#also i'm not depressed anymore so good thing it worked
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Was on Tw*tter a little too long and got really depressed and couldn't enjoy any of my music on my ride back from work because it seemed like every song's origin was corrupt in some way. So in retaliation I drew a thing of how it feels pretty much every time I go to my boyfriend's house
#the good ending#also i'm not depressed anymore so good thing it worked#still miss you though dan#my art#redrawn meme#dan is in the bathroom in the second panel#me when microwave noodles#:ᗫ#idk what genre this is. but it's like the opposite of vent art
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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another bad day let's go!!
i don't mind discomfort* but my shoes came apart at the seams so i had to buy a new pair and they are the same type as my old ones (that i dismissed after eight years of service because they had genuine holes in the leather) but they really don't flatter my always bad look and they weren't cheap but i needed them but it was a big expense i wasn't expecting to have right now but it was kinda necessary but now i am running down a semi-suicidal spiral
#i just feel super bad because my trousers also came apart in a way that couldn't be fixed and i bought a new pair#(plus the constant pressure of family judging my way of dressing in super bad words like 'you are disgusting' and 'you look so shameful')#anyway it's two big expenses i had to cover with the saving i was going to use for physiotherapy#and i don't know when i'm going to be paid for this month's work and i fear they will give me literally nothing#on a shallow note i also feel super bad because these shoes are comfortable but unflattering amd go bad with all my trousers#and i already have a super ugly face and duller personality and now a cruel voice inside my head is saying yeah but it's not these#boot's fault you are an unlovable bastard that's only your fault because tou are like this#so mm not having a good day at all#again#do i ever have good days anymore i wonder#kinda respect people who go shopping to keep at bay depression because if i ever buy one thing i will want to kill myself#notes of a countryside dandy
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/0ed6cdabe0f7e013107e74021af20d95/b7fd3d0d6973e5a1-89/s540x810/9ed70aa1795ff3a69377325425701dd615abc08b.jpg)
everything is shit i feel like shit, hatred in my heart and soul
#sorry to vent but also i'm gonna do a vent fuck you#i've been feeling so blehhh this past week#and like. yesterday afternoon and today i felt like things were getting better#and the something like. rlly minor happened and like. it's entirely thrown me off again and i hate it!!#i don't know. *how* to make things better cos it's almost entirely like my mental state fucking up#rather than like. actual events i can focus on#i've just been so. ://////////////////#and like. yes there was probably an event that kind of. made things worse#but it shouldn't have been that big of a deal#also i'm so fucking tired all the time!! if you know me you know i don't get up past like 11 each morning#so i'm fucking getting enough sleep. why am i like this#i just. feel like shit. even going on fun little walks isnt helping anymore#i dunno. like i said things were getting a bit better. i finally managed to get myself to go to the gym which i hadn't for over a week#that helped a bit. and work acc went well today and yesterday#i'm just. ehhh i hate that something so minor can throw off again and now i hate everything and i want to scream#sorry as well that ik i'm leaving a few people hanging when it comes to replying to messages#i'll try to get round to it just like. no energy. feel like shit. you know#just. i hate that i'm feeling like this i want to be productive i want to do stuff cos ik that's gonna help#and i actually was starting to build up good habits but it's just all fallen down recently :((#i dunno. maybe i've got fucking reverse seasonal depression or something (not actually this is called a joke)#cos my winter was rlly good#or that's just. the way of life. if things are good for a while they then have to be bad again for balance#which i understand but don't like >:((#anyways. yh. shit sucks. i hate that i am being like this. screaming crying throwing up etc.#bear with me a while till i can find my feet again#marchibald's
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I hope i get my Dad's silver hair when I get older, it looks really cool and i think it'd feel a bit like carrying a piece of him with me always
#orion rambles#it's so so weird to see growing old as something that will happen to me#for so long i thought I'd die before like 25 but that's just around the corner. I'm turning 23 soonish and I'm not going to die#i don't really want to die anymore#and that's such a big overwhelming thing#despite the horrors of the world i want to be here to see the good parts#ro see my sister become an adult#to watch my cousins and friends get married#to maybe get a long term partner(s) and take care of children of my own someday#it's just#the medication i was put on about a year ago for my migraines is technically an antidepressant that is commons used for hard to treat cases#of depression and. it's working like noticably#it's not perfect and maybe if i was on a higher dose of it or had another antidepressant and an antianxiety med added to my mix of daily#medication I'd feel even better. like a normal person is supposed to#but the weight of the world doesn't hang so heavy on my shoulders nearly as often anymore#and that's an amazing thing#so here i am crying in my dorm room at 2:30 am when i need to be awake at 8 because i want to live#I'm graduating in the fall#I'm going to miss this place and everything and everyone that I'll possibly lose contact of when i leave but it'll be a new chapter of life#and though I'm normally terrified of change I'm also a bit excited to#*too#going to eat a snack tgen shower and sleep#see y'all on the other side#if you're reading this i hope you are doing good and that life is treating you kindly#take care of yourself#<3
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last night everyone was having traumas back to back and I wish none of it happened but it feels nice to be the first person they call
#at least your birthday was technically over#and poor kay#feel so sad for her#life mang#I wanna not be at my busy ugly job today#at least I ate my weight in mini blueberry pancakes today#didn’t sleep enough and have lots of anxiety today#listened to noah kahan on break because his voice soothes my brain#my poor niece man#the text she just sent depressed me so bad#I'm too sensitive to other peoples pain like whyyyy do I feel it too#it's also her tho and never want her to be heartbroken#maybe it'll be best in the long run though idk anymore#itll work out how it's suppose to but also idk if u can come back from that#asking and hearing that response l'd be done for sure#but it sucks and I wanna protect her from stuff like this#shes strong and she'll be okay with or without him#she just doesn't know that right now and is being delulu about it because she loves him#let’s see what happens this time#could just be smoothed over again but I’ll definitely see him differently now#and worry about this happening every few months because she deserves more#sucks cus he’s a really good kid and takes care of her but obviously needs to work through things alone rn and grow#just want her to be happy and feel emotionally safe especially with all the abandonment issues she’s gotta have hurts me#poor kid it sucks#she’ll be okay though
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I thought the october curse was gonna be skipped this year based on the fact I got a job on the first day but like. it turns out that was the bad luck disguising itself at good news and it's just another normal october
#i think a lot about how july 2020 was mediocre and july 2021 was one of the worst months of my life#and i made it known that i didn't trust july anymore. and it must've taken that as constructive criticism and my god it listened to me#bc then july 2022 was one of the best months of my life#and the two julys since have been pretty good as well#like that is so nice from july what a good friend#CANNOT say the same for october. like since 2014 every single one has been significantly terrible (except 2015 and maybe 2018)#2014 depressed. 2016 no friends depressed. 2017 giving nothing. 2019 dropped from what was a really good year#2020 like every mental illness known to man. 2021 All the horrors happening at once. 2022 the aromantic's worst nightmare#2023 was just awful#and then 2024's theme is having an absolutely miserable job after like 15 months of unemployment#i only get 3 days off and i can't even enjoy them bc i know what they're leading to#my shifts are too short to be allowed breaks but way too long for that to be comfortable#there've been times the day before a shift when i think about going and end up feeling nauseous and that's never even happened before lol#i get paid in like week apparently so i might try and wait until then but like#also the worst part is it's basically what i did when i was 17 (kitchen porter/assistant/whatever) so i keep comparing them#except there were parts of that job i enjoyed like the dishwasher and the cool shower looking tap and doing the plates and cutlery etc#and also the people i worked with. and the shifts weren't too bad. and i had a glorious hyperfixation#anyway this job is none of those things it's actually all the things i specifically disliked about the other one lol#i miss the dishwasher she was so cool. i miss the hyperfixation i had in 2017 (but when do i not)#but yeah i guess the only advantages of this job is I'll have money again and it's more motivation to look for another job#once again wishing i was 17 bc she wasn't happy and had no friends or aim in life but she listened to a lot of music so#idk why i always get addicted to 2017 nostalgia maybe bc it was such a mediocre year#like if i start wishing I was 13 or 15 or 19 or 22 I'm just gonna get depressed bc they were so good#but there's no reason for me to want to be 23 or 20 or 16 or 14 bc like. what is there to want about those#but 17 is so average it's like a low enough standard or something idk. anyway#ramble
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..
