#a little bit of introspection does the body good

[amuseoffyre]

Got thinking today about the first pieces of queer media I experienced and how formative they were for me when I didn't even know queerness was a thing. Double-whammy of super religious family raised in very religious community and then ending up slap bang in the middle of section 28 in the UK, where it was illegal to teach kids anything about queerness.

But it was there. It found me, even when I didn't know I was looking for it.

First up was the double-header of To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar and Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

It was 1996/7, I was in my mid-teens. I was having a sleepover at a friend's house and she asked me if I wanted to see drag queens. I didn't know what they were, so I said yes. My wee little mind was blown. Until that point, the only time I had seen anything like it had been as a joke, especially Pantomime Dames.

I know that now these films are very dated, but then? When the only other mainstream films with vaguely trans-ish characters were things like Silence of the Lambs and The Crying Game? Having some of the biggest stars of their respective countries playing sympathetic, fun, silly, loving, happy drag queens and trans characters was so staggeringly new and out of left field. I didn't even know what I was feeling but those films curled up in my chest for reasons I couldn't even understand then.

A few years later, doing my English studies and one of the assigned texts was a book called Trumpet by Jackie Kay. I had never heard of it, had no idea what it was about going in, and again, eyes wide open after it. A trans man who kept his whole life a secret from everyone but his wife, only outed after his death. It's beautiful and poignant and wrenching as his kid tries to unravel and understand their father and who he was.

It's been two decades and I've seen a lot of queer media since then, but those three pieces were the foundation of me figuring things out and realising what I had been told all along wasn't compulsory or necessarily even right. It showed me a glimpse of something else, that maybe all the parts of me that I had been chipping away at, trying to make them fit, didn't need to be chipped away at all.

Took a lot longer for me to put all the pieces together consciously. The trauma and self-hate will do that to you. But I got there :) I got there in the end and I can look in the mirror like Miss Vida and smile like she did.

[sysig]

But would you tho (Patreon)

[astralnymphh]

jackson!ellie falling for the girl with spectacular music taste. what does she think when passing by your open window? shit, is that the sick habit? rad. but it has trickled into a myriad of genres, now having an eclectic accumulation of records thanks to you, and your midday music sessions. on patrol, she thinks about you. in those abandoned record stores, she thinks—and dedicates time to you, fitting a couple inside her backpack she had graciously made room for. either to listen to them while daydreaming in psychedelic hues, or to give them to dina so she can deliver them to you. darkening your doorstep unannounced feels a bit invasive, and besides, you know dina way better than ellie knows you. confrontations are daunting; what would she even say?

she had no time to figure, since dina—in all her matchmaking glory—thought getting ellie out of her garage for something besides patrol duties for a change, and into your place, would ease her up to you. the path that leads there is precipiced, crowded with nerves. her cheeks are lovingly dimpled when you nudge her in the shoulder. “you never told me you play guitar!” ellie never expected you to be the epitome of romance poetry: all smiles, warming up in no time, so punctual in the eyes, she wonders what details you like about her. “u-uh, yeah. not too serious about it though,” she humbles herself. hand concealed behind her head.

yet, of course, dina never lets ellie be so soft-spoken. “come on! nobody, who isn't serious about music, writes their own songs. play something for us!” nudging with her voice from across the room.

ellie so badly wanted to punch her friend in the shoulder then. god, she shuddered at the encouragement. but, she couldn't deny you; when it was you, handing her the guitar long forgotten about from your closet, she had to indulge with a soft smile. thereon, when ellie was consumingly focused on tuning that hollow body of wood, she missed all your subtle stares of her face, or her freckled hands, whatever intrigued you to contemplate. after she played one of your favorites—receiving compliments from you for even knowing that song—you had to tell her all about your introspects. fortuitously, dina left by then.

“you're really good at it,” you said, gentler than the music of wind, with your head in her criss-crossed lap, and satin-shine eyes locking hers. anyone could tell she has been waiting for something as transient and calming as this. “you should write me a song, hm?” laying her palms on your face so delicately, afraid this moment could shatter. “would love t—i mean, yeah. sure.” still doesn't even know what to say!

the moment lives forever in the song she wrote that following night. it had to be captured; you need to know how much she fucking cherishes it.

this was meant to just be a little something something but i turned it into something i'd cry to. #kms.

[blueteller]

Do you know how smart Cale actually is? Like- what extent his intelligence can reach?

That's an interesting question! Let's take a look.

From what I know of IQ scores, anything above 120 puts you in top 10% of the population. So I easily see Kim Rok Soo!Cale belonging in that category; of >120 IQ. However, IQ had always felt a little vague to me. It's nice to have a number to put on a scale and all, but what does it actually mean in reality? Let's try this from a different angle.

