#also no matter what we say we both know we’re obsessed with each other but we’re funny abt it so it’s okay

[cheesecakeluvrs]

It frustrates me how many people misunderstand my girl

While I’ve definitely seen it more on TikTok and not so much Tumblr it is still quite prominent. All of the “Gambit girls 😜🤞” (Gambit is literally my favorite character but just those new fans who like him because of the crop top) are coming out and saying that Rogue is to be blamed for Gambits feelings being hurt but what they don’t realize is how much both of them were hurting. We see Gambits pretty clearly but guessss Rogues we’re a little harder to catch even though I think it’s pretty obvious

What I feel like a lot of people don’t realize is how much suffering she was going through because of her feelings for Gambit. He would tease her and flirt with her yet for her it was just a constant reminder that she can’t touch him. His whole existence is just a constant reminder of what she can’t do. She thinks that because she can’t touch him she could never make either of them fully happy in a relationship

Plus that makes perfect sense because the closest romantic relationship she has to her are Jean and Scott who constantly love and kiss each other. We see her multiple times in the original just stare at them as they touch, just another reminder of what she can’t have

On top of that her literal first experience with her powers was with a person she had feelings for. She has been obsessing over the ability to touch since she was thirteen years old. People get mad at her for not realizing that she valued her feelings over the ability to touch sooner but that is literally everything she can think about. To her a happy relationship ‘needs’ intimacy so she thought that the only way she could be in a happy relationship was with Erik

That’s why the dance is so important because she finally got that intimacy she has been looking for. She put off the fact that she didn’t have feelings for Erik and thought that she would be alright plus if it means helping Genosha

I mean she’s just weighing out feelings and intimacy and since she’s been idolizing the ability to touch since she has been thirteen years old that’s obviously what she’s going to choose. Then of course she was faced with grave disappointment when that thing she has been searching for her whole life wasn’t enough

I know a lot of the Gambit and Rogue shippers felt relief because she realized she valued feelings over touch but I just can’t get over the amount of disappointment she probably felt in that moment. She finally got what she had been searching for, what she thought would be enough for any relationship, but she still wasn’t happy because she didn’t have feelings for him

I would also like to mention her relationship with Erik before because that is probably the biggest comparison to her of all. She had both feelings (no matter how healthy or unhealthy they were) and intimacy with him so in her head if he didn’t have those struggles that would be the perfect relationship. It’s also likeee the only happy relationship she had had intimacy but that was also only because she thought that a relationship needed intimacy… if that makes sense

Anywaysss I know I kinda rambled off but it’s important to understand how much she has been idolizing the ability to touch someone and how complicated her feelings were after the dance because she realized that intimacy is not even good if it’s with someone you don’t love

[yournowheregirl]

read my mind

rating: G | wc: 1225 | cw: none

The first word that comes to mind when Eddie steps foot into the Harrington house is ‘chaos’.

Which is weird, because he had come to know Steve’s house as neat and very much put together. It was probably a combination of weekly cleaning and the fact of Mrs. Harrington’s obsession with interior design and keeping everything absolutely perfect, even though she wasn’t there most of the time. But this time there are loose pieces of paper all over the floor and a pile of books in the middle of the hallway, like someone had spent hours researching something.

Eddie also hears some kind of ruckus coming from the kitchen and he prepares himself for the worst. He might not be all that up-to-date with all of the crazy shit that’s been happening in Hawkins over the last few years, but he has been through enough to know that something weird can happen at anytime.

As he approaches the kitchen, Eddie jangles his keys, sliding them between his fingers as a makeshift weapon, just in case. He stomps his feet a little louder than usual and takes a deep breath, preparing for the worst, as he turns the corner.

If he thought the hallway was chaotic, it’s nothing in comparison to what Eddie finds in the kitchen. The clutter of books and loose papers had made its way onto the tiled floor, but it was joined with what looks like miles and miles of tin foil. Eddie’s eyes follow the silver trail to the other side of the kitchen, where he finds the two culprits.

Steve is sitting at the kitchen table with Robin sitting on the floor in between his legs, and while that isn’t something unusual, their accessories definitely are. Because Steve is wearing an absolutely ridiculous tin foil hat, with a pointy end and all, and for a second Eddie wonders if this is a new hair routine for him. Steve is focused on making a hat for Robin, it seems, as he’s wrapping even more tin foil around her head as well.

“What the fuck are you two doing?”

“Babe!” Steve says with a bright smile. “You came at the perfect time!”

“Uh, you invited me, and also, that doesn’t answer my question. What the fuck are you two doing?” Eddie asks again. “Is this the new and improved Steve Harrington hair ritual?”

“No,” Robin replies with a roll of her eyes. “We’re testing out our telepathy.”

Eddie blinks, completely dumbfounded at what Robin had just said. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, there must have been something in that bunker, or in the Upside Down, something, because we totally have powers now. Like, I always know what Robin’s thinking, for some reason,” Steve says, and oh God, he’s being sincere isn’t he?

“Yes! So today, while I was shelving tapes at work, I was thinking about how the moon landing was totally faked, right? And then Steve just finished my thought, saying ‘oh yeah, they faked it for sure’ like it was nothing,” Robin says excitedly. ”I didn’t even say anything! He just read my mind!”

Now Eddie hasn’t been scared away from the freaky sides of things, it even earned him a nickname, but this is a little too weird. Even for him. There’s no way that Steve and Robin actually have supernatural powers, no matter how hard they try to believe it. But then Eddie notices how excited they both are, and the big smiles on their faces make him smile as well. Sure, they’re being ridiculous right now, but he figures they deserve to be after all they’ve been through.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What can I do to help?”

“Right, so…”

Apparently Robin has raided the Harrington’s personal library on all the science books they had (which Eddie had noticed in the hallway) and cooked up an experiment that will prove once and for all that she and Steve are telepathically connected. All Eddie has to do is a little word association, and if both Robin and Steve write down the same word without looking at each other’s answers, it proves their connection beyond any doubt.

Well, Eddie still has his doubts, but whatever.

Once Steve and Robin are all set, their backs against each other and a piece of paper and pen in hand, Eddie gives them their first word: chocolate. He gives them both five seconds to think of something, but while they look very confident, their answers don’t match up.

“Sorry. Steve said milk and Robin said cocoa,” Eddie tsks. “Not a match.”

“It��s basically the same thing,” Robin scoffs. “Another one.”

“Fine. Your next word is, uh, sun.”

After five seconds, Steve shows his paper, which says summer, while Robin’s says hot. Again, not a match.

“Well, summers are hot, so we’re getting close.” Steve shrugs. “We’ll get the next one, Robs, I can feel it.”

But with every word Eddie throws at them, they continue getting close to a similar answer (Steve answers ‘sky’ while Robin says ‘galaxy’ when Eddie gives them the word ‘star’) but it’s never an exact match. This doesn’t deter them in the slightest; they continue to be convinced of their powers while Eddie starts to believe less and less. Not that he believed it in the first place.

That is until…

“Okay, final one,” Eddie sighs, and because his stomach is rumbling, says, “Hungry.”

Steve and Robin scribble away on their papers and then show Eddie their words in unison. For the first time, they have the exact same word on paper: ‘pasta.’ Eddie must look either shocked or impressed at this turn of events, because Steve positively lights up at the sight of him.

“Did we get it?” He asks, looking over his shoulder at Robin’s paper and beaming when he sees the answer. “Robin! We got it!”

“I knew it! I knew we had a connection!” Robin exclaims. “Do you believe us now, Eddie?”

Eddie huffs in response. “That doesn’t prove anything. You’re just saying that because you were supposed to make pasta today, remember? You invited me over for lasagna?”

“Oh shit. You’re right,” Steve says with a sheepish grin on his face. He carefully removes the tinfoil hat and Eddie tries not to laugh at the ridiculous state of his hair. A very wise decision because he’s rewarded with a quick kiss from Steve. “I guess we got a little distracted. Sorry babe.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re lucky you’re cute,” Eddie flirts back. “Now, where’s the pasta?”

After the kitchen is cleaned up, Steve starts working on the lasagna. Eddie offers to help, but Steve tells him to just sit back and relax. Well, Eddie can definitely do just that. Robin does get to help though, saying something about the lasagna being her mom’s recipe, so she has the final say with the ingredients.

As Eddie watches them cook together, moving around the kitchen in perfect sync and handing each other spatulas and seasoning without asking for it, he can’t help but wonder if Steve and Robin do have some kind of psychic connection after all.

happy birthday!! @stobinesque 🎉🎁🎂 me and @legitcookie cooked up this little silly stobin brainworm for you to celebrate your birthday!! we hope you enjoyed!

[rafaelsilvasource]

Husbands (we love typing that as much as you love reading it) T.K. (Ronen Rubinstein) and Carlos (Rafael L. Silva) are coming into the fifth and final season of 9-1-1: Lone Star (premiering Monday, September 23 on Fox) already dealing with the unsolved murder of the latter’s father. But there’s more drama to come.

Carlos’ obsession with that investigation is going to put their marriage to the test. T.K.’s half-brother, Jonah, is coming to Austin (which is sure to affect Rob Lowe‘s Owen as well). Below, co-showrunner Rashad Raisani previews that and more that’s ahead for the fan-favorite couple.

Carlos is investigating his father’s death. What can you preview about that investigation? That’s also going to involve Campbell (Parker Young), right?

The way we’ve been talking about Campbell and Carlos is that they’re like two brothers, the big brother and the little brother. Carlos comes along, and in Campbell’s mind, he got kind of a free pass because of who his dad, Gabriel Reyes, was, the legend, and to go to the front of the line and become a Texas Ranger. The first episode is about these two brothers both fighting for daddy’s love and daddy being Chief Bridges, their boss. But what’s gonna happen is they learn to respect each other and they’re gonna discover that they’re so much better when they work as a team and they really complement each other brilliantly, not just as investigators, but as characters and frankly to me, as actors. I think just they have a wonderful dynamic that only gets richer as the season goes forward.

Carlos’s father’s murder is a thing that Carlos is not giving that up. It is the central driving force in Carlos’ life. And there’s no way we’re going to end the series without giving that poor guy some answers. So there will be some answers at the end of the day on that.

The season description says that T.K. and Carlos’ marriage is put to the test because Carlos becomes obsessed with solving his father’s murder. What can you tease about how we see that play out and how tough things are gonna get in the middle of that for them? I do have faith that they’re gonna be okay by the end.

A big part for me about their marriage was I really wanted to treat it like a real marriage, and by that, I mean that even though these guys are so wonderful to each other and they’re so handsome, life isn’t perfect no matter who you are and everybody has real struggles that affect even great relationships. And the true strength of a relationship isn’t the absence of challenges and problems, it’s how you grapple with them and encounter them and if they make your relationship stronger or weaker.

And so for Carlos, this burden of his dad’s murder is going to sit there and take up a lot of oxygen in the room and T.K., who is an incredibly supportive husband, is gonna try and be patient and graceful and allow Carlos to have that space. But at a certain point, he’s got to advocate for them to have a future together, and that’s part of what you were talking about with Jonah. I like to think that little boy, in some ways, represents the future of their relationship and Gabriel’s murder represents the past of their relationship, and there’s gonna be a tension between those two things and that’s gonna be their central dynamic this year, is that one person is struggling to get answers in the past and the other person is struggling to move on and build a future, which I think is a very relatable human experience.

All of this makes me think about kids, and that has been a bit of an issue for them in the past. How does that come into play?

I think that’s another pressure point because Carlos was very upfront with T.K. about, “Hey, I’m not ready to have kids and I don’t know if I ever will be,” and then now that his dad’s been murdered, in his headspace, that’s the last thing that he’s got the bandwidth or the emotional energy to deal with. But like I said, T.K. is feeling like life is happening right now, like we don’t get moments back, and especially as a first responder, they see that you can’t take anything for granted. And circumstances are going to align that are going to [lead to] a situation where T.K. is like, I know that you were uncomfortable with taking this next step as a father, but I feel like it’s something powerful that I need to do, and to make that a crisis point for them as well.

I hope that the audience can see the argument from both of their points of view and just go, “S**t, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I would do either.” That’s what I hope because I feel like people have real problems that aren’t so simple as to say, well, he’s right, he’s wrong, whatever. We just wanted to put them through that.

[gotham--fc]

Will You Stay Here For A While Dear? - A Hilary Knight Imagine

I'm back with the next part of my Hilary series! what part are we at now i forgor You can find the rest of the parts linked on my masterlist, as always I can't tell you what to do but you really should read at least part 1 and 2 before you read this, but you do you

This ended up way longer than I anticipated, so it only goes up to the end of preseason, which means there will be at least 2 more fics of "main story" to be written and whatever else my brain comes up with

It's about 11.5k words, so read at your own pace lol, and I hope you like it as much as you liked part 1 and 2!

Title comes from the song “Billy Liar” by The Decemberists (and was also chosen by @grapefruit-personified)

It’s no surprise Hilary gets signed by Boston.

She’s been pretty open with where she wants to go. Yeah, she’s taken calls with all the teams, but Y/N knows she’s not entertaining any offers that aren’t from Boston. It’s no surprise they offer her a contract, and it’s no surprise that she signs it. Y/N’s happy for her, she really is. Hilary is excited and Y/N is excited for her. Hilary’s been fighting her entire career for this moment and after years of being given less, she finally gets what she deserves. In Boston, no less. Y/N’s thrilled for Hilary.

Y/N gets calls too. She gets plenty of calls. She talks to all the teams, talks through expectations and goals and all that jazz. She doesn’t get any offers.

And it’s fine. Teams can only sign three free agents so it’s limited and that’s fine. She’s still recovering from her concussion, so it’s not surprising. It’s fine. Y/N knows she’ll get drafted, that’s not even a question. It’s just where she gets drafted.

It’s a rough few weeks with no security. At least Hilary knows where she’s going and she’s already figuring out her move to Boston, but Y/N can't do that. She doesn’t even know if she’s moving or if she’ll get drafted by Minnesota. She half hopes not, given it’s a 22 hour drive from Boston to Minnesota, but that’s not something she can dwell on. She feels sort of like she’s floating through space while she watches Hilary pack. She has no purpose or sense of direction, can only watch Hilary pack up half of the life they’ve built here together.

“Babe?” Hilary’s voice snaps Y/N out of her thoughts.

“What? Yeah? What?”

“You okay?” Hilary asks, “You were pretty spaced out.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Y/N shakes her head, then starts again. “It’s just… I’m just thinking about the draft.”

It’s something she’s been working on, they’ve both been working on, sharing what they’re feeling instead of burying it down. Y/N’s first instinct is still to say everything’s fine, and she’s fighting against it, but it’s hard. She’s trying. They’re both trying. They’re doing better.

“What about it?” Hilary asks.

“You’re going to Boston.”

“I am,” Hilary waits expectantly for Y/N to continue.

“And I don’t know where I’m going. And it’s hard to pack or prepare when I don’t know what I’m preparing for. And… I don’t know if I’m going to get drafted by Minnesota and stay here while you go miles away to Boston.”

“We’ll figure that out, no matter what happens, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Hilary takes Y/N’s hands, “Wherever we both end up, whether it’s Minnesota or Boston or New York, we’ll figure it out. We’ve been through worse, we can handle a little distance if it comes to that.”

“Yeah,” Y/N mumbles, “It could be a lot of distance.”

“I’ll never be that far from you,” Hilary says, “Even if we’re far apart, I’ll always be here. I’m a phone call away.” Hilary tilts Y/N’s chin up so they’re looking at each other. “I know I hurt you when I went radio silent on you and I know it’s probably still in the back of your mind, but I guarantee you that I will never do that to you again. You don’t have to worry about me not being on the other side of the phone, waiting for you.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

***

Draft day comes too soon and not soon enough. Y/N obsessed about it way too much but now that it’s here, she wishes she still had more time. Hilary isn’t here, she’s already in Boston setting up her new place. She said she’ll travel back and forth between Boston and Minnesota until training camp starts and she’s required in Boston full time, but that means Y/N’s alone right now and she thinks she might throw up.

She’s not technically alone. It’s the draft, so every player is here, including some of the already signed players. There’s players and agents and families and people from the league mulling around, Y/N’s own agent is a few feet away, chatting up a league exec about something. Even still, Y/N’s never felt so alone.

Then the draft begins. Y/N sits on the edge of her seat. She’s talked to the teams already so she has some idea of who wants her, but with every name called that’s not her, a pit in her stomach grows. She watches Boston go, and not pick her, New York, Montreal, and still her name isn’t called. She dreads Minnesota drafting her, but then they go and they don’t call her and she almost wishes they had. Finally, her name gets called. She gets up on shaky legs and walks to the stage. She shakes hands and hopes her hands aren’t sweaty, smiles for pictures and gets a mic shoved in her face as soon as she steps off stage.

“Did you know Toronto would draft you?”

“Um,” Y/N says, “I had an idea. I spoke to all the teams so I had an idea of who would pick me, so yeah, I guess I had an idea.” She didn’t.

“Are you excited to represent Toronto this season? What does it mean to you to play professional hockey in Canada?”

