#almost 4am :))) I have to wake up at 9

[r-aindr0p]

Between the devil and the deep blue sea, Charybdis and Scylla. or as we say in french, choosing between plague and cholera. It got longer than planned so there will be one last and third part- I want to get to one particular point so bad but I couldn't rush it- (AND I FORGOT TO MAKE JAMILS HANDS WEBBED IN THE FIRST PART AHSHDJFDHSJ I am devastated, can't remember my own designs) Part 1

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Hmmm maybe I have issues in my life

[lesbianlenas]

having a great start to 2025 👍 got a migraine yesterday (wasn’t a terrible migraine bc it wasn’t so bad i had to throw up or anything but i DID sleep for 13 hrs after 😭) and then today i didn’t take my ritalin after also not taking it on tuesday & usually i’m fine when i do that but today it made me feel nauseous all day so i am 0/2 on feeling well in 2025 love that for me!

[concentrateandpush]

Request/idea fiction: an intimate scene of only the couple homebirth, where pushing is long? Thanks

We met around a year and a half ago and as a lesbian couple, nobody expected us to announce our pregnancy at our wedding which happened a year after we met. I guess we just both knew what we wanted and figured waiting would be pointless.

My wife is carrying, I’m desperate to carry too, but she’s slightly older and so, we compromised. What we didn’t compromise on was the delivery. Blair wanted a very intimate delivery, just her and I. I’ve given birth before, a long time ago, back when I was young and stupid but rest assured, my son went to a perfect home.

It’s 1am and we’ve just eaten our weight in pizza and spicy noodles, we’re watching TikTok in bed and Blair turns to me with a look of concern. “Lena, how much pain is too much pain for just a twinge?” she asks and I look back with curiosity. “I guess.. I mean-“ I stop and laugh “Baby, has it started?” I ask. “I think.. I think I’m having labour pains” she says nervously.

We didn’t want anything fancy, just the bath for water, the bed with a towel and the coziness of our cottage.

“Okay, you’re okay” I nod “let me get you a hot water bottle and I’ll get you comfortable” I smile reassuringly. “Don’t you dare leave me” she says stubbornly and I roll my eyes “come here” I whisper as she rests her head on my chest, whimpering quietly. “Shh, shh, shh” I whisper “you’re okay, everything is going smoothly” I add.

The contractions are dull and achy but I see the struggle she’s having, so at around 4am, I suggest us both sleeping, which at first, she absolutely refuses to try, but after a few back and foot rubbies, she agrees.

It’s not until 10.30am that I wake to her rubbing her belly in her sleep, moaning relatively loudly, but not even waking herself up. “Okay, okay sweetheart..” I nod and take over the rubbing as she opens her eyes slowly. “You’re doing great mamma” I smile reassuringly. “Mmm, baby” she moans “it hurts, it’s hurting me” she grumbles as she reaches down to touch herself. “I’m not wet, so my waters are still intact” she says almost trying to convince herself she’s got ages to go.

I sit up slowly and kiss her forehead before throwing my hair up and I climb between her legs, resting my head on her thigh. “You look sore” I sigh, looking at her tummy. She just nods before reaching for my hand “it’s coming” she whispers and I nod, stroking her thigh gently. She paces her breaths perfectly as she takes the contraction in her stride. “That’s right, in and out, slowly and gently” I nod. I can tell it’s intensifying because she’s moaning with out even realising on an out breath.

“Baby I need..” she mutters “I need to get in water” she says quickly and I nod reassuringly before heading out to run a bath. I know it won’t be long now, I can just feel her getting closer.

As the bath finishes filling, I go in and take both of her hands, steadying her before guiding her into the bathroom and lowering her into the bath. I take a cup and pour it on her bump, taking it all in because it’ll be the last time. “I want him out so badly, but I’ll miss this” she sighs and I laugh “you’ll miss the sickness? And the heartburn? And the fact I’ve not been able to touch your boobs for 9 months?!”. “Oh baby, you know what I mean” she laughs, knowing I’m teasing.

“Mmmm” she moans, going ridged “I..” she starts before humming a low pitched tone, cradling her perfect bump. “Let it out, good job” I whisper. “Ba-baby!” She screams as I see the water turn cloudy. “Was that-“ she starts and I nod “yep”. “So, my waters have gone?” She asks to clarify and I rub her leg, excitedly “mhm, baby’s coming”.

I find my hand between her legs and resting on her opening before sliding a finger in and grinning “sweetheart, you’re almost ready to push” I say, surprised. “N-no” she shakes her head but I chuckle “I’m here, I won’t leave your side” I say calmly. “You’re doing it, you’re bringing him into the world” I smile.

As she feels a contraction, I see her grip the handles of the bath ready to push and I rub her back gently. “You ready?” I ask and she nods before taking a deep breath and pushing her chin to her chest. She’s silent, completely silent, but focused and with every second that goes by, her face gets redder. I can tell she’s stopped pushing because she lets out an exhausted release of her breath. “Ngah.. I.. I can’t” she shakes her head and I reassure her “you can, you’re doing it”.

“N-no water” she shakes her head and I get up, slowly helping her out of the bath and back to the bedroom. Every step gets harder and as we get to the foot of the bed she stops “again” she mutters and I get down, letting her lean on my shoulders. Her legs shake as she gives a big, long push, letting her inhibitions go as she squeals at the end. “Good job baby, let’s get you comfortable” I say calmly as I lay her down.

“Okay, you’re doing well, we’re going to stay here and just work baby out together okay” I say softly as she opens her legs and I sit cross legged between them. “What if I can’t?” She asks and I give her a cheeky wink “if anyone can, it’s you”.

A few minutes go by and she looks up, her eyes begging for me to help as she grips the back of one leg. “Pull this back and push down for me” I say softly as I watch her begin to birth. She nods and grits her teeth as she bears down, her stomach tightening and her legs spreading further. “That’s it” I smile as the head slowly peaks, until she stops, spluttering and trying to get herself together.

I think it hits her here, because she starts to pant and breathe faster, trying to get rid of the pain. It doesn’t take long until she’s hard at work again, pulling both legs this time and scrunching her face up as she gets frustrated, pushing with all her might. “Why isn’t he coming?!” She cries out. “He’s coming, it’s just the staying that’s hard” I explain.

“Pillows” she says bluntly and I prop her up so that she’s almost sat with her legs opened up in front of her. She’s beautiful. She takes sips of water as she rubs her bump gently. “Ready to go again?” I ask and she nods, taking my hands and pulling as leverage. “Gaaah” she grunts before panting and going straight in again, trying everything she can to get the strength to push. “C-come out” she grunts through gritted teeth, pushing and pushing the hardest she can muster.

“Okay, we’ve got a bit of head” I smile “but I think we need to get some rope, you can pull on that” I say before getting a dressing gown tie and looping it around the headboard. “Here we go, pull, as hard as you need as you push” I say with a reassuring smile.

She holds on and waits until the next contraction before taking a deep breath and this time, letting it all out. It’s almost a growl more than a grunt, there are fluids pouring around the head as she edges our baby closer and closer, her lips going white with the stretching. “Keep that coming mamma” I coach. She takes a deep breath and screams as she pushes again, this time bringing herself to a full crown.

