#a part of me sees space as a way to heal my inner child too

[muontron]

A lot of people are upset or disappointed that modern science in astronomy is not so advanced yet to do all the cool hypothetical sci-fi stuff that we want to do—(intergalactic space travel, for instance, is a big kicker.)

So many people are so upset about this—the fact that we, as a species, inherently yearn to explore the vastness of space, but can’t because of , well—reality. And I understand that. But what really upsets me is that, This in turn, detaches people from Astronomy. Makes them think it’s boring-that there’s no POINT in doing all of this for space because it doesn’t directly seem to benefit us. And although I have many qualms about that statement, that isn’t the reason why I’m typing all of this out.

Listen— humanity is at that part of discovery and learning and innovation that what we can accomplish is—in my opinion, in its own right better in some ways— than what is the preconceived notions of what “advanced” humankind is supposed to look like.

Sure, we can’t fly a rocket to the Andromeda Galaxy, or terraform mars and live there, but you know what we can do?

Look at universes, other worlds, from long before the word “human” even MEANT something. See the distant past as if it was right in front of us. Send rovers and satellites and flybys to planets to send us data so we can do research on what COULD be there. Anyone can research about the universe if they so wished to, and all this information is available to anyone that chooses to accept it. …and, It always has been. Humanity has always looked at the stars for answers, whether that be scientific, religious, or spiritual—and I think that’s beautiful in its own right.

You will always have the choice to enjoy Astronomy— it’ll be there anyways, forever. You don’t need to be there-there to love it, because you’re right where you need to be. you just need to look up.

[justzawe]

interview | zawe ashton

Actor, director and writer Zawe Ashton has no interest in being perfect. Drawn to the messiness of being a villain, Ashton uncovers the heartbreak behind the anti-hero as she takes on the role of the formidable, Dar-Benn, in Nia DaCosta’s The Marvels. Relishing the chance to make “her-story”, Ashton and DaCosta bonded over literature and their joint vision for an empowered, all-female, ethnically diverse ensemble. The lack of diversity on screen wasn’t lost on Ashton growing up as an aspiring actress – the ability to rectify that and heal her inner child is a mission Ashton is grabbing with both hands.

The vastness of the Marvel realm means most actors in Hollywood have their Marvel audition story. For Ashton, there had been previous close encounters, narrowly missing out in the latter stages. But with DaCosta, it was different. Ashton recalls, “We bonded over literature. Nia wanted to make a very small movie based on a Jane Austen novel and I was absolutely into this so we talked for a good couple of hours. But instead, what ended up happening was her asking me to play a villain in this movie… The process was so natural, I didn’t have to think so it made my goal really clear to serve Nia’s vision. Being part of this piece of “her-story” with the youngest black woman to direct a Marvel film felt extremely important as a moment in my career.”

A departure from her traumatic high school physical education lessons, Ashton felt empowered by the experience of getting into physical shape for the role, all while transitioning into motherhood. “It ended up being transformative. The entire stunt team I worked with touched my heart in such a deep way… They helped me realise a physical world so far removed from botched PE classes that had made me think that I couldn’t be a physically strong person. It was very powerful.”

It was also the opportunity to set her inner child free on set that made the transformation into Dar-Benn so liberating. She enthuses, “Having the inner child run wild was the best – and scariest – part of this film… I had to play which most of us haven’t done since the sandpit. So indulging in that was a very unique experience to have in front of thousands of people. But it was so fun – I honestly loved every second of it.”

But it was her character’s vulnerability that Ashton sought to capture. “Anti-heroes have always been attractive to me. As a child, I was drawn to the reasons for why they did what they did. So I was always really satisfied when we got to see their vulnerabilities that helped us to understand them.” And while egos often get in the way, Ashton had no qualms playing the villain. “I honestly feel like the responsibility to be the hero would be too much on my shoulders. I’m very comfortable in a space where I don’t have to present as perfect, where I get to be a bit messy or a bit frightening or a bit off centre… I always find that a very interesting journey to see why someone on the outside wants to carry out what they want to carry out.”

Despite history being made with The Marvels, Ashton isn’t shying away from debates around wider representation across the film and TV industry. She considers, “Being part of a completely female driven cast is really important – bringing different ethnicities to the screen heals the inner child within me. I think back to myself as a young girl looking to film and entertainment and not seeing a broad spectrum of representation, and how that was more damaging than I could have realised or vocalised at that age. So being part of something that makes another little girl not have to experience that is very moving.”

And while she’s hopeful for the future, Ashton knows there’s still a long way to go. “I think the scale is tipping. But there is still a huge amount to do to truly, holistically balance out the things that need to be balanced out to have a healthier industry. I feel very grateful to at least be on that road and be part of the conversation… There are so many voiceless people out there, who should probably have the mic instead. But this industry is extremely powerful in terms of how we interact with it. So I’m really aware that I have this platform because of the work that I do.”

Not content with shaping conversations on screen, Ashton is also changing the narrative through her work as a writer and director. She muses, “There are a lot of stories that are brewing inside of me that I’m desperate to get out… You get to a certain point in life where you have this incredible vantage point over a huge portion of your lived experience that you can’t really access while you’re still living it. One of the benefits of aging is that your creativity really can deepen. You have even more life experience to draw from and more creative ways of looking at that life experience. It’s another way for me to process life.”

With so many stories to tell, one character that remains a cherished favourite is the enigmatic, if not slightly deluded, Vod from Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain’s, Fresh Meat. Ashton enthuses, “I cherish her as a character so deeply. I cherish the team that helped bring her to life – all the amazing production and design team who were all part of bringing her weird and wonderful world to life. Often as an actor you can be known for a role that has a small trauma attached to it, so the character becomes an avatar that you feel slightly trapped in because how you view the character isn’t how the audience see the avatar, so I was lucky. It’s one of the biggest achievements in my career so far!”

As Ashton continues to find her voice both on and off screen, she’s discovering new realms of possibilities.

[littlerabbittarot]

Healing Your Inner Child — Shadow Work

I love how using cards can be a springboard for self-exploration. You’re not alone trying to dig through your thoughts, you have a friend at your side guiding you.

Shadow work is a way of getting in touch with your unconscious, the parts of you that are more hidden and unknown. Often this can be darker aspects, but not always. However, I find it to be an important practice, as there can be answers there that you can’t easily find otherwise.

For this post, I thought we could take a step into another one of my spreads and do some shadow work together. Feel free to read through and save it for later, or take this time to breathe, make space, get out your journal, cards, and explore.