“Oh, it’s,” Y/N tries to think of what to say, “It’s indescribable. We’ve worked for so long and so hard to get a real professional league and I’m so excited to get started and Toronto is a great city, a great sports city with a lot of heart and a lot of history and a lot of hockey fans and I’m excited to be close to home.”

“Congratulations, good luck this season.”

Her agent takes her arm and drags her out of the spotlight and to a quieter corner. He begins talking contracts and all sorts of administrative work and Y/N just nods, everything going in one ear and out the other. Then, she has players, friends, teammates now, hugging her and talking about playing together and Y/N thinks she agrees to be at least five people’s roommate as she struggles to keep up with everyone talking and the lights and the noise. Y/N barely notices someone is leading her away until she’s in an empty hallway.

“You looked a thousand miles away out there,” Sarah Nurse says.

“I feel like I am,” Y/N says.

“You didn’t want to go to Toronto?” She asks.

“No, I…” Y/N rubs her eyes. She feels like she can’t see very well. “It’s not that. I’m not not happy with Toronto. I… I wish Hilary wasn’t so far away, but I’m not… I can’t fucking see.”

“You can’t see?!” Sarah freezes, “What do you mean you can’t see?”

“I’m… I just mean… I’m being dramatic,” Y/N says, “I just… everything’s blurry. It doesn’t look right. My head hurts. My ears are ringing.”

“Is it your concussion?” Sarah asks. Y/N shrugs. “You don’t have to go back out there. You can leave if you’re feeling bad.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “I’ve been so out of it lately. Hilary’s gone half the time and I was dreading getting drafted by Minnesota and she keeps telling me Boston’s not out of it, like they’ll draft me just because she wants me there. I have hopes on New York but I don’t know.”

“Toronto’s not the end of the world,” Sarah says, “And you and Hilary will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “Toronto. Yeah. Nursey I can’t go back out there. I feel like I want to lay in a dark room and try not to cry.”

“I’ll cover for you,” Sarah says, “Don’t worry about it.”

Sarah heads back out to rejoin the commotion and Y/N rubs her temples and pulls out her phone to call an Uber back to her hotel. When her phone turns back on, (she turned it off this morning when she awoke to what felt like a million messages from family and friends about the draft and what team she might end up on), she has a text from Hilary. Right. Because Hilary’s in Boston. Not here.

Saw the draft

Congrats babe call me when you get a chance?

Y/N calls her Uber first, then dials Hilary’s number.

“Hey babe,” Hilary says, “How was it? I thought I wouldn’t hear from you until later. I figured you would be celly-ing with your new teammates.”

Y/N doesn’t know why, can’t explain it, but she starts to cry.

“Shit, babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Y/N cries, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel awful.”

“I’m sorry, what can I do? Are you at your hotel?”

“No, waiting for an Uber.”

“What hotel are you at?” Hilary asks.

“What does it matter?” Y/N says, “You’re not here.”

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Hilary says, “I wish I was with you right now. I was going to order you food to your hotel, but I understand if you don’t feel like eating anything right now.”

“You could’ve been here.”

“Baby…”

“You wouldn’t be the only one! There’s more than just those who registered for the draft. You could’ve come, even just for the night,” Y/N says.

“You know why I didn’t come,” Hilary says, “We agreed I should stay in Boston. I’m still setting up my place and I’ve got interviews and press stuff and,” Hilary sighs, “You said you felt uncomfortable with people knowing about us and that me being at the draft would be more of a confirmation that you’re ready for. You don’t get to be upset with me about a decision we both made together.”

“I want you here,” Y/N says, still crying, “We’re gonna be apart for a whole season and I just wanna be with you while I still can.”

“I know it’s hard and you just found out we’re going to be separated, and I’m sorry you’re so upset. We’re going to be okay. The season will fly by and we’ll see each other in February for the Rivalry Series and then Worlds in April. And we’ll see each other when we play against each other and we’ll find times during the season to see each other. I know this is new to you but I’ve done distance before and we can deal with it.”

Y/N wants to say I knew we wouldn’t end up on the same team from the start and how will we see each other? With what money? What time? And I just started skating again who says I’ll make the Worlds roster and who says I’ll even be at the Rivalry Series and of course you have experience and I don’t I don’t need you rubbing it in.

She says none of this.

“Yeah,” She says, her voice weak and quiet.

“I’m sorry it’s so hard. I wish I could make it easier.”

“My Uber’s here,” Y/N says as her phone vibrates with the notification.

“Alright,” Hilary says, “Do you want to keep talking on your way back?”

“No,” Y/N says, “I’m tired. My head hurts. I wanna go lie down and go to sleep.”

“Okay my love, call me in the morning.”

***

It’s hard, being in Boston.

That’s not true. Hilary loves Boston and she loves being in Boston and she loves playing hockey and she loves playing hockey in Boston. It’s not hard being in Boston. It’s exciting, rewarding, everything she’s dreamed of and more.

It’s hard being in Boston when Y/N’s in Toronto and the draft is happening and Y/N got drafted to Toronto and Hilary can’t be there to celebrate with her and now Y/N is upset and Hilary isn’t there to comfort her. Hilary understands why she’s in Boston and she understands why Y/N wants her in Boston, but she also understands why Y/N wants her in Toronto too.

It’s a complicated situation. Y/N isn’t ready to be out yet. That’s fine. Hilary gets that. After all, Hilary has been there. She’s been young and new to the public and just wanting to focus on hockey and not turn every interview into “so you came out”. Hilary has to remember she’s had years in the spotlight to get used to all of this, the public, and the fans, and the questions. Hilary came out, Hilary’s out, and yeah, it’s all anyone could talk about for months after, but now it’s over. Now it’s normal. Hilary’s out, and she’s still a pro hockey player and she’s still American and she’s still prepping for Worlds and the new league and there’s more to talk about than her sexuality.

It's fine. Hilary gets it and she’s not going to pressure Y/N into something she isn’t ready for. It’s frustrating sometimes, sure, like now when Hilary has to stay in Boston because Y/N’s scared if she’s at the draft that people will figure out Hilary’s there for her, and now they’re both unhappy. Hilary will never say it, but she thinks Y/N is too focused on other people, and too paranoid about people finding out about them. People talk, and people will talk, and people are already talking, and that won’t change whether Hilary’s in Boston or Toronto, or if she posts that she’s in the same place as Y/N, or that they’re hanging out.

But Y/N freaked out last time Hilary said anything. When Hilary came out, when she announced she wasn’t single, it was too much for Y/N, so Hilary can’t push it. She’s screwed up enough times already that she won’t risk losing Y/N for good. And yes, Hilary’s made a lot of progress towards forgiving herself and she knows she can’t dwell on the past, and she doesn’t, but she came close to losing Y/N and she will not let that happen again.

***

“Why the long face?” Kess says when Hilary’s face pops up on FaceTime.

“This is my normal face,” Hilary deadpans.

“Yikes.”

“Aren’t you busy being a bigwig for the Penguins?” Hilary says, “Why are you calling me?”

“I’m still your friend Knight,” Kess says, “Even when you’re a bitch. And for your information, I’m the biggest bigwig you know, so don’t piss me off.”

“Sorry Kess,” Hilary says, “I’ve been in a shit mood lately.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“I will hang up.”

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Kess says, “I heard you and your girlfriend are on different teams.”

“It’s not like we can’t do distance,” Hilary starts, “We can. It’s just… She wouldn’t let me go to the draft. She said it would too obvious I was there for her and she isn’t ready to be out yet. And she called me crying after she got drafted and it’s not like I can do anything from here. And she’s not flying back to Minnesota until tomorrow and my flight isn’t for three days.”

“Change your flight,” Kess says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“I can’t,” Hilary sighs, “She doesn’t want it to be too obvious that I’m going back and forth to see her. So I can’t fly back the same day as her because then people might figure it out.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Kess!” Hilary shakes her head, “It’s not stupid. It makes her more comfortable, it just sucks knowing she’s upset and I can’t be there.”

“Hil, why does it feel like you came out just to jump back in the closet again?”

“I didn’t!” Hilary insists, “I’m still out, it’s not like I stopped being gay. Y/N’s not out and I respect that. I was in the closet for years, Kess, I was semi-famous and in the closet for years. And things are different now. Before I came out no one cared about us. The only people who gave a shit about women’s hockey were us and a handful of people during the Olympics. I didn’t have thousands of people on the internet talking about me. I was still terrified to come out and no one even knew who I was. Can you try to see what it’s like for her? She’s young, new in her career, dating an older woman, in a sport that’s growing exponentially by the minute.”

“I do see it, and I empathize, I really do,” Kess says, “And I’m not saying anything she’s saying isn’t valid, just that you have feelings too. And clearly you feel some type of way about all this secrecy and you are allowed to have feelings about it. She’s not the only one in this relationship.”

“I fucked up Kess,” Hilary flops down on her couch. Her new house in Boston is pretty sparse. She has half unpacked boxes everywhere, a TV that sits directly on the floor, a recently purchased couch and an Ikea bedframe that’s still not built so she’s been sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor. The couch was a godsend, arriving that morning, so at least she can sit somewhere, since her kitchen table and chairs have been delayed twice.

“I hurt her so bad,” Hilary says, “And I almost lost her for good. I love her so much Kess. I’ve never felt like this with anyone and I am so terrified that I’m gonna screw up and lose her again. I don’t think I’d ever get over her, I think I’ll love her for the rest of my life and then some.”

“Wow,” Kess chuckles, “I never thought I’d see the day. Playboy Hilary is gone, her fuckboy days are over.”

“They’ve been over,” Hilary says, “I’m not 21 anymore, I can’t spend every night getting shitfaced at a club and taking home strangers and still wake up at 6am for practice.”

“I’ve never seen you like this, with anyone. I thought she wasn’t right for you because you suddenly started acting different after you met her, but I see now that it was everyone else who wasn’t right. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, and I’m sorry I fucked up too and gave her a concussion. That…” Kess blows air out her clenched teeth, “…was not my finest moment. But, moving past that, I’m really happy for you. However, if you keep pushing your feelings down it’s not going to end well. Look what happened last time.”

“Yeah,” Hilary rubs her face, “Yeah. You’re right Kess.”

“I always am Knighter. Now get off your ass and finish unpacking your sad, empty house before I have to sic Keller and Brandt on you.”

***

“Are you okay stud?” Y/N tugs at the hood of Hilary’s hoodie as she looks out into the backyard at the dogs chasing each other. Hilary jumps a little and despite the surprise, her cheeks are slightly pink like they always are when Y/N calls her that.

The name started as a joke, after they watched Grease together for the first time. The next day, as Hilary tried to get “chang-chang, changity-chang-shoo-bop” out of her head, Y/N told her to “tell me about it, stud,” and Hilary turned the brightest red she ever has and didn’t respond for a full minute. The name stuck, and Y/N brings it out when Hilary’s least expecting it to watch her turn red and flustered.

“You’re quiet this morning,” Y/N continues.

“Sorry,” Hilary says, “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Us,” Hilary grabs Y/N by the hips and pulls her in. Y/N puts her palms on the sides of Hilary’s neck. “I was thinking about us, our life, how much I love you.”

“Yeah? Tell me more.”

“I was thinking…” Hilary backs Y/N away from the door, “… that I love you more than anything and I would never do anything to hurt you, or upset you, or ruin what we have, you know that right?” Y/N pulls away a little.

“I feel like I should be worried.”

“No, you have nothing to be worried about,” Hilary says, “I’m not trying to worry you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy and I want both of us to be happy and as in love as we can be.” Y/N gives Hilary a look that says and? “I just wanted to talk to you and I don’t want to fight and I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you or invalidating your feelings, I just want to share how I’m feeling, no strings attached.”

“Wow therapy really did a number on you,” Y/N says, “Where did my emotionally stunted girlfriend go?”

“What I’m trying to say is that I understand you not wanting to be out and not wanting people to know about us and I would never ask you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I have been feeling like… I hate that I wasn’t there with you at the draft. And I hate that I’m not going to be with you this season and I hate…” Hilary sighs, “I want to be with you. I want to see you as often as I can, and I’m worried that you will get scared or anxious about people finding out about us that I won’t be able to see you. I understand the fear and the concern and I’m not suggesting you come out or that we start flaunting our relationship, but I want to be able to come visit you in Toronto without having to hide where I am or who I'm with. Do you... Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“Is that… Are you…” Y/N huffs out a breath then fully pulls away from Hilary. Hilary watches helplessly. “Are you saying you want me to come out?”

“No!”

“You want me to… what? I either come out or I don’t, I don’t know what you’re asking me.”

“I’m not asking you for anything,” Hilary reaches out, but Y/N backs away, “Please, my love–”

“Don’t Hilary,” Y/N says, “Don’t.”

Hilary’s arms stay outstretched, in limbo. Y/N opens her mouth, then shuts it, then leaves, the front door slamming breaking the silence.

Things were so good. Hilary was happy. Every moment with Y/N made her giddy and her cheeks hurt from smiling but she couldn’t help it because every moment with Y/N was the happiest moment of her life. They spent the week following the draft going on dates, and spending every day together, staying in, going out, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were together. Even with the looming separation, they couldn’t be happier. And Hilary had to ruin it. Like always.

“Fuck!” Hilary swears.

The dogs start barking and Hilary lets them in. Hilary feels drained. She feels… like it’s over.

***

Y/N comes back hours later. Dinner is cold and wrapped in foil in the oven, Hilary’s poor attempt at keeping it warm, but the food has been sitting in there for at least an hour. Hilary didn’t eat, couldn’t eat, while she waited. The idea of food made her sick to her stomach, but she didn’t want Y/N to be hungry when she came home.

Hilary hears the door from where’s she’s distractedly moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. Laundry needs to be done and Hilary would’ve paced a hole in the floor if she didn’t do something, so she’s in the laundry room, wet clothes in her hands. She doesn’t say anything, not sure if Y/N wants to see her or talk to her or ignore her. She doesn’t move, barely breathes, and waits.

Y/N finds her soon enough. She charges into the room and Hilary isn’t sure what to expect. She expects Y/N to start yelling, with the determined look on her face. She certainly doesn’t expect Y/N to slap the laundry out of her hands and hug her tightly. Hilary hesitates for a moment, completely caught off guard, then hugs back, even more confused than before.

“I’m sorry,” Y/N mumbles against Hilary’s shoulder. “I should’ve heard you out. I should’ve stayed. I didn’t get what you were trying to say and I got frustrated because I hate not understanding things and ever since my concussion I can’t process things right and I’m so mad I’m still dealing with my stupid head, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t call your head stupid,” Hilary says and feels stupid for focusing on that. “I like your head the way it is,” she finishes lamely.

“I’m frustrated,” Y/N says, “All the time and I get what you’re trying to say. I get what you mean.”

“Yeah? You sort of understand now? I wasn’t trying to upset you, I just… I didn’t want to hide it from you.”

“I know,” Y/N says, “Amanda Kessel explained it to me.”

“What?”

Hilary pulls back abruptly. She feels like she’s getting whiplash from this conversation, from this whole day. In what universe does Y/N talk to Amanda Kessel? Hilary didn’t even think Kess had her number, and Y/N definitely doesn’t have Kess’s. Until now, Hilary supposes.

“I was really mad at you and I felt like you were backing off or, like not being clear on purpose so that I wouldn’t get mad? Like it felt like you wanted something from me but you refused to say it outright. And…” Y/N looks away. “And she’s your best friend and I figured if anyone knew what you were trying to say she would. And she did. She told me what you guys talked about. And then we talked about concussion stuff and it was kinda nice.”

“You… It was kinda nice?” Hilary says, bewildered, “Nice? Wh – I’m so confused. You talked to Amanda Kessel about me and it was nice? I thought you hated her.”

“I contain multitudes,” Y/N says.

“I’ll say.”

“Come on, let’s not have this conversation surrounded by your stinky laundry,” Y/N starts leading Hilary out of the laundry room.

“It’s clean!”

Hilary follows Y/N to the living room and sits on the couch. Hilary has no idea where this conversation will go, so she stays quiet.

“I’ve been unfair to you,” Y/N begins, and Hilary wants to argue immediately. “I’ve been making it all about me. After my concussion and… everything, things became about me. You took care of me and I got used to that. I haven’t been focusing on you at all. It’s going to be hard to be away from you and I hate it and I wish we were closer and I can’t change it and I got all in my head about coming out and people figuring out why we go see each other all the time. I never thought about how you feel about everything.

“I’m not ashamed of you, or trying to hide you or us. I never want you to have to hide part of yourself for me. I wanted you at the draft. I wanted… I wanted to come to Boston while you were getting your new place. I just want to be with you, all the time. I get scared and I let my fear control me. I don’t want to not see you because I’m scared people might find out. I don’t want to go a whole season without seeing you. I also don’t want every time we see each other to be spent stuck in one of our places, not going out or posting something. That’s what you were trying to tell me, wasn’t it? That you’re fine not being out with us, but that you don’t want the fear to dictate how we act.”

“Yeah,” Hilary says, “If I was better at speaking, yeah. That’s what I was trying to say.”

“You’ve been doing interviews for how long now?” Y/N teases, “And you’re not good at speaking yet?”

“Shut it or I will dump my dirty, stinky laundry on your face.”