#Had a suicide attempt last month#Think my 3rd in 3 years#But im finally getting medicated with things that help#I came really really close this time#But it feels like im making real progress this time#I got time off to rest and recuperate#I just want to stay on a good path with this#Im anxious about being back at work but I try to remind myself there's nothing I cannot do#I'm making a little extra money doing nails for people. That feels really good to create beauty for people they can take with them#I've never felt like I could have an artistic career before but it feels really doable now#I think im finally healing from my lowest back in 2020/2021 and making progress unlike my other attempts at therapy/medication#It did really take almost dying to get better and for my family to take my mental health seriously#I wish I could reach out and talk to you sometimes. But I think its for the best that I don't#I'm learning there are just some people who are okay to love from afar and no closer#Idk if it'll ever really heal totally even if it was nearly abusive at the end and definitely manipulative#But I don't feel torn in half anymore#Or like I deserved the punishment and ridicule#Or earned the disrespect#I will not ever let myself feel like that again#And I'm finally learning what that feels like with my new meds- finally have a life vest in a sea of depression#From a lifetime of fucked stuff#Things are still hard dont get me wrong#But its nice to see a light for the first time#Also prozac fucking sucks im so glad it works for some people but I am loving lexapro and am glad to be rid of the fucking brain zaps#ok to like
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I've been going thru a major creative block recently and I'm really depressed over it
#there's so much stuff I want to do but can't#I'm trying to finish some valentines adopts that I want to sell but Im struggling to finish the linearts as well as find good colors#for the characters#I've also gotta publish the next chapter of my book which is late AGAIN#but every time I open the word document to write I cannot put down anything interesting or coherent#I tried to switch to preparing some draft one shots for ockiss week but even with that I'm facing the same issues#I talked to my therapist about my creativity block and she said I just need to carve out time for myself#like. alone time where I can be creative in a way where it also doesn't feel like a chore to make things#but I don't have the ability to make that time#between work and my datemate almost constantly being around I have no way to get that#and even during the times I do get to be alone all I want to do is scroll thru tumblr and reddit or watch videos#I can't even imagine amvs to music anymore for fuck's sake!#I'm literally always fucking tired and mentally drained#I can't do the things I once loved anymore because it feels too overwhelming to put in the energy#I've tried ti meditate too to see if that would help but my brain is constantly thinking#so that doesn't help at all#and I have nobody to talk to or interest in any media to help get the creative juices flowing again#AND on top of that everyone in my life just seems set to make sure I'm as miserable as possible 24/7#ok maybe that last part is just the depressing talking but it does still feel that way#I feel so lost man. I just want to sleep for 2 months straight#sam's rants about life
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I'm Your Fluffer!
Pairing: Spencer Reid x female reader (best friends to lovers)
For @imagining-in-the-margins FWB Challenge!
Prompt: "I'm your boyfriend without the benefits." "Do you want the benefits?" "Yes- No... I'm your fluffer!" (Inspired by New Girl) (yes, I suggested this prompt, bo idc if that's cheating)
Warnings: Mentions of BDSM, unprotected vaginal sex, oral sex (f receiving), fingering, choking, mentions of spanking, and butt worship, slight Dom Spencer, bratty reader, creampie. The classics, yk.
A/N: I'm back!!!! I took a break because I couldn't bring myself to even look at a word document for about a month, but there's nothing like a Pom challenge to get me writing again! I did have a lot planned for my 1 year anniversary, but because I was sick, and then busy, and then work got hectic, I had to put it off. I still am going to try to finish my kink bingo Carr, though, even though its a month late, but I had two fics left iirc, and I have both of them plotted, so I may as well! I will, however, be abandoning the final epilogue of I Can't Help Myself, because I wrote myself into a depressed corner with that one, and honestly, some people were getting very pushy about it, and it wasn't fun anymore. Anyway! This one was fun to write, so I'm going to stick to one shots for the foreseeable future, or incredibly limited series.
Masterlist
Spencer was your friend. A good friend. Your best friend, perhaps. A really good, very best friend.
Obviously, you were good friends because he always knew when you were feeling down. He bought you flowers regularly when he passed by flower shops. He came over to your place and helped you build every piece of flatpack furniture you had, which, as a single woman in your mid-twenties, was every piece of furniture that you owned.
You really looked forward to the movie nights the two of you had weekly. The popcorn, the blankets, the cuddling, his lips by your ear, in-time translating the foreign movies word for word as you watched it, the shivers down your spine as you pressed further into the heat of him.
Spencer was the best best friend you could ask for.
He was also the most frustrated.
“Kid, what are you doing this weekend? I'm thinking of hitting some clubs, you know, getting my groove on, maybe meeting A few ladies,” Morgan smirked, rubbing his hands together as he gently moved side to side, already dancing to himself as he anticipated his big weekend out. “You in, or are you in?”
“I can't. I promised Y/N I'd help her with some document digitalisation. We're going to order pizza and watch Star Trek while backing up her entire paper trail.”
The smile on Spencer's face was so stupid that Morgan had to stop himself from wiping it off of him immediately.
“Man, you are so down bad for that girl,” he mused, shaking his head.
“What? Down bad?”
“You like her. It's okay to admit it.”
“We're friends. I'm happy being friends,” Spencer said, picking up his bag and walking to the elevator desperate to escape a repeat of a conversation he'd already had three times that week.
“You know everyone thinks you're dating.”
“Well aware. Despite the number of times we've both stated to the contrary, people don't seem to accept ‘we're just friends’ when they hear it.”
“That may be because you're doing things that just friends don't do.”
“Everything we do is totally platonic.”
“You buy her flowers-
“I buy my mother flowers,” Spencer said, turning on the man and raising his hands in exasperation.
“You know that's different. Do you buy Emily flowers?”
Silence.
“What about JJ?”
“I bought JJ flowers!” He grinned triumphantly until the other man spoke again.
“When she was in the hospital. Giving birth. Okay, what about the movie nights?”
Rolling his eyes, the younger man walked on, pressing the bell for the elevator and allowing his friend to keep bothering him.
“Friends watch movies together, Morgan. We've watched movies together, are we dating?”
“One, you are not my type, pretty boy, and two, you didn't exactly have your dick pressed against my ass the entire time we watched a film now, did you?”
“Be q- be quiet. I don't have my dick against her ass ever.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, was it pressed against her stomach instead? I know she likes to lie on top of-”
“Derek!”
The elevator arrived, and the two quickly jumped in, to Spencer's relief.
“All I'm saying, kid, is-”
“Hold the elevator!” You shouted, running to it quickly with Penelope Garcia on your heels.
“Thanks, Spence!” You said, smiling at him as you entered the small space.
And continued your not too unsimilar conversation with Penelope.
“So, as I was saying Penelope,” you shot her a look that told her you were finished with the conversation. You were not dating Spencer Reid, and you were unlikely to in the future because of his total and complete lack of interest in you.
“You can set me up this weekend, right? It's been an age since I've been on a date, and I would really like to-” you glanced around the elevator and whispered the end of your sentence, suddenly mindful of your company. “You know.”
“If you're absolutely sure, I have a few men in mind that could throw you about, but-”
You squealed and squeezed the woman as the elevator landed on your floor and jumped out of the elevator quickly, cheeks burning.
“Thanks, Pen, you're the best!”
“Y/N, wait,” Spencer called out behind you, desperately holding the elevator open for a few more seconds.
“I thought we were doing your papers this weekend? Star trek, pizza, remember?”
You stared guiltily at the floor as you forced your voice to sound as casual as possible, not sure you could make any excuse that didn't sound pathetic.
“Oh, sorry, Spencer. I totally forgot. We can rain check, right? I… I really need this.”
Spencer was aware of what disappointment felt like, but it never hollowed out his chest like your lack of eye contact in that moment did.
“Yeah. Sure, of course. We can do that whenever.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Spencer. You're the best… friend.”
He smiled and let the door finally shut, aware of the two sets of eyes now watching him.
It took a surprisingly long time for the ‘I told you so’ to come, but come it did, as if Morgan were unable to help himself.
“You're telling me that you're not into her at all?”
“I'm…not into her like that at all.”
“And you're fine with me setting her up on a date with a man that'll do somewhat empowering, somewhat disgusting things with her?” Penelope piled on.
“What? That's…that's not my business,” he ground out.
“No. Of course it’s not. Because you're not her boyfriend.”
“Exactly, I'm not her boyfriend-”
“You're her fluffer.”
With a pat on the shoulder, the elevator hit its last stop, and Morgan exited, leaving Spencer scrambling after him as Penelope waved the two of them off.
“What? No, what's a fluffer?”
Morgan chuckled and waved him off, walking to his car.
“Come on, what's a fluffer, and why am I hers?”
“You've seen porn before, right?” The older man asked, pausing as he opened his driver side door. “Actually don't answer that. The fluffer is the person who keeps the actors and actresses… ready between takes. Prepares them for the good stuff.”
With a bright flush across his cheeks, Spencer tried his best for an indignant look, landing somewhat closer to a petulant child.
“I am not her fluffer. We have never-”
“I know you've never. If you had, we wouldn't be standing here right now having this conversation. What I'm saying is you should.”
“We're friends!”
Climbing into the car and closing the door, Morgan dismissed the younger man quickly, but he wasn't finished.
Knocking on the door, Spencer waiting a beat, then two for it to open again.
“I'm not her fluffer.”
“You build her furniture and cuddle with her. You're doing everything a boyfriend would do, without any of the boyfriend rewards.”
“What rewards?” he gasped, exasperated.
A single look was all the reply he got before Morgan out his keys into the ignition and started driving.
Spencer never made the decision to turn up at your house later that night. He just found himself all of a sudden at your front door on a Friday night, pulling out the key from the plant pot by the front door and letting himself in. Unlocking his shoes, he called out through the apartment, letting you know he was there as he slipped into the house shoes you'd bought him after the first of many movie nights.
“Spencer? We cancelled earlier, remember?” you said emerging from your bedroom, fitted in the tightest dress he'd ever seen you in. He already had no answer for your question, but seeing you like that, getting ready, he had no answer to any question at all. If you'd have asked him his name, he wouldn't have known it.
Well, he would've, but only because you'd said it only three seconds ago and had reminded him that he was, in fact, standing in your apartment when he should've been literally anywhere else.
“Um. I'm…I'm just-” he scratched the back of his neck, waiting for something to come to him.
“Spencer, I'm leaving in like an hour, so there's no time to watch a movie, and I have to get ready, so-”
“I'm… I'm angry?”