Regardless if you follow along with your cards, I do highly recommend using a journal, one that is for your eyes only. That way, you can feel free to be as open and honest as you need to be.

It’s not always immediately recognizable that what triggers or upsets us not only has a long history of hurting us, but goes all the way back to when we were children. Being so young and helpless, children rely entirely on their guardians for everything. And if we are not provided something, or maybe provided for too much, it can lead to issues years and years down the line — well into adulthood. Being able to find the source of that pain is how you can begin healing.

Let’s walk through an example reading with this spread. If these cards spur something in you, by all means pause reading and journal your thoughts.

Deck: Green Glyphs Tarot

What pain are you experiencing right now? — The Sun

This card is typically referred to as the ‘joy’ card, and here with this deck, it is quite literally bursting with happiness. As optimistic and positive as this card may initially feel, we are looking at a negative position in this spread. What are the darker sides of this card?

Perhaps you struggle with finding joy in things. You might grapple with finding the ‘half full’ perspective and lean pessimistic. There can be wonderful things happening in your life, but you always seem to look for the worst. “I got a job promotion, but the added work is frustrating and there are a lot more hours,” vs “I got a job promotion, and the pay raise allows me to travel abroad for the vacation of my dreams!”

It can be quite painful to feel like you don’t deserve happiness, or maybe you are frightened of what would happen if you just let yourself be happy. If you’re so used to feeling depressed all of the time, that’s the life you know. Happiness is foreign, and what could happen if you’re just happy, with no weight of depression on your shoulders at all? That’s the life you don’t know, and what you don’t know can be scary!

Where in your childhood does this pain stem from? — Ace of Cups

The suit of ‘Cups’ deals with emotions, and all aces are the beginnings of the suit. The very start of an emotional journey. This issue may go back to the very beginning! Even beyond your earliest memories.

If you had parents or guardians who were insufficient in acknowledging your joy, you may have felt pressured to suppress it. Children often have more extreme and dynamic emotions compared to adults, and during times of great joy, you might have been ignored or even punished. The pleasure you felt in reading a wonderfully adventurous book, earning a special reward at school, painting a beautiful artwork — all very exciting things, might’ve had underwhelming reactions.

Maybe you grew up in a home where your guardians were constantly stressed. They themselves struggled with finding joy, and just like the phrase ‘monkey see, monkey do’, children very often pick up the habits of those around them. You learned from your parents that happiness is short-lived, and instead of something to sit with and feel deeply, you became accustomed to jumping to the next thing, leaving it behind.

How can you heal from this pain? — Two of Cups

I do love how this particular spread worked out. With the ‘Two of Cups’ here, you can see this as the next step. There are no big actions you need to rush to take. The two quite literally comes right after the ace, you can view this as a healing process, one to take your time with.

The ‘Two of Cups’ is an emotionally pairing card, as in, a union or partnership. Not necessarily a relationship partner or marriage, but anyone you feel emotionally connected with. This could be a great time to lean on a friend, loved one, or relative. Maybe have a one-on-one chat with your parent/guardian about this issue. Gently and open-mindedly asking questions about your life growing up, how things were for them, and see their perspective. It could give you answers for what’s happening with you right now.

Finding a trusted person to confide in can help your inner child feel listened and acknowledged. A lot of pain can come from our inner child feeling unheard, and by just giving them an ear, you open the door towards healing and growth.

So go ahead, write in your journal. Take inspiration from this example reading, use your own cards, or free-write. But write!

Ask yourself: How can you support your inner child?

— 

Thank you for reading! I hope to continue to blog about tarot, mental health, and similar topics. Feel free to follow, or support me on Ko-Fi.

-LR🐇

[qarn]

I think I'm finally healing from my trauma

Ive made breakthrough after breakthrough lately in my healing journey & i truly feel & believe that i am healing. i feel it somatically in my body even. i feel calmer. my body feels lighter, less tense, less uptight. still working on that though, not 100% there.

i spent my entire life running from what happened to me when I was a child, and I have finally learned to face and it and deal with it in a really profound way. I felt it. I let myself feel the emotions, the fear, the panic, the pain, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the ANGER, God only know's I have had enough anger for a lifetime. I let myself feel it all, and I still am, I don't feel 100% healed or finished in my journey (its likely lifelong), but I truly broke down a wall that I had kept inside of myself, between myself, for the first time in 24 years. I see myself, my inner child, and we have grieved, God we have grieved, and I have nurtured her, and I am nurturing her, and giving her everything that my caregivers could not give me. Safety, consistency, unconditional love, patience, empathy, space, time, compassion, understanding, respect, and equality. She deserves that more than ever, and I am truly giving that to myself now, and she is so thankful.

Internal Family Systems - (IFS) - The therapy technique that has helped me heal & feel & move on

I have 2 primary family members (parts) of myself inside who include my 4-5 year old, and my 7-8-9-10 year old. There are other parts of me / my internal family system as well, but others are less burdened and less traumatized than these two tough ones. I've had to reparent them in ways that I wasn't & it's been profoundly difficult but cathartic & beautiful. My 4-5 year old self so badly needed to have a secret taken off of her chest and to be seen and heard and to be told that she is safe now SO badly. I cannot believe how long that little baby girl was sitting inside of me, terrified, alone, confused, sad, heartbroken & abandoned. She is so happy to be seen and heard now, and I feel the tension and fear in my body starting to dissipate. I can protect myself now, and I will, for the rest of my life I will, & my inner child truly knows and believes and trusts me to do that. She trusts me, which, was something very difficult for her to do after our big trauma (she couldn't trust anyone fully). But here we are, learning how to find safety & trust & respect in ourselves/myself. It is possible. Healing is possible.

My next big mountain within myself to heal & unburden my 7-10 year old self. She is PISSED yall, but, not as much as she used to be, because she is also starting to feel less burdened by having to be the only one who could protect herself/us, the only one who had boundaries that she profoundly and courageously defended against her mother & everyone around her, on a daily basis. We have a lot of talking to do her and I. But I see her, and she knows I do, and I'm ready to feel the pain/hurt/anger/disappointment/confusion/etc of that time in my life too, to move on and heal, and become the beautiful fully integrated whole woman that I am destined to become.

