#absentmums

[run2yamama]

I’ve been gone so long, I don’t really know how to start this post. I’m now a mother… didn’t think I would ever be saying that! I have a little girl, who is nearly 5 months and has forever changed me but I am sure you can imagine the feelings that came up for me if you have followed my posts on here. I was coming to terms with my situation with my own mother and working through a lot of repressed feelings, let me tell you I had no idea the new feelings I would have towards us after becoming a mother myself.

This is something I definitely want to write about, I want to keep having these conversations.

Being a mum, when you’ve had an absent mum? My head is spun truly.

I’m not sure when I will get this post out but in the mean time if you want to follow me on insta please go ahead :) https://instagram.com/roh___o?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[run2yamama]

What does it look like for you when your inner child appears in a triggering situation?

Learning what this looks like for you is a wonderful tool to have although the journey of getting there might not feel or look positive and that’s totally okay. 

Being able to pin point and recognise the moments and situations that trigger your inner child and in turn trigger you to respond in a manner that can be self-destructive is not to be underestimated. You don’t deserve to keep re-living trauma that in that precise moment may not even exist but it feels as though your inner child is panicking and trying to get the hell out and away from it. 

For me - situations where I am being shouted at cause me to shut down completely. My inner child feels like I am going to re-live something awful if I dare open my mouth to respond. She would have learnt a long time ago that if I am the object of being yelled at, yelling back is only going to get me physically hurt. I try to disappear inside my head. 

It may have served her well when I was 8 - but for me as an adult? It’s counter-productive. It doesn’t mean I have to tolerate being shouted at but it’s okay for me to articulate how I feel and in turn ask the person to also adjust their behaviour. I can only soothe my inner child by recognising that this situation is not the same. 

Please feel free to share what this can look like for you. Let’s talk about it.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 27 - R2YM

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced growing up with absent-mother was not being able to enforce boundaries, with anyone in shape or context. It isn’t a surprise considering the person who brought me into the world didn’t respect me or make me feel worthy. She always crossed the line and from a very young age I knew that this didn’t feel right but I couldn’t quite explain it, it was clear to me that during this time I was well and truly an emotional punching bag. Being put in dangerous situations by your own mum also makes it difficult to comprehend that you are worth anything as my safety wasn’t paramount to her.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me that I grew up struggling to enforce boundaries with other people in all areas of my life, this includes friendships, relationships and even in professional work environments. It was second nature to me to feel like I have the resilience to deal with whatever other humans throw at me and I was used to not speaking up or perhaps not feeling like I had a right to speak up. I can’t stress enough that this is not a part of resilience, of course we all have to pick our battles but that is not the same thing as feeling you inherently have to take what others throw at you just because you know you’ve been through the worst of the worst when it comes to someone stepping all over your boundaries.

It can even feel foreign to you when you hear your own voice quietly verbalizing that you feel infringed upon, sometimes you hear yourself start and quickly stop because every other time you tried to do this in your life (with your mum) – you were shut down swiftly and in my case, shut down in an aggressive manner. It’s truly heartbreaking when you can see the cycle for what it is and you can see why you’re unable to advocate for yourself with clear eyes. Unlearning this behaviour is so difficult I have no words for it BUT it isn’t impossible, it truly isn’t.

The feelings of being abandoned and therefore feeling like every time you set a boundary that may push someone away or result in you having to walk away is so conflicting. I promise you, I get it. You feel like no matter what it is they are doing or saying – even if it doesn’t sit right with you, even if your gut tells you it’s truly wrong – you have to stay through it and work it out rather than drop a straight NO into the mix. You don’t want anyone to feel like you’re abandoning them or giving off the message that they are “unlovable” or “unlikable” – it comes from a really lovely place ultimately but it’s simply not realistic or fair. When you’ve been exposed to emotional neglect it’s hard to see that setting firm boundaries doesn’t fall into that same category. Constant exposure to this gives you a tunnel vision where standing up for yourself equates to the same as being mean and hurting others and again it’s just not true.

