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mymoonagedaydream · 4 years ago

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Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

Summary: Angry and terrified, you were just glad to have Bucky looking out for you- even if you weren’t sure how long that would last

Pairing: Biker!Bucky x y/n

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Language, implied smut, anti-religious sentiment throughout, harmful relationship with parents, smoking, panic attacks, some offence may be caused to people who enjoy economics

Author's Note: Who doesn't love a sequel? Maybe even a cheeky little series... This one is heavily influenced by 'Vienna', but I sprinkled in ‘The Longest Time’ too. This whole Billy Joel thing might’ve gotten on top of me a little...

---

Bucky’s bike shuddered to a stop outside an old, dilapidated apartment building. The cold air was deep in your bones and your arms felt like they were frozen in place around his waist. As soon as the engine died he jumped up and spun round, holding your head in his hands and rapidly scanning his eyes over your face and arms.

‘You alright? They didn’t hurt you did they?’ You gave him a reassuring smile and shook your head, prompting him to drop his hands down to your bare shoulders. ‘Man you’re freezing, c’mon let’s get inside.’

You let him wrap his leather jacket around your shoulders and guide you to the door. As you climbed the stairs your phone buzzed in your pocket, but you ignored it- even if it wasn’t your parents, you weren’t exactly in the mood for chatting.

Bucky unlocked a grubby door and you followed him through it. His apartment was sparsely decorated and a little messy, but you’d take anything over shag carpets and crucifixes on every wall. He kicked an old pair of trainers out the way of the door and muttered something about how he would’ve tidied if he knew you were coming. You smiled up at him, just happy to be somewhere safe and peaceful.

Your phone buzzed again, more sporadically. Must’ve been a flurry of texts. Bucky heard the vibrations and stopped frantically tidying, his eyes moving down to your pocket and filling with concern.

‘That them?’

You shrugged feebly and reached for it, feeling your whole body tense up when you started reading the string of messages from your mother.

Answer the phone now

You’ve chosen a criminal over your own family

If you don’t come back now that’s it, no more support

This is your last chance

Your heart started pounding and you struggled to catch your breath. A sudden, sharp pain shot through your chest, making you feel dizzy as you began trying to frantically pull air into your tightening lungs.

Bucky pulled you over to the sofa, sitting you down and encouraging you to take deep breaths, your eyes still glued to the screen. More and more messages were coming through, only interrupted by the occasional phone call that you sent straight to voicemail. You felt him softly stroking your back, his other hand moving towards the device clamped between your whitening knuckles.

‘Maybe you should just take the phone off the hook, disappear for a while.’ He gently tugged it from your hands, feeling your slight resistance. ‘It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.’

You nodded, wiping a tear off your cheek. Bucky switched the phone off and pushed it to the far side of the coffee table, keeping his eyes fixed on you. You knew he was right- staring at your phone like that was just another way of letting your parents get to you. How the hell did he always know exactly what to say?

He scooched closer and pulled you into him, leaning the two of you back into the sofa cushions. You were still making an effort to maintain controlled, deep breaths, but the rest of your panic was offset by the overwhelming safety you felt being wrapped in his arms.

Completely exhausted, it was only a few minutes before you started nodding off.

You were so grateful that your abiding memory of one of the most terrifying days of your life was soft fingers running through your hair and the faint smell of cigarettes.

---

Loud banging jolted you awake.

Your eyes flickered open and you looked over to see Bucky standing by the window, one hand braced against the glass, staring intently at something below him.

‘There’s cops outside.’

Banging again.

You were still trying to figure out whether you were awake or dreaming. He folded his arms and turned to face you, the complete lack of concern on his face making you feel a little better.

‘They’ve been down there for a couple minutes already.’ He chuckled. ‘We should probably go see what they want.’

Bucky opened the front door and you saw three officers waiting outside- one right on the doorstep, one a bit further back and another leaning against a marked car parked on the road.

‘Are you y/n?’ The closest piped up as soon as you appeared in the doorway.

‘Yes, why?’

‘Your parents have reported you as kidnapped, they gave us his name.’ The officer glanced over to your companion, looking remarkably unimpressed. ‘James.’

‘Hi Terry.’ Bucky grinned, folding his arms and leaning against the opened door.

You were in complete disbelief, quickly trying to string together some kind of response whilst bracing yourself for being tasered and tackled to the ground.

‘I’ve not been kidnapped.’ Well that definitely wasn’t high on your list of sentences you expected to say today. ‘I’m sorry, my parents have wasted your time.’

Terry’s eyes darted between you and the suspect, looking as though he was trying desperately to find something amiss. After an uncomfortably long silence he eventually drew a blank, nodded and apologised. You heard a gruff chuckle next to you.

‘Stockholm syndrome, officer. Ain’t it a bitch.’ Bucky remarked through a smug smile.

The cops piled into their car and the two of you traipsed back upstairs. As you properly registered what had happened, you felt anger brewing in your chest. Jesus, did your parents really think everything would just go back to normal if they got him arrested? Even for them that was absolute madness.

When you got into the apartment you slammed the door behind you, prompting him to spin round.

‘I can’t believe they did that.’

‘Really? I sorta can.’ He chuckled.

You looked up at him, clutching your forehead in exasperation and letting a hot tear fall onto your cheek. ‘I’m really sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to drag you into this shit.’

‘Woah, woah. Please don’t cry.’ He pleaded softly, placing his hands on your shoulders. ‘I hate it when people cry. I never know what to do.’

You let out a trembling laugh at the panic in his voice, wiping your face and forcing a feeble smile. He pulled you into a tight hug and pressed a kiss into your forehead. Unable to hold back your tears, you buried your face deep in the crook of his neck in an attempt to hide them.

Any adrenaline you’d built up from your high-stakes escape had long worn off, now you just felt deflated. Admittedly you were a little scared too, after all you’d only known Bucky properly for a week and here you were basically moving in together.

‘We should get out of town for a while, let tempers settle a bit.’ He whispered. ‘I know a place we can stay.’

---

After getting you properly kitted out with a warm jacket and helmet, Bucky packed himself a few days worth of white t-shirts and underwear. Following him to the door, you glanced over at your phone and hesitated, debating whether or not to grab it.

‘Let them worry.’ He whispered, wrapping his hand around your wrist and leading you out.

You drove for an hour or so, the warmth from Bucky and the steady vibrations of the bike soothing you into a tranquil relaxation. Your eyes surveyed the scenery whizzing past, watching the suburban landscape fall away, replaced by huge expanses of grass dotted with trees and the occasional old farm building.

He pulled off down a gravel side road, eventually reaching a small campsite. A couple tents were pitched, most of them inhabited by parents with miserable-looking children, all of whom expressed great distaste at the volume of the motorbike. When it finally stopped, you lifted your head and surveyed your accommodation for the next few days.

A trailer. If only your dad were here, his face would be an absolute picture.

You really didn’t mind though, it looked pretty cosy and you weren’t exactly in a position to turn anything down.

‘Sorry it’s not much.’ Bucky smiled as he helped you off the bike and unlocked the door.

‘It’s great, Buck.’

You threw your stuff down in the bedroom before flopping on the sofa. Bucky opened up the fridge and offered you a beer, looking faintly shocked when you accepted and took a sizable gulp. He sat himself down next to you and ran his eyes over your face, frowning at your distant expression.

‘You good?’

‘Just thinking, trying to figure out how the hell I’m gonna solve all this.’ You sighed, taking another swig from your bottle.

‘What's the hurry about?’ He lifted his feet to rest them on the table. ‘You're so ahead of yourself, seems like sometimes you forget what you need.’

You narrowed your eyes at him, watching as he casually took a drink and stared out of the window, as if he hadn’t just come up with some of the most insightful shit you’d ever heard.

‘How are you so good at this, Buck? How do you know exactly what to say and do all the time?’

‘Y’know.’ He shrugged. ‘Parents suck, been there myself. Yours are too invested in your life, mine were the opposite I guess.’

Thinking on it, you did remember a couple incidents from school- Bucky having to sit out gym class cause he didn’t have a kit or getting picked on for wearing the same clothes for a week straight. You started to feel a little guilty, you always just assumed he was lazy or forgetful.

There was probably much more to it, but you got the impression he didn’t want to talk about it so you swiftly moved on.

‘Thanks, by the way. You didn’t have to do all this for me. I mean we barely even know each other.’

‘We went to school together for like ten years.’ He laughed, nudging you with his elbow.

You gave him a cynical look. ‘Yeah, but we actually spoke maybe three times?’

‘You knew I always had a bit of a crush on you though, right?’ You snapped your head towards him in complete shock. ‘Oh c’mon, I wasn’t exactly subtle about it.’

‘I think you fucking were.’

‘Well you always hung around those weird Christian kids so I never made a move or anything, but I knew there was something different about you. Something in your eyes.’ He grinned. ‘Itching for rebellion.’

You burst out laughing, nodding at his analysis- here you were living in his bloody trailer, he was obviously right.

‘There’s a grill outside.’ He finished his beer and jumped up. ‘I’m gonna make some hotdogs.’

‘The only food we’ve ever eaten together is hotdogs.’ You chuckled, leaning your head to the side.

‘We’re livin’ like trailer trash so we gotta eat like trailer trash, sweetheart.’

---

It was a warm evening. You lay back on the grass outside the trailer, staring up at the starry, cloud-dusted sky, taking the opportunity to decompress your mind after the last few days. You never imagined it was possible to pack so many intense, conflicting emotions into such a short space of time.

You heard Buck move over from where he was cleaning the grill, laying himself down next to you. He was close by, but not quite touching. You got the impression that he was worried about overstepping your boundaries but, while you really appreciated how considerate he was, all you wanted at that moment was to curl up in his arms.

He turned his head towards you. ‘What is it you do at college?’

‘Economics.’ You felt your eyes glazing over as you replied, Christ you hated it.

‘Was that your choice?’

‘What do you think?’

You decided that closing the gap yourself would be the easiest option, saving him some internal conflict. You rolled onto your stomach and moved your shoulders over him, resting your head on his chest. He smiled as you heard the thumping in his chest quicken slightly.

Once you were settled on him, you added ‘I wanted to study literature, but my dad said that a degree in being able to read wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on.’

He brushed his hand across your hair, humming gently. ‘And what did your dad want you to do with this thrilling economics degree?’

‘No idea. But if I had to guess I’d say college, job, marry, kids, retire, die. The first four probably within the next few years.’

Bucky let out a surprised laugh. ‘Jesus. You barked that out like a well-trained dog.’

You feigned outrage and smacked him on the shoulder, causing him to grab your hand. He squeezed it and brought it to his mouth, pressing his lips gently against your fingers. Glancing down, he noticed you looking a little distant again.

‘Trust me, you're doing fine.’ He placed your hand back on his shoulder. ‘You can't be everything you want to be before your time.’

‘It’s not that, it’s just… my dad wanted a secure life for me, sometimes I think it was wrong how much I resented him for it.’

‘That’s the thing about you.’ He put a hand behind his head and craned it up to catch your eyes. ‘You can see when you're wrong, but you can't always see when you're right.’

‘Well they say opposites attract, James.’ You gave him a cheeky grin, raising your eyebrows in response to his outraged expression.

‘C’mere.’ He growled, flipping onto his side and grabbing your waist, pulling you towards him whilst you playfully resisted.

You eventually relaxed, letting him hold you flush against his chest, one of his arms underneath you circling your waist and the other resting lightly on the side of your face. Both your hands were fiddling with the jersey fabric of his t-shirt in an attempt to soothe your jittering nerves. When you went to adjust yourself, you realised that your leg was hiked up over him, your inner thigh resting on his hip.

‘You shouldn’t go back if you hate it.’ He whispered.

You raised your eyebrows, suspecting that your wellbeing wasn’t his only motive for suggesting that.

He continued through a faint smile, ‘and, y’know, maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone.’

‘Finally we get down to a confession?’

‘Well the way I see it, doll-face, you can get what you want or you can just get old.’ He swiftly flipped you onto your back, causing you to yelp faintly through a surprised laugh. You felt his body pressed on top of yours, his face hovering just a few centimetres away. ‘Besides, I’ve been a fool for lesser things.’

You moved your arms to circle his neck, feeling your stomach tremble as his grin grew wider. His gaze flickered down to your lips, brushing his thumb over them gently before lowering his face and locking you into a passionate kiss.

You adjusted your legs so that your thighs were squeezing his waist. His hand reached down to grab one of them, squeezing it firmly. He caught your faint moan in his mouth and chuckled in response, sliding his other hand underneath your shirt. His skin was cold as hell but it felt incredible, like faint electricity was passing between his skin and yours.

There on the grass, underneath the stars and the bright glow of the moon, you and Bucky slept together for the first time.

Everything that’d happened, all the confusing emotions of the past few days, completely melted from your mind. For the first time in your life you felt completely free and completely loved.

Christ, you hoped he’d still feel the same in the morning.

---

Part Three

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years ago

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Good morning/afternoon/evening/night, Ralph. (I think I covered all my time zone bases there). I have been thinking lot lately about all the rhetoric in the fandom about Harry’s health and well-being, and how loud it has felt this year. To be clear, I am not asking for you to weigh in with your own speculations about how Harry is doing, unless you feel comfortable doing so. (I’m not telling you what to do either way, obviously, seeing as I am only a little grey icon in your inbox and have no right or way to demand anything of you.) I’m more looking for guidance or even just your rambling thoughts about what is respectful and appropriate when we’re wondering about a celebrity’s well being, and how you handle your own thoughts and assumptions about this. I feel like over the course of the last year we’ve just been inundated with all this panic and speculation about how Harry is unhappy or unhealthy or otherwise not himself, going all the way back to the Jingle Bell Ball Golden performance. Every time we get any new content there’s a wave of people saying he looks too thin and overworked like he’s not getting enough food or rest, or overweight and out of shape (pick a lane, people), he looks stressed, he looks sad, he looks angry, his eyes have lost their sparkle, his smile is dim, he’s addicted to drugs, he’d addicted to drugs because Jeff is doping him up to keep him going, he’s going to quit music, he’s going to hurt himself, blah blah blah. And the people making these “observations” hide behind the assertion that they’re just worried for his health when they’re faced with any sort of criticism.

This whole ongoing rhetoric feels really…icky? I suppose? to me. I do kind of think he has looked more drawn and intense (“stressed” and “sad”) in the content we’ve gotten this year, but I also think (1) the content we’ve gotten has largely been pap shots and stunt stuff, (2) this year he had to postpone his tour, and we know he loves performing so that must have really sucked, and (3) this year has just been rather shit for all of us, we’re all stressed and sad and scared and frustrated by the larger political and social goings on, and by the ways our own lives are impacted. In the past, the content we’ve gotten where Harry looks the happiest and most at ease has been performance footage or him with his family and loved ones. We haven’t gotten any of that this year. It makes sense that the pictures we do get would feature him looking less than completely relaxed and jubilant. And then there are all the assumptions that he’s lost weight or gained weight and is therefore unhealthy or on drugs or drinking a lot and that just honestly pisses me off. You cannot tell jack shit about a person’s health from their weight, and especially not in random pictures taken at random intervals in random settings. To pretend you can is harmful, and Harry probably won’t see you making these assumptions about his mental and physical health based on the prominence of his cheekbones in a set of pap pics, but friends and strangers who are already struggling with their weight will. And the assertion that someone is dealing with an addiction of any kind (or, god forbid, and I hate even typing this, being subjected to drug use at the hands of someone with power over them) is an allegation that a) you can’t make from one picture and b) has really deep, life altering, tragic and painful and hard consequences for that person and all their loved ones, and deserves more respect and deference than to be treated as something you can just throw out into the great wild beyond and then forget about.

But beyond the fact that people are making hurtful and invasive allegations and assumptions about a real person’s private life based entirely on a very very limited and posed and edited set of content that was hand chosen to be given to us, I think the thing that bothers me the most is it feels like the people who are driving these conversations are doing so because they want something from Harry. It’s never (or rarely, I suppose) “man Harry looks tired in the pictures we’ve gotten lately, I really hope he’s taking care of himself, things have been so hard for us all.” It’s always “Harry has been so withdrawn and sad and angry he’s not communicative with fans and he’s not willing to engage with them when he sees them in public and I miss him. I miss my Harry. I miss happy Harry. I want him back. Give me Harry back.” Which tells me the concern isn’t Harry or Harry’s health, but rather the feeling that Harry owes us something that he hasn’t been giving, and now he must pay up or give us a valid excuse.

