#absentmothers

[run2yamama]

I’ve been gone so long, I don’t really know how to start this post. I’m now a mother… didn’t think I would ever be saying that! I have a little girl, who is nearly 5 months and has forever changed me but I am sure you can imagine the feelings that came up for me if you have followed my posts on here. I was coming to terms with my situation with my own mother and working through a lot of repressed feelings, let me tell you I had no idea the new feelings I would have towards us after becoming a mother myself.

This is something I definitely want to write about, I want to keep having these conversations.

Being a mum, when you’ve had an absent mum? My head is spun truly.

I’m not sure when I will get this post out but in the mean time if you want to follow me on insta please go ahead :) https://instagram.com/roh___o?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[whereisthemorningstar]

4 am

It was 4 am in the morning and all I could think was “What part is missing from this puzzle that’s messing up my head?” And somehow after I was wandering the sky from my window, it was around 5:40 at the time, I actually answered my own question. I was smoking a cigarette, some whiskey was dripping from my lip and boom, a thought opened my eyes. I always wanted to do the opposite of what my…

[slutforwings]

my view of house of the dragon, not having watched a single ep of the show, only gifs and posts from people on my dash:

ginger lady (alicent) with the biggest saddest eyes is a massive failgirl but seems to be a leader of a faction of some other, regardless of being a failgirl. she doesnt seem to be taken seriously by some men in her life but can be an ice cold queen if need be. i also think she has a son, but shes not in his life (#absentmother). or he died from fantasy disease. her talents include looking at you with the wettest most anguished eyes on earth. she always looks like the person she loves most in the world was executed in front of her. she wears green a lot which is a massive win in my books.

white haired lady (rhaenyra?) was (is?) in a relationship with her... brother? uncle? i dont think theyre together anymore seeing as she managed to snog another lady. i reckoned that lady would be alicent since she seems to have A Lot of tension with her (although possibly only in the previous season? they dont seem to be seeing much of each other right now. i think alicent fumbled the bag). rhaenyra used bonding over trauma to score the kiss, which is one of her talents.

daemon is the aforementioned incest groomer uncle who has lost an eye or has dreams to be a pirate. he has moved on from his niece to fucking his mother, or at least wanting to fuck his mother. welcome back oedipus. he's the head of some type of war council and gives cunty oneliners to his underlings. he is sad sometimes but mainly stone faced. i think he should die but i also think he can be a very interesting character so i guess i dont care if he lives or dies. he's always wearing black and idk if its because he's mourning his broken relationship with his niece, the fact that he cant fuck his mom, or just because he's an emo avant la lettre

i have yet to see a single dragon

[this-will-be-what-kills-me]

I hope that both of my brothers get to spend Mother’s Day with the version of my mother that they deserve today. I hope I can stop crying for long enough to let the bitterness ease for a while. I hope over time it will get easier, the pain of being the one child out of three that was never *quite* enough. Close sometimes (I know this from the smiles and laughter, calling me her daughter in public), but just shy of loveable (I know this because I was told it many times). There’s no text book on how to handle days that celebrate mother’s and fathers when you don’t feel like celebrating them; ‘thank you for bringing me into the world so that you could spend a few years building me up and then every year after that bringing me down’ doesn’t have quite the same sentiment. Or how to love yourself when the very people who were supposed to love you more than anyone struggled to love you at all. Today.... today is really hard. Today feels like someone is living in my head reminding me that my mum doesn’t love me. Today feels like someone has reached inside me and is squeezing my heart so hard and I’m trying to level my breathing so that my heart will keep beating but everyone around me is smiling and laughing and thankful and I feel... lost, alone, defeated, angry. And bitter. The bitterness hurts most of all 🌠

- Mother’s Day when you don’t have a mother

[fairymoe]

WHY does no one ever talk about absent mothers. The complications. I’m hurting, this Mother’s Day.

[jimfostercoc]

Ryan: Becoming Naomi Leon

[anamatics]

so i’ve been watching rwby

and as I’ve been doing so I’ve been posting reactions to my friends. After S5, S6, and S7, in particular, I had a lot of thoughts and opinions. More under the cut. I’m going to write fic aren’t i?

