#all of these are off the top of my head so im sorry if i forgot you!

[marauder-misprint]

Eek I’m the one that asked about requests, so excited you’re taking them!

My idea was fem!reader x whichever marauder you want (not Pete sorry not sorry) where the reader is flirty but not in a hitting on everyone and pickup lines type of way. It’s in a she’s very friendly, likes to give out compliments just cause she wanted to, and is just warm and open to people type of way.

Ngl im a sucker for some angst with a happy ending so if that somehow works with whatever idea you come up with that would be cool but no pressure!

I hope this sounds like something you’d wnjiy writing but again no pressure at all<3

I hope this has that kind of vibe you were going for! Thank you for being my first request - I'm very excited and very nervous for this. ♡

Sunshine Incarnate

Remus Lupin x fem!reader

1.8k words

cw: fluff, angst

“God, she’s such a fucking tease,” Sirius sighs, leaning back in a plush armchair in the library.

“Who is?” Remus asks, not looking up from his book.

“Her,” he answers, gesturing toward you. “Little Miss Sunshine herself.”

Remus’ gaze shoots up, first looking at Sirius and then at you. You were talking with some Ravenclaw boy, absorbed in the conversation and oblivious to the rest of the library.

“A tease?” Remus asks.

Sirius hums. “Whenever you talk to her, she gives you these eyes. Then she’ll give you some flirty comment and walk away. Fucking. Tease.”

“Don’t talk about her that way,” Remus growls, still not looking away from you.

“Remus, you’ve experienced what he’s talking about though, right?” Peter asks. “She sits next to you in Herbology.”

Remus has experienced the eyes that Sirius is describing. When you talked to someone, they had your entire attention. You were fully engaged. He’d also been on the receiving end of your compliments before as well; he replayed them in his head when he was feeling low. But Remus would be an idiot to ignore that you did this with everyone. 

“Oh my god, I love your hair like that!”

“That’s brilliant! You’re a genius.” 

“I haven’t read that book before. Is it any good?” “Yeah, It’s my favorite.” “Yeah? Tell me about it.”

It’s who you are. As Sirius had called you, you are Little Miss Sunshine. You brightened every room you entered and made everyone feel important. Remus didn’t think there was a single person in all of Hogwarts who didn’t like you. How could they? 

“Remus?” Peter repeats, tossing a crumpled piece of parchment at him.

“Huh? What?”

“Wormy asked you about Sunshine’s eyes and you zoned,” James says. He’s busy working on an essay that the rest of the group had already finished. 

“Of course. Yes. Although I think it’s called active listening,” Remus says, sounding more irritated than he intended. “Something you could work on,” he adds on in a grumble. 

“My ears work just fine, thank you very much,” Sirius says. 

Then his face lights up and he waves at you. You had briefly turned away from the Ravenclaw boy and Sirius’ wave caught your eye. You wave back, excuse yourself and make your way to the Gryffindors. 

“Hi!” you say cheerfully. “Remus, that sweater looks really soft.”

His face flushed at your words. He could barely mutter out a thanks. 

“What’re you working on?” you ask, standing next to Remus. You’re looking at the pages of the book he’s reading, hoping to see a title at the top of the pages but there’s nothing to go off of, not even a diagram to say if it was a Herbology or Charms book. 

“That damned Potions essay,” James answers. 

“Good thing you’re not too shabby in that class then,” you say with a smile. “Can’t be too difficult.”

James looks up from his essay to return your smile. “It’s not. Just annoying to do.”

“Annoying to do is my Divination dream journal!” you reply with a giggle. “Like I need a teacher knowing what happens in my subconscious.”

“I’d like to know what happens in your subconscious,” Sirius says, now leaning forward. 

You give him an eye roll. “Become a Divination tutor and maybe. Remus, did you do that Herbology worksheet yet?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Yesterday.” 

“Shoot, I was hoping we could work on it together. You’re so much better at Herbology than I am.”

“Oh, it’s not too difficult,” he says, briefly looking up from his book to give you a smile.

You’re already looking at him with those eyes and a smile. Butterflies take flight in his stomach. He has to look away quickly, despite not wanting to. 

“Okay,” you say, bouncing on your toes. “I’ll see you later.”

As you walk away, Peter hits Remus with a roll of parchment.

“Are you daft?” he whispers, unsure if you’re out of earshot yet. “She was flirting with you.”

He shakes his head. “No, she wasn’t.”

“She wanted to work on Herbology homework with you.”

“Because we share the class? And I’m smart?”

“You’re daft,” James confirms.

The rest of the afternoon and into the evening, Remus is replaying the conversation. Had you been flirting with him? Actually flirting or being your kind self? Even if you were flirting with him, you’d certainly stop as soon as you found out that he was a werewolf. Sunshine incarnate could not be with someone who turns with the moon. He was Moony for goodness sake. But she had complimented both his sweater and Herbology skills in one conversation with only James also receiving a compliment. How had he earned two compliments over Sirius? With all of your kindness and Sirius’ natural charisma, you two usually bantered like an entertaining yet sickening tennis match. 

“You know, the things I would do to her if she said the word,” Sirius says, bringing Remus out of his thoughts. 

“Still on about Sunshine, are you?” James asks.

“Still on about Evans?” Sirius retorts.

“Would it kill you to shut up and stay away from her?” Remus snaps.

Sirius and James shoot him a confused look. He had been mostly quiet since leaving the library, but it was Remus. He just did that sometimes. 

“Stay away from her?” Sirius repeats. “From Madam Sunshine herself? Why would I do that?”

“She’s the sweetest,” James adds with a smirk. 

“Yeah, I know,” Remus grumbles. “She doesn’t need you assholes to bring her down.”

“I’m not bringing her down,” James says defensively.

“Just leave her out of your… fantasies.”

“Why?” Sirius presses.

“Just, it’s… it’s you,” Remus says, gesturing wildly. 

“Yeah, and?” Sirius asks, leaning forward toward Remus with narrowing eyes. 

“You’re messy.” Remus pauses. “We’re messy.”

“So we’re all staying away from her?” Peter asks. 

“I, uh, I guess so.” 

Remus couldn’t tell his three closest friends to stay away from her because they were messy and not include himself, possibly the messiest of the group. But, god, he wanted to be close to you. He wanted to hold you and be held by you. He wanted to kiss your perfect smile that was ever present on your perfect lips. He wanted to be the reason your gorgeous eyes lit up. He wanted you to look for him in the room. He wanted you to be his sunshine. 

Sirius shares a knowing look with James and Peter that Remus misses. Though he had tried to be subtle, his friends know when Remus is down bad, and he is for you. 

---

In Remus’ presence, you’re no longer a topic of discussion. The boys successfully steer all conversations away from you. Remus doesn’t think anything of it, assuming they actually listened to him and are staying away from you and all your perfectness. 

That is, until you walk over and sit next to Remus at lunch. You set your books down gently and give the boys a smile.

“That’s our cue to leave. See you in Dark Arts, Moony,” Sirius says with a grin. James and Peter follow him away from the table, leaving you alone with him. 

“That was… weird,” Remus mumbles, watching them leave before turning his attention back to you. 

He tries to hide the confusion on his face, but you see it anyway.

“Did you not… did you not ask me to practice nonverbal spells with you?”

Remus stares at you blankly. “No?”

You pull out a piece of parchment and hand it to him.

“I got this at breakfast.”

It was a note, in Sirius’ handwriting no less, asking you to meet at lunch to practice spells. When he looks up from the note, you are biting your lip with a hopeful look on your face. 

“Even if it’s not from you, would you mind practicing? I’m rubbish at them and, well, you’re great at everything.” 

Remus feels his face heat at the compliment. 

“You’re not rubbish at them.”