“You said it was clean!”

***

They know the season is coming, but before it does, the Rivalry Series comes first. They have two games early November, then a few days to themselves before training camp starts. They tease each other good naturedly about it as they pack. They both know the Rivalry Series is important prep for Worlds, but they also know it doesn’t really mean anything. The results don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s fun to pretend like they do. And they both know that even if it doesn’t matter, they’re still going to give it their all and get pissed if they lose.

They fly out to Arizona together before separating to their respective teams. Y/N gets to the hotel Canada is staying at and gets her room key. She doesn’t know who she’s rooming with this camp. Jill isn’t here, and Y/N is upset about that. She feels like she hasn’t seen Jill in forever and she doesn’t know when she’ll see her again. She knows Jill’s been dealing with injury, but she hoped she would still be okay to play.

Her roommate is Jenner, which she finds out when she opens the door and Jenner is on the one bed Facetiming her kids. Jenner waves as Y/N puts her bags on the empty bed. She says a quick hello to Jenner’s kids, even though they don’t remember who she is. She doesn’t stay long, to give Jenner some privacy and to find her teammates she hasn’t seen in a minute.

It doesn’t take long to find Emma Maltais and Jamie Bourbonnais. They’re filming some Tiktok together and they’re loud enough about it that Y/N hears them from all the way down the hallway. When they see her Emma gasps and runs over. Emma hugs her while talking what seems like a mile a minute.

“Oh my god, thank god you’re finally here, Clarky’s being such a buzzkill and she won’t film with us but that’s okay because you will, right?”

It doesn’t really matter if Y/N wants to or not, she never really can say no to Emma Maltais. It’s something about her constant excitement, her puppy dog eyes, but Y/N can’t risk upsetting her. So she agrees and she lets Emma and Jamie direct her on what to do. It’s fun and it’s what Y/N misses when she’s in Minnesota and doesn’t have her national team teammates around. They record a couple and eventually they convince Clarky to join in and they record a couple more.

They goof around for hours and Y/N feels relaxed and happy about how this camp will go.

The US isn’t staying at the same hotel, but they’re not far, so Y/N gets to see Hilary when they both have free time. Hilary delivers her coffee when Y/N has early morning practices, and Y/N ends up crashing a few USA team bonding nights by sneaking into the hotel with Hilary. It’s easy to forget about hockey when they’re not on the ice and Y/N enjoys spending time with her team and Hilary and Hilary’s team, until she fails at sneaking back into her room the night before the first game and Jenner fixes her with a look that makes Y/N feel like a child.

They lose the first game. It’s a frustrating, 3-1 loss where every blocked shot, every puck that got stolen, feels like the hockey gods have it out for them. Hilary scores the first goal, then assists USA’s second. Y/N can tell Hilary’s feeling good as they head off the ice, Hilary’s loud voice echoing through the halls. Y/N feels like shit. She couldn’t do anything to help her team, and she wanted to come back firing from her concussion, show that she’s even better than before. Instead, she fumbled two passes, had all of her shots blocked by a defender so they didn’t even make it to the net.

They lose the next game too. The US goes up early, and Canada spend the rest of the game trying to catch them. Every time Y/N starts to feel like they’re back in it, the US scores, or someone takes a penalty and by the time the game ends, Y/N’s ready to wipe this whole camp from her mind.

If 3-1 is frustrating, 5-2 is humiliating. Hilary didn’t score, but she got two assists. Hilary comes away from camp with four points and two wins. Y/N leaves with zero points and zero wins and the belief that her time with the national team has come to an end.

She still has to see Troy Ryan though. He’s her coach now, all the time, and Y/N likes him, they all do, but she just had a horrible camp in front of him and now she has to fight for a spot on a roster and hope he hasn’t already decided her fate.

***

Training camp almost sneaks up on them.

It can’t, not really, because it’s marked in the calendar and they are all too aware of how few days they have left together. Hilary’s place in Boston is already fully set up, her having more time to prepare, and Y/N’s place is getting there, and she has the help of Sarah Nurse, her roommate. Even though they can both afford to live alone, Sarah argued there’s nothing worse than returning home to an empty house every day and Y/N can’t argue with that. So at least Y/N doesn’t have to be in Toronto all the time since Sarah’s there and can pick up packages she ordered, or set up the living room furniture with the help of their teammates who are already in the city.

The date looms over them, even as they try to ignore it and just enjoy their time together. Y/N finds herself doing things she normally hates, or wouldn’t do, just to do them with Hilary. They work out together, that’s normal, but Y/N wakes herself up at the ass crack of dawn to go running because Hilary is. She watches shitty TV shows that Hilary is obsessed with that she could not care less about, just to sit with Hilary on the couch for hours. They only have two full days together before they’re required to join their teams for training camp. Y/N does everything she can to spend as much time with Hilary as possible.

Y/N wakes up the morning of her flight and wants to bury her head under the blankets. She feels Hilary shift and shut the alarm off. Y/N groans when Hilary’s arms come back around her.

“Good morning sunshine,” Hilary says. Y/N responds with another groan.

“We should just stay,” Y/N says, “We should retire and live here forever.”

Hilary chuckles.

“You don’t mean that,” Hilary kisses Y/N on her head.

“I don’t wanna go,” Y/N says quietly, “I’ll miss you too much.”

“We’ll see each other in a couple of weeks for the Rivalry Series and we’ll have some time off at Christmas, and then once the season starts we’ll play each other every couple of weeks and we can see each other on off days,” Hilary says, “I’ll miss you too, but the season will fly by and then we’ll be together again."

"Yeah, you’re right,” Y/N turns in Hilary’s arms until they’re facing each other.

“We gotta get up if we’re going to get to the airport on time.”

The morning is quiet. They eat breakfast in silence, Y/N going over her mental checklist in her head, making sure she’s packed everything. Hilary’s on her phone, no doubt going over the traffic report. Hilary's flight is later in the day, and Y/N told her not to get up early and to wait until closer to her flight to head to the airport, but Hilary insisted on going with Y/N, even if that meant waiting at the airport for hours.

“We should be okay for traffic,” Hilary says, breaking the silence, “You all packed?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah.”

After they finish eating, Y/N washes their dishes while Hilary brings their bags to the door and calls for an Uber.

As they drive, Y/N stares out the window at her former home, not knowing when she would be back. (That’s a lie. She knows when she’ll be back, she knows the schedule, she knows when she’ll be back in Minnesota). She looks at Hilary. She doesn’t know when she’ll see Hilary again. (Another lie. She knows they’re all going to Utica for preseason. She knows Hilary will be there).

At the airport, Y/N tugs her hood up and ducks her head. It’s hard to remain inconspicuous with Hilary fucking Knight beside you, and Y/N feels the tips of her ears burning with each step they take. Hilary, to her credit, is trying not to draw attention to herself. She has a hat pulled down low and sunglasses on, but she’s still Hilary Knight and a hat and glasses won’t change that.

They get through security fairly easily, both of them experienced travelers that they’re prepared ahead of time with all their documents ready. Y/N knows she’ll have to go through customs once she gets to Canada, and she hates that she has to do that and Hilary doesn’t, because Hilary’s staying in the same country. Y/N’s not upset at playing in Canada. She’s Canadian, she loves being in Canada and playing in Canada, it’s not that. It’s the fact that Hilary isn’t that gets her. She spent so much time worrying about Minnesota and the 22 hour drive that she forgot to consider the Canadian teams and the 10+ hour drives and the border. Even if they flew to each other they have to cross a border and go through customs.

Hilary goes with Y/N to wait by her gate. They find a table to sit at and set down their carry-ons. Y/N wants to put her head down on the table and fall asleep. Hilary seems wide awake, no doubt the coffee she drank before they left. Ever since Y/N had to quit coffee because of her concussion, she never went back. She sleeps better, she’s less anxious, she gets less headaches, and sure while she would like a quick caffeine boost on mornings like this, she’s okay.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Hilary asks, “I can go find something while you stay here with our stuff.”

“Some tea?” Y/N asks, “Can you fill up my water bottle too?”

“Of course, good idea.”

Y/N watches Hilary walk away from her and has to close her eyes. Even though Hilary is coming right back, it still feels like she’s leaving, moving further and further away with every step she takes. Y/N’s glad her flight is first. She won’t have to watch Hilary walk away.

Y/N doesn’t want to use up all her phone battery before she even gets on the plane, so she tries to find something to entertain herself while she waits for Hilary. She brought a book, but she doesn’t feel like reading. She ends up staring out the window at the tarmac and watching the planes take off.

“Having fun?”

Y/N jumps when Hilary sits beside her, placing her tea and water bottle in front of her. Y/N thanks her and blows on the tea to cool it down a bit.

“I know it’s probably not as good as, uh, Tom’s right?” Hilary says. Y/N rolls her eyes.

“It’s Tim’s and you know it,” Y/N says, “And Timmies isn’t known for their teas. They have them but they’re just regular tea bags in water. But they really went off with the double double. I might have to go back to coffee.”

“Nah, I bet you’re going to spend all your money on their little donuts.”

“Hilary you cannot be this dense,” Y/N says, “You lived in Canada before. You know they’re called Timbits. I can tell you’re just trying to rile me up.”

“And it’s working right?”

Y/N turns her head away so Hilary won’t see her smile. Hilary laughs, leaning into Y/N’s space and trying to get Y/N to stop avoiding her eyes. Y/N thinks of ‘accidentally’ spilling her tea on Hilary’s lap, but decides that’s probably a really bad idea. She settles for sticking her tongue out at Hilary instead.

Hilary brought cards, because of course she did, and she deals them a hand of Go Fish. After a few rounds, they switch to War, and then Slap, until others around them started giving them dirty looks, then they switched back to War. They’re halfway through a game of Crazy 8s when the PA announces Y/N’s flight.

“I don’t want to go,” Y/N says and she feels like a broken record with how often she says it.

“It won’t be for long baby,” Hilary stands up after Y/N and pulls her in for a hug. Y/N leans into it and tries to memorize Hilary’s scent and her voice and everything about her.

“Promise you’ll always pick up the phone?” Y/N asks in a small voice.

“I promise, cross my heart, scouts honour.”

Y/N reluctantly pulls away and grabs her bag. She hesitates, staring at Hilary, until the PA announces her boarding call again and she turns to the line that’s started moving. She hugs Hilary again and turns away quickly before Hilary can see the tears forming in her eyes.

The only problem with not having to watch Hilary walk away, is having to walk away herself, leaving Hilary standing by herself in the middle of the airport, feeling Hilary’s eyes burning into the back of her skull until she turns the corner and knows she’s out of sight.

***

Hilary supposes Y/N has a point.

Ever since Y/N’s concussion, and maybe for their whole relationship, things have been about Y/N. Not that Hilary’s been ignored, or neglected, but Hilary has spent most of her time trying to make sure Y/N’s happy, that Y/N’s okay and comfortable and comforted. It isn’t until she’s in Boston, alone, that she realizes she’s not okay.

It’s not that she didn’t realize what playing on two different teams means, of course she knows what that means, it’s just that… she didn’t quite process it. She focused on making sure Y/N was okay, that Y/N would be okay with the distance, that she didn’t focus on making sure she was okay.

Y/N never wanted to talk about Boston. She never wanted to hear Hilary tell her Boston was still an option, that just because they didn’t sign her didn’t mean they wouldn’t draft her. So Hilary didn’t talk about it, but it was always in the back of her mind. It was best case scenario for Hilary. She plays professional hockey in a city she loves, and her girlfriend stays by her side. Of course that wasn’t guaranteed, so Hilary accepted that New York would be okay. New York isn’t that far.

Of course, Hilary couldn’t rule out the Canadian teams. Montreal would be fine, a little farther, and sure there’s the rivalry, but Hilary doesn’t care about that. Hilary went through every scenario in her head, but she never really let herself think of anything but Boston. Hilary didn’t want to stress about something that hadn’t happened yet, so she didn’t. But that just meant she wasn’t prepared to hear Toronto announce Y/N’s name.

She wasn’t prepared for how helpless she felt, listening to Y/N crying over the phone and not being there. She wasn’t prepared for them both packing up their house, and having to split their belongings. Hilary wasn’t prepared to remember or decide who owned what, and who needed what where. She wasn’t prepared to go to the airport and then get on different flights.

The first day of training camp is tomorrow, so tonight Hilary is home and trying to prep. She’s packing her hockey bag, making sure she has everything, that nothing got misplaced in the move, and she notices her favourite towel is missing. Then she remembers it’s Y/N’s towel that she kept taking. And suddenly Hilary wants to cry.

She doesn’t. She doesn’t because she’s a big girl and they haven’t been separated for that long and Hilary can handle her girlfriend being in another country for a few weeks. It’s nothing she hasn’t done before.

She doesn’t call Y/N. Her finger hovers over Y/N’s contact before she redirects. Keller pick up on the second ring.

“What’s up Knighter?”

“Are you busy right now?” Hilary asks.

“I was about to go restock my fridge since I don’t think a singular open can of tuna will cut it for dinner, why?”

“Can I come with?” Hilary asks, “I mean, I don’t want to ruin your plans. I just… I’m bored. Wanted to see if you felt like hanging out.”

“Sure Knight,” Keller says, “Come over.”

***

“So,” Keller says as Hilary pushes the cart behind her, “You were bored enough to come get groceries with me?”

“Sue me for wanting to hang Keller,” Hilary says, “I could’ve called anyone.”

“And you still called me,” Keller turns around to wink at Hilary and stick her tongue out. Keller puts something in the cart. “How are things with the wife?” Keller asks. Hilary almost chokes on her own spit. “Heard she’s in Toronto. How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” Hilary says, “I’ve done distance before.”

“Not what I asked, but okay.”

“I’m fine!” Hilary insists, “It’s not like she died. She’s in another city. I can talk to her whenever.”

“Another country.”

“It’s not even a different time zone.”

“Do you really expect me to believe you were that bored? That nothing else is going on?” Keller says, “Do I need to call Kess and get her to beat it out of you?” Hilary sighs.

“I just miss her. Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing,” Keller says, “Why don’t you call her?”

“We talked last night,” Hilary says, “And I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re only allowed to call when you’re in bed?” Keller asks, “Is it a sex thing? Do you only call to have phone sex?”

“You are the worst friend I have,” Hilary says, “It’s not… I can’t tell her. I’m supposed to be handling this better. I told her we would be fine. I can’t call her now and tell her I’m not fine. I’ll be fine. I just don’t have anything to do and I just think about her when I’m alone and bored. I’ll be fine when training camp ramps up and I have something to do.”

Keller stares at Hilary for a moment, not saying anything, then:

“You’re a real idiot, Knighter, you know that?”

***

Hilary is always thrilled to be on the ice, even for training camp which has a weird atmosphere of players knowing they have a spot and treating this like regular preseason, and players who know their spot’s not guaranteed so they play their hearts out every minute.

The first few practices aren’t very smooth. No one really plays well, but that’s to be expected. They’re coming from all over, different teams, different leagues, and it takes time to learn and build chemistry with each other. Hilary leaves practice feeling like crap even though she knows she shouldn’t, and she tries to act like the older, more experienced player, tries to take on the leadership role of telling everyone not to sweat it, that it’ll come, but it’s hard when she doesn’t believe what she’s saying.

Things get better. They always do. The team gets used to playing with each other, the coaches find consistent lines so they’re not switching it up every five minutes. Hilary feels confident about the season.

Her and Y/N talk as often as they can. It’s not as much as Hilary wants, but she has to make do. They have skype dates, which suck in comparison to real dates, but seeing Y/N’s face, even through her laptop screen is better than nothing.

It’s a few weeks of training camp and then the final rosters are announced. Hilary feels bad for the girls who get cut. It’s the reality of only having six teams and a limited number of spots. She knows she can’t make it better, but she still makes a point to reach out to all of them and compliment them on their playing and tell them to keep it up. The league will expand and there will be more spots and Hilary doesn’t want anyone feeling like they’ve lost their chance.

Training camp ends and preseason begins. Hilary feels like she’s going to vibrate out of her skin. All the teams are going to Utica. Y/N is going to Utica. Y/N is going to be in the same city as Hilary.

Their first game is against each other.

Hilary hates when she has to play against Y/N, but she also kind of loves it. She loves riling Y/N up, getting under her skin, watching her get increasingly annoyed by Hilary, and then having her joking lecture Hilary about it after the game. Hilary likes it when she wins and gets to gloat and brag about her win, but she also likes when Y/N wins because the easy, joyful confidence that borders on arrogance looks really damn good on Y/N. Either way, Hilary reasons, she walks away from the game as a winner.

Hilary doesn’t end up playing, Courtney Kessel deciding to rest her and a few other players, and to see what the rest of the players can do. That was her justification to Hilary when she told her she wasn’t dressing, that she already knows what Hilary can do, what she brings to the team, and she wants to see what everyone else can bring. Hilary gets it, even if it annoys her, and not just because she doesn’t get to play Y/N, but also because she hates having to watch from the stands and not being able to do anything for her team on the ice.

Boston loses, 5-2, and it’s preseason so it doesn’t matter and winning or losing isn’t the point, and Hilary knows that so she joins the team in the locker room and nods along as their coaches go over what they did well and what they need to work on.

