#also i got back on my adhd meds!!!!!!! its going great

[aropride]

how are we doing today!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for mocking my math teacher?

a few months ago my school got a new math teacher. this would be fine, if not for the fact that one of the first things she did was ask me (14M) if something was going on at home. along with this, i wad also severely depressed.

not only that, she had told multiple kids that ADHD is not real/that its a myth. my friend (14F, we'll call her c) and i both have adhd, along with many other kids in our class. she just very clearly does not know how to teach neurodivergent kids and it pisses me off every day.

i also had a conversation with her that was like

her: youve been slacking... somethings been off these last few weeks...

me: yeah i did stop taking my adhd meds recently

her: nonono it was a few weeks ago

me: yeah i stopped taking them. a few weeks ago.

her: why?:(

me: well they stopped me from eating so

and she just. walked away😭

so today c and i were sat next to eachother, and c goes to get help with a problem we were both struggling on. c comes back and sits down without a word. a few minutes later, i notice the teacher is basically yelling across the room at c and gaslighting her. telling her that she hadnt said anything about the problem being wrong, blah blah blah.

so a bit later into the class, this teacher comes over to our desk to help me, and says something along the lines of "you guys were talking earlier, you need to focus more ill move you so you can focus better if you dont stop talking" ect ect. c speaks up and says "well its hard for me to focus anywhere" and the teacher just. denies her?? so i say "well we have attention deficit hyperactive disorder so its not really something we can control" and she just kind of. disagrees?? it was weird idk anyways she starts walking away and im mocking her in a low voice which i understand wasnt a great choice but also. she was being a bitch. so she turns around and says "see me after class you two..." like damn okay.

c is also an overachiever so she often goes in for help and a few times shes just been denied help and like ??? you literally offered her help why are you now taking this back

this teacher has also given us a test on the ladt day of the quarter on something that we had been learning for maybe a week or so and it was worth 100 points (tests = 90% of our grade, hw = 10%)

i understand that mocking isnt a great thing to do but this woman has hated me from day one so aita

[pixlh3art]

i'm recovering from surgery and therefore off my adhd meds so fuck it

Here's 4 Things That I, a Former Computer Technician, Wish Everybody Knew About Technology

I'm not a major expert or anything, but I'm certified for repairs for two of the biggest laptop manufacturers out there, have done not only several in-warranty repairs for those companies, but have also done a few at-home "sure babe I'll replace your laptop battery" repairs for friends/partners. I am also my whole extended family's designated tech support person for all things software. Here we go!

1. When you spill liquid on a device, turn it off, LEAVE it off, and bring it to a technician. Liquid damage to devices does not occur at the moment of the spill, but when electricity goes through wet/corroded transistors. It is NOT a good thing if the device "suddenly works later."

2. Every device that you have that can be used and also move at the same time (laptop, tablet, phone, etc.) has what's called an "SSD," or "solid-state-drive" for its storage. "Storage" is what you actually keep saved on the device, which is different from "memory" (a computer's ability to multitask). SSDs are great, but there's one thing to keep in mind: they really really REALLY don't like being filled to the brim. When they get too full, they essentially lose the ability to actually make any more space, even when you delete something, and that causes all kinds of software issues. Most good SSDs are programmed to prevent this, but you can still manage to screw them up if you try hard enough. Treat every SSD like it's maybe 5GB smaller than it says it is.

3. Turn your devices off every once in a while. Like, idk, maybe once a week. It's good for them. And no, restarting doesn't count, I mean turn them fully, fully off. If you're unsure as to the difference, let me put it this way: imagine you always got 8 hours of sleep, but only 2 hours at a time. Yeah - that's what only ever restarting is like. Turn your phone and your tablet and your computer fully off every now and again. It doesn't have to be for long or anything, just has to be a full shutdown.

4. If you lose the charger for your laptop, do some google research and find out the exact specifications of the charger your computer has - specifically, the wattage. I highly recommend going to the original manufacturer to buy your replacement. I know that a lot of laptop chargers can be hella expensive, but trust me, buying a cheap Amazon charger will become a MUCH more expensive problem later. If you can't get the original charger from the manufacturer, or if you can but it'll ship way too late, at least try to compare the price that they sell it for to what you purchase elsewhere - if it's anything more than like 10$ cheaper than what the manufacturer is charging, then it's suspicious.

TL;DR: if you spill liquid on something turn it off and bring it to a technician no matter what, treat every device's storage like it's maybe 5GB smaller than it says it is, turn your phone off every once in a while, and if you lose your laptop charger buy the replacement directly from the manufacturer.

People who repair devices for a living will thank you.

Oh! And back up your data. Please. I literally don't care how, just do it. Seriously.

