femme-kitty

[femme-kitty]

We all have a child inside us that needs looking after. Yours didn’t get as much care as she needed, so you’re going to have to take extra good care of her now.

Be kind to yourself

- therapy 2.3.18 // but I’m not a child anymore

[femme-kitty]

it takes time to bloom <3 happy i’m doodling again :”)

-caroliiiiinnnaaaa 🎶🎵 <333

[femme-kitty]

november 29th, 2023

i stopped for a cat perched on a sidewalk today :”) calico girl w big back color patches and a cute curled tail!

-caro <3

[femme-kitty]

november 2nd, 2023

towards the end of this long day, i watched the sun set through the trees and let the wind blow my ponytail around while i sat in the back of my dad’s truck, i let my feet swing around,,

i took myself outside without my glasses on to enjoy my blueberries and oats, so i could just feel everything around me and taste the textures and enjoy the present moment,

i couldn’t see it that clear, but it was really beautiful, especially the leaves being moved by the cold breeze, colored orange and red and gold from the sun shining behind them,

after sunset, i made a lil veggie bake for myself with japanese eggplant, zucchini, potatoes, tomatoes, turnips, and diff color sweet peppers, it was a very warm and cozy dinner,

i watched “where the tracks end” on netflix while it was baking, it was very beautiful and i cried a little at the end,

and now before bed, i let myself breathe laying on the floor listening to a guy playing singing bowls, and drinking warm lemon ginger tea, my tea bag quote says “the unknown is where all outcomes are possible; enter it with grace”, i think it’s really sweet,

i kiss myself goodnight sometimes, kissing random parts on myself like my inner elbow or knees or hands, or just let my hands run through my curls and braid my hair and smile at the girl i see in the mirror,

life has felt peaceful, my inner world has felt quiet but also alive at the same time, i feel really content with aging and experiencing the gradual process of becoming an independent adult

my soul inside feels young and i let myself feel everything, i often talk to myself in the mirror with some sunlight pouring in when there’s downtime,

i’m thankful for this life, for my health, por mi papá, and for little snippets of calm in my life like today,

there’s beauty in the ordinary moments of life if you pause and just observe sometimes, we’re here on this earth witnessing it and thats a beautiful blessing :”)

may you be surrounded with love, health, laughter, and peaceful days!

love, carolina <3 🐛

[femme-kitty]

october 30th, 2023

you are never going to be alone

fly, fly, fly!

[femme-kitty]

I DANCED WITH THEM FROM ACROSS THE WINDOW!! :DDD 🤍 STRANGERS CONNECTED BY HAPPY VIBES!!! 🌈🎶🕺🏻

[femme-kitty]

i found this journal entry from 2021,

past me knew what was up,

i think it's really sweet.

current me accepts the lessons.

to un-learning and re-learning/remembering!

-carolina <3

https://penzu.com/p/5710ba04

[femme-kitty]

a flower can’t grow when it’s being neglected and stepped on.

trust that you will bloom in a loving, supportive environment.

& exhale. let go. 🤍 i love u :-)!

-carolina <3

[femme-kitty]

i always come back to you,

everything always feels alright when i look into you, you remind me that what is, is, and what will be, will be

for all of these years that i’ve felt your presence and guidance, i give you my thanks

-carolina <3

[femme-kitty]

happy my plant’s still growing and enjoying the little pockets of peace and smiles

[femme-kitty]

here comes the sun, and i say it’s alright!