You raised an eyebrow at his questioning tone, unsure where this conversation was going.
“You sure about that?”
“Yeah..yes. I'm sure. I'm angry. We, we had plans, and you gave me like an hours notice and cancelled them to go do something stupid-”
“Spencer! I'm going on a date. That's not stupid.”
“It is when you have me!”
He half shouted, half murmured the words, as if he himself were unsure of how confident he was in making that statement.
“That came out wrong-”
“Yeah, I think it did.”
“What I mean is- I mean…Morgan said that-”
You crossed your arms and sat yourself on the arm of your sofa, looking forward at him and waiting for him to get through whatever this was. You hoped the entire time that he was saying what you'd wanted him to say for the last year and a half.
“Have you ever watched porn?”
Not what you were hoping for, but a start, at least.
“Spencer!”
“That came out wrong, I- don't throw the couch cushions at me. I have a point, I swear!”
You lowered your next projectile and gestured for him to go on, not fully relinquishing it just yet.
“I'm your fluffer! I get you…in the mood for dates, and- and- I do all the boyfriend stuff without any of the boyfriend benefits!”
He stood in front of you, red-faced, and you stared him down a second or two as you collected your thoughts.
“Do you…want the boyfriend benefits?”
“Yes! No, wait - wait a second. I- I- What are the boyfriend benefits exactly?”
You threw the pillow down and turned your back on him, not entirely sure what you were expecting from the most oblivious genius on the planet.
“Y/N, wait. Wait-”
With a hand wrapped around your wrist, Spencer spun you around, and, tripping over your feet, you landed hard on your sofa. Your fall should've been relatively pain-free, but for the 6-foot man that landed directly on top of you.
“Get up.”
“What are the boyfriend benefits?”
“You should know if you're saying you want them! Now, get up!”
“Not until you tell me.”
“Spencer!”
“Y/N!”
You groaned and writhed under him, but he just dropped his weight onto you, unmoving, hands pinning your wrists lazily, leg poking between your two, hips pinning yours.
It certainly wasn't the closest you'd ever been, but in those circumstances, during that conversation, you felt more flustered than you had before.
“What are the benefits.”
“You really want me to say? You're not afraid it's going to throw off our friendship, ruin whatever good thing we have going?”
“I think that if you go out tonight, and enjoy your date, and get a boyfriend, that he's going to feel weird about this good thing we have going and it's going to be over anyway. Tell me.”
You desperately searched for a way out of this situation, but a stronger part of you wanted to simply wrap your legs around him and let him take as much advantage as he could.
You settled for disturbing him.
“Fine. A boyfriend would be able to spank me.”
“Y/N, be serious.”
“I am. I like it. A boyfriend would pull my hair back and make me count as he hit my cute round ass until it turned all red, and I couldn't sit down comfortably anymore. A boyfriend would then kiss it better.”
You'd never spoken about sex with Spencer, and you hoped the vulgarity would force him back to his senses. Instead, he didn't stir, and you had no choice but to continue.
“Another boyfriend benefit would be choking me. I like that, too. Are your hands big enough to wrap around my throat, Spencer?”
“Yes.”
The answer came so quickly and do confidently, you weren't sure you actually heard it outlook until he spoke again.
“What other benefits, Y/N?”
“A… boyfriend would get to cum inside me,” you whispered, suddenly aware of hips rocking into yours slowly as his cock poked up, listening intently to the promises spilling from your lips that you likely should've regretted.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“I want the benefits.”
Your body was hot everywhere he touched you, but he didn't move, didn't follow through on anything just yet. But you were aware of his head moving closer and closer to yours and panicked.
“And what have you done? As my fluffer? To deserve those benefits?”
“What have I done?” He asked, pulling back an inch. Even as his chest rested, flush against yours, your breasts pushed up against him as his hands held yours over your head.
“I-I bought you flowers-”
“Emily buys me flowers, too. So does Penelope. Should I let them be my boyfriend?”
With your hands in use, you took advantage of his distraction and wrapped your legs up and around his waist, rolling your hips up into him.
“I suppose I do like flowers, though. What else?”
“I… We're always t-together?”
“We work together.”
Using the leverage of his weight against yours, you rolled up harder into his hips, grinding into him slowly as you watched his resolve melt away.
“The m-movie nights are-”
“The movie nights where you rut your cock into me while we watch a movie? Friends do that all the time. You're just translating the movie for me after all.”
“Y/N, please don't-”
“Don't say that? Okay. I'll just let someone else hump against my thighs to get off because you're too proud to admit you want to sink your dick into me and pound me?”
“Y/N-”
“Maybe that's why you don't have the boyfriend privileges, Spencer. Because I'm waiting for something, you're too much of a prude to try-”
His lips meet yours before you can finish the thought, and you're not sure whether it's a triumph or a defeat.
After precisely five seconds of his lips on yours, though, you no longer cared.
Releasing your hands gently, he lifted his hips an inch, distracting you enough to force his tongue into your mouth as his hand found its way between your legs.
“Did you really mean it?” He asked between kisses as you rake your hands through his hair, getting lost in him. “About the benefits?”
You allowed yourself to imagine it for a second, Spencer's hands on your throat. His hands on your ass. His mouth buried between your legs.
You moaned into his kiss, and he laughed - actually laughed - as he pulled away.
“Spencer!”
“No, no, please, don't let me keep you from your thoughts, I'll just be down here.”
His fingers reached your clit and he wasn't surprised to find you already wet, legs spread. Snaking another hand to your neck though, he wasn't exactly as opposed to the ideas you'd flung at him as he'd acted.
You gasped as his hand closed around your neck, the prettiest necklace you'd ever worn. You grabbed a hold of his hands as he pulled your underwear off, pushing them down your legs as he gently pushed your legs open wider and replaced his fingers with his tongue.
You curled up on yourself, craving your body to watch him devour your pussy as you tried your best to keep your breaths shallow, to keep breathing entirely as he squeezed your throat.
His tongue licked and flattened, his head bobbing up and down and then stilling as your hips began moving by themselves, letting you ride his face as you moaned and whined and desperately ran towards your climax.
You wrapped a leg around his shoulder, pressing down on his back to keep him in position, grabbing a handful of hair as you jerked against his face, fucking it as he looked up at you through hooded eyes, drinking down every drop of you.
His hold on your neck tightened, and you felt your body shudder as you squeaked out his name, not wanting this to end so soon, needing to feel more of this. He let you ride it out until you were whining in frustration again, hips twitching from the friction of his tongue against your cunt.
Then he pushed away.
He wasn't gone long, but you followed him up. You thought about pushing him down to the couch again, thought about sitting on his pretty boy face and doing it all over again. You thought of turning over and presenting your ass to him, letting him punish you like you'd promised. Your thoughts ceased as quickly as they came when he pulled his cock free of his pants, not even bothering to pull them off fully before pulling you into his lap, lining himself up, and pushing you down onto his hot, hard, lengthy cock.
You swear you would've screamed if his to guess hadn't already claimed your mouth. A good scream. A “holy shit holy shit holy shit” scream. Definitely a “I didn't know it was that big, and honestly I'm a little scared” scream. But overall, a “god that feels so good” scream.
From the lack of movement, you were sure that Spencer was giving you a moment to adjust to his intrusion, and you were thankful as you clung to his neck, hands balling in the material of his shirt on his back.
Although he was bigger than expected, he wasn't uncomfortably large, and you calmed quickly, giving him a quick nod as you buried yourself in his neck, hiding your face to stop yourself from drooling, mouth wide as he tipped you back against the couch pillows, lifting your legs slightly and slipping his hands underneath yous thighs, and began his steady pace of thrusts.
You were sure your world was imploding on itself, that all your senses had ceased except that of touch, and his touch was fire. But you heard the wet, slutty sounds of your pussy welcoming him, you smelt the sweat against his skin, and, opening your eyes, you saw the absolute pleasure blasted against his features as he groaned in your ear.
And before you could form another coherent thought, he'd claimed another boyfriend benefit, as, rocking his hips against yours, he slowed to a stutter as he emptied himself inside you.
“Spencer!!” you moaned, but he wasn't done, spitting on his fingers and finding your clit again as you squealed, twitching and turning and milling his cock with your movements as you found your second release.
You moaned his name again, though it sounded less like his name this time, and more like a definite noise complaint from your neighbours in the morning.
“Spencer?” you asked, still trying to regain your breath as he, once again, collapsed on top of you.
“Mhmm,” he said, slowly pulling out of you, watching the mess you'd made together drip out too, and resisting the urge to push right back into you and go again.
“Was that a friendly fuck, or a boyfriend fuck?”
His eyes snapped to yours again as you continued.
“I just want to give Penelope the correct reason for cancelling on her friend when I text her-”
“I came inside you.”
“So you did.”
“Y/N!”
“.... So that wasn't a fluffer thing, but a boyfriend thing, got i-”
With a kiss, he shut you up again, and you realized quickly that you probably wouldn't have the time to send that text anyway.
#spencer reid#criminal minds#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fanfic#mgg#criminal minds fanfiction#spencer reid smut#criminal minds fandom#dr spencer reid#spencer reid criminal minds#spencer reid x reader smut#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid self insert#spencer reid x self insert
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Hawk x sensitive!reader where even after he becomes all "tough" and "badass" he's still gentle with reader. I just need fluff and everything is so sickly sweet like I want my teeth to rot.
