#also im having a gender crisis again. fuck it all

[lights-at-night]

thinking about demolition lovers and isttvg and transgenderism

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

so i (14 F? currently going through an unrelated gender crisis) have been regularly horseback riding since i was 9 and have a regular instructor i really like we'll call R (30s or 40s, F). Today, however, R was out sick and so i was with the barn owner, who we'll call L (60s, F).

i was originally really excited about this, as L is a very good rider. however, i quickly realized that she almost exclusively taught beginner riders under the age of 8. as previously stated, i have been riding for 5 years and would consider myself a pretty good rider.

L proceeded to get my name wrong (i have a fairly common white name starting with s, which she was confusing for fucking Sarah, despite the names looking and sounding nothing alike), though in fairness i was too scared to correct her. she completely undermined my experience and knowledge of the subject, and there were a good twenty minutes when i thought we were just gonna be doing 20 meter trot circles the whole time. thank god for the last half of the lesson L would occasionally let me canter a few circles. even the small form reminders that are to be expected were annoying. where R and other previous instructors had said them almost as background noise, L said it like it was a revelation i'd never heard of before.

do you know the shit socrates said about like giving a student the knowledge to reach the conclusion rather than just the conclusion? what he overlooked is that you can absolutely overuse it. it's hard to explain through the medium of an aita post how frustrating it feels to have someone look at you and see you how they did 5 years ago, look at you and not see the sweat and tears and hours of perfecting your form. and i know that my emotional regulation isn't very well developed, and i know i'm 14 and my hormones are out of wack and i know she doesn't mean anything by it and i know it's not her fault but it's just so fucking aggravating.

almost the entire lesson i was very curt and rude with L, despite the fact that im usually a very cheerful person. she definitely noticed, but didn't bring it up. i tend to freeze up at confrontation, so im not sure what i would've done if she did. i was also much harsher than i needed to be on my horse, which isn't fair because she didn't do anything wrong. i kicked her harder than necessary, jerked her reins, leaned to the inside, and was all around not a very good rider. when my mom picked me up (i am, again, 14 and do not have a driver's license) i slammed to door to the car. when i started crying and she asked me what was wrong, i told her multiple times to "shut the fuck up" and "every word that comes put of your mouth makes me want to punch you in the face", which i now feel awful about. i kept bursting into the tears in the shower so it took me an hour and a half to wash myself, putting our water bill through the roof.

tldr: an instructor treated me as though i was a child, i overreacted and was very rude to everyone around me, i feel utterly horrible about it now. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[nerves-nebula]

People also just make their atheists mcs so boring, as someone who had gone through a fucked up crisis of faith during my teen years I can say with certainly it was not a purely logical thing but a combination of a bunch of factors and a lot for weird emotions, like my relationship with grief, luck, and what it means to be a "deviant". Like guys just make your atheists just as weird as your religious folk, atheists aren't some magically more knowledgeable and logical beings, I dont believe a good god can exist yet I still rant to god/universe sometimes, I also believe in free will but I also sometimes worry that fate itself is conspiring against me, I belive in living for yourself but I still loosely follow some teachings I grew up with (mostly the ones about remembering those poorer from you exist and that you shouldn't waste food, and that you shouldnt do harmful things unless its strictlynecessaryto protect yourself)

(Then again I think the reason so many atheist mcs are so boring to me is because almost all of them come from a white atheist former Christian perspective, while I grew up shia muslim and identify as agonists rather than strictly atheist, so my maybe I just got bored from seeing the same perspective over and over)

nah i get that cuz like even tho i guess im technically athiest or agnostic too (used to ID as agnostic but now i dont ID as anything cuz i feel like those imply a history with belief that i just Don't Have lol. i think for a long time it was just "how tf would i know" and that was that) and athiest characters can be so bizarre to me cuz like. i was raised catholic but i literally didnt ever believe in it cuz it didn't make sense to me. but i thought of it as like, a cool cultural thing i guess?? and I didn't really realize people were serious until i was like 11 lmao. and even then i grew outta that smarmy athiest shit when i was like 14 fasdfdsfasdf

but a lotta athiest characters used to believe and then stopped at some point and its like.. is that why they can't be normal about it? do they have any spirituality or wonder or are they full time committed to The Bit? idk. its weird.

i mean part of the reason im trying to world build so much for hanheppi people is that i just don't grok religion. reading from the perspectives of other religious people kind of broadened my horizons but i just dont really get it and idk how to have my questions answered without it sounding like im taking the piss or smth lol. so im just doing more research but like. REALLY slowly.

really slowly because i keep getting caught up in world building things that i do understand better, like hierarchy and city planning and the gender system :p

im supposed to be doing my final on Hanheppi faith and I straight up still do not really get religion. BTW if you're reading this and are religious, or weren't and converted, or you used to be, can u let me know what the fuck is up I am DYING to understand cuz I have, like, a genuine appreciation for the spiritual. I fuck with an adoration of nature and the world around you and big overwhelming emotions, i just can't connect that shit to religion.

honestly there's almost TOO many books about it. It's hard for me to figure out which of these millions of religious books to read because there are so many, with insane biases and history im not aware of, and i have no idea which ones will give me the insight I'll need to Really Lock In.

I understand a lot of surface level ideas about being religious but when people describe it to me what I don't really get is how all of that then transfers into you going "and so that's why i've converted to Buddhism" or something. like what makes it all funnel into the choice of one specific religion rather than another.

ok sorry this ask got away from me. point is: yeagh

[fraudulent-cheese]

Oooh Gen 1 then (for gender and sexuality headcanons)

- 🦴

OohohohohoOHOHOHO OH BOYYY

Ok i'll go in elimination order again!

Ezekiel: Hmmm... I'd say he's cishet but i have seen neat art of transmasc zeke soo idk!

Noah: cis bisexual, but transmasc HC is neat

Justin: cis bisexual ace, but intersex Justin's really good too (edit: nevermind im adopting the intersex HC now)

Katie: intersex fem lesbian

Tyler: cis bisexual with a heavy preference for women (Alejandro was his awakening because funny)

Cody: cis bi who realised it because he was crushing on both Trent and Gwen

Beth: you know what enby Beth's winning me over! pan too

Sadie: cis bisexual

Courtney: cis lesbian who was in denial about it for a longgg long time

Harold: transfem lesbian ace

Eva: cis graybisexual

Trent: non binary aromantic pansexual

Bridgette: cis bisexual (and polyam!)

Lindsay: i like her being aroace but bi is good too. also transfem!

DJ: cis aroace? or at least arospec.

Izzy: genderqueer (she/they/it, presentation fluctuates) aroace, who's not particularly invested in romantic relationship but will roll with it if she likes the person enough

Geoff: transmasc pan (and polyam!)