“No, I really am! I try them all the time and they never work! I’ve tried to levitate notes to you in Transfiguration and the stupid notes never lift more than a centimeter off the desk!” you ramble.

“Notes… to me?” 

It’s your turn to blush. You had never successfully passed a note to him. The notes that never made it to him often had compliments on them; the most recent had been to ask him to Hogsmeade. But when you continuous failed to get them to him, you had taken that as a sign from the universe that it wasn’t meant to be, but you weren’t one to give up easily. Maybe you were misreading the signs and you needed to go to him for help. So when you received the note from fake Remus, you were over the moon. 

“Oh, yeah. Just little comments about lessons. Nothing too important,” you lie. 

“You were trying to give me notes…” Remus mutters, still in disbelief that you were writing notes to him in the first place, even if they were ‘little comments.’

“Yes?”

You’re not sure what gives you the boldness, but you dig through your bag again and pull out some of the notes. You’re not sure why you kept them, but you did. 

“Okay, little comments, yes. About the lessons, not really.”

You hold out one for him to take.

You mastered teacup to gerbil quickly. You’re amazing!

“That, uh, that should be the first one.”

His hands are shaking as he reads it over and over. 

“You kept them?”

You nod, a little unsure. He reaches out and takes the rest from your hands. You feel your blush grow as he reads each other. It’s only a slight comfort that his blush is also increasing with each note. 

He looks up at you with a curious expression that’s topped with hopeful eyes.

“You were going to ask me to Hogsmeade?”

You open your mouth to speak but words don’t come out. You nod.

“If the offer still stands, I’d, uh, I’d love you. I’d love to. Ahem. I’d love to go to Hogsmeade with you.”

You’re certain your face is as red as his. 

“This weekend then?”

“Yeah,” he breathes. 

You lean in and kiss his cheek, your own boldness surprising you yet again.

“We can, erm, work on nonverbals later. I’ll see you later, Remus.” 

He watches you leave the Great Hall in a hurry. His hand slowly comes up to touch the spot where you had kissed him. Maybe, just maybe, you had been flirting with him. 

---

“How did that go, Moony?”

“You are bastards. All of you.”

“How did it go?”

“She kissed me,” he says, still blushing furiously.

“I told you!” Sirius cheers. “I told you he was projecting.”

“Projecting?”

“Mate, you called us messy. I mean, yeah, we are, but it’s your tell.”

[onlinedolly]

cw: drug use, misogynistic undertones (brief mention of gender roles), degradation, p in v, p in mouth, dubcon (if u squint maybe?), mentions of piss, mean awful leon, i think that’s it? lmk if i miss any ok thank u

an: for my angel 🕊️ annonie who rq more corrupt cop leon!!!! i don’t put tws in tags so please read the list above carefully. if any of those things are too much for you please feel free to bypass this okay thanks so much. also i did not proof read this cuz im terrible sorry ):

corrupt cop!leon is a mean man. a star in the raccoon city PD, an officer who’d spent years building up nothing but a positive reputation, but behind closed doors he was anything but kind. you were his pretty little girlfriend, over a decade his junior and a former rookie at the same place he worked.

corrupt cop!leon who drank the minute he got home until he went to bed, expecting dinner and clean home when he arrived. so pleased to see his pretty little doll and dressed up for him over a hot stove. he got too drunk, like usual, and that’s when he’d become violent and crude.

“why don’t you come over here, little one?”

corrupt cop!leon would say, patting his legs with an almost empty whiskey glass to his side. and like the pretty, sweet thing you are, there you’d go prancing over to place yourself on his lap. smothering him with kisses, asking about his day, complimenting him on what a good cop he was (not that he needed the ego boost). and he’d sigh, tap your pretty cheek to get you to open your mouth big and wide before slipping whatever pills he’d stolen from the evidence locker a few hours prior. it really wasn’t as bad as it seemed, leon would think to himself, he was just helping, right. the pills made you happy, pliable, sweet and made that little brain of yours dumb.

and oh boy, did corrupt cop!leon love when you were hazy and high and oh so fucking stupid.

“ain’t got a thought up there, do ya?”

corrupt cop!leon who’d roughly knock on your head as if someone would answer. and you just smile all bright at him, like you do so often, and tell him the only thing up there is thoughts of him. you were perfect, a small, sweet thing who let him do whatever he wanted to you. and he ate it up.

corrupt cop!leon who was drunker now, meaner, and after supper is when he’d start to push you around. climbing onto his lap to only be shoved into the cold hardwood as he mumbled how ‘fucking hot he was’. pressing down on your tummy with a full bladder until you pissed yourself, getting so angry at you for using the restroom on the living room floor. and still, you looked at him with hearts and stars in your eyes.

corrupt cop!leon who had you so trained all he had to do was pull his cock out and there you were, on your knees in a second.

“dirty thing, this is all your good for, hm? taking cock and fuckin annoyin me’”

corrupt cop!leon would slur out drunkenly, as you kitten lick the top of his cock. leon would let you tease him for only a few moments before he’d grab the back of your head, hand in your hair, pushing you roughly down the length of his cock. you sputter and cough in a feeble failed attempt to tell him to pull back, but it’s to avail (it’s usually not).

“bet you like that, don’t cha? choking around an older guys cock, whore.”

corrupt cop!leon’s cock which is so big you’re terrified it’ll break your jaw, and especially at the rough and fast pace he’s fucking himself. you can’t breathe and tears spring to the corners of your eyes as you desperately try to gasp for air. but leon’s never been one to give up, no. your tongue is swirling around his cock and your hands are cupped around his balls like you’ve been trained to do, despite the lack of air.

“ain’t you something? fucking perfect.”

corrupt cop!leon would growl out between moans. and right before he cums does he let you breathe, pulling you roughly off of him by your hair. you gasp for air, big gulps that can’t seem to come soon enough as you wipe the tears and snot away from your face. before leon even has to instruct you you’re sinking down on his cock, no panties under that pretty little dress he picked out for you this morning.

corrupt cop!leon who thinks you’re going just too fucking slow. so he takes matters into his own hands, grabbing your hips roughly and slamming you down on his cock and you cry out. leon loved to hear your pained little whimpers, especially when they were still paired with that oh so loving, hazy look you give him.

“next time speed up and i won’t have to hurt ya, so bad y’know? stupid little baby, need me to do fucking everything.”

“s-sorry, sir,” you sputter out, “need you to everything your rig-“ a scream rips through your body as he lifts you up and slams you back down on his cock, you lean forward gripping the back of the couch for some kind of support as he begins a brutal pace, pistoning himself inside your tight cunt.

“fuckers at the force think i’m so good, don’t they baby? it’s cuz im the best, ain’t i? go on say it, your old mans the best cop there ever was, hm?”

you want to speak, relay compliments on him like you’ve done a thousand times before. but you’re just so full and so so overwhelmed. you’re sobbing from the needy feeling as leon fucks into you, enough to give you a tinge of pleasure but never enough to hit that soft spongy spot inside of you.

and leon wasn’t an idiot, he was actually very smart thank-you-very-fucking-much, he knew exactly what he was doing. knew your body enough to fuck you until you’re begging for him to hit right where you need him too.

corrupt cop!leon is a mean fucking man, who loves fucking you like one.

“can’t answer me? what? am i a terrible cop? a bad guy? is that what you think of me?” he eggs on, venom laced in his words.

“n-no!” you cry, his grip on your hips so tight it makes you gasp, “leon’s a good man, good cop, good — ah — everything.”

leon’s fucking you brutally at this point, the exact words he needs to hear from his baby has him reeling, and finally he slams you down against his thighs, his cock hitting you so deep it’s borderline pain as he finally grazes that spongy little spot with his tip. it sends you over the moon, leaning back to rest your hands on his thighs as your hips involuntarily roll against him, hitting your g spot over and over again until your eyes are rolling in the back of your head.

