#abilities as trauma
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Oooooo, could you do Yosano, Dazai, Kenji, Kyoka, and Atsushi?
Ps im ngl i always spell "actually" wrong 😣 i type so fast my autocorrect just cant keep up
CRACKS KNUCKLES OBNOXIOUSLY
(p.s. TYPE SLOWER. no jk that's actually so cute patpat it's okay little guy)
disclaimer first: a few of these characters I know very little about past what the anime offered and what my attention span was during their screen time, so forgive me if some of this trauma tie-in happens to be an element that already exists in some fashion (but isn't focused on) that I just didn't catch. Most of the ability stuff is just so fucking confusing and weird that I got used to dismissing any deeper looks into the possible meanings to their characters. REGARDLESS! I'm going to act as if I'm the co-writer of BSD and I have a skeleton of what their abilities/characters are supposed to be like.
other side note, I would make it the world rule of BSD that abilities are born out of either trauma or desperation, not inherent at birth. Each character has a past that involves how their ability was born.
Yosano
Ability birth:
I'd change her past to be that she was Mori's "favorite" (yes, in the inappropriate way) from wherever he met her, and he took her along to the war for company along with the other ability users, hoping to traumatize her enough to create some sort of ability birth in her. I'd make Mori, as a villain, someone who does this to children as a job, basically, unethically creating the birth of abilities by giving them trauma. Every mafia member is either an existing ability haver that he's hired to help him or a child he raised and traumatized to become ability users.
While in the war, Yosano would be a sensitive child obviously who hates seeing the mass deaths, and this would be the trigger for her healing ability to be born, because whenever she sees someone dying, she goes mad trying to save them.
Trauma history:
So she has a fairly traumatic backstory already that I think - out of all the characters in BSD - was portrayed pretty well, comparative to the others. However, with her ability to heal, and the wartime past with Mori arc, I would keep her deeply affected by that past event to the point where she's not proud of being a healer, even though it was born because she wanted people to stop dying. Mori soured that when he abused her ability after it was born to the point that she never wanted to see people revive again just to keep fighting.
Character change:
I would change Yosano to be a morbid character obsessed with death (and give her a metal goth-inspired design) who is dedicated to the idea that death is important, inevitable, and should not be prevented. Death is the ultimate rest, and Yosano would see herself as a perversion of nature who would be hindering that process if she were to heal anyone. This worldview would be entirely based on her experience in the war and how she kept soldiers on the battlefield so long that they went mad and only wished for death to escape their hell.
Relationships:
I would give her a close bond with Dazai because of this, seeing as that would make for some interesting partnerships. I would have her be sensitive to suicidal people because it triggers those memories, and she'd be undecided about whether she'd encourage Dazai in his wish to end things or stop him because she's attached to him.
Arc:
Her emotional arc for change (from refusing to heal to embracing her healing abilities for certain exceptions) could involve some sort of innocent NPC character (say, a child) who has a terminal illness and does not want to die. This could change her mind and she would choose to heal them before the end so that they could live a full life, and then decide that she'd use her healing abilities from then on only when death was an uncontrollable circumstance and an unwanted end, and only to prevent it until the character got the death they preferred. IDK, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
Dazai
Ability birth:
With Mori established as the prime abuser/villain, Dazai would've been born a normal but sheltered boy, neglected by his parents (leading into the sensitivity of being "invisible" or "not human") who comes across Mori somehow and is lured to run away from home (because grooming, and the fact that he receives attention from Mori and thus believes it's "love", becoming convinced his parents don't love him). Then thrust into the mafia, Mori routinely abuses him to get him to form an ability. The focus on his abuse would be sexual and medical. Mori would be curious to see what would form out of someone with the fear of being invisible being told that they're inhuman and alone. He would isolate Dazai and leave him in dark rooms for hours if he showed emotion, and force him to murder and maim other people (or children) to make him as antisocial as possible. This would create the self-eating void of No Longer Human. It would be both a manifestation of Dazai's loss of self-worth as well as a shield against Mori's use of abilities on him to hurt him.
Character change:
NYEHEHEHEHEHEHE MY FAVORITE! Although I usually write Dazai in my fanfics with these elements, just realistic-ized instead of supernatural-based, here's what I'd do for him in the canon, disregarding all fanon portrayals of him as this sort of character, already: No Longer Human is, by nature, an ability that destroys and makes the abnormal "normal". Dazai would be the ultimate contradiction to the "normal", being a human devoid of emotional expression entirely, himself a void to give only other people normality. Basing him more heavily off of his ability's namesake book (and the protagonist, Yozo), Dazai would be in a constant state of severe depression to the point of antisocial behaviors and sociopathic inclinations. Any attempts to help him escape this would be impossible, as his ability is so inherently parasitical that Dazai is subhuman, only able to "cure" others (by robbing them of their abilities while he is in contact with them). I would focus on him as a moral grey, the unpredictable character in the show who'd be more likely to join the villains at a moments notice and forsake our protagonist.
