#again i havent been given a reason to feel weird about it

[ganondoodle]

so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

[p1x1x]

O o o o o can you describe the dynamics between Insight and Maya that you use? 😌

i initially didnt wanna answer this bc i am trying to explore this a little bit through lagrange and insight art but 😔😔 i’m very slow and impatient . and honestly i havent fully fleshed out everything so i might as well word vomit here. subject to change in the future, but for now…

what initially draws insight to maya is what maya represents to her. this “love” she has for people, for worlds, for what’s left behind, also extended towards maya. it didnt feel quite “romantic” and felt more like a “god loves all” vibe to me at first. but insight’s heart has never been set so aflame to this extent, so she’s really into “inspecting” maya…

personally i think there’s some different intention as to why insight, and let’s be real, pretty much assaulted maya (i honestly dont know if you’re allowed to say the actual terms here but i dont want to try tumblr lol). not that whatever intention would make it okay irl (that should be a given) but as far as the minds of fictional characters go—this sort of abstractish idea she’s been chasing is finally before her. after watching from afar for so long, she finally has something tangible, a form to work with…

(but then again, maybe she is just a gay freak yk. Damn they really wrote that in!!!! but yeah i like to think she’s making sure maya was “real”… in a way that was super weird. who can stop her though she’s got god-like powers…)

i like to think the “unraveling” nature that both maya and lagrange experience are the same… that everyone’s “construction” here is made up of glass—very, very fine glass thread. it’s one of the laws of arcaea, maybe, in the same way atoms make up our world… or something like that. anyway, while it probably happened just because insight was doing some fuckery with her powers and pulling her out of arcaea (and thus outside the laws of arcaea)… the idea of breaking something down to its very base construction seems like something insight would do to get to know this real, natural wonder of a miracle. nothing like the artificial miracles made by fellow seekers : P

i haven’t really seen anyone talk about it anywhere… but insight finding the making of miracles by her (or presumably any other seeker’s) hands unsettling is Interesting to me… enough to leave to search… it’d feel like it’d make sense if she just thought it was “boring” given her dramatic nature, but it’s discomforting. yet she loves other worlds, other things left by dead creators and im just. Wondering why… maybe bc i make stuff i think its an odd view and im probably really delusional right now considering i think she is set up to be an antagonist to arcaea or whatever and Oh look they’re starting to converge character stories together haha.

(i think this is a point of interest between lagrange and insight… insight might question the “honesty” of these miracles, could they even call them “miracles?” but in a jabby way… but lagrange’s line of thinking to me is “nothing happens without reason” even applied to “miracles”: that in their god-like state, of course miracles would be something that’s just made, it’d feel like a miracle to humans anyway…)

(so perhaps it’s the “certainty” of it all that she finds discomfort in, the rigidity that comes with a song, a lullaby, a Prediction… and why she loves arcaea for its uncertainty, fragility, birth from Emotion rather than logical structure (lagrange did say arcaea lacked intelligent design lololol) she still finds looking at the creations of other things fascinating but arcaea is truly something different in this universe…)

Tangent aside back to shikimaya: insight loves maya for what she is. i do like to think she’d try to find out everything about her (hobbies… singing? what else might maya like?) but the way she wants to know feels so separated as a person if that makes any sense? it doesnt make the love any less real its just Really weird. but she loves wholly!! i dont think she’d ever stop loving!!! truly fascinated!!!!

as for maya -> insight… maya is scared as fuck at first but it’s like. Hey i did wish for pain. and despair. it’s not like the guilt went away when she decided to walk the path of light. she did find understanding with those sad memories after all, now familiar in certain despair… but its never said what form insight keeps maya in when she takes her, so i just assumed she’s still in that string state… without her physical senses in tact, it feels like she’s barely existing in a void (like lagrange in the End). but its not by her own will, so there’s the fear factor adding onto losing all sense of time. the only thing that could come by in this state is insight herself—so for her own sanity she clings to her presence, otherwise she’d just have to be there as a… string of consciousness… she uncomfortably likes insight at some point (there is nothing she can do so. brain might as well try to feel Somewhat Fine with it. Copium. at least insight would never hate her (she has shown nothing of the sort ever)

really weird codependency (on one side at least) yuri to me. i dont know anymore .i like to make stuff up. i need to sleep

[classicjdiesandgoestohell]

one of my fav artists got called out for being a groomer/pedophile and i have mixed thoughts on it bc i don't Disbelieve it, im not defending her, but like not a single person has been able to show any evidence? Its all like "she was shitty to my friends" stuff. and part of the reason i don't disbelieve it is bc its very obvious that many other artists knew she was weird & havent been associates w/ her in years. certain people haven't ever collabed since the first time, whole groups of people dont follow her etc, so like shes probably a shitty person at the very least. but no one's shown a Single screenshot it's fucking insane. Literally nothing?

i saw someone say this and its like 2 years????? In 2 years you haven't found any Evidence??? Shes also not SECRETIVE about her different names, everyone knows they're her? except one acc which was made to be entirely separate from her music life. this just... Isnt weird to me. most music artists i like have 2+ projects, often times like 6+. and she only has had 5 so this isnt even that weird to me, it feels like grasping at straws

again i don't think shes completely innocent but i can't with a sound mind just.. instantly go against her when not a single person has given evidence??? Like they haven't even said 'she groomed a 15 year old 3 years ago", they just say 'shes groomed someone" like no details whatsoever??? Huh???????? Idfk like I just wish someone had like a fucking Screenshot dude there hasnt been a single screenshot or anything 😭😭😭😭 like if shes as malicious and serial of an abuser as everyone says why is there like nothing at all to show??????? Im so confused brah

this is also more of a personal matter 2 me now bc we have mutual friends. So like, if she really is a groomer/pedophile, i don't want my friends who know her to still support her yk. at first this felt like a "dog pile on a popular trans woman" schtick but pretty much everyone who's said she's weird is also a trans woman so im just like ok there's probably some merit to this? Can someone show some proof omg

[daringdoombringer]

“Maybe in another universe my life isn’t a setup by the person I look up to most.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.”

