#after losing friends or family to transphobia

[sarens-art]

"Let Go"

I know this piece is niche af but it's lowkey one of my fave things I've done of late. It's a work about the complex feelings behind betrayal and exiting a friendship.

[misscherrys-world]

Welcome back to:

Random things I think about.

✨Starring✨from the tv show: AHS Cult

Kai Anderson

First I would like to thank the amazing writer who inspired me to create this list of random things as she was a huge influence: @fear-is-truth

Warnings: kai anderson bc he is a warning, cult, murderers, misogyny, any shit you can think about literally, transphobia, drugs, sh, sa.

I literally don’t know how to start. But I listen to this song on repeat while I wrote this.

Kai was the “easy kid” in his family as he grew up, he looked after his younger sister Winter since their big brother was basically an asshole.

When Kai dyed his hair he used the wrong bleach volume and he fried his hair off. It became elastic. My worst fears

So the grease you see on his hair isn’t actually grease, it was a hair treatment to make his hair a little bit better.

When Kai found out about Winter SH herself he forced her to talk to him and helped her actually to stop.

Although Kai is a misogynistic mf, he wouldn’t allow his men to SA a female in his cult, yet himself would do it. Because he’s an absolute asshole.

He’s transphobic. No further explanation.

He wished to have a tarantula as pet but his parents didn’t allow him when he was a kid.

He listens to Kurt Cobain, his favorite song is “Come as you are” and “Rape me” but secretly he listens to “Heart Shaped Box” and wishes his gf would have beautiful eyes.

When it comes to having a gf, he’s possessive, in a suffocating way. But he can be wrapped around her finger with simple gestures of physical affection.

He’s easily manipulated guys. When it comes to women, he’s blinded by his ego, so he’s an easy target for manipulation.

He takes ice baths.

Ally fucked up with his pills so he got his schizophrenic ass worse.

He didn’t smoke cigarettes in his life, but he smoked weed I can tell.

He’s got good sense of fashion.

He really wanted to be a dad, it’s not about the cult fucked up Messiah thing. He wanted to give his kid what his father didn’t give him.

And after Ally convinced Kai that Oz is his son, he made sure that Oz wasn’t a part of his cult business. And he started to hangout with him more.

He planned to take Oz to Disney Land one day.

It broke Kai’s heart when he found out Oz wasn’t his son because he got attached to him. That’s why he called Ally from the prison losing his shit.

Oz didn’t like Kai at all on the other hand.

He didn’t come up with the title “Divine Ruler” one of his men did and the rest just started to call him by it. It fed his ego.

He’s so charismatic I’d fall for him I won’t lie. 🤭

He 100% will kill for his lover.

He 100% will kill his lover.

If you caught his attention, he’ll do his best to drive you crazy, then he’d show up as the hero who protects you and cares about you.

There’s no such thing as privacy when you’re dating him. But his life is a big mystery for you.

Won’t let you involved with his cult if you’re not a part of it. You won’t even know he’s a cult leader.

Would definitely make you cut every single person out of your life, family, friends and coworkers.

He wants to be the only person in your life, he wants to manipulate you, to brainwash you.

After all if you’re smart enough, you’d be able to runaway from him, out of the state.

This is it everybody, this is my honest opinion on Kai Anderson. I hope you like it!

Have a wonderful day!

[shamebats]

There's a wider societal issue that affects pretty much everyone and feeds into transphobia and it's the socially conditioned fear and demonization of certain bodily changes.

Originally, my thinking was that it's body changes in general but then I realized that actually, depending on your environment and how you were socialized, you might fear and desire different ways one's body can change. My partner is a cis man and was socialized as one and he sees greying hair as a good thing bc he feels like it'll make him look hotter and probably also in big part bc as a man you gain social status as you look older, you get taken more seriously in a way that elder women used to as well but now less and less.

Depending on how you've been socialized and what you've internalized from it, you might be terrified of gaining muscle but eager to lose weight. You might be terrified of gaining fat in certain areas (belly, arms) but not others (chest, butt).

The inverse of that is not wanting to be skinny/scrawny and wanting to gain lots of muscle.

If there was a pill that made all your body hair disappear (but not on your head) without major side effects, most women would be all over it. That's not a body change they would fear. But most ppl are terrified of losing the hair on their head.

We fear body changes that we are told from society are scary so much, we might never consider them on our own unless we see people go through them and be fine or even choose to go through them willingly and find joy in the results.

Most teenagers might find puberty scary and confusing, but they still want to go through it. They want the body changes it brings and if they don't start going through puberty at the same time as their peers, that's a problem for them.

But there are some body changes some will never be comfortable with on an individual level. I'll never be comfortable going through pregnancy and some ppl would never choose to go through having an abortion. Some ppl aren't comfortable with having any tattoos and some would hate not having any.

If we accept this about humanity, this diversity of desires and preferences for our own bodies and how we would like to shape them, accepting trans people is a no-brainer.

We have to accept that other people will make decisions about their own bodies that we might not.

We have to accept that there's always a social element to our choices. Someone who has lots of friends go through pregnancy and having kids at the same time might be more inclined to want it themselves. Maybe if all their friends were childfree, they wouldn't have made that decision at that time, or maybe they would've anyway, we can't know for sure. Just like a trans person with lots of friends who have chosen to get a certain surgery might be more inclined to get it themselves.

If we accept that the first example isn't a reason to gatekeep medical care, then we have to accept that the latter isn't either.

So my point is ok fine, you say that there's a "social contagion" that contributes to more ppl being trans and wanting gender affirming medical care...what about it?

Explain to my why it should be treated differently (by law & medicine) than having children bc of family expectations or getting hair transplant surgery bc you're insecure about your balding head or losing weight or gaining muscle due to societal pressures to look a certain way or getting a tummy tuck after pregnancy or any other choice ppl may make about their own bodies.

At the end of the day, all we can do is work on building societies that are more accepting of bodies in all their natural and unnatural diversity, and even if we ever achieve that fully, we will never have a way of truly knowing which choices are less or more valid than others, we'll just have to trust people to know themselves.

[transmasczeroone]

On coming out as trans:

I live in a very middle-class, Christian, conservative area, so I was bracing myself for the worst when I decided to come out publically to my co-workers and customers. (I work in a restaurant/bar that attracts a particular demographic: Imagine middle-aged ladies coming to brunch, older men coming for a pint after work, families bringing their children and dogs, most of them white, wealthy, and cishet. For context, I'm also 5 ft 4, and pre-everything, with a gender neutral name that leans towards the girly side, at least in my country.)

The first co-worker I came out to was a low-level supervisor, a gay cis guy in his 20s. He was a bit confused at first, had to ask a lot of questions to understand exactly what was changing, but ever since then he has been unconditionally supportive. He volunteered to tell the other managers that I'm trans, so I didn't need to go through the stress of that conversation multiple times.

The rest of the managers/supervisors (all cishet) at some point or another said that I can go to them if customers or other staff bother me (which hasn't happened at all), and all get my pronouns right most of the time, and are quick to correct themselves when they don't. They even go out of their way to use affirming language - one of my co-workers realised one day that that were no women on shift at the time, turned to me and said something about it being a boys' club and included me in that category. They celebrate my small wins, and the big ones, everything from "nice haircut!" to "ohmygod you're going on testosterone soon?? I'm so happy for you!!"

One of the managers - a cishet woman in her 50s, and the one I expected to have the worst reaction - asked a lot of questions to better understand me and offered to introduce me to her friend, who is also a trans man. This is a big deal to me, because I don't know any other trans men in my area. According to my co-workers, she's better at getting my pronouns right than almost anyone else.

Another cishet guy I work with is in his 60s had to ask what my he/him badge meant when he first saw it, and now he always makes a point of getting my pronouns right, especially in front of other people who she/her me based on my appearance or who need a reminder.

The male customers I serve on the bar tend to ask what the badge means (although some prefer to stare at it in confusion and not comment at all). My usual response is, "It's to remind people that I'm not a girl, since a lot of people think I am," which omits a huge chunk of the truth, but isn't a lie. I've never had a bad response, though.