Gardner's Multiple Intelligences model of divides talent into eight categories, plus one additional one:

Visual-spatial

Linguistic-verbal

Logical-mathematical

Body-kinesthetic

Musical

Interpersonal

Intrapersonal

Naturalistic

Existential

Why not try to measure him up against each one, as no person is actually intelligent in every way and not even a fictional character can excel in all of them (unless they're a Mary Sue or something lol).

Visual and spatial judgment stands for easy reading, writing, puzzles solving, recognizing patterns and analyzing charts well. I think Cale is definitely a pro in this category; he does loves reading and he's fantastic at analyzing data.

Linguistic-verbal is for remember written and spoken information, debates, giving persuasive speeches, ability to explain things and skilled at verbal humor. And while I constantly make fun of Cale for not being able to explain himself, he IS good at using the "glib tongue" and being persuasive, so I think he is very skilled in this category as well.

Logical-mathematical means having excellent problem-solving skills, the ability to come up with abstract ideas and conduct scientific experiments, as well as computing complex issues. Cale is an incredible strategist able to change his plans in an instant, so he is definitely a genius in this field.

Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence is a fun one, because I think it's the hardest one to judge, considering that he literally changed bodies. It of course stands for sports, dancing, craftmanship, physical coordination, and remembering better by practice rather than learning theory. Cale... does not like that. However, it doesn't mean he's BAD at it. If he was a genius in this field, however, I believe he would like it a bit more. Thus – I suspect he was average. In the past he was forced to exercise for the sake of survival, but once he was given the option of taking it easy, he quit instantly. He is capable, but does not have any particular predisposition for it.

Musical Intelligence drives me nuts, because we literally do not know, and I dearly wish I did. There was not a single mention of it in the whole series. As much as I want to believe in a cool headcanon of KRS being an unrealized musical genius... I think he was probably average or below average in this.

Interpersonal Intelligence stands for communication, conflict-solving, perception and the ability to forge connections with others. And while you might have some doubts about Cale, I say he IS a total pro in this. Those are all leadership skills, and Cale is one HELL of a great leader.

However...

Intrapersonal Intelligence is where Cale is severely lacking. It could be partially due to trauma, but I think at least some of it comes through his natural personality. It stands for introspection, self-reflection, the ability to understand one's motivation and general self-awareness; and that is Cale's biggest weakness, one that might actually cost him his slacker life dream in the end, due to all the misunderstandings he causes.

The last two, Naturalistic and Existential Intelligence types, are also not really Cale's forte. The first is for things like botany, biology, and zoology, paired with enjoyment of camping and hiking – none of which Cale actually does for pleasure, only because he has to. And yeah, farming is in that category too, but it's not like Cale is actually a real farmer just yet. And the second is for stuff like philosophy, considering how current actions influence future outcomes, the ability to see situations from an outside perspective and reflections into the meaning of life and death – and Cale is REALLY not interested in this type of self reflection.

Which leaves Cale with 4 types of intelligence he excels at, 2 which he is REALLY BAD at, 1 where he's below average and 1 he's probably average, with 1 left completely unknown.

Does this make Cale a genius? Pretty much, yes. Does it also make him stupid in very specific ways? VERY MUCH, YES.

[animeomegas]

Indie Otome/Amare Game Recommendation List (A+B)

[this is my list of recommendations for indie amare games starting with letters A+B. Each section provides an overview, a link, my review, and who I'd recommend the game for. Let me know if you play any of them!]

A Faerie's Tale

Overview: Essentially, this game is about a faerie who is forced to interact with humans for the first time. They are pretty clueless about human society, and come across humans good and bad. There are some funny moments, some (purposefully) frustrating ones, and plenty of heart-warming ones. It's ultimately a story about accepting change.

I'd recommend it for someone who wants to feel cosy and vaguely introspective.

Pros: Great MC, I liked the magic aspect a lot, the character art is sweet and evocative. The romances were sweet!

Cons: Couldn't for the life of me get the good ending until I looked up a guide. This could just be a skill issue on my part though.

Price: Free.

Customisation: As far as I remember, you can choose pronouns, skin colour, and two (?) body types.

Length: 58,000 words

My favourite love interest: Silas. I love gentle and serious characters that are crying out for someone to see them and invigorate their lives.

Link

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A Heart of Butterblue

Overview: After her father is murdered, Phebe moves to an isolated farming village in search of her grandfather. She finds him missing and must take care of his farm, while remaining cautious to always be asleep before dark, lest the howling creatures rip her to threads. An extremely surreal and dark mystery + farming sim that is ultimately an evocative tale about what it means to be you.

I'd recommend it for people who want a bit of mystery and some deep story themes. Mind the warnings.

