#actually@utistic

[sydmarch]

hello

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

[a-polite-melody]

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate that the most popular tag I’m aware of for people who are autistic talking about autism to use is “a/ctually a/utistic”? [without the slashes]

It’s a very Me thing, but like. It almost feels like a passive aggressive “I’m the actual autistic here” when the other person you’re talking to doesn’t happen to also use the tag.

I’m very aware that’s Not At All what anyone is using that tag for. And I’m very aware why that tag was necessary. But it’s one of those… I wish the tag was anything else, y’know? But it isn’t, so I deal by venting and don’t make it other people’s problem because I want to get a good grade in emotional control, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve lol

[pineappleciders]

I just saw your OC drawings post and damn, they look cool! I'd love to hear more about them (if you want). :)

-🪐

erm. yes please.

tw for some maybe dark topics like eds and menyal health. also school shootings. also huge infodump wanring.

this is MAX hes 13 and i think they r my favorite. he is non binary and uses he/they and alex is his bff. theyre kinda like edd from eddsworld personality wise. like theyre the main character and kind but also sarcastic and likes to pull pranks. i love him so dearly. he is bisexual

he is african and has two moms. max is rolling with the lgbt. them and alex have a very sibling like bond as they met when they were young and maxs family took alex in as if she wwre their own. they didnt adopt her her parents r just so neglectful that they judt took care of her. they are the bestest friends ever.

max deals with a toxic relationship during thhe show (its basically this show i made up in my head so im gonna say show) whereas this guy takes advantege of them and it fucks them up big tome. and theo is sad the entire time because he has feelings for max. more about theo down below!!!!vv

the one on the left is alex!!! shes 13 she has black hair dyed pink on the ends and shes autistic and obsessed with bombs and shes trigger-happy. shes like kind of obsessed with violent stuff but she radiates sunshine and shes literally batshit insane but i love her. she is a lesbian as seen from this photo

she is half filipino and half mexican. her father is absent and her mom is lowkey neglectful as fuck. shes also missing an eye and wears an eye badnage rhing. she dealth with lots of bullying when she was younger and actually is very dangerous she shiuld be locked up.

one on the right is sam and shes a trans lesbian. she is really kind and nice and uust goes along with everyone, but she has like a dark side n lets her walls down around her gf alex and her friends. she struggles with mental health issues and is also autistic and has a hard time showing her emotiosn and speaking. she can be serious sometimes and its kinda scary how she switches from being dark and brooding to all nice and talkative. basically she masks super hard but shes a rlly good person i love her.

she has an eating disorder. i havent decided what one but she struggles with body dysmorphia and body dysphoria. she is struggling all over

she has dark dark brown locs with gold rings in them. she has dark skin and usually wears a yellow tank top, a purple jacket and blue jeans + white shoes. pastel color scheme

sam again ^

this is theo i have way more photos of him but im too tored to go get them. hes 14 and trans and gay and i lvor him. hes kind of the smart one think tom from eddsworld. he has a goofy side thoigh and really cherishes his friends. he is autisitc too and he behaves very differently from how he thinks. he doesnt mean to come off as rude and cold but he cant help it. basically i am projecting very hard. i love him.

he has grey hair and green eyes and tan skin. his mom is white and his dad is black so he is mixed. his roots are a dark brown

he has some family issues and lives in a low-income house. he is so cool thougj i love him.

basically theyre all Utistic and go on wacky adventures Nd theyre all frienfs. theres more characters in the story and i will post them when they get named. anyways ive made like a future au for them, there are two different 'endings'for the story ive deciided

basically one is like they all be normal and max starts a company and gets all successful and alex is like super tech savvy and mechanical so shes like a worker for him and he pays her and theyre like a business duo. and theo is like a successful scientist too and i think sam is something idk but i have a deisgn for her and shes all goth snd pretty but idk what she does in tje fuyute.

the other ending (bad endging warning!!) is alex (the really unstable and trigger happy one) loses it and shoots up their school. she goes to prison for a long time and max and her friends are really bretrayed. and then they meet in the future when she gets release and their friendship is never the same and. its justnlike really angsty and sad and it makes me sad and i feel like its mean to put them througj that so i consider the ending where they grow up happy as the canon one. i still like the idea of alex going crazy so ill probably make some stuff for that

anyways tjx for listening i LOVE my ocs and i never get to talk about them. probably gonna post them more because of this. this post took 30 minutes to weite

[izzyizumi]

Digi-Merch Collection ~ U.S. Dub V.H.S. Tapes from my “pre 2010″ collection.

