#you could try sending more of these if you want yall but i dont know a LOT of fandoms/dont read for a lot of fandoms + am familiar enough to

[askgametime]

🐜 Recommend a fic that makes you laugh! A crack fic, or something that's just really funny!

okay, i actually generally don't answer asks on this blog, i create/reblog ask games to be used by others since i'm not really open for prompts right now and this blog isn't fandom specific. however, i guess i could provide a rec/recs, but since there's no fandom listed it will be random. and since i don't normally do these i'm going all out with a really detailed answer.

...alright, briefly traversed my bookmarks for fics i remembered being hilarious, and ironically, this is not at all indicative of the fandoms i spend the most time reading in, especially like, currently, but it's a small variety and they were all memorably hilarious so:

still alive but i’m bearly breathing by thessalonike (starblessed) / @julies-butterflies

Fandom: Julie and the Phantoms; Rating: T; Categories: Gen, M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

So, Julie's got a possessed teddy bear. “It was just a flash of light, like a lava lamp exploded, and then, whoomph —“ Reggie mimes what, presumably, is a person getting sucked into a stuffed animal’s body. It involves a lot of flailing, a weird mermaid wiggle, and a moonwalk. “Alex was a bear.” CAN WE PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT, sings Alex — or Bearlex — into his plush microphone, with his tiny robotic voice. The sound box inside of the bear isn’t designed for speaking, only warbling… so every time Alex has something to say, he sounds like robot Freddie Mercury attempting karaoke. ALEX IS NOT A BEAR. ALEX IS INSIDE A BEAR. IT’S DIFFERENT. “Yeah, man, it sounds worse.”

Rec Notes: This one makes me cry laughing. Every single time. It's so funny. I believe after I watched JATP and binged a bunch of fics I read every single one of this person's works and they were all great. God, I need to rewatch that show, it's been a hot second.

Smoke Break by OrangeGaytor

Fandom: Disco Elysium; Rating: M; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Shivers– Miles away, a young teenager takes his first ever hit of a joint. He inhales too deeply, and spit flies from his lips as he falls into a coughing fit. Pitifully, his friend pats him on the back, an embarrassed grimace on his face. Just as far away, a woman is locked to her couch, paralyzed by the 10 mg edible she took an hour and a half ago. The recommended dosage was half of a gummy, and yet, the chemicals overpower her, merging her into the cushions. Time passes as a dripping faucet, inconsistent, and runny. And here, in Martinese, a police officer has rolled the worst blunt known to all mankind. 

Rec Notes: Great grasp of game's format/feel, incredibly funny. I just love how it's worded. The summary is a great example--the pacing and punchline is just. chef's kiss.

No Speak, Only Batman by hitthedeck

Fandom: DC/Batman/Justice League; Rating: G; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1) (Part 5 of a series of oneshots)

Batman doesn't use words, those prehistoric, plebian things. Instead, he stares deeply into your eyes, waits for you to absorb his meaning, and leaves. Either that or he fights it out like a normal person. Or, in which Batman's unique communication style is spectacularly unhelpful.

Rec Notes: I don't even go here, but Batman produces so many excellent, excellent crack fics. This is one of the best. Honestly, this whole series is completely iconic. Please read them all.

Filet-O-Fish by moopyjoopy

Fandom: The Magnus Archives; Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Someone throws a Filet-O-Fish at Jon’s front door. Paranoia ensues. (rated teen for a few swears)

Rec Notes: Okay, I'm really not gonna have a lot to say for any of these other than "help please they're so fucking funny" but I cannot impress on you enough they truly are all so fucking funny. I don't even really go here, either and YET. Also, I just love this author. Master of humor, truly.

œuf ouch owie by miraculousunflower (ominousunflower)

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug; Rating: T; Category: F/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Chat Noir enlists Rena Rouge's help to create an Aspik illusion. Absolutely nothing goes wrong. Ladybug smiles. “I wanted to drop by and welcome Aspik. I know it must be a little intimidating, being surrounded by so many veteran heroes…so, welcome! We’re glad to have you on board.” “I look like an egg!” Aspik announces, T-posing. Chat turns to Rena, feeling like he has been punched in the solar plexus. What the hell? he mouths. Rena grimaces, her eyes wide with panic. Stomach sinking, Chat remembers one of the first things he learned about the Fox Miraculous: that if Rena Rouge isn’t focused, her illusions go haywire. Oh, no.

Rec List: cannot emphasize enough this one makes me cry laughing every time. I don't know what it is, man. It's just so fucking funny. I haven't watched this show in years and still I go back and reread this when I remember it exists.

Sam Green and the Strange, Perplexing, Almost Bad, Very Confusing Night(s) by pukner

Fandom: Stranger Things; Rating: G; Category: Gen, M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - WIP (1/2)

"'M I bein' kidnapped?" asked Harrington. "What," said Sam, alarmed, "No!" "Okay," said Harrington with terrifying agreeability, considering the words he was saying, "But like. If you were? It's cool, I've been kidnapped before." "Wh—" "It was, uh. A bunch of twelve-year-olds," said Harrington, sounding strangely pensive. Then, sadly, "They stole B'lly's car." Sam actually could not process anything being said right then. He started the car. "Hey, Harrington?" he said, voice strained. "Yeah?" "Let's stop talking for a while, yeah?" "'Kay." Or, in November 1984, Sam Green (or Freak, if he's at a gig) sees Steve Harrington stumbling home looking like roadkill. He drives him to the hospital, and never quite manages to get rid of him. In July 1985, Eddie Munson is very confused about this.

Rec Notes: Every work by this author is so, so good. I don't even go here--god, why is that a pattern on this list?--but I'm always excited to see them in my inbox. I only chose this particular one (a) by virtue of it being the most recent and therefore the one I remembered best and (b) Mall Goop.

The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Epistolary Bullying Campaign by viramine / @mvshortcut

Fandom: The Mysterious Benedict Society; Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

"To LD Curtain (I refuse to believe you actually earned your doctorate): When I opened the newspaper over my nutritious breakfast this morning, I was greeted by the most terrible and disgusting sight in the world (your face). Now I am going to take several moments of your time to express my displeasure." Or, how did Curtain know they called themselves the Society, anyway?

Rec Notes: Iconic as fucking always. Top-tier author, top-tier comedy; have my hand in marriage, etc. Constance terrorizing Curtain is always wonderful but this is probably the best version of that. Great characterization, deeply hilarious and so so funny, always worth rereading over and over. The best, ♾️/10 stars

Geoffrey M'Benga: Vulcan (Love??) Guru by WerewolvesAreReal

Fandom: Star Trek (TOS); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Post-Amok Time. “The only conclusion M'Benga can draw, based on all McCoy's questions about Vulcans, is that the man is enamored with Commander Spock. Someone should really tell him that pigtail-pulling stops being cute when you're eight.” Misunderstandings, genfic, humor.

Rec Note: Yet another author I always and without fail am absolutely thrilled to see in my inbox. And this fic? Regular reread. Absolutely incredible.

A dis-ass-ter by normal_thoughts_official / @normal-thoughts-official

Fandom: Shadowhunters; Rating: M; Category: F/F, M/M, Multi, Other - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

Simon and Maia find out what the Mark of Cain is in an... Alternate way. Namely, they can't get their spanking session on. The squad is called in to help.

Rec Notes: [announcer voice] FROM WRITING GENIUS NORMAL-THOUGHTS-OFFICIAL IT'S!!!! THE POLYCULE SPANKING ASS PORTAL FIC!!!! Truly so funny and from one of the best authors on this damn site, wonderful characterization, on point comedy, and impeccable taste as always. Blowing you a kiss. Tossing bouquets. Firing confetti cannons. Etc.

A Way Things Should Be by LullabyKnell / @lullabyknell

Fandom: The Hobbit (Movies); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (16/16)

In the Shire, hobbits say, "What lovely weather we've having." They also stir their teacups for four and a half clockwise rotations, place their left elbow seven-eighths down the way of the arm rest, and sniffled pointedly, which roughly translates to: "This tea is over-steeped and bland, your furniture is both uncomfortable and horrifically tasteless, and you're a twit of a host." And I think that's beautiful. ~ Hobbitish is a language of manners and etiquette, the dwarves don't even know that Hobbitish is a thing, and Bilbo is trying to keep a straight face and his peace of mind while the Company unintentionally keeps sexually propositioning him and challenging him to pie-eating contests to the death. ~ Actions speak so much louder than words.

Rec Notes: Truly a stunning fic. An absolute masterpiece. Hilarious, touching, perfectly paced. Incredibly long and well-thought out, great characterization, and again, I cannot stress this enough, hilarious. I once recommended this to a person out loud irl in real life on purpose. A person who had never heard of fanfiction. Admittedly I was a high-schooler at the time, so it's not like I had much sense (not that I have any now), but I still didn't normally do that. He thought it was hilarious, by the way. Read some excerpts out loud at lunch and had them howling. Wonderful fic, cannot recommend enough; so fucking funny and the premise is just. so good.

--- --- --- ---

And now, because I'm selfish, here's a few crack fics I wrote, because. why not, am I right? I'm already putting way too much time into this probably.

-- -- -- -- --

Rupert Mannion Is Batman (He Isn't)

Fandom: Ted Lasso; Rating: M; Category: M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (13/13)

A series of bizarre, loosely related events occur, all kicked off by Trent absently mentioning that he may or may not have once hooked up with Rupert Mannion.

Author Note: I had so much fun with this one. It's not my most popular crack fic--even my most popular Ted Lasso crack fic--but it amuses me.

dreams of falling

Fandom: House MD; Rating: M; Category: M/M - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

House and, among other things: green couches, being kissed by Wilson, lightning-fast overthinking, and talking to himself.

Author Note: My first time writing House, and entirely on an impulse. I really like some of the lines in here, like Chase's brief appearance.

gemini schmemini

Fandom: The Mysterious Benedict Society (TV); Rating: T; Category: Gen - No Archive Warnings Apply - Complete (1/1)

"You're his clone?" demanded Kate loudly, looking between Mr. Benedict and Curtain. His what. There were a lot of answers he could give to this. No, who in the world told you that, we're twins, being the main one, or perhaps he could just turn to his brother and say, did you seriously fucking tell people you cloned yourself instead of owning up to not being an only child?! But looking at his brother, who was keeping his face utterly blank, Nicholas made a split second decision. "No," he said, looking his brother directly in the eyes, "Actually, he's my clone."

Author Note: I had a harder time choosing between my MBS crack fics because I think they're all hilarious. No false modesty here, if there's one thing I am occasionally good at it is being funny as fuck. Not reliably, but, you know. Anyway, I asked my friends to choose between three random ones I think are the funniest and this was the unanimous (of the two people that responded on incredibly short notice) vote!

And now...

[d3stinyist1red]

GIRLIE, YANDERE OLDER MAFIA BOSS!!(TAKE YOUR TIME IF YOU HAVE OTHER REQUESTSSSS!!💗)

ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ᴍᴀғɪᴀ ʙᴏss x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

yan mafia boss who you work under, with him being your boss and your his right hand woman

yan mafia boss who treats you like you own him, following with whatever you say

yan mafia boss who doesnt like any medics touching him, wanting you to be one treating him

The medic was standing in front of him, clearly fearful for her life bc the man in front of her could kill her if she did the slight mistake. She tried to pat and help the wounds of the Mafia boss who smacked her hand away and huffed.

"Bring me my n/n, now." He said glaring at her as she quickly nodded, basically running to you. She told you about how he refused to let her help and touch him as you sighed. You rubbed your temple before nodding and smiling at her.

"Don't worry, Ill deal with him." You said politely, nodding at her before walking past her, going to the room where he was at. You opened the door and you saw the way his eyes lit up, and a grin landed on his usually nonchalant face. "Love!" He said, as you walked up to him.

"Why are always acting so stubborn to the medics? You know that they're there to help you, idiot." You said clearly irritated, making him pout and tilt his head. "But, I want you to help me!!...and have your hands all over my body..." He whined, grabbing your hand and resting it on his cheek, looking up at you with hearts in his eyes.

yan mafia boss who has to always be in constant contact with you

ʏ/ɴsᴅ𝟷ᴅɪᴄᴋʀɪᴅᴇʀ!

n/nnn

where are uuuuu

n/nnnnn

n/nnnn

...?

...

...

no reply?

Have other hoes?

YOU DO DONT YOU?!!!?!?!!?

i hate u.

You getting blocked.

dont talk to me. I know you hate me.

Okay, im going to kill my self.

...?

....

...

This is (yans name, yall could make sum up) cat, he just shot himself

do you love him

...