Then I do, occasionally though, find myself thinking “am I doing exactly what I’m complaining about? Am I assuming the worst of people based on a limited set of insights into their lives?” And in the wake of the Britney legal battle that has been unfolding recently, I sometimes wonder if maybe as fans we do have kind of a duty to call out celebrities when they seem to be struggling or acting incredibly out of character. Most of the time I follow this up immediately with the thought that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s health and safety, much less that of a 27 year old man I’ve never met and have no connection to beyond liking his music and his face, and I do truly believe that, but there is some part of me that feels uneasy just turning off all my concern, because I am a person who tends to be greatly concerned about everyone, who just wants everyone to be happy and healthy and safe and loved, and who wants to help people feel that way, where and when I can. So I guess what I’m asking, in the incredibly long winded and winding way I ask anyone anything (my poor husband, he gets a novel from me every time I ask what he thinks we should do for dinner) is do you have any of these same feelings and concerns? How do your navigate them? Where do you draw a line? Do you just withdraw completely from this type of speculation? How do you balance being a kind, engaged, empathetic fan with being a respectful, responsible fan who knows their limits? (And man, isn’t that the ultimate question?). Your blog is one I end up on whenever something big happens or a particular conversation pops up, because I’ve found that I really value the way you break things down and are willing to consider them from many perspectives, so I appreciate you even taking the time to read this.

Thanks for your interesting thoughts about Harry anon. I feel like there's a lot to respond to here and I'm going to start by answering the questions your questions - and then I'm going to get distracted and talk about a post I really hated.

I'm always a little bit worried about Harry, and all 1D members. He might be really struggling, that's always a possibility. Harry has lived a very intensely scheduled high workload life since he was 16. He might have had all sorts of responses to the fact that that schedule was removed, or anything else that is happening in his life. But I feel like I'm generally pretty boundaried about those concerns.

I think part of it is because my base line assumption is that boyband members are pretty fucked up. You don't need to know a lot about the history of touring musicians to know that. I think I've said before that if 1D members are eating every day and not doing needle drugs then they're doing better than we have any right to expect (and if they're not eating and are doing needle drugs, then those are coping mechanisms for intense stress and there's no shame in either of them).

I do think it helps with boundaries to be starting from a point that acknowledges how hard it is to be a popstar. I'm all about fantasies of omnipotence and in my day to day life I think I can fix all sorts of things, but I don't think I can make any difference to any 1D member's life.

In addition, I am profoundly affected by having been a fan throughout 2016. We know what it looks like when Louis was going through a horrendous, devastating, trauma - and it looks pretty normal.

None of this means I don't have opinions, or worries, but I am aware that my opinions or worries aren't facts. It's rare that I think that my worries should matter even to people reading my tumblr, let alone other fans in general, and certainly not Harry. You say 'am I doing the same thing as other people assuming the worst about people...', but I'd argue that that's actually not the problem. There's nothing wrong with assuming the worst of people. What is wrong is when fans think their assumptions about a celebrity should matter to anyone else. You don't have to turn off your concern to think that it's not a priority.

I definitely think it would be a very bad thing if people took the moral as the 'free Britney' movement as 'fans should call out celebrities when they think they're struggling'. That sort of surveillance isn't effective or useful. What has been useful for Britney is solidarity in a well documented power struggle, which is a very different thing.

And I can't emphasise enough how important the 'well documented' aspect of this is. What most fan worrying about Harry amounts to is: 'I don't like what he's doing, and there's no way he'd do things I didn't like and therefore there must be something wrong with him'. That's a really controlling way of thinking about people. I really think it's important not to reproduce that abusers logic.

I am pretty well insulated from that sort of discourse from a very well weeded dash. But I saw a post that was mostly about other fandom stuff, that treated assumptions like: "Harry must hate being with Olivia and he's suffering and it's clear he's not happy with his image and his team" as building blocks that you don't even have to argue for (this is the post - and I'm going to come back to one of the things someone said that was even worse in a second).

Lets stop for a minute and imagine that Harry hasn't got a problem pretending to date Olivia, and his main concerns are about the messiness of life and his career at this point in time. It is really fucked up and agressive, and pretty hateful towards Harry, to say 'oh he couldn't possibly want this. It's clear that he hates it.' etc. (I feel like I've been making this argument for years about people who object to Louis doing such things as smoking and not performing middle-class culture for them). When fans trash talk what Harry is doing at the moment, and suggest that believing he could be choosing what he's doing is some how an act of huge disrespect to him, there is every chance they are trash talking him and the choices he's making.

The final thing I want to draw attention to is how often this sort of fan storytelling is combined with a profound lack of interest in what 1D members are actually going through. The tags screen shotted and added on to the post I reblogged actually described Holivia as Douis 2.0. Apparently assuming that there was absolutely no connection between Douis, and Louis and his family's ultimately successful efforts to privacy as Jay was dying. What the fuck is wrong with people that they ignore that, and erase that? There's far more interest in making up 1D members suffering so that fans can continue to tell the stories they want to tell, than actual acknowledgement of what we know that they went through.

Sorry I got distracted. What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with having feelings about celebrities or telling stories about them. But it's so important to acknoweldge the limits of your knowledge and power, even when fandom discourse encourages the opposite.

#I cannot articulate how angry the tags about Douis made me #not just insisting that they were the same as Holivia #and therefore erasing what was going on for Louis in 2016 #but insisting other people do the same #None of this would be necessary #if people would just be OK with the fact that they were following closeted artists #and therefore those artists would pretend to date women #But instead #so many fans make up suffering to explain 1D members are doing things they don't like #and in the process show contempt for what we know they've been through

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elizabethsharmon · 5 years ago

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Now that s5 has ended what do you think about it? I remember seeing you be quite vocal about the season and then you just stopped and I was just wondering what your general opinion is. Did the fandom scare you away? :(

hey there! I kind of stopped being so loud about the show here cause at some point I just gave up about s5 and don’t worry, it would take a lot for fandom to scare me away and i’ll be back with my usual bullshit in 2 weeks with s6 clip by clip reactions ✌️ anyway, i was going through my archive while writing this to remind myself of what happened in each clip and what were mine and fandom’s reactions to it and somehow when I started writing this, it turned out I can’t stop and it got quite long so I'mputting it under read more:

So first of all may I just say that the trailer/firstclip was one of my favourite clips of all times. It was just SO GOOD and to meit was like a dream come true cause I was talking about dropping a clip andstarting a season on New Year since July AND THEY DID IT AND IT WAS E P I C,such a power move, I love it. Honestly everything worked there, the music wasamazing, it was so wonderful to see both squads partying together, it wasperfect, 11/10.

Then the season started and I absolutely loved thefirst two episodes, we really started to get into Arthur's head, to get to knowhim and his family, find out how insecure he is and how well he's hidingeverything from others, and Arthur and Alexia clips!!!! They worked so welltogether and were so cute and supportive, I said it back then that if they ruinthem I will never forgive them for that because what was the point of makingthem a couple in the first place?? I still don't understand that, I don't thinkI ever will... Fast forward to the first Wednesday of the season aka underwatermale gaze aka the moment I knew we're in for a ride and it won't be a goodone... When the clip started I was over the moon, I'm a swimming hoe myself andI loved that they used the pool for actual swimming, the cinematography wasbeautiful and I loved that they found a way to incorporate Lisa into the story.That was until Arthur dived and saw Noee... and sadly, this was the firstmoment I emotionally yeeted out from the season. Don't even get me started howwrong it was - 1. using the pool which is a sacred place in the show’smythology; 2. using piano music; 3. peak male gaze, objectifying Noee, andArthur staring at her even though HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND; they were setting it upas a love triangle from the beginning and after those 10+ weeks I still havethe same question about it as I had back then: why. It was also the first timefandom started to be hostile and the shipping war began, some people werecoming to my and my friends' inboxes, sending us anons to stop thinking theworse about Arthur, that love triangle will definitely not happen and thatDavid explained on his insta that they used the setting of pool in another waythan it was used in og s3... Well, jokes on you cause we were right. Anyway thatWednesday clip was to me the first red flag of the season, the first momentwhen some people started attacking others, when the fandom police started formingand suddenly you couldn't say anything because someone would jump on you andsend hate.

But I decided to let it slide, hoping that they reallywouldn't go there (spoiler alert: they did) and then we got Friday clips withelu housewarming (i'm still emo!!!) and Arthur losing his hearing permanently.It was absolutely heartbreaking to find out he lost hearing in his left ear 2years ago, it was a real game changer back then and suddenly everything changed- why he was looking at Alexia so intently, why he didn't cover his left ear atnye party, etc. I absolutely LOVED the way they handled the topic at thebeginning with Jerome explaining everything to Arthur and to us and I LOVED thepositive discourse it started within the fandom with deaf/hoh people teachingothers and explaining things without getting mad at silly questions - tbh to meit was one of the best parts of the first half of the season and I'm reallygrateful for it ❤️

Sunday clips with gang were one of my favourite in theseason, I think Arthur took us all by surprise when he went to elu's flat totell the guys that he can't hear and they were chaotic and supporting andamazing and wow, I really don't understand what the fuck happened and wherethey disappeared in the second half of the season. I loved that they hinted aturbex king Eliott and I kinda feel like that might come back in s6....... butanyway. The 7 amclips were absolutely one of the highlights of the season. They helped to buildsome sort of routine and Robin absolutely nailed them, I could feel howpowerless and more frustrated he was feeling AND I also felt betrayed that wedidn't get one on Thursday and Friday. Even though after the first pool clip Iwas dreading every single next clip there, I really liked that they were showingus that Arthur goes there every Wednesday, it really helped to get inside hishead and to understand him more and I kinda wish they hadn't stopped thatbecause it would be a really power move to keep showing that. Alexia in episode2 was just WOW, i can't believe there were people who were saying she andArthur don't have chemistry or that he should break up with her because she'snot supportive - well, she proved you all wrong. Too bad Arthur was too dumband self-absorbed to appreciate that.

BASILE/ARTHUR FRIENDSHIP. All their clips were solovely and heartwarming, I loved how different Basile was in Arthur's pov toBasile we knew at the beginning of s3; when he didn't want to leave Arthuruntil he said back that he loves him :'))) wholesome. I kinda wish we got tosee more of those two, they're definitely hanging out just the two of them andthat's what was lacking for me, those 3 or so clips of just the two of thembeing wholesome buddies were great but they were not enough.

The party clip on Thursday of ep2 was great, I lovedhow they're giving us little insights of deaf/hoh community and showing usArthur getting drawn to it. I wish that it wasn't overshadowed by love triangleand we got more of it, but I'll be back to it later...

Now, episode 3 and 4 were strong in the term of clipsbut those two weeks were incredibly boring when you were watching it in realtime. The breaks were too long, there were three clipless days each episodewith hardly any social media update and at times it made me forget about theshow completely. The bar clip in ep3 was great until they started sayingproblematic shit and tbh I was really starting to stress over Eliott then -first we got a hint that housewarming party was canceled because he wasn't feelingwell, now over a week later he's not feeling well again and Lucas' "he'smy boyfriend and i love him" was very cute and I loved it but it alsostarted to lead to misery porn and this dread didn't leave me until the end ofthe season and I'm still worried that it will play a part in s6 and it won't behandled well (disclaimer: this is not about the fact that they're talking aboutEliott's MI, it's about how Lucas started to act like a martyr and the way theystarted to show him acting almost like Lucille).

Episode 3 was also the time when I think it becameobvious that Arthur's short outburst of communication was gone and we'll haveto deal with next few weeks of miscommunication, sulking and hiding. Beginningof ep4 was another moment for me when I wanted to escape from this seasonbecause of the fandom police - they created as hostile atmosphere for the fanswatching in real time as druck stans did during s3, when you couldn't commentanything or say anything without other people jumping on you, calling you outand hating you, that for a moment again I was ready to give up on the show. Ireally wish I had done it.

As much as I liked stupid gang content in thecafeteria the whole clip was kinda odd and the 1,5 days break between the clipand laser tag was too much. I feel like the pacing in episode 4 really didn'twork in their favour and the clips could've been placed in another order sothat the breaks weren't so long. The laser tag was such a strong clip withbeautiful cinematography and colouring and it showed us Arthur's problems withsensory overload and again - I wish we could find out more about it because inthe end the clip was too short and cut abruptly only for Arthur to go to Noeeto see her dance in a scene that was pure male gaze, where the camera lingeredon her flat, bare stomach, a few times showing close up of her boobs. And yes.I am aware sing language is a bodily language. But the thing is that itcould've been shown differently, without so many objectifying shots, with Noeewearing different clothes, without Arthur staring at her with his jaw dropped.Arthur who - may i remind you - had a girlfriend at that time. I can watchgore, I can watch open surgeries, I can watch blood, and fight, and beating,and all that without the blink of the eye. i could barely watch the clip ofNoee dancing. I've never felt so sick after watching something in my life, Ihad to go offline for a few hours cause I was feeling so unwell. This was sucha fucked up scene to film in such a way, to objectify her, to use male gaze, touse piano music, slow motion, man looking at her in a predatory way, and thisscene was so wrong on so many levels itself but when you add to it the factthat Alexia NEVER got scenes like that and all her dancing scenes showed her basicallyas a quirky friend having fun at parties. And that's disgusting.

But let's move on to episode 5. I loved all the scenesin the asso, I loved that they showed Arthur actually going to LSF classes, Iloved how he confronted his father about it later. Though episode 5 was alsothe start of the boy squad becoming brainless idiots, lying to his friend,plotting behind his back, going to a concert without him. Episode of beautifulcinematography and skating scene that I watched trying not to think about thefact that Arthur is basically having a date with another girl while hisgirlfriend is studying for her bac, of an oblivious guy not wanting to stop itbefore it's too late and everyone's hearts will be broken.... I loved that hesnapped at the guys in the detention clip. I liked the following clip withAlexia, when they made her talk about her insecurities, showed us how strongshe is but also how fragile she is at the same time. But that Sunday of episode6 was the moment I ultimately realized I don't care any more about this season.It was already ruined for me. Alexia opening up, Alexia asking Arthur aboutNoee and him saying the worst ableist shit ever, Arthur breaking Noee'sheart... Those three clips made me realize that for me it's too late, thedamage is done, and I won't be able to enjoy this season for real. Alexia wasbound to get her heart broken, I was pitying Noee because it wasn't her fault aguy she had a crush on kept on leading her for weeks, and Arthur... I dislikedhim more and more and I just wanted it to be over.

I loved all clips with Laura and Melchior, the playfuldynamic in their interactions with Arthur was one of the best things of theseason and I can't stop but think that we could've had the same thing but withArthur, Noee, and Camille. Meanwhile Noee was reduced to manic pixie dreamgirl, a homewrecker, a plot device, and Camille was there only to translate(and later to be Mika's boyfriend). I really liked the clip with Noee andArthur reading her letter about cochlear implant, it was very informative andit was the kind of content I really wanted to see in this season. The onlything I hated about it - which was a recurring theme in clips with Noee... - isthat Arthur kept forgetting about Alexia and this was so unfair to her.

Now. The Valentine's Day. I loved the sourd datingclip, again, it was something that I wanted to see in the season and it was avery strong clip. But then the rest of the episode... I really wish it didn'texist. Jumping to the pool in clothes???? Arthur sharing his deepest trauma andNoee kissing him??? NOEE AND ARTHUR SHIPPERS JUMPING ON PEOPLE SAYING THAT SHEDID IT TO COMFORT HIM???? Sorry guys, I don't know about you but when myfriends are sharing something traumatizing to me I hug them or hold their hand,I don't kiss them with tongue. Also using a flashback??? It doesn’t go wellwith the show’s format, why was it even used???