Trope/character rant incoming! CW: STUFF ABOUT DEREALIZATION

i havent watched TOH but from loads of fan content ive seen i know Hunter Wittbane and Mack Hartford follow the same trope: being told their entire lives were lies by their parental figure, and they were in fact created artificially for a greater purpose. Hunter for destruction, Mack for loneliness cause his “dad” really *really* wanted a son? Idrk yet, i really need to rewatch Overdrive. I do remember Mack’s dad being a much better dad than Belos, and that Mack was created with good intentions. (fuck Emperor Belos all my homies hate Belos)

The only thing I vividly remember from watching Operation Overdrive was when Mack was revealed to be a robot, programmed with memories and tricked into believing he was always human. Being told his super strength and endurance were simply genetic superpowers. That there was nothing to question and everything was fine.

He was lied to. His whole life. His EXISTENCE was an elaborate lie.

Do you realize how screwed up that is?? The thought of your life and the reason you are alive and breathing is a cover up for something greater. If you can even breathe in the first place! That you were artificially created by someone/something else? That youve never truly been in control of *anything?*

That youre really just someone’s ELABORATE ART PROJECT???? THAT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS FAKE?!?! DO YOU SEE WHAT IM GETTING AT HERE? After you find out, then what? What else is a lie? Are your friends lying to you? Your thoughts and body were never truly yours. You’re not in control. Only the person you now have to call “creator.” Is there anything you can call your own? Are you real? Is anything else real? Were you EVER real?

What’s the point?

What’s the point of anything when your existence was a ruse from the very start?

What if it weren’t for Power Ranger’s infamously bad acting? What Mack had reacted realistically? If he did it likely wouldn’t have been pretty. Idk about y’all but I think he deserved to snap. Just for a moment. As a little treat.

He was programmed to think he was just a kinda weird human, surely that’s what he is? He’s alive, right? And robots never go against their programming, right?

What if he runs off in a blind rage, feeling utterly betrayed by his mentor and fellow Rangers? What is he supposed to do? How is he even comprehending this? How is he doing this? Can robots do that?! Robots can’t act, only think! Only thinking with the preprogrammed thoughts and information that were deliberately given to them! His thoughts aren’t his! His life never belonged to him in the first place! No wonder he never felt like he belonged among the other Rangers! He was never a real person like they are!

Mack’s now in a paranoid frenzy debating everything he’s ever known. His life, his personality, his memories are artificial. HE is artificial. He doesn’t know what or who to trust anymore. He’s never had a life to call his own because it never happened! Now desperately looking for something to call his own, something he KNOWS ISNT FAKE. Something that isn’t a lie like he is.

What if one of the bad guys finds him in this state?

I mean, having a now distressed and enraged but ridiculously powerful robot on your side wouldn’t be too bad, would it? And those pesky Rangers would be without their leader…

What if Tyzzon steps up in Mack’s absence, determined to find him and have the team be whole again? Mack and the Rangers saved him, now it’s time for him to return the favor. From one nonhuman to another. Mack is the only friend Tyzzon’s had, after all. They can’t afford to loose him. Not now. Not when the world is under attack. Not ever.

But ofc something like THAT would be much too brave for Power Rangers. A Pangender person can dream. Oh wait I just wrote down the plot to one heck of an alternative universe fanfiction… damn. I was just going off what little I remembered from the show lol

BUT WAIT. THERES MORE.

When I was at GalaxyCon this weekend, I found Derrick Cameron. (actor who played Tyzzon, the Mercury Ranger.) I brought up the Mack being a robot thing to him, and he said the cast wasn’t informed of it at all.

SO NOT EVEN THE ACTORS KNEW UP UNTIL IT CAME TIME TO FILM THE EPISODE. OH MY GOD.

So yeah this post WAS about a general trope but I kinda got sidetracked lol. Anything in fiction involving robots/machines/AI debating their existences, learning how to be human, any symbolism involving them, GOD.

THAT SHIT FUCKS. ME. UP.

✨thank you for witnessing my unhinged rant✨

[tenpintsofsundrop]

i just saw your post about the garcia getting shot plot line and i so agree

i think garcia deserves both morgan and alvez to worship the ground she walks on and treat her like the goddess she is

(i havent seen the newest season so if alvez is a massive dickhead ignore that lol)

This is the post being mentioned.

I haven't seen the episodes with Alvez either (just like with TWD, whenever I watch Criminal Minds, I have an obsession with rewatching the early seasons over and over again instead of just watching the whole show) - but I have seen the one clip where he's like "Garcia, you're the best... available!" and it just gives me such douchebag vibes.

Like I totally understand that the writers didn't want to repeat the dynamic she had with Morgan, but having someone needlessly clown on her is so... icky??? I am unsure how they ended up dating. Maybe I would get it if I watched those episodes, but the Morcia shipper in me is like - bring Derek back and have them get married.

Like how can you have someone say "Woman, you're my god given solace" and then they don't get married wtf THAT IS CRIMINAL

(Especially because even Gideon saw past her weirdness and told her she was appreciated for the very unique work that she did. So I don't understand someone being needlessly rude to her just to prove a point.)

But if Alvez is actually good for her, then she deserves a polycule of men who worship her. She is so perfect and like even the scene where she looks at the woman Derek is gonna marry and she's like "I'm not jealous at all!" it feels like the writers were holding her at gunpoint making her say that lmao.

