#also if i know the job a little better it’ll be easier to do it while my uterus is trying to murder me. so there’s that

[fingertipsmp3]

Dear God please don’t let my period coincide with my first day at my new job…..

[gay-dorito-dust]

hi, i love your works❤

can i request hurt comfort hcs with reader that have been down and empty for a long time with gallagher, blade, jing yuan and dan heng? ty!

Gallagher:

‘It’s okay to feel like down every now and then. No one is expecting you to constantly be happy and smiles all the time, that’s just not healthy.’ Gallagher would say as he sat himself next to you in bed. ‘So don’t blame yourself for feeling sad or feeling as though you’re running on empty because you shouldn’t, you’ll get back up in due time but until then let ol’ Gallagher pamper you a little bit. Okay?’

He knows how difficult it was for you during these times and so he would do anything and everything in his power to make things a lot more easier for you.

Making you food, help you in shower, making sure you’re hydrated, adjusting the blankets, anything Gallagher could possibly think of that could make your day better, he would do it in a heart beat.

He loves spoiling you rotten anyway he could and if you only needed him to cuddle you until you fell asleep, then he’ll take his job as your personal pillow with the upmost seriousness.

He may even playfully bite you but that depends on whether or not that was okay with you because if it was, then he’d nibble anywhere he could reach until he got you to let out a little chuckle, all the while keeping a strong grip on you as not to let you leave his embrace.

He just wants you to feel loved even if you were sad or feeling particularly empty because that’s what you deserve and be reminded of your worth as Gallagher would be damned if you forgot the person you were in the midst of everything else.

Dan heng:

‘I’ve found a book that you might like, mind if I read it to you?’

Dan Heng would do anything to make you feel comfortable in your current situation.

And one of the things he would do was read to you a book that he thought that you might like as you��d lay on him.

Sure he was a tad flustered but he reminded himself that he was doing this for you and would ease into it by having an arm pressed to your lower back as he read each passage of the book with ease.

He’d make sure you were well fed, hydrated and just cared for in general as he presses kisses into your face.

‘You’re going to be okay.’ He presses a kiss to your forehead.

‘You’re not a burden.’ He says as he presses a kiss against your nose.

‘You’ll get back up in your own time, no one else’s.’ He then presses a kiss to your chin.

He’d even reach out to the likes of Welt and March 7th on what else he could do to better help you during these times and use them in practice.

Dan heng would do anything to ensure that you were going to be okay.

He doesn’t want you to feel alone during these times that he’d decline going anywhere if he knew you were going to be left behind. For he’d rather be with you doing absolutely nothing than get into heap loads of trouble through no fault of his own.

Dan Heng prioritises you and your well-being above all else and will do everything in his power to make sure that you’d be okay.

Jing yuan:

He understands wholeheartedly of what you’re going through and will try his best in being whatever you may need during that time.

Whether it’d be a shoulder to cry on, a reassuring presence or just someone for you to open up to in due time. Jing Yuan was more than willing despite his hectic schedule as General.

However it didn’t matter how hectic his schedule may get because he’d always make time for you, or make up for the lack of time spent with you, regardless of whichever it was Jing Yuan was dedicated to put in time out of his day just so you knew he was thinking of you.

He also impeaches a bit of wisdom into you in hopes that it would help you navigate your emotions and understand them better as he takes you on small journeys.

‘Don’t feel ashamed for how you feel, for it’ll pass in due time whether that be today, next week, next month, it’ll pass regardless.’ Jing yuan would say softly as he cradles you against his chest. ‘So please don’t feel as though you are on some nonsensical timer to feel better and push all your ailments to one side because you’re not. I don’t know where you get this notion that you have to be okay all of the time because it’s just not inherently true.’ He adds as he rubs your back reassuringly and pressing a few simple kisses against your forehead and face.

‘I would much rather you feel your emotions and become acquainted with them rather then disregard them in general. As I believe all emotions have stories to tell for you to learn from as to prevent yourself from perpetuating your own hurt, pain and suffering.’ Jing yuan tells you as he walks with you through the bustling streets, making sure to keep you close to him when kids ran past without a care.

He would take you to special spots where it would be just the two of you enjoying everything and anything in its natural state.

Jing yuan would go above and beyond if it meant knowing that you were going to be okay.

Blade:

He would sit by your side in solidarity in hopes that his presence would bring you at least some form of comfort, knowing that someone would be ready and waiting for you no matter what.

Blade knew sympathy wasn’t what you were looking for as it would surely only make you feel worse than before. So he forgoes that straight away as more often the not Blade believes that sympathy does more harm then many people think, depending on the situation of course, but still it’s a statement he firmly stands by.

Words of comfort aren’t his forte but he makes an attempt just for you.

‘You’re not weak for wanting respite.’ He would say as he holds your hand.

‘You’re not weak for feeling upset or empty, it’s natural for you to feel negative emotions as well as the positive ones, otherwise it becomes unbalanced.’ He would say as his fingertips traced your features with unnatural gentleness. ‘For example you’re meant to be happy, but you’re also meant to feel sad. You’re meant to be excited, but you’re also meant to feel scared.’ He adds as he lets you play with his long silky hair however you pleased.

Do whatever you want to him, Blade didn’t care if it meant making you feel even remotely better.

Play with his fingers, toy with his clothes, boop him on the nose, it didn’t matter as he’d sit there and take it with the patience of a saint.

Anyone who dare took the piss out of you when you’re most vulnerable better be ready to run as Blade was more then ready to withdraw his sword within a moments notice.

[endemise]

long ramble, progress update, & potential release timeframe below:

hii! i got a lot of coding done and i think im finally satisfied with how the game looks (for now…)

here are some screenshots of what some of it will look like on mobile!

the friendship and romance levels shown in the relationship menu are just random as is the blurb for Aesop’s thoughts, they’re just for the example! (also characters thoughts are hidden by default, you click to reveal, then hide, them)

the stat bars were giving me hell but i finally figured them out with the the help of some forums and tumblr posts

i liked how in when twilight strikes by evertidings, the menu buttons (i.e. profile, stats, relationships) are listed at the top of the page so i took inspiration from that! and the many IFs that have a splash (?) screen at the beginning with the title

compared to when i started using twine (i think august 2023 was the first time i gave it a try), i’ve learned so much and there’s still so much to learn as well, i think coding has become my favorite part (making things looks pretty hehe)(with the help of amazing templates & ppl smarter than me, they do the heavy lifting fr)

with all the coding done (appearance wise) it’s lock in time for the revised prologue and chapter 1

the prologue has undergone a fair bit of change with the help of feedback & i’ve (hopefully) better established the setting and story.

some things that have changed besides wording and sentence structure, etc.: being able to choose what you did as a job (ex. working at the family inn) and meeting a new character (more like an old friend?)(no spoilers:))

some things i’ve been considering (SLIGHT SPOILER FOR CH.1 MAYBE): merging the revised prologue and chapter 1 into just the prologue bc chapter 1 differs a bit from the other chapters, but then the prologue would maybe be too strange timeframe wise? it’s a time skip after the events of the prologue (is that considered a spoiler, i don’t think so but???) that connects to the next chapters so maybe it’d just be better as its own chapter? or dropping the revised prologue by itself along with the updated ui/appearance then chapter 1 sometime after, or dropping the revised prologue and chapter 1 together, idk these are all just ideas i’ve been thinking about maybe i’ll do a poll

if you have anything you’d like to see, for example a specific job your MC worked, certain personality traits, or something like that, feel free to let me know & i’ll take them into consideration! i think now is the best time to add things bc it’s early development days & it’ll be easier to do so now than later

i’ve also decided to lean a little more into the supernatural aspect which i’m excited for (one specific thing really, i can’t wait to get to it🤭) the story’s world itself is fairly grounded in reality (as in the supernatural is unknown to most) but i’m looking forward to exploring it more

what you’re probably reading this for: depending on how i end up going about the prologue-chapter 1 merge decision & whether anything is added from requests/feedback, i’m aiming for a june release, july at the latest (fingers crossed). now that the appearance and function coding is complete (besides stat/choice tracking & other story related things), finishing the writing and coding it in is all that’s left

my schedule has done a 180 & some things are less than ideal at moment but it should all (hopefully) go smoothly from here! should anything change, i’ll let you all know

anyways, that’s all i have to say for now! ty for being patient & for reading this mess, i appreciate you all :)

[desceros]

For infinite singularity, I was wondering, after Donnie takes reader out of the office through the portal…

What happens to the..crime scene and our psycho coworker? Especially what did the rest of the brothers do?

(Btw love ur work, ur a total inspiration! ✨💞drink water, steal sum sustenance, take care of yourself 💗)

As soon as you and Donnie are through the portal, Leo gets to work. 

Mikey’s in charge of keeping your coworker from doing anything stupid. A task he enjoys greatly, as it means he gets to sit and giggle on the guy’s chest and pretend he can’t hear him wheezing for breath where Donnie nearly choked him. Meanwhile, Raph is sent off to take care of getting the power back on. He’s no Donnie with tech and never will be, but he’s getting decent at stuff like this. They don’t need it, but it’ll make it easier when the cops finally show up to wipe up the mess.

“So, what exactly was the plan here, huh?” Leo asks your coworker. “You get kicks out of roughing up pretty girls?”

“She’s not some random girl. She’s my soulmate,” your coworker spits, vile descriptions of the things he planned on doing to you cut off when Leo gets a foot on the clown’s broken forearm. 

“Wow, that’s so weird. Here I thought she was my brother’s soulmate,” Leo says, waving his hand in the air and watching the rage purple your coworker’s face. “What with the whole can’t stand to be apart and gazing sappily into each other’s eyes thing they have going on.”

“My pure little dove wouldn’t fuck a monster. He’s forcing her.”

“Buddy, I can promise you, first hand account, she did. Also, kind of ironic considering I’m pretty sure you got caught with your hand in one hell of a cookie jar, don’t you think?”

Raph comes back. “Power’s on,” he says, his word the only indication that’s the case since he left the lights off. Better for them, just in case. 

“Good job. One last thing,” Leo says, putting more of his weight on your coworker’s arm and feeling the bones splinter beneath his heel. “What’s TCRI doing sending out hit squads? Last I checked, business wasn’t supposed to be this cut-throat.”

Between heaving breaths of agony, your coworker groans in wretched agony before he just starts to laugh and laugh and laugh. “You’re a funny guy.”

“Right? Everyone keeps saying it’s my brother, but man, I’m telling you, my lines are killer,” Leo says, a grin that’s all teeth slashing onto his face as he grinds his heel into shattered bone. 

“He ain’t gonna talk,” Raph says after a minute more of your coworker just laughing each time he stops gritting his teeth in pain. 

“I can make him do it,” Mikey says cheerfully, a smile that doesn’t match his eyes pulling into place. 

“…Raph’s right. We’re not going to get anything out of him,” Leo says, pulling his foot off your coworker’s arm. “Knock him out and call it in.”

“I’ll find her again,” your coworker grits through his teeth. “She’ll never be able to hide from me. I’ll haunt her forever. Even if it’s like this, it’ll only ever be me she thinks about. Forever and ever and—”

“Ohh, my god, shut up,” Mikey groans, and with a thwack, your coworker goes silent. He then looks up at Leo, tilting his head. “…I didn’t know you believed in soulmates, too, Leo!”

“…Of course I don’t,” Leo brushes off, turning to inspect the security camera, putting his shell to his brother’s gaze.

“Cops’re on the way,” Raph says, and the two watch as Mikey gets your coworker trussed like a turkey. 

“We’ll have Donnie send them the security footage. Doesn’t look like he tampered with the cameras,” Leo says. Cutting a portal, he jerks his head. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

Reappearing in the lair, Leo pulls up his phone.

neon leon (6:11 p.m.) hey hermano. everything okay over there? how she doing

neon leon (6:12 p.m.) bud? you good?

neon leon (6:15 p.m.) nerd says whaaaat

Narrowing his eyes, Leo starts to tap out the next message—dude if you don’t answer in two minutes i’m coming over and—before he freezes in place, thinks for a moment, then groans in disgust. 

“Did you get a hold of Donnie?” Raph asks, tilting his head in confusion when Leo brushes past with a wrinkled beak.

“Let’s give ‘em an hour then try again. Fuckin’ rabbits.”

“…Rabbits?”

Mikey pets Raph’s shell consolingly. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Wh—B—I’m the oldest?!”