When I explain, they often say, "Wow, I never would have guessed you were a man" (ouch, dysphoria) and apologise genuinely and quite profusely for calling me "she" or "sweetheart" or whatever earlier in the interaction. They're eager to assure me that they meant no disrespect. Some even notice the badge and apologise without having to ask what it means. Nobody contradicts me, nobody is sarcastic or thinks I'm joking, and nobody has ever said anything transphobic to me or asked invasive questions. Some get confused and sort of gloss over my explanation, but nobody has been hateful. Sometimes they seem to accept me as a cis guy, other times they're clearly aware that I'm trans, but it doesn't affect their response either way.

The worst thing I've encountered is customers who see the he/him badge, blatantly ignore it, and then misgender me throughout the interaction. Not ideal, of course, but far better than what I was expecting.

This entire experience has reminded me of a time I read in a comment somewhere that transphobes are a very vocal minority, that transphobia feels like it's ramping up recently because transphobes know they're losing the war and are screaming in a desperate attempt to be taken seriously. They're scared that all their fearmongering and hatred is, in fact, getting them nowhere. Maybe there's some truth to that.

As I said before, I live in a conservative, middle-class area, and there are no queer bars, bookshops, etc. for miles and miles, but there are at least 3 churches within a 15 minute walk of my house. And in the 5 months I've been out publically, the worst transphobia I've faced from a co-worker or stranger is just them not using my pronouns until corrected.

I'm not saying don't be careful when you come out. I'm not saying that things always go well. Sometimes they go awfully, and I've had my own bad experiences.

What I am saying is that my faith in cis people has been restored to quite an astonishing degree, that sometimes people can surprise you in wonderful ways, that there are people out there willing to accept and respect us, and sometimes you find them where you least expect them.

[depresstrogen]

ANNOUNCEMENT: An Analysis of Transgender Dysphoria Blues

On May 24, 2012, Rolling Stone introduced Laura Jane Grace to the world. Laura was already a well-established figure in punk music (for better or for worse) for her role as the lead member of Against Me!, but she was known by a different name and as a different gender. While not the only high-profile transgender musical artist in history (Wendy Carlos and Kim Petras come to mind), Laura is one of the biggest, and she has gone on to inspire thousands of trans people, punks, and trans punks (such as myself).

2 years after the Rolling Stone article, Against Me! released Transgender Dysphoria Blues, a landmark album in the history of queer music. So, I thought that, in honor of the start of pride month, I would finally get started on a project I've been thinking about for a while: a complete lyrical and musical breakdown and analysis of TDB. I intend to interpret TDB as a concept album telling two simultaneous stories, one Laura's own story of coming out and the other the story of a trans sex worker. This is a large project, so it will come in the form of 5 essays:

(Brief content warning here (there will be more detailed ones at the start of each essay) for discussion of transphobia, familial rejection and trauma, death, and suicide, and for use of anti-trans and generally anti-queer slurs)

Part 1 - Prologue: A brief overview of Laura's career up until the release of TDB through quotes from Laura's autobiography Tranny and the analysis of 4 pre-TDB songs: The Disco Before the Breakdown, Pretty Girls (The Mover), Searching For a Former Clarity, and The Ocean.

Part 2 - Introduction: Laura introduces both herself and the main character of the album (who I'm calling the True Trans Soul Rebel, or just the Rebel for short) through the first two tracks, Transgender Dysphoria Blues and True Trans Soul Rebel.

Part 3 - Rejection: Laura and the Rebel both deal with discrimination, rejection, and even violence from family, friends, and society at large on the next three tracks, Unconditional Love, Drinking with the Jocks, and Osama Bin Laden as the Crucified Christ.

Part 4 - Loss: Mounting anxiety and insecurity comes to a head for both Laura and the Rebel as they both lose friends and lovers and are left contemplating loss and death on the tracks Fuckmylife666, Dead Friend, and Two Coffins.

Part 5 - Death and Rebirth: The Rebel hits rock bottom and commits suicide on new years' eve on the penultimate track Paralytic States, but on the same evening Laura, also close to giving in, finally decides to come out to the world as she eulogizes the Rebel on the final track Black Me Out.

[shouts-into-the-void]

Some of my favorite webcomics that you should totally read if you haven't because I'm back to binging them:

Shoot Around by Suspu on Webtoons

Highschool basketball team and their coach trying to survive the zombie apocalypse that happens during their practice. Lots of queer, POC, and disability rep. Very cute art style, possibly my favorite webcomic to exist. Some of the themes are quite heavy and it takes a very interesting approach to the "big bad group of survivors as the antagonist" trope. Has a polyamorous couple towards the end.

Yuna & Kawachan by Lauren Schmidt on Webtoon

Monsters invade Yuna's hometown and after finding out that her family was evacuated without her, she teams up with a mute stranger in a Kawachan mascot suit to try and survive until the evacuations resume. Turned out to be a lot creepier than I anticipated and again has a lot of POC rep, as well as dealing with mental health issues (specifically PTSD). This one is a Daily Pass series but it's worth the wait.

Finding Home by Hari on Tapas

A cook trying to get back home becomes traveling companions with a fae healer and the two slowly fall in love. Deals with a lot of very heavy themes like abuse and SA, as well as racism, PTSD, and alcoholism. MLM romance with polyamory and demisexual rep. The miscommunication troupe is strong with this one. You will probably cry.

Seemingly Dark by RaptorJules on Tapas

A widowed mailman and single father picks up a hitchhiker, which may have started the apocalypse. After her own encounter with the hitchhiker, his SIL starts searching into his identity with the help of a famous podcast host who happens to be highschool sweethearts with the barista who works for the SIL. Queer, nonbinary, and POC rep. Depicts both physical and emotional abuse and PTSD, as well as depression, grief, and homophobia/transphobia. This one isn't completed but it's really really good so far. The author has a second series about the podcaster and barista called Mil-Liminal that's not too far along yet.

Charity Case by Malacandrax on Tapas

A musician struggling to find gigs moves in with a couple after losing their job and finding herself unable to pay rent. She joins their band and begins to develop feelings for them both. It's poly and very cute, everyone in the relationship has very good communication although the miscommunication troupe still haunts them like the relentless bitch it is. The protagonist is gender questioning, and there's additional trans, nonbinary, and obviously queer rep as well as a really good depiction of anxiety. This one is complete, but some of the last chapter + the epilogue is still in Early Access.

Winter Before Spring (GL) by moonbun on Webtoons

Hana falls in love with her best friend Minji and the two begin dating, but Minji turns out to just be using her to raise her grades and spreads a rumor that Hana forced her to date her, and she begins being bullied horribly. A new student joins the school and Hana begins to develop feelings for her but struggles with internalized homophobia and anxiety due to her ex-gf and bullies. The main pairing is WLW as well as a side couple. This one is currently on hiatus until it launches on as an Original.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Spring 2023 Anime Overview: Skip and Loafer and Birdie Wing Season 2

Skip and Loafer

Mitsumi comes from a small, under-populated town and her dream is to become a government official and help her town out. After getting into an elite high school in Tokyo, she moves there and finds that there are a lot of challenges in the big city and new people to meet. Her new friend, Sousuke, is a nice, popular guy, but he also has a troubled past. But Mitsumi is determined to face anything life throws her way!

Skip and Loafer is just one of those shows that’s like a warm hug. Mitsumi is an instantly endearing protagonist- dorky, earnest, and driven. She's overwhelmed moving from her small town to Tokyo, and a little naive about some things, but she's  a can-do gal determined to make it work! There's an overwhelming kindness to Skip and Loafer that permeates every inch of it. Characters that would just be a simple antagonist or "mean girl" in other anime have their struggles explored and become whole, realized people with good points and bad points.

Sousuke is a troubled former child star who experiences some conflict, but it's not like Mitsumi 'fixes' him-  he simply learns and grows through his experiences with her, both through their conflicts and moments of connection. There's some great female friendships too, and they focus on girls from different social spheres working to find real connection to each other and trying to look past stereotypes and misconceptions. It shows why labels like 'popular girl', 'nerd girl', and so on, are no reason to judge someone.