All are official and were bought brand-new from various stores available in my area at the time. They’ve seen a tiny bit of shelf wear since, but overall are in decent condition to this day, including all the tapes, all of which still played fine last I checked (when I still had a working V.C.R.)

(I also have an entire box full of certain other DigiAdvs-relevant tapes that I need to take a pic of once I find it again, but that will come sometime in the future.)

[koushirouizumi]

U.t.a.P.r.i : S.h.i.n.i.n.g L.i.v.e N A T S U K I (+“Procyon”) + C E C I L (+“Altair”) + H y p e r - f o c u s ? ON Interests Event Story : “Starry Observatory” vs. Event Story: “Close Your Eyes By My Side”

“You tend to lose sight of things once {SOMETHING} catches your Interest”...

“I do not think there is much difference between US.”

“After all, I’M just like YOU.”

“Sometimes I’m so absorbed in my research that I forget everything else TOO...”

{caps by me} {DO NOT re-post} {DO NOT remove caption} {Please ask to Use!}

[icharchivist]

tmi about myself i guess but it’s in regard to my previous post 

I relate to quite a few a3 chara for very various and different reasons and while there are charas i relate to more than others it’s not a 1:1 thing

but also sometimes i just. Like. I didn’t think about why this story hit me as hard as it did until just now having to word it.

My eldest sister ran away from home when i was 6 (and she was 16) never to be seen again and this kinda shapped up a lot, if not most of my life, it’s like, my biggest trauma in a sea of trauma and i don’t think i can properly word how this sort of things affects young children and a whole family dynamic.

Madoka saying that, in substance, he thought Misumi was dead suddenly hit super hard because my whole life this whole topic was extremely taboo to even mention and me and my other sister had to pretend we never had an eldest sister. Like she never existed.

because our parents were so worried about their images and the rumors that came out around the reasons of her departs that she didn’t trust us, as kids, to talk about it, so we just had to never say a word and never bring it up except if my mom was having a mental breakdown about it in which case i had to listen to her (since the relationship with my other sister got, strained with time. Leaving it at that.)

I’ve always equated my feelings toward her to what it felt like to always have a lingering ghost around. I barely even remember her and if i dig things hurt more than they should. I have the stories my family used to say but none of this connects with me. But i know i loved her so dearly and her leaving left such a.. hole we were supposed to never address that it was haunting. I’ve only recently realized that probably a huge part of me was just grieving all that time because i could never properly word what it’s like to lose someone who’s still very much alive, and whom you have to think about regularly “wonders where she’s at now” while also feeling it’s not your business anymore.

The thing is that i was 6, but my parents didn’t actually tell me she ran off until the year after - before that i thought she was staying at my grandma’s place for an undefined amount of time. Then they started opening up more about it after they divorced when i was 12 and both parents had really conflicting version of events that i had a hard time puzzling together, but both blamed her for leaving anyway.

and it’s only when i was 23 or so that i managed to dig back the lawsuit files that ensued her running away (very long story) and found a lot of damning evidence of my parent’s lies and the reasons why she left and why she was 100% right for leaving. 

This was almost hysterical to me. I remember reading it with friends and spending the whole day laughing bitterly because my parents are goddamn liars who built her up as the bad guy for basically just escaping their abuse. (some of which are things they put on me too, reading some of the papers in that file was like reading my mails sometimes.). I can’t even tell how awful it was to read up all the ways they’ve hurt her while they spent years and years telling me she was all to blame all while i was suffering the consequences of her leaving. 

Not to mention i’ve spent my whole life, everytime i had a fight with my parents, hearing thrown at my face “what are you going to do, run away too? and hurt us like she did?” and so i ended up terrified of talking back hearing that all the time, so scared to cause the very hurt i had been unable to heal from all that time, and it kept me in this abusive family trying to fix their messes because of that lasting trauma.