[starsurface]

Hiiii can I ask for um, Johnny cage with a regressor (around 3-5) who’s sick, really often, and has a really weak immune system, I don’t have a preference for mk 11 or 1 so, whichevers easier

Hi!!! I did choose MK1 Johnny, hope that's okay! :D

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG Johnny Cage MK1 w/ Sick Regressor Hcs

⭐ Your sickness? Pookie, that’s OUR sickness!! 🥺 - Johnny Cage

⭐ All jokes aside though, he feels terrible for you!!! (Mostly because he might be the reason you keep getting sick . . .)

⭐ It’s not his fault!! He just . . forgets that your immune system doesn’t like you most times :(

⭐ What’s better than dancing in the rain together? A really cute moment, but not a nice fever the next day

⭐ Or air conditioning in the middle winter just so you two have to cuddle together or wear cute winter outfits 😒 (I can’t say anything, i like my cold air)

⭐ If your not already regressed while sick, he’ll try his hardest to get you to slip

⭐ If your inbetween headspaces, he’ll also try to push you to fully slip

⭐ He’ll take all the responsibilities!! Cleaning, cooking, anything ‘big’ you do is now his job

⭐ Your health is also his job!! If he can fuss about you, he will!!

⭐ Not because he’s the reason your sick (that rain dancing was worth it) but because one, he loves fussin over you, and two, he feels bad that you feel all icky and not very nice

⭐ Will go out of his way to buy Princess/Paw Patrol noose soup (Only soup I have whie sick)

⭐ ^ And by that I mean he’ll usually have it stocked or he’ll get one of his friends to buy it because he doesn’t want to leave you alone

⭐ That’s why it’s OUR sickness, you think your attached to him? He is clinging to you!! (His immune systems decent, so it takes a little bit to get him sick)

⭐ ^ And if he does get sick, you two can be sick together >:)

⭐ Johnny’s not one to usually deny littles sweets and ‘junk food’, but he’ll put his foot down a bit your feeling this icky, especially if your throwing up

⭐ You gotta eat foods that’ll help your body get better!! Like greens or saltines

⭐ He’ll get you an entire sippy cup of Sprit though!!

⭐ Makes sure you drink a ton of liquids, they’ll help you feel better!!

⭐ Although he might have you take yucky medicine :(

⭐ He doesn’t mean to be mean, but it’s going to help you feel better!!

⭐ If it’s liquid medicine, he’ll give you a small yummy treat afterwards

⭐ If it’s a pill, he’ll crush it and put it in your one juice of the day (<- Again, not being mean, he just wants to make sure you get better quickly)

⭐ If your usually a hyper regressor, he’ll try to distract you!!

⭐ Whether that’s making sock puppet shows, or giving you his own little tablet to play games

⭐ If you wanna try and run around and play, he’ll scoop you up and toss you back into bed/on the couch

⭐ Or he’ll chase you around for a bit and then pick you up

⭐ ^ He doen’t want to bottle you up in bed, but he’ll strap you down if he has too 😮‍💨

⭐ ^ He’ll even make it a little game where he’ll turn around to do something, only for you to sprint off and try to run out of the room!! You don’t get far, but if it makes you giggly and gets your energy out, he’ll encourage it <3

⭐ If you just wanna just lay in bed and cuddle, he’ll scoop you up, bundle you in a blanket, and snuggle the sickness out of you

⭐ If you wanna watch TV, he hasone in the living room, and in his bedroom, so your set on where you wanna cuddle

⭐ He insist you gotta take a nap, even if you aren’t a baby, it’ll help you feel better!!

⭐ He’l do almost anything to see his bouncing toddler again 🥺

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I don't know if your sick or not, but I hope you get better!! <3

[grumpybunny-edith]

Gwen's Bunny HRT - Month 1 (Part 1)

I look at my reflection for what feels like the hundredth time today, waffling on how to do it. All the other girls have already gone through all this, and compared to their one-month photos, I feel... Behind. Delilah had already started growing fur in some places, and Edith already had a little bit of tail growing in. Sure, it looked a little weird without any fur on it, but... I’ve got nothing there but soreness. Is it even worth celebrating? Like, “oh yay, my ears look longer if you squint and my teeth look a little sillier”.  

I take a deep breath and dig my toes into my carpet, feeling pain flare up in them. It just started a couple days ago — maybe it would be better to wait until something came of it? Until walking on my toes didn’t hurt so bad, or even felt better than walking on my heels? 

I feel a tiny impulse at the small of my back, my spine apparently doing its best to wiggle at its base. Am I... unconsciously wagging my tail? The soreness that comes with it matches what the other girls had talked about. I smile, showing my reflection my weird teeth and the pain subsides a little. 

“Bunnies wag their tails when they’re upset,” Edith had told me once. It’s warming to feel how right she is, to feel like I actually belong, even for a second. It’s not that the other girls haven’t done a good job of making me think so; it’s just hard to see all of them so far along and then to look at myself. 

I set my phone down and stare at myself for a while. I imagine the fur suddenly sprouting up all across my body, shiny and soft. I imagine my ears getting so tall they graze the doorway. I imagine my tail, tiny and fluffy, poking out just about the hem of my sweatpants. It makes me smile and laugh at myself, and I feel a bit of pride in my teeth. They’ll look better coupled with everything else, I think. 

I hear my phone buzz, trying to avoid convincing myself it’s because my hearing has spontaneously improved. I laugh it off and check what it was. 

raeraebun: Hey girl!! Today’s one month, right?? Where’s the update??

I smile and blush instinctively. Rae and I don’t chat that much, but every time we do it lifts my whole mood. She’s also dropped by my place a couple times because she “made too many brownies and just had to make a delivery”. 

wen-kutesuli: Hey! Idk if I’m gonna do it today honestly lol 

raeraebun: Aww, why not? i mean like do whatever you want obvi but. you okay?

I sigh. I know I can probably tell her, it’ll almost definitely be fine, and she probably has something great to say. But it doesn’t make it any easier to say it. I’m almost embarrassed to still feel the way that I do even after her and Edith’s constant preaching of “loving yourself wherever you are”. 

wen-kutesuli: Yeah I’m okay lol. Just kinda 

wen-kutesuli: Wish I had more to show, I guess? 

Rae’s response comes quite literally instantly. 

raeraebun: GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

raeraebun: okay 

raeraebun: lemme show you something 

When Rae comes back after a couple minutes of digging, she sends me a picture of some random girl with hair like her own, followed by five closeups of a pretty standard human ear. 

raeraebun: so like

raeraebun: this was from january last year 

raeraebun: Id been on hrt for like. a month and a half to the day

raeraebun: I had taken a picture of myself every day since starting my regimen

raeraebun: and didnt see anything until that picture when FINALLY 

raeraebun: my ears had grown the tiniest little bit. 

raeraebun: I didnt stop screaming about it all day lol ashley got so sick of it 

raeraebun: and yk what happened next?

raeraebun: they stayed just like that for three more weeks LMAO

Rae has this way of making people smile and cry their eyes out at the same time. 

raeraebun: so... be nice to yourself? its not gonna happen all at once, and thats ok. every little bit is worth, like

raeraebun: I dunno 

raeraebun: a thousand parties

wen-kutesuli: That’s a lot of parties 

raeraebun: and you earn every single one of them :) 

I sit in stunned silence so pleased I don’t know what to do with myself. My body wants some kind of release, and I let it have one, laying face down and kicking my feet so quickly and so hard into the floor it probably upset the people below me. 

raeraebun: you dont have to, but we all wanna celebrate with you :D 

wen-kutesuli: Thank you 🩵 Maybe I’ll do it 

raeraebun: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

raeraebun: GO GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

---

Thank you to @flightlessbirdgirl for helping me decide on Gwen's username and for letting me bounce ideas off it!

Next

[jadefyre]

On Threats to Murderbot’s Sense of Safety, Sense of Self, and Sense of Belonging

or: How the People We Meet Change Us, And Why That’s Not a Bad Thing

An analysis of Murderbot’s emotional foils and its character arc across the first three novellas of The Murderbot Diaries. (This is part 1.)

Written for @murdermetamay and also available to read on AO3

---

In the chapters leading up to the DeltFall Debacle in chapter five of All Systems Red, Murderbot emphasizes several times how it has to act like a good little SecUnit or else it’ll be found out as ungoverned and scrapped for parts. It has spent 35,000 hours constantly refining how it operates, keeping close watch on its actions and the consequences of its actions, and being hypervigilant—all in the name of surviving for another day of watching Sanctuary Moon instead of committing mass murder. 

Whether or not it has been entirely successful at remaining undetected throughout those 35,000 hours is unknown to us as the audience. If there have been times where it realized it was almost caught, it doesn’t mention them, and if there were times when someone else noticed it was rogue, it didn’t know about them. So, to us, it’s been doing a pretty good job of hiding—but that certainty unravels very quickly as things start to go wrong for the PresAux survey team.

First, in that opening scene with the fauna in the crater, Murderbot takes it upon itself to ensure Volescu also gets out safely, despite MedSystem’s lack of useful instructions (aside from giving him a tranq). In doing so, Murderbot reveals its actual appearance to the whole team for the first time. Rather than the impersonal opaqued helmet they’ve all gotten used to, now they see its human face. This in itself is not anomalous. After all, calming victims, which it apparently sometimes has to do, is much easier when there’s a human face for the victim to look at rather than a soulless robot that doesn’t know what an emotion feels like. 

Given the corporate attitudes we see throughout the series, it’s reasonable to assume that If this were a corporate team or contract, the revelation that the SecUnit has a face might have been momentarily uncomfortable for them, but would ultimately have been glossed over/forgotten about so they could go back to pretending it’s just another part of the habitat. In fact, Murderbot says as much, and even expresses it out loud to Mensah while they’re hiding in the jungle from GrayCris: “It’s usually better if humans think of me as a robot.” 

While in the hopper, holding Bharadwaj, Murderbot says it tries to be “as much like an appliance as possible, [...] keeping my head down so I couldn’t see them staring at me.” 

The first time it does something it’s not supposed to in front of these humans is when it yells “No!” at Ratthi shortly after getting in the hopper, but it doesn’t dwell on that too much because it was covered up by the humans also yelling at the same time. 

Thus we begin to see the first cracks in Murderbot’s self-protective facade. But we also see how much it does seem to like these humans. It understands their interpersonal relationships, who’s friends with whom, who has a crush on whom, and that Dr. Gurathin is a loner but that the others seem to like him. 

Next, Murderbot begins to dig itself an even deeper hole by verbally answering when Mensah comes to check on it in its cubicle. It chastises itself for doing so rather than not answering and pretending to be in stasis, but it notes that this is due to its awkwardness rather than its paranoia about being discovered as a hacked unit. 

The next day, when Mensah invites it to stay in the crew area with them, it notes that it is out of practice controlling its facial expression because of the usual opaque faceplate and is probably making an expression “somewhere in the region of stunned horror, or maybe appalled horror.” 

When Murderbot removes itself to the security ready room, it says: “Now they knew their murderbot didn’t want to be around them any more than they wanted to be around it. I’d given a tiny piece of myself away. That can’t happen. I have too much to hide, and letting one piece go means the rest isn’t as protected.” 

In other words, now they know their murderbot isn’t just an emotionless robot, and actually has thoughts and feelings. Their belief otherwise has been a huge part of Murderbot’s cover up to this point, and now that part of its cover is gone. 

Despite that, Murderbot continues to be helpful. That’s its job, and it likes these clients. Enough that it gives its real opinions on things when asked, enough that it is proactive in making sure it’s able to go with them as they investigate the map weirdness, and proactive in reporting anomalies like the autopilot cutting out. 

But Murderbot’s sense of safety as a SecUnit—especially one without a functional governor module—is directly linked to how well it performs its job. The better it performs, the less likely it is to be investigated, and the less likely it is that the humans will discover that it even has a sense of privacy that can be violated in the first place. 

Enter chapter five. Murderbot makes it back alive from the DeltFall habitat. Its humans have saved it from the combat override module. And then Dr. Gurathin tells everyone that Murderbot has a hacked governor module, that it is rogue.

That sense of relative security it had about its continued existence shatters in an instant. But, wait. Its humans, aside from Gurathin, don’t seem to see this as a big deal. Murderbot even lets itself have an emotion—a sense of betrayal—about Volescu’s apparent agreement with Gurathin, before changing its mind when he proved it wrong immediately after by defending it.

It has so far not expressed any emotions about Gurathin one way or another in this scene. It’s reporting the situation, play by play, although it does say it likes Overse because she also steps up to defend it. 