...?

baby you know that was all a prank

i love u

pls let me eat ur ass

i wanna slurp ur kitty so good that the only thing i could taste is u mami

(seen 1 min ago)

ʏ/ɴsᴅ𝟷ᴅɪᴄᴋʀɪᴅᴇʀ!

ur rlly gonna leave me on seen?

ur lucky i dont come and cream all over ur face rn

pls touch me

yan mafia boss who has his bodyguards protect you no matter where you go

"Okat sigma 1, hawk tuah, ohio go protect n/n, you better fucking protect her with your life, ya hear?!" He said to his bodygaurds aggressively, scowling them down as they shook in fear,....i think one of them peed their pants...erm!

yan mafia boss who is madly jealous, putting a bullet into anyone's head he sees as threat for your love.

yan mafia boss who when you arent around, he struggles to sleep. He tosses and turns, his mind racing with scenarios about what they might be doing or who they’re with. "is she with that ugly bitch from work again?! Is she with one of my bodyguards?! Is she cheating on me?!" He hiccuped through his sobs, biting on his nails, hair all messy from tossing and turning throughout his sleep

He often wakes up in a cold sweat, feeling empty without them next to him. If you spends the night somewhere else, he'll start spamming you on everything even roblox.. If you dont answer within 5 mins, he immediately sends his men to try to find you, and paces around his house, restless waiting for your reply. bruh u were js buying sum takis...

yan mafia boss who is your boss who favors you a little too much!!! <333

IM PROB GONNA UPDATE SOME MORE ON TUMBLR BUT IM STILL ON BREAK ON WATTPAD CUZ I LOST MY GOD DAMN PHONEEE

SORRY IF THIS IS SHORT I DIDNT RLLY KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR MAFIA BOSS YAN

[daisymbin]

promise me ice cream! - jeon wonwoo

warnings: slightly insecure wonwoo?

pairings: jeon wonwoo x reader

genre: drunk confessions, friends to ???

wc: 1.3k

a/n: I'm not quite sure what I did to deserve 223 of yall following me but thank you 🥺

drunken confessions series

check out my masterlist!

your best friend, wonwoo is sprawled on the bed, looking more like a puddle of drunk affection than his usual composed self. he's clinging onto you, he wedges your leg in between his own; hugging it like it was a bolster as his head rests on your lap as if it were a pillow, his arms wrapped around your leg, not wanting to let go as if it’s the only thing keeping him grounded. his gaze is hazy, eyes blinking slowly as he stares up at you, his lips curving into a drunken smile, “you're so pretty.” he says as you chuckle while you run your hands through his hair; messaging his head a little to relieve the potential headache.

“why'd you drink so much tonight?” you asked, “its not like you, you're not usually like this.” wonwoo lets out a deep sigh at your question, “you were talking to jun all night and…i dont know, i just didn't like it. i got jealous. it's like…you’ll never pick me.” he says with a pout, eyes closing shut. “jealous? of jun?” you frown, trying to make sense of his words. if only he knew, “don't be silly, you know i talk to jun all the time but you'll always be my best friend. there's nothing to be jealous about.” you reassured. “& i’ll always pick you.”

“you're breaking my heart.” wonwoo mumbles so soft, you almost would have missed it if it weren't for a drunk wonwoo clinging onto you for dear life, heightening all your senses & leaving your heart beating so fast. “what do you mean, wonwoo?” 

"you’re my favorite person," he says, his voice soft and slow, like he’s trying to convince himself of something. "i don’t know if i’ll ever be your favorite, but... you're my favorite." his hand gently strokes the inside of your thigh, sending shiver down your spine. his fingers light against your skin as if he’s trying to memorize the feeling of being this close.

you smile as you feel butterflies erupt in your stomach. you’re a little amused yet also, a little taken aback by the way he’s acting; he's never been like this. you gently run your fingers through his hair, trying to coax him to sleep even though you're sure he’s already half asleep. & maybe you're also just taking advantage of the situation and being a little selfish; having him like this.

"i’m just me," he continues, voice drowsy and laced with alcohol. "i’m just wonwoo, you know? just regular, plain ol' wonwoo. but you're... you're perfect. sparkly. i don’t even know why you ever looked my way years ago, let alone be friends with me.”

you laugh softly, but it’s mixed with a hint of sadness, wondering how he could ever think that about himself. "you’re not just wonwoo, you know that, right? you’re more than that."

wonwoo shakes his head, but his grip on your leg tightens. "no, no, no. i’m just me. i’m just wonwoo, and you’re... you’re so pretty and you're so kind. you're such a good person...so much better than I'll ever be. that's why you would never like someone like me."

his words sting more than they should, but you can tell he's too drunk to mean them fully, right? that's what you hoped for at least. you want to tell him how wrong he is, how much you care for him, but instead, you sit in the quiet, letting him speak his mind as he clings onto you, his drunken ramblings the only thing filling the space between you two.

after a moment, he sits up a little, his gaze suddenly lighting up with a burst of energy. "ice cream," he says, as if it’s the most important thing in the world right now. "we should go on an ice cream date. right now. let’s go."

you glance at him, blinking in surprise at the sudden contrast. it’s already past 4AM and he’s drunk, this is not the time for an ice cream run date. "wonwoo," you say softly, trying to get him to focus. "it’s really late. we’re not going for ice cream right now, okay?"

he looks up at you with wide, sad, hopeful eyes, and you can’t help but find it endearing, even if it’s a little ridiculous. "why not?" he asks, his pout deepening, and his grip on your leg tightening again as he drags himself impossibly closer to you. "i want to go on an ice cream date with you, please?” 

you laugh, though it's full of affection and fondness. "wonwoo, you’re drunk & it’s really late. we’re not going anywhere. you can’t go out for ice cream right now, I don't think you can even walk straight, did you forget how I had to haul you back here?"

he pouts even harder, his lower lip trembling slightly & he almost look as if he’s about to start crying any time as he sits back and crosses his arms, looking like a grumpy child. "but i want ice cream. now. i’m hungry."

you can’t help but smile at his stubbornness. "we’ll go tomorrow, okay?" you promise. "i’ll take you out on an ice cream date tomorrow. I'll even let you pick all the flavours you want, even if its 5 of them."

wonwoo tilts his head to the side, staring at you with a suspicious frown. "tomorrow? don’t lie…i’m only asking you now because… this is a dream, you wouldnt reject me in my dream, would you?" he asks, his voice filled with doubt. "because i know you won’t really take me for ice cream tomorrow when I wake up. you don’t like me like that. you’re just humoring me."

"wonwoo, i promise, tomorrow, we’ll get ice cream," you reassure him, your voice gentle and warm as you stroke his hair again, trying to comfort him.

but wonwoo still looks disappointed and doubtful, his shoulders slump. "tomorrow will never come. this is all a dream. you’ll wake up, and i’ll be... i’ll be just me. plain wonwoo. i won’t be good enough for you. you will never pick me.”

your heart aches at the way he’s talking. he doesn’t believe that you like him, doesn’t believe in this moment, in the promise of tomorrow. "wonwoo, i’m not going anywhere," you say, taking his hand in yours. "i'll be right here when you open your eyes when the sun rises & i'll tell you all the reasons why you're more than enough. i really do like you, I love you, and tomorrow, we’ll get ice cream. i promise."

he looks down at your hand, still not fully convinced. "promise?" he asks, his voice small and fragile.

"promise," you say firmly, hands finding his as you lock your pinky around his.

wonwoo hesitates for a moment, then sighs, his expression softening. "okay...okay," he murmurs, closing his eyes as he rests his head back on your lap, your hands instinctively go back to playing with his hair, he's completely content now. "ice cream date tomorrow. i’ll wait for tomorrow...even if it doesn't happen it's okay..at least im laying on your lap now…at least you’re playing with my hair now…at least now i know what it's like to hear you say you like me too.”

you smile, brushing a strand of hair out of his face, watching him drift off to sleep in your lap. even though he’s drunk and unsure, you know he believes you somewhere deep down. & tomorrow, you’ll take him for ice cream, just like you promised. and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow, he’ll realize how much you really do care about him, & how much you really do love him.

[sexlapis]

i know requests are closed and im sorry but i need this so i dont forget 💖 actor!toji looking at edits on live and hes like “so yall see me like this” and the fans go wild

actor!toji on live!

okay i’ll make an exception once.

𝜗𝜚 actor!toji (x implied gn!reader)

sfw, crack, tiktok (bc that’s it’s own warning), suggestive, horny toji fans, toji has reading glasses, petnames (‘kid’) he’s a little rude but when is he not :), old man toji <3

〆(・∀・) : me after not writing abt actor toji for like a month 😊🤗

masterlists

actor toji masterlist

*

“hey, everybody,” toji said, waving to camera as if he didn’t fumble and struggle in front of his fans for the past ten minutes trying to get his phone to stand up securely. he looks cute, dressed in a navy blue hoodie with nothing underneath and his dark hair was a messy mop atop his head.

now he just sits in his chair at his dining room table, watching the viewer count rise and rise to absolutely ridiculous numbers.

“fourty thousan-fifty thou-sixty thousand?! didn’t know i had so many fans..jesus christ…”

honestly, toji had no idea what he was doing and he was a tiny bit nervous. this was his first ever “live” (something that he did not know even existed until you told him) and he had no idea how to entertain his fans or what they really wanted. but they seem pleased with him just staring at the camera in confusion and admiring his handsome face.

toji proceeds to read some of the comments in the rapid moving chat of chaos. here, starts the beginning of his own demise.

many comments are sweet, kind, praising him for his talent and acting skills, some were just spamming their country flags and names, a rare male fan is asking to see his guns collection, others asking about his upcoming projects but the majority of them are…not exactly PG in the slightest.

toji’s eyes could bulge out of damn skull at some of the explicitly and complete shamelessness of his fans. he knew they found him attractive, but this was a whole other level of depravity.

“what the fuck…” toji whispers in awe, mouth agape as his eyes scan through the chat, his eyes being fed with the most desperate and thirsty comments he has even read, “you guys are sumthin’ else…”

his one sentence just pours fuel on the, already blazing and large, fire, the chat moving so fast that is starts to lag.

“why’d i even speak..”

he actually takes time to read each comment that he can see (and stomach) and one of them catches his eye.

“watch your edits on tiktok? i have edits? what’s an edit?”

the chat blows up even more, commenters begging and begging him to watch these…edits.

“alright, alright, i’ll watch these “edits”,” toji says to the camera, before pulling out another phone, one that is clearly quite old, jagged edges and a cracked camera, a raggedy phone case and just overall not in the best condition it could be in.

“‘what is that ancient ass device’ eh? this is my main phone,” he replies to a comment, showing his phone to the camera to his fans can see, “‘s fine, works perfectly. and it’s not “ancient”. it’s actually a nokia. pft, dumbass kids.”

toji can feel himself being flamed in the chat. even more so when he pulls out his reading glasses.

“yeah, ‘m fuckin’ old. jesus.”

he squints, scrolling on his beaten up phone with his index finger, “y’know, ion even really use tiktok, i only got it so _____ can send me videos of whatever the fuck. i swear, that kid sends me a million videos per day..” toji sighs, smiling at the thought of you, “ahh, they’re just so dumb.”

toji, after a long time of searching through trial and error and directions from his fans, eventually finds the search page of tiktok.

“alright, what’d i type in then? just ‘toji’? ‘toji fushiguro’?” he looks for answers in the chat, but find himself getting frustrated at the lack of actual responses to his question. he tuts, “i’m just gonna search ‘toji fushiguro edits’ and see what happens.”

he does just that and the results are…very interesting.

right in front of his very eyes are miles and miles of edits of himself, created by his fans, their depravity exposed for him to see, some of who were probably watching him at this very moment.

“jeeeeesus christ. ‘dunno what i even expected, honestly,” he scrolls through them, audios changing constantly as he does so, his eyes wide and wondering, “i’m actually impressed…”

toji pressed on one, and he watches it, the edit flashing in the reflection of his glasses as he watches. his open mouth slowly turns into a smirk of amusement and all out disbelief, the audio of the video being something about… ‘needing someone older’?

“so you guys see me like this?” he asked, expression incredulous and he breathes out a small chuckle, “buncha little fuckin’ freaks.”

the chat seems to like that. a lot.

his chat is once again flooded with comments from hell…hell for people driven purely by lust, that is.

toji huffs, “how old is this person anyway?”

he seemingly clicks on the account and reads their username. well, almost.

“‘tojis little cu-woah!” he almost drops his phone out of his hand, jaw on the floor, “how old are you! sixteen?! toji looks to the camera, eyebrows furrowed before slamming his phone on the table and pointing at his fans through the screen, “go do your homework! and be in bed by nine. actually, no scratch that, eight! christ…sixteen years old, oh my god…”

he continues to mutter to himself, completely baffled at how some of his fans are so young and just so…out of their minds. his skin crawls at the thought of a sixteen year old liking him in such a way.

toji shivers, “god, where are your parents?” he questions and continues to search through the edits, before finding one that looks safe, innocent and PG.

he was proven wrong however, when the audio was a woman rapping about being put in full nelsons-

“okay, that’s enough!” he slams his phone down again on the table, “i’ve seen enough,” and then he reaches for the camera, not even caring about his viewers. he mutters a, “crazy fuckin’ kids” before abruptly ending his “live” and going to take a nap.

*

the next day, you have sent him over ten videos on tiktok, all of them being edits of him from the day of the live, most of them containing the clip of when he called his fans, quote, a “buncha little fuckin’ freaks” unquote.

toji sighs at them, secretly entertained that you must be watching these deviant edits of him too.