Leshawna: cis lesbian

Duncan: cis bisexual who's very deep in the closet

Heather: oh boy... she really struggled with her identity growing up so she'd most likely keep it unlabeled entirely since nothing really fit (and she isn't chronically online like sierra or zoey), but personally i see her as being somewhere on the girl spectrum, and a demiromantic asexual lesbian.

Gwen: Honestly the trans HCs all rule and so do the aromantic headcanons, but my personal ones are enby + bisexual ace

Owen: cis bisexual, like he's so bisexual it's crazyyy

Sierra: cis, and i tend to ping pong between aroace and just lesbian ace? or aro lesbian. POINT IS, on the ace and/or aro spectrums and she likes girls

Alejandro: OH BOY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO Like Gwen i like all the trans HCs, there's no way this guy is cis and if he seems like it in any of the content i make it's because he hasn't had the gender crisis yet, or he's transmasc. Generally i default to enby though, like the kind that really doesn't give a fuck about their gender. As for orientation, like Heather he wouldn't care much to label it but i tend to think of him as demiromantic ace who likes guys.

And you know what? i'll include a couple RR characters too!

Emma: cis lesbian

Kitty: cis aroace (i WILL not budge on this one)

Brody: cis bisexual (and polyam!)

[ethanhuntfemmefatale]

fuck it. ethan hair ranking

it's saturday im bored i don't want to practice mozart anymore. let's go

I'm gonna rank bottom to top this time and include visual aids. none of my choices are going to be much of a surprise to anyone who knows my particular tastes I think.

7. Dead Reckoning Part 1

Ethan is just gorgeous in this movie but his hair doesn’t do it for me. It’s short enough that it can’t have the same personality as it does at Fallout or MI1 length. It looks good on him! But it’s kinda flat. It's just fine. Also it doesn’t strike me as being a character choice so much as a “McQ likes TC’s hair better short” choice

6. Fallout

I would like to formally apologize to arc @callmearcturus i am sorry for slandering your boy like this. I love him too. fallout ethan is objectively the finest look that ethan has ever had I love him even above my dearly beloved MI1 ethan. He's deeply beautiful and i love him so much my heart hurts. but for me it's not the hair it's the Vibes. the vibes are here but the hair is just. it's a haircut. It's just normal to me, it’s floofy which I appreciate but. still. It’s a nice looking cut. Good for cosplaying a man. Utilitarian. It works well on Ethan but it doesn't capture my fascination.

5. MI3

it might also be time for me to formally apologize to mar @malewifebillcage for slandering her boy.......mi3 ethan's hair is also just a cut to me. and objectively i think the fallout cut even looks better on him. but I love MI3 hair dearly and deeply for character reasons because it’s such an aggressively rom com cut it really feels like Ethan googled “house husband” for reference pics. so i like it better cause it amuses me

4. MI1

I'd like to formally apologize to myself for slandering my own boy. (Also Luther in the back hi Luther I love you.) Ethan's hair in this movie is also excellent characterization and provides a perfect baseline for all my Ethan Hunt hair meta thoughts. And it’s so expressive! I love how spiky it is! That being said while it has a lot of personality it is simply not as aesthetically gorgeous to me as some of the cuts I ranked higher. MI1 Ethan I’m sorry

3. Rogue Nation

rogue nation Ethan literally takes my breath away at times with how beautiful he is. I am obsessed with the subtle length and swoop and the way it falls over his forehead. It’s the kind of hair that says “I had my gender crisis years ago and decided my gender was Gorgeous”. And yet it isn’t Character Driven enough for me to have it at the top

2. MI2

mi2 hair i think about you all the time.

both rich in Character Implication and mind-blowingly pretty. This is his hot girl summer hair his cherry bomb by the runaways hair it’s his ‘blew up my dad who wants me’ hair. It’s so far from the MI1 ingenue that it leaves manwhore in the dust and wraps back around to ingenue again. This is the hair of a man (????) who is trying so very hard to be absolutely anything other than what he is that he becomes exactly what he doesn’t like being. Every single image of him with this hair is like a masterclass in gender and rebellion and trauma and self discovery. and I Want To Run My Hands Through It.

But! there is something about the MI2 hair that feels. Styled and calculated and superficial. Hair for an Effect. Which is part of what I love about it! It’s also why this hair isn’t my absolute favorite. That title goes to:

Ghost Protocol

Ghost Protocol hair my absolute fucking beloved. What tips this hair over the edge for me is the way it looks when he’s tired and disheveled, in the prison breakout scene, in the car after the Kremlin, etc. This hair feels so natural for him, it’s a bit wild and floppy and makes him look kinda like a Creature instead of a man (I mean this in the most flattering way possible). He’s not trying to claim gender the way he is in MI2 or MI3, he’s…doing his own thing. It’s somehow both a utilitarianism and an indulgence. He’s not trying to fit in anywhere, he’s not trying to be anything, he’s in his base state and it’s fucking gorgeous. I guess for me this is the thing—MI4 is the movie where Ethan doesn’t have to function as a member of society, and has been free of functioning as a member of society for a while now. And this is the result. I could stare at him forever<3

[verdemoun]

can i have more timewarp Javier info? just because im insane about him

Timewarp Javier deserves the world I will never forgive dutch van der linde.

Javier was the only timewarper who immediately burst into tears and started hugging everyone upon seeing the gang. Admittedly, if not for the fact they’d just watched him magically appear in the middle of a market, they might have doubted it was Javier because of how out of character it was and also pictures didn’t do justice to how much Javier had changed.

Not in a fatphobic way but in a what happened to the light in his eyes. How is his hair shorter than they’d ever seen it and yet so dry and ratty with split ends when it had once been something he took pride in. Why has every single year been carved into his face. Compared to Bill, John and even Dutch, Javier just seems old and tired to the 1899 gang.

Being around the gang in a weird way bought back the post-1899 depression and self-doubt back. Javier really took Dutch's 'change' the hardest. He stayed loyal to Dutch only for Dutch to still leave him behind escaping Beaver Hollow. He had been living for survival since then, not for anything he believed in. Had he ever believed in anything? Or had he echoed Dutch's ideals from the moment they met?

Once again, Papa Hosea to the rescue. He knows what it's like to feel like a fool for believing in Dutch - and even if he knew everything he does now, he thinks he would have kept following Dutch with the same blind devotion. Javier was no more a fool than any of them. Every day he wakes up beside his wife he's reminded what a fool he is: he went back to Dutch when Bessie was still alive. He gave up years he could have spent waking up beside her in favor of following Dutch.