Up to this point, Gurathin has been cautious. Speculative, yes, but he only knows so much, and despite his goals being misaligned with Murderbot’s at the moment, it doesn’t actively hold that against him—at least not in its logs—because it also understands the necessity of caution. 

Until Mensah asks Murderbot if it has a name, and it says, “No.” 

Because that’s when Gurathin says, “It calls itself ‘Murderbot.’” 

And Murderbot finally stands up for itself directly. It grates out, “That was private.” 

Murderbot’s relationship to its name could be a whole other essay, but it has demonstrated over and over again in the narrative that it does not want to be associated with murdering, and it especially does not want its humans to associate it with murdering. And now these clients, most of whom it likes, know what it calls itself. And they know it’s rogue. And it is terrified of what that will mean for its personal safety in the aftermath of this revelation, but mostly, it’s concerned because... how can they trust it now? 

Of course Murderbot doesn’t like Gurathin. In this moment, it might even hate him: He violated its privacy, threatened its autonomy, and threatened its existence as a sentient being all within a very short amount of time. He attempted to break what little trust PresAux might’ve had in it. It has every right to hate him.

Additionally, if a “good” human can do that, how much worse will it be once it’s been turned over to the company?

It says a lot about who Murderbot is as a person that it chooses not to harm Gurathin even though it could. It cares what the others think of it, and of Gurathin, but even without that excuse it wouldn’t harm him. Otherwise, why hack its governor module? Why go through all that trouble to continue existing as a rogue unit in the first place? Who would it even be, if it had hurt him to save itself? 

It doesn’t know, and it doesn’t ask. First it needs to get these clients out alive, and then it can deal with all the existential consequences that follow. To get them out alive, they need to trust it, at least a little. It’s a lovely detail that one of the first steps it takes toward reasserting that trust is proving that it has, in fact, been watching Sanctuary Moon this whole time. 

So they let it help them, and it does get them out alive. These strange but nice humans buy its contract, buy it. Gurathin may have threatened its autonomy, but it saved his life along with the rest of PresAux, and they repaid it in kind by taking it to safety. Or trying to take it to safety.

Because Murderbot doesn’t want the safety they offer, not yet. It doesn’t know what it wants, but it knows it doesn’t want to be told what it wants. Before it decides, it first has to figure out what to do about those existential consequences.

[purrfectly-nina]

IN SEMI-DEFENSE OF JACKSON <3

Jackson hate is a little forced imo cause he’s really just a teenage boy battling depression and grief and is constantly stressed and anxious about things being out of his control for really no reason. Like you have to remember Jackson has known these people for only a couple of months at this point and they bullied him and Exer made his life shit for a good bit of it 😭 now I love Exer that’s my princess and Jackson has made mistakes but it’s what makes him an interesting and dynamic character, people complain all the time that Jackson is boring and one note but he’s really not if you pay attention to his flaws as character traits and not just “oh Jackson here we go again 🙄”

+

For just season 3 stuff so far he’s kept 1. leaving therapy a secret from Pam 2. Not telling anyone about the diary and Used the diary to manipulate Exer (both consciously and unconsciously) and 3. Spent time with the reds as a form of getting information and its kinda manipulation tbh so I just wanted to give my 2 cents on it in defense and criticism of Jackson cause he’s paralleling Exer in a lot of ways and it’s unfair that he gets shit on so much when Exer is loved and praised by the fandom (again Exer is my favourite character).

+

1. Leaving therapy a secret from Pam is not a good thing Jackson is doing, he shouldn’t have kept it from her and he shouldn’t have lied that it wasn’t that big of a deal because a big theme in this comic is that keeping secrets and lying really hurts people and relationships and you need to be open and honest with those you love. That being said it’s a really hard subject that he’s still getting over himself, therapy was a safe space for him where he was finally in control and was heard not just listened to. He’s still getting over this and he could barely even talk to Harry for weeks without feeling horrible so yea it’s a really troubling thing for him to think about. He told the detention kids because sometimes it’s easier to be open with friends who get the situation than your girlfriend who you don’t want to disappoint because she was so happy you were getting better and how do you tell her your world fell apart all over again and you’re scared. I’m not saying this excuses his actions I just think there needs to be a bit more understanding here, Jackson should have told her sooner and tell her that he’s not happy about it but he’s also not ready to talk about it just yet, it’ll be good for him to open up to Pam more instead of trying to keep up an illusion that he’s doing great but it’s a hard thing to shake.

+

2. Telling anyone about the Diary, especially Exer is not fucking easy at all. Some of you are making it sound like if he just told them everything would go smoothly and well and that he’s the bad guy for keeping it hidden. So go on and tell me how exactly you’d tell the person who bullied you over petty reasons that you might have accidentally manipulated and fabricated their feelings and that you’re the reason he apologized, you’re the reason he got a job and started over, you’re the reason he confessed as is dating his boyfriend and that none of it is real and that you did it all by accident. Because that’s exactly what Jackson thinks he did, while I don’t agree with Jackson’s theory he’s convinced of it himself. For all Jackson knows Exer really is that prick back in season 1 and the only reason he changed is cause he wrote it down. That’s a lot of weight on your shoulders especially the whole romance thing I mean Jackson wholeheartedly thinks he accidentally manipulated Exer into falling in love with someone and that’s a very heavy burden to carry cause wtf do you do with that as a 17 y/o depressed child. Not to mention that the Diary is his therapy journal so that’s his one healthy outlet destroyed and he feels guilty about ever coping using it so that only fuels his self hatred and mental health issues. All of this without mentioning he’s still grieving over his mother who gave him the damn thing and now he can’t even have that once connection he has with her because of course it’s tied to Exer the person who’s made his life so difficult up till now. NOW!! Pause, this does not excuse his actions but it does explain them, Jackson is not in the right here because at the end of the day he does need to talk to Ex about it because, accident or not, he’s manipulating him and he needs to know. It’s actually incredibly interesting how much this parallels to season 1 Exer, Exer who started purposely using his magic to cause harm and then slowly losing control and doing it by accident (all while not telling Jackson he has magic which made it hurt so much more) versus Jackson’s harm being on accident at first but now he’s experimenting and knowingly causing changes to Exer. This is a big flaw of Jackson’s, he wants to understand before he takes action but only in ways that benefit him. He wanted to understand Exer’s magic before he told Pam and now he wants to understand his own before he tells anyone and we all saw how that turned out with Pam and the others in season 1/2 so Jack’s definitely going to learn his lesson. Remember that if Exer got that mad cause he was jealous over petty things how do you think Jackson, who thinks he’s one of the only reason Exer became nice, thinks Exer is gonna react to something as big as this!!

+

3. This is a bad thing aaallll around and Jackson needs to stop 😭!!! Jackson hanging out with the reds just because he wants to study Exer is not a good thing but it’s an interesting character flaw!! This goes back to what I was saying earlier, he wants to know and understand and will fixate on it so bad he neglects the consequences. Not only is he harming the reds by manipulating them into thinking he cares and is friends with them he’s also really hurting himself. As much as I would love for them all to be friends again, Jackson just isn’t in that headspace right now where he can. He’s so obsessed with the magic and how it’s affected him that he can’t get over the bullying, he can’t get over how Exer used his magic to hurt him, he can’t get over him hurting Pam, he can’t accept the many apologies, he hasn’t even accepted that Exer wasn’t in control all the time. He just can’t move on. He needs to move on and not because what happened wasn’t hurtful and is all in the past now (it’s been like 2 months since Halloween mind you) but because he needs to let go and prioritize himself instead of holding onto all this anger. He’s not just an asshole who can’t get over being bullied (which like even if he was that’s valid to a degree), he’s so obsessed with regaining control of his life and understanding what the fuck is going on that he’s actively choosing to hurt himself to hang out with people he doesn’t like. He doesn’t have to be their friends and he doesn’t have to forgive them, yes they’ve gotten better and yes they’re sorry but tbh if my bullies apologized and everything I would not forgive them and I’d certainly not be friends with them. They just need to go their separate ways until Jackson knows what he wants. But it’s hard. Being 17 and struggling with mental health (IN THE 80s!!) is very very hard and that’s before you even begin with the magic shit so cut him some slack.

Anyways this was so long and rambley I’m sorry, I just don’t love the Jackson hate I see when he and Exer are so similar but he doesn’t get the grace of being adored and pawed at. Do I love Jackson? Not as much as I do Exer but I get him, I get being a teen trying to save myself while everything around me keeps trying to push me down so I respond in anger and I’m so over everyone being so mean to him. I could go on for ages and make more points but that’s it for now so!!!! Anyways support Paola on patreon 🩷🩷🩷

[jack-kellys]

For the bad things happen bingo: Jack + bridal carry?

oh well hey there stranger. it was very much my instinct to have jack be carried but im actually so strong and didn't (quite) cave. also i made this a treat for u

available bingo squares here, ao3 series here! there r also some details in my ao3 tags/notes that make a few things about jack more objective.

Jack doesn’t like his new job, but he’s used to being good at things–adapting to things, maybe–that he doesn’t quite enjoy. 

Selling papers hadn’t been his life’s goal or anything, but he needed people to look out for him and a roof so he got damn good at it all. Same goes for these ridiculous cartoons for Pulitzer: Jack keeps his head down, his trap shut, and his pencil busy. By now he’s learned that making a bunch of very similar drafts is the way to go, so the old men upstairs can mull and hum and mutter about which reads the best when they all read the damn same. 

What is great about this newer gig is Katherine. Without it he’s not sure he’d see nearly as much of her as he’d like, and there’s so many doors to nothing and cramped little hiding places for them to giggle and tease and kiss in when they take a break from work. And since Jack isn’t technically granted any breaks, all Katherine needs to do is talk down to his boss with a cold glare and the whole matter is solved. And more importantly, they can go back to locking lips. The best days are when Davey comes by before the evening edition comes out after school, and the three of them share a cigarette. Katherine’s started to look at Davey the way Jack knows he has been for a while now, and he’s not sure what it means, but it makes butterflies reawaken in his stomach again. 

What’s not great about the gig is observing Katherine’s work life. 

Since the strike, she’s not needing to type up just one article anymore- by now it’s three, and when the Sun’s offices close for the day she ventures over to the World because she has a key and uses the typewriters there. Her father never stops her. And Jack sees her, because, you know, his rules for himself could also be stricter, but he’s used to that schedule. Up at dawn and asleep after he collapses has been his life, never hers. Jack watches her try to adjust- she’s always shooting him an upbeat smile, usually excited to be writing–and writing and writing and writing–when it’s something that interests her, but Jack doesn’t think he’ll get used to seeing circles under her amber eyes anytime soon. 

It’s November now, late in it, the time of year where there’s already a dent in supplies at the lodge that makes Jack sweat since it’s harder to steal in the winter. Jack’s at his drawing desk early this morning, wanting to have some time between when he gets out and the evening edition to try and hit up a few shops for medicines they’re running low on. Blink’s got a nasty cough right now, and the boy’s trying to puff out his chest about it, but Jack knows the truth. 

He heads up the stairs for a quick smoke break after a few hours, and catches Katherine coming in the front door from the cold in a hurry.

“Hey,” he says, greeting her just inside the main door. “You’re here early, what’s the deal at the-”

Jack observes her, and Katherine must read his mind. She sighs, shaking her head. 

“Jack, I’m okay. Rough morning,” she excuses. There’s no way a rough morning can excuse the redness surrounding her nose, the bags underneath her eyes so obvious they nearly look purple, which pops against how pale her skin looks. “And it’s cold out, too, so-”

“You catch Blink’s cold?” he asks. A middle ground, since whatever is going on with her looks worse than a cough. 

“Maybe,” Katherine agrees, which means she’s got to be feeling worse than a cold. “I’ll take it easier today if it makes you feel better.”

“It’ll make you feel better.”

Jack glances down, feeling her fingers against his own. Katherine threads her hand into his, before lifting up, dawn-pink lips pressing a small, cold kiss to his dark knuckles. 

“Go draw, Mr. Kelly,” she says to him, taking her hand away. “I’ll see you at three.”

Three is too long, and Jack can feel the time ticking by in the back of his mind, each hour making his palms itch worse. It’s not easy for him to get up and away–and especially into other parts of the huge building–without Katherine, so if she doesn’t make sure to come down and visit him he can’t really go up and see her. 