Pros: The art is sets the tone very well. The mystery is intriguing as nothing makes sense at first, but when it clicks, it clicks. One of the romances is actually surprisingly sweet, I liked it a lot. I did tear up at the end.

Cons: Sometimes the farming is a little tedious and I was waiting for something to happen.

Price: Free.

Customisation: None. You play as a fully formed character, Phebe.

Length: I played it in one day, but it was pretty long, several hours at least.

My favourite love interest: Love interests are tied to endings (Good, bad, crack.) I won't spoil it but the good ending romance was very well done.

Link

................................................

A New Don

Overview: Growing up on a rural hog farm, Fia ends up chasing a promise of inheritance from her 'grandfather' to the city. Only to end up inheriting a crime family! This game is frankly hilarious. Essentially, Fia uses her rural practicality to her advantage and wrestles control (and hogs) of a deadly mafia family.

I'd recommend this game for someone who wants to laugh.

Pros: Very charming! From someone with a rural background, I loved that aspect of her character. Avoiding death (and dying) multiple times was fun. I love my giant hog daughter.

Cons: My only complaint is that it isn't a 3 hour long movie, because the dynamic is gold.

Price: Free.

Customisation: You play as a fully formed character called Fia, but you do get to name her giant hog.

Length: 24,000 words.

My favourite love interest: Andino. I love forcing stoic characters to experience emotion. He's funny, in the way that he doesn't know he's funny.

Link

................................................

A Tavern at Night

Overview: Taking shelter in an inn, you strike up conversation with a terrifying mercenary orc. This game is a conversation with the orc, and depending on your choices, there are a few ways it can go, including romance. There is also a sequel, I believe.

I'd recommend this game for someone that doesn't have much time, but does like orcs and flirting with them.

Pros: The conversation feels natural and the blushing sprite is very cute. The vibes and setting made it in my opinion.

Cons: It is VERY short.

Price: Free.

Customisation: Customisable pronouns.

Length: Very short.

My favourite love interest: N/A

Link

................................................

Adventures in Clairune

Overview: A medieval fantasy romance, where you must keep your name a secret. Essentially, you get to know one of the three love interests and uncover their backstories. The romances are very cute, and all the love interests have something that makes them worth playing.

I'd recommend this for someone who loves character driven romances, and likes their characters with a bit of tragic backstory.

Pros: Lovely art! Some great role reversal style vibes, omega energy. I am a sucker for good backstories.

Cons: Sometimes it felt a bit short for the level of character development happening, but it's not difficult to suspend disbelief.

Price: Free.

Customisation: Customisable pronouns and name. You'll also need a nickname for this game!

Length: 28,000 words.

My favourite love interest: Clover. He's another gentle, workaholic, who needs to be shown a good time. I love those. Jin is a close second though! Their story was heart-breaking, but I loved the resolution. But honestly, I enjoyed all of the characters and their backstories!! This is a game where I felt like they were all very omega coded 👀

Link

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Ballads at Midnight

Overview: A bard is exiled to a vampire's mansion as a long winded form of execution, but the vampire is bored, so she has the chance to barter for her freedom with songs. This game has a surprisingly strong mystery element, some great character dynamics and the romance does feel heartfelt. I genuinely felt for the vampire.

I'd recommend this game for someone who likes vampires, and unique twists on enemies to lovers stories. Also anyone who likes putting hot men in peril and anguish.

Pros: The mystery is kind of insane. Everything, and I mean everything, connects at the end of the game and it's very satisfying. There's partial voice acting too!

Cons: The main character is a bard, and I really don't mean to be cruel, but the singing... is not great. Another con is that I got tonsilitis half way through playing it, which is probably not the game's fault, but I can't prove that.

Price: Free.

Customisation: You play as a fully formed character, but you can change her name.

Length: 42,000 words.

My favourite love interest: N/A

Link

................................................

Blooming Panic

Overview: I feel like most people have played this, but it's about an unhappy MC escaping into a fan discord for an obscure webcomic. There are four romance options, and you get to know each of their problems and have very fun voice calls with them. Mostly character driven, with great romance.

I'd recommend this for someone who is really feeling the long distance romance vibe, and likes chaos.

Pros: Great character driven romance, fun dialogue, full (and great) voice acting.

Cons: Sometimes the massive group chats can drag a little.

Price: Free.

Customisation: As far as I remember, pronouns and username are customisable.

Length: 75,000 words.

My favourite love interest: Nightowl, I'm a nightowl girly. Yes, I understand that this is a character flaw, but I stand by my problematic babygirl. Honestly though, I like them all except Quest, who seems nice but is not my type.

