#all I can do is feel the rot coming on
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Hhhhhhhh I need to get up and go out for my nature walk but I Do Not want to and UGH 🫠
#ugh god I’m not looking forward to the cold weather#I’m gonna be in rot mode until like. the end of april 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#you would think that at 30 years old I’d finally have some fall/winter coping mechanisms but Nope#all I can do is feel the rot coming on#sleeping until 8am instead of naturally waking up around 6#not wanting to go anywhere or do anything and so my body just absolutely saps me of energy and UGH#I love having seasonal affective disorder on top of all my other regular bullshit#negative
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OK AND ANOTHER THING
I have to give credit to Amen and Evthys’s enemies to lovers plot and Amen’s character. How many times have I read “it’s enemies to lovers” and it’s just two people who sorta hated each other but now it’s fine. How many times have I read “he’s brooding and bad and has done horrible things” but he also saves kittens from trees and helps orphans in his spare time?
Like she pulled no punches. Amen wants to kill Evthys, he thinks about it often. Evthys knows he will kill her, knows and loves him almost against her will anyway. They know what they are, they know they’re destined for tragedy but they can’t help themselves. That is what enemies to lovers should be.
And the follow through with Amen. She told us the man is a monster and the man is in fact a monster. He doesn’t have a heart of gold, he doesn’t secretly help orphans or donate money in his spare time. He is a hunter, a killer, and he does not pretend or act otherwise. He tortures and he kills and he isn’t kind about it even when she asks him to be. There’s no way to excuse his actions and there shouldn’t be. There should be no “but it’s ok because” — it’s not ok, it’s fucked, and that’s the point.
Their relationship is fucked, but it’s what enemies to lovers is supposed to be. He’s what a morally gray character is supposed to be. These are not supposed to be happy or kind things. In scn they’re not sugar coated in any way and that’s part of what makes it just so freaking good.
If you hate Amen, good you’re supposed to. If you love Amen anyway, good you’re supposed to. That’s the trap and tragedy of enemies to lovers—it’s a car crash you can’t look away from, because no matter how bad it gets you’re always hoping they survive. You’re always hoping that somehow all of this will end and they’ll be happy, no matter how unlikely that is.
#I have brain rot how can I not#good GOD this book#I feel like I’m on a ledge rn fr#like she said he is a monster and he is a MONSTER#there’s no excuses to be made and he makes none and it does something for me#it was just all so well written#dia doing everything she could to the end#amen being completely unforgiving#he has not made a special exception for evthys he’s just not sure what she is yet#but what will he do when it comes down to the wire?#can he really kill her? even he doesn’t know#AND IT MAKES ME CRAZY#romance club#rc#song of the crimson nile#scn#rc amen#rc evthys#amen x evthys
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hi hello gals and gays. Here is a rare wav from me struggling with the flu. The virus has mainly been in my chest but my entire body is so wrecked I was able to induce super easily. No talking bc I’m literally unable to 😭 Do not listen if you can't stand harsh coughing because it gets a bit rough. If it sounds a bit weird the first half of the recording is from yesterday and the second half is from today, bc the coughing is so much worse in the second half lmao. Ok that's it thankkk you for feeding me so good lately tumblr love u all <3
also personal rant about ableism and intentional contagion in the comments :///
#ok like I haven't been this sick in literal years and cuz im disabled i'm super mindful of spreading germs to others.#and i've had some family staying with me so I was like great leave me here to rot in my cave guys#my partner has been rlly attentive and is like i don't care about germs tehe so yesterday he comes into my room#and gives me a bunch of kisses on my head then swoops in and kisses me ON THE MOUTH#like im sorry i've been lying in a pool of feverish sweat for days and can hardly breathe what part of that makes someone go ooo gimme?#like ya hes just trying to love me but i put so much effort into being clean and now i will feel really guilty when he gets sick#sorry not sorry intentional contagion is not cute or sexy at all its just irresponsible#like i would love to live the life where my body works so well that I don't give a second thought to KISSING someone with the flu#i just feel like able bodied people never think about what its like living with a disability or a chronic illness#or have the slightest inclination of how privileged they are#my partner isn't even a fetishit he is just a dumbass#but ya i just wish he and the general population would think more :/#snzblr#snz#illness kink#snzfucker#snz wav#snzzzzz#snz blog#anyway thats all do what u want with my horn post
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i feel so bad for nwjns tbh i feel like they've been HEAVILY brainwashed by mhj bc you can't tell me this obsession with her and constantly acting like she's the sole reason for their success is normal
#plus with all the grooming allegations it's just.........#i hope these girls are safe#as someone watching from the outside it really feels like mhj has manipulated them and continues to do so#and that they feel obligated to risk their necks for them#creating a new yt account to make a livestream demanding her return is insane#and don't get me wrong i'm not defending hybe#hybe AND mhj can both rot in hell for all i care#but nwjns trying to force hybe to meet their demands? they might not come back after that
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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the constant emphasis on the can of alcohol though… it’s like it’s telling us that yuko’s too deep in her vices/self-indulgence that she’s completely oblivious to how much her younger son loves and cares for her…
