#like my god. obviously i’ve Had my period at work before. it happens. but like. on the FIRST DAY??

[fingertipsmp3]

Dear God please don’t let my period coincide with my first day at my new job…..

[ghostedloverr]

|Hatred|

Rosita Espinosa x M!Reader

When hate turns to lust..or was it always lust?

Warnings: sexual content

1st person POV

(first time writing smut in a LONG time so bear with me)

Me, Rosita, Arron, and Maggie had been chosen to go on a supply trip, Maggie and Arron took one car while me and Rosita rode in another, Maggie thought it was best to cover more ground while I thought it was the stupidest fucking idea but of course there’s always some back door plan she has.

She’s been trying to get me and Rosita to get along since we met. I just can’t do it..she’s so insufferable. I glanced at her, taking my eyes off the road before looking back ahead. I.hated.her.

Period. Nothing was behind it, she was the worst to look at, even worse when her angelic voice filled my ears. I gripped the wheel tighter. “Fucking Maggie.” I thought to myself, I loved her but god I wish she didn’t do this. “Are we really gonna sit in silence the whole time?” Her voice, her fucking voice.

I shifted in my seat. “Yeah, I guess so.” I mumbled, not daring to look over at her. “Seriously.” She huffed. “I still don’t get why you hate me.” She whispered but I heard her. “You started it.” I countered. “What!?” She laughed offensively, I could tell she was looking at me. “You were the one who ignored me. Just up and out of nowhere decided I wasn’t good enough for your friendship or whatever.”

I remained silent, she wasn’t wrong. When we first met, maggie and sasha had found me in the woods very close to death. They luckily took pity on me and brung me to the group who luckily accepted me fairly quickly. When i met Rosita, I was star struck, i mean who wouldn’t be? She’s gorgeous.

I tried to remain friendly with her for the first month or so but my feelings just grew stronger but I assumed she would never see me in that same light, I mean look at her then look at me. She’d never go for me. So, I thought it would be best to just avoid her, hopefully get over these stupid feelings i have. That didn’t happen. She caught on I was avoiding her and instantly went defensive.

Soon we were at each others throats for no reason, I never meant anything i’ve said, just wanting to push her buttons and keep her as far from me as i can. Obviously right now it’s not working so well as she’s been sitting right next to me for the last week and we still have another week to go.

This first week was already stressful, yelling and bickering the whole time and when we weren’t we just didn’t talk. She seemed to be getting annoyed by that.

“See? i’m right, you don’t even have a defense.” She pointed out. “Shut up.” i gripped the wheel tighter. “Seriously, what changed. I know we weren’t super close but you just started avoiding me like a fucking plague. Did i do something?”

“Yes!” I talked fast before backpedaling. “I mean no!” She looked at me weird. I huffed and tried to focus on driving. “Stop there.” I glanced at where she was pointing. “Looks clear enough to set up a tent.”

We stopped in the middle of the woods. The area was circle enough for us to see if anything were to come at us. I grabbed my tent and started putting it up. “Where’s mine?” She asked. I looked at her confused. “Did you not grab it?” I asked. “What? you were supposed to grab it!? I picked up the food.” I laughed.

“It’s your tent. You should’ve grabbed it.” She glared at me. “We’ll now we’re sharing.” I looked at her crazy. “What?? no.” I finished the tent and stood up. “yep.” she said, popping the p as she placed her bags inside. I huffed and grabbed my bags.

“We should take a look around, see if we can find anything.” I said dryly. She nodded and grabbed her backpack and gun as I did the same. We started walking towards where we knew the nearest town was before we made it, we found a building in the middle of the woods. It was a cabin, looked like no one had been there in a while.

“Be carful.” I said as I opened the door and walked into, Rosita walking in behind me. We went separate ways as she went to the kitchen and i went into the living room. i glanced around a moment not really seeing anything till i heard shuffling then rosita yell and grunt.

I quickly ran to the kitchen, seeing a walker on top of her i moved and grabbed my knife. Grabbing the walker and pulling it off and to the side then stabbing it in the head. “No! I had it.”I heard Rosita yell as she stood up. I turned to her with a crazy look.

“Didn’t look like you had when he was inches apart from ripping your face off!?” I yelled back. She rolled her and took a step closer. “I had it just fucking fine! I don’t need you to save me!” I took a step closer this time. “Oh i should just let you get your face eaten off??” I laughed angrily. “I would’ve killed it?” She stepped closer again.

I paused for a moment, taking her in. My eyes trailed down from her eyes, then her nose, lastly her lips. I quickly trailed them back up to her eyes, but she wasn’t looking at my eyes anymore, she was looking at my lips. I swallowed. “Fuck you.” I whispered knowing she could hear me from how close we were.

Her breath hitched, her eyes moving back up to mine. She paused a moment before speaking. “God I hate you.” I couldn’t speak before her lips where on mine. It wasn’t soft nor delicate, it was hard and fast. It was lustful, my hands went to her waist and i pulled her closer to me. Her hands went straight to my hair, curling them into it and pulling at the strands. I backed her up into the kitchen counter.

She jumped up on the counter without breaking the kiss and then wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me closer. I pulled away for a moment, watching her chest go and up and down quickly, she was breathing heavily. I leaned down and started pressing kisses down her neck, my hands sliding under her shirt, to her stomach then back down to her waist and and over again.

She pulled me closer into her neck as i started to leave marks. I grounded my hips into her, both of us letting out a small moan. I pulled away from her and she instantly gripped at the hem of my shirt, I lifted my arms and took off my shirt, throwing it away. She ran her fingers down my back and pulled me back into another kiss.

I pulled away for a moment. “For some who said they hate me, you sure do seem to want this.” I smiled. “Shut up.” She quickly lifted her shirt off then her bra. I paused, taking her in. “you’re beautiful.” She looked up at me. She didn’t speak only pulled me into another kiss. I gripped her hips and unbuttoned her shorts, she lifted her hips and i pulled them off. I pulled away again, moving my lips down her next to her collarbone. she arched her back as i placed my lips around her nipple, licking and sucking as she gripped my hair.

I moaned as she pulled my hair, my hand playing with her another nipple before switching. After a minute I continued to move down, to her legs then her thighs, slowly kissing around. “Please.” I heard her whisper. I looked up at her as i sat on my knees. “Please what.” I asked as i trailed my fingers around her underwear. “Fuck me.” She looked down at me, her voice low and lustful. I breathed heavily and moved her panties off. I moved up to her and slowly did one lick of her clit.

She rutted her hips against my face as I started to move my tongue faster. “Fuck..” She moaned. God I loved the noises she made, I wanted to put them on a soundtrack and be able to listen to them forever. It wasn’t long before she was moving her hips faster and moaning louder. “Come on Rosita, your doing so good.”

She arched her back up and moaned load as she came. I licked her clean, slowly to help her come down from her high. “You okay?” I asked her as I stood up. She slightly smiled at me. She sat up and kissed me. “I want you inside me.” She whimpered. My breath caught at the thought. “here?” I asked. She nodded. “I can’t wait anymore.”

I pulled back slightly, sliding off my pants then my boxers. I watched as she reached her hand down to my cock, sliding her over it and slowly stroking. “fuck.” I groaned, placing my hands on the counter as i slightly leaned forward. I reached my hand down and took over then i slide over her folds, we both moaned.

I slowly started to push inside, she gripped my hair tighter and moaned loudly. I stopped about halfway. “God your so big.” She whimpered and signaled for me to keep going. I slowly pushed in the rest of the way. I stopped again for a moment and looked at her to see if she was okay. “I’m good.” she smiled and nodded.

I slowly started to move my hips back and forth. Slowly at first but i began to push faster. “Fuck.” she let out a throaty moan. I groaned and moved my hips faster. “You feel so good Rosita.” I talked lowly. “Y/n” She moaned, moving her hips in synced with mine.

“I’m gonna-“She didn’t finish before she came undone, I kept moving my hips. “Come on pretty girl you can give me one more” I kissed the side of her neck. She moaned loudly. I could tell she was about to come again as she got louder and louder.

“Fuck-“ She was again cut her self of as she came. I pulled out and slowly stroked myself as I came with her. I reached my hand down to help her through it. I was breathing heavily but i quickly moved and unzipped my bag, grabbing a small towel and a water bottle. I stood back up and placed the water beside her. “For you, if you want it.” I said as I used the rag to clean us up. She smiled at me and took a sip.

I pulled up my boxers then my pants. I reached down and grabbed her shorts. “Thank you.” I smiled and stepped back. “We should bet back to camp.” She sighed and nodded. Grabbing her stuff and what we found.

Back at camp she sat on the ground as i was cooking us the rabbit we caught on the way back. “You okay?” I asked worriedly, she say starring at the dirt not saying anything. Was she regretting it? Was it only sex to her?

“Why do you hate me?” She asked after a moment. I froze. For a moment I thought about lying but that would get us nowhere. I sighed and turned to her. “I don’t.” I said sincerely. She huffed. “You don’t act like you don’t”. I looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry okay? I know I started ignoring you and I didn’t give you explanation why.” I looked back up at her. “Why’d you do it?” she asked.

“I was scared.” I confessed. “What? scared of what.” She looked so confused. “I really liked you Rosita.” I looked towards the ground. “I really like you.” “Like?” i huffed. “Like I wanted to kiss you since i saw you, you so sweet and a totally badass I mean who wouldn’t like you! but I didn’t think you’d you know..” I didn’t dare to look up. “like you back?” I heard her shuffle closer.

“We’ll your wrong.” I looked up. “I do like you.”My breath caught. “I didn’t hate you, I just thought you hated me.” She didn’t let me speak before she kissed me. I smiled and laughed. “So i’m an idiot?” She laughed. “A big one.” I scoffed, faking offense. “Your not supposed to agree.” I huffed jokingly causing her to laugh.

[three-taikas-in-a-trenchcoat]

OFMD Season Timeline

(Obvi season 2 spoilers)

TL; DR: there’s like a month in between episode 5 and 6.

This ended up being a little longer than I planned but there’s pics you can stare at longingly, so that helps, right?

I’ve seen a lot of people assuming that each episode of the show is like the next day and so Stede and Ed having sex would have happened like a day after they agreed to go slow.

But I think it had to have been at least a a couple of weeks and here’s why:

Remember how Ed had to wear the bag (and collar) of shame until people felt comfortable around him?

In episode 6 Ed is back in his regular clothes and everyone seems much more comfortable around him. When Jim and Frenchie approach him and Stede about the party, they even greet them as “captains” (plural), which I sincerely doubt they would have done if they still hated him.

Additionally when Ed and Stede walk into the party, everyone greets them both with drinks and happiness. The animosity, jumpiness, and fear seem to have been resolved or put aside.

This wouldn’t have happened in a short period after everything the crew went through. I know Olu, Jim and Archie were more chill about his return later in episode 5, but it wasn’t the friendliness and camaraderie we see here.

I take episode 6 to have happened at least 1-2 weeks, if not longer after 5. Personally I don’t think I’d get over someone trying to kill me that quickly, but hey, I’m not a pirate.

Additionally, let’s talk about our favorite unicorn for a second:

This is Izzy’s scar in episodes 5 and then 7 (taking place the day after 6)

Waaaaaaay too healed for just a day or even 2. I’ve had numerous surgeries. My scars from surgery 3 weeks ago haven’t even shown that level of improvement. I get Unicorns are magical, but he isn’t Buttons.

Additionally, the way Izzy is so relaxed around Ed… no way has it only been a day. He just got his leg amputated, what like a week before 5? He shouldn’t even be walking on his unicorn leg at that point (but we will ignore that because he and the leg are beautiful). The scene with Izzy and Ed is calm and bitchy in the way you are with siblings and old friends when you get over a small fight. I feel like it might take a little longer to forgive or even be in the presence of the person who tortured you and your crew and took your leg (among other things).

He also tells Stede that he sees how good he and Ed are for each other. That it took a long time to realize it but he does. When did he realize this? In the middle of a storm they thought would kill them? While he was passed out during an amputation? During his bender in episode 4?

That’s all me projecting, I know. Let’s be honest that’s what meta posts like these are a lot of the time (but god I love them).

The only episodes that seem to be exactly a day apart are 3, 4, and 5. And obviously 6 and 7.

So TL; DR: there’s like a month in between episode 5 and 6.

Any additional timeline things you have for season 1 or 2 are great!

Edit: someone pointed out Pete and Lucius’ 24 hour sex spree after getting engaged and this shoots my theory, but maybe they’ve done multiple sprees?

Idk the relationships between all of them are so much more comfortable now and too quickly if it really has been only a day. It kind of feels like we’re missing an episode in between 5 & 6 that would have transitioned everything more smoothly. I still blame this entirely on HBO cutting 2 episodes and not on the writers who were trying to work with what they had.

[entropy-game-dev]

Alpha testing, v0.11a & patchnotes: The dark side of RNG

In the v0.10a build blog that L had tested, I had mentioned that the enemy AI’s targeting was not working, and they were mainly using defensive moves or otherwise acting passively. Well, as you’ll see in the patchnotes below, the AI was indeed turned on, which led to some... interesting developments.

Ye olde RNG

It’s always valuable to get feedback from new players, as both M, Z, and myself were quite familiar with the game now. Over subsequent iterations testing, the early game may have become a bit overtuned, in the enemy’s favor. These included:

Flat stat increases per level rather than a logarithmic curve that front-loads the stat gains

Slightly increased encounter rate in the first area

Slight debuffs to the overtuned starting moves

Now, considering this is an SMT-style game, I am perfectly fine with the early game being a bit of a rough start until you get a full party. However, the starting area’s  RNG in SMT games are a lot gentler to compensate, whereas here one has to deal with:

1 or more enemies spawning from any faction

RNG part drops

and RNG recruitment chances.

And on the whole, I was correct in that on average, one was statistically likely to make decent progress during the early game. A few levels and any gear drops generally makes fights much more even, but the downside of using RNG as a mechanism to add variation and excitement to the game means that sometimes, you just get unlucky. Of course, I consider running from encounters a necessary part of the game, but running away all the time when first starting out isn’t very fun!

A great suggestion L had to remedy this was to only allow certain weak enemies to spawn in the first area. This will ensure that one will have encounters tuned to their specific level of power, and the reduced variance in enemies will ensure that they can build a general strategy to deal with the units in the area. I’ll be working on implementing this later on.

Visual clutter

The worse your Astronaut’s condition is (low health, energy, oxygen, number of bad status effects) means a worsening of visual effects. My design reasons for this are numerous but in short, it serves as a warning to the player, it adds immersion, and it adds a small amount of visual difficulty. While I stand behind these decisions, I can understand not everyone will appreciate this, and especially in the early game where one is trying to learn the game, adding this visual noise is likely to add to the frustration, and detract from learning the rules of the game.

This definitely affected my friend L, and as such I’ve allowed one to set the intensity of the effects to zero (previously you could only go as low as 5%). Furthermore, I have another option planned that lets you customise the amount of time the screen stays glitched before it goes away. Purists (like myself) can set this to 100% of the time for a challenge, while those that aren’t keen on them can set them very low, or off if desired.

I’m sad to see that my effects were not as well-received as I’d hoped, but that’s the whole point of testing! M and Z didn’t mind it as much, which was interesting. Obviously, the glitching isn’t going anywhere, but now it can be removed if one so desires!

And that’s about it for these notes - you’ll be seeing a couple more playtest blogs in rapid succession because I happen to be a god at fast turnarounds (not really, it’s just that I fixed a lot in this version and the next couple of tests were quite short). Patchnotes, as always, are below:

v0.11

Features:

Routine now tells you why it is unavailable

Mouse cursor now becomes hidden after a period of it not being moved

Controller right stick now moves the mouse cursor!

Shows kmown enemy affinities during move selection

Shows targeting locations during move selection with enemy dimming

Mouse controls for selecting planets!

Mouse controls for choosing attack target!