*

〆(・∀・) : no i have not forgotten abt actor toji

taglist: @tiredslepz | @hayatslife | @shxyxyxxxx | @snowprincesa1 | @laylasbunbunny | @mimiemie | @ncentic | @rosesored | @imover-18 | @gintokhi | @suzuperstarr | @lostgxrlblog | @jallie10 | @nnsav | @bunnyx-sakura | @bubbabobabubbles | @ladytamayolover | @keiva1000 | @morgyyyyyyy | @studiecoherence | @earth2fae | ce-namonreads | @ib4ryuguji | @hisjaegerist | @basiloverthyme | @sweet-kiwi | @sayitowshi | @iovemytoru | @thecompletechaosmaster | @sugutoad | @inumakiiz | @uzxotic | @1meshugge1 | @kunikuzushisbeloved (sorry some could not be tagged for some reason </3)

[sweetheartsaku]

—HAIKYU!! various ; how deep is your love?

a/n ; [gn!reader] kinda fem implied in kawa's and kuroo's 😓 do yall like the new layout?? c: suggestive if you squint extremely hard in kuroo's .. i honestly dont know if im writing this timeskip or pre timeskip its 3am 😣

— characters : oikawa, osamu, tsukishima, hinata, sakusa, kuroo

part 2 ! ♡ akaashi, kenma, kita, semi, kageyama, suna

jade vine !

tooru oikawa ; SWEET / I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO DANCE - tyler the creator, brent faiyaz, fana huez

has 'i love you' wars and he MUST win or he will tackle you (affectionate)

takes the BEST candid photos of you and puts so much love into the following insta post. has you as his wallpaper too (please match with him) (he'd also have a highlight just w pics of you😞)

please NEVER do that 'wipe their kiss off' trend because he will actually not talk to you for DAYS and gets all sulky until you apologize. (he will get all cocky all over again)

core memory from his teamates. bae was explaining to his teamates about new volley nerd talk blablabla and they notice his nails painted in a faint pink (for a fun date night, thinking no one will notice)

issei BURSTS out laughing and instantly points it out. now seijoh4 NEVER lets him live it down

always the first person to notice when you use a new shampoo or perfume.

cuddling, (you being the little spoon╰(*´︶`*)╯♡) you can feel his breath hitch when his lips reach your neck

before you could ask why he's stopped inching closer he's already manages to whisper out, "did you start using a new shampoo?" yes. yes you have

do his skincare with him please ! he loves it. he loves when he places you on the bathroom counter and you wrap your legs around his waist, he loves when you're so gentle with the toner, he loves when you graze your delicate fingers over his beautiful long lashes, he loves when you make sure you don't cut him when snipping the face mask so it fits a little more snug, EVERYTHING. (he is sunoo coded)

osamu miya ; good looking - suki waterhouse

loves your tummy SO much. doesn't care about shape or form, he just likes the feeling that you're being fed. squish. or pat. he loves it. have i mentioned he loves your tummy?

when his dad leave the twins at home its always osamu at the stove, please keep atsumu in a 5 mile radius AWAY from the kitchen

SPOON FEEDS YOU. please i need him. on days you're too tired to move a muscle, days where you're too sick to open your eyes, be prepared to feel his hand on the back of your head and one below your chin ready to feed you!! once you've sat yourself up he feeds you so gently... osamu miya i need you

when you're really tired from work, he will send meals to your workplace. if you work at home and sees you barely able to keep an eye open, you will see his hand under a spoon of your favourite meal. he's not the best with it, but he's trying 🥹 he means it with all his heart and hearing you say the food is really warm in your stomach, his heart feels warm too (о´∀`о)

my mans is SNATCHED. slide your hands around his waist, poke it a little do WHATEVER. your hands have probably been on his waist more than his hands on yours.

i think his core is pretty well built. have we seen it in the anime or manga? maybe. but from what i've seen, his physique is very 😳 (a tad bit better than his brother's i fear)

cooking together!!! different recipes each date, basking in each other's presence. its always so fun and the results are always almost flawless!

at one-point y'all were making cupcakes, it was literally osamu baking them and you decorated it.

AND OBVIOUSLY the basic, he would routinely give you handmade onigiri, in different shapes, flavours and whatever you like ✨

kei tsukishima ; the only exception - paramore

kinda scowls at you when you put your hands under his shirt but secretly really loves it so when you slither your hands away he instantly places your hands back and make sure your hands STAY there. bonus points if you have warm body temperature. he likes the feeling of your warm hands on his slightly colder body.

his wardrobe has drastically evolved from muted tones to slightly lighter and vibrant clothing ever since you insisted on getting matching stuff!!

WILL say he is not a jewellery person but collects, keeps and takes care of all the little trinkets you give him DAILY. he has a little sticker on the edge of one of his books and a little moon sticker on the end piece of his sports glasses

he also defineitely has really thick curly blond lashes. you say they are one of his charming points but he gets all flustered. when you insist to put clear mascara on them, he doesn't really look like he has a problem with it 🥹

what could his ahh possibly be listening to with those headphones on so often (real)

sends you playlists at an insane hour that go for insane amounts of time. but i KNOW his taste is immaculate. every song always gives you goosebumps or makes your heart tighten

please do a spotify blend with him (he was gonna ask you, but you beat him to it)(he was shy)

oh AND the shared playlists actually are insane!! so much good music all at once?? crazy yall 😭😭 (wave to earth, cody fry, the smiths, daniel caesar, rex orange county)

shoyo hinata ; intro (end of the world) - ariana grande

honestly, out of all these men HINATA SHOYO is the BEST candidate for taking care of a person except himself. has no limits in his stamina, and will only listen to you when you ask him maybe its time for a break. does he overwork? not necessarily. does he work too hard? yes, in a positive way. please remind him to eat because he will forget sometimes

he will NEVER admit he likes being the little spoon LMAO he finds being vunerable in your arms a tad bit silly, and it bugs him. after a long week of practice games and insisting kageyama and yachi to practice with him the instant he falls on the bed, he finds himself melting into your touch. your voice gets a little more buttery and he loves it, falling asleep instantly

hes probably a hard sleeper too 😭 he wont wake up till he feels your cold hands on his face or the sunbeams from the curtain literally bleed into the sheets and steal its colour

PLEASE STROKE HIS HAIR. he loves it. he absolutely loves it. again, melts into your touch like ice-cream. his heart will feel tight and he has a lil' blush 🥹 whats even more priceless is his lips slightly agape after hes fallen asleep... how can you NOT love this man

one of the only boys on this list who will LET you put little pink bows or style his hair in braids and clips. (if you're imagining timeskip hinata, you have attempted to put a little bow around his bicep but you underestimated its size and it BROKE. gosh what an experience)

DANCES WITH YOU EVERYWHERE!!! omg i love him so much. doesn't care if you have two left feet, he just loves the feeling in his heart when he sees your smile as he spins you around. in the rain, in big empty rooms, in the kitchen, anywhere.

loves the idea of promise rings or little trinkets that ensure he gets to have you forever!!

kiyoomi sakusa ; washing machine - VANISHING GIRL, rosemary fairweather

PLEASE braid this man's hair. 😞 he pretends to despise it and thinks you don't notice when he literally melts under your touch. he feels safe 'nd comfy and hopes it lasts forever, when your hand retracts he has a lil' pout

notices when you've been wearing your favourite hood for a couple days straight, has a little scowl under his mask and throws one of his jackets at you. he only gives you the wind-breakers that are 100% cotton or the ones he just knows you like.

he uses this as an excuse to share his clothes with you. its safe to assume its his love language under-cover!

HE IS SO ASS WITH PDA all you get is him giving you hand sanitizer before eating meals or snacks. its only you though, don't tell him that.

BUT sometimes when he feels like it, he will take your hand and put it HIS pocket so "your hands are always sheltered from germs" now what type of bs is THAT. (you love this bs)

can be snarky. sometimes he gets the slightest eenie meenie miniest bit cocky, and its very noticable. has the ability to be a little bit of a tease but not in a pestering way more like a little smartass way LMAO.

tetsuro kuroo ; never lose me - flo milli

always has his hand in the back pocket of your pants. that was it. thank you for coming to my ted talk. (to feel your butt? no idea.)

tutor sessions always unbearable. either you're too busy staring at his biceps, or you're sighing that he's made a little pop quiz for you!! tell him it sucks please

if he notices it gets a bit too much or overwhelming for you over the week or before study dates, insists to take you out instead (what a gentleman!! kuroo tetsuro come into my life)

extremely consistent with routine. good morning and good night text DAILY no matter how busy he is, he WILL find a way (i like to think its his way or the high way #kingofprovocation /hj). very good at getting the things he wants in a non-manipulative way but with simply logic and brains

yeah as captain hes no. #1 but he is also no. #1 waist CLUTCHER. his hands are always on you somehow even in the slightest way, but never pervy. he just likes having his hands on you! bonus points if you have hip dips, he loves it so much. he finds it as a perfect spot to place his hands on (btw ppl w hipdips yall are BEAUTIFUL!! 🥹)

i feel as he has a possessive side as well. small, but more noticable compared to someone else. will not hesitate to stare someone (or recite chemistry nerd stuff 🙁) down for looking at you a little too long :3

when he sees you post or sees himself in your instagram or tiktok dumps, his heart tightens a bit in the best way possible. when you mention him in the post he only reacts with a heart but he's actually going insane

[hijackalx]

GORTASH NSFW ALPHABET

A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

hmm honestly feel like it depends on if hes feeling u or not. if he was just trying to catch a nut hes rude af. like before he leaves he'll throw a wet rag at u. and he used cold water to get it wet 🥲 BUTTTT if he really does like u i think he'll prolly run a bath for u both or something. i can see him washing ur hair/body for u 🥺

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner's)

his chest duhhh lol thats why he walks around with his titties out. i think hes got a really good upper body in general. like shoulders/arms/chest. and i feel like hes an ass man. yes that means all booties ALL. he likes to spank, bite, and leave marks all over it. omggg the type to smack or pinch ur ass in public LMAO

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

yall already know im a firm believer that this man cums bucketfuls. he'll have u sitting there like "damn why is it still going" LMFAO almost exclusively wants to cum inside. to the point to where its hard to convince him not to. he wants to breed u sooo bad 😭😭

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

*NONCON MENTION* it gets him concerningly hard when u tell him no but let him do it anyway. like i dont think he would ever AGGRESSIVELY force u to do anything hence the "let him", but something about being able to change ur mind/overpower u does something to him *NONCON MENTION OVER*

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

well. i think hes an expert when it comes to pleasing himself (which is typically thru penetration, so for my AFABs if yall can finish vaginally just know he do be laying pipe 🤤) but he didnt really grow up caring about his sexual partners much lol. i do think he wants to please you though, like badly. thats the only reason hes willing to let u offer some guidance when it comes to giving oral/fingering u.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

mating press yall. like when he hooks ur legs over his shoulders and basically folds u like a lawn chair lol. also likes doggy though so he can pull ur hair and leave welts on ur ass lol.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

hes wayyyy too intense to be goofy at any moment while u guys are fuckin LMAO. like this man loves sex and gives his ALL. he puts his mf game face on and locks IN baby 😹😹

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

YESSSSSS !!!!! YES !!!!! this man is SO hairy EVERYWHERE !!!! the same texture as the hair on his head. im about to faint yall catch me

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

uhh. i can see him being kind of romantic on special occasions. but like i said hes pretty intense usually and to me that doesnt leave much room for romance lol. especially since he can be so mean too

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

yeah. like all the time. hes a hornball so if ur not around as an alternative he WILL be jizzing into his hand. omfg if yall are like, ever distanced from each other he will want to send nasty ass letters back and forth to keep him satisfied until u get back LMAO god forbid they ever end up at the wrong place

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

his office. will fuck on every surface and up against every wall. everyone else is afraid to touch anything in there 😭

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

he likes when u seem weaker than him, either in the sense that he has a physical or mental advantage over u. dont let anyone else treat u like that tho or he'll think ur a pussy lol

N = No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)

^^ as i mentioned letting other ppl have the same power over u as he does is a turn off. so if ur like me u got to grow a backbone or get the boot 🥾🤾‍♀️ 😭😭  anyway. i dont think he'll be willing to do anything that makes him feel "lesser" or more submissive. i mean u could probably trick him into doing it if u make him think its his idea or something LMAO

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

i genuinely think he eventually gains an affinity for giving ??? he likes the sounds u make and the way u pull his hair. so yeah, gives lots of kisses and will mutter a lot of praises while down there too. dont get me wrong though u better be giving back too 😹😹

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

rough as fuckkkk bro. doesnt ever like to be gentle. sex just brings out a lot of aggression in him. u will be sore and bruised after. if u convince him to chill out he'll be a pouty baby about it

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

anywhere and everywhere possible. i dont think its a goal of his to be seen by others while doing it but i also dont think he cares so that doesnt really stop him

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

he'll try to get u to do all kinds of fucked up shit. including shit that is probably lowkey dangerous 😹😹 hes pretty sadistic so get ready gurl

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

15-20 mins max shawty lmao sorry 😹😹 and since he wants to act like a wild ape ur prolly not getting a round 2 since he wore himself out. but if u didnt get off in time he'll use his hand to help u finish even if hes sleepy 😴

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

will tease u at random times throughout the day by saying some absolutely horrendous shit in ur ear while ur in public and then acting like nothing happened. but usually doesnt want to waste much time before the act, so he might tease just enough to get u ready. nothing more though

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

heavy grunter and breather. will only moan occasionally if its really hitting right 😹😹 if u do get him to moan i can see it being decently loud. its like a reward

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

very high libido man........ prepare ur hole 🪦

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

sometimes he can stay awake long enough for aftercare but other times itll have to come after a power nap 😭 youll be like "bae how was it" and turn around to see him completely unconscious. snoring and everythang

[hearts4werka]

NNN day 5 | Whispers Of Madness

summary: ever since one unfortunate day, you havent felt the same mentally. The dark entity that now permanently stabled a special place in your mind, making you go more insane with each passing minute. Whenever you try to reach out for help to the one person you trust, being your best friend matthew he always argues that nothing is actually there and your brain is messing with you but you know more than youve lead onto. Are you going to finally shatter and possibly lead to murder, or maybe finally banish the evil living inside of you?

warnings: ANGST, demon possession, dark entity, murders, mental health issues, satanic language, dark topics, suicide, police involvement, heavy language, blood everywhere, choking, skin bruising, mysterious black goop, viewers advisory is supervised! Proceed continue reading caution!

authors note: somehow we’ve made it to day 5 of consistently posting fics wohoo !! This one took me a portion of my time and this week has been pretty busy for me so I’m surprised I got this far, hope yall enjoy this bc I surely did writing it

no nut november | masterlist | guestlist

Ever since that unfortunate night, I have never felt the same mentally nor physically. A constant demonic voice mocking my every move and slowly driving me towards insanity, flashes of a dark entity remain stuck and impossible to get out of my mind, making me want gouge my eyes out to escape through death. Sometimes i dont even recognize myself in the mirror, just noticing each and every one of the changes in my physical apperance as well as my behavior and I think if others noticed them too or do am I the old me to them? or have I never actually changed and my mind can somehow create physical forms of different versions of me on its own?