Javier also struggled a lot with the sheer concept of timewarp because he's catholic. All the catholic boys (Kieran, Sean and Javier) went through the necessary crisis of 'does this mean God isn't real' because modern era isn't torture enough to be hell but if the closest thing to heaven is a 16" new york pizza then they want their money back.

One of his first regular outings leaving the house was he started going to church again. Kieran and Javier, two gays in the back row having a crisis of faith not for being gay but 'how the fuck did I end up alive 100 years into the future instead of Hell'.

Javier loves instagram. It's like giving a bird a mirror. He will doom-scroll for hours just looking at pretty things and understands the modern era concept of aesthetic long before even the 1899 gang have figured it out. Bessie loves that they've picked up an interior decorator. She has come home to Javier moving furniture around and it just works so much better.

Javier sees Kieran in a skirt once, gets the run down on how the concept of gender and sexuality, and immediately is running to the store because he NEEDS IT. He loves make-up (admittedly just because he is a bit vain and loves hiding his blemishes to Kieran's disgust) and is the crowned prince of hair products. Everyone's getting $80 bottles of shampoo and conditioner for their specific hair type for Christmas.

Because Javier was so depressed after he timewarped Hosea held off bullying him to get a job because he needed time to work through his grief and feelings towards the gang and get back to something he could consider himself again. Most of the gang actually enjoy having jobs and a reason to get out of bed and function but by the time Javier seemed in a good enough place to consider it, Javier was fully committed to the unemployed loser lifestyle and loved it. Bessie is fine with this but swears no more of them living off her paycheck she can only support so many and still have grandbaby spoiling money.

Javier in fact invented the 'can I rizz you up' 'sure' 'PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE' because man knows how to carry himself confidently and act suave but is actually a dork and a loser. This level of manfailure even effects his ability to flirt with Kieran Duffy, an oversized sweater wearing horsegirl who still has hay stuck in his hair. (Kieran in contrast is a clumsy disaster who is fully capable of having someone wrapped around his fingers with an artful pick up line).

Teaching Javier to drive was basically a crash course in Spanish. He doesn't hate driving but he has the worst road rage and will always say insults in Spanish instead. This has backfired many times with how much more common Americans speaking Spanish is in modern era.

Fishing is much more obviously a core part of Javier's personality. He has all the shit fishing caps. Javier and Kieran have fucked in the Bass Pro Shops pyramid. He does have a guitar but sometimes at gang catch ups he will be too busy talking about fishing to remember to play it.

The gang still love listening to Javier play. Javier hadn't played guitar since 1899 and playing again takes them all back to the good days before Blackwater.

Javier, alongside John, are the only ones who won't forgive Dutch. Javier lost too much of himself in his loyalty to Dutch and he won't forgive him for never coming back for him after Beaver Hollow. He won't risk losing the slither of happiness he's found to Dutch's whims again.

[youngpettyqueen]

on the topic of Star Trek books im reading- I read Doctor's Orders! review under the cut

I think every TOS fan needs to read this book and I am so so serious. please please pleeeeeeeeease read Doctor's Orders it LITERALLY has it all. this book is everything Star Trek all in one easy to read, hilarious, and compelling little book and I thoroughly enjoyed every single page of it

this book made me yearn for more Bones-centric stories. the majority of the books is Bones-centric and his POV, and Diane Duane truly nails writing him. cannot praise her writing enough, she truly brings him to life on the page and every single line of dialogue and narration from him I could easily read in his voice. putting him in the captain's chair made for such a compelling and interesting dive into his character, and I especially loved how he compared being in command of the ship vs being in command of sickbay. his anxiety was also so real and relatable, and I love how the crew of the Enterprise were all behind him and super supportive of him. I knew Bones would be a good leader in a crisis, and I loved seeing that reflected here

the Spock and Bones relationship really takes centre stage in this book and I love it. again, Duane just really understands these characters and it shows. the affection and respect between them is so plainly obvious throughout, and their banter is treated as what it is: their way of showing friendship. I see so many people mischaracterize Bones as "space racist" because of his dynamic with Spock so its very vindicating to read a book that reminds you that they are, in fact, best friends who love each other

the planet itself and its habitants were so fucking cool. I love how much Duane pushed these species that are truly alien, and how she showcased how complex and difficult first contact would be with such species. The Ornae, the Lahit, and the ;At were SO fucking cool to read about. I love when Trek novels go ham on alien designs- they can push things so much further, being free of the constraints of visual effects, and Duane really takes advantage of that in this novel to make those three species as alien and as wild as possible. I would LOOOOVE to read more about each species and their planet, it was just so fucking neat. I was especially big on the linguistics element and how that tied into the Ornae and the ;At and their different ideas of existence and planes, pronouns and genders, physical and non-physical, etc. the science in all of it is so much fun to read about, I was hanging on every word and having an amazing time. I seriously need more Trek books that go this hard into alien cultures and first contacts and species so vastly and wildly different from us that we can barely comprehend them

I enjoyed the Klingon and Orion appearances. I loved seeing a female Klingon in charge, being sick as hell. I loved the Klingon commander and his banter with Bones, and how the two of them came to a mutual respect by the end of the book. the Orion ship being made of scrap from many different cultures was very cool, and the entire sequence of the Enterprise and the Klingon ships working together had me burning through the last chapters because I couldnt get enough

Kirk's little subplot with the ;At was very fun, mainly because I was laughing my ass off as he got a pleasant little time with the ;At while everything was going to shit on the Enterprise. im glad Duane included his interactions and conversations with the ;At and showed us that slow, enjoyable contact between them. it made for lovely breathing room and was a fun character exploration of Kirk when he gets to just slow down for a bit and sit in the grass, while also showing some fun diplomacy and the idle conversations and bonding that goes into first contact and trying to reach agreements

seriously, there was no part of this novel I didnt enjoy. such a fun read, I knew I was going to love it because Diane Duane wrote it and I know shes an amazing Star Trek novelist, but this was my first novel of hers I read and im so happy it was!! I highly highly recommend this to anybody looking for a fun TOS story, and especially to any Bones fan who wants more of him. you will not be disappointed with this book