Even recently, I was watching an episode (Cradle To Grave, I think is the one) - where Garcia says to Morgan "even though our genetically perfect interracial babies would not fetch top dollar on the black market" - like the writers are also acknowledging that part of the reason they don't pair Morcia together to get married and have babies is because they are an interracial couple. like that gives me the ick so fucking bad (if I remember correctly, all of his love interests on the show have been thin black women. like hmmmm. hmmmm. I fucking hate it)

also, okay, I went to look something up, and:

THERE'S AN ENTIRE SECTION ON DEREK'S WIKI DEVOTED TO PENELOPE, BUT NOT ONE FOR HIS CANON WIFE. HELLO ???

I have said it before, but it needs to be said again: Morcia is my Destiel. I was so hurt when I found out they never got together in the canon while being the most fucking obvious canon ship ever

[wswe-autism-fic]

seeing as ive already given my opinions on the entire mario timeline, i may as well do sonic. no, it will not be as in depth. why? because oh my god have you ever tried piecing together the sonic timeline??? dont.

basically, i believe most alternate universes to be canon. and by the way, if its an au i havent enjoyed, im not counting it lmao.

classic games!!!

i like the generations version of things, where the classic games are when they're all younger. i'd say sonic's probably about 12, tails 5, knuckles 13 and amy 11. robotnik can be about mid to late 30s at this point and i cant be bothered with any other characters lmao

and before someone goes 'bit odd that sonic's eye colour changed lmao' ik but like it reminds me of my brother. he had the same colour eyes as me when he was a baby (really dark brown) but now his eyes are hazel (or, as my dad calls it, 'autumn'). i also like how the only reason they specifically chose green was for green hill zone. i think that's really sweet.

i also like to think the OK KO crossover happened about here, if not, very early on in the modern games. maybe sonic underground??? actually, no, i dont think sonic underground could be canon.

modern games!!!

the modern games happen in the order that they happen in. dont ask me about the weird bit. actually, just dont ask at all - nobody knows what to do with this bit. im also counting the idw comics as modern games seeing as they're apparently canon now? yeah idk either.

as for fleetway, archie and any other comics i cant think of, i havent read them, i dont know.

for the ages, generally, sonic's 15, tails 8, all canon ages, yada yada EXCEPT for amy. i dont like amy being 12, so in my head she is 14. i dont even ship sonamy, just the entire thing of her being 12 when sonic is 15 and those two being probably the most canon sonic ship out there that isn't technically canon (STOBOTNIK DOES NOT COUNT JUST IN CASE IN THE FUTURE ITS EVEN MORE EXPLICIT) really makes me feel grossed out.

oh yeah and seeing as he doesnt have a canon age, robotnik is vaguely 40.

post-timeline stuff!!!

this is mostly where actual theory comes into play, because before this point its like, yeah? we knew that? i get that sonic boom is an alternate universe, but i... i like sonic boom. i like it a lot. so it's canon in my eyes. tbf they do all look and act much older, so i'd imagine boom is a future where they're all adults. as of posting this, sticks has only just been made canon, with that mention in frontiers, so if she really does end up in any mainline games, they just happen before this. probably. i dunno, maybe they'll ruin this entire portion.

i think that robotnik is probably late 40s, early 50s by this point, and tbf i think the main cast overall is only rough suggestions, because i could imagine sonic boom happening over the course of a few years. sonic is probably about 19-25, knuckles 19-26, amy 17-24, tails 11-15, and im pretty sure sticks is about knuckles' age canonically? so we'll say she's 19-25.

i get that shadow is 50 and whatnot, probably about 55-60 at this point, but i generally think he's like, a few months older than sonic if we're going based on why we count age (experience and stuff), so probably 19-26, like knuckles.

this is where i think most crossovers take place: mario & sonic, all the weird sega sports games from the late 2000s to mid 2010s (im looking at you, sega all stars tennis/sonic and sega all stars racing (but specifically for the wii (because thats the best version))), stuff like that. with the mario timeline, i said most crossovers aren't canon, but with sonic, anything is possible! because of that, the only crossover than comes to mind that definitely wouldn't be canon is smash, and thats because smash is canonically a kid playing with their toys.

the bit where i lose my mind (aGAIN OMG THIS HAPPENED WITH MARIO)!!!

I AM NOT DOING FULL RAINBOW FOR THAT TITLE OK I CANNOT BE BOTHERED SO YOU GET IT IN PURPLE INSTEAD BECAUSE I LOVE PURPLE.

anyway, this is the bit that couldnt possibly be canon. or hell, maybe it could, the sonic lore is never logical. basically, if you havent read the mario theory, i ended up linking it to undertale, saying that undertale is basically the future of mario, at least for my favourite characters, wario and waluigi. this is like that.

hear me out:

my hero academia?

i'm sorry, but i cant help but think mha is like sonic now. its definitely more of a stretch than undertale and mario, so this one i count as being less reliable, but like... yk how shadow in every tv show has to beat tails to a pulp? shadow is bakugo and tails is deku. as for rouge, rouge is transmasc legend, kirishima. idk who omega is, but tbf he doesnt have a life, so maybe thats why.

and sonic is like all might! and knuckles is like kirishima again! but knuckles can also be iida, if he likes! and amy is uraraka! and i need therapy!

sorry. again. im very sorry. i formally apologise. i could never make this up to you. sorry.