Link

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[And that's my list! I recommend then all! Let me know your thoughts if you play any from the list, and look forward to my C + D recommendation list which will come out eventually haha]

[class1akids]

BNHA 423 - Thoughts (aka how to fumble your ending: a masterclass by Kohei Horikoshi)

I won't have time on Sunday, so I'll write up my chapter thoughts today. Probably the last time for this series (unless we get a Todo-family moment in the epilogue).

I've joined this fandom 6 years ago and written countless meta and analysis. I'm grieving today not that the story has come to an end, but the way it fumbled its landing.

Last chapter: Deku after a combo from everyone Rises to everyone shouting Ganbare and All Might Annointing him as HIS personal Jesus Greatest hero

This chapter:

Everyone's aggregate animosity (including 16 members of Class A - missing: Uraraka, Bakugou, Shoto and Aoyama) and the strength Deku added to OFA in 2 years kill AFO-in-Shigaraki's regen (even though he was engineered by Ujiko to be able to hold OFA).

Deku punches the body of that little crying boy he yapped about saving of the big bad and it starts to crumble. So AFO looks for a new host in Deku.

We get to the only good point in this chapter: as Aizawa is yelling for Midoriya, ShiraGiri worries about Tomura. The tragedy of how their lives went in separate ways. The only person on this battlefield who cares about Tomura is Kurogiri

WTF - I'm emotional. This must help bring Tomura back, right?

Let me see! what's happening on the vestige side?

Is Kurogiri dead? Why?

I NEED ANSWERS!!!

Or fuck that - let's get to Bakugou, because why not. Obviously, he's in desperate need of another highlight.

Let's even make sure he gets personally praised in case in the last 5 chapters he was not mentioned we forgot how he's the awesomest. Who cares about Kurogiri dying in the background? Who cares about Aizawa's or Mic's feelings? The most important question is how Bakugou got to the battlefield.

Oh, wait, here comes the twist. Remember that crappy little panel of Shoto in the last chapter? No? Don't worry. Neither does 99% of the fandom, except a few die-hard Shoto-fans.

Well, you see, that crappy panel was actually Shoto being hidden as he lifted up Deku at the end of that long combo to give him his last push. And the one above, is not a BKDK combo but an Origin Trio combo. It's just cropped the same way BKDK shippers always crop Shoto out of any Trio pictures.

Congratulations, Kohei Horikoshi-sensei! What an amazing twist. You managed to write Schroedinger's Origin Trio scene! It happened, but maybe it never did. Thanks for stringing me along all these years through the rollercoaster rides of Origins and Risings. I'll take that playground from you and give it to fanfic writers who actually care about maintaining it.

While Bakugou is yelling in the background, Deku is pulling a Mirio on AFO and calls him friendless. The worst thing that can happen to a Shonen boss.

There is some incomprehensible mumbo jumbo about OFA-magic - but don't worry peeps - it's all a set-up for Deku getting it back (in case you are one of the people who seems really to be worried about that)

And then AFO realizes - due to Deku transferring the last bit just so - that he was just a sad little human who loved his brother all along. Yoichi's lifelong efforts to make an impact on AFO didn't do anything. Only the Jesus-Punch-of-Magic did. Too bad.

Oh no, the whole fucking peanut gallery is back to nobody's surprise. (Actually All Might is missing, which may suggest Deku will only get the stockpile back). Even if Deku gets OFA back, please don't transfer these guys back. I'm so sick of them. They were a total waste of time and took Deku's precious real estate for introspection. Fuck that. I don't actually care. Deku has been damaged beyond repair.

GROUP FIST BUMP!!! Amazing Climax. Maybe a double spread, Sensei?

HK: Sorry, I used up my double spread quota on Bakugou!

I'm not one to criticize Horikoshi's artstyle, but boy, this panel is so underwhelming compared to the stuff he drew in this endgame. Is this your big AFO vs OFA clash????

What happens when Ghost Fist collides with Real blood? Of course, it will transfer all that sweet Ghost-DNA!!!

Aka - Horikoshi is saying - Don't worry, Deku won't be quirkless.

OK. Well. Let's move on.

Here is another line from Horikoshi's outline. Did you want to see a heart-warming scene between Nana and Tenko? Too bad for you. You get Bakugou, you voted for him.

(Btw, Shoto is not the only one who doesn't seem to be allowed to have a proper scene with his mom, I guess Tenko cannot even get an emotional afterlife scene. If you are an abuse-victim in story, Horikoshi says - fuck you! Take a swan dive and hope to be reborn as a bully in your next life).

Well, at least Tomura noticed that Kurogiri mysteriously died after Horikoshi couldn't think up an actual proper endgame for him.

OK, onto the MAIN ANTAGONIST's final monologue. It will be deep after being built for 400 chapters, right?

Shigaraki: Well, I didn't even manage to destroy your hand. I amount to just a crying boy.