One day at a time

sept 28, 2024

[lobeliatheflowerr]

This is my Small Space<3

{a poem i wote abt my little space<3)

As the sounds get loud and my head spins as the stresses of the real world and my real mind get to be too much I begin to descend into a place much smaller than i A place where colors are brighter textures much softer and where i notice the little things Like the way one bird sings if different from another. The real world is dull and loud The sounds of reality are harsh and jaring and loud Much the opposite of the dull depressing colors that spark no joy But when things get small all i see is beauty and joy The innocents i didn’t get to have The innocents i wish to regain Here in the small space of make believe i get to heal a smaller inner part of me A part of me that was beyond gone by the time i turned twelve I find myself returning to this fragile state of comfort and beauty often Here i can giggle without worry of showing my teeth Dance without fear of judgment And play pretend and not decide delusions

Here stress can be released from my mind temporarily While this space if filled with colors and giggles i wish i could say it was all happy sunshine This space also has puddles from my tears When life gets to be to much i find myself becoming a child again Crying and unable to verbalize my woes Cryings and screaming that i don’t wanna go back I used to represses that part of this little space because i felt it didn't fit with the rest of the space but now i see it’s better not too Holding tears and tantrums back is like holding back a tsunami Holding the tears in and refusing to acknowledge them or let them go makes the stress worse when i come back to the dull colors and loud noise Now i understand that i’d rather stand in a puddle of tears in this small space than stand in the mess i make of dull reality  when i repress woes like i did weeps Because those small space wraps are the essence of my woes finally finding a form of  freedom from repression When real life gets too loud to jarring To dull and depressing i find myself back to this room of escapism This room i go to to escape stress and breakdowns And in this room woes escape the borders and walls in broken weeps This room has rainbows and toys and fun but also puddles of the forced forgotten tears The walls hold giggles and weeps of all kinds and of all times

As the sounds get loud and my head spins as the stresses of the real world and my real mind get to be too much I begin to descend into a place much smaller than i A place where colors are brighter textures much softer and where i notice the little things Like the way one bird sings if different from another My little space is this one true space space that will always remain whenever i need it Rather for weeps and woes or for fun and forgetting

(banner cred; @tinyowlet)

[greghatecrimes]

why are you afraid to show the parts of yourself? why do you hide behind a fictional character instead of expressing yourself?

I originally wasn't going to answer this because it felt a little too personal for a "silly goofy" House MD sideblog. Then I realized that my answer to this question is something that the me from a few years ago would have been desperate to see/read and would be really reassured by. So in her honor, for her and others like her, I'll share.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the tone here is genuine curiosity. When you spend time in a place where showing your emotions doesn't feel "safe", you learn to find other ways to express yourself in order to survive. Children naturally do this via play, in both safe and unsafe environments. For them, it's a way to process and regulate complex emotions that might be too big for them to fully comprehend on their own just yet. It's quite helpful for developing positive coping strategies and problem solving skills.

Doing something similar as an adult– vis-a-vis processing emotions via writing or art, instead of play– can have a lot of similar benefits, even though in some cases it has quite a different origin than the normal emotional development we see in children. A lot of people have spent time in a place where their showing feelings, interests, or needs just wasn't possible, for a variety of reasons. In those situations, one can learn very quickly that a way to express everything they truly feel– with all of the intensity, all of the good and the bad and the ugly– is by giving those feelings to someone else. For example: a fictional character. That person becomes a means by which you can express yourself and process potentially triggering memories and feelings while also holding them at a bit of a distance. It keeps you safe– the "unsafe" emotions aren't connected to you in any way, so there is far less risk of negative reaction from outside parties. It can also be a sort of "scaffolding" as your brain works through emotional processing that keeps things from becoming too overwhelming. You might call it hiding; I prefer to see it as letting my inner child have some "play therapy", in a way.

All that to say: creating from feeling is natural. Almost every writer or artist tucks pieces of themselves– both good and bad– into their work, regardless of if it's fanwork or an original project. It's part of being human. What's also part of being human is we, as observers, finding those little glimpses of vulnerability and connecting with them; relating them to our own thoughts and feelings and struggles. For me, I connect with Thirteen. Relating her thoughts and feelings to my thoughts and feelings is reassuring to me. As far as coping mechanisms go, it's all fairly adaptive and healthy. It's not hurting anyone, and in a majority of cases it's not stunting one's emotional growth or healing. While someone on the outside might see it as "hiding", or assigning feelings to a fictional character to avoid feeling them, I can assure you that there is always going to be a lot more going on under the surface that outsiders don't have witness to. I can express my feelings unburdened in the places where I most feel safe, with the people that I love and trust; those places are most often just a little more quiet and private than my tumblr. When life gets stressful, comfort characters and 'writing as play' just provide an extra soft space to land on top of what I already have in my support system. Seeing other people do the same in their writing and art has really helped me in the past. So I publish my work in the hopes that maybe it can be a beacon of light, or a little bit of support, for someone out there, too.

If you'd like to talk more about this, I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have. I'm also happy to answer more specific questions/provide more specific responses in my DMs.

[warmbottles]

Hi I've a question, how do you get over shame with regards to regressing?

I regress unintentionally and always feel extremely sad and hate feeling that way during it. I assume childhood trauma and a build up of stress around the time when it happens. Finding this Tumblr community helps make me not sad during regression and then I snap out of it.

I don't feel pride or joy in my regression. I also don't have anyone to talk to about this? I'm older than everyone else on here in their early 20s. I'm old, I'm married. My partner didn't sign up for this and is uncomfortable with helping me or 'caregiving'.

I am too ashamed to admit this to anyone even my therapist.

Hi,

First off, I want to say that you're very much not alone. I struggle with shame/guilt when it comes to my regression and it's a very hard thing to deal with. There are not very many agere safe spaces that I know of, aside from Tumblr, so that can make the shame and guilt feel even bigger because we don't have spaces to talk about this very vulnerable part of ourselves.

I think it mainly comes down to reassuring yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. Even if you only feel sad and upset during your regression, it's okay to feel that way. It might be uncomfortable and frustrating, but if that's how you feel and that's how you cope with big emotions, then that is okay. I think a lot of us get stuck on the narrative that regression needs to be happy all the time, but for most of us, that's not the case. Especially when it comes to processing childhood trauma.

I understand how isolated you must feel in regards to your age. I'm in my upper 20s and a lot of the regressors around me are in their early teens. I think it also adds to the shame and the guilt of it all when we don't see others our age coping in the same way. But that doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong. How we cope is perfectly normal and healthy.

Lastly, I think you should bring this up with your therapist. You don't have to, but I think they might be able to give better advice than I can. Not every therapist will know about regression (mine doesn't) but most know about inner child healing. It'd be worth a shot to at least talk a little bit about it, maybe they'd be able to help.

I'm really sorry if my advice wasn't that great, but like I said, I still struggle with shame myself so I haven't quite figured out how to get past it yet. I really want to thank you for asking this, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night. Take care.