Added doors! (Sprite + turning + tooltip)

Polish:

Darkened move text if it's on cooldown

Changed destroyed icon's colour based on team in routine summary

Enemy AI doesn't prioritise applying an already-applied status effect

AI doesn't kill themselves unless their cost is like way above their remaining hp

Carpet bomb's description changed: "standing on the ground" -> "in the lower row"

Turned down frequency of visor effects

Added tutorial about scanning enemy more than once

"hopes and miracles" -> "miracles, hopes, and dreams"

When mouse tooltip is shown, the mouseover stat panel is hidden

Move kamikaze flag in movedb now flags when a move that costs HP should be used when on very low hp

Made AI control limit message imply it can be increased later on

Stopped mouse interaction during the gameover sequence

Allowed mouse clicks to advance the gameover sequence

Slowed tutorial spam

Made right click during targeting selection cancel it (until you mouse over the attack menu again)

IN TRANSIT now appears when flying

Bugs:

Welding now available to use on bottom row

AI AOE grid generation working now

Right icon displayed for AM cost on move window & ammo not overriding EN cost now

Stopped battles occuring inside a wall

Mouseover move icons in equipment panel now working

Move mouseover now refreshes when you swap parts

Fixed aerospike engine no item sprite

Fixed script picking a logid greater than the max log

Fixed picking picking a log part greater than the max number of log parts

Stopped crash related to equips grid when summoning a unit

If you get teleported down a floor and are looking at a feature, that feature does now appears

routines/null/ now is routines/<parttype> when looking at parts in ship storage

Fixed the %max resource increase/decrease status effects

Fixed big bug with how stats were being refreshed with the "always" trigger - rolled this into the stat refresher script

Fixed move costs not appearing when shown on character status panel

Fixed move panel crashing when selecting defend/retreat

Fixed deadzone calculations and stopped R stick from being used as controls as it controls the mouse

Units will correctly prioritise moves that give units a status effect they don't currently have

Fixed targeting issues where the user moves before the move happens

Fixed routine summary not working properly for elemental bursts

Element now revealed properly on burst and on 0 damage attacks

Fixed teleporting not updating the minimap

Stopped "see trap" tutorial triggering on the spawn tile

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios Adventures

“I think I can kinda feel something working. It’s stronger now that Ewan’s around. Can you feel it too?”

Theo rocked back on his feet and placed another cupcake in his mouth. Things were going slowly so far-too slowly. At this rate, they would never find out if Ewan was related to Adam and Remy. He’d be at home in bed for the night before any signal got back to his stalkers.

“Your dad makes the best cupcakes. Like seriously, these are amazing.”

After their encounter with Roman in the kitchen, Theo had “accidentally” liberated a plate of cupcakes intended for the dinner. The frosting was intricate, homemade and incredibly addicting. Adam would ask for the recipe if he thought there was an actual chance of him replicating the delicious treats, but only Roman it seemed had the skill to pull them off. Saturnia might learn it in time given her skill set, but for now, Roman was the only way to access the desserts he had become known for. Stealing a whole plate of them was so amazing a find that it almost overshadowed their important work. 

Once they’d found a tea set stocked with expensive tea in the queen’s old rooms, the two boys began to relax. This clandestine operation was on track so far and aside from some slow magic slowing them down, things were going okay.

“So these were the rooms of Queen Celeste? The witch who tried to kill Death along with the Strangetown cult...er, I mean coven? This is an amazing suite! I wonder what else she had stored around here?”

Adam lowered his eyes to the floor, obviously distracted by Theo’s words. Far too late, Theo realized that he was speaking dismissively about the “restructuring” the Strangetown coven had had to undergo. The coven his mother was single-handedly keeping together because of her brother’s actions.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Adam,” Theo said quickly. “I wasn’t thinking. Are you okay being here where one of the leaders of the coven lived? I just assumed that because it was empty, we could-”

“It’s fine, Theo,” Adam reassured his boyfriend. He sipped his tea quietly for a moment. “That all happened before I was born. I never knew any of them, but my mom was devastated when they died. I still catch her crying sometimes when she thinks she’s alone. She probably couldn’t be here in this room, but it doesn’t really bother me. Well, actually no. It makes me sad. Sad and angry that my uncle and her friends could do that to her. The world can be a really horrible place sometimes.”

“You’re telling me,” Theo laughed awkwardly. “I get it. Thank god my grandmother is dead, or whatever did happen to her. At least I don’t have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for her in dark, secret corners. Having some closure makes things easier for your mom, I’d imagine.”

“Yeah, that definitely helps.”

After a long pause, Theo asked the question that had been plaguing him for a while.

“So what happens if this guy is your long lost brother? Does anything change?”

“I guess Winterfest plans change,” Adam sighed, picturing having to spend an extended period of time with the annoying Ewan. “We see him on family dinner night maybe? I don’t know. My dad’s not that hard to get a hold of, Theo. If his mom really wanted to let my dad know she was pregnant, then I can’t see why she couldn’t have done that. I mean, even Queen Claudia can be reached reliably through the right channels and my dad isn’t anywhere near as important as she is. This whole thing felts weird.”

“Ewan feels weird,” Theo agreed. “Can you sense some of what I’m feeling when he’s nearby? It’s like he’s empty, magically just nothing. I’ve never met someone like that before.”

“Hmmm, I can maybe feel a little bit of what you’re feeling, yes. It’s not as intense as I thought it would be.”

Theo nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, my parents always acted like blood connections were this horrible, dangerous thing,” Theo confided. “I think probably because their connection was so damaged and warped by the end that it was dangerous for them. If anything, this pact is barely a magical trickle of energy. It’s boring and ineffective. Next time we try a harder spell.”

“There’s going to be a next time?”

Adam chuckled while Theo flushed with embarrassment.

“Yeah, I mean maybe, if you want to...I’m not really expecting- well that is-”

“Relax Theo, I’m teasing you,” Adam laughed, easing Theo’s anxiety. “Maybe there will be a next time, maybe there won’t. I’m okay with either if everything is safe. We make a good team.”

Theo poked at the crystal that they’d brought with them and a suspicious amount of salt he’d taken from the kitchen when his father was distracted by the mystery of his missing cupcakes. Adam was obsessed with crystals, probably more than even a practicing member of the Crystal Cove coven was. He had an anxiety soothing crystal (which Theo thought was a scam for how useful it was at soothing Adam’s worries), a crystal to relieve headaches during exams, a crystal to find missing items in their dorm, a crystal he used to predict pop quizzes (which Theo was also skeptical of) and a crystal for enhancing spells. There were probably many other crystals that Theo had yet to find, along with stones from their many walks in the forest that he insisted were “special”. This crystal was supposedly going to enhance the blood pact and kick it into gear so they could finally get a clear answer about Ewan...if it worked.

“Well, here goes nothing.”

Theo flipped to a certain passage in his text book and read the latin inside, calling for their blood connection to be increased to solve the question their pact was formed to answer.

For a minute, nothing happened and Theo poked once more at the crystal in front of him angrily.

“Do you see anything? I think maybe I do. Is the room getting more blue to you? The walls look blue now.”

Theo paused to consider Adam’s words. The walls maybe did look oddly coloured all of a sudden. He could feel a strong pounding noise echo through his head. Almost like a drumbeat urging him into action.

“I have to go find Ewan,” he exclaimed, standing too quickly and faltering. “This is working, or at least I hope it is. Something is happening. I have to go!”

Adam stared nervously as Theo bolted from the room. His head did feel a little funny, but nothing like Theo was describing. If he were to write a paper on the experience for class, he would have to assume the pact was working as intended. Theo was using the spell on himself while receiving information on the bloodline that Adam was broadcasting, so it was reassuring that Theo was having the stronger reaction. If Adam had been as driven as his boyfriend to go find an answer to their question, he would have to assume that the connection made between them was faulty and that he and Theo had merged incorrectly. Not only did this information make him worry less about their spell work, but he was also incredibly proud of his boyfriend. Very few people could do blood magic and even fewer could do it correctly. Theo was going to be one of the standout students in their age bracket without any doubt.

“Can I have a pink one? I really like the pink kind.”

Victoriana stared at the collection of treats before her, her eyes lighting up at every selection. Roman had outdone himself, likely to impress the ruling monarch of the largest country and her family. Well, Victoriana was very impressed. She had already tried two different pastries and licked the spoons in the frosting mixing bowl clean, clearing a path to the cupcakes. Each one was a work of art with dazzling designs and specially designed toppings and if she’d been left unsupervised in the room, they would have all been eaten long before her mother had joined them.

“You don’t want to ruin your dinner,” Roman chided softly. “I worked hard on that too and I think you’re going to like it.”

“Does it have peas in it? I don’t like peas. I could just skip the peas and eat a cupcake now. I can’t spoil something I’m not going to eat.”

Roman smiled at the preteen, seeing so much of Theo and his girls in the young princess. If he had a dollar for every bargain Theo had tried to make to avoid eating vegetables, he wouldn’t be worrying about supporting his restaurant like he was.

“Sorry princess, but your mom’s the boss and she says no skipping dinner for cupcakes. You can help me start the cake icing if you want though. It should be- oh, goddamn it!”

Roman swore far too loudly for a dignified palace when he stumbled and watched the cupcake in his hands fly through the air, ruining a solid twenty minutes of work.

Theo ran down the stairs, not even hiding the fact that he was running from within the forbidden area of the castle.

“Remy! Remy!”

Remy looked irritably at Theo as he stormed into the room, thankfully sparing her the need to think of something mundane to talk about with their target.

“Theo, thank god. What took you so long? Were you and Adam making out somewhere when you know that you had a prior commitment? I can’t stand this anymore. It’s not even possible that I’m related to this guy, he’s an asshole.”

Ewan didn’t look surprised to hear Remy’s frustrated confession and ordinarily, that would have sent Theo spiraling to think up a new story. But now?

His heartbeat thundered in his temple as he tried to make sense of the scene before him. Remy and Ewan sat on a couch, barely hiding their disdain for each other. He blinked and saw an entirely different scene before him, one he could hardly fathom.

Blood pulsed through their veins and Theo could feel Remy and Ewan’s heartbeats as strongly as his own. Remy’s blood pressure was rising with her anger. She was born in Pleasantview, he could see her ties to the land, where she’d began. Her paternal great-grandmother’s name was Remy and they both had black hair and the same freckles. He could see both Remy’s in his mind as clearly as if they were standing side by side before him. Her maternal great-grandfather Adam Thompson stepped into view as well as her paternal great-grandfather Prince Adam Walter. Their names seeped out of them, ebbing into Theo’s mind. The two Adams joined hands and pointed at Theo’s now glowing hand that had been linked to Adam Darktide and suddenly an image of his own Adam stepped into view. Blood called to blood and names called to names; everything was connected.

He turned his eyes to Ewan, who was still eerily staring at him. His name was Ewan MacLeod and he’d been born in Pleasantview to Lynette MacLeod. Two Remys and three Adams turned to welcome him into Theo’s sight. 

“Ewan.” Theo whispered the word into life and watched several new lights spark into existence like tiny beacons of flames. Prince Ewan and Ewan Jr Goldman appeared, but Theo looked past them. That wasn’t the branch of the Maricourt-Darktide  family tree he was interested in. No, he wanted Ewan G Lind Maricourt, Adam and Remy’s father. 

The Maricourts were a secretive family and several members had just a single G hung in their name, seemingly just to frustrate those who sought out their true names. If Theo concentrated, using his connection to Adam, he could get a sense of the vague shape of the G starting name, but nothing came clearly into vision. It was an interesting tactic for self defense, one that Theo envied. Adam didn’t know the name either, which just raised more questions for the teen. Did the children named with the mysterious G name know what it stood for? Did they learn it before they passed on the name to their children or had the true name been lost to the centuries? Was just “G” accurate enough to provide protection against blood magic if no one knew the actual true name or did “G” become the true name if no one remembered what it stood for? This was a question Theo vowed to raise with his teachers later on. There was so much to see and learn with blood magic and he’d barely scratched the surface of his abilities. Why had he never tried practicing his spells on this scale before? Surely this must be how Life and Death saw the universe, each little spark igniting a chain reaction until the entire universe revealed its secrets.

Theo somehow pulled himself away from the Maricourt naming dilemma to the Maricourt family dilemma. It wasn’t easy. He could stare at the interconnections in his world for centuries and still not learn it all.

He watched as Ewan G Lind Maricourt settled back into view, holding his hand out towards the burning brilliance of Adam and Remy. A spark floated by them echoing Miruna’s name and Theo let it pass. He was getting closer. His own voice called out to him, repeating the name he’d used to create the pact in the first place.

“Ewan, uh, Maricourt?”

It wasn’t exact. Every Ewan in Adam’s family tree rose again to obscure his view. He squeezed his eyes shut, focused as hard as he could and repeated the name. The blood in his veins boiled as the magic rebelled against him. A sharp pain burned its way into his mind, but it was becoming clearer. His target was Ewan MacLeod, child of Pleasantview, child of Lynette and child of Ewan G Lind Maricourt.

Theo gasped at the strength of the connections before him. Ewan MacLeod blazed beside his siblings with the intensity of a star. He had been telling the truth all along; he was Adam’s brother.

His teachers would tell him to stop there now that he had his answer, but Theo was hooked on the revelations before him. Curious, he turned his attention inward. He might never get another chance to see himself like this, or at least not until he was almost graduating school. It was eerie seeing his own existence stretched out before him.

Theodosius Ulysses Bellamy, born in Arkhelios in a small section of land surrounded by dark churning water. Darkness surrounded him. He could feel the weight of the curse he had been born with just as intensely as he remembered it. It tied him to Abraham Helios Sr and the death that awaited him by a demon’s hand, to the curse seared into the flesh of Romanus Bellamy. Death and hatred surrounded Theo, clouding his vision. He felt the slow burning hatred of his ancestors, ancestors who harboured this hatred for Theo as well. They wanted him dead. He was supposed to be dead.

“Theo? Are you okay? You’re kind of creeping me out here.”

Remy’s words of concern faded into the background, irritating the young teen but not penetrating the haze he found himself in. There was something strong pulling to him and he needed to follow it with every molecule in his body, safety be damned. An image of his great-uncle Hunter Bellamy floated towards him, slowing him down. Hunter had been born Theo Helios and Theo himself had been named to honour this fact. He never really saw Hunter Bellamy due to his terrible relationship with Roman, but Theo could still sense his connection to the man. Their true names were both Theo which joined them both in blood and by name. Theo didn’t know the first thing about Hunter or his life, but the connection between them was strong.

He could feel the warmth of his father’s light burning in the castle down the hall, calling to him. Just as Ewan and Adam and Remy circled their father, Theo was called to his. Pain jolted through him as the memory of his curse wrapped around his body, seeking re-entry. This wasn’t right, the curse had been broken years ago, or so he’d believed. This all consuming darkness hadn’t left him. It called to every part of him, longing to be reunited. He had developed as a fetus with the darkness pressing itself into his very being; he could feel the inevitability of its return in his very soul. It had been a part of him that was amputated, but a still a part of him all the same.

Theo removed himself from the room somehow, whether by walking or teleporting or even just magically floating away from the Darktide family, he couldn’t be sure. He could hear laughter calling to him even stronger.

The princess was laughing at his father, who now had cupcake smeared along the edge of his coat and a frustrated expression.

The words Romanus Bellamy called to him, intertwining with the brilliant light standing beside him that spelled Victoriana. Victoriana had many names and many titles, but she was young and unguarded enough for Theo to see past those, far closer to her true name than he should ever be. Through Adam’s connection to his newly discovered half-brother, Theo had learned more about Ewan’s identity. He had a devastating suspicion about why he could see through the titles of the crown princess of Pleasantview. Of why she shone so brilliantly next to his father. He had gone searching for an answer to Adam’s family mystery and revealed a crushing answer of his own by accident. Just when he thought that his respect for his father couldn’t get any lower.

Theo was the half-brother of the future monarch of Pleasantview. His father had been hiding this secret all this time; hiding this shame. When was Theo going to find out about this? Was his father ever planning to tell him? Did his other father know?

