#also i understand why buck did what he did and think it was valid and he was in pain

[jackwhiteprophetic]

Sometimes I think about whether in the lawsuit era Eddie sat alone on his couch, staring at the phone, wondering if he should text, waiting for a text or something and listening for if Chris wakes up from another nightmare and is reminded a little too much of Shannon

[bekolxeram]

I'm usually very block happy, but sometimes a couple of hot takes from the opposite side of the fandom manage to slip through. I'm no saint, I admit I do get quite worked up at first, but after some time, I realize they give me new perspectives to scenes I've watched countless times and discover things I didn't pick up before. So this one is for all of you, staunch Tommy haters, thank you for enriching my viewing experience.

In 7x04, when Tommy goes to Buck's loft to talk things out, this line gives some people the ick, because it echoes what Taylor said in 5x05. In that episode, Buck thought his team was off because they blamed him for Chimney leaving. He talked to Taylor about it, she shared her own experience with her boss being sulky around her, and it turned out her boss was just in a lot of physical pain, she ended the conversation with "maybe not everything is about you". While what she said was absolutely right, and she made an effort to make Buck feel appreciated at the end of the episode, but I can also see Buck not feeling supported emotionally at the time the conversation occurred. In a fashion true to her profession, Taylor delivered it in a very blunt, direct and advisory way. Her being right did not cancel out Buck feeling insecure about everyone acting weird around him and him not knowing why.

What Tommy says here though, is in a a completely different context.

Before all of this, Tommy has already reassured Buck that he's not trying to replace him, that his place in Eddie and Christopher's life is irreplaceable.

Look at Buck's smile, he's apparently in a better mood than before. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

So going in this next part, Buck is more receptive to what he frankly needs to hear: Eddie isn't hanging out with Tommy because Buck did something wrong, he just enjoys Tommy's company.

We've witnessed Buck's growth over 7 seasons, now he can recognize that getting jealous easily is one of his character flaws, he tends to overthink and make other's action personal when he's feeling insecure in a relationship. He's telling Tommy this probably to signal that he understands he messed up and he understands what he did wrong. He never expected Tommy to validate his feelings.

But Tommy does empathize with his predicament.

Buck doesn't understand what Tommy, the cool, confident (and hot) pilot would be jealous over. And he almost can't believe Tommy gets what he's been feeling.

Tommy tells Buck that he's envious of the ride-or-die familial bonds within the 118 nowadays, as if he didn't also put his career and life in danger just to save Athena and Bobby (probably Hen's career as well), after one phone call from Chimney.

Now it's Buck's turn to reassure Tommy.

Another hot take I've seen from the other side goes like "if Tommy was nicer to Hen and Chimney back in the days, he wouldn't have to be jealous over what the 118 has now". You know what? Judging by Tommy's face here, he probably would agree. This is not the face of a man who is proud of what he did. This is the face of a man who is burdened by guilt and regret, this is a man haunted by his past, this is a man who doesn't think he deserves the praise.

Buck even cites fake mouth static as an example of Tommy's effort in aiding the 118's clandestine rescue mission, and they naturally fall into a flirty dynamic. I have no explanation for that, except, your honor, this is exhibit A against the "no chemistry" allegation.

Buck then spells it all out for Tommy that he also put everything on the line just for the 118, without hesitation. Tommy looks like he still has a hard time accepting it as an act worthy of redemption for his past behavior.

We've all made mistakes, and we all know we can't go back to the past and change what we did, so the best way forward is to change ourselves and be better. Judging by Tommy's "and [Gerrard] didn't make me a better person" line in 7x10, he quite possibly reflected on this a lot. Yet, sometimes you still can't help but doubt yourself over if you've learned enough from your past, if you're a good enough person now. I can't imagine how good it feels hearing Buck say out loud that he actually likes the person Tommy is now.

Apparently Buck likes Tommy so much that he came up with excuses just to hang out with him and get to know him.

Tommy is pleasantly surprised, because he did tell Buck to call him when he wants to go up. In fact, Buck can call him for whatever reason, Tommy accepted the Harbor tour request, there's nothing indicating that he would feel weird just hanging out with Buck. Tommy just doesn't know how much of a overthinker and bi disaster Buck truly is yet, but that's the story for another time.

Buck and Tommy really don't know much, if anything, about each other at this stage, as you can see in 7x05, but they're already validating each other's feelings. We've seen Buck get his feelings ignored, hurt, dismissed and kind of fetishized for 6 seasons, now this is something he's been looking for the whole time, for someone to understand what he's going through. At the same time, this interaction must also be quite freeing for Tommy, who's been haunted by demons from his own past.

[lemotmo]

I cropped the question for you on this one. But ugh the answer 💗

Q. What other canon plots do you hate, if you don't mind sharing? Also you've mentioned people who haven't watched the series in its entirety not really having valid opinions. You don't really think that do you? Their opinion on the current show should be just as valid. An opinion is an opinion. Everyone is allowed to view things differently.

A. Hi anon. It's a show that has run for 7 seasons, there's been several plots I haven't loved. In terms of plots I hate though, the easy go to one is the sperm donor plot (which I'm guessing you haven't seen). It had the potential to be interesting, but they just ended up doing nothing with it. And picking Buck specifically to be the donor definitely needed context the show just didn't bother providing. Buck is way too emotionally wired to father a child and then just never care to see or hear about that child again. I also absolutely hated the couple he donated to. I hated them. I thought the whole fight club thing with Eddie was not great. Technically with the way Eddie is wired it did make sense for him to a point, and again had potential, but again, it just kind of stopped with no real resolution or point in the end. Buck's lawsuit is a widely hated storyline by many, but I kind of understood what they were going for, only because Buck can be singularly sighted at times. But I still tend to skip over it in my rewatches. I don't care for the parental redemption arcs because sometimes parents just suck, and their adult children have the right to live their lives telling people their parents sucked. Buck and Eddie's parents sucked. They sucked in different ways, but they both definitely sucked. Lastly as far as hated plots go, the entire back half of season 7(episodes 7-10) belongs in a fire pit of hell never to be seen again. I won't watch any of it ever again. I rebuke it entirely. It was abysmal.