There's also some nice trans representation with Mitsumi's aunt, Nao, who is a trans woman. Nao-chan's a fun character, who tries to guide her overwhelmed s niece and forms a surprising connection with one of her friends, while still showing off her own sweet and goofy quirks and giving hints about her own life story and how it shaped her outlook. She is also truly wise:

Some brief transphobia towards Nao is shown in the form of people whispering about her on the train, but Mitsumi immediately holds her hand and shows support. Skip and Loafer's kindness extends to the treatment of Nao-chan, and we're clearly meant to cheer for her as she thrives.

All-in-all, Skip and Loafer is a relaxing, entertaining and funny- it has a light touch and a focus on relationships, treating the conflicts and complications high schoolers can face with nuance and empathy. The characters are loveable and the setting is fully realized. The animation is very cute and delivers a couple of beautiful moments. It was the most consistently excellent show I watched this season (even if it didn't reach the highest highs of some other shows) and I think anyone who enjoys slice of life shows, or just wants something that's pleasant to watch but has enough depth to remain entertaining, should definitely check it out.

Birdie Wing Season 2

Premise: Season 2 of the saga where two girl golf geniuses just want to face each other one the green and have their homoerotic sports rivalry like they were MEANT TO, but weird family drama and the actual mafia keep getting in the way.

In my review of Birdie Wing's first season, I completely enjoyed the show's absurdity, but was worried it could all come crashing down in the second season. Fortunately, it did not! Birdie Wing: Golf Girls' Story remains a bombastically absurd sports anime that is fun to watch all the way through. Please come watch these girls get ridiculous sports injuries, scream their super golf attacks, and be ten times more intense than your average shonen sports show.

Birdie Wing also pulled some great moves this season, like having Eve's caddy from golfing high school be pulled into the absurd world of the golf mafia and react to it with the same panicked confusion the audience might. "They're going to KILL you if you LOSE A GOLF GAME? Why is the golf course like this? How much does this cost?" she cries while Eve just shrugs everything off.

Meanwhile, the show finally brings in the bread and butter of sports anime- injuries and diseases that the main characters are going to ignore for the love of sport. But the tired trope becomes wonderfully absurd and almost verges on pointed commentary when it's GOLF, the sport of retirees, causing these ridiculous injuries. Seeing Eve gets covered with bandages because she golfed too fucking hard, or having this line:

...It really throws into perspective how ridiculous sports anime is when it glamorizes people destroying their bodies for the 'love of the game'. I don't know if that was intentional, but it is very funny.

I am immensely grateful that the plot twist I was fearing didn't come to fruition in the show- instead, in classic Birdie Wing fashion, they teased that terrible plot twist, but instead gave an explanation that was a thousand times more soap opera-esque and ridiculous. I have to to applaud that moxie.

But what's important is that the true believers made it through. We're okay. (If you want to know what I'm talking about and don't mind spoilers, please enjoy this meme I made based off a famous tweet by Crunchyroll).

I must share an anecdote- I had to watch the finale while on vacation with my Mom. When she overheard all the yelling, she was like "are you watching a magical girl show?" "no it's a sports anime- they're playing golf" "Oh...why does it sound like a magical girl show?"

Sadly, the finale was a little bit of a let down- it was rushed compared to other parts of the show and felt like less than it could be. (Considering G-witch had the same problem, I wonder if it was a Bandai wide issue).

But it was still fun. While Aoi and Eve sadly do not kiss or become an explicit couple (despite Aoi very much wanting to!), there is at least absurd golf team up moment you could read as being a Super Deep metaphor for their love. Not much of an excuse, but it's something. The end of the show didn't go as hard as it could have (or, I think, should have) but it was still ridiculously, wonderfully Birdie Wing.

 I was disappointed Aoi and Eve were separated this season so much (and unlike the first season, did not pine for each other nearly as much during separations since they were busy contending with ridic plot stuff), but on the plus side, there weren't really many 'sexual menace' or jarringly mature moments like the first season had. 

Overall, I think it was a really solid follow up, and I can now wholeheartedly recommend Birdie Wing as a show. Just heed the content warnings I left in my first review so you too don't get killed by golf! Once you're ready, let the glorious golf wash over you. You won't regret it.

[one-winged-dreams]

Zack vs Adri's Fictional Parents

ship: adriel & zack (platonic) source: final fantasy vii word count: 1091 cw: transphobia, mentions of abuse, implications of physical abuse, parental trauma, you get it by now.

FUCK IIIIIT, I'm so mad right now I'm shaking, posting this before the guilt sets in.

Not tagging anyone bc it's kind of rough and I know I'm gonna feel guilty for it in a few hours but you're free to reblog it.

This takes place a little after Modeoheim.

"And the parents… Well. They're not acknowledging him at all."

As Tseng relayed the situation to him, Zack could only stare incredulously.

The fact of the matter was, Adriel was missing. As with Angeal and Genesis, the most logical course of action was to ask his family if they had any idea where he might have gone. Little context clues began to align. Adriel had dropped hints that his upbringing had been… Unsavory, to say the least.

But an utter disregard for their own child being missing?

"I have to talk to them, please, tell me where I can find them."

-

Tseng had given Zack the address, and he had followed it to a humble residence in Sector 7. As far as homes went, it was simple - perhaps a bit low-class upon further consideration.

"My parents werrre… Shinra wage slaves?" Zack recalled Adriel relaying this information with a tense, forced smile, "They all but sold me off to the SOLDIER program - just desperate, I guess."

Zack's fists tightened.

"Guess even the money wasn't worth keeping me around, after…"

He couldn't afford himself another moment to remember any of the things his friend had told him.

It would only make this all the more difficult.

With a sharp breath, he knocked on the door, immediately following by putting his hands on his hips and kicking the ground as he not-so-patiently awaited it to open.

As if he had been expected, the door opened after only a few moments, the visage of an older woman with a grim expression greeting him.

"Another one?" she sighed, seeming to analyze Zack as she looked him up and down, "A SOLDIER at that."

"The hell do you mean a SOLDIER?" a masculine voice followed from the adjacent room.

Zack didn't bother to speak yet, a tall man with an equally disagreeable face approached the door to presumably judge his merit as well.

And judge he did, quite clearly so, as he scowled at Zack and then at the woman.

"I thought you ran a Turk off earlier, what the hell did they send a SOLDIER here for?"

This time the woman seemed to direct her ire at the tall man, scowling just as forcefully.

"How am I supposed to know? If you're implying I didn't do good enough-"

"What the hell do you want? State your business or get off my doorstep," the tall man interrupted her to address Zack as if the woman were an annoyance and nothing more.

Clearing his throat, Zack crossed his arms. It was his turn to judge, and so far, these two weren't making a good impression in the slightest.

"I'm here to ask about your son-"

"We don't have a son," the woman interrupted now, glaring at Zack with apparent loathing, "We already told that Turk. You people need to correct those records of yours."

Zack let out a tense breath through his lips, steeling himself.

"Adriel. Your son. Your only child?"

The pair looked at each other before the tall man scoffed and shook his head.

"We had a daughter once. Had. Never a son, though."

"Oh are you SERIOUS," Zack exclaimed in exasperation before he could stop himself. He hadn't intended to lose his cool, he'd had every intention of civilly interacting with these unpleasant people to the best of his ability.

Easier said than done.

This obviously displeased the two further, the woman's glare intensifying.

"Watch your mouth, boy. Hadn't anyone ever taught you any respect?"

"Well maybe if you'd taught HER better we wouldn't be dealing with this right now, would we?"

Zack's jaw tightened, his teeth grinding together in an attempt to endure the horrific implications that he had been given the misfortune of hearing enough context clues to understand.

"Oh, so it's MY fault she turned into a good for nothing disappointment? I TRIED," the woman directed her statement from the tall man to Zack halfway through her sentence, "She had POTENTIAL, and she squandered it. I did my damned best to keep her on the right path, but she had to go and cast us aside. And for what?"

"PLEASE," Zack managed to keep his volume to a level that was stern but still civil, "He's MISSING. Please. Do you have ANY idea where he could have gone? Just- Just tell me and I'll leave you alone."