“god what a slut you are, fucking yourself on my cock, now who told your pretty self you could do that?”

it’s like whiplash the way he picks your smaller frame up, spinning you both around and slamming you into the couch. your legs are spread in the air and he’s fucking you so roughly the couch rocks against the wall.

and corrupt cop!leon is a mean man, but he’s not cruel, so he takes one of his hands and rubs fast circles on your clit until your spasming around him, your orgasm crashing over you like a large tidal wave.

and he’s close too, he can feel it, so he picks up the pace, fucking you hard and ruthlessly as he mumbles pet names into your ear.

“god baby” “fuck, angel.” “cunt made just for me, hm, cupcake?”

finally he cums with a growl that’s almost animalistic, gripping your hip harshly as he unloads his seed inside of you. he’s sweating and panting and you’re looking at him with stars in your glossed over eyes, he takes a few moments to soften inside of you before pulling out.

“you should really clean yourself up, huh? look downright filthy with cum leakin’ out of you like that.”

he says before sauntering away, sure to grab his whiskey glass he’d left of the table.

corrupt cop!leon was a mean man and he was everything to you.

[littlxpxtal]

Puppy Grin

TYRANTS || STORY MASTERLIST

PAIRING: rafe cameron x fem!reader

WARNINGS: MDNI 18+ Content, swearing, sexual content, drug and alcohol use, violence

WORD COUNT: 3.1k

I'm alone, to beginning

Just sat right here with my puppy grin

For you and your sneaking on holidays, holidays

What fun to be had

When you've got me here to hit right back

Just some Polly parroting on and on and like you want

What's up with you?

It's never been like you to be back and begging

I've been no good at acting as I should

New Years Eve

My boots clacked against the pavement as I walked to Sabrina’s house, book bag filled to the brim with everything I needed to get ready for tonight. I knock on the large front door and am greeted by Sabrina, wrapped in a robe with her makeup half done and her hair up in a towel.

We greet each other and she leads me upstairs to her room, clothes sprawled out everywhere. I trip over a pair of heels and she profusely apologizes, throwing them across the room, landing on top of a pile of purses.

“Sorry I can’t fucking figure out what I wanna wear, which is preventing me from starting my eye makeup. Can you help?” I nod my head and start picking up dresses from her bed, inspecting each one.

“Ooo what about this one?” I ask, reaching back behind her bed. It was a black sparkly mini dress that she bought online a few months ago but never wore. I remember watching her buy it off her laptop in second period.

“Oh my GOD yes!” she screams, giving me a hug. I help her shove all of her clothes into her closet and start setting up my own little station by her mirror, applying my makeup.

“So who do you think you’re gonna kiss tonight?” I finally ask as I wrap a piece of hair around the hot wand. Sabrina peaks out from the bathroom and smirks.

“Haven’t decided.” she says before spraying hairspray on her head. “I’ve been hooking up with DJ Gabe for only like a week but there’s no strings attached.”

“What about Topper?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow at her. He was the host of tonights New Years Eve outing.

“What about him?” she responds sweetly, admiring herself in the mirror.

“What do you mean what about him” I say with a laugh, finishing up with the last strand of hair that needed to be curled. I spritz some hair spray on it then run a comb through the curls to loosen them up.

“No idea what you’re talking about” she says with a grin on her face. She walks out of the room and I roll my eyes, grabbing my dress and begin to slip it on.

The description on the website I found it from was “Femme Clubwear Gold Sequin Sleeveless Halter Backless Mini Dress” I hadn’t tried it on since purchasing so I was praying it would fit fine. If it didn’t at least I knew Sabrina had plenty of extras to let me wear.

Sabrina’s hopes for the night was to go home with the DJ from my birthday party. I had no motives for the night except to get drunk.

As if she read my mind, she reentered the room with a champagne bottle and two flutes in her hand.

“God you look so good!” she exclaims. “I have to put mine on now.” she shoves the bottle and glasses into my hand and runs to her bathroom to change. I pour the glasses full and hand one out to her when she exits.

“You look perfect.” I compliment her.

“Dude I know.” she says, walking over to her mirror and taking a selfie. I giggle at her and pull out my phone. It was 9:33 and I had a text from Rafe.

What’re you wearing tonight?

Something sexy

Send me a picture

You’ll have to wait till you see it on my instagram

You’re such a tease … Give me the color at least

Gold

Wow that is sexy

What’s your plans for tonight

Slummin it with Sarah while she whines about not getting a New Years kiss with johnbee

:( Be nice to her

Only because you told me to.

Top’s throwin tonight we’re about to leave

Im jealous

You should be :p

Shut up

Make me

Dont ask for things you dont actually want

What if i do

“Who’re you texting?” she says, taking a sip of champagne trying to peak down at my phone.

“No one important.” I say, clicking my phone off.

“When are you gonna tell me whats going on between you and Rafe?”

“Dont know what you’re talking about.” I say, mimicking her response from my probing questions earlier.

“I see the way he looks at you. And the way he touches you. He doesn’t do that with anyone else. And I mean anyone.” She pours herself another full glass and tops mine off.

“We’ve known each other for a while. I grew up around them so he probably just thinks of me like a sister or something.” I say shrugging.

“You and I both know he does not treat Sarah the same way he treats you so don’t even try that.” she says, with a serious face this time.

“Why does it matter Sab?” I ask, my face getting flustered. I let the topic go earlier about her and Top, but she wasn’t letting this one go.

“You guys would be cute.” she finally says after a few seconds of silence. I roll my eyes and walk over to my bag, pulling out my heels.

“That’s not what it is.” I huff.

“HA so something IS going on!”

I decide to give in. I knew Sabrina wouldn’t tell anyone and it was getting hard to keep it a secret from her anymore.

“Fine. We slept together. A few times. But that’s it.”

“And you’re texting.”

“He’s in Bora Bora.”

“He’s on vacation .. and hes on his phone texting you.”

“Its barely a conversation, let alone an intelligent one. No substance. He’s just bored.” I say defensively, buckling the clip of my heels on and standing up.

“This is so hot.” she says with a huge smile across her face. “I can’t believe your fucking Rafe. Is he good?” she asks.

I down the flute of champagne, pouring myself another glass before answering.

“Yea it’s pretty good.” I state. I check my phone to see that Rafe hadn’t answered. I frown slightly and look back over to Sabrina.

“Ready to go?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 11:45 and I was alone. A bottle of champagne in one hand and a joint in the other. I had stolen a few cigarettes from some random pack that was left unattended on the bar. Everyone was hammered, the music was too loud and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I stumbled down the hill of Topper’s backyard and made my way to the pier, walking closer to the edge by the water. I sit down on the edge and light both the joint and the cig.

The bass of the music rumbled down to the deck, vibrating the water below. I checked my phone again and saw that Rafe still hadn’t texted me back. I chugged a mouthful of champagne back and opened the spotify app. I was in the mood to listen to anything else other than house music.

The first song that plays on shuffle was Ribs. I laughed and turned the volume up, taking a drag from each of the lit sticks in my hands.

“What’re you doing out here?” The voice makes me practically jump out of my skin. I hadn’t heard the footsteps due to my intoxication and music rumbling around me. I turn my head to see the dark figure walking closer. The light at the edge of the deck where I sat illuminated their face.

It was Rafe.

“What are you doing here?” I squeak out.

“Dad had some business he needed to get back to so I hitched a ride with him.”

I rose to my feet and he walked closer to me.

“How long have you been home? How long have you been here?” My heart was racing and I felt insecure, realizing at the sight he was looking at. Me, crossed and alone on new years, listening to Lorde.

“We landed around 10, I got here around 11. ’ve been lookin for you. “

“You could’ve texted me.”