Now, I know this is not going to be the answer you were hoping for, but anyone whose knowledge of the show consists solely of 7 episodes from one season absolutely does not have a valid opinion of the characters or the show. We would be here days if I did this character by character so for the sake of time I'm going to relegate this answer to Buck, you know the half of your ship you all care the least about, but the half the audience and the show cares the most about. You never met and don't understand the reference Buck 1.0, or Buck 2.0 for that matter. You don't know clipboard Buck, or that it's canon that Eddie is the only human alive who finds that Buck endearing. You don't know who Daniel is, or how he ties into Buck's complete lack of self worth. You don't know who Carla is or how Buck met her or who she now is to Eddie and Christopher. You don't know why Buck doesn't associate with the name Evan, and why it's actually gross that Tommy refuses to call him Buck. You don't know why Buck had to wear a protective sleeve on his leg during the pickup basketball game. You don't know the significance of 3 minutes and 17 seconds. You don't know that Buck basically spent the better part of three years without a couch. You don't know that during the tsunami while trying to protect whatever was left of Christopher's innocence he started a game of I spy so Christopher would look up instead of down at the water and the bodies floating by. You don't know who taught Buck how to cook. You don't know he tended bar and worked on a ranch at one point before going to the fire academy. You don't know that Bobby fired him. This is nowhere near everything but I'm guessing you get the point. If you don't want to watch the entire series don't. No one is going to force you. But we all know the reason you won't watch it is because learning who Buck truly is would no longer allow you the ability to mold him entirely out of your Tommy headcanons. He's not a damsel in distress. He's not weak or incapable of speaking for himself or saving himself. He doesn't need Tommy to survive day to day. You don't want his canon history, fine, but it absolutely makes your opinion of him worthless.

Phew, well I feel like this is kind of a great conclusion to the posts I have been answering all night about hated plots and why some people can't seem to accept that BT isn't endgame.

It's because of this! Once again, thank you anon OP for your almost devastating eloquence. I wish I had even half of your writing talent.

Thank you once again Nonny for dropping this in my askbox.

Remember, no hate in comments or reblogs. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of the anonymous OP’s posts, you can find all of their posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[ranbling]

I really like your reply to the anon about the fandom babying Buck. And especially your take on the lawsuit. I always feel like I'm in the minority when I validate his feelings and actions - rash but not wrong. Also your take on the grocery store fiasco is very interesting.

I think we all need someone to stand up for us from time to time. But I also think what Buck needs is someone to call him out when he is being too self-deprecating. And Eddie is always able to spot it and call it out or course-correct. That punching back talk in 4x04. Buck telling the firefam about Daniel. At the balcony after Chim punched him. In 7x01 with the You didn't end up as you. 6x12 in Eddie's kitchen (that scene is a treasure and a gem and a gift.) Even the cemetery talk.

So more than having someone who saves him from other people he needs someone who sees when he needs saving from himself. And he has that someone (beside Maddie) and it's Eddie.

Thank you!!!

I don't think Buck was in the wrong with the lawsuit. Do I wish he went to his union rep instead? Absolutely. Do I understand why he did not? Yep. He probably felt betrayed by the whole LAFD, not just Bobby and thought they wouldn't help him.

He wouldn't have been offered such a big settlement without having a case that would possibly win in the court. And I know the lawyer is being considered slimy and the worst of the worst in the fandom, but he was right to bring up all the things he did. He had to establish a pattern of Bobby only blocking Buck from coming back to work (which worked pretty well considering the settlement)

Also yes, Buck needs someone to call him out and Eddie is the best to do that.

[poughkeepsies]

Okay actually after thinking about it for a couple days I have what might be called a hot take. I think what 615 did and the response to it is actually very similar to 510. I wasn't a part of the fandom when 510 aired but just from reading the fics that were written during that time in the post-5A hiatus I can tell that a lot of people were putting a very strong and misguided emphasis on Buck's reaction to Eddie leaving the 118. At least from what I read, it seemed like everyone expected Buck to be hurt and feel abandoned by Eddie's choice and, frankly, have a reaction that I would've hated, which is to make that decision that Eddie made as a clear trauma response about himself. Sure, I'm absolutely sure that Buck felt hurt by the fact that Eddie didn't talk to him about it and continued to push him away after the fact, and Oliver certainly played Buck as feeling wrong-footed by how Eddie was acting, but his main concern was never, ever about himself - it was about the fact that he could see that Eddie was struggling but couldn't figure out why or how to help until Eddie's breakdown.

That's exactly what's happening in the graveyard scene. Yes, Eddie is absolutely hurt by the fact that Buck, his best friend, his person, is talking as if a stranger he just met sees him better than Eddie does. But his main takeaway from that conversation isn't to hang his head and walk away with a sack tied to a stick like goddamn cartoon. It's because he knows Buck that he can tell whatever feelings he thinks he has for Natalia are completely misguided and stem from a far more serious issue, which is that Buck is more affected by his death than he previously realized. That realization and upset expression that you see on Eddie's face mostly and most likely isn't heartbreak for himself - it's almost exactly a parallel to the kitchen scene in 511, when Eddie tells Buck to move on and Buck looks devastated but also mystified. In both 615 and 511 it's Eddie and Buck going "Oh. Something is wrong. This is worse than I thought."

So what I'm trying to say is that while all the speculation about Eddie majorly pining and being heartbroken and this scene compounding his loneliness (which, Eddie's loneliness is a whole other thing that does exist on it's own I absolutely agree with that, I'm just saying this scene wasn't that big of a factor in it) is valid and probably at least partly based in truth, I don't think that's the direction the writers will take the story. Specifically this sentiment I've been seeing all over my dash about how Buck doesn't know he's hurting Eddie and when he finds out he's going to be so devastated and apologize and I just?no? That's simply not realistic or fair to me. Buck's trauma response to his death is the culmination of a lifetime of trauma and just like Buck supported Eddie through his breakdown, Eddie will continue to be Buck's pillar through his once he stops running from it and no apologies will be owed because they love and understand each other enough to know that any hurt caused is not intentional.

[thatmexisaurusrex]

your bt fics inspire me so much 💕 i especially love the way you write tommy! i love reading fics from his perspective which are hard to find. sorry to send this anon but i’m shy lmao!