Y/N’s waiting for Hilary outside the locker rooms. She’s freshly showered, her hair still wet and dripping on her shoulders, and she wears a smug smile that means Hilary’s in for a night of insults and brags.

“We both have games tomorrow,” Hilary says before Y/N can say anything, “So don’t expect me to stay up late listening to you gloat about a preseason game against undrafted invitees.”

“You’re no fun,” Y/N leans up on her toes to kiss Hilary.

“Come on,” Hilary takes Y/N’s bag from her. It’s not her hockey bag, that one gets handled by the equipment staff, so it's not big or heavy, but what kind of girlfriend would Hilary be if she let Y/N carry her own bag after she played a full game of hockey.

“I’m not going to play tomorrow,” Y/N says on the way back to the hotel.

“That makes sense,” Hilary says, “Make sure everyone plays and rest those who are already a guarantee.”

Y/N is quiet for a few moments. Hilary glances a look over at her and Y/N’s hands are shoved deep in her pockets and she stares down at her feet. It’s such a contrast to how Y/N looked at the rink. The smugness, the happiness seems to be sapped out of her and Hilary doesn’t know why.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll get cut,” Y/N says.

“What?” For a second Hilary isn’t sure she heard right.

“I’ve been playing like shit. Coach already took a risk on Spoons and she’s got more experience than me. He’ll want her more than me, and I just keep showing that I’m not back to where I was before my concussion and I’ll probably never be.”

“That’s bullshit,” Hilary says. Y/N scoffs. “I mean it! All of us are rusty, no one is at their peak and that doesn’t mean you’re going to get cut. You’ve played one preseason game, no one is expecting you to play like you’re in midseason form.”

“I played like shit at the rivalry games and I’ve been playing like shit all training camp. You’re not rusty, you got four points at the rivalry games. I bet you’ll score tomorrow and I’ll be lucky if coach even lets me ride the bench for the season.”

“Y/N…” Hilary doesn’t know what to say. Y/N’s been making great progress with her insecurities, understanding that one bad game or one bad practice doesn’t determine what kind of player she is, and this conversation feels like they’re back to square one. Hilary wants to rant and rave about how amazing Y/N and how hard she is to play against and list every good play Y/N’s made in her entire career, but Hilary knows Y/N won’t hear it. At least not right now.

“Do you think he’ll cut Spoons too? Or Maltais? She didn’t get any points today and she took a couple of penalties,” Hilary says.

“No, of course not. He’d be stupid if he did.”

“I wish you would grant yourself the same grace you give others,” Hilary says, “I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

Y/N doesn’t answer. She doesn’t say anything the rest of the way back, and she pulls Hilary into her hotel room and drags her onto the bed. Hilary’s normally the big spoon, which is fine with her because she loves getting to hold Y/N, but tonight, Y/N pushes at Hilary until she rolls over, her back to Y/N. Y/N tucks herself against Hilary, her arms around Hilary’s waist and her nose pressed between Hilary’s shoulder blades. Hilary grabs Y/N’s hand and holds it tightly.

***

Y/N doesn’t play the next day. She sits with the other players who aren’t dressing and watches Toronto lose 5-4. She heads down to the locker room with the rest of the team and listens to Troy Ryan’s speech.

“Could’ve used you out there,” Blayre pats Y/N’s shoulder as Troy finishes and the team begins to trickle out.

“Oh my god yes,” Nursey pipes up, “Imagine if we had her in the neutral zone.”

Y/N doesn’t really know what to say. She doesn’t know what they think she could’ve done, and she doesn’t think she’s allowed to say that she doesn’t think she would’ve done anything if she had played.

“So,” Nursey nudges Y/N, “Should I vacate the hotel room for you and Hilary tonight or are you kicking her roommate out?”

“What? Oh,” Y/N fumbles around with her bag just to give herself something to do, “I don’t uh, probably, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know what Hilary wants to do.”

Everyone’s starting to trickle out of the locker room, so Y/N thinks it’s alright if she does too. She’s not looking up when she leaves, just wanting to get out of the arena and away from all things hockey as soon as she can.

“Hey Hilary Knight!” Sarah’s voice booms, “Do I get to stay in my own hotel room tonight or should I find somewhere else to sleep?”

Y/N’s head snaps up, and there’s Hilary, standing in the hallway, waiting for her.

“Nah,” Hilary says, “We kicked you out last night, Brandt can figure it out.”

“What are you doing here?” Y/N says to Hilary once the team has mostly dispersed from the hallway, “Don’t you have a game, like right now?”

“Yeah,” Hilary shrugs, “But we had to wait for you guys to clear off the ice first so.”

“We’re off the ice, so you should be on it,” Y/N says. Despite her words and her tone, Y/N is actually touched that Hilary’s here. Hilary, who should be with her team, who should be warming up, who should be using these precious preseason games to build chemistry with her new team, who should be acting as captain and putting hockey first over everything, is here, waiting outside another team’s locker room for a few minutes of conversation with her girlfriend.

“I’ll go in a sec,” Hilary says, “I just wanted to see you. I’ll text you when I’m back to the hotel? If you’re up for it we could grab dinner and hang.”

“I’d like that,” Y/N says. Hilary makes a move as if she’s going to leave, and Y/N drops her bag on the ground, and hugs Hilary tight around the waist. Hilary hugs her back immediately. Y/N closes her eyes, buries her head in Hilary’s chest. Y/N forces herself to pull back after a moment, she knows Hilary needs to go. Hilary doesn’t let her go far though, pulling her back in to give her a few pecks before letting her go.

“You really need to go,” Y/N says, “And I’m gonna miss the bus.”

“It must be the end of the world if you have to stay and watch me play and ride back with us later.”

“I’d rather not be put on house arrest for the rest of preseason. You know Troy would find a way to keep me away from all the other teams.”

“Yeah,” Hilary grimaces, “You better go.”

***

It doesn’t quite sink in until later, what being on two different teams means.

Yes, Y/N knows what it means and she knows they’ll be living in two different cities, she knows this. She’s been grappling with it since the league was announced, since before they even knew they were going to be on different teams. It occurs to her, later, when Y/N is giving Nursey an apologetic look as Hilary shows up at their hotel room, that they’ve been living in some sort of a bubble.

The Rivalry Series, preseason, they’ve been on different teams, but in the same place. They’re still seeing each other every day, no matter how brief, even if it’s just passing each other in the hall, they still see each other. They spend every night in one of their hotel rooms, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Hilary flops on Y/N’s bed like it’s her own, throwing her beanie on top of Y/N’s suitcase on the floor. She grabs the tv remote and flips through the hotel’s limited channels. She sits with one arm behind her head, her legs crossed over each other, sweatpants low on her hips, shirt rising up. Y/N doesn’t even notice Nursey leaving.

“Are you just going to stand there staring at me all night?” Hilary teases. Y/N rolls her eyes and joins Hilary on the bed. Hilary shifts instinctively, letting Y/N fit under her arm. Hilary’s still channel flipping.

It strikes Y/N then, that she doesn’t get this anymore in less than a month. She only gets Hilary for another week or two at most. And then all she’ll get is a handful of times when their teams play each other. It makes her want to cry. In fact, she does, lowering her head and trying to make sure Hilary doesn’t see.

Hockey has always been Y/N’s safe place. Whenever she has doubts or insecurities, or when her brain won’t shut off, or when she just needs to be good, she has hockey. She’ll shoot pucks in a net in the driveway if she has to. Wherever she is, whatever is going on, she’s always had hockey.

With her concussion, Y/N didn’t have hockey. She didn’t have that escape when she needed to forget the world. And even now, even though she can play again, hockey doesn’t turn her brain off. She gets in her own head about hockey now. She’s not 100% yet and she doesn’t know if she ever will be and every second she’s on the ice, she’s paranoid about how she’s playing and every time she’s near the boards it’s like she can feel the phantom presence of skaters behind her, ready to shove her again. Every time she takes a hit she panics that she’s hurt her head again.

She realizes in that moment, hockey isn’t her escape, Hilary is. Every time she needs to shut her brain off, she’s turned to Hilary. When the media, when her head, when her fear threatens to consume her, she has Hilary to distract her until she feels better. And she realizes that soon Hilary will be miles away, hours away, and she won’t be able to just go to Hilary or have Hilary come to her and make it all better.

Oh god, Y/N thinks, how the hell am I going to last a whole season without her?

***

After preseason, the next leg of the Rivalry series comes. It feels like the month goes by so quickly, but Hilary loves it. She spends the whole time playing hockey and hanging with her friends and being with Y/N. She’s fought so hard for this league and now that it’s here, she’s spending every moment soaking it in and being grateful that it’s finally here.

The first game is in Kitchener. Y/N’s not from Toronto, but her hometown is only a few hours away, so she always talks about Toronto like it’s home. Whenever someone asks Y/N where she’s from, she’ll say Toronto. It took Hilary months to learn that Y/N didn’t actually grow up in Toronto.

“It’s just easier,” Y/N explained, “People know where Toronto is. I don’t have to try and explain where I’m from and everyone would just ask what the nearest big city is, or if it’s near Toronto. It’s just easier.”

Kitchener isn’t Toronto, Hilary knows this, but it’s only a few hours away. Y/N’s family will be at the game. Hilary hasn’t not met Y/N’s family, but apart from a few phone calls where she stuck her head in to say hi, she hasn’t really met them. At the Olympics, Y/N’s family had been there, but she wasn’t ready for them to meet Hilary, she wanted to wait until the Olympics were over. Then, her concussion, and they were almost broken up, and well, there just hasn’t been a good time.

If asked, Hilary wouldn’t say she’s nervous. She’s met lots of people’s families before, her partners’ families, her friends’ families, and everyone loves her. Hilary is actually really good at the ‘meeting the family’ thing that she never worries when someone’s relative approaches her. However, she loves Y/N. She loves Y/N more than anything and she doesn’t know if they know anything about their almost breakup or how awful Hilary was or if they know that it was partially Hilary’s fault that Y/N got a concussion.

What Hilary is mostly concerned about is that they know about all of it and they’ve already decided they don’t like her. That they’ll tell Y/N they don’t approve and Y/N will break up with her, for good this time.

It’s a bit dramatic, and Hilary knows how much Y/N loves her. Everything has been so good. A couple of bumps with the draft and being on different teams and not being out and they’re finally in a good place with all of it. They’ve been through so much and come out on the other side that Hilary knows Y/N isn’t going to throw everything away, throw her away, no matter what her family says.

It still makes her nervous though.

In the end, none of it really matters.

The US wins in overtime and Hilary and her teammates celebrate the hard fought win and going up 3-0 in the series. After the game, the locker room talks, and everyone finds their way to the buses and talks of what they’re going to do to celebrate when they get back (quietly, where the coaches can’t hear because they technically have a curfew because they have to leave for the next game tomorrow and they’re supposed to be resting and recovering) Hilary backs out of the celebrations and goes in the opposite direction of the bus. She’s already cleared it with the coaching staff and promises to be back in the hotel before curfew and she meets Y/N and her family in the parking lot.

“Hey, good game,” Hilary says to Y/N, “Too bad we were just better.”

“Shut up Hil,” Y/N rolls her eyes and gives Hilary a quick hug. Hilary turns to Y/N’s parents and offers her hand.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you – oh.”

Y/N’s mom ignores the hand and hugs Hilary. Y/N’s dad shakes her hand after the hug ends and as they walk to the car, Hilary doesn’t feel like an outsider, she feels like she’s part of the family. She pulls Y/N close to her side, kisses the side of her head, and keeps her smile pressed to Y/N’s hairline.

“What are you smiling about?” Y/N asks.

“I love you,” Hilary says, “I’m happy to be here with you. I’m happy to be a part of your life. I could do this forever with you, you know that?”

“Forever’s a long time,” Y/N says.

“Not with you it’s not.”

Hilary turns her head away and sees Y/N’s mom watching them, a smile on her face. Hilary doesn’t know what she was worried about.

***

They have a bit of a break for Christmas. Not a long one, but enough time to have the actual holiday off. The first game is January 1st, so they basically get Christmas Day off and are told they should report to their teams ASAP. Hilary’s fine with that, having lived the professional athlete life long enough to be used to missing holidays or just barely making them at all.

Hilary and Y/N had floated the idea around of spending Christmas together, but with their families in separate places, they decided to spend Christmas with their own families. Hilary wants to spend Christmas with Y/N, especially since they’re about to be separated for five months, but she sees her own family so little as it is, that she doesn’t have the heart to tell her mom she can’t come.

Hilary’s figuring out flights when she calls her mom to sort out their plans.

“Is it just you or is Y/N joining us?” Cynthia asks.

“Just me Mom,” Hilary says, “She’s seeing her family.”

“Is that what you want?” Cynthia asks.

“I want to spend it with her, but she doesn’t get to see her family ever and I respect that.”

“You know I love you and I would love you being here, but I don’t want you here if you’re going to spend your whole time on the phone with her. If your head is where she is then that’s where you should be too.”

“Mom,” Hilary says, “I can’t do that. It’s Christmas. I already made plans to come home.”

“You haven’t booked flights yet.”

“Mom.”

“I won’t be upset if you do come home,” Cynthia says, “You know I love whenever I get to see you, but I don’t want you sulking around my house on Christmas because you’d rather be somewhere else. We’ll come see you during the season and you’ll have the whole offseason to come see us. If you want to be with her, you should be with her.”

***

Y/N loves seeing her family. She hasn’t been able to be home much in recent years. She loves being home, but she can’t help being a little distracted. Hilary texted her ‘good morning’ earlier, but since then, Y/N hasn’t heard anything. It’s not the end of the world, since Hilary is probably busy with her own family, but it still bothers Y/N.

“How are you feeling about the season?” One of Y/N’s cousins asks. Y/N snaps back into the conversation.

“Oh, uh, I think it’ll be good. I’m excited to play,” Y/N says, “I’m… I’m nervous, because of my head, but the docs say I’m all good to play and hopefully no one’s gonna knock me head first into the boards again,” Y/N laughs.

Y/N keeps up the conversation, even though she’s half focused on her phone and the lack of message notifications. She’s too distracted to notice her own family looking at their phones, and too distracted to notice her mom getting up and opening the front door.

“It’s not fair that Y/N gets her present early,” Y/N’s cousin speaks up. Y/N looks up in confusion and almost chokes on air.

“Hi baby,” Hilary says, standing in the living room, bags at her feet, looking tired.

“Wh… What are you doing here?” Y/N stammers.

“Surprising you,” Hilary answers with a smile.

Y/N’s mom tells Y/N to take Hilary up to her room and get her settled before dinner. Y/N does, still in shock that Hilary’s here.

“I thought I might at least get a hug,” Hilary says once Y/N closes her bedroom door behind them, “After all, I did just fly all the way here to spend Christmas with you.”

Y/N takes Hilary’s bags from her, and drops them on the bed. Then she pulls Hilary into a hug. She takes a deep breath, taking in the scent and the feel of Hilary being here, with her.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N asks, not letting Hilary go.

“I want to spend as much time with you as I can before the season starts. I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Y/N says.

“Should we go back and join everyone?” Hilary asks. Y/N shakes her head.

Hilary did all of this, flew all this way, coordinated with her family, gave up Christmas with her own family, to spend it with Y/N. It almost hurts, how much Y/N loves Hilary. Y/N loves her so much, and she’s never felt as loved as she does with Hilary, and here, in her room, with the sounds of her family’s laughter downstairs, and with Hilary’s arms around her, Y/N can’t help but think how lucky she is.

And how much the next five months will suck.

[johnnycakesswitch]

What are some of your purly headcanons?? I just got supper obsessed with them lol

Yesss we love purly in this household here we go:

• they’ve been friends since they were pretty little just because they’re the same age, both greasers, etc. Even if they weren’t always super close, they kinda had each other’s backs like if Curly saw someone messing w Pony he’d give him a “fuck off or see what happens” kind of look or if Curly’s getting into some trouble Pony would try to distract him because school is no fun if Curly is suspended

• as they get older though, they become more friends, like proper friends who hang out and get up to stupid shit. Darry and Soda don’t love that Curly is who Pony chooses to hang out with, but at the end of the day, they’ve all done stupid shit too, and as long as Pony doesn’t get arrested or break his curfew, there’s not much they can really say

• how they got together was a very slow, unofficial progression. One day Curly asks if they should practice kissing on each other so they can be ready and Pony’s like yeah that sounds smart. So they’re each other’s first kisses and they continue to practice on each other so they can get better and better 😭

• one day Pony’s like “so have you kissed anyone else yet” and Curly’s like “nah you?” “Me neither” and it’s quiet for a few minutes before Pony goes “I like when we do tho” and Curly’s just like “yeah same” so they just keep doing it then

• I feel like they don’t really call each other boyfriends, but everyone that’s important to them knows they’re together. If we’re being realistic, they wouldn’t be able to act like more than friends in public so that plays a big role in it, but they don’t really mind because they’re not pda people at all and if they know they’re together, that’s what matters

• Curly uses anything but Pony’s real name. Baby Curtis and Ponybabe are probably the most frequently used

• when they’re not in public, they’re not super like affectionate, more just handsy. Always arms around the waist or on the hips when they’re sitting together or walking somewhere. They don’t hold hands that often but Pony likes linking pinkies. They like to lay in each other’s laps and argue over whose turn it is to do so 😭 Pony likes to do it while they watch tv bc Curly will rub his back or head and he looooves that. Curly likes to wrap his arms around Pony’s waist and bury his face in his stomach and take a nap like that

• making out all the time. Every single one of the gang, Tim, and Angela have walked in on them making out. It’s a canon event in their lives, could not be avoided. Curly and Pony have the audacity to not even be embarrassed they just go somewhere else to continue 😭

• Angela and Pony actually get along super well and whenever Pony is over Curly will yell at her for trying to steal him 💀💀💀 Angela is like bruh I do NOT want him

• then as soon as Pony leaves Angela has to listen to Curly just talk and talk about this kid like she cannot catch a break

• Tim likes Pony because Curly tends to stay out of trouble more now and also he just thinks Pony is a good kid

• overall Purly might not have the most conventional relationship but they love each other and at the end of the day that’s all that matters

[calliecwrites]

Shifter HRT, part 5 – Mind Before Matter (6 Months)

I’ve been on shifter HRT for half a year now. Half a year! The physical changes are still going slowly, but the mental changes are really speeding up. My mind is getting ready for the kind of body I’ll have. I’d say that’s a sign the big physical changes are coming soon.