- ♠️
(again i forgot which one it was)
YES OMG ☹️☹️☹️☹️ ; I'm screaming and crying were gonna fight wtf ; thank u for requesting some cobra kai stuff love u bae ; also sorry ab this cause I had no idea what to do here
HAWK MOSKOWITZ ; the one i love
summary ; while hawk is off becoming mean and badass, he's still nice to you, knowing you're kind of sensitive, and he doesn't want to lose his s/o
warnings ; language, talk of physical violence
track ; dedicated to the one i love, the mamas & the papas
word count ; 849
masterlist
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/b7d028cea2012b0a278abddf71a63ef7/f22a1c26dc56cfac-75/s540x810/e893d265be61a7d1d179425c02fb15431c685da0.jpg)
Eli, these past few months, had changed. A lot. You didn't know whether you liked it or not either. He wasn't even Eli anymore, he was Hawk.
He'd taken on karate, got a new haircut, and completely changed his demeanor and personality. You couldn't lie, he looked cool, especially while showing off his moves, but what wasn't cool was him getting into unnecessary drama.
You'd seen some things online, though you tend not to stick around for any of it. You were caught up by Eli himself, considering you did online school. The bullying from Sam LaRusso and her friends had gotten too bad long ago, forcing you to hide away for the rest of your high school career.
You considered this transition good for Eli, as he was turning a new page in his story. He was able to defend himself, he was confident, and he wasn't being bullied anymore. But, at the same time, he was unrecognizable.
It wasn't in a bad way, not yet, at least. But this "Hawk" guy, wasn't your boyfriend, Eli. You fell into the arms of Eli Moskowitz, not Hawk.
Thankfully, he knew how to retain his relationship. Thank God his standards didn't raise, nor did his ego, as he changed.
You were slightly sensitive, you'd say, kind of emotional, mentally thin, maybe.
You had a bad day, though. That's all that mattered in this second.
You were trying to deep clean your room because it was nasty, and you were already mad. Nothing was working how you wanted it to. Your grades were dropping because you were becoming depressed and unmotivated, and you just wanted to see your boyfriend again. But of course, he'd been busy with karate and working out.
You yell out of pure frustration as you throw a pillow across the room toward your door before crashing onto your bed.
"Ow"
You quickly look up to see Eli standing in your doorway, having been hit by that pillow.
"Fuck, sorry" You mumble, proceeding to hide your face in another pillow that lays on your bed.
He slowly and cautiously steps in your room, picking up the thrown cushion. "What's wrong?"
"...Bad day"
He frowns, "What's wrong?"
You look up at him, spiky hair immediately catching your attention. "Can you wash out the gel before talking to me? You're intimidating looking like a badass"
He chuckles with a nod, "Yeah, I'll be right back"
You couldn't stand the mohawk. It intimidated you, like you were gonna be the next victim of his karate moves. He understood as you'd been honest about it long ago, and would often wash out his hair in the sink and use a towel to then dry his hair.
Now, his roots were dark brown, while the midsection to ends were bright blue. You'd helped him dye it, the reasoning why the bathroom sink was just barely stained with blue in the bowl.
He re-enters the room, his hair now damp, but un-styled. He sits on the bed beside you, allowing you to sit in silence with a pillow pressed against your face.
You slowly pull it away, looking up at him. You flop your back onto your mattress, staring at the ceiling.
"What's up?" He asks, his eyes gazing upon your tired and stressed expression.
You shrug, sitting up. "I hate online school, I have essentially no friends or hobbies, my proctors are shoving thirty assignments on me while I'm depressed and I need to do a million fucking other things-"
He quickly pulls you into a hug, silencing you. You accept his hug, arms draped around his shoulders as you rest your head on one of his shoulders. He does the same for you, his arms slung around your torso instead.
You groan, hiding your face from the light.
He lightly rubs your back, just trying to show you some comfort.
He speaks up after a solid minute of silence, letting you calm yourself down. "Do you want to get into karate? Or at least meet my friends? A lot of them would really like to meet you"
You shrug, unsure.
"It's okay if you don't want to"
You shrug again, your words mumbled from between his shoulder. "What if they don't like me cause I'm not like them?"
He smiles, a light chuckle escaping his lips. "Trust me, they're not gonna make fun of you or not like you in any way unless you give them a reason. And that in itself is pretty much impossible"
You nod, "Thanks"
"Is there any way I can help with your school stuff? What needs done? What can I do for you?"
"Calm down, Eli. I'll be fine. It's just when there's a lot on my mind, I stress out for no reason I guess. Like, I know everything'll be okay but... I dunno" You shrug, pulling away from his arms. "But thank you"
He nods, laying down on the bed beside you. "You tired? I am"
You nod with a smile, pulling him close to cuddle with him.
"Agh- your grip is insane!"
"Sorry"
#lowkeyrobin#gn reader#gender neutral reader#they/them reader#cobra kai x reader#hawk moskowitz x reader#eli moskowitz x reader#hawk x reader#jacob bertrand x reader#♣️ anon
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THE NEXT EPISODE || thanos
pairing: Thanos/Choi Su-bong x f!reader
summary: You and Su-bong reunite after his stay at rehab. No debt/no games AU.
word count: 3.2k
warnings: rehab, drinking, drugs, addiction, depression
A/N: i've been working on this for like two weeks and i still feel like i could work on it more. i love this mini series i made and i'm excited to see how other people like it :) if you find any mistakes no you didn't <3
Part 1: Wake Up Call
Today is the big day. The day Su-bong has been working towards for the past six months.
Today he gets out of rehab.
He originally tried to quit on his own, but after multiple relapses, he decided he needed help. Due to his multiple addictions and how long he's been addicted for, the doctors at the facility suggested a longer stay for him, to which he agreed.
Before he left, he gave you the keys to his apartment, putting you in charge of managing the place while he's away. You also promised to get rid of anything in his apartment that could potentially be abused.
Rehab had actually not been bad. It certainly wasn't easy, but Su-bong felt better about it knowing there were so many other people there going through the same thing as him. He had ended up making some really good friends there, friends that he was excited to see again once they all got out. A few of them had made plans to meet up at a coffee house soon, about a week after Su-bong is released.
The thing Su-bong has been looking forward to the most while in rehab is seeing you again. The only visitors that were allowed were family members, so he had to settle for just talking to you on the phone.
"Can I see you soon?" Su-bong asks into the phone.
"I have to work today, but I'm off tomorrow if you want to come by?" you say. "Oh, and I left something for you on your counter."
Su-bong smiles into the phone. "You didn't have to do that."
"Don't get too excited, it's not much," you laugh. "But I just wanted to give you something to congratulate you."
"I'll be happy with anything you give me," he says.
"Cheesy," you groan, making him laugh. A small gasp comes from Su-bong's phone. "Shoot, my boss just texted me I have to go in early. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Text me when you get home, okay?"
"All good," Su-bong says. "Yeah, I'll text you. Let me know when you get to the club and back home safe."
"I will," he can hear the smile in your voice. "I'll see you tomorrow."
<>
Su-bong walks into his apartment. A chill washes over him. It's been so long since he was here, and he's changed so much. He puts his things down, walking into his kitchen.
A feeling of dread fills him. Was six months enough? Is he really able to do this?
A glint catches his eye, and he sees a small chain sitting on his counter. Attached to it is a dog tag. He picks it up, examining it. When he notices a clasp on the side of the dog tag, he opens it, revealing a small note in your handwriting.
'I'm proud of you <3'
A comfortable warmth fills his body as he smiles at your note. He closes the tag, immediately putting the chain around his neck.
He looks around his place. It holds way too many memories of his time before rehab. Waking up with a headache so bad he's worried his head might implode, turning over to see some random girl in his bed who's name he can't remember. That's not how he wants to live anymore.
He takes a water bottle from the fridge, which you must have put in there for him, and sits on his couch, looking up listings for available apartments. Preferably one close to you.
<>
Su-bong feels his heart race as he stands in front of your apartment door. He's been waiting for this moment for six months. With a deep breath, he knocks on the door.
Footsteps are heard from the other side of the door. Something makes a loud bang and he hears you curse, making his lips twitch upwards.
The door opens and there you are. He swears you've only gotten more beautiful since he last saw you.
"Woah, I almost didn't recognize you," you smile.
He smiles, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. He hadn't dyed his hair since before rehab, leaving it at its natural dark brown. "Yeah, I've been getting that a lot."
"I like it," you say. "You look much more like Su-bong."
He feels his face heat up, muttering a shy 'thank you'.
You step to the side, opening the door wider. "Come in! I'll go grab a snack."
Su-bong walks into your apartment, a smile playing on his face at the familiar set up. You move to the kitchen and he sits on your couch. He chuckles at the new blanket laying next to him, clearly having been used recently.
He looks up as you walk back into the room, placing a bowl of pretzels and a bottle of blue Gatorade on the coffee table in front of him. You remembered.
He gestures toward the blanket. "That new?"
You put a pretzel in your mouth and smile at him, nodding enthusiastically. "My mom got it for me. You have to feel it, it's so soft." He chuckles as you cover your mouth with your hand, too excited to tell him about the blanket to wait until you've swallowed your food.
He reaches out to the blanket, eyes widening when his fingers graze the fabric. "Holy shit."
"Right?!" you laugh, picking up the blanket and sitting down. You toss it over both of your legs. You take a moment to study his face. "You look really good, Su-bong."
He feels himself blush, turning away in embarrassment. "Yeah, my pupils are finally the correct size."
You laugh at the comment. "Yes, that. But you also just look much healthier. Much happier."