I’ve cut ties with my dad about 6 years ago (though it’s not that easy and all, he’s still currently suing me after all lmao (next month should be the end of that lawsuit fucking finally)) so i know more than ever how my sister may have felt and it’s just. a lot. It’s a lot to have had spent your life having to think badly of her only for this.

And, (cw a//bleism) back to why it hit just now too is the fact that, I kinda read Misumi as a/utistic coded and it just sort of hit me in the face because a lot of the abuse my sister got was because she was a/utistic and my parents constantly threw it at her face and weaponized her to create a horrible environment. One of my most ancient yet vivid memory is me as a very very young child having my father using this word as an insult for stupid on me until i fought back going that i could never be something this awful /to my sister’s face/, making me /part/ of their twisted ways to hurt her. And i’ve remembered that *years* after with horror and the knowledge i will never be able to fix it.

I didn’t *think* about it in regard of that storyline until just now and now i’m shaking with anger and fury that i can’t possibly word properly. 

On the other hand man i liked Madoka just fine on my first read but the way i’m feeling right now is sure. wow. I’ll keep my eyes out on him in act 3 i guess. 

and i guess i have now specific headcanons about the way this fucking stupid family treated it all and i don’t think that’s a win actually. Kinda hating it here;

anyway i’m shaking with rage this awoke something very deep in me and this is. making me so so upset.

i’ve been dancing around this subject for a long while talking about a3 (because yeah there’s *reasons* why Azuma’s way to push people away because of his intense grief talks to me this hard. There’s reason Hisoka, the youngest of three siblings who’s eldest is gone and the second one had a strained relationship with him, and who can’t even remember what happened to lead to that, has affected me the way it did. Or why every characters who have been neglected by their parents are giving me a viseral reaction of wanting to take care of them.) because i really don’t know how much i can open up about those stuff now online.

I used to talk about my problems a bit more before but despite trying to not tag my a3 ramblings so i could talk more about it personally, i did end up getting people to follow my liveblog and suddenly it was awkward to bring that up again (even if i think most of my older followers know all of what i just said already)

so huh this is very awkward and it’s been a while i’ve been just shafting my tmi posts in my drafts but this one is the breaking point because i didn’t see coming the amount of rage the “clicking” of what made this storyline such a hard one to read would do to me.

i’m shaking with rage wow i didn’t see that one coming.

[flameontheotherside]

Meltdowns

For someone like me, being around too many people, having to do so much for something so simple, the chaos from people and thier bullshit, ect. It's so overwhelming that slowly I'm losing my mind. I keep forgetting my appointments, leaving things behind, losing stuff, forgetting general shit.

🙄 I know this happens to "everyone" but it's at a point that the stress and anxiety is so overwhelming that it's really bad. All I care about is having my cat with me since he's all I have. Im crying everyday and looking through his pictures and videos. He's all I can really count on. Everyone kind of sucks.

I'm seeing my caseworkers every day.

There's only so much they can do. The good part is that I got more paperwork for disability done and faxed over. It was about how having ASD and mood disorder effects my life. My caseworker looked it over and said it's perfect. 😆 Then had me tweak a few things. I know I will get disability it's just wanting to get the fuck out of here and not having my cat kills me. Yeah Erik being dead hurts too but I can't talk to my cat. I can only hope he hasn't forgotten I'm his meowmmy.

I had to fight to get a simple bed pass. The nurse was giving me a hard time about who ordered it for me. ORDERED?! SERIOUSLY?! Like you have to be joking. I told the lady she was being unreasonable and had a panic attack. She was rude and had this smirk on her face all the time I needed something so simple. These people treat you like shit and then get a certain way when they upset you. It doesn't take an idiot to see I was having a meltdown!

Finally got a bedpass.

Then the head nurse came in.... Oh boy! I told her it's getting harder and harder to be here. She said I can't keep asking for a bedpass. Why is that so bad?! It's no different then having a cold. They gave me a bedpass for a few days for that! So because it's not a "visible illness" as if pacing around and crying wasn't enough?! 😖

The lady said that I can be transferred but I was told I need chronic homelessness to get in to "that place". I won't survive chronic homelessness if I can't handle this. This is my limit. She said that since I can't handle this place, I need to be transferred..... NO SHIT SHERLOCK! 😆👌So this different nurse lady said she'd talk to my caseworker to see about getting me in somewhere else.