“Baby you’re doing it” I cry “you’re crowning” I mutter. She’s panting, wriggling in pain as she holds this giant head between her legs. “You see him?” She checks and I nod, bringing her hand down, letting her feel him as he enters the world.

She starts to get up and I know by her movements she’s getting on her hands and knees. “Easy” I remind her before she gets into position.

“Get ready” she mumbles into the pillow as I see her hand reaching up between her legs to keep contact with baby. The scream she lets into the pillow is so loud and I can feel the strength she’s pouring in but the head doesn’t budge. “Harder baby” I tell her and she cries “I can’t” she whispers. “Of course you can, try for me” I say with a little reassuring stroke of the leg.

She lets out a low, grunt that last forever and during that forever, the head pops out with what seems like litres of water. The panic and change in Blair’s breathing shows the effort she made and I just climb up to hold her into me. “You’ve done the hardest, baby, you’ve done the hardest bit” I say with excitement but equal amounts of compassion.

“Ready to meet him?” She asks me and I nod, watching her reach behind her legs and pull them back with a grunt like moan. “Work with mama” she mutters as she pushes. “Come on, puush baby” I whisper as I see movement. “Gaahhhh!” She cries out. “Baby, you.. you did it” I sob as I pick up our newborn, bringing him straight to her chest.

“You did it” I cry, just taking it all in as I nuzzle into them both. “I did.. but you’re doing it next time” she says with a laugh

[deathofpeaceofmiiind]

illicit affairs | twenty nine

*Ellie’s POV* The clock read 9:03 when I woke up, feeling a lot better than I expected. Normally after those many white claws my head feels like it’s going to split open. I rolled over in bed to feel Noah’s side was cold, I swear he couldn’t sleep in past seven no matter how late he went to bed. I laid there, remembering last night, and how I finally spoke to Matt for the first time in months. It felt relieving to know that we were fine, but I knew things wouldn’t be the same just yet, it would take some time.

“Ellie!” “Morning, boys.” I yawned as I made my way through the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Matt caught my attention as I turned to grab the oat milk from the fridge. He walked over to me and poured himself another cup, sending me a half sympathetic smile, completely unaware of what happened after Noah caught us. “Hey is -“

“Not here.” I cut in, “I’m gonna go outside if you want to talk.” “I’ll be right out.” He whispered before I left the room.

I weaved my way through all the guys as I headed out into the backyard. Folio was curled up on one of the pool loungers, using his hoodie as a blanket. I thought about going over to wake him up, but he looked pretty comfortable. I don’t even want to know what he got up to after I went to sleep. 

“How’d you sleep?” I asked Matt as he sat down beside me at the patio table. His eyes looked a little bloodshot, telling me everything I needed to know. “Not that great.” He muttered, not taking his eyes off his coffee cup. “I was up most of the night worrying about what was going on with you and Noah. I didn’t want to text you incase I made things worse.” I took a long swig of my coffee as I mulled over last nights events, “he panicked over us being alone last night…I guess some of the guys put it in his head that we were unfinished business.”

“Well are we?”

I rolled my eyes, he hasn’t changed at all, “Matthew …”

“I’m just kidding.” He assured me, “Noah is his own worst enemy, especially when he’s overthinking. I’m sorry if I caused a fight between you two, it wasn't my intention.” “It’s okay. I cleared the air with him and he’s over it.” His eyes narrowed as he locked them with mine, “do you think he is?” “For the most part.” I replied with a little uncertainty. “It’s just a touchy subject with him, and I think it will be for a while.” “Guys, breakfast is ready!” Jesse yelled from inside. Matt brushed my arm with his hand as he got up, the contact made my heart skip. I chose to ignore it as I walked in behind him, but I couldn't get my heart rate down.

“Where have you been?” Noah asked as I sat down beside him. “Just outside.” 

He didn’t seem convinced, I could tell by how he looked over at me, then over to Matt and back to me. Folio came in staggering from outside and sat down beside Matt, not looking at any of us. Jolly threw a strawberry at him, causing him to give Jolly the finger. I tried to hold back my laughter because I’ve been in worse shape than Folio was right now. 

Jesse and Davis made us pancakes, eggs, bacon and everyone dived in. I could get used to people cooking me food like this every day. Best part was that they never asked for anything in return and wouldn’t even let me clean up when I offered. The boys talked about how they stayed up until 4am playing cards and drinking, making me laugh at what I missed. Matt was sitting across from me and we kept stealing glances at each other, I tried to fight the flutters in my stomach but it was hard. I chalked it up to me not seeing him in a while, but I was probably gaslighting myself into believing that. 

“Fuck.” 

We all looked at Steven who sat down, almost distraught. 

“What’s up dude?”

“I just got off the phone with Josh and Fit for a King��s opener had to drop out so Thousand below just got offered it.” He paused, looking at our confused faces, “it means he has to miss the last half of our tour.”

Matt brought his hand to his face, rubbing it in frustration. I knew Josh has been a huge help for the band on the road, so this was bad news, “I could make some calls to find someone but we go on the road so soon.” “I can come help with the gear and tech part of the tour, but I know nothing about helping out with merch.” Caleb offered, I honestly forgot he was here. “That’s a start.” Matt said, “we just need help with merch and vip then.”

Jolly leaned over the table, looking in my direction, “El, what about you?”

“What about me?”

Noah placed his hand over mine, making me turn my attention to him, “we did talk about you working with the merch team anyways, so why not start now?”

“I mean…” I stopped. Mostly because I was stunned Noah put me on the spot like that but I also wasn’t expecting to start working with the band until the new year. 

“It would be like 7 shows El, the last leg of the tour is lighter than the first.” Nick said, showing some signs of life. “Having you on the road with us would be really cool too.”

“I don’t know.” I didn’t want to let them down, but my head was spinning with all the possible outcomes of this. 

“If it helps, you could bring Liam you. We can fly you guys to each stop and put you up in hotels instead of being on the bus.” Matt spoke up, causing Noah to glare at him, "that’s if you decide to come.”

“That would .. actually work.” I chewed on my lip, mulling it over. “Who’s gonna watch him while I’m working?”

“We all can, Ellie.” Davis added, “I usually just go to hang out so I can watch him, then we can watch the shows from Matt’s booth or you can just go back to the hotel.”

“I’ll think about it, I have to talk to Liam and Tyler first to make sure it’s okay.” I scanned the room, seeing everyone’s eyes on me left me feeling uneasy. “Just let me have a couple hours.”

Matt nodded at me, “this would be a huge help but take all the time you need.” 

Being on the road with Noah would be really fun but I don’t want to ruin my son’s routine either. I also had to come to terms that Noah and I being together meant life was about to look a lot different than before. This wouldn't be the first and only time I'd be on the road with him.

“We’re really doing this huh?” Noah whispered in my ear. 

“We very well could be.” I sighed before I narrowed my eyes at him, “please don’t put me on the spot again like that ever again.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t -“ 

“It’s fine.”  I snapped, “I need to go phone Tyler.”

Anger started to take over me as I went up towards my bedroom to get my phone. I don’t mind helping the band out, but Noah should’ve known better, he knows I can’t say no to helping people. It’s literally what I do for a living. I grabbed my phone, sitting at the edge of the bed as I waited for Tyler to answer his phone.