He nods. "I feel happier. I thought I was happy all those nights at the club, drinking away my life. But now I know that wasn't real happiness." He looks at you, looking deep into your eyes. "This is real happiness."
Now it's your turn to look away, feeling heat rush to your face. "I'm glad. You deserve happiness."
He smiles.
"Even though you once tried to pay me to take off my shirt."
Su-bong cringes, bringing his hand to his face as you laugh. "Can you please stop bringing that up?"
You shake your head. "No way. This is the punishment you get for that. Me making fun of you. I think it's a fair exchange."
He laughs. "Fair enough."
You continue talking for the next hour or so, telling each other about everything and nothing. Su-bong's heart soars every time he is able to make you laugh. He's made music his entire life, but no song could ever compare to the sweet tune of your laughter.
"On Sunday I'm gonna meet up with a few friends from rehab at that new coffee place around the corner," he says. "Do you want to come?"
You shake your head. "Thank you for the invitation but I don't want to intrude."
"You wouldn't be intruding," he assures. "I, uh, talked about you a lot and they really want to meet you."
Your face heats up at his admission, nodding. "In that case, I'd love to go."
He smiles. "Good."
You put on a movie to watch, saying you saw one while he was away and couldn't wait to show it to him. Throughout the movie, Su-bong sneaks glances at you. He's wanted you ever since he first laid his eyes on you. You were the hot bartender with a fiery personality.
Now, though, as he watches you chew your lip in concentration, he sees just how amazing you truly are. You're the beautiful girl who changed his life for the better. The amazing girl who gave him a reason to become a better person. The kind girl who talked on the phone with him every day while he was in rehab.
You're his best friend. And he's deeply in love with you.
<>
Su-bong opens the door to the coffee house, letting you walk inside first before entering as well.
"Hey, Su-bong!" a voice yells, getting his attention. He smiles when he sees his friends, waving at them. He motions for you to follow him as you head over to the table.
"Hey guys," he greets, giving each of them a small hug. It feels nice to see them on the outside. They all accomplished the same thing, and they'll forever be close for doing it together.
He looks to you. "Oh right. This is Jung-su, Shin-il, and Ji-hae."
Each of them wave and smile at you as he says their names. Once he introduces you, they all seem to get a similar look on their faces.
"Oh, so you're the girl he keeps talking about," Shin-il smirks. Su-bong lightly smacks his arm, making the boy laugh.
"Shin-il, be quiet!" Ji-hae rolls her eyes. She turns to you. "He told us about how you helped him get sober. We're glad he had someone so supportive helping him."
You smile. "I just wanted to help any way I could. He's the one who ultimately chose to get help." You smile at him and he feels his heart melt. "And I'm glad he was able to make some great friends in there, from what he's told me."
"Aw, you talked about us?" Jung-su flashes Su-bong with puppy eyes, making the ladder roll his own.
"Plus, now he doesn't call me 'Señorita' anymore, so really I got something out of it too," you say.
The table bursts out in laughter and Su-bong hides his face behind his hands. "Maybe it was a mistake bringing you here, I didn't realize you were all going to gang up on me."
You laugh, rubbing his arm. "I'm just kidding. Come on, let's go get something to drink."
You move to stand but he puts a hand on your shoulder. "I got it. What do you want?"
You tell him your order, thanking him as he walks to the counter.
Ji-hae leans across the table to you. "He really likes you, you know," she smiles. "Talked about you all the time."
You smile. "He's a really great guy. I wish I could've talked to him sooner, maybe he would've gotten help sooner. He's my best friend now."
"You should go out with him," she says. "Based on how he talked about you, he'd treat you right."
You turn to look at Su-bong, smiling as he rocks back and forth on his feet while waiting in line.
"I do like him," you say, turning back to Ji-hae. "I just want to give him some time first. He just got out of rehab, I feel like he should have some time to figure out what he really wants and adjust to sobriety, if that makes sense."
"Totally," Jung-su says, nodding his head. "I've been out two months now and I still feel like this is all new."
"Just please be there for him," Shin-il asks.
You nod. "I'm not going anywhere."
On the other side of the coffee house, while waiting for your drinks, Su-bong feels a hand grasp his shoulder.
"Holy shit man," a familiar voice says behind him. "You dropped off the face of the earth!"
Su-bong turns to see the smiling face of Nam-gyu.
"Where have you been, dude?"
Su-bong opens his mouth to answer but is cut off when Nam-gyu continues.
"You know what, it doesn't matter." He pulls a small bag out of his jacket pocket. "I just got some new shit. It's fucking insane, man. You gotta try it."
He stares at the pills. This is the first time that drugs have been so accessible to him since before rehab. A cold sweat breaks out and his breath gets quicker. It would be so easy. All he'd have to do is pop one little pill.
He turns back to look at the table. You're sitting there, laughing with Jung-su. The sound flows to his ears and a soft smile graces his face. The sweat stops and his breathing goes back to normal.
He doesn't need pills anymore. He has you. And you make him so much happier than pills ever have or ever will.
He turns back to Nam-gyu, straightening his posture. "No, I don't do that stuff anymore."
Nam-gyu gives him a look. "Are you kidding, dude? You can't get this shit anywhere, and you're turning it down? What the fuck happened to you, Thanos?"
"It's Su-bong, actually," he says.
"No more Thanos!? What's going on?"
Su-bong opens his mouth to respond, but is beaten by another voice.
"Nam-gyu, leave him alone, please," you say, putting a hand on Su-bong's shoulder as you step beside him.
Nam-gyu looks between the two of you before a knowing smile spreads on his face.
"Oh, I see," he says. "So this is the guy you've been calling all the time." The barista calls out his name and he takes his cup. "Knew it was only a matter of time before you two got together, I should've bet on it." He turns, walking toward the door. "I'll see you at work!"
You wave to him as he leaves, turning to Su-bong. "Are you okay? He didn't give you anything, did he?"
He shakes his head. "He offered, but I said no. I was expecting him to be a lot less understanding."
"I've been talking to him the past few months at work, turns out he's not bad when he's not constantly sticking his nose up someone else's ass," you say, making Su-bong laugh. His name is called and you take the cups from the barista, thanking them before handing Su-bong's drink to him, taking his hand and leading him back to the table.
"Welcome back, Señorita," Shin-il smirks.
The table bursts out in laughter again and Su-bong stands from the table, waving goodbye to everyone. You grab his wrist before he can get too far, laughing along with him as he sits back down next to you.
<>
It's been about five months since Su-bong got out of rehab. He's been doing very good, resisting every time he feels even the slightest temptation.
He's gotten back into music and is working on his next album, which is going to be the first he's releasing that's not under the name "Thanos", instead rebranding as Choi Su-bong. You're of course his biggest supporter and he plays you all of his songs to get your opinion. You've even helped on a few songs, and he plans on crediting you as a co-writer.
Remembering what you told him nearly a year ago, he surprised you one day with your own guitar, taking the time to teach you how to play. You're still learning, but he loves everything you play, nearly as much as he loves your laugh whenever you play the wrong note.
You've been dancing around each other for the past few months, both aware of your feelings, but liking what you have going on between you for now. As time passes, though, Su-bong can feel himself getting closer to the edge, ready to take the leap.
One day you're both sitting in Su-bong's new apartment when he turns to you.
"Hey," Su-bong says. You look up from your phone at him. "I uh, I want to play something for you, if that's okay."
You smile, locking your phone and putting it face-down on the couch. "Yeah, I'd love that."
He stands up and reaches his hand out towards you. You take it, standing as he leads you to his piano. He sits on the bench, making room for you to sit beside him.
"I actually wrote this for you," he says, shyly looking at you. You smile at him, giving him a nod of encouragement. With a deep breath, he begins playing the notes before singing.
"I text a postcard sent to you Did it go through? Sending all my love to you You are the moonlight of my life every night Giving all my love to you."
You feel your eyes start to water as you listen to the words. His words reflect exactly how you feel, put in a way that makes it more beautiful than anything you could say to him.
You've heard him sing more ties than you can count. But sitting here next to him, listening as he pours his heart out to you, you don't think any song will ever compare.
"With every breath that I am worth Here on Earth I'm sending all my love to you So if you dare to second guess You can rest Assured that all my love's for you."
Su-bong puts his entire heart into the song. He had started writing it on the piano they had at the rehabilitation center. He had written a few songs while he was there, but this one was specifically inspired by you. The lyrics were from notes he would write down while talking to you, things that came to his head as your sweet voice drifted through the speaker of his phone.
"My beating heart belongs to you I walked for miles till I found you I'm here to honor you If I lose everything in the fire I'm sending all my love to you."
He stops playing, bringing his arms to his sides. He slowly looks up at you. "You've done so much for me. I don't think I can ever pay you back, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying if you'll let me."
A tear escapes your eye. You sniffle, nodding your head.
Su-bong reaches out to cup your cheek, wiping away the tear with his thumb. He looks down to your lips before looking back up to your eyes. "Can I kiss you?"
"Please."
He leans forward, closing his eyes as his lips make contact with yours. Su-bong has kissed girls before, more than he'd like to admit, but he feels like a teenager kissing their crush for the first time.
This is a moment nearly a year in the making. All of his longing for you, his adoration of you is put into the kiss.
He pulls back, regaining his breath as he looks over your face. Your kiss-swollen lips are just begging to be kissed again, but there's something that needs to be done first.