- The night of the incident

I slowly stirr awake in the middle of the night due to strange noises my ears keep picking up, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand I glance out the window to see nothing but pitch-black ahead of me. The soft moonlight being the only available source of light pouring into the room, my eyes scan the dark room for a possible source behind the strange noises. Its almost like whispering but not human whispers in particular, almost like a demonic voice... yeah no, demons dont exist so there no such possibility. Just to be sure Im not going completely insane I do a double check but now looking harder into the dark to try and justify the source of the noise is nothing harmless.

Thats until I see something dark looming in the corner of my room.

It appears to be a shadow but with a dark and demonic energy radiating off it, my eyes scan the whole silhouette and get stuck on a pair of brigh red eyes staring down at me becomes imprinted in my mind permanently which sends a cold chill down my whole body, making me rise in awareness and fear, my body immediately waking and becoming completely stiff, my abilty to move vanishing from my grasp of control. The dark shadow figure starts to step closer to me and my instincts kick in, subconsciously backing away from the proximity of the red-eyed creature as it stands at the foot of it. "W-who are you?" I shakingly breath out, my mind becoming consumed with fear and theories that this could possibly be the end of my life.

The red-eyed figure doesnt make a sound or a single move, my breathing now labored and heavy as it continues to stare down at my shaking form. Feeling completely vulnarble and defendless, it’s like theres no escape and I've been trapped, even cornered in the dark depths of my mind. "Agite... Tenebrae... Abyssi..." I hear a faint demonic whisper, identical to the ones I've heard before and realize where its coming from. Suddenly I get a shock down my whole body, almost as if a feeling of being possesed or something possibly entering my soul and attaching itself to it.

I convince my overthinking mind its nothing and Im just imagining things now, this is not real. Demons dont exist and they surely can't possess you, right? it cant be real, its not. Shaking my head to throw away any possible negative thoughts left behind and lay my head back down on my pillow, attempting to sleep of the demonic energy I still feel coursing through my veins. My mind manages to slowly drift off to sleep, my eye lids falling heavy as I slip into unconsciousness but the demonic whispers still remaining surrounding the shell of my ears.

- A month after the incident - Present day

A sudden snap of Matt’s fingers in front of my face kicks me out of the negative energy in my mind, him giving me an unamused expression and sighing. “You seriously weren’t paying attention again?” He annoyingly huffs, his lips becoming a thin line as his arms cross over his chest. “I’m sorry, I was just-“ while I am in the middle of my sentence and want to explain myself, the demonic whispers cut me off and start whispering in my ear until I look around and see him. The red-eyes creature. No matter how hard I want to take my eyes away from him, they just refuse to move alongside with my body. Just becoming frozen all of a sudden, “What? Are you good?” He stammered visibly shadowed with concern, his eyes darting around the room to find the spot my eyes are stuck on but is met with a simple empty room.

“What are you staring at?” He pondered, still in desperate search to find something I could possibly be staring at with such horror contouring my features. My breath starts to become more deep and shaky, the same feeling I felt coursing through my veins every time it appears, it’s almost like it’s making its appearance known before hand. Matt finally snaps me back to reality, jerking one of my shoulders to give him a response to his worried questions, when I look at Matt’s face and back where it was standing. It’s gone. It’s not there anymore. “Where did it go?” I mumbled with a trembling bottom lip, becoming tense and more aware of my surroundings. “What do you mean by ‘where did it go’ ? You’re fucking freaking me out Eli.” He inquired, still anxiously looking around before moving closer to me. Immediately noticing me tense up for some reason he doesn’t have the knowledge of and I just wouldn’t speak about it.

“It’s fucking not there anymore! It’s gone, again!” I clutch Matt’s arm into my chest, seeking any comfort and safeness I could get a grasp on. The whispers start again, this time approaching me closer until I feel a faint icy breath breathe down my neck which makes me flinch. “ǨḐlēʃ-tū yǫur crēāṭōr, ǝLizaʊƃth…” my hands immediately go to cover my ears, the satanic words echoing in my head and bouncing off every wall, almost delivering me a headache. Under my breath I keep begging it to stop, to release me from the hellish cage it’s trapped me in against my will just to torment and demolish all that’s left of my soul that it hasn’t destroyed yet. My mental health wasnt the best before and it just got worse after, I reached out for help to everyone I could but they either called me schizophrenic or ‘completely gone off the rockers’ by professionals, refusing to help me and ignore the actual issue.

“Is it this again? Seriously Eli, you have to stop scaring me like that!” He argues, becoming slightly annoyed. No matter how much I tell him about this mister lurking in the shadows, he just says ‘you need to get some professional help or go to a psychiatrist’ but when I tell him the stories regarding the ‘getting professional help’ that they ignore me and don’t believe demons actually have a possibility of existing. “You didn’t believe in this demon shit and always denied it, why do you suddenly act like you got possessed by a damn demon or something?” In that moment it hits me, the realization and theory of being actually possessed by a demon hits my head and if we’re an object I would possibly get a concussion.

“I’m not! It’s just that… oh, forget it. It’s gone now so it doesn’t matter.” I state, taking a deep breath to wash away all of the emotions I’ve been feeling at once in a single moment. It’s shocking how much my body can take and has taken ever since it appeared in my life, or does it? Maybe my mind likes to think and make it seem like I’m doing good but in reality I’m loosing my mind completely? When is it going to end? How do I make it end? Questions rise in my head as I start to overthink and get my anxiety to an impossible level. “Eli, what the fuck has been happening with you? You seem completely psychotic like those possessed girls in horror movies.”

“I-I don’t know what I am at this point, please just go home and stay safe. I’ve scared you enough already I don’t want to give you a heart attack” I breathe out, gesturing for him to go away as I my ears perk up with the demonic soft whispers coming back, the dark figure standing right in front of me. I immediately cover my ears as the whispers get louder and louder, suddenly I feel a pair of cold hands wrap around my neck and pure force starting to pull me upwards into the air. I become short on breath as Matt freaks out and quickly runs over to my body in the air, now being face to face with the black figure. My arms immediately attempt to remove the arms off my neck for more air but it only tightens its grip, Matt pulls at my feet but it���s not much affective. The red gloomy eyes staring into my soul and twisting my insides with the dark energy possessing my body.

The world around me becomes silent and I can’t hear whats happening around me. “Ǩo ǃàdêr ȯf Ḑoom, ʔou Ƀhall kjømbāť ʔo ʃiln Ǫne ȯf ḏhe ʔeḥples ȯf Ꮑȯvær lǟv or ʔe ťæpt ǝn ḟi ʃhyād ǷārtǤ, ȯy ʗhǯice ElizǞbeth. ȶime Ƀ is spiraling ȯut…” the sentence constantly keeps being repeated until my ears start to bleed but I don’t feel blood coming out of my ears, some kind of cold black goop starts to escape through my ears as I finally get released. Falling back onto the ground with a loud thud and coughing hysterically, the pain and bruises spreading across my body as well as deep purple marks saturate my neck. I feel this sudden urge, something driving me up to my breaking point, willing to do anything to escape this hell.

Matthew quickly runs over to me, examining my body and the bruises left as horror and concern fill his features. “A-are you okay? Are you bleeding anywhere?- oh fuck!” He stammered, noticing the mysterious black goop coming out of my ears. His eyes were so focused on my body he didn’t notice it at first, seeking as if he couldn’t handle all of this happening at once and neither was I but he was scared out of his mind when I was left with no emotions in my face. My mind backtracks to the demonic words spoken to me and somehow I feel I know what to do, I don’t feel like myself anymore. It’s like I’m some kind of puppet in a show being controlled on how I’m supposed to act, I pick myself up and walk towards the kitchen while ignoring the concerned questions falling from Matt’s mouth.

I can’t believe I’m actually doing this but I can’t live like this anymore, he follows behind me and into the kitchen. My body starts to almost move on its own as if someone else had full control over it, reaching into the drawer where all of my knifes are kept and pick up the sharpest blade I own. Rising it into the air and turning to face Matthew, his anxiety immediately spikes to ungodly levels as he puts his now trembling hands. “What are you doing with that? Elizabeth, put it down!” Desperate demands leave his mouth in attempt to make me out down the possible weapon in my possession but I don’t listen, as much as I don’t want to do it, I might be my only way of escaping.

I charge at Matthew and stab him in the chest multiple times as hysteric cries leave my mouth while he screams bloody. His blood squirts all over my clothes and stain them, he falls to the ground and quickly I jump on top of him to weight him down and deliver a stab to immobile his arms, more blood covers our clothes, faces and the floor all together as I continue to cry out apologizes and explanations. “I’m sorry… I have to do this, I’m so sorry, Matt I’m sorry but I have to…” I cry out as blood and tears run my cheeks, to end the miserable pain he is experiencing I swing high into the air, gripping the handle of the bloody knife with both of my hands before apologizing for the last time and plunge the knife through his head which kills him in an instant.

My hands finally detach from the knife and immediately go up to my face, wiping off the blood and pouring tears from my face. Loud sobs fall from my mouth at what I have done, I just killed my best friend. Out of pure cold blood I killed my best friend, I-I’m a monster, a psychopath and everything fucked up. I am the demon… the demonic figure whispers another sentence in the weird language it has been using ever since trying to communicate to me but now it sounds more evil, like curses stuck to my name by the black shadow and following me around anywhere I go. “Ǫne lǻst stȅp ǵhǵn ɓe dǿne, ȵaM Ƀǿ̃e ȅt Ƀe ǵhǵe ȶǿ Ƿȯrld ȩfree, hāv ǵʍоḏ tɼȯ ḏon sǿlf ɴǿw. Ḕdǿn ḥesīṭȅte, ȅLīzǝbeth.”

The same feeling of knowledge runs down my spine, realizing what I’ll have to do next in order to be set free. My hands go back and take the knife out of Matthew’s dead body and line the sharp tip with where my heart lies, I close my eyes shut and with one swing I plunge the cold bloody knife into my heart. My body falling down next to Matthew’s already dead one, hearing the faint sirens of police in the distance as I slip into unconsciousness but by the time they make it to the kitchen, my body disappeared and only with the bloody knife left on the ground. It was evident two people have been killed in the process regarding the blood bath that was created but no matter how long or how hard they searched for my body, it was just gone. Almost as if a dark entity dragged it down with them to the deepest pits of hell…

Guestlist!

| - @sturnioloblues - @sturnsxplr-25 - @strnzzvsp - @sturniolosweetheart33 - @luvvs4chriss - @pussypie456 - @choclatestarfishwithahat - @venusxsturnio - @bagsbyclair0 - @sturnstvs - @dykes4chris - @hoe4matt - @cayleeuhithinknot - @strnilolover - @marrykisskilled - @phone4pills - @emely9274 - @cupiidk1lls - @lily-strnlo - @nicksgirlfriend - |

[notmyprey]

Annon sent me an ask with a lot of Ninjagº sfw vore prompts, and this one caught my eye specifically, and I want to dedicate a post to it.

I dont have time to draw much, but yall can have a short story-

(Also, wanna preface this with: no, I dont ship Lloyd and Kai. They have a sibling bond imo, and idk it'd be kinda weird with the age gap for a lot of the show. But I'm not gonna send hate to those who do see it like that. Just know this is written with a sibling bond in mind.

Also, this is written abt Lloyd after he grew up and matured a bit. So like- season 5+ Lloyd)

Click

The sound was faint, yet Lloyd knew exactly what it meant. Drop, cover, and prey to the gods it wasn't aimed towards you. Not even a moment after he dove behind the nearest bolder did he hear the thundering boom followed by the bright flash. Wind rushed past him, throwing ash and debris his way. The deafening sound echoed through his very core. It never seemed to end, his body left still shaking minutes after it was done. The cavern bounced the noise, rolling it off one wall and onto the next. It felt like it lasted ages within the few minutes it actually occurred.

The fighting, the punching, the swords, and the guns, all of these never fazed him. But explosions? Those were his weaknesses. His mind would always race back to his past and, consequently, his father. Lloyd didnt know exactly why it reminded him of his dad, but the fact that, like his father, an explosion would hurt anyone, even those on its own side, seemed to be a part of it.

The cavern soon quieted down, but his fear did not. The images of his father still fresh in his mind. He shook his head, trying to snap himself out of the haze he was in.

Him and Kai had gone into a cavern alone since there were 3 diverging paths. Up until now, we had only encountered arrow traps and small pits. But this? This was a new threat.

Was it over, the blast? He wondered, slowly inching towards the edge of the rock. He turned his head, looking for the brightness that would signal it was not over, yet all he was met with was dark.

He peered his head around the bolder, scanning for any sight of Kai. The smoke and ash coated his vision, making it ever more difficult to locate him. After a moment, though, he spotted Kai's fiery red suit. No matter how quickly he wanted to rush over to him, he needed to keep low as to breathe in the least amount of smoke, and he needed to scan for any more explosive traps. So, as such, he slowly inched his way along the cave floor.

By the time he made it to Kai, he could see Kai was in bad condition. His breathing was uneven, meaning he probably breathed in a lot of smoke and ash, and although he didn't seem to have any burns, he still had a lot of cuts and bruises from flying rocks.

Lloyd turned his gaze upward once more, showing the smoke had mostly cleared now. Normally, he would call Cole, Zane, or even Kai over, and one of them would be able to swallow whoever was hurt down. But now, there was no one else but him and the now injured Kai.

He forced his head back towards Kai, who had now opened his eyes. "Hey," Lloyd started, unsure of how to even approach this, "uh... how are you feeling."

A small smile tugged at Kai's lips, even through the pain. "I-", he devolved into a short coughing fit but slowly gained his ability to speak once more, "I have been better." He had to stop to take a breath after every word, something that worried Lloyd further.

Lloyd nodded and continued to fumble over his words. "I... I think it's maybe best... maybe if I..."