Trauma history:
His trauma history, other than Mori - namely, Odasaku's death - would be a major part of his character. Because of Oda, who was his first and only companion that didn't care about how strange and inhuman he was, died at what he sees to be his own failures, Dazai would think of himself as incapable of human connection without the threat of annihilating either the humanity of the other person or the literal life of the other person. To try and be more simple (sorry I'm so wordy, I hope it's not confusing), I'd say he'd be paranoid of falling into the "trap" of human connection now (thus leading to the antisocial behavior) and would attempt to push people away because he's convinced the past would repeat itself. "Anything worth having will be lost" and all that.
Current behaviors (in relation to the trauma):
Mr. touch-starved, touch-averse. Since his ability is based on contact, I'd make a Dazai who wears bandages not only to cover the egregious self-harm, but to cover up as much skin as possible, because he's convinced it will help him not touch people. I'd add a dash of reverse-mysophobia in there (mysophobia is the extreme phobia of germs) to add to how he feels as though he contaminates anyone he touches because of NLH. Since I'd keep Oda's last wish in his trauma history, Dazai would be in the ADA, but the complete detachment of his coworkers from emotionally caring for him would make Dazai a machine driven by the necessity to carry out Oda's last wish - to use his ability for good. Since he doesn't want to think about his time with Mori or be alone (even though he believes he deserves to be alone), he is staying with the agency out of duty and escapism from himself. His single use is to be a weapon to stop villains from abusing their powers. God, I'm so sorry, I have WAY too many thoughts about how I'd use this for Dazai, I hope it isn't coming out like the jumbled mess I think it is. Anyway, I'd also make him asexual, monotone-voiced, and brooding. He'd be a walking representation of how sexual trauma in particular can affect someone, making them feel worthless.
Relationships:
As mentioned with my version of Yosano, I think I'd pair them as acquaintances who work well together. Dazai likes anyone who thinks he should die, and his suicide attempts would remain a part of his character as well, just treated with actual weight. He interprets Yosano's love of death as a wish for him to kill himself, so when he has the time, he tries his best, but is notoriously bad at going all the way through. I'd give him one thing hindering him: the insatiable wish to not be lonely before he dies. The wish to find one friend to relive his Oda trauma, except this time with him dying happy instead of the other person, thus leaving them to live their life in peace without his burden.
Arc:
The chance to have his wish fulfilled would come in the form of Atsushi. Atsushi being oblivious, socially unaware, and unbothered by how strange Dazai is - as well as genuinely caring about his wellbeing - would trigger those old feelings about Oda, forcing Dazai to unconsciously seek out a repetition of his trauma. This time, however, he'd succeed. Atsushi would become close to him, and Dazai would protect him, and once it got to the part where he's ready to kill himself to relieve Atsushi of the burden of his existence, Atsushi would stop him and make it known how little of a burden he is, and how much good Atsushi sees in him.
Kenji
Character change:
OKAY THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY HARD. Kenji is such a bright character, and for the sake of contrast if I were to rewrite BSD, I would keep him that way, because a story filled with characters who are all as bleak and depressed as each other makes for a boring portrayal of trauma. Because, if everyone has trauma, NOBODY has trauma. Syndrome reference. They all cancel each other out and become far less important. HOWEVER. In a void, if I were to keep Kenji in line with my ability = trauma, I would give him the archetype of "the smiling goofball with the most crushing backstory who somehow made it through and came out the other side without mental illnesses and a love for humanity" if that....isn't too wordy. Does that make sense? Like Vash the Stampede in Trigun Stampede, basically. You'd have no idea this guy suffered until he told you his backstory while grinning ear to ear in the special side episode that you thought was going to be filler. He'd have the "yeah it was rough but I don't mind! I'm just sad for the other people who got hurt!" type beat and there would be 300 fanfics made about him breaking down because the fandom never got to see him cry in canon.
Ability birth/trauma history:
Kenji's superhuman strength would be born out of the landslides incident in his village. I wouldn't make it too deep, really, just your usual natural disaster trauma. I don't remember anything about Kenji's family if they were mentioned in BSD, but let's just say he lived with his family in the village very happily until the landslide incident. One of his family members got crushed under a falling tree (not dead, just trapped and injured), and Kenji's ability manifested out of the desperation to save them because nobody else could. Family member survived but was left disabled for the rest of their life. Kenji would be triggered in current day if he were to see anyone in life-threatening situations, but he would have the fight response and would be confident in his ability to save them.