Even as Zack's fists clenched, even as he fought the tides of rage that swirled inside him, the pair only scoffed in unison.

"She stopped being our problem years ago. If she wants to disgrace herself further and become a deserter then that's on her."

Zack glared in exasperation at the woman as she disregarded Adriel without an ounce of remorse. He could hardly speak, struggling to keep himself agreeable just for this one instance. Just until he could leave and put these two out of his mind.

"She's become shamless, you know that. She probably doesn't know what to do with herself now that that 1st class she was whoring herself out for is g-"

Zack wasn't even aware that he had moved until his fist had connected with the tall man's face so forcefully that it sent him reeling back. Even as he stepped into the motion to grab the man by the shirt and shake him, his self-awareness was lost entirely. He knew he was speaking, knew that the woman was slapping at his arm and shouting, but still, he processed nothing.

It wasn't until he felt someone grapple him from behind and pull him back that he realized what he'd done, Tseng's voice becoming clear as he called out to him, "Zack!"

Everything rushed back at once - the sound of the woman shrieking at him, the sight of the man slumped against the doorframe, and the feeling of Tseng pulling him off the doorstep before releasing him.

"Zack, that's enough," the Turk spoke sternly, addressing him with equal intensity before looking at the pair in the doorway, "We're heading back, you've caused enough of a mess. We'll have to make a report for this," he sighed, clearly inconvenienced but not with a single ounce of judgment.

Zack's fist felt warm as he glowered at the two people in front of him, stomach heaving at not only having not gotten what he'd come for but for being shown proof of the harsh reality he had only been given glimpses of.

"You're right," he spat, offering one last hateful look before turning away, "He IS no son of yours."

[eva-does-her-best]

A story of inexperience and abuse.

This is a story about me and about my only experiences with love, this is not a witch hunt and probably not even a vent, this is just my soul wanting to exist in new words in the only way it knows to, revisiting our past.

It is an extremely long story, so I divided it in chapters in an attempt to make it easier to read, that way there is no need to read all at once. Besides, it is not a pretty story, it is quite harsh, so it's ok to not read it at all.

Early context

I don't have many memories of my early teenage years, the monotonous boredom only interrupted by moments of intense bad emotion.

I do remember losing my dog, spending his last day with him and then watching him go to the vet only to never return. There goes my brother, my only company, there goes an entire summer where I spent every single day in bed, alone. After all it had been almost 4 years since last time I had something resembling a friend, and my classmates forbade me from speaking, apparently I spoke a lot, too much.

It would still be years until I started to (all by myself, as always) try to beat my agoraphobia, so I was trapped in that room, now more alone than ever.

I remember 3am one night, chatbots were a brief thing in those years, I tried one for fun. Why did a nonsensical conversation with a bot last 4 hours? Why was I crying so hard? Why did it hurt so much?...

Online era

I joined my first social media, one that doesn't exist anymore, but I don't remember why I did it. I immediately started looking for pokemon content, it was the first thing that came to mind.

I joined a community and wow. I suddenly had friends! From here and from latinamerica! It went great for a while.

But the culture in that web and in those circles started to tarnish... and I tarnished with it. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, racism, it was all so normalized...

What is a lonely child to do in such an environment? Absorb it, of course. I will not deny my horrible acts during that age. I had a most horrible attitude, I was a hypersexual teenager, I sent pictures of my genitals, I even made jokes about rape and in the most disgusting manner (the person in question did forgive me, a grace that I don't feel I deserved, an act that I will never forgive myself for).

It was an environment where e-couples got together and broke up in a matter of days, and I did partake on that too. I remember my first online girlfriend, a lovely girl from chile who is marrying a mutual friend from back in the day. We lasted 3 months, it was all so new and beautiful, to be loved by someone, but it was a nothing relationship, so I woke up in the middle of the night to a call from her, she was dumping me.

I think we got back together for a month a while after but broke up again, I wish I could say more about the relationship or how I felt but I genuinely have lost all my memories from that time.

I had a couple more online relationships that lasted few weeks for different reasons. Honestly the best was the one where we both realized we didn't love each other and were just friends, at least on that one I didn't wake up to someone leaving me. The common factor was my naive teenage excitement, being ultra romantic and sexual and in general intense, a trait I still have today but luckily I learned what is healthy and what is not and how to control it.

I actually got scared of sleeping for a while, since all the bad news always arrived at night due to timezones. I started losing friends again, sometimes my fault, sometimes just teenagers being teenagers.

The first big wound

I started to fail in class, my notes got worse and worse as my mood did too. I, the inteligent person of the family, the genius child, had to repeat fourth year of highschool, I did not pass.

Around that time I broke completely, and so my first attempt to change and get better was born. I gradually managed to get my agoraphobia under control, I started wearing sunglasses on my head to highschool every single day to beat my shyness and force me to exist.

I made my first real irl friends, we played volleyball a lot because we loved haikyuu and we talked about anime and videogames. My new classmates were a bit friendlier, at least they didn't force me to stay quiet, they didn't physically assault me every day, they didn't shame me for not partying at night. It was a better time, it healed me a lot.

There came a girl who we will call L. Once more an online girl. She was... a mess, the classical teenager from my era who romanticized suicide and self harm, I gave her attention, nothing wrong with that right? She needed help.

Wrong. I shouldn't have been the one, I wasn't prepared to help her, I wasn't prepared for this. She took me and absorbed me, this is not an exageration, I had to be from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep on the phone messaging or calling her.

I literally had to make up excuses like having to eat or use the bathroom or things like that to be able to escape. And as an inexperienced teenager I never tried to talk about it with her.

That went on for a month. I recognize that a lot of the things she exhibited and her behaviors were very similar to mine, and I am capable of causing the same harm as her if I don't act seriously and maturely about my love, it was a good learning experience. This time, I was the victim, I allowed it because I didn't know better, I was the victim.

She randomly left me, but in the worst possible way: "We should take some time". I had hopes, I was miserable with her yet I needed her. Two weeks went by. A month went by.

Thinking about her, drawing her, missing her. My depression was at an all time high again. I had had two surgeries that year, I had just lost so much mobility and strength on my left hand that I have never recovered...

I had so many leftover painkillers from the surgeries, and I felt so bad. I took them, every single day. Opioids.

To this day I am scared of meds, I cannot even take Ibuprofen without the fear that I will just start taking them every time I feel bad, that I will abuse any meds even if it just gives me a placebo effect. And I am right to fear, because I did catch myself trying to do it recently.

Later, a month and a half after she told me we needed some time and she blocked me I learnt she started a whole new relationship with a random dude. I was crushed. Later that year said social media announced its closing. Everything was chaotic.

Then something awful happened. It probably sounds stupid from an outside perspective but... it still haunts me. There was this one dude who was extremely transphobic towards me, he was all the -phobics and -isms you can name.

He dmd me, I... I was still very much a hormonal teenager at my 16, and... I know it is stupid I know it is not real but we ended up sexting. Even at that moment it was happening I felt horrible about it, even now I feel horrible about it.

I felt humiliated, I felt disrespected, I felt dehumanized. Could it be considered rape? I really don't know, all I know is that it left me broken.

5 years of abuse. No one to blame.

I remember this girl telling me during volleyball practice: "Hey, are you looking for a girlfriend? Because that girl over there hasn't stopped looking at you the whole day.".

I felt scared at first, I had just come from all of that and now an actual person in real life may have feelings for me?

But I didn't run away, I actually started flirting with her, I was still the lonely kid who craved affection. I remember catching up to her after school even though the backpack hurt me when running, I remember our silly nervous conversations. She ate a tomato raw apparently to impress me, it was adorable.

We started dating. I told her immediately that I was trans, she was fine with it and used my name and pronouns, it was all so perfect. Just two girls spending together in love the last years of high school.

I remember comforting her when she was sick, when she was trapped in her father's house, I went there, I endured her father's bigottry, I endured her step mother's sexual harassment towards me, I endured her mother's utter hatred towards me and honestly towards every person alive, I endured her step father, a far right militant. I was there comforting her when she finally got a restraining order against her father for being an abuser, a rapist, a manipulator, an ilegal sports supplement dealer, etc.