Oh gosh, don't be sorry! Anon is on for the shy folk out there, I'm glad it gives you the space to write in 🥰 I'm so happy you like my BuckTommy fics! Thank you so much for saying this 🥺 Tommy is a character I truly love writing. Some characters just hit you and he did. He's a man who wasn't good in the past. He was terrible partially because of the environment that he was in, partially because of the way he was raised, and most definitely because of his own poor choices.

But he chooses to be better. To be someone he can finally be proud of. To free himself of the restraints placed on him by his father figures, by society, and by himself. He becomes something that makes him happy. Becomes somebody who does better for the people around him. Who can have people's backs even if he hadn't in the past.

And I don't know if he's really there yet. I don't know if he's happy with himself. There's a loneliness to him that sticks so well, that tells me at least that he had never fully given in to being happy. Never knew how to or ever had the expectation that someone would want to make him happy or even the expectation that he could be happy.

But I like letting him live in my stories as he tries to figure that out. I like delving into why he gives those hints. I like helping him grapple with what has to be depression and heavy but necessary introspection on his part.

And while he shouldn't be the main highlight of next season, I do hope he gets moments to show the growth he has had. To show once again that he does have Hen, Chim, Eddie, Bobby, and Buck's back. I hope he finds that family in the people he wasn't sure he could have as family before.

I understand why someone may not like his character. There are reasons not to like him. He was a coward in the past. He did allow patriarchy and white supremacy to prop him up and allowed his fear of how he would be treated to overshadow doing the right thing back then. Even if 9-1-1 has shown that Hen and Chimney have forgiven him and trust him through hanging out with him after work at a bar, the 118 giving him a fun send off when he leaves, and Chimney on several occasions asking for Tommy's help and getting it, I understand that his past can put some people off. And there's a valid critique that more on-screen growth would be helpful in showing just how far Tommy is from the person he once was in the flashbacks.

But I have faith that 9-1-1 will show more of that. And it's clear from the narrative that that's what we're supposed to see in him - a person who's grown from the man who helped perpetuate a toxic work environment.

I feel like I might have veered away from the original ask here a bit, but I don't know. It's like - you take the good and the bad in a character. You take his past and his loneliness and his insecurities, but you also take his deadpan dry gallows humor and his patience and his understanding of how to be that better person he wished he always was.

And you let that blossom in your writing. And the character is all the better for it. I think so, at least. Thank you for loving my fics. Thank you for loving how I write Tommy. It means so much to me that my writing inspires you. You've truly made my day 🥰

[canichangemyblogname]

Not sure how I feel about the deleted scene drop. I understand 100% why they originally cut it— it’s kinda a useless scene (they would cover or already had covered the same narrative bases in other scenes) that would have thrown the pacing of the episode in a very short season already not renowned for it’s fantastic pacing (y’know… because it’s so short). Plus, imho, the dialogue (writing) comes across as… out of place (if that’s the right word). It’s a bit of an awkward scene. But maybe that’s because I think “shovel talk” (as other fans have called it) over a 34 y/o man is a bit cheugy and I’m also not enjoying the “mother of the 118” role that ABC seems to want to box Hen into (I’m also begging y’all fans to stop calling black women and queer people “sassy”).

I also couldn’t figure out if Tommy was playing dumb or actually that dense, so, at first, the scene seemed— at least to me— like a 180 for a character that has otherwise been portrayed as competent and perceptive. (EDIT: I’ve been leaning toward “he was playing dumb” over “he’s really that dense.” Also, Tommy *does not* strike me as the type to “play dumb” to avoid a question, especially from someone he has a good rapport with, as some fans are suggesting; he strikes me as the type to approach a goofy situation with an old friend with some dry humor. Doesn’t mean my first reaction wasn’t, “🙄 Don’t play dumb, now.”) However, his dialogue did provide some comedy and levity 🤷‍♂️, and I do agree with analyses that paint the whole interaction as a back ‘n forth teasing.

I just personally find the whole “What are your intentions” thing kinda passé and cliche.

So, I’m a bit torn because the scene did also give us:

a second confirmation that Tommy is not pressuring Buck into anything Buck doesn’t want, like a certain subset of fans insist.

confirmation that they’re “taking things slow,” something we know Buck does enjoy. Buck wants his romantic partners to show that they’re also serious about him. He has gone out of his way with previous partners to slow things down or choose people who seem serious about dating. He didn’t have to ask Tommy to slow down like he did Abby or Taylor.

“He’s in ketosis” << literally laughed my ass off, but justice for my man, Buck; he loves carbs. (Joking aside— this is totally in character for Evan “fitness nut” Buckley, who casually talks to men with tape worms in their ass about the best low carb pasta options.)

another confirmation that they’re fucking, and fucking nasty. “I’m letting him set the pace, and I’m just trying to keep up,” is a fantastic precursor to the “God I hope so.” Tommy Kinard— your jokes about keeping up with a younger man are truly unmatched. (EDIT: Yes, I know the line wasn’t inherently about sex, you dorks, and that it can also be a reference to how Buck has seemingly sped run the “pre-dating” phase of his and Tommy’s relationship.)

more confirmation that Buck is into Tommy, and that he shows Tommy this, too.

Edit: I’m also torn about having a less than enthusiastic reaction to the scene because at this point, Tommy is like the Star Wars sequels. There are valid critiques of his characterization, his past, and how he’s been written, but because there is a large chunk of the fandom that cannot argue in good faith and has the most ass-backwards things to say about queer men, I spend more time defending the character from terrible takes than engaging with the source material the way I’d like to. I’d really like to just say what I think without having to fight through bad faith arguments.

[lover-of-mine]

I concede your right on the closet part. I think I get more annoyed at the ditching scene I sort of give Buck a pass when you are correct. Like Eddie knows, he can be an idiot. But we love him. Of course not blurting things out isn't his strongest trait. Like "do you always sleep in the nude". If he was going to keep the secret from Eddie he should have had a back up plan in his head.