It takes practice but you owe it to yourself to find a way to communicate boundaries to others, to be able to walk away when awful toxic behaviour is impacting you. You will end up using what your mum did to you as a weapon against yourself – how is this fair? You don’t deserve that. You can still remain kind and know that it isn’t the same thing, abandoning someone doesn’t even fall into this – you are categorically not doing that. Something I’ve found useful is having a “go-to sentence” as a template that has been practiced, that feels comfortable for me personally when leaving my mouth. For example: “I don’t like how this is making me feel, I understand you have to stand by your reality of this situation and that’s okay too but I don’t want to be a part of this as I feel like it could become toxic. I hope you can understand this and in turn respect my reality of the situation.”

We will all have conflict with the people we care about at some point but it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, if you feel like you are the only one growing and they are exhibiting behaviours that trigger you or make you feel like you’re regressing it is your RIGHT to choose to bow out gracefully. There is no way we have survived and endured what we have, broken free from the chains of having an absent-mother and then accept any behaviour that is thrown at us for the fear of abandoning them.

You are not your mother.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Hey lovely people

I know it’s been a long time... before I get into all of that though, thank you for still being here. Honestly, I’ve missed being here - it feels so good to be back. 

There is a part of me that wants to over-apologize for being gone but I think I am fortunate and blessed enough to have followers like yourselves who I think can understand that I had to go work on some stuff and I wouldn’t have been gone for so long if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I definitely have to practice what I preach and I’m at a place where I understand that I really needed to be there for myself and myself alone.

I can’t wait to pass on some of this extra knowledge I am now equipped with and some of the stuff I have learnt has blown my mind, truly. Although inner work is and always will be the hardest thing to conquer and also the most important thing to work on - being able to apply this with actual PRACTICAL skills and facts takes it to a whole new level.

I will have a post up for you all tonight (I’m on UK time, it’s currently 2pm here) , again it’s nothing but an honour to be able to share and discuss all areas of absent-mothers with you and to have this community. I didn’t want to just drop a post without giving some sort of explanation and without letting you know that being away from here has been hard and upsetting for me but it was the right thing to do and I know I have more insight to offer you than I could have ever done before. 

Thank you and I am sorry.

R2YM

[run2yamama]

Were there any moments in your journey with your absent-mum that ever make you feel like you miss her?

This will be the topic of Advice Chapter 28. For me, it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all these other painful emotions and I feel there is also the feeling of missing her. Not necessarily her - but perhaps the fleeting moments where it was okay for even a few minutes.  It’s been hard for me to admit this but vocalising this has also opened the door to feeling more at peace inside. I’d like to hear your perspective on this, there isn’t any shame in it which is also how I felt. I felt like I was betraying my inner child by giving that feeling of missing her any life.  Feel free to inbox me (you can be anonymous if that helps you) -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Transparency

What actually is healing? This is a question I’ve been going back to consistently over these last couple of weeks. Now I know the way I look at the journey of healing is affected by how hard I am on myself in general and so I’m aware that the two definitely cross over. I want to be completely transparent with you all because as I always say, this is a safe space for me too and I really appreciate all of you for that. Sometimes I do feel like when I’m absent from this blog I’m letting people down, especially followers I have interacted with – whose personal stories I know in some depth/capacity. Lol @ the use of the word absent when referring to myself, ironic and that feels shitty. Healing for me is ultimately two steps forward and one huge step back – now I know that sounds terrible, but I don’t mean it how you might think. It’s like, you feel renewed in some way and you know better/understand better BUT your brain has to catch up with the rewiring of that information and healing. It’s necessary and vital but when you are aware that there is healing to do it’s daunting knowing there is a lot of unlearning to do as well. The more trauma, the more unlearning/rewiring essentially – it is draining and exhausting and it’s a battle. With healing there is realisations and knowledge. That in itself can be depressing when you become aware of the extent of how wrong what you went through truly was. Ultimately this year has been the biggest healing/learning journey I’ve been on; so the crash that has come with it has been huge as well and that’s okay! I have a few topics and a case study I want to get out over the course of today and tonight but first I just feel like I owed you all an explanation as well as being honest. Healing doesn’t mean having it together magically and sometimes it can feel harder than the trauma you went through – if you feel like that, it’s totally valid and you aren’t wrong for feeling that way. It is important to take another two steps forward, regardless of the one it always feel like you’re taking back – it’s still one more forward than it is back and that’s real too.