He practically rockets into motion the moment the clock strikes three, shuffling his drafts into his portfolio and shoving it into his desk, tugging his coat on, hiking his bag over his shoulder, then stands-

-up too fast. He wobbles, gripping the back of his chair and blinking his sudden spinning vision straight. Jack takes a breath, and finally exits the room, glaring at his boots. He hates whenever Mush’s hypothesis is proven a little right- Jack’s got something weird with his blood, wrong with the iron in his body. It gets him jumpy in the winter, gets him worried about everyone and the cold. 

Glancing around the hall, he sneaks up the stairs to where Katherine prefers to work- Bryan Denton’s office, who’s been out on assignments after shifting from the Sun for two months now and taught Kath a lot of what she knows. Jack knocks, before pushing open the door. 

“Oh, Kathy,” he sighs, smiling slightly. Her head’s tucked on the typewriter’s keys as if it were a pillow, arms rested under her chin as her chest rises and falls evenly. Jack’s sort of glad she fell asleep- doing all this work for hours on end in her condition hadn’t been Katherine’s best idea. 

Jack crosses over to her, drawing a hand through her hair. He pauses.

The ends of her wavy fringe his sweaty, he notices. Jack swipes his hand over her forehead.

Hot- burning hot. And her hands are cold when one of his own closes around them.

“Kath. Katherine,” Jack says, and says again. He shakes her shoulder gently. “Katherine, come on. Wake up, sweetheart.”

Slowly, her eyes flutter open with a small moan. Katherine’s eyebrows scrunch, confused- probably wondering why the first thing she’s seeing is an ‘f’ key. 

“Did I…? Jack?” she mumbles, lifting her head. Her face turns to his, and she pouts, blinking sluggishly. “Oh, I didn’t go down to you, did I. I’m sorry.” 

“That’s alright,” he reassures, two hands on her shoulders now. “Day’s over, yeah? Lemme get you- I’m gonna take you to the lodge for now. So you can rest some more.” 

She shakes her head, expression pinched.

“Not necessary,” she insists, carefully standing up. “Everyone falls asleep at their desk, right? Right. One time- one…”

She sways suddenly, but catches herself just as Jack’s muscles go taut. 

“One time.. thing,” she manages. She takes a step, and her dull eyes flutter, and Jack’s taut muscles send him surging forward as she falls sideways, only six inches or so from the side of her head slamming into the wall. Jack catches her, thank god, her form crashing heavily into his outreached arms. He hefts her up shakily, her temple finding his shoulder to rest on while his arms curl around her back and under her knees. 

“Kath?” he tries. “Katherine. Katherine.” 

She doesn’t wake, expression lax save for the strained twitch of her brow. 

“Fuck,” he hisses, because he’s alone, with his unconscious partner, in an office that isn’t his and in a building that doesn’t like letting him inside. And Kath’s not waking up. Jack’s heart starts to pound louder, it feels like- sounds like.

Stairs. Stairs. He needs the stairs. 

Jack rushes to them, doing his best not to jostle Kath as he starts downward. He needs to mind his footsteps- Katherine is practically his height, and her dress could easily cause both of them to go sprawling. 

He makes it down, trying not to breathe too hard, and shoves with his back out the front door.

“Jack? -Kath?”

Jack’s head swings to the right, and Davey’s there. 

“What happened?” the boy rushes out, striding over to Jack. “I was waiting for you two, they wouldn’t let me- is she alright? What-”

Jack lets Davey touch her forehead, watches him recoil and his eyebrows shoot up, before he traces her cheek gently.

“She’s sick. Came in and worked a whole day anyway,” Jack mutters. The November breeze makes Katherine shiver suddenly, but she still doesn’t wake, only looks more pained. Jack bites his lip.

“Hold her for a moment?” he asks Davey.

“What?” Davey splutters, eyes going huge. “Jack I can’t- I dunno if-”

Jack sets her in the taller boy’s arms anyway, and quickly sheds his coat. “Knew you were strong enough, Dee.”

“Whatever,” Davey mutters, narrowing his eyes at Jack, who sets his coat over Katherine. “Jack, you need that.”

“I ain’t sick,” he says, and carefully takes her back into his grasp.

“You’ll get sick. Or, you’ll-”

Jack starts walking. He’s fine. His nose is already chilled to the bone, but he’ll manage. He hears Davey quickly keep up, and they walk in strained silence for a while.

“You know, it’s my textbook on anatomy I had Mush borrow,” Davey murmurs. “And I read a good amount of it.”

“Good for you,” Jack mutters, though his body tenses up more than it already is as another gust of wind blows through. 

“It ain’t good for you to be out and cold like this,” Davey continues, and Jack keeps his gaze pointedly forward. “You’re already losing color and it’s only been ten minutes-”

“Dave,” Jack interjects, gazing down at Katherine. His coat’s helped, maybe, but she still shivers and burns and shakes in his arms and he wishes he could somehow grip her even closer. “I’m worried about her, alright? Lemme- just lemme hold her.”

Davey goes quiet for a moment. Before too long, Jack feels the boy’s arm come around his waist, rubbing his back, warming him.

“Okay,” Davey says softly. “Okay, Jack.”

They make it to the lodge, and the front door of it is all Jack can focus on. He lets Davey open it, and he heads in with her, going up the stairs, away from the colder first floor. He sets her in Racer’s lower bunk, since that’s always a safe bet. Pulls the covers up. 

Now what. 

There’re other things he should do, he knows that, but his brain can’t seem to connect the dots, the red string of his thought process being held limply with no direction. 

The hand on his back returns, and his name’s being said.

“-ck, you should get some rest too,” Davey’s saying. “You listening?”

“Always,” is Jack’s smart reply. “Yeah, I- well, I gotta run down to Mush first if he’s around, let ‘im know what’s going on.”

“Well, I can do that,” Davey brushes off. Then, he takes Jack’s hands, finding his wrists and cupping his palms around them. “You need to warm up, and rest, Jack, you just carried Katherine for a mile.”

“Yeah but I-” Jack shakes his head slightly. His shoulders hike as he fights a sudden shiver, slipping out of Davey’s hands as the red string finally lands around a thought. “I gotta grab some extra blankets, too.” 

“Jack-”

He stands up, gripping the bottom of the top bunk to steady himself, blinking a few times. Fine. He’s fine. He’s going- he was going to get… something. 

The red string suddenly slips away, and his head aches, his chest clenches, and he’s really, really cold. His vision flits between darkness and wood bunks as his eyelids flutter. Stronger arms than he thought he knew slip under his own right as he feels he’s about to sink, though, and his face lands against a warm chest. He yawns, lightheaded, brain feeling separate from the rest of his body.

“Breathe,” Davey’s saying, urgently. “Jack. Jackie, can you hear me? Just breathe, in slowly, out slowly.” 

Jack’s trying to focus, but he’s not totally sure why he can’t, and his knees want to buckle. Davey’s strong, holding him up like this. Jack doesn’t feel like he’s holding anything. 

He feels his eyes close, which makes the breathing easier but the focusing harder. Davey’s holding him close, safe. He’s tracing the side of Jack’s head soothingly with a finger in the space between his braids, and Jack lets himself yawn again, though this time his brain feels less like it’s suffocating than it did a minute ago. 

“You gonna let me find Mush?” Davey says softly, but Jack can picture the ‘I was right’ smirk that’s probably residing on the boy’s pink lips. Jack simply nods into his chest. He lets Davey sit him on the bunk, still leaned into the other until he feels Davey shift him- trying to lay him down. Jack thinks he falls asleep before the boy even can- he remembers Davey’s chest as his resting spot, not the pillow beside Katherine. 

He wakes groggily a couple hours later, his suspenders and dress shirt missing. His shoes are off, too, and there’s wavy, auburn hair tickling his nose and someone’s back he’s tucked into. Just barely, he raises his head, opening his eyes just enough. 

Katherine’s awake, thank god, attire loosened. Jack’s arm is rested over her hip, but she’s petting someone’s hair, looking down at someone the way she looks at Jack. His head raises higher.

Davey’s fast asleep sitting half on the floor, face pillowed by his arm on the bunk mattress and hair being delicately combed through by Katherine’s fingers. Suddenly she pauses, and glances behind her. Jack meets her gaze, and she looks exhausted, but she gives him a tired smile. Jack tries to return it despite the fog going through his brain. 

“Go back to sleep, Jackie,” she whispers, so gently it nearly convinces his eyes to shut then and there. “You’re off duty, alright?” 

“How long’s he been asleep?” he asks her anyway. He leans over her a little, arm slipping away from her waist to find Davey’s cheek to caress. 

“Maybe an hour,” she provides. “Adorable, hm?”

Jack hums his agreement, but feels his head bob downward, despite his desire to ask Katherine how she feels. Jack wraps himself closer around her middle, nuzzling his face between her shoulder blades. The hand that isn’t resting against Davey’s cheek finds Jack’s hand over her stomach, their fingers threading together. All three connected, like one snaking string. He smiles to himself. 

“Sleep, Jack,” Kath says again over her shoulder. He listens. 

[ghostoffuturespast]

WIP Whenever

Tagged by @wanderingaldecaldo @morganlefaye79 @streetkid-named-desire @corpocyborg Thanks y'all! 🧡👻

The writing front has been very slow lately. Ideally I need like 6-8 hour blocks of time to just sit down and write, and my one day to do that has been occupied by social things and appointments the past few weeks. So writing has been minimal and in the tiniest bits and pieces. I do have a pretty solid 10 pages rn though, so I'll take it.

A lot of times for sections with a lot of dialogue, I'll write the dialogue first to make sure I really nail the flow of the conversation then go back and add all the speaker tags and actions. For this snippet I removed my mess of notes about who's saying what, so you all can have fun guessing lol!

One of my fav things to do is incorporate world-building and plot relevant details in as dialogue. It's a really seamless way of informing readers but it's also a subtle form of foreshadowing on my end.

Me and my multi-chapter setups, playin' the long game here...

Wash, sorry in advance for shit talking your woman. I think it's hilarious that Mitch is in on this too though lol

“–Militech’s been awfully agitated lately, saw a twenty vehicle caravan cruising around the 101 on that last scouting trip. Don’t think they’re planning on sniffing around here do you?” “If they were lookin’ for the panzer they would’ve come and collected by now. Think it’s the fact that Arasaka’s stocks are in the shitter. And it ain’t just them either. You know the corps, always tryin’ to sniff out opportunity.” “Yorinobu’s been doing a sloppy job of sweeping this whole debacle under the rug. Ever since he took over it’s been one mistake after another. It’s about time the whole empire toppled.”   “I imagine the president is trying to see how far she can push her luck.” "Don’t think it’ll hurt her chances? Even with it being an election year?" "Pfft, please. There hasn’t been an honest election since [insert date here]" “After her last attempt, you’d think President Myers would’ve learned her fucking lesson by now. Unification my ass.” "Well, with Arasaka hobbled and a newly elected mayor, what better time to test the waters? Militech and the NUSA have all the opening they need to jam their feet in the door." “Ugh, do we really have to talk about corp drama over dinner? Again. That is all you old farts have been talking about recently.” “Seeing as Militech backs the NUSA and that they’re contracted to guard the borders between the NUSA and the Free states. Yes, we are talking about it, Panam. As one of the leaders for this family you should be paying attention to these kinds of things. They are the ones we have to tangle with every time we move." “Yes, because politics is such an influence on all the illegal activities that are our livelihood. Does it really matter which corporation or government is in charge of what? They are all the same. We will figure it out regardless.”   "It helps to know the players on the table. Who they are. What they want. The more information you have the easier it is to navigate the situation, read the field." "As much as I see your point, I was really hoping to avoid the leadership lessons for at least one meal." "It’s not a responsibility you get to turn on and off, Panam." "Well, Saul, any chance those leadership lessons will help sort out the kitchen? It’s been mystery chili for the fifth night in a row."

Also, I found these fun series of videos which are an abbreviated history on NC! If you're into unraveling all the lore like I am or just need something that doesn't require a ton of research, these are great little primer!

Tagging with no pressure: All the people that tagged me @wanderingaldecaldo @morganlefaye79 @streetkid-named-desire @corpocyborg & @shimmer-like-agirl @baublekute @elmknight @mynonsenseistingling @vox-monstera @fly-amanitaa @spacervanguard @scarlettspectra

And it doesn't have to be writing or CP2077 related!