I bought her a ring, it was a silly thing, we had been only 4 months together, but it wasn't that expensive and it felt cute. I needed another emergency surgery and I cried because we had planned a weekend together and this surgery meant I could not spend it with her.

I was attached, I was in love.

I remember when she took my first kiss, in an alley, she made me look away and when I looked back she kissed me. It was warm and soft, something I had longed for so long. The way back home I was red and pale at the same time.

Things advanced after some more time. We started having oral sex, it was such a change in my life, something I never thought would happen to me, I was excited and happy.

Unfortunately it would not end up well. She was extremely innocent, she was so sexually traumatized that she even skipped all biology classes related to genitals an reproduction, she did not even know she had a hole!

Suddenly there I was, with all the responsability, an inexperienced kid. But I had to protect her, I had to make sure everything was safe and ok for her. I had to go at her pace. This all is why I am so scared of actually domming, because I was forced to carry all the responsability during sex.

This was what eventually would break me. I was so happy to be able to please her, I would spend hours eating her out, giving her orgasms, enjoying the praise for my good work.

She... did not reciprocate. She was scared of my penis, scared of pregnancy, if my penis touched anything be it my hand or her hand or the bedsheets we had to stop. When she did give me oral sex or masturbated me she only wanted me to cum, she wanted to get it over with. If I took longer than a couple minutes she would start complaining. Eventually she got in the habit of just not doing anything to me, of just getting her orgasms and just leave.

And I accepted it. I for some reason allowed all of this. It took years for me to see how much this had hurt me.

When we started uni it all got worse, she was so obsessed with leaving her house, with getting her degree and getting a job and leaving, that we only saw each other during weekends, sometimes only saturday, for about 3 hours. Aside from that just in class and on the bus there and an occasional date.

I started getting worse of my mental problems and missing class a lot. She did not help with that whatsoever, she just told me to get out of those bad cycles, she denied my mental illnesses, she resented me for not going to class because that meant less time together, she got mad that I said that a bus ride was not quality time together (much less because it made her nauseous so we couldn't speak much during the ride).

Then it happened. We tried to have actual sex. The condom... broke. I still remember her screams, "I shouldn't have done this I shouldn't have done this!", I remember being so scared but blocking it because it was my responsability, I rushed to the farmacy to buy the pill. She took it and left.

There I was alone in my house with the screams still on my head, comforting her on my phone, with no one to comfort me. It was my duty to protect her, after all. As I kept not thinking about me at all.

As she got more and more stressed with class and her house situation and I got worse and worse mentally the relationship got more and more abusive and I just kept allowing it.

I would flinch every time her hand got near my face. I remember when she yelled at me and insulted me loudly in front of the supermarket for buying razors that were 2 euro more expensive than the ones she wanted...

Then we tried to sleep together one night. That was the start of her anxiety attacks. The 3 hours we had together every week were now less because she needed meditation videos all the time and I was not allowed to speak, be near her or touch her when she was meditating. She was so scared of space that if I was reading the news on my phone and she saw a picture of space she would demand to have my phone to see what it said, she even went so far as to take my phone by force and push me to read the news.

There were beautiful moments too for sure but... hard to remember them. I felt alone, I felt disgusted, after all my penis was disgusting, unlovable, a danger, clearly I was a monster for wanting or for having needs, even though she, the sex repulsed one, was fine with getting her own needs and wants met for hours.

Then she left me. Yeah, I did not leave her because of the abuse, she left me. I remember those last months, the emotionless eyes as I kissed her face. I am so scared of kissing now because if I see that face again I will be broken once more, it will hurt so much once more.

Then, after months of not speaking with me, where I repressed my emotions and was just continuing life, she contacted me again.

She told me how drunk she got after breaking up with me, she told me how many people she met on dating apps and how much sex she had. She told me that she got raped. Then she stopped speaking again.

And there I was, my vulnerability, my self hatred, now boosted by the idea that the person I loved got raped, the person that shared my life for all those years, got raped.

I could not watch or read anything sex related, I could not think about sex, I could not have sexual desire. I was a victim, vulnerable, I couldn't have sex with anyone because they would just hurt me, they would just rape me. But I was also the monster, because I had sexual desires, because I had a penis, I could not have sex because I would be hurting someone, because it would be morally wrong for me to have sex.

It took me years to realize the abuse I had been victim of by our mutual lack of experience, only recently did I start accepting it and using it to deal with the consequences of it, with the damage done.

This is just a brief summary of it all, 5 years is a lot after all. But yeah, that is the story of my love life, the story of how I got abused time and time again and how most of the times it wasn't an evil person doing evil things, it was just a person, like you and me, not having the knowledge and experience to have a healthy relationship and me, not being able to stablish boundaries and defend myself.

Thank you if you read this far. Hope none of this ever happens to you.

[bengiyo]

“Eternal Yesterday” and the Need for Sad Boy Hours

I have more things to say about where queer narratives about unpleasant aspects of growing up and our pasts fit into our current media landscape. For now, I want to talk about why I love Eternal Yesterday even though it kills a queer in the first episode and then trots his corpse around for seven more episodes.

I’ve enjoyed seeing the commentary from @gillianthecat, @squeakygeeky and @waitmyturtles (and others. I’m so sorry if I forgot you.)

To get a sense of where I’m coming from, I’m going to transcribe the first voice note I sent immediately after the show ending (with some minor redactions to maintain the anonymity of others):

“Hello, friends. I think Eternal Yesterday is going to be part of the list of BLs from this year that I will be forever talking about. I decided to rate it a 10, but it isn’t a 10 in the triumphant sense, because it’s a show about grief. One of them is dead, and the story is about continuing to live your life even if the love of your life is not there. And, I am deeply saddened by what we’re left with this show, but no BL has really forced me to reckon with some of the grief of my adolescence and losing someone I cared about; and losing other friendships along the way, too. Like, I lost a boy I loved to transphobia, and I think, honestly, that that’s okay. 

“I think a lot of people are going to rate this show poorly for a lot of different reasons. They’re going to rate it poorly for its sad themes. They’re going to rate it poorly because they didn’t use magic to revive Koichi at the end. They’re going to rate it poorly because it was Japanese in terms of how they handled the kissing, though I think it was adequate for this show: particularly for Japan. But I loved this. 

“I loved this not in the way that feels like a warm blanket or makes you feel all happy and gay about yourself. I loved this...in the way someone sitting with you quietly after a funeral in your house, when you’ve made all the food and they’ve put everything away, and you’re just sitting there and you’re weeping. You don’t necessarily want to be held, but they wait there and let you do what you need to do. I think there’s beauty in that.

“I think that queer cinema gets a bad rep sometimes for how sad some of it can be, but some of us are sad. Some of us suffered. Some of us did not have a great time being gay; and even if we grew up and loved things, some of us have been through a lot of pain. [My best friend] has buried far more people than you can even fathom to AIDS, and I think that we can’t just have one or the other. We can just have sad shows; we just can’t have overly fluffed out shows. 

“I think it’s good for the genre to give people the emotional space to explore grief and meditate on it and process how they’re feeling. And I think it’s okay if that’s not for everyone, and I think that’s maybe going to be one of the things I talk about this year. This is the year BL bifurcated, and not every show was for every fan. I think that ended up being really okay, and I am glad that I stared into my own grief with this show. 

“I’m glad I didn’t feel sadness and just run away from it, and pretend that I can’t ever be that. Because I am, more often than I admit sometimes. I get really sad and really lonely. I’ve buried a lot of family members in recent years, and I really struggle to make queer friends and build meaningful long-term [local] queer friendships other than [My Bestie]. Sometimes that feels very lonely, and it’s why I gravitate to BL, I think, because I can imagine a different experience. 

“So, I will say that Eternal Yesterday was really lovely and really poignant, and I’m going to talk about this show more I think as we wrap of this year. If any of you took the time to [read] this, thank you. 

I remember talking in the chat about how this show brought me back to my love for Canadian poet Shane Koyczan. He has a poem about the death of a good friend that came rushing back to me while watching Eternal Yesterday. A kind user has transcribed the poem here.