“Hey Ellie, everything okay?” “Umm, yeah…. I just had a question for you.” I answered, nervously twirling my hair between my fingers. “Something came up with Noah’s tour and they asked me to come help with the merch booth. I haven’t said yes because I know this would interfere with our schedule with Liam. So what I’m asking is, are you okay with me taking Liam? I know the environment might not be the best but everyone here loves him and promises to keep him safe.”

“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about him being exposed to that environment. However, with Noah being in your life, this is something he’ll get exposed to eventually.” “I’m sorry it’s happening so soon. If this doesn’t work out, we’ll be back on the next flight home.” “I trust you Ellie, and I know you wouldn’t put Liam in an uncomfortable situation. Do you want to talk to him to see if he wants to go?” I smirked, “of course.” “Mama?” Liams small voice came over the phone, making my heart melt. “Hi baby, mama has a question for you. Do you wanna go on a plane with me to watch Noah sing?”

“Nick going?”

“Yes.” I chuckled, forgetting how much he really liked Folio.

“I wanna go.”

“In a couple weeks, ok? I love you.”

He hung up the phone, not giving me a chance to talk to Tyler again but it was okay. I took a deep breath before going back downstairs, nervously biting my lip as everyone stared at me waiting for an answer. For some reason, my eyes fixated on Matt, feeling my anxiety disappear as he sent me a reassuring look.

“So?”

“He said he’ll go as long as Folio will be there…so we’re in.”

“And for once Folio’s immaturity saves the day.” Jesse commented as the table erupted in laughter. 

I just shook my head, leaning against the wall. Two weeks on the road with these guys was going to be equal parts terrifying and interesting.

[angesaurus]

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP NORMALLY.

I cannot remember the last time I did not wake up between 1-4am.

No matter what time I fall asleep I still wake up. Dan said I go to sleep too early (between 9-10) but last night I didn’t fall asleep until almost 11 and here I am wide awake. It’s so frustrating I feel like I can feel myself getting more and more tired and exhausted and burnt out because I can’t seem to sleep. Even if I use something to help me I still wake up. Even with my mouth guard!!!!!! It’s so frustrating. And it means I’m just going to be more and more tired because I have work today.

[smallraindrops-blog]

Oough all this talk of Hades 2 has me imagining Y/n interacting with young Melinoë and Hypnos.

(Longgg drabble warning Melinoë is roughly 8-9)

Every time he comes back from a mission, and after his reports, he goes straight to Hypnos. No greetings or salutes to the others as he only has one thing one his mind... Well, technically, two, if the young Princess insists on watching over Hypnos while he's gone.

The young Princess had seen you fret over Hypnos body, change his poppies when they got to dull, read to him, and even braid his hair! The Princess wanted to show that she could help, too, to make sure you knew he would be safe when you left. From there, she would come up with bundles of poppies and books to ask if she could watch over Hypnos, too. You wanted to turn her away, tell her it's alright, but the look her eyes, the determination and need to be useful struck you. So you had said yes and taught her how to care for your little corner of the Crossroads.

Going to Hypnos and your corner of the crossroads (mostly hypnos, your bedroll hasn't been used in quite some time. Hypnos would be scolding you about that. You wish he was at this point... You miss his voice), you notice the young Princess. Usually, when returning, she's braiding his hair, rearranging his poppies, or talking to the shades that carry his hammock. (They seem to worship you and Hypnos, guardians, they whispered. You cared not how they felt about you, as long they didn't drop Hypnos, you're fine with them.)

This time was something new, something that left your heart aching.

The young Princess was sleeping atop hypnos chest, his arms wrapped around her. For a moment, you wondered if anyone saw this, if they tried to scold Melinoë. You hope not. The young Princess finally looks comfortable. Most of the time, when she sleeps, she has nightmares and would seek comfort from Hecate. Lately, she has been coming to you after learning you to have suffered from nightmares. (Unlike you, however, she still needs to rest, so you try your best to comfort her and tell her what Hypnos would tell you after a nightmare he couldn't keep away.)

The shades seemed content to hold Sleep incarnate and the Princess of the Underworld as they slept. They almost seemed to be expecting you to join them in rest. A foolish idea (if you slept, would you see him? Would he visit you in your dreams? Would you be able to hold him and he hold you back? Would he forgive you for not taking care of yourself?) You doubt the tiny shades could hold all three of you.

As you watch over the two, Melinoë begins to stir, and as her eyes fluttered open, you slowly approached. The young Princess still dazed and confused from waking up, doesn't put up a fight as you pick her up. She simply sighs and nuzzles her head on your shoulder as she falls back asleep. Hypnos barely twitchs, simply a few mumbled words and soft snores.

As you walk the young Princess back to her bedroll, you ignore the looks from those inhibiting the Crossroads. It's not every day they see the son of Achilles and Patroclus, the shade who once took down Ares, care for someone that isn't Hypnos.

Hecate doesn't say anything when you return from tucking in Melinoë, simply watching you go to Hypnos and scowl at the shades talking loudly about what they just saw.

Reaching him, you replace the old and damaged poppies with new ones, readjust Hypnos' laying form, and wait for Hecate or Odysseus to request your help.

You also wait for Melinoë, who you're sure will be embarrassed when she wakes up. You'll simply pat her head and tell her it's alright. Thank you for keeping Hypnos company, I'm sure he enjoyed having someone to nap with.

(Cough cough,I wrote this at 4 am, so apologies for any spelling errors. Hope you enjoy it, and I can't wait for the next chapter of WMFTD!)

*feral screams*

Anon this is so lovely! I am going to ramble so more under the read more. Also you did great for 4am writing! Don’t worry about misspelling or errors. I make so many during normal waking hours so you are totally fine! :)

Thank you the food my friend!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

little Melinoë!!!! I can just see her determined little face staring up at Y/N, daring you to tell her no. Little baby omg.

I am just imaging y/n keeping a watchful eye on her as she tries to carry an armful of poppies she found, dropping some as she hurried over to Hypnos with y/n picking up the fallen ones to carry for her.

Also Odysseus had totally teased you about going soft. You might or might have punch him in the arm. Hard.

not that it stopped him much. That shade still seem enjoying pushing his luck.

Also I like to think Melinoë would read outloud to both Hypnos and Y/N and sometimes Y/N would have help Melinoë sound out a new word.

And the two shades being worshippers are a wonderful idea! It works too, since many greek heroes have their own hero cult (y/n included, lol i had a fic idea of him having to deal his own set of worshippers bugging him.)

also imagine they almost did drop Hypnos once. The glare you gave them could had set fire to water. It never happened again.

also if they are worshippers, are they warriors themselves, hoping learn more of your strength or Hypnos’ gentleness? Or more like priests/priestess, devotion to the maintaining the mythology and care to the divine? 🤔

Awww, poor Melinoë, she already has so much to deal with she shouldn’t have to deal nightmares 😭

but I like the idea of y/n sharing a moment of vulnerability with her, letting her know everyone has nightmares. Even Odysseus, even Hecate.

Maybe after that conversation, you would look toward Hypnos and hoped that you handled it right. You thought you saw a faint smile but you couldn’t be sure.

gods you missed him so much. You would settle for even a single teasing joke at this point.

i bet you did try to sleep once in hopes of finding Hypnos but wherever he was, it was beyond your reach.