[lesboygamzee]

beta troll headcanons but i have headcanons on how alternian gender works ( its not that complex dw )

aradia - fully agender . seperate from everything . didnt really care until it godtiered and then was like ohhh i dont have to do anything anymore im free now ok ^_^ and was pretty chill with it forever tavros - Fairy Girl and transfem . i imagine that Fairy Genders are like completely caste nonconforming I HAVE LORE I HAVE LORE LISTEN TO ME NOW BOY anyway . has known for like .. Awhile but shes in proximity to vriska and vriska is like your average reddit transfem and tavros is like ok maybe i should just repress this and pretend its not something i think and dream about extensively . and it works for awhile and then she lives as a girl on her own on earth c but it still takes forever for her to actually Come Out but it happens .. eventually ... ok im getting sad my girl has problems SHES ALSO BUTCH sollux - gold bigender what the fuck else . very repressed transfem who fits all the gamer trasnfem stereotypes hes kind of real . again Very Repressed and like halfway an egg halfway Aware ( haha duality ) . starts being herself after prolongued proximity to godtier aradia she stole its fucking girl ness #thetransagenda . doesnt really like the association he has with her caste but accepts it as part of his identity nontheless karkat - agender cis guy no assigned caste but identifies with his assigned gender on the technical level . he has a weird relationship with it but like its chill overall nepeta - olive trans guy . nondysphoric and is fine being a girl but one day he was like hey somethings off and he ripped his tits clean off and started living as a he and went about his life as normal <- joke but probably not far off . i dont think he was unhappy as a girl hes just chill with whatever feels right in the moment i think and right now its Boy kanaya - jade trans girl but in a gnc way because female jadebloods are meant to be very cold i think people forget that but kanaya genuinely cares about motherhood and wants to nurture the matriorb because she cares about the next generation of her race and like thats a significant part of her character guys you know that right . i think her both being badass AND having a desire for motherhood is good writing actually guys .g . anyway . has known since she was very young and would be relatively normal about it if it wasnt for her Proximity To Vriska ( see Reddit Transfem ) terezi - teal trans guy whos also nonbinary whos also a dyke . ill be honest i dont have anything super in depth for this one sorry terezi fans vriska - cerulean trans girl . i think nows the time to clarify what i mean by reddit transfem umm . she will not shut the fuck up about how horrible and mannish she looks and acts forever and like its not her fault she feels like this but shes saying this in direct proximity of other transfems namely kanaya and tavros . i also think shes a transmed . umm has known from a young age but only becomes fully comfortable in her identity like .. a loooong time from canon equius - indigo transfem . i dont have a lot of thoughts on this but i think shes very repressed for a long time but Nepeta Proximity helps her a little . doesnt really transition shes just A Girl Now gamzee - Dyke . incredibly strange relationship with everything but like .. i think hes identifying as a trans guy at 13 if only because he thinks its the easiest to explain i dont think hed care . Until It Does . has a crisis about it for exactly a week before getting normal . hard to explain more for multiple reasons rips arm off eridan - violet cis guy but like theres gender fuckery going on . thought he was transfem for awhile and went on e and was like this is awesome but i think im a guy still . does drag as a fuschia woman feferi - fuschia multigender . another one that is hard to explain sigh but i think hes an egg at 13 but he doesnt have a whole thing about it hes like oh im more than just Girl cool ^_^

[thepowerisyouth]

MONEY / FINANCE STRESS CONTENT WARNING, this next line is unfortunately quite stressful about money so this was an important warning for me to add:

This is also less for the random strangers on the internet who have no reason to trust my advice but more for the 10-15 people I know personally who trust my money advice based on prior experience and Ive sent them my blog link in the last month or two

US stock market is about to tank. On a global perspective its stupidly overpriced because markets like China are hitting 5 year lows (as in we've increased our stock market over 2x since "COVID lows", but their market is even lower than it was then.

Timing is hard but it is entirely possible yesterday was the peak of the market. Might also not tank for 6 months.

Market psychology is fucking weird tho so please absolutely dont 'short' anything, which is basically the same as 'buying puts'. Michael Burry nearly bankrupted all his friends, family, and random investors by insisting on 'shorting' things based on knowledge of impending crisis.

Just sell everything. I mean literally everything. Bond etfs might go up but youd have to have eyes glued to the charts to sell in time. Gold wont do, neither will bitcoin. Their negative correlation to stocks isnt really a thing anymore.

Get every etf, stock, whatever into cash in the brokerage account, then move it out of the banks/brokerage firms and into something physically in front of you because we are, in fact, in another 'historical period of bank runs' its just not quite at the peak yet.

Not trying to increase anxiety beyond nessecary-- its just that any, single bank can immediately freeze your money-- leaving it up to the Federal Government to pay you back-- and it might possibly be the case that youd have to rely on whats called a "bank bail in" to see your savings again.

Not a fun situation to be in, even if it wont happen to most people its just safe practice to do this during a "historical period of bank runs"

----------------

This blog is basically my diary of my thoughts (suprise suprise). But Im an open book, privileged (but poor) little white boy with complex societal/generational abuse and very little home problems so lets fucking go theres a whole mormon cargo van to unpack

Definitely recommend tags Im terrible at them.

---

To those reading this, if you have ever met me in real-life or on the internet than you have taught me varying degrees of information which can be randomly retrieved by my brain at any time depending on current CPU performance. Thoughts of my loving husband have occupied my headspace probably 95% of my time since 14 so he has absolutely taught me at least 100x more than anyone else in the world.

When I say "I", oftentimes Im thinking about "me and my husband", or even sometimes "me and my friends/family", or even sometimes "me and society"--- but I am not always 100% aware of the current headspace environment and/or beliefs of the minds of those around me without feedback

---

There are currently over 8 billion individual varieties of the global human language spoken within the mind. Lets start translating them all. Misunderstood words become mean labels.

I fucking hate mean labels

"Math wiz" = racism and/or classism and/or gender shit. Fuck that shit

When a person is niched off into one part of an 8 billion population human society, it becomes impossible to not "live in a bubble". Bubbles change in size constantly even if not visibly observed. Bubbles can be different sizes depending on your current day-to-day thoughts of your own society. Bubbles must pop. Enlightenment implies life only gets better the more times ya pop and lock it

My path away from purely mathematics, logic, and scientific theory began when I met my husband, and for the first time in my life it became important to me not to be an asshole to everyone around me

Ive been told (only after I started dating my traumatized husband tho and helped him heal a lot) that I'm a natural communicator-- and all my life I found myself listening and learning to everything and everyone around me trying to understand both their and my own motivations-- then I like to garble them up and spit 'em out. My memory recall ability is wonky tho and fluctuates highly with nutrient intake-- I'll get into that later

I wish I could have a million years to read every blog on tumblr. I really do. Connecting & communating is extremely important for understanding one another but it takes time

I had an extremely unique childhood (who hasnt lol), enough so to isolate myself quite a lot through sheer dumb luck. My mom is also everyone's favorite school teacher so of course I was learning a lot from a young age. Luckily I glued myself to the first person who wanted to glue themselves to me equally & we grew exponentially closer to eternity

If its still not clear: my husband and I are bored and love chatting with people, but like most internet loving freaks my mouth don't work sometimes well but my fingies do. My ears got fluff a lot but I got eyes for LEDs like a hawk. Wish they werent LED tho

I also have a naturally short sleep cycle (i.e. extra time for this), and I really wont be offended or weirded out by someone reading through and liking 20+ or whatever of my posts at once randomly. Stories are supposed to be read in chunks, and I think of this blog as a story & also workspace for my thoughts that Id love to see which chapters everyone has read through. Also I love (and only respond positively to) positive feedback, yet also suggestions for ways to improve my "theorums". As in, good faith discussions are totally welcome on any post.