Arc:
No arc for him, he's emotionally stable and would be there to assist other characters in their arcs!
Kyouka
I love Kyouka's current character type, so I wouldn't change anything about how she's written in the main storyline, BUT SHE DOES HAVE A WELL OF TRAUMA TO DRAW FROM! This is what I'd do with that:
Ability birth:
First of all, Kyouka's backstory is a bit weird to understand in relation to her ability itself, so I would simplify and change a few details, even though I do like some of the elements of its portrayal in the anime. Second of all, I love the Kouyou (I'm trying hard to spell everyone's names right) mother-daughter relationship going on with her, so I'd first of all have to build up my version of Kouyou.
Kouyou in canon wanted to leave the mafia with a man she admired, so let me harp on that by saying her motivation was that she wanted to have a family with him. Classic. Okay, so she fails in that in canon, the man gets killed, and she holds a grudge against the head of the mafia at that time (not Mori). Once the mafia is taken over by Mori, she was involved with the killing of the former mafia leader, so she becomes enthralled by Mori's sick passion and attached to the children he brings in. This is her own perverse version of a family, the only kind she'll get. She forgives herself for being Mori's enabler by convincing herself that she's the refuge for all the hurting children he brings into the mafia. She is their mother figure. To Chuuya, to Dazai, to Kouyou, etc.
Okay, NOW enter Kyouka, the new target of Mori's current attempt to make yet another ability user. Kouyou wants a little girl to take care of (she hates Elise, we all hate Elise), tired of all the boys. Mori preys on this and uses that motivation to convince Kouyou to kill Kyouka's mother and take the mother's place. This will bond her to the child.
Kouyou is all for this. Kouyou would become Kyouka's mother's assassin.
Once in the mafia, Kyouka is not like the others because she's basically a kidnapping victim instead of a grooming victim lured into the mafia. Stockholm syndrome manifests while Kouyou spoils Kyouka, but Mori is ofc determined to traumatize her. However, they underestimate how much smarter Kyouka is than some of the other children, and she is aware that Kouyou is only being kind to her to try and replace her mother. Her ability manifests as a way to preserve her mother's memory. Her ability would BE a ghost of her mother, basically, here to protect Kyouka from the fakers.
LONG WAY TO SAY THAT BUT HEY, KYOUKA HAD A GOOD BASELINE TO DRAW FROM. I would also tie in the phone by putting that into the trauma of her mother's death. During the assassination, Kyouka was on the phone with her mother, coming home from school. Since her mother was attacked while she was apart from her and she heard her mother's death on the phone, her trauma links directly to that, and Demon Snow would have a consistent phone-voice if it were to speak to represent those last moments of her life.
Current behavior (in relation to the trauma):
In joining the ADA and that whole thing, the one trigger I'd focus on would be that Kyouka refuses to talk on the phone with anybody. Everyone who works with her has to work around this, because she's internally convinced that talking on the phone will 1) cause someone to be compelled by her words (since Demon Snow follows phone commands) and 2) make her afraid that person will somehow meet misfortune if they speak over the phone. She'd retain that superstition.
Arc/relationships:
I would make an episode where Kyouka has to overcome her fear of talking on the phone. She'd still be close with Atsushi mainly but I would probably add a dash of Yosano in there as well, helping Kyouka process death as a whole and especially in relation to her mother. I would present a main conflict where Kyouka could put others in danger if she doesn't use a phone (say, a 911 call), and no other character is there to do it for her. She sees how her superstition doesn't come to pass because the 911 call brings only help and solves the situation, and then could grow when she realizes that she's allowed to be angry for her mother's death, and allowed to keep Demon Snow in honor of her memory, helping instead of harming others. She is also allowed to protect herself from harm. Basically Demon Snow would represent the grieving process in some way.
Atsushi
I really hate this guy in canon, I do apologize for how much I'm going to change him.