I see my therapist tomorrow.

Honestly have told my deal and my long as history so many times. I don't see how this is helpful only that it will go on record which is good for applying for disability. It's a male doctor and I've had trouble explaining my asd symptoms with them. 😑 They are sexist and still not totally on board with women having asd which is completely bullshit.

This time I won't let this one tell me no because it's bullshit. 🙄 Then again this won't be the kind of therapist specifically for people on the Autistic Spectrum. I would easily loose my patience if he refuses to consider my testimony and not some symptom list DESIGNED for men/boys.

I feel better for the moment.

Had to talk myself in to taking my medication so that I won't flip the table. I'm never this crazy. This place makes me insane. I can't handle the chaos around here and being without my baby. If I had my own; place/apartment, my cat, my routines, my support dog and time to hang out with my old friends without having to worry about the questionable people around here? 😆👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Id be happier than a mother fucker on free sample Friday at K-Mart.

Most people here are actual loonies, junkies, ex convicts, prisoners, addicts/abusers, etc... They aren't the kind of people someone like me need to be around. Meanwhile I have: NO STDs, NO baby-daddy, NO criminal record, NO drug addictions or real problems. I'm only here because I HAD to leave a junkie that relied on his parents and couldn't hold a job. 😂 How backwards is this?! The GOOD THING is although this is shitty, I'm getting help with attaining disability and help with affordable housing.

The kicker is just patience and Ive got 0% left on my battery. 😂🤣😂 LMAO!

😘💞💕❤️ I love you guys!

Check out my store where I offer readings starting as low as $5/per question with a response at least 1 paragraph!

Please visit: Twin Flame Medium

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at channelingerik.com.

(◕‿◕)♡ Social: Twitter Tumblr Instagram YouTube Facebook

[bma-2020]

Do not r/eb/log.

before we even get started. Nobody I follow at this time, as far as I’m aware, has exhibited this behavior. This is not a vague, this is information. This is behaviours i have witnessed and dealt with on multiple occasions since, technically 2011 when i started writing on tumbs vaguely, but more specifically from 2015-2018 online. All my life Offline. These are behaviors i have witnessed, been victim to, etc. I have most likely not witnessed any of it from whoever is reading this if i follow you. Again, not a vague, not to start ‘drama.’ not a callout. Its the time of year this relates to, and i think its important for people to be aware.

I’m probably gonna delete this later bc i already know some dick is gonna start yelling at me for it later but honestly like, it’s april, yall know what the douchebags state it is for a/ustistics, you know what we prefer it’s called, honestly when are people, including self hating a/utistics, gonna stop insulting and villifying every single au/tistic who points out character traits in popular characters that are very much so our traits? Like, I’ve seen all the excuses like “theyre a mutant its offensive’ ‘theyre an alien its the wrong genetics’ ‘theyre not fucked up enough’ which is one of the most insulting ones ive seen and like??? the people are pointing out similar traits and characteristics, theyre pointing out things they see in themselves in their favorite characters and youre sat there telling them so and so cant be a/utistic because this character, in fiction, is not a ‘proper human?’ like, yall have no problems imagining a proper human boinking a fucking fish and a whole lot of people love doing extremely gross crap while using the guise of ‘its fiction i can do whatever i want’ but that only seems to apply to shitty things and almost never important things? like for fucks sake almost every piece of media ive ever had that represents my a/utism has either actively removed it because of the fanbase, villified the character eventually until they ‘cure’ them (again, fucking offensive), been canceled because viewers love everything but the a/utism, and fuck neu/rotypicals and even non-autistic n/eurodivergents just, ive seen people make up false accusations and defame actors for stating they portray a character as a/utistic when it wasnt confirmed because they did the research and believe the traits coincide. because they want to give that representation. And god this website loves taking part in b/iphobia and l/esbephobia, they erase poc from a narrative to force a believe that a bi char is strictly h/omosexual or h/eterosexual, they erase me tal disorders and disabilities to ‘relate better’, but for goddess sake there are so few a/utistic characters. there are so few. most of the time they make them villains. its the same w b/ipolar and m/pd they villify us ad when we place similar traits with characters to what we have and what we experience firsthand, we’re villified and insulted and ignored and goddess it is just, its offensive and its rude and im tired of all of it, ive been tired of lying about my a/utism to people because theyd fire me if they knew or they’d purpose treat me badly trying to make me quit, of people saying bullshit like ‘well a/utistics are prone to violence so obviously everyone who is one is a bad person’ because its not true, and especially of people who still go off on how wonderful and great organizations set on ‘curing’ us are when they think we’re a god damn disease just like the rest of the world apparently and treat us like shit. like this didnt happen today, but it happens a lot. the amount of times i used to reblog posts about characters w a/utistic traits went to the negative because of people bitching and moaning at me for reblogging it, vaguely at the dash for ‘daring to assume shit’ all of it just, im not supposed to experience stress right now because my histamine levels are actually physically attacking and killing me but goddess its hard not to get stressed out when everywhere, online and offline, people just talk out of their ass on shit and act like we should bow to their feet for actively trying to erase us from existence and take us out of the narrative, because ‘its not possible thats not how it works’. maybe get more educated than one to three psych classes before opening your mouth cause all youre doing when basically telling us we shouldnt exist is increasing the stigma against us thats getting most of us killed.