"It's ok, do what you have to do, kid." Kai gave a weak but reassuring smile, which gave Lloyd that little extra confidence he needed to continue. Kai knew what had to happen, and Lloyd did too. Kai couldn't stay on the ground here, and Lloyd couldn't carry him either for fear of hurting him further.

Taking a deep breath in, Lloyd stretched his arms out above Kai, holding his palms down, and his fingers stretched out as well. He softly recited the words taught to him. He himself had only done this twice before, but both times were in a controlled setting, and neither times had he actually been the one to eat the person that was shrunken down. Green light fluttered down from his palms, brushing downward with grace. As he finished, he saw Kai quickly start to shrink down.

Soon, Kai was a bit shorter than Lloyds hand from top to bottom. It was strange, seeing Kai so small and fragile. In his mind, Kai was his stronger older brother, the one who had always taken care of him. And now, Lloyd had to be the one to take care of Kai.

He pried Kai off the ground, gently rolling him into his hands and carefully curling his fingers a bit to create a barrier so Kai wouldn't roll immediately off his hands. He lifted Kai to his face, prompting a small groan to come from Kai, who was probably in a lot of pain now that the adrenaline was wearing off.

Now that he was face to face with Kai, Lloyd felt the need to say something. Cole and Jay normally said some sort of joke before eating someone, and Zane normally comforted them, but Kai, he would say something motivational. Perhaps that's why Lloyd always gave so many motivational speeches before missions.

Right now, though, as he thought on what to say, he found that he couldn't really say anything. He was speechless. He couldn't find the words to say to make Kai more comfortable. So he didn't. Instead, he gently brought Kai to his chest, giving him a sort of hug, and held him there for a moment. Kai's breathing slowed, and just for a moment, it felt as though everything was alright again.

Lloyd brought Kai back up to his face, smiling once more before gathering up the courage to open his mouth.

He maneuvered his hands, allowing him to slowly slide Kai onto his tongue. Immediately, Lloyd tasted blood and ashes on Kai's suit. He had to stop himself from gagging. Fighting every instinct that told Lloyd not to eat Kai, he slid him further into his mouth. Finally, only Kai's feet remained outside his lips, but due to how small his mouth is, he couldn't slip them inside without beginning to swallow Kai first. No matter what he did, Lloyd couldn't seem to get any saliva on Kai, his mouth joining in on telling him not to eat what his body must think is poison.

Regaurdless, he took a loud, thick swallow. Although it didn't do much, it did succeed in sending Kai's head into his throat and Kai's feet into his mouth. He promptly clamped his mouth shut behind him and desperately tried to get any amount of saliva in his dry mouth to coat Kai with.

It was horriblely uncomfortable having just a small portion of Kai in his throat. It kept triggering his need to swallow, but he couldn't yet. He knew he needed Kai to be at least lightly coated in drool to get him down, as learned from Jay not doing that once and nearly choking. Finally, after what seemed like too long, his mouth decided to cooperate, drenching Kai in thick goopy saliva.

He gave in to the instinct to swallow, almost happy to get rid of the unpleasant feeling of having someone on the edge of his throat. Kai slipped deeper into Lloyds throat, his muscles idly helping him along. With each gulp, Kai slipped further out of his mouth until finally he was gone. Now, a great lump sat in the middle of his throat. As he continued swallowing, Kai drifted deeper and deeper within him. When Kai went past his heart, he couldn't help but stop breathing for a moment.

After a bit longer, Kai drifted even further down and now was nearing his stomach. Lloyd braced himself. All of his brothers had told him this was the strangest part, but what he felt no amount of his brothers describing could ever replicate. At first, the feeling was sickening. A sudden bout of pressure built up inside his stomach, and it wasn't exactly pleasant. But after that initial sickness came the feeling similar to a hug.

He could feel Kai pressing against his stomach much more than he had originally thought he would have been able to feel. His stomach stretched a bit to accommodate for Kai's presence, and it didn't feel unnatural. As the last of Kai finally slipped into his stomach, Lloyd brought his hand up to his middle.

Gently, he pressed where he felt Kai, and to his surprise, Kai, although weakly, pressed back. This small pressure sent a strange shiver up his spine. He was able to keep Kai safe, ever so so safe. Nothing could get to Kai without going through him first. All those years of Kai helping him, he was finally able to start to pay him back.

Not being able to help the small smile that tugged at his lips, Lloyd got up, continuing on down the cave in search of their mission.

So yah, sorry I kinda took the turn of, whether Lloyd wants to or not- but yeah I still loved this prompt and idk I may make more stories based off of this prompt alone lol.

[narwhalandchill]

spicy take incoming but i kinda wish ppl werent so desperately attached to and protective of this moniker of Great Big Brother 100% Perfect So True And Real when it comes to childe bc honestly. he really isnt (perfect or even that good at times) and to me acknowledging the ways both he and his family (for enabling him) are in some ways kinda just. doing teucer incredibly dirty in the long term but only with the best of intentions in the short term is so much more interesting than just pretending hes a flawless brother?? like it only adds to the drama and irony of it all man like theyre rly so dysfunctional as a family unit its great. even if hoyos likely never exploring that shit in its true depth it still lives rent free in my head for sure lol

like. you rly dont have to turn ajax into some sort of unfeeling uncaring monster of a shit brother to acknowledge that he does, in fact, repeatedly make incredibly reckless and selfish choices during his SQ with teucer and in general by choosing to obstruct the truth of who he is from lil bro so completely?

like this stuff can be nuanced and coexist with his absolutely 100% genuine commitment to protecting teucers bubble of a worldview (and w the theme of childlike dreams and wishes being so prevalent in general who knows what could be cooking w that one in particular) and his loyalty and love for his family without just having to whitewash the dumb shit he does lmao

like just bc hes capable of and willing to face the potentially grave repercussions of absolute bangers (🙄🙄) like teaching an actual fucking child to consider ruin machines fun besties and 100% insta ready to fuck himself up by protecting teucer at the cost of aggravating his still-unhealed injuries from the liyue AQ when dottores abandoned lab turns out to be more lively than expected doesnt. make that choice not a very irresponsible one yall im begging 💀

like. hes the adult here . the entire situation unfolding as dangerously as it does in the factory is Absolutely all on HIM for not being able and/or willing to disappoint teucer by just . Doing the mature thing and sending him away to safety because HES gotten too attached to this idea of being his lil siblings' loyal knight and perfect brother that Always finds a way to surpass the expectations no matter the cost its a role HE wants to keep playing despite the risk

like its So obviously a pride thing for him too and thats so fucking interesting because Of how flawed and questionable the logic is!! like yes he truly cares about teucer and ensuring he has a great unforgettable time during this impromptu escapade in liyue like thats not up to debate but the point im trying to make is that the choices he makes are Still very much intertwined with his ego and overconfidence and not really based all that much on Whats Actually The Best Approach Here. he improvises a way to give teucer the best mr cyclops outing he has ever seen bc HE wants to be the one offering him that experience and ends up biting off a bit more than he can chew and he can only blame himself for that one and This Isnt Fucking Sustainable

like i dont think that makes him evil but i do think it showcases his arrogance and flaws in a very concrete way and is a part of why calling him a perfect brother or at least one without an asterix just. rubs me off wrong lmao

like idk feel free to keep calling him that if its important to u and all if u want idc (and i do to some extent get why this defensive narrative of insisting hes great no issues at all emerged bc i remember 1.1 some ppl acting like hes childcare satan for how he treats teucer lol) but. at least like . Be willing to chip in to fund the therapy teucers going to need for those lifelong trust issues in the future man 💀

Bc Thats The Other Thing. now tonia and anthon i dont consider a part of this bc at least they Know hes in the fatui and hiding the gory details of ur harbinger job from ur baby sibs is like. fair enough and reasonable. but. crafting an Entire different AU version of yourself and feeding it to your baby brother as what constitutes actual reality surely is a choice of all times like ajax ily but genuinely . What the fuck if you were real id throttle you

AND HIS FAMILY ENABLING IT THE ENTIRE TIME ITS CRAZY LIKE. As a person with multiple siblings both older n younger with some similar age gap cohorts involved. God id snitch so fucking fast i dont think ppl rly stop and think much abt how objectively horrifying this shit is from teucers long term pov 😭 in the best way obviously given its fiction like its so scrumptiously awful and dysfunctional .

(& just in general man im just so obsessed with the way ajax 14 basically broke the eggshell of his past life and emerged to rise towards his destiny drowned in the guts and gore of the place and people and community he once called home unconditionally. Bro he fucked that town UP and now his family relations will never ever be the same its so fucking Delicious. those 3 days missing and what followed are just Actually a literal fucking horror movie when you stop blindly stanning our ginger menace, forget ajax' side and take the pov of his family and morepesok in general Why Are People Not Talking About This)

like. its not that i dont understand Why this is sth childe ended up doing as i said Thats The Point. its human. teucer is the only one in the family who wasnt there during that fateful 3 days/months . Like yea anthon and tonia were prolly sheltered from most of the carnage back then too but they still Know where he was sent when he became literally uncontrollable and almost killed the neighbors (everybody & their mom loves demonizing his parents as if his demon spawn ass left them a fucking choice JFEJSJSJSKDKS) . like its at least Known.

but then theres teucer.

And like. teucers the Only one with whom ajax can even pretend to have that delusion (ha) of normalcy and a family that hasnt seen him gaze into the abyss and stare back bloodied and grinning ear to ear . like. hes the only shot childe can have at even playacting some crude imitation of normalcy before Everything and even That comes with an expiration date hes fully aware of. so theres just lies after lies after lies and the fact that even his family just. if not actively partaking in the charade then at least silently allows the entirety of it to happen to teucer whos the Only fucking one out of the loop is just..... dude its not fair on him At All

Misleading teucer THIS much is just. its fucking horrible man but i GET it. thats why its so delicious man i GET it but god its just . imagine being teucer in this situation.... thats his entire fucking World shattered once the truth comes out. Everyone close to him has been lying to him his entire time. They all knew and they let him be misled. Like sure he might be happier Now with ajax dutifully protecting that childhood dream of his but after that. Just. sit on this for a bit. after everything do we Really think teucers just going to understand why it came to be and see it as worth it???? Will he really????

yet at the same time as awfully cruel it all is its just So human!!!!! Its so human of both ajax and his family to use the innocence of the only child that was spared the aftermath of worlds best/worst 3 month abyss training camp to indulge in this flawed false reality where their third son didnt walk into the void and come back hungry for More until only the fatui could take him and even then it only spurred him on further on that path. Like its all an act and a lie and its just. Not fucking fair on teucer but hes still doing it and theyre letting him even tho they Know it wont last theyre all looking teucer in the eye every day and letting him believe like man....

like in both the entire ruin factory sequence And in general hiding the truth from teucer as extensively as childe does hes being incredibly selfish but at the same time its selfishness only rly in the way all people are when it comes to Wanting to be seen a certain way by the ones they love and care about. and thats what makes it so interesting. bc as much as the choices he makes are dubious (or like. this decision makes sense to him. a morally bisexual total omnivore ethics-wise narwhalpilled since 14 who sees exclusively in abyss shrimp colors and acts accordingly) both they and the motivations behind them are also just. So very human ones . as terrible as the implications and eventual inevitable downfall of those choices can (will) be.

like. is it not that much more fascinating to consider all the ways that childe is neither a particularly exemplary nor an egregiously bad brother just one that. Happens to be wired weird in the head and proud and flawed and with a track record of heavily suspect decision-making but that also very much genuinely loves his family man. Like i can love that about him without dismissing the fact that theres parts to how hes treating teucer that 100% can and imo rly should backfire horrifically bc. It really just is that fucked up

hes not a good brother hes Worse AMD better than that and also not alone in this like. his family is an active fucking part of this . But like still . Is he trying his best with his abyss shrimp colored vision ? Yes. Is his love genuine? Absolutely. What are the marks? 3/10 meet me in the office after class mister youre just actually horrible (affectionate) 😭

A perfect brother? Not My Ajax man 🗣🗣 and like theres SO MUCH to explore in that it makes me so sad you just. Never see any of it p much in fanworks bc we all just call him best bro and whatever and thats that like its so sad. this family is terrible horrible awful and no good and they deserve it but also didnt deserve it it was misfortune it was fate it was inevitable . justice for teucer man i need to get him in therapy asap

[philtstone]

24. Showing up injured at their friend/mentor’s house: for shawn? :)

[emerges from writing this fic bloody and beaten and on the verge of collapse] ill explore karen vicks character in an overly complicated post-episode missing scene fic or die trying! set immediately post "right turn or left for dead". i genuinely dont know if im happy with this but i also cant figure out how to fix it. actually, it would have probably been easier to write if i was willing to rewatch the episodes its based on. which i am not, because i am a sensitive little soul. so i winged it. i think there are like 10 different ideas that crop up and theyre all equally fascinating as character threads but i have no idea if i tied them together in an even remotely coherent way. also, WOULD she say that??? i had to call my brother twice to ask. this is what yall get for sending me actually interesting prompts, huh

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Henry’s voice said on the phone. “I’ll send Shawn over with them on his way out. He's going in your direction, anyway.”

In her short tenure as the junior detective to Henry Spencer’s lieutenant, Karen Vick observed two things:

First, that he was a far more clever strategist than most people gave him credit for. Despite the ongoing wreckage of his impending divorce and a kid who was slipping through his fingers as everyone looked on, Karen didn’t agree with the other junior detectives��� impression of him as a smash-the-door-down old school hard ass with thinning hair and a worst attitude. The man played four dimensional chess right out of a bonafide Star Trek episode. When he really wanted something done, Henry Spencer could bullshit and bluff and battle plan with the pros, and half the time you’d get too caught up in the blustering misdirect to realize his game was intricately thought out three steps in advance.