Deku: Well, I still hate you for stabbing Kacchan and the others. (forget the others, I never cared about the others). I killed you because I was sick of your moping it's the International Board of Therapist's recommended therapy for victims of abuse and grooming.

Shigaraki: Well, what do I say to that. That's so fucking stupid.

Shigaraki: And to my gay little boyfriend, I leave my treasured Nintendo controller.

Deku: Yeah, whatever. I don't really have any thoughts. I've stopped introspection in Act 2. Your life sucked. You need to fuck off now and stop spreading the sadness, I have a victory punch to perform.

Deku: This is the story of how I became the greatest hero by punching the fuck out of this crying, abused little boy and then bathing myself in his nasty pixie dust. killing 2 main villains for the price of 1 in under 7 pages and changed the weather for the dudebros on Twitter can cry about the blue sky in the anime again. I also eradicated sadness with punching it hard enough.

Also - I probably still have a quirk. Tune in to find out in two weeks.

Sensei, with all due respect - this chapter was ass. Visually, thematically, from a storytelling point of view. Even the good ideas were executed badly or were crammed in with terrible ideas. What a fucking let-down.

Will Shigaraki go and be the hero of the villains?

I can see him reconstruct with Overhaul and magic, or I can see that we will get a reveal where Deku had the Lion Turtle solution all along and he has punched Shigaraki just at the angle to magically manifest 5-year old crying Tenko and save him and he was cold and aloof because he already "saved the boy".

I can see a BS solution incoming. But it will not fix this chapter for sure, nor the broader writing issues with Deku's character and with the Deku - Tomura dynamic.

[sansculottides]

Maximilien Robespierre was executed on July 28, 1794, or the 10th of Thermidor in the Republican Calendar. A conventional textbook may mark the end of the French Revolution with Napoleon’s coup in 1799. But Ralph Korngold, Marxist historian, wrote:

“No one man creates a revolution or carries it on, but the currents of revolution may sometimes range themselves in such a manner that the fate of one man becomes the fate of the revolution itself. ‘We did not realize,’ said Cambon, ‘that in killing Robespierre we would kill the Republic.” (From Robespierre and the Fourth Estate–the “fourth estate” here referring to the budding proletarian class of the time. Korngold gave particular attention to Robespierre’s role in the attempt to enact the Ventôse Decrees, the most revolutionary laws proposed during the Republic which would have expropriated the wealth of counter-revolutionaries to be redistributed to the propertyless.)

Napoleon’s ascent ten years after the start of the Revolution only marked the final stab in a Republic that was already good as dead. The death of Robespierre and his allies was the death of the Revolution’s radical aspirations, and allowed the propertied men to fully take charge. Though I also appreciate the sentiment that we can also mark the Revolution’s end a bit after Robespierre, with the death of Babeuf, the “proto-communist."

Anyway, what I really wanted to do was talk about a phenomenal short film that came out this year (on Robespierre’s birthday), “La mort de Robespierre” by smileyfaceorg/Janelle Feng (who has done so much amazing art about Robespierre and the French Revolution).

The film focuses on the night before 10 Thermidor, before Robespierre’s forceful arrest. This historical episode has been depicted before, in various ways. In the 1989 movie La Revolution Francaise, Robespierre had gone insane at this point, an interpretation that fed off of years of black propaganda. In Feng’s film, Robespierre is depressed, remorseful and self-loathing, an interpretation that does have its footing in historical record. In the months leading up to his arrest, Robespierre was frequently sick from the mental exhaustion of running and defending the Republic.

Mental health isn’t a new thing, though we have admittedly only recently begun to be articulate on the subject. Mental health amongst revolutionaries isn’t new either. Even Lenin died of sickness likely compounded by the stress of protecting the Revolution’s gains. In the 1871 Paris Commune, the commune council was “a working, not a parliamentary body [but] executive and legislative at the same time,” which allowed members to fully dedicate themselves to the cause of building a socialist future, but also burdened them with a punishing workload with little room for rest, and the mental exhaustion that naturally follows. I’m sure every person in any radical movement knows the weight of the struggle, but that’s one reason why it must be a collective effort.

At one point in the film Saint-Just looks at the 1793 Declaration of Rights on the wall and comments “To think we made that.” It’s another historically-rooted moment, as there was at least one eyewitness account claiming he did something like that on that night. I think the presence of the 1793 Declaration also ties the film in with the radical tradition of interpreting the Revolution. The ‘93 Declaration was more egalitarian than the initial 1789 Declaration, signed off by a pressured Louis XVI and also the one more textbooks would remember.

I love the use of comic elements too. Comic devices in film would make me think of stuff like Spiderverse or Scott Pilgrim where it’s fun and wacky, but in this film Feng uses comic devices to contract and expand space and time to an introspective yet claustrophobic effect. Especially the scenes where panels surrounded by negative space hint at Robespierre’s inner turmoil. It works really well; comic elements can work like poetry, after all.