Episode 8 was... Episode 8 was wild. And weird. Andstrange. And I don't really know what was the point of it. But despiteeverything crackfic farm au was at least entertaining and it was kind ofsomething we needed then after weeks of will they/won't they and hating Arthur.Whipped elu was everything, the fifi saga was hilarious and I rewatched itaround 50 times and it still makes me laugh - Maxence nailed it but ?? what wasthe point? they killed Eliott's bunny so that he would become vegetarian? Theywanted to traumatize him and cause him to have an episode that was cut in theend? (I really wouldn't be surprised, there are 2 clips missing from firstepisodes each, and probably more in the others). I really don't know what wasthe point. The 6h15 or sth clip was funny but if Lucas and Arthur hugging itout cause sorry bro / it's okay bro / bro / bro is what they're considering aproper apology then I'm sorry but it isn't. What's more, the pacing of thisepisode was incredibly off and the clips didn't add up and there wasn't anynatural flow to it - they should've madetwo clips on Sunday - with Arthur getting to the van and them arriving to thecountryside, two clips on Monday with 6 am and then Daphne and Basile, Fifitrilogy on Tuesday and then right after midnight on Wednesday Arthur and Alexiain the barn. Now, the cheating excusing convo... I was absolutelydisgusted by the boy squad and the fact that YANN who was cheated on in s1advised Arthur to not say anything... wow. Also I really don't like what Eliottsaid there, I understood it in that moment that he was mainly talking from aphilosophical pov that humans are never satisfied in general, but he was sayingthat during the cheating convo, right after he said that he cheated on his gfto get with his bf, he said it while Lucas was right there, knowing that he hasdeeply rooted abandonment issues and this is what made the situation worse. Ithink I'll talk more about the fandom reaction and team's comments later causethere will be a lot to unpack there so yeah, I'll leave it for now.

Because now let's move on to February 21, aka theFriday that changed everything. Can I just say that I have never seen a worseclip ever in my life? That wasn't skam. That was soap opera. And not even agood one. I can't even comprehend how they wrote THIS and thought it was good.I despise the choice of making Noee speak out loud with every fiber of mybeing. First they objectified her, reduced her to the plot device and 1/3 ofthe love triangle, and now they stripped her of her integrity for a guy who wasconstantly leading her on, who has a girlfiend. They made her so desperate tomake him stay with her that she lost a part of himself for him. And for who??For a guy who didn't give a fuck about her? Who constantly played with herfeelings? Who mocked her and her language and her culture and didn't do so onlywhen it was convenient for him? Honestly fuck him, fuck Arthur. And then A CARCRASHED INTO HIM LIKE ????????????? Someone please explain to me what was thepoint of that cause the only one I see was to provide a fandom with a greatfree entertainment.

Now, episodes 9 and 10 were overall much stronger thanthe past few weeks but it was already to late to salvage the season. We gotanother cheating apologists scene which was - again - absolutely disgusting,especially coming from Lucas - who gave Arthur the same advice he gave to Emma- and Yann - who was cheated on and knew from his own experience that stufflike that always come out in the end. It's like all their character developmentfrom previous seasons went down the drain. Arthur on the other hand seemed tohave a character regression with each passing week. I'm still appalled by whatLucas said - that Alex is their friend but Arthur is part of the gang. It wasdisgusting. And it was out of the character. And it was the worst possiblething that could've been said.

Coline's song was so beautiful and I was so happy thatArthur finally realized what he's lost, though I feel like all those intensestaring between Arthur and Noee was unnecessary again, it's like they couldn'tjust give us a break for one clip from them, it's like she was constantlystealing Alexia's moments, whether she was on screen at the time or not.

The clip with elu was sweet and gave us greatwholesome content, but it only confirmed that Lucas' abandonment issues woke upfrom their nap and I'm already dreading what they're planning to do with thatin s6, especially that according to the latest news Lucas is not very presentin the next season... The polyamory talk... It was odd. It felt force. Thebuildup to it wasn't done very well and what' more it was built on cheating.And that's doesn't bode well. It's also quite ridiculous how it took 1 minuteconversation with Lucas or even one sentence from him tbh for Arthur to go"oh yeah I'm poly. I think." and tell Noee that he loves her eventhough he spent the last couple of weeks denying that and pushing her away. IHATE that yet again they made her be so desperate and cry when he was tellingher this. That's not Noee they gave us in the first half of the season. Ireally liked the clip of Laura and Melchior and Arthur giving the presentationto the students but Arthur's grandiose speech to students and then to girls wasso strange, there wasn't any buildup to it, or more likely Arthur that we werehaving on screen from the end of ep 4 till the end of ep9 was gone and the oldArthur finally showed up. But nevertheless it was strange and not very fittingto the way how the story progressed.

NOW the last two clips - first was a little bit shortand I can't say I was a huge fan (though Eliott's kermit-like dance waseverything jdskjdkjjd) but the second clip was absolutely beautiful, we finallysaw Daphne talk, I'm still not sure what to think about Noee/Arthur (not reallya fan of how the story was resolved... or how it wasn't resolved), AND THEMURAL! LUCAS CRYING BECAUSE HE'S PROUD OF HIS BOYFRIEND! ELIOTT ONCE A YEARMAKING A MURAL OUT OF PURE LOVE! EVERYONE CRYING! ELIOTT NOT PAINTING HIMSELFBECAUSE HE DOESN'T CONSIDER HIMSELF PART OF THE SQUAD (although he is, I don'tknow why they don't understand it) and... Lola. But I guess I'll be back to itlater.

So now, I can't say I'm a fan of the season. I enjoyedsome of the clips, but overall it was a mess, love triangle and fandom and crewbehaviour ruined the season for me. I was absolutely disgusted but howprivileged fans acted on tumblr and on twitter. And yes. There are privilegedfans, fans who were shutting others up because they "don't want us to getour hopes up when we don't know what might happen", fans who were sayingthat "you don't know anything haha i can promise you don't know shit hahano i don't know anything and no i'm not jealous haha you just don't know buthaha tell me this oh how stupid you are", fans who were acting like afandom police all the freaking time, yelling at everyone to "wait and see!you don't know what will happen!". Well. We didn't. Because contrary to 5%of the "little ones-fans", the rest 95% is not privileged enough toget a special treatment, to be invited on set for filming, to know the detailsof the plot before the season airs, to know the bigger picture. It's not fair.If you really know everything then great, I'm happy for you, but let the otherswatch the show how they like, let them react to it clip by clip. Because mostof us don't know the bigger picture and don't know what will happen and how theissues will be resolved. And you are aware that the format of the show itselfencourages viewers to react to the events of the story as they resolve onscreen and through transmedia content, right? That's the essence of skam.Taking that away from the regular fans because you've been let in to some innercircle and know it all is absolutely disgusting. Don't interact with the fandomif you can't stand seeing people not agreeing with the writing choices,questioning what they watch and theorizing about what will happen. If you're soabove it, then just stick with the people like you, with those 5% or so ofknow-it-all and "enjoy" the show with them. Don't ruin the fun forothers. You're not better than anyone else. Don't act like it. Don't be ahypocrite. Don't act publicly as a fandom police, criticize everyone who sharesspoilers and call them out and write hateful posts, if you're doing the sameprivately, if you can't shut up when someone sends you a dm or a message offanon and suddenly you spill everything. Don't be fake. If you know stuff, thengreat, I don't know admit it and say that you want say anything or don't sayanything but then don't spread the spoilers and don't write cryptic comments inthe tags. It's not helping anyone and it's definitely not doing anything good.And to people on twitter currently posting what I guess they assume are vaguetweets about cast’s personal lives? Fuck you. You’re so loud, you know? Maybeyou think you’re talking in a special code only you and your friends can guessbut it’s so obvious and so disgusting, you really have no shame. Grow up andget a life.

Another thing that ruined the season for me was theway the crew was acting on twitter and instagram and I’m so so so disappointed by their behaviour,especially that I’ve always considered them as one of the most open-mindedteams who respect their fans and their opinions. Turns out they do that butonly when the reactions to the clips are positive. I mean, I kind of get it,obviously everyone wants to hear the praise, but you cannot ignore thenegative comments and fans’ concerns, especially that there were plenty of themthis season. And during social media age when it takes one click to see theliked posts or comments, it becomes obvious that the crew was only interacting (evenin such a passive way like liking comments or tweets) with fanswho were praising the show. All the negative comments and questions werebrushed off, saying that “the season will reveal its own truth” and that iffans will have any questions they will be answered after. Well, franklyspeaking, me and my friends have a list of questions that we’d love to get ananswer for:

- why was love triangle necessary?- why did they make Alexia and Arthur a couple in the first place if theywanted him to go after Noee?- why did Noee say she doesn't like talking out loud cause sign language is howshe communicates only to yell at Arthur to stop him from leaving, losing herintegrity for a guy who doesn't care about her?- car????????????????????????- cheating convos - why are they excusing it like that- treatment of Alexia & why did they include numerous comments about Alexia'sbody?- THE MALE GAZE - why did the camera focus so much on Noee's body, why was sheobjectified and why was she presented as a stark contrast to Alexia?- fifi?- p*trick and why the abuse was introduced so late in the plot and overshadowedimmediately by cheating and then followed by crackfic farm au?- why didn't we see any Arthur centered clips where he shows he likes art?- why did Arthur and space have no relevance in the season???- why are Lucas and Yann saying shit every time they open their mouths and whydid they forgot about everything that happened in s1?- the whole convo with the boy squad on valentine's day and how shitty theirreaction was - why?- why we didn't see any actual squad interactions on holidays and no realapologies?- why does the life of the characters always has to revolve around romanticrelationships?- why can't men and women be friends unless the man is gay?- what was the point of all the ship wars and skamlaserie photo withArthur/Alexia and Arthur/Noee *especially* after all the comments on twitterand on Instagram when fans were fighting already and it only made thingsescalate? Why not stop it, why pit fans against each other, why let it escalatelike that?- why draw parallels between elu and Arthur/Noee?- Why was Noee reduced to love interest and Camille to translator 90% of thetime and why don't give them similar dynamics with Arthur as Melchior and Laurahave?- how can Arthur see underwater?- Catherine - was she just a queerbait?- tuturo comment from the forum and Arthur's 'relationship' with 34 yo - whywasn’t it mentioned ever again?- how could noee not know arthur has a girlfriend since she was following himon instagram and he had photos with alexia there?- what happened with basile's birthday since they never celebrated them??- in samedi 11:04 (5x10) eliott says "i've got some croissants, do youwant me to heat them up?" which implies that he's already bought them andbrought them back to the flat BUT he's putting his jacket on as if he was aboutto leave and then he leaves and slams the door so what's the truth?

The crew completely invalidated the feelings andconcerns of the fans and what added fuel to the flame for me was thatskamlaserie post with Arthur/Noee/Alexia and caption that they can’t choosecause they love them both and… Honestly, who the hell works there. There’s beendrama for the whole week on twitter and under David’s posts on insta andinstead of finally end it, idk block the comments or just make a statement ORWHATEVER, they posted THAT on the official show’s account?? Why haven’t they stopped it? Why did they keep on pitting fans against each other up to the point that one twitter user started getting DEATH THREATS only because they translated some video??? Absolutely disgusting.@skamlaserie and @fr team: hate to break it to you but there's nothing wrong with being single andthere's plenty of teenagers who aren't in relationships in high school andthat's okay... maybe that's how Arthur should've started the season instead ofbecoming a cheater and leading on two girls at the same time just for the sakeof having unnecessary relationship drama which literally only created somepointless ship wars and put half of the fandom off watching the show... just saying.

Then, another things that rubbed me the wrong way werethe whole “canceling” discourse (that never really happened and I still standby what I said in the comments to this post so I’ll just direct you to it) and imposingthe one “right” interpretation on the fans - I specifically have the cheatingconvo from episode 8 in mind now. We all have a right to our owninterpretations of every scene, here many people saw it as Eliott’s commenthaving an effect on Lucas and his abandonment issues and started commenting onthat on twitter and David had to rush to explain that he hadn’t meant Lucas,that Eliott won’t cheat and that they won’t break up and will stay together.Well, the thing is that there’s such a concept as “the death of the author”which I suppose you can already guess from its name says that the author, theirbeliefs, backstory, opinions, etc. shouldn’t be taken into account wheninterpreting the text because writing (or in this case - a show) and creatorare separate entities and shouldn’t be correlated. First of all, thismetaphorical extinguishing of fire seemed pointless and like a mockery, seeinghow two episodes later it turned out people were right and Lucas really tookEliott’s comment personally and his insecurities and abandonment issues wereshowing up again; secondly, after that there were many comments from the crewabout how Elu will stay forever and never break up and maybe it’s just me but Ithink that was obvious, right? So why would they keep repeating that? Unless…something will happen in s6 that will make us doubt that and it’s a preemptive damagecontrol 🙃

So to sum up this monstrosity that I have no idea ifit even makes any sense BUT ANYWAY: I liked some of the things in s5 but overall Ireally really didn’t like it, some people in the fandom were incrediblyannoying and turned out to be fake and complete hypocrites, and the crew’s behaviour on socialmedia leaves a lot to be desired and I can only hope they will acknowledge anycriticism of s6 and won’t blatantly ignore fans’ criticism again. So that’d beit. If you read it till the end then you’re stronger than Sabrina giffingArthur getting hit by a car and I respect you for that cause even I haven’t reread it, have a nice quarantineand stay safe!

#skam france #skamfr #anon #answered #maggie talks

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surveysonfleek · 5 years ago

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1548.

Zodiac Bingo

Aries Gotta go fast Independence Participant, always Fuck you, don’t tell me what do to *brooding intensifies* Good sense of humor I ain’t neva scared “I’m not competitive but I’m gonna win” Assertive Going first Running yellow lights

People are drawn to you even tho you don’t invite them Feelings = action Impulsivity Creative Leader Competent “I thought you didn’t like me”-everyone Accidentally hurting people’s feelings Shares everything with partner What if the pope blasted cigs? Starting shit you don’t feel like finishing “I guess that was rude” No. 9/24

Taurus Treat yo’self Underappreciated at work Loyalty Great tastes in art&culture Spoiled (or wishing you were) Robe appreciation A vice (alcohol, weed, or comfort food) Homemaking/nesting Continuing to do something you don’t love just because you’re resistant to change Affection via touch Easy going Perfecting a wardrobe that is both comfy and flawless Having good ass eyebrows Highkey sensitive Stubborn af Not even taking your *own* advice Gossiping Lady in the street but a freak in the bed Creativity Spooning Commitment Stressing out over a change in someone’s tone of voice Finishing what you started Lots of venting lol 9/24

Gemini Unpopular opinion factory Secret&diverse intellectual landscape “Oh I got really into *miscellaneous hobby or topic* for a while” Intellectualizing or ignoring feelings Cleaning maybe once a year Look, a distraction! Thinking faster than you can talk Restless without hobbies Talking faster than you can think Reading four books at once Tons of energy Teaching others what you know Trivia machine Moodiness Knowing everything but also forgetting everything Existential crisis “Sorry I forgot to text you back” So many interests so little time Accidentally talking too loud Young at heart Pretty good public speaker Endless scrolling Shitposting Unpredictable sleep schedule 5/24

Cancer Connecting with women “Guess I’ll have to love you with my whole heart and soul” Vegetarianism/veganism Fear of rejection Surrounding yourself with soft blankets and mood lighting Ferocious protector “I’m not going to dwell on it” *dwells on it* Takes child-rearing seriously Hardshell protecting soft ego Feeding sad friends Forecast: mood swings Heart of gold but still a badass Bad with boundaries Learning how to relax like it’s your job Lightweight drinker Yeah. Crying, ok? It’s not a big deal Mama trauma Food = comfort Nostalgia as a coping mechanism Identify built off memories Complaining Very emotionally intuitive of others Big fan of physical and emotional affection People telling you all their BS all the time 9/24

Leo Friendly Self-indulgence Never being able to tell if you’re the best or the worst People trying to compete with you lol Sensitive Decent at cheering people up Great hair Wardrobe swings between hot as hell and lazy af Interrupting Having a sense of honor Not doing something because you’re not good at it Talking too loud Finding dogs pretty relatable Creative talent Super supportive friend Enthusiasm Socializing like it’s your job&then needing to recharge Memes Priorities: eating and sleeping Boo hiss at rejection Looking good even when you feel like shit Drama Needing lots of love Loyal 9/24

Virgo Relating to Hermione Granger Gives great advice even when your own life is in shambles Flirting and running, an autobiography Petty Pretty damn intelligent Loving words/linguistics 8 hours of “studying” = 1 hour of real work Swings between clean and slobbish Indecision Splurging on food Mom friend A freak on the DL Peculiar eating habits Pretty good with words Good with pets and/or kids Known to schedule sex Multitasking af Cleaning as a coping mechanism “It me” Loves self-care but deprioritizes it 0 to hottie in 2 seconds flat Lowkey wood nymph All the receipts Bratty sub or service top 10/24