#in other words… maybe shibasaki yuko was *the* yoidore shirazu after all—#though come to think of it… the lxl movie only ever showed us the worst interactions between aizo and yuko. so.#maybe she’s a better mother when she’s sober off-screen or something? idk. it doesn’t absolve her of all her misdeeds but. still.#lowkey feel bad for her though. bad divorce coping mechanisms really do change you for the worse… maybe.#especially when you’re not the main one at fault for the divorce… but still. taking it out on your kids is going way too far.#the cans kind of gave me flashbacks to my own yuko-esque parent though… sigh. time to never listen to hahaoyatte ever again#i have many thoughts on it but. yeah. no. i get the feeling that i’ll venture too far into projecting territory if i continue lol#but ngl i absolutely love how neither of the brothers bother to try to redeem shibasaki dad lmfaoooo i hope he’s rotting offscreen or sth#anyways. that’s all from me. next time you see me i’ll be with my kawaikute gomen manga bc it finally came in ayayaayayayayayayayyayayayyyyy
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michael's physical fate mirroring his emotional trauma is so perfectly engineered to make me fucking insane and that choice was not intentional at AAAALLLL
#love writing a character with barely any/absolutely terrible source material with the rawest fucking concepts and symbolic threads ever.#it doesn't make me lose my mind at all#michael who has his insides hollowed out who is LITERALLY piloted around like a puppet only to be abandoned a shell of who he once was.#doomed to live on as something awful to stay hidden in shadows to despise looking in the mirror the sheer dissociation and dissonance that#comes with it. it is such a good symbolic mirror to how grief trauma and abuse has effected him how he can't look in the mirror without#seeing william. FEELING used after being beckoned to the warehouse under the promise of doing good and being of use and maybe even approved#of or loved only to have the last shred of a possible life taken from him. whatever william Intended in bringing michael to SL can you#imagine how emotionally devastating grappling with it was on TOP of literally fucking rotting. no wonder he finally decided on revenge.#this has been ping ponging around my brain all day and i could just let it keep spiraling sorry#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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i wish i could just sleep forverr or maybe just be able to rot in bed every day every hour but i cant and it makes me so sad
#vent#vent in tags#<- yah#im just so#im so miserable#all i do is think about suicide and sleep#its all i really wanna do anyways#i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. i drink water. i eat if i feel i deserve it (i dont). i pace i walk. i feed my dog i let her out.#and what else#nothing interests me anymore but then again thats like. thats been the norm for awhile i guess#i make myself do the things i love because i hope it'll make me happy but it just#it doesnt#it distracts me#just for a little while#but once i stop i immediately go back to nothing.#when i was younger i never understood when therapists asked if i felt 'empty' i thought it was silly but now#that's the only way i can describe it#if im not miserable and suicidal i'm just nothing#the only thing i can really feel anymore besides misery is guilt that fades faster than it comes and anger#if im lucky i'll get a taste of adrenaline but#kicks rock#is it too much to ask to just feel something other than#yeah#just for a moment#thats all i want#im so sad#i dont want to get better anymore but i do but wouldn't it be so much easier to rot?#i'll die before 20 either way so what does it matter
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i mean i should probably stop saying shit just to be mean
#on the other hand....#the social environment cultivated on here almost demands it lest i let people walk all over me#definitely one of those skills i picked up in childhood to survive social situations back then#not a great skill. not even one i particularly like using. in fact i hate this part of me that feels the need to be judgemental#the logical part of me- the more ~~evolved~~ part of my spirit you could say knows its stupid and has hated doing it since forever#i completely stopped for a while. and then my abusive ex did all the shit they did so i felt like i had to dig that judgemental asshole sid#back up to defend myself bc ik thats the level they operate on. but it also started being the level a lot of ppl on here operated on soon#after (and im not entirely unconvinced they weren't an influence as to why people became more of an asshole on here)#(them or twitter. probably a mix of both but mostly twitter users coming here lol. also had to be an ass on twitter to survive)#so now i feel like i have to cling on to this side of myself i was more than happy to let rot in the dirt bc if i dont then people are gonn#use my vulnerability and niceness and lack of desire to use ad hom n shit against me so they can bully and abuse me and say whatever#and i have to keep this image up of being unphased and happy all the time and then i snap and then its a whole problem to people#so basically be nothing ever bc ppl on here will think thats you forever moral of story i guess im not sure.#best advice i can give: dont exist online publicly in any significant way. if you wanna be a pfpless. bioless account that is your god give#fuckin right okay. never are you obligated to be part of this shit and im personally telling you its hell and if i knew then what i knew#now i would have never started coming on to tumblr in the first place. its cool i learned about all this queer stuff or whatever but it#sucks otherwise#tumblr. twitter. insta. any social media where the point is to make posts and write posts more than anything else#dont bother. so much is lost in text-style communication. bridging gaps is nearly impossible. you will always be misunderstood#i think thats the case for most vocal communication but ESPECIALLY digitally
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mob psycho(logical horror) 100