[thecosmicangel]

🔮Libra the next 2-3 months predictions & messages part 1🔮

⭐️Breaking contracts ,Controlling , restricting limiting relationships, & emotional patters

⭐️ making new plans

⭐️Boost of Passion , drive, creativity

⭐️Discovering your limitless potential

⭐️Receiving clarity , emotional creative blocks are being removed

⭐️Becoming aware of your potential new energy comes when you follow inner guidance towards success

⭐️Something you have decided to act on is about to hit it off and start forward momentum

⭐️A new business or project is beginning to work and you are seeing positive progress

⭐️A new beginning full of optimism, creativity , fun , joy after a period of healing and being in a low mental state or energy

⭐️If you felt misaligned or not in alignment with your higher self you are about to receive signs or be pushed to move into alignment

⭐️If you were feeling unsafe or unstable in your life this feeling is about to change , you will begin to feel comfortable and confident again

⭐️Work on your self esteem , confidence and root chakra - you need attention and healing work on your foundation- stability - structure - boundaries- inner child- discipline. You can possibly be having fears of losing your safety and security or having family

⭐️problems or just tension around family or home life.

⭐️Know that any problems at home are being resolved and you will be experiencing sunnier days at home

⭐️your home life or energy at home has been clouded by stagnant energy could be beneficial to take a walk or take some time outdoors to bringhten your mood or help you receive clarity ,

⭐️cleanse & protect your space

⭐️Reaarrenge you furniture , deep clean your home , or just spice up your home and decorate , paint a wall or add small changes around home or room for a creativity boost and physical change can help your get out of stagnancy or laziness. Find ways to help you be more creative & connect with your inner child , have some fun and stop taking life so seriously it’s not that serious!

⭐️Find balance once you get your groove back, try not to lose you routine or new burst of energy. Continue this forward movement towards but go at a pace you are comfortable with, remember that everyone is on different clocks you don’t gotta be on everyone else’s timing. You aren’t losing out on anything or too far behind in life you are right where you need to be.

If you would like a more personal reading, I am now offering $15 readings for the month of July . Dm me for more info or follow my IG.

Follow me on IG

@_thecosmicangel

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Disclaimer! Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

⚠️This is not to be taken as professional medical or legal advice always consult a professional for advice or help.

[everyday-rebellion]

Will I ever not be a lover? He may not be able to love me but I will never stop showing this man love, he deserves it more then anyone, to be shown and cared for properly, fuck every person that ruined that for him I'm so fucking angry that they hurt him and it left him so hurt and scared he can't feel anything genuine without fear, I was so scared of my own attachment issues but pushed through them to be the best for him and meet his needs

I'm not trying to fix him I never was, I just loved him the only way I ever was shown and that's unending, forgiving, caring, from the heart I don't sugar coat anything

I hate that my parents divorce triggered my abandonment issues and I closed off and got scared he'd abandon me too even still hell reassure me but It doesn't feel genuine, I got so desperate Tring to fix it that only pushed him away more, I only ever wanted my safe person and I was terrified I was loosing him too, my family was the last thing I had together in life even if disfunctional, my inner child came out for him and his came out too and that's the scary part, we both never had that before, were both scared, were both dealing with so much outside of us, but we still feel a pull toward eachother we still want to love eachother we still look into eachothers eyes and see calm, love, beauty, but the fear of the future and unknown clouded the path for love and connection

He wants to go no contact he keeps pushing and pushing away and self sabatoging but I still love, I still support, I still make sure he's okay, I'm never going to abandon him or use his feelings against him, I only ever wanted to make a safe space for him to feel loved and cared for, I want to be his safe person again, I'm so upset everyyhing got ruined I just want to have my love back, my heart full again, feel noticed, cared for, held, nurtured like he use to do, I don't know where it all changed I don't know how to go back, I don't know how to keep feeling like this,

I just want to be loved for who I am, when I finally showed myself to him, and opened up, he left. How to I keep loving, why do I keep loving, how to I live with this tie to his soul

"I wouldn't be with you if you started hrt or were trans" so I hid it away from that day on, trying to be who you wanted me to be, changing because even you didn't want me for who I am, just a pre conceived idea of what you wanted and when you got too close you ran away with my heart in your hand, I though you, out of anybody else, wouldve understanded when you were the first person I ever told that too, I only ever want to live as my self now, never go back to the man I tried to pretend to be, so I will go on, holding onto the fond memories of what we once were, giving you the space and time you need to heal and hope that one day our souls will be on a parallel path once again. Forever and always I love you

I don't know how to go on feeling like I've been abandoned again,

[inthiseternalmoment]

Crying in Tokyo

Feelings have been coming up about how I felt the need to hide my sexuality starting in this country before I ever did so in the US

4/27/2024

I just cried as emotions have been coming up from being here. Being surrounded by people who smell different and yet completely familiar has been confronting, especially when they’re men. I think my child self has been left behind here in someway.

Growing up I was already different by being multiracial and multicultural, but adding being quietly gay underneath all that I think was too much for my kid self to handle. I had to compartmentalize everything best I could, and those parts of myself are starting to coming back little by little.

I was worried that A’s joke responses to my verbalized interest in the men around here were coming from an inner disgust she had with me but that has never been the case. Yet I feel that for myself.

I think to cope with how I grew up, I had to really hide my sexuality as deep as I could because I was already needing to hide other parts of myself to varying degrees.

I just had a moment where I visualized hugging my inner child/adolescent who had all these feelings and felt absolutely no one would understand them or him. But I do.

He felt unloved and undesirable in 2 cultures, 2 countries. So it’s not surprising that this is coming up now that I’m here. I feel I’ve already started the healing work of this aspect of myself when it came to my experiences in the US, but now I think it’s time to incorporate how this connects to my even earlier experiences in Japan.

As a kid I know I had immense attraction to my male peers growing up, and felt that there was absolutely no one or no where that these feelings would be valid and lovable.

And here I am at an older age finally realizing that I have felt unlovable and undesirable for so long in more ways than I realized.

The work of healing is so long and difficult, and just when you think you’ve understood the extent of the healing work you must do, your awareness of your wounds grows larger and it feels like I’m back at square one again.

I know that’s not the case, but it feels like it is when I’m hit with these things.

As a love letter to myself at every age, I need to say this:

I love you. I love you endlessly and unconditionally. Your attraction to the same sex is valid, relatable, and tough to deal with on your own when you feel different enough already.

You don’t need to hide these feelings deep within you anymore, because I’m here to feel them with you. I’m here to navigate everything with you. You are safe with me. You are taken care of with me. You can trust me because I know exactly how you feel.