Libra If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all Pls no fighting Good judge of character Leadership roles in friendships Takes up less emotional space for the well being of others Art adoration Real glo up wizards Nature adoration Hates boredom Wholesome Keep it cute Emotionally braced for betrayal Lowkey running from problems with people Falling in love with people’s hearts/minds Investing in your appearance Loves all things cute Always the mediator Trust issues Charming Staying up to date on culture Taking the high road Always putting your feelings aside for others Aesthetics Mom friend 6/24

Scorpio Growing up early Being a new person every few years Black/dark wardrobe Pain is cool Interest in psychology/criminology/sociology Privacy Sexual but not promiscuous All or nothing thinking Intelligent Loner/lonely Taking care of everyone Would kill or die for loved ones Protective as fuck Bloodhound for truth Deep Fascination with death/insanity/occultism Love-hate relationships “idk I’m just feeling numb rn” Jealous or possessive Trust issues Loyal as fuck Secretly soft Gets shit done Boundaries 6/24

Sagittarius Long ass bucket list Prefers to mind their own business Unbothered Nice enough that people always think you’re hitting on them Fear of missing out Optimism Honest and upfront Your shit is lowkey not together Plenty of friends Snobby enough to have good taste Flirting your way into something you can’t finish Storyteller or philosophical preacher “Here for a good time, not a long time” “…rude” Free spirit “Films” Distracted Smarter than you look I’m just speaking my truth! “I’m just inviting a few people” Falls in love with your mind, then your body Blows up the aux cord Hedonism phases Horniness gets you into some shit lol 11/24

Capricorn On your grind Discipline dgaf attitude Stoic in the streets, softie in the sheets Planning ahead, way ahead Always prepared (Un)healthy coping mechanisms Likes structure Prioritizing self-mastery Loyal protector of friends, babies, and animals Basically born an adult Dark humor People being mad about your tough love Old soul Major procrastinator Kind of a know-it-all on the DL Major sadness and madness People thanking you for your tough love People think you’re responsible “Why was I programmed to feel pain” meme Parenting your parents “Lock that in the trauma vault” Either a loner or a socialite Giving advice like it’s your job 5/24

Aquarius Me, an intellectual: Needing to do things your way Superiority complex Gossip Conspiracy theories Skepticism Not even having the energy to tell people how wrong they are Courteous/considerate People love you but you hate people Lonely Outsider syndrome Relating to cats a great deal Hates being told what to do or when to do it Not trusting someone/something that’s popular Being accused of being emotionless Insightful Feeling like the only rational person in a room Existential crisis Devil’s advocate just to get people to think Rationalizing tf out of your feelings Hates small talk Vices You’re entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong it is Interest in sociology, psychology, and politics 10/24

Pisces Empath Dramatic Poetry or music Lots of imagination, fluctuating identity Getting high on being outside (and maybe weed) Alone time “Idk I’m just a lil sad rn idk” Spiritual af Helping people heal Existential dread Pets love you Mommy issues Good with kids Cathartic crying over art, movies, or nature Knowing how people feel before they do Feeling misunderstood/alone “Go with the flow” Encountering spirits On life: “I’m just here for the ride” Drugs Forgiving others but blaming yourself Kindness Sorry, I was dissociating Exploring nature 3/24

I am most like a: Sagittarius

I am actually a: Sagittarius (I actually don’t really believe in starsigns but here you go lol)

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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maulieber · 5 years ago

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My thoughts on Phantom Apprentice

Warning, VERY unpopular opinions, swearing & spoilers, proceed under your own responsibility.

I think this episode’s providing us with a fucking lot of information, in a very subtle way, so this is going to be hella long.

Maul’s anxiety and frustration

First, we come to see a Maul that’s anxious, very anxious about Sidious plan. He’s like acknowledging the plan is actually going to be executed and he’s suddenly realizing the vastness of it and the implications it has. And probably, that it will affect him as well, since he’s no longer a sith apprentice and thus the order to kill the jedi will also include kill Maul.

I LOVED his pause between the Darth and the Sidious, because it shows us two things. First, he’s fucking scared of sidious and with good reason, because he’s perhaps the only one in the whole galaxy that actually knows him and knows what he is capable of doing. Second, because of the plan itself. I honestly think Maul realizes that the plan’s fucking crazy and that he must warn and actually help other force users to stop Sidious.

Ahsoka’s blindness

The problem: since he’s the baddy, no one listens to him. I liked how Ahsoka was at first like “ok, I see your point, let’s do it”, until anakin pops up in the conversation, then she’s just in denial and completely blinded about him and then she turns against Maul. this is plain stupid on her. Especially because Kenobi had already told her that Anakin had killed Dooku, thus giving her a reason to doubt of Anakin’s pure heart.

We see Maul completely desperate to find someone to actually listen and help him, and the only one that shows up, Ahsoka, isn’t willing to help in the end. I bet Ahsoka in the end will feel very guilty because Maul was fucking right and she could’ve done something to help and she just didn’t.

Anyway.

Recruitment speech

In my humble opinion, I don’t really think Maul was actually recruiting Ahsoka to be an apprentice. I think he was just saying ‘let’s team up’, and then we’ll see what happens. I think this is clear in the fact that he says “the padawan needs a lesson”. He called her a padawan, thus implying he’s not making her his apprentice, and also, calling her short-minded by putting her in her former role as a jedi padawan, when he knows she had left the order.

The syndicates

Maul tells the syndicates leaders to hide. This is very important, but we’ll get on it later.

Gar Saxon

Ok so to me Gar Saxon is by far the one that lost the most in these events. First, I think he’s really the most loyal to Maul, the way some kind of lawful-good characters are, following their leader because he ultimately thinks he’s the right one. He even customized his armor to put the horns on it, like holy shit, he admires Maul to death.

Maul ultimately betrays him, I think it’s actually a part of his plan. Probably Saxon feels so betrayed it makes him join the Empire in return, instead of fighting for Maul’s followers. Remember Saxon’s the Empire’s puppet after this events until he gets killed in Rebels.

Rook Kast

Well everyone knows Rook’s a favourite of mine. I think she’s an interesting character and probably much closer to Maul than anyone. With this I’m not implying there’s any kind of romantic involvement (i’d love to, though), but anyway I think she’s his right hand and the only one Maul trusts enough to share his complete plan with.

Also I believe she’s the one waiting for him at the ship, so you know. She already saved him one in Son of Dathomir (also, did you notice there was a reference to it in the episode??) and she’s doing it again because she’s probably her bodyguard.

She is also the spokesman with the syndicates, as we see in the end of Son of Dathomir and in the previous episode, when Almec tells her to call the syndicates and put them to date.

Bo Katan

Funny, we see her complaining about the “occupying forces” in Mandalore. BITCH YOU BROUGHT THEM THERE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. YOU ARE RUNINING MANDALORE, NOW FUCKING SWALLOW THAT.

Almec

He was obviously going to be killed. I never liked this character much, but I kind of respect him more ever since last episode when he actually fighted Bo-Katan like a fucking boss in spite of how old he is.

Maul and Kenobi

This is totally a random thought I keep having, but I kind of believe Kenobi knows Maul’s plan. My guess is that he thinks he can handle Anakin on his own, thus he sends Ahsoka to help Maul deal with Sidious?

Also, there’s something Sam Witwer said about “something that we didn’t know happened happening”, and it hasn’t been revealed yet. I have a few theories on it but I prefer to share them in another post.

Maul’s paradigm swift

This is the really important point in the episode. Here we see Maul actually being mercyful (sparing Jesse’s life, for fuck’s sake!!!!!!!!!!!!), and actually letting bo-katan go help their soldiers occupying Mandalore. This is really something new to him. I was honestly impressed. Also, in this scene we get to see hints of Rebels Maul, I think he subtly is playing a joke on both Ahsoka and Bo-Katan in the way he speaks to them.

Also, we see him trying to do what’s correct. It’s obvious he’s terrified of Sidious. It’s obvious he’s not happy doing this, he’s anxious and we get to see him truly desperate. But still, he keeps trying. He says his plan was to lure kenobi, since kenobi isn’t there, he tries to talk to ahsoka. He even offers her a second chance, allowing her to joing him and escape with him in his ship.

Honestly, perhaps he hopes that, after killing Sidious, he’d try to have the Galaxy under his ruling, but i don’t think it’s hinted at all, it’s just Ahsoka saying it and nothing more. He’s like WHAT THE FUCK I’M PUTTING MY LIFE IN THIS GIRL.

The ‘let me die’ line

That’s when he has the mental breakdown. I honestly don’t think he’s suicidal or that he had planned on dying in this battle at all. My thoughts are that he’s just so frustrated about his plans not working out the way he wanted, and Ahsoka don’t listening, even he warned her, even he’s trying FOR ONCE to do what’s correct.

He’s just venting his rage and throwing a tantrum. I’m sure he’ll regain his composure in the next episode and he’ll still try to do what’s correct.

Also there’s lot of self-killing in this show (for example, the first time the Death Wath is presented), and recklessly putting one’s life on threat for the greater good (in like, every fucking episode?). This is definetely NOT a kid’s show. There is a lot of death, drama and blood here.

****

Ok this was long and I’m sure I’m forgetting stuff.

I think this adds a lot of depth to The Twin Suns. If I’m right and Kenobi knew about his plan, no wonder Maul would feel betrayed. I hope we get more insight on this soon.

What I liked:

Maul trying to be a hero and not being so good at it, but I think it adds humanity to his character and that’s what I love.

Maul sparing Jesse’s life

Gar Saxon being so loyal

Rook Kast speaking. Anything Rook does is fine to me.

Maul being emotional and frustrated. Again, I think this adds to his character. I confess this is what I wanted to see.

What I didn’t like:

Maul betraying Saxon, in spite of him saying “die well, Mandalorian”, like acknowledging his creed and his way.

Almec being killed. Not good.

Bo Katan. Man I hate her. I hate her so much.

I’m still not happy about how the Republic army is in Mandalore illegally and nobody complained about it. Guys, that’s plain imperialism, colonialism and fascism. You can call it the way you want, but you can’t deny the truth.

Man I can’t wait for next episode. If my theory is true I’ll fucking die. I’LL FUCKING YELL AND YOU GUYS WILL HEAR ME.

Thaks for reading. I hope you understand these are my personal thoughts and opinions and I’m not willing to receive hate mail like I did with my thoughts on last episode, so if you just don’t like what I write feel free to unfollow and block me.

#tcw s7 spoilers #spoilers #Maul #ahsoka #phantom apprentice #my thoughts #I'm still struggling with all this #Seeing Maul so affected really fucked me up #I'm watching this again and I'll probably add more thoughts to this #Thank you for listening

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lihikainanea · 5 years ago

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You've done a couple of asks about Tiger being insecure with her mind and body but what about Bill? What if Bill got so into his head that he thought Tiger was going to leave him and/or that she didn't want him anymore. -💜

Anonymous said: That drabble about Tiger getting insecure about her stretch marks, when Bill thinks that she might have changed her mind about them - you almost killed me. Could you make some angst about this? Like, Bill getting into his head, feeling insecure about his place in her life, also feeling dumb because he knows she loves him, but he can help it

You know what I love about you guys? I love how sometimes I am so black or white--like, thinking tiger is the only one who can be insecure about her body because it’s Bill and have you seen Bill what the fuck would Bill have to be insecure about? But then here you guys come with your 10,000 shades of grey that you throw at me and I go...oh. Oh. Because you bring things to my attention that my simple little brain never thought of.

Let’s be all extra here and say that you know what? Bill starts to feel a little unworthy, starts to doubt himself, whenever he feels like he let tiger down in his role in their relationship...like say, that awful time that he pushed her too far and she said her safe word. Or how about the time when she was really far gone, and he actually scared her? (also, le babie anon--I haven’t seen you in awhile. Are you okay? Where ya at?) The Tumblr search function is trash and the second part of that drabble isn’t coming up, but here let me just throw this one at you too--some insights into his occasional dom drop(s).

Because here’s the thing, right? Bill still can’t believe just half the shit that tiger lets him do to her. The amount of trust in him, just the way she is this big badass but she will let him spank her and reduce her to a blubbering mess of begging and pleading submissiveness....Bill is beside himself every time. He just can’t believe that she lets him--nay, begs him--to do that to her. But he also feels this incredible responsibility, feels the weight of that trust and knows the magnitude of it, and it’s something he takes very, very seriously.

So when he screws up sometimes--which is normal, because this dynamic is not without its hiccups--he gets really, really hard on himself. Because a tiny screw up for him is fine, but that tiny screw up could have devastating impacts on tiger and he doesn’t ever want that. And when he does screw up, he starts to think that maybe...maybe tiger should be with someone who can fulfill her needs more. Someone who knows more about this sort of thing. Somebody who won’t make nearly as many mistakes as he’s made. Somebody who will only ever make her feel incredible, without the horrendous drops of his fuck ups.

Because at the end of the day, he loves her. She means the world to him, and he wants nothing other than for her to be in the best hands--whether or not they’re his own. He wants what’s best for her--he just doesn’t always think he’s, you know, it.

She deserves someone who is around more. Someone who doesn’t have a spotlight on them, so that she can fade into the wallpaper like she’d much prefer to do. She deserves someone she can be affectionate with in public, without any associated risk or attention. Someone that maybe she can be small with all the time, if that’s what she wants. Bill internalizes just...all of this. And he beats himself up over it--and it’s totally ridiculous, because all tiger ever wants is just...him. He’s the only person who has ever made her feel safe, and because she feels so safe with him, she’s able to be her true self in their dynamic. She’s able to show a vulnerable side to herself that she never shows anyone, she’s able to be needy and whiney and to beg shamelessly for what she wants because she knows that she’s safe and that he’ll give it to her. She’s able to get fussy, to show her discomfort to him, and to trust wholeheartedly in the fact that if she does, he will make it disappear. He’ll make it go away, for her.

And I’ll bet, too--if we want an added layer of angst--I’ll bet Bill is indeed a little self-conscious about the way he looks. Because he’s just....like, he’s tall as fuck you know? And yes I think he’s very handsome, and yes most of us in this fandom do, but there is no denying that he’s freaky looking. In fact, the very first time I saw a picture of him I almost...recoiled. And I know that sounds harsh but his facial features are just incredibly striking, and VERY unusual when you first see them. I’ll bet he’s a little self-conscious about his big wonky eyes. About his height. About his clumsy, oaf-ness. Maybe every once in awhile those huge hands of his are such a nuisance--if he’s trying oh so carefully to clasp one of tiger’s necklaces for her, and he accidentally breaks it. He can’t do up buttons on her dress, because his huge ass fingers just can’t wrap around something that small and manoeuvre it. His extremities are always cold because there’s just not enough blood pumping through his gigantic body to keep him both alive and keep him warm. He speaks English fine but when he’s tired his accent comes back, and it is that stereotypical musical Swedish one that people love to make fun of. He’s too skinny. Sometimes if his clothes are too loose it makes him look straight up gaunt. Winter is hard, and he gets so pale that he looks like a fucking vampire. He can get really, really caught up in his head with these things and every now and then when he meets a new colleague or new friend of tiger’s and the person inevitably goes “holy shit you’re tall” or “holy shit your eyeballs” then it all just comes bubbling to the surface.

And for tiger’s part, if you were to ask her? All those things he hates are the exact things that get her so fucking wet for him, every time. Watching those huge, gentle hands try to manipulate something they are clearly too big for? Wet. Hearing him whack his head on a doorframe and cuss loudly? Wet. That little Swedish lilt and the way he forgets some English words when he’s exhausted? Wet. Those big eyes, and how they widen and just watch her every move sometimes? Wettttttttttt.

But I want to go back to the first point here, because god I’m just so weak for it. Bill being the only thing that tiger has ever needed, being so good to her, but also just berating himself when he fucks up. Berating himself to the point where he really does convince himself that he's just....he’s not good for her. She deserves more. Deserves better. And Bill sitting there quietly in bed, his arm wrapped loosely around her, spinning himself into a horrendous place in thinking that she just...she deserves more.

Does he leave? MY SOFF GIANT. I’ll bet he leaves. Runs off to his family’s lake house for a few days. And you know what? GOD IT’S A FUCKING MESS. Because maybe something in their dynamic went wrong--he scared her or something happened--and tiger needs him. She needs him, his safety, his comfort. And Bill thinking he needs to get away because all he ever does is hurt her or scare her, and she deserves more than that--so he leaves. And tiger is in shambles, and so is he, and IT’S JUST A FUCKING MESS AHHHHHHH.