“That would’ve ruined the surprise” he says with a smirk, stepping closer. He takes the bottle out of my hand and takes a swig. He then takes the joint out of my hand, taking a long drag. “Looks like I have some catching up to do.” he chuckles, and sits down next to my phone on the pier.

After a few seconds, I sit next to him, about a foot of space between us. I stare out into the water, finishing up the cig, passing it to him for the last hit it had. He takes a drag and bums it out on the deck. He passes me back the bottle and joint and cracks his knuckles. I take a few sips before breaking the silence.

“How could you leave Bora Bora a week early?”

“Didn’t want to be alone on New Years.”

“Like I am” I snort. He looks over to me. For the first time, his eyes are soft. His pupils aren’t dilated like they usually are when we’re at events like this, an effect from the white powder he snorts. I never see him sober anymore.

Hurricane by Halsey starts to play from my phone, filling the silence that had fallen between us again.

That’s exactly what he made me feel inside. Like there was a fucking storm brewing. I wanted to run and hide from the way he made me feel so I didn’t have to accept it. Like I had whiplash from his emotions. I never knew if he was going to say something nice or something mean. I never knew what mood he would be in. He was always lingering, I never knew when to expect to see him. Like tonight. He just appeared. He tore me open, left me devastated. And I liked it.

“Well now we’re here. Not alone anymore.” he finally says. A shiver runs up my spine and I hand him back the bottle. I had reached my limit for the night. The world felt like it was spinning, his surprise appearance leaving me in a haze. A dreamlike state. I wanted to pinch myself to check if this was even real or if I blacked out and this was a dream.

A countdown from the house rumbled through the air. Rafe put the bottle down and inched towards me. My breath hitched and I felt my hands start to shake. His hand reaches up to cup the side of my face and I look at him. His eyes still soft.

When the crowd chants Happy New Year, he leans in and presses his lips against mine. Its the sweetest he’s ever kissed me. My shaky hands trail up and hold his neck, pressing myself up, deeper into the kiss. When we finally break free, he keeps his face close to mine.

“Happy New Year.” he whispers. Fireworks erupt from someones house across the water, lighting his face up with color.

“Take me home.”

Rafe led the way up the hill back to the Cameron estate, holding my hand and the other holding onto my heels that I had taken off.

When we walk inside the house is quiet and dark. He grabs two glasses of water from the kitchen and we go upstairs. We turn left at the top of the stairs, instead of my usual right to Sarah’s room. I held my breath when walking in, it felt odd going into his room. I haven’t been inside of it since I was like 11.

It looked vaguely familiar from all those years ago, posters of his favorite artists and cars he liked, his desk with random papers piled on it. His closet door was closed, a few jackets hung from the back of the door. His floor was clean, which was a nice surprise from a teenage boy. His sheets were black and had a white knitted throw blanket on top.

He sat on the edge of the bed and reached his arms out, pulling me onto his lap, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

“This dress is breathtaking.” he whispers. His hand trails from my cheek, fingers hovering over my bottom lip. I stay as still as possible, keeping eye contact with him. His thumb holds my chin, pulling my face closer to his.

“What do you want pretty girl?” he says, his breath lingers over my mouth and I hesitate for a second to answer.

“I want you.” I finally say, releasing the breath I had been holding. He presses his mouth against mine, I part mine open, letting his tongue circle around inside. I begin to unbutton his top, and unbuckle his pants. When they fall to the floor, I go down with them, on my knees in front of Rafe. He visibly gulps and I begin to palm his length on the outside of his boxers. They were Calvin Klein this time. I start to pepper kisses along his happy trail, teasing the band of his boxers, I can feel his abs flex, and he runs his fingers through my hair.

I finally pull his boxers off, his cock slapping up against his abdomen.

“Hold my hair for me?” I ask, battling my lashes up at him. He nods his head feverishly, swiping it all up into his grip in one go. I spit on the top of his tip and hear his breathing get ragged.

Taking him in slowly, I wrap my lips around his tip, letting my spit drop down his shaft, using my hand to spread the saliva around. I swirl my tongue around his tip and look up at him, his eyes are squeezed shut.

I push myself down his length, trying to my hardest to make it down to his base without gagging. He bucks up into my mouth, making his tip hit the back of my throat. Tears brim my eyes and I feel drool dripping from the corners of my mouth. His eyes are still squeezed tight, his chest glistening against the warm light shining from the corner of the room.

Rafe’s hand pulls my hair up and he pushes back down, bobbing my head on his cock. I let him take over completely, and his hips start to thrust up into my mouth, his bottom lip tight between his teeth, he grunts loudly with each thrust.

“Fuck ‘M gonna cum.” he whsipers, a soft whine coming from his mouth as hes unable to keep his composure before filling my mouth with his cum, shooting straight down the back of my throat.

I swallow everything he released into my mouth, wiping the outside corners with the back of my hand. Rafe releases his grip on my hair and I sit up on my knees, batting my eyelashes up at him for my next direction.

“I’m sorry I might be out of commission for tonight.” he says sheepishly, pulling his boxers back on and scratching the back of his head.

“It’s alright. I owed you anyways.” I respond before standing up and walking around to pick up my shoes. From the corner of my eye I see Rafe frown, and rub his hands on his face.

“You headin out already?” he finally says after a few seconds of silence. I nod and walk back over to the bed, sitting on the edge next to him, attempting to put my shoes on.

“You know, you can stay here if you’d like. Its dangerous out there.” I chuckle at this and look up to meet his eyes. They’re soft, and he has a vulnerable look on his face, something I haven’t seen in a very long time.

“I dont know Rafe, we usually don’t do that.” I say, trying to respect the non existent boundaries of our relationship. We’ve never even talked about what this is, let alone what was allowed. He chews on his lip nervously, another few seconds of silence linger around the room.

“But I want you to stay.” I stop fumbling with my shoes when the words come out of his mouth. I internally debate on what this could mean. It was a line that seemed like it shouldn't be crossed, but looked so inviting to try.

“Can I borrow some clothes then?” I ask. He smiles and jumps off the bed, walking over to his dresser and tossing a pair of boxers and a t shirt. He walks to the ensuite bathroom, rummaging around in the cabinet and pulls out a toothbrush in its packaging.

“You can use my toothpaste. I dont got any makeup remover, but I have some face wash and lotion” he says into the room before starting to brush his own teeth. I slip off the dress I was wearing and place it onto his desk chair, placing the heels under his desk. I plug my phone into the closest outlet, and change into the clothes he provided. When Rafe steps out of the bathroom, I go in after him, using the toiletries he provided me to freshen up.

When I enter back into his bedroom, the last light that remains on is his bedside lamp. Rafe laid flat on his back, with his eyes closed. I crawl onto the bed, coming up beside him. He peaks one eye open and smiles, reaching his arms out to grab and pull me closer, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

I cuddle up against his chest, and he runs his fingers through my hair, falling deeper into sleep with each breath. I wasn’t sure what possessed Rafe to fly home early, and invite me to stay the night at his house, but it worried me that this might mean we had to have some sort of discussion about what was happening. I had no experience with a situation like this before, and Sarah’s words about Rafe and his ill intentions haunted my thoughts.

I thought about what I wanted. I wasn’t actually sure to be honest. I’ve known Rafe forever, I felt comfortable around him and he knows me well. But I also consider that he’s still just a guy with needs and maybe just wants a friends with benefits situation. Which I would be alright with, as long as if he gets to mess around with other people, so do I.

Before I could work myself up anymore about the thought of me and Rafe, soft snores escaped his mouth as he fell asleep. I clutched the side of his body tighter and kisses his cheek, whispering goodnight before resting my head on his chest and falling asleep.

Previous Chapter | Instagram AU | Next Chapter

[satangcrush]

too loved he became slothful

belphie, satan & g!n reader, sfw, not beta-read

cw▸i dont think theres anything for this, author didn’t do any research a/n▸ no idea if belphie can put people to sleep but he's my character now so he can. also coping hard with the news <3

“You need to sleep now.” The Avatar of Sloth says as he stares at you, half-lidded eyes blinking in a hypnotising manner.