He could feel the darkness that surrounded him pull him closer. It brushed against his eyes, swirling in his nostrils as he inhaled the anger and hurt and fear he had been made for. Perhaps this was why his teachers urged him to not actively practice blood magic until he was older. He remembered vividly being overwhelmed as a child when he ran away from home and tried practicing blood magic untrained. He had almost died back then. Maybe the curse he’d spent his entire life running away from would kill him now. It didn’t matter, not really. 

Theo could faintly hear the sound of his father’s voice call to him, but it was too late. He was underwater, drifting away into the comforting embrace of the curse that had been custom made just for him. He couldn’t feel the anger anymore; he couldn’t feel anything really. The last thing he remembered before losing consciousness was the sound of Adam’s voice, calling him desperately back to safety.

[leia-organaa]

Okay so I’m back and only a really spectacular piece of media could bring me back to fandom life. I’m talking about Moving (무빙) (2023). Warning: spoilers ahead.

Wow, this show. So, so, so good. I know the whole teenagers with superpowers and protective parents vs evil shady government/bad guys thing has been done before in different ways, but this one still felt so refreshing in its approach. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m biased towards kdramas, but there’s something about this show that its western predecessors like Heroes and Stranger Things etc. don’t have, and I think it is its distinct cultural and political identity that makes it unique.

To be honest, I didn’t catch the show when it was initially released last year because life caught up to me, and I regret not being there during its height of popularity. I just binged it in two days during a holiday break because the Baeksang nominees came out recently, and got curious because of the list. I have no regrets losing sleep over it. It was genuinely exciting and heart-wrenching, and so beautifully made. Thank you, Disney+, for the big budget, and for letting Kang Full adapt his work.

Anyway, I don’t really want to make a whole essay about how good the show was so I’ll just list down my thoughts and ramblings.

Jo In Sung is gorgeous. I already knew that prior to this show but he makes such an excellent Doosik, a smooth and dangerous spy with superpowers, who can be tender and romantic at the same time.

Han Hyo Joo — love her. So pretty as a spy, and to see her transform into a mousy single mother who is simply trying her best? Amazing.

Doosik and Mihyun’s storyline is my favorite. Spies who fall in love, and in the nineties? Omg. Mulder and Scully, seriously. The retro styling and production design was well done, too. Not cartoonish or obviously fake like they do in some kdramas. You can see there was genuine effort made to make it look somewhat realistic and believable to have been set during that time period. Maybe the shoulder pads and women’s blazers could have been slightly bigger, but the hair and unflattering trousers on Mihyun and Doosik’s and Juwon’s oversized coats? The filters? Excellent.

Back to their storyline. The set up was so good. The way it developed was so natural. The cutlets! Those trees! Their life together! All the tender feelings! God. What a beautiful couple. I love them. I want them to be happy. It broke my heart that their lives were stolen away from them.

There is a reason why Ryu Seung Ryong was nominated and why he is a legend. That man is a force. He is a beast. Juwon is their Wolverine. But my favorite parts are when he is being an awkward suitor then husband to Jihee and loving dad to Huisoo.

Lee Jung Ha’s smile as Bongseok can light up the world. What a sweetheart. I’m excited to see what happens next for him in the sequel (there will be a sequel, right?).

Cannot wait for Huisoo to become even more badass than she already is. If she takes after both her parents, she’d be terrifying.

Ganghoon is definitely the kind of guy I would have had a crush on at that age. Handsome, mysterious, a good son. Kind of sucks to see him turn into the very thing all the parents wanted their kids to avoid, but seems like he has the potential to be the new Doosik.

Now that I’ve read the story behind Hyewon, okay, I’m really intrigued to see where this goes.

Kim Sung Kyun as Ganghoon appa! My Reply 1988 heart.

The North-South conflict really gives the show its distinct flavor. The espionage is cool and all, but the traces of commonality give the show a lot of heart and humanity. I like how a lot of South Korean media humanize the enemy. It’s a reminder that they were one people a long time ago.

How does this have only 40-something fics on AO3????? Please, people, this deserves everything.

I had a lot more thoughts on this as I was watching but these are what stuck. I really hope to see more of these characters, hopefully soon, but I’m also interested to explore the other stories in this same universe that Kang Full has created.

[weasleywhimz]

A Scheme for a Set Up (part 1) - An Eventual George Weasley Love Story

This is a two part instalment, it was starting to get a bit long, so I’ve cut it up into two. I tried my best proof reading but I don’t have anyone to check it for me so apologies for any typos! I’m still editing part 2 but I hope it won’t take long to post.

When I was in school there was always at least one guy, if not a group of friends, who could always get things without ID somehow. Fred and George definitely fit this kind of vibe

Word Count: 3.8k

Rating: fluff, mentions of underage alcohol use, awkward teenage romance

As the summer months approached, and her friends became more available as their exams ended (although Fred and George didn’t seem as absorbed in their exam period as Lee and the older girls), Francesca was grateful for the returning excuse to avoid most of her year group, and therefore any interest in what happened with her and Cormac.

Following the humiliating night, only a few days after the Quidditch cup win, Francesca had tried to avoid spending much time in the Gryffindor common room. Try as she might, she couldn’t completely pretend nothing had happened, since a huge number of the house had seen her red eyed, snot nosed entry to the tower after the break up, and Cormac returning not long after. The whole house had either put two and two together, or Cormac had answered questions, but as soon as the next morning came Francesca’s intention to pretend nothing, not even the relationship had happened, was obviously not going to work.

It was easier when her friends happily welcomed her back to spending her free time with them, and respected her demand to never ask about or discuss any part of her being with Cormac. But when study sessions and library nights had to become more frequent (at least for Angelina and Alicia, who tended to be the mother hens of the group, and herded the boys into the same corners), Francesca found herself wondering around alone. Often Katie joined her, but Katie didn’t have the same awkwardness with their year group that Francesca currently felt, so she wasn’t avoiding the rest of their cohort like Francesca was. She felt eyes on her and questions burning even when she just sat with anyone who knew both her and Cormac, and even took to sitting right at the front of class, under the teachers’ noses to avoid the whispered questions she had faced in the first few days in her usual seats.

So she was beyond relieved when Fred and George plopped down either side of her, declaring an end to their exams.

“Ah great, a whole weekend out of isolation,” Francesca drawled sarcastically, not wanting to feed their egos of letting on how grateful she was for the few days before they all headed home for the summer.

“A weekend and a Friday, we don’t have an exam tomorrow,” Fred corrected.

“Thought we’d cheer you up and sneak you out tomorrow, fancy bunking off?” George asked, his creeping arm around the back of the sofa where they sat.

“How on god’s green earth do you think we’d ever get away with sneaking out? What about Black?!” Francesca chided. She was quickly hushed by the twins.

“Keep your voice down!” Fred admonished. “We wouldn’t get caught of course,” he continued.

“And we’d protect you Fran, don’t worry about Black, I’m sure he’s not around here anymore,” George finished, a softness in his voice that made the girl turn to face him.

“How would you even plan to get out? You don’t have that map anymore since you gave it to Harry, and what am I supposed to say to get away with bunking off without being in the hospital wing?” Francesca folded her arms, unable to follow her friends’ madness, part out of genuine concern, but mostly out of pride stopping her from admitting she liked their idea. “I’m a shoo-in for prefect next year, I don’t want to ruin it, sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to us,” Fred joked, holding his hands up in mock defence. “We just thought you looked lonely and bored over here by yourself, where is Katie anyway?”

“With Leanne,” Francesca replied, dropping her gaze back to the fire.

“Why aren’t you?” George ask, that softness and lack of teasing increasingly apparent in contrast to his brother. He was watching her carefully, in fact he had been for the past month. The girls in his year had pushed both him and Fred to study at least a little in preparation for their exams, and the schedule of exams alone didn’t leave much time for socialising, but even if he didn’t have time to talk to her, he still noticed how she often excused herself early at mealtimes, sat curled up in the common room, book in hand but gaze unmoving across its page. He’d seen her sitting alone in the courtyard or in the grounds as he peered out windows wherever he felt he was being held against his will for these exams. He’d been pining for a month now, desperate to talk to her and try and get her back into her usual mood. And selfishly, he would rather spend his time with her than anyone else. And that feeling had only grown since he didn’t have any niggling guilt now, that he may be causing a problem for her with Cormac, by being alone with another guy.

Not that he had any intentions of making any moves when she was still so caught up in what had happened with her last relationship. He wasn’t even sure if that was a good idea at all, not wanting to introduce any elements that might threaten the closeness he already had with her.

“I don’t want to be a mood killer,” Francesca answered, drooping back further into the sofa. George noticed how close his hand now was to the top of her head, and had to consciously restrain himself from playing with the strands of her hair the way she had done to him, weeks ago in his dorm. “Besides,” she continued, “I’m not married to Katie, you lot aren’t the only mates we have!”

“You definitely look like Billy-no-mates right now, Fran”, Fred half joked, half chided. It earned him a terse look from his brother, who was clearly of the opinion their younger friend required a much gentler hand than usual these days. “Look, we’re throwing an end of exams party, and Lee and Angelina have two left tomorrow, Alicia has one in the morning so she’ll help set up, but we need to go early to get things from Hogsmeade, so come for the thrill of it. Promise we’ll say we kidnapped you if we’re caught.”

Francesca pouted for a moment, before relenting.

“Fine.”

And that’s how she ended up, so early in the morning they still had the cover of darkness, waiting for the twins to descend their side of the dormitory stairs. They were late, but she wasn’t going to go looking for them, relieved she might have an excuse they couldn’t blame her for. But just as she was about to give up and go back to bed, she saw George thumping down the staircase, his jaw set.

“What’s up with you?” She asked, “where’s Fred?”

“Not coming,” he muttered, shoving his hands further in his hoodie pockets. “Come on we’re running late.”

She kept close to him as they made their way through the castle, George no longer needing the funny map he and Fred had given to Harry this year, he had all the secret passage ways and hidden doors memorised. They had made quick work of the journey down, pausing only to let George listen or peer around a corner to make sure they weren’t to be caught by Filch or a teacher.

When they were halfway through the cellar passage, and well far enough away to no longer have to be as silent as possible, Francesca felt the need to try and break the tension that was so obvious around George.

“Why didn’t Fred come?”

“He refused to get out of bed,” George replied, still keeping his moody tone and arms tensed in his pocket.

“He wouldn’t wake up?” She said, confused, “that’s not like him.”

“Oh no he was awake alright,” George said, resentment clear. “He just insisted I go alone.” Francesca blinked, his grumpy tone sounding almost like he was unhappy she was joining him.

“I can go back if you don’t want me here,” she told him.

He stopped then, well before their exit, and turned to look at her surprised.

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know George, you haven’t smiled at me once and seem very put out that Fred made you spend time alone with me,” she explained.

“He’s being a git, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you I promise,” he interrupted.

“But why would him being a git mean you end up going alone with me, and that be something obviously so upsetting?”

He gawped for a second before quickly looking at the floor, not knowing quite what to say. All he could get out of his mind was how much he wanted to throttle his brother and how much he wanted to hold the girl in front of him. Neither of those actions would be totally appropriate to other people, so he felt a bit clueless.

“Let’s hurry up,” he mumbled, turning away from her again and headed towards the exit. “I promise I’m not grumpy with you at all, but I’m too tired to hide my annoyance with Fred-“ George paused, turning back again, the distance between them having grown when she hadn’t followed him. “Fran? Aren’t you coming?”

“You promise I didn’t do anything?” She asked, voice suddenly sounding small. George melted a bit as he looked at her, and quickly crossed the distance. It was hard for him to be anything but warm with her, and as soon as he looked at her properly he understood. He made a point of cursing McLaggen again in his head, hating how much his friend’s confidence had been destroyed.

“I promise,” he said, putting his hands gently on her shoulders and smiling. “I’m actually glad that you came with me, you’re miles better company than Fred,” George reassured, “he just thinks he’s being a slick git staying in bed. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said back, still sounding a little unsure. George was behaving weirdly, although he seemed to have snapped out of it now, she couldn’t quite understand the cause of his tension.

“Come on,” he said, taking her hand, “we’re going to have to be quick now if we don’t want to run into any teachers on the way back.”

George pulled her along the rest of the way, ignoring the way his heart was thumping and quickening the pace to disguise the redness in his cheeks.

George made her wait by a hut not far from the cellar steps they had appeared out of, as he went to the back door of the Three Broomsticks. Dawn had just broken, but it was still too early for most people to be up. She watched, nervous at first that he was about to break in and steal something, but instead he knocked an odd pattern on the door, and one of the barmen opened it. She grinned as she recognised him as the slightly grumpy one Fred and George always made a point of greeting when the group went in on their approved village trips. Suddenly she understood how the twins had managed to secure all their secret supplies of butterbeer, fire whiskey and the like, and shook her head in fond disapproval.

He came over with a box and offered it to her to take.

“Sure you can manage that?” He asked, not removing his grip before she had properly tested the weight.

“I may not be a quidditch player but I’m not weak, Weasley!”

He grinned at her and let her take the box of drink from him.

“There’s two more and then we’ll head back,” he said, throwing her a wink before rushing back to the waiting barman. Francesca felt her cheeks heat and stomach flip, but chose to put it down to the strain of the box.

She watched as the barman lifted one of the boxes onto George’s shoulder as George grasped the outside of it, and a small cut out handle in the other box, so he could carry both of them at the same time. She wasn’t sure why her breath hitched at the sight, it wasn’t exactly news that a beater on a quidditch team would be well muscled. Still, when he approached her again, she couldn’t hold his gaze for long.

“Let’s go?” He asked, and she wordlessly followed behind him as he kicked the door to the cellar open and descended the stairs.

As they walked back she could see the staircase they had entered the passageway from, and realised that it actually stretched much further than where the stairs joined it, but the corridor stretched into darkness, only the portion they had walked, after the staircase, contained the charmed, ever burning lanterns. She was nervous to make conversation, hearing his laboured breathing next to her under the weight of two boxes.

“So this is why Fred’s such a git?” She joked, “he’s lumped you with an extra box to carry?”

“Oh,” George said, obviously surprised by her observation. “I guess so,” he finished, trying but failing to hide how winded he was under two boxes. Still, he knew he had the stamina to get there, he and Fred had done this with four boxes on more than one occasion, so he was used to it. He decided not to share this with Francesca though, it was easier for her to think that was why he was cursing his brother.

“What’s in them anyway?” She asked.

“Uh, usual stuff,” George mused, “butterbeers, firewhiskey, all that sort of thing.

“Three boxes?” She pushed, worried about how big a party it was going to be since it was so close to the end of term.

“Oh no it’s only two for tonight” he told her. “This one is actually for me and Fred to take home,” he continued, gesturing to the one on his shoulder, “we want to experiment with them for sweets and mum would never let anyone buy alcohol for us at home.”

Francesca hummed her acknowledgment. She went to ascend the stairs but George stopped her.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“Back to the common room?”

“Why? Didn’t we say the party’s going to be in the boathouse?”

Francesca just shook her head and took the step down to rejoin George on the floor.

“Come on, it’s this way,” he said walking past the stairs towards the incredibly dark corridor.

As both their hands were full, neither could pull out their wand to light the way. Seeing as they were back in Hogwarts grounds now that would’ve been the obvious answer to the darkness, but instead Francesca tried to extend her fingers into the darkness, to try and find George’s back.

“George?” She called out when she couldn’t feel him, on hear his footsteps in front of her.

“I’m here,” he answered, further ahead than she had imagined, and suddenly her footing felt a little less sure under her. “You okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine, just, um,” Francesca wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t scared, exactly, just concerned she was going to trip. That was, until, she heard a thud much closer to her than she expected, and the knowledge of Sirius Black being sighted near the school, and still uncaught came flooding back to her. She let out a small squeak and tensed, then whispered, “what was that?”

“Me, silly,” said George, the smile in his voice, next to her again putting her back at ease. “Hold on, lumos.”

Suddenly the corridor was lit again, George washed in the pale white light of his wand. The edges of his hair were slightly stuck to his head from the exertion of carrying two boxes, the one he had been carrying in his hand now resting at his side. He quickly scanned her to make sure she was okay, and offered her a lopsided grin as he met her eyes again.