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halstudandruz · 6 years ago

Text

Just Another Ex

*Not my gif*

Pairing: Adam Ruzek x Reader

Requested: Yes

Prompt: “You don’t want a partner, you want someone you can boss around and control, and that’s not me.”

Warnings: Swearing, gets kinda sexual?¿ 18+

I was fairly new in intelligence still. I had just been transferred over from a drug unit. I expected that I would have to prove my stay and loyalty which I completely understood, but I didn’t realize how long it would take some people to warm up. In particular my partner Adam. I was attracted to Adam when I first met him, but my attitude towards him changed quickly. It had been over 4 months and Adam was still on my ass daily. We butted heads a lot. Not because we had different opinions, but just because he liked having control. Part of me wondered if it was because I was a girl. He didn’t seem to have a problem with Kim or Hailey, but then again I had heard he had more than just co-worker relationships with them. Regardless it was making my job harder than it had to be in some situations. I understood he had seniority over me, and obviously I respected that, but he just pushed me to the edge sometimes. He constantly acted like he could control me and how I went about things, and it was getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut. Today we were focused on a case that dealt with a few overdoses thanks to a certain gang, a gang in which I had a lot of insight towards thanks to run ins from my former unit. Every time I had tried to give a run down of what I knew Adam seemed to jump in which was quite honestly getting on my last nerve.

“Trey McGreggor, leader of the East Side Pullers. He runs downtown Chicago between 7th and Frank St.” I informed everyone as they sat around listening.

“How do you know this?” Adam asked leaning against his desk.

“Had a few run ins with him in my last unit he-“ I began to explain before he cut me off.

“Obviously didn’t do much if he’s still out in the streets causing more overdoses.” Adam said as though he was being sarcastic before Voight scolded him. After we had finished going over what we had Voight sent Adam and I to surveillance the area Trey had been operating in. Still in annoyance from his earlier comment I had not spoken a word to him the entire ride there. “You know I was joking right?” Adam asked looking through the binoculars. I shrugged watching out the window. “Come on [Y/L/N], that’s what partners do.” He bumped me.

“No Ruzek. You know what I think? I think you don’t want me as a partner. I think you want someone you can boss around and control, and that’s not me. Just because I’m a female does not mean you can boss me around and treat me like crap.” I spit out harshly not looking at him. When I did glance at him his eyes were wide with shock.

“Hey [Y/N] come on. You know that’s not true.” He whispered sincerely.

“No I don’t know that or else I wouldn’t be thinking it.” I shrugged looking over at him.

“Well it’s not true at all. I’m sorry if I really have done something to make you think that.” He said.

“You really think the way you’ve been acting towards me lately is okay?” I asked letting out a laugh.

“No. I know it’s not, and I’m sorry. I just figured it’d be easier that way.” He explained.

“Easier what way?” I asked.

“Nothing, just forget it. I’m sorry okay?” He sighed.

“No tell me what you’re talking about.” I stated.

“No just forget it.” He basically begged.

“Ruzek stop your shit and just tell me the truth. Why do you hate me? Atleast then I can try to fix it.” I partically yelled.

“You want the truth? The truth is I’m attracted to you [Y/N]. I have been since your first day, but I just cannot have another ex in the unit. I refuse to do it. Okay?” He sighed running a hand through his hair.

“So your plan was to make me hate you instead?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well no I didn’t want you to hate me I just.. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He blushed slightly.

“Who says I would want you anyway.” I asked giving him attitude.

“I... I just... I don’t...” Adam fumbled for words blushing harder now making me laugh.

“Alright I will admit I found you attractive too, but your dick attitude completely turned me off.” I shrugged.

“I promise I’m really not a dick. Most of the time anyway.” He chuckled.

“You’ll have to prove that to me.” I bit my lip looking away from him. “What makes you think it would lead to me being another ex? Do you really have that bad of commitment issues?” I asked curious at how it all went down.

“I don’t know.. I wouldn’t say commitment issues it just all got really complicated. I’ve always looked at you differently than all the others. You made me feel something different when you came in and I got to know you and that scared me even more I guess. I had just met you for goodness sakes and I already wanted to make you... feel things. In ways you’ve never thought you could feel. I still do....” Adam admitted making my heart race and throat go dry. I had not expected this conversation to lead here in the slightest.

“Adam I...” I croaked out, but was at a loss for words. I was so torn. 20 minutes ago I wanted to rip his head off for being the biggest dick I’ve ever met, and now I wanted to jump his bones right in this car in the middle of the work day. I could feel the heat on my face, not to mention the heat between my thighs.

“You don’t have to say anything. I get that you didn’t see that coming or feel the same way. I’ve just been holding that back and needed to get it out.” He chuckled before continuing, “I really am sorry for how I’ve treated you. You are one badass cop and should be recognized for that.” He smiled sincerely at me. I smiled back before getting a terrible idea well terrible for Adam anyway. He had put me through the ringer the past few months so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do so back for the next couple hours. I very gently slid my hand over to his thigh making him send me a confused look. I smirked leaning into his ear.

“You have no idea the things I would do right now just to hear you moan my name..” I whispered slowly as I rubbed up and down his thigh and very gently ran my fingers over his crotch. I heard his breath hitch and could see him swallow visibly hard. “If we weren’t in this car right now I promise I would be down-“ I continued but stopped as I seen Trey walk up the sidewalk. “Oh look there he is!” I exclaimed leaning back over to my seat and picking up the camera as though nothing had happened. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he tried to adjust himself immediately smirking as I heard a whimper escape his mouth, which did things to me as well if we’re being honest. Adam and I didn’t talk much on the way back to the unit. We had turned the camera over to Voight and had worked on the case more at the district before we were told to go home and rest up for tomorrow. I had just finished changing and shut my locker whenever I saw someone come around the corner making me jump. Once I realized it was Adam I relaxed. “You scared the shit out of me you jackass. I thought you were trying to prove you’re not a dick.” I chuckled going to grab my bag, but he grabbed my waist pushing me up against the lockers before I could.

“You think that was funny? I’ve been in pain all day..” Adam raised an eyebrow pressing his body up against mine. I kept my composure ignoring the heat rising on my face.

“Yes I do actually.” I smirked at him. He bit his lip looking me up and down before he slowly lowered his head and slid his lips over my neck. I couldn’t help the whine that escaped my lips and I could feel his smirk against my skin. “Adam what if someone comes in.” I whispered continuing to enjoy everything he was doing.

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” He whispered into my ear before nipping at it making my knees go a little weak and goosebumps to rise on my skin causing him to tighten his grip on my waist.

“Believe me I don’t want you to stop, but I would rather do this somewhere where I don’t have to worry about being interrupted.” I explained digging my nails into his biceps. He leaned back looking at me.

“Are you sure you want this?” He asked even though he seemed to be fighting himself.

“As long as you promise to stop being a dick I do. What about you?” I asked him. He looked conflicted before he gave in nodding.

“As long as you promise not to end up as just another one of my exs I do.” He smiled sincerely.

#chicago pd imagine #chicago pd x reader #adam ruzek #chicago pd #adamruzekxreader #adam ruzek imagine #adam ruzekxreader #adam ruzek x reader

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hiddensteel · 6 years ago

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different anon but i’ve never read the books and i was genuinely wondering what tyrion did in the books since i don’t know? (that is, if you’re okay talking about it because i can’t seem to find it anywhere).

no worries dear! i’m okay with talking about it. their relationship is vastly different in the books and i hate how they changed it for the show. it really eliminated sansa’s rightful anger and mistrust of t.yrion and instead made her all friendly and appreciative of him just so he looks like this Great Guy even though he’s not.

i put it under the read more since it’s kinda long. also just a warning, there will be mentions of attempted assault and this won’t be t.yrion friendly at all.

so the biggest thing that is different in the books is that t.yrion doesn’t stop sansa from completely undressing on their wedding night and is actually all prepared to r*pe her. he makes her lay in bed and climbs on top of her. he even says that he wants her despite acknowledging that she’s a child. during all this sansa is clearly terrified out of her mind and trying to cover herself, which t.yrion doesn’t let her do: “she started to pull pull up a blanket to cover herself when she heard him say, ‘no’.” (ASOS Chapter 28).

he also tries to make himself feel better by trying to talk sansa in to being okay with consummating their marriage. he tells her that he can be kind, general, "good to her” (ASOS Chapter 28). he’s not doing this to make sansa more comfortable. if he was he’d be, you know, a little more concerned about her feeling comfortable in general and wouldn’t have made her undress in the first place. also if he really cared about her comfort, he’d stop right there but instead he insists that they have to “do [their] duty” (ASOS Chapter) and climbs onto the bed. like sansa is a.) A CHILD and b.) scared out of her mind and not hiding it. t.yrion DOESN’T CARE. at this point he has every intention of still consummating the marriage regardless of how sansa feels.

now in the end he doesn’t but its not because he’s this Good Guy. he doesn’t because sansa insults his ego by not being happy that she’s married to him. sansa is panicking so much and won’t look at t.yrion and that, her refusal to “accept” him as her husband is why he stops.

ALSO !!! this is NOT a reason to give t.yrion a gold star !!! you do not get praised for not assaulting a child !!! STOP PRAISING T.YRION FOR NOT ASSAULTING SANSA IN BOTH THE BOOKS AND THE SHOW

also he gets insulted when sansa says that she may never want to sleep with him - “his mouth jerked as if she had slapped him” (ASOS Chapter 28) - despite the fact that his family has done nothing but ABUSE her and MURDER her family. like wow t.yrion so tragic that your child bride doesn’t like you because your family murdered hers and abused her.

the books also give us more insight on how t.yrion really felt about sansa during their marriage and the short version of it is, he was a total jerk. for one he keeps saying that he “wants her” (ASOS Chapter 32) despite the fact that he also keeps referring to sansa as a child. like… that’s Gross. it’s so extremely gross. there’s absolutely no justification for it.

sansa is EXTREMELY closed off to t.yrion to the books. there interactions are extremely stilted ebcause she doesn’t like or trust him so she’s constantly armored in her courtesy and speaking solely through them (see their interaction in the beginning of Chapter 53 and throughout Chapter 59). this is completely understandable. this is how she SURVIVES. she also expresses clear mistrust of t.yrion by worrying that he’s trying to use a “Lannister trap to make [her] speak treason” (ASOS Chapter 59) and constantly wishes he’d “leave [her] be” (ASOS Chapter 59). she rightfully doesn’t trust him. she thinks he’s kinder than most lannisters but still a lannister. so there’s no way she’s going to lower her guard and be friendly as the show depicts her as. you’d think any decent person would understand this and not fault for it, right? yeah well t.yrion sure doesn’t! because none of this is about sansa. what she feels or needs to do to survive doesn’t matter. all that matters is how it makes t.yrion feel!

he’s upset that “when hewas with her, never for an instant could he forget who he was, or what he was” (ASOS Chapter 58) because sansa isn’t being open and loving toward him, which reminds him that he isn’t “desirable” because he’s a dwarf - important to note, this chapter happens after sansa learns about the red wedding and t.yrion is even also upset that “even her tears she hoards to herself” (ASOS Chapter 58) like so sorry that sansa doesn’t want to confide in a member of the family who killed the last of hers. him being frustrated with her courtesies never ends, and he always turns it back to himself. it’s always about how her being closed off makes him feel. news flash t.yrion, not everything is about you!

the worst of this happens in chapter 60. it is in this chapter that we see that t.yrion is actually MAD at sansa for being guarded and cold toward him. that’s right mad. at a thirteen year old because she doesn’t like him. because she isn’t kind as he wants her to be. because she refused to kneel at their wedding to make things easier for him - totally ignoring the fact that sansa was forced to marry him. He thinks, “You [Sansa] might have knelt, damn you. Would it have been so bloodyhard to bend those stiff Stark knees of yours and let me keep a little dignity?” (ASOS Chapter 60). wow, what an awesome guy t.yrion lannister is. he doesn’t care at all how sansa felt having a forced marriage to her enemy sprung on her. oh no, all that matters is his dignity and his feelings. god forbid sansa have any feelings of her own that upset his fragile ego.

( sansa also doesn’t help t.yrion when he’s being embarrased by joff at the wedding because she. doesn’t. owe. him. any. kindness. )

t.yrion also mocks her use of courtesy. in ASOS chapter 58, she says that his “new doublet is very handsome” and he replies “the doublet is handsome, yes”, showing frusteration that sansa doesn’t think he’s handsome. once again t.yrion not everything is about you! yes, sansa isn’t attracted to you or think you’re handsome (fyi she’s allowed to have her preferences!) but that’s not why she hates you!

it’s important to note that throughout all this t.yrion is perfectly aware why sansa is like this. he constantly thinks about how his family murdered her. he just doesn’t care. his feelings are more important….

also after sansa flees king’s landing and t.yrion is accused of murder, he actually believes she killed joff and he’s MAD at her for….. not staying true to her wedding vows. “one flesh, one heart, one soul. his mouth twisted. she wasted no time proving how much those vows meant to her, did she?” (ASOS Chapter 66). like dude. what part of FORCED MARRIAGE do you not get? she didn’t want to marry you. she was forced to say those vows. she was a captive in king’s landing. of course she’s going to flee. but for the millionth time, all t.yrion cares about is how he feels. he cares about nothing else - especially not sansa’s situation or feelings.

basically, t.yrion in the books is gross, abusive, and a total jerk to sansa. he shows no care for her feelings and blames her for not accepting him. he’s not a good guy or a good husband, and the fact that people try and act like sansa owes him kindness or anything else infuriates me so much. their relationship in the show does such a disservice to sansa’s character solely to build up t.yrion’s. it’s awful. because t.yrion treated her like shit. he ABUSED her. end of story.

#[ this is me coming for t.yrion w/ book quotes and no regrets #and i thiiink this is everything but i might have forgotten #bc t.yrion is Gross and does so many shitty things in the books :/ ]#anti tyrion /#[ also i got progressively more done w/ t.yrion as i wrote this and it shows ]#⊰ ♔ anonymous ⊱

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thestudyfeels · 7 years ago

Photo

Now, before you throw your outdated iPhone 4 in the trash and dip, all I ask for is a chance. Tada! That’s it! A chance is all I need to prove that math can truly be fascinating (did reading that make you puke just a little?)

Frankly, I’m not very good at intros. But I am good at math, so let’s jump right in, shall we?

The logic behind the dislike of math is actually ridiculous. It’s a myth. A bigger one than Medusa. Well, at least she had an excuse - those cringey snake hair (tbh, I'm more turned off than scared by them).

And usually, more often than not, this myth has been passed down through our grown-ups, be it parents, a sibling, or some random guy eating burnt popcorn (the guy version of me) at school, because of which they are even the more accepted.

“Math is boring.” “What’s dx, dy anyway? Since when does the alphabet mix in with numbers? They smashed?” Here. Pause and take a moment to think about why you hate math. And also what kind of people you're hanging out with.

Your answer might be something like “because I don’t understand it”. But that’s not the ONLY reason. It’s more of something, say, you never made the effort to understand it. And why was that? Because, heck! Our seniors told us math was going to suck before we even began doing it. They have to be right, RIGHT?

The hate has been coming down since generations. Do you realize now who is to blame? Not math. It’s Adam. He got stuck at 3+3 and started all this drama. Geez, Adam.

In order to truly enjoy doing math, learn to respect + love it. Or, at least have sympathy for it (math has suffered enough, mate. He deserves to get laid too).

All the love, respect, and eye-roll provoking stuff automatically comes when you break a false belief, create a new one in its place, and take hell-bent-for-glory kind of action. This, in fact, is one of the most popular ways in the self-help department of bringing out your inner conqueror (see book recs: here) but we’re going to use it for math. Yay!

To not freak you out, let’s break it into three itsy-bitsy steps. Three steps to loving math, I got you homie. (Also, welcome to the clickbait life, we killin’ it out here.)

STEP ONE: BREAK YOUR LAME-ASS BELIEFS ALREADY, EMILY.

Here’s stepping into psychology 101. The subconscious mind, which began interacting since the moment you were born, picks up beliefs that may or may not be true. It isn’t the judge (perhaps the reason why we are effed up). Your conscious mind, the real judge, only becomes fully mature when you hit puberty and become a desperate hoe. But unfortunately, it’s late to the party. By that time, your subconscious mind is already the prom queen.

Cutting this short, the beliefs that the subconscious mind gathers, they become our truths. Even when they really aren’t. It’s sad but true.

For instance, if you saw your father struggling with accounts or your sis forgetting what tables were, then your subconscious mind might have assumed: ‘math is difficult’, ‘math needs memorizing’, ‘math leads to crying and pain’, ‘eff math’.