I love stuff like this, art that is rooted in history (with quite scholarly rigor) while also aiming to go beyond academic scholarship. You can’t quite explore things like emotions and human experience the same way you can through art. Art like this film looks at historical facts and tries to fill in the gaps. How did they feel about this, what kind of effect did it have? And it explores how these historical people and episodes were human. More importantly, it does so with empathy and purpose, keeping in the “spirit” of the historical figures depicted. If you truly read Robespierre, you wouldn’t give in to lazy portrayals of a mad dictator. In contrast, Feng’s short film shows so much care and attention for this person in the past.

I’m so happy that someone like Feng is making art about the French Revolution. Most of the films, novels, games, etc that come out about the French Rev usually just follow the boring, very liberal and mainstream narratives, and calumnies about Robespierre being a dictator or various other kinds of monsters (not true). Korngold wrote about this too: “The Red Terror appears unpardonable to the Whites, and the White Terror to the Reds. Carlyle penetrates closely to the truth when he says that the reason the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution has received so much scathing comment, is mainly because it was directed against the privileged classes and their followers and not against ‘the voiceless millions.’”

Like the rest of history, our interpretation of the French Revolution exposes the undercurrents of ideology, conscious or not. Our ideas of who should be in power, who should be listened to. Ultimately, it did end as a revolution of the budding bourgeoisie, but before that defeat, there were revolutionaries who imagined and fought for a new future for all. Not just a political revolution, but a social and economic one. We should remember their revolutionary example. There is a reason, after all, why the Soviets held the likes of Robespierre, Saint-Just and Marat in high regard.

[missmeinyourbones]

Hiiiii L!!! Congrats on ur milestone bby!! It was so hard to choose a prompt I was stuck on so many of them but I’d love to see ur take on the prompt “weird, but fucking beautiful” with Touya<333

WEIRD, BUT FUCKING BEAUTIFUL (t. todoroki)

a/n: bad communicator dabi, reader has a birthmark, descriptions of skin and scarring (???) angsty undertones but ultimately very soft (like dabi), i love u oz

L’s MIDNIGHTS EVENT!

There's a lot that Dabi can't say.

He thinks his lack of verbal charisma was wired into his brain and decided by the stars above from the very moment he was born into this world.

It's not for a lack of feeling, he likes to justify. In his head, Dabi has said what he would deem to be Shakespearean things about how much he loves you—but when it comes time to turn those thoughts into syllables from his lips, they never sound nearly as nice.

Something Dabi is good at, he likes to think, is admiring you. It comes natrually, he doesnt need to think about it.

He loves learning about your body, finding out new things about your skin and shape and self. Enjoys learning how you like to be touched, how you like to be loved without the words he can't really say. He thinks that must be how people in love feel, a bit foolish but willing to sit in silence just to catch a glimpse of something worth while.

Having crawled out of bed and whined about your soreness from last night, you search the room for your discarded jeans. And Dabi does what he does best and watches you.

He appreciates how your skin stretches and bounces when you bend down to grab your pants. How it pudges by your hips and tummy when you shimmy into your jeans and fasten your zipper. He likes how your arms flex and arch as you button your bra around your torso—and he loves how your tiny little birthmark on your back contorts with the normalcy of it all.

It's moments like these, horribly mundane and, for a lack of a better word, boring, that make Dabi realize just how lost in you he actually is. The way you exist, ridiculously regular and undeniably human, makes him want to cry, sometimes. He doesn't think you realize how special that is, to be normal.

Your irritated tone interrupts (what you don't know to be) his sweet introspection.

"Would you stop that?"

You see the smallest twinge of a smile from the corner of his mouth when he plays along.

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like that," he watches you shrink beneath his heavy gaze.

"Like what?"

You raise your eyebrows at him, in a look that reads nothing but annoyed, and he allows himself to huff out a sound of amusement at how easily aggravated you get sometimes.

"Oh come on, don't be pissy," he teases, but you choose to ignore his taunt and continue getting dressed.

He continues to watch you twist into your shirt, and he's grateful it's sleeveless as it leaves the pretty little imprint beneath your shoulder within his sight. He watches you catch his eye a few times, sees how you grow more irritated with each and every flicker of his stare on your skin.

When you (not so) gently scoot past him to collect your phone from the nightstand, he's quick to wrap his fingers around your wrist and guide you closer to him.

With a scowl on your face, you let him. His hand finds your chin, turning you upward to look at him, pout and all.

"Hey," he whispers with a bit of an edge, one he doesn't mean to have but has accepted as a part of him. When you flicker your eyes over him, he softens his bite a bit, "Talk."