[fuckyeahkurusushou]

Uta*Pri SHINING-LIVE - Day Dream {Hard Mode}/{No Auto-play} (Game-play) by Me {DO NOT re-post} {DO NOT Copy} {DO NOT remove caption} {M.U.S.I.C.} © Elements-Garden {D i s c l a i m e r} I do not own Uta*Pri and am making no earnings off this.

Commentary:

During the latest event with Syo & Reiji (though I enjoy the latter, I mainly play events for Syo lol, but I am still learning and am very much NOT a Pro) I accidentally de-selected “Auto” for Hard mode (which you can see here too) as one of the Missions was to clear a song with a Unit consisting solely of Quartet*Night members. I don’t often use QN very much overall (except for Reiji tbh, he’s probably my QN fav)... that’s why the Unit name (“Eternal Sighs”) I made as an in-joke @ myself since I don’t tend to name my Units, and its basically me: Eternally Sighing @ Q.N. (also a personal in-joke for many reasons)

Well anyhow, so I accidentally de-selected “Auto” mode. I am @utistic with high @nxiety, so in these types of games I often tend to miss notes purely because I can’t hear them or I’m stressing over missing them lolll. (I love the @nime series but I never got to play the originals!)

And this happened. (Basically I was half-in shock I actually managed to DO THIS lolll.) {Especially because most other previous times I accidentally did this, I’d usually panic, and instantly lose by running out of Stamina/missing all.}

And that’s my “how I managed to get my first Hard cleared song on SL” story. (I’m also years behind catching up with all Card/Event stories for everyone not my top Favs because I started so late... and then this happened?!?) {Maybe it’s not totally hopeless that I can play on higher modes!}

{Note: Please Do Not Interact with this if you dislike/hate St*rish, Syo, Natsuki, Tokiya, Cecil, or Haruka!}

[zingay]

reading a bunch of posts from #actually@utistic explains... a lot? like god i thought i was just a weirdo 

especially when someone pointed out my stimming, mostly rocking and all, god 

also the posts about adhd are things i get 

this puts so much into perspective 

[grlcurves]

🐣🔭 ♡

thank you my sweet lovely i am SMILING ! actually currently probably a/utism and people with it. i want to work with a/utistic children as a career :))))!

[koushirouizumi]

{Please Read & Agree to Banners Before Interacting}

[icharchivist]

Okay this start to seriously annoy me (as in angering me, not “making me spiral down out of controle” (edit; okay maybe a little but hi that’s me from the future and i’m doing fine, i’m just annoyed but no breakdown there, not really)) so bear with me, but also, tw: s/uicidal & selfh/arm mention and stuff like that. I’m super annoyed at my mom. (also generally it’s in general for all my #ichapersonal posts but pls d/on’t r/eblog especially not this one bc i’m just. so. damn annoyed.)