#Chatterbomb#There are some terrifying concepts in there they should be stretched more#That comic reminded me of junji itos The Long Dream#I’ll have to do a rewatch and write some stuff down#The mental prison stuff? Terrifying 10/10#Shigeo in fabricated world for six months is terrifying but I feel like being trapped in a static environment that only gets longer even#Though real world time has barely passed and you are all alone and you can’t escape and you can’t change the environment besides clawing at#The walls#day and night don’t pass with the sun and moon but your body is aging anyway#Nothing changes and you are running out of resources.#How long until you accept no one will come and save you? How much are you willing to starve while waiting for someone who left?#What if the world that trapped you won’t let you die? Starving for centuries without a sign of life#Thinking at some point you must have escaped. Or was it a dream within a dream? Can that happen? How many times have you fallen asleep?#How many dreams deep are you already in?#WHAT IF HE STARTED ROTTING#what if he was living in his own dead body!!!!! Would that be fucked up or what!!!!!#Something about reigen sparks a desire to see him experience pain disconnected with reality#The dreams in train hell are only getting longer. None of them are peaceful. He can’t tell if his hair is greying from aging or how much th#Dreams take a toll on him. How much time has really passed? Can he even rely on how his body is changing? Is it truly time who is#Responsible? Or is it him? Or the train itself?#What if all they found of him was a dryed up body with a beating heart and pulsating brain. Laying limp and clothing scattered#If I really indulge myself the scratched out days. When looked at from farther away. Still marking the potential days reads#Abandon all hope#ye who enter here#Which yeah that’s stretching into being ridiculous but it would be cool TO ME#Dante’s inferno you are so silly and special to me#I got really autistic here but <3 big fan of horror huge fan of suffering <333#ALSO!! taking inspiration from “heck” short film but the days might be counted by “sleeps” as time cannot accurately be measured in a place#That defies universal law#Ok I think I’m done now ok I’m normal probably
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just like practically everything in my life me ending up as a character artist is yet another cruel curse.. how am i supposed to create interesting and meaningful characters + worldbuilding when im a disabled shut-in with practically zero outsider contact and life experience bro. i dont want have evry character be me in some way or another yet it keeps happening subconsciously bc im the only good reference i have 😑 this shit sucks. why did i not get invested in painting landscapes or something instead.. sigh
#a character without lore and personality is just a design. i dont wanna be a char designer!! i wanna have some guys of my own!!#god it sucks to be so useless. i feel like i was born yesterday everyday#why do i even care about trying to do worldbuilding so much anyways. its not like id be able to come up with something original anyways#and because i literally never have anything going on i cant even have something to say with a story. its all pointless#also that post that its like. still takes effort to make bad art. yknow? my brain is mush at this point i can barely put down local colors#god i feel like im rotting mentally 100x quicker that i thought i would. what a pitiful existence to be..#dextxt
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devastated once again by the knowledge that no matter how much i change myself and shape up and make progress, i will only ever be Me at my core
#and thats.....#i feel like i have this stench to my soul#and no matter how i gussy up my body and achieve things and all that#everyone will be able to smell it#and it's rotten and terrible and as long as i'm me it will always be there#and i can only ever be Me#like. however many days i go making baby steps and feeling okay and maybe hopeful#it all comes crashing down when i remember that#i want to make friends but even without the social ineptitude#i know people can tell#what am i supposed to do?#how am i to counteract Myself?#you cant fake it til you make it out of a rotting core#and it has me wondering what even the point is#ntac about my bullshit#to the void with love
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"i will just write a few sentences" yeah. same story as usual, it got out of hand. rip. [insert surprised pikachu]
have some more cee and ezra bonding with a LOT of physical touch and sleepy cuddles, healing everyone's childhood trauma one word at a time.
#alex writes prospect#prospect 2018#prospect movie#cee and ezra#ezra and cee#cee prospect#ezra prospect#tooth rotting fluff because i dont care cringe is dead and i need to fucking comfort ok#cee and ezra and ellie and joel all live in my mind rent free and i rotate them all day long#to escape any hints of feelings or thoughts so i can keep everything inside until i die#skin to skin contact fic coming at some point#i did it for joel and ellie now i gotta do it for them
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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop
#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because#it becomes such a defining part of you#if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar#that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief#also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure#but anyway#i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like#like a dam about to burst#so i just closed the gate very fast#i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath#i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying#man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences#also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again#i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more#curiously excitedly#well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance#i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get#one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable#i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not#this is why boys will always be so scary to me#future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all#what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow
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