You just hope it was peaceful. Until you would keep watch, his faithful guardian.

And anon, the picture you painted of y/n coming back to see Melinoë cuddled up in Hypnos’ arms broke my heart. Like the gentle light, the softness of their peaceful expression.

And you could tell Melinoë needed it.

It actually broke your heart because you knew it should had been her parents or Zagreus holding her.

Damn Cronus. Damn him.

You were so gentle with you picked her up, not used to children or small they feel in your arms.

You and Hecate rarely speak, but you knew her well know to see the wry amusement in her eyes

A week later you find her there again. But you let her rest for a little bit longer. Hypnos seemed a little happier.

Aaa aaaaaah aaaaaa. Omg this is so good. Thank you sending me this. I am gonna be thinking about this alllllll day.

[grimmweepers]

Ryuuuuuuuu ᡣ𐭩

Here are some of my selfship songs

rains in heaven by NCT dream reminds me of izumira

can’t slow down by almost monday and addicted to you by shakira remind me of amiffy (amira x luffy)

and baby I love you by pentagon reminds me of shomira!!

I hope you have a safe trip tomorrow!! 9 hrs is so long omg but I hope it goes by quickly!!

AMIRA GIRL BRINGING IN THE KPOP YAYYYY 💖

i love those tracks and i love them for your ships 🥺

although i adore that the songs for amiffy sound so adventurous and wild. idk how but shakira is so fitting for you two. it must be the cheeky energy 🤭

it is long but we’ll prevail !!!! i think waking up at 4am for all of this will be hardest part 😭

tell me a selfship song and i’ll add it to my playlist

[la-principessa-nuova]

I’m definitely on a sort of downward spiral of distractibility and sleep schedule.

My official plan is to sleep 12am-8am and work 9am-5pm.

I was doing so well last year, typically falling asleep somewhere between 11 and 1, and waking up naturally somewhere between 7 and 8.

Then in early December, I had the moment where I understood my gender dysphoria and that I needed to transition, and that night I stayed up until 4 am reading about gender dysphoria and then until 5 am taking notes about it and buying stuff to try out presenting femme.

I never fully recovered from that night.

Eventually, around the time I started therapy, I mostly solved the issue (not because the therapy helped me with it, but more like being in a better place helped me get through finding a therapist finally). I was going to bed like 1-3 am, waking up 8:30-9 on weekdays, 8:30-11 on weekends.

Then I came out to my mom and sister, and there were a few nights after that where they unexpectedly came over with a barrage of questions and “concerns” and every time I’d planned on doing something else and so when they left I just continued on as if they hadn’t been there and stayed up late.

But then I got in the habit again of staying up until after 3am, with most nights not being in bed until 4am and so many nights that i’m up past 5am.

so then i sleep through my 8am alarm and usually wake up to my 9am one, check my email and teams on my phone, and if there’s nothing important, i go back to sleep.

So like right now it’s 12:15pm, and I haven’t gotten out bed to start working yet, aside from a few emails I read and archived in bed. Luckily the nature of my job doesn’t require me to do it on a schedule, aside from if i have meetings or someone asks me something, so I’ve been able to work around it mostly, except the part where I’m soooi tired all the time bc even with sleeping in, i’m only getting like 4-6 hours per night.

And I have an interview today for a job that would require me to get out of bed every morning and be on a call at 9 AM, and I kind of can’t imagine that even though I did it for years with no problem.

But I just keep getting so distracted. Like last night I went upstairs at like 11ish PM. I went up because I had an idea for a comic that I wanted to make, that I’d gotten distracted when I tried to make it earlier, and I sat down thinking I’ll do a quick doodle of it to get the idea out, maybe finish it, and be in bed by 1 AM. Then I got more distracted and ended up not staring drawing until almost 1 AM.

But it’s OK, I told myself, I’ll just doodle the concept really quickly and go to bed. Then I got hyper-focused on drawing, and suddenly it was, no joke, after 5 AM.

When I saw how late it was, I immediately went to bed. But by the time I fell asleep it was after 5:30.

But, like, the less I sleep the easier I get distracted and hyperfocus on the wrong things, and the more I do that, the less I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have some ideas to try to get myself back on track, but PDA makes it a real struggle to stick to plans that are ultimately about getting me to stop doing what I want and yield my time, since as soon as I go to sleep, my time is over and the next thing I have to do is work again.

[roylustang]

Okay here’s a fun summary of my weekend in which I did not sleep

Saturday 3am: wake up

4am: drive to race venue

5am: Evan starts the race, I go back to my car and sleep for 3 more hours. I never really fell fully asleep but it did feel very rejuvenating so I’m fine with it.

8:30am - 8:30pm: Evan’s sister and I crew Evan for the first 50 miles of the race and watch the other races unfold. Lin Chen, who I first heard about in a podcast hardly a week ago wins the 100k race outright. She’s gonna get top 10 in western states later this month EASY—this was a training run for her. Actually first and second place in the 100k overall were women which is awesome. I eat spaghetti with my hands. Among many other things. A gopher pokes his head out of his little gopher hole for a little bit, he’s cute. An hour later a 3+ foot long gopher snake slithers through our tent, which Evan’s sister is terrified of. Someone saw a bear on course. Actually the guy who saw the bear was talking about it to someone on the phone while I was eating rice by my car. I get my shit together to pace Evan.

8:30pm: The sun has set but there’s still a little bit of light out and I set out to run with Evan for the next 38.5 miles (~62 kilometers). I’m fucking pumped. We have both severely underestimated the course.

9:30pm: we set up Pig Farm Hill, which is very steep and decorated with little plastic pigs (like rubber ducks). I’m still pumped and I feel prepared bc I just ran 34,000ft/10,000m+ of elevation last month.

11pm: we go up the second steep, long climb of the course. I will later conclude climbing is much easier at night simply for the fact you cannot see how much farther you have left to go. There’s also funny signs that say shit like “you’re not there yet! :(“ and “John 3:16” which is apparently a meme making fun of Christian white girls. There’s also direct action propaganda that says “Make [name of race] a Western States qualifier” bc the race director for western states is running the race.

Sunday 12am: Evan and I are on a road section of the course. It’s pitch black outside, obviously, no moon, but we have headlamps. I look up into the cliff face and see something very reflective. I pray it is a course marker up a switchback but I know in my heart it is not. It’s a pair of eyes watching us. Evan turns his headlamp up brighter and it is in fact a juvenile mountain lion. We attempt to be loud but it seems unfazed. We back away slowly watching it the entire time until it is out of sight, checking back into the void behind us occasionally just in case.

1am: I am plagued by the reflective eyes of creatures in the forest for the remainder of the night. The second pair of eyes we see I immediately think “jackal”, and I’ll find out later Evan also thinks this even though that doesn’t make sense because we’re in California. Upon further research later we conclude it is a bobcat. There is also a deer, very close. All of these creatures are watching us as we pass through like they think we can’t see them. But all we can see are their eyes and it’s fucking terrifying. Also if I didn’t know bullfrogs sounded like that I’d be sprinting. And we hear a gunshot somewhere in the distance (some coyotes attacked some dogs somewhere, we’ll find out later)

1:30am: we’re almost done with the 13.5 mile loop, and I eat absolute shit on some rocks. Both my knees are bruised, one is skinned to shit (I was wearing a compression sleeve on the other) as is one of my hands, but I’m bleeding in three places. Also, because I tripped on a slight downhill, the force of my fall flipped me onto my side, almost my back, so I also have bruises and scrapes on my arm and shoulder which I won’t realize for another 12 hours. I’m kind of amazed I didn’t scrape my face on the ground. All of this stings like a motherfucker but I get up quick and we run back to tent city. Also I am spared some bc the part of my knee I scraped did not cross over the part of the knee I scraped when I ate shit the week previous. All of this still stings even now on Monday bc scabs are trying to form on very bendable parts of my body.