I’m fully aware of my body now. Not in the vague way humans are – I mean everything. I know my shape, how it’s all laid out on the inside, and how everything connects. I’m aware of things stretching and twisting as I move. And all this knowledge is just there, like how I know whether I’m hot or cold.

It’s my sense of form coming in. It’s like proprioception – how you know where your limbs are, how you can touch your nose with your eyes shut – combined with whatever it is I tweak when I want to feel phantom arms or wings, but turned way, way up. I can’t change anything – at the moment it’s read-only – but I have a feeling this is going to be a big part of how shapeshifting works. It doesn’t feel detailed enough, yet, for what I’ll be able to do – I think it’s going to get a lot stronger – but even this would already overwhelm a human. If anyone needs proof that I’m not human anymore, here it is.

I know the shape of things, but not necessarily what they do. So, uh, I’ve become just a bit obsessed with anatomy in the last few weeks… OK, so I’ve been reading about it in every spare moment. It’s kind of a big deal, suddenly being aware of all this stuff inside you and not knowing what most of it does! And, who’da thought, we know quite a bit about how humans work.

Though it’s funny I only take an interest in this when I’m well on the way to becoming something else.

I’ve counted all my bones, and learned the names for them. I’ve found organs I never knew existed (thymus? mesentery?). And I’ve come across the weirdest names for things. In your ears there’s a goat and an anti-goat (or the words for those in Ancient Greek), and in your eyes are the zonules of Zinn – and those sound so much like aliens in some low-budget sci-fi film that I couldn’t stop laughing. We are the Zonules of Zinn, take us to your leaders—

But – I should stop. You’re not here for a three-hour lecture on anatomy. Especially when all of that is going away! Being made of homogenous goo seems way more sensible than all that muddle.

So: goo.

Tiny filaments of fluid are growing all through my body like a second nervous system. Unlike my gooey blood, I’m pretty sure this is the real thing – the stuff I’ll eventually be made of. I also think this is what’s giving me my sense of form. It’s what’s letting me watch the changes from the inside. More of the flexible patches of skin are appearing, and they line up with where the filaments are densest. They’re really starting to ache now, but still don’t do much yet – though my sense of touch is sharpest there.

The goo is also filling all the spaces in my brain and spinal column. I’d bet that’s happening right down to the cellular level – though I can’t feel that much detail. My old cerebrospinal fluid is completely gone. And, yes, it’s weird being able to feel my brain, knowing that this thing is somehow where all my thinking happens. Except now it’s not the only part doing that. Shifters don’t have brains – or even cores, like some kinds of slimes do. Our minds are spread out through the whole of our bodies. We’re thinking with goo, not meat. But right now, I’ve got both, and that’s got to be why the fluid is so tightly packed around my brain – so the two of them can talk to each other. Somehow, this process has to change the way my mind works right down to the atomic level, while still keeping me as one coherent person the whole time. Hearing what some of the people on slime HRT are going through as their brains dissolve, I can only hope the shifter version isn’t going to be like that.

My eye for detail is stronger and more consistent now. Sometimes I realise I’ve been staring at things for hours, taking in everything. And it’s not just sight. I want to touch things, feel all the textures, turn them every way, trace everything with my fingers. Sometimes I want to taste things too, though I’ve been resisting that one – my body is still human enough that I don’t think that would be a good idea. Germs, and all that. Is this how babies feel, exploring with all their new senses? I’ve got to wonder. It’s like my mind wants to relearn everything, now that so much extra detail is available.

I’ve found I really like meshes and grids, and things with lots of little holes in them, especially if they have multiple layers, and even better if they’re irregular. They’re fascinating. I want to stick my hands in there and be whatever weird irregular shape would fill all the spaces – though of course I can’t, because my body is still solid.

And sometimes I want to absorb things, too. That’s the only way I can explain what I’m feeling – wanting to take things apart layer by layer and… know them completely? Not with my hands or teeth, but with something I don’t even have yet. Absorption isn’t just a way to eat, but a way to learn forms more accurately than through observation.

But I can’t do it yet, so when the feeling comes on, dysphoria gets bad. Having new instincts that I can’t act on is horrible. My mind wants it, and my body just can’t. Imagine being hungry and having no mouth. Now it really feels like being stuck. When it happens, I curl up, hold things tightly, and press them against the changed parts of my skin, hard as I can. That helps a little bit. But until my body catches up with my mind, I’m just going to have to put up with it.

These senses are still intermittent, though now they’re there more often than not – and I’ve got a theory why. My fluid and brain are constantly changing and learning to communicate, so it’s no surprise if the signals don’t all match up sometimes. And when they’re fuzzy or missing, I miss them. I feel like I’m walking around blindfold. The old human default is starting to feel like nothing more than a bad dream, one I’ll be glad to forget.

Still, I don’t know how permanent any of this is, not yet. If I lost access to my medication, would anything stay? Would it all go back to the way it was before? Would this be the dream, that I’d never recapture?

My actual dreams are changing, too. I’ve been a shifter in dreams for years – or at least the approximate version my human brain could handle. That’s changing. Now if I decide to have wings or extra arms, they don’t just appear, like before – now, they grow, and my sense of form grows with them. There’s no internal detail, but I know exactly what shape they are, without having to touch them with my hands or look. And they’re much more stable – they don’t disappear halfway through the dream if I get distracted. I don’t know how realistic any of this is, but it’s the most I’ve ever been able to do. Imaginary shifter becomes shifter-in-training! And soon – soon! – I’ll be able to do this for real.

And one last thing: I made a few comments online, on posts by people like me. Anonymously, of course – hiding is a hard habit to break, and it took a long time to work up the courage even for that. It’s one thing going through all this in private – it’s quite another telling someone else. But I’m glad I did. Just those one or two replies saying I’m valid mean so much. There are other people who get it. Maybe over the next few months I’ll be able to do more. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe it’s time to tell my existing friends, and my family. I’ll think about it.

Like I said at the start, I’m hoping the physical changes are going to really take off soon. Which means – the goo'd times are coming! And I’ll see you there!

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@wuwojiti

[ronenrubinsteinthinker]

‘9-1-1: Lone Star’: Ronen Rubinstein Teases ‘Something Really Huge’ for Tarlos

T.K. (Ronen Rubinstein) and Carlos (Rafael Silva) are about to be tested as a married couple. But they just got past a major obstacle as their first anniversary approached—how Carlos’ obsession with solving his father’s murder has impacted their relationship, which sent them to couples counseling—so we shouldn’t be too worried, right?

“T.K. and Carlos have something really huge in store for them that’s, I think, going to take the relationship to the ultimate next level. And I think you guys will know exactly what that is when it appears,” “We start talking about it in Episode 7,” he continues. “I think that next test is going to be the ultimate tell for who these two are as a married couple. And I don’t think people are going to be disappointed. There’s always more growth for them and always more there challenges. But I kind of truly believe that Tarlos is endgame the way we’ve been saying it for years now. And I don’t think there’s anything that could stop these boys.” We know that T.K.’s half-brother, Jonah, will be coming in, but Rubinstein remains coy about whether that’s related to the test coming the fan-favorite couple’s way. What he does tease is that T.K.’s stepfather Enzo and half-brother Jonah coming in will “really push us into the end of the season and will really set up the next giant evolution in Tarlos and for T.K.”

Beyond that, how will the series end in general and for Tarlos? Rubinstein promises “happily ever after,” using words that Silva did at a convention.

“We’re talking about a very, very serious subject matter and leave it to Tarlos have these difficult conversations which they’ve been having for five straight seasons. And I think it really shows the evolution of Tarlos’ communication, their evolution as partners, as a married couple,” explains Rubinstein. “I feel like that scene is very telling of two people really caring about each other and doing the work to make sure that their relationship stays healthy and can thrive, can continue to thrive. And I think that’s a perfect scene to showcase how much these two truly love each other and care about each other.”

The episode ends with the couple exchanging anniversary gifts: T.K. got Carlos a guitar so they can take lessons together (as his husband had wanted), and Carlos gave T.K. an empty box for him to put away all his work when he comes home. But does T.K. think that will actually work? He does, says Rubinstein.

“I think that’s also very telling of the two of them. I feel like Carlos is very thoughtful in a different way. I think it’s a beautiful metaphor and sort of very symbolic of what that gift is. And then T.K. physically brings a gift that’s equally as thoughtful, but they’re just very different, and they have different ways of expressing themselves,” “And I think they’re both extremely sweet and thoughtful. And yeah, I think T.K. does think that the box is huge. It’s kind of like when they had the conversation about kids with the lizard. He’s like, right now, I’m not ready for kids, but I will give this little lizard creature a try. And it’s Carlos taking these massive steps to make sure that his husband is heard and seen and is happy as well. And yeah, I think he definitely believes that he’ll do what he says.”

Article x ⋆ October 26, 2024

[channelinglament]

Hi! I saw your ask as open and I wanted to request something for the Self aware Project Sekai AU you made :)

May I request how the Vocaloids react to the player? Like, how would they become self aware? We’re they self aware to begin with? Thank you :)

How vocaloids react to player ✨️

(Sorry everyone for being gone for so long, I was just emotionally exhausted and had a few angsty teen thoughts)

Platonic/Romantic - tbh idk? Depends on how u take it :^

Let's start off with the fact, that they all know know that they're not exactly their original counterparts

Yes, they are vocaloids, but..different? They're in game, nothing new for Miku- but it seems like it's their first time being alive. They know it's their voice, their songs but it just..feels weird?

- though this mostly applies to Miku, as she's the first one to greet us and has her..original form?

She knows it's her, but different her.

- I wanna say that I see all sekai vocaloids as different people, BECAUSE during April fools, THEY MET EACH OTHER and uhm- I'd recommend watching that video to understand what happened. They kinda became friends, and 25ji Rin liked wxs Kaito's (or what Kaito that was?) head pats. She was waiting for her Kaito to arrive.

SO that means they are ALL different.

Now, that we finally sorted out what was important, we can finally make some content

Hatsune Miku(s)!

The Miku that greets us:

She knows she is Miku, but she doesn't have knowledge of stuff outside the game. She is a sekai keeper, and keeps hopes and dreams of every vocaloid producer. But...She is unsure if this true. Some stuff happened before she even existed! (Games existence)

So she knows she isn't exactly the first Miku. But Miku anyways.

She was staying there all alone, for so long.. (game downloading)

Yes, she loved watching over sekais, but..it's not like she has anyone..

So when she first meets you! She is so excited to make a friend! She says you're a sekai watcher like her, because you two "sang" (aka you playing tutorial)

Whether you played bad or good didn't matter. She liked it.

She didn't wanna lose you, but it's not like you're leaving her. Your presence is always near her when you play and read stories/events.

She doesn't see you often, unless you're pulling for characters or there's an event/sth she needs to explain to you.

She's such a little tease, not giving you card you want if she knows you have more pulls. Don't worry, she will give you it, but just pull one/few more times please.. she doesn't want to be alone anymore.

First though when she met you: I am not alone anymore?

Sekai Mikus

As long as you won't harm others she's fine!

She is very cautious when it comes to [band's name]. They're her 1st priority.

At first she thought you are just there to watch over them, but she noticed you actually help them improve (I hc that by playing their songs, decorating sekai, grooving their cards and kizuna level you can make them better and improve them)

Aww, thank you so much! You are a great help!

.

.

.

.

.

Overtime all vocaloids became kinda obsessive over you? They want you to play their band's songs and care mostly, if not ONLY about them and their band! Yes, they're grateful you helped them improve, but they will bring you into their world, and you will make it real. Not just a game, but a R E A L, LIVING WOLRD. NO NPCS, NO GAME CODE

Until then, everyone is just a piece of cra- I mean, code. Your word also seems so dangerous... that's why they need to protect you from world's harm!

Not gonna lie, EVERY other vocaloid acts this way, so I'll end it here, sorry ^^; (Maybe I will make a part 2?)

But trust me, beware of Niigo and MMJ the most.... both, vocaloids and group

^ them when u interact with other groups

(Also beware of Tenmas, and Shinonomes. You can kinda trust Hinomoris)

[neithoftheveil]

Hello...if you don't mind me asking, can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters, each from MDZS, TGCF, and SVSSS? And why you loved them all? Also, your top 5 (or top 3) favorite moments from each novel? Sorry if you've answered this question before....Thanks....

Top characters for TGCF:

1. Mu Qing

-We might as well be the same person (kidding! …or am I?) Haha—I know what it’s like to have a criminal family, to grow up poor, to be relied upon to support your parents. We’re both hyper-independent. Victim complex. A dash of arrogance. Schadenfreude. You name it. He’s a complicated bug—not always a good person—very human. He’s my darling.

2. Xie Lian

-I love dynamic characters—characters who contradict themselves—characters who undergo immense change. Xie Lian is highly intelligent, but his blind spots can be huge. I also love his hyperfixations and goblin rants. And in general, he’s just pitiable (like when all the gods ignore him in the communication array). I want to wrap him in a blanket, but I also love watching him be a badass. He contains multitudes.

3. Hua Cheng

-Who doesn’t love his devotion? I love the parts of himself he hides away, too: his self-worth issues and his insecurities about his appearance. Something I love about MXTX overall: 99% of MXTX characters can be read as on the asexual spectrum. The books, extras excluded, are pretty devoid of sexual content. Characters aren’t described through a sexual lens. There isn’t a bunch of sleeping around. Having sex is never really on anyone’s mind. Idk—Hua Cheng is just one of the biggest examples of that? He’s the boss of a whole city, the scourge of the heavens, and also a massive virgin—and that doesn’t diminish his worth in any way. He’s not a weirdo for it, you know? People not having sex doesn’t make them a spectacle.

Bonus: Quan Yizhen

-Autism buddy. Enough said.

Top moments for TGCF:

1. 100 swords scene

-I’m just obsessed with it. It never fails to have an emotional impact on me, no matter how often I read it.

2. Confession in Cave of 10,000 Gods

-It’s so sweet. Hua Cheng’s fear. The vulnerability. How Xie Lian doesn’t say I love you or give a speech. He just hugs him. These two are great at communication, of being on the same general wavelength. They match each other’s freak. Also—I don’t imagine either of them have had a hug in eight centuries.

3. You said you would never leave me

-I don’t cry over television very often, and I can count the number of times I’ve cried over a book or piece of fanfiction on one hand. This scene, though. The whole speech. Tears. As soon as Xie Lian said, Won’t you stay? Weeping. Xie Lian doesn’t have a lot of moments that he lets himself be desperate—that he bears this raw side of himself. To literally be begging—to admit how much he wants companionship, how much he loves Hua Cheng. Ugh. Makes me cry every time I reread it.

Top characters for MDZS:

1. Jin Guangyao

-He’s similar to Mu Qing. Disadvantaged background. Pragmatic. Calculating. The ends justify the means. I liked him the moment I saw him. He’s a very tragic character overall.

2. Xue Yang

-He’s a gremlin. Objectively terrible. But I really love the way he self-sabotages. He would rather destroy what he wants than admit he wants it. He’d rather be hated than be vulnerable. I get that.

3. Wei Wuxian

-Similar reasoning to Xie Lian. Smart, tragic, overall a good person everyone gossips about and turns into a bad person. He’s also just very bouncy. Very fun. I love his energy, the way he interacts with kids, how he can be very serious and unserious and sometimes he mixes those two things (like quoting a Wen to a Wen to defend others in the cave). He’s a goofball, but he’s very deep and feels things deeply.

Top moments for MDZS:

1. Jiang Cheng crying after Lotus Pier is attacked

-This moment in the donghua specifically makes me sob like a child. I love when scenes hurt my feelings. They usually end up being my favorite.

2. Wei Wuxian jumping from the tree and being caught

-Just terribly, terribly sweet. I love the moments before and after too. It’s so soft. It makes my heart happy.