Also it’s really just ranting because i really need to let it out this is seriously weighing at this point I just need to rant it out;

(also it’s a long post so if you’re on mobile and the readmore didn’t work and you want to avoid it go quickly blacklist either my tag or #longpostforts, it’ll hide the post for your dash)

My mom has this tendencies to always bitch about “kids who says “I’ve never asked to be born””. She had been bitching about it for as long as I can remember bc if i recall, my elder sister (yknow the one who ended up running away from home, never to be seen again for what, 17 years now (17 years?? holy fuck how time flies)(also i’m starting to really feel like she made the right decision at this point)) actually told her that at some point while they fought.

bc my mom believes children should be grateful of life given, that “life is a gift”.

So regularly she goes on rants about how “kids who says “they never wanted to be born” are so ungrateful, life is a gift, you should be grateful to your parents, to me” (she singles herself out everytime) “for how much time and effort we take to raise you, we give you a chance in this world how can you be ungrateful and say you never wanted it”, and stuff like that.

You’d think that after having me spelling her out that i’ve been s/uicidal since i’m 13 she would change her fucking reasoning but nooooo

This is so unnerving. I’ve heard all my life that kids thinking birth is a curse or w/e are ungrateful toward their parents but is she seriously the fuck hearing herself??? It’s not about the fucking parents, if a child tells you that, be concerned about what it means of their suffering, not about what it means for the parents, you apathic selfish person.

My whole life had been a struggle i would have gladly spared myself with thank you very much.”life is a gift” so were the multiple trials I had to manage as a teenager because both of my parents were unable to manage their fucking divorce? I’m sorry what about my life is a gift to me? As far as I know I’ve been the emotional backbone of this freaking family for years and had been there for all of my mother’s breakdowns, but I’ve never had that back. I was the gift to at least try to soften the blows, but it wasn’t a gift for me that’s for sure.  Life sure wasn’t a gift when I first told my mom i was s/uicidal  and had s/elf harmed and that the only thing she told me was “look I have more important things to deal with okay” (see, the kind of petty things i still remember and I’ve yet to have a proper apology about because “nooo but Chloé I wasn’t doing okay you can understand” hA. Jokes on you I had YOUR CONCERNS, MY FATHER’s and MY OWN and back then I was getting out of an ab/usive relationship with my ex and the fact i just lost most of my friends at once while i was trying to manage how the fuck I could at least ease the issues between my parents and with my ex’s jealousy & aftermath, also my own mom’s h.omophobia when i was trying to bring up that aspect was sure helpful, also freaking important exams coming, and also remember it was when you completely fucked up your relationship with my other sister that I also had to manage, “i wasn’t doing okay” neither did i but i’ve never shut you down that I know of.)

Or at least it wasn’t for me, since then my mom ran to tell my dad to say “see our daughter is s/uicidal because of you!” (no??? I didn’t say that??? even if it was true I didn’t??) and since then had my dad using it against me on official paper (you never know true love until your dad try to tell a judge that “because of the de/ression given by your mom” you were “untrustworthy” and that therefore he shouldn’t give you any money and that you learn that upon reading the judgement’s request) and making s.uicide jokes in front of me about me to people i don’t know (which!! he did!! right before I cut ties with him! in front of clients of him!! seriously why do i have those fucking parents.) But hey i’m sure it was a good “gift” for my mom to have something to guilttrip my dad with for ONE trial which turned against her considering how he used it. WHAT A GIFT.

GUH this is something I hate, I have a lot of wounds like that that I don’t even care about anymore (or at least don’t think about because no one can change the past and it’s something to live with) and our relationship has evolved past this point, but then she says this kind of things and all that bitterness comes back full blown. 

We’ve discussed about it.  I told her. I had to hammer it down multiple times (HA. And even there how much of those conversations ended up being “it’s because of your father/your abandon issues about your sister? Because me too you know, this is hard for me too here’s how it affects me and let’s not talk about your self destructive tendencies” wow thanks mom) How can she so carelessly throw this kind of things. We’ve discussed about it more than once for fuck’s sake. And she throws it in front of my step dad, the one person we can’t talk about mental health with because the guy always have a mean comment to make about it and doesn’t believe in d/epression this family is a fucking joke.