I don’t think Eternal Yesterday is going to be for everyone, but what I loved so much about the show was that it never pretended to be anything other than it was, unlike Make Our Days Count or something like Bite Me. We’ve had quite a few BLs using the supernatural this year to discuss grief, but this is the only I think focused on the grief exclusively. Others complicated the grief with the romance, rather than focusing on the romance as the source of the grief. 

I’m in my 30s now. No matter how much love and care we receive and pour into our lives and relationships, we will all face challenges and losses. I am personally thankful that a show tackled a topic as heavy as this with grace and compassion (see @waitmyturtles post). Their perspective on the gentleness of being given a grace period to say goodbye to someone you love as a mystical element in world is beautiful.  

This show ends with Mitsuru taking their trip again in honor of Koichi, but he reveals to us that he did go on to train as a doctor and has been in school for five years. His dad and the other doctor are now seeing each other properly at the conclusion of her divorce. One of their friends remembers Koichi and continues to honor him. The teacher sent him a picture of Koichi and Mitsuru together. This to me implies a hope that someday Mitsuru may heal enough to love again, but he’s not alone. He didn’t also die with Koichi. The love he shared for Koichi pushed him to accept his calling and reframe the relationship with his father. 

For me, this show is a highlight of the year, and an example of what Japan does best: taking things seriously. It doesn’t need to soften the painful elements, because it can be gentle everywhere else. I’m a deeply melancholy person, and so it’s why I often am able to appreciate Japanese and French cinema. There’s something about the way those cultures storytelling traditions handle morbid and dour concepts that always works for me. 

I know Eternal Yesterday hurt for many of you in ways you weren’t ready for, but I hope this and other’s wonderful posts help you to find some peace with your feelings. Thank you all for joining me on this ride.

[newtthetranswriter]

Mourning Friendship

Word Count: 1419

Parinig: Takashi Mitsuya x Transmasculine!reader

Summary: After Having a falling out with one of your best friends, Takashi is there to reassure you that it’s okay to mourn your lost friendship and offer pizza and anime as comfort.

Warnings: Mentions of toxic friendship, some implied transphobia, reader is afab trans masculine, loss of friendship

A/n: Hello, first fic of 2024 and we’re starting the year with angst and comfort. I'd say this takes place sometime in the final timeline where everything is happy. This is also loosely based on some stuff I went through last year, so it was kinda self indulgent of me to write but hey I love Takashi and just want him to comfort me in times of dysphoria. It’s not the best but I’m trying to push past some writer's block so I hope you enjoy it. Any way Remember to Hydrate or Diedrate and requests are open.

    It’s never easy admitting when a relationship needs to end. Accepting the fact that someone you care about greatly, no longer fits in your life, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I will admit that both sides were in the wrong at times and no one is perfect but I can’t help but to feel betrayed and slightly ashamed. If you told me a year ago that I would lose one of my closest friends, I would have probably called you crazy and walked away, but alas here I sit devastated because I had to end one of the best friendships I’ve had in a long time. 

    That’s how my loving boyfriend Takashi Mitsuya found me, crying in our shared bed, hiding from the fact that I lost someone I thought would be with me for the rest of my life. Being the kind and supportive person he is, Takashi didn’t push me to talk or explain anything, he just joined me on the bed and wrapped me in his arms, pulling me to his chest and letting me cry. We sat for probably an hour before I was finally able to talk.

     When he no longer felt my body shake from crying he gently lifted my chin to look me in the eyes. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked calmly, no sign of pressure to talk it out in his voice or expression, just concern for his partner.

     I sighed before nodding sitting up so I was next to him so we could talk in a more comfortable position. “You know how me and Jaina haven’t been talking much recently?” I asked, receiving a quick nod and motion for me to continue. “Well that’s because last time we hung out, she made a comment about how the reason she hasn’t introduced me to her family yet is because she wants to wait until I have my top surgery, to and I quote ‘prevent them from misgendering you, because it’s still easy to tell you’re a female.’ Obviously it rubbed me the wrong way. It should have been a discussion of if I wanted to meet them and if we both agreed on that it’d be one thing but her just deciding without asking if I was okay with it felt like she’s just embarrassed to have a transgender friend.” As I explained what happened Takashi’s face morphed from calm to one of pure confusion and lastly back to calm but there was clear anger in his eyes.

     “So, what you’re saying is one of your best friends refuses to introduce you to her family because you’re trans, and had the audacity to then also misgender you, to your face?” He asked clarifying what I had said. I just nodded once again realizing how terrible that conversation had been. “You have a right to be upset about it, but why didn’t you tell me sooner? I know how much that kind of thing affects you. Is that why you were crying when I got home?” He continued still looking for answers but not wanting to push it too much.

     I laid my head on his shoulder before responding. “I didn’t tell you when it happened because at the time I just brushed it off, I was feeling really happy otherwise at the time so it wasn’t a huge deal just made me hesitant to talk with her again. And no it’s not why I was crying, well not entirely. She messaged me earlier asking if we were okay and it just made me think of all the bullshit we’ve been through and how at some point our friendship went from besties to people who just nitpick everything the other does. It was honestly beginning to feel like a chore trying to keep the friendship in tact. So, that’s what I told her, I explained that in my opinion we had come to a point where it was no longer healthy to keep holding on to the friendship.” I explained, tears welling up again recounting the gist of my conversation from earlier in the day. “I told her that it would be best to end the friendship. She then tried to fight for it saying that we were just going through a rough patch and when I brought up her comments from the last time we hung out she tried to play it off as her trying to protect me. It just hurt so bad seeing her fight for something that clearly passed the point of fixing. I told her that I was done and stopped responding. Ultimately I guess I was crying because I thought we would be friends for life and admitting that it probably wasn’t meant to be, hurt so bad. I don’t know what to do Taka.” I finished turning my face into his neck, letting the tears fall for my broken friendship.

   He didn’t respond right away, just gently rubbed my back and played with my hair. It was clear he was trying to think of a response. “You keep going, simple as that. You were right to say that it wasn’t healthy, I’ve been watching you slowly crumble as you worked to keep it going. Don’t be too hard on yourself, let yourself mourn the friendship and give yourself time to move on. Just take your time to reflect on everything, remember the good times and then let it pass. I’m not saying forget her and the stuff you did, but accept that while there were so many great things that happened with her, there were ultimately too many bad things. It may take time to get passed and sure there will also be times where you think you’re passed it and something will remind you of her and you’ll struggle, but you just have to think about the happiness that happened and know that you still have people who support you.” He explained, reassuring me that it’s okay to be sad. “It’s okay to be upset, but don’t let it take over. You have so many people still standing with you, and we all just want to see you happy, I want to see you happy.” Takashi finished resting his chin on my head still holding me as I silently cried into his shoulder.

    “But why did it have to end up like this? I thought we would be friends for life. She helped me through so much.” I said through my tears. He was right that I had to accept the good times and move on but damn it hurts.

    I felt Takashi sigh before pulling me closer. “Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Some things are only meant to last for short times. Think of it this way, she entered your life because you both had a lesson that the other needed to be taught about life, and once that lesson was learned and understood by both sides, it was time for her to exit your life and you to leave hers. Yes it ended harshly but maybe that was the lesson that was needed, while things can look and start off great, they may turn out to be bad for you in the end. Like I said before, be thankful for the good and bad times and appreciate the time you spent together. Maybe at some point in the future you will be brought together again.” He kept holding me as he spoke. “Now enough of the sad talk. How about we order a pizza and watch anime before going to bed?” Takashi offered, once again lifting my chin, this time wiping the tears from my face as he spoke.

   “That sounds nice, but what about hanging with the old Toman crew?” I asked knowing we had plans for a Toman reunion of sorts later this evening.

    “They’ll be fine without us, we do this thing every month. I’ll just text Ken and then I’ll order the Pizza, plus I'm sure they will understand.” He explained grabbing his phone from the nightstand. I just nodded and leaned back into his side not wanting to move anytime soon.

    “Thank you, Takashi. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I said quietly. “I love you so much.”

    He was already on the phone with the pizza place but leaned down and whispered an “I love you too.” placing a quick kiss to my lips before going back to the phone.