"I love you," he says. "I've loved you for a long time. You're the most amazing person I've ever met and there's nothing I want more than to be with you."
You smile at him, and he feels starstruck by how beautiful you are. "I love you too, Su-bong," you say. "I'm forever grateful that you showed me the real you that day in my apartment. Because I love the real you. So much."
Su-bong's face lights up in a smile, leaning forward to capture your lips again in an awkward kiss that makes you both laugh.
All his hard work is paying off. He is finally worthy of happiness. He is finally worthy of you. And he's going to spend every day making sure he stays worthy.
Song: Last Night on Earth by Green Day
Squid Game Tags: @thebiggestigurosimp @vvnbxz @lov3yy @miltzzy @l5byrinth @come-as-you-are-111 @starkeyszn @learninglinesintherainn @galactict3a @sawlover353 @jspidey5 @skywalker0809 @zannispppp @lianobody
Pt 2 tags: @dweeebazoid @apookalypse @jxsibat @fallout-girl219 @senorittaaaa
lmk if you want to be added to the taglist
#squid game#squid game 2#squid game season 2#squid game fanfic#squid game x reader#thanos squid game#thanos x reader#thanos#choi su bong#squid game thanos#player 230#choi su bong x reader#t.o.p
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I Might Bite .ᐟ
❤︎ | Resorting to dirty measures like biting your superior during sparring usually doesn't end without you having a taste of your own medicine... (2.6k wc) ╰ feat. Hoshina Soshiro (Kn8) x afab! reader
kinktober entry no. 2 | kinktober masterlist
tags - subordinate! reader, biting, marking, spanking, pussy slaps, humiliation & punishment, Hoshina's kinda mean, fingering, p in v, creampies, swearing
minors do not interact
The recent uptick of kaiju attacks over the city has every member of the JAKDF on edge. No one knows when the next attack is coming or if they'll live to see their next birthday. The atmosphere in the Tachikawa base specifically felt odd. Most were hopeless, but then there was you.
You weren't the strongest by any means, but you believed that if it came to being persistent—you'd be the best. It showed; after all, you trained your ass off even in your off hours.
There were times you bled and shed a tear, but you never stopped. Your fellow officers often told you to slow down. But there was one person who always watched from the sidelines—silently observing how you improved every night that you would sneak away into the training rooms.
It was none other than your superior, Hoshina Soshiro.
The vice captain didn't seem all too interested to be invested in the lives of the officers. Frankly, he had better things to do. But the rookie that worked themselves to the bone had successfully caught his eye. There was something about them that reminded him of himself. In many ways, he was drawn to that fiery spirit.
Not a lot of recruits had your determination and he was more than willing to foster that. What kind of vice captain would he be if he didn't help you in honing your skills?
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You stared, dumbfounded, at the fox eyed man in front of you.
"Ya heard me right the first time," he insisted.
You gulp down. "Well... I'm certainly not going to refuse your offer, sir. I was just making sure I understood what you said."
"I told ya—I'll help ya train every night. I meant it."
Finding out that your superior knew you have been violating the curfew had you expecting the worst. But Hoshina's reaction was rather unforeseen.
Instead of making you run laps or do cleaning duty—he offered to train with you during your night sessions. It made sense; training with someone better than you would allow you to improve at faster speeds. The choice was a no-brainer.
"Alright... thank you, sir."
Hoshina simply nodded before walking away from you, satisfied that you were cooperative with his ideas.
"Sir!"
He turns around with a small smile. "Yes?"
"When do we start?"
"Have ya skipped a day before?"
"...No, not really."
His smile widens. "Ya have yer answer then."
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Labored breaths filled the training room—though, most of it came from you. Hoshina barely broke a sweat throughout your entire sparring session. It wasn't shocking anymore at this point.
You estimate that it's already about two weeks since he has started joining you in your training. Not once have you won against him.
At first, it felt quite motivating—knowing that you had so much to improve. But as days go by, it becomes depressing how you can never even land a good hit on him.
You weren't fit to face a kaiju with how things stand and it crushed your once blazing spirits.
With your chest heaving and your vision blurring, you continued to anticipate his next move. You figured he'd at least cut you some slack after seeing the massive difference in skill, but he was merciless. You didn't even fight back as he tackled you to the ground.
Hoshina Soshiro wasn't just talented with a blade, but also with his bare hands. Who would have thought he knew grappling as well? He easily put you in a rear naked choke and you felt your airway quickly constrict.
He taught you that if you couldn't even handle basic hand-to-hand combat—then you'd be nothing doing anything else. Besides, before ending your session with the usual bare knuckled fighting, he trained you with swords and other weapons... in which you couldn't beat him in either.
Going up against him was futile. You absorbed his teachings like a sponge, but when it came to applying them—all hope is lost.
You were going to pass out soon; you could feel it.
Despite telling yourself that you'd always fight fair and square—you realized that this wasn't the time to be righteous. Virtues, principles—whatever the fuck it is—chucked out the window.
You bit down on his arm—hard. Did you draw blood? Perhaps. But that hardly mattered to you. He finally let go, failing to defeat you completely. Hoshina hissed, checking out the fresh wound you gave him.
Neither could you move or speak. In fact, you kept your back leaning on his chest. Doing anything other than breathing was a bit too much at the moment.
"Ya play dirty, don'cha?" he whispered darkly into your ear.
The thickness and intimidation laced in his voice was enough to reinvigorate your entire being. You took the deepest breath possible before peeling yourself off of him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"
"Of course ya didn't mean ta do that, right?" he cuts you off, lifting you off of the ground with his impressive strength.
"What shall I ever do with ya? Li'l thing bitin' her superior."
You could only stutter out a pathetic apology as he carries you in his arms.
"Nah, don'cha apologize now. Ya must be sick of me treatin' ya like a ragdoll hm?"
He was right, of course. But you weren't about to admit that to him.
Hoshina carried you over to the side of the room where the long metal bench was. Even out of fighting, he continued to treat you like a doll with the way you effortlessly flipped you over. Your stomach pressed against his lap with one of his hands resting on your nape.
You weren't sure where his other hand was, but you soon found out... the hard way.
A sharp slap made its way to your ass. It had you sucking in more air than usual.
"Not even a single yelp huh? Think ya can handle more? Ya need to be punished after all."
Another slap and then another on the other cheek. Tears were starting to brim in your eyes. With the next slap, you finally yelped in pain. Hearing your sharp breaths, he caressed your poor behind in a soothing manner.
"Think ya've repented enough?"
God, you didn't want to sound weak, but a few sniffles escaped you. His question racked your brain, yet not a single good answer came for it. It was a trap and he was steadily luring you in.
You figured—silence was the best response. However, that pissed off the vice captain even more. Hoshina let out a long and deep sigh. He didn't want to do this; he swears. But you just had to push his buttons.
"Not speakin' huh? How many times will ya disrespect yer superior after I've been kind enough ta be trainin' ya every night?"
If you've learned one thing about him these past few sessions—it was that he never gave you time to react. Only now, you're discovering that it applies to things apart from fighting as well.
He slid you off his lap without warning. Soon as you flipped yourself over, the vice captain was already hovering over you with a stern expression on his face.
He inched closer, slowly but steadily. His eyes never left yours and it seemed to have you in a trance because you failed to realize how he had already caged you between his thick arms.
"Sir..." you managed to say between shaky breaths.
"So you can speak?"
Your eyes finally stray from his face, feeling flustered by the proximity.
"Ya should use that mouth of yers fer talkin' —not fer bitin' ," he said. He leaned in to the point that you felt the warmth of his breath against your neck. It was tantalizing—almost paralyzing. "I think ya should get a taste of yer own medicine," he added.
No time was given to protest as he sunk his sharp teeth into your neck. You gasp, hands finding purchase on his arms. He suckled on the tender skin, sure to leave a mark that you'd have to cover up in the morning.
Then another bite came. Your fingers dug into his flesh. It was painful, but oddly arousing. The intoxicating scent he radiated coupled with his fine looks were a recipe for disaster. But the only one being ruined was you.
Perhaps he felt satisfied after two bites, settling on wet kisses scattered on your neck instead. He kept getting lower and lower until he was met with a barrier.
"Lemme get this out of the way, a'ight?" he says before gripping the soft fabric of your black tanktop—ripping it apart. He smirked at the sight, a flimsy lacey bra.
He pushed it up before smashing his face down on your chest, sucking and lightly biting at a sensitive bud. Your hands went from his biceps to his hair, almost pulling out the strands from the roots.
He bit, tugged, and marked you all over again—like he was staking claim. Hoshina made sure to give attention to the other one as well, sucking on the swell of your breast while using his fingers to toy with the other.
Truth be told, he was too excited and immersed in devouring you that he only now became aware of your sounds. It was delightful to say the least. It made him smile as he nipped at the sensitive flesh.
You began to arch your back, needing more of him. But he took this as a sign to go even lower, planting more kisses that trailed down your stomach. He was giving you whiplash with the alternating softness and harshness of his touch.
He looked up at you and saw your dazed expression, unable to even look back at him. This was fine; this was the only time he'd permit a subordinate not looking him in the eye.
For once, you were able to catch your breath and make sense of it all. You returned your gaze to the man above you. He was hovering over you again, looking down with a feral glare. His large hand gripped your thigh.
"Ya know... fer someone bein' disciplined... ya sure look like yer enjoyin' this."
"I'm not," you retorted. But both of you knew the truth.
"Ya challengin' me? Let's see then, shall we?"