[run2yamama]

Chapter 25 – R2YM (Re-Parenting yourself due to an absent-mother)

I don’t think I have ever given advice where I have explicitly said “this is EXACTLY the thing you need to do at some point” but with this one here, I kind of am saying that. I am also going to a video on this because it’s a huge chunk of our healing and I don’t think I am doing it justice with just this chapter. All of the other issues I touch on and we discuss amongst ourselves will all come back to this, whether you realise it or not. We are adults trying to recover, repair and re-learn complex AND basic concepts, feelings and behaviours – through no fault of our own. I’m always stressing that healing is so important because you don’t deserve to live the rest of your life tormented by this because of vaginal circumstance (lol) – you had no say in the hand you were dealt, please remember that. Let’s get into it. To put it very simply, a parent has two responsibilities – to nurture and support you emotionally and to provide discipline and boundaries. So you get the cases of overly strict parents who don’t show love and you get the parents who are overly nurturing (to the point of unhealthy) and set no boundaries or rules. A lot of us sadly have absent-mothers who actually failed to provide BOTH of these key templates. If you are sitting there wondering why every situation feels like the end of the world and you can’t keep your emotions in check – like it isn’t just sad or angry when something happens – it’s MANIC – then this is why my lovely people. I’m not saying that there are not people that thrive regardless of the odds, because of course that happens, not often though, I promise that. If there is no nurture and no discipline, you get to adulthood and everything is chaotic. It takes us much longer through trial and error to understand how to navigate and behave in certain situations. For me, I didn’t understand boundaries in terms of my behaviour – it’s fine to be angry, but for example – I would express that in a destructive loud way that would essentially affect the people around me. It’s fine to acknowledge it isn’t your fault, you are hurting and re-living trauma day in day out. What isn’t okay, is to continue living this way because we just can’t function that way. I’m going to be 25 and I have decided that I didn’t die when I was suffering as a child and I’m sure as hell going to keep fighting for that child because she fought for me to be here today too. If this is not going to ever going to stop hurting, well at least I stayed fighting on my feet than on my knees for that little girl. You will see your inner child pretty much every time you are triggered, hurting, in an emotive situation or confrontational situation (until you are aware of it and can try to refocus). When I am feeling in any of the above ways I am child like, in the way I cry/shout/scream, my body language, my submission to the situation and the pain, in the things I can sometimes say that are ‘childish’ in the sense that.. it just isn’t true or logical and if I wasn’t upset I would of course know that. It’s hard to explain but I think you will get what I’m saying. If you weren’t taught how to handle your emotions and you weren’t given a solace, why wouldn’t every situation ever feel like the end of the world? You literally don’t know any different. If you wonder why everything hurts so much, even when you feel like it shouldn’t be that deep – this is why. If you weren’t given discipline (in a healthy way) and taught boundaries, why wouldn’t you behave impulsively and out of control when your inner child comes forward and you’re in pain?? It is NOT your fault. This is where re-parenting and your inner child meet. You need to be able to focus on the two things you weren’t given by your mother (it could be one for you) which is nurture/emotional support and discipline. It’s about soothing yourself, speaking kindly to yourself. I honestly talk to 7 year old me when I’m in pain, hurting – when an intrusive/horrible thought enters my mind, I treat it as if it’s a child saying that. And I will soothe her, and comfort her – I talk to myself as if I am a child that needs nurture and support. If a 7 year old came up to you saying the negative things you say to yourself – you would be so upset. I’m not just talking about the traumatic stuff, even the every day stuff. I don’t know about you, but I am hard on myself about everything, even if I knock a drink over by accident?! And instead of going to myself ‘Oh you stupid bitch, why are you so clumsy you can’t even walk past a drink right!”, I would say “It’s just a drink, you got this, just wipe it up and move on – what would you like to do today?” do you see the difference? I am not going to keep being horrible to my inner child as my mum was to the real child version of me. It’s the same with the discipline – it can be to the huge traumatic things, to the small situations. When I’m in an emotive/confrontational situation, I get the urge to throw things or scream and cry like it’s the end of the world, because it ACTUALLY feels that way. I know I’m going back into a state of trauma, my inner child is reenacting everything she has seen and she is navigating the situation how she was taught/not taught. Instead of letting her go “This hurt so much I have no words, nobody is listening I need to physically show my pain and keep screaming til they understand how much it hurts” I will tell her “No darling, nobody will ever listen that way, it isn’t fair – they have boundaries too. I know you’re hurting, but you aren’t going to get the help you want this way”, do you see the difference? It’s not unkind, but it is still firm. I still have to be held accountable. It’s also very easy for me to slip away into my head and not want to come back to reality to do the practical things I need to, like for example even a phone call I need to make for an appointment or something. The discipline kicks in there, instead of going “no, i’m hurting too much, it can be tomorrow’s problem if she is ok” I will tell myself – “no, doing this thing you don’t want to is self-care and you know it, it’s just a phone call and you can be sad again if you want when it’s done or you might feel better for it”. Everyone has an inner-child, some people fortunately only have positive attributes come forward and some of us unfortunate have had no template or a very toxic one. As long as my inner-child needs me, I will keep re-parenting her, that’s my duty now – just like a parent to a child. I am that committed to her and I love her that much. Does this make sense?