I am you. That’s as close as you could possibly get to someone. So please know you're not alone and that it’s literally impossible for me to ever leave your side because there is no separation between us, only the illusion of that sometimes.

I’m breaking that illusion. You’ve been needing my help and love and support for so long, so I’m here to give it all to you. There’s nothing dirty or unlovable about you. There never was, and I appreciate that you did your best to manage this on your own but those days are over. We’re in this together now, always and forever.

You have a direct line to me always and forever, and there is nothing that could ever possibly change that.

Thank you for living life the way you have so far - we’re going to usher in a new life that incorporates everything you experienced before and expand it into more love energy.

I see, feel, and hear everything you do, so you’re never alone. Please continue to talk to me because I have an infinite space within me for you to fill.

I love you.

[itstimaaa]

i hope our heart never get attached to what’s not meant for us again.

I remember i used to randomly throughout my day thank Allah for him, I used to be like “Alhamdullilah i gave it a chance, he’s literally the safe space and comfort my heart longed for”. Just being with him everynight was healing my inner child and genuinely bringing me so much happiness peace and security. I loved him to pieces, if only he knew.

Feeling wanted, calling texting me throughout the day spending my break times together laughing cuddling up in my bed to talk to him about nothing, having him check in when i got home. His face lighting up when he spoke to me, the sweet words all felt like breaks to my nervous system like no matter how difficult a days been i was loved and cared for.

But slowly the other girls and the distance and the less communication brought doubts and confusion to my heart. The not wanting to commit took away my sense of security with him and all that together made me anxious, paranoid and closed off with him. I was meaner and dry, i would speak to him and flashes of his past mistakes he did again and again would come back and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being played and disrespected.

I felt like maybe he didn’t love me how ive grown to love him, despite him falling in love first maybe i fell harder with time? I thought to myself am i not worth the commitment? Have i been used while I was fun to be around and then left when I wasn’t? Used when i had the house to myself and seen less when it wasn’t? Did he leave because he saw the darker parts of me and loved me less because of that? Was my biggest fear of being too much or a burden coming true? Did i make myself loose my safe space and my person?

I thought to myself so why am i so triggered by his Instagram followings and distance and i realized I’m scared of loving someone so much just for them to hurt me like my dad did. He cheated and left and throughout our whole relationship I had to be perfect to gain his love and the minute i wasn’t he’d leave, idd have to perform for love it wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t want to feel like I had to perform for his, I wanted him to see the hood and bad and love me regardless. And I don’t mean just accept the bad things, no the bad things will be worked on but atleast love me through it.

But the fear of the person I loved mirroring the person who scarred me is so deeply etched into my heart it was spilling out without me even realizing it at first. And when i did i told him and i felt like a freak. I felt like i was broken and i begged him to understand and just not trigger that pain in me, to please just protect me from that but he stood on it and even went on to follow that persons sister. Something so little and meaningless to him, destroyed me because to me it represented something much bigger. That he didn’t care to protect my heart even after I told why something bothered me. And now I’m crying while im typing because why was doing that worth hurting me that much, am i that worthless?

with all those questions and doubts lingering in my heart, with all that anxiety and heartache he left on ft at 2am when i was at work.

Ya Allah please protect our hearts from men who don’t care about us, please don’t let us get attached to people who aren’t meant for us. I don’t know how I’ll recover honestly I cry myself to sleep everynight, on my breaks at work, on my way to work and right when I wake up. I’m broken now and i was once so whole. Fighting with him the past few months has literally caused me to develop severe anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been acting out of character and doing things not like me. I’ve shamelessly asked for him back only to hear a no.

All you want is for them to come over and just hold you and tell I that that they love you, understand you want to start fresh loving eachother the way the other person needs to be loved while understanding that we need new boundaries now in the middle that please both us but god at the same time. But sometimes what you want is a fantasy, he’ll probably do that one day just for someone else, exactly what I feared. He says we’ll be together in the future if we’re meant to be but time will pass and he’ll forget and leave me with nothing but heartbreak and broken promises.

Being beautiful as a woman is a double edged sword. It comes with a million options and maybe 1 in a million actually having pure intentions for you, you just have more badness to sort through that’s all it is. Versus being modest protects you from all the chaos, atleast you know they fell for u based on personality and not fading beauty

[taylorbuggtaylortot]

Ain’t no body like me cause they don’t know me good enough

I don’t like me neither but I love myself more than enough

Self hatred mixed with narcissism doesn’t make a lick of sense

Always talkin like I’m arguing cause

I’m always hangin on the fence

I try so hard to connect when I feel it in my bones

But I’m only good when I’m broken, hurting, having sex or alone

They always said that nobody could love a girl like me

Broken girl

Just damaged goods

Is that all of me you see?

I don’t have the breath in my body to scream it out to you

If you see that then I can’t prove a thing to you

Cause I can love so hard you won’t believe who I can become

Once the trust sets in and I no longer want to run

I want to stay more than I want to go cause I see how hard you try

But you lose faith and lead me on

So Im hanging on a lie

I never stopped

Loving you with all my heart

So I just passed it on

To anyone who accepted me more

And now my love is gone for you

Ever since you closed the door

You don’t see just what you’ve done

But I came broken

Am I the villain?

Or am I just too numb.

I’m so sick of overthinking

I do this at what cost?