Character change:
To start, I'm a huge hater of canon Atsushi (as mentioned), but quite a fan of BEAST Atsushi, in comparison. I would rebuild his character based more on BEAST than BSD. Okay, so it's widely tossed around that Atsushi is a good representation of PTSD (he's not, from an officially diagnosed CPTSD haver, I'm sorry, though if anyone who has PTSD likes his representation, I'm happy for you <3 live in peace). I would shift him to be a representation for survivor's guilt. Why this choice? First of all, my changes would already make almost every character a representation of PTSD because all abilities would be a metaphor for PTSD. I'll get into the changes for his backstory to fit this narrative in a second. But I want to merge his BSD and BEAST personalities together. In BSD, he's always making everything his fault somehow and using self-blame like it's a personality quirk. I want to use this, and mesh it with the more serious personality he has in BEAST. He'd remain an ADA member, but he'd be less... comedically brainless. First of all, autism. Yay!!! I love socially awkward characters if they're not overdone, so I would give Atsushi the "not labelled but definitely autistic" character type. Social cues are hard, he struggles to make genuine connections or "correctly" convey his emotions, all that. This would make him a better match-up for Dazai since they would find some common ground in the emotions department, with Dazai being keen on understanding the way others act socially but not WISHING to participate, and Atsushi just not knowing how to participate "properly". He would feel bad about this as a main character conflict, wishing to assimilate into "normal" society better when he feels so alienated. This would also fit his um....unique? eccentric? Character design and haircut. JUST SAYING. The arc (which I'll talk about in a second) would be about accepting himself the way he is instead of forcing himself to assimilate to society, so don't think I'm making him autistic as some sort of derogatory thing. Not at all.
Trauma history:
So I mentioned I would give him the survivors guilt theme. For his orphanage backstory, I would build up the fact that he was "the weird kid" but he really loved the children he was around and desired to connect with them. The abusive caretakers I would tone down a bit to give some more realism to the abuse, because I find the backstory ridiculous and tacky in canon. I'd take inspiration from real life horror houses and camp counselor stories, especially the psychological manipulation of making kids tattletales on each other, essentially, as a way to protect themselves. If anyone does anything "wrong", the kids can earn themselves a day of rest from the abuse by being the caretaker's "pet" and telling them who transgressed. I'd keep the elements of Atsushi being put in solitary confinement situations (but not chained up), starvation, physical abuse and threats to permanently maim any children that ran away (crushing their legs/ankles etc.).
Because of this, Atsushi's personality would form around the desire to be the savior of all the other children. Tokyo Ghoul ahh sentiments like "it's better to be hurt than to hurt others" would be his motto. Self-sacrificing little guy. He would get himself in trouble just to redirect attention from other, more fragile kids, and thus become the main target of the abusers. However, as what usually happens in reality with hero-minded people in groups like this, the abusers would convince the kids that this was because Atsushi thought he was better than them, so the kids would alienate him since it gets them rewards from their abusers and relief from abuse. If Atsushi wants to take the fall for them, by all means, let him take the fall. Atsushi gets blamed for everything. (This is how it can make his current self-blame behavior make more sense)
Ability birth:
Atsushi's Beast Beneath the Moonlight would birth under the extreme stress of being everyone's punching bag. Atsushi, like any victim of abuse, would be bothered at first by the reaction of anger and hatred he has in his heart when kids blame him and when abusers go after him again and again. Even though a lot of this hatred is self-focused, there's a growing rage against the monsters hurting him, and a need to become a monster to hurt them back. Also, the need to fulfill their accusations that he is the monster. AKA "fine, I'll be the villain you want me to be" arc. Atsushi is abused until he hits a breaking point, finally, and can't take it anymore. He accepts that instead of being hurt constantly, he does want to hurt his abusers back, he does want to kill them, and the Beast is born, a trauma holder that is out of his control. On the day of its birth, it destroys the entire orphanage in a blind rage, and Atsushi blanks out during the attack. The main drive of his current story would be him trying to figure out what actually happened that day after waking up where he does in BSD's first scene.
Current behavior, relationships, & arc:
Since Atsushi would theoretically be the main character, still, his ability would stand as more unique since he has zero control of it. This would be because he refuses to process his trauma in the orphanage, only retaining the survivor's guilt about "a disaster happened and I was the only survivor, but I don't know what the disaster was caused by, only that I blame myself". I would have Fukuzawa, Kyouka, and Dazai be the main accomplices to solving this for him as well as emotionally assisting in his arc to accepting what he did and understanding the nature of his beast. It would be a nice way to explore the rage that survivors of childhood abuse retain for their abusers, and how dangerous it can be if you don't process that trauma in a healthy way. The whole goal would be to keep Atsushi from denying that his childhood abuse hurt him and that it was fucked up. The other characters would be motivated to do this because of the disaster that would come of Atsushi losing himself to his beast and going on a rampage.
This is probably why Atsushi in canon makes me so annoyed, by the way, because he had such POTENTIAL with the metaphors to really represent PTSD and trauma, but failed miserably and instead just repeated a single scene on a loop until I wanted to blow my brains out. "it would've been better if you'd just died in a ditch somewhere" is my winter soldier trigger phrase now.
....
OH MY GOD I'M DONNEEEEEE, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO RAMBLE MY ASS OFF!!! Clearly I love the chance to do it, so if you want to give me any other characters (if I didn't make you regret asking), PLEASE FEEL FREE! I would love to see what rolls out of my head with the right prompts! I spend so much time focusing on Dazai that I've forgotten about how much unused potential lies in the other cast.