I think that's a lot of that scene tbh. Buck is the character we know and love and given Buck's past with the way that man has been left a lot, we tend to get protective of him especially when it happens with a character we don't know very well in a situation Buck has been put on repeatedly. We will be harsher on other characters and end up giving Buck a pass on stuff maybe we wouldn't if we thought about it more. It's like the first anon (I'm not sure if it was also you) who compared staying annoyed at someone because they left their best friend stranded. It doesn't matter much what Buck did to be left stranded, we know how Buck can be and we love that about him, so we don't fully understand why we should forgive someone who doesn't. Buck did try to stay as far away as possible from someone they might know and that was the extent of his plans for hiding, but he obviously didn't anticipate running into Eddie of all people, so he panicked. All things considered, with the way Tommy at that point had already been presented as someone who was in environments that forced him to hide his identity for most of his adult life, aka the army and the lafd under Gerrard, Tommy is already agreeing to a level of secrecy with the way Buck decided on the most hidden restaurant he could think of, but there is a difference in understanding Buck wanting time to figure himself out, and being put in a situation where Buck himself becomes something forcing him to hide. Tommy is extremely valid in being upset. Again, everyone involved should've communicated better, Tommy only saying he's leaving when he's in the car was a bad way to handle it, but he was justified in just wanting the date to end.

[jeffchats]

The Karate event in Dubai is on April 20th. Obviously the organisers will be paying for Mike and Jeffs flights and hotels, Jeffs paying for Verica to come from Australia, she won’t pay for her own ticket. To me it makes sense as to why she’s going to Dubai, I mean Jeffs flying 15 hours half way around the world anyway so they can meet in the middle. If he flew all that way and didn’t see her it would be strange.

Also does anyone else think this is all to quick, they literally met for the first time less than 3 weeks ago on 23rd March. After the Tana pod he had his reservations about her but now he’s changed his tune? What 34 year old spends less than 2 weeks dating a girl a decade younger him & then decides to be official after barely knowing each other? There’s more to a relationship than just finding each other physically attractive.

Deep down I think regardless of how Jeff feels about her, he’s in a position where he can’t pump the brakes and take things slower or tell her we need to be friends first as this is so public. He’s in a catch 22 situation where if he did cool things off people would think he’s a jerk and would get hell from h3 audience & upset Verica . And if he continues this situationship he feels pressure to show its going well and to keep Verica happy as it’s obvious she has way stronger feelings for Jeff. Jeffs got himself in a really fucked up position where he can’t be transparent and honest about his feelings. Dammed if he does, dammed if he doesn’t… but its his mess & his decision making from the start, so idk, Jeffs made his bed now he has to lie in it right?

Jeff is a fucking moron to think he needs to please H3, their fans, or his fans at the expense of someone else or himself. It's a fucking fan dating show, people expect it not to work out. He made his bed but he definitely will not sleep in it.

Instead of being honest, he's going to further dig himself into a hole that will make him look like more of an asshole. If he was honest from the start and actually discussed his reservations and why he's so hesitant, people would understand. Instead he wants to talk about it to some 20 year old influencer who is known for clout farming (Tana)? People wouldn't be surprised if it didn't work out with a FAN. His need to kiss ass and be validated by people who probably do not care for him as much as he thinks they do will contribute to his downfall. Let's face it, his career has not been great. He can be transparent and honest but he doesn't have the balls to so what does he do? Clout chase for a quick buck at the expense of his reputation and career.

He is fun using Verica for clicks and literally telling Tana he was unsure AND allowed it to be posted in the video after the week he spent with her? Now he's pulling the mental health card? Cry me a fucking river. He could have avoided all of those comments had he cut it out of the video if his feelings changed but no he chose to leave it in there and get people to talk. He's banning people on Reddit but why isn't he deleting that post discussing his feelings? HE KNOWS IT'LL RESULT IN CLICKS. Views = money. How do you think he's going to fund Verica's economy ticket to Dubai? Using his audience. The mental health card annoys me because Jeff has all the resources or much more resources than the average person to seek help and get it. Does he do it? No, he chooses to abuse sleeping pills and get rid of therapist because he doesn't like his hairstyle. He sounds like an idiot. People struggle to even get health insurance and I don't feel bad for someone who has resources and chooses not to access them yet complain on the internet that his mental health is bad.

[matan4il]

I think it's possible Eddie is blinded to Helena's behaviour and focused on Ramon's because she's the parent that stayed. Eddie seemed to be hung up on the fact that Ramon wasn't around, (probably a pinch of self loathing and guilt in there, imo) but Helena was there, she was the one raising him. So I think he's probably lays any blame Helena should hold on his dad, because if Ramon had been there, his mom wouldn't have been so mean to him. Just a thought.

Keep up the incredible work btw. 👍❤️

Hi, my darling! :D Thank you for this ask, following on the heels of this reply to an ask about Helena Diaz.

You make a very good and valid point, sometimes kids do treat the parent who left and the parent who stayed differently. I'm not sure to what a degree that explains the different treatment of his parents for me personally, for one thing because on the one hand Ramon didn't completely abandon the family (he was more... partly absent rather than full on abandoning), and on the other, up until 517, whenever we had "live examples," Helena seemed to be the worse parent, the one being more hurtful. So I guess I would expect whatever explains the difference in Eddie's attitude to be something bigger than Ramon being away a lot for work, and also to be something that justifies Eddie's comment which completely erases the issues with Helena, rather than be forgiving, understanding or dismissive while acknowledging their existence. I guess that's why I tend to fear 911 decided to simply ignore what Helena did in favor of a narrative about three generations of fathers and sons struggling to bond, wanting to do the right thing for their family and not always having the right tools to do so (like Eddie in 305).

But I hope you're right and not me, and that the show does return to this and address it, because it's one of the few things I'm currently unhappy with in the larger scheme of 911 things. And if Buck could somehow be a part of that, being there for Eddie, well. I would def not complain about that. ;)

Thank you so much for your invaluable input and perspective! I hope you have a great day! And as always, here’s my ask tag. xoxox

[wackybuddiemewbs]

“I just want to know what these other candidates have that apparently I don't.”

While it's later played for laughs when Christopher makes the very valid point that this guy's loft lacks a couch (and yes, Eddie and couch are synonymous in this scenario), it got me thinking.

I just felt reminded of Buck's software updates and his constant struggle to optimize himself to be deserving of certain things like affection, love, or care. Because this circles back to him questioning not just what (his) happiness is, but also what he has to do in order to achieve (deserve) it.

Buck often perceives himself as lacking something (why else would you need a software update?). Defective parts. Feeling like he is nothing as a young adult, vowing to Maddie that he will be something someday. He has been searching for his purpose in life.