3. The confession

-Laughed my ass off.

Top characters for SVSSS:

I have only read SVSSS once and it was over a year ago. It’s a very funny series, but it’s not my favorite, so I don’t have any moments that stick out in my brain.

1. Zhuzhi-lang

-I just wanted to hug him like, all the time.

2. Liu Qingge

-He’s a dope with two brain cells. One is reserved for fighting. The other is for having a painful crush on Shen Qingqiu. I love him. He’s straightforward. Not always in a good way, either. He’s interesting.

3. Shen Jiu

-I love the bad apples, okay? Shen Jiu is… He doesn’t care if people think he’s a bad person, and he is a bad person in many respects. In general, I have a soft spot for characters with a complication relationship with vulnerability. Shen Jiu is a sore loser and a perfectionist—he’s scared and angry and jealous and possessive. He’s just so prickly. He’s fascinating. I don’t know. I want to crack his head open like a walnut and see how his brain works.

[ha-18t]

Oguro Kafka - Thanatophobia

Novel

Chapter 2

💬 Translation under the cut!

...

Originally, fishing was something I only did because of the bet with my mother, but I eventually became obsessed. Playing outside was always difficult for me, but fishing was good for thinking. I could strategize about what to use as bait, but in the end, what I caught was entirely determined by luck. That kind of randomness intrigued me.

Ultimately, our bet ended in a draw. The day my father and I went out to compete against each other, the weather wasn’t very good and we both ended up empty handed.

My father looked so disappointed upon seeing our empty buckets, but my mother just laughed.

I spent the rest of that year fishing, up until I experienced a minor event.

Well, I say minor, but… to me it felt major.

“You fish at the hospital? That’s crazy!”

“Hey, hey, what type of fish do you catch here?”

That day, some children were following me around and being noisy without my permission.

The children were a pair of siblings close in age to me - I heard that their father fractured his foot in an accident and was hospitalized. When they went to visit him, they spotted me with my fishing rod and started following me around out of curiosity… That was our first encounter.

Since that encounter, the siblings would always follow me around whenever they came to visit. I wanted to ask them if it was okay that they weren’t in their father’s room and that instead they were here with me day in and day out.

To be blunt, I was confused and I didn’t know how to handle them.

Their father travels the world as a photographer, and they would also usually tag along with their parents for work. However, their dad had injured himself trying to take pictures in an unexplored area of Japan. “We’re happy just to be able to stay in Japan for a while,” they would say, thanks to him.

Well, I wasn’t necessarily interested in what they had to say. The siblings would just ramble on casually, but I didn’t want to hear it.

I didn’t know what these two wanted from me. I wouldn’t even respond when they talked to me. When I caught a fish, I’d explain what it was to them, but I still struggled with even that type of relationship.

Most of the other children just stare at me blankly when I talk to them. My way of speaking was just too complex for them to understand. Even when I tried to speak normally, I struggled to keep up with conversations. But when the siblings talked to me, it was like they were trying to completely grasp the things I was saying.

One day, my father asked me if they were my friends and it made me so angry that I burrowed under the covers. They were absolutely not my friends. There was no way they saw me as a friend either. Who would want to be friends with somebody who only said the names of fish?

“This… here! Let’s exchange messages through this cassette!”

And yet, one day, one of the siblings approached me with an idea. They handed me a cassette tape that looked straight out of the Heisei era.

“I’ve already recorded something, so make sure you listen!” They said, grinning wildly.

I was surprised.

Why? Why would they do that? No matter how much I tried to solve the equation or read into the complexities of their language, I couldn’t get it. An unfriendly and perpetually hospitalized child who can only say the names of fish - why would you want to give a cassette to somebody like that?

I reluctantly accepted it, but the idea made me nervous. It was the first time in my life I had received a gift from a child my age.

When I went back to my room and listened to the recording, the content was trivial.

They talked about their dad’s hospital stay, the hospital snacks they ate yesterday, research they’ve done on horse mackerels, and their interest in fishing.

Sometimes, I would hear the other sibling’s voice chime in.

“-Ah, you’re recording the cassette. You said you wanted to get to know him better, right?”

Every now and then I would even faintly hear somebody who must have been the sibling’s mother.

When I was listening to the recording, my heart started beating fast and my cheeks were completely flushed.

My heart wouldn’t slow down. It was a strange sensation.

I found myself listening to it over and over again.

I was asked to record a reply as well. What should I say?

I thought about it for a while, and I figured that since it was on a cassette, it would be easier for them to parse what I was saying.

Ultimately, I ended up pressing record on the tape.

I carefully responded to each topic one by one.

I wished their dad a quick recovery. I talked about the snacks at the hospital. I corrected their misinformation about horse mackerels.

Originally, I was just going to say goodbye and hang up at that.

“…I hope you’ll come visit me again.”

And yet, I found myself saying that.

I tried to turn it off, but the Heisei era cassette tapes didn’t come with a function like that.

At that time, thinking about the fact that one of the siblings gave me this cassette tape… I felt overjoyed.

I still think that we can’t be friends. But really, deep in my heart, I wish we could be.

For some reason, the words my mother used to say suddenly flashed in my mind.

“It’s okay to be afraid of dying, Kafka.”

Wanting a friend and being afraid of death. I wasn’t sure how my brain connected those two things. Somehow, I feel like my mother would have understood.

After several rounds of recordings on the cassette, I finally said it.

“Come visit me tomorrow… and I’ll teach you how to fish.”

Is what I said.

At that moment, I made a promise for the future to a child I didn’t even know- and at last, we were both communicating.

-

There’s a saying that ‘Good luck and bad luck alternate like the strings of a rope.’ [1]

However, the gods of this world are a little bit cruel to me.

I asked them to visit tomorrow and I made a promise to them for that day, but overnight my health rapidly deteriorated.

All I remember is the tray holding my dinner flipping over as it fell to the floor, the pitter patter of footsteps around the hospital, and the frantic exchanges between the nurses and doctor as they carried me away.

“…he needs an emergency surgery, doctor!”

It must have been my father crying out.

“I agree - Kafka, please…”

My mother’s voice trembled as she spoke.

After that, they put me to sleep. I don’t remember anything after that, aside from the one thought going through my head-

I made a promise… that I would teach them to fish if they visited tomorrow.

If I were to die just like this… I wonder what those two would think.

What… would I think?

For the first time in my life, I made a promise to somebody outside of my family. Teaching them to fish would be nice. Even if just a little… it would be nice to have hope that I still could.

Why have I completely blocked out the idea of making friends normally?

Right then, I didn’t want to die.

‘I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die,’ is what I kept thinking.

‘I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die. I want to live.’

‘I want to stay alive, and I want to keep my promise.’

What have I even accomplished?

‘I don’t want to die. I can’t die yet.’

Even if it’s just something small, I can’t die until I have something that proves that I lived.

With that thought, I suddenly understood why my mother was so afraid of death.

Even though my body is nothing but 14kg of oxygen, about 4kg of carbon, 2kg of hydrogen, 700g of nitrogen, and various amounts of other elements.

‘A person only truly dies when all memories of them are gone.’

If I died right now, nobody would retain any memories of me and everybody would forget that I even existed in this world.

It was a depressing thought. My body and my mind would simply scatter into fragments of nothing into an eternal dark void. It was a terrible and vile feeling.

There is no guarantee that you will continue to live, even if you cling to it - death is unforgiving, and will rip you away without considering your personal wishes…

Ah, this fear…

This must be thanatophobia. I finally realized how my mother felt.

-

When I awoke from the anesthesia, I was back in the same hospital room as always.

The operation was a success.

Above my head, I could see the medicine in the IV pack dripping down.

I was unconscious for a few days - while I was out, the father of the siblings, who I had promised to teach how to fish, was discharged from the hospital.

…I assumed I would never see those two again.

‘I broke my promise, they must hate me now.’ That’s really what I thought.

That thought made an all encompassing sadness take over my body.

After all, it was the first time I expected a child my age to come and see me.

Really, I wanted to get closer to them.

That child, I wanted them to hold the memory that I lived.

Such a simple concept, and yet I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

I should have told them sooner, instead of being afraid.

‘I’ll tell you anything you want to know about fishing.’

‘I just want to talk to both of you more.’

That night, sitting with my regrets, I cried.

The next morning, there was a surprise waiting for me when I awoke.

“Good morning, Kafka.”

Right there in my hospital room sat the siblings that I so desperately wanted to see. The child I had been exchanging the tapes with had been crying, and their eyes were bright red.

When they looked at the IV stuck in my arm, they teared up and gripped my hand tight.

With a desperate look, they spoke to me.

“Let’s be friends, Kafka.”

The second they said that, they burst into tears again. I should have told them sooner. They were afraid that if I would have never woken up, they would have had to say goodbye without me hearing that.

At that moment, it was as if the world was shaking around me.

It was as if my tiny hospital room and my rough illness disappeared for a moment. My eyes were opening to a whole new future.

Mother. This may not be one of the secrets of the whole world. But in my world, this is what uprooted everything.

To just this one ordinary child, who was somebody nothing like me, who wasn’t extraordinary in any way… It was silly, but this person had sparkling and pure feelings for me.

Isn’t that enough of a wonder to classify it as one of the secrets of this world?

…

[1] lit. “Kafuka wa azanaeru nawa no gotoshi”

[quillkiller]

Queerplatonic prongsfoot.

James and Sirius who were each other’s first kiss, and learnt the ropes of sex together, and still make out and have sex when they’re bored or horny or want to be close to each other sometimes, and sit in each other’s lap at all times.

Sirius who started seeing Remus and cried for days because that meant he couldn’t be like that with James anymore.

James who sat Remus down for a very long talk about boundaries, because he can’t have his best friend feeling like this, it’s a crime.

Regulus and Sirius who both love James too much to give him up, but also make him wash his mouth for five minutes straight before kissing either one of them after the other.

good morning i just woke up…. lets get into it..

lowkey agree with the whole prongsfoot thing, though they aren’t queerplatonic soulmates to me. they will always and forever be a secret third thing. childhood best friends, each others boyhood, adolescense, always feeling safe with each other, loving each other, experimenting together, so on and so forth. <- to me, the peak of their physical relationship were during their teenage years and it sort of fizzles out naturally as they grow up. not entirely, though. they’ll always teeter the line of platonic, always be deeply codependant in a way that their partners will just have to deal with. they’ve both been broken up over it several times

except for remus !! super special to me that remus is a bitter spitefully jealous person when it comes to sirius, but that just simply doesn’t apply to james. james is sirius’ soulmate, but remus is sirius’ choice. <- being chosen is the height of romance to me. i love you on purpose. i choose you every day. that’s wolfstar to me. i feel like if anything, it would be remus and sirius who would have to sit down and talk about james rather than james sitting remus down to like.. set boundaries in a relationship that’s not his. but either way, yeah, sirius and james always have to have to Talk with their partners. though not really with remus, because remus has also been their best friend for years, and remus knows them. he loves sirius, and a huge part of what makes sirius is james. never saw one without the other. and so remus would never really need or want boundaries.. <3 though.. i am not immune to wolfstarbucks.. 🤍

lastly.. as we all know… im not a jegulus girlie unfortunately.. but me and the couples comglomerate (lane, renn & kara) have been talking lately about a dark academia fucked up blackcest throuple with jock james. think talented mr ripley vibes where regulus is obsessed with the idea of james and sirius fucking, and regulus just can’t get it out of his head. he wants james because sirius chose him over regulus, wants him so sirius can’t have him, wants to be sirius so james will fuck him. regulus impersonating sirius because that’s what he’s been taught his whole life anyway. to watch and observe sirius, be compared to sirius, be less than sirius, always behind sirius, watching him. anyway this is my roundabout way of saying that regulus would refuse this supposed toothbrush because he wants to chase his brother off of james’ lips…:/ i think that if james is going to be involved with both black brothers we’re just gonna have to admit that it’s incestuous and weird no matter how often they brush their teeth <- reg would steal said toothbrush. btw .

[srslyscary]

┊┊. WHAT’S IN HER BAG !

⟿ HER BAG

> BLACK SHEIN BAG . a gift from her mom, she’s had this bag for about a year. it’s continued to be in great shape, and it’s cheap. she never expects anything large as a gift, so she was grateful knowing she had something to carry her things with.

“this was a gift from my mom.. it was for my birthday last year I think.. or the year before that. it’s just a shein bag, but it’s pretty cute. I carry all my favorite items and essentials. it’s big enough for just a couple of things. thanks ma.”

⟿ PERFUME

> OCEAN DI GIOIA EAU DE PARFUM . It’s her favorite scent, the ocean. she enjoys how it’s not hard on the nose but not too light to where you can’t smell it.

“this is my perfume. ocean di gioia. it’s easy on the nose and I really enjoy spraying it on myself.”

⟿ HEADPHONES

> BLACK EARMUFF HEADPHONES . comfortable and easy to take a nap with. she could definitely fall asleep with them on anywhere at any given time. helps her adjust to the things she might be looking at on her phone.

“my headphones are one of the most crucial things in my bag. if I do not have my headphones on at least once a day, who knows what might happen. I love traveling with them because it makes the world seem a little more brighter.. I mean it’s already great but having music in your ears makes it SOO much better.”

⟿ PORTABLE CHARGER BLOCK

> BLACK PORTABLE CHARGER . simple and effective. definitely a must need item during long airplane trips or car rides. charges things up quickly and doesn’t run out of block battery for weeks.

“I bring multiple cords for my block just in case I happen to break a charger. the block charges my phone and headphones. the battery on the block doesn’t run out for a while as long as it’s turned off when you’re done using it.”

⟿ WALLET

> VIVIENNE WESTWOOD WALLET . holds all her credit cards, cash, information, etc. she mostly buys drinks with the things she has in her wallet, the members won’t allow her to buy her own food for some odd reason. she sometimes puts her phone in her wallet for extra measures.

“I carry all my cash and cards in here. mostly just to buy things when I get thirsty. I can’t buy food though, my members won’t let me.. oh and my phone is also in here. I don’t keep it in the bag because I get scared I will lose it.”

⟿ TOOTHPASTE

> CREST MINT TOOTHPASTE . brushes her teeth very often, always after she eats something and knows she won’t eat anything else after. she hates feeling like her teeth are dirty.

“I keep this for after i eat. no matter what time it is I always brush my teeth after every meal or snack I eat. I don’t like feeling like my teeth are dirty.”

⟿ LIP ESSENTIALS

> LIPGLOSS AND CHAPSTICK . another necessity she HAS to have, otherwise she will freak out. if not the lipgloss it has to be the chapstick. she doesn’t like the feeling of her lips being dry.

“especially after I brush my teeth or drink something, I reapply chapstick. and lipgloss is just to add to the look for performances or other things. just to look nice, you know?”

⟿ PLUSHIE

> GREEN ALIEN PLUSHIE . a gift from han, and she never goes anywhere without it. it was a gift that he gave her after they first debuted. she says that’s the first time the both of them actually got along.

“I remember this being given to me by.. han. hannie gave it to me after we debuted. we used to argue a lot predebut, and I guess this was a piece offering. we used to hate each other until he gave me this, and of course we’re very close now.”

⟿ WATER BOTTLE

> BLUE HYDRO FLASK . uses it when she needs to preserve drinks she buys, or when she needs to carry water with her.

“I usually carry water in here, I don’t want to be dehydrated. other times I’ll pour unfinished drinks in here when there’s nothing in here.”

⟿ BOOK

> THE OBSESSION . a book she says she can continue to read over and over again. she never gets tired of this book. likes the plot of a boy meeting a girl, the boy stalking the girl, and getting revenge on the boy after she finds out he’s been stalking her.

“this is my favorite book.. it’s called ‘the obsession’. it’s a really interesting book, kind of creepy as it’s about stalking people. I’m not a stalker I just find these things sort of interesting!”

[posebean]

rinky adjacent except its shiina kyoudai (hiki) and sakura nee-han (shinju) that me and @nguyenfinity have an au of and are obsessed with have fun reading

um i think its obvious which characters are mentioned and their relations but if you havent seen the main posts for more information:

hiki: https://www.tumblr.com/nguyenfinity/746817271252533248/bean-and-i-have-been-locked-in-the-kitchen-so

shinju: https://www.tumblr.com/nguyenfinity/749132426169729024/so-like-women-oukawa-nee-hans-rehashed-their

also context is theyre at rinky wedding

Hiki loosened his tie, leaning on the balcony rails. He looked up at the stars, watching as they twinkled in the sky.

“What’s a guy like you doin’ out here all alone? Everyone’s inside enjoying the party, I think Kohakun is fighting the groom right now.” He hears an amused chuckle behind him, Shinju sliding up to stand next to him, a champagne glass in her hand.

Hiki gave a lopsided grin. “What’d Amarinrin do this time? That troublemaker really couldn’t go without instigating something, even on this specific day? Pfft, I still wonder what Nikkun sees in him.”

Shinju emptied her glass, setting it down on the railing. “Not sure, probably started it though. Kohakun is definitely making sure he’s getting what he deserves,” she laughed.

“Ha, yeah, definitely if it’s Chiikawa.” Hiki laughed airily, scooting over so Shinju had more room.