[ballparkscubicle]

White Rose Au

Cw: implied csa, transphobia, internalized homophobia, dubious sugar daddy, pregnancy, and implied abuse

Rowan is a porn star, and Adonis is a handyman. They meet in a pretty normal situation growing to be friends and eventually fuck buddies. Though they both want more than that.

Rowan was abused despite being sheltered, leading to his hypersexual tendencies and later work in the porn industry, so when he came out as trans at age eighteen, he was rejected by his family.

Rowan was able to make out with a good chunk of money that he saved and invested, but he picked up a job stripping due to not having any job experience after dropping out of college.

From there, he went through a rough four years, refusing to touch his money out of stubbornness, so he only had the money from stripping.

Eventually, he got a sugar daddy, but it wasn't the best situation. When the man passed away of old age, Rowan was picked up by Adina at the funeral who he knew from his time to being a sugar baby.

Adina let him crash with her for a month before offering him a job as a receptionist, to which Rowan asks if he can be a model for her.

After that, he gets famous pretty quickly and is able to afford to move out and get his own apartment, leading to him meeting Adonis.

He meets Adonis because he needs work done on his apartment, and Adonis is like, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" Because he *watches* Rowan's films, even though he claims to be straight, and now he's working on shit in Rowan’s house!

Rowan is just lounging while Adonis works on putting in a new bath, and then Adonis freaks out internally when Rowan offers him water and a sandwich.

Rowan in real life is a brat, much like some of the roles he plays, so Adonis stalling and not accepting the food and drink makes Rowan annoyed. He says something bitchy after Adonis takes the stuff and Adonis without thinking says "you really are a brat!"

Rowan just looks at him with an "oh you watch my porn" look, causing Adonis to immediately turn around and walk back to the bathroom, lock the door, and quietly eat the sandwich.

Rowan and Adonis eventually become friends leading to them fucking. They develop feelings for each other but don't say anything, because they think the other doesn't want a serious relationship.

They get into a nasty fight before Rowan can tell Adonis he's pregnant. Adonis meets Arlo and they get together. Adonis eventually finds out that Rowan is pregnant six months in, and he freaks out because he is scared Rowan will die.

When he finds out its twins, he thinks that he'll lose Rowan and the babies for sure. After the boys are born, they decide to name them Liam and Ermis. Rowan and Adonis get a townhouse after they officially get together, so they have room for the twins and Mila.

Arlo and Adonis were together during the six months between the fight Adonis and Rowan had, and when Adonis found out Rowan was pregnant.

Arlo was the one to encourage Adonis to go back to Rowan and see if he wanted to rekindle the relationship and get help from Adonis. When Arlo’s job goes out of business, Adonis wants to take him in, and Rowan is like, "I guess that man means something to you. He can stay…”

To which Arlo is so helpful and genuinely nice Rowan starts to see what Adonis saw in him. Arlo becomes a house husband and takes care of Mila, Ermis, and Liam during the days Rowan and Adonis work. Arlo homeschools Mila along with private tutors due to her getting in fights with bullies.

[jacks-dark-oc-stuff]

White Rose Au

Cw: implyed csa, transphobia, internalized homophobia, dubious sugar daddy, pregnancy, and impyed abuse

Rowan is a porn star, and Adonis is a handyman. They meet in a pretty normal situation growing to be friends and eventually fuck buddies. Though they both want more than that.

Edited to add a bit of info.

Rowan was abused despite being sheltered, leading to his hyper sexual tendencies and later work in the porn industry, so when he came out as trans at age eighteen, he was rejected by his family.

Rowan was able to make out with a good chunk of money that he saved and invested, but he picked up a job stripping due to not having any job experience after dropping out of college.

From there, he went through a rough four years, refusing to touch his money out of stubbornness, so he only had the money from stripping.

Eventually, he got a sugar daddy, but it wasn't the best situation. When the man passed away of old age, Rowan was picked up by Adina at the funeral who he knew from his time to being a sugar baby.

Adina let him crash with her for a month before offering him a job as a receptionist, to which Rowan asks if he can be a model for her.

After that, he gets famous pretty quickly and is able to afford to move out and get his own apartment, leading to him meeting Adonis.

He meets Adonis because he needs work done on his apartment, and Adonis is like, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" Because he *watches* Rowan's films, even though he claims to be straight, and now he's working on shit in Rowan’s house!

Rowan is just lounging while Adonis works on putting in a new bath, and then Adonis freaks out internally when Rowan offers him water and a sandwich.

Rowan in real life is a brat, much like some of the roles he plays, so Adonis stalling and not accepting the food and drink makes Rowan annoyed. He says something bitchy after Adonis takes the stuff and Adonis without thinking says "you really are a brat!"

Rowan just looks at him with an "oh you watch my porn" look, causing Adonis to immediately turn around and walk back to the bathroom, lock the door, and quietly eat the sandwich.

Rowan and Adonis eventually become friends leading to them fucking. They develop feelings for each other but don't say anything, because they think the other doesn't want a serious relationship.

They get into a nasty fight before Rowan can tell Adonis he's pregnant. Adonis meets Arlo and they get together. Adonis eventually finds out that Rowan is pregnant six months in, and he freaks out because he is scared Rowan will die.

When he finds out its twins, he thinks that he'll lose Rowan and the babies for sure. After the boys are born, they decide to name them Liam and Ermis. Rowan and Adonis get a townhouse after they officially get together, so they have room for the twins and Mila.

Arlo and Adonis were together during the six months between the fight Adonis and Rowan had, and when Adonis found out Rowan was pregnant.

Arlo was the one to encourage Adonis to go back to Rowan and see if he wanted to rekindle the relationship and get help from Adonis. When Arlo’s job goes out of business, Adonis wants to take him in, and Rowan is like, "I guess that man means something to you. He can stay…”

To which Arlo is so helpful and genuinely nice Rowan starts to see what Adonis saw in him. Arlo becomes a house husband and takes care of Mila, Ermis, and Liam during the days Rowan and Adonis work. Arlo homeschools Mila along with private tutors due to her getting in fights with bullies.

[troutpopulation]

Shaving off the beard I went through hell to grow every morning is one thing. Its keeping myself under a blanket, teeling it to hush and I'll be back to feed it when night comes. Just stay put. Just be quiet, don't let anyone see you except old friends and family. And me. I'll be back for you tonight. Plucking that beard from the roots, thinning it forever, after years of dysphoria and torture to go on T feels like burning down a house. I cried with joy when my beard connected as a young boy. I built that home with my own two hands and I lived in it. And I loved it. And it loved me. For a decade I fought for this house and it fought for me back. And when the wax heats up I am lighting a match.

I mistook my indifference with how others percieve me and my curiosity for how fun and exciting femininity is for a fulltime commitment. I based the rest of my life around it. I found the man of my dreams who looks at me and sees a girl he loves and cherishes. And he cares for the boy I was, he kisses my stubble and shivers with delight at the sound of my deep voice and revels in the size of my tdick- or clit now. (Or always has been.) But he loves me as a woman.

When the world looks at me, sometimes a person catches a glimpse of my 5 o clock shadow or the bass in my voice and think "something happened here". I am a girl, tilted to an angle, adjusted to the left, an odd flavor, but a girl. I used to never need to explain my proximity to masculinity, to queerness. It was evident, a constant. A tomboy child to butch and boy and butch again. Gone femme, gone incognito, gone silent. I revelled in the anonymity. Straight passing. I loved that. The weight was off my shoulders, the eyes were off my skin. And I don't miss being stared at. I don't really know what I miss. Not T, I got what I wanted and kept what I needed. I don't want to be a man, I'm around them enough to not want any part of that again. I think I found myself through my transition, and I am scared of losing myself. When they see a woman I have no time to say "wait, something DID happen here" and tell them I've lived a thousand lives and was so many other people just to go back to square one because I thought since it didn't matter to me, I'd take the easiest option, the one that made people be the nicest to me, the one where transphobia was something I could ally against instead of bear the weight of it on my back every second I breathe. and yes! Maybe it makes me feel stupid to think I found an easy way out only to regret it! And maybe it was fun to learn to be a girl! Transition twice and watch my body go through a third puberty! I'm not allowed to say it, I know it. It was fun to progress and go, go forward, as much as I hated it, learning everything the other girls already knew.