[viviegirl05]

dear science side of tumblr...

i got a severe lyme disease infection in my brain when I was 16. im now 31 and i am a COMPLETELY different person than i was at 16 before i got sick. did the whole chronic illness thing affect my personality?

to be clear, i had was a bacterial infection (lyme is a bacteria) and it gave me what we called seizures but def werent--i legit though they were panic attacks for a year and went to therapy looking to treat anxiety. looking back i have no clue why i thought that. the first episode i had i was in the kitchen making a snack at home alone after school. zero pressure from anyone, no problems with school work, i finally had friends for the first time in years, things were actually pretty good at the time. after a year of therapy my therapist was like “yeah, you don’t have anxiety problems.

i didn’t get diagnosed until almost 18 months had gone by and by then my immune system was basically nonexistent and i probs would have died if i got the flu. it was BAD. i spent months rebuilding my immune system and slept like 18 hours a day minimum for a year (my senior year of hs, but the school was really great about it and i still graduated on time. wish i had taken a year off though, all my friends were in the year after me anyway).

i went off to college the next august and was IMMEDIATELY suicidal. like my parents dropped me off and within an hour of them leaving i realized i wanted to kill myself. 

i didint find a med that worked for my depression for 2 years (i tried to kill myself once by overdosing on painkillers--do not recommend. i got an ulcer that took months to heal) and shortly after discovering i was no longer suicidal a new lyme treatment led to chronic migraines. like, i was in unbearable pain for 21 months. i get botox now and get maybe 4 migraines a month, SOO much better.

all this time i was losing interest in everything i liked as a teenager and didnt really get new interests until like 5 years ago

also ive gained like 150 lbs since i got sick, so that has led to some issues, but im currently positive in my self image for the most part

i also think im ace now? idk i def masturbated a lot in hs but never actually had an orgasm (i always blamed ADHD becuase i would get bored even though i was turned on) but now its like whatever. i have a lot of chronic pain now, so maybe thats why i never feel aroused? when i use edibles for pain treatment i feel so good and pain-free that i sometimes think im turned on but im actually not. i think its just the absence of pain that leads to a pleasurable expereince of not feeling shitty that my brain thinks is good and equates with being turned on? im so confused about my sexuality at this point

the thing is, i dont feel like i am at all who i was going to be before i got sick. like, i feel like my whole persoanlity and being has changed as a result of my illness, not just my health and life/circumstances. 

i have no clue what is going on or what to think. 

any help?

[rustbeltjessie]

The past week (the good, the bad, & the miscellaneous):

—One of my uncles is in very bad health, and if he doesn’t get the proper treatment soon, will probably not make it. That’s bad enough on its own, but it has also brought up a whole slew of family drama, which…well, I won’t get into specifics because they’re not really mine to tell, but it sucks.

—The oldest kiddo is doing great with his ADHD meds. He’s better able to focus on schoolwork, he listens better, and he has actual reciprocal conversations more often now. (Like, yesterday, we got into a conversation about AI art/writing, and he had some very well-thought-out opinions! I could tell he wasn't just regurgitating things he'd heard; he'd actually put a lot of thought into it.)

—I've gotten a little sad about the fact that I probably am ADHD, and possibly also autistic, or whatever (there’s definitely some neurodivergence in there), but never got any help when I was a kid/young adult. Because AFAB kids tend to present differently and mask better, y'know? All I know is I had an awful lot of school reports that were like: "J. is really smart, but doesn't follow directions well" or "J. does well on everything, when she decides it's something she wants to do." And then when I reached the age of burnout everyone was like: "But you are so smart! You're just not trying hard enough! You're just lazy!" How much better could I have done, especially in college, had anyone noticed that I was trying, that I was fucking struggling, and it wasn't just laziness?

—Speaking of college, I'm still researching universities I might want to attend when/if I go back for another degree.

—There's also a chance we may be moving sometime in the next year.

—And I'm putting some serious thought into how I wanna proceed with Bone & Ink Press. I want to keep it going, but it has long been untenable the way it's currently going. See, the thing is, I never wanted it to become what it became, a semi-legit publishing house with perfect-bound books and royalty payments and the like. I wanted to do small print run zines and chapbooks. So I'm going to finish up/publish the New Wave anthology, and then the three other titles I have on the roster, and then after that...I think I'm going back to its roots.

—The youngest kiddo had his first online class in astronaut science this morning. He loved it so much, and wants to continue with the rest of the course. Now I just gotta scrounge up some money to pay for the rest. (The first class was free; the rest cost money.)

—My dentist appointment went okay. It was fast and relatively painless. I have two small cavities, and have to go back in a month to get them filled, but they said everything else looks good.