THANK YOU AGAIN, I HOPE ANYONE WHO READS THIS FINDS THEMSELVES ENTERTAINED! And if it happens to be of any quality, you have my full permission to use this shit for your own fanfics if you'd like, just credit me if you please! I'd never spend enough time on characters aside from Dazai to actually use these ideas, so I'd be thrilled to see what others come up with. Please oh please write me an AU so I don't have to, I want to indulge....
#bsd fanfic#bsd#bsd au#bungou stray dogs#whump#trauma writing#whumpblr#whump community#complex ptsd#dazai osamu#bsd dazai#atsushi nakajima#bsd kouyou#bsd kyouka#bsd yosano#bsd mori#mori ougai#beast manga#sadist’s answered asks#bsd kenji#bungou stray dogs au#headcannons#rewrite#whump writing#whump prompt#whump ideas#abilities as trauma
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“these characters should be mentally healthy before they get together 😌” ummm no I actually think we should smash their mental illnesses together like clumps of play-doh and see what colors it makes
#they should live under each other’s skin in a way that’s weird to everyone else. actually.#also on a more serious note since this is getting notes mental illness does not preclude people from deserving love#or the ability to give and receive it#it also does not make you inherently toxic#sometimes people are just toxic anyways of course#and a lot of people enjoy a toxic ship and are relating that to this and that’s cool!#but like#if you believe that’s the only option you’re wrong buddy#people can be worse together but they can also be better#acting like a character or a person has to ‘fix’ their trauma or what have you to be worthy is. a fucking weird mindset.#but anyways!
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going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:
There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’
like wow babe. good fucking point
#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point#not a shitpost#cptsd#and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer#the truth is i know why i wasn't loved#i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings#i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing#i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance#the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it#i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer#and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!!#because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that!#it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs!#so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't.#when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to#you can look for answers and reasons and explanations#but that's not actually going to FIX your situation.#and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job)#because you don't need answers--you need a new situation#*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*#and yes. walking out isn't always possible.#but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.#stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air#new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust#like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be#when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#wen qing#jiang cheng#Truly Massive disclaimer here: I am a Jiang Cheng enjoyer. I like his character. I enjoy that he is very flawed and volatile.#This episode of the audio drama has a lot of great breakdown scenes featuring JC - and they all deserve a feature.#But underlying this comic is a small meta comment of 'ah man I have too many comics of JC just wailing sadly'#My goal is to draw 6-8 comics per episode - I sometimes have to truncate and cut good scenes out.#Especially when a large majority is just different flavours of trauma and toxic relationships to your self-worth.#I would also like to make a note here that just because you lose the ability to do something that is very tied to your core identity-#-does not mean your life is over. It will feel like the end of the world. It will send you into a spiral of grief. It will hurt so badly.#Sometimes we do not realize how tied up our identities can be in certain things until we are cut loose.#You don't lose yourself. I promise the pain will fade in time. I promise you will find other things to tether you. I promise you will be ok#Life moves forwards. Time moves forwards. You move forwards.#Ego death just means an opportunity for ego rebirth. You are never committed to being the same person forever.#To wrap this around to JC: Yeah I love the twist with the core transfer but man I would have loved to see JC accept the loss.#Obviously it happens for a reason (story) but I can have my AUs. I can have these 'what-ifs'.#described in alt text#I'm trying it out! *please* give me feedback - I want to eventually Add image ID to all of these comics one day
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entertaining the idea of eeveelutions as survivors of their own type. evolving when struck by lightning or caught in a fire/explosion as a way to survive
#pokemon#jolteon#flareon#art#fanart#burning#scars#scarring#eye trauma#<- sorta? just in case#skeleton#ask to tag#myart#eeveelutions#i didnt have time for vaporeon but id like to go back to the idea next week when i can draw again#basically eeveelutions as caught between life and death and harnessing the power of what should have killed them#to evolve and get a resistance to it#and theyre all dual type specter.#the idea is that the lightning strike that hit jolteon still resides within. the flame that burnt flareon down still consumes its body#so theyre always fighting against it. 80% of their focus/energy is devoted to that & bc of it they have poor control over their element#so they cannot deal heavy attacks. but they CAN tank any incoming attack of their own element#basically volt absorb and flash fire abilities#many thoughts to be had here
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Me: hm, I want something to put on the TV as background noise... Huh. Looks like YouTube is recommending something called The Last Unicorn. That's perfect, it's probably some old shitty animation that has aged poorly! I can watch it ironically!