2am: we set out on the 11.5 mile loop. We’re trying to finish the first (for me) 25 miles before the sun rises so we don’t have to climb up Pig Farm Hill again in the heat of the day. I change into a long sleeve sun shirt bc it’s getting cold and it might protect my hands if I fall again.

2am-3am: we do the Creek Crossings. All of them are complete shit. Some of them are more the ponds, but the only thing there is to cross them are thin wooden boards that aren’t attached to anything. It’s pretty pointless. Our feet are soaked and covered in mud. This section of the course is otherwise much flatter but this fucking sucks so I’m not doing this one again. I’d much rather climb another like 3,000 feet than deal with this shit. Otherwise this section is rather uneventful. Evan and I are both pretty tired though so we’re not really talking anymore.

5:30am: we make it back to tent city just as daylight breaks. We completed our first goal. Evan takes some time at tent city. I’m very slowly eating a palm-sized, 300 calorie PB&J some aid station volunteers gave us, but I know my guts are turning. Also my calf feels really weird. I eat about half of it and stick the other half completely unwrapped in my pack. Fuck it.

I should also mention the entire time Evan and I are peeing like crazy. Like every other mile. We always pee together to conserve time. At some point I feel like all the water I’m drinking is only being used to make me pee.

5:45am: we leave to do the 13.5 mile loop again for the last time. I poop like 5 times. I can’t really eat anything anymore (without pooping) but we’re also not really running anymore either, so I’m not worried bc I’m good at fat oxidization. I say I’m not going to eat anymore but I do anyway bc the allure of capri suns and sour candy at the aid stations compel me. Those things surprisingly don’t make me poop.

7am: we make it to the top of Pig Farm Hill again. Evan sits down to take off his shirt bc it’s starting to get warm. As he does so, a group of trail runners/hikers and their husky come up the trail. I’m so ecstatic I don’t ask to pet their dog and just do it because I need the morale boost. Evan gets his shirt on and is immediately licked all over his face. This is great.

8am: I am starting to fall behind as a pacer bc Evan is a fucking beast on the climbs and at this point I have only gone this far one other time in my life. My quads are trashed. I’m also going slightly insane with sleep deprivation bc I haven’t slept in at least 24 hours. I am talking half to Evan half to myself about just really stupid shit i don’t even really remember.

8:30am: we’re back on the switchback climb which sucks now because I can see it. Evan takes a break and I pick a 3 foot tall dandelion and hold it over my head like a balloon for morale. I do that for like a mile before the stem flops over and then I put it in my pack instead. The seeds are slowly being blown away as we go and I’m emotionally attached to it now in my sleep deprivation. It seems sad but I convince myself it’s a good thing bc this dandelions seeds are literally being spread over miles. It’s arguably the most successful dandelion that’s ever existed.

10am: I squat down to pee at mile 37 and pull a muscle in my quad when I stand back up bc they’re so thrashed. Men have it so easy. Regardless, we make it back to tent city with no problem on my end and now Evan is surely going to finish, he just has to do the 11.5 mile loop one more time. And I’m done pacing.

After that, I get some ice for my quad and take an ibuprofen and try not to move. My leg didn’t really hurt the last mile back but now it really hurts to bend or straighten it completely and even the slightest downhill is a pain. Miraculously it feels completely fine today, but it is tender to the touch and I can’t stretch it. I immediately become less insane upon sitting down for like 20 minutes. Evan’s sister loves the fact that one of our tent neighbors DNF’ed. He signed up for the hundred miler despite having only ever run a half marathon because his girlfriend does them and “if she can do it then so can he”. He drops at mile 30. She wins the race. We’re all cackling.

3:30pm: Evan finishes the race and we fuck around (re: rest) for little bit before packing up the tent and shit. I’m driven back to my car which is only like 1/3rd of a mile away bc ouch.

5pm: we go to dinner bc we obviously need food. I’ve burned 6,000 calories. I ran with Evan for 14 hours. That’s the longest I’ve ever run time-wise. All of these stats indicate to my body that I’ve just completed a 100 kilometer effort despite only going 62 kilometers (with 6,300 feet of elevation). And also it feels like it, though my legs don’t hurt as much as the first time I ran 100km (#experience).

7:30pm: we drop Evans sister off at the airport. I am having an out of body experience in the passenger seat and fall asleep for 10 minutes. The sun is setting again and I’m losing my mind.

9:30pm: we get back to the motel and blessedly pass the fuck out for the next 12 hours, tired, sore, and beaten, but victorious for the first time in almost a year. Trauma has finally been resolved. Hallelujah.

[aestheticvoyage2024]

Day 101: Wednesday April 10, 2024 - "This was 33 Months"

The 33rd month was a blur - the pace of play is picking up as fast as his vocabulary. Always on the run, squealing, smiling, rascaling it up. He's asserting his independence this month and lets you know his opinion is showing he's got all of his alotted Actingham bullheadedness that he was destined for. And its entertaining. Watching boss baby govern the Finca, his little universe. We shared most all this month with my parents who got to check in on him and his growth on more time before the heat of summer. And somewhere in this month we all to seem to notice a little change. Suddenly here in the 33rd month, we had more of a little boy, a 3 year old, than we did the little toddling two year old. His school sees it too - ready to move him up. Sharp as can be, easily excited, in love with his life - so long as it involves Beyonce more than it does sunscreen. This month he sure loved getting up in the morning and "going to see grandma" and god bless here that she was there for it, most every day - I loved it almost as much as he did. Then in the evenings when it was time to wrap it up, he just loved sitting in Papas lap and reading Mighty Tug, Magical Yet, My Truck Is Stuck, Lets Build A Highway. And I was so happy they were here and creating these memories and these happy lovely times. So healthy for him and his little brain. So blessed to have such loving parents and a loving home for our boo-boo to find his own in. I assume each month from here for awhile will be a lot like this one - with noticeable sizable shifts as he comes into his body and his voice and his emotions. And I want to be there for it. - every day, with the same alacrity that my Mom greets him first thing the morning. I want to be there for it to enjoy it and see it, as he grows and stretches, and learns, and wires up...Stay present and fertile for the changes. This is the good stuff - like when he wakes you up at 4am because the muffins must be cooled down now, or when you wake up with a monster truck under your hip in bed, or a foot in your butt crack, or even when we have to tag team putting on the pajamas, this is the good stuff. This is what I am here for. Every day.

Now the whining............... I dont know - not there yet. Maybe Month 34 will teach me that hack.

Favorite Food: Papa's Banana Bread Muffins- even willing to sleep on the kitchen floor until they cool down!