“Why are you in my bed?”

He shrugs, looking cosy as he wraps himself in the blanket that Thirteen had gifted you. Supposedly it was meant to ward off “demons” but it mustn’t be doing too much of a great job.

“Come here.” He demanded instead, blatantly ignoring you.

You sighed, depositing your textbooks on the bedside table before making your way over. The RAD exams have been taking a lot out of you, countless nights have been lost to the study tables in the library and around the HOL.

You sat at the edge of the bed, hesitant to get nearer.

“Don’t worry too much, I won’t do anything to you.” He lifts the blanket, motioning for you to come nearer. You let out a snort, thinking of a funny comment but it never made it out of your mouth.

“I still have a study session with Satan later.” You replied but scooched closer either way. Pulling your D.D.D. out of your pocket, you swiped on the screen.

“Let me set an alarm for ten minutes.”

Arms wrapped around you, pulling you down.

.

Yet, the next thing you knew, you could hear the crowings of the birds and your eyelids were heavy. Your body was heavy as you snuggled deeper into the warmth beside you.

…Crowings?

“Belphie, you little–” You stopped yourself in your tracks, taking in a deep breath. Wiping away at the corner of your mouth, you curled your fist tightly into a ball.

“Did you seriously use your power to make me sleep?” You were not going to jump to conclusions and violence was never the answer.

The peaceful sight of the lastborn snoring normally would soothe your soul but all you felt was pure wrath. The little freak was still dozing off so you used the bottom of your fist to smash into the top of his head.

Distantly, you hope it hurt.

He let out a small grunt, holding onto your fist as you tried to wiggle out of his grasp.

Stupid demons and their strength.

“Great nap?” He asked, giving you a shit-eating grin as he continued to stretch while wrapping his hands around yours. The bottom of his shirt lifted up and you couldn't help but steal a peek. When your eyes flicked back up, he continued to arch an eyebrow. You swear if he was in his demon form, you just know that his tail would be swishing right in your face.

“Yeah, how did you know?” You hissed out, finally wrenching your hand out. With a shake to gain back feelings in your hand, you patted around the bed to look for your D.D.D.

“I’ve let Satan know that you weren’t coming.” He continues, propping himself up to look at you. You carefully shifted his bangs to push them behind his ears. “Aren’t you glad I did it?”

You rolled your eyes.

“You’re just saving your ass.” You flicked his forehead, after finally locating your D.D.D under your pillow. “He would have trashed this room if he found out that I skipped because I was napping with you.”

He tilts his head, staring at you with that calculated expression that you both hated and loved. He gestured for you to look at the object in your hand.

satan: Let’s meet in the living room at about 8.

You: sorry i wont be comin later! im going to revise on my own :>

satan: Are you sure? Didn’t you need help which was why you asked for me?

You: yeah! had a change of mind :p

satan: …Which brother is this?

You: it’s me!

satan: Is this Belphie?

You paused.

“Did you actually leave him on read?” You snickered, holding up a hand to muffle the sound. Suddenly serious, you turn to pin him with a scared look. “Wait, how is my room still intact?”

He laughs, pointing to the door.

You had a horrendous premonition, inching closer to the door. Thankfully, you swung it inwards otherwise, you would hate to wonder what would have been the fate of the Avatar of Wrath.

“I can’t believe it.”

Satan was slumped against the wall, still in his demon form. His hands were raised up as if it was ready to knock at the door.

“Oh my–”

You cleared your throat, lowering your volume.

“You put him to sleep too?” You whispered though it was bordering on a shout. Lifting an arm up, you noticed that he was still limp to the touch. If it wasn't for the fact that you could still see his chest rise up and down, you would have been worried about Belphie's ever-growing list of crimes. 

Totally knocked out.

You suddenly had a headache.

“What am I going to do with you?”

Belphie just continues to grin, burrowing himself further into the blanket.

[xxhisgirlxx]

JJs Girl

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Warnings: 18+ only, smut, p in v sex, protected sex, tit play, established relationship, fluffy

“you coming fishing?” John B asks JJ, slapping him on the shoulder, not even waiting for an answer before he begins pulling him along.

“baby-” JJ looks to you, and you quickly fix your face, a smile spreading over your features. 

“go ahead.” you encourage him. “ive got some cleaning to do around the house anyways.” you shrug

JJ frowns. you should have known better than to attempt to hide your emotions from him, he sees so easily through you. “sorry, JB.” he steps out of his friends hold. “im staying home with y/n.”

John B sighs dramatically, tipping his head back. “fine!” he leaves the patio, grumbling something about all of his friends having girlfriends and leaving him behind.

“you can go, i don't mind.” you say softly as JJ sits down on the sofa next to you.

“nope.” he shakes his head. “need some alone time with my pretty girl.” 

you feel your cheeks heat up as he pulls you into his side, kisses being pressed against your head. despite dating for almost a year now, JJ never fails to make you blush.

“i missed you.” you coo out, snuggling into his chest.

“yeah?” he smirks down at you. “even though it was literally less than 24 hours since i saw you last?”

“ugh, still too long.” you roll your eyes, even though you're happy JJ got to spend some time with his friends, a boys night only at the chalet.

“so what cleaning do you have to do? i can help.”

“baby, i was just making something up so you wouldn't feel bad.” you giggle. “i mean, i do have laundry to put away but…”

“but you'd rather do something else?” JJ questions.

“mhm…” you stand up slowly, hand squeezing around JJ as you pull him inside, walking him towards your room.

“so this is what you meant by missing me?” JJ laughs, shutting and locking the door behind you even though no one is home.

“hey.” you pout. “i missed you and i missed you.”

“aw, babygirl.” JJ laughs gently, cupping your cheeks and pulling you into a kiss. you're instantly lost in his lips, not even realizing that JJ had moved you further into the room until he's laying you down onto your bed.

“JJ…” you whisper. “please.”

“i got you, baby.” he keeps his voice soft and soothing as he kisses you again, allowing you to focus on the kiss as his hands trail over your body, running his fingertips down your arms and cupping your waist, anything to touch you.

“will you-” you begin before suddenly feeling shy when JJ looks down at you.

“will i what?” a smile spreads across his face. he loves when you ask him specifically for what you want, instead of just letting him take the lead and do whatever he pleases, having to guess what feels best for you.

“um…” you cover your face with your hands, only getting the confidence to say anything when you don't have to look JJ in the eye. “play with my chest.”

you can't get the actual words out. breasts, boobs, tits, whatever you want to call them, and you have to settle for chest as it's the least embarrassing

“hell yeah.” JJ let's his excitement slip before calming himself, knowing how much his energy effects you.

JJs large hands cup over your chest, rubbing at your breasts through your tank top and bra. JJ kisses you again, but keeps them light so you can really pay attention to his palms rubbing against your nipples.

“can i take this off?” JJ asks, hands moving down your stomach and disappearing underneath the hem of your shirt.

“yeah.” you nod, sitting up to allow him to pull the fabric away, leaving you in just a bra. JJ has seen you naked many times before, but every time feels new and intimate with how gentle and caring he is...on occasion.

JJ reaches behind your back and unclips your bra after struggling with the clasp for a second, but he doesn't instantly pull it away.

He starts with the straps, slowly guiding them down your shoulders as his mouth follows with kisses, spreading goosebumps along your arms.

“JJ.” you whimper out, a plea for more.

“mhm.” he hums, understanding what you're asking for as he pulls the cups down, revealing your already hard nipples.

he doesn't even wait to get your bra all the way off before his mouth latches onto your skin, tongue briefly flicking over your nipple before his plush lips wrap around the bud with a soft suck.

your hands come to his messy dirty blonde hair, scrunching it between your fingers as he plays with your chest using his mouth, switching back and forth to give each side equal attention.