[femme-kitty]

life is uncertain & i still dream and hold onto hope

[femme-kitty]

healing can be so uncomfortable, and feel really scary sometimes because it’s uncertain. you’re exploring spaces you’ve never been to and building habits that you’ve never worked on before, and that can feel scary but it’s okay

because your childhood was dysfunctional due to an unhealthy parent, there are unhealthy environments and communication styles that were normalized but not what a healthy child would have experienced. these dysfunctional ways of living can feel familiar and navigating the world in a healthier state can feel unsafe or “off”, but thats okay. you keep going because you know it’s worth it and that the 80 year old version of you will be so glad you didn’t give up. you learn that you can sit with the fear and still show up. you gradually un-do the fear that traumas placed in you about others and the world around you.

i can wish my childhood would have been better to me, that my mother would have shown up for herself and me in the way we both needed, to have had a completely safe place to be and feel at home with my parents, so that i could have built the tools to get to a healthy place in adulthood, but i have to work with the reality of my childhood and accept the generational trauma of my family to begin to heal (and start the process of generational healing through healing myself),

healing is the process of putting it into my hands now. its letting my adult self teach that inner child the tools and emotional regulation skills they missed out on, it feels unfamiliar but also it’s so important. it’s not blaming my parents or mom’s family, just understanding that they tried their best while also understanding that i still deserve the healthy foundation that should have come from my childhood experiences. it’s also understanding that i can still love my mom’s family but also place boundaries and distance when necessary because they still choose to operate in anger and dysfunction and i won’t engage or play a part in that. it’s empowering because i’m able to listen to myself and meet my needs, and it feels really nice to strengthen my relationship with myself in this way.

healing is the process of letting myself exist. as a queer person with different style interests and ideas, i’ve always been fascinated with dressing up based on concepts or stories and i get to give that to myself as an adult even in little ways, it’s letting myself cut or style my hair however i want and experiment with different styles in how i dress and present myself,

healing is saying no. it’s making eye contact with your mom or grandma and saying “i feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice and yell at me or say insulting things to me, so when you do that, i am going to leave the room/go outside” even when it feels scary, trust me, it won’t feel as scary the more you do it. healing is removing yourself from living spaces when you are bullied and emotionally abused for being yourself or setting boundaries. healing is not having to read into silence or passive aggressive actions as a method of communicating, only direct communication from family. saying what i need or how i feel and in that, opening the space for others to do the same with me.

healing is enjoying food as fuel, and learning that what works for me won’t work for everyone, that my body and health is my business as is everyone else with their own bodies and health, and that i can eat intuitively, listening to what my body needs and having the freedom to explore foods without fear of acne or an upset stomach, which are both just regular human experiences. healing is releasing the fear of being in a changing or imperfect body, because my body will change and be imperfect throughout my life and i don’t have to see a problem with that like my mom does. healing is releasing any need to be “perfect” or change anything about my natural state. it’s accepting i’m a human being and i will change and age and my body will too and that the process is beautiful because i get to grow older and thats genuinely a blessing.

healing is letting myself laugh again, to sing theatrically and loudly, to blast music and dance and jump around everywhere, to make weird noises and talk to myself out loud all day. its also letting myself cry intensely, to sit with myself when i’m feeling sad and let myself process it instead of running away from my emotions, to comfort myself when i’m experiencing a negative emotion and say kind words to myself as if i was talking to a younger version of me. having baby pictures of myself around helps a lot, i get to show myself the unconditional love i really needed growing up. healing is also letting others help me and support me in a healthy way, and knowing i can ask for help and reassurance when i need it. that i will struggle sometimes and it’s okay, i’m allowed to struggle through something and learn from others.

healing is acceptance, its accepting i can’t change my family, i can’t change anyone but myself. i can only control how i act, how i speak, how i treat myself, how i treat others, and how i treat the world around me. it’s accepting my own past mistakes towards myself and loved ones, its accepting my life’s journey so far. it’s also accepting when i feel depressed or anxious or burnt out or insecure and knowing that i’m still worthy and deserving of love in those moments. its recognizing that my anxiety, depressive episodes, and insecurities are just expressions of the same core issue. that when i work on giving my inner child reassurance, security, and love, that these things start to go away. it’s accepting that others can also struggle with their mental health, and that i can offer my genuine support, encouragement, and care but that the journey is ultimately theirs and that it’s not my responsibility to help other’s heal. that i don’t have to feel forced or guilted into helping others at my own expense.