“You didn’t answer the question~” Shinju poked him on the cheek, a silly smile.

Hiki scrunched his face, batting her away. “Can’t a guy get some fresh air? All the idols in there are so~ draining. Did you see that one that was climbing the wall? Or the one that was lying on the floor asleep? Crazy bunch, all of them. How does Nikkun stand being surrounded by all of that 24/7~”

Shinju snorted. “Like you’re one to talk? You’re as bad, or even worse than the red one after several drinks.”

“Shi-chan, I do not appreciate this attack on my character~” Hiki whined, resting his hands on the railing.

They stood in silence, looking up at the stars.

“Shi-chan, Nikkun looked so happy.” Hiki mumbled, still looking up.

“Yeah. So did Ama-chan. I guess they’ve both been waiting for this for so long. It’s really sweet.” Shinju smiled, leaning back on the railing.

“He’s an idiot and dumb as fuck, but really the only one that can make Nikkun smile like that. I’m glad that Nikkun found someone that would never let him be alone again.” Hiki sighed, gripping the railing.

“Hikkun…”

Hiki turned slowly, offering a hand to his companion. “Do you think…we could’ve turned out like that?”

Shinju took it, giving a small shake of her head. A sad smile. “It would never work. You know this.”

Hiki laughed, squeezing her hand. “Yeah. You wanted to protect your siblings, I wanted to redeem my family name. Two dreams on separate paths, too far apart.”

Shinju laughed softly, squeezing back. “Yeah. It really wouldn’t have worked, no matter how much your mom tries to use her puppy eyes on me.”

Hiki rolled his eyes. “Pfft. I’ll tell her to stop. Whether we’re together or not, she does see you as family, though. You’re always welcome for dinner.”

“Hehe~ I’m always down for Shiina cuisine. As long as it’s not made by you.” Shinju stuck her tongue out.

“Hey! My instant food prep skills are amazing, thank you very much.”

“Instant noodles and microwave rice do not count as a good meal, your entire family is saying this and you still don’t believe them?” Shinju huffed.

“They just can’t appreciate taste like how I can.”

They stared at each other before both started to laugh, loud and clear and just them up there on that balcony.

Hiki grabbed her other hand, gently pulling her away from the railing. “But just for tonight, Shi-chan. You’re my plus one~ May I have this dance?” He lifted up one of her hands, kissing the knuckles.

Shinju laughed, eyes glittering. “Only for you, Sweetheart.”

They waltzed around the balcony, dancing slowly to the sound of some song that Hiki pulled up on his phone.

“Maybe in another world it’d be us at that table,” Hiki hummed, stepping one way.

“Yeah, after you try to and fail to fight my father over ten times. No, maybe a hundred times.” Shinju giggled, letting him take the lead.

“Hey! I’m hurt that you have no faith in me~” Hiki whined, spinning them.

“I’m just stating the facts, Hikkun.”

Hiki huffed. “Maybe like twenty. They’ll feel sorry for me and then let me win.” He swayed them, slowly and not even on beat with the music.

“I think Kohakun would rather die than have you as a brother. The other two are okay.” Shinju smirked.

“But he’d be fine with Nikkun?! The betrayal!” Hiki feigned a gasp, swaying them to the other side.

Shinju laughed softly. “Well? Tell me more about this other world.”

“Nikkun would want to be on catering…Maybe Mom and Dad will help. Amarinrin would probably be there too, I can’t imagine a world where he isn’t clinging to Nikkun.” He shifted one of his hands to her waist.

“Probably as annoying as always. The Ama-chan guarantee.”

Hiki smiled. “Yeah. You’d probably look very pretty for the first time ever, ha.”

Shinju pulled her hand free and whacked him gently. “I’d probably be the one in the suit, I think you’d fit the dress better.”

“I’m not Nikkun~ Not every man is willing to be a bride.” Hiki snickered. “No one would ever be able to look as pretty as Nikkun, anyways.”

“Hmm hmm~ I agree.”

Hiki spun them again, stepping lightly. “ We’d go wherever we want to, all over the world. I’d show you all kinds of things, maybe we’d have a bunch of near-death experiences.”

“Which you probably would’ve dragged us into, leaving me to haul your ass to safety.”

Hiki laughed. “My ever-reliable Shi-chan~ What would I do without you.”

“Die a stupid death, I guess~”

Hiki stepped forwards, dipping her. “And…I don’t know. It just feels like it’d be nice, that other world.”

“Yeah. It does.”

Hiki leaned in. “Shi-chan, can I be greedy for a second? Can we live in that world for just this moment?” he whispered.

Shinju smiled sadly. “Yeah.”

Hiki closed the gap, soft and sweet.

He pulled back, helping Shinju back up. “Bleh. B-tier champagne. Didn’t Amarinrin listen to any of my suggestions at all? After I worked so~ hard on that list just for him, and for free, too!”

Shinju laughed, rolling her eyes. “He actually ended up getting way more than what you suggested. ‘For variety’ he said. Come on, it’s cold and I want a refill~” She picked her glass up, pulling on his hand.

“Yeah~ Yeah. Okay, that’s enough fresh air for the night.” Hiki laughed, following her back in and leaving that other world behind.

[carriagelamp]

I don't know what to say here this month. February, eh? Hate February, the Thursday of months, I'm just clinging to sanity while I wait for spring. Here are the books that helped me through what is basically a month of overcast skies and fucking winter rain.

Candy Color Paradox v6

Candy Color Paradox is a series I’ve been reading for years now and I’ve really enjoyed how the relationship in this one has progressed over that time. It started somewhat similar to how you’d expect a yaoi manga to start — lots of tension, drama, smut, and some light antagonism between the two main characters who both work at the same weekly magazine. But it’s eased into something that’s really quite genuine. This most recent volume focused entirely on moving in together and all the little complications and insecurities that arise because of that.

Circus of Fear

A 1980s D&D choose your own adventure novel so the quality is exactly what you would expect, but at the very least it was a fun little diversion. Doing a CYOA book with a friend can honestly be a blast, they just feel so silly, and the setting of a magical, vaguely sinister circus is always an enjoyable backdrop. We managed to get a good ending on the second try! So yay! I'd honestly like to read it again and try some of the other routes that also sounding intriguing.

Dungeon Meshi // Delicious in Dungeon v1

Me and my girlfriend started watching Dungeon Meshi because we’d seen so much about it on tumblr lately and wow. Just wow. It really is doing something special and we’re completely enamoured. Since we’re waiting for new episodes, I picked up the first book so we could compare it and the show — it’s really impressive how closely they align! And the art is really lovely, it stands out and not just for it's food glamour shots.

For those who haven't been seduced into watching the anime yet: Dungeon Meshi / Delicious in Dungeon is a DND-style parody in which the adventuring party needs to enter the monster-filled dungeon to save one of their companions who got eaten by a red dragon. They need to get to her and revive her before she entirely digested. However, to hasten their quest (and indulge one of their member’s strange obsessions) they begin to hunt and eat the monsters that fill the dungeon instead of trying to bring food in from the outside. This is 80% a cooking anime and 20% a comedic adventure anime. Book or show, doesn’t matter which, you should give it a try if you haven’t.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones

I really enjoyed the first book of the series, Every Heart A Doorway, and was excited when I found out there was a prequel about Jack and Jill and the world they visited. This can either be read as a prequel or it works fairly well as a stand-alone novella; the story is about twin sisters who have always been forced to fill very precise societal roles by their parents. One afternoon, they stumble across a magical door in the bottom of a chest and venture down into the sinister world of the moors where one sister is taken in by a vampire lord and the other by a mad scientist. The story looks at how the sisters grow and change when apart from each other and their controlling parents. Excellent story, the language is just so enticing.

Midnight Sun

My brother has been watching all the Twilight movies with a couple of his friends. Listening to him bitch about Jacob like it was 2007 reawakened something in me, so after laughing myself sick I had to go and relisten to Midnight Sun. Still genuinely and unironically love this book, it’s pure trash but by god it's my trash. I’m a simple soul.

Odder

I’ve been hearing great things about this book, and it’s hard to go wrong with Katherine Applegate so I was excited to finally read it. This is a book written entirely in free verse poetry about an orphaned otter and her experiences being rescued by the Monterey Bay Aquarium. It’s inspired by a true story (several true stories, actually!) and it's very worth picking up even if you don't usually go for poetry. It's charming and reads very easily.

Old-Fashioned Cupcake

A middle-aged salaryman is feeling worn down by the humdrum nature of his life, which is filled mostly with work these days. This manga kicks off with his coworker suggests that if he wants to deal with the feelings of boredom and aging, then he needs to do something to shake up his life: so he suggests that they “act like a pair of teenage girls” and go to a fancy new pancake shop just because it seems fun, never mind that it’s not something grown men are supposed to do. This manga ended up being pretty darn cute -- it was slow and compassionate and loving -- and it managed to convince me to buy its sequel.

Professor Calculus: Science’s Forgotten Genius

A ridiculous little book I bought on impulse that was nevertheless a lot of fun to read. It’s a tribute to Cuthbert Calculus, celebrating the 80th anniversary of his first appearance in Tintin. It dives into some of the inspirations that went into the character, and also lovingly and cheekily explores some "facts" we know about Calculus as a person… and wildly extrapolates more from there. It was a cute little read for anyone who’s a fan of the series and wants something a little extra.

Return to Oz

I recently rewatched this movie and maintain that I like it more than the original film, sorry. It made me decide to grab the novelization because I’m always a sucker for a novelization <3 This one was pretty solid too, it actually included details that were left out of the film and improve the stories overall cohesion which is always the marker of a good novelization.

Return to Oz takes place several months after the original film, when Aunty Em and Uncle Henry are trying to build a new house and get the farm back in order before winter. Concerned by Dorothy’s continued belief in Oz and her increased insomnia, Aunty Em decides to take her to a doctor who offers healing through electroshock therapy. Yeah, it’s exactly as fucking creepy as it sounds… You get a scary aslyum, a sinister head nurse, being strapped to a hospital gurney, and new baddies that scared the bejeezus out of me as a kid. Anyway, before she can be electrocuted, Dorothy manages to escape back to Oz where she discovers her friends are in dire need of help. It’s like Alice: Madness Returns but from Disney. Go watch this movie.

She Drives Me Crazy

I had very mixed feelings about this book. It’s about high school basketball player, Scottie, who has suffered a bad breakup with her girlfriend who moved schools to play on the opposing basketball team. Things go from bad to worse when she gets into a car accident with her arch-nemesis, the cheerleader Irene. One things lead to another and bada bing bada boom we have a fake dating scheme so that Scottie can get back at her ex.

This book had some genuinely fun moments (I’m always a sucker for a fake dating scheme, and the characters were reasonably fun) but it’s biggest failing is one that I’ve seen more than I like in current queer lit. It just tries so. fucking. hard. to be unproblematic. Like yeah, it’s great to see healthy relationships but it was SO explicit about it. So much therapy speak, way more than feels natural for a conversation or internal monolgue, especially when they’re in high emotions. The “banter” was very scripted. It was a book that felt like it had a laugh track. And while the ending was satisfying enough, it was also… I don’t know. Anticlimactic. We just spent so long tying everything up in a perfectly neat little bow that it really just strolled to an ending that was obvious from a mile away. 

Like look, I get it, we want this to be squeaky clean and beyond reproach, but I have NEVER entered a fake dating story hoping that everyone was going to be really sensible and respectful and level-headed. Fake dating is the slapstick of the romance world, I want some Shakespearean level bullshit, please don’t try to gussy it up for me. Gonna go and rewatch 10 Things I Hate About You or something just to feel things again. Or maybe pop over to AO3, your average fic writer at least understands that when I say fake dating I mean I want something absolutely fucking unhinged and filled to the gill with mutual pining.

So yeah, if you want a sports-based high school sapphic romance: it’s not a bad book. It went down easy, I liked listening to it in the mornings when I needed something light before work. Some bits I even quite enjoyed. But it’s not going to rock your world.

Shuna’s Journey

Well, if nothing else you can really, definitely tell this was done by Hayoa Miyazaki. I’m honestly not really sure how I felt about it. The art was beautiful, and the story was pure undiluted Miyazaki through and through. The narrative was very nice. The story and message was poignant. It was a nice book. I can’t say it’s stuck very heavily in my mind, but I enjoyed reading it. It felt like a precursor to Princess Monoke / Nausicaa, perhaps?

The Witches

The story of one child and his grandmother needing to contend with witches. Not fairytale witches. Real witches. And all their horrible, child-hating ways. One thing I will always love about Dahl is that when he wants to write about something Horrible, nothing will stop him. His villains are truly villainous and the witches are a prime example of that! I loved the description of the witches and their horrible, sinister deeds, especially in the first half of the book. This sure is Child Murder: The Novel! The ending was absolutely not what I was expecting, and I appreciate that. Such a bizarre book.

[deludedfantasy]

Trimax Vol 3

Well, things are getting real serious in this volume and I have a lot of thoughts. Now that I’m not reading in a fevered state of obsession, the darkness of this volume hit me really hard. But more on that below the cut.

Ch1

Wolfwood is faced with Gray the Ninelives and remembers his big argument with Vash! He seems to decide that he’ll try to do things Vash’s way for once, but he’s very not happy about it. But like I said before, we’re already making progress. As much as these two disagree, they still listen to each other and try to work with the other’s perspective. 

This weird centipede puppet thing is incredibly freaky. I’m actually having a hard time looking at it.

More commentary on Vash’s humanity—or lack thereof, this time by Leonof, who also directly compares him to Knives. It’s interesting that he seems to see them as exactly the same. I suppose he’s right in that they actually have pretty similar core motivations, the sorrow, suffering, and rage he refers to. But yeah, Vash resists the worst that these feelings can bring about while Knives gives into them, but somehow Leonof sees that resistance as incredibly inhuman, which I don’t know if I agree with. 

Man, Wolfwood is so bitter and hopeless. He basically says, “Your ideals don’t matter. Either way, we all end up dead. The world is a terrible place where nothing changes and we have no hope of doing anything about it, so why bother even having any ideals.” That is…so incredibly depressing, Wolfwood. What happened to this man, I really wanna know. 

Ch2

Assuming Wolfwood is Chapel, was he not supposed to interfere with what Leonof is doing? I guess he didn’t interfere in the Rei Dei fight until the end when he thought Vash was going to die, and seeing as his purpose is to make Vash suffer, killing Rei Dei would be more in-line with his mission. Also, how does Legato even know about this? Is one of Leonof’s puppet creatures reporting on what’s happening in the colony?

I need to know where, exactly, Wolfwood has been hiding this spare handgun all this time.

I’m the kind of person who deeply enjoys when a man is overcome by bloodlust and then ends up covered in blood, so this chapter is just a 10/10 for me. Love me some bloody unhinged Wolfwood

Ch3

I have to say it again: Wolfwood gets so unhinged when he fights and I love it. It’s an interesting parallel to Vash who so far has been a fairly artful, though not always graceful, fighter. Comment inspired entirely by this two page spread

Vash getting tricked by puppet people never gets any easier for me to handle emotionally

“A momentary lapse in judgment can have fatal consequences.” Yeah, Vash refusing to shoot perceived innocents is a lapse in judgment, Leonof, sure. This is like the worse version of Wolfwood’s argument from last chapter

Emilio the Player? Is that supposed to be Leonof? Does Vash know him somehow?

I think this might be the cruelest of all the Gung Ho Gun fights. This isn’t just endangering innocent people, Leonof is actively using them against Vash so he can’t tell who is and isn’t a puppet. He tricks him into shooting someone! The psychological warfare is chilling and I’m starting to wonder if there’s a reason why he’s playing so much on Vash’s emotions

Ch4

Oh, so Vash does somehow know Leonof! Are the names he’s saying people they both know? Why doesn’t Leonof remember being Emilio?

Either way, this is personal. That explains the psychological warfare

Whoops, Vash might’ve just made things worse for himself by bringing all this back up for Leonof

I had a very hard time parsing this page and from what I can tell, Vash either blew up a water tower or set off the smoke alarms and the sprinkler system. Either way, there is water falling from the sky

Listen, I don’t care what’s going on. I just really wanna know how Leonof and Vash know each other!! This is all very, very cryptic

Random pile of coffins? Random dead lady (or is it a puppet) in a coffin?? And so I ask, what is going on???

Ch5

Listen, I know I’ve been going on and on about Wolfwood’s violence in this chapter but I think this might be the first time we really see him fight and he’s goddamn brutal. He’s practically feral. It’s a very marked difference to Vash and I’m trying to figure out exactly what this means but I’m not grasping it completely.

It definitely shows how willing he is to get his hands dirty. He’s not going to waste time with tricks, he goes straight for the kill and nothing will get in his way. But it’s also starting to feel wrong, I guess? Especially as he beats up Gray the Ninelives and has all those flashbacks to the children at the orphanage. It feels like he’s trying to give himself a reason to keep going like this when he really doesn’t want to. 