—After the dentist, I had a bunch of errands to run. Normally I enjoy running errands but today I just wanted to get home and relax and also, everyone in town was driving like a jackass, so it took an extra long time to get from one stop to the next.

—But I did see two cuties while out and about. There was a hot middle-aged skater dude in the grocery store. (I know he was a skater because I saw him get out of his car, and it had Santa Cruz, Independent, and other skateboard-related stickers on it.) Downtown, I spotted a beautiful 20-something goth person; they looked appropriately eldritch in a long-black coat and big black boots.

—And while in the checkout at Walgreens, I saw this mom come in with two kids. One of the kids was a goth/punk teen; they shuffled into the store with their shoulders all hunched and a scowl on their face. Amazingly enough, the song that was playing over the sound system at the time was the Siouxsie and the Banshees cover of "Dear Prudence," and the teen recognized it, and for a split second, their scowl turned to a half-smile. And then they went back to scowling. It was perfect, because that is the era of my life which constitutes the bulk of my new zine.

—Speaking of the new zine: it's done, and I am glad it’s done, and I’m pretty pleased with it, but I am also fucking exhausted. To paraphrase something I wrote in my journal in 2009, after finishing a zine: I have completely overdosed on punk rock and stories from my own life. So now, I must cleanse myself with different kinds of music and different writing; namely, fiction and poetry. (Even when my poems are based on my real life experiences, which is often, writing them doesn't deplete me in the same way that writing prose memoir does.)

—I've felt pretty on top of my shit in general lately, but I am somehow flat broke again. Despite all the freelance gigs, side hustles, budgeting, etc. I mean I had to buy more printer ink and paper to complete this zine, so there's that. Then there's the fact that no matter how much we budget, our monthly food money always runs out 5-7 days before it gets refilled. Oh, and then there's the dentist thing. My health insurance covers some dental stuff, but not all, so I gotta pay the rest out of pocket. My dentist has a payment plan, but I had to make a down payment and have another bill due when I go back for my fillings. Shit. Anyway, if anyone wants to order some of my stuff/hire me for stuff, now would be a great time.

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[under-the-cherrytree]

HI IM BACK uh vampire tsukasa, amane with reader who's adhd and gets hurt alot 👨‍🦯

Vampire Tsukasa and Amane with a s/o who had adhd❣︎

Warnings: none

A/n: HELLO AND WELCOME BACK!!!

Sorry for the wait, I’m very close to having my inbox empty!!!

For a while I thought that I could have adhd since I am “always bouncing off the walls” and my teacher told me to go to a doctor about it- i don’t know

I also hope i captured what adhd was-

I do hope you enjoy and have a great day or night!!

- When Tsukasa first met you, he noted the fact you had energy

- He loved it since he also has a lot of energy

- He loves this about you! It’s so fun to play with someone who has lots of energy like him!!

- Normally people get tired of playing with him or annoyed, so this is great to him!

- But this energetic was different then his childish personality

- You had adhd and you also had the tendency of getting hurt a lot

- Not a good combo

- He will try and keep you out of harm's way!!

- Even though he does get distracted sometimes

- He tries his best!

- If he noticed that you are in a situation you are bound to get hurt, he will rescue you from the situation as soon as possible

- Situations as big as going into the dangerous parts of the woods or stubbing your toe

- If you do get hurt, he will bring the med kit!!

- Then he will try his best to bandage you up

- He did a terrible job but he tried

- Ether his brother, Sakura, or Natsuhiko will noticed the fact that you bandages are falling off and will bandage you properly if they have too

- Tsukasa will pout saying that he did a good job and they messed it up-

- Will try and get you things for you to fidget with if needed

- If you don’t like any of the things he has already brought you, he will gladly go into the village to find more stuff!!

- He will rest in your hands in his bat form and let you play with his wings if you wish!

- He will gladly do this for you<3

- When he saw how much energy you had, it reminded him of his brother

- Though, he found it cute

- You were always messing with something

- After a while, it hit him

- You had adhd

- He probably wouldn’t mention it but he might ask if his curiosity got the best of him

- He will keep a close eye on you to make sure you don’t leave the hotel

- You are a simple human and their are parts in the woods outside the hotel that are very dangerous

- He would do this if you didn’t have adhd, but he's checking on you more often now

- He doesn’t want you running off and getting hurt

- However, you find a way to get hurt even with his careful watch

- This will upset him slightly

- He is trying his best to take good care of your fragile body, how are you still getting cut and bruises?

- He considers humans like glass

- So a bruise will be a big deal to him and he will probably think you are dying

- He will bandage ever cut and bruise with such grace, you forget that he is a human eating vampire that slaughtered countless of villages due to his own bloodlust

- We all forget that sometimes, huh?