“Are you okay?” He asked, “here, let me take this from you,” he said, reaching for the box she still gripped in her arms.

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks,” she said, a frown of confusion forming as the fear slipped away. “I thought you said it’s in the boathouse, why are we stopping here?”

“We can get Alicia and Fred to help us with these later, we can come down this way instead,” he explained, pushing the boxes to one side of the corridor. “You weren’t scared?” He asked with a wink.

Francesca chose to ignore his teasing question, choosing not to give his ego an opportunity to grow.

“Where does this passage open up to anyway?” She asked instead, leaning back against the wall, enjoying the freedom of their sneaking around, despite her earlier protests.

“You know the hatch where the spare oars are kept in the boathouse?” George answered.

“No?” She said back, not having spent much time in the boathouse since her first year. The group had had one other gathering down there, but she’d retraced the steps she’d taken at 11 years old, following the steps down to the lake outside the castle.

“Well there’s a false floor to it, and the steps are behind it,” he answered, standing up fully now, having arranged the boxes to be out of the way of anyone walking through. They both looked at each other in George’s wand-light, seemingly reluctant to leave the privacy of the corridor, but neither able to suggest a reason to prolong the venture. “Shall we head back?” George eventually asked.

Francesca nodded and they made their way back up towards the common room. By this time the few early risers of the students had descended upon the great hall for breakfast, so the need for vigilance wasn’t there. They still kept close together as they walked in a comfortable but somehow still awkward silence. That is until George’s hand accidentally brushed against her’s and after the beat where he thought he might have died of embarrassment, he quickly scrambled to distract them both from the incident.

“We’re back before lessons start, do you want to get some breakfast before we go up to the common room?” He asked, sounding more like one jumbled word than a whole sentence. Francesca didn’t answer, still a little flustered from the hand touch, wondering if he did it on purpose. He decided to take her silence as a sign that, at least, she wasn’t against it, and in a feat of huge bravery or stupidity (George himself wasn’t sure what), seized her hand and pulled her towards the Great Hall.

He wasn’t sure why he was so drawn to holding her hand today, especially since it caused such an uncomfortable reaction within him. He had realised he held feelings for her, sure, but he had also decided now wasn’t the right time to act on them, if ever.

Francesca was confused. George had been unusually tense all morning. It was the first time in a while that they had properly been able to hang out just the two of them since her relationship with Cormac ended, and things were not so weird the last time. Despite her protests against rule breaking, she was disappointed they were back before the start of lessons and she was running out of an excuse to spend the day with him, so she let him pull her to get some breakfast.

Once they were sat with some food, the tension diffused again and the air became more natural between them.

“Will you still bunk off and hang with us today now?” He asked, slightly muffled by the slice of toast in his mouth. “We got back early enough for lessons, in case you still want to be a teachers pet today.”

“I have transfiguration first thing,” she responded, considering her options. “McGonagall chooses the Gryffindor prefects.”

“Ah,” George said, munching another bite of toast, not trying to hide his disappointment. “So you won’t come?”

“I can maybe play sick in front of her,” she considered, “if I can convince her I’m sick enough to need rest but not Madam Pomfrey, she probably won’t check on me. I can head back to the dorms and sneak out after a while?”

George perked up, feeling proud of his friend’s rule-breaking ideas.

“That’d work,” he told her. “I can even come get you so you don’t need to struggle counting every draping for the passageways!”

“I definitely wouldn’t remember,” she lied, having made a point to pay attention to the route they had taken that morning. “So that would help a lot.”

“Morning,” Fred drawled, sounding very cocky as he approached where they were sat at the Gryffindor table. “How are we?”

Fred seated himself next to George and waggled his eyebrows at the two of them.

“Fine,” Francesca answered, squinting her eyes at him. “Despite being a man down because of you being a lazy git, we got the boxes from Hogsmeade no problem.”

She took a mug and got distracted making herself a cup of tea, and missed Fred’s confused look at his brother. George gave him a look that Fred immediately knew meant say a single word and I will never forgive you. It was definitely a twin thing though, because when Francesca looked up she snorted, thinking George was telling Fred off for abandoning them.

“It’s fine though,” she continued, oblivious. “See? We even made it back before lessons!” She stood up then, picking up a slice of toast to take back with her. “Speaking of, I’d better go get changed and do something to make it really look like I’m sick if I’m going to be excused from classes, see you later.”

After she had gone, Fred gave George a shove, who was staring into his now empty cup of orange juice.

“What the hell George?!”

“Fred, please-“

“No! It was the perfect time, what happened?”

George turned to his brother and took a deep breath as if he was about to speak, but it just turned into a sigh when he couldn’t find any words.

“I’m still not sure it’s the right thing to do Freddie,” he spoke, turning back to his breakfast. “I don’t know if we’re better off as friends.”

Fred gave his brother another shove at these words, in disbelief his twin was lacking in so much confidence.

“We’re all rooting for you two, how can all your friends be wrong?”

“Fred please, just leave it and let me figure it out on my own,” George said, avoiding the question and standing up. “Look I’m knackered from being up so early, I’m going to sleep for a bit, wake me when Alicia’s done with her exam will you? Fran said she’d find a way to bunk off and join us later, so don’t leave without her.”

And with that, George left his dumbfounded brother and went back up towards the Gryffindor common room.

[renewingagain]

tuesday 27 august 2024 // 2pm

just went to manchester pride! got soo drunk pretty much 4 days in a row and did a significant amount of drugs lol. it was so fun though. went with james and tom and others tagged along. saw soo many people there and met such lovely new people too. met some cutie queer south asians which was amazing, i didnt know that manchester has such a big queer south asian scene but they were talking about how they have regular get togethers etc, it was so lovely to hear

im feeling a bit of anxiety heading back to brum now but i need to be kinder to myself - it is still ok to rest! its only been about two weeks (if that!) of being unemployed and moving home, i want at least two months before i have to do anything else :D i really need to let my mind and body rest now for a while

i said that manchester pride will be my last big blowout for a while now. i just want to look after my health for a bit and start getting fit again and prioritize my sleep. i ordered huel again so maybe this will help me slim down a bit and i can start running again etc etc. kish also left weights in the room at bibis house so maybe i can even start getting hench :p

FUNNILY enough i happened to bump into benjamin on the sunday of pride and it was heavyyyy. he was absolutely not happy to see me at first lol and he was very hostile in our first encounter and he ended it with saying something like ‘i think its best we dont really talk again’ it was weird and awkward and painful lmaooo so i wished him a happy pride and left

however he then ended up bumping in to me again at churchill later and apologised as he acknowledged he wasnt being very nice. i asked him if we could go outside and have a conversation so we chatted for a bit about us and albeit him being drunk he basically said he fell in love with me when we were dating.. if that really was the case then i can see why he was very very hurt by what had happened with us..

he didnt seem to think i was all that bothered about us ‘breaking up’ for lack of a better term but obviously i was! ive been thinking about him every day even still 🤣 and god i missed his smell.. the convo had to end after about 10 mins cus his friends were going to other clubs but we hugged goodbye and it was an ok ish conversation..

he messaged me the next day with a short stream of consciousness nnd said it was nice to see me and ive basically texted him again just to say sorry for everything etc … i am glad i got to see him again and hope we can find some closure from it

i think i regret us not continuing to speak and not trying to make it work but here we are - ive wrote before that i’ve met people before like lewie alex etc and i met him and i will meet other people! if life reconnects us then it does .. if it doesnt then it is what it is. a cliche but maybe he is the one that got away

im obvs feeling a bit weird anyway probably a slight comedown lol, but this next season and period for me is to just be kind to myself and to reconnect with friends and family here in birmingham. i am loved here

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1988 I just finished watching Unsolved Mysteries. It was ok, but I’ve seen better shows of theirs.

Earlier I worked as the office manager at Channel 57 for the second time. It’s very boring and tedious but it’s something to do. It’s a very easy job though I had feared before it would be difficult. There isn’t much that’s too hard for me. If you can learn to play a musical instrument and all the other things I’ve learned, then you can learn anything, although I hate anything dealing with numbers.

There are still times I wish I were straight and could have sex with a guy and enjoy it and be attracted to a guy as I am to women, but they’re such assholes. But then again, male or female, that is all I ever get anyway.

I’m taking a chance nonetheless. I sent Between Friends $70, but if I’m not attracted to any of these 3 women or they’re jerks or they’re decent and I lose them, then I think I’d be damn entitled to my money back. I guess if that happens, you renew your membership. Like hell I will. For $295? No way!

I’ve been taking only 5mg of Navane and I’ve been basically ok. Only a couple of bad times, but they passed; those racing thoughts that make me depressed.

Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere for Chanukah or my b-day. Tammy and I got into another squabble as usual and she hasn’t called. But I won’t be surprised if she does. It’s like Andy said to me, “You know you’re gonna make up with her.” No doubt she’ll call at the last minute. Actually, though, I’m really kind of hoping she’ll stay pissed and not call. I don’t think I want to go down there. Besides, I despise the fact of having Nerve drive me down and totally dread it.

The bus ticket price coming back is crazy and I also feel I’d like to celebrate alone. Once again I get that feeling of pride at not turning to anyone on my b-day. I’m really doing great at sheltering myself and keeping independent.

Andy or Nervous should be calling any minute now I guess.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1988 I woke up this morning feeling miserable so I called my allergy doctor. Next Wed. at 10:00 I see him.

Thank God Nervous woke me up. He tried at 10:00 but obviously, I never heard the phone. When he called back at 11:30, I was exhausted. If I sleep too much I feel tired.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1988 I got back an hour or so ago from Longmeadow where we had dinner. It was nice, except for the fact that half the meal exploded on the stove, cuz as we’ve learned, you never put glass on a stove. But she did, so we had a hell of a mess. Also, Becky broke a plate. We took pictures of both of these episodes for Mom. She’ll love it.

When Tammy came to pick me up we went to Store 24 so I could get ciggies and a lighter and she said she saw Nervous. Probably spying. He did call last night and it looks like I am stuck with him going to Salem.

I just called Ma and said we’re so glad she’s 1400 miles away. We’re sending her pictures.

Tammy says my singing’s not the worse but it’s not the best. That’s good enough for me.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1988 Well, they say it gets worse before it gets better. Today I had a miserable day, but I stuck to only 5mg instead of 10mg of Navane. I feel very much better than I have since I cut down. It was miserable as the doctor said it would be. I was very dizzy all the time and my mind was racing and I was anxious as all hell, but it’s gone now. The question is for how long, though? Tammy agreed I just needed to adjust. Still seems always to be worse before my period which I should be getting any day now. I’ve been cramping like hell.

Al was supposed to call me again tonight and he hasn’t yet and I have come to hope he won’t.

Andy never called last night like he said he would and Nervous didn’t either and probably won’t tonight either.

Speaking of Andy, he’s on the phone with me now. He may be coming over later.

Nervous probably won’t call til after my birthday cuz of the nasty things I’ve said. He’ll try to avoid giving me a ride cuz it’s for Chanukah and my birthday and he’ll never get me a gift. That’s how obsessive males are. They always figure they’re owed something in return.

I haven’t shit in a week and I don’t know why. I’ve taken my Medimucal and have eaten a lot. The Navane causes that and the doctor says once you cut down or stop, the side effects get worse before they get better, so I’ll have to suffer for a while longer. Probably won’t shit for another week or two.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1988 I got up at 7:15 after having some very unpleasant dreams.

Sure enough, there was a message on my machine from Andy. I think I remember hearing it when he called, but I was just too damn tired, and I figured that once I was fully awake after talking with him, I’d never go back to sleep.

I had woken up at 1:00 to go pee and get some cookies and something to drink and the cat was so funny. She came over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table and squinted up at me through half-closed eyes. You could see she had definitely been sound asleep and wasn’t used to the bright lights yet, but as soon as I get up, she does too. Every morning it’s the same routine. I get up, go into the bathroom, close the door and she waits outside the door and meows. When I come out, she follows me into the kitchen where she demands to be petted and loved and then I feed her. After that it’s playtime. I have the same routine for waking up in the morning. Coffee, then music.

I also woke up last night at 3:00 to smoke maybe 6 drags off a cigarette, then again at 4:30.

Later…

Today’s the day I go for my interview at the school department on State St. I hope they need me full-time cuz I’m gonna have some free time till I move.

Later, I’ve got to call Mansfield about my written exam and the temporary permit I was supposed to have received in the mail a long time ago. I thought the director was supposed to get back to me, but she hasn’t yet.

December 3rd is gonna be one miserable day with having to put up with the mouth and crazy driving.

I want to hurry up and move so badly. Tammy says she highly doubts I’ll be here when the summer comes, but who knows? I didn’t think I’d still be here now.

I hope this court case gets dropped if I don’t drop it myself by not showing up. Everyone says it’ll get dropped and that they just want to waste my time. That’s males for you. My lawyer’s an asshole. A typical male for sure. I’m glad I’m gay. I really am. It may be hard to find a woman who’s gay, let alone a good one, but 98% of males are jerks. Statistics say so many wives and girlfriends get abused by their boyfriends or husbands.

Al dumped me simply cuz I wasn’t good enough for him, cuz of my past and cuz he couldn’t get it in there. He was very negative and there was always something wrong with me. He can have a happy life, cuz he’ll never get a decent woman, nor is he capable of loving anyone.

Later…

I’m gonna be volunteering at one of the schools doing library assisting, Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Also, if they need me to speak sign language or Spanish, they’ll let me know. She also said sometimes for the holidays they need singers.

I called Al before I left and told him how I feel. All I want to do is make him happy and be happy as well. I want him to give me a chance to show I care and want him to try to care for me. I know what I did wrong back then and would never repeat my mistakes. I realize I may have had some problems, but he ran away as if he didn’t care. I didn’t mean to scare him away, but I just wish he’d open up and be more encouraging, not so negative. I would never hurt him. I just want to spend the night in his arms with good things to talk about. I want to feel cared for and I want to care for him. I know he’d never marry and have kids with me, and I accept that. He says he’s gonna call me later. If he does, he’ll never come over.

Later…

I just got Gloria’s album Otro Vez and I can’t believe how much I understand. The picture of her on the back cover looks pitiful. She had short hair, seemed plump and looked like Liza Manelli. There was this other girl too, but Gloria looked awful. They’re supposed to send me the other one called Rio soon. They’re temporarily out of stock of it. I owe them $10 for this album and tomorrow or Friday I’ve got to go to get the two 12” records I ordered.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1988 Today at 3:00, I have to see Dr. Osborne. That sucks.

Tomorrow I go for an interview at the school dept. I wonder what they will need me to do.

I just called Elizabeth who says she’s gonna have some photocopying but isn’t sure when she’ll have the stuff ready but will call me today or tomorrow to let me know for sure. Probably Wednesday.

Last night I called Tammy and even sang for her a little on the phone. I told her I wanted a music book for my birthday. Either Canciones De Mi Padre or Madonna. Hope she gets it.

I still don’t know what to get my family and friends but I don’t think I’m gonna shop till next month. Around December 1st I’ll start my gift shopping.

Later…

I just called Tammy and told her that Philip can’t bring me down to her place on December 3rd cuz he’s going to Mexico. If not, I’ll be on the bus.

Tammy said, “Just use Nervous. It’ll be only for an hour and a half. “

No way, I told her. He’s too pushy, never shuts up, drives like a maniac and I just don’t trust his car.

Tammy said she’ll get back to me.

Nervous says he’s gonna get me a keyboard but I doubt it, and if he does, he better not expect me to kiss his ass cuz things aren’t gonna change.

Oh God, what’s he gonna do when I move? He’ll just die. I’ll give him my address and number but I really don’t want to see him. I will, however, talk to him on the phone. Why not? He’ll be paying and he’s more tolerable on the phone than in person. If I ever let him see me inside my apartment or in the neighborhood, he’ll no doubt be awfully curious and will probably spy. I hope he does. The thought amuses me.