Season 5:

1. Where is the first/autumn relic?! Like, we've established that Ozpin hid it well, yet for some reason it doesn't feel like that's the whole story - given where the relic was hidden this time, in some sort of n dimentional desert (where, if you looked closely you could see similar ##chemtrails - could people just walk through that desert to get to all of them? 2. I find it hilarious that Weiss just got out of Atlas only to go back, I'm very curious as to what sort of ~~damage this reveals about her in the coming seasons, but I'm also very intrigued by how reintroducing her to her father with the rest of team RWBY will shift/alter the narrative of powerlessness that he seems t be pushing toward her. I'm esp. intrigued as to what his reaction will be to Blake (as he seems very anti-faunus). 3. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR THE #YANGST. 4. The show has been pretty constantly showing us that most of Ruby and Yang's family seems like chill folks, but the ##absentmother trope is strong here. Given that it seems like only Blake has a mom, does Blake's mom adopt everyone? 5. Blake having a fairly functional nuclear family is fascinating to me, because it makes a lot of her choices seem way more political (at a very young age) as opposed to just a kid who got in over her head with a boy who was a bit older. I'd love to know more about this. 6. as a multishipper, I hurt all over.

xx

Season 6:

Item the FIRST: Weiss barely making it out of Atlas only to be dragged, albeit somewhat willingly back to the source of all of her ~ trauma & family drama ~ I am curious to see how this plays out and generally hope that Weiss somehow stabs her shitty dad and Draco Malfoy rip off brother while being reunited with her 100% Cooler Than U sister. Also that Cooler Than U sister works on the unresolved sexual tension she CLEARLY had with Qrow.

Item the SECOND: The show's thoughtful handling of Qrow's alcoholism and Ruby's gentle efforts to push toward sobriety without like being annoyingly moralistic about it. It could have been handled so differently and I really, really enjoyed that it was handled in the way it was.

Item the THIRD: Weiss' new red scarf. adsfajshfaksdjfhthatsgayweissaksdfhaksdjfh

Item the FOURTH: The various Poor Life Choices Salem made during our brief sojourn to the Department of Backstory. Also Jinn is amazing let's keep her around. She can join Jaune, Ren and Nora as a 4th member of their team and just hilariously be naked all the time. 10/10 would watch for hijinks adventures.

Item the FIFTH:  Ozpin sulking that he got all his relationship drama put on main like that

Item the SIXTH: Jaune's gay sister and sister-in-law and their baby and and and and (idk I just loved this).

Item the SEVENTH: BLAKE AND YANG HELD HANDS AND MURDERED THEIR TRAUMA TOGETHER PRAISE JESUS AND CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH? NOW KISS.

Item the EIGHTH: My multishipper ass saw that moment between Weiss and Yang when they were stuck in the basement and I'd just like to say I would be happy to see that too.

xx

Season 7:  Item the First: Weiss has a mother. Which we all logically knew she did but that scene with her in Jacques' office was just... a lot. Also raised some very interesting questions. When will Weiss and Ruby bond over alcoholic parental figures, I ask you. On this front, I am also now supremely, supremely curious about Winter's relationship with her mother. 

Item the Second: Leftist Weiss. Well we all knew that Weiss wouldn't have voted for her dad anyway, but I think the tension between Weiss's clear orientation toward helping people and government for good and her father/sister's appealing to/embodying other forms of authority (corporate/military). This also raises an interesting point of contention between Weiss and Winter, as Winter's sort of this embodiment of what I'd maybe call a conscientious soldier – where she’s clearly in possession of independent thoughts and opinions, yet also seems to want to appeal to a higher authority whenever she feels conflicted (e.g. “Ironwood is making the hard decisions so we don’t have to.”). This actually draws a very stark line between Winter and Weiss – as Weiss has always been a freer thinker, who can and does think for herself and operate from her own moral compass. The moment at the end of the season between Weiss and Winter was just so delicious as I hope (HOPE HOPE) that they’re setting up for a ~~moment of clarity~ for Winter where she has to make a decision on her own that defies orders in some way for the greater good that Weiss can see so easily. (Also, please, my good gay sisters: Hug. It. Out.)