- He take extra special care of you, wanting you closely and always knowing where you are

- He is a bit overprotective but can you blame him?

- He will also give you countless of things to play with, you will find your favorite fidget thing

- When he goes out he will always bring a gift back and most of the time its something to fidget with for you adhd

- He brings home the best gifts though!<3

Tagging~ @cobertoravermelhado @hanako-san @old-poptart @sleepless-simp @bladethrowsshade @kaz6lvr @alicetordmikey

[firespirited]

Finally got to the Doctor, turns out she's been dealing with a family emergency all December (no she's not a trauma dumper, I'm the type who asks... and listens for 40 minutes because, well, clearly she hasn't been asked by many and needed to vent about bureaucracy and paperwork and difficult family members)

So that explains why she's been technically Not on holiday but also Not available.

Gonna do stool sample number three!!! *sarcastic confetti and noisemakers* with very careful wording and hope the lab don't mess up again along with a blood test for another potential GI tract hijacker.

If that falls through, we have to find out why malabsorbtion is happening with tubes that go down and up my tubes à moi. Probably 'up' given the severe daily pains in the lower intestines.

I'm terrified of intestinal cramping during a colonoscopy causing a tear in the guts and being one of the fatal 1% but have a plan to inform everyone and sharpie warnings on my arms if it ever comes to that exam. Yes, that's getting way ahead of ourselves: Adhd brain and medical trauma means I had 5-10 brain tabs open on next step risks and pitfalls within a second of her saying the word specialist.

I forgot to inform her that I've been eating leafy greens, iron supplements and cheap chicken bits to fight the anemia so if it's not as bad as expected it's because I'm horfing down whatever iron I can get ... my bp was below nine during the appointment, could barely stay on track.

Guess I'll shoot her an email after my blood test. Might need to confirm if she expected me to auto up my bp meds without asking permission (I've been living in, like, zombie mode because that hadn't occurred to me)

So she's back, we have another option to explore, she might medicate the symptoms of malabsorbtion if it looks ugly on the tests. Progress? I think? Hope at least.

Getting 'we didn't test for candida' on the second, now more clearly marked, candida test on the 26th of December was a massive blow as I'd stupidly staked so much hope on that test. 'We will neither confirm nor deny we did a candida test because we're being pedantic about precise precriptions' over the phone a few days later wasn't reassuring either. And my dr had been on call but not replying to phone or email since early dec which was concerning.

______________

For your edutainment: here's how to do a stool sample.

If the pot is nice and big like it could contain two glasses of orange juice, you're in luck you can probably go right in it. Most are smaller single OJ if not single yoghurt plastic pots.

So first, pee. Very important step, you may pee later but at least it's less mess. Get some cling film (saran wrap) and carry a cut sheet to the loo (rather than bringing a kitchen item into your toilet room) , drape it over the back 3/4 of your toilet under the seat so there's a little poo catcher nook and make sure its well attached on both sides.

Do your poo, stuff toilet paper between your cheeks, open the pot. Get up, turn around, use the poo pot to gather a sample, close pot with loo paper. Pull down cling film at an angle and wash cling film in flush water, place it in a doggie poop bag to go in the trash.

Wipe bottom, flush again.

Wash outside of stool pot carefully, wash your hands carefully. Put stool pot in an opaque marked bag in the fridge far from food, more towards closed sauces until someone with a car can drop it off. Copro Culture takes 3 days, if you have internet access to results you could have them then.

Very important to remember : unless you have a blessèd routine involving a morning coffee and precise timing. This could take several attempts and several cling film sheets. Do not get up too fast to grab that pot if you have POTS or feel in any way drained - I promise it can wait, nearly passing out face first over a toilet with a film poop ledge is not great. Still better than most people's uninformed attempt at collecting a normal sized poo in the undersized pot!

In the same way, pee samples are 'pass under the stream briefly' not sample the whole pee. Entire pee samples come with a bottle sized pot: ask for two, we hydrate better than previous generations.