[letters-left-unread]

Smite I came across a game you wishlisted today. I got a bundle off humble bundle. First in a long time. Every time I think to myself that "I would have liked to watch you play that" I have to remind myself that you stopped streaming games for me long before you died. I also came across games that I apparently already own that I have no knowledge about whatsoever. I've been having more amnesia these past few months. It's frustrating as per usual but I've resigned myself to it. I'm sabotaging my own body at this point. While I live I know that things could change but with how things have gone for me so far I've mostly given up on everything. I've taken to drinking alcohol. Though personally I prefer streaming, the false hope of possible human interaction despite its hollow nature. I have another hospital appointment next month, the only reason I will go is because I was going through the motions. My grandparents are still alive but it seems that my grandfather might not be around for much longer. I feel bad that I havent been around much for them but I know it will make them more sad if I take my own life so suddenly. I do not have the capacity to try my best even for them. Of course I wish things could have been different. I keep thinking about the possibilities that we both had hoped for together. And I keep thinking about how, despite trying our best for it, it kept falling apart. Now those delusions, or dreams as we once called them, feel like bars on the cage of life. I sincerely hope your soul is free. I never wanted to anchor you here if this wasnt where you wanted to be. Selfishly I regret that; Amongst other things. Bowl has been checking in on me regularly. I've been watching videos with tokushi to pass some of the time, vtuber clips mainly as you probably expected. Luna seems to be managing better now, he's been busy with a new girl in his life and tons of work too. I wonder sometimes if ghosts can meet ghosts. Nova is still on his same old shit playing league of legends all the time. I don't know if I ever told you how much I appreciated your reaction towards him. I've been making toasted sandwiches for my meals lately. Weird smoke keeps coming out of the toastie maker though and I'm convinced it's slowly poisoning me. Sorry this is long as hell. I keep writing because I don't want to forget you. I miss our benign interactions more than I could have ever imagined. and now I'm crying again haha. I better go now. Perhaps I'll stream some TFT. I miss playing that with you. I couldn't play it at all for a while after you died. It hurt too much. It still hurts but I like the pain over the possibility of forgeting everything. I already forget too much. Yours forever and always <3 Sammiches

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, sorry for the impending wall of text but i need to vent a little bit

this year i escaped my abusive mother. three months later my abusive father, who i'd cut ties with in my teen years, called me out of the blue for reasons unrelated to my mother. i told him I'd left her and he was stunned. and in the past few weeks, I've been reconnecting with him and his side of the family, and. it feels really weird

he's the reason for a large majority of my childhood trauma, i hated him so viscerally, and i still hate him for what he did, but im still reconnecting because i feel like im better equipped to deal with him now as an adult + ive had the time to process trauma related to him. but at the same time, i feel like the other shoe's going to drop anytime now, and that something's gonna go horribly wrong and make me regret reconnecting with him

thankfully he lives in another country, but he's visiting me next week with my aunt (his sister) and i don't know how to feel about it. he's bought me clothes and a pair of shoes and bedsheets, because since escaping my mother with only a suitcase and backpack's worth of stuff, i havent had much to my name. i want to feel fully like this is Good because he owes me that much after traumatising me my whole childhood, but also it makes me feel strange

it doesnt help that my mother's demonised him my whole life, sometimes even making stuff up to make him seem worse, but at the same time she pushed me to forgive him out of that classic catholic urge

I'm not forgetting Or forgiving what he did to me. because i dont want to, and because it would feel like a Major disservice to myself and my younger self who was put through so much because of him. but i feel so strange and a little bit on edge about beginning to rebuild a relationship after everything. but also i miss my aunt and uncle (his siblings who i havent seen in over ten years) and my cousins. and my younger half-sibling adores me, even more so given the fact that we're both trans

bottom line is I'm super conflicted about it all and i dont know what to do about it. thanks for reading and thank you for what you do on this blog <3

Hey there, nonnie.

It's no wonder you feel conflicted about your dad. This situation sounds really difficult to process, and it's only natural for you to feel on edge around him and constantly waiting for him to abuse you again. At the same time, it sounds like, at least at the time you sent this ask, having him back in your life felt like a positive experience overall, what with being able to (re)connect with family members and feeling like he was making up for the abuse a little bit.

I'm proud of you for not forgetting or forgiving what he did to you, and also for giving him this chance on your terms and not out of guilt. You handled a really complicated situation in such a healthy way. Just the fact you came to this blog so you could give your fear a place to exist and be expressed is such an important part of a process like this one. Kudos to you!

I hope the visit went well! Feel free to let me know how things are going with him now, if you want. Also, that's such a lovely coincidence that both you and your half-sibling are trans. I'm glad you got to know one another!

Sending a virtual hug ��️

[toomanyfandoms-help]

some of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions ive been experiencing lately. merely needed a place to write this down and get it off my chest, so please feel free to scroll on

not fully sure exactly how to describe. depressive spiral? self-fulfilling prophecy? simply an unhinged, unhealthy person chattering away and scaring those close to them? something along those lines.

cant pinpoint where exactly it started either. i can give guesses, but its definitely something thats been building, rather than something that snapped.

im thinking somewhere in june. too good to be true, too much going right that i got suspicious. or maybe i was picking up on stuff i shouldve picked up on, did pick on earlier, and ignored.

it certainly started to crumble, starting with the trip. havent spoken to one of them since. its been 2 months. never really liked him though, and im quite assured in assuming the feeling's mutual.

then everyone got busy. and work got worse. and more busy. and even worse. hyperbolic, maybe a little. even still.

i dont push. i hate pushing. whenever i do even a little bit i hate myself for it. i take up other's offers gladly, but it gets further between. it feels less like friendship and more like im merely the person these people vent to every few weeks.

the one time (several times, i just stopped asking) i did ask, it got cancelled severely last minute with a half-assed apology. well, no. it was understandable. but still incredibly frustrating.

been spending more time with my family as a result. its familiar, in a tangy, bittersweet way that nostalgia is. we're closer than most, i know that, given the unique circumstances my and my sister grew up in. she knows me well.

everything took a turn when i quit though. on a whim (stressing all week and all day the day-of) setting my key down and leaving with head held high (shaking like a leaf and turning my music up too high on the drive home). combined with the stress of the previous day (shit going wrong with the house and my sister telling me she was probably minutes away from killing herself several years ago (something i already knew but somehow it hit harder (i can guess why))) it all just hurt

i also was with a friend. the day before i quit. kinda.

he helped me, sure. as in he helped with the house issue. but he didnt really talk to me. he tried to show me tiktoks on his phone (i spotted a groupchat with my friends without me in it (the old one with me hasnt been touched since june)) but they were all so. mindless.