[justkpopjokes]

Sunshines on my Shoulder || Pocket!Enha

Ft. Borrowers!Jay & Sunoo + gender neutral!reader (no ships) AU: inspired by The Secret World of Arriety Word Count: 747 A/N: Originally was gonna be something with Chanyeol (EXO) but it took me 5 years to write this so. I changed career paths lol

These will be headcanons but lemme set the scene for you first:

When you move into your new house in the countryside, you’re more than shocked to find tiny humans living there before you

For a while, you think you’re just seeing things out of the corner of your eye, or that the darkness is playing tricks on you when you head downstairs for a midnight snack

BUT THEN YOU SEE THEM—two little people who could balance on one of your fingers each—knocking over the salt shaker

You can hear them bickering faintly as they try to hide from you

They’re both being pretty snappy at each other 🙄

Jay: “You couldn’t have done that any quieter?!”

Sunoo: “You’re the one who wants the salt for your cooking!”

Jay: “You’re the one who wants all the food!!”

Eventually you just cut in since it doesn’t seem like they’re gonna stop arguing anytime soon

The tiny people are more shocked than you are LOL and the one you’ll later learn is Jay starts yelling at you instead while the other one, Sunoo, hides behind the toppled salt shaker

Such a loud voice for such a tiny guy,,,

After a quick, hesitant introduction, you help them grab a handful (their hands, not yours) of salt, which isn’t that many granules due to their tiny bodies

And after that, they’re on their way, retreating into a hole in the wall

The next day, the two visit you in your room to say thank you!!

Sunoo gifts you a tiny button he usually uses as a frisbee because he notices one missing from your shirt

You: "HEY isn't this the exact button from my shirt…?"

Sunoo: "Ummmmm......I found it on the floor! I was just borrowing it!!"

Anyway that's when you learn about them being "borrowers," which are this whole species of tiny people

(Must be why your neighbours complain about snacks going missing…)

But from then on, you’re friends with Jay and Sunoo 😌

Jay has always been the more responsible one of the two when it comes to survival instinct

Mostly he feeds Sunoo good meals and makes sure the younger one is taking care of himself

Sunoo is the one who goes out more into the Big People World™️ to “borrow” things from them, returning to Jay with his findings and a wide array of trinkets

But since you’ve become friends, Sunoo’s job has gotten a lot easier!! They only need to hide from your family and any guests now

Jay’s a little apprehensive, thinking that they’ll go soft if you keep helping them get supplies

But after seeing how happy Sunoo is when you let him have the tiniest scoop—more like a drop—of ice cream, having help from the Big People to open the freezer is allowed

At this point, they only need to leave their home to borrow whenever you’re busy or not at home, which keeps them both in shape

They also visit you in your room often just to hang out, lounging on your desk and helping you by giving opinions on whatever work you’re doing

Jay seems to warm up to the idea of talking to you more when he notices you can’t really cook that much

He’s like “why have you only eaten ramen the past five days,,, WHY DID YOU ONLY HAVE A BOILED EGG FOR BREAKFAST!! GROWING BIG HUMANS NEED BIG MEALS!!!”

After discovering you just don’t know many recipes and how to cook them well, he immediately goes Remy Ratatouille on your ass and climbs onto your soldier to direct you

Picture it, you’re in front of your stove, there’s one tiny person on each shoulder

One of them is shouting at you to STOP BREAKING THE PASTA WHEN YOU PUT IT IN THE POT and the other is telling you to add mint chocolate to the spaghetti sauce "just to test" if it’ll make it taste better

It’s like an angel and devil on your shoulders but the angry one isn’t the one trying to make you make a bad decision lolol

Eventually, you produce a wonderful bowl of spaghetti with some delicious sauce (sans the mint choco)

It’s surprisingly good, considering you’re going off of a mix of Jay’s instructions and the internet since there is no way his cooking times and portions convert well to Big People measurements

Maybe it’ll be fun living with Little People for a while!!

And to end the day, you have a movie night…with your phone propped up on the table to give Jay and Sunoo the movie theatre experience, one singular piece of popcorn shared between them to last the evening

[possibilistfanfiction]

legitimately fuckin obsessed with the avatrice football au my dude. that last snippet brought me pure JOY im tellin you what

[well here's some ava pov while i procrastinate ch3 plot lol, s/o to @unicyclehippo for the worst/best gay pun of all time, love u. honestly this is long enough to put on ao3 so ... i'll do that in a footy au series i suppose for context... justice for chanel lol]

///

waking up from your first surgery is a blur, mostly an inexplicable terror when you can’t feel your legs, when you can barely move your fingers. tears leak from your eyes and you can’t wipe them, can only let them roll down into your temples. but then there’s a hand in yours, and chanel’s comforting touch, her voice soft.

‘it’ll be okay, ava,’ she says.

it won’t be okay, you’re certain of it, because you’d been taken straight from the field to the hospital, and then right into surgery, your kit cut off so that they didn’t move your spine more than you already had. you love football; you love football, the feeling of being so at home in your body, the feeling of going fast and the delight of the burn in your muscles, of not being afraid of anything.

‘i’m really scared.’ you look at chanel, showered and gorgeous, in a team issued bomber that seems impossibly elegant, even now. 

‘yeah,’ she grants, swipes her thumb against your cheeks and into your hair, catching your tears. she grabs a tissue and wipes your nose, which, from anyone else, would be absolutely horrifying, but she does it with so little fanfare and you’re in pain and also not pain — the worse option — you can’t even really care. she’s your favorite teammate: kind and brave and funny. she’s your friend. ’you’re gonna get through this, though.’

‘i don’t — i don’t want to.’

you don’t even quite know what you mean, still out of it because of pain meds and anesthesia, but chanel sighs gently.

‘you will. one day, you will.’

/

you don’t, not for a long time. after your fifth surgery you kind of tell yourself that you’ve definitely given up on football; they move you to a long-term rehab facility specifically for spine injuries, which is better than the hospital for sure, but it’s still hours and hours of physical and occupational therapy that leaves you feeling discouraged more often that not. once the inflammation starts to go down in your spine, you start to, at least, regain some function in your arms and hands, and after your sixth surgery, things are, you’ll admit, more hopeful. at the very least, you’ll be able to do things like use a manual chair and cook and type emails. 

you’re not great at texting yet; your occupational therapist is always telling you that if you worked on writing, and holding cutlery, and even more boring, pointless shit like pick up sticks, you’d have an easier time, but, whatever, you can type with the pointer finger of your right hand and it gets the job done. chanel visits as often as she can, most days in the late morning, which feels particularly generous in the off season when she could be being glamorous somewhere else, probably invited to paris fashion week or something. she brings makeup — expensive, beautiful makeup — and doesn’t seem to care when you clumsily fuck up lipstick or poke your eye with a mascara wand. you know she brings it so you actually do your occupational therapy exercises, but she also brings you changes of comfortable clothes and washes your hair gently every few days. she lies back in bed with you, long limbed and beautiful, and watches matches when you don’t feel too sad. 

a few days after your eighth surgery, your last, according to your neurosurgeon, you wear a giant back brace over your beatrice xin jersey, your favorite player to watch, and your physical therapy team gets you strapped into this harness that connects to the ceiling so you can try to walk on the treadmill and for sure won’t fall. it kind of feels like you’re doing a stunt or something, and chanel stands there and indulges you with a smile while you make all of your best ‘strapped into a harness’ jokes.

and then — you do walk. it’s slow going, the treadmill barely moving, and your legs feel sluggish and so weak and almost not like your own. it’s been two months since you took a step and it feels like a fucking miracle. chanel wipes a tear or two from her own eyes, even though you can only walk for five minutes and are sweating kind of profusely — it’s a fucking miracle, and she understands it too. 

/

‘what are you frowning at?’

she rolls her eyes and pockets her phone, easily pedaling with insane resistance on the peleton next to you while you struggle to get your legs to listen to your brain and pedal at all. ‘idiot bros on twitter. “trans women don’t belong in women’s sports” and all that bullshit.’

you stop trying to pedal because you’re already entirely unsuccessful today and now you’re not able to focus at all. ‘fuck them.’

she grins. ‘yeah.’

‘i’ll beat them up, just you watch.’

it makes her laugh, and you think she knows you really would physically get into a fight — on or off the field — if anyone ever said anything to her. 

‘plus, i can take you 1v1.’

‘in your dreams, silva.’

‘i’m going to, again. don’t even think i won’t.’

chanel pats your hand; you feel it all. ‘i’ve always known you could do it. i’ve never thought you wouldn’t, ava.’

you duck your head, unused to genuine praise after all this time stuck in the same boring, discouraging, painful rooms at the spine center, even though all of your doctors and nurses and therapists had been nice.

‘but,’ she says, ‘first you gotta pedal on this bike.’

‘it’s hard,’ you whine.

‘you’re just distracted.’

you look at the game you’d turned on, beatrice xin currently with two goals and two assists, and sigh. ‘i’m horny.’

it gets the biggest, best laugh out of chanel, and you feel a little something like pride bloom in your chest: you love making people you care about laugh. 

‘fine, fine,’ you grumble. you look down at your feet, your quads and calves so small and pale compared to six months ago; you try to breathe through the immediate fear and the tiny bit of shame that pops up. but you focus, feel your feet firmly on the pedals, think about how you know how to ride a bike; you know how to stand up straight and put on pants and kick a ball. the back brace you have on feels tight, feels restricting — but you focus on activating your quads, then your hamstrings, and you eventually get the pedals to move.

‘hell yeah,’ chanel says.

‘if you try to give me a high five right now i think i’ll get all scrambled if i try to move my hand.’

she laughs, reaches over and pats the top of your head instead. 

/

‘ava silva,’ chanel says, and you grin; you can’t help it. she holds her phone at a, thankfully, flattering angle as you walk along the beach — slowly, but steady: you trust you won’t fall, that you’re strong enough and getting stronger. ‘what does freedom feel like?’

chanel has like… three million followers, and she loves social media, something that your old club has always been thrilled about. they hadn’t renewed your contract, but you’d understood; they’re still paying for all of your medical care, so you don’t really feel upset, just a sense of loss you’re not quite ready to name. but chanel loves you, and she’s so, so happy for you — even if you never play again, you’re walking and even starting to run now; you’re in pain but it’s manageable. it’s okay.

‘it feels —‘ euphoric; devastating — ‘like a miracle.’

/

you flop down on chanel’s neatly made and extravagent bed; you’ve been staying in her guest room — which she had turned into her closet, so it’s still kind of packed with all of her beautiful clothes, although there is a very expensive bed for you — and training until, hopefully, you can get signed somewhere. she doesn’t even look up from her ipad when you sigh. ‘hello, ava.’

‘i have a favor to ask that i actually think you’ll be interested in.’

she pauses whatever she’s doing, then looks up. ‘i’m listening.’

‘well! okay, so. as you know, i’ve basically only worn hospital gowns and sweats for the last year and a half, and before that, i was, like, a child.’

chanel perks up, and you can practically see the wheels in her head turning already.

‘and now, wherever i get signed, you know, people are gonna care, and want interviews and all this stuff. so, in small part, i want to feel good about how i look for this next chapter of football.’

‘i love it,’ she says. ‘and what’s the large part?’

you flop back again, just for the dramatics. ‘i am… so horny. like, you don’t even understand.’

she laughs. ‘JC is nice though, right?’

‘yeah,’ you say, because he is. ‘but, like, girls.’

she pauses for a second, a happy smile on her face. ‘so, you want to look… more… bisexual?’

‘i mean, i do already? because i am? right?’

‘well, of course, ava.’ it’s gentle and reassuring but still a little amused.

‘but — yeah. like, i want to pick stuff i love, my clothes and my hair and whatever, gain back control, blah blah, everything my therapist is always going on about.’

‘your therapist is great, you love her.’

‘sure.’ she is; you do. ‘so anyway, i just — i guess i just want to feel like myself.’

‘now that,’ chanel says, ‘is a favor i love.’

/

‘you’re sure?’

‘it doesn’t matter if i’m sure,’ chanel says, sitting in the hairdresser’s chair next to yours. you have the salon to yourselves; she’d booked you a private appointment with her hairstylist immediately.

you turn to said stylist, dimitri, with their chic and very neat fade. ‘are you sure?’

‘like chanel said,’ they say. ‘it only matters what you want. we don’t have to do anything big.’

you look in the mirror; you hadn’t had the real opportunity to get a haircut in a long time, being in the hospital and rehab and then spending as much time as you could training after that. you haven’t, really, taken the time to deeply care for yourself, something your therapist has been bothering you about. you want, so badly, to live as big as you can. as much as you can. 