After a sigh or two, your response comes shy, flushed.

"I don't like when you stare at me like that," you whisper against his palm and he can feel the heat of your cheeks flooding with embarrassment.

"Feels like you're making fun of me or something."

"Making fun of you?" his face frowns in genuine confusion. "The fuck are you talking about?"

Not sure if he's fucking with you or not, you take a beat to read his expression. He's serious, for once—you can tell there's no ill will in his furrowed brows and slightly concerned eyes.

Eventually, you deflate and state the obvious, "You're looking at my birthmark."

…Yeah?

"And?" he decides to say instead.

"And I hate it," your voice becomes a bit more strained, "so stop looking at it."

Genuinely confused at the sudden tension between you two, Dabi shrugs and loosens his grip on your jaw, leaving his hand gently ghosting your skin instead of holding you in place.

He sounds a bit critical when he scoffs, "What's there to hate? It's a birthmark."

"It's gross and weirdly shaped and ugly."

And he can't but wince at the pure irony of your words. Because you're always the first person to kiss his scars, trace their growing and scaling patches, and remind him that they're beautiful because they're his.

And here you are, loathing something as measly as a barely noticeable birthmark for the sole reason that it's yours.

He wants to tell you what you tell him, that it's beautiful because it's yours. That he wants to trace it with his tongue and see its outline when he closes his eyes.

But Dabi isn't that poetic, so he settles for shrugging and using his free hand to reach out and touch it.

As his calloused thumb skims the mark, he hums to himself in thought.

"Was thinking about how it's kinda shaped like a mushroom."

He smiles a bit when your eyes roll at his statement. Your skin heats up again when you weakly remind him that, "It's weird."

"Yeah," he merely agrees with a soft nod, "but it doesn't make me want you any less."

Gently, he takes the pad of his thumb and lovingly swipes it across your bottom lip, caressing the skin and attempting to let his touch say what his words can't.

And you know, he knows you know. Because even though Dabi isn't great with words and can't say what he means, what he feels, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. He feels it more deeply than anyone you've ever known.

In the softness of the moment, you cock your head to the side and gently bite down on the length of this thumb. It's unexpected but doesn't hurt, and Dabi knows you well enough to know what it says. Thank you. I love you.

He nearly blushes at the intimacy, mumbling out a sarcastic, "Fuckin' ow."

"Don't be a baby," you choose to gently kiss the spot you sunk your teeth into, "that didn't hurt."

It didn't, he thinks. I liked it.

Again, his tongue betrays him, "You're so weird."

Allowing yourself to lean into his touch, your voice taunts him a bit. "But that doesn't make you want me any less, does it?"

Dabi chooses the easy way out and simply kisses you, and through this tongue gently prodding at your bottom lip, you know his answer.

No, it doesn't.

[nerdy-nook]

Giving My Favorite Characters Weed: Voltron Edition

VLD is obviously set in the future, so let's just say weed is legal. You can get it if you're 18 and have a medical card or are 21 without a med card.

Shiro

Refuses to smoke because it's bad for your lungs.

"The only thing humans should be breathing in is oxygen"

He uses gummies though.

Got his med card when he was 18 to help with the chronic pain brought on by his disability.

The Garrison is ok with weed as long as the user has a medical card, no matter the age.

Probably prefers the body high edibles give because it's a break from the constant pain.

Used to get super blasted with Matt. Shiro would be trying to have a deep conversation with him but Matt's too geeked to understand anything that's happening.

Keith

Definitely smoked underaged, this kid was in the foster care system.

Doesn't like to get too high because it makes him feel out of control.

Has a soft spot for music when he's high. He'd get the music blaring as loud as he wanted in his cabin and let himself get taken away by the sound.

Joints are his favorite way to smoke.

First tried it when he was 15. He caught one of the older kids at the group home smoking it, he offered Keith a couple of hits so he'd keep quiet. (Not that he would've told anyway).

Introduced James to weed.

Prefers to smoke alone, though he does like to hang out with Shiro when he's high.

He likes the introspective thoughts he gets while high and likes to look inward and do some self-reflection.

Lance

Social smoker!

No literally, he only does it when other people are doing it.

Tried it for the first time at a family get-together when he was 16. His cousin let him try some saying "I'd rather you do it in the house than on the street."

Gets the giggles. Seriously he laughs at everything.

Likes to go for walks while high, as soon as the joint hits his lips he's on the move.

Lance doesn't like to smoke alone because he gets way too into his head. He starts to worry about what people think of him, if his friends are really his friends, etc.

Hunk

Have you ever seen a food creation so wild that you think "Ok, whoever came up with this had to have had the munchies."

Yeah, that's Hunk.