we havent hung out since. he tried, twice. the first time i asked how many people he asked before me (its been a reoccurring problem, actually, where i am the last thought of) and he said i was the first. i didnt believe him. he tried again the next day, but i was actually looking forward to hanging out with my family so i declined.

he hasnt reached out since.

i sometimes think about how it makes me upset i cant be angry. im not really allowed to be. which is a weird thing to think about. what do i mean i cant be angry. but i think i mean it in a way like. my anger burns so deep and hot and fast, and its never good. its never for a good reason. being angry feels good, sometimes, but i cant revel in the feeling because i should not have been angry. i did things i regret.

i dunno. anger is a good emotion to have. i know that. it feels good, to feel your blood boiling just a bit and steam clouding your vision. its the one way i can really lose myself.

but its aimless. im usually angry at things i cant counteract or control or do literally anything against. it builds up. i cant release it. and when i do get angry at something i can do something about, well. it usually gets much more than deserved.

but how do you apologize for that. im not sorry for my anger, i was rightful to be angry. but my actions were maybe over the top. maybe i let out too much. maybe im not communicating at all. i dont know

how does one just. stop. not in a suicide way, but also not not in a suicide way.

i cant just go. not right now. my birthdays in 2 fucking days and i cant do that to my family. so maybe after. but we've got a vacation in 2 weeks and i dont want that to be canceled because its supposed to be the last family vacation we have.

but i cant last that long. im in limbo right now, and every single second is tearing at me and i just cant fucking feel anything anymore.

theres things i want to experience and be around for but the price of being a human being is just so fucking high that i cant fucking do it anymore. why do i exist on this miserable mortal coil and drag people down with me. why am i here

can it just stop, please

[areyouafraid]

this is going to be very hard to put into words, and a few people might recognize that i've definitely complained abt this before... whatever. so i've never kept a lot of people close to me, and by nature i tend to be more private than other people, i guess? meeting new people is still not something i'm very good at. and yadda yadda i know vagueing is wrong but i'm like a 20 follower blog and i havent given any of these people my tumblr username, so they wouldn't have my blog unless they were deliberately stalking me somehow

so basically i'm not comfortable in my main friend group anymore. there are a lot of reasons and i've felt this way for a very long time (well over a year, maybe two years). there's a lot of weird shit going on, much of which makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. in addition, there's also a few people that, for lack of a better term, i flat out cannot fucking stand anymore. but not only am i struggling to meet new people, i have no idea how to break things off. it's been negatively impacting my mental health and i just feel incredibly miserable most of the time

at one point i related to these people very closely. they've known me for a very long time, seen parts of me that most other people do not, as well as known me at low points in my life where i said or did things i now regret immensely. i know other people, obviously, both in real life and online, but no one im able to relate to to the same degree that we once did. it certainly doesn't help that i'm a bit paranoid, but i also know some of these people to historically be vindictive and catty when they think theyve been wronged. i dont know how much they know about me or what they think and im incredibly worried about cutting them off in the "right", polite, and inoffensive way for fear of what they might say or do behind my back if i'm anything less than fucking peachy about it

and even if i do that successfully idk where i go after that. again, i know people, but no one im as close to or seen eye to eye with like that

there's also a chance that i still might not leave despite it actively draining the life force from my fucking soul bc i guess i just flake out too easily - again it's been months if not years

idk what to do and i feel terrible for feeling this way but in my head like. i know what the right thing to do is if you feel uncomfortable or intimidated around other people like this. but idk if i can do it *grinds my teeth*

[primalspice]

Ratbro?: A3, A4, A17, B7, B13, C1, C4, D3, E1, E8, F1, F7, F11, G1, G2, H8, I6, J2, L2, L4

Ray Mond

A3: Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? 

i havent officially diagnosed him with anything but really just the average of what you'd expect from a guy revived from the brink of death then kept captive for like 30 years. he's depressed and pretty intensely hypervigilant. his social skills leave much to be desired and he has relatively severe memory loss issues. lobotomy victim. overall he's just extremely disoriented now that he's existing in greater society once again, which is partially due to his disorders but also to be completely expected with circumstances like that. he doesnt know what's going on really or how to fix it, he just would like it to finally stop.

A4: Are they a pessimist or an optimist? 

In his youth he was certainly an optimist. it's one of the things harvey looked up to him for. even after his resurrection i think he was at least Grateful, for an amount of time, that he was given a second chance. he's really been through the wringer tho LOL idk if he has much faith in humanity doing the right thing, even if it Sounds like the right thing at face value cough cough

A17: What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

he was proud of himself for finally completing his military training and makin it to the real deal!! that didnt last very long!!

B7: How do they respond to babies crying in public?

it activates the suddenly-easily-agitated switch in his brain and he has to walk away before he ends up questioning his desires to be injure infant children.

B13: Do they have a large or small group of friends?

he was quite popular in his youth, but he doesn't really have friends now though at all unless you want to count faust trying really hard to be his 'bestie'. He was somewhat social when he was at the facility on a good day, but there weren't many good days.

C1: Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

he's pretty much just been living in survival mode, not necessarily by any strong moral code. he believes in helping his peers whenever he can but thats really the only thing he's certain about. the political climate is completely different from when he was 20 vs when he was in the facility vs now so he doesn't really feel he's got enough backstory to determine who's in the right/wrong. his moral code never ran very deep in the first place, it pretty much exclusively consisted of like. protect/help others. be a nice person. he never felt any reason to make it more complex than that, thats why he joined the military <3

C4: Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

i think that he's well aware that his general aptitude is lower than that of the average Region Zero citizen (maybe not as low he believes tbh) because of all his lost years, so in that way he feels lesser. I don't think he sees himself as being any more/less deserving than the next guy tho. faust kinda treats him that way at times but raymond just thinks hes weird LOL

D3: How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

he would love to finally die LOL he's near 100% comfortable with it and is deeply troubled by the fact that he couldve died relatively painlessly several times, but now he gets to just continue living in more and more pain instead because someone decades ago decided that more population = more prosperity

E1: Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

he's not highly intelligent but he's certainly not stupid. just average. i think his kindness (give or take a few lashing-out's) and willingness to cooperate certainly outshine his smarts. he's quite ignorant of anything to have happened in the last 25 years (can't blame him) and even before everything happened he was quite simple-minded but certainly intelligent in an interpersonal way... kinda refreshing in a place like this LOL. i think he'd claim he's dumber than he actually is.