‘well, i’m sure, as long as you think it’ll, like, be good for my face shape or whatever.’

chanel and dimitri share a quick glance and then chanel rolls her eyes. ‘ava, you have to know that you’re beautiful, right?’

you pause for what you feel is an appropriate amount of time. ‘yes.’

‘but since you asked,’ dimitri says, ‘i do think this will be great for your face shape.’

‘alright,’ you say, feeling suddenly very excited and a little buoyed. ‘let’s fucking do it, then.’

chanel cheers and dimitri grins; they wash your hair gently, and you feel a little panicked until chanel starts talking about the threesome she had a few nights ago, which is delightful and grounding enough you stay, fairly easily, in the present of this beautiful, outrageously expensive salon, the control you get to have. not that you’re thrilled about your therapist being completely 100% correct, but… she was right. 

dimitri dries your hair and then combs it out patiently, divides it and then clips up the top part. ‘ready?’

‘definitely.’

chanel grins and it’s easy, so much easier than you knew it would be, to sit and watch yourself become. you’re filled with a sense of joy, this tiny seed that grows as dimitri cuts your hair to your chin precisely, and asks you about your plans for the day, and food you love, and chanel talks about her latest modeling contract — in addition to football, which amazes you in a way that makes you feel proud in the very center of your chest, this incredible person who showed up and helped take care of you. you feel your shoulders relax; you feel your feet firmly in the new sneakers converse had sent you, comfortable and cool; you even take time to feel your butt in the chair with the knowledge that you don’t need to do any pressure reliefs or weight shifts because, when dimitri is done, you’ll be able to stand up and walk and dance and run and even play football. and even if — even if — one day, you couldn’t, you have your friends and your teammates and your life.

‘you look hot, ava,’ chanel says, very genuinely, after dimitri finishes with a leave in, then shows you how to dry your hair and recommends a light oil. 

‘go ahead,’ they say, ‘run your hands through it, all that jazz.’

to touch; to feel. you think you might cry, all of a sudden, with your soft hair that you picked, that you wanted, and chanel takes in your wobbling bottom lip and then tuts and pulls you toward her. because of your height difference, your face is basically smooshed into her chest and, even though you do cry, you laugh too, wet and messy and alive.

‘this probably my favorite place in the world,’ you say.

chanel shoves you playfully and you grin up at her. 

‘thank you.’

she waves you off, as she always does when she’s a little overwhelmed too. ‘don’t thank me yet. now we have to go shopping.’

/

it’s not as bad as you’d feared; despite the fact that chanel only wears the most elegant designer clothes — her closet is full of gucci and bottega and, of course, chanel, and a whole shelf of louboutins — but she also loves you and knows you, deeply, and so when her driver pulls up to a row of a few very cool-looking thrift stores, you have to hug her again. she gives you helpful feedback on pieces and outfits and you feel, quite genuinely, happier than maybe you ever have. you buy crop tops and high waisted, loose jeans and a few sweaters you love; some silly earrings and a necklace and a cap that chanel laughs at, but fondly enough you know it works. you find a men’s button up with a bunch of flames on it and she rolls her eyes but you put it on anyway, knot it at your waist so it feels just above your shorts.

‘do i look bi?’

‘you look a little bit crazy, but i definitely wouldn’t think you’re straight.’

you’re practically shaking with excitement: ‘it’s… flaming. i’m flaming! get it!’

chanel groans. ‘ava,’ she says, but wraps an arm around your shoulders and throws it on the growing pile anyway.

/

you feel happier than maybe you ever have until the next morning, when you come back from a silly game of football on the beach with her and JC and a few of your other friends, your hair spilling out of the tiny bun you’d managed to get it into, which had made you laugh, and sit down to have some burrata — another one of your favorites that chanel indulges in getting for you from time to time, even did while you were in the hospital and she had to put it on little crackers and feed it to you herself — and then accept a call from your agent. you step inside to take it, close the door softly. 

after it’s done, you yank the door open this time, burst onto the patio. all of your nerves are alive; in your shorts, your legs look strong again, tan and muscular and capable.

‘good news?’

you’re almost too excited to explain that you’re getting signed by your favorite club, $6 million for the year, with, if all goes well, an option to extend your contract another season after. a bonus: they just hired dr. jillian salvius, one of the best sports specialists in the world. all of your care will be, of course, included.

chanel starts to cry, which makes you start to cry, and she hugs you to her tightly. 

‘i am so happy for you,’ she says. ‘and i’m really gonna miss you.’

‘i’m gonna miss you too,’ you tell her. 

she backs up and puts her hands on your shoulders, a smile sneaking up her face. ‘you know, i happen to remember your favorite player in the whole entire world playing at a certain club.’

you hadn’t really thought past football and then six million dollars, but — ‘fuck.’

chanel laughs, face beautiful and delicate and rich in the sun. ‘i can’t wait to show her pictures of you in her jersey.’

‘oh god, are there any on my instagram? i have to go check.’

she just keeps laughing, and it’s all brimming, so wonderful, right at your fingertips.

/

you sign a few days later, your hands steady.

/

‘well,’ chanel asks, lounging back in bed on zoom, ‘how was day one?’

‘oh my god.’ your hair is still wet from the shower you took at the training grounds; you had raced back to your new apartment to make sure you were on time for your call. ‘i got there early, to play a little bit, get the nerves out, you know. and guess who was there and wanted to play 1v1?’

she grins. ‘no fucking way.’

‘i got schooled, obviously,’ you say, think of the way beatrice xin had moved with the ball, how surely she went into tackles, how precise she was. ‘i did score twice, though, and nutmegged her once. greatest football moment of my life, i’m pretty sure.’

‘what’s she like?’

you think chanel is probably humoring you, but you don’t care. ‘beatrice is… beautiful.’ it’s really the only word you have: her neat bun that stayed in place perfectly other than a few errant strands by the end of the session today; her clipped, lovely accent; the way her calves had looked while she was sprinting; the delicate lines of her face; her freckles and her eyes; how she had been serious and professional but kind; her strong back, muscles rippling under her skin in a way that made you shiver, in the locker room when she had untucked her quarterzip and pulled it over her head; how she seemed lonely, despite it all. ‘she’s really beautiful.’

/

it’s a while later when the sheer mortification dawns on you, but then beatrice, in her weird, hot, hilarious way, seems to dissipate the extreme embarrassment you’re going to be faced with by being embarrassing first.

‘hello, chanel.’ she reaches out her hand very seriously, in her favorite linen jumpsuit and a very expensive pair of off-white dunks and black, cat eye sunglasses that are honestly cooler than you expected, in front of her favorite nice brunch place. chanel shoots you a glance and then shakes bea’s hand firmly while you both try not to laugh. 

‘hey, it’s great to meet you.’

‘you, as well,’ bea says. ‘i — before we sit, i just wanted to extend my admiration, for the work you have done both on and off the field for trans equity in our sport.’

it’s so serious, and so genuine, chanel seems a little disarmed and a little affected. ‘thank you.’

bea nods once, seriously. ‘and, maybe more importantly, even, my deep gratitude, for caring for ava. she’s spoken so highly of you, and it means — i love her,’ bea decides on, after a pause. ‘i’m glad, immeasurably so, that she has people who love her too.’

chanel suspiciously sniffles. ‘can i give you a hug? is that weird?’

bea smiles, a real smile, your favorite, and opens her arms. you resist the urge, passionately, to make a joke about how the two hottest (sorry, lilith) women you know together is really gonna do it for you during your alone time later, which is honestly a fucking feat.

‘well,’ chanel says, ‘i made a presentation of every embarrassing thing ava has done that you should know about.’

‘oh no.’

bea loops her arm with chanel when she gallantly offers, and bea says, ‘oh yes.’ you trail behind them, feeling short and small and bursting with happiness. chanel orders basically the entire menu for you to try and she and bea laugh at your expense when chanel opens her phone and does, indeed, have an entire canva presentation of you being embarrassing, but you don’t really mind at all. the sun warms your shoulders and you drink champagne that costs way too much money, the bubbles bright on your tongue. chanel laughs and bea puts her hand on your thigh, just like that: you feel it all.

[crownmemes]

House Sentences, Vol. 1

(Sentences from House (2004-2012). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"No wonder you’re such a renowned diagnostician! You don’t need to actually know anything to figure out what’s wrong!"

"Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?"

"Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job!"

"If you're going to fire me, have the guts to face me!"

"Is the yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of."

"Truth begins in lies."

"I can't just break into someone's house!"

"'I say what I think' is just another way of saying 'I'm an asshole'."

"What makes you think I’m so much better than you?"

"You can live with dignity, but you can’t die with it."

"You're an only child, aren't you? Everything is about you."

"You knew that I saw something, so you figured there must be something there and took a guess. Clever, but also pathetic."

"So, when you say 'call me if you need anything', you mean 'don’t call me'?"

"Pain'll make you do stupid things."

"You're not a very nice doctor, are you?"

"I think your tie is ugly."

"You don't think she's hot?"

"If you look the way you do, and you say what you said, you have to be aware of the effect that it’ll have on men."

"I get that you’re not a big believer in the ‘catching flies with honey’ approach, but do you honestly think you’ll collect a jarful by cleverly taunting them?"

"I'm uncomfortable about sex."

"Take a deep breath. This is going to hurt a lot."

"When did I give you the impression that I care?"

"You will lie, cheat and steal to get what you want, but you’re incapable of kissing a little ass?"

"If emotions made you act rationally, then they wouldn’t be called emotions, would they?"

"Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth."

"I’ve been a doctor for 20 years; you’re not going to surprise me."

"If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself."

"It's easier to die than to watch someone die."

"The most successful marriages are based on lies."

"Anyone who’s that awkward either has no experience around death or too much."

"I’ve been a doctor for years; why do I have to keep assuring people that I know what I’m doing?"

"Are you going to report me?"

"You hide behind your intelligence."

"You make jokes because you’re afraid to take anything seriously - because if you take things seriously, they matter."

"Look, we obviously have a difference of opinion, and that’s fine, but unfortunately, I’ve used up all the time I’ve budgeted today for banging my head against a wall."

"Guilt does a lot of damage."

"I have a theory on what makes good boys 'good'. It’s not because of some moral imperative."

"Becoming a doctor doesn't make you a healer."

"I don’t need verification from you to know that I’m doing my job well."

"Isn't it your birthday around now?"

"Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it's a lie?"

"You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty."

"As long as you’re trying to be good, you can do whatever you want."

"We all make mistakes, and we all pay a price."

[halsteadlover]

Just a little rant here about my personal life so feel free to skip lol

I know nobody is gonna read this and I’ll probably delete this when I’ll come to my senses but right now I feel so depressed I just need to get this out of my chest. I always felt tumblr like a safe space so here I am.

I don’t know if you remember the times where I took some time off because of anxiety and my mental health.

Lately it feels like it’s getting worse and I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if many of you will relate (I really hope not) but it’s just like I don’t know how to be happy and I really hate it here man. I’m so tired of feeling like this, always worrying and having anxiety about something I don’t even know about. I feel so crazy sometimes you know? Like there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m honestly so grateful for the things god gave me. I’m healthy, I have a loving family (even if sometimes they’re overbearing to the point of crazy), I get to study for my dream job, I have a bf that puts up with my ass, friends even if few of them, there’s nothing wrong there are so many worse things people go through and I don’t even have to right to rant about any of this. So why do I feel like I don’t deserve any of this?

I have such deep trust issues it’s ruining my life and relationships, I don’t know why. I hate myself and I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not that speciale and I’m so damn insecure that every good thing that happens in my life I can’t help but think it’s gonna fade in a minute, that something bad might happen, that I’m so easily replaceable.

Sometimes I truly think that if I disappeared no one would notice or miss me, I thought about doing it but I’m so damn scared. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe the bullying had something with it I don’t honestly know but I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Why can’t I just love me? Why can’t I enjoy a single good thing that happens to me? Why do I keep sabotage myself by thinking I don’t deserve any happiness and it’ll soon fade away?

For example, these last two days I took three different exams and even though I’m relieved I can’t help but think I’m such a failure, that my parents are so disappointed in me for taking so long to finish a degree I was supposed to finish years ago.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday morning while I was with my bf and I sobbed for hours while he held me but if you ask me what triggered it I wouldn’t know how to answer you.

Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?

It’s just a bit of everything and I honestly don’t know what to do.