[4n4q]

hi

i am finally back:) its been a while haha. im gonna (trauma?) dump a bit here so if you dont wanna read it then dont read it this is mostly for me.

tw - dr^gz, p1llz, 3at1ng d1s0rd3r, n3gl3ct

so i just logged back into this acc and the last time i posted was the day before i had to leave my dad bc of his relapse.

my dad was pretty much neglecting me and my brother and he was barely home, which was great for my ed but not really for anything else. i also wasnt going to school and over all i was in a pretty bad place. then he and his girlfriend took a bunch of drugs and it was just chaos. i had to take care of me, my dads girlfriends daughter and the dog while my dad and his gf were out doing god knows what and the house was a mess and the dog wouldnt stop barking bc she was scared. it was bad for a couple of months but it was like suuuuper bad the last three days. the night before me and his gfs daughter stayed up until like 4 am trying to get the dog to stop barking and my dad came home a couple times totally out of his mind on drugs and he did a bunch of weird things like putting food in the oven and the forgetting he did that and then saying he already made food and then naming the food he made like four days before that. when we finally got to go to sleep my dad and his gf still werent home and we had no idea where they were. the morning after i got woken up at 5 am by a call from my dads gf and she asked me to throw down the keys bc they didnt have any (my dad had already taken my keys and his own keys bc he had forgotten where he put them the night before) so i got out of bed to do so but then they called again and said they got let in. they went into our apatment and his gf was screaming and saying a bunch of stuff abt my dad being a junkie and she was saying that she didnt care if the kids woke up and that he stole her meds. then she told her daughter (who was now awake obvi) that they were going to leave and that she had to pack her things. she then proceeded to take all the pills in our house and dump them out on the floor in our apartment and in the hallway. she screamed a bunch more and then she left (i was in my room so im not sure) and so i called my mom and i didnt have any rides on my busscard and my card was conected to my dads account so he was the only one who could put money on it so i had to meet up with a family friend who lived nearby to be able to go to my moms. i started packing my clothes and then me and my brother left. we couldnt take my dads gfs daughter with us cuz she had a foster home where she lived and yea (her mom didnt have custody over her she was just visiting cuz her mom got like phsyco mad if she told her she didnt wanna see her anymore). after i got home i later got to know that my dad had driven his gfs daughter to the place she lived at (yes while he was still on drugs) and he had forgotten abt the dog but then my mom called and reminded him so he went home and like gave it food and stuff. then his gf got back and got mad at him for driving her child to her home so she made him drive her there and she beat up the mom who was taking care of her child. she then went to the police and told them she had been robbed. (the kid is living with her 20 smt sister now and her mom is not allowed to see her so yeah shes okay now)

i later also found out that one of them had switched my adhd meds for something else and they dont remmember anything so were not sure who or with what.

so yeah that was my trauma dump! im okay now so yea i just wanted to rant a bit ig? im not living w my dad anymore and my mom is really amazing:) but im back on my ana bullshit now! and the only downside abt living w my mom is that she actually cares lol

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

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The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[myster-tea]

IM BACK BITCHES

Not for a long time because using safari to get to tumblr on this crusty dusty phone sucks but hopefully i can get another soon-!

and life updates for anyone that cares:

on meds for anxiety, adhd, and iron deficiency

going to go to the ✨gender pathways clinic✨ This summer

living with friends rn and

I HAVE HEALTH CARE STUFF NOW

Its great :D

finally got proof of my uncle being the actual worst human alive soooo now I don’t have to hang out with him or even talk to him :)

(but sadly in turn lost my bow and arrow stuff- its a long story :,) )

doing good in school for once

and also doing physical AND actual like- mental therapy so wooo double therapy :D

[avo-kat]

2022 has been, surprisingly, the best year of my life so far. and I’m 31.

i had some very bad times, i struggled with depression and social phobia since i was a young teen, i’ve harmed myself in multitude ways and i came close to killing myself a few times.

im still here and im feeling the best and its only getting better.

theres a lot of asks on the internet along the nature of, what would you tell your younger self if you could?

and i found my answer. yeah, its cheesy, but: it gets better. it does. im the proof. ive been so very, incredibly, despairingly bad. i never believed i’d make it past 25. i literally could not imagine a future. especially not a future where i learned to live with myself AND love myself.

and i do. i absolutely love myself. i love who i am. with all my faults, with all my quirks, with all my annoying behaviors, with all my scars and all the bits and pieces society tells me i should hate about me. i love myself.

im not completely “cured”. i dont know if that is possible. i still struggle with things, there are still many things that scare me and that i dont dare to do. but it gets with each and every day. every day is a success, and every success makes the next step easier. i dont think ill ever stop having depression or social anxiety, but at this point in my life? my depression is at the lowest, ever. my standard day-to-day mood is neutral. its neutral. its not sad. its not depressed. its not despaired. its fucking neutral. i no longer dread getting up each and every day.

i wake up, get up and im looking forward to the day. im looking forward to do fun things, eat yummy stuff and just be alive and exist.

it gets better. but it takes work. the single most important thing for me was therapy. yeah. it helps. therapy helped me go from acutely suicidal to no longer wanting to kill myself. a huge, huge, huge fucking success. and therapy gave me tools for self-improvement.

it sounds silly, but those little tricks help. talk to yourself kindly, always. the biggest thing for me was to stop negative self-talk. it will still happen, but just let it go. ignore it, dont ponder on it, roll your eyes at those dumb things and think to yourself firmly “no, that is not true. im good. im kind. im nice. im funny. i deserve to live and to be happy. with all my faults and all my strengths.” it works, honestly.