Later…

I called for bus fare info just in case and the prices are outrageous. $20 one-way and $38 round-trip. Ridiculous. I’ll get down there somehow.

In 20 minutes or so I’ve got to catch the bus downtown, then transfer to the Feeding Hills bus. What sucks is that I’m gonna have to wait for a half-hour for the doctor and then 40-45 minutes for the bus afterward.

Later…

I am now at Osborne’s waiting to see the “Wizard of Oz.” I think I just saw Debbie, the little jerk.

When I got off the bus I went to Dunkin Donuts cuz I knew I had time to kill and I’ll have plenty of it to kill after I see Oz, too. Before I got on the Feeding Hills bus I went into Johnson’s and bought more journals. A big one and a little one. The prettiest one of all has no lines.

It’s about 3:00 now and I hope he’s not late as all doctors are. But then again it really doesn’t matter cuz the next bus isn’t till 4:00. After I see him I’ll be damned if I’ll wait outside. It’s too windy. I’ll wait in here.

I’ve been thinking about moving a lot lately. Yes, I really do want to move. And fast. But it’ll no doubt take several more months.

Later…

I just saw Ozzy and now I’m waiting for the bus. He’s a really nice guy. He says I’ve come a long way and have been through a lot. He agrees I am a survivor and can handle anything. He also says I definitely must stop the Navane. He understands it’ll be difficult but that it’s important to reverse the tardive dyskinesia. He gave me some tea which I’ll finish now, then go to the bus stop.

Later…

I am home now and I just ate 3 pieces of chicken, some rice and some green beans. Next, I’ll take my meds and my vitamins.

Some crazy wacko was running her mouth at the bus stop about the shelter she’s living in and the job she wants. Some people are weird. Reminds me of Nervo.

Wednesday I can’t forget to watch my show Unsolved Mysteries. I missed it last week.

I wonder when the people’s daughter, son and grandson upstairs are gonna move out. Their footsteps are obnoxious. Drunkie downstairs would just love it.

This morning, shortly before 8:30 I heard the bitch next door go out for work and I called her to make her run back inside, then hung up. She probably thinks she just got to the phone too late and will be wondering all day who it could’ve been.

Well, tonight is when Ma calls so I’ll postpone my shower till after she calls. Tammy has to get back to me, too.

Later…

The phone rang, I picked it up and said, “Hi ma.”

The reply was, “Wrong. It’s Elizabeth.” She was laughing and said she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She says she’s got no work for me this week but next Tues. she thinks she does.

I also told her I was apprehensive about being the office manager but says she’ll hang around at first till I get the hang of it. Also, Cheryl will be there. She said they’ll make sure I know what to do and that I’m enjoying it or else I can do something else. I told her that I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and that once I get started it’ll be easy.

I just remembered Andy’s calling tonight too, along with Nervous, as usual. He’ll never fail to forget to call.

Later…

Dad just called. He sounds good. I told him what I wanted but I guess they’re sending me money instead.

I discussed the progress I’ve been making on my piano and told him the two things that were the most shocking. One, my getting the voice to sing and two, their being on my side.

I told him I pictured him being part of an interview someday where a guy says to my father, “She says she’s so glad she has enough money now so she can take you out to dinner.” I can just see the expression on my father’s face. Dad said it’ll come in time. He seems so sure of me.

Later…

Tammy just called. No one can give me a ride to Salem! I gotta go with Nervous! Shit! Damn! Fuck! Why do I always end up having to use that low-life scum? He’ll never shut up. He’ll get us killed or his car will break down. Well, just think, soon I’ll be moved and I’ll be through with him.

Andy better not call me when I’m sleeping or else!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1988 Yesterday I had a long day at Channel 57. I canceled my check-up so I could work longer but will reschedule after Turkey Day for sure.

Andy called and told me not to think he died but that he’s had company all weekend. A bunch of relatives are coming to see his sister and her baby. So he won’t be calling me till Monday.

Tammy also called to say that she wants me to get a ride down to her place on December 3rd for a Chanukah dinner, then stay overnight and celebrate my b-day the next day which will be a Sunday.

How? I don’t know if Philip will be able to get me down there. I’ll never ask Nervous but Tammy said to just use him for the ride and she’ll send him right back home afterward. I never want to have to use him to drive me anywhere and take the chance of getting killed or his car breaking down and I couldn’t stand to put up with him that long. He’ll never shut up and he’s a little pushy bastard!

She says she doesn’t know if Mom and Dad are even coming home this winter for the holidays and the store. She says she hasn’t heard one way or the other. It doesn’t look like they’ll be coming back until April. But then again, I thought I remembered Dad saying they would be here one time in the van as he was bringing me home from somewhere. Every other winter they’ve come in.

I changed the bedroom around to the way it was before I discovered this spider nest.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1988 I fell asleep very early last night but kept waking up for 3 reasons. One is that the phone kept ringing. Two is cuz I kept having to pee after taking my water pill. Three is I kept having these weird dreams.

Last night I had this really weird dream about Nervous. Apparently, in this dream, I owned my own home which had a basement and a first floor. I was in the basement which was a long room lined with small windows along a wall that was a little over my head. I was going through some old clothes when I heard a car and said to myself, That’s Nervous’s car. I know it is.

I turned off all the lights and stood behind some furniture in the center of the room and waited. Sure enough, I heard him shuffling through the grass and saw him walk up to the farthest window at the very end of the room where my stereo was. He just stood there and waited, no doubt hoping I’d come down to listen to my stereo.

Next thing I know he was in the cellar with me, the lights were on, and I was telling him I heard his car and saw him walk up to the window. He stood there laughing. Then there was a double-size bed near the stereo and I was lying on it starting to feel very sleepy and he was sitting on the other side of it. All of a sudden he had his arms around me and asked, “Is this wrong?”

I got up off the bed and said, “Yes, this is wrong. You sleep here and I’ll go upstairs to sleep in my bedroom. When you get up in the morning, wake me up and I’ll let you out.”

But then he started to get up off the bed and follow me and said, “Let’s talk.”

Then the phone rang and I said, “Who the fuck is that at this hour? You answer it.”

Later…

I called Dee to see if she could do my hair, and she said to come in at 11:00. I want it trimmed so that it’s one length, although I don’t think I look really terrible with my short hair layered. Maybe if I grew my hair long again I’d look too much like a little girl. I know I’ll definitely keep the front short with layered bangs, but I guess I do really miss my length and it’s gonna take me about 5 years to get it even and to the middle of my back.

I was thinking I may walk up to Shopper’s for my Femstat and have breakfast at the deli next door.

Later…

I just had my hair evened out and it looks really nice. I also bought this shampoo which she used to make my hair really soft.

I was also up at the deli where I got eggs and toast and some coffee. Tony, the cop I know, was there and as usual, he teased my ass like crazy.

Elizabeth is coming over tonight with envelopes for me to stuff.

I told Nervous last night to call me around 8:00 so he can take me food shopping.

I’ve got to tell Nervo about the dream I had last night. He should definitely get a kick out of it. Probably wish it could be true, too. Getting his arms around me, staying overnight.

I bought some more clothes from Goodwill. A bra, two pairs of sweatpants, pajamas and another nightie, which is so tiny and fits me perfectly.

By the way, speaking of the weight I lost, even Tony noticed it too. It’s a little scary in a way, though, cuz every summer I automatically lose 10-15 pounds. This summer I certainly can’t afford to lose one more pound! I’d be bones.

Mary Lou just called saying I needed to see Dr. Osborne Monday at 3:00 cuz I never saw Dr. Moshiri. That means I can’t see her and that sucks.

Also, I’m gonna write to Medicare about their crazy policy that the therapists can’t come to our homes. We have to go there which sucks cuz not everyone has a car and it’s not easy for the therapists either.

I just finished having a whole can of sardines, 10 pieces of bacon and a bagel with cream cheese.

Right now I must go call Elizabeth and ask her to please try to bring my paperwork earlier.

Later…

Tomorrow at 9:00 I have to go to Channel 57 to do the work I was supposed to do here at home. Elizabeth says she was having trouble with her printing machine. Also, Channel 57 voted me volunteer of the month, therefore I’m to have my picture in their magazine with a few paragraphs about me.

Tomorrow I also have to get a dental check-up at the Holyoke Mall. I would never ask Nervous to drive me with the sick way he drives, nor could I stand to have to put up with him that long.

Nervo may be calling soon. I don’t need or want him to take me to Food Mart.

I wonder where Sasha is. Must be hiding out sleeping either under the bed or under the couch or chairs in the living room. 95% of the time, though, she’s on the bed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1988 If I don’t get to sleep I’ll never make it to my appointment in the morning. Also, at 2:30 I have to see a GYN. A male. I hate these painful exams!

There are so many things up in the air right now and so many questions. What will happen in court? What will happen with the dating service? What’s my future gonna be? What’s gonna happen if no other medication but the Navane will work?

Later…

Well, Nervous called me at 7:30 but I fell back asleep so I missed my appointment. I rescheduled it for Dec. 1st.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be going to Food Mart. I’ve been out of soda and milk and want to get some TV dinners. Also, I should get some light bulbs cuz I have no more and if the lamp in the bedroom burns out, then I’m stuck.

This afternoon at 2:30 I’m definitely going to my GYN appointment to take care of this yeast infection. I’ll walk there. They’re not too far from here. I’ll probably leave between 1:45 and 2:00.

I wonder if that gay taxi driver, Linda, is gonna call today? I never know if Maria will ever call. Why can’t she just be honest? Why she ever gave me her phone number totally baffles me. It even shocked Andy. Andy says Maria hasn’t even called Bev.

I’ve got a package of bacon in the refrigerator that I think I’m gonna go make up now, along with a bagel for breakfast.

Later…

Believe it or not, I just got a call from the school department. This woman wants me to come in for an interview for volunteer work. She says she’s not in need of an interpreter but would like to discuss the possibility of me doing something else. That’d be great. It’ll keep me busy. I hope. I hope it’s full-time. I’m going crazy just sitting here every day going nowhere but to doctors and doing errands.

I spoke to Mary C also. She was watching a movie on HBO and says her son William is sick and she just brought him home from the doctor’s.

She said she may take a drive over later. Yeah, sure. She damn well better plan on giving me back my black sweatpants she took the last time I saw her. Either way, she is going to return them and never again will she be allowed to borrow one single thing.

I think now I’m gonna take a walk to the store. I’m dying for some soda.

Later…

I took a bath and shaved, then I ran to the store for some soda and a hamburger.

In a little more than a half-hour from now, I’m gonna start walking over to Ridgewood Terrace for the crotch doctor which I dread. Another male touching my body. It’s so painful, too.

The mailman just came, but not with Gloria’s records I ordered, so I sent them back.

Some stupid Puerto Rican is outside honking its horn as usual. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. After growing up in beautiful areas, I miss it, and it’s time to move. That is for sure. When I move I won’t have to worry about leaving my doors open or anything. I highly doubt I will associate with Nervous when I move. I won’t need him and it wouldn’t be the greatest idea for him or for me. He’ll always be lonely with no woman and no friends and when I move, or possibly before, maybe he’ll realize why. He’s such a sad case. Que lastima.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s office now and the secretary seems kind and reassuring but I still hate to go through this shit.

It’s almost 3:00 but the doctor is running late as usual. Aren’t all doctors always late?

Mrs. Witherspoon from the 4th floor drove me here. I called for a taxi but it never came and the dispatcher couldn’t page Linda.

Later…

Well, the exam went ok and yes, as usual, I do have a yeast infection.

The dispatcher could never page Linda the gay driver so I got a different driver to go home. It cost me $2.

It seemed so dark all day. Even at 2:00. It’s not even 5:00 and it’s already just about pitch dark.

I hope Elizabeth will be willing to meet me at Montpelier St. tomorrow night a little earlier when she brings to me those envelopes she wants me to stuff. She’ll never be able to see me nor I see her if it’s too dark.

I hope Nervous calls soon. I do want to go to Food Mart. Never would I ask him to take me anywhere during the daytime. That’s when he’s always in his fucked-up mood and is so agitated and acts and talks like a two-year-old. I wonder why the daytime makes him more nervous. Several mornings ago he was extremely wound up but I’m quite sure that was cuz Fran had spent the night which he’s been dying to do. The first question out of his mouth when he called was, “Is monkey brain still there?”

I wouldn’t put it past him to come down to Norwich and say, “My car broke down. Can I stay the night?”

He’ll never get to stay the night, and if he comes to see me against my wishes I’ll kick his ass.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1988 Nervous brought Sasha back last night. I really missed her although I never thought I would. I just hope the inspector doesn’t decide to double-check. Unfortunately, Carabetta allows no pets. Which is stupid. What if they were animals? Would they like to be homeless and out on the streets?

Also last night, Andy came over to teach me more songs. I’ve learned Talk To Me completely now and he also showed me some of If I Were You. I know Sara completely but need to finish learning La Isla Bonita. I attempted today to learn the song Piano Man by myself from an old book I’ve had for ages but it sure isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get it someday soon, though.

Today Andy called, but the answering machine picked up his call cuz I was in the shower. I knew it was him right away by the way he was singing at the top of his lungs. He and I both are crazy.

Nervous will no doubt call later.

Today I went to see my new therapist Mary Lou. She was ok. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular. I ran my mouth quite a bit to her and she says I’m interesting.

Also today I was looking to buy a denim mini skirt, size 14 in girls, but they didn’t have a fitting room so I never bought it.

Before going to see Mary Lou I had a few minutes to kill so I looked in Falcetti’s for a music book, but I didn’t like the way this Madonna book was written and they have a shitty music selection, so I bought nothing there either.

I’ve been tired all day and I think I need to go eat now.

Later…

Nervous called. He didn’t have much to say. Just the usual about how he’s so busy running around here, there and everywhere. According to him, he was looking in a music store in the Eastfield Mall where they sell Yamaha keyboards. I wonder why cuz I told him to forget about that and instead just give me $100 for my birthday and Chanukah so I can pay for my dating service. Both would be nice, but that’s a little too much to ask for and that’d surely leave him broke and he’d end up evicted again.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I have an appointment with my asthma doctor in which I’m gonna have a taxi driver, who’s gay, that I met over the phone drive me cuz there’s no bus stop near their new office. I’m curious to see what she looks like. Probably butchy. She sounds like it just from talking to her over the phone. She’s had a girlfriend for 5 years she said.

Yesterday morning I called Maria at the bank where she works cuz I couldn’t get a hold of her for quite a while, and as usual, she hasn’t called me. I can’t believe she ever even gave me her phone number. Neither can Andy. Well, anyway, she says maybe sometime this week we can go see a movie. Yeah, sure! Why can’t she just be honest?

Later…

I just got off the phone with Nervous and right now I’m on the phone with Andy.

Emily really pisses me off. She never calls and therefore I’ll be damned if I’m ever gonna call her again. She’s busy, she’s tired. That’s a lie. She’s got time for other people and places. Like her friends Maria and Sylvia. She totally ignored me when I went to see her up at Shopper’s. Especially when Sylvia came in, as I may’ve mentioned before. I’m not even gonna say goodbye when I move.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1988 I called the dating service and she really reassured me, although there are no guarantees, but time will tell.

Friday I got a promotion from Channel 57. Instead of answering phones I’m gonna be the office manager. My job will be to help other girls with any problems they may have, tally up pledges and enter them into a book.

Wednesday of next week, Elizabeth is gonna bring over some envelopes to stuff.

Unfortunately, everything’s closed today but I’ll be going up to Shopper’s Drug today to see Emily.

Earlier this morning I scrubbed the kitchen floor 3 times as it was filthier than filthy, sang a little, and I hope to hell the inspector comes tomorrow and that Nervous calls so he can bring the cat back.

Am I very sorry I reunited as friends with Nervo! He’s his same old self. Pitiful. The way he drove to New Britain scared the shit out of me and he got us lost as usual after saying he knew where to go. I think maybe he did that deliberately, hoping they’d tell me it was too late whenever I got there and to come back another time. That way he could spend the day with me again.