“does that feel good?” he asks, a smile on his face. it's a rhetorical question, if the moans didn't tell him, then the blissed out look on your face would.

JJs goes back to sucking on your nipple, one of his hands cupping your other breast, thumb swiping over your nipple as his other hand skirts down your stomach.

you feel your breath suck in before you even realize as he passes over the button on your shorts and delves right between your legs, cupping your pussy through the fabric.

“oh, god!” you squeal out. “JJ!”

you can feel his smile against your chest as he rubs his fingers into you, pushing your already wet underwear against your cunt, focusing in on where he knows your clit is, having memorized your entire body from head to toe.

“i need you.” you whine. “come on, please.”

JJ looks up at you, his gaze heated as his hand continues to rub against your core. “need me where?”

“need you…” you whisper out. “need you to fuck me.”

“that's my girl.” JJ leans in and gives you a kiss. he always tries to encourage you when you manage to use your words.

JJ moves so he's kneeling between your spread thighs. the first thing he does is rip his shirt off, and you ignore the urge to reach up and rub your hands against his defined muscles.

“my handsome man.” you smile up at him, love so evident in your eyes, echoing the words he always says to you.

“love you.” JJ knows his cock is straining against his shorts, and you are beyond desperate for him, but he still pauses to lean down and give you yet another kiss.

“love you too.” you coo back. it hasn't been all that long since you've made that declaration to each other, so the words still feel exciting every time they're said.

JJs hands focus in on the zipper and buttons of your shorts, quickly undoing them to slide the jeans off your legs as he tosses them away. 

you smile shyly as he begins to focus on getting himself the rest of the way undressed as you slip your underwear off and let them fall off the bed as you splay out.

“look at you.” JJ coos, making sure to get the condom out of his pocket. despite you being on birth control, you're always extra cautious, way too young and responsible to get pregnant.

"come on.” you giggle, impatient, as he takes the condom and rips the foil, spreading the rubber over his length.

“kay, ready.” JJ gets himself into position, holding himself up over top of you as he lines his cock up with your entrance.

you take a deep breath to relax your body as he pushes inside, making sure to go extra slow to allow you to adjust.

“f-fuck.” you whine, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, pulling him further into you as JJs hips press all the way forward, cock buried inside of you.

“give me a minute.” you hum, shifting your hips from side to side. JJ distracts himself with kissing along your jaw and neck until you give him a nod, a signal that it's alright to move.

“mmm.” you hum out, unable to actually form words in response.

“feel so good baby.” JJ groans out, keeping his thrusts slow and steady at first.

JJ back arches as he ducks his head to wrap his mouth around your nipple again, sucking as his hips slowly increase in pace.

you moan out, arms pressing him closer into your chest, encouragement to continue as he pumps into you, knowing neither of you can last that long.

“so warm and wet for me baby.” JJ praises you, switching to the other side of your chest as the wet squelching sound spreads over the room with every movement of his cock.

“only for you.” you smile softly, glad when JJ lifts his head to press a kiss against your lips. 

“love you, love you, love you.” JJ says, forever the soft and sweet boyfriend that you fell so deeply for.

“cum for me.” he urges you, shifting his weight to one arm to allow his other hand to drop, rubbing circles over your clit.

“oh my god!” you squeal out, head tilting back, pressing into the pillow as his fingertips work against your bud, having figured out just what you like and what touches get you there fastest.

“fuck, can feel you clenching around me.” JJ gasps, hips moving faster, fucking into you with a fury that you know means he's going to cum soon.

“i-i-” you try to warn JJ, but the words dissolve into moans as your orgasm hits you, high washing over your body as your legs shake, the tightening of your pussy causing pope to cum as well, pushing his hips forward to cum as deeply inside of you as possible, even if he is sheathed with a condom.

“fuck! baby!” JJ shouts out, a few final thrusts before he pulls out, collapsing against the bed next to you.

“oh my god.” you giggle, legs snapping closed to cover the mess between your thighs as your hands come to your face, hiding your bright red cheeks from JJ.

“you're so cute.” JJ kisses over top of your hands before standing up and heading to the bathroom to discard his condom, coming back with a warm wet washcloth.

you keep your face covered as he cleans you up, always feeling a little shy right after sex.

"hey.” JJ pokes you.

You put your hands down, a soft smile on your face as he hands you your clothes to put back on. despite knowing no one will be home for many more hours, you don't like to risk getting caught by hanging around naked.

you both get dressed quickly before you wrap your arms around JJs shoulders, tucking your head into his neck.

“thank you.” you whisper. “that was really, really, really, good.”

“always happy to help.” JJ laughs, reaching down to pick you up, your legs wrapping around his waist as he carries you through the house, back towards the patio to continue relaxing.

“ah, so that's why you didn't go fishing.”

“John B!” you squeal, jumping out of JJs arms.

“what? Pope was busy with Cleo so I came back here. y'all are loud by the way.” John B shrugs.

"dude, im going to kill you.” JJ says, rushing after John B as your laughter spreads throughout the backyard, watching your boyfriend chase his friend through the grass

[cerealmonster15]

walks into the function wearing a tshirt that says ASK ME ABOUT MY TOXIC THIRD YEARS POLYCULE HEADCANONS

this map has been stewing in my mind for years i think and i finally wrote it down in the illegible spaghetti way that i always do let's GO

lilia is not in the polycule he's just playing his own game of collecting sons. everyone is his son. he's also going to watch the drama because who doesn't love a soap opera playing out in real life he's got front row seats to the divorce vortex.

cater/trey/rook/vil are the ultimate four way polycule but also oh god theres so much going on there.

cater and trey are a ride or die duo but also trey knows cater sometimes isnt completely open with him but trey has a very passive nature to him as we've seen in book 1 and when he mentions cater's wish to himself in the starsending event... but theyre still close and care for each other a lot and i will die defending them if i have to fjdklsjfds

rook and vil oh my god rook and vil. they are so married. and so dramatic. and so. sdkfjsdkljf a little divorced because rook is also in love with the biggest rival of vils life but that is NOT enough to break their marriage. love finds a way. somehow. fdskjfjksdlg

^ i could go much more into both those duos but we simply. we dont have time we are moving along we are walking

rook and trey beloved science weirdos oh my god every time theyre on screen together theyre so funny. i love odd friendships. science marriage real.

cater canonically flirted with vil even tho it got somewhat censored in engtwst and was partially probably for clout reasons HOWEVER, to ME it's also for bisexual reasons. vil is canonically very pretty and caters like yeah 🧡🧡🧡 vil can see through when cater's being more superficial BUT ALSO they have genuine moments of getting along!!! like in events, beanfest 2 and the puppet one that's not out in eng yet. no spoilers here but there is a bit in puppet event that has me so vindicated on how they really do work well together and respect each other!!!!!!! into the polycule you go.

vil and trey,,, gestures to vil's lab coat story klsdjflksd they get along and it's cute. everybody loves trey.

even leona wants trey in the divorce polycule. no spoilers but please see playful land puppet event / leona's card vignette for that event. and also i think treys platinum birthday card story sljdflksdjf

the extreme difference between how malleus reacts to cater bothering him vs rook bothering him or even just Talking To Lilia is so funny. like he gets along with rook sometimes but in those two pe scenes hes SO aggro he wants that twink OBLITERATED he is going to KILL ROOK HUNT. but he will play tag with cater :^)

leona is the king of divorce. he is divorced to everyone he touches . he invented divorce. he's turbo divorced with vil and malleus because he and vil are just sooooooo. fsdkjfskdlg when therye on screen together it's like passive aggressive but mostly just aggressive bitching and bullying. theyre so funny. they have this energy of like "we have Tension but also i am going to kill you. i begrudgingly respect your abilities but i will only say so with layered insults." like the way vil says "so leona's got a pretty face but that's ALL he has going for him" like. multiple times. why does he keep doing that.

