#a reflection and ramble

[sumiblue]

(pictured: HE <3)

I bought a little aloe plant today.

Every place we lived in when I was growing up had aloe plants, so it seemed a natural and easy choice for my first houseplant in my first flat. The plant display in the Co-Op is right next to the door, so I picked it up, chunky green arms trailing over the pot, and placed it in my basket, carrying it with me while I got my other lumpy, hefty items. Do you see what Problems May Arise from this course of action. Me too, but I did it anyway because I was simply too nervous to do the unthinkable; shattering checkout line normalcy to go, “Oh, one moment” and dashing to get it then. My timidness cost my juicy friend a couple of his limbs, but he’s home now, on my rather bare bookshelf, green and alive. I love him to bits (...of aloe in my shopping bag) and he’s only been here for 10 hours. I keep going over to his corner, introducing him to his new environment and telling him how lovely he his. So far it had been amusing to verbally greet my living room furniture every morning, but it’s a different delight to now natter on about any and everything to this living being who might be hearing me. It scratches that itch to use one’s voice for connection. I have to keep reminding myself, though, that he’s not a new interlocutor, and my search for fulfilling connections should continue.

Loneliness, like aloe plants, has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, though living on my own for the past 3 months has definitely given it a different texture. Not worse, not better, just different. It’s probably due to an amalgamation of a few things. Moving across the Atlantic. The accumulated lessons learned and experiences from 30 years of being alive. Probably not the multi-year worldwide health emergency though...Oh wait.

I imagine most of us have seen article after article about how extended self-isolation during the pandemic has shone a light on how lonely a lot of us are, if it hadn’t caused it in itself. My mum shared an article with me this week, which talks about the fact that, for the very lonely, the solution may not be finding company with other people.

Loneliness isn't just about not being around people. It's been said numerous times that the pandemic and lockdown gave many of us the chance to really examine our relationships. We were forced to be still and listen to ourselves for once, and became more aware of what we were (or weren't) getting out of the socializing we habitually engaged in. I think, in many cases, we realized that while we had company, we weren’t experiencing connection. We started to crave it deeply, and were stymied in our attempts to fill that void because oops, outside could kill you. However, going out to find connections isn’t the solution for everyone, like the article says. Maybe in your stillness you discovered that spending time alone was precisely what you needed, and you started learning how to connect with your Self. Filling your own void. Self-love is healthy! We each have to figure out what fills that gap for our individual puzzles, whether it's solitude, company, a different type of company, etc.

I wonder also if this massive awareness of our own loneliness is sometimes misconstrued with the feeling of grief. Change leads to loss, and if we’ve experienced changing perceptions of our relationships, our selves and our social fulfilment needs, we’re bound to be thrown into a turbulent twisting uncomfortable storm of emotions. And here we’re back to sitting in self reflection innit, asking ourselves, is the name for this storm loneliness? Grief? Both? I don’t think they’re entirely separate, but it may help to identify where you are so you can figure out where to go.

Personally, I do think that my puzzle piece is painted with other people, particularly with shiny deeper connections. Having been isolated for a few years, I’ve found I do need that external input from even light interaction to remember that I am not uniquely horrible but am in fact, in a human general sense, pretty okay! I feel it in the shared frustration with the pensioners at the bus stop because the big blue bastard (affectionate) is 20 minutes late again. I feel it when the cashier wags their finger at me and says “Silly little girl, you must have confused this Appleton’s Rum for apple juice. ID please and thank you.”* In these brief little moments, I get reminded that people Exist. We just Are. We are all complicated and flawed and still wonderful. Not gonna lie though, finding and making those rare closer connections would be fucking fantastic. People around whom I can feel like I’m not the Only One. Unmask with me baybee.

But as a very temporary stop-gap measure, my darling precious aloe boy suits me fine.