healing is accepting that i can really love a person and no longer be present in their lives. it’s accepting my feelings for them for what they are, and that i can’t force myself to shut my heart off. it’s accepting that i feel i will love them throughout my entire life, but that these feelings aren’t to be a cage for myself or them or anyone else. that it feels more like a part of me i don’t have to hide or change or run away from, like the fact that my hair is curly and it’ll curl until i’m really old. no matter where i go, it’ll curl. something that just is. and it’s okay, angie.

it’s knowing that love isn’t attachment, it’s freedom, it’s a choice, it’s a coming together, it’s sweet and kind, reassuring and understanding, and that it can mean letting someone go when they ask for it from you. healing is knowing it’s healthy for humans to have the freedom to choose who they want to love. it’s also knowing love is abundant on earth, that i am capable of loving others as family, as friends, as role models or inspirations to me, that i can share love with animals, pets, stray/wild animals, and even nature, my plants, food i grow, a certain water body i really like to visit or tree i like to read or lay under.

healing is remembering the person i was growing up and finding her again. healing is having pieces of myself come back up to the surface because they’re safe to do so now. it’s seeing and feeling younger me inside and happy crying because i remember her joy, her jokes, her singing, her laughter. it’s also knowing these pieces weren’t lost because of people but just lost to the process of trauma. as i unravel past events and forgive myself/others, i get closer to myself.

healing isn’t trying to go backwards in time, it’s not desperately trying to be those specific versions of myself again. those wonderful childhood versions of me are in my past, they’ve contributed to the person i am today, and in remembering those versions of myself, i’m able to remember my core values and personality traits and carry them with me in my present and future. i can appreciate and fully experience being 22 years old. i can make new memories with myself, try things i’ve always wanted to, make art and music again and as a whole, feel possible again.

the best thing i’ve felt is release. releasing survival mode. releasing fear. releasing ingrained beliefs from childhood. releasing the need to control environments or the future out of fear of uncertainty. releasing guilt and perfectionism. releasing the need to have it all figured out when i’m only 22 and meant to keep learning and making mistakes and growing/maturing. releasing the pain and unprocessed emotions from past traumas. releasing the need to constantly please or perform for love and affection from my family, and just letting myself be. loving myself for who i am and enjoying that i get to be me until the day i die. loving others exactly as they are too.

remember that it’s okay to feel stuck sometimes, you won’t always feel like there’s significant progress going on inside, but there is. progress isn’t linear and it won’t always look “good”, but it’s still progress nonetheless. keep going, it’s worth it and the smiles suit you! when you look back, let the memories remind you of how much you’ve grown, that you’ve made it this far, and that you’ve always been loved and protected throughout it all :”)

lastly, i love you and i’m so proud of you! :-))

-carolina <3

[femme-kitty]

an important step in healing: holding mr jake the snake 🤍

[femme-kitty]

this is beautiful!!! :”)

animation edit ~ what if i fly

[femme-kitty]

baby bonita!

one of the best things about being alive is when you feel present in a beautiful moment and feel all your senses alive in laughter, or joy, dancing, tasting something with strong flavors, crying, hugging a pet or yourself with love

today i rollerskated with my grandma’s puppy and i can feel when my joy pours into her, she runs fearlessly and carries me along faster, and it makes me laugh and she smiles with her tongue hanging out

it started raining shortly after starting and it felt okay to let it come down, to let my face and hair and skates get soaked, it made me laugh even more, her ears poked through her pink hat, i knew it would cover her face from the rain,

i know rain can feel cold and like a nuisance sometimes, maybe we’re all dressed up for something or we’re sick already and don’t want to get wet and maybe get worse,

but when everythings alright, and you’re well, and you have a wild-spirited puppy looking at you with a smile, it feels great to be rained on, to feel your curls get heavier and spread out from the drops and humidity, to feel a droplet go from your brow to your cupids bow, and to see droplets start to double and triple on your glasses lenses,

it felt really sweet to be alive then, i know i’ll miss her a lot when i leave, i know she’ll remember these days, & i’ll carry these days with this puppy in my heart always