Taking action:

Here’s how to get rid of these false beliefs. Journal subconsciously. This means without a stop, without cuts or edits, in a flow. Next, take up each belief and understand that it was just there for providing comfort and safety (yes, we only hold onto beliefs if they give us something in return. Saying math was difficult probably gave Em an excuse not to take action. It generated sympathy and the teacher might’ve offered his free time for extra coaching).

Then, thank those false beliefs (DO NOT turn this into a self-loathing assignment) for providing that comfort and do that “shoo” motion with your hand. It’s time they ran along. Sounds absurd and simple right? It is that simple. Once you make the decision to let go of your old, fake beliefs, they really do leave you for good. Try it out.

STEP TWO: WELCOME THE NEW-NEW, SHINY BELIEFS.

Next up, we go belief shopping. I assume that if you’re reading this, your conscious mind has already come into play. If not… well, hello there kiddo! The shopping cart is not a go-kart, so please stop swinging it around, and yes, Santa is real, you get to keep that belief, but all the other ‘truths’ mommy spoon-fed you? They may or may not be. Finding out is your homework for today (welcome to my class. I teach life, sons).

Taking action:

In this step, you take up each notion and mould it into something newer, truthier (yes this is an actual word even if it sounds like Greek), and shinier. Say, for example, Emily got sick of flunking math and decided to take action (thank you for doing that, Emily. Honestly). Here’s what her journalling would look like:

“I feel dumb while doing math. It’s too difficult for me.”

This becomes: “I’ve been holding a grudge against math since childhood which blind sighted me. This time I'll give it a chance.”

“Math involves difficult calculations, which is way out of my league. For me, getting that Cali guy's number would be easier than pulling up my math grade.”

This becomes: “Through action, and not screwing around, any shit is possible. A math grade is nothing.” Also, I heard, that guy, Liam? He’s gay. Might as well go on a date with math.

This practice does sound a bit silly, but trust me, the more willing you are, the more easily will you be able to conquer math. #SaveMath.

STEP THREE: TAKE HELL-BENT-FOR-GLORY ACTION

Now that the belief breaking and making part is over, here’s the most important one. To do the goddamn math. *Drumroll*

See, nothing comes without the good ol’ hard work. That’s a fact. In the words of Lilly Singh (who is a total queen and an appreciator of cute puppies and good memes) - “The universe respects your changing of fake values for better ones. However, it respects a good hustle even more.” To get better at math, it’s important to actually do it.

Who’s excited?! *crickets chirping*

Ahem, ok. Here are my tips to get better at it:

Practice.

Math doesn’t even require making notes. Instead, it requires continuous practice. Set aside time to do, say, 10 sums every day, and build up on that. Turn it into a habit so it becomes second nature.

Understanding which way works better.

The fun part about math is that a single sum can be done in ten different ways. 2+2 can be either done by adding two choco chip cookies with two more, or you can just multiply 2 with 2 [ as 2(1+1) = 2(2) = 4 ]. Obviously, the latter works better when you have huge numbers because I know you’re broke and can’t afford cookies (same) and are way too old to go hunting for the cookie jar in your mom's kitchen. Plot twist though, this understanding, again, only comes from practice. So get down to it already.

Increase your speed but don’t compromise on accuracy.

It’s exactly what the title says. What fun is it if mom takes up the entire day to count out the cookies? And then ends up giving you one less cookie than you wanted? It’s the same with doing math. This again comes from practice so…*evil laugh*

Other quick tips (because I like tiny bullet points):

Don’t use calculators. Stop depending on it and use your mind for once (assuming it isn’t already filled with cat memes).

Get yo’self a timer. Compete with time. If you’re a highly competitive person like me, this will motivate you to work harder and get better.

Every time you see two 2 digit numbers at the same place, (say a car’s no. plate: 2312) add, multiply, and subtract the numbers IN YOUR HEAD. This will improve your basic calculation speed. So 23+12= 35. 23-12=11. 23*12=276. [ as 23(10+2)= 230+46 ].

You can find other tips about math by scrolling through my math tag: (x) (x)

Practice. There’s really no way around that.

Here are some related masterposts if you want to read more:

Conquering biology by yours truly

The math masterpost by @acadehmic

Math resources and links by @ashleigh-studies

Want instant motivation? Here’s my #ThursdayPickup!

Well, it’s a wrap! I post new articles every week (the schedule’s here) so you can follow me if you are into killing the game & conquering life. I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life. ✨

If you want to go thru my blog, I would rec picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cosy afternoon while chilling under blankets, I would rec reading one of my interviews. Feeling spoilt for choices? Here’s another! If you want to implement the ideas I share in my masterposts by taking action, take on one of my challenges! + you can also request a blog post! For that, leave your question in my ask box.

I hope you are well, stay strong and conquer life, you conqueror.

- Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

#unicorn studying #*academics #math #maths #how to get better at math #studyblr #moonshinestudies #artemistudying #athenastudying #cielstudies #studyquill #studyblrmasterposts #ahsteria #elrood #uglystudies #natastudies #eveincollege #obsidianstudy #<3

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ijustwant2write · 7 years ago

Text

Workplace Drama-Brock Rumlow x Reader One Shot

(GIF credit to owner)

Masterlist

Summary: requested by anonymous: ‘Hello! Thank you for writing Brock Rumlow imagine. They are not many and when i find them they are My favourite thing ❤❤❤ I wondered If you can write one with Brock, they are colleagues and argue about everything but they are secretly in love or Brock is really jealous of Captain America getting your attention. Thank you!!!’

Characters: Brock Rumlow x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)= Your name (Y/L/N)= Your last name (Y/F/N)= Your friend’s name

Warnings: Swearing, arguing

A/N: I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LATE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sweat was rolling down my face as I ran on the treadmill, pushing myself to do more. Training wasn’t a fun task but I had to keep up with my fitness, what with being a S.H.I.E.L.D agent. It wasn’t busy in the gym, only a few other people besides me. Everyone was keeping to themselves as usual, all except one.

“You’re lacking a little today (Y/L/N).” Brock commented as he climbed on the treadmill next to me.

“Keeping tabs on me now Rumlow?” I snapped back.

“Someone has to. You’re getting older remember.”

“Not as old as you.”

He started running, matching my pace.“How do you know how old I am?”

“I don’t. But your face gives it away.”

Brock and I never got along. Ever since I joined the STRIKE team, problems had always occurred between us. He was the team leader but I never agreed with his decisions, causing a lot of arguments. I wasn’t going to back down from him, others may be scared of him but I wasn’t.

“You’re crossing a line agent.” He said, increasing his speed past mine.

“You say that every week.”

“And I mean it.”

I started to slow down before coming to a stop. I couldn’t concentrate with him around.

Brock called out to me over his shoulder.“Don’t forget, mission briefing tomorrow morning, seven am sharp.”

Without saying anything back, I made my way to the changing rooms, desperate to get home. It was obvious what was going to happen tomorrow morning during the briefing. The last mission wasn’t so great, I went against Brock’s orders again, but ended up making the task much easier as well as quicker.

“Oh, you’re angry. Let me guess, was it because of a certain STRIKE team leader?” (Y/F/N) noticed as I climbed into her car.

“Urgh, who else annoys me this much?” I groaned as we started to drive home.

“You know, he wouldn’t get so pissed about your attitude to work if it wasn’t for that stupid party.”

“We said we would never speak of that again.”

“Well, rules are supposed to be broken according to you.”

I said nothing.

“(Y/N), that can’t come between you and your line of work. He seems to have forgotten about it, why can’t you?”

They didn’t understand, it was too embarrassing for me to come back from. Before I was put on the STRIKE team, I had actually met Brock at one of Tony Stark’s parties, I only got invited because my friend got us in. I knew who he was, though I wasn’t sure if it was the same for him, instantly feeling weak at the knees. Who could resist him? A gorgeous, alpha male man that could easily sweep you off your feet, literally. Throughout the night we had flirted, it was just a bit of fun really. But when I was put on his team the following week, he completely changed. I wasn’t expecting the Brock I saw at the party, however he was awful to me; no one else was treated this way, so why was I? When I confronted him about it (in the most polite way possible) he spat it right back in my face, suspending me from duty for the rest of the week. “Just get me home.”

Walking towards one of the elevators, I yawned quietly, hating that I had to come in for this one meeting. It was all going to come crashing down on me. The doors opened and as I stepped in, someone followed closely by. Looking up, I huffed as I saw Brock. I had to push back the thoughts of how good he looked out of his usual uniform and in normal clothes. Nothing was exchanged between us, not even a glance. A few other members of our team joined, though that did nothing to break the awkward tension. As we all filed out, Jack Rollins pulled me back, looking frustrated himself.

“This shit has gone on for far too long. It needs to stop if we’re going to keep on working as a team.” He hissed.

“You should talk to our so called team leader. He’s the ones causing problems.”

Not wanting to discuss it further, I pushed past him into the conference room, sitting furthest away from the leader. Captain America would be in the room too, he had yet to comment on the matter. As everyone started to take their seats, he leaned over to me.

“Agent (Y/L/N), I just want you to know that I agree with you on this one. You did the right thing.” he whispered.

I smiled.“Thank you Captain. It feels nice to be appreciated for once.” I made my last sentence a little louder.

Brock glanced over at me, slamming his folder down on the table.

Steve could tell who I was angry at.“He doesn’t realise a great agent when he sees one.”

“Now you’re just flattering me.”

The meeting started, Brock obviously leading it. I felt his eyes piercing into me even when I wasn’t looking at him. Not everyone agrees with how he treated me, not able to speak up for the fear of losing their position on the team. As he went through the mission, any faults that happened were directed at me. Yes, I had gone against training and protocol but I saved our lives. Not many people had thanked me for that. Whenever I was brought up, his tone would be mocking, asking me stupid questions that I already knew the answer to.

“You’re suspended from the next mission.” He finished after ten minutes of ranting.

“Yes sir.” I tried not to sound disrespectful.

“Rumlow, I don’t think that’s fair.” Captain Rogers spoke up.

I looked to him in surprise, as did everyone else.

“Why is that Captain?”

“I understand that Agent (Y/L/N) made some mistakes, there will be consequences for that. However, she is needed on this team, especially for the next mission, we need her insight.”

“I can’t, she may jeapordise it.”

“She might. But how will we know?” This was not like Rogers. He followed the rule book, he was the golden boy. Perhaps he really did believe in me. Everyone looked back to Brock who seems undecided now.

He quietly sighed.“Fine. Extra training every night this week.”

I smiled at Rogers before answering.“Yes sir.”

When the meeting finally came to a close, I didn’t follow my team mates, instead looking for the super soldier. Having to break out into a small jog, I caught up with his long strides.

“Captain Rogers?” I called out.

He turned around.“Yes, (Y/L/N)?”

“Thank you for what you did back there. You really didn’t have to stick up for me but it is very much appreciated.”

“I couldn’t let him do that to you. Just know that I won’t be so persuaded in the future. Rules are out in place for a reason.”

I nodded.“Of course. Thank you again.” With another smile from him, he walked away from me. The captain was such a sweetheart, he derserved the best. That personality with that body and face? God had been very generous with him. My happy hour had comet to an abrupt end as Brock grabbed my shoulder, harshly spinning me round to face him.

I pushed him away.“Hey-”

“Shut up.” He snapped, holding onto me again as he shoved me into an empty conference room.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I prepared for the worst.“If you’re just going to shout at me-”

He interrupted again.“What the hell was that about?”

“Someone actually understood that my actions are beneficial to the team.”

“Not that. You two seem close.” he mimicked my stance.

“Close? We work together and not a lot either. I would say he was just a colleague to me.”

“That’s what you’re calling it now? You sure nothing is going on?”

“No. And if it did, why would I tell you?”

“Just don’t go after him. Pretty sure a lot girls get their heart broken over that.”

I shook my head in confusion.“Sir, why are you suddenly interested? What difference would it make?”

“You just can’t be with him.”

“Brock, please start making sense.”.

“You’re so frustrating!” he suddenly raised his voice, his hands coming down as fists.

I didn’t retort.

“You don’t even know you’re doing it. Eveyday it’s the same torture. There’s no way we could be a thing so you constantly get me heated up to release some of that tension.”

My mouth was open in shock.“Excuse me?”

“Ever since Stark’s party, you’ve been playing on my mind and I’m getting sick of it.”

“I have?”

“Yeah! But I see you with the captain and know you deserve someone like that over me.” He hadn’t noticed me now standing in front of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“Because we’re trained not to show this side of us.”

“So? You know me. Who cares about rules?”

“You wouldn’t want me. Not after getting to know me.”

“How do you know until you try?”

His eyes narrowed.“What if it all goes wrong? If I treat you like dirt?”

“Brock, I’ve seen your other side remember? Just give me the carefree, flirty, full of himself in a good way Brock. Please? We could make this work! Ever since the party it’s been so daunting to even be near you. And you were right about me making you pissed off all the time. It was the only way I’d get your attention.”

He wavered a little, eyes locked together with mine. I closed the space between our bodies, not losing eye contact. As I reached up, he suddenly pulled away.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Who fucking cares? I’ve waited too long for this.”

#Brock rumlow #brock rumlow imagine #brock rumlow imagines #brock rumlow x reader #brock rumlow one shot #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel imagines #s.h.i.e.l.d

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alwayssunnyprompts · 7 years ago

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Hi! I was thinking about how there are any fics about present day Mac and Dennis going camping together! Mac and Dennis decide to go camping just the two of them, the night is surprisingly going well, when a thunderstorm hits them. Take it away!

God it’s been awhile, but this prompt is finally filled! Thank you, @carkid-a! It was challenging to write, and I loved every second of it. Set during S8. Mac is hopelessly in love, and Dennis is Dennis, with a side of hurt/comfort. Enjoy!

“Are you sure this is agood idea?”

“Mac, shut up, okay?This is gonna be great. You know, it’s good to get away from the city–thenoise, the pollution, all the jackasses who think they’re the center of theuniverse.”

"Dennis, have you everactually been camping?”

"Listen, you eitherhave the camping spirit or you don’t. And, baby, I have it. You don’t needcamping experience to know that. It comes naturally.”

Mac absently wonders whenthe skills will show up.

They’re standing in aclearing in the middle of the woods. It’s just off the path that leads to thecampgrounds, far enough that Dennis can pretend they’re actually in the"wilderness,” but close enough that Mac is confident they can getback to civilization if something goes wrong.

Not that he thinks somethingwill go wrong.

It’s more the fact thattheir track record as far as trips go is…spotty, at best. Their attempt at aroad trip was hilarious as it was sad, and Mac was still angry over the incidentin the woods. He supposes they just weren’t built for this sort of life, butDennis seems obsessed with proving that they can do it. That he can doit. He doesn’t include Mac in the equation often, and Mac is painfully aware.He just can’t understand why Dennis pushes him away. He’s tried everything toget through to him, but he’s always ended up heartbroken. He hopes that thistime will be different. That maybe if they break their streak of shitty“vacations,” they can break their streak of shittycommunication.

He takes a step and narrowlymisses a tree branch that would have probably taken his eye out. His headclears. It’s probably all just wishful thinking. It always is. He pushes thethoughts down as best he can. His heart only sinks a little; he’s gettingbetter at this.

Dennis is walking around themakeshift perimeter of their campsite, looking quizzically at the ground, thetrees, the tent, back at the trees–it makes Mac anxious.

“Jesus, Dennis, willyou stop pacing? It’s driving me crazy.”

Dennis’s head perks up andhe pauses, placing his hands on his hips defiantly.

"I’m sorry Mac, did younot want our camp to be expertly optimized for any situation?”

Mac fights the urge to rollhis eyes so hard it’s almost painful.

"Dennis, it’s gettinglate and you haven’t even set up the tent yet.”

"Mac, baby, this shittakes time. Cool down and let the master do his work.” He smirks andresumes his unproductive pattern.

“Come on, dude, itlooks like it might rain. I’m serious.”

"Oh, Christ. If you’reso serious, why don’t you make yourself useful instead of just standing aroundfor me to wait on you hand and foot.”

Mac feels quiet angerboiling in his blood.

"Okay.”

Two hours later, Mac has setup ninety percent of their gear. The small camp stove, the fire pit, the food.The tent was a work-in-progress, mostly because Dennis insisted on doing ithimself. Mac is subtly assisting, handing him a rod here and there, making aquiet recommendation every so often. The key was to make Dennis think he wasdoing it on his own.