It was how they caught the Shorttown Killer, and also how they got that idiot Trembley at the mayor’s office to finally replace their coffee maker. Karen went home to her then-boyfriend, now-husband, and, right before bed, pulled out an old school workbook and took notes.

The second thing was that Henry Spencer loved his son. 

Not a lot has changed since then, Karen thinks, staring down the weirdness that she now faces through her open front door.

“… Oh — Mr. Spencer,” Karen says, because it’s rude not to greet your employees when they show up at your home outside of work hours, and are also your old friend-slash-colleague’s kid. “Hello. Thanks for — bringing these over.”

“Dad said it was urgent,” Shawn says.

Urgent isn’t quite how Karen would describe it, but hearing through the grapevine that your department might be facing an audit sometime in the next quarter does light a fire under the proverbial ass. Karen would rather bend a few rules and make sure the last year’s i’s and t’s are dotted and crossed right than leave her detectives vulnerable to the whims of a mayoral stooge. 

In general, Karen prides herself on caring about the people under her command just enough that it inspires genuine friendship and loyalty. The just is important. Care needs tempering – it’s important to pull back, press pause, keep certain lines uncrossed. It’s especially important if you want to be successful as a woman in an authority position where lives are often on the line. 

What she’s saying is that she tries to make it none of her business what her employees get up to in their spare time. She really genuinely does. She’s shut O’Hara down gently midway through the twelfth sweetly-frazzled attempt to overshare about her dating life (or her efforts to befriend her next-door neighbor, or the endearing personality quirks of her last cat – rest in peace, Triscuit, you will be missed –) enough times to be well-versed in the art of I Won’t Ask, You Won’t Tell, But You’ll Probably Know I Care Anyway.

An invaluable rapport to maintain. In any situation, Karen thinks, but especially when you’re a person who regularly hires and works alongside Shawn Spencer.

She’s not sure whether what she’s looking at right now makes her want to second guess or double down on her usual policy. 

“Special delivery,” Shawn adds, like everything is super normal.

Karen narrows her eyes. She glances behind them into the quiet residential street.

“Shawn,” she says.

“Yes, Chief?”

“You didn’t drive here, did you?”

“Ha,” he says, half rolling his eyes to accompany a weird aborted grin. “No. Even I don’t think riding a motorcycle with a concussion is a good idea. What if someone who wasn’t me got hurt? That’s — that would be no good, then you’d have to arrest me. Wouldn’t that be a huge bummer for the whole team, Chief? Gus would cry. And my dad wouldn’t let me take his truck.”

Karen stares at him. Shawn stares at the ground.

“I got a cab,” he says.

“And you are … taking another cab – home?”

Shawn looks quite suddenly like he’s going to be sick.

“Sure,” he says. 

Shawn looks terrible. Bruised face, bags under his eyes, and a weird frenetic energy twitching in his limbs that doesn’t pair well with his general air of exhaustion. He’s holding his shoulders stiffly and can barely meet her eye. His t-shirt and sweatpants are rumpled, like he slept in them, even though it’s too early in the evening for Henry to have woken him up to send him here, and when he thrusts the promised files out into the air toward her, abrupt and, admittedly, Shawn-like, he only just hides the awkward wince that immediately overtakes his left side.

The last couple days have been a bit of a whirlwind, so Karen can’t say she necessarily blames herself for not looking more closely. 

Even so.

Slowly, Karen reaches forward and divests him of the case files. They slip a little bit, because Karen can’t seem to stop peering shrewdly at Shawn’s face while she does it, and on instinct he reaches forward to stop the stack from toppling. 

It does help, but the autopilot he moves on makes it harder to mask what is to Karen’s eyes a very obvious flinch. 

“Alright,” is all he says. “Well, good to see you. Time to head back to the old hay stack.”

Like a needle in a haystack and time to hit the hay, Karen supplies needlessly in her own head. Aloud, she says, in many ways against her better judgment, 

“Mr. Spencer, are you okay?”

Shawn sways on the spot for a second, one fist clenched, mouth half open. For a strange moment, Karen gets the impression that he’s trying really hard not to say the wrong thing.

“... As rain,” he finally manages, then nods to himself like he achieved some great feat. “Okay. Well –”

“Did something happen to your shoulder?” 

“What? No!” Shawn’s eyes flutter closed and he shakes his head, “I’m – fine, Chief. It’s not – I mean, I’m – normal, fine. Fine in a normal way.”

“That’s not something an individual who’s fine in a normal way would say,” Karen says. 

“Uh, is it not! It is. I would know, because I am that individual. It’s – I was – there’s just mild – pfft … stab wound – or something, who would even …”

Is Shawn broken? is the unhelpful thought that pops into Karen’s head. She’s never heard an attempt to bullshit collapse so quickly into pathetic nothingness before – certainly not from Shawn.

Perhaps even more than his father, the kid’s a pro.

And then the rest of the sentence catches up with her.

“A mild stab wound?”

Oh boy. She watches Shawn’s eyes widen with the panic that proceeds an unquestionable blunder.

“Chief –” 

“In.”

“Chief, I really, really don’t think –”

“Inside my house. Now.”

He’s certainly uncoordinated enough that he doesn’t put up much of a fight. Karen herds him  through the door as firmly as possible and leads them in a beeline past Richard’s office toward the bathroom, ignoring the reedy stream of consciousness that spills out of Shawn’s mouth as they go.

“Oh, hey, woah, it’s been like forever since I was in here. Did you redecorate? I swear that lamp wasn’t there the last time we visited. It could be the tacos I had earlier, but I’m sensing a distinct neo-modern Chinese aesthetic going on here, Chief, which calls to mind the merits of cultural appreciation in suburban home decor – hey, is that your husband’s office? Can I meet him? Is he home? That man is a true enigma to us, Chief, and it’s leading me to believe that he must possess all the facial and personality qualities of the pop superstar Mr. Pitbull Worldwide –”

Richard is home, actually, and Karen needs to alert him to the fact that they have an unexpected house guest, so, ignoring Shawn completely, she calls out,

“Honey? Shawn Spencer’s here for a couple minutes about a work thing! I’ll go up to put Iris to bed in a second!” in the finely-honed There Are Many Layers Of Complicated To This secret married tone that Richard should probably be able to catch through the closed office door. 

“Alright,” floats out her husband’s pleasant voice. “Tell him hi from me.”

Perfect. There’s about a ninety-three percent chance he understood.

They make it to the bathroom, only stumbling slightly. Shawn says,

“-- or The Rock. Does your husband look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? I really think that would make so many things about the Chief Vick family make sense –”

Karen closes the bathroom door with a snap and crosses her arms.

“Sit,” she says, in a voice that even he knows brooks no argument.

Shawn does. He looks – well, beyond uncomfortable, and more than a little bit miserable, and probably closer to completely dissociating than either of them are prepared for. Karen wonders belatedly if he's gotten any sleep at all in the last forty-eight hours.

“I’m assuming you have not been to the hospital.”

He gives her a baleful look, like he really expected better of her. She only just stops herself from rolling her eyes in response. And there’s that huge goose egg on his forehead, too. What, exactly, he got up to in between Carlton’s wedding reception and oh-eight-hundred hours this morning Karen has no idea, but he looks like someone’s run him through the world’s most aggressive industrial tumble dry cycle and spat him mercilessly back out. 

Or maybe over with a truck.

Sending a silent prayer to the universe that Iris never hit puberty and remains a sweet-tempered six-year-old forever, Karen gets to business.

“Well, I had to at least ask. Shawn. Does it need stitches?” He mumbles the answer the first time, and then looks beyond startled when she grabs him under the chin so he’ll look her in the eye. “Listen. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. But you’re going to tell me the truth. Got it?”

Shawn grimaces so hard at her words it’s almost a flinch. 

“No,” he says finally, clearly enough that she hears him. Karen raises an eyebrow. “No, I don’t think it needs stitches,” he articulates, but doesn’t meet her eye.

“Hm. Alright. I have gauze and tape in the medicine cabinet. Can I … is it alright if I pull up the sleeve of your t-shirt?”

Released from her hold, he groans and presses his face into one palm. “Chief –”

“I don’t really know what you expected, coming here! It’s not like I’m any less of a hardass than your father.”

“Yeah, but I can bitch back at my dad,” Shawn says, sounding like he’s finally realizing the magnitude of his mistake. Karen smiles grimly.

“Tough. Now pull your shirt up while I get the first aid kit.”

While Shawn proceeds to wrestle awkwardly with his t-shirt in a muted shuffle against the toilet seat, Karen rummages efficiently through the cabinet and eyes him through the bathroom mirror. He seems oddly reluctant to expose himself. In fact, in a stark contrast to his usual insistence on making his presence and contributions as obtrusively obvious as possible, Shawn seems intent on shrinking into the aforementioned Asian-flavored floral wallpaper (which does need an update, unfortunately) with all the equanimity of an anxious chameleon. Karen feels her eyebrows crease. Taking the first aid kit in hand, she brings it over and deposits it into his arms, ignoring his small startle.

“How about you hold that,” Karen says. Shawn does, against his chest, like a pillow. She walks around him and surveys the damage, antiseptic gauze in hand.

He wasn’t lying about the severity, at least. It’s a shallow thing, already mostly congealed, and has only stained his shirt in a small smattering spot of crusty brown blood.

Karen swabs at it with the alcohol using light careful fingers.

“Ow, ow ow ah –”

“Don’t be such a baby. It’s hardly a life-threatening injury.”

“Super insightful, Chief,” Shawn snaps, as genuinely sarcastic as he’s probably ever been with her, “never thought of that myself. Totally the reason why I just had to go to the hospital.”

He doesn’t pull away, but she can feel the tension radiating through his back. She blinks, one eyebrow crawling up her forehead. 

Alright then. So that’s how it’s going to be. 

“I’m assuming your father doesn’t know about this,” she says.

Shawn grunts, noncommittal. Huh. Maybe he does know, then, and has just been disallowed from doing anything about it right now.

She tosses the first used antiseptic wipe into the trash.

Goddamn four dimensional chess.

She supposes she’s never been bad at the game. She may as well work her way backwards through the moves: Guster, the most obvious node in Shawn’s turn-to-in-a-crisis-system, would never voluntarily abandon his friend in a time of need, so Karen assumes that whatever this is has either already included his support or not been made known to Gus at all yet. Henry’s likely exhausted his own usefulness in the situation, and Detective O’Hara is …

Karen has to work very hard for her hands not to pause in a way that gives away her hard-earned mental sleuthing. A bad feeling wholly unrelated to her ill-advised hangover of the day before begins to bloom at the back of her gut.

“You have really small hands, Chief.”

Shawn’s voice is notably more subdued than before.

“Do I?” 

“They’re like … little kangaroo hands. Like the mom kangaroo from Whinnie the Pooh.”

“Didn’t you know?” Karen says, not unkindly. “They’re given out at the hospital when all first-time moms leave with their baby.”

He lets out a tired little laugh, more boyish than he probably means it to be, and in spite of herself Karen feels her heart clench. She isn’t blind. In all her last seven years as the leader of their chaotic little precinct, she has never seen Juliet O’Hara look as ill as she did yesterday morning. The usually sweet-faced young woman had all the pallor of a Victorian ghost, and stood so far away from Shawn in any given room that to an unassuming observer he might have had the plague.

There are only a handful of things, Karen thinks, that could have invited that particular evolution in their dynamic. She rips the surgical tape from its canister a little bit more harshly than is strictly necessary and fights the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

“So,” she says conversationally, laying the tape down in neat, gentle little strips, trying not to pinch the wound too tightly. “Any fun plans for the evening?”

Shawn sniffs. She can see him gripping his hands together over his knee from where she stands above him.

“Um, yeah, uh –” he clears his throat, “you know me, Chief. We’re working our way through a Robert Guillame marathon, which means some good old fashioned Benson, running commentary on the quality of that child acting, naturally.”

“Naturally.” 

“Then Gus and I were gonna hit up the new, the new chili cheese joint up by Hermosa, you know – they’re doing sliders –”

“Chili cheese sliders?” Karen hums, contemplative.

“Buy ‘em by the pound,” Shawn agrees. “Then I was thinking of getting a tattoo, maybe a belly button piercing, I’ve been really – really needing a change – would you let Iris get one, if she asked?”

“A tattoo?” Karen clarifies, cutting off the next piece of tape. The skin around the cut is warm to her touch but Shawn’s arms have goosepimpled. The hair at the back of his head sticks up unstyled, like he slept weirdly and couldn’t be bothered to fix it come morning.

“Of a marmoset. That’s what I’m thinking. With distinctly effeminate vibes.”

“Well, Dick hates marmosets. So I’d probably encourage her toward something else. Perhaps a sea lion.”

“Like Shabby.” The nervous note has bled into his legs again, and his earlier subdued tone has gone back to sounding strained. “Yeah, that’ll – that could be it.”

“All in one night, huh?” Karen says.

“I –” Shawn doesn’t even hiss when she presses down with a cotton gauze to cover the last of the thickened blood. His legs are properly jittering again. “I was – yeah, y-you know me, Chief, total night owl.”

“Shawn?”

“Yeah?”

“What about going home?”

Silence. Shawn doesn’t answer for a moment long and pregnant enough that Karen wonders if her question will be ignored entirely. 

Then,

“Chief,” he says finally, in an awful, tiny little voice, “I really, really fucked up.”

Finally, her hands do falter in their ministrations; as emotionally exuberant as Shawn often is, she doesn’t think she’s ever actually heard him close to tears. For a horrible moment she wonders if Shawn Spencer will suddenly start crying atop her toilet seat for reasons neither of them are capable of discussing honestly. Then she wonders if her horror makes her a terrible boss.

Boss – mother – person.

Oh, dear.