E8: What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets?

I think he'll come to regret working with faust, just because he doesnt want to be part of a whole sabotage scheme (nonetheless one against his own sister, as soon as he gets released from 25 years locked up). he really doesn't even want to see her again in this state, it'd be too complicated and tragic. but alas.

F1: What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?

he's living in the office with Faust LOLLL there's a guest bedroom. Faust asked him back to the capital after he 'liberated' the handful of people left at the facility, but kinda just struck him a deal to stay indefinitely. he of course has nowhere else to go, so he decided he would stay. itd be 'an honor to have him as a spokesperson for survivors of region zero's mad science' or something, whatever faust said.

F7: What’s their “dream career” or job situation?

tbh idk if he has one LOL he'd be fine even just being in the military again, or a cashier or something. he just wants a normal life by region zero standards.

F11: What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most?

i dont think he has a ton of hobbies at the ripe age of 45 LOL i bet he'd enjoy a good crossword or something though, or something else mildly mentally stimulating. he's probably read the same few books 10 times each due to the limited material in the facility for all those years. he'd probably be happy to read something new finally.

G1: Is your OC close to their family?

He was pretty close before all the facility stuff, but obviously not anymore. He had a pretty standard relationship with his parents and never caused much trouble, but the relationship was a little weird only since they were relying on him a bit for money. they never asked him to do that tho. he was basically harvey's best friend and role model. he'd still visit them often after he joined the military. everyone looks back upon those times fondly.

G2: Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them?

well his mom and dad are dead (i think he'd already assumed this) so really all that's left is harvey, and she's estranged due to the circumstances. she's still important to him once he figures out she'd still alive, but of course the situation is quite compromised. if this is you asking if he has any children due to the Milking....well maybe.

H8: What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

I DONT THINK HES V PICKY LOLLL. A NICE MEAL AND A MOVIE PERHAPS.

I6: Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

He's learned to over time, since that's pretty much the meal situation in the facility. he does get bored of it quicker than he'd prefer tho </3

J2: How politically aware are they?

unaware as Hell right now but he's about to learn everything that's happened in the past 25 years in 10 minutes faust-style <3 he didnt even know who the damn president was!!!

L2: What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

another one i havent thought about much, but as im typing this i guess im thinking about the irony of his Faust Parallels. Guy who wants to live but is dying against all odds vs guy who wants to die but is living against all odds. guy who has a dead sister he couldnt be there for bcz of his own foolishness vs guy with a somehow alive sister he couldn't be there for (still a fool) etc etc. you get what im sayin?

L4: Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

god no i feel like itd be really awkward even if we ignore the fact that he is double my age. what would we even do. POV:

[humblemediagenius]

incredibles 3. frozen 3. zootopia and moana 2. live action snow white and lilo and stitch. TOY STORY 5.????? i dont get it!

i mean, i do get it. this is what brings disney guarunteed money. but it HURTS. i’m so tired of seeing nothing but sequels come out of this company. i’ve been so tired of what they’ve released lately. they barely give their original content a chance (ie strange world, the covid pixar movies) and reading the article interviewing pete docter from a few months ago is hard to see as a creative myself.

this is one of the reasons in the article given about passing up movies with specifics, and it just. i understand this, but it feels like its an excuse to not try new things.

we can’t say all recent disney movies are bad, as much as i think most everything thats come out the last few years haven’t been incredible. encanto, whether you like it or not, was a smash hit— but it took a song getting viral to get people to talk about how good it was. i remember seeing the trailer for it before the movie came out and I found it quite boring. i didnt even watch it until after it came out on disney+, but it was worth it bc now it’s one of my favorite movies of all time! and 2022’s strange world got done SO. dirty. by the marketing team, i saw very little about it when it came out and the only press it got was having “disney’s first gay character” (yet again) but i actually really enjoyed it even if it wasn’t a stand out. but with no marketing it underperformed. and other movies, like wish, just were messy and needed more time in the oven.

this brings me to my next point about rushing artists; if you’ve watched the documentary about the making of frozen 2, you’ll see how rushed and weird everything was. its why the movie came out like *that*. (by the way i watched the trailer for moana 2, and for some reason, the plot seems to be REALLY close to frozen 2– familiar characters travelling to an ~unknown place~ and learning about their ancestors, doesn’t that sound very similar?) the back to back to back of all these sequels worry me; they have to live up to the original but very likely will not have the same impact that the originals did. if you’re gonna make a sequel, why not make it the best it could possibly be??? we all know incredibles 2 was not really what people were wanting, frozen 2 was a mixed bag, zootopia was fine but like do we really need a sequel… and . do we SERIOUSLY want ANOTHER toy story? another one??? (i will admit i’m biased here, i never found toy story to be the best, but i respect how crucial the first 3 movies are to pixar and disney’s history as well as the legacy toy story carries as being the first feature length 3d movie. i think it’s unfair to keep beating a dead horse when the series ended perfectly with the 3rd movie…)

inside out 2’s success at the box office really, really worries me; i hear that, for all intents and purposes, it was a fine movie (i have yet to watch it myself and probably will not for a while). but the fact it succeeded so much makes me see that disney will just keep greenlighting sequels and pushing down original ideas. elio was supposed to be pixar’s 2024 release, but it got silently pushed back in favor of inside out, which had made me very upset because of how thrilled i was for elio. i think to right now how a LOT of different animation studios are shelving movies or shows that have started or have even been finished just because they can, and i worry disney will start to do this. (remember gigantic? i’m still bitter it got canned.)