Me, 2 hours later as the credits roll: *crying, cheering, buying the book, composing the songs*
Me, 2 weeks later: So I have compiled all of the quotes from the book that I think could make good tattoos, and also, HOW HAVE I NEVER LEARNED ABOUT HOW THE LAST UNICORN FUCKING SLAPS??? This gay-ass little fairytale fed my soul! Watered my crops! Transed my gender! Can't believe I heard of this story from youtube recommendations, of all places!!
#original#the last unicorn#tlu#peter s beagle#molly gru#schmendrick#schmendrick the magician#two of my favorite characters in anything right there in the center of the story! and I'm glad I saw the film first!#my reading ability has diminished due to trauma disability etc. but it seems like having a visual reference actually really helped!#no wonder i only ever want to read fan fic! turns out reading is not actually Superior to other types of Storytelling. it's just different.#to say otherwise is snobbishness I have been eminently guilty of in my life!#but like it is easier for me to consume tv and movies and that is fine actually. also that's why I'm doing a graphic novel lol#because i wanted to make something i would actually be able to read if i found it at a library. altho the audio book IS gonna be bomb#the audiobook is for visually impaired readers and anyone who wants or needs it! accessible stories for everyone! yeah!!#my gender was already transed but now I've gained an ADDITIONAL gender! which one? I'll never tell 😘#i am so powerful i have so much fuckin gender. my wife has no gender. and she is equally as powerful.#and also she has STUDIED THE BLADE#mostly zoro's blades from One Piece#normally YouTube recommends me shit movies like idiocracy or smth this is like if every day ur cat brought you a piece of rotten food and#then one day it brings you a BEAUTIFULLY ANIMATED TALE FEATURING MY BELOVED TWINK FUCK-UP WIZARD FRIEND AND MY ALL-TIME HOMEGIRL MOLLY GRU#and also it's soft and beautiful and funny and fucking weird!! i wrote melodies to the songs in the books on my ukulele
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I fucking- I can't find it right now, but whichever one of you motherfuckers said Andrew's 'lack of control' was actually just intentionally calculated releases of pressure, that he was always in control when he lashed out because he lashed out in very specific and measured degrees - every single 'too far' was always 'just enough', its just no one else saw the raging volcanic inferno brewing just beneath the floorboards cus they were too distracted by how ear piercing the sound of the tea kettle going off was-
You're so sexy and I love you, but I wanna respond to you in spirit cus I can't find your post babes
We love 'biblically accurate' and 'devil's sacrament' as religious phrases yea? Well, my favorite (aside from 'heated fellowship', a black christian euphemism for fucking nasty) happens to be to 'know' or more specifically to 'know biblically', another word/phrase for fucking someone nasty.
stay with me this is going somewhere i promise pack a bag if you must
The interpretation I was raised with was that sexual intimacy was so vulnerable and exposing of one's most inner authenticity (that which apparently only God had such access to) that sex could make someone Know and See you the way Christ did (yadda yadda, "only fuck other Christians cus they'll be saved and sanctified enough to honor that blessing", yadda yadda) ANYWAY
THE POINT IS
You ever have someone in your life who just,,, saw you? Like, they could take one look at you and just Intuit Through The Vibes that something was up? Like they could just feel your energy and knew what to do or say or whatever? The kind of person who could walk into a room where you're minding your own business, doing something mundane, and they take one cursory scan of your posture and immediately ask "What's wrong?" like,,, what??? why do you ask??? what do you mean 'you can tell', I'm not fucking doing anything???
The kind of being seen for who you are that just leaves you feeling kinda exposed and tender? The kind of thing that leaves you bereft and yearning if you've never experienced it before (or had but lost it) because it feels like everyone only likes different mirages of you?
Andrew and Neil are so Relationship Of All Time because they seemed to See and Know each other like that even before they started locking lips on rooftops.
When Neil said "I want to see you lose control", i'm imagining Andrew probably felt so naked and flayed because everyone assumed he was perpetually losing his grip. On his anger, on his sanity, on reality, on his control. But like,,, Op's Spirit Of Post Long Lost, you were so fucking right. Every bit of Andrew's behavior was carefully calculated and intentionally released packages of what was his True Inner Turbulence that he would never dare release out into the open because that's not a target he's willing to give anyone a chance at aiming for.
Out of control? Andrew hasn't been that since he was probably a tween.
But Neil had never been fooled. From cigarettes and airport pickups to cigarettes and rooftop altercations, not once had he fallen for the mirage.
Without ever having needed to touch him in that way, Neil Knew Andrew. Biblically.
And that's why Andrew simply had to engage him in heated fellowship.