For my 50 year old parents reading my blog so lovingly in their limited evening time-- you can sort by tags to see what topics your familiar with, if you play around with the search function while on my page. Mom. Show dad how to do it

In the very, very bottom of my blog I dont even think I managed to tag shit properly-- but its the roughdraft workings of the philosophy, as well as my own logical framework for answering lifes questions. Its 2 months ago so I might not even be writing according to my own works down there anymore idk I change fast sometimes

Last thing for now here is that I was always criticized by teachers for not showing my work, and for not reviewing my tests before turning in, and I pushed back hard because nearly every time I went over and corrected a mistake-- I saw I most often got it right the first fucking time on a pure hunch. I act on impulse when I'm not meditating mostly for efficiency purposes because I believe I'm correct, but remain open to emotionally positive feedback so I can help remove all doubt.

-------

This might turn into my 'life story' post, as its already going there. Heres what I have so far in the way of my knowledge of my family before I was brought into existence, and my "earliest memories":

Family context:

I dont know jack shit. Nobody talks about it at all.

Here's my own observations Ive made using the framework and perceptive filters I was given--

My whole family is white Texans.

Ancestory is slaveowners of course, further back is a very likely direct parent-child descendent line from the most famous inbred british royalty of the 13th century i.e. King John, whose brother was the arab genociding Richard.

I would call my immediate family as upper poverty class. Its more like poverty with extra privileges cause mental health stigma was the only thing holding them back not other shit too.

As children we had a lot of very privileged opportunities because my parents made a lot of sacrifices to try and bring us back up the class ladder. Lets look into that generational trauma issue

My dads parents (born in the early 40s, dont know the year exactly. I think '43 or '44) were more upper middle class, pretty high income. Owned an insurance business that was very successful by the early 2000s at least. My grandpa is described to me as a "monster" and "violently abusive". I have a single memory of him screaming at me as a young child and I was cowering under a desk, so I really believe it. No other stories at all to provide context.

-- I gotta split this section off I realized I wrote the next thing about post-me context Ill need to move this part lower down later--

My grandpa got early onset dementia, my dad didnt notice in time, and my grandpa bankrupted his successful company and lost several million of dollars to "scammers and sexy ladies."

My dad found out around 2015-16 or so. He told me a little bit after telling me my grandparents were getting divorced. My dad managed to scrape together about $200,000 which is being sued for by the IRS actively.

(He split that money in two, and entrusted me tell him how to invest half in safe value stocks that I handpicked as well as a calculated risk allocation to bonds which we sold for 30% profit the second the market crashed. He gave the other half to a brokerage advisor. I never met the advisor but saw the results. Dont get me started on how the other dude did with that money-- we started this endeavor in January 2020.)

Personally I also dont believe that its possible to spend an entire fortune on scammers and strippers, so Id love to see his books and figure out what the hell went wrong with that asshole. I have a hunch I know something more than anyone else ("Enron", guys, we're talking about an insurance company in HOUSTON, in the 2000s) but I will never be sure without the books.

----

Back to other family--

I do not know a single thing about my grandma on my dads side. She raised me quite a lot, but yeah I literally have only heard her life described to me as "she was a housewife"

On my moms side, my Mimi (also born 1940s but slightly younger so I think 1946 or 1947) came from a divorced, upper middle class family. In 1964-65, She and her step mom both got knocked up the same year so she watched her divorced dad remarry to said step mom when she was 18-19 and getting a shotgun marriage herself, so you can imagine what that was like. The "biological" of the two moms was a very good mom and very queer from what I hear. She died when I was a baby, from lung cancer. Thats all I know. My mimi raised me quite a lot, nearly equally as much as my mom did

My mom's dad, my Papa, came from a rural farming family in East Texas. Dont know much else of anything, but he and his siblings were named "Billy, Bobby, and Betty". As in, they are what everyone likes to call "hicks"

--

Moving onto my direct parents now. I know a little more about them of course, but since we're getting closer in age to the present-- I think itll be easier to describe my understanding as common stereotypes. If its unclear what I mean definitely feel free to ask, but I'll probably say "I dont really know"

Not much else is relevant other than knowing that my moms family was the mormon one, but that as soon as my dad was love-bombed by the church he joined to. Mormons were also different in the 90s I'm told.

My dad struggled with being one of the "crazy schizos" of the 90s. As in, very traumatized, upset, and gaslit by the government and his parents. Must have done a damn good job dealing with it by the time he was in his late 20s and I popped out cause he was never a "bad dad" to me at all. Definitely yelled and was more angry at times, but less than any other friends parents Ive ever met, and from what I remember he came into my room at night and apologized to me literally every single time within like 5-10 minutes. I know pretty much nothing about him pre-me. He was a tradesman my whole life and specialized in remodeling kitchens & bathrooms (the 'dirty work of construction'). All his initial clientele were the rich people my grandma lived near and was friends with.

My mom would have been extremely queer-presenting and posting on tumblr if born in the year 2000, but was born in early 70s, and was a raegan teen in high-school in Texas during the satanic panic-- she presents completely cis, straight, but has body dysmorphia issues. Thats about you need to know about those issues I'm sure my tumblr folks can assume the rest and be perfectly correct. Cause thats about all I know too and I'm assuming the rest about my own mother

--- Earliest memories

I think a lot of people face doubt about their own earliest memories, maybe hearing the way I connect the images of these events in my head to my emotions I felt will help others do the same.

----

Two disclosers about me & my current healthcare discoveries before moving on

1) My only "major" childhood trauma is loneliness. I have a partner now (started dating early high school, nearing 10 years together now) who was just as lonely and we are glued to each others side constantly, and have made our life work great that way. So don't feel too bad reading this, I'm only able to write it down because Ive healed that trauma and can dig this stuff up with no issues to validate the emotions I felt even as a child

1) I believe I have a genetic trait that is only just getting discovered. There are something like 6 discovered mutations that hold this similar trait so far, and its just basically chronic insomia.

It being a genetic trait tracks with how my mom describes me as never settling into a normal sleep pattern at 6 months old, having absurd amounts of nightmares and death anxiety keeping me up at night as a child, and I still dont sleep at any given time. I average 2 hours less sleep than my husband, who averages 7-8 now that he isnt actively being abused at home.