He hinged it for a long time on being a good firefighter - and when he was injured and couldn't work, that nearly tore him apart. Because it was his way of being something (that matters). I guess in a way he is still largely dependent on it, but there are other things. There is the 118. There is Maddie and Jee. There is Eddie in particular alongside Christopher. There is a will. As Taylor rightfully pointed out to him, his life is full of meaningful relationships. And they constitute, for a large part, who he sees himself as. It's his purpose (the purpose of his life).

This season, he's taking more of an inside look at the purpose his life is supposed to have. If it isn't the things he currently has, then what else might they be?

If Buck is in for some life-threatening situation of some kind to force a realization, that might just do the trick. Because Buck still has to fully grasp that his life has to be inherently worthwhile to himself. Eddie edged him closer to that at the end of season 4, with the will, with telling him that he's not expendable. But that didn't drive the point home for Buck, in my opinion. Buck may have understood that in Eddie's eyes, he is not expendable, that his life important.

But he may have taken a wrong turn in yet again hinging it on outer factors instead of applying it to his own self-worth. Because Eddie linked it to his (their) heart, Christopher. It has been one of the grandest gestures imaginable from Eddie to literally hand his heart over to Buck, and I do believe his intention was actually to that point: He wanted Buck to feel inherently valuable. And he tried to show it by entrusting him with his best thing, his most important, most treasured, most loved thing on this earth.

But it remains something extrinsic to Buck. What he hasn't fully grappled with is that his life is inherently valuable qua being his life. Not because he cares so much for Christopher. Not because he loves him that much. Not because Eddie deems him worthy of taking care of him. Not because Eddie deems his life very important.

Buck has to see his own life as the source of its worth. And that no matter his personal shortcomings in certain aspects, his worth does not diminish or pale in comparison to the lives of others.

So yeah, what he currently lacks is the understanding that his happiness does not rely on being perfect (complete). His worth is not dependent on extrinsic factors. And it isn't done with being content with what you got (armchair symbolism). Buck is that. Buck has to learn to be content with his own person and realize his inherent value.

And a near-death experience might just get him there. He had a close encounter after the Daniel reveal, where he felt like giving up, upon his own admission. But to me, that was less about him coming to terms with his own self-worth. It was to realize that he has a family that will come for him and that cares and loves him, with Maddie and the 118.

i also think that a part of it will be the realization regarding his feelings for Eddie (Buddie fan, yo, what did you expect? That I wouldn't bring this back up? Sheesh.). Buck was in a long term relationship with Taylor and gained an understanding that while he wants a steady relationship, he doesn't want it with Taylor. *cue for Buddie* No, but seriously. Though I'm somewhat leaning towards a scenario wherein Buck will have to understand his own worth being enough before he can get to his romantic feelings for Eddie and vice versa. Because otherwise, he might hinge his worth back upon a valued relationship instead of turning it back on himself.

Buck seems to have gained a clearer picture of what he wants to be to the people around him (being a support for Eddie, etc.). He also starts to think about what he truly wants in his life (that isn't just the job or whatever else), and in that same vain, he will think about whom he wants to be. But I think one twist is going to be that he has to gain an understanding that who he wants to be is actually who he already is or will still become, given the time.

And that what he is lacking is just the next steps he has to take (if he so chooses). And that he has everything that he needs in place. He just has to understand that his happiness can only be fully realized if he allows himself to see himself as worthy, entirely on his own, couch or not.

[jpt3391]

The Magnificent Seven

From the start of the movie, The Magnificent Seven departs from its source material already by giving the farmers more personality in the beginning rather than the middle of the movie, which takes away from the pacing as well as our understanding of the characters. Just from that, the differences are foreshadowed. 

For example, the “lead” farmer talks back to the bandit and the another farmer tries to attack them directly because of the frustration that the bandit is causing the family. Rather than giving the bandits anonymity and lack of character for the audience to easily recognize conflict, in The Magnificent Seven the bandit leader is introduced and given many lines throughout the movie instead. While I didn’t have any major problems with him as a character, I thought that Kurosawa’s stylistic choice (or maybe the screenwriter) of giving the bandits less (basically no lines) time to speak, was a good choice. Another difference from the start was the farmers had money to give to the cowboys which, taken from that, motivates one of the “samurai” (Harry) by money, even though he dies. Even when Harry is dying, Chris chooses to not tell him that there was no money in the contract that they have taken up, it is supposed to be out of their goodwill (and also $20 bucks and some gold), which is another thing that I think takes away from the adaptation. Sturges could have easily gone a different direction in the movie when trying to find a reason that the cowboys help the farmers. In fact, I quite like the intro that the movie did with the character of Chris and Vin. Both of them, out of the goodness of their heart, are escorting a hearse that contains the body of a Native American who was just shot. The concept of racism is brought up because of that, and I was looking forward to how the movie would address racism but unfortunately, it didn’t touch on the topic that much after. The interactions that the cowboys had with the farmers just showed how much of their life was different to them, how the life of white people (at the time) was different to Mexicans as well. 

When Chris was recruiting people to help him, at first I was confused what character Chico was trying to replicate in Seven Samurai. From his mannerisms, I knew it was Kikuchiyo, but at times I felt like he also represented Katsushiro as well, with how much he wanted to be taught by Chris. In addition to that, when Chris was recruiting the others, I felt that Chris already knew a majority of the cowboys which eliminated the altruistic attitudes that the samurai showed in Seven Samurai. On a side note, when Chico was drunk and yelling at Chris in the saloon along with the other people, that reminded me of the scene in Rashomon when the wife was looking at the husband because of the similarities in wanting to be acknowledged and noticed.

Some of the scenes that I liked though were of: Chico and the jumpcut from the deer to him, which I interpreted as a representation of his innocence. 

When Chico was playing with the horse, I was reminded of Kikuchiyo which was very nice.