Also, love that Gray the Ninelives is literally nine dudes in a trench coat. Nine lives like a cat, right? That’s what I originally thought. Nope, nine lives because it’s basically a horrible organic mech suit powered by nine little guys

Leonof with his funky bat wings is so Dracula coded

Confusion alert: what the hell did Brad do exactly? It didn’t look like he was doing anything then the next second, what I think are the ship’s doors opened and dumped Leonof out. And then he says he did it. Does he just move really quickly in the space of a few panels? I feel like I’m missing something

Best guess for what happened to Leonof: the pain of his memories returning made him let go of the thread holding him up because he couldn’t handle the agony. But also, I have no clue. He obviously loved Isabel and I think the puppet is her preserved corpse, so losing it also broke something in him. But I want the whole backstory here, Nightow! Am I gonna get it? Probably not! I have so many questions!!

A dramatic Wolfwood monologue once again interrupted by silliness, this time in the form of Meryl and Milly. Insurance girls to the rescue! They legit save his life because he’s too busy making a brooding speech to realize he’s about to be chopped in half because Gray the Ninelives still isn’t dead

In conclusion, I have no idea what’s going on, but it was fun!

Ch6

Knives and his goddamn BDSM suit is killing me. But like…what is he doing? Is he using his powers?

Vash expression of sheer confusion at waking up in the hospital is so good!!

He’s so shocked to see Meryl and Milly again! Like he really can’t believe these people he became friends with would ever come back into his life. He’s beaming, though, when he gets past the shock. He’s so happy! I’m not sure we’ve ever seen him smile so wide

Oh, Vash. Jumping straight to blaming himself when he learns about everyone who died in the colony. But it really seems like no one here actually blames him. In fact, I think the people of the colony are happy to see him! But he’s so used to the damage his presence causes and how people turn him away for it that he thinks the people in this place he considers home would feel the same. Argh, I just made myself sad

I’m glad Luida outright tells Vash he’s part of the family. I’m not sure he believes her, but I don’t think he hears anything like that often

Leave it to Wolfwood to get mad at being thanked for saving people. To be fair, it would be pretty confusing to be thanked for killing when you just had a big blowout about how you shouldn’t murder people

“I’ve burdened you with my own ideals. I’m sorry.” What a LINE. Vash is definitely very aware that the vast majority of people can’t live like him, and that doing so can be very difficult. He’s really opening up to Wolfwood by admitting this

They’re already coming to understand each other more and the flaws inherent to both their ways of looking at the world. Rather than pushing back, they’re opening up. We love to see it

Vash’s pouty face here is everything

Ch7

Vash looks so soft and fluffy with his hair down. It’s also very fun/interesting/jarring when he doesn’t have his coat on. It reminds you that, at heart, he’s just a guy

Vash actually letting people in is!!! He shows the girls the cold sleep chamber because he wants them to understand why he does what he does. 

And Meryl does see it. She has another moment where she weighs up everything she knows about Vash, all the contradictory parts of him, and starts to see how heavily his past weighs on him, that something dark lurks there

Wolfwood is once again confused and trying to figure out Vash’s motivations. Redemption is a good guess to make but he’s not quite seeing the bigger picture yet. Mainly, that Vash doesn’t care about himself, that this is about everyone else. Because I don’t think he believes he can be redeemed and really, Vash has a literal death wish (sometimes)

To prove Luida’s point, Vash once again uses his own body as a shield to save the girls and gets his tech arm shot off again. Wolfwood can’t get over the stupidity.

Luida providing a Vash thesis statement right here. Kindness even in the face of endless suffering. I think maybe, right here, is when Wolfwood starts to really get who Vash is, what he’s doing, and what he stands for

This was fun! We got to learn more about Vash, see Wolfwood actually fight and get very bloody, and see some new places in this world. If I’m remembering correctly, things are only going to get darker from here, so I’m just gonna hide with the boys in their cozy little hospital outfits until it’s time to go on to the next volume. 

[yzafre]

Trying to wrap my head around my thoughts re: 2012 and Rise, and how they hit my brain, and it’s like...

The things I think these two series are missing/needed to improve on are what the other series did really well?  Like, each show would be enhanced by borrowing from the other (an impossibility in one direction due to the linear nature of time, but you get me).

And now I'm going to post about it to hopefully trick my brain into thinking I talked to someone about it so that maybe it'll let me think about anything else.

Uhhh putting a read more because this is mostly just a brain-dump ramble to free my mind from the topic-loop and it got.  Long.

Okay, exposing my biases ahead of time: while I very much enjoyed both series, I will admit that Rise appeals more to my personal taste.  I do also like 2012!  I liked it a lot, it’s just that, you know, I’m easily drawn in by cool 2d animation and anime bullshit, and also Rise’s humor matches mine better, which means it's the one I’m more likely to re-watch.  However, that doesn't mean I think Rise is perfect.

Also, for the sake of this rant, we’re going to be ignoring the circumstances surrounding production.  Yes, yes, we all know the executives specifically asked for Rise to have a much lighter tone, and that it got cut really short, and that affected how things panned out – but I don’t know enough about 12’s production to compare them fairly on that front.  So.

MOVING ON FROM THAT.

Let’s start with ROTTMNT.  I love Rise, love a good shenanigan, but... can you really deny that it would have been nice to have a more even split between pure shenanigans and more serious episodes?  Even just getting closer to 50/50?

Don’t get me wrong, the shenanigans absolutely have their place and actually contribute to what I like about Rise’s writing (which I will talk about in the 12 section), but the overwhelming amount of them really messes with the pace of the show overall, and with the escalation of tension.

Obviously, you can’t have every episode have the spectacle of an episode like, say Many Unhappy Returns, I'm pretty sure animating that shit's expensive, and early on it’s not like they really know what they’re slowly being dragged into, but... post Shadow of Evil, you’d kind of like them to acknowledge the stakes more, right?  And even before the turtles themselves know, you’d like the slow build that only the audience is getting to be a bit more consistent, right?

You’d like the weaving together of the plot and character arcs episode-to-episode to just be a bit more well-thought out... wouldn’t you?

And that is what TMNT 12 is good at.

I personally think 12 peaked in season 2 (I was so engaged with that season, the buildup was phenomenal), but throughout the entire series it is obvious just how much effort they are putting into developing these interweaving plots, and it pays off.  Every episode is a self-contained story, true, but even from season 1 you can see how even the most one-off episode is putting at least one thing into the Rube Goldberg machine that’s going to go off at the end of the season.  It honestly impressed me how they balanced “you can watch any episode on its own because tv has re-runs" and “every episode leads into the next until everything blows up”.

The end of season 2, when the tension they've been ratcheting up inch by inch nearly every episode finally releases, and all the dominoes start falling and danger is coming from every direction? Mwah. Stellar. Like, devastating cliff-hanger of an ending, but also the satisfaction of seeing it all fall apart? It's gripping.

Also, they acknowledge the stakes.  12 is obviously going for a much more serious tone, and covers some heavier topics like revenge, obsession, healing, ect (in a kind of surface level way for young kids, yes, but this is a nickelodeon toy-selling series.  Genre and intended audience matters).  I may not always agree with the answers they come to, but they are trying!  As opposed to Rise where the enemies feel... kind of out-of-sight, out-of-mind, in 12 the Shredder, and occasionally the Kraang, are a constant threat that they are always aware of.

While the setup is different (12!Shredder wants them dead specifically, whereas the Rise boys don’t really know what the Shredder will want other than mass destruction when the armor is complete), you kind of feel like the danger could have maybe been a little more acknowledged in Rise.

And like... the move into season 2 had them getting the Shredder armor "contained", which they used to go so far backwards on stakes which is... I mean, there were other choices they could have made.

You can argue that many shows reset the stakes when you beat the season boss at the end, but... Rise specifically went straight back to "straight shenanigans with little awareness of the outside world", repeating the "occasionally things are happening to build up to the end outside the turtle's awareness" and it's. It's a pacing and escalation, issue, again. And yes, we got some of my favorite episodes out of season 2! Season 2 had some good episodes! But also... I would have liked the stakes to progress just a bit?

When you finally had such a huge shift in the plot, and then suddenly you go ALL the way back down the where you started in stakes and tone it can be a bit... jarring. It's a pacing and escalation issue, again.

Also, if we’re going a bit more abstract, Rise could have had more serious episodes relating to their main theme/focus.

2012 was obviously focusing on their plot, and specifically the history between Splinter and Shredder, and the concepts of revenge and obsession.  And it came up a lot!  It was threaded through the majority of the episodes.  I might not always personally agree with the conclusions they came to, but I can’t deny they treated it with gravitas.

Rise seemed to be focusing on family bonds and family baggage.  And it's woven into a lot of the silliness. And there are also some episodes that address it seriously!  And they’re GOOD!  But, uh – there could definitely have been more.  Especially for the Splinter-children relationships.

They went with a very risky play for Splinter and his arc, and while I personally liked the shape of it, I can understand the people who take a very negative interpretation of this Splinter because there were not enough episodes dealing with reconciling his relationship with his kids.  They made a point to show that things were strained, made the theme family bonding, and then... didn’t put in enough episodes to finish off their main theme.

Don’t get me wrong, what Rise does have for their characters is very, very good.  Again, I’ll be talking about it in the 2012 section.  It’s just... the pacing of it all.

So, what I think Rise needed is what 2012 excelled at – pacing and interweaving of the plot, proper escalation of stakes, and time spent highlighting their main theme in more serious episodes.

Now, the other half of the equation: 2012.

I mentioned earlier that 2012 was going for a more serious tone, and that it was focused on the plot.  And they did it well!  It paid off!  I just maybe, personally, think that came at the cost of the character writing.

It’s not that it’s bad.  They’ve got a strong sense of character voice for their main cast.  It’s just that when you go anywhere beyond that it’s really... average for a kid's cartoon, and when compared to the obvious effort they went to when weaving together the plot it sticks out.  Of course, authors are allowed to lean into plot-based narrative over character-based, and this might just be personal taste again, but...

I’m going to put in a reminder that everything in this rant is based on how the writing hit my brain specifically.  Different people will experience the same story differently, yes?  Yes.

That being said, the character writing for 2012 hit me weird.  There were “character episodes” in between the plot ones, yes, but they didn’t feel... connected?  If the pacing of the plot in Rise felt weird and disjointed, the character arcs, if I could find them in 12, felt the same way.  It’s like they would drop in a really interesting nugget for a character into a single episode, and I’d be excited to see where it went – and then it would either be shoved way in the background from there on out, or dropped completely.  It often left me feeling like I’d missed a step going down the stairs, when I expected them to start working on a character arc and they just went back to the status quo.  That’s not uncommon for a kids show, but... they put so much more effort into the intricacies of the plot!

What ended up feeling missing was a development of the characters from an internal perspective.  That is, hm.

I mentioned earlier that there were narrative benefits to the shenanigan structure of Rise.  The first half of this is because it lives and dies by its characters.  They can’t depend on an engaging plot to capture your interest long-term, because the plot is only in select episodes, so by god you better be attached to these characters.  While part of the humor is, yes, the situations they get into, the other part is the character dynamics – both the friction between them, but also the positive synergy between them.  That’s not to say 2012 doesn’t have character interactions – they've got their banter – it's just that it doesn’t have to carry the episode the way it does in Rise.

The other half of the narrative benefits is that more episodes can be motivated by the character’s internal desires, rather than external forces.  Stepping outside of TMNT to reference everyone’s favorite cartoon, Avatar, for every, say, Avatar Roku, you’ve gotta have a The Waterbending Scroll.

2012 is largely driven by its plot – which is a good plot!  But what felt like, eh, 90% of the time?  Everything that’s happening is motivated by what the antagonists are doing – the Kraang/Purple Dragons/Foot are doing this bad thing, or coming after us, and we have to stop them, because we’re the good guys/they’ll kill us if we don’t.  Not bad, objectively, it certainly raises stakes!  But also, it doesn’t really let us in on, like, the character’s internal world or what they want.

With Rise’s shenanigans...

Origami Tsunami happens because the boys got a taste of fighting and want to chase that high.  Shell in a Cell happens because Raph loves wrestling, his brothers seem to like it well enough or otherwise want to hang out/humor him, and Leo is feeding his ego/fighting his insecurities.  Repo Mantis is because Donnie and Mikey were hanging out while Donnie collected resources(?), saw something they wanted, and went balls to the walls to acquire it.  The Purple Jacket happens because Donnie wanted to experience toxic academia and fashion.  I could go on.

My point is Rise leaves more space for the episodes to be internally motivated, and that ends up telling us a lot about their characters!  What did they want?  How did they specifically go about trying to get it?  Did they involve others?  Who did they involve?  It adds depth to them, even in the silly goofy show!

There is also one specific writing trick Rise uses which I wish could go back in time and be implemented into 2012, and that is: “line played for laughs in one episode” > “oh wait they were serious”.

I’m talking the “my first positive reinforcement from a parent-aged adult. EVER.” to Turtle-dega Nights pipeline.  Minotaur Maze to Many Unhappy Returns for Leo.  Arguably Pizza Puffs to the series finale for Raph, if you follow me.  Reparin’ the Baron to Hidden City’s Most Wanted.

Even in the jokes, the throw-away lines, Rise is exposing what makes the characters tick.  And then when it hits, it hits.  This is why, while the Rise arcs are kind of incomplete, the writing still feels more consistent to me and I find it easier to see the intended arc they were going for.

And I so so so wish 2012 had that kind of thing, or ANY more focus put on character development, because, not to harp on this again, but they’ll drop in this one really interesting line or action from a character in a single episode focusing on them, then never mention it again or develop on the concept, and it kind of makes me feral because, like -

I want to gather up all these weird little scraps they give about these characters and pin them up conspiracy-board style and go: why didn’t we get a plot line about this?  Or this?  Did you notice how a lot of the time Raph is pushing for more action against their enemies, he brings up that they’re out there hurting more people?  And that could indicate a unique empathy for the victims, which would have been an interesting expansion on the vengeance theme of the showing, looking at justice v vengeance when ti comes to people without the ability to fight back?  Leo has a lot of tension between wanting to be a good leader and wanting the freedom to make impulsive choices and chase what he wants, which is interesting when you also look at moments we see with his two role models the sci-fi hero (who is kind of an asshole) and Splinter (who, while wise, has baggage that sometimes affects his decisions), and it feels like somewhere between all that there could have been an expanded storyline that actually resolved that tension between responsibility and personal desire that would have lead to his own version of leadership?  What about getting a focus on the few lines Donnie gives about his insecurities/stress re: his scientific abilities/role, rather than dragging him into his extremely bland romantic b-plot?  Can we address the weird way Mikey did chemistry magic two or three times but it’s never brought up outside that, or that one line by the anger-persona in his mind explicitly saying he tries to repress his anger because he doesn’t like the way it feels, or, or -

Why do they keep dropping these really interesting inciting incidents for character arcs and then not going anywhere with them I am losing my mind I am shaking the writers why do you keep teasing me like this -

Ahem.

Additionally... well, I mentioned above that Rise has a main theme of family bonds, where... 2012 kind of struggled to convince me of any relationship. Or, no, that sounds harsher than what I really mean.

I also want to clarify that I am not saying I think they dislike or don't care about each other, or any of the extremely negative takes I’ve seen thrown at the 12 characters dynamics.  That’s not it at all.  It’s just that they all felt... very surface level?  Sometimes it felt like the show wanted you to just accept that the characters were close without putting in the work to really show it.  And definitely not to explore it in depth.  (And I know, I know, I know!  It’s a Nick kids show!  But!  They put so much effort into the plot!)

Again, I think this is affected by the lower usage of internal motivation for episodes.  Characters doing things because they want them, then seeing how those different desires interact, gives you a better view of their relationships than just seeing a team work together because they have a common enemy.

Again, it’s not that 2012 never does this.  We see glimpses of them playing around – competing to do flips when running the city, watching their tv shows, playing pinball (was it pinball? Or an arcade game?).  It’s just that the emphasis on the plot (not an objectively bad thing!) leaves less room for episodes based on them just... doing things together, because they want to.  And less room for engaging in personalized interests together, rather than separately, and seeing how that plays out.

I think I’m devolving into senseless rambling at this point, so to sum up:

2012’s emphasis on plot – which it generally excels at! – leaves less room for exploring stories based on internal motivations, which I find necessary for consistent character arcs or relationship development and are the elements Rise kind of lives on when its plot is running thin.

Hopefully none of this is taken as an attack on/dislike for either iteration.  I like them both!  It’s just they both drive me a little bit crazy with what could have been!

Of course, this is all down to personal taste and interpretation.  I am fairly aware of my biases, I think.  I am very much attracted to character-driven narratives, and even in plot-based ones I have a tendency to care more about the character implications than the plot itself.  There’s a reason Days (the oops all character writing game) is my favorite Kingdom Hearts story!

(I do, also, really, really like anime bullshit, so do with that what you will.)

I am also aware that I binge-watched this series as an adult years after it ended, and that combination of factors may affect my reception.  (Admittedly I did that for both series, but).  Your experience might be very, very different, but I’m trying to understand the way these two shows are hitting my brain.

Thinking it over also gives me a hypothesis (which other people have probably already figured out) of why certain people are drawn to one series of the other: 2012 probably appeals more to people who are engaged by continuous, interconnected plots and careful pacing in a story, while Rise probably appeals to people who are more engaged by pure character pieces (and anime bullshit).