(and yes, exercise and fresh air helps too, sorry! :D go stretch!!!)

anyway, back to 2022: WHAT A GREAT YEAR, WOW!

here my personal 2022 wrapped:

- put up wallpaper and painted my whole apartment, on my own, wow!

- got a cat, wow!

- got back together with my abusive ex but also broke up with him again and its almost 2023 and ive got not desire to get back to them, nice!

- went to a concert alone, amazing!

- went swimming by myself, such fun!

- bought a standing desk which i admittedly only used thrice for standing but is nice for adjusting height while sitting too!

- successfully made my favourite cake thats a bit difficult to do several times, so yummy!

- got diagnosed with ADHD and started taking meds (im off them currently again, i can deal okay-ish but i want to get back on)!

- found new music/artists that i love to listen to!

- celebrated my 2 year vegan anniversary and 2 years living by myself and doing a banging job about it! :)

- went on walks, managed to relax more and do more fulfilling things on the weekend instead of just mindlessly browsing, aw yeah!

- managed to drill holes into the walls to hang up my pinboard (has been waiting for 2 years), nice!

- discovered THREE whole new hobbies that i LOVE: needle felting, needle punch and embroidery! such stabbery! (hobbies, esp those you do with your hands are amazing for your self-esteem & mental health!)

(at least half of these can be attributed to being diagnosed with adhd and me finally knowing how to deal with the things im struggling with, hooray!)

happy 2022! happy holidays! happy slide into the next year folks!!!!

[blasphamoustraitors]

Ooooooo i can start buying occult books and not offend the hell out of my mother soon

[toastedkiwi]

Are You High?

Summary: Chris finally figures out that you have ADHD when you forget to take your meds.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warning: mentions of drugs, fluff, and randomness.

You’re usually so focused and hardworking. You’re very level headed and analytical. It truly inspires Chris in his own life. But it’s only because you’ve been popping pills since you were ten.

Your boyfriend of four months hasn’t had the chance to deal with the goofball with the mind running a million miles per second. Your parents, siblings, and friends would not recommend adding sugar to that mix. It’s pure distracted all the time chaos. Chris doesn’t know this.

You’re very bouncy and jittery. You can’t stop moving. You’re spinning your phone around on its pop socket and just staring at it and eating Chris’ jelly beans. You’re very much distracting the man across from you and getting on his nerves every time you adjust yourself in your seat and move his dining room chair.

“Y/n,” Chris said.

He calls out your name again. You’re completely spaced out stuck in your own world. Chris hasn’t seen this side of you. It concerns him. He immediately thinks your on something. He hopes to god it’s weed instead of cocaine or some other not so great drug.

“Y/n?” Chris said.

He gently kicks your foot and you looked at him.

“Why’d kick me?” You asked.

Before he can answer, your phone buzzes and you grabbed it. It’s Target telling you that your prescription is in.

“Yes!” You exclaimed standing up.

“Babe!” Chris called out.

“Yes?” You said.

“Where ya going? You got work to do,” Chris said.

“But I don’t wanna do it,” you whined.

“You don’t want to lose your job,” he said.

“So? I gotta go to Target. It’s more important,” you said. “Call it taking a break.”

“From what?” He asked standing up.

“Work,” you said.

“You did absolutely nothing, darling, but fidget and stare off into space,” Chris said and he stands in front of you placing his hands on your shoulders. “What’s wrong? What’s going on with you?”

You looked up at him confused and said, “nothing. Let’s go to Target.”

“Are you high?” He asked.

“On sugar,” you stated.

Chris just shakes his head. You’re like a child right now.

“I’m gonna go to Target before I forget,” you said.

“I’ll drive,” Chris said.

And he regrets his decision to drive you. You keep fucking with the radio and just getting impatient. You also start spitting out random facts and you just talk and talk and talk and talk. Even though, half of it barely makes sense because your brain is working faster than your mouth and there’s just no time for you to process what is going on inside.

Chris follows you into Target. You easily get distracted from your original mission and you’re like a puppy. It’s the only thing Chris can compare you to... other than maybe a crackhead.

“Why are we here?” Chris asked as you literally get distracted by shiny things on a dress.

“Oh! Right...,” you said and do a complete 180° turn.

You head to the pharmacy. Chris follows and he grabs your hand since he can’t lose you. He’s gotta keep you on the track or he might be in Target for awhile.

“Next,” is called.