The absence of a Rikichi character took away from what made me like Seven Samurai so much. Rikichi and the suffering that he went through impacted me a lot when I was watching it, but because he wasn’t there (or at least a similar character) I felt that I couldn’t relate to the farmers as much. Another thing that I noticed was that the old man felt more like comedic relief to me, rather than a stubborn old man. That is supported by the fact that he lives at the end, but to give Sturges a point, there wasn’t really any to destroy the houses because the environment and warfare was different. When they started partying right after they only killed a few, that made me question the validity of the veteran cowboys. I was like, why are they celebrating so soon? And then finally, the return of Chico as a farmer instead of either dying or going with the cowboys to transcend classes. Overall, I felt that the movie focused more on action scenes and romance, as Hollywood movies often do to make it an easy watch, rather than giving you something to think about.

[mishafletcher]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.

First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping. 

Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.

The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.

This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but— 

You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.

Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.

There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?

Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.

There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something. 

Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.

Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.

Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.

I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.

In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers. 

Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.

Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.

Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.

This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.

Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.

The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too. 

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck & Eddie: Eddie takes care of Buck

Even though Buck has previously been in romantic relationships, Eddie his proven to be the only person who knows how to take care of him emotionally, mentally and physically.  He's comforted Buck many times over the past few years and the truth is he's probably the only one who can.  The nature of Eddie and Buck's relationship is built on trust which allows them to share a deep level of intimacy that couldn't be experienced with either of their romantic love interests.

Examples of those who didn't support Buck

1.  Abby abandoned him after he choked on a piece of bread while he was on a date with her and he ended up being hospitalized in 1x6 "Heartbreaker". She looked disgusted at the thought of having to take care of him while she sat in his hospital room. When Bobby arrived he saw the look on her face and said, "I can stay with him if you want to leave" (foreshadowing for when she actually did leave him in 1x10 "A Whole New You").

2.  Ali abandoned Buck too, right after his leg got crushed by a ladder truck in 2x18 "This Life We Choose".  She said it was due to his job but he told her that's what he was doing when they met.

3. Taylor's number one priority was and always will be her job.  Since they really didn't know each other, the three times he needed comfort, she wasn't able to provide it. In 5x4 "Home and Away" after Chimney punched Buck, he called Eddie for emotional and physical support. The advice or emotional support she tried to provide to Buck in 5x5 "Peer Pressure" only confused him because he couldn't relate to it.  Finally in 5x6 "Brawl in Cell Block 9-1-1" when Buck returned to his loft after being injured, he rejected her advances to physically comfort him.

Buck had an unusually difficult childhood due to his trifling parents and the reason they decided to conceive him.  He has always exhibited a need for validation and to have people like and accept him.  He wears his heart on his sleeve and he genuinely wants to help others.  While he usually appears to be a strong firefighter, he's constantly filled with self-doubt and self-worth issues. He willingly sacrifices his own safety for victims when they are in danger.  That's why he should be in a relationship with someone (Eddie) who not only knows him, they also need to be able to support and understand him.

Examples of Eddie supporting Buck

2x1 "Under Pressure" Eddie complimented Buck regarding his ability to help him remove a live grenade from a victim's leg while in the back of an ambulance.

3x1 "Kids Today" Eddie offered Buck mental support by checking on him after he quit his job due to an embolism.  He brought Christopher to Buck's loft so that Buck could spend the day with him.  He wanted Buck to stop feeling sorry for himself and to stop being depressed.

3x3 "The Searchers" After the Tsunami, Buck was mentally struggling after he and Christopher got separated.  Eddie brought Christopher back to Buck so that he could care for him as a way to prove that he still trusted him.  Buck thought he failed them but Eddie reassured him by saying, "There's no one in this world I trust with my son more than you".

3x18 "What's Next?" Eddie asked Buck "Are you ok?" after Buck saw Abby leaving with her new fiancée.  He offered Buck the emotional support he needed.

4x4 "9-1-1 What's Your Grievance" Eddie emotionally supported Buck while his trifling parents were in L.A.  He told Buck it was ok to feel upset especially if his parents caused him to feel that way.  He said "Did you say anything that wasn't true?" Buck said "No!". Then Eddie said "Then what do you have to apologize for?".

4x13 "Suspicion" Even though Eddie was physically hurt after he got shot, his main concern was if Buck was hurt.  He asked him, "Are you hurt?" while Buck was trying to stop Eddie's shoulder from bleeding. 

4x14 "Survivors" After Buck visited Eddie in the hospital and said, "I think it would have been better for him if I was the one who got shot", Eddie immediately devised a plan to stop him from spiraling.  When Buck came to pick him up when he was going to be discharged, he told Buck about the will.  He said "No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you and that's what I want for him".

5x4 "Home and Away" Buck called Eddie after Chimney punched him; therefore Eddie was able to provide him with emotional, mental and physical support.  He allowed Buck to share his side of the incident and offered him sound advice on how to handle it. He said, "You're the guy who likes to fix things. But sometimes things don't need to be fixed".

5x18 "Starting Over" Eddie emotionally and mentally supported Buck by offering sound advice regarding Buck's need to end his toxic relationship with Taylor. He also provided a therapeutic perspective on Bobby's rising guilt over the Jonah situation.

Whenever Buck needed to be comforted by any of his previous love interests, they abandoned him and didn't know him well enough to provide any of the types of support that Eddie effortlessly provides to Buck.  Eddie truly knows Buck which means he can offer support from every aspect to help Buck feel valuable and worthy.  He also listens to Buck and remains interested whenever he rambles about random facts which helps him to feel seen and heard.  Eddie's ability to comfort Buck is one of the many reasons why they are perfect together as work and life partners.

[allmyspideys]

nothing much happens

Summary: you and bucky have to share a room, but you listen to a sleep podcast and really hope bucky doesn’t mind

A/N: idk what i’m doing with this and honestly it’s not very good, but i needed a step away from our wandavision bucky au, so this is what i wrote :) i actually do listen to sleep podcasts and this is a real concern that i have lol… If you have any requests, send them in! Enjoy!

Living at the Avengers compound is usually a dream come true; there’s a full size kitchen with updated appliances, the toilets always work, the ceiling has never caved in, you have a whole room to yourself, and to top it all off, you have some amazing roommates. When you signed on to be the Avengers coordinator and on site manager, you didn’t know that you would be getting some of the best friends that you ever had. You signed on immediately because of the good pay, benefits, and it would get you out of the dingy apartment you had been living in for a while, but the friends were a huge bonus. A dream come true. 