He freaked out yesterday morning on the phone no doubt cuz Fran was here overnight, and after I get Sasha back I don’t want to associate with him again. I have learned my lesson. It took some time but he is a male and that’s the way they all are. Sick.

Later…

I went up to see Emily and I want nothing more to do with her either. She totally ignored me but when her pal Sylvia came in she jumped for joy. She’s totally abandoned our friendship. Ever since last year. But she has other friends she sees and calls all the time but she never calls me. Maybe she’ll get the hint when she never receives any more phone calls from me.

Believe it or not, I just got Mary C’s number. Yes, she’s still married to John and says she’s got 8 more weeks and 6 days till she has another baby. She says it’s John’s but told me a long time ago he couldn’t make anymore cuz he had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t by cheating. She’s cheated on him numerous times in the past. That’s why it surprised me when they got married.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1988 Last night I took that medication again that Dr. Moshiri gave me and once again it put me right to sleep at 10:00. At 2:00 Andy called and I stayed up to reverse my schedule cuz yesterday I slept all day and never went to Channel 57. Today I have to go at 10:00, then at noon, I’m going to New Britain to that dating service. I have to be there at 1:00. But I couldn’t believe how that medication really calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.

Right now I have the hiccups.

Nervous bought me corrective tape cuz I typed him a business letter so I could easily erase any mistakes I made.

Yesterday morning I tried to call my sister but her line was busy for ages. I may call her tonight to tell her about today’s trip, but then again I don’t think she gives a damn. Oh well.

I called the doctor about my vaginal problem explaining I didn’t ever plan to have a relationship again with a male and that I preferred women and he said I shouldn’t even bother to do anything about the problem. He said not to force myself to do or be what I can’t. Do whatever’s natural for me and that’s being gay. I could never be straight and feel comfortable physically or mentally. Never. He’s right. He’s definitely got a point although I’d feel happier knowing that my problem was taken care of and it would surely help with everything else with a woman.

Nervous said he ran into Mary C and that she’s pregnant again. I’m not surprised, but it can’t be by John cuz she told me he supposedly had a vasectomy done. She’ll never make it with him cuz she has always cheated on him before, during and after their marriage and he’s a jerk. I never got her phone number but I don’t want it. She was never a friend. She only came over here when she wanted something.

I wish I could sleep now till 8:00 or 8:30 but I won’t chance it cuz I may never wake up and I must go to Channel 57!

Later…

I did stay up all night and right now I am at Channel 57 waiting for my boss Elizabeth who is still in a meeting.

After my work is done, and I sure as hell hope I get done before noon, I am going to New Britain.

Well, I am really very tired but I’d best ignore it cuz I have a long day ahead. I know I want to get something to eat either before my interview or right after. I’m starving! I’m so nerved up, too.

Andy says he’ll call me tonight and that he’ll be anxious to hear about how today will go. I’m quite curious myself about what will develop. Maybe not much. I think I’m dreaming an impossible dream which is something I seem to have done all my life and probably always will. All I get are jerks. Never can attract or hang onto the decent people.

I still don’t like the idea of spending the day with Nervioso. He’s a pain in the ass.

Later…

Sure enough, Nervous’s car did break down so he got a rental car and we are now heading for New Britain so my handwriting is awfully shaky.

Later…

Well, this place I went to definitely doesn’t seem like a rip-off but it is costly! $295, but to me, it’s worth it cuz as she agreed with me if you go to a bar all you’ll get is druggies and drunks who want one-night stands and may have aids. Also, I could put an ad in the Advocate for $35 and never know what I’m getting.

I filled out a personality questionnaire and discussed my hobbies, goals and interests and what attracts me sexually. All this info will be matched up with other woman’s info, and they will give me 3 people to meet that they feel are compatible with me.

I still have my fears and doubts, though. Will I ever find the right person? Someone who’ll attract me sexually like Gloria? If they’re the right person for me will they find me attractive? Will there be too many things wrong with the person? Will I get Miss Right and lose her cuz of my past or present problems?

Time will tell if this really is the answer or not. Another fear I have is what if the 3 women I meet are all wrong for me and I have to pay an additional $295 to meet 3 more? Can I cancel my membership when and if I find the right person? Will I have to pay a renewal fee? They weren’t very clear on all this.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1988 I am now at the Laundromat.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see Mary Lou at 2:15. Wednesday I work for Channel 57. Thursday I go out of town to New Britain. And last but not least, Friday I see Dr. Moshiri, who I shall bitch out from head to toe.

Sometime this week I’d like to do some gift shopping for the family and also get my hair trimmed and basically just evened out.

Can’t wait till Mom calls tonight, I have lots to tell her.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1988 Tomorrow morning I’m going to do laundry at Nervous’s rooming house. I told him to go get his breakfast while I’m doing it so he doesn’t bug me. He said ok.

Andy’s sister Marla flew in tonight from California with her 4-month-old son, so Andy was psyched.

I wonder when the hell I’ll ever move. Yes, I’ll miss people here in Springfield, but I really do want to hurry up and move so I can be near my sister and nieces. I sure hope I’m able to get a lucky break in music somehow, someway, with or without Tammy’s help.

I’ve got to get a much more positive attitude. I can’t give up my singing even if Tammy continues to think I’m hopeless or if I have a few failures. Being too negative so much is going to get me nowhere. It’s what I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be a doer, not a dreamer. It’s soon or never. I won’t settle for anything else. I love to sing and now have a voice I never thought I’d ever have.

I also really want to improve my piano, guitar and Spanish by studying more and practicing my ass off. No more being so lazy.

Nervous said he’s looking for a portable organ like Andy’s which I love to death, but it may be just too expensive and I surely don’t want to see him get evicted again. I’m dying for one, though.

I was supposed to call yesterday for an appointment today to have gotten my hair evened out but now I’ll have to wait till Tuesday. They’re closed Sundays and Mondays.

Monday night is when Ma calls. Also Monday I’ll have to call La Baron. They sent me a bill for $1,068 and I’m not paying a dime. They never should’ve let me into school without approving my application for financial aid first. I’ll also call the people I filled out the application with. They’re also responsible. She was supposed to have contacted me and it looks like I may have to take them to court and hopefully sue them for the $561 that I paid to get into Mansfield for my manicuring course. They should definitely pay me.

Also Nervous is taking me to New Britain, CT to a service for gay women to meet other gay women. I just hope his car doesn’t break down in the middle of the highway or I’ll die.

Later…

I am still wide awake. I just did some reading and before that, I played my keyboard and guitar.

I ordered Gloria’s two Spanish albums Rio and Otro Vez.

Today, if I don’t sleep all day, I’m gonna do laundry, but if I do I can always do it later on tonight.

I called Fran’s old foster father and left a message for him to call me. I haven’t seen him in ages. Why is it that he only comes to visit once in a lifetime? Last time was when he bought the TV from me.

Rather than go to Johnson’s maybe I should go to McRory’s in the Eastfield Mall across from my mom’s store. It’s bigger, better and much cheaper and they have everything. I’m almost positive I’d find some really nice things there for the kids and some nice things for everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call about getting my vaginismus cured cuz it would make me happy and maybe it’s just a waste of time being gay, even if it’s not a choice.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1988 I’m cooking a piece of lamb. Actually, before that, I just walked in. I had been out with Andy.

I slept all day today and never got my laundry done. Never called Channel 57 or mailed this letter I wrote to someone, but Nervous is mailing it. He was over earlier and we had a nice chat.

Before 6:00 Cecelia came over. We had a nice chat too in ASL and I did tell her I was moving. She said hopefully she could come to visit me.

Anna next door woke me up at 2:00 this afternoon to ask me about a phone call she got very early this morning from some girl who knew her name was Anna, and I guess used my name, by asking her if she knew me, but Anna hung up saying, “I don’t know who you are.”

I know nothing about it, I told her.

I spoke to Nervous today who may know of someone to take Sasha. Also, I spoke to Andy who should be calling any second.

Earlier I fell asleep and dreamt that my mother sent me puppies in the mail. Weird, huh?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1988 The stupid males in court today want desperately to waste my time and so this case is being brought before a jury of 6 and then possibly to trial. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be dismissed and by the time the final court date comes up I’ll be moved and they can have a default warrant out for me for the rest of my life, cuz what are my chances of being picked up if I were to come to Springfield for a day or two? None. And how many cops know me by face and name? Maybe 3 cops, and it’s very unlikely that we’ll run into each other.

Today I also confronted Pig Corcoran, or whatever the fuck his name really is, with the sexually harassing phone calls I got and asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no and that he wouldn’t do that. Yeah, sure. Quite a coincidence don’t you think? I know it was him or somebody he put up to it.

I called that gay dating service for women, and according to them, their nearest offices are either Framingham, MA or Great Britain, CT. No way to get there by bus or by anyone else. Tammy says they’re a total rip-off. She said she went through a Jewish dating service to find Bill cuz she wanted her children raised as Jews. But to me what you are is what you are, and I don’t believe in that or religion. People are people are people.

Tammy said to place an ad in the personals section of the Advocate but to get a PO box address. I may someday if nothing else works.

Guess what? This will come as a surprise to you as it did to me but I called Maria at work explaining that I knew and realized that I did wrong, and wanted her to understand and to feel free to confront me with any problems rather than to be scared and run away, and that once the problem is discussed, I would never make the same mistake again. I try not to anyway. So she said it was that I was too forward and scared her away and I then explained to her that when you’re alone so much and you get an opportunity to talk, you talk. I said that maybe I threw up my past in her face out of fear and that rather than be too shy I was trying to make friendly conversation for our first visit, and I also didn’t want to seem rude by ignoring her questions. She did seem to understand fully and mentioned my trusting her enough the first time we met to take her home with me and I said that I learned to tell the good ones from the bad ones and told her about Mary D, who attempted to attack me for prank calling her. She said that was awful and seemed to understand why I crawled into this little shell.

The sicko (Mary) came over for her record and started trashing the place before she turned on me, knocked me down, then ran.

I also told her what I heard about Bev and that I heard she wanted Bev, and she denied it saying her lips were sealed and she wouldn’t repeat any of it to Bev. I told this to Andy who got pissed at me fearing there was a good 98% chance that Maria would definitely go to Bev and that Bev would go to Andy all pissed off. I did not realize at the time that what I said could be harmful but to me, it is a test of trust and honesty.

Maria told me that she doesn’t have many friends herself and sometimes needs someone to talk to and would like to go to the movies or the mall and that when I called her at work upset about the barrette she was about to apologize and explain why she couldn’t come over, but I didn’t give her a chance and hung up, assuming she didn’t care, and I explained she was right cuz of past experience.

Andy, however, does believe that she wants Bev and that she put a hickey on Bev’s neck, though Maria denied it, saying she didn’t know Bev well, didn’t see much of her and has only known her for 6 months. Well, time will tell whether she’s a liar or she is honest.

The thing she did that really shocked me the most was give me her phone number. I told her I was so sorry for calling her at work, her place of business and she said not to worry about it at all and that if I had a problem to call her at work or home. She told me she usually gets home after 6 PM on weekdays. I certainly am not going to bug her or burden her in any way but in the long run, I still believe this will never be a sexual relationship and that she is still young and unaware of her sexuality. Bev, boyfriend, or not, she just wants to be strictly friends and that’s ok. Better than nothing.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1988 I’ve been up all night cuz I was afraid to go to sleep and not hear the alarm in time to go to court today for the little macho bully male pig.

I slept all night yesterday plus all day due to that fucking medication the shrink gave me.

I’m reading a book about people with sexual dysfunctions who go into therapy and use sex surrogates to cure their problems and I have decided to seek help for the problem I have where it’s too painful for a male to penetrate me which I read is called vaginismus caused by an obstruction or the walls of the vagina involuntarily tightening. I believe it would make me happier to solve the problem, and yes, I do sometimes wish I were straight and could marry a great guy and have a baby but it all goes back to my not being attracted to men. Yet I’d probably get an ugly female and I still believe that male or female I’d only get an asshole, and 98% of the males are assholes, so it’s mostly women that have assholes or are going to get them, not just me.

I know they don’t use sex surrogates here in Springfield. Most places don’t cuz they consider it prostitution, although I think in some cases, such as mine, it’s very helpful. I hope they can help me by just talking to me, but if I’m stupid enough to fall for a male, what if they rape me or beat me or steal from me or are like Ron, Nervous or Al? That’s all I get. What if I got another woman like Mary? I’ll never get a woman like Gloria. Never.

But I also decided that today I just might call that dating service for gay women called Woman To Woman. I hope I can afford it and if they give me a decent woman and I lose her or they give me a jerk, I want my money back.

[nox-the-former-demon]

>>Nel killed God.

Sorry, let me start from the beginning, I just really wanted to cut to the chase on this one. Ahem

In this post, I, ex demon Nox, will discuss the flaws of the old ways now that their arbiters are all gone, be it by their intent, their melancholy winning, or a violent outburst by someone who had had enough of their shit.

When I first took up my mantle, my job was simple. Agitate the waters of the river of death, check on the state of souls and if any were ready to cross over into the river of rebirth, scoop them out and toss them over. A quiet but mindful job that was simply done and monotonous as hell. On the other side, leaders would contemplate, plan, and direct their unders to use the souls as clay in a manner not unlike a sweatshop to mass produce and send on their way the lives to be born.

The issue with this system was that as the population grew, demand grew in turn, and with certain individuals being extremely stuck in their ways, there was a growing demand on the people working the system. I think it was that stress coupled with the monotony that pushed me to my limit and made me do the things I did. The system was broken in ways I could obviously see and I didn’t want to perpetuate it.

Funnily enough my rebellion did necessitate some level of change. The river of death now has intentional bottlenecks that create harsher flows that do the agitation automatically, and some of the more… stained souls will be put into a cage of sorts and left in these areas for extended periods to really scrub away the past they had.

The river of rebirth, by comparison, has apparently taken some level of modernizing. I don’t claim to know the details for that, I wasn’t too privy to that side of things during my time. But I do know that they’ve sped things up and lightened the work.

But the fact that a war needed to happen to make these changes is but one of the many reasons why the old ways didn’t work. And more importantly, why the old people needed to go.

In a past post I mentioned Cariel, Death, and a third individual I left unnamed just to avoid stirring the pot too much. I did so because their chosen name was the name of the god Christianity and the rest of the Abrahamic religions venerate. God, Yhwh, etcetera etcetera. For simplicity’s sake I’ll henceforth refer to that one as Y. And Y is far and away the central point of this post.

As you know by now, Cariel reincarnated 31 years ago. And Death did so as well as year. These ancient spirits saw their time needing to end and ended it themselves on their terms so as to allow the world beyond life and death to have the room to grow. But Y… Y was a sticker. The founder of the Knights of Justice, the knower of all the old things, the last remaining soul to exist unchanged for two millennia. With a position like that, Y garnered respect and admiration. But also contempt and anger.

Asa and I have visitors time to time. Her and Nel’a guardians, a few other notable individuals, hell even my daughter Marisol is on friendly enough terms to use our body as a means of getting away from work time to time. And whenever they visit, they chat with Nel. And in recent months, many of them were stressed out and complaining. Complaining about Y. Complaining about the extra authority he now had. Complaining about how everyone was stressed out

Nel decided Y has to go.

The story as I’ve been told (as I was standing on guard duty over Nel’s body at the time) was that Nel broke out of the shackles of their physical form, projecting themselves out and up. They then shrunk their soul down to a tiny size to sneak up on him before growing to full size and lashing out with wolf like fangs and sharp claws and antlers. Allegedly he fought back, got a good blow in on Nel’s nose. But Nel held firm. They even showed Y Cariel’s old face for a moment. And then, they dunked Y into the river of rebirth a few times before tossing him in entirely, all before reinforcements could arrive.

Funny thing about the river of rebirth. It doesn’t have good effects on a soul that hasn’t been stripped by the river of death. It can deform and twist and damage a “complete” soul. Rather horribly. So Y was in no condition to keep existing after that. He’s been sent to the river of death for an extensive cleansing. One long overdue.