Going to get sequenced but even if negative I'd probably just be a 7th mutation, as they only found the other 6 genes via case study.

The scientists whove discovered it call it "Familial Natural Short Sleeper", if you desire to look it up. They describe the trait like its the best possible thing in the world. Well... terminally chronic insomia is not the best thing in THIS world thats for sure.

---------

My "earliest memories"

These arent ranked by time accurately of course. Took enough effort digging through my brain to turn them up, not like Ive got a 2003 calendar stuffed in here as well.

I did do my best to sort by first memory but it also might be sorted by the order at which I recovered the memories as being one of my "earliest" when I was a child and asked such things

1. Pure emptiness. I can only describe it as dissociation. I can remember nothing about the environment around me, except feeling suddenly sucked out of it, seeing only darkness, feeling almost a ringing in my ears and the deepest dread possible. This same feeling followed me in life for a little while, but started to take more visual shape when I was an adolescent, until at some point I would see myself sitting in a chair alone in a room that is infinitely sized but that slowly gets darker the further out you go. I cant remember what exact "real-world" event caused this feeling to ever happen each time it did. I just can remember having it happen occasionally when I was awake and doing things. Definitely dissociation. (If you are willing to believe me further I think its just probably "lights out" and being scared of that)

1. Riding a mattress down the stairs. I kind of remember two images, one is the tunnel vision of going high speed down the stairs and the other would be from looking back up at the stairs when I was done going down. Totally fun, probably my first rollar coaster ride. I might remember my siblings laughing too but it wouldnt be because I can remember the actual laughing-- but I can remember feeling the joy of being in a group of people laughing. At the time, my parents were selling the house so thats why I also remember it being a completely empty carpeted room that we were riding down into

2. My brother smashing his head repeatedly into the refrigerator for 'fun' and someone saying "wow he has a hard head" or something along those lines. I was learning english I cant remember exactly what they said but that was definitely the meaning I took from their words. I think this memory is strong, because I was truly very curious as to why my brother was just running at full speed, head down, and headbutting a hard surface. The words someone said after that must have been one of my first 'answers'

3. Watching my siblings play in rare Houston snow. Not much remembering there actually. Probably just thought it was mezmorizing to watch as I just really remember a picture and feeling peace

4. Will add more later.

[canidbutch]

read the tags on your personal crisis post and from what it’s sounds like you might actually just be a lesbian. not trying to armchair diagnose but ive seen multiple times when women & enby friends of mine used to id as bisexual had similar attitudes like you do when it comes to men (liking them superficially/getting anxious/not wanting to follow through with dates or hookups/not wanting to get super attached etc). it might just be an attraction to masculinity not necessarily men could also be a gender thing

yeah it's tough because i Do have like. ONE guy i enjoy sex with? or Have enjoyed sex with. and in general i have been in situations that were fine and enjoyable they just went nowhere and so that makes me go okay so it's not Always that i am repulsed and unhappy, it's just the WAY i tend to engage with men is more often than not just unhealthy. i do think sometimes i go into it in a comphetty way (despite approaching it as a 'guy' even though i don't think anyone sees me as one when i Want to be one, yet they see me as one when all i want is to be recognized as a butch???? insane) and sometimes in a retraumatization way, but i think it's like. that doesn't necessarily mean i'm not attracted to men in general right?

and yet on the flip!!!! yeah, i mean, being generally disdainful of my experiences isn't a sign of "yeah you could be happy with a man in general." i think there's a good chance you're right and i have been struggling with it for a long time because like. okay what about that one guy i AM fine with sleeping with. doesn't that kind of mean yeah there's at least a small percentage that does still enjoy men?

other issue is that approaching women intimidates me because i feel like they're all gonna be out of my league and i feel like my sexual preferences aren't up to par and i won't make a woman happy. it's "easier" to fuck men because they have lower standardsnfbdkjf and i KNOW how that sounds that sounds exactly like what someone suffering from comphet would say and maybe that is the case.

i don't really know anymore. sometimes i just want to strip away all labels and use queer but i am also not a big fan of that. i might taper off my testosterone. i lowkey regret ever medically transitioning in the first place because i was at my happiest and hottest when i still had a rack and was just plain butch. i feel like i have ruined my chances of ever being identified as butch again and that makes me extremely distressed. so just. idk. maybe you're right. I don't mind this ask because i am in constant need of talking this shit out and laying it all on the table that's the best way for me to like figure things out and help my OCD ass put things into the right boxes so i'm sorry for rambling or seeming argumentative or whatever, i have had this thought in my head for a while i just. something is stopping me from embracing it?

i guess it's like. even if i chose not to fuck that guy again, i do still know i enjoyed it when i did? and that to me is the big thing like sometimes it IS fine and fun. i just have bad habits and outlook more often.

RAAAAARGH.

sorry for the long reply i just don't know what's going on with myself literally ever and i think it started when i medically transitioned lmao i am too nonbinary to be happy with EITHER option and i have too much flat out dysmorphia to feel like anything i do Works and i just

i get really sad when i think "dykes don't see me" so yeah that's a Sign or whatever. and yeah I get unhappy when i think about how men don't like me either like in the daylight and when i'm just existing, not when they'll fuck a bar of soap just to get off so i'll suffice, but it's true like how much of that is just society and my upbringing.

i guess i also don't wanna be a shitty detransitioner or whatever cuz im still not a WOMAN im just. an amorphous blob. but what does all these regrets say about me! i have Imposter Syndrome. in what direction? yes

I need to stop talking duxjdhskdj

[stinkylittleanon]

Soooo about transfem Satan-

Can ya tell me more? 👀

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU >:]

Transfem Satan headcanons!

She'd be more in the nonbinary zone, but prefers she/her over other pronouns

Maybe genderfluid? Maybe something else? She's having a crisis over here!!

Does prefer she/her though! She sees herself as a woman (but also not? But also woman? A woman out of the woman zone?? Please! Give this girl a break!!! A sexuality crisis is enough /j)

Unlike our bbg Leviathan, she doesn't grow her hair out! Or at least not as much, maybe a little more so that the ends with frame her face

THE CUTE!!! CAT!! HAIRCLIP!! She has a specific one she likes (might be from MC) but she also has a few. She doesn't go overboard like Leviathan and keeps it to one.