When you met James Buchanan Barnes, part of you immediately fell in love. The way his dark hair contrasted with his bright blue eyes and the sharp cut of his jawline. How could anyone not be wildly attracted? But when you looked closer, you could see the pain and resignation in his eyes; he was inn pain and just exhausted, and it was abundantly clear to you. So that day, you set out to just do a little something for him every time you saw him. At first it was just offering a bright smile, then it moved to asking how his day was going or telling a few jokes. Before you knew it, you were seeing Bucky every day and teasing him while cooking dinner together or just sitting in silence when it was a rough day. Bucky sought you out and you were more than happy to be there; he was a fun and amazing guy that you were happy to call your friend.

While the ceiling may not have ever caved in (yet), there was a small fire that broke out in the labs (Thanks Peter…), so everyone that lived on that side of the compound had to move while they fixed it. Which is how you ended up with Bucky sharing your room for a few nights.

Originally the plan was to just have everyone sleep in one of the common spaces. There were couches and lots of blankets, so it would be like one big adult, superhero sleepover. Sounded like fun if you were being honest, but then Bucky came to you with a very valid concern.

You were in the kitchen making breakfast when he pulled you aside. 

“Y/N,” Bucky’s hand lingered on your arm, distracting for a moment before you noticed the concern in his voice and evident all over his face, “I can’t sleep with everyone. They can’t all know.”

You wished you didn’t understand immediately. You wished that Bucky would just tell the team; they’d understand. But more importantly, you wished they didn’t happen at all. Without a second though you offered up your room.

“I can’t just take your room,” his forehead scrunched together, just demanding you to run your thumb across it and sooth him.

“Buck, it’s okay,” you tried to reassure him, “I don’t mind sleeping on the couch. I always liked sleepovers,” that got a little chuckle out of him, “besides, it’s only for a few days.” 

It was like you could see the gears turning in Bucky’s head. You always knew when he was up to something because the thought process was just so clear on his face. It was the way his eyes looked determined and stared straight ahead, but the very slight smirk told you that it was never sinister, but the little scrunch between his eyebrows was the real key to knowing Bucky had come up with something. 

“What if I just crash in your room with you,” he asked tentatively. While his face normally showed confidence, there was just uncertainty. Bucky hoped that he hadn’t overstepped. You were his best friend, his confidant, and he just wanted you to be comfortable. 

“I’ll take the floor! Of course,” he quickly finished.

Honestly, you didn’t know why you hadn’t thought of it first. It’s not like Bucky hadn’t seen you in your PJs; you ate breakfast in them. You’d fallen asleep on him during movies and definitely on long trips back to the compound. You didn’t even care if you shared a bed, though you’d have to deal with whatever feelings it brought up later… 

“Of course Bucky!” 

And with that, Bucky Barnes was spending the night with you, which was totally fine. Until you realized it wasn’t. 

It’s not that you couldn’t sleep, because you could fall asleep anywhere at any time, the problem was falling asleep when you needed to go to sleep. It was like there was pressure to fall asleep, so it just never happened. Then you found sleep podcasts and listened to them literally every night. After you told Wanda, she started using them too. You’d never felt ashamed about it, but also you hadn’t really been sleeping with anyone, so no one other than Wanda knew about it.

When it came time to go to sleep, after you convinced Bucky that it was really okay to share a bed, you realized that you probably should tell him about the podcast.

Bucky sensed the discomfort before you started saying anything. The concern in his eyes matched the concern in yours.

“I listen to a sleep podcast,” you blurted out.

It took Bucky a moment to even register what you had said, then another moment to register what you were talking about. 

“It’s called Nothing Much Happens,” you continued, still looking very concerned. Bucky just looked at you amused. His little smile made your heart skip a beat, not really helping with the nervousness.

“I’ve trained myself to fall asleep to it,” you rambled, just trying to get all the words out and explain yourself, “but it really does help, like I get two sentences in and I’m out, and I think if you try it, well, it could help”. 

Bucky gently cupped your face. He was always so gentle with his metal arm; he was still afraid of hurting someone with it and it was never going to be you, he promised himself. But you knew that he never could hurt you and leaned into his metal hand. 

“It's okay,” he chuckled, “play whatever you want. I’ll give it a try.” 

Bucky always tried what you brought him. There was trust there; it was built up from many laughs and teasing, rough days and long nights, and the sincerity of your personality and heart. You were a light in Bucky’s life, so he tried anything you asked.

As you settled into bed and pressed play, Bucky knew that it would be his first restful night in a long time, though he couldn’t be sure if it was because of you or the podcast. At some point in the night Bucky scooted closer to you. The warmth radiating off his body only pulled you in more and in sleep you fit your body in the little crook of his arm. 

You’d never tell him, but Bucky did have a nightmare when he was with you. You woke up to find yourself tucked against his side and panicked a little, but when you realized it was Bucky’s groans that pulled you out of sleep, you couldn’t have cared less. You finally reached up to gently rub your fingers over the little crease between Bucky’s eyebrows, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and he fell back into a peaceful slumber. Staying with you those few days really was the best sleep Bucky had gotten in a long time. He’d tell you that the podcast really helped him fall asleep, but really it was you. The feeling from the weight of your head against his chest and the mutual warmth flowing back and forth between you was the most comforting thing he’d ever experienced. Laying in your arms while you ran your fingers through his hair made Bucky feel like he was healing. But of course, it was the podcast that made him sleep better at night.

[princessfbi]

can you talk about buck + anxiety?

I would love nothing more! Let's take a slightly deep dive into Buck's mental health.

Buck most likely has generalized anxiety disorder that he probably inherited from both his parents.

However this was only exacerbated by the fact that he most likely experienced severe traumatic pain as an infant from the tests and procedures required for the bone marrow donation Daniel needed. Infants have been studied to feel pain like adults but do not possess the understanding of why it's happening as they're still way too young for the development of that concept. This usually can lead to changes in brain chemistry including pain sensitivity, self-esteem, and stress indicators. I know you can also take a transplant from the umbilical chord (which is painless) but given the timeline Maddie gave Buck (Daniel dying when Buck was about one) I'm going to assume that the transplant took place later after the umbilical chord was long discarded.