But please don’t judge me. I’m aware these “problems” are nowhere serious like some others and I’m so sorry for being so dramatic it’s just… I don’t know guys, I just want to be happy, to feel loved without actually thinking about the worst.

Am I soo pretentious? Do I sound so ungrateful? Complaining about these things when I have everything some people unfortunately dream of? I don’t want to sound like that and I feel so guilty about having these thoughts.

I know you’ll think I’m an attention seeker, fishing for compliments or things like that, I’ve been told that before here and I’m so sorry if it seems that way but trust me it’s the opposite of that. I’m telling this here because I guess it’s easier behind the screen, when no one knows you and can really judge you, but I also thing you’ll judge me anyway but at least it was good for me to let this out.

If someone reads this I hope you won’t think of me any less, and if you’re feeling something like this too I’m so sorry and if you want to talk my inbox and DMs are ALWAYS open for you guys, I’m here even if it takes me some time to answer.

Sorry if something doesn’t make any sense, I didn’t even read this back I’m just cried my eyes out while writing this post and now I have a headache. At least I hope the sleeping will be good lmao.

But tomorrow will be better, I’m sure of this.

[pixeldistractions]

In the morning, Jordan put some aloe on his sunburn. It was time to get back to the grind.

The morning session went as well as it ever did, which was not to say he made much progress. There were no notable falls to mention, and nothing actually broke, but the sunburn made every movement torture. So he ducked out of the session a little early and went to hide.

He already had a favorite spot in the adventure park. It was a small rock ledge that was flat enough for sitting, covered by the shade of a lone tree, and had a spectacular view. He paid a hefty price tag for these classes, so he would rest when the climbing got the best of his bruised body and ego. The best part—this was the only spot in the park where he got a good cell connection.

He checked his texts. Maria had sent a picture and an emoji kiss. 😘

The emoji was sweet, but it left him wanting. Her pictures left him speechless, but also filled him with ache. He knew the real thing, and nothing less would do. Not anymore, not after six weeks apart. He wanted her real lips on his, her warm skin under his fingertips, he wanted to squeeze her supple thighs and wrap her legs around his hips.

As it turned out, they both wanted dates on the calendar.

He called her back.

“I have good news,” Maria said. “I mean, I hope you’ll think it’s good news. I can have five days off on November 5th. Steph said she’d cover some of my shifts after Justin finished his exams. Or else a weekend on October 22nd.”

“Really? That’s next weekend.”

“But the train ride is almost ten hours each way, so I’ll only get to see you for about… twenty-four hours?”

“I would absolutely pay good money to be able to touch you for twenty-four hours.”

“It would be cheaper if I can get someone to watch Johanna.”

“And more time for touching,” he said. “A better bang for my buck.”

“Hmmm,” she mused, “Why does this sound like hiring a prostitute?”

“Ha, I’m in Nevada,” he said. “It’s totally legal here.”

She giggled. “Can you afford that? The train tickets, I mean, not the prostitute.”

“Well, I mean, I could probably afford it once.”

“Once,” she said somberly.

“Or both? I’ll pick up some jobs. We can do both.”

“No, you don’t have to,” she said. “I mean, I can pay for one of them.”

“Then both?” He felt unreasonably excited. She could be here so soon, and that was more optimistic than he’d felt about anything in weeks. Just ten more days. “What do you think? Then I can see you next week… But, I guess, only for twenty-four hours.”

“Oh, God, it sounds awful when you say it like that,” she said. “Would you be okay with that? I don’t know if I can do that. Twenty-four hours together and then just, like, going home? How can we do that?”

Then, as if to torture him, the morning sun moved over the lone tree and blasted down its midday rays on his burnt skin. His favorite spot in the park now felt like the fires of hell.

“Wait, please try,” he pleaded. “Please? We’ll have so much fun, you won’t even think about it. And It’ll get easier. In December, training breaks for the winter, and I can come to Wisconsin for a bit.”

“How long is a bit?”

“Longer than five days, I promise.”

“And then? After that?” she wondered. “Weekends here and there. Twenty-four hours at a time. It’s not even really about the money. I don’t know if I can keep taking long weekends and vacations. Unless I quit my job.”

“I would never ask you to do that.”

“You wouldn’t?”

Somehow that must have been the exact wrong answer, because she went quiet in the way she did when she was trying not to cry. He knew the difference; he’d unfortunately been the reason for her crying a few times now.

“Maria? What is it?”

She was silent for seconds more, but he could hear her breathing, shaky and slow. Then she said, “It does feel like putting it back on the shelf. It’s going to feel that way every time.”

“I know,” he said. “And I’m so sorry. But are you still gonna come? You can think about it. If you want, we can just do the November week when you can stay longer. I don’t want you to be sad.”

“Well, now I’ll be sad if I don’t come, too,” she said.

“Okay, then come,” he said. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

He knew she wouldn’t be okay with this. He knew it before they even started. But he’d been hopeful when she wanted to convince him otherwise. Now there was a growing realization of what this would feel like long-term. It wasn’t the carefree dream life he imagined.

— from “boxes and squares #4.1: first fall apart” (2/5)

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[sanddusted-wisteria]

Earth and Sky, Ch. 4

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“Wis. Wis, Wis, Wis.” Heidi circled around, putting her hands firmly on Wis’s shoulders. “You just moved to one of the most inhospitable places in the whole Alliance! Now, I’m a native, so I don’t quite mind this place, but that’s ‘cause I have a home! A nice home an’ a nice office! When you’re out in a place like this, you gotta make yourself a nice, welcomin’ home! ‘Cause if you don’t got that place to go to when the goin’ get tough out here, it’ll be real rough on ya!” She let go of Wis’s shoulders, her expression softening. “An’ I know that ‘home’ looks different to everybody…but it looks like to you it has a big, beautiful garden! My job might be ‘architect’ on the business card an’ all… But I think I like buildin’ people homes the most! So I’m gonna help ya, and that’s that!” Wis blinked. Such a heartfelt speech…all because of a catalog page.

Also on AO3

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The bright midday sun was only intensified by the massive glass windows and the shiny metal surfaces of the Moisture Farm. It probably would’ve hurt Wis’s eyes, had it not been for the colossal man standing in front of her and Mi-an, blocking most of the light behind him.

“So. Planting.”

Wis and Mi-an stood at attention as Zeke handed both of them a funny-looking tool with a metal square at the end.

“You’re probably used to how they do things in more temperate areas. Not only is there more water, there’s more nutrients in the soil. Not here.”

He crouched down towards the planting plot in between him and the builders, laying out some straw around the edges. “Even if we use raised beds, we still gotta protect seeds from the environment and give them extra nutrients to grow. So we line our seeds up in grids and line them with straw. It’s the Straw Grid technique.” He stood up, lined his own weird square tool up with the edges of the soil grid, and drove it firmly into the ground. The straw was buried, the ends standing up like a mini fence.

“Oh…so if a sandstorm comes by, less of the soil gets blown away…” said Mi-an.

“Yep. And as the seed grows, the roots will hold the soil together a lot more. Which is good, since the straw decays eventually. And that matter gets recycled into the soil for nutrients. So this way, over time, we revitalize the soil to be more fertile for future growing.”

“Interesting…” muttered Wis. “We can’t just add fertilizer?”

“We can, but this way allows us to grow even when we don’t have fertilizer.” Zeke took some more straw out of the bundle that he had brought over and handed some to Wis and Mi-an. “Here. You try laying down a grid.”

Zeke made it look easy. Not only because he was far larger, but also because he’d probably done this thousands and thousands of times. It was hard to get the straw in deep enough, and evenly. Wis ended up hopping on her square shovel with both feet a few times like a pogo stick, which ended up working far better than just shoving it down like Zeke could. Mi-an, who was also struggling a bit, copied her.

“It gets easier with practice,” Zeke said, flat as ever, though Wis swore she could see a glint of amusement in his eye.

The grid laid out, Zeke took a packet of seeds out from one of his pockets. “After the grid gets put down, it’s fairly standard stuff. Bury the seed, but not too much, then give it a good amount of water.” The builders held out their hands, and he dropped several grains of unmilled sandrice into each. “Sandrice. Staple crop all across the Eufaula. Grows faster than a lot of the stuff we have, so it’s a good place to start. Both for you, and for the farm again.”

Wis was no stranger to planting, after years of chores on her Pa’s farm. Dig little holes with your fingers, drop the seeds in, and gently cover them back up.

“That’s pretty much all there is to it,” Zeke said when they all stood up again. “I’ll give you some seeds and a little water, and you’ve already got your planting kits. You can give it a shot when you’ve got the time.”

“Nice!” said Mi-an. “Thank you so much, Zeke!”

“Yeah, thanks. Haven’t gardened in a while, but this is interesting,” said Wis.

Zeke hummed, handing the two the promised sandrice seeds and a small bottle of water. “‘Course. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work. Still a lot of work to do with all these plots to fill.”

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Wis waved goodbye to Mi-an when they stepped off the yakmel cart at the train station, turned to head for home, and immediately froze in her tracks. She groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead. How could she forget?

Her property was tiny.

She could barely fit two of every type of machine into her yard and still have enough room to safely walk around. Anything she planted would either be perpetually in the shade of her house, or caught on fire by one of the furnaces.

Entering her yard and dropping her new planting kit off in her storage area, she looked around at the space she had (and didn’t have). Maybe…she could ask for a land expansion. Move the fence out beyond the southwest corner. Then she could move some things around, and set up a little planting area out in the back!

And all that lingered on her mind as she counted up 1000 gols and talked to Heidi a few minutes later about getting that expansion done. Abuzz with anticipation as Heidi was next door at City Hall getting the paperwork ready, Wis’s hands tapped and twitched, itching for something to do.

A furniture catalog on the table caught her eye. It would be a while before Wis had the means to expand her house itself and make room for more furniture, but hell, she was on a streak of dreaming up her dream home. No harm in browsing a little.

Inside were lots of nice furniture sets, from rustic to cute to almost industrial. But what caught Wis’s attention was the outdoor furniture section. First and foremost, a beautiful ivory pergola, pictured standing tall over a lush, wooded garden.

…A garden.

Wis hadn’t planted anything properly for ages. Sure, she took care of a couple houseplants back home, but a whole garden…small trees and bushes providing some much-needed shade, colorful flowers lining one entire edge of the yard, herbs and fruit and veggies fresh for the picking, a nice table and chairs under the pergola, covered by lush vines or ivy, or…

“Ooooh, plannin’ a garden?” A sheaf of papers gently set down on Wis’s shoulder. She looked up to see Heidi, smiling down at her.

“Heh. Just getting ideas. For now I should see if anything can grow at all out back.”

“Hopefully it does! Not too many people outside the Church folks and Zeke do a whole lotta planting out here, so it’d be nice if we can get even more greenery in this place.”

Wis hummed, and moved to shut the catalog to handle the paperwork, but Heidi quickly reached out and pointed at the page that Wis was just looking at. “Ohhh, that pergola’s real nice lookin’! Reckon if you get a lotta plants growin’, it’d make a great centerpiece! You wanna get that, too?”

“Ah…it’s a little…pricey,” Wis said sheepishly, eyes trailing down to the price tag: 1600 gols. Even more expensive than the land expansion. “Maybe later.”

Heidi hummed, brow furrowed. “How’s this? This catalog is for an Ataran store, so I place orders for folks. I can cover, say…a quarter the price?”

“W-what?” Wis’s eyes widened. “No, no, no, that’s fine, I’ll wait until I have enough for it.”

“Wis, c’mon! Your very own garden! You gotta have some good furniture in there to sit and admire all your hard work!”

“S-seriously, I’ll get it eventually. You shouldn’t need to pay a single gol for my side project…”

“Wis. Wis, Wis, Wis.” Heidi circled around, putting her hands firmly on Wis’s shoulders. “You just moved to one of the most inhospitable places in the whole Alliance! Now, I’m a native, so I don’t quite mind this place, but that’s ‘cause I have a home! A nice home an’ a nice office! When you’re out in a place like this, you gotta make yourself a nice, welcomin’ home! ‘Cause if you don’t got that place to go to when the goin’ get tough out here, it’ll be real rough on ya!”

She let go of Wis’s shoulders, her expression softening. “An’ I know that ‘home’ looks different to everybody…but it looks like to you it has a big, beautiful garden! My job might be ‘architect’ on the business card an’ all… But I think I like buildin’ people homes the most! So I’m gonna help ya, and that’s that!”