now.. about the live action remakes. i havent watched any of them (except aladdin— i was forced to while in a dentists office) and i plan to keep it that way. the idea was novel at first, i was around for cinderella’s release, but it just has become so oversaturated and uninteresting over time. i see a major argument be made that parts of these classic movies could have been executed better and more respectfully, and i wholeheartedly agree… if only the movies weren’t so soulless! i feel nothing when i see cgi realistic animals sing and dance and all that. everything feels so boring and all the color has been drained out, compared to the original animations! its not even like HUGE changes have been made to most of them. i think disney is veering more into the “we’re making these just because we can” territory than the “there were things we wanted to correct from the original”. like, lilo and stitch live action? REALLY? I am so, so angry about this desicion. the original movie is amazing (also with some very good deleted scenes). why drain everything fun about the original? (i won’t talk too much about snow white; i think it looks boring as hell and is completely unneeded. when it was first announced i found the vibes atrocious.)

this isnt very coherent and i’m sorry. i want to see disney do better. i want to see more original things. elio and win or lose look very promising, and i’m excited to see what they’re like once they release. and seeing that a pixar movie will be directed by the guy who made we bare bears is VERY cool, i am really curious as to how it will turn out! there’s some hope left. but seeing almost all the headlining announcements be sequels took a lot of excitement out of me. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to expand the world of a movie; disney has been doing this for years with TV shows based on movies (which are pretty fun, at least the ones i’ve seen) or direct to DVD sequels (which were mostly bad but had some hidden gems). why not keep it up with disney+? there’s an obvious issue disney+ has regarding the removal of content and all that but that’s a topic for another day. they have the PERFECT place to release series based on movies. like, the tiana series sounds SUPER fun, and stuff that came before d+ but are still recent (tangled the series, big hero 6; the former i quite enjoy and the latter ive never seen but heard was good)… why not follow in those shows’ footsteps? it can be done in the modern age! remember moana 2 was supposed to be a tv show. sigh…

i guess my call to action is that if you want to see disney do better, make sure to support the things you want and ignore the things you dont. i’ve done my part by ignoring like 70% of what disney has put out in the last 7 years or so— the only movie by them of the 2020s ive seen in theater was strange world, and i’ve only seen encanto and the 3 quarantine pixar movies on disney+. everything else, i dont give my time to. and if youre an artist of any kind, like i am, don’t let this discourage you; whatever you have in your mind, whatever story you want to tell, its important and people will want to see it. no matter how you convey it— movie, tv show, comic, book, messages with your friends— it doesnt have to be ”universally understood” to mean so much. in such a hard time in the animation and film industry, all i can say is keep working. i want to be able to be a part of a big studio like disney some day and bring back the love they used to have. but for now, don’t give a corporation your love, and support creatives both at studios or not. good night tri state area

i’m so, so disappointed by almost everything film related disney has announced today at d23. it just hurts so badly. what the hell are they doing

[rexscanonwife]

*wakes up at 3pm* oh SHIT I LOVE BEETLEJUICE *runs into heavy traffic*

[slippersmoo]

Top Gun Maverick is for the girlies

I saw a guy on TikTok post that we should notice how “all the body positivity, female gaze, only likes skinny guys” types of girls have mysteriously gone missing since Top Gun came out. And the RESPONSE was insane! people in the comments agreeing with him, saying women are liars at their core (... oh my god) etc etc

I just thought that was a really weird sentiment because my immediate reaction was... top gun TOTALLY DOES fall into the female gaze! at least for me it does. 

now, i know its one of the most ‘alpha male’ films in a franchise thats widely known for its fanbase of dads but hear me out! this film showed the new pilots in a totally different light than the first one! 

not only were the pilots all sporting the himbo gene in some way (a sure fire female gaze thing). even though the characters are all highly intelligent, we can all agree himbos come in different forms. 

even with the hangman/ rooster scenes i totally saw that masculine energy that never veered into toxic territory which i was especially excited to see. maverick, the main hero of the story is genuinely one of the most impulsive headstrong characters that has a strong sense of goodness and that to me makes a wonderful himbo. I love the scene between him and rooster just after he’s been rescued (”you told me not to think!”) because it shows that these characters are just all heart and i LOVE that. i havent seen a mainstream, action movie this devoid of cynicism in a long time and it made me so fucking happy. I think thats the reason why people subconsciously like it so much and why I predict the rewatch value of the film will be immense. 

They also happened to exist in a reality where they all drank ‘respect women juice’ where Penny and Phoenix were given the same  treating Phoenix just like one of them and not showing the struggles that women actually go through in the military was a genuine piece of escapist realism and even though they might delve into that in the future, I’m glad they didn’t mention it here as a half baked plot point.

even with the beach scene which outwardly displays everyone’s bodies, i saw the underlying theme of teamwork and camaraderie. Of course I would be lying if i said their physique wasn’t the best part of the sequence but thats a staple of the franchise and it makes sense for them to include the montage. 

i think its interesting that in the original, Goose had his shirt on in the volleyball scene and so did Bob in this instalment. I feel like in both instances the characters had an archetype of not being the ‘alpha’ type so to speak but I think that was honestly a misstep as both characters ended up being major fan favourites among men and women alike, some of which see them as the biggest crush-worthy characters of their movies. then again, having their shirts on doesn’t make them any less desirable and if the actors did that to prioritise their own comfort levels then i can completely respect and admire that. 

all in all, i just wanted to ramble a bit about this as it turns out i have a lot of thoughts i wanted to let out. i don’t think it’s fair to shame women for liking what was presented in the movie and framing us as hypocrites when all of our likes are completely valid. who wouldn’t wanna see a well developed action movie with beautiful movie stars? doesn’t make us villains imo. 

ok i’m done with my rant now! 