#my religious trauma may have left me with a lot of issues#but it left me with two gifts#one: an obsession with religion and god as aesthetic themes for my writing#and two: a relentless ability to view Andreil through the eyes of worship and devotion#anyway this was a love letter to whomever wrote that original post about andrew's self control#all for the game#andrew minyard#neil josten#andreil
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You spoil us with all the good Dogday and even Catnap content~ What are some cute/fluffy things Y/N does with Poppy and Kissy after they leave factory together? Besides Catnap, do any of them have their own rooms/pair up together? I’m sure Dogday naps often with Y/N, would Poppy do the same?
poppy and kissy share a room (cause they are sisters 😌). they decorate it with cute curtains, drawings, and flowers picked from outside. the two share a king sized bed with cute homemade quilts on it.
y/n and dogday share a room (cause they're basically married).
catnap, if he's alive, sleeps in the barn (cause noone trusts him in the house).
i like to think y/n and poppy are better friends outside the factory than in. there's no hidden agendas after the prototype is destroyed, and they're just allowed to trust each other fully. poppy feels more comfortable asking y/n for help.
poppy and kissy love to help in the kitchen, though kissy is almost too big and poppy is almost too small.
both girls love playing outside the most, simply for the fact that neither had seen real grass nor sunshine up until their escape. though she can't go out in it, poppy loves rain.
everybody gets to nap with y/n. sometimes they all nap together in a big cuddle pile (not catnap, though).
kissy likes to watch birds. there weren't any real birds in the factory, so getting to see all the different kinds that populate the woods (and other kinds of wildlife) is special to her. she likes it when y/n goes on nature walks with her.
kissy will run to y/n if she gets scared or doesn't understand something. poppy helps translate between them. y/n does their best to comfort her.
it's a very common hc, but i like the idea that poppy will request that y/n make her different outfits, or find different clothes for her. wearing the same dress for several decades gets tiring. y/n can sew for the sake of this hc.
im not exaggerating when i say the toys can and will kill for y/n.
#theyre such a cute lil family#their trauma only kinda mucked up their ability to form strong bonds#but they work through it#poppy playtime
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Shallan will find out that Jasnah Kholin has been waiting outside of her hospital room for days, forsaking all of her research just so that she could visit Shallan the second she was allowed to do so, and she’ll still be like “Jasnah probably actually hates me 😔”
#Shallan Davar is a creature made of anxiety and mental trauma#which makes Jasnah want to scoop her up and add her to her collection and take care of her#unfortunately Jasnah is a creature of different kinds of anxiety and mental trauma#and also has a negative ability modifier when it comes to expressing her emotions and feelings#which also unfortunately means that Shallan (creature of anxiety and mental trauma)#doesn’t pick up on all the 10000 things Jasnah does to try to show affection#because she can’t just outright tell Shallan she likes her#which is actually the one thing Shallan needs her to do#they’re a mess your honor#Jasnah Kholin#Shallan Davar#Stormlight archive#Cosmere
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what if. impossibly tender fanart for rarepair with 3 fans worldwide. would you still love me mochiifandom
#this was supposed to be a completely different piece but oh well#also scott is rlly hard to draw that looks nothing like him my bad guys#something about the werewolf ability to heal via touch.... scisaac holding hands and mending each others traumas#srry guys im going through it#scisaac#teen wolf fanart#isaac lahey#scott mccall#punica granatum#edit: fixed his eye bc it was pissing me off
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the mental fortitude and determination it must've taken for kevin to learn to play with his right hand
#my posts#my aftg posts#the foxhole court#aftg#all for the game#kevin day#the trauma of nearly losing his ability to play aka the only thing he /has/#the trauma of leaving the nest and adjusting to a completely different lifestyle#while they were on break he was practicing#probably constantly worrying that riko will find him (he'll kill him if he does)#and wondering what'll happen if he can't play again (they'll kill him for sure)#and six months later he was already testing using his left hand what the fuck!!!!!!!!!#kevin day deserves more love and respect and i will not rest until he gets it
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A brute is rampaging in the Brockton Bay downtown area by my apartment, causing a general ruckus
Me, a thinker 3: Well well well, look at this. Another Brute class thinking that because they are big and strong means they're better than everyone else. Would you be surprised to learn that I'm a thinker? Do you even know what that means buster? My mind is running a thousand calculations a minute to beat you, to turn every move against yourself. Your silly little musclebound tantrum cannot begin to compare to my genius intellect, truly brains are better than braw-
He hits my body once with a single finger, turning me into a fine red mist
#honestly while a lot of the esoteric powers presented in Worm and other superhero stuff are cool#I often find myself thinking that I would prefer to have a straightforward power than anything else#Its a lot easier to do well at villainy when your win condition is Punch Bad Man#not to say that such abilities would be inherently better#but they would certainly be easier to work with#unfortunately being smart or able to tinker doesn't save one from blunt force trauma#maybe if a thinker power let me make lots of money easily or something#alas I am not a thinker I am a doer#wormblr#parahumans#worm#worm web serial
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[ cw: dismemberment / ]
I think a lot about how Leo’s rescue could have easily ended in him losing a leg as the portal snaps shut on the Krang still clutching the limb, or, alternatively, only having Leo’s right arm make it out, still held dearly in his brother’s hand as the rest of Leo is left behind. (The latter hits even harder, as it directly parallels his future self in the worst of ways.)