With this head stripped away, the system finally has room to change. To improve. The new generation has a clean slate to make the world better, to make the future more unique and more beautiful than it ever was.

And we have to thank Nel for killing God and allowing that to happen. And you wonder why I love that deer-fox?<<

[crippled-native]

I may have clicked the wrong one I’m so sorry about that, I believe I meant to click the PA at the ER. Sorry for any typos or confusion or wrong words I use talk to text. I’ll try to edit later. the worst experience I had was when I was on 2 occasions I was in the ER for the worst pains I’ve ever had in my life - first was the most stabbiest sharp nerve pain in my shoulder radiating to my arm/hands and to the other side. I literally told her eight when you have chronic pain was trying to work with them. She made the assumption that I wouldn’t want pain meds and said “I don’t like the harder stuff either” which is totally wrong for me, I’ve never had harder stuff so no I don’t want it per se but I HATE taking ibuprofen it’s bad for the kidneys right so I obviously wanted an actual medicjne that would help my condition. She mocked me and said that I was taking a CHILDs dose and that I didn’t know the right dose that I was wrong about what the bottle said. I know it’s correct because of how I been taking it for years and me but because she said three every six hours are for every eight hours if you do the math that means to every four hours which is my normal dose. She prescribed me muscle relaxers when I told her the first ones didn’t work and didn’t like the way they felt and lidocaine patches which does absolutely nothing. It always happens that when I’m being treated by a white female practitioner I am not taken seriously and I’m often marked, and my experience was basically nothing in comparison to Face all the time, but it was still one of the worst for me probably the worst at all. Another time I was having pain in my bladder, which is a pain I’ve never experienced before and I’ve had horrible. For years, I don’t get periods anymore because of my birth control I know damn well And the PA emergency room ended up, suggesting that he wouldn’t be surprised if my pains turned into it. When I knew damn well that it had nothing to do with it. Because again I don’t get. And guess what your reproductive system is very different from your bladder and a period has nothing to do with pain that gets worse when you have a full bladder and then empty. I ended up being diagnosed with interstitial cystitis and prescribed amitriptyline for my pain. Thank God that medicine worked almost instantaneously because I would not be surviving without it. I was also prescribed low-dose naltrexone for the shoulder pain, and thank God that worked as well. I still have my normal crippling  chronic pain, but both of these conditions are manageable thankfully because of my two great doctors.  Even though the guy was being sexist at the ER I still am more upset about the other instance because I was literally over a 10 on the pain scale although I told them eight and she had the audacity to go to the next room, where a woman suspected that she had a broken ankle, which I completely respect she needed help as well, but literally offered her something to take the edge off basically when she said her pain was a six and mine was way higher. This is the most frustrating part about the idea of drug seekers because I don’t want drugs I don’t want heart medicine I just want something that is the correct prescription for what I’m going through which clearly fucking lidocaine patches, which are literally less effective than a damn salon Poss, patch and fucking muscle relaxers that make me feel Hella weird and didn’t do anything because guess what it had nothing to do with my muscles WAS NOT HELPING.  I no longer go to the hospital nearest to me because of personal reasons but this is actually a great hospital. The one that I go to so it says a lot that I still have these two experiences there. I’ve been there plenty of other times, and I do have good experiences generally but the standard is still solo. The bar is solo. This place is right and I do recommend it but I still had his experiences because it’s it’s a systemic issue.

Disabled/chronically ill people, ND people, and people who interact with medical providers often:

Just testing my own theories. Personally the worst care I've received was from a PA in the ER, and PA's consistently give me terrible gastric care.

For sake of the poll, a specialist is any doctor that specializes in a disease or body system. Example: rheumatologist, psychiatrist, gastroenterologist, OBGYN, etc.

Bonus if you're willing to share if your care was received in the ER or another place. You don't have to share the context of your care if you don't want to.

[girinma]

i've been lazy with posting this but finished two books on my last boat trip so my thoughts on Kraken by China Miéville and Under Ground by Megan Marsnik.

Kraken

another jacob geller recc and my least favorite of the 3 i've read. Museum specimen collection boy Billy gets his giant squid stolen and enters a world of urban fantasy. It's a fun romp though really good worldbuilding but the central plot ultimately falls flat. 7/10

I don’t understand where breaks between paragraphs are. The scene won’t change nor will the POV character. Why is there a blank line. It feels like it was a web serial and these were breaks from that but if so why maintain them in the print version? Also there will be an indent for dialogue when both lines are by the same person. Why????

Also while I liked the realism of the dialogue it was sometimes difficult to read because of the way things were written as if someone literally said them combined with the accents. Sorry for being anglophobic.

Under Ground

I don’t understand how this book came to a Charleston used book thing when it is so Minnesota regional? A mystery. Anyway it's the 1910s, Katya leaves Slovenia because her parents die and she moves in with her aunt and uncle in Minnesota. but uh oh! the iron mines fucking suck so the miners are going to go on strike. surely the management will be willing to negotiate. right? it's based on an actual strike which is neat. 6/10

In general it's very easy to read and reminded me of grapes of wrath. This is obviously not an Author Author so I cut her slack but there are multiple points where you can tell she’s basically recounting a real thing because it does not fully mesh with the narrative sections. Forrest Gump esque scenes.

I would have appreciated a map of Minnesota because I ain’t been there but also I don’t know how this book escaped Minnesota so ?

For a book about unions, it was Not Socialist Enough. I wanted more vitriol. It tries to paint a happy ending at the end but I think it should be more call to action. “These people will kill you and nothing will ever happen and they keep getting away with it.”

Loved the focus on women, very good. Yes comment on the unpaid household labor the girlies are doing so their husband can work twelve hours in the mine. A shift that long and in that time period? Couldn’t survive without a woman doing everything else in your life.

Boardinghouse is such a good setting. It had a great cast of characters and was very natural to have everyone around. I know they were real but I think it worked really well for the story.

I’ve realized I’m pretentious and don’t really like historical fiction. Like yeah I’ll read it but if I want to read a book set in the past I’ll just read a book from the time period…

Overall it was fine. Not super memorable but it was obviously a passion project so yay Megan happy you finished it and got published :)

AND spoilers under the cut as usual

KRAKEN

The ending is… I don’t know. I like it in some ways and not in others. It did a good job calling back to the beginning and I think it’s very funny to bring The Christian God into this polytheistic world. That being said, I don’t think Vardy’s plan was foreshadowed enough in the middle? As soon as he disappears it’s obvious what’s happening but before that it wasn’t really there beyond the beginning. Also I don’t get it. Ok, he pushed the squid apocalypse forward as cover for his actions? But how did he get Griz to want to steal the squid? I think Vardy giving him the idea should have been made explicit.

I wish the author went more meta with the Griz fight. Like, the book is printed in ink and he is ink! Use that! The author already has some fun with page breaks and italics n such, so put some strikethroughs when Griz is editing reality to delete things and have Billy use footnotes to put things back in. House of Leaves this. Also if he did this he could add like a scene that’s partially destroyed by the memory fire. Literally just add a REDACTED or something.

The little epilogue/finale sucked. Just pairing off characters in straight pairings as if billy and saira or collingswood had anywhere near the relationship of billy and Dane. make it gay. Dane also got a shit ending he should have died with more fanfare. I think the book should have just ended after the cops came and arrested people.

As I said before the worldbuilding is wonderful I love every little concept he comes up with. The gunfarmers are my favorite but it’s all very fun yet aware of the eccentricity. yes everyone has themes weapons and yes people complain about it to their leaders because guns would be more effective BUT NO. The familiar strike and Wati in general was also very fun. Leftist king.

I really dislike Billy’s arc? He starts out interesting - refusing the call, he’s a funny little academic thrust into the world of fantasy. I like how long he’s sad that Leon died but I wished he had more to say about him. Like little things reminding him of Leon and not just reliving the moment he died. But as he comes to accept his role he becomes very much a vehicle of the plot. He becomes simply Hero without ever really using his skills (no preserving no squid knowledge no biology knowledge) and even though yes he lies a bit he isn’t A Liar. He does a little taxonomy at the end with Griz but I want more. He gets a phaser and then he just does what other people tell him. It’s like the author forgot Billy could have any knowledge from before the story started.

Under Ground

Everything after the bar shoot out is rushed but doesn’t go straight to epilogue? Like there was a struggle to wrap things up when the strike fails in real life and nothing good happens ever.

The romance was cuuuuute very cheesy in a This is a Book for Women ;) way but overall it was good. I will take Katka’s “this guy is sooo hot I’m immediately in love with him and will fantasize about him for years before he comes back from prison for being anti-American” over Billy’s “I need to fuck a magician let me call all the women I know.” I did wish there was more of a honeymoon period and not just Paul coming back and being like “I’m also madly in love with you yayayay” because if he got to know her he would have loved her. She is not just some Slovenian girl but she also works on an independent newspaper and does journalism!! His union leader ass would love her pro-labor reporting.

Katka is kind of a bland character though. I KNOW it’s 1915 but she literally is only an individual because she 1. Can type and 2. Likes guns. Could she have a fucking flaw? She needed inner conflict - have her be against the strike and come to view it as necessary, or maybe she’s depressed due to her parents dying and doesn’t see why she should care about the future. She needed something going on Internally beyond “paul <3”

[dianaritteroflows]

7/3/2023 - 1:38 PM

Dear diary,

Happy Full Buck Moon!

What have I been up to? Nothing special. 

I gave the address of one of the guys i fucked to scientology. We’ll see what happens from there. To be sure I also signed him up for a separate email service. And then to have one of their representatives to reach out to him. Exciting stuff!

I also gave him an anonymous text message about having an std (specifically HIV and gonorrhea.) I kinda fucked up when I realized since I did this all at once, he’s probably going to just think that someone is fucking with him. SOOO i feel mad. I should’ve calculated better. HOWEVER, he is a dumbass so he might take all of it seriously without an idea that someone is fucking with me.

To continue my reign of terror, I’m going to send 5 more anonymous texts to other guys too. We’ll see how it goes!

I’ve been in a mood lately. Might be because I’m bleeding. can you believe I thought I was pregnant? Actually rightfully so, I had sex 7 days before the bleeding began. Yes, no rubber. And when he came he wasn’t exactly sure if he had done it in me. I was too tired to care. But i should’ve obviously cared a bit more because I WAS OVULATING. 

Bought a pregnancy test with a result that came up negative. I’m going to of course try again later when I’m closer to when my period is.

Actually, why the hell am i bleeding? It’s not even spotting, it’s like I’m having a light period. it’s still fucking with my mind.

God (literally talking to God), can you imagine if I got pregnant with his child? We both have huge foreheads, it would be terrifying. But at least if he has thick eyebrows and my eyebrows are naturally thin, we should even out with our child (THAT DOES NOT EXIST). And i think we would have a cute kid (THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN THOUGH BECAUSE I’M NOT FUCKING PREGANT)

Anyways the reign of terror continues! I’m going to send a couple of more anonymous text messages that people have HIV over the next couple of days. I’m also going to sign a couple up for health insurance spam. Just because I’m in a spiteful mood. After that, I think I’m going to hold back until my next plan comes to me. 

Tonight is the full buck moon. Every full moon I like to get my manifestations all down. They always come true, so i stick to this practice very spiritually and religiously. 

You know what’s insane (besides me)? Everything i manifest comes true. I’m literally who I wanted to be. Over 2 months ago I thought writing down everything I wanted would be WAAY too much. But everything has worked out for me. Because I’m just lucky like that. I’m ruled by Jupiter so it makes sense. 

But the more I think about it the more insane it is to me. I wrote down so much and accomplished so much more. I need to defend myself more because I am capable of so much more than I know. Everything I want is already mine. Insane how things just work out for me.

And i really mean that. The Lord is constantly looking out for me. He just has my back. I thought getting rejected by every sorority was gonna be my downfall, but He really had my best intentions at hand. Every girl I know that joined is fucking miserable. You know what capital M, Miserable. I have so much more luck than I can even perceive. If one sorority had not rejected me, I would’ve gladly joined that one and become more insane than I usually am. Like actually. I think I would’ve borderline tried to end it all. But because the Lord was looking out for me, my mental health has actually been incredible been semester. Sure, could take better care of myself? Absolutely. But am I on the border of where I was last semester? NO way. I’m so much better. I’m so much happier. I know who I am. And I can the Lord for that. 

[desperate4dopamines]

More work rambles under cut

I also like the customers. Its fun to help them find exactly what they need, and get to know them. A lot of times they’re so appreciative and one time someone tried to tip me! I am not allowed to accept tips so I didn’t take it, but the gesture was appreciated.

I’m incentivised to sell big and sell a lot but I don’t need to. My belief is that it goes a long way to have customers trust ur not leading them certain directions bc of your own gain. Nothings more off putting than a salesman obviously trying to sell to you. so I operate more like “I’m here to help you to the best of my abilities and whatever happens, happens”

Only thing I go out of my way to push is one of the plans we offer. Its genuinely a good offer for what it includes. Especially for some items which I KNOW are more inclined to break.

So far this method has had me reach goal last period, and I’m on track to reach it this period as well! Many customers have really appreciated my help and that’s what makes the job extra enjoyable. I just like helping out where I can. I guess I’m an acts of service type person because I really like doing everything I need to make sure my customers (and coworkers) are happy.

Sometimes customers aren’t happy tho. So far I’ve been able to handle them well. Most of the time, I’m right there with them and make sure they know that. Even if they’re not that upset its usually something that should’ve never happened and so I want them to know that this minor mistake is absolutely not acceptable. Our big thing as a company is top notch service, and by golly I will give it to them.

This approach works very well when it’s something fixable, but sometimes it’s not.

Lately our issues have been bc a contractor we work with. Sometimes he’ll do work without telling us the cost. And we operate by taking the item, getting the cost estimate, and then telling the customer. From there they can accept the price (we do the work) or not (they pick up the item in the same condition it’s dropped off) so…. Fixing the item without telling us the cost is a BIG deal. Sometimes the work can be reversed, and thank god for that. but sometimes it really can’t be. And in that rare worst-case-scenario, the customer has to pay or we keep the item. Aka my nightmare.

To prevent this, I started organising the repairs by which need price quotes and which don’t. Somehow he still did work without informing us of the price. And believe me, I double and triple check that my piles are correct and very obvious. Even if I mess up tho, it’s still on him to make sure he does what he’s supposed to. I just wanna help prevent further issue- to err is to be human after all. Yet somehow, he still went ahead and did a very expensive repair. Thank god it was reversible. He tried to get us to offer the customer a lower price so he didn’t have to undo it… but he wasn’t gonna lower the cost of his work in tandem. So it would be us taking the loss on his mistake. My manager was not pleased with that arrangement (plus it would kinda incentivise him to do this more ngl. Hes a nice guy and I doubt he has bad intentions tho.)

On my first month here I had to call customers about picking up finished items. A customer asked me how much the repair cost (strange, they should’ve been told before work was done) so I told them cheerily that it’ll be $750. He was so taken back he had me say it again. Apparently he was quoted 150. Which, idk how considering how we do prices. There was no way someone could mess it up like that. You would think he would realise the price is wrong bc the work we did is obviously a lot more than that- but hey, mot everyone knows that kinda stuff.

We chalked it up to either mishearing over the phone, the guy wrote it down and his 7s look like 1s, or maybe he thought being upset could get him a lower price. Which it did, we lowered it to 500 for him but he was still upset of course. I personally choose to believe he wrote down the price and his 7s look like 1s. An honest mistake and a reason why we should have a written contract for the prices at least if they’re over a certain amount. I’m surprised we don’t already. All prices are done over our shitty phone that is older than I am.

Another (more recent) time we had an item come in. A wedding band. They wanted it engraved and the size changed. No problemo, very standard easy work that won’t take any time at all. When the item came in tho, it was polished. The style was a matte ring with polished sides. But it was ENTIRELY shiny. The customer was convinced we wanted to give them the wrong ring!!!! Like oh my god no. And of course my coworker handled it, the one coworker that I know probably didn’t exactly make the customers feel heard lol… she’s a great saleswoman, but could work on how she handles upset customers (or hand them to me so I can be mad with them)

So we send this ring back to be fixed… it comes back ALL MATTE. and ONLY THEN did we realise they messed up the engraving. Usually, if the metal stamp is in the way of the engraving, it’s flattened down and placed stamped somewhere else on the ring. On this ring, there’s THREE metal stamps, two of them are inside the engraving. What the hell. Usually this contractor does great work so what the HELL. One coworker says the ring is cursed and has bad energy. I can’t even disagree lol.