Her normal outfit ALREADY screams transfem LIKE THE SWEATER??? She doesn't need to change at ALL

Call her Sadie or Tanny, she'll be blushing for days just thinking about it

She already had cat bookmarks, but gives up hiding the really cute ones because at this point the gender crisis is more exhausting than her siblings teasing her for a bookmark /hj

Unlike Leviathan as well, she prefers pants. She's more comfortable with her legs covered, but also might wear a skirt over leggings with a sweater <3

IM NOT BEING STEREOTYPICAL BTW, THESE CHARACTERS IM WRITING TRANSFEM HEADCANONS OF BOTH CANONLY ENJOY CUTE THINGS and I'm just adding to that!

More likely to go on HRT, and just imagine complimenting her on her transition <333 like DAMN Mc has that trans rizz /j

AGAIN!! SUPPORTIVE!! SIBLINGS!! I would write more about that but my soda is SO fucking good rn so I'll end it here

NEVERMIND Leviathan and Satan probably use neos to express how they experience their gender <33333 more on that? :think: Maybe.

[caralara]

"and also I have a lot of complicated and sad feelings about harry I need to process!" Can you expand on this? (If it's not personal of course)

oooooof anon I don’t even know where to start

Maybe with the fact I’m severely sleep deprived after the week of wembley? And that I will probably change my mind tomorrow after a good nights sleep again? Or that I’m super sad and a little embarrassed about having these feelings and thoughts in the first place?

At almost every harry show I’ve had an existential crisis at some point during the concert, of “what am I doing here? Why am I like this? Why do I spend so much money and time and energy and attention on this? Why don’t I have more of a ‘real life’? Why am I such a loser? Why do I feel like I missed my chances and became a little-below-average-adult instead of the special unique star my mum always said I would be? Why do I know all these thoughts are there bc I’m depressed and a little too self aware and hanging on by a thread, it feels like, desperately trying to find the next thing to look forward to in order to not notice how little I feel overall anymore and how little I care at all about keeping on living?” (Wow that got depressing sorry)

But this does kind of take me out of the experience for a second. And then when I see harry. i see him and his face up close. And I’ve always prided myself on the fact I’m extremely good at reading people, (let’s forget for a second I could always be wrong obv for the sake of this explanation), and what I see when I look at harry is a completely crafted stage persona (fair enough) but like - it didn’t always feel like this last year? Idk, maybe it’s the combination of this being a stadium tour, all the drama that has happened since last tour, then the having to camp for days to be able to see him close-ish, being surrounded by the absolute nastiest bullies with TPWK tattoos you can imagine (literally half of them are bullies I’m not joking), the entire feather boa cowboy hats “fuck me fuck me fuck me” thing solo harries have going on, harry doing gender reveals with such glee (???? Like shouldn’t we like stop doing that? I get you love babies harry but, shouldn’t especially harry know gender conformity reinforcement isn’t like, it?), reacting to all these yuck and nasty signs, re-encouraging the environment-catastrophes that are feather boas and single use cowboy hats ?? So I see him several times performing and he’s got all these amazing songs that mean so so so much to me and I see him going through the motions (fair enough) and not really feel most of the songs, and all of that just makes it look so - inauthentic? Idk. It’s stupid but it makes me feel like he’s a sellout, and that’s just not fair for me to say or think, and I know that, but I can’t help it. And then today he hangs with Shelli Azoff who’s been to court bc she’s abusing her sevice staff??? And it does make me wonder am I just deluding myself? How much is true and how much isn’t of what we make him out to be? Genuinely, him bathing in and demanding for more of the literal worship of his actual person gave me the Ick so bad yesterday. And then again he sings sweet creature and kisses his cross necklace right after. And then again It’s probably (as it always has) much more to do with my ego than anything else, and being upset he didn’t even acknowledge me for a second while literally standing in front of him with my big ass birthday sign. So just me being a sad little kid who’s feelings got hurt bc I didn’t get the attention for my birthday from the boy I like the way I had way too high expectations of.

All these thoughts are jumbled, and I’m crying and I’m tired but you asked so you shall receive.

Im just tired of having to mentally defend harry when he’s clearly wanting it exactly the way it is - saying he’s never been happier over and over on stage. So. Do with that what you will.

[the-official-account]

You cruise, you lose - a liveblog

OHHHH IRIS STARTED WAAAAY BACK

OH MY GOD THERE ARE MULTIPLE EPISODES OF THESE GUYS.

NEW BLORBOS???? I HAVENT EVEN STARTED YET BUT IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS

A DISGRACED FORMER POKITICIAN WITH DEEP REGREEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEH

WHERE IS THIS DRAWING OF HIM????? I NEED IT? OH MY GOD

what IS Kevin cats—HOUDINI?????

"he/him but he doesn't give a shit" is one of my favorite pronoun sets tbh

CAEDWYNS VOICE

The fucking jetskis. The fucking immediate joker. IRIS IS BAZED ON A FUCKING POODLE MOTH THOSE SRE SOME OF THE BEST TYPES OF MOTHS? we love people with an awkward past also.

AND HE JUST POKES THE TAR WITH HIS SWORD

What DOES asce look like...

ASCE IS FUCKING TWEEEEELVE????????

Oh shit I love him. I love him with my whole heart. What a fucking mess. I dont know what happening rn I just know it's fucking hilarious.

Okay but amorphous mound of tar is so gender.

Running ACROSS the tar?? 👀👀

"do you wanna do anything else on the ship?" "Just mourn. Regret." KKFFDSGJLJJFSSJKFDJ

ASCE HAS 3 AGILITY AND 4 PINACHE??? Holy fuck.

"caedwyn just sort of watches him go" the mental image is KILLING me

"and one last question, if there is a taragon, do they smell particularly fresh and herbal?"

"which wolf is funnier?" Is a question it is sooooo dangerous and yet I'm tempted to live by it.

ILA said "fire 😏 arms?" Jddkhdyk

"they're fine but the deck IS on fire" HDKDVSKDVDJ GOD.

Iris on a fucking rollercoaster rn CKSGSKSGSK YALL NEED TO STOP MAKING THE JOKES I MAKE

This eye thing is very cool.

"emerging from the bridge is a very tall man who also happens to be a skeleton with two legs"

"okay I am startled by this" HELP but also IGNACIO?????

I regret nothing about the order in which I've listened to this podcast I accidentally found the best way to do it

I ONLY JUST REALIZE WHY THE AORLD IS CALLED BICYCLE.

Instead of "we hid all the children" I heard "we hit all the children" and I got a good 3 second I was like damn???? Was that necessary????