Wis blinked. Such a heartfelt speech…all because of a catalog page. “I, uh… Th-thanks. I’ll…pay you back then, when I get it…”

“Wis…” Heidi groaned, before standing tall over her and fixing her a hard stare. “I’ll say it again. When you get started on that garden, you will order that pergola, and you will get a 25% discount, and you will get the garden of your dreams. Am. I. Clear?”

A shudder ran down Wis’s spine. Her lips pursed. “Um. Y…yes! Understood…!”

In an instant, the warm smile was back on Heidi’s face. “Good! Now, let’s handle that paperwork, shall we…?”

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Dear Ma and Pa,

Sorry I couldn’t write last week. Things have been kind of hectic. Had to repair a watering machine for the local farm after it got attacked by a bunch of lizard…men. It was wild. Luckily that’s all settled down…not sure about the lizardmen, though.

But in other news, I learned how to plant stuff! Yeah, even out here in the sand. The growing technique’s a bit different than fields and greenhouses, since you need to account for the rough environment. Not sure what exactly can grow in someplace so arid, but the farm here’s got a bunch of different kinds of seeds that they’ve grown here for ages. Might try and experiment!

Hope you guys are well. Say hi to Nia for me if you see her.

Love you,

Wis

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Hi Honey!

Those lizards sound scary! We saw some pictures of them in the paper, but they were all from really far away. I hope you’re not fighting those lizardmen…be sure to stay safe! But wow, the farm situation sounds even more dicey! Not surprised that you need the oomph of a machine to be able to grow enough to feed an entire city out there. But that’s just the thing for you, isn’t it? It’s great that you’re finally being given lots of good work!

Wow. It doesn’t look right, seeing that little seedling just…in the sand. Incredible that the Sandrock settlers were able to survive that long without having to rely on imports. Nia happened to be over when we got your letter and pulled out the photos, and when she saw them, she immediately lit up! Apparently she and Prof. Luo are busy cooking up some seeds that are supposed to be hardier! Looks like the desert’s perfect testing ground for that. She says that she’ll write to you ASAP once she gets her hands on some seeds to send you.

In the meantime though, we’re sending over some of Pa’s berry seeds! Plus some snacks, of course. A nice, familiar taste of home. Well, assuming that you manage to grow it out there. Let us know how they grow! Hopefully your Pa won’t want to have you start selling crops out in Sandrock… Take care out there, okay?

Love,

Ma

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Wisty!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi hi hi!! I told the professor about how you started growing stuff out in the desert! He thinks it’s interesting! There’s not a whole lot of documentation on Sandrock’s growing techniques…guess no one else really cared about how the Sandrockers survived out there… Which sucks!! That stuff’s important to the Alliance’s history! Sandrock might be a tiny part of it, but it’s still a city with a lengthy story!

We still had some grant money left over for our seed project, so I’m gonna send you some of our stuff! And guess what…we have wisteria, too! So now you can go outside whenever you like and point at it and cackle and say that it’s you >:) (Still avoiding that corner of the Botanical Gardens out of pun-repulsed instinct…)

I’d say it’s a present, but since it’s on grant money I think I’m obligated to say that it is strictly research material. Uh-huh. Totally. Not a belated housewarming gift for my bestest friend. It totally is don’t worry about it

And I know what you’re gonna say, and NO, you don’t need to get me anything back. Well, nothing like a gift, anyway. All I need is some notes and pictures every week on how all the plants are doing! That locks it down as all research, and it’ll be on our grant’s tab!

I hope that everything grows! Maybe it’s the madness of finals, but all these plants and their seeds are kinda like my babies at the moment. But if not…well, that’s science, baby…

Your parents are both doing good, by the way! Went to your place out of habit last Saturday…brain still thinks we hang out all the time. Your Ma’s cooking’s still really good. Wish we could just pack a bunch of lunchboxes and ship them to you…without having them spoil in the burning hot desert…

Stay safe, okay? I keep hearing things about bandits and lizard creatures out there from the newspaper… Don’t go diving straight into trouble!!

XOXO,

Nia

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Wis, sweetie,

Another package for ya! I saw your Aunt Solanum and Aunt Mentha the other day at the market, and they asked me how you’ve been holding up! Well, I told them about that garden of yours that you’re planning, and they just about jumped for joy! They asked me to give you some of their seeds too. Pomatoes should do just fine, they can grow in garbage dumps…but maybe the desert sands will finally be the thing that tames the almighty mint. Or maybe not…best to still keep it in its own quarantine pot.

I thought that’d be the end of it, but then Solanum went ahead and talked to your Grandpa…and then Grandpa wrote to just about the entire surviving branch of the Cyprens family to get seeds… So you’ve got a lot of ‘em on your hands now!! Sorry for front loading you so much…tried to get all of them to send it to ya in batches, at least. It’s not like you’ve got the time or water to get everything up! But hey, at least you won’t have to worry about any more food shortages, hahaha!

Love,

Pa

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Hi Ma, Pa, Nia…

Thank you for all the seeds, but…I think I have enough now! It’s really generous of you and the rest of the family, but (and I say this as politely as I can) can you guys…not send any more?? If you could spread the word to the family too, that’d be great. I only just got my homestead expanded by like a couple dozen square feet. It’s not a proper farm! I don’t all of these to go to waste…

But I’ll plant a couple of these to start! Some of these I know already can be grown here from what I saw from what our farm has in stock. We’ll see how it goes…

Love,

Wis

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Two whole crates.

Two whole crates full of seeds, bulbs, and starter kits.

Ripping open her second cousin’s latest package of tulip bulbs, Wis regarded the crates with a sigh. She had enough to start a proper botanical garden with a farm on the side, and yet she only had the confines of her yard to deal with.

She’d already planted the sandrice that Zeke had given her, and it was taking well. The only question was what to plant next. Certainly not starved for options. The line of soil that Wis had tilled and gridded would only hold a fifth of all her seeds at most.

Reaching an arm in and shuffling around randomly, Wis picked out a seed sachet. Parsley from her aunt. An herb patch sounded nice…just about the only readily available seasoning around these parts was salt. Everything else had to be imported from elsewhere, and Owen and Arvio both sold them for a markup. Wis reached back in and grabbed a few more of her aunt’s seeds—rosemary, thyme, peppercorn, oregano…that was a good start. Two plots each.

Shuffling around some more in the crates, Wis pulled out a bag of daffodil bulbs. Nice colorful flowers on either side of the herbs… Out came the latest bag of tulip bulbs and a bag of hyacinth bulbs, and into the soil the bulbs went.

Next up was a bag of…wisteria seeds. Wis let out a snort on instinct. There she was. She put it back into the box. This absolutely had to go on the pergola. When she could get it. Plus, it would be a bad idea to have to deal with one of the most aggressive growers a gardener could have without any kind of dedicated structure for it.

On and on she went, shuffling through the crates and planting whatever chance had her pull. Most went into the ground plots, others went into pots that Wis carried inside. By the time she figured she had enough, one of the two crates was almost empty. She crammed everything into a single crate and dusted off her dirty hands. That should certainly do for now. She grabbed her watering can and opened the spout of her water tank. It filled only about three-quarters of the way before the glugging of the tank fell silent. Hm. It had been a while since the last refill.

Wis decided to empty the can first before deciding how much more she needed. She only managed to fully water three of the plots…of a dozen. Plus 7 pots. And with her machines, she was going to need—

“—35 units of water comes out to…800 gols…!” Burgess said with a strained smile as he typed everything into his cash register.

Wis flinched. “Ah. Well…maybe take out 5 of those…?”

“That brings it down to around 686… Are you sure you need this much?” Burgess’s brow furrowed. “I know builders need more water than most people, but this is a lot!” His eyes widened. “N-not that I’m accusing you of anything, of course! M-maybe it’s just a leak in your piping or something! I-I just want to make sure that not a drop of water gets wasted!”

“Eheh…I’m just trying to start a garden,” Wis said sheepishly. “I thought I was gonna start small and all, but I guess I just lost track…”

In an instant, Burgess brightened back up to his usual sunny self. “Oh, how lovely! More greenery is always great! No wonder you need all this. If I could, I’d give you a discount to incentivize growing and stuff, but that’s against the rules. And what kind of water supervisor would I be if I let anyone break the rules?! But for that garden, I hope you know that you have my full support!”

Wis waved a hand. “It’s fine. I’ll just take 20 units for now and start growing like half of them.”

“Right-o!” Burgess punched the new numbers in with gusto. “470 gols, then! Oh, but by the way…”

Wis looked up from fishing the change out of her wallet. “Hm?”

“It won’t get you a whole lot, but you can maybe make a dew collector or two to get a lil extra water! It adds up over time, trust me! And you’re a builder, so you can get one up lickity-split!”

“Dew collectors… What are they, exactly? Moisture extractors?”

“No…not quite like the Hydrogel in the moisture farm… It’s more like a tarp that dew settles on in the morning! Director Qi should have a diagram for it…he said something about having the ‘most optimal surface area’ for it, I think.”

“That does sound useful,” Wis said, handing over the gols. “From what I can tell, I’m gonna be needing a lot more water…”

“Seems so! A-and you shouldn’t have to be spending a bunch of money every week just for that… It supports the town, but you should support yourself, too!”

Wis let out a chuckle, loading a barrel of water onto her dolly. “Hopefully not! At this rate, my plants are always gonna get fed before me.”

“Ack-! U-um!” Burgess yiped. “Don’t—don’t starve yourself, please! Plants can always handle a little underwatering but—”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Wis exclaimed, waggling her hands. “D-don’t worry. But I’ll see about that dew collector…”

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“Builder.”

No hello, no greetings, no pleasantries.

Qi was working away at something, again. Always working. Sequestered away in this monolith of a building. He looked up when Wis pushed the front door open, still every bit as inscrutable as every time before.

But just as Wis was about to open her mouth, his brow raised. “Ah, right. The Hydrogel has been assembled, correct?”

Wis nodded. “Got it up two days ago.”

“I see. Everything in order then?”

Once again, Wis was just about to respond, but Qi plowed on anyway. “Actually, don’t answer that. I know my designs are flawless. There shouldn’t be any issues. Thankfully it was but a minor diversion from my main project,” he said nonchalantly, waving a dismissive hand.

Wis suppressed the urge to scowl. No thanks from her for the diagram, then. Clearly he could thank himself enough. Best to just press on, then. “Uh-huh. Well, I need a diagram. Burgess said you had one for a dew collector?”

“Oh, that? Yes. Five disks, then.”

Wis counted out the data disks as Qi held out a hand. “I got a bit overzealous with planting and—”

“I need not know the purpose of your request,” the director cut in. “Just give me the disks, and I shall fulfill it. This exchange needs nothing extraneous.”

Wis snapped her lips shut. Alright… Try to make idle conversation? Extraneous. But stand around in a dangerous ruin and blabbing about robots and time travel…?

She let out a huff as she passed the disks to Qi. The blip of irritation seemed to go unnoticed by Qi, who just gave her a curt nod. “Good. This will be in your mailbox tomorrow morning. Now, if you please…” His gaze flickered toward the door behind Wis.

She didn’t need to be told twice, shouldering her bag and turning to leave. “Yep. Thanks,” she muttered.

She shook her head once she was outside and well out of his view. Why was he always like this? Despite the relationship between researcher and builder being nothing less than pure collaboration, this one guy seemed to think that he was above it all. Everything seemed to bother him; everything seemed to be a waste of time. Everything except space and robots, evidently. Whatever scraps of civility he had were buried under a thick veneer of unspoken judgment, a ruling that no one outside of a place like Vega 5 would be able to pass. If he didn’t make such precise diagrams, including super important things like the Hydrogel, Wis would call into question the necessity of having someone like him in the town at all.

Returning to her yard, she slid her bag off next to her workbench with another sigh. That was just the way Director Qi Heng was, she supposed. From the way things sounded, he was a fixture of this town, despite how little he participated in it.

Wis took a deep breath in, and out, trying to let her simmering blood cool off. Patient. She needed to be patient. She just got here, and she was already getting huffy over someone that wasn’t immediately friendly. Maybe he was an ass, but if she was an ass as well, that wouldn’t help anything. She just needed to focus on building. And the people that actually seemed to care about her. Get Science Man’s errands done and over with, and stay out of his way.

Looking over her new garden patch, she pursed her lips.

She had better things to do than try and win the favor of Science Man, anyway.

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A/N: *Always Sunny episode title card* Wis attempts to win the favor of Science Man

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