I hate the repairs part of the job because it’s so stressful. So much can go wrong and there’s not much that can be done to prevent it bc it’s out of my hands. I often hope we don’t get any repairs in at all. But Id never turn someone away or make them feel like an annoyance for having a repair tho. We 9/10 do great work and ppl appreciate it. Sometimes we can even go above and beyond and that’s the best feeling. like the time we fixed a guys heirloom for free! He didn’t emote much but he kept iterating how grateful he was and how much it meant to him :’) it was such a meaningful heirloom to him and I got to know the whole history of it so being able to get that fixed for free??? Priceless.

We offer quite a few free services and quite a few are tedious and annoying. Like I’ve mentioned cleaning silver, that’s something we can do for free, and it’ll likely be done by me bc it’s fun! We also get (usually older) ppl coming in for us to detangle chains for them. We don’t offer or advertise this service, but we do it because why not. I find it very relaxing, so, like silver, it’s become a thing my coworkers go to me for. And I’m all for it!!! Bring it on. The more tangled, the better.

But I only like it when the customer leaves it with us to pick up in some hours/days. I’ve had customers who just sit and watch and that’s nerve wracking lol. Everyone who’s done that was lovely, but it’s hard to find any task relaxing when you’re being watched.

Anyways this concludes work rambles.

Tldr: I like my job. I like helping people. Sometimes stressful shit happens. I like doing tasks others find annoying.

working on (partial) commission is kinda fun. I have a sales goal so everyday I check where I’m at within it and the number goes UP!!! Then I’m like wrow I’m winning points at my job and if I get enough points I get highlight on the chart (and an extra percentage of commission)

[unfoundhoney]

a sister’s sacrifice ; part three ↠

↠ platonic!c!sleepy bois inc x fem!reader , platonic!c!tubbo x fem!reader ; angst just angst

↠ masterlist

↠ part one ; part two ; part three ;

↠ @leafyturtle @basheverythingyesterday @terribletoothbat @bestioe @junoblad3 @machiebach @ok-honey

when considering the deaths of the people on the dream smp server, yours is the hardest

schlatt was detested by all when he’d died

few people still truly cared for wilbur when he met his end; the man he once was was long gone by then

but you

you never changed

you were a constant for so many & immovably kind to the rest

selfless, giving, caring

even when you just wanted an escape, you came to the aid of your brothers

you gave the ultimate sacrifice & paid the price

everyone mourns you

when the battle is won & dream locked away indefinitely

once everyone has come down from the high of freeing themselves from dream’s reign, the server goes into a state of grieving

there’s no denying your death

they all saw the message in chat

you’re dead

those that were close to you took it hard

niki was narrowly stopped from burning down the bakery you encouraged her to open and helped build

eret put her emotions into work on a memorial in their museum for you

even under the egg’s control, bad & ant put the eggpire aside for you

of course, those who took it the hardest is your family

when ghostbur learns of your death, he’s distraught

he doesn’t quite know how to handle the information

he protects your home & only allows people to enter when he supervises them

tommy took a while to move past his anger & deal with the fact that you’re gone

tubbo ran off to start snowchester

he chose to distract himself rather than truly process his emotions, even if you’d always done your best to break that habit of his

now that you’re not around, who’s to stop him from letting himself be numb to it all?

techno is another one of your family members who chose to barely acknowledge your passing

he became somehow more monotonous & emotionless

and phil

...

there’s no word for a parent who loses a child

wilbur was gone & of course it messed phil up to be the one to take will’s last life but by that point his son was gone

but you

you’d always been such a genuinely good person

phil did so little for you as a father

he was so absent

he never apologized to you for that

he never told you how much he loves & appreciates you & everything you’ve done to keep their family together when he couldn’t be bothered

it’s a few hours after he received the news from ranboo that all the guilt for everything he had ever put you through hit him

he broke down in his kitchen while trying to distract himself by organizing his cupboards

but all he could think about was you

you & your never ending kindness & compassion

he was never a father to you

yet you never hated him

why couldn’t you have hated him?

it would hurt less to lose you if you hated him; it’s what he deserves

he’s unworthy of your love

but he can only dwell so long on you

you are given a proper funeral

you’re buried by the seashore, somewhere between l’manberg and tommy’s abandoned vacation homes in an open field

the sever members plant so many flowers, your gravesite becomes a flower field

but soon, life goes on

it will only hurt for longer to draw out the mourning period

it would do no good for anyone

besides, you wouldn’t want the server to be sad for your sake

techno supposes it’s for the best that you died

he does his best to move on, filling his days with resource gathering and upgrading his tools, weapons, and armor while trying to think through his emotions logically

as much as he liked you

as much as everyone liked you, you were too good

you were the best of them

fate is not kind to heroes

“hello!”

technoblade is not an easy man to sneak up on, let alone scare

the greeting itself isn’t want startles him

it’s turning toward the voice to lock eyes with you

you who is dead

techno is not proud of the sound he made when he saw you but you of all people wouldn’t make fun of him for it

he just stares at you, slowly realizing what’s happened

you look desaturated, the color drained from your clothes

your skin is grey & almost translucent

you’re a ghost

“y/n.”

“hello! who are you?”

techno tells no on one of your ghost form

he even keeps the rest of the server a secret from you

he leads you to your old home & leaves you there w/ ghostbur

he hopes your and ghostbur’s combined amnesia will keep you out of harm’s way i.e. the rest of the server

he visits you occasionally but mostly leaves you be

you live happily with ghostbur for a while

he is very glad to have you back

his memory is nearly as bad as yours, so the story of the server & what happened to you when you were alive is only given to you in bits & pieces that are near impossible to fit together

it was only a matter of time before someone came to visit your house

“...y/n?”

it’s tubbo who finds you first

or he finds your ghost

(tubbo) y/n! oh my god! you’re a ghost! you’ve come back!

(you) hello! *whispers* ghostbur, who is this?

(ghostbur, whispering obviously) that’s tubbo, one of your other brothers i’ve told you about

(you, whispering) oh, right

(tubbo) how long have you- oh, this is incredible! i have to tell tommy! he’s been so sad since you died; he’ll be so glad to see you!

tubbo messages tommy, who is skeptical but reluctantly comes to your house anyway

but there you are

your ghost anyway

which is good enough, honestly

(tommy) y/n!

you catch him in a hug easily, even if you’ve never met him before

(tommy) you’re alive!

(you) no i’m not. i’m a ghost!

techno happens to check in on you when tubbo & tommy are there

bad news for technoblade: you’d told them about techno leading you here

meaning: tommy knows techno hid you from him & everyone else

needless to say, he is not too happy about that

(tommy) you hid her! you kept her away from us!

(techno) tommy, you have to understand-

(tommy) i don’t have to understand shit! you hid her from us! you lied to us!

(techno) tommy-

(tommy) you kept her from everyone! you’re selfish and you’re a liar and you’re horrible and-

(techno) i did it to protect her! she’s been hurt enough protecting others; it’s our turn to protect her. the only way we can do that is by leaving her alone

(tommy) she’s my sister

(techno) your sister is dead, tommy. for once in her life, let her have peace

tommy gives up on techno & goes to you instead

(tommy) y/n! y/n, we can bring you back. we can revive you. well, dream can revive you but he’s in prison so he has to do what we say so we can bring you back. we can be a family again. don’t you want to come back?

(you) ...no

that

...

that isn’t what tommy was expecting

(tommy) what?

(you) if alive y/n comes back, i won’t exist anymore. and i’ve only just got here. i don’t want to go yet

(tommy) don’t you understand how much y/n means to me? y/n has to come back. she has to. she’s so important. not just to me but to, um... tubbo as well! right, tubbo? don’t you want y/n back?

tommy looks to tubbo for some backup but the shorter boy looks away

(tubbo) i think we need to let y/n go, tommy

the betrayal that fills tommy’s chest is soon gone as he locks eyes with techno

tommy knows techno is right

you’re too much of a good person

you’re too willing to sacrifice yourself for others

even as a ghost your kindness is blinding

this server will only drain you of everything you have yet again

he will drain you of everything you are

he’s just tried to convince you to cease to exist to bring back the former version of yourself

(you) i’m sorry. it’s just- i’ve heard there are these really pretty blue flowers in the swamp biome that i haven’t got to see yet-

(tommy) no. it’s fine. i’m sorry. i-... i should go.

tommy leaves your house & tubbo goes with him

even if tubbo caught on a bit sooner to techno’s reasoning, he’s still concerned at his friend’s sudden change in character

(tubbo) tommy... are you alright?

(tommy) ...i really want her back

(tubbo) i do, too. but she’s gone

(tommy) she doesn’t have to be

tubbo can’t argue with that

(tommy) but... maybe it’s for the best

(tubbo) really?

(tommy) yeah.

(tubbo) but just earlier you were telling me about your plan to get the revive book from dream

(tommy) techno’s right, tubbo. all everyone- myself included- has ever done to y/n is take. and she’s given everything

(tubbo) because she loved us

(tommy) as much as she loved us and as much as we loved her... the only thing we’ve ever brought her is pain. i think now... now is her time to rest.

(tubbo) ...that’s very pog champ of you, big man

tommy had planned to visit dream as many times as it took to get the revive book location off of him so he could revive you, but now he’s accepted that he needs to move on

he needs to move on from you & dream & everything dream has put him through

he decides to pay one last visit to dream, put him behind him, & never look back

he’s ready to start a new chapter in his life, one without dream

and the first one without you

but then he’s locked in the prison

two weeks pass

nearing three weeks & tommy still isn’t allowed out of dream’s cell

he’s irritated and annoyed and most of all he’s scared

but he can’t let dream know he’s still afraid of him, that’s why he pisses dream off enough to the point of being beat to death

tommy begs him to stop

but then he’s gone

everything is dark

black

empty

nothing

is this what death is?

conscious in absolute nothingness?

tommy’s feet feel the ground beneath him

his senses come back to him

it’s still dark but he feels as though he can see again

where is he?

heaven?

no, probably hell

or maybe neither?

both...?

what the hell happened?

the first thing to break the silence is the voice tommy has known since he was an infant

the voice of the person who raised him

the voice of the person who has always been there for him

the voice of the person who he has finally let go of

your voice

saying one simple word

“tommy?”

[babymilkawa]

random boyfriend headcanons no. 2 with:

bakugou katsuki

gn!reader :)

no. 1

Bakugou rubs his head on ur neck because ur warm and he wants you to pet his hair

sometimes if you’re chilling and sitting face to face, he’ll ✨softly✨ slam his forehead with yours and u guys have a glaring contest

u lose obviously

but he’s there for that cute scrunch u do that’s meant to be intimidating

if he wants you to pet his hair he’ll even nudge your shoulder with his head so you can get the frigging hint 😤

at this point I should just do cat!bakugou hcs amiright

and whenever you yawn, he’ll put his finger in between your teeth and maybe get a little excited when you bite them 👀

bakugou loves anything squishy

and if it’s part of you? even better

he’ll just rub his face on them

give them vacuum kisses

by now, he’s used to the fact that your mere presence can have his heart doing jumping jacks

he’s given up on trying to deny it

that doesn’t mean that he won’t do the same to you

man will find ANYTHing to get you flustered or annoyed

not straight up pissed tho, that’s somewhere he doesn’t wanna go

if he does manage to piss you off, unintentionally, his lower lip will droop down to his feet I swear

if you’re passing by each other at the hallway, he’ll just whoop, pick you up by the waist, turn you so that you’re going the same direction as he is and drag you to wherever he’s going

your body is like this straight stick when he does that it’s hilarious

whichever hand you write with, he’ll sit on that side of you and go nudge

your pencil, flying across the page

he gives you forehead flicks period

just a “dumbass” flick

if you do that to him, he’ll scoff like he can’t even feel it but when he thinks you’re not looking, frantically rubs that spot on his forehead LmaO

dammit why do they flick so hard

on lazy Sunday mornings, he’ll cling on to you unless he’s got work to do

if he has to get up before you, he’ll just sit at your desk and watch you

asks you to go the hell back to sleep if you wake up early on a relax day

he’s soft during the night ok

will look at you straight in the face in the dim glow of your lamp and just caress your cheek

he has so much to say but he doesn’t know where to start

he wants to tell you that looking into your eyes makes him fall deeper into his love pit

he wants to tell you that kissing you feels like he’s tasting heaven

that holding and touching you makes him want to put a ring on that finger

he wants to keep you, he wants it all

but he’s bad with words and doesn’t want to mess anything up

instead he speaks with his eyes and his actions

you seem understand exactly what he’s feeling and you feel the same way too

except you tell him exactly that

that you can’t believe he’s yours, that you don’t want to imagine a life without him 

the emotion swimming in his eyes don’t change but his thumb stroking your cheek, falters, clearly flustered from your words

presses his forehead to yours and nudges your nose with his

your limbs are tangled together and bakugou’s heart is just at its limit when you plant the softest kiss on his lips

it bursts

you can practically see red hearts bouncing off his body and flying around your room

pulling you back to his lips, he tries to cover the heat in his cheeks but you can feel them against your own

yikes did not mean for this to be a Drabble for how much he loves you 

anywaysss, bakugou sneaks money into your wallet huehue

if you’re going out with friends, he’ll put some extra cash in there, or slip in a small plastic water bottle

he also carries your bag for you, no buts

I don’t understand why some men are uncomfortable with this

if you’ve been out for a while and you’re feet are tired, he’ll offer a piggy back ride

but only cos “u won’t stop whining abt ur feet”

will complain about you being heavy, receiving a wack on his head

but he’ll also massage your cute ass feet when you’re home

maybe even kiss your toes a little

when you’re eating together, he’ll fill up your plate first with the food u like

maybe stuff it a little too full to hear you complain and pass it back to him

..only for him to sneak it in there when ur not looking

whenever you start reading/watching sthing he’s already seen/read, he’ll PRETEND to spoil sthing for you

like he’ll say that a specific character died or sthing but they didn’t and u, thinking that he’s telling the truth, start ur stages of grief and he’s like “tch just watch, brat”

so you’re mentally preparing yourself for the death of that character and you’re complaining abt getting attached to them but once you finish it, it never happens

“HAAa??” you look at him instantly and he’s there snickering his ass off

he’ll never really spoil it tho, he just loves to see your reaction

at this point, just don’t tell him you’ve started sthing

even then he’ll find out, I mean he won't purposely snoop around, it’s just cos u suck at hiding things babe

n ur trying to cover his mouth with ur hands before he can utter a single word

he wants you to tuck him to sleep

but it doesn’t happen very often because a. he won’t verbally say he wants it and b. it only happens when you’re not sleeping together bc he’ll just pull you into his arms if u do 

but he almost never does it to you unless you need sleep more than he does or you won’t stop your whining

he just looves to have ur face be the last thing he sees and to have ur comforting hands tuck the blanket all snug around him

and oh my god the finishing touch is having you kiss his forehead

man goes over the moooon

will take candid pics of u

like he’ll grumble if you pull him in for a selfie but he’ll be that person who shows the corner of his face and you behind him lolol

you’re not looking at the camera in any of them but he still thinks u look stunning

ur side pROFILE UGH

has that photo widget for iPhones where you can put a picture on ur home screen and it changes every day

yea he does that

with his album for photos of u

yk sometimes bakugou just randomly slumps on you

like you could be standing and on ur phone answering a text rq when he just puts almost all his weight on you, almost

obviously enough to startle you but not enough for the both of you to fall

then ur forced to wrap ur arms around him and he can snuggle in ur neck mmm

a/n: wow I've had this in my drafts for a while and I’ve just been adding on to it lolol

bnha masterlist