[run2yamama]

Chapter 26 - R2YM

As always, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt and be mindful of your own journey & what you need! Take the bits that work for you and don’t actively try to force yourself to follow EVERYTHING just because it sounds good and helpful. If you aren’t ready for certain aspects of healing yet then that is ok! A lot of us spent much of our childhood disassociating, in particular when it came down to patterns of behaviour we were subjected to and the trauma it inflicted. As a child, without practical intervention the best means of taking care of ourselves would have been detaching. I find the ‘blank’ areas of my memories to be really troubling, sometimes more so than the violent/outright terrifying memories. It’s like you are ALMOST able to recollect the gap in your memory, but not quite; you can perhaps remember the lead up or the aftermath. You know something awful happened because of them two other memories (either before or after) and it’s unsettling. It’s also the idea that I never had any control of that shit and now I don’t even have control of this memory/thought process? I feel like I am almost betraying myself. I just want to reassure you that if you also feel this way or any variation of these feelings – RELAX YOUR SHOULDERS AND BREATHE. It just isn’t true at all – there is no disservice to yourself here at all. Clinical depression on it’s own is notorious for memory impairment, this coupled up with childhood trauma makes for a hell of a mix. Give yourself a break because this is not easy to navigate at all. Remember what I said above about sometimes having the ‘before’ and ‘after’ memories of the part that is blank? Well the combination of depression and the disassociation due to childhood trauma can end up wiping those ones out too. So you’re just left with this uneasy and terrifying feeling that something vile and awful happened – to your core you KNOW it yet you cannot for the life of you recall the lead up or the aftermath. There may come a point where some of you are ready to try and work through this as part of your healing journey. I personally want to go the fuck off when it comes to battling all this shit – like I will keep going even if I die trying. I absolutely owe it to that little girl that was me and is still me. Therapy is of course the best advice I would give anyone, especially if you are taking the time to do your research and trying to find the right person to help you talk through your experiences. I will post some tips in finding a therapist, I know it’s quite different in the UK to other places so I will try to make it accessible as possible. ONLY if you are ready – perhaps try some of the things that I have actively been working on doing. I am stressing that I ONLY do this when I feel that I am in the right head space and in a positive place. Healing shouldn’t just happen when you are in the midst of hurting, it should also be when you are just ok or better yet – thriving. I guess that’s what I mean when I use the word ‘actively’ – I’m making a choice, time and place to work through some shit. One thing I do is write (not structured at all by the way, it could be sentences or just words) and I guess.. push myself to remember ANYTHING from around the time of the ‘blank’ area in my memory. This could be the age I was, what else was going on in life then, friends I had, activities I did – even the tiniest of things that may not seem like they mean a thing. Can I remember a month before that blank part? Two months? Three months? A week before? And any little details I write down. I essentially do the same thing, but verbally and record myself some voice notes if I need to verbalise this to make it more real. That is much harder for me personally, so again I have to be active with it. Whether or not you’re ready for the above, it’s okay; it’s more than okay. You are in control now, so whatever pace you decide to take this journey at is completely up to you. The difference with you being in control rather than someone else is – you can choose how you speak to yourself when it comes to exerting control. You have endured enough – there is no reason ever to speak to yourself without love and patience.