She sets down the surgical tape and lays a ginger palm over the newly-bandaged gouge in his shoulder. It’ll probably scar, but not at all badly. She doesn’t like to think about the far more obvious one just below, puckering in a violent yet unassuming divot. Another narrow miss for Henry’s boy. 

At this point there are so many of them to count, Karen has to question the statistical likelihood of the whole thing. Becoming a mathematical anomaly is, Karen can attest with confidence, not exactly the future the Lieutenant Spencer she knew dreamed of for his increasingly unmanageable teenager. 

Doing what he loved, on the other hand – absolutely. Being with a person he loved, even more so. Karen grits her teeth at the irritating web she’s spent the last six years constructing around herself and wonders if this evening right here is some kind of cosmic karma for leaving Iris in the care of nannies for the first three years of her life.

That sounds like the kind of thing those horrible parenting magazines and Karen’s mother-in-law would claim, anyway.

“Shawn,” she says slowly, because she has to at least knock this possibility off the list before risking her career in an attempt to mediate her detectives’ love lives, “did you … you weren’t – unfaithful, were you?”

“What?!” 

Shawn yanks his shoulder away and whirls around to face her with such a look of horrified betrayal on his face that it’s almost comical. 

“No!” 

Thank fucking God, Karen thinks. Aloud, she says,

“Well, I’m sorry, I had to at least ask!”

“No! No! What the hell, Chief!”

“Oh would you be quiet! I’m gathering my evidence here!”

“How could I – I would never – you’d even think that I could –”

“I know! Shawn, for God’s sake –” He’s scrambled to his feet in the cramped bathroom space, glaring, and has probably messed up all that surgical tape in the process. The half open first aid kit and his crumpled shirt press lopsided against his front and her garbage can is now full of oxidizing bits of cotton. Karen officially gives in to the urge to press her palms against her forehead. “I had to ask!” she repeats finally. “You and I both know you’re not gonna give me much else to work with, and you sounded so – so sad!” 

Shawn barks out a hysterical little laugh. Karen almost growls in frustration. 

“I am not going to risk all the very hard-earned rules I have in place without knowing for sure that my instincts aren’t wrong. Is that so hard to appreciate?”

Does it count as sound police work when the framework for your investigation is an unacknowledged lie? Karen doesn’t really know. Probably there’s another math metaphor to be made in there (you screwed your proof from the very beginning, maybe, Richard the professor would definitely have thoughts), or just a straight up joke. How to solve a case that’s cold before it ever has the chance to go live; a cover-up if she ever saw one. Unlikely that O’Hara will peep a word, and things will be a true mess for a few weeks, if she can’t make an educated guess about it. And no one will be explaining anything to Carlton, either …

Right before their goddamn audit, Karen thinks, aggrieved. She wonders if Henry considered this in his calculus. Send Shawn over, have her deal with him. Offer a huge unspoken you’re gonna be walking into a shitstorm tomorrow canary for her perennially chaotic mess of a coal mine. 

She can’t help but feel begrudgingly grateful, but that doesn’t mean she and he won’t be having words about this later.   

“Jesus, Karen,” Shawn mutters, pressing his face back into his free hand. Karen shakes her head and squares her shoulders.

“Well then! Back to the issue. You fucked up.”

“You know what? I can’t talk about this with you.”

“Oh, Mr. Spencer, I assure you I am more than well aware.”

Shawn blinks at her between his fingers, looking genuinely confused for the first time since he showed up at her door. 

Karen does not bother to clear up his confusion; it’s better this way, anyhow.

“Will you be sleeping at Gus’s place or your father’s?” she asks, crossing her arms.

“I’m – I don’t –” Shawn doesn’t meet her eye. The earlier thread of anxiety is back. “I wasn’t …”

So, neither. 

“Put your shirt back on,” she says. “We’re relocating to the living room.”

“Chief –”

“That was an order, Mr. Spencer.”

The living room is as quiet and mundane as it was an hour ago. It’s past Iris’s bedtime – she’ll have to go up, and soon at that. Karen seats her guest, retrieves a mug and a bag of chamomile from the kitchen, and removes the fluffy throw blanket from the basket behind the couch on her way back in. He’s deflated completely by the time the tea and blanket are set in front of him. Small and exhausted. Caught. It’s a horrible way to think about it. But she can’t avoid the hundred yard stare – Karen has seen it one too many times in people only just realizing they’re about to go away for life.

“Shawn,” she says, firm as she can make it. “Drink the tea. You’re dehydrated.”

“I’m … what?”

“Your lips are dry. You shouldn’t be dehydrated with a concussion.”

He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and Karen suddenly wonders if he’s going to get up and leave. She has experience with these things – she knows a runner when she sees one.

“I might as well have,” Shawn finally whispers.

She doesn’t catch it the first time. “What?”

“I – I might as well ha – Chief, I …” Deep shuddering breaths. He’s finally shutting down, she realizes. She can’t send him back out like this; Henry would give her the stink eye for a month.

Goddamn Spencers and their goddamn irritating overcomplicated lives.

Karen pushes the tea directly into his hands and tilts her chin so she can meet Shawn’s eye. He’s still lucid enough that she doesn’t think he’ll start hyperventilating, but now that the outrage and adrenaline has worn off, the symptoms of shock are pretty hard to miss. “Shawn,” she says again, and wills for him to understand.

“What if she – what if I never –” He can’t get the full sentence out. He looks at her, eyes wide and terrified.

Life sentence, Karen thinks again. The messy stack of files Shawn brought over sits almost unimportantly on the coffee table between them and a memory comes to her, unbidden, of words penned carefully in the corner of a modified police report that she pulled the minute the door closed on the McCallum case seven years ago. 

Date: May 4th, 1995. Reporting Officer, Spencer, Lt. H. Perpetrator a caucasian male, brown hair, five foot nine, insists on wearing those stupid earrings just to spite me. What the hell do you want me to write here, Chief? Spent two hours in the fucking principal’s office convincing them not to expel him one month off from graduation. All that effort, and I still booked the kid. It’s gonna follow him for life, and it’s gonna be me that did it to him. For life. You think he’ll ever forgive me? He’s the greatest thing in my pathetic little world and he keeps breaking my heart, and I can’t even properly accept that it’s my fault. 

How’s that for a fucking crime.

She needs to go put her daughter to bed. It’s the thought that keeps running through her head, oddly enough, like a strange antidote to the impotent anger and heartbreak and frustration she’s feeling for the people under her care.

With all the notes she took in that little workbook, she still let herself become complicit in the painstaking, convoluted resolution of Henry’s mistakes without accounting for all the variables.  

Richard’s footsteps sound muffled in the next room; he’s made his way upstairs in Karen’s absence. She needs to go. She wants to hear the soft and sleepy love you Mama that with her unpredictable hours and regular long nights isn’t nearly routine enough.

“Shawn,” she says evenly. “Do you love her?”

It’s hard to reconcile the smarmy kid who tried to barter with her for twelve hundred a day with the devastated young man sitting on the couch in front of her.

“Chief …” he starts, barely above a whisper.

“Good. Then she’ll see that. Detective O’Hara is a smart and observant woman. What she chooses to do next is her decision, but … you might be – well, comforted by the fact that she’ll know that – truth.”

Shawn stares at her. The tea steams in front of him, cooling in increments. She takes a deep breath and gets to her feet, patting his uninjured shoulder brusquely. 

“I have to go check on Iris. When I come back down, I can drive you to the Psych office.”

Iris is fast asleep when she gets there. A library book lays open face down over her stomach, and her soft brown hair fans out against the pillow, silhouetted by the soft glow of the unicorn nightlight in the wall above her. Karen turns off the bedside lamp, tucks her daughter in, and kisses her forehead. Just before she leaves, she hears it: murmured, half-awake.

“Love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Karen goes back to her living room, car keys in hand. She’s planned her next move in the driver’s seat enough times throughout her career that it shouldn’t be too hard. 

[insert-stupid-username]

Ranking drivers based on how badly I want be there friend. Dont hate yall this is soley for fun:

Max Verstappen: I feel like he would enjoy the random tik toks I send him, also I think we would have so much fun playing minecraft and I want to introduce him to the sims. also I really want to be able to send him the really bad f1 POV's on tik tok, like the funny joke ones where the drivers say pookie and baby girl every single line and it ends with kimi or oscar going I am here also

Lewis Hamilton: Roscoe. I want to meet and play with Roscoe so bad. Thats like the main reason. My side reason is so I can ask him so many questions about brosadies. Also wouldnt it be hilarius to find and send like nico rosberg edits...OR HAMILTON EDITS TO HAMILTON

Alex Albon: his animals. I think he would be a good freind to have and that he would care and listen but I REALLY love animals so the main reason I want to be friends with him is for his pets

Charles Leclerc: leo leclerc. that dog is amazing. Also if Im friends with Charles that means I can become frineds with Alexandra. Like she is so amazing and I want to be her friend so bad. If i have to go through charles I would.

Liam Lawson: I want to watch cars with him and also share my realisation that there was a cars 9/11 and cars mcr and cars twilight and cars fanfic and cars fifty shades. I know this all becasue in cars 2 there was TSA and TSA was created becasue of 9/11 I feel like he would either be horriffied or delighted that cars smut exsit both smut of the cars in the movie and smut in the cars universe. (side note but wtf would that even be like?) (if you want more cars implications let me know I WILL go down the rabbit hole) I just want him to thinkabout the implications (yes this was all realised at a very VERY late night strike a few years ago)

Carlos Sainz: I feel like if I tried to have one deep convo with him he would no longer be attractive to me. I dont even like the dude but holy hell he has some attractive moments where I forget that I dont like him

Oscar Piastri: I want to meet lily. Also I think based on the few irl freinds I have that we would get pretty good. Also I want to show him the sims, I think he would be a nice person to rant about my fixations to

Logan Sargeant: I like swimming and like tubbing, I think it would be fun to convince him to try and kill me while tubbing. Given the fact that he does race fast cars I bet he would drive a boat fast and fun ESSPECIALLY when I want to get dumped in the water. Also I feel like he would like he would have some fun random opions on things. like have you met frat guys? there so hit or miss but when they are hit they HIT

Yuki Tsunoda: I want to swear with him. I think it would be fun. Immagioning the stuff we could get up to sounds like so much fun

Franco Colapinto: Dude being friends with this guy would either help my celeberty crush or hurt it. he flirts with EVERYONE which can be so fun, but like if he flirted with me even as a joke it would be so awkward.

George Russell: I just want to see how long hell last until he gets too annoyed and leaves

Lance Stroll: I want to see how long I last before I say something rude and a tiny bit mean, cause if anyone can push my buttons in a way that gets me talking its rich people. even if they are nice rich people I still get annoyed

Zhou Guanyu: he seems like a nice lad but Im not sure what we would talk about

Daniel Ricciardo: I want to know EVERYTHING I feel like I could get him to spill so much info, but also that shouldnt be a reason to be friends with people cause thats not nice

Valtteri Bottas: I would like to introduce him to martial arts than sit back cause I will either laugh or be impressed

Fernando Alonso: I want to know how long I could go before I want to punch him

Checo: How long could I resist the urdge to start yelling and storm out the room

Nico Hulkenberg: I cant think of anything good or bad he just reminds me of my father

Esteban Ocon: I dont know why but I think we just wouldnt get along

Kevin Magnussen: again he reminds me of my father. Nico and Kevin are like the same person different fonts to me

Pierre Gasly: I think I would try and punch him too much, like all the f1 videos hes in I just find him pretenshus and a bit rude

Lando Norris: I just dont like this man. Everything he says gets on my nervs. The only reason he is not booted from my list is cause I think SOME of his friends seem like people I could mabye get along with

We have discovered that I really like animals and want to be friends with most of the drivers soley to pet there pets and send them annoying tik toks

[brerosee]

Dinner with the parents//Alyssa Thompson

Authors notes:this was a request I’m not good at writing actual fics so I’m sorry I’ll try my best to get to your requests bare with me thank youu😊

To say Alyssa was terrified was an understatment. Today was the day she would be meeting your parents for the first time, and she was so scared of what they would think of her.

Your and Alyssa's relationship is still fairly new having only been dating for 4 months as of last week,but who's counting? So here you are getting ready in your shared bathroom of your apartment and you hear alyssa call out your name.

"Y/N, please come here" alyssa called out in a shaky voice. you set down your makeup you were applying and walk over to her, "Is this too much,should i change?" She asks franticaly. You smile softly walking over to her and grab her face "you look perfect." You say in a reassuring tone.

you knew she was nervous but you already knew your parents would love her, I mean who wouldnt? "what if they hate me." Alyssa says once again in a frantic tone. "what if they dont want me to see you anymore." She says.

"Alyssa honey they already do love you,they know how good you treat me and they basically already like you more than me." you say with a soft laugh.

Alyssa looks into your eyes "i love you." she whispers, 'I love you too, but we really need to get a move on or we will be late and then they really wont like you." you say walking away laughing.

Once you arrive at your parents house you can feel Ayssa's hand sweating it was the whole way here as she made you drive because she quite frankly could not stop shaking.

You walk into your parents house without knocking and yell out "Mom,Dad?" you walk into the living room and having to pull alyssa with you. You see your dad sitting with your older brother who was visiting from college, he is only 2 years older than you. they look up from the football game they were watching "Hey there they are" your dad says walking over to you pulling you into a hug.

Your dad lets you go and you pull your brother into a hug while your dad looks over to Alyssa, and your poor girlfriend looks scared to death she steps out from behind you and sticks her hand out to shake your dads hand, but instead he pulls her into a hug.

your mom walks out from the kitchen from hearing the comotion and sees Alyssa and walks straight past you to pull her into a bone crushing hug "Im so happy to finally meet you, Just call me mom your family now." she holds onto her shoulders.

"Goodness were are my manners are you hungry? im making pasta i hope thats ok?" your mom says still not even looking at you. "that sounds perfect thank you." Alyssa says still shocked by the warm welcome.