"I would also accept presence persuasion" "OOOH uhh...no one respects me" GOD

I love that caedwyn is the party's "let's make MORE problems" pc

And tbh I might play space kings.......I've been looking for a system

HFODGDIHDN ASCE HAS BEEN ADOPTED

This episode has allllll the jokers

THE CHILDREN FUCKING VANISH?????

s.k.u.l.l.s......ANTI SUITS LMAOOO ITS THE SCIENCE KIDS AGAIN

Iris just nerding out with this child is SO funny

[Iris is 57]

ALBERTXANDER

Iris said "you're having an 'existential crisis' let me SHOW you existential crisis"

THE ABSOLUTE GYNAMISTICS HAPPENING IN MY MOUTH RN TO NOT CHOKE ON DINNER BECAUSE OF "I WOULD LIKE TO WHIP A FULL BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AT HIS HEAD"

Okay this is a meme and ik Alex is a child but at no Successes I immediately started imagining "I'm a fucking whore, you idiot"

ASCE IS ALLERGIC TO MAGIC???? BESTIE YOU ASS NEEDS SOME ZYRTEC

Asce is trying SO hard to stay twelve

CAEDWYN FUCKING HAYES CHILDREN IM FUCKING DEAD.

"if you see a wall, no you don't, you have a sword" NCKSGSKDVSK????

HOLY SHIT ELEVEN SUCCESSES????

This episode was ducking perfection. I don't regret doing the quiet year series first but fuck I still wish I got to it sooner it was so good

[here-am-i-sitting-in-a-tin-can]

hhh okay so.

it's a new like group?? whcih is so cool but kinda confusing cus I'm picking up on old characterizations of my main ocs and making new ones w them and it's pretty cool and I like it

so the whole thing is based on uhh me being a fucking idiot whore as always, aka ppl my selfinsert met hooked up with on vacation and what would happen if they all met.

so first we have tristan john, he's like a punk rock kinda dude, smokes and they're like always having some kinda gender crisis and I love it, also he smokes and he's fit as hell (they/he pronouns)

then we have carla whcih im pretty sure is a copy of Phillippas very early characterization lol, and she's cute and hot ofc

Then we have Katherine, and she's like a blonde version of Tiffany, one of my other ocs cus i noticed Tiffany was kinda changing a bit and I didn't like it so I said okay well we're gonna take all that and make Katherine right??

well. As for the lore. Katherine and Tristan are exes, somehow, and they broke up because, listen up, they cheated on each other. with the same person. which is. katherine's. older. brother.

yeah.

I love this shit it's so fucking funny

anyways so my self insert would sleep w both of them, and they live like in the same city obvi (York most probably)

and then there'd be carla and another guy in spain

and then carla would turn to actually be apart german and she lives in germany blah blah blah so we'd meet again and then Tristan would come to visit and shit and that'd become a whole thing

anyways then Tristan would find out about the thing w Katherine and it'd be rlly weird and funny and fucked up and then idk what happens but it's definitely hot

So that's that....

i love your brain genuinely

tristan john kinda reminds me of tristan from acgas lmao, smokes, bisexual disaster, gender all over the place (except it’s set in the 30s) i love him

ok cheating and incest we love that dhdhfb

[gothtopus108]

okay i need to rant about this stupid guy because i cant stop thinking about all of this shit

so, my boyfriend has this friend right and we have a LOT of common intrests, so we started talking about music we like ect ect, i didnt like him for a long time bc he made me anxious but i warmed up to him, eventually we got really close (at least i thought we were close) and now i've always had the problem of being way closer with people than they are with me, but I knew he pretty much had ducky, their other best friend, and pretty much no one else.

when we were talking it was a REALLY bad time in my life. Maybe one of the top worst, and I've had a lot of really shitty time. I'm bipolar, and i was balls-deep in a horrible mixed episode, i also was heavily restricting food and taking more ritalin than i am supposed to, so basically, i was in an insane hazy oblivion and basically just entierly zoned out but also really intense from the ritalin and mania. I was in the process of moving and trying to pack up all of my shit too and my parents were CONSTANTLY fighting also so badly it would wake me up from sleep when they got into it.

So we would talk for hours, texting until like 3am, mostly about will wood/other music artists we share obsessions with, but also a lot about life and our respective shitty mental health. Now, I was also convinced I was going to lose ducky, and i was going through yet another horrific mania-induced gender identity crisis. So, although he NEVER said anything about it, in retrospect I was defintly not being a normal human person in the way i was interacting with him. Its hard enough for me to interact normally, but throw in that shit-storm and I know i was being way too much for anyone to handle, let alone someone i only just started talking too

eventually, me and ducky did break up (thanks bpd)(we also got back together a few weeks later obvi) and I think the main thing i did was ranting to him, basically dumping my entiere thoughts while activly splitting on ducky. I think this was probally the final straw. The day ducky told him we broke up, he told me us talking "doesn't feel right" and he has not responed to a single text since then.

i asked him why, and nothing. it hurt almost as bad as breaking up with ducky, because at least with ducky we had talked about if for literal days before deciding to break up and we also kept talking as friends. I didnt text him for like two weeks and when I was in a much much better place mentally i reached out saying basically "hey im sorry for how i acted, i promise thats not how i normally am, you just need to be more firm with me on boundaries. also if you hate me please say that instead of just ghosting me" but nothing.

now heres the part thats fucking me up the most. I fucking TOLD him so many times how hard being ignored fucks me up. I told him that being ignored literally makes me suicicdal. I told him how i'd so much rather someone scream and yell at me, call me horrible names, even physically fucking hurt me than ignore me, yet he STILL refuses to even acknowledge me. He KNEW how i have absolutely NO friends but ducky, he KNEW i was in the worst time of my life, he KNEW all of my trauma around friendships ending, he KNEW ALL OF IT, but he still fucking ignores me. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it.

I JUST want to be his friend again so bad. I loved him he was so fun and we had so many common interests especially in things that ducky doesnt want to talk about as much with me. i just want him to tell me what i did wrong. I want him to be angry i want to hear everything i did wrong i want him to TELL me i cant stand him ignoring me it makes my skin crawl. Now ducky told me he blocked me which makes it even worse. I feel entierly out of control.

and the worst part is, ducky just says 'yeah he didn't handle it right, but your response to what he did is not his fault' when i tell him how hes making me actively suicidal. Like,, yes,, that is true,, but when i've told him how triggering it is, when i've told him about the time i attempted after someone stoped talking to me, when i text him begging him to text me back and he still wont, at what point does at least SOME blame fall on him? like if i had never told him any of that stuff and he was just oblivious to how triggering it is that would be one thing but NO, i fucking TOLD him SO many times.

im so upset and hurt and confused and angry and evberything feels so bad and i just know hes talking shit about me to ducky i know he is he thinks im a bad person and hes trying to convince ducky i am a bad person . i hat ehim somuch im so hurt and upset and i want to hurt myself i cant belive i even tried to be his friend i can ttak ethis

[macbcth]

.