[lacieabyss]

dazai and the book theory !!

Ok so im pretty sure most ppl have heard abt this theory. But if u havent its simple.

There are two possibilities of this theory:

1. Dazai is a product of the book ( somewhat like sigma )

2. Dazai himself is the book.

Now I will just give my own thoughts abt why I believe in this theory.

Again most of this is just my assumptions I dont have any hard proof to back this up but I just wanted to talk abt it lmao.

so first thing first why do I believe this theory ??

Lets just look at Dazai for a second and think abt him. He is a character who is written with a mysterious aura. When we first meet him we think he is just a second lead who is goofy and likes to commit suicide. But then we are given the fact that he was a former port mafia member and slowly we get to know more abt him like that. Dazai's so called past right now is completely just about the mafia, any piece of info we know abt him is just related to the mafia. From the light novel 15 we get to know that mori picked up dazai when he was 14, from where ??? it was never stated. Thats the furthers we know of Dazai's past he started to assist Mori in a plan to kill the former port mafia boss in exchange of Mori helping him to die. Thats all after that we know nothing abt how ?? why ?? where ?? did Dazai come to meet Mori. We dont know ! Not Dazai not anyone has ever mentioned anything abt him before he came to know Mori.

Weird ?? dont u think ??

Now lets take a min to think abt other characters, most ppl's past stories have been abt when they were kids and has actually shown a lot of how they came to be who they are like now. But Dazai ??? there is nothing, why is Dazai suicidal ??? we dont know anything abt it. Now some might argue and say he is just like that. But do u really think someone would be so crazy behind suicide just like that with no reason ??? i will admit i could be wrong abt this but still.

In a short it just feels Dazai just seems to appear out of literally no where, its just like he was born one day as a 14 yr old and Mori found him. Thats literally all of Dazai's so called origin till now.

1. Dazai is a product of the book.

THIS !! this theory becomes more believable everyday i think abt it. With all the things i mentioned above, u can kind of see where im going. Dazai being a product of a book is a excellent theory, for starters he just seems to have no past prior to the incidents of 15. Now again maybe Dazai has kept his past so secretive that no one really can find out but thats again a possibility like many others. Now lets try to tie up his suicidal tendencies with this theory. Now lets say u were to be created from a book and you know abt it, wont u feel deep down not like a human ???? Thats what i think is happening with Dazai, he feels his existence is wrong and against the rule of this world cuz he was just made up one day as a 14 years old. His existence to him maybe feels wrong in a way and inhuman. Now usually life is always connected with death. Death is something only a living being can feel. So what if the reason he does all this suicidal things its to feel close to death, so he can feel at least a bit human. And also in dark era Dazai clearly states that he desires death cuz he think keeping oneself near to raw emotions like those will help him find a reason to live.

I might make another post to cover the rest but thats all for today thank you for reading bye !!

[dreamsclock]

(this is a bit of a c!tommy apologist neg rant but just a liiiiittle bit, you're good dont worry)

i cant be the only one that finds it weird how a lot of the fandom (cough cough mainly c!tommy apologists that have only watched his pov) babies c!tommy, c!tubbo and c!ranboo... like, i've seen so many takes being like "but c!tommy is just a child!! they're all kids and shouldn't have to deal with this!" and a lot of the times it's just a long way of saying they shouldn't be held accountable (cough, again. especially c!tommy) WHICH IS SO WEIRD bc they talk about it like tommy is 10 or smth but MANS IS 17 LMAO I GUARANTEE YOU HE HAS CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS?? and they'll say this and then immediately go and shit on c!jack WHEN HE'S LITERALLY JUST A YEAR OLDER THAN TOMMY?? i dunno dude it's just weird to see kdjgkj especially as a 17yo myself?? like imagine if when tubbo (and consequentially his character) turns 18 he begins to be given the same treatment as c!jack and will be bashed on for having nukes and shit krjgkdjrbg

i havent seen many ppl talk about this and im sure there are others who feel the same, so that's why i wrote this ask! sorry for the rant though kdjrgkdjg i hope you're doing well! :D

yeah no i completely agree with you !! there are such weird standards of what age excuses Bad Things and what age you become completely fucking irredeemable at LMAO

like ,, ok u wanna start talking about ages ?? (not you btw GENBGDKDH just a general ‘you’)

c!jack is months younger than me. 18. he was sent to hell + killed by his best friend + has his trauma ignored/mocked.

c!niki is less than older than me. 19. she had her home destroyed, lived under a dictatorship, lost her best friend and had to learn to heal by herself.

c!dream!! c!dream is three years older than me. three. he’s 21. which of COURSE makes him a completely responsible adult that totally has matured + has no reason or excuse to ever make a mistake or lapse in judgement ever /sarcasm

it’s like ,, at what age does the audience stop excusing your actions? yes, it’s shitty c!tommy and c!tubbo are so young and have been through hell. but ,, nobody in that server is older than 35 ?? only one person in that server is older than 30 ?? jfc that’s not old, and most of them are still in their teens or have just emerged from their teens 😭 they’re still so young LMAO

i think a lot of it has to do with younger fans who see age differently ig ?? like the other characters seem Old compared to the bench trio and there’s this expectation when you’re younger that by the time you’re 18 or 20 or 25 you’ll have everything sorted out, but then you HIT those ages and you realise ,, it’s so far from true. you make the same mistakes and you’re just as immature as the day you were before ur birthday LMAO, and i guarantee if cc!tommy had accepted cc!wilbur’s “ur in ur early 20s” then c!tommy would not be getting away with half the things he does ,, there’s such a weird standard

the tragedy of the smp is that they’re all young. there’s not a magical line between Kid and Adult, you know ?? ESP in the smp, where we already know the mechanics of the smp don’t apply quite the same as they do irl (mainly because people older than 30 exist irl LMAO)