You head up to the counter and already know the drill. You give the lady your name. Chris stands off to the side to give you your privacy even though you personally don’t care. You pay the copay and get your meds in a little baggie. You go to Chris.

“Done?” He asked.

“Can we get legos?” You asked.

“No,” he said.

You whined and let him take you away and back to his car.

“What even is that?” He asked.

“Methylphenidate,” you said.

“What is it for?” Chris asked.

“My ADHD,” you said.

You looked at his shocked face.

“What? You thought I was sane this whole time?” You asked.

“No, I thought you were high,” he said.

“Have you never dealt with me when I’m not on my meds?” You asked.

“No, never,” he said shaking his head. “You’re like a fucking crackhead at times.”

You hysterically laughed.

“I was genuinely thinking you were fucking on something. You literally cannot sit still, baby,” Chris said. “Jesus Christ.”

You continued to laugh and you leaned over the console. You press a kiss to his cheek.

“I thought you were pretty normal before,” he said.

“Still am, even if I act like a crackhead,” you said. “But then again, you brought the jellybeans. My mom won’t be happy with you.”

“Oh my god!” Chris exclaimed.

[rolandtowen]

Kiss It Better

Sokka builds a blanket fort. Zuko info-dumps about ADHD and chronic pain. Fluff ensues.

Read it under the cut!

"Sokka?"

A mess of brown hair and blue eyes peers out from underneath a carefully constructed cocoon of blankets. Zuko's standing in their bedroom doorway, holding Sokka's medication organizer.

"When was the last time you remember taking your meds?"

"Hmm... Thursday?" Comes Sokka's voice, muffled by the blankets.

Zuko flipped through the pill pockets. "No, looks like Tuesday."

"How bad is that? What day is today?"

Zuko sits on the edge of their bed, close enough to hold Sokka's hand but not close enough to disrupt his carefully crafted fort. "Well firstly, today is Sunday." Sokka groans and brings his free hand to his forehead. Zuko presses on, squeezing his other hand. "Secondly, taking your meds is morally neutral. Forgetting doesn't make you a bad person, it just means we need to find a routine that works better for you."

Sokka nods and Zuko can see the gears turning in his brain.

"Can I ask why you're in a blanket fort? Is it your knee?"

As a kid with ADHD, Sokka played a lot of sports: hockey, basketball, even tennis. But football is what did him in - in his senior year in high school, an unfortunate tackle tore his ACL, dislocated his left knee, and created hairline fractures in his calf bones. The Dancing Dragons won the game, but Sokka spent the rest of his senior year recovering. After almost five years, all it takes is one bad twist during a rush in the coffee shop and Sokka's down for the count.

"What gave it away?" Zuko looks up from their joined hands to see Sokka smiling at him, his bitterness at his body softened by Zuko's presence.

"Well, for one, the heating pad was mysteriously absent from our med drawer - and you're also in a blanket fort." Zuko squeezes Sokka's hand. "May I join you?"

"But of course, my love," Sokka pulls back the comforter, slapping the empty mattress beside him. "By all means, come on into Fort Chronic Pain."

Zuko laughs, settling next to his boyfriend and curling into him. "You're ridiculous."

"That's why you love me." Sokka starts combing his fingers through Zuko's long hair. "How were your classes today?"

Sokka knows that if he can get Zuko talking about school, he won't be so worried about Sokka's knee.

"Are you trying to get me to stop worrying about you? It won't work." Sokka sighs.

"Maybe, I think your med school classes are interesting."

Zuko, for all his worrying, had passed the MCAT, graduated summa cum laude, and was now studying for his M. D. at the prestigious Beifong Medical School. Sokka hadn't doubted him for a second. Zuko never gave up and never backed down. The man could grapple with the Sun and win unscathed.

"-oned?" Zuko's voice comes from below him.

"Huh?"

"I asked, 'are you zoned'?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I-"

Zuko waves him off. "What's the last thing you remember? I can start over."

"I remember asking you about classes, and you wrongfully accusing me of trying to distract you."

Zuko snorts. "My favorite class by far has been Mental Health and Physiology. I think it's highly admirable that med schools are starting to integrate mental and physical health, and not teaching them separately."

"What kind of things have you learned?"

"Like, people with anxiety may present with back pain that doesn't correlate to an injury; the excess stress can really do strange things to your muscles - and we should still holistically treat patients without just dismissing them and telling them to relax."

Sokka nods. "That makes a lot of sense, baby. You're so smart."

"Oh, shut up." Zuko can feel his cheeks warm at the compliment. "But, we also talked about ADHD and chronic pain, which I thought you might like to hear?"