The cost of all my sanity

On the brink of feeling lost

I’m never lost though

I know how to wander though

It’s turned to wanderlust

So I drift off into some daydream

And I make a new world up

I set myself up for failure by thinking about you

I fall in love

Can force a future like you haven’t got a clue

But I don’t like a soul around me, So imagine when I do

I think of all the things you’ve been through and read you like a book

I fall in love with all the heartache

It’s hard to overlook

I just want to understand and hold you close at night

I never want to see you scared

You’d know I’m always by your side

I give the love I want to get because i know just what I need

If time can’t heal it, love will try

And if it doesn’t , you have me

I know you have a family and I know you hold them close

And I have that too, but somehow, I still crave you the most

I act this way because I’ve had to

It’s the way that I’ve survived

I know that that’s just a poor excuse for all my fucking pride

I’m sorry and I want to try to open up some more

Just give me space that feels safe and I’ll open every door

It takes time and I’m not patient so I understand the rush

But I’m always here

I’m never leaving

Even if I should

… & that’s the downfall of it all. 💔

Apartment 2210

I learned a long time ago that I don’t have to trust you to love you. I have love for a lot of people including you for some ridiculous reason. And I trust you a little more than most because I trust your heart is good at the end of the day and that your morals and principles are justified, but I still don’t trust that I’m not just a chapter in your book. I don’t feel like you’re a solid person in my life and I don’t think i have some one in my life who loves the way that I love and that’s a hard thing to deal with. There’s loyalty I would give but you don’t deserve it .. really nobody does because it’s not reciprocated. There’s ways you have your homies that you would never have me and that’s all fine and good but you look at me and call me a friend which I’m not … I’m company … so yeah like I have a lot of love for you but I don’t trust you. You wonder why I don’t open up a lot or tell you a lot. I’m an open book but I’d probably only be my true self to you if I felt like you deserved to know her. You’ve gotten parts of me dude that no one has in a very long time including some of my friends, but there’s a reason I’m alone. There’s a reason I think the way I do, and there’s a reason why you can try to understand me but you won’t. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to try to get to know me, but like you don’t know me. You know the version of me I allow you access to. And I’m not perfect. I used to think and act like you and I’m grateful for getting to know you cause it’s really helped me in finding the way back to my inner child that I lost and she was so smart, hopeful, positive, snarky, goofy, creative, quick witted. I lost a lot of myself. When I tell you I’ve had the life sucked out of me, you don’t know the half of it. It’s like there’s a light on but nobody’s home. But I see it on through the woods and I’m just lost trying to find my way back to it and whenever I’ve hung out with you or talked to you like for a second I feel like I found my way back to my doorstep, and I love how that makes me feel but then I’m just reminded that it’s only on my side and one day you will leave and I’m going to have to remember you in order to remember how to keep doing that for myself which is how I know you were put in my life for a reason but how I also know better than to think you’re permanent. You’re a lesson that I’m still learning and it makes it hard to let go cause every time I want to walk away, I come back and I don’t completely regret it. I constantly tell myself you’re a bad idea cause you drive me crazy. I just feel like when it’s finally ready to be done, you’ll call it. But at that point, I’m just delaying and increasing my own heartbreak. I just feel like you have no reason to leave but then I give you a reason to and you still don’t dip and it’s confusing to me. Like why are you still here? Why are you still around? You aren’t possibly that lonely. Then I think it’s just because I’m beneficial because I care about you and that makes me want to take care of you. Why push away somebody that cares about you and adds value to your life because anything you needed ever.. they’d be there. Why push away loyalty? Then we circle back around to why the hell I choose to stand by you knowing damn well you’d throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. Shit makes me want to take myself out of the equation. All these games are so exhausting. I’m just supposed to assume everything that’s in your mind. I’m just supposed to know shit. Whatever. But I don’t know anything and all I can do is assume and you never tell me I’m wrong which only makes me think that I’m right. I would give a lot find a way to commit to giving you up and i am literally trying every day to find a way to do that because it’s not easy as making my mind up because I’m just as good at giving you the benefit of the doubt and considering the fact that I’m wrong about everything because if I know anything about people, it’s that you can’t assume you know everything just because something looks a certain way from the outside and as some one who is constantly misundersto

[femme-kitty]

healing can be so uncomfortable, and feel really scary sometimes because it’s uncertain. you’re exploring spaces you’ve never been to and building habits that you’ve never worked on before, and that can feel scary but it’s okay

because your childhood was dysfunctional due to an unhealthy parent, there are unhealthy environments and communication styles that were normalized but not what a healthy child would have experienced. these dysfunctional ways of living can feel familiar and navigating the world in a healthier state can feel unsafe or “off”, but thats okay. you keep going because you know it’s worth it and that the 80 year old version of you will be so glad you didn’t give up. you learn that you can sit with the fear and still show up. you gradually un-do the fear that traumas placed in you about others and the world around you.

i can wish my childhood would have been better to me, that my mother would have shown up for herself and me in the way we both needed, to have had a completely safe place to be and feel at home with my parents, so that i could have built the tools to get to a healthy place in adulthood, but i have to work with the reality of my childhood and accept the generational trauma of my family to begin to heal (and start the process of generational healing through healing myself),

healing is the process of putting it into my hands now. its letting my adult self teach that inner child the tools and emotional regulation skills they missed out on, it feels unfamiliar but also it’s so important. it’s not blaming my parents or mom’s family, just understanding that they tried their best while also understanding that i still deserve the healthy foundation that should have come from my childhood experiences. it’s also understanding that i can still love my mom’s family but also place boundaries and distance when necessary because they still choose to operate in anger and dysfunction and i won’t engage or play a part in that. it’s empowering because i’m able to listen to myself and meet my needs, and it feels really nice to strengthen my relationship with myself in this way.

healing is the process of letting myself exist. as a queer person with different style interests and ideas, i’ve always been fascinated with dressing up based on concepts or stories and i get to give that to myself as an adult even in little ways, it’s letting myself cut or style my hair however i want and experiment with different styles in how i dress and present myself,

healing is saying no. it’s making eye contact with your mom or grandma and saying “i feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice and yell at me or say insulting things to me, so when you do that, i am going to leave the room/go outside” even when it feels scary, trust me, it won’t feel as scary the more you do it. healing is removing yourself from living spaces when you are bullied and emotionally abused for being yourself or setting boundaries. healing is not having to read into silence or passive aggressive actions as a method of communicating, only direct communication from family. saying what i need or how i feel and in that, opening the space for others to do the same with me.

healing is enjoying food as fuel, and learning that what works for me won’t work for everyone, that my body and health is my business as is everyone else with their own bodies and health, and that i can eat intuitively, listening to what my body needs and having the freedom to explore foods without fear of acne or an upset stomach, which are both just regular human experiences. healing is releasing the fear of being in a changing or imperfect body, because my body will change and be imperfect throughout my life and i don’t have to see a problem with that like my mom does. healing is releasing any need to be “perfect” or change anything about my natural state. it’s accepting i’m a human being and i will change and age and my body will too and that the process is beautiful because i get to grow older and thats genuinely a blessing.

healing is letting myself laugh again, to sing theatrically and loudly, to blast music and dance and jump around everywhere, to make weird noises and talk to myself out loud all day. its also letting myself cry intensely, to sit with myself when i’m feeling sad and let myself process it instead of running away from my emotions, to comfort myself when i’m experiencing a negative emotion and say kind words to myself as if i was talking to a younger version of me. having baby pictures of myself around helps a lot, i get to show myself the unconditional love i really needed growing up. healing is also letting others help me and support me in a healthy way, and knowing i can ask for help and reassurance when i need it. that i will struggle sometimes and it’s okay, i’m allowed to struggle through something and learn from others.