We see Buck experience pain when he falls off the bike and calls for his mom but when she rejects him and he starts to hurt himself for attention, you see him almost desensitize his pain sensitivity and builds up a skewed tolerance which is why I believe that the blood clot probably did feel like just a cramp to him. We've seen him take a bowling ball to his head, remain conscious while his leg was crushed, drink coffee from a hot pot, get up from being knocked unconscious after smacking his face into metal vat, and barely even flinch when he cuts his arm open etc etc. He's learned to ignore his pain sensitivity with his adrenaline rush.

The adrenaline rush forms in many different ways with Buck and it's interesting because of Buck's complex relationship with confrontation (because he either faces it head on or he wilts inward and there's no real middle ground). The best example I can think of is when the girls were catfished by a guy pretending to be him. When he was slapped, that adrenaline flooded his system and so his response wasn't to freak out but to laugh it off. But when the girl splashes him with water, his adrenaline rush was cut off by his abandonment issues making an appearance when Abby didn't believe him and left.

Given that Buck grew up in an emotionally neglectful home (with his only caregiver to model emotions and social cues after being Maddie who was also a child learning herself) and not understanding why his parents would get upset over things as he didn't know the reason for their anger, it would seem almost like a hairpin trigger. This unknown would add to the anxiety of trying not to set his parents off. The emotional neglect and the above points probably meant Buck had some slight developmental delays including social ones (see Buck 1.0) which just highlights once again how freaking important Maddie is that Buck became the Buck we know and love! All the things we love about Buck he would've learned from Maddie and that is because Maddie was also a victim of emotional neglect as well. They both had to learn to be self-reliant from a young age but they fed off each other.

This untreated trauma would also explain his self-destructive behaviors and why he and Maddie are so protective of one another.

But because Buck's anxiety has been such a constant in his life it's probably almost something he doesn't even notice. Think of it as tinnitus. It's there but you almost don't even notice it. But when it gets loud, it's all you can focus on. But because his feelings were most likely not validated by his parents, he wouldn't have known what to call it. Repression has been his coping skill for almost his entire life.

Repression can often manifest in a need for control and Buck's need for control comes from how he maintains his body. Caloric intake, measuring of body mass, so on and so forth. There was a tiktok going around about how we as a society aren't ready to acknowledge that most of the "gym dudes" that are obsessed with working out and being fit probably suffer from some form of an eating disorder/eating disorder tendencies and I think Buck could fall under that lens. I don't think we'll get the content to necessarily prove that but it's interesting all the same. We also see him with some slight hoarding tendencies when it comes to food too (when he grabs the broccoli and sticks his fingers in the spaghetti and then almost chokes on the bread). This is something we see more of in S1 and not necessarily much since. EXCEPT for the date with Veronica when he suggests splitting the slice cheesecake. At that point you can see Buck is clearly uncomfortable and rather than get his own cheesecake, he asks to share. Then when she body shames him (because yes it goes both ways) he doesn't even eat his cake and brings it home to Albert.

Another form of control we see is his binge researching! This is such an amazing detail to add. You ever look up a menu before you go to a restaurant with a friend so you already know what you're going to get but still look at the menu when you get there anyway? It's a form of gaining control in an unknown environment. But since Buck wasn't exposed to the world until his early 20s, the world as a whole is an unknown environment.

Now: Time for Coping Skills.

So, we often see Buck self-soothe himself (and a lot of it is unconsciously). He rubs his hands a lot. Whether it's together by wringing his hands or on his thighs (for example, you can see him do both when he talks about his parents to Chimney).

Buck also fidgets. A lot. Whether it's with his belt buckle or a tomato or his phone. I know the lines on his phone case are the design but I like to think that they're Calm Strips (which are strips with texture that you can put on things to help you focus or use as a form of self soothing).

He also paces. So much pacing.

I would wager a guess that when he was kid he probably rubbed his head a bunch or ran his hand through his hair. You see him knot his hands in his hair when Abby calls him to talk about Devon. But it's moved over to rubbing his face and licking his lips.

Let's talk about Buck's sitting. I know we like to joke that it's because he's a bisexual who is allergic to chairs but this can also be an indicator of anxiety as well. When he's talking to Bobby about Abby, he sits. When he tells the team he's worried she's going to leave again because Maddie is moving out, he sits. When he finds out why Maddie is running from danger, he sits. Take for example the conversation he has with Maddie at his loft about her calling him sad and lonely. What does he do? He sits on the counter after she pushes him a little to open up. Then what does he do when he thinks the conversation is done? He stands back up again. It's a physical indicator of trying to control the situation. Sure anxiety can make your skin feel like it's crawling with ants but it can also kind of make your legs feel weak and a little hollow. Buck has it both ways. It's why we saw him really unravel when he's forced to sit down because of his leg too (as well as other things) and his squirming when he was talking to Chimney about his parents in the loft. That overwhelmed feeling can take you out at the knees so you see Buck leaning against things too (such as when Chimney was trying to get him to talk to Maddie in Buck Begins).

Now for the real kicker: Buck's stutter. (This one I can speak a little on a personal level because I come off as having it together and being in charge of my situation a lot of the time but I too have an anxiety induced stutter.) We know that Oliver deals with social anxiety in real life so I don't even think he's consciously making the choice to do it half the time but it works with the material that Buck and Maddie grew up very isolated from the rest of the world. The anxiety stutter can range from being debilitating (think The King's Speech) or just the occasional stutter where you slur/smoosh words together/repeat a word/sounds such as "I-I-I mean..." "Hey hey hey---" "Uh, how-- how--- how was the, uh, the big date..". It's interesting that you don't see him stutter as much when he's around Maddie and sometimes Hen and I don't know if that's just because Oliver (because again I don't know if he's consciously making the choice to do the stutter) is comfortable with Aisha and JLH or not but it's great!

This is also why the scene where he blows up with his parents is amazing. That monologue where you hear him fighting to get the words out is another example of him trying not to repress his emotions anymore. "I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment."... "I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you." THAT I think was very intentional on Oliver's part.

It'd be interesting to see Buck suffer through an anxiety attack on screen. Not because I want him to have one but rather it's more realistic if he did have one now that he's practicing mindfulness and learning to unpack these things he just thought were normal. It's because of that, that we got him breaking down when he found out Eddie was going to pull through. Those "coping skills" he developed from such an early age were gone and it just sort of exploded out of him.