"Done!” He clapshis hands together like he’s just completed some magnificent work of art.

Mac narrows his eyes.

“Dennis don’t you thinkit’s a little small?"

Dennis deflates, glances atthe tent and back at Mac.

"Why do you saythat?”

“It’s just that it’snot quite as…roomy as I thought it would be.”

“I mean, sleeping inclose quarters is part of the camping experience, Mac…it’s the closeness tonature that really–ah, shit, I can’t do this. I’ve had it since we were inmiddle school. It, uh…seemed a lot bigger then."

His eyes dart back and forthand patches of red grow on his cheeks. Mac feels the situation spiraling.

"Well, you’re thecamping expert, Dennis. Besides, I’m sure it’ll work out fine. It’s supposed tobe cold anyway, you know, sharing body heat wouldn’t be so bad. In fact, itseems like your insight was pretty good.” He smiles.

He watches as Dennis slowlycollects himself. There’s a split-second smile of gratitude before he plasterson the smug look from earlier.

“Of course, it was.”

The evening passes them by,blessedly uneventful.

They eat shitty canned “camping food” that Dennisinsisted on buying—Mac wonders why they couldn’t have just bought normal food. Theyroast marshmallows and get the melted mess all over their hands. Dennis seemsdisgusted by the texture and artificial sweetness, but part of Mac enjoyswatching him lick it off his fingers.

When their eyes meet, though, he can’t helpbut smile, and illuminated by the fire, the expression on Dennis’s face looksheavenly.

Mac forgets all of his reservationsthe instant he smiles.

Sometimes he hates the holdthat Dennis has over him. Sometimes he feels trapped in a one-sidedrelationship. But in the golden glow of the fire and under the deepening nightsky, he feels whole. He could stay in this moment forever.

Dennis says something aboutheading to bed, and Mac thinks to protest. But he’s still completely enthralledwith the beauty of those few seconds, so he nods absently and lets Dennis leadhim into the tent. Their sleeping bags are touching, barely separated by thesliver of plastic tent-floor between them.

He lies down next to Dennisand closes his eyes.

An explosion of thunderjolts him awake.

He feels a swell of panic inhis chest as the regret starts to set in. This was a mistake, a huge mistake.All of their stuff is outside. He should have never let Dennis talk him intothis stupid trip, let his feelings, his longing for a weekend alone with him,blind him to how stupid the idea really was. Neither of them were prepared forthis.

The sleeping bag is cold andscratchy and the earth below them is solid and rough. He can feel theunevenness under his back and desperately tries to position himself in a waythat won’t wreak too much havoc on his spine. The discomfort leads to a wave ofsadness washing over him. He shivers, wrapping his arms around himself. How canhe feel so alone with Dennis right beside him? They’re sleeping next to eachother, like he’s always wanted (where did that come from?) yet the inch or twobetween their backs feels like miles, and he’s suddenly so lost in his headthat he starts to panic.

They’re in the middle ofnowhere. Mac is in the middle of nowhere. And he can’t escape because there’snowhere to run and he can’t withdraw because there’s nowhere to hide. He’strapped out in the open. He feels naked and suffocated and terrified. He canfeel his limbs trembling, and a tiny cry escapes his throat. Shit. He can’tcry. Not now. Not with Dennis– the thought is overwhelming. He tries to kickthe sleeping bag off but it’s too tight, he feels like he’s wrapped in clingfilm and he can’t breathe and everything is happening all at once. His visiondarkens and he realizes that he’s hyperventilating.

The rain starts poundingagainst the tent and his heart is pounding and everything is pounding and heneeds to feel grounded or he’s going to disappear. He can’t wake Dennis becausehe can’t move, he’s locked in his body, and his brain is trying so hard tobreak through but it can’t, he’s not strong enough, he can't—

“Mac?”

The voice is gentle andsleepy, slightly confused, but alert. The storm must have woken him up.

Mac feels a sickening mix ofadrenaline and relief. His head spins and he feels like he’s going to be sick.How is he going to explain this?

He still can’t move. Theonly noises he’s capable of making through the shallow breaths are tiny andpathetic. His hands grasp convulsively at the sleeping bag. He tries to openhis eyes but he’s screwed them shut.

"Mac?” He whispersagain, a little more urgently. “Hey…"

Softness colors his tone andhe lays a hesitant hand on the small of Mac’s back. He must be able to feel thetrembling now, if he could before. Mac feels pathetic, but he can’t stop.

"What is it? Thestorm?”

His hand is moving, strokingup and down his back so gently and so carefully that Mac wants to scream. Whatis it?

He’s gasping, tryingto get words to come out, but he doesn’t even know what he wants to say. Hecan’t tell the truth. He can’t. He doesn’t even know what the truth is? Is hescared of the storm? Scared of being alone? Scared of Dennis?

But he’s so far gone andit’s so dark and the storm is so loud. The rain won’t stop, each clap ofthunder sends a spike of adrenaline through his body. He tries to focus onDennis. Just Dennis and his hand and his raspy voice. The idea that Dennisknows something is wrong. Knows him. He wants to be known. He needs to be.

"Shit,” Dennismurmurs. He moves closer to Mac, lies right up against him and keeps strokinghis back.

His voice barely registers.The contact is overwhelming.

“Den,” Mac chokesout. It barely sounds like a word.

"There you are. Comeon back. You can do it,“ he coaxes. Any attitude from earlier isgone.

"I’m here. You’re here.In this tiny, shitty tent. In the middle of the woods. It’s probably 3 am. Iknow you feel terrible, but I’m here, and nothing is going to happen toyou.”

He lets himself focus on Dennis’svoice, try to climb his way out of the hole he’s fallen into.

He blinks and the worldcomes into focus. The dim glow from the night lamp in the corner of the tent,knocked over and hidden behind a blanket. The plastic of the floor, the coldair. Dennis’s warmth behind him, hands touching him protectively.

His head feels like it’sfilled with static. He dissolves into tears, gasping and gulping throughguttural cries. He can feel himself coming back, and he hurts. His muscles areaching horribly, tense and immobile, his eyes and jaw are sore from clenching,he can’t quite feel his hands yet. The sobbing tears through him, exhaustingand uncontrollable.

"The worst part isover, I promise,” Dennis sighs and gathers him in his arms.“Shh,” he rocks Mac for a couple seconds, “You’re okay.”

"Den-,” hewhispers. Why is it so hard to say his name?

“Yeah, I’m here.”

"You’re here,“ heechoes quietly.

Dennis squeezes him tightfor a second, letting his head droop against Mac’s neck as he holds him. Hisbreath is even and warm.

#its always sunny #iasip #mac mcdonald #dennis reynolds #macdennis #prompts #guys writing this about killed me #i am such a sucker for tender moments between them #apparently everything i write needs at least one instance of tears and/or comforting #what can i say these guys are a mess #but they're in love

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landoftheoutsiders · 7 years ago

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Day 3: Therapy Sessions

Wow. Guys. We have made it three whole days. I’m proud of us. And by us, I mean me. And by made it, I mean actually keeping up with this stream of conscious thing. I’m surprised that I haven’t completely given up on this thing yet. It’s actually, dare I say--fun. Lets see how long I can keep this thing going.

Today was fairly productive. Kind of. I went to class. That’s my definition of productive. I’m trash. Today we went over the three scenes that I’m not in, and then we had one volunteer blindly pick a story to portray as a monologue. They didn’t pick my story, but it was a very interesting metaphor that the guest professor had. Basically, it was that we need to realize that every character we portray in our career as an actor is a “real” story that is being told--its up to us to make their story come to life. I thought it was really insightful, and I think remembering that will help me in my career going forward while learning new characters and memorizing their stories. As for the rest of my day, I watched a movie, took a nap, and went to my last experiential group. That shit was bittersweet. I remember going to the treatment center literally counting down the days until I was discharged. Now? I don’t know... I looked forward to the groups. It was something fairly positive that was also productive in a safe environment. I guess I have the productive part with school--with my university being in the heart of downtown, I don’t think that safe really is the best word to describe the campus. It’s more dangerous at night, but lets be honest... with all the school shootings going around in our God forsaken country, I’d be naive to believe a campus is the safest place to be. People be crazy. Enough of the sappy shit. I actually am happy that tomorrow is my last day. I can’t keep spending $200+ on groups every week because of the community. I need to find that community in a cheaper place--preferably a free place lmao. I am, however, very excited to shell out my really good friend from our shared group. I believe that Mindfulness is actually the group where I first met her. Her name on here shall be Tree. Tree knows who she is. (She follows this blog because she “likes the way I write.” Me too, Tree. Me too). Jesus fucking christ, I ramble like a mother fucker. I can’t wait to read her shell out to her. It is going to be full of inside jokes, rent quotes, and sprinkled with heartfelt nuggets of emotion. It will be a shit show, and I’m looking forward to it. There are so many new people, and they are all going to be 100% done with both of us, but Tree and I have worked far too hard to make sure we shell out on the same day. We’ve been planning on breaking out together. Therapy today was a thing. I feel more vulnerable than usual. I need a name for my therapist. I guess we can call him Pink. Our ongoing joke while he was an intern at the center was that on Wednesdays, we’d wear pink. Out of maybe a month and half of him being my individual, we only actually both wore pink on Wednesday once. Honestly, he’s the best therapist I’ve ever had. So Pink was asking me the usual questions... how my restriction had been this week, if I had weighed myself, how my meals were going... and then he hit me with, “Why are we restricting? Is it because you’re forgetting to eat, or is it defiant?” Here’s how that conversation went: Me: Its honestly about 50/50 between the two. Pink: What is the thought behind the defiant restriction? Me: I’m not sure. Pink: It has to be something... usually its that “I want to lose weight... if I restrict, I’ll be stronger... etc.” Me: *long pause and deep fucking breath* I want to lose weight. Pink: Okay, so walk me through a day with your meals. Me: Well... I mean.. I wake up around 9:45, and go to work around 10:10... I’m hungry, but lunch is only a few hours away, so its not a big deal. Pink: Rian, that is t h r e e hours. Your body will be hungry again for lunch... Me: ... I just drink coffee... it helps... Pink: *visible frustration* I KNOW. I KNOW IT HELPS.

Ohhhhh the shit I put this poor man through. He really is helpful though. We also figured out tonight that right now I’m restricting because I want to feel more comfortable in my body. Which raised the question of where do I not feel comfortable. The answer to that would be my apartment. It feels so hostile there. I still need to explain that fuckshow to you guys. I’ll make that a separate post for length’s sake... we’re already getting pretty long with this post. Anywho, long story short, Pink wants me to talk to my roommate that I have issues with. She reached out to me earlier this week, and I honestly just don’t trust her motives. I think she’s finally realizing that she did something shitty, feels bad, wants to talk it out, and only wants to do so because she feels guilty. I genuinely think she is only trying to clear her conscious. Maybe I will talk to her. Simply just to explain why I haven’t moved back into our apartment since our falling out. I feel so unwanted, and regardless of the fact that I’m not really wanted in our apartment, I still have the right to be treated like a decent human being with emotions (no matter how emotionless I try to be). I did nothing wrong--nothing major anyways. Again, I’ll explain this in a different post if you want to know about that drama. My main concern is where I am going to be living come June 1st. I’m trying not to stress out because everything will work out for the best (hopefully), but I can’t help but catastrophize the situation and come to the conclusion that my stuff will end up in a storage unit and I’ll just live out of my car until I find roommates. All of this came up when Pink asked what I planned on doing in the meantime. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I genuinely felt I’d end up homeless by summer, but its fine. Everything is fine. I guess I could always crash on my friend’s couch at the end of the day, but I really don’t want to add any stress to her and her boyfriend. With Crashy, I at least know its only him I’m bothering if I am in fact even bothering him. God, all of this is making me need a cigarette and its fucking freezing outside. Even Pink though was like, “well... you have found yourself in a pickle, haven’t you?” Why yes Pink. Yes I have. After group and therapy, I decided to go across the street to their res program to see a friend of mine. He tried to be real slick and say, “bye guys, I’m leaving and Rian is staying in my place.” The look of actual fear as if this scenario from hell was actually happening had to have been entertaining to the res staff lmao. I was talking to one of the ladies with my friend and we were talking about me leaving the day treatment center and she was like, “Oh you must be doing well with your eating disorder.” To which my response was obviously, “nope. Not even close. I’m just poor.” She had no comment for that one lol. My dark humour will hopefully take me places one day. Once I left my friend, I went to Taco Bell and had my usual three tacos with six mild sauces and watched the latest Shane Dawson video. Shane is queen. Fucking love that guy. This week he made Ryland wear a fat-suit for a day so Ryland could understand how Shane felt in his younger years when he was obese. It took a very real, dark turn very quickly--and thankfully it was after I had already eaten my tacos. Shane was mentioning how he remembered being so out of energy that he didn’t even want to move or talk the moment he sat on a couch. While I have never been obese, I have been severely underweight, and that isn’t any easier--I completely related, and then fell down a very dark rabbit hole of body image issues and how I have a love/hate relationship with my new body. I like having boobs and an great ass, but I also would do a n y t h i n g to have my old body back from my lowest weight. Not many people know that about me... they think I’m doing so great with my “recovery” and that I’m living it up in the city with my friends and modeling while trying to find freelance jobs with acting, filming, and editing. It just honestly made me want to take out the entire week’s worth of calories and just fucking starve myself until I got back into the 90s. I loved the way my body looked. The thinspo shit that I post? I looked like most of them. I miss that shit. I miss being envied for my body. I miss people asking me what I did to stay so thin (to which I always gave healthy advice). I miss being noticed the second I walked into a room--my old nurse says it was because I was scaring the hell out of everyone, but I like to think it was because they were like, “fuck... who is she.” There are so many things I miss about being that thin. Lets be honest here, it was never enough, because of course it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for this god damned eating disorder... but I want to try. I guess its a good thing I’m still being weight monitored because there is no way in hell that Pink will let me get anywhere close to where I was without having to go back to iop. Hell... if I did it quick enough, he’d probably send me over to res and I could go party it up with my friend who is in res right now. Or he can come visit me for a change lmao. Anyways, rant over. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in The Office and cookie dough. Fuck eating disorders.

-- Rian Dianna

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sensitiveeeeee · 5 years ago

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It’s odd to feel like someone else’s life is in your hands. There is a low chance of the worst happening, but the worst has happened before. The chance will never be low enough.

Judy is a tough veteran. She’s been with the agency for 15 years. I don’t know how she’s stayed after what happened. I don’t think I could. It’d give me PTSD, but maybe she’s so used to the PTSD from her time in the military that she can’t imagine her life without it. Or maybe she feels like she owes her life to this place or something, even though what happened was not her fault, of course. Or maybe she’s simply tougher and stronger than I am. She hasn’t shown a lot of emotion. But I dared to ask her what happened that night, years ago. I could see her visually recalling it.

“She had actually been acting silly that night, rolling the towels up and whipping people with them and laughing. She got so upset that we wouldn’t let her go home because of her behavior. We didn’t have a lot of backup. She ran out and got all the way to the bridge. She jumped to her death.”

I had so many questions, but we were interrupted. I cannot comprehend that, and I pray to God that I am never forced to. I don’t think I’m strong enough. So I am hyper-vigilant during crises, but I guess that’s what’s needed.

It’s been a couple hours since the last crisis I witnessed and took part in, but I can’t stop seeing the fire in this girl’s glazed-over eyes. I remained calm. This was not the worst of my battles here. Not worse than the black eye and not worse than being pinned to the ground. I feel numb to all this. People seemed surprised that I didn’t seem scared. And I truly wasn’t scared for myself this time. But my mind still won’t shut up.

I ran to the scene after hearing my radio go off. She was surrounded by therapists. I guess she’d had a tough session, and her fight/flight response was going off in her “trauma brain.” She decided to make a break for it, so I ran ahead of her, and she sped up as soon as I got in front of her and blocked the door. The alarm sounded for the first time that day.

I’ve always loathed any extra weight I’ve had, but in this moment I was more body-positive than ever, thanking God for every bountiful feast He’d ever given me. Those indulgent sins allowed me to use more weight than she had to my advantage and possibly save this girl from getting out and running into a car, or finding that damn bridge. Shit has gotten more real than I ever expected it to, but tragedy like that is when it becomes “too real” for me. That’s when I’ll have had enough, even though in some ways I’m a glutton for punishment. Not. On. My. Watch.