Favorite Song: "Do you want to build a snowman"

Favorite Book: Mighty Tug - BEEEP BEEEEEEEEP! a re-obsession with "My Truck Is Stuck"

Favorite Show: Trash Truck on Netflix, Buster the Bus

Favorite Toy(s): Monster Trucks from Easter Bunny

Best Phrase/ Word: "I want to watcha william show"

Favorite Favorite: Reading books with Papa, Mornings with Grandma

Least Favorite: Dry Red Cheeks

Big First:  Gave a really great gift to a friend (Otis), and finished in the top 650 in the women's bracket challenge on ESPN.

Song: Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Quote: “Toddlers will attach themselves to energies that feel comfortable to them. Because energies don't lie.” ― Mitta Xinindlu

This was 32 months This was 31 months This was 30 months This was 29 months This was 28 months This was 27 Months This was 26 months This was 25 months This was 24 Months This was 23 Months This was 22 Months This was 21 Months This was 20 Months This was 19 months This was 18 months This was 17 months This was 16 months This was 15 months This was 14 months This was 13 months This is 12 Months This is 11 months This was 10 months This was 9 months This was 8 months This was 7 months This was 6 months This was 5 months

[babykentthegent]

Three Months Young

Kent is now entering his third month of life and oh how he has grown! The older he gets the more his personality develops. He is becoming the most loveable, sweet, and funny little human. I've never known a baby that smiles so much and that all-gums smile makes you feel like you're the only person in the world. His height is in the 70th percentile and his weight is a bit below average. It's hard to believe given how much this kid eats. It seems we have a tall, yet skinny little man, or at least for the time being.

Our little cowboy has incredible leg strength and can stand assisted for an extremely long time. He has exceptionally long fingers and is at the stage where he just wants to grasp everything in sight. He even tries to hold his bottle himself but isn't quite coordinated enough to do it on his own. He's also talking much more with his favorite sound being "goo". His hair is growing like a weed and looks to be dark brown at the moment. His eyes, though still changing, are currently looking like a pretty green. He's just the most handsome little guy, says his biased parents, haha!

Beep, beep! Kent loves his new car bouncer and it's marveling to watch his brain figure out that by pushing buttons he's rewarded with fun sounds. Just as his track record has shown, he is still all smiles and seldom cries. When he needs something he gives us this warning moan, but it's so rare to hear him actually cry. And when he does cry, usually because he's cold or startled by something, he quickly halts once we are there to soothe him. We are still waiting for the shoe to drop, but it hasn't happened yet.

He's also still sleeping through the night, usually 7-9 hours. Occasionally he wakes up at 3am or 4am, but it's typically when he didn't eat enough before bed. He goes to bed at 8pm every night and it's currently the most effortless process. We've heard horror stories of parents having to spend upwards of an hour trying to put their little one to sleep. At around 7:45pm or so, we read to him, wrap him up, place him in his SNOO bassinet and he is literally asleep within minutes. I don't know why the universe blessed us with this, but there are no complaints here.

In early August we held a Sip & See party for loved ones to come and meet him. It was cowboy themed, which we dubbed appropriate for our little Texan. We couldn't get over how much people adored him! There were literally people fighting over who got to hold him which just melted our hearts. He did so great! He cried once in the beginning to let us know he was hungry, but apart from that he was as happy as could be. It didn't matter how many "strangers" held him. He was chill as a cucumber.

Kent also got to experience a lot of firsts this past month. We went on our first restaurant outing, which (surprise, surprise) he did great. We took him out for his first hike in Shelton View Forest. He also got to meet lots of new people, like his new friend Mina. Rob and I even went out to dinner for our 9th wedding anniversary and left Kent with grandma and grandpa. We were nervous, but he did beautifully. We're feeling much more comfortable caring for him which gives us the confidence to try more things. We visited a beach to let him feel sand in his toes for the first time - he was not impressed, haha! He never ceases to impress us with how much he can handle while he just happily goes along with whatever adventure mama or dada take him on.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't share daddy's song that he sings to Kent regularly. It goes as follows: "Hey there Kenty Boo, I love I love I love you. Hey there Kenty Boo, I said a yes I yes I do, yes I yes I do." It might be one of the cutest, sweetest things I've ever heard and every time he sings it to him Kent gets the biggest grin on his face.

It's hard to believe that my leave is almost over. I go back to work on Monday, August 28th and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Rob will be finishing the remainder of his paternity leave and taking the next 9 weeks off to care for Kent. As much as it pains me to hand over the reigns, I think it's going to be so great for Kent and dad to have that bonding time together. His daycare doesn't start until March 2024...which was the earliest we could get him in even though we put our names on the waiting list in January 2023 before we even knew when we'd be adopting. We'll need to get a part-time nanny for Nov-Mar to share the duty with grandma and grandpa. This has been one exciting month so stay tuned for next month's adventures with Baby Kent the Gent!

[korasonata]

Story time: AKA, how my mornings going.

We got the storm of the century overnight. Snow plastered against the door, roads aren’t plowed, we live on a side street that doesn’t get plowed. The type of storm we got was something called thunder snow, which is extremely rare. This is essentially a thunderstorm with snow instead of rain, meaning not only is it snowing like a bitch but there is now also crazy ass lightning everywhere. Roommate has a 4am shift and almost an hour drive to work.

Roomate wakes me up at 3:00 in the morning because we are snowed in and her car is stuck in the driveway. Me, still in pyjamas, throws on a jacket, grabs a shovel and starts digging. Dead quiet outside. Dark as all hell. It’s 3:00 in the bloody morning. Struggled with it for about an hour before we manage to unbury it enough to get it out of the driveway to where it promptly gets stuck 2 feet up the road. Context, we also live at the top of a massive god damn hill (also not plowed), at the bottom of which is a set of stop lights and an intersection. We are literally just trying to get the car back into the driveway at this point, debating calling a tow truck to move us 2 goddamn feet, if we had to do that hill today we were going RIGHT through that intersection, green light or no.

Have pulled out an ice scraper and am now physically scraping the pavement trying to get the tires some form of traction, enough that we can simply move it back to the driveway. Snow is so deep I can barely walk. Have fallen over so many times and my pyjamas are now completely covered in snow. Finally manage to get the car to move forward, at which point I am horrified to try to put it in reverse because we’ve now been out here for an hour and a half and I don’t want it to get stuck again. I’m the one in the car now, my roommate physically pushing the car from behind when I finally get it to move, and I decide my best bet is to just keep it moving. So now there’s me behind the wheel, car shaking and sliding and revving ferociously with it’s just barely gained traction as I drive it around the block, and me praying against all odds that the rest of the goddamn city it still asleep because I literally cannot stop if another car happens to be coming the other way when I go to make the turns at each intersection of road. Roommate is stood outside the house watching the clock debating if she needs to come after me on foot and dig me out on the next street over. Don’t even have my phone on me because I wasn’t expecting to be outside at 3:00 in the morning.

Finally get the car back into the driveway. It’s now 4:30 am, roommate was supposed to be at work half an hour ago, I’m not supposed to start till 9 but my car is now blocked in by hers and lord knows we aren’t trying to move that again. I’ve done my best to shovel out the driveway but it’s still snowing and most of what I started is already covered back in again. At which point we decide we are both taking a snow day and calling in to work, go back inside, put on the kettle. It’s 5 am, I’m boiling us tea, roommate’s made us a platter of grapes and cheese. Roommate’s already called in to work, they were very understanding. We are watching Ratatouille.