*An exaggeration but it fuckin’ felt like this

[ethosiab]

I see a lot of designs out there in which tango has red tinted glasses/goggles (mine included) but I don't think enough of us acknowledge how much that would affect his vision

[erraticreflections]

[solarpunkani]

Listen I’m not saying that *I* have the balls to buy a reflective vest and go off on a roadside or retention pond somewhere and start fucking around guerrilla gardening

But I am saying that the past week I’ve driven past many MANY people in reflective vests either doing roadwork or maintaining roadside shrubbery or whatever and the amount of times I considered questioning what the fuck they were doing is zero and the amount of times I would’ve even had the TIME to question what the fuck they were doing is zero

I saw groups of people I saw someone solo I didn’t question it I just figured ‘eh they’re doing SOMETHING and carried on. Depending on the location you pick, anyone who WOULD Karen up and interrogate you won’t even have the time space or ability to

[buqbite]

My thoughts here mainly revolve around YSA as the mary sue/female lead type character:

She goes from being this perfect woman to. just being a woman. And my idea is that the weight gain isn't there to make her "unconventionally attractive," or whatever other dumb phrase you wanna use to avoid calling someone ugly, but to make her conventionally attractive, yet realistic.

Instead of looking like a skinny waifu character, she looks like a skinny human woman. Her hair swaying in the nonexistent wind isn't as perfect, her magic blush is missing and she has eyebags. She's still hot, just more human.

[gremlingirlsmell]

"i dislike the terms tme and tma" why do you dislike terms that are useful for transfems discussing their systematic opression? do you dislike the terms cis, hetero, white, too? you need to understand that tme & tma are not created to make "new binaries" or whatever, theyre for discussing our real material opression. realize how close you are to saying that transmisogyny isnt "real" or that it "affects everyone". do you also think reverse racism exists, or that homophobia or misogyny targets cis hetero men instead of benefitting them? or do you believe in intersectionality until it's about trans women and transfems, then the intersection of misogyny and transphobia basically becomes meaningless? you "dislike" when transmisogyny is brought up, just as existing?

[boar-cry]

Gear Station is not haunted. No, Gear Station is alive and well.

A bit of an explanation below the cut:

I had this idea at the end of September, and it has had me in a death grip ever since.

I've always had a fascination with stories about haunted houses, of which aren't haunted by ghosts or demons or monsters, but are instead deemed haunted because the House itself is Alive. The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, Anatomy by KittyHorrorShow, House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, just to name a few.

But after a while, it got me thinking; if a House could be Haunted, then what else could? What about other feats of architecture? How about ships or stations?

And if Houses learn to hate because they are abandoned by humanity, can other places learn to love because they are loved by humanity?

Anyways, this is a very VERY long-winded way to say that two of my special interests have combined into the idea of Gear Station itself being Alive and watching over the twins and its other inhabitants. Hopefully nothing bad happens after realizing an eldritch Being is possessing your workplace, and I hope nothing bad further happens after realizing it Knows you! 🫶 surely nothing can go wrong!

[batw1nggg]

i need u guys to know that even though hajime was in the reserve course he Was Not Rich. he couldn’t pay off the tuition. crippling self doubt aside, the reason he accepted the kamukura project was partly because they offered to cancel his debt. a chance at climbing the ladder — the one HOPES PEAK established — came with the cost of either getting lobotomized or falling into lifelong debt before he even reached university. it adds so much to danganronpas messaging about capitalism and it makes me sad when people ignore the financial incentive. hpa were the thing that gave hajime his self doubt issues to begin with, but bringing his debt into this ??? the debt they also gave him ???

[itachanta]

Vash's glasses going glint

[undertalebabbleblog]

Was there every any hope for Dream and Nightmare?

Could they have stayed in their universe, stayed together, stayed happy?

Maybe. But somehow, I can't see it, at least not after the village comes into the picture. They might have been able to stay in their own little bubble forever, but as soon as that outside force exists, the clock starts ticking.

It was Nightmare who couldn't take it anymore. But it could have easily been Dream. Either way, it was only a matter of time. I don't think there was any avoiding it, not really. Not in their situation, not with who they are.