and then whatever he has going on with malleus is so funny. like malleus seems like hes a smug little bitch having fun with the banter [again he wants to Destroy Rook in those PE stories, but leona's blatant insults i feel like he's more teehee you stupid bitch >:)] and leona's just so pissed mad angry forever he's like no i need this dragon fucker DEAD for EXISTING !!! but i think malleus' having fun with the fellow teen experience of stupid razzing

leona and cater are giving me subtle divorced vibes in that one scene in book 2. listen. i have headcanons. ive talked about it. moving on 🚶

rook. leona. i feel i do not need to elaborate jfklsjfkljsekljfkl

idia is so funny. why are his opinions about everyone around him either "oh god hes ultra tier scary" or "he's so sparkly dazzling handsome beautiful". he does this often with no filter and it's so funny. i like that he and leona played chess for like hours or whatever in that one birthday vignette but i forget which one lol i think it was idia's union bday or something

do i have more to say. ive been thinking about them for hours and also years. i can and will talk about them forever i think they are So funny. this is just a messy summary of it all i'm barely scratching the surface i simply cannot go into full detail or this post will Never End GOODBYE!!!!

[themintman]

My opinions on some ships and characters 😼😼😼

Ill explain some stuff in the tags if yall are curious hehe ALSO IN THE REBLOGS. TUMBLR SILENCED ME 😔💔

Template by @stervil !!!

[cxsmicvega]

"omg no ones gonna want you you have a personality disorder and no one wants that mimimi"

im flirting with a super hot trans girl in my dms while on call with my boyfriend whos so devoted to me we have frequent talks about the best course of action to get me on track to a stable life for my own benefit + the bonus of visiting him semi-frequently

When you put in the work to get better, shocker, people notice and find it admirable. You're doing fine babe I promise someone sees the work you do and adores you. If you don't think so, it'll be me. I will adore you for the work you put in. You are lovable with your disorders, not bc of them or despite them, but with them.

You are lovable with them.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

(OLD OC SKETCHES) Meet Sunnabelle Von Sunnoviche, final daughter of the Sunnoviche family. Peeking from behind a window, she witnessed a wizards final spell, one that reduced the world to a wasteland. Her noble blood damned her to [HELL], but unwanting to suffer with her family, she made a deal with the devil. She now hunts in his name. The top of her head was taken by the blast on that day. The fires of her spirit have boiled her blood into a super-heated plasma.

[thesupernaturalhouse]

Oh god, @carpp art has- damn it-

Okoooo-kay, I thought of this- but au where- au where Sera and Lucifer switched places- so theres a different time line and stuff-

Woukd lilith leave in this au?? Probably but also I don't really want her to so- tech- technicalities it's fine I'll figure that all out later-

Uhhh nit really a side note but I do think Emily and sera aren't like, blood sisters, but they call eachother sisters because their both seraphms and sera raised her in canon right? So in this au Lucifer and Emily would be brother/sister because he raised her and is also a seraphim so-

I think he and Emily would be around the same height, Lucifer being taller by a inche or 2 though. Idk, it's like, 2 am and I should really go to sleep-

[askgametime]

🐜 Recommend a fic that makes you laugh! A crack fic, or something that's just really funny!

okay, i actually generally don't answer asks on this blog, i create/reblog ask games to be used by others since i'm not really open for prompts right now and this blog isn't fandom specific. however, i guess i could provide a rec/recs, but since there's no fandom listed it will be random. and since i don't normally do these i'm going all out with a really detailed answer.

...alright, briefly traversed my bookmarks for fics i remembered being hilarious, and ironically, this is not at all indicative of the fandoms i spend the most time reading in, especially like, currently, but it's a small variety and they were all memorably hilarious so:

still alive but i’m bearly breathing by thessalonike (starblessed) / @julies-butterflies

Fandom: Julie and the Phantoms; Rating: T; Categories: Gen, M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

So, Julie's got a possessed teddy bear. “It was just a flash of light, like a lava lamp exploded, and then, whoomph —“ Reggie mimes what, presumably, is a person getting sucked into a stuffed animal’s body. It involves a lot of flailing, a weird mermaid wiggle, and a moonwalk. “Alex was a bear.” CAN WE PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT, sings Alex — or Bearlex — into his plush microphone, with his tiny robotic voice. The sound box inside of the bear isn’t designed for speaking, only warbling… so every time Alex has something to say, he sounds like robot Freddie Mercury attempting karaoke. ALEX IS NOT A BEAR. ALEX IS INSIDE A BEAR. IT’S DIFFERENT. “Yeah, man, it sounds worse.”

Rec Notes: This one makes me cry laughing. Every single time. It's so funny. I believe after I watched JATP and binged a bunch of fics I read every single one of this person's works and they were all great. God, I need to rewatch that show, it's been a hot second.

Smoke Break by OrangeGaytor

Fandom: Disco Elysium; Rating: M; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Shivers– Miles away, a young teenager takes his first ever hit of a joint. He inhales too deeply, and spit flies from his lips as he falls into a coughing fit. Pitifully, his friend pats him on the back, an embarrassed grimace on his face. Just as far away, a woman is locked to her couch, paralyzed by the 10 mg edible she took an hour and a half ago. The recommended dosage was half of a gummy, and yet, the chemicals overpower her, merging her into the cushions. Time passes as a dripping faucet, inconsistent, and runny. And here, in Martinese, a police officer has rolled the worst blunt known to all mankind. 

Rec Notes: Great grasp of game's format/feel, incredibly funny. I just love how it's worded. The summary is a great example--the pacing and punchline is just. chef's kiss.

No Speak, Only Batman by hitthedeck

Fandom: DC/Batman/Justice League; Rating: G; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1) (Part 5 of a series of oneshots)

Batman doesn't use words, those prehistoric, plebian things. Instead, he stares deeply into your eyes, waits for you to absorb his meaning, and leaves. Either that or he fights it out like a normal person. Or, in which Batman's unique communication style is spectacularly unhelpful.

Rec Notes: I don't even go here, but Batman produces so many excellent, excellent crack fics. This is one of the best. Honestly, this whole series is completely iconic. Please read them all.

Filet-O-Fish by moopyjoopy

Fandom: The Magnus Archives; Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Someone throws a Filet-O-Fish at Jon’s front door. Paranoia ensues. (rated teen for a few swears)

Rec Notes: Okay, I'm really not gonna have a lot to say for any of these other than "help please they're so fucking funny" but I cannot impress on you enough they truly are all so fucking funny. I don't even really go here, either and YET. Also, I just love this author. Master of humor, truly.

œuf ouch owie by miraculousunflower (ominousunflower)

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug; Rating: T; Category: F/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Chat Noir enlists Rena Rouge's help to create an Aspik illusion. Absolutely nothing goes wrong. Ladybug smiles. “I wanted to drop by and welcome Aspik. I know it must be a little intimidating, being surrounded by so many veteran heroes…so, welcome! We’re glad to have you on board.” “I look like an egg!” Aspik announces, T-posing. Chat turns to Rena, feeling like he has been punched in the solar plexus. What the hell? he mouths. Rena grimaces, her eyes wide with panic. Stomach sinking, Chat remembers one of the first things he learned about the Fox Miraculous: that if Rena Rouge isn’t focused, her illusions go haywire. Oh, no.

Rec List: cannot emphasize enough this one makes me cry laughing every time. I don't know what it is, man. It's just so fucking funny. I haven't watched this show in years and still I go back and reread this when I remember it exists.