7am, haven’t slept. Been up since 3:00 shovelling bloody snow. Not supposed to start till 8:45, but figure I’ll give the boss an early heads up that I will not be coming in today as I physically cannot leave my house. Am also now hella tired and am looking forward to simply sleeping for the rest of the day because I’ve now been up all night.

Manager picks up the phone. I explain all of the above. Tell her that I’ve been up since 3 am shovelling snow, car got stuck on the road, just barely managed to get it back into the driveway, they still haven’t plowed and are likely not going to, I physically cannot get out of the driveway, I don’t think it’s safe to drive right now. She goes “well keep trying, call again in 3 hours to let me know for sure”

What…would you like me to do? Shovel the entire goddamn road? Walk 2 and a half hours in knee deep snow? Descend from the sky’s via helicopter?

8am, get a text from my father. He’s warning me how bad the roads are, giving me the heads up that I’ll need to get up early to shovel if I have to work today. Spectacular advice. Why the hell didn’t I think of that.

He suggests I take the bus, as he knows my streets are never plowed and I likely won’t get my car through (truth). Closest bus stop is over 2 kilometres away, no idea when it comes, streets and sidewalks are still not plowed, not even sure the buses are running today.

Is now 8:30 am. Have been up since 3 am. Have already attempted to call in to work, I just want to sleep for 10 bloody minutes. At which point my father goes “stay there, I’ll come drive you to work”. Which gives me half an hour to be up, dressed, packed an overnight bag, and taken precisely one bite of a 3 day old pastry that I found in the kitchen before I’m once again trudging through the snow because I have to walk to my dads car 2 blocks over because roads are still not plowed.

9:30 am. Get to work. Have reached a state of exhaustion where I am so tired that I almost have energy. I brought a giant ass thermos of the strongest caffeinated tea I own. I also bought 2 Monster energy drinks, each of which contains about 160mg’s of caffeine. Why the fuck are there so many customers here.

10:45 am. Manager has already given me 2 carts of stock to do and plans for more. Have just barely managed to finish the paperwork, which miraculously, by whatever grace of higher power there is, all managed to be in order for once. It’s still relatively slow, have only had a couple of drop offs and a guy buying an envelope for a birthday card, but that’s it. Am praying against all odds that nobody wants to ship anything Priority Worldwide today. I’ve discovered 6 days worth of mail transfers that haven’t been touched because lord knows I’m the only person who ever does any goddamn paperwork.

11:30 am. Starts getting busy. Had a customer with the most complicated order on the planet. He’s picking up, dropping off, shipping out to multiple different countries, he’s got customs owing on his package, he needs a return envelope for a different letter. The woman behind him is dropping off a pre-paid package for a business and she looks like she’s getting antsy. I’ve got a lineup, the phone is ringing, and I’m the only one here. Vision starts to go blurry because I haven’t slept in 24 hours. Me, in my sleep deprived haze, have the sudden realization that bee season started 3 days ago and I am in fact viable to receive such, because a big old box of live bees is exactly what I need right now.

3:00pm. I’ve finished my Monster and my tea. I feel no more awake at all, but my insides feel like they are vibrating. My ears are ringing. I am barely conscious, don’t know how I am even standing right now. I want the fucking bees. I would GLADLY take a box of fucking bees over the package I just received. Man comes in with a big box taped all around. He is moving to a different province and he is shipping this to his new address. Doesn’t tell me what’s in it, just says he needs it shipped regular parcel with a signature. Cool. I can do that. Finally something simple, I think. Print out the label, affix it to the box, give him the pin pad, he pays, I give him the tracking information, I pick up the box. Guy goes “yeah this is the last of my firearms that I’m shipping out, they wouldn’t fit in my car.” He walks away. Takes me a second to realize what’s just happened because I haven’t fucking slept.

I am now holding a big ass box of fucking guns.

…

WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A BIG ASS BOX OF FUCKING GUNS?!

Am panicking now. I don’t even know the proper protocol for shipping firearms because we are a tiny ass post office and nobody fucking ships firearms. Call my supervisor. “So you know how you’re TECHNICALLY allowed to ship certain dangerous goods by regular mail within the country because it gets delivered by truck and not by air?” “…Yeah?” “How flexible is that rule”

The Manager comes over. The Manager who has never touched a single thing in the post office in her entire life.

“What’s wrong?” “I think this box is full of guns.” “What, THIS box?”

MANAGER PICKS UP THE BOX AND SLAMS IT ON THE COUNTER.

Supervisor arrives, pulls out the manual. There is hope for me yet. Turns out I HAVE actually pretty much followed protocol (literally don’t ask me how). There is a section on shipping firearms and I’ve done pretty much every step correctly accept for the first one, which, given, is actually probably the most important step, which essentially boils down to you need fucking special permission to ship firearms (although it says the customer is supposed to call so I might be off the hook for this one). Not only that, the customer has managed to fuck me over even more with the fact that the return address he wrote down on the label I gave to him is the same as the shipping address. Meaning in order to “send it back” or “refuse it” I would have to return it to sender. Which is the same bloody address as where he’s trying to send it to.

My shift is done at 5. I don’t leave until almost 6. Customers keep lining up despite the fact we are closed. Am severely regretting my decision to let people talk me into coming in to work today.

6:30, I finally get home. The plow has finally dug out the road. The plow which, incidentally, has pushed all of the snow into the base of my driveway. So despite the fact that the roads are now clear, I somehow have MORE fucking snow than I did at 3:00 in the morning.

I am. So fucking exhausted.

[losingalana]

Tonight I went to hot yoga for the first time in almost a month. Despite it being so long, I did well and had a good class.

Beforehand, I was chatting with this man who I see at every single class I’ve been to. He looks like he has 0% body fat, all muscle and veins. He hits every pose to the T every time it seems. I asked him his name and got to talking about his lifestyle.

He started off by talking about Bruce Lee and how he was the epitome of fitness and how he aimed to be like him. He said Bruce got that way by working out 8-9 hours per day. Then I asked about his personal life.

Supposedly he’s an engineer who works 55-60 hours a week, and he ALSO works out anywhere from 3-5 hours a day. He wakes up at 4am, lifts weights for 1-2 hours before his family wakes up. Goes to work. Goes for a run on his lunch break. Works some more. Then comes to hot yoga for one, sometimes two, classes in a row. He eats 5-6 small meals a day, never a large meal all at once. And sleeps 4 hours per day. He admits that the sleep thing is unhealthy but I guess you gotta give somewhere??

Not saying I want that kind of extreme in my life.. I want to see my husband and be happy and still have a life outside of work. But chatting with him for 20 minutes before class was incredibly inspiring.

Some take always from his head:

Food is either fuel or replenishment, nothing more nothing less.

The body is so much stronger than you think once you can break down the mental barriers of the mind.

You can commit to anything if you set your heart in line and devote your life to it.

[anon-horsey]

For Yourself, By Yourself.

TW: suicide, self harm, mental health

Since I was 13, all I've wanted was to just go to bed and never wake up. I was 16 when my school got involved, which pretty much forced me to get in therapy and on meds. I was on that shit for more than 2 years. I'm now almost 20.