[run2yamama]

Chapter 25 on re-parenting yourself is now up!

It’s my latest post on here but you can also go to - https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/ if you want to read it there and see other posts! The video will be posted on Youtube for you all shortly. I’m going right back to the beginning with this video in the sense of, I want my advice chapters to also be verbal and more personal.  My Youtube channel is - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx7q2hRUJ7viAOml6_pgy6Q so it would be great if you could go ahead and subscribe! I will let you know on here when the video is up :) Thank you! xxx

[run2yamama]

Having an absent-mum & starting your period

I’ve got a post coming up in a couple of hours based around this. I honestly wish I had somewhere to turn to or just some advice I could look up. I will also be providing tips, resources and general information for any young girls/women that are soon to be dealing with this alone!

Again, this is something I navigated by mimicking what friends did/what their mums advised them but no direct conversations. That moment of seeing I had started my first period and not feeling comfortable enough to go tell anyone for a while or not knowing what to do was just traumatising. 

I feel like although I was surrounded by many women as I’ve already said, this is something that was almost forgotten about? It’s just so difficult to navigate for everyone involved because on one hand their focus was on giving me motherly love, but the practical bits were overlooked because I still went home at the end of the day. 

What was your experience of starting your period and having an absent-mum?  Did you have a similar experience and were you also in need of resources?  Or maybe it was an area you were able to navigate quite well  You can message me and be anonymous if you want, that’s never an issue but let’s talk about this. I always appreciate your insight. 

[run2yamama]

How many times have you been made to feel like this issue of having an absent-mother is just something you should get over already?

If you would rather be anonymous and answer this, that’s totally fine - feel free to message me! There have been outright shitty people I have come across who have said those exact words really, mainly family members funnily enough and also some ex friends who knew who to hit below the belt with their words. At the end of the day people take what hurts you the most and throw it at you when they are angry/upset or are just twats.  Then there is also the subtle stuff. I think that there is a combination of paranoia from my part/as well as genuine impatience sometimes from their part; even from those that have known me from the very beginning of all of this shit. I mean, although it has been going on for my whole life - it wasn’t even until I just hit 20 that I realised there was anything to address/really talk about. It’s like, even those closest to you have seen it go on for so long that this is just an extension of that. Whether it is working towards healing or not and that’s when it is easy to get resentful.  But again it is important to have empathy towards those where you don’t feel it is intentional, in the sense that - of course hearing about the same topic over and over is emotionally draining. I also have to realise that I am projecting a lot of my fears onto them and interpreting their words/behaviour to match - because I am paranoid of annoying people with it deep down. I mean, I’m fucking sick of it myself so you know.  You need to continue to stay accountable for yourself though, that is so important. Figuring out healthy ways to communicate with those around you is vital, it isn’t your fault at all for not having a healthy template of that - it still doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility though. It’s easy to project those fears you have on others, again - not your fault, but once you’re aware you can’t ignore it. You don’t deserve to do yourself a disservice like that. You absolutely deserve to be heard, you can work on your delivery and execution if you want when expressing your emotions to those around you but at the end of the day, those that want to be there will be. It is absolutely never okay to have the fact that you have an absent-mother used against you or for you to be made to feel like you should be over it already.

[run2yamama]

What are some questions you have for your absent-mum?