Nightmare. The scapegoat, the dark one, the moon, the night. Tied to his brother by his very name, because even though he wasn't a nightmare, he's Dream's opposite, and that is all he was ever seen as by others. The dark to Dream's light, the negativity to Dream's positivity. Always defined by his brother, even before he was hurt for merely existing. Did he ever really get to be his own person?

And Dream, the golden one, the perfect one, the kind one, the sun. Always so helpful and positive. Always in demand, because who doesn't want to be happy? Their happiness is his responsibility. So he smiles, he helps, he conceals all the stress and sadness and anger and grief. He can't be seen with negative emotions, he can't effect others with his own feelings, he can't let his own feelings or needs or self matter when there's always other people who need him. So he keeps up that sunshine mask, keeps all the clouds and rain and storms locked in the dark where nobody can see them.

You can't maintain masks like that under enough built-up pressure. Eventually, something breaks.

Maybe they still had a chance. Broken things can heal, after all. Maybe they could have helped each other, grown, figured out a way to make things better.

Or maybe they were doomed from the start.

All I know is that if one didn't break, the other would have eventually.

[yonpote]

@isolatjon sent me this and it FUCKING KILLED ME

original

[kkoct-ik]

painty doodle from earlier this evening

[bunnygirllover45]

Tip for all artists: if your art starts to feel off and you are not improving it means that your eyes have evolved artistically but your hands didn't. By that I mean that you're better at analyzing but not at drawing. Don't get discouraged if you feel like everything you draw doesn't look good, eyesight evolves faster than learning how to do things properly, so it's easier to spot errors in your art before even learning how to fix them. If you learn and improve your ability will catch up with your critical eye and you'll be at a comfortable spot with your art again. I feel like i'm saying a bunch of nonsense rn but I SWEAR this is real.

[erraticreflections]

[lonelystarbuckslover13]

Do you guys ever think about how crazy it must feel to be the girl who started 123 let’s go bitch??? Like she just said something funny at a concert once and posted it online, and now she’s started a fandom tradition that millions of people participate in across the world, and even 5 years later ​we all still scream it at every show and Taylor quotes it on social media??? THAT’S a real fucking legacy to leave

[gayghostrights]

thinking about John Doe and the dark world as a metaphor for addiction/relapse.

How circumstance and trauma pushed him to do something he told himself he’d never do again, and how he has to live with the consequences and the memories, even though he’s working to not be that person anymore.

And how much shame he carries about the things he’s done, because even if he was pushed to do them, he still did them. To him, he still made that choice, and he has to bear the weight of that.

Thinking about 43, in particular, where the witch is trying to tell John that all he was is all he’ll ever be. That, despite the work he’s put into bettering himself, he’ll only be seen as his mistake in the eyes of some.

And it just feels really meaningful that Arthur’s love is what saved him, in this context. That being forgiven and loved unconditionally, even though he’s made mistakes and hurt people, is how he can cope with the memories of what he’s done. It’s how he can stop himself from slipping back into being someone he doesn’t want to be, even when it’s hard.

love isn’t what makes him better, but it’s what makes him want to work to be better. It doesn’t undo what he’s done but it allows him to live with it.

I just think it’s interesting to read this as an addiction narrative, because so often addicts are dismissed because they’re addicts. Regardless of how much we’ve healed or how far we’ve come, there are some people who will never see beyond our addiction and will force their perspective onto us. Some people hold no compassion for us because they think we’ve made the choice, and think that the harm that resulted from that “choice” makes us unredeemable.

and to see John receiving Arthur’s support and love despite what he’s done, or what he was pushed to do, really reflects how important support is to recovery. Arthur doesn’t absolve John of his mistakes, he doesn’t dismiss the harm he caused, but he doesn’t hold it against him. He knows John is more than what he’s been, he knows John is capable of change and a good person in spite of it, he knows John is capable of being better. Only John can do the work of becoming who he wants to be, but Arthur’s love and support makes the work a little more bearable.