Item the Third: Leftist Bees (well really, leftist Yang, Blake was always a revolutionary). I absolutely loved the Everyone Is Lying moments in this season, and I do hate that the Bees were the ones caught out in it first. Black and Yang telling Robyn the truth also struck me as something that the pair of them would do anyway – the only other character I could see possibly slipping and letting info get to Robyn is Weiss, but I also got the sense that Weiss understood the politics of the situation better than anyone else and because of this was playing it pretty close to the vest. The Bee’s decision really jives with their partnership. As did getting to watch them fight together so much this season, they’re evolving together, and seeing them fight in tandem is a delight.

Item the Fourth: Splitting whiterose. I like Penny. I actually love Penny. I love Penny and Roby’s dynamic. And their friendship. And how ridiculous they are. But it really struck me that how the whiterose partnership kept on getting split until the final fight against the Spice Force Five. I’m sure there’s a reason for this but I don’t like it and I won’t hear it or respond to it.

Item the Fifth: The Not Spice Girls/Spice Force Five. Love these idiots, but they’re all cops. Marrow is the most delightful of them and seems like he’s about to go on a journey similar to Winter, Harriet sucks a lot, Clover was a delightful almost rip but also mmmwhatchusay. I sort of hated the juxtaposition between team RWBY and them, with the ‘just following orders’ mentality and the lack of friendship/cohesion between these guys. I guess now Winter can join them and they so they can have their Posh Spice.

Item the Sixth: Schneewood Forest. I feel like I could write a whole elaborate backstory with these two. There’s something there – the unstoppable force meets immovable object of it, plus the idea of someone who challenges Winter’s entire belief structure just by being an okay person ~with a merry band of queers~. I feel a lot of things. I want to explore this. Stop me I am in a PhD program. 

Item the Seventh: The Tinman’s Heart. Having read all of the Wizard of Oz books, as well as the Wicked series, I actually appreciate that this series is taking nods from both sources for these characters. James’s decisions are … not great but I can see his logic – well right up until the part where he shoots poor Oscar. That was just rude. Also I do love watching him fight because he’s so very, very good.

Item the Seventh: Bisexual Bobs. How very Bi of you Blake. And how useless lesbian of Yang to be all flustered about it. Please kiss.

[redersrepublic]

A Mother’s Life #bookchallenge - Day 7 - #absentmother • Când eram mică și citeam aventurile Fetiței celei de-a Șasea Luni, îmi doream din suflet să fiu Nina de Nobili. În primul rând, avea prieteni loiali cu care descoperea aventuri noi în fiecare zi. Apoi, mi se părea fascinant că mama și tatăl ei erau mereu absenți și astfel putea pleca oriunde voia, oricând voia. • @editurarao a publicat această serie în țara noastră și acum parcă aș relua seria, mai ales că avem și un volum 5. Voi ați citit vreo carte de Moony Witcher? • • #elitemothersbooks #motherinbooks #romanianbook #fetitaceleideasasealuni #labambinadellasestaluna #moonywitcher #raobooks #reader #bookworm #bookaholic #booktag #bestoftheday #photooftheday #lovetoread (at Bucharest, Romania) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bu3s-JoHi8W/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vqvc7egjuavp

[foreverivysworld]

Dear Mama,

here are things i wish i could tell you:

I want to tell you am sorry for not being the daughter you wanted but i wish i could also tell you:

How i feel without being yelled at, interrupted or misunderstood

I wish i could tell you  am:

Scared

Sad

Lonely

Depressed

Insecured

Heartbroken and weak

I wish i had more good times with you just laughing, taking random selfies  but this are so rare than desert water,

I wish i could tell you i soiled my school uniform without you taming me as careless

I wish you could give me random hugs anytime you noticed my eyes were red and full of tears or after a long day at school