healing is acceptance, its accepting i can’t change my family, i can’t change anyone but myself. i can only control how i act, how i speak, how i treat myself, how i treat others, and how i treat the world around me. it’s accepting my own past mistakes towards myself and loved ones, its accepting my life’s journey so far. it’s also accepting when i feel depressed or anxious or burnt out or insecure and knowing that i’m still worthy and deserving of love in those moments. its recognizing that my anxiety, depressive episodes, and insecurities are just expressions of the same core issue. that when i work on giving my inner child reassurance, security, and love, that these things start to go away. it’s accepting that others can also struggle with their mental health, and that i can offer my genuine support, encouragement, and care but that the journey is ultimately theirs and that it’s not my responsibility to help other’s heal. that i don’t have to feel forced or guilted into helping others at my own expense.

healing is accepting that i can really love a person and no longer be present in their lives. it’s accepting my feelings for them for what they are, and that i can’t force myself to shut my heart off. it’s accepting that i feel i will love them throughout my entire life, but that these feelings aren’t to be a cage for myself or them or anyone else. that it feels more like a part of me i don’t have to hide or change or run away from, like the fact that my hair is curly and it’ll curl until i’m really old. no matter where i go, it’ll curl. something that just is. and it’s okay, angie.

it’s knowing that love isn’t attachment, it’s freedom, it’s a choice, it’s a coming together, it’s sweet and kind, reassuring and understanding, and that it can mean letting someone go when they ask for it from you. healing is knowing it’s healthy for humans to have the freedom to choose who they want to love. it’s also knowing love is abundant on earth, that i am capable of loving others as family, as friends, as role models or inspirations to me, that i can share love with animals, pets, stray/wild animals, and even nature, my plants, food i grow, a certain water body i really like to visit or tree i like to read or lay under.

healing is remembering the person i was growing up and finding her again. healing is having pieces of myself come back up to the surface because they’re safe to do so now. it’s seeing and feeling younger me inside and happy crying because i remember her joy, her jokes, her singing, her laughter. it’s also knowing these pieces weren’t lost because of people but just lost to the process of trauma. as i unravel past events and forgive myself/others, i get closer to myself.

healing isn’t trying to go backwards in time, it’s not desperately trying to be those specific versions of myself again. those wonderful childhood versions of me are in my past, they’ve contributed to the person i am today, and in remembering those versions of myself, i’m able to remember my core values and personality traits and carry them with me in my present and future. i can appreciate and fully experience being 22 years old. i can make new memories with myself, try things i’ve always wanted to, make art and music again and as a whole, feel possible again.

the best thing i’ve felt is release. releasing survival mode. releasing fear. releasing ingrained beliefs from childhood. releasing the need to control environments or the future out of fear of uncertainty. releasing guilt and perfectionism. releasing the need to have it all figured out when i’m only 22 and meant to keep learning and making mistakes and growing/maturing. releasing the pain and unprocessed emotions from past traumas. releasing the need to constantly please or perform for love and affection from my family, and just letting myself be. loving myself for who i am and enjoying that i get to be me until the day i die. loving others exactly as they are too.

remember that it’s okay to feel stuck sometimes, you won’t always feel like there’s significant progress going on inside, but there is. progress isn’t linear and it won’t always look “good”, but it’s still progress nonetheless. keep going, it’s worth it and the smiles suit you! when you look back, let the memories remind you of how much you’ve grown, that you’ve made it this far, and that you’ve always been loved and protected throughout it all :”)

lastly, i love you and i’m so proud of you! :-))

-carolina <3

[allmothsdied]

No, it's not like that, it's different... I don't think I wait for some knight to save me, I don't want that. And I understood when they told me that the only one who could ever save me is me myself and no one else could do that. I know.

But the truth is, the thing I need is simply someone who would give me reason to try getting better, to want that.

U know, there was people that really tried to help me for some time, but only for certain amount of time, after that I became too much, they start having hope and finally in the end they saw me as a lost case and left. No one ever stay.

It's like... No one there won't get scared when I'm showing all pieces of me. No one wanna listen of all the ugly things. And if anyone wants me, they want only some parts of me.

How can I want to fight for me when no one would ever do that as well? There's no one I would be good enough for. Is wanting to be loved so wrong? Is loving me so bad?

They are all like there could be someone, maybe one day you will blah blah, you could have future, fucking blah blah blah... Someone but not them. Yeah, someone could love you, I guess, not me u know, but someone somewhere idk... Yeah, someone... But no one I've ever met.

No one wants to keep such a fucked up mess in their life. No one would want to life with me, be close to me, see me in all colors, to stay... And you are asking me why I wanna leave? Open your fucking eyes! You don't love me, you don't want me, you won't keep me, you don't wanna hear, you don't wanna be here by my side, you and everyone else. There's nothing left for me in this world. Fucking nothing.

But don't get me wrong, I got it, I don't wanna myself as well, I don't wanna love or keep this shit I am. I got it, and it's okay this way. Just don't expect me to stay. Don't.

Yeah, getting healing your inner child in safe space with close person, healing with kindness, love and patience... Sounds sweet... But guess what, it's mostly not real. Mostly you are all alone on this. Mostly there's no one.

And one can't love himself when there never been anyone to tought him so, when there's no one proving it's possible to even love someone like that.

And I'm getting really tired. I can't hope. I can't dream. This luxury wasn't mean for me. And it's not like I wanna die so damn much... Mostly it's like that I have simply no reason to stay, no one to stay for cause no one ever stays with me.

[gremlintheslut]

The shields little girl

Chapter 2 the big talk

The shield x fem!afab!reader

Don't reupload, translate or do anything like that without permission from me

Master list

Warnings: I mainly write smut and don't know what I'm doing.

I wake up to the sound of voices. I decide not to open my eyes and listen to what they're saying. "so basically she uses the whole ddlg thing as a coping mechanism?" I hear Seth ask. "yeah, it's a lot more common than you think. If someone doesn't grow up with the best childhood they might end up using ddlg as a way to cope later on and some therapist recommend buying toys or things a child would enjoy as a way to help heal their inner child." Roman replies. "does she have toys?" Dean chimes in with his question. "yeah, mostly teddy bears, coloring books and she has a few bath toys as well" Roman informs the 2 other men.

I feel my heart flutter as Roman continues to explain what ddlg is and tell the boys what I do as a little. I can't help but smile when he starts to name and describe a few of my favorite teddies. "there's a purple owl that doubles as a heat pack for when she is on her period. Just put it in the microwave for 30-40 seconds" I want to open my eyes but I know I'll get embarrassed by the conversation to follow. Roman keeps talking. "she has never regressed younger than three years old but she is usually 4 or 5 never older than 7." he says before pausing knowing the boys will have questions. "how do you know if she's regressing?" Dean asks. "well she baby talks when she's little but mumbles when she's a bit older. She won't look you in the eyes that much and if you can't tell you can just ask she's never failed to answer me before." Roman answers.