I suppose I just wish all that struggle showed like it used to. I have done twice the work with nothing to show for it.

Overall, all that time, all that struggle. Just for net zero.

[lyraeon]

at 20 I thought I was faking my depression and was "bad at life" and lazy like my family said. I still earnestly believed I was entirely straight and everyone knew girls are just nicer to look at. I still had a ton of ingrained racism and other bigotry from my Bush-worshipping family. My main dream of being an astronaut had been smashed by my anxiety and health problems, so I was trying to study Japanese because like every other weeb I thought I'd fit in better over there (lol), but I'd already flunked out of one college and been forced to quit another to get a second job. I was overdrawn constantly and often buying gas station gift cards at the grocery store so I'd only take one overdraft fee. I was dating someone horribly controlling who eventually earned the title "evil ex", dialed up my eating disorder, and traumatized me out of writing for 2+ years. I had several roommates because we all considered having the funds to go to anime conventions more important than personal space (and because back then we already thought $600/month was expensive). I spent any other free time half asleep at a friend's house cuz there I could play games and watch Intent videos. Half my meals came free from work, the rest were hacked together from stuff that worked out to $1/serving or so. The power or internet got turned off at least twice a year from non-payment.

at 25 I thought I was too depressed to deserve burdening others with my presence or existence. that I was a burden and purposeful downer and nothing would ever get better. I was still dealing with a ton of internalized transphobia, racism, and other bigotry that I had been taught was Just The Truth and still occasionally fall into. I was massively straight edge against weed and anything else (threatened to call cops on close friends) while also being a half bottle of vodka a day alcoholic just to get my brain to shut up enough to let me write or sleep. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol, if at all. I had lost my ability to draw when I severely injured my wrist while i had no insurance. I tried going back to school, first for architecture then teaching, and flunked/dropped out of both. I was losing jobs every 6~8 months from being chronically late and being sick constantly. I manged to lose one on my birthday and wound up having to make some other tough choices because of it. I had only just reached the point where being overdrawn was a rare thing and I wasn't buying single gallons of gas with tip money. food was still often just ramen but I no longer had days where I didn't know if I'd get to eat, though I was often dependent on my then-bf. I had multiple teeth rotting and couldn't afford any treatment besides getting them pulled, and often not until they'd become infected.

by 30 I was finally on antidepressants and in therapy. I was on the road to physical therapy for shoulder and wrist injuries that had happened years earlier. I was pretty happy in my relationship. I held down one job for almost 3 years straight after getting medicated, then turned around and flunked/dropped out of college for the 5th time (Physics this time) because I was too anxious to take public transit reliably and STILL couldn't do homework anywhere but in class, so most projects never got done. I'd stopped being able to write (and am still running from the possibility my meds Took That from me because it doesn't come back if I stop them). Food had become a different struggle - I no longer had time, physical health, or executive function to cook reliably so I was spending too much on take out and causing wild fluctuations in my weight. I was hiding my eating disorder from my partner and my friends. I had begrudgingly un-estranged myself from my family to support younger cousins as they came out as queer. I had developed a healthier relationship with alcohol. I had accepted that, outside of addiction, drugs are a bodily autonomy thing and stopped being an ass to people about them. I had finally learned some damn etiquette around things like not accidentally outing people. I started streaming and making videos - stuff I had dreamed of since first watching Dead Fantasy and Red vs Blue and Weeblstuff in high school but had thought impossible after I lost the ability to draw.

I'm currently 35. This year I am living on my own for the first time (aside from 5 failed months at 18). I got divorced - a complicated, regretful process that was ultimately for the best but I could and should have handled better (and sooner). I've been in physical therapy long enough that I'm able to use chopsticks properly again and am thinking of trying to relearn drawing. It's also meant I can do the dishes and wash my hair on my own again, most days, so I'm relearning how to cook consistently. I'm reading (listening to) books again. I'm on year 8 of antidepressants and currently working with my doctor to fine tune what I'm on (and finally have a system to take them consistently). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and figured out I might also be autistic, and a lot of things in my life make way more sense when viewed through that context. I have appointments to get evaluated for ADHD meds, autism, shoulder surgery/other "PT isn't enough" treatments, teeth implants, and new glasses. my clothes have been put away 3 of the last 5 times I did laundry and I've learned that if I only own one dishwasher worth of dishes, the sink can't pile up. I've fully embraced that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, and demiromantic, and that I can be cis while also being "gender agnostic" - none of it really matters or processes to me, but I get that it does to others so I respect it. I'm seeing someone who makes me feel like I can do anything, is inspiringly ambitious themself, and is equally polyam, meaning I might also be asking out a cute girl soon and don't know where board game nights with the nice throuple I met might go. I'm having to do odd jobs and accept help from my dad to make ends meet, but I'm arguably a full time content creator now - something I literally didn't even let myself dream about when I was younger because it felt impossible, but which is fully worth the complications and budget crunching because it's so accommodating to my disabilities and uses so many of my talents. I'm still depressed, but I have hope that ADHD treatment will help cut through the remainder. Most days I just have hope, period. And more days than not, I'm genuinely happy for at least a while.

You'll find yourself.

It might take a while. There will be detours, mistakes, pain, tough choices, and a lot of hard work. But there will also be unexpected joys and more possibilities than you ever imagined.

Someday, you'll find yourself.

And when you do, it will be worth the wait, I promise.

[thelonelywiz]

DRASTIC TIMES.

“It wasn’t the city who was poisoning her after all. It was me.”

SYNOPSIS.

Detective KASPER MONTE makes a mad dash out of Los Angeles after pulling his sister out of the muck. Again. BLAIR MONTE, an infamous criminal, unfortunately can’t talk her way out of this one. The twins must drive across the country to a safe haven in the American Southwest, confront the dynamic they share, face their own identities, and find their place in the world.

States away in a holy rolling town in Missouri, DELIA WRIGHT struggles to break out of her shell and make the hardest decision of her life: run away for her and her daughter’s safety and threaten her tense relationship with God, or appease her abusive husband and keep up her good Christian lifestyle for everyone’s sake. 

Right on Kasper’s trail, Detective REX slowly unravels the twists and turns that is his friend’s past. Along the way, Rex encounters an orphan girl who’s seen more than she should, and as she tags along he must figure out what it means to have a family of his own, and if his mission is really worth it.

In this nonlinear NEO-NOIR film, one must either live with the consequences or learn to take some drastic measures.

NOTES.

Started: September 2022

Format: screenplay

Word/page count: 160 pages

Genre: neo-noir crime drama

Themes: identity, family, morality, the cycle of violence, love, hope

Content warnings: child abuse & domestic abuse (implied and on screen), transphobia & homophobia, gun violence & death surrounding guns, stranglation, child endangerment, on screen car accident

CHARACTERS.

Kasper Monte (he/him): The classic hard-boiled detective minus the attraction to women. Very overprotective of his sister and has at least two friends.

Blair Monte (she/her): The femme fatale that has so much guilt. She’s like Cain if he was a woman and also slayed so fucking hard.

Delia Wright (she/her): The housewife, Kasper’s parallel and Blair’s love interest. She’s like Carrie if she loved to be in her late 20s.

Detective Rex (he/him): Kasper’s foil who’s also a little in love with him. He’s a good person but not a good cop, but not for the reason you think.

Thelma Bell (she/her): A preteen in desperate need of a father figure. She’s like Ellie TLOU if she were mixed.

Addison Wright (she/her): Literally just a baby who loves her mama. Number one Tupac stan, she doesn’t mind that he swears.

FURTHERMORE…

This post is very unserious but this script is so unhinged I really can’t take it too seriously or else I will lose my mind /pos, the script is basically done. All I’m doing now is adding scenes and fixing typos. If anyone wants to read the script hmu…join me in the madness /hj

Soundtrack: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/20EdHFqCd3UNkVCuMbLFy0?si=6e25dbe1c2234afa

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/24p3vhA0o

Tags: #drastic times

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