Am sorry i didnt get good grades at elementary school and so did i miss the honours roll at the university because i had no motivation

Am sorry i cant stop my depression from happening and cutting myself doesn't mean i need attention neither am i ungrateful, am hurting mama

I wish i could talk back without it sounding like disrespect,

mama i just want to defend myself

I wish i could tell you am scared of the heights but i still dont want to die but being alive hurts

I have penned down my thoughts hoping you might jump out of this pages and hug me and for once it won't have to feel like  a joke

I wish i could tell you about a boy from the neighbourhood  who hurt me without hearing this words "Too much internet and soap operas have ruined your morals", am genuinely sad mama

I wish you knew what goes on behind that closed bedroom door,

salty tears,

scars that refuse to heal,

regrets,

a feeling of never being enough,

sad songs,

suicidal thoughts and a racing heart,

Im sorry you dont even know , but how could you when all you ever have to say is:

" crying is for the weak"

I wish you would stop hitting me and blaming me for everything

I wish you would tell me:

Am your world

Your light

Your love

Your happiness,

That am beautiful

Smart and funny

I need you to be my safe haven not to use my secrets against me, i need to tell you things i have never had to said loud to anyone otherwise,

Am not perfect but Am sorry Mom.

#motheranddaughter #absentmothers 

  #motherhoodunplugged #motherlove

#poetry  #sorry mom #poeticjustice #depression

[run2yamama]

What does it look like for you when your inner child appears in a triggering situation?

Learning what this looks like for you is a wonderful tool to have although the journey of getting there might not feel or look positive and that’s totally okay. 

Being able to pin point and recognise the moments and situations that trigger your inner child and in turn trigger you to respond in a manner that can be self-destructive is not to be underestimated. You don’t deserve to keep re-living trauma that in that precise moment may not even exist but it feels as though your inner child is panicking and trying to get the hell out and away from it. 

For me - situations where I am being shouted at cause me to shut down completely. My inner child feels like I am going to re-live something awful if I dare open my mouth to respond. She would have learnt a long time ago that if I am the object of being yelled at, yelling back is only going to get me physically hurt. I try to disappear inside my head. 

It may have served her well when I was 8 - but for me as an adult? It’s counter-productive. It doesn’t mean I have to tolerate being shouted at but it’s okay for me to articulate how I feel and in turn ask the person to also adjust their behaviour. I can only soothe my inner child by recognising that this situation is not the same. 

Please feel free to share what this can look like for you. Let’s talk about it.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 27 - R2YM

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced growing up with absent-mother was not being able to enforce boundaries, with anyone in shape or context. It isn’t a surprise considering the person who brought me into the world didn’t respect me or make me feel worthy. She always crossed the line and from a very young age I knew that this didn’t feel right but I couldn’t quite explain it, it was clear to me that during this time I was well and truly an emotional punching bag. Being put in dangerous situations by your own mum also makes it difficult to comprehend that you are worth anything as my safety wasn’t paramount to her.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me that I grew up struggling to enforce boundaries with other people in all areas of my life, this includes friendships, relationships and even in professional work environments. It was second nature to me to feel like I have the resilience to deal with whatever other humans throw at me and I was used to not speaking up or perhaps not feeling like I had a right to speak up. I can’t stress enough that this is not a part of resilience, of course we all have to pick our battles but that is not the same thing as feeling you inherently have to take what others throw at you just because you know you’ve been through the worst of the worst when it comes to someone stepping all over your boundaries.

It can even feel foreign to you when you hear your own voice quietly verbalizing that you feel infringed upon, sometimes you hear yourself start and quickly stop because every other time you tried to do this in your life (with your mum) – you were shut down swiftly and in my case, shut down in an aggressive manner. It’s truly heartbreaking when you can see the cycle for what it is and you can see why you’re unable to advocate for yourself with clear eyes. Unlearning this behaviour is so difficult I have no words for it BUT it isn’t impossible, it truly isn’t.