He made quick work of the zipper on your pants before pulling it down and throwing it off to God knows where. His eyes opened slightly, zeroing on the damp patch on your panties. Of course, he was right.
"Would ya look at that—yer pussy's all soaked from that. How naughty."
"I... I... um..."
He huffed. "Ya what?"
Slap. He had slapped your pussy. The stinging sensation had you arching your back off of the cold metallic surface of the bench. A soft groan fell from your lips.
He landed another slap. "Look at how wet ya are right now. Ya shouldn't have lied huh?"
As if to soothe you again, he began rubbing his thumb over your poor cunt. "Didn't mean ta make her cry."
Hoshina smirked at his own joke—because who else would appreciate it? Definitely not you; you were too fucked out to even catch everything that he's saying.
He hooked a finger in the gusset before pulling your panties out of the way. The sight of your dripping cunt made his dick twitch. He had already been especially frustrated this week and the cute little subordinate he trained every night wasn't helping. Her little stunt was essentially the final nail in the coffin.
There was nothing else he wanted more but to fuck you senseless already. But he was a refined man; he had patience.
Hoshina pushed in two digits at first and it almost made him shudder with how tight and warm you were. Patience be damned; he was crumbling all too quickly for his liking.
"Fuck... yer suckin' it in."
A string of soft moans left you. It was music to his ears and he wanted it to be louder.
He began fucking his fingers into you at a faster pace. The muscles of his arm tensed and the veins on his forearm were popping out. A loud and vulgar moan reverberated through the training room. You could only hope that everyone in the base was asleep because there was no way you could be quiet with what he's doing to you.
You tightened around his fingers before unravelling completely. Your pussy fluttered, cumming on to his fingers shamelessly. It almost felt like a task to him—only getting it out of the way to get to the main event.
Hoshina pulled out his fingers, sucking them clean. He would have loved to get a taste of it on his tongue, but all restraint had been lost. He had to sheath himself in you or else he'd actually lose it.
"Take a deep breath for me, a'ight?" he says while unzipping his pants, only barely pulling out his leaking cock from its confines.
Maybe you should have listened because the sudden intrusion of his cock knocked the air out of your lungs. It filled you up nicely, hitting every spot with just one fluid motion.
He groans, throwing his head back in ecstasy. His fingers were practically white with how hard he gripped the bench supporting the both of you.
"Coulda fought me with this instead. Maybe ya coulda won," he teased. He began slowly fucking into you, perhaps a reprieve after his previous actions.
Your hands held on to his back, softly digging your nails into the chiseled flesh. A satisfied groan poured from his smiling lips.
The string of moans coming from you urged him to go faster. He had enough of being slow and soft. He snapped his hips at a maddening pace almost immediately. Your leg fell of the bench, hanging off and allowing him deeper access into you.
He never faltered for a second—even as he leaned down to leave marks on your neck again. You held him closer to you as if you never wanted him to leave... and he wasn't; at least, not until you've cum all over his cock.
His ragged breaths filled your ear as he continued to rut into you. Hoshina was tough, ruthless, and precise—much like on the battlefield.
A familiar clench squeezed his dick. "Ya close? Ya gonna cum on my cock? C'mon, do it," he goaded.
His thumb began circling your swollen clit. After holding on to the cold bench for a while, his touch felt freezing. The warmth you felt inside contrasted with the cold touch of his thumb. The sensation was almost numbing with how good it felt.
"Wanna cum with me? How romantic of ya," he teased again. "Fuck... I'm cummin' —take it all. This is still part of yer punishment. Got that?"
You responded with a breathless moan. That was all it took before hot ropes of cum filled you. The warmth seemed to push you over the edge as well, milking him for all he's worth. And like he said—it would be romantic. He grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him.
"Ya learned yer lesson yet?" he asked, but not before capturing your wet lips in a kiss.
Hoshina let a shaky breath out as he pulled away. He knew it would be good, but he wasn't expecting for it to be this good.
"Shit... was only plannin' one round. Guess it wouldn't hurt ta discipline ya more."
He lazily rubbed his still hard cock. "C'mon, get on all fours fer me and I might not make ya run laps in morning's training." He watched intently as you followed, lining up his dick against your entrance. It was going to be a long night.
"Good fuckin' girl."
©miyukisu do not repost/reupload/translate any of my works on other platforms
╰ author's note slightly longer I guess because I like Hoshina more lol
#kaiju no. 8#kaiju no. 8 smut#kaiju no. 8 x reader#Hoshina x reader#Hoshina Soshiro#hoshina smut#hoshina soshiro smut#kn8#kn8 x reader#kn8 smut#kinktober#kinktober 2024#mksu.works#mksu.ktober 24
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Just a concept, Yandere!Dimensional traveler!Batman X Gn!reader X Platonic!Batfam, also wrote a one shot about this
Synopsis: Batman becomes obsessed with a spouse and kids that he never had.
Pairing: Yandere!Dimensional traveler!Batman X Reader; Batman X Reader; Platonic Batfam X Batparent!Reader; Yandere!Batman X Platonic!Batfam; Batman X Platonic!Batfam
Tw: English is not my first language; mentions of Alfred being dead; I'm quite new on the fandom so there might be some mistakes about facts of the original comics, but this is a fanfic so whatever; this piece is more focused on Bruce and the batfam while still mentioning reader; stalker and delusional Bruce.
Word count: 1,4k
Requested? No.
General masterlist
Yandere!Batman who is very VERY, extremely, lonely, touch starved and grim. He’s also very unlucky apparently.
He never even met Dick. Sure, he heard about what happened to The Flying Graysons, investigated it even, but he's only seem him on pictures, videos or in passing, but he wasn’t there that night, he never talked to him, or maybe he did while stopping him from killing Zuko, either way, never adopted him, our boy went straight to orphanage and was adopted shortly after by a normal and loving family.
Actually this universe’s Bruce never met nor connected with ANY of his children, all he had was Alfred, and yet… Something happened and…
Safe to say it's been long, never ending harsh years.
The only thing this Bruce knows is pain, loneliness and misery. Don’t talk to him about Alfred. Maybe he can't even look at pictures. When he realized he couldn’t remember his voice anymore… He WON’T watch videos or listen to audio of him. Yes, Alfred being gone was one more trauma to the list of traumas he will carry on his tense and burdened shoulders for the rest of his helpless existence.
This Bruce is a loser, closer to madness than any version of Bruce (aside from Batman who laughs). His Gotham is nearing it’s doom. He didn't join the Justice League because of his level of emotional masochism, pride and lack of will to get back on his feet. He is so used to suffering he thinks it's possible to die if he doesn't have such bitter companion. Safe to say, he is depressed. And hyperfocused on saving a city he’s been working in for decades, too blind by his grieving to see that he is not doing the right things. There is no social projects on Wayne Enterprises or Wayne Foundation to help people, he neglected the company decades ago. He is almost becoming Michael Keaton’s Batman in The Flash.
Somehow, one day he is sent to another universe. It can be through some disaster like Crisis in Infinite Earths, or some villain who wanted different variants of heros to fight amongst themselves to death, doesn't really matter here, what’s important is that he (after years of being a hermit on his cave) interacts with people, more specifically, he interacts with himself.
Or definitely a lucky version of himself. Maybe the luckiest. He is jealous.
During the whole event they interact and imagine how he felt when he found out that this other Batman has an Alfred. And he is so successful that he is a billionaire who uses his money to help Gotham get better (or as good as we know Gotham can get). Oh, and he has a spouse. And children. Plural. So many he lost count. And pets. Two dogs, one cat, a cow (?), a turkey (a what now?) and a fREAKING DRAGON BAT (WHAT THA FUCK IS EVEN THAT????!?!?????!).
He is also more put together (looks like he showers and doesn't skip meals). And less temperamental.
Okay…
Bruce is confused. When he comes back to his universe, with a spark of hope in his heart, he does his research. He could start actually making effort on his company and thus helping Gotham, maybe even be good enough as a vigilant that he could join the Justice League and make some friends (even if the other Bruce was just as stoic, he was the only one who could see on his micro expressions while talking about them how fond he was of his colleagues, and how much he thrusts them, even with his trust issues).
He could find those damn kids and adopt them. Find the one who somehow managed to make him open up enough for a relationship.
(He could also just work on his company, philanthropism, do some therapy, make some new organic connections or whatever).
He is VERY disappointed to find out that some of those so called kids and are already adults, have lived their whole lives without him, maybe some have been arrested or even dead, they have their whole lives and families that have NOTHING to do with him. Some don't even exist (the only explanation for not a single clue in months of research). And his partner, Reader, is either living their own life that doesn't allow space for him or also dead. He lost his timing. He is old and lost his timing. He is alone. He shouldn't have hoped so much that he got blind by the improbability of the small chance. The other Batman did mention that his family started growing decades ago.
He just lost another family. This one he never got to have. He wishes he never knew about them.
He hyperfocused on them for months for nothing (hey, It was hard to find info on the ones that don't live a very civilian legal life, like Cassandra, or the ones that never even existed, like Damian, or the ones that are dead — again maybe Cassandra, or perhaps Jason. Maybe Jason joined a gang just for survival or something like that, life on the streets is harsh, and he is not very lucky. And I’m not even being specific on what could have happened to every single one of the batfam. Also Tim is probably a CEO right now). No connection and family will come from all of that. Especially because he is greedy, starved, he doesn't want bits and pieces, he wants it ALL. He wants that other Bruce's life.