I tune out of their conversation debating whether or not to open my eyes or keep them closed and go back to sleep. I decide to open it and sit up slowly stretching. "sorry did we wake you up?" Seth asks and I shake my head. "no" I say shortly. "I was just telling the boy about ddlg," Roman tells me not knowing I heard the last half of what he said. "do I have to be here for the conversation? because I want to take a shower" I ask. "go right ahead" Roman says and I get up and walk to the bathroom. I always leave a towel in there so I don't have to find one or call the front desk.

I take a 15-minute shower and wrap a towel around my waist realizing I didn't have clothes with me in the bathroom. I walk out of the room and grab my clothes. They were still talking about little space. I walk back into the bathroom but the way they were looking at me didn't go unnoticed. I finish drying off and put my clothes on. I know when I go out there I'll end up joining the conversation or they will start talking to me about the bond thing.

I stay standing there for a little while not wanting to be in 2 embarrassing conversations. I decide to get it over with and walk out into the main room. They're all quiet when I come out so I know there is only one conversation ahead of me. "we need to talk to you about 2 things" Roman says, maybe not. I nod and sit down on my bed. "first we want to ask if you trust us enough to be your caretakers" he asks. I honestly thought Seth and Dean wouldn't like it but I was wrong I guess. "yeah, I'd love that," I say quickly hoping I didn't say yes too fast. I see the smiles on Seth and Dean's faces and the embarrassment I knew I was going to feel soon for the next part of the conversation doesn't arrive.

They love me. They really do.

"lastly we want to know what this is," he says and I'm stumped. "I don't know," I say after thinking for a second. Whatever this is it just started and it would be weird to just jump to dating right? "okay, so we're all bonded to each other and it feels a bit weird because we have been friends for ages." he says shortly and everyone else nods. After a very long and boring talk, we decided that we would be a normal mate pack. Which is just when a small pack of alpha is bonded to each other and they find the omega their bonded to.

We would go on dates and do normal shit but we could decide on announcing it later. If we ever want to announce it.

Words-816

Sorry if it's short I'm tired and I didn't know how to end it. Love ya💋💕💞-gremlin

[babyjakes]

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

event | whumptember 2022

prompt | being protected

pairing | bf!ari levinson x reader

warnings | i wrote this while thinking about matilda by harry styles so automatically it's gonna be emo asf, reader has an emotionally abusive family (focus on father bc same <333), protective!!!!!ari, ari and reader’s dad face off a little, this is just me healing my inner child okay no big deal

word count | 898

i am just thinking about. this song. and like living it through dating ari basically.

maybe reader and ari have been dating for a while. and ari has come to understand the circumstances of her family life and how her childhood was. he is treating her different in every way from the abuse she endured and little by little she’s learning to love and trust with a safe partner that would never be so cruel and heartless to her.

she maintains a relationship with her family (her parents mainly) bc it’s the easiest way to keep the peace. ari supports her in this and knows it’s a complex decision to make. he would never want her to feel forced to cut them off by him, as he believes everything should be in her control and what she’s comfortable with. he knows trauma bonds can be complicated and that even though they’ve been horrible to her, reader does love them in the ways she’s learned to.

maybe there are minor conflicts or hiccups as time goes on but reader is mostly so distanced from them that she can just take space where she needs it and nothing ever becomes too much.

until a family gathering one evening when things end up finally going too far.

ari’s along with reader to visit her parents’ house, maybe her siblings are there as well and they’re all talking over dinner. the small talk is easy enough to navigate most of the time so it starts out civil and almost pleasant. but maybe reader’s father eventually starts going down a mean road, starting to pick on reader and criticize her, embarrassing her even.

ari’s face is stiffening as everyone but the two of them laugh. reader’s right next to him, her head hanging low in humiliation. he hates seeing how they treat her and how she sort of collapses into herself, not wanting to draw any more attention by calling out the harassment or defending herself. images flash in his head of pictures he’s seen of her when she was a little girl, so helpless against her abusers. it makes his blood boil to know she must be feeling so small still inside, so defenseless.

ari tries to shoot her father a look but maybe that only encourages him further and he says some really horrible, nasty things. aiming at her biggest insecurities, the places he knows will hurt most. as her father, he has the unfortunate privilege of knowing exactly how to break her down. and after one particularly despicable jab, ari’s had it.

his silverware rattles sharply against the table as it’s dropped. he rises to his feet and pushes his chair back out behind him with his legs. “that’s enough.”

reader is now looking up at her boyfriend with the biggest eyes, shocked and a little terrified; she’s never seen anyone stand up to her father before

the room is silent. no one knows what to do or say, not even reader’s loud-mouthed father himself

after a few moments the older man clears his throat and replies darkly, “excuse you, son?”

(but like let’s be real ari is bigger and stronger and just overall more beefy than him like if they were to fight… that would be really stupid on the old man’s part to accept such a challenge lol)

“i said, that’s enough. i won’t let you speak to her that way, not for another minute. how dare you? she drives halfway across the state twice a month to see you and keep the peace in the family, and this is what she gets? you don’t deserve her. and you won’t speak to her that way anymore; do you understand me?”

ari’s reaching down and taking her hand softly, his piercing gaze not leaving the man across the table for even a second. maybe the father curses and decides to stand up as well, starting off on some piss poor response, “you’re awfully bold, you son of a bitch. why i outta-” maybe he even makes the mistake of raising a hand at ari, and that’s when the devil really goes off in his eyes.

“i wouldn’t do that, if i were you,” he speaks so lowly, barely above a whisper but the room is dead silent so everyone can hear him. then he turns to reader, his voice much softer as he says, “c’mon, honey. we’re going home”

they walk out together, and no one dares to follow after them. when they reach the car at the end of the drive, ari pauses to hold reader’s hands in his own as he stands with just a few feet between them. it’s dark out but they can just make out the outlines of each other’s faces. reader’s eyes are full of tears. ari cups her cheeks and whispers through tears of his own, “i love you. i will never let them hurt you again.”

there’s a long way to go. i don’t believe that time would change your mind. in other words i know they won’t hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go.

you can let it go. you can throw a party full of everyone you know. you can start a family who will always show you love. you don’t have to be sorry, no.

my therapist will be hearing about this one 👍