"Of course, turtleduck. Amaze me." Sokka rests his hand on Zuko's hair, running his thumb across the curve of his head. "Info-dump away."

Zuko takes a deep breath in. "Okay, so, there are significant studies that show that people with ADHD experience chronic pain at a higher level than the average population - there are a few theories as to why this might be. Many people with ADHD experience hypertonia, or muscle overactivity. This can make it really difficult to fully relax tense muscles, and increases chance of injury. Additionally, low dopamine is considered to be one of the causes of ADHD, and dopamine regulates chronic pain signals. Most of the research has only been done in the last decade, so it's going to be really exciting to see what new treatments develop - previously, dopamine wasn't really known to be connected to pain regulation at all." Zuko turns to look up at Sokka. "You never know, there might be an effective treatment for your leg in the next decade."

Sokka wants to be hopeful, he does, but he's been trying to treat his chronic pain for five years, and he's had limited success. Going to a chiropractor helped a little, the physical therapist gave him some great exercises for strengthening the tendons supporting his knee, and cutting back on inflammatory foods lessened the pain level whenever he entered a flare - but he still got flares. A hike could knock him off his feet for weeks; a rainy day could be agonizing. He just wishes there was a simple solution - but as much as homeopathic Karens in the coffee shop try to convince him, there's no one-step solution. No, Janet, as good as your essential oil blend smells, it isn't going to take the place of physical therapy, preventative care, and lifestyle changes. Just like for his ADHD. It takes dedication to a process of self-care to make improvement in either arena.

And if the off-schedule pill organizer in Zuko's hands is any indication, dedication to a process can feel fucking impossible with ADHD. 

"Can I do anything to help?" Sokka looks down to see Zuko's amber eyes staring up at him, offering comfort no blanket fort could provide. 

"Can you..."

"Yeah?"

Sokka swallows. "Could you, maybe... kiss it better?"

Zuko's eyes practically sing his answer: "Of course I can."

Zuko gingerly moves the heating pad from its spot on Sokka's left knee. He tips his head down, pressing a featherlight kiss to Sokka's kneecap. He murmurs something under his breath. 

"Sorry, what was that?"

Zuko looks at him sheepishly. "I said, 'the patella'. 

Sokka can't hold back the laughter that bubbles out of his chest. "You're using me for anatomy study?"

"Seems like a fair trade. You get kisses and I get to study at the same time." Zuko drops another kiss to Sokka's knee. "Both the elbows and the knees are constructed with hinge joints." Zuko presses a firmer kiss to Sokka's thigh. "This is the femur, the thighbone - the longest and strongest bone in your body."

Sokka opens his mouth to make a joke, but Zuko beats him to it: "If you make a joke about your dick, I'm donating you to my cadaver class." Sokka's jaw snaps shut. 

Zuko drops another two kisses on either side of Sokka's calf. "Tibia and fibula," he whispers. "These are the ones you broke senior year."

"Only hairline fractures," Sokka corrects.

"Can you still feel it?"

Sokka shakes his head. "It's the ACL that still bothers me the most."

"Do you want some lidocaine?"

"Spirits, yes." 

Zuko rummages through their nightstand, pulling the blessed tub of Icy Hot out of the top drawer, and spreading a thin layer over Sokka's knee. He traces soft patterns into his knee as they wait for the lidocaine to kick in. 

"If you say 'patella' again, I'm going to smack you." Sokka eyes him from where he's leaning against the headboard. 

"Of course not," Zuko takes Sokka's right hand into his and presses a kiss to the back of it. "Metacarpals."

"You fucker-"

"Don't get riled up and undo all my hard work." Zuko massages the palm of Sokka's hand. "Is the leg better?"

"Much better."

"So we still have the original problem."

"The meds?"

Zuko nods. "So I know you've been trying to take them as soon as you wake up..."

"But?"

"I think you should task-stack it," Zuko says, running his thumb absent-mindedly over Sokka's knee. "You should pair with something you do everyday."

"Like what?"

"You make yourself a wicked pour-over every morning. What if you kept your meds by the kettle and then took them while you waited for the water to get hot?" 

Sokka face pauses, processing. "Huh."

"Would... would that work?"

Sokka smiles, beaming at him. "That's a brilliant idea, turtleduck." He opens his arms up, patting the space underneath him. "Come up here?"

"If you insist," Zuko quips. "Do you want me to make fried rice tonight? I can even bring it to you if you want."

"You're literally the light of my life."

Zuko laughs. "I'll take that to heart." He snuggles up under Sokka's chin. "Do you feel better?"

"So much better." Sokka pushes back Zuko's hair from his face and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. "Thanks to you."

"Frontal bone," Zuko murmurs. 

"Seriously?!"

Zuko cackles. 

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.