“Kids saying “i’ve never asked to be born” are ungrateful, life is a gift that i gave you” fuuuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don’t even know why she said that out loud, I was just walking from the living to my room and I have no idea of the context, but I legit just snapped at her telling her to fucking stop with that and she tried to defend myself like “do you know how hurtful it is to hear from a kid that they never asked to be born” you don’t say, do you know how hurtful it is to hear from your own parents that your self destructive tendencies due to how much said parents put you through are “not important”? 

Ya know what’s even funnier -because my parents told me about that- Apparently they wanted me so much when I wasn’t born yet that they almost tried to do a fertility boost while i was already a featus and it would have killed the featus to do it and it’s just last minute that they realized “wait there’s already a baby inside” - good for my parents, lost my chance it seems. (also fun fact since I was born strangled by the cordon thingy, it’s like i was too stubborn to die what a moron @ me).  AND, WHAT MY PARENTS DECIDED TO TELL ME, freaking beautiful really, is that when they did the echography to see what my birthgender was, my father was so dissappointed over hearing I was a girl (and that therefore i’ll be the 3rd girl of the family) that he left my mom who was pregnant with me at the hospital. He actually took the car and drove back home, home that was 30 mins away from the hospital in car, and he left my mom alone at the hospital. She had to call her best friend to bring her back home. My father blamed my mom because ofc he has the genetic understanding of Henry VIII.

as a result i spent my entiere childhood feeling like i wasn’t wanted by my dad bc he told me all my life he would rather have had a boy and always made it feel like i wasn’t good enough, and my mom always priviligized my sisters (which may be a result of me being the younger one of the family, but then when I was 7 I had my elder sister (who was a/utistic so my mom was always overbearing with her before she left) running away from home and my other sister who right afterward almost died due to medical complication, having my mom overprotecting her especially that close to the departure of my other sister and she kept being overprotective afterward. That may have played a part. And i mean when we come to have convos where my mom ignores me completely unless i mention my sisters? And the fact she willingly admit that she “doesn’t want to force herself to care about things she doesn’t care about” while mentioning that she has more in common with my sister than I? Ya that doesn’t help the feeling. But ya know it’s just ~the youngest sibling feeling~ lmao) - Also my mom who l o ves to remind me that apparently I was an overdynamic child who was a nightmare to take care of because I was hyperactive, so she was always tired and loves to remind that it was hard for her to handle me, that sure didn’t play at all in making me feel unwanted. Especially when she’s unable to say anything about me that doesn’t come from the time i was “an unbearable hyperactive child who completely stopped her from wanting any more children” because of course this is the kind of things you say to a child and you make good care that you only ever talk about that and not anything else about said child even if the latest actual anecdote (that isn’t “actually blowing off because this family is hell” she never mentions those lmao) dates back from when said child was 9.

(also it adds to the whole “with all the time we took to raise you” what i was taught by my parents is that i was unadequate and would never be enough, thanks - all my morals i got them in fictions and online all i’ve learnt from my parents was a caucionary tale of what I should never become. Which is also something that annoys me when, the rare times my mom says she’s proud of me, she always adds “i’m so proud to have educated you this way” and it’s always, always on subject that i’ve learnt online or in fiction and regularly things I got mad at my mom for not knowing so ye fuck that. It’s too easy to just take other’s people achievement as your own and refuse to listen when they tell you to stop.)

lmao did i ever mention too, my previous therapist and i discussed a lot about my d/epression and while i personally pinpoint my 13yo as my breaking undeniable point (because when you are hurting yourself because the physical pain makes you forget the emotional pain, this is time to stop prentending nothing bad is happening), my therapist said i had symptoms already when I was 7yo but i was too young to recognize them and since it’s the year the brain usually have a huge development, i developped all the unhealthy coping mechanism - but she also mentioned that the fact my father went to abandon my mom at the hospital because of me, was probably at least a bad vibe that carried on all my life.

So ya!!! beautiful!!! I spent my whole life from the womb to feel unwanted, to the point i completely shut down and thrived upon people appreciating me, which put me as a target for being b/ullied so much i just ended up not get too emotionally invested in anyone and emotionally distant in general after too much fuck up from my part by trying to be loved, and which was so determined to please all my life that I tried to fix everyone’s miserable lives around me until my mental health gave up completely.