The feelings of being abandoned and therefore feeling like every time you set a boundary that may push someone away or result in you having to walk away is so conflicting. I promise you, I get it. You feel like no matter what it is they are doing or saying – even if it doesn’t sit right with you, even if your gut tells you it’s truly wrong – you have to stay through it and work it out rather than drop a straight NO into the mix. You don’t want anyone to feel like you’re abandoning them or giving off the message that they are “unlovable” or “unlikable” – it comes from a really lovely place ultimately but it’s simply not realistic or fair. When you’ve been exposed to emotional neglect it’s hard to see that setting firm boundaries doesn’t fall into that same category. Constant exposure to this gives you a tunnel vision where standing up for yourself equates to the same as being mean and hurting others and again it’s just not true.

It takes practice but you owe it to yourself to find a way to communicate boundaries to others, to be able to walk away when awful toxic behaviour is impacting you. You will end up using what your mum did to you as a weapon against yourself – how is this fair? You don’t deserve that. You can still remain kind and know that it isn’t the same thing, abandoning someone doesn’t even fall into this – you are categorically not doing that. Something I’ve found useful is having a “go-to sentence” as a template that has been practiced, that feels comfortable for me personally when leaving my mouth. For example: “I don’t like how this is making me feel, I understand you have to stand by your reality of this situation and that’s okay too but I don’t want to be a part of this as I feel like it could become toxic. I hope you can understand this and in turn respect my reality of the situation.”

We will all have conflict with the people we care about at some point but it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, if you feel like you are the only one growing and they are exhibiting behaviours that trigger you or make you feel like you’re regressing it is your RIGHT to choose to bow out gracefully. There is no way we have survived and endured what we have, broken free from the chains of having an absent-mother and then accept any behaviour that is thrown at us for the fear of abandoning them.

You are not your mother.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Hey lovely people

I know it’s been a long time... before I get into all of that though, thank you for still being here. Honestly, I’ve missed being here - it feels so good to be back. 

There is a part of me that wants to over-apologize for being gone but I think I am fortunate and blessed enough to have followers like yourselves who I think can understand that I had to go work on some stuff and I wouldn’t have been gone for so long if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I definitely have to practice what I preach and I’m at a place where I understand that I really needed to be there for myself and myself alone.

I can’t wait to pass on some of this extra knowledge I am now equipped with and some of the stuff I have learnt has blown my mind, truly. Although inner work is and always will be the hardest thing to conquer and also the most important thing to work on - being able to apply this with actual PRACTICAL skills and facts takes it to a whole new level.

I will have a post up for you all tonight (I’m on UK time, it’s currently 2pm here) , again it’s nothing but an honour to be able to share and discuss all areas of absent-mothers with you and to have this community. I didn’t want to just drop a post without giving some sort of explanation and without letting you know that being away from here has been hard and upsetting for me but it was the right thing to do and I know I have more insight to offer you than I could have ever done before. 

Thank you and I am sorry.

R2YM

[run2yamama]

Were there any moments in your journey with your absent-mum that ever make you feel like you miss her?

This will be the topic of Advice Chapter 28. For me, it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all these other painful emotions and I feel there is also the feeling of missing her. Not necessarily her - but perhaps the fleeting moments where it was okay for even a few minutes.  It’s been hard for me to admit this but vocalising this has also opened the door to feeling more at peace inside. I’d like to hear your perspective on this, there isn’t any shame in it which is also how I felt. I felt like I was betraying my inner child by giving that feeling of missing her any life.  Feel free to inbox me (you can be anonymous if that helps you) -R2YM

[run2yamama]

The next Advice Chapter

This next post will be covering the complex issue of walking away from relationships whilst dealing with the conflicting and resurfacing feelings of knowing what it feels like to be abandoned. 

For me personally, the issues of having an absent-mum spill over into how I struggle to enforce boundaries with others for the reason of not wanting to “abandon” others or walk away from them - no matter how toxic they might truly be. 

Is this something you can relate to? 

[run2yamama]

If you want to read up on other Advice Chapters before the latest one (Chapter 27)

You can find them here: https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/