I think a lot about how so many things could have gone wrong during the course of the movie with even a little bit of a change, but it really is harrowing how much of a coin-flip the entirety of the Prison Dimension rescue was.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#dismemberment /#if literally any part of the prison dimension rescue was different it would have ended Very Badly#mikey came in clutch for doing the impossible in the first place#raph grabbing leo and not once letting go was vital#and donnie directly hitting the krang was essential#hell leo having the ability to reach out at all in the state he was in was a miracle#listen I think about the prison dimension a lot if you couldn’t tell#for the next tags:#strangulation mention /#physical trauma induced mutism /#potential death mention /#potential sibling death mention /#barely it mainly focuses on if he lives but /#I also think about how Leo’s trachea could have easilyyy given out as Raph (krangified) was choking him#can you imagine the last words raph hearing from his little brother being I’m sorry?#he’d likely live as the hamato bros are built different but imagine if he straight up can’t talk again after#the bros having no idea what Leo’s plan is but they suddenly feel him disappear with the portal#or also#imagine all he gets out in his hoarse voice is to beg Casey to close the portal before his family HEARS the sudden silence like a knife#even if he gets saved his voice may be wrecked or even gone for good#what am I writing wait-#also for my point on leo losing his arm paralleling his future self#imagine fate being a thing in this world but a VERY situational thing#imagine it makes it so that leo has to lose a limb#but not just that - it also ties his presence directly with the Krang’s - so if the Krang’s somewhere else…so is he
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Bonus what if for the new game plus universe: What if Greygold was given a copy of their body, and now there are two Greygolds?
After Act 3 with the shapeshifting shenanigans, Greygold would not uh-react well to seeing another Greygold.
Greygold would feel extremely awful if that was not a copy, but the original Greygold of this reality as well. Alternate realities are weird.
#bg3 au#greyg+ au#greygold#this one got a lil dark but hey sometimes shooting first and asking questions second has consequences#On the bright side; Greyg can finally convince Emps to turn them into a squid and obtain their 'gtfo' planeshift abilities again#and Greyg no. 2 can now take over this campaign; give or take a few new 'wtf' traumas#Finally; Greyg is free from this crazy au
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replacement suggestion for people who want the drama of Arahabaki being a voice in Chuuya's head that yearns for destruction and stuff (since canonically it has no thoughts or will of its own and is just raw power):
Picture our Nakahara "I do everything for my friends" Chuuya, Nakahara "with great power comes great responsibility" Chuuya, Nakahara "if I compartimentalize my trauma it can't hurt me" Chuuya.
Picture our guy so raw from using Corruption, or maybe not dealing as well as he thinks with his trauma, or maybe just really tired, or any moment of weakness where you'd want the Arahabaki whispers to kick in.
In those moments of weakness, the Bad Feelings get a hold of him: self-doubt, despair, anger, loneliness. It's so unusual for him to dwell on those things it might as well sound like someone else is feeding him those thoughts. Maybe it adds another layer of frustration. Maybe it does make him want to blow everything up, just to let off some of those feelings.
And maybe in that already bad state of mind, intrusive thoughts enter the field. Things he doesn't really want and things he would never do. Things that make him uncomfortable, things that scare him. He would be able to bring down the Port Mafia. He could kill all those random civilians. He could run away. He already has black holes at the tip of his fingers, he could just destroy everything and leave nothing behind.
And between the very real (but enhanced, put at the forefront) bad feelings and the persistant intrusive thoughts, things might get jumbled in his head. If missing departed friends is real, maybe wanting to get rid of those left is, too. If he's angry at how unfair things have been for him and his loved ones, blowing everything up might be a legitimate reaction. Maybe it really is what he wants? Perhaps that little voice, no matter how scary, is right?
In short: replace "Arahabaki" with "Chuuya's subconscious", for better and for worse. Not to quote Dazai, but: let Chuuya suffer as a human being. Let his struggles be tragically mundane and common.
(and for comfort there's nothing like bringing other people in for a reality check and ground him again)
#something something abilities and trauma and identity and corruption#i know i discussed this with vee dozens of times but i forgot if they ever made a post about it#in any case it's been a while if it was so it's worth bringing up again#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd chuuya#bsd nakahara chuuya#bsd arahabaki#apparently i talk sometimes
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