(and like don’t get me wrong - my parents made me feel unwanted all my life, i was b/ullied up until high school, i lost all the friends I had before high school because of the a/busive relationship i ended up winding up into, and it fucked me over. It truly did. But I don’t think i’m “unloveable” I think just that it doesn’t matter to try. My high school friends, who are the people i consider my best friends today, are the most precious thing that happened to me and I will never second guess how they care for me. I have wonderful friends all around the world, I don’t feel “unloveable”. But i do feel like not wanting to try. If people leave, I won’t care because eh that happens. Even if i know my friends are here for me, and that I will always want to be there for them and support them, I can’t bring myself to go to them unprompted when i feel bad - even if i know they don’t consider me a burden I was taught all my life my emotions were such anyway. Things that are hard to unlearn. But there’s no “no one loves me” or ignoring completely my qualities there. I consider it a miracle i’m this kind while i’m this bitter, that I care so much about things even if i know it’s coping mechanism, but that i can still get this enthusiast about things sometimes -  and honestly when I look back i recognize that i’m strong, even if i don’t consider myself strong enough considering how everything still goes wrong and I can’t go back on my feet no matter what, so much my own physical health is sending me SOS. But i’m not blind to the point of ignoring that it takes strength to get this far- i’m just so, so tired of having to be strong all the time and knowing if i let weakness in for one moment all hell breaks loose for me.) 

“Life is a gift it’s ungrateful to tell a parent you never wanted to be born” hi, i never asked to be born, you never made me feel like i had any reason to want to be alive except for what I could bring you and you only, i’ve never thought i’d live past 18 and was s/uicidal at a young age because i felt unwanted and felt like carrying everyone’s burden. Y’know, things we talked about multiple times. 

“ye but your elder sister made it associate to a trauma” well that’s a trauma for me as well thank you very much.

See, this is what actually sickens me with my parents. This sort of thin veiled sentences that somehow hit right in the nest of everything that once went wrong in my fucking life. This sort of little sentences that are even worse to me than actual insults because it disregard again everything we talked about. If i needed more proof (and i didn’t) that my parents never listen to me or care for my feelings outside of what it can bring them, this is a wonderful exemple.

I’m angry, i’m done, this family is a fucking mess, I’m tired. bye. 

[une-dyke-tragique]

My family says "homo//sexual" and "___ has autis//m" / "with aut//ism" and I know it's just semantics but oh boy do those both make me cringe and when my dad's there I don't feel comfortable enough to correct them But it's wild just sitting there when my mom is the one who diagnosed me w asd and they both know I'm "queer" to some extent.... but I don't think my dad realizes... no dad I'm really a//utistic and that's why I did those things that you literally told me "made me look special needs" / were "over-reacting" / were "not normal behaviour" (literally all things he's told me maaaany times). It's frustrating that my dad didn't ACTUALLY think to himself "oh maybe I actually do have a special needs child and I should get that checked out by a doctor" and that my mom never bothered to get me properly diagnosed because it wasn't "severe enough" even though she KNEW like my entire life.... when my slow learning and anxiety and depression (which yes are related to asd) have both held me back so much in life... And like what year is it, people don't say h*mosexual anymore?? I don't want to be super bitter and I know I need to talk to them and not just rant about it online but it's kind of frustrating and weird putting a name to a distance I sometimes feel between my family and I and I wonder whether I'm ever going to feel okay speaking to my dad about my sexuality or my neurodivergency. All he is sure if is that I'm an anxiety-depression 🚅wreck and I take zoloft. Today I made a joke about how my mom always makes sure I take my pills and I said "I feel like xena (our old dog)" bc we used to have to force her to take pills and she hated it. He kind of smirked but looked uncomfortable. The past w my ~a/utism and ~~~h*mosexuality~~~ wrt my family has been strange, I'm not sure where we stand in the present, and the future is a mystery... all I'm sure of us that life is a wild ride, folks

[koushirouizumi]

* d o n o t r e b l o g

mE, sitting sTRAIGHT UP, IN THE YEAR 2K20, yELLING:

“ K0USHIR0 IZUMI IS @UTISTIC ”