Sam Green and the Strange, Perplexing, Almost Bad, Very Confusing Night(s) by pukner

Fandom: Stranger Things; Rating: G; Category: Gen, M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - WIP (1/2)

"'M I bein' kidnapped?" asked Harrington. "What," said Sam, alarmed, "No!" "Okay," said Harrington with terrifying agreeability, considering the words he was saying, "But like. If you were? It's cool, I've been kidnapped before." "Wh—" "It was, uh. A bunch of twelve-year-olds," said Harrington, sounding strangely pensive. Then, sadly, "They stole B'lly's car." Sam actually could not process anything being said right then. He started the car. "Hey, Harrington?" he said, voice strained. "Yeah?" "Let's stop talking for a while, yeah?" "'Kay." Or, in November 1984, Sam Green (or Freak, if he's at a gig) sees Steve Harrington stumbling home looking like roadkill. He drives him to the hospital, and never quite manages to get rid of him. In July 1985, Eddie Munson is very confused about this.

Rec Notes: Every work by this author is so, so good. I don't even go here--god, why is that a pattern on this list?--but I'm always excited to see them in my inbox. I only chose this particular one (a) by virtue of it being the most recent and therefore the one I remembered best and (b) Mall Goop.

The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Epistolary Bullying Campaign by viramine / @mvshortcut

Fandom: The Mysterious Benedict Society; Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

"To LD Curtain (I refuse to believe you actually earned your doctorate): When I opened the newspaper over my nutritious breakfast this morning, I was greeted by the most terrible and disgusting sight in the world (your face). Now I am going to take several moments of your time to express my displeasure." Or, how did Curtain know they called themselves the Society, anyway?

Rec Notes: Iconic as fucking always. Top-tier author, top-tier comedy; have my hand in marriage, etc. Constance terrorizing Curtain is always wonderful but this is probably the best version of that. Great characterization, deeply hilarious and so so funny, always worth rereading over and over. The best, ♾️/10 stars

Geoffrey M'Benga: Vulcan (Love??) Guru by WerewolvesAreReal

Fandom: Star Trek (TOS); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Post-Amok Time. “The only conclusion M'Benga can draw, based on all McCoy's questions about Vulcans, is that the man is enamored with Commander Spock. Someone should really tell him that pigtail-pulling stops being cute when you're eight.” Misunderstandings, genfic, humor.

Rec Note: Yet another author I always and without fail am absolutely thrilled to see in my inbox. And this fic? Regular reread. Absolutely incredible.

A dis-ass-ter by normal_thoughts_official / @normal-thoughts-official

Fandom: Shadowhunters; Rating: M; Category: F/F, M/M, Multi, Other - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Simon and Maia find out what the Mark of Cain is in an... Alternate way. Namely, they can't get their spanking session on. The squad is called in to help.

Rec Notes: [announcer voice] FROM WRITING GENIUS NORMAL-THOUGHTS-OFFICIAL IT'S!!!! THE POLYCULE SPANKING ASS PORTAL FIC!!!! Truly so funny and from one of the best authors on this damn site, wonderful characterization, on point comedy, and impeccable taste as always. Blowing you a kiss. Tossing bouquets. Firing confetti cannons. Etc.

A Way Things Should Be by LullabyKnell / @lullabyknell

Fandom: The Hobbit (Movies); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (16/16)

In the Shire, hobbits say, "What lovely weather we've having." They also stir their teacups for four and a half clockwise rotations, place their left elbow seven-eighths down the way of the arm rest, and sniffled pointedly, which roughly translates to: "This tea is over-steeped and bland, your furniture is both uncomfortable and horrifically tasteless, and you're a twit of a host." And I think that's beautiful. ~ Hobbitish is a language of manners and etiquette, the dwarves don't even know that Hobbitish is a thing, and Bilbo is trying to keep a straight face and his peace of mind while the Company unintentionally keeps sexually propositioning him and challenging him to pie-eating contests to the death. ~ Actions speak so much louder than words.

Rec Notes: Truly a stunning fic. An absolute masterpiece. Hilarious, touching, perfectly paced. Incredibly long and well-thought out, great characterization, and again, I cannot stress this enough, hilarious. I once recommended this to a person out loud irl in real life on purpose. A person who had never heard of fanfiction. Admittedly I was a high-schooler at the time, so it's not like I had much sense (not that I have any now), but I still didn't normally do that. He thought it was hilarious, by the way. Read some excerpts out loud at lunch and had them howling. Wonderful fic, cannot recommend enough; so fucking funny and the premise is just. so good.

--- --- --- ---

And now, because I'm selfish, here's a few crack fics I wrote, because. why not, am I right? I'm already putting way too much time into this probably.

-- -- -- -- --

Rupert Mannion Is Batman (He Isn't)

Fandom: Ted Lasso; Rating: M; Category: M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (13/13)

A series of bizarre, loosely related events occur, all kicked off by Trent absently mentioning that he may or may not have once hooked up with Rupert Mannion.

Author Note: I had so much fun with this one. It's not my most popular crack fic--even my most popular Ted Lasso crack fic--but it amuses me.

dreams of falling

Fandom: House MD; Rating: M; Category: M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

House and, among other things: green couches, being kissed by Wilson, lightning-fast overthinking, and talking to himself.

Author Note: My first time writing House, and entirely on an impulse. I really like some of the lines in here, like Chase's brief appearance.

gemini schmemini

Fandom: The Mysterious Benedict Society (TV); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

"You're his clone?" demanded Kate loudly, looking between Mr. Benedict and Curtain. His what. There were a lot of answers he could give to this. No, who in the world told you that, we're twins, being the main one, or perhaps he could just turn to his brother and say, did you seriously fucking tell people you cloned yourself instead of owning up to not being an only child?! But looking at his brother, who was keeping his face utterly blank, Nicholas made a split second decision. "No," he said, looking his brother directly in the eyes, "Actually, he's my clone."

Author Note: I had a harder time choosing between my MBS crack fics because I think they're all hilarious. No false modesty here, if there's one thing I am occasionally good at it is being funny as fuck. Not reliably, but, you know. Anyway, I asked my friends to choose between three random ones I think are the funniest and this was the unanimous (of the two people that responded on incredibly short notice) vote!

And now...

[glassjoe]

im a tad annoyed that the punch out "all animation" compilations do not, in fact, have all the animations. (and voiceline comps dont have all the voicelines but thats another thing)

like. okay. with exceptions, and excluding non-bout animations, pretty much every boxer had at LEAST:

idle animation

generic being punched animations

blocking low and high punches

uninterruped dizzy animation

punched while dizzy

throwing a punch and it landing

their punch being dodged

their punch being dodged then countered (maybe? i cant tell if it is a diff anim either way the comps never let the dodge animation play out)

their punch being blocked (if a punch can be blocked it has a diff animation to being dodged and no one shows it it drives me insane)

getting knocked down depending on jab or uppercut

attempting to get up but failing (only some have this but still theyre never in comps)

getting up

taunts

the ko/tko knockouts (not like anyone forgets these ones)

star punch reaction

dodging a star punch

like yeah its a lot of work but is that not the point of a comp ??? i appreciate the work that goes into the yt vids genuinely but like. 👁 👁

[squuote]

my narrator could definitely look more human or even have a full stylized human look but I think he would hate the idea of looking fully human to any extent. even his humanoid form would originally leave such a distaste for him because the feeling of control resides in not being the human, the player, but instead being the narrative. so it’s more of a ‘I would never stoop to being human to any extent because they are weak and powerless things that barely have any agency for themselves’ kind of thinking that only a certain button could break him out of that line of thinking

[vanibear]

skitters around like a beast. Hii ❤️ok im going 2 go ramble in the tags now👍

[rubiesintherough]

.

[stargatebarbie]

how come i got the flavour of autism that makes me want to make spreadsheets of actors who appear in both the cws hit tv show supernatural and the stargate franchise rather than like good at complex math autism