I pressed all of myself against that exit door, but this didn’t stop her from turning around and darting down the hall to the opposite exit. I flew past the others. I probably said something rude in my anxiety, like “come on guys.” They weren’t very used to these situations. Not the way that I was, a lowly floor staff member. They didn’t even have radios on them. They didn’t even know how to use the radios. But luckily, someone else met me at the other door and was blocking it, while others stayed put to block other exits. We danced around for a bit until she found the unlocked door to the multi-purpose-room, where she began banging on windows. The others tried all other kinds of verbal de-escalation tactics, some of which I internally cringed at, not that I really blamed them for trying. I just knew that she wasn’t in the space to listen to anything we were saying. Any rational part of her brain was off-line at this point, so she wasn’t going to process any lesson-teaching or insight-building.

At this time, all we could really do was wait until she wore herself out. At one point, she barricaded herself in a corner with chairs placed in front of her, which I was perfectly fine with. At least I knew she’d be safe that way. It appeared that she was calming down, but she was really just regaining her strength. She made her way to the door I was blocking. We struggled a lot. At this moment, the director knocked on the door. “Not now,” I said. I guess I could be ruder in moments of such stress. The girl made her way back over to the windows, and I cracked the door open. I told my boss where we were at in this. When I saw the girl eying the door again, I politely told my superior, “I’m gonna shut the door on you now.”

She came over and fought with me again. She never tried to hit me because I wasn’t trying to soothe her by touching her, as the therapist kept doing. She hit the therapist several times. The girl I knew would never hit anyone, but this wasn’t the girl I knew. In this time, that girl was gone.

This same therapist took it upon herself to “lead” us, this unlikely team of therapists, nurses, a case manager, and me. These were the people who happened to be around during the onset of the crisis, with the exception of me, who was summoned. She ordered us to open the door and escort this girl to the seclusion room. There were more team members waiting on the other side of the door, so I put my doubts aside. I really don’t have a leader personality, even though I seemed to have the most experience in that room. They probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyway, being the youngest and of a “lower” position. But I digress. We opened the door.

She made her way to the nearest exit and struggled with those who were waiting there, and I made my way to the opposite exit. But soon I saw her reflection through the glass door, running toward me before anyone could warn me. I turned around and took my blocking stance as I stood face to face with her, and the director joined me. Even though I tried my best, she was able to squeeze herself between me and the door. This door wasn’t the exit. It was a glass door in the hallway leading to the exit. Of course, in that moment, she had more leverage because the door opened out, not in. So all I could do was pull the handle with all my might as she pushed her adrenaline-filled, panicked body against it. The director told me to not hurt myself, probably fearful that something would happen to me again and I’d be angered with the agency. But again: Not. On. My. Watch.

The girl tried to pry my sweaty, slippery hands off the metal handle. I somehow managed to push the girl back and quickly let myself out, where I could push the glass door from the other side rather than have to pull. Now I had more leverage. So even though the door had no lock, no matter how many times this girl threw herself against this door, I was keeping it in place.

At this moment, Judy walked up the stairs and came behind me, looking at the scene, and I caught her gawking expression through the reflection of the glass. “Hey, Judy,” I calmly greeted without turning around as I remained leaning against the door which this girl was currently trying to break down. “Hey,” she said, and walked up to stand next to me. I think at this point the girl moved on to another place. Maybe it was this time that she shattered the window leading to the therapy offices. My colleague and I stood there watching as I remained guarding my post. We spoke without looking at one another. “She’s gone,” I said. “Oh yeah,” Judy said. “She should get tired here soon.” I really thought she would’ve already. We exchanged a few more words and Judy returned to her work with the other residents, and the CEO joined me. I think at this time, the girl ran back to where I was and made a running kick to my door, but it didn’t move. I still had the leverage. I think this was the last little battle I fought before the girl finally de-escalated at the sight of someone with higher power who could make changes to her case plan, which is what she was truly afraid for and was trying to fight/flight.

I’m not sure why this is the incident I took the time to recount. Maybe because this was long enough to be significant to me, but it was not too detailed and upsetting like other times I’ve had. I don’t know where my life is heading, but I know I won’t forget times like this, and I need to process them in some way. This helps me process so that I can do it again tomorrow if something arises. It is a very different feeling, when you feel like someone’s life could be riding on your physical strength. And my physical strength is very limited.

In my own childhood and adolescence, I had a very sheltered, privileged, simple life. Maybe my self-loathing is why I chose not to stay in that bubble. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be protected from things like this. I felt drawn to the darkness that so many of these teenagers run from. Maybe it’s because I felt that I needed a reason to be as sad as I felt when I was that age? And they have every reason to be. How fucked up is that? It makes me hate myself more.

I don’t know how to end this dramatic, angsty, possibly pretentious “essay” I’ve written. I’m exhausted. But I will wake up tomorrow and try again.

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st0pdr0pndm0sh · 8 years ago

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A little rant on what’s been going on in my life for the past few months that aren’t even anime related.

If you’re reading this, it means I finally wanted to write down my feelings on something. I have endured a lot the last few months that a few of my friends know part or half of the story and don’t know the whole thing. So, for my friends who follow me on tumblr who know very little or half and don’t know the whole story. I am going to write it all out, and hopefully this explains why I have been doing what I have been doing. I hope it provides insight as to why I am doing this, and why I keep pursuing the same guy who broke me into a million pieces and left me to die. My last ex, for now due to his safety I won’t reveal his identity so I will give him the name Bob, because why the hell not. So Me and Bob have been friends since high school in 2011. He isn’t from New York, Long Island specifically. He is from Las Vegas, Nevada. He lived a hell of a life from what he would tell me back then. Well, he ended up moving here when he was 14 and I was 13. We went to the same high school, but for shits and giggles I will name it High School of Bullshit (HSoBS). So he came to the Island and had no friends whatsoever. He came just in time for the fall semester of HSoBS for 9th grade. I was in my mega scene phase, I was very cheery, happy-go-lucky. I enjoyed living at the time, and he- not so much. He had a lot of things going on and when he first met me, it was an instant attraction for both parties. The significance of this was we became best friends in high school, we were inseparable. You wouldn’t find him without me next to him and vice versa. The entire school was probably convinced we were dating, but we weren’t. We actually wanted to so badly. We never did because us being stupid children in love we didn’t know how to express this. He would date other girls in my class because he felt like he could never have me, that I was too high of a level for him. However, I wasn’t. I loved him dearly, and when he dated other girls in our class he would still always be with me to the point that he wouldn’t be with his girlfriends that much. He would always be with me. Now to every fucking person in this school they can TELL we were in love. It’s such a silly thing to say we were in love because it was high school we were 13/14. Well, one day he moved. I begged him to stay because I would miss him so much. Even by me saying that we still didn’t realize we loved each other. He didn’t want to go, but he had to. We still talked and everything until 2013. Truth is when he left I felt empty. Because in high school he wouldn’t talk to anyone but me. Even when that was a rarity, he still would talk to me and solely me. It made me very happy, knowing I felt so special to him. To him I am his first love, and his first best friend here. He always tells me how he can never forget about me, and how he never loved any other girl as much as he loved me. We have everything in common, from our music tastes, to our creepy and eerie pasts, to just who we are. We enjoy the same things, we act the same, we talk the same. We are legitimately the same person in the opposite genders as if we are made for each other. As time from 2013-2016 went on, we stopped talking completely, and I lived my life without him and he did without me. Or so I thought. Deep down we always wondered how we were. He always thought about me after 2013 and how I was doing. I always wondered about him, but we never decided to contact each other. He had girlfriends and I had boyfriends. We spent happiness in others. Well, in late August of 2016, I got new video editing software for my gaming channel on youtube and I made a status about how I was going to make more videos now. I was really excited to tell everyone about it, and he saw it and never knew I was an avid gamer. He messaged me saying “wait you’re a gamer?!” and we added each other on every gaming software we owned. We played games a bit and then stopped talking for a few months. Now, fast forward to September 23rd 2016. My 19th birthday, he texted me “Happy Birthday kid, how old are you now?” and I said how I was 19 and his immediate reaction was “wow you’re young compared to me” and meanwhile he was only turning 20 I made the joke of “You’re almost a year older than me though. As we are speaking we are both 19. So shush.” and we laughed because we made shitty jokes about how we are old/young. After that we put some distance back again. One day in October I met another guy, who I was attracted to. His name for this story will be Frank. Frank and I were going well in our soon-to-be relationship albeit we couldn’t see each other ever due to our conflicting schedules and whatnot, but we talked daily. Well, one day I posted on Snapchat how I needed someone and surely enough Bob saw it. He wrote to me asking to hang out to catch up after work and talk. I was hesitant at first because he was my first love, what if I fall for him again? especially since at the time he had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship because he might still love me. I doubted it though, nothing ever lasted for me because I fall too hard for guys and get nothing in return ever. So I brushed it away and said fine, I’ll go out and talk. So we went to the taco bell near my house. He worked in Riverhead at the time which was 35 mins from my house, and we sat there and I knew. The minute I saw him and hugged him, all of my feelings returned. I had fallen in love with my first love again. That hug was a smack back to our happy moments together in high school. I missed it so fucking much, he was my best friend and my first love. He meant the world to me then, and even to this very day as I am writing this and crying over my computer I still love the fucking shit out of him. After we saw each other, I didn’t want him to leave. Not again. Not like he did back then, it ruined me to have to leave his side. I wanted to beg him to stay with me. I couldn’t though, he found happiness in someone else. His heart belongs to someone else. Not me. The next few days we talked a little, and I flat out (being the blunt bitch I am) told him how I think we shouldn’t see each other as much because I wanted to kiss him as if we had dated, because my feelings for him returned. I knew they would, but wanted to defy myself. I couldn’t. I told him that, and surely enough he felt the same. This caused more than a kiss to happen. Which tore him and I and his girlfriend at the time apart. This caused a lot of hatred, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, and tears and blood. After that, we dated in November shortly after his birthday for 2 weeks. We were happy for those 2 weeks, we had cute conversations like how I would say “I love you to the moon and back” and he would be silly and cute and say “You’d only love me for 3 days?!” because that’s how long it takes to get to the moon and back. Then he called me his queen, he would send me reasons why he loved me every night and that he was happy to be with me. He would always tell me to be happy for the day and have a good day at school or work. It went super well then and even the next time we dated it was just bliss. However, the first time we dated I decided to be a selfish cunt and not say I was in a relationship with him on facebook because I wanted to stay married to my ex on facebook from many years ago. I was still hung up on him, and little did I know. It fucking killed Bob. It hurt him so much that it pushed him away back to his ex-girlfriend now at the time. This in turn made me angry because he was with her when I was very ill at the time. I was nearly hospitalized, and he had done what I never wanted to be done ever again in my life. This caused turmoil, and he had to make a choice, me or her. He walked out of his house and when his ex-girlfriend at the time said “Where are you going?” he said “To make my decision” and told me to meet him at the lake near his house, where it all began for us. That was where he took my virginity, and where he asked to be mine again. I normally would’ve accepted it. However, I cursed him out, I caused him to cry so fucking much in my arms. I caused him to be in so much pain that I caused my own tears. I told him to live and to suffer. I wanted him to suffer like he made me suffer at the time, and once my head got cleared. That’s where mistakes began. He flip flopped between me and his ex-girlfriend at the time until she finally dipped and left. Once she left he worked on us and it was the best time of our lives because we didn’t let anything get to us. Not at all. However, I would always confront him about his ex-girlfriend’s posts regarding him. He would naturally deny it, but it fucking hurt because some was true some was false. However, we lasted a few more weeks and he broke up with me to fix his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. This hurt me, but I understood. So the issue here was he was still in love with me. He still wanted me, but he also wanted her. After we saw each other and his ex-girlfriend at the time refused to take him back. He found another girl and this caused some turmoil between us again because its back to a few months ago again. I befriended new people through this, and lost them just the same. Combatting my health, family life, and him all at once really destroyed my mental state to the point where I was numb. He told his new girlfriend at the time all about me and she hated that we still talked. He claims she trusted him, but in reality she didn’t. If she did, she wouldn’t have anything to worry about, but the fact that she was worried about this means even she along with he and I knew that he still was in love with me. Fast forward to 2 weeks later where we got into a HUGE FIGHT over the phone. He let his emotions engulf him completely and screamed at me, telling me how he’s going to call me every single name in the book and scare me away. However, he didn’t. He didn’t call me anything negative other than stupid. That was all, he didn’t call me a cunt, whore, a slut, a useless piece of shit. None of it. All he called me was stupid for still talking to his ex-girlfriend that hated me and confronted me blaming me for their break up. He also said these exact words to me: “Do you know why I am so angry, Angela?!” Me: “No WHY ENLIGHTEN ME.” Him: “BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU ANGELA, I TRIED TO FORGET US, TO FORGET YOU, TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE AND NO MATTER WHO I DATE OR WHO I AM WITH IT’S NEVER THE SAME. I CAN’T FORGET YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” when he said this to me he was out of his shell, it was his true personality talking to me. This is when the truth really comes out. Afterwards I was left a crying mess feeling useless. Then I got a text from him saying “I’m sorry for over reacting. I do love you and I do want to be with you and work things out. I just need time” and all I did was give him time. However, I might’ve pushed a lot on him. That is what most likely ruined us. I wanted to see him that night. I wanted to see the person who broke me down so much that I can’t help but be in love with because at the end of the day when we make each other mad or sad, we always apologize and make up for it. After that phone call he posted on twitter how he isn’t human because he just shattered the one girl he probably never wanted to shatter. To shatter your first love and your first best friend like that has to be mentally eating someone alive. I always forgave him and I always will because I just love him, yes he hurt me. Yes, he did things he shouldn’t have done. However, at the end of the day we always talk to each other and check up on each other. If he’s a fucked up person, then I am fucked up for the same reasons he has. They say two people who are the same really belong together, then I guess this is our story because at the end of the day we still come back to each other. Now that we know how we feel about each other, we don’t want to lose each other again. Not after what happened in HSoBS. After they broke up, I witnessed him breaking down. Multiple occasions and I was there for him as a friend because he needed someone. I didn’t trust him alone. I was always there when he needed a friend. Every time he was upset, I would always check in on him and stop by to see if he is okay. He always calls me when he needs me, even after he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and said how he wants me out of his life for good. He still wants to talk to me, now I know what you’re thinking “why the fuck would he be so childish and fuck around so much and you still be there for him?” and the answer is, love makes you do some really fucking crazy and unexplainable things. This is one of them. When we are together we are so happy and there’s nothing bad going on, but when we are apart and he is unsure about himself and talks to other girls, that’s where the fighting happens. He tells me how he doesn’t love me, how he doesn’t care if I date anyone else, but truth be told. It’s a lie, he gets jealous a lot over me talking to other guys. Why? He still loves me, but doesn’t know what to do. So he’s pretty much prolonging us, but lately he has been calling me and texting me daily and talking to me and we are realizing how we are perfect for each other and how we are legitimately the same person but opposite genders. We both agree we are meant to be together, because he never felt like this with anyone else. When we were gaming late the other night he kept wanting to call me his babe and his girl etc. And it was even harder for him to not want me to come over to sleep with him. He misses me a lot, and I miss him too. However, he has another girlfriend (again) and until he realizes I am gone and find someone else and then want to fix us because he realized how he chased away the only girl who was there for him through everything and didn’t care about what he did because she loved him for who he was and for him. He will either be sorry that I am gone, or not care. We will see where this goes, because I do love him. However, this game of “I am going to date every other girl before I date you” fucking hurts. I can’t handle it because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair because I keep trying to make things right and all he does is hurt me by seeing other girls. I just want him to snap out of this phase and realize I was the one who was always there for him. I want him to not fuck himself over someone who is willing to go anywhere with him when no one else will. I know all about him, every single thing. If anyone knew half of him they would probably be unhappy and not want to live with it. He may be a difficult, and a stubborn guy, but he really isn’t a bad guy. He always asks me how I am and if I don’t answer he gets worried because he knows my health is dancing with the devil right now. He truly does care about me. I just want these games to end and finally be at peace either with him or without him. Its either me, or never me. Pick one before someone else picks it for you. We all have that one person we can never stop loving, and for me that is him and for him it is me. However, it doesn’t mean when we see other people and love others we still won’t be affected by it because deep down we want each other. Please save me, before someone else saves me for you.

#rant #life #whatsgoingon #dontmindme #thisisme #mylife

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