"Oh Y/n im so sorry come here." your mom says and grabbing you and hugging you. "y/n you help me cook, Alyssa you can sit down and relax." your mom says pulling you into the kitchen.

Alyssa stands there looking at you not knowing what to do, you jsut send her a sympathetic look knowing how worried she still is.

She walks into the living room taking a seat next to your brother on the couch. "So alyssa what do you do?" your dad asks curiosly. "oh i um play soccer for Angel City FC and also play for the national team."she says

"oh wow so you play professional, you know back in my day i played i little, might have to teach you some tricks." your dad says jokinly. Alyssa laughs and then hears your mom call out saying dinner was ready.

You all sit the dinner table and you hold alyssa's hand under the table. "So alyssa Y/n has told us so much about you,says you play soccer?" your mom says breaking the silence.

"Yeah i do we have a game next week actually if yall would like to come i could get you tickets." alyssa says looking around at them. "We would love to come!" your dad says smiling at her

After dinner you guys decide to play a few board games you losing and end up pouting but its whatever. Alyssa seemed to be having a great time and your parents and brother get along great with her and you couldnt be happier.

So when you and alyssa finally are home in your shared bed getting ready to go to sleep she looks over at you "Thank you." she says "for what?" you ask confused.

"For letting me meet them i reall hope i made a good impression."she says moving closer to you putting her arms around you holding you close to her.

'They loved you." you say pushing your face into her neck cuddling into her. "i love you.' Alyssa says holding you tighter. When you dont answer she looks down at you sleeping peacfully. she jsut smiles and kisses your forhead drifting off to sleep aswell.

[infernothechaosgod]

Hey guys so the ask box's getting closed for a while probably like a week or so and so is the whole blog

explanation under

ever since that last ask telling me oswalds married to ortensia and its weird of me to use fanny i've had to deal with stuff like this sometimes popping up in my ask box

its been infersting my ask box at very random mostly bc I think its one person or few people since these asks are diffrently spelled and worded sometimes remembering im here and feeling this need to send me this sometimes, Despite me not posting that much (at least i think its not much) oswald x fanny content in the first place

I haven't been responding to these asks because i think one of the goals of theirs might be making me try to "slip up" by saying something like idk "ortensia sucks" in the fit of #internetRage and making my mutuals who like ortensia upset with me...but that obviously hasn't been working too well lol because

1 this stuff doesnt make me feel the need to respond and doesnt anger me more so sometimes saddnes me but not that much you know?

and 2 i dont think ortensia sucks or anything, shes there, i really like some versions of her i dont use her bc like i said already i dont know how to write her too well and i dont wanna force myself to add a whole character in because like...if idk how to write her how do you expect me to use her? Do you want me to just make her stand next to oswald and thats it? if thats it then I could argue thats far worse than not having her in like from writers perspective way worse

these asks have been attempting to more and more justify their rudness towards me like how above you can see they say its disrespectful to disney (thats a bonus for me mate), that me not using ortensia means im a bad writer and that fanny's been toxic to oswald in the old shorts, all these things make my head turn tbh I think there all very easy to debunk

Also fanny hasn't been used in over 90 years i think the point they were trying to make with that is im not creative/oryginal bc of not wanting to write ortensia bc "i could not think of anything to expand her" but like fanny's got way less screentime than ortensia and has never had a speaking role and I did or at least im attempring to do exactly that with her but they talk about her like i took an already existing freshed out character and used her bc its easier witch really confuses me more than upsets me in any way

Since I dont wanna start drama of any kind but also since these asks have been really getting on my nerves now i've decided to close the ask box and after making this post i'll probably log out for a while probably about a week, i'll return with tcc comic pages and hopefuly will get to open the ask box soon after, im sorry to everyone who wanted to aks me stuff ik there are still some asks in my box I haven't answeared yet that arent this stuff you'll get your answears when I comeback and clean my aks box thecause it looks atrocious right now

So yea see ya in a week yall im sorry for shutting the blog down for so long but I think focusing on my stuff and moving away from all this will do good for me

Please take care - flame ❤️

[the-s1lly-corner]

JONATHAN AND GN!READER AND THEIR ANTICS !!!!!!!

Antics w/ Jonathan and Reader!

I did a similar post yesterday!! (Linked at the end, hopefully, I'm mobile and sometimes tumblr can be weird)

I'm so so sorry it took my so long to get this request <\\3 I was trying to come up with new ideas so it could be different than the other ask <\3, which I highly recommend checking out! Imma be real I'm not totally confident in how this one turned out so that second post can be like an extra/make up <\3

I wasnt sure if you wanted this to be platonic or have them dating so!! It's mostly written as vague in that department!!

Jonathan doesn't strike me as the person who goes out and does things a lot

Just. Wake up, work, home, sleep, repeat.. he'll sometimes send texts to friends and family to schedule a lunch here and there but

That's about it, hes not very social

So a lot of these antics are really going to be made through you making the plans; with the shenanigans really being unplanned byproducts

Honestly I can totally see Jonathan starting shit with someone, be it accident or on purpose, prompting both of yall having to hightail it out of the area

Reminds me of that part from one of the diary of a wimpy kid movies, where greg n rodrick do that fake puke prank on the guy and have to make a run for it

Actually I can totally see yall subtly being menaces and fucking with people

Maybe not a fake puke prank persay but

Yk?

No crime stuff; I only really see that becoming a thing after he becomes Spot! Both from how he worded his whole "turning to a life of crime" thing and the fact he just

Lacks the experience and confidence

Moving on

Maybe it's just my "let's get silly with the writing" part of me, or it's my need for chaos (arguably the same thing), but

I feel like

Somehow, you guys would accidentally probably maybe kinda sorta

Wreak havoc in ways spot could only dream of (before doing the whole. Bouncing across the multiverse thing)

Yall could probably start the day wanting to go to some food truck and

End it by spending a night in jail

Neither of you are allowed anywhere near food trucks after that /j

No but serious note, Jonathan is basically a hermit, he doesnt like leaving his apartment unless he has to; people are just, so

Eeuuughchk!

So when you two hang out it's either his place or yours

But that's not to say it isnt fun!

Hes got normal stuff people have in their homes, like board games and consoles

And also science doohickies

Yeah people have that in their houses, that's a normal thing

Ngl if you give him any ideas for machines or whatnot hes totally going to give it a try

See previous post with a trans s/o, he would make the transgenderinator if you asked him to

Well now hes just turning into doof

Ykw

I feel like he'd take you to alchemax to show off stuff but like

If you asked nicely

How can he say no to that face?

And also he has no backbone

That's not to say you would pressure him, though! Because that's not cool, dont pressure people. But like, he would cave in the way of "I know it's not that serious and I know they'll probably understand if I say no, but I don't want to ever risk disappointing them ever in my life, so I'm gonna say yes!" Kind of way

He just like me frfr

And this is assuming you even know about alchemax

Which personally, unless you're in some way associated with it, I'm p sure be would have a strong boundary to keep you out of it

This is really just turning into a general ramble <\3

Anyways

I dont have many ideas since I struggle with general hcs like this but!! Yeah!! Definitely recommend the linked post for a better more cohesive (?) List of ideas and hcs!! This post kinda

Made me realize I dont have many hcs for Jonathan outside of making his personality a smart pathetic science man

Gotta fix that , give him some hobbies n stuff in the future

Link to a similar post!

[wassupmygays]

ummm hello I would like way more about hunger games au pls I'll take anything wheres Jimmy where's Tango wheres Scar from I will take whatever you give me I will go feral over this thank you

!!!! ok first off i just wanna say u made my day with this ask im so excited that other people r excited abt this and want to hear my explosions (also i definitely want to make individual profile posts for each tribute so this will be. sparknotes of what i have thought up so far :D) Tango - i have tango in district 3, along with mumbo. district 3 is the technology district, and with mumbos redstone contraptions and tango's decked out programming, it felt very obvious placements to me :] i dont think they were very close at all before the games. not in a bad way, just they didn't cross eachothers paths all that much (subject to change but in life series canon theyre never on the same team iirc). theyre cordial in the proceedings before the games but dont train together or plan to team up. tango, skizz, and bigb eventually ally together during the training days before the games! (aka heart foundation) Jimmy - jimmy and scar are actually from the same district, district 11! 11 is the agriculture district, and to place jimmy in this district i pulled from his ranchers and empires sheriff vibes if that makes sense. i also just know that 11 is one of the poorest districts and doesn't usually do well in the games, and we all know jimmy in these games. (i considered jimmy in 12 bc of the canary thing, but skizz and impulse r from there and i figured putting him somewhere else is fun too!) scar - as said above, scar is from district 11! i don't think he is expected to do super well in the games from the reaping, but during interviews its clear that he has the charisma to get some sponsors. i honestly haven't thought up all that much for scar yet but dw i will (he literally wins. how could i ignore him) fun fact! scar and jimmy were going to kind of team together, but during the first day of training, scott (career tribute) makes some joke to gem about how they wouldnt stand a chance if they teamed together bc of their district. jimmy let this get in his head and decided to split from scar, causing both of them to be loners at the start of the games. jimmy eventually finds martyn during the games and they ally bc of reasons (that i can get into if we want to), but scar stays relatively alone honestly most of these tributes and their district placements are pretty set in my mind, except for martyn, cleo, and bigb, who i still can't figure out where to put (if anyone has suggestions pls send them lmao). ive got some bits and plot points from the series already worked out into a hunger games universe, but a lot of it i dont! if theres any specific part of the series anyone wants to ask about, please do!! i work best when someone tells me what to brainstorm on lmao. anyways lol hope yall r liking this! i dont have any clue if it will gain any traction, but i've been thinking abt this au so much since the finale and i wanted to try and share it and talk about it with people :D pls send comments or asks abt any of it if you want to !!!

[burntb4bydoll]

CAN YOU DO A GUSTAV SMUT ON WHERE HIS LIKE JEALOUS AND YELLS AT READER BUT THEN HE FEElS BAD AND So HE MAKES IT UP BY YK 😈

YALL JUST LIKE ME FR IM A WHORE FOR SOME JEALOUS SMUT

Gustav Schafer x fem!reader

Warnings: oral (fem!receiving), hair pulling, hickeys, fingering, jealous Gustav🤭

The car ride home was silent, Gustav wouldn’t talk to you no matter what you said. You knew he was mad but you didn’t think he was that mad. As you drove home, you could feel him getting more and more frustrated but he still wouldn’t tell you what his problem was.

Once you got home he immediately headed for the bedroom, completely ignoring your presence. You stormed into the room after him and demanded to know why he was acting like that.

“You’re seriously gonna pretend you don’t know? I don’t believe for a second that you didnt do that on purpose to piss me off.” He raised his voice at you and you could feel yourself growing confused.

“Gustav, what are you talking about? What did I do?” He takes a step closer to you, still giving you dirty looks.

“The whole night that guy was flirting with you and you let him! You were flirting back too! Im not stupid, y/n.” your eyes stung with tears as he yelled the accusations at you. He seemed to notice because his face was suddenly wiped of all anger, leaving him with a remorseful expression. “Y/n Im sorr-“

“No. Since you think I’m flirting with other guys, I’ll just go sleep on the couch. Have fun being a dick.” You turn to walk away from him but his hand catches your wrist,

“No, no. I’m sorry. I was just jealous and I took it out on you…” he turns your hand and presses a soft kiss to your knuckles. He pulls you closer and holds the side of your neck gently. “I’m really sorry. I should’ve listened to your side of the story first. Im gonna make it up to you..”

“…how?” You were still upset but you couldn’t deny that you were curious about what he was gonna do. Gustav smiles and lifts you off the ground by your waist. “Gustav!” You yelped, grasping his shoulder out of shock. Laughing, he tosses you on the bed and starts to kiss your neck. Lust clouds your mind as he sucks harsh hickeys onto your neck, marking you as his.

“Gonna eat your pretty pussy baby..” your eyes widen at his vulgar words, a soft gasp escaping your lips. His hands quickly pull of your pants, and he groans at the sight of your soaked panties. (I fucking hate that word im sorry) You’re basically putty in his hands already, and you can feel heat rushing to your face in embarrassment of how quickly he can turn you on. His lips kiss your in thighs for minute before sucking more hickeys onto the sensitive skin. After he decides that he’s marked you up enough he pulls your underwear down your legs, leaving your bottom half naked. You can feel his gaze on you as his fingers trail over your bare cunt.

“Gustav…please dont tease.” You beg, hip thrusting up to try and get some friction against his large hand. He smirks and giggles at your needy voice,

“Ok honey, im sorry. Ill give you want you want.” With that, he dives his head down to start lapping at your wetness. Your body jolts and you quickly uses one of your hands to tug his face closer by his hair. He moans into you, sending vibrations through your body.

“Fuck…you’re so good! S-so good..” your rambling is silenced once he slips his fingers inside of you, making you moan instead. What you don’t realize is how hes also getting off on this. To him, this is a way of claiming you. He wants everyone to know that you’re his, and only his. The thought of everyone knowing who you belong to is enough to make him rut into the bed and groan into your pussy.

“You’re mine. No one else can have you, my good girl.” Your body shivers and you sigh at the possessive tone of his voice being muffled my your cunt. His free hand reaches up your body to hold your hips against the mattress, trying to stop you from squirming. You can feel your orgasm sneaking through your body, making your thighs squeeze around his head.

“Gonna cum, please don’t stop. I need to cum so bad!” He didn’t say anything he just finger fucks you harder and sucks on your clit, watching as you cum on his face. He continues to pleasure you through your orgasm before sitting up and licking his lips. His face was covered in a mixture of your juices and his saliva. You rolled your eyes and giggled at the goofy smile he was giving you.

“You’re so pretty. I love you, my pretty girl.”