Am I still depressed? Absolutely. Do I still dread waking up every morning? Yep. Do I still think about what it would be to just not exist? 100%. Do I still think I'm faking it? Yes, yes I do. Sure I'm not actively harming myself or thinking of throwing myself off a balcony anymore, but depression? I don't think that ever goes away. If I'm being honest, I don't know if I want it to. Its been a pretty major part of my life for the past almost 7 years. Probably more, but its not like I can really remember much of anything. I mean, think about it. Why am I doing the course I'm doing at uni? Not because I'm particularly motivated or anything...I just haven't had a solid career aspiration since I was like 8 because at some point I stopped wasting my time worrying and planning for a future I knew I wasn't going to have. Now, I'm almost 20 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'd be lying if I said this was never a part of the plan because truth be told, there never was a plan to being with. I was too depressed for that shit.

But well, the point of this isn't to write about my depression. Been there, done that. I even thought about typing out that whole book of depression poems to post on here. Because like I said, still pretty depressed. But this depression...it isn't the same depressed that I was when I got diagnosed and put on meds. Sometimes, I think my meds didn't get rid of my depression, they just...changed it.

Recently, though, something changed inside me. I'm not quite sure what it was; I'm not even in therapy or on meds anymore. And nothing majorly revolutionary or tragic has happened in my life either. So hell if I know what changed. This summer, I decided that I was just done. I've been done for a long time. Done with the world, done with myself, you get the picture. But this was a different done. Now, I'm just done with people. I think I've realized that the less I put up with other people, the more I can keep my own peace. The less energy I spend in someone else's crap, the more energy I have for shit I want to do. And yes, for once, I actually want to do something. But I digress.

There's this really cheesy quote I saw on Instagram that even 6 months ago, I'd have laughed at. But I think that might have been the “something” that changed inside of me. It goes “I'm working on myself, for myself, by myself”. Cringy, I know. I spent so much time with myself this past year. Not a first at all, but I actually actively spent that time with myself. And you know what I realized? People aren't reliable. Every single person, even people I've considered my best friends, have consistently not shown up and not put in the same amount of effort that I'm putting in to our relationship. Which would be fine if they weren't also the first person to get triggered and spiral when I start putting less effort into said relationship. My best friend, she and I don't regularly video call or anything. Our love language, so to speak, is sending each other shit post reels on instagram. Guess what though, I still absolutely love her and our relationship has done nothing but improve.

On the contrary, my ex-best friend. I hate to say it, but our relationship has not survived the long distance test. She's changed. I've changed. I'm not going to comment on whether either is for the better or worse because I think that's an entirely subjective matter. But believe me when I say I've tried. I've tried to make this work and she just doesn't want to. And a year ago, I would've given everything I have to make it work. Stayed up till 4AM when I had a class at 9 just so I could accommodate her schedule. But I'm just bloody done.

Basically, people don't show up. Not your best friends, hell not even people whose job it is to help you. When I moved into my apartment, I asked 2 people for help with certain things. Both of them said yes. Neither showed up. I did it on my own. So, what have we learnt over the past year? People don't show up and at the end of the day, its you. For yourself. By yourself.

So let this be the year (academic, calendar, whatever) where you stop showing up for people who've stopped showing up for you. Where you prioritize your peace and sanity over that of someone else's. People have never shown up for you. They've shown up for themselves. Its about time we all did the same.

For ourselves. By ourselves.

Leaving you with a little NF quote:

My mind is a home I'm trapped in And its lonely inside this mansion

[themculibrary]

Breakfast Masterlist

Breakfast (ao3) - 9r7g5h, The 9 One (9r7g5h) peggy/angie G, 1k

Summary: Peggy wasn’t the best at it, but she was going to give making breakfast a try.

Breakfast (ao3) - ashyblondwaves wanda/vision E, 900

Summary: A prompt from Tumblr: Vision surprising Wanda making breakfast with nothing but an apron on.

Breakfast at Nelson & Page's (ao3) - prettybirdy979 matt/foggy/karen T, 13k

Summary: Matt came in for a bagel. He found so much more.

(or the fic where Foggy and Karen run a bagel shop and Matt is 'selfish' in wanting them both)

breakfast break-in (ao3) - dreamerfound yelena/kate T, 500

Summary: Yelena surprises Kate with breakfast.

Breakfast Disaster (ao3) - badlifechoices bucky/clint T, 3k

Summary: prompt: Bucky finds out Clint sucks at making pancakes and immediately seeks to remedy this

Breakfast in Bed (ao3) - starrynightshade phil/melinda T, 652

Summary: “Breakfast in bed!” Simmons said cheerfully, heading in the direction of Coulson’s room. “How fun!”

Breakfast in Bed (ao3) - CommonwealthCutie steve/tony G, 1k

Summary: It's Tony's birthday & Steve and their two kids have a delicious surprise in the works for their favorite dad.

Breakfast in Bed (ao3) - mrs_d steve/sam T, 1k

Summary: “Wow,” Sam murmured. He almost managed a straight face when he asked, “Did you make those yourself?”

Breakfast Negotiations (ao3) - ifwednesdaywasaflowerchild maria/sam T, 565

Summary: Maria misses breakfast. Sam is not happy.

Breaking a Few Eggs (ao3) - remreader pepper/tony G, 1k

Summary: Tony tries to make the perfect breakfast for Pepper. Emphasis on tries.

Give a Little bit (ao3) - Marv-with-a-v (Marvel_Kitten) matt/foggy T, 1k

Summary: Some days are harder than others. That's life. Some people are just plain wonderful and that's Foggy, fortunately for Matt.

I abandon myself to the glimpses of prior times (ao3) - endlesstwanted bucky/sharon/steve T, 1k

Summary: After a disastrous attempt to cook for Steve, Sharon and Bucky come up with a new idea to save breakfast.

it’s just the thought of you, the very thought of you, my love (ao3) - Writer_Lethogica sam/bucky M, 1k

Summary: Sam wakes up after his first night with Bucky.

Mutual Proposals (ao3) - QueerSnakeBoi loki/mobius G, 547

Summary: When Loki wakes up, Monica is standing in front of her with a tray. Monica gives her a kiss on the lips and then lays the tray down in her lap. On it, a gorgeous plate of eggs, sausage, and toast. And next to the plate, are two cups of tea. Monica sits down beside Loki and takes one of the cups of tea.

“Eat, my love. You have had a hard week, and I just wanted to make it better.” Monica says into her ear.

The Breakfast Club, or Cereal: A Love Story (ao3) - HugBubble bucky/darcy T, 1k

Summary: Darcy Lewis bumps into a certain former Winter Soldier in the kitchen at 4am.

The Morn After (ao3) - Blizzard_Fire bruce/thor T, 1k

Summary: After a night of Asgardian partying, Thor awakens to an empty bed. Bruce appears to have left, but perhaps he's closer than Thor realises...

The Morning After Phil's and Clint's First Mission (ao3) - Siberianskys clint/phil T, 480

Summary: Prompt: Doughnuts

Trivial Things (ao3) - obidadkenobi N/R, 945

Summary: Post TFATWS, Sam and Bucky stay at a hotel for a mission. Sam forces them to a breakfast buffet, and Bucky has some thoughts about it.