Yandere!Batman is born. He drowns and gets drunk on the pit of his own madness and he can’t get out of it. Doesn't want to.
He could… He could get rid of the people on their lives, brainwash them and make them a happy family. They aren’t vigilantes, they don't have his abilities, they don't have his intellect, it won't be hard.
Of course, Batman doesn't kill, but this Batman is looking for a change.
But they aren't what lucky-billionaire-put-together Bruce had.
Don't get me wrong. He is not just petty and jealous, nor resents Bruce for his privileges and better decisions, or whatever.
Okay, maybe a little. Why? Just why ones life was perfect (hello? Didn't you hear the part where he told you his own problems? Not even about the DEAD RESURRECTED CRIME LORD SON?) while the others had to draw the short stick?
But majorly he is just desperate, foaming at the mouth for a happy ending, and projected all of that on that poor random bat.
Now, enough brooding, back to solutions.
He could clone them.
Could work. Not exactly easy but he could just hack onto Luthor archives until he found how he cloned Superman and made that Superboy, Superman, or whatever he goes by now.
Again, not the same as the original ones. The ones he craves. The ones he wants.
Alfred is screaming in his grave about how Bruce, please, needs to realize that no one will fill the expectations he puts on them, not even the “original ones”.
Another hard, but better fitted solution is to… Simply… Find a way to go to that other universe, or one similar enough, stalk and study their whole lives until he can perfectly replicate “lucky” Bruce’s persona, and just… Get rid of him and take his place. Hello Alfred, hello honey, hello kids, daddy’s home.
Looks like he finally got luck on his side, maybe the sun will rise tomorrow.
Yandere!Bruce won't just brush aside that he is rusty and definitely not a better Batman then the other one, but he's got time. He will developt patience. But can he learn enough to trick his perfect vigilant kids though? Is he seriously thinking straight? I mean, the batkids are dope though. They learned from the best. As a proud (wannabe) father he knows they will be better than him one day, perhaps already are.
How much of watching their lives, everything that he craves, can he take until he snaps? How much of watching Bruce's interactions with them can he take? He swears he won't take them for granted when he has them, he will take care of them, protect them, be a family, be happy.
Can he really keep his distance?
Looks like another supervillain just arrived in Gotham for the batfamily to battle against, he is quite persistent though.
Like, comment and reblog 🥰
#batfamily x reader#batman#batman x reader#yandere batman x reader#yandere batman#batfamily#batfam#bruce wayne#bruce wayne x reader#yandere bruce wayne#yandere bruce wayne x reader#yandere dc#jason todd#dick grayson#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#tim drake#cassandra cain#duke thomas#Justice League#platonic batfam#platonic batfam x reader#platonic batfamily x reader#platonic batfamily#masterlist
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PAC: Energy Check~ for wherever you are right now
This was completely unplanned but frankly spirit doesn't give a fuck about my plans. So if this found you, here are some messages you probably need right now-
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pile 1: Ooh.. as I was preparing to start your reading, I saw 11:11 as the Chariot card showed up for you. This. Tells me that you are pretty strongly connected to your divine path right now, which simply means that you're doing something that's keeping you in alignment, sweet pile one! Good job! Keep going down this road because you WILL stumble upon amazing experiences and people! This message is coming through quite strongly. Now, isn't that lovely? Hehe.
Here's the thing, though.. Although you're actually IN alignment with your greatest timeline and life, you seem to be completely UNAWARE of the fact! You might be going through the necessary purging emotionally and/or mentally as a result of this alignment since the "old stuff" has no more room in your new vibration anymore. So, you've probably had to go through some intense endings and/or tower moments in life lately and THIS has left you feeling really, really sad. Maybe even depressed. For some of you, if that's the case, please seek help, sweet soul. It doesn't have to be therapy but even as simple as talking to a trusted loved one, you know? Or even journaling about it could help if you're into it. It seems like you could use a new perspective on the things you're going through right now. I'm sensing that you might be feeling emotionally numb right now too, but that's because you've been doing a lot of emotional processing lately AND IT'S ALL PAYING OFF. I just need you to know that. You just can't see it right now because you're slap dead in the middle of the storm, and I'm looking at it from a bird's eye view, you know?
While you're purging old stuff, I also see you making your way through an old core belief - "I gotta work hard to be deserving of anything because I inherently don't" Or something along those lines. You may have started purging this belief as a result of life showing you that it's simply not something worth keeping alive inside you. Maybe recently, you caught yourself overworking yourself to death only to receive very little in return (in any area of your life - relationships included) and this experience helped you wake up to this unhelpful belief of yours. You're unlearning this belief as we speak. It's not easy though, but I CAN assure you, you're acing it.
If you find yourself worrying too much about anything and everything or simply feeling a general fear, just know that it's a normal reaction to having things uprooted in your life. Life, right now, is asking you to do your best to focus on what's right in front of you because if you do this, the future is guaranteed to sort itself out. I promise.
I love you so much, pile 1. I see all your hard work and am rooting for you SO hard, bro. Love and light.
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Pile 2: Seems like to me that y'all have been STUCK in a particular pattern for a while now, maybe years? For some of you folks reading? Let me spell it out for you what this pattern looks like to me - an imbalance of the mind and heart. Too much mind and too little heart. Maybe none at all.
I can't seem to tap into the root of this imbalance, maybe because it's different for each of you reading, OR maybe it's not relevant to us right now because you can simply begin to address this imbalance as you see it in your day-to-day. But I sense that you're really good at addressing things, so once you're conscious of this pattern going on subtly in the background, running your life, you can really do something about this. This pattern may show up as you struggling with feeling fear, and this is blocking you off to one very important thing fear is here to show us, and that is how to support ourselves. If we are afraid of something we desire and have a healthy relationship with fear, we go for the desire while caretaking our fear. I read a quote the other day, it said "Do that thing you love but if you find that you're scared, then go do it scared." The point I'm trying to make is, fear isn't going to go away on its own, it's you who will simply expand your ability to hold space for it AND your desires equally. When you figure out how to do this, magic will happen in your life. You'll find that your unwillingness to caretake your fear only gave you more things to be afraid of (because, hello, Law Of Attraction *lol*), BUT you'll also find that when you radically start taking responsibility for your fear(s), you'll be able to act from a wiser space and be your full badass self. You'll find that there are so many things you CAN do and so much life you CAN live. Everything you've wanted to start doing in life will start to happen almost seamlessly. It WILL surprise you big time. You're currently making your way through an important part of your healing, and that is to hold yourself in all your glory. To hold all parts of yourself, even the ones that are scared shitless. Once you've integrated this segment of your healing, SO many doors will unlock for you. Sweet soul, you have no clue of JUST HOW MANY. And this… is probably because you manifest with your heart primarily (meaning you feel things deeply and so you unknowingly tap into the frequency of what you want easily) and your fear is keeping you stuck in your head, which means you're only 40% of the full You right now, PRIOR the healing of c. You might even feel it sometimes. You might feel like you're only a shell of a person (been there myself, you're not alone in this!). Listen to that feeling. Your truth lies in there. You're meant to be the 100% you, and I see that you're already halfway there!
I love you so much, pile 2, sending you so much light and love. Hope you find the resources you need to make it through to your new life where you live in more love than fear.
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Pile 3: Man… y'all been fighting for your lives, huh? I see that you may be in the midst of a lot of divinely evoked darkness? Lol, I literally heard that - divinely evoked darkness. Maybe you're going through a dark night of the soul, perhaps? Whatever your're going through though, it seems like you've been hanging on for dear life.
Some good news for you- no matter the circumstances you're in right now (be it good, bad, or terrible), you've been doing all the work necessary to keep your head above water and have been diligently nurturing your own light, positivity, and essence. THAT'S incredible resilience, sweet pile 3, and I'm really proud of you! It's not easy to keep an open heart through bad times, and that's such a grand achievement in my eyes. UGH, BEAUTIFUL.
Your energy SCREAMS transition period vibes. You seem to be neither in your "old" timeline nor in the new one yet. You're sorta hanging in the middle right now. I see the Hanged Man in the third eye as I tell you this. Feels like you're in the void right now, and things just seem… bleh. Boring. Colorless. This is probably because you're already done with the ugly part of the process, "the divine shakeups", the loss, and the purge. Think… the bland but peaceful feeling you feel after having an intense ugly crying session, you know? Yeah, you're energetically there right now. You'll probably be here for a while longer because you've let go of MAJOR stuff, pile 3. Did you let go of people recently, maybe? Or that old bad habit, perhaps? That was the purge, so to speak. And now you're in the aftermath of it all, the uncomfortable but necessary calm.
-Side note: You might've struggled to embody your divine feminine earlier, but the timeline you're entering right now is the exact opposite of that. You might be attracted towards things that will help you nurture your own divine feminine right now. Give into it. Nurture patience, stillness, and compassion for self. It will HOPEFULLY speed up the void period if you consciously take part in it, you know?-
You're quite emotionally intelligent, and it has guided you throughout the whole process, and it also seems like it ain't your first rodeo in the process of proverbial death and rebirth. Good on you because you're doing a real good job keeping your calm through venturing into the unknown. You know what? You remind me of Elsa from Frozen, taking on the unknown like it belongs to her. You are such a queen, omg.
Yep, all that's left to do now is celebrate yourself, pile 3! Try your best to embrace this period, the void, and you'll be on your way to your next happy adventure! Love and light, sweet soul. Thanks for sharing your energy with me today.
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