For me personally, I know I will never get to ask them and I’ve made peace with that. I still think it’s healthy for me to vocalise my questions though because I’m not willing to mentally torment myself forever.  Some of my questions:  - Did you see the fear and hurt in my eyes and ignore it or were you so unwell you just didn’t know?  - Have the years gone by as quickly for you as they have for me?  - You have another child now, probably age 10 by now? I have heard you are a good mum and for that I’m glad, even though it hurts. Do you see this as your chance to do right now?  - Do you cry about me too? Message me your questions. This was really painful to write, I’m going to give myself some time to cry now and that’s ok. I know I will feel a bit lighter afterwards. 

[run2yamama]

Chapter 23 – R2YM

There are just so many things we have to address as women who are trying to heal because of our absent-mums and their behaviour. Sometimes the link between our problems/complexes and our mother-issues are clear, sometimes they’re really not. I feel that I did have to ‘mature’ at a much younger age than healthy by any means and I do feel that I was exposed to ‘adult issues’ as well. This has lead me to feel different from other women my age, I feel like I’m miles ahead in some aspects (especially in emotional intelligence) and I do struggle with it. I’ve just always felt older, I’ve never felt like a child. Especially now that I know what childhood is supposed to look like. So when I have these moments where I feel like a lost little girl, it is absolutely overwhelming. I feel frightened, vulnerable and alone in the world. My emotions feel out of check and I feel almost like a rag doll? Like I need someone to prop me up in them moments and wipe my nose like a child because I’ve cried that much I’m covered in snot lol. When I feel like this little girl, I don’t know what to do – I just want someone to protect me and walk me through it. This actually frightened the shit out of me before I stopped being so horrible to myself about it. I was just so confused when these moments came over me because as I said – I’m used to getting shit done and knowing where and how to ask for help if I need it. I know by now that I can rely on myself, so when I feel like this – I really do feel like the world is over for me. Which again, is a very “young” way of thinking (rational me knows and understands that obstacles exist and shit happens).

If you can relate to this, please give yourself a break. Being deprived of behaviours/actions that most people receive from their mother is not your fault. Being deprived of hugs, comfort and a solace takes it toll in different ways. When you don’t even realise that there is a link, of course it’s even harder. I need hugs and reassurance and that’s ok. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by what I have endured and it does physically put me in a place of trauma. It’s hard for me to articulate that all I need is a hug sometimes and that sounds silly but if you didn’t experience that growing up it does not come naturally. This is just to tell you, it’s ok and that’s enough for now.

[run2yamama]

If you could go back to tell ‘little you’ who had an absent-mum something, what would it be?

This for me always gets me emotional, whenever I’m around children I realise just how small and vulnerable I actually was. I think about me at that age and I just want to go back and get her - whenever I’m mean to myself internally I think about her and it stops me from being so hard on myself.

I would tell the little version of myself:

- You will come across and encounter many women who will love and care for you in your life, it will be okay without your mum  - One day someone will give you all the hugs in the world if you want them - There were people around you who should have done better by you

- It was ok that you didn’t know what to do, it was not on you

What would you say to the little version of you? This is healing, let’s talk about it.

[run2yamama]

What is a day you wish you could forget in relation to your absent-mum?

*TW* (The below only applies to you if you are at that point of healing, if you’re not please don’t put any pressure on yourself to do the below - please ignore the post for now if that’s the case! It’s ok to not be there yet)

I know it sounds silly for someone to ask you about the one day you hate remembering; I don’t enjoy practicing things like this but I do enjoy the feeling that comes after. There is power in it, I just refuse to hide away from areas of my mind for longer than I need to.

It isn’t something that will feel right or comfortable to begin with but by challenging yourself and practicing it - you will get there! Why should we have to walk on eggshells in our own heads over things we were subjected to as a child?  Days I want to forget:

- When she hit me over and over in front of my friend who had stayed over (nobody at this point knew what was going on with my mum or they weren’t looking closely enough) - I was playing with some dolls and chucking bits about (as children do). Something flew off the doll and hit her in the ankle whilst she was on the phone. That was the first time she used something other than her hands to hit me.