His brain just goes wild with different ideas for recipes when he's stoned. He has a notebook for it!

Does not move after smoking. His tolerance is superrrr low so it only takes a little bit for him to be lying on the floor unmoving.

"Hunk? You good buddy?"

*Hunk, lying sprawled out like a starfish* "mmmm great!"

Lance is running around and wants to go for a walk and Hunk is just like wtf.

Only started when Lance proposed a group smoke sesh. (edibles for Shiro)

Pidge

Did NOT smoke underage, her mom would've killed her.

She gets so creative. Give this girl a nice Sativa and she's off working on projects, furiously scribbling ideas in her notebook.

Found Matt's old stash when she was younger, and had no idea what it was. She asked Matt why he had a bag full of loose-leaf tea. (Ik she's a genius but come on, this girl had no idea about anything drug-related).

LOVES to game after a nice big hit. Any game will do as long as she's with her buddies.

Gets really into the growing process. She ends up experimenting with different strains and cross-breeding.

Not to mention she likes to make her own edibles, and she gets really into the science behind it. Testing how different strains feel and experimenting with different flavors.

[arcanarix]

Prompt: Gojo introspection, Gojo X Reader, angst, fluff. (omniscient pov, kinda)

Reader comforts Gojo while he seems too lost in his head.

There’s an old adage Gojo’s read somewhere, or probably listened to on some podcast: everyone is both uniquely the same . . . and profoundly different. 

It’s true. Everyone experiences similar events, or feels similar feelings, or thinks similar thoughts. So what actually makes them uniquely different? Is it their reactions to such things? 

Or perhaps just environmental impact? 

Is it a combination of various things? From individual growth, customs and traditions, talents and abilities? 

These are philosophies that plague Satoru’s mind now and again. If everyone is both uniquely the same and profoundly different, then what makes someone stand out? 

What makes him so goddamn infuriatingly special that he has to be kept around as a tool for the greater good? 

It’s too much to put on someone as full of youth as he, but many around him appear to disagree.

Are you the strongest because you’re Satoru Gojo, or are you Satoru Gojo because you’re the strongest? 

You’re so arrogant.

Damn, his old friend taunting him even long after death.

You’re so arrogant.

And so what if he is? Not like Geto’s any better–thinking he can slaughter non-sorcerers for the funsies in an attempt to avenge someone. Might be a noble cause if not for the genocides.

“Satoru?” 

Snapping himself out of his thoughts, he meets your gaze, and tries to level himself. Yeah, he’s been doing that more and more often. The anniversary is approaching and he does still pay his respects in spite of everything that’s happened. His teammates understand. 

He hopes they do, anyway.

“What’s up?” 

“Thought we lost you to Gojo Land for a bit. Need to talk?” You’re always the first to offer an ear, and a shoulder to lean on, at that. Gojo has come to appreciate that, as someone who is usually vehemently against asking for help in these scenarios. No one likes being perceived as weak or helpless.

Well. More like it’s HIM who hates being perceived as weak or helpless and can’t sift through his own fair share of trauma . . . 

“Just thinking,” he begins, adjusting his headband. “The anniversary’s next weekend.”

“Anni—oh,” you remember. “Do you want me to accompany you?” 

“No need. Scars may not heal, but they do fade.” 

So, they still linger, you want to add but keep to yourself. You’re there to be a friend. Whatever he needs. 

“I can still be with you, just ring me up. Whatever you need,” you tell him. 

“Does that mean I get a kiss as a bonus?” he teases, as if to lighten up the sullen mood. 

You can’t help rolling your eyes in spite of trying your best not to be a little snarky. Now’s not the time or place but Gojo seems to have other things in mind. Smiling, you kiss him on the cheek. 

His face falls as he laments. “That’s it?” 

“Hey, you said a kiss. You didn’t say where to kiss you. Besides, don’t cha think it’s in bad taste?”

“You said you’d do anything if it’s to help me in mourning.”

“Yeah. As far as I understand, making out in front of your ex bestie's grave doesn’t cut it.”

May not have had a body to bury, but Geto has a place.

“Awww. Cheated from a kiss. Boo.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

[crguang]

how do you think kafka would fall in love with her s/o? like what does she notice first and makes her want to know her future s/o more. would love to hear your thoughts

i love any excuse to yap about kafka let me think… imo to catch kafka’s attention you would have to stand out a little. she lives a very exciting life and i think she’d be attracted to bold personalities, people with a certain talent she admires, just someone who kinda stands out from the crowd in any way. that would pique her curiosity for sure, but i do think she loves boldness in general. someone who can tell her to go to hell? someone who isn’t afraid of her and who plays hard to get a little? she’d want you so bad. would go out of her way to get on your nerves because she wants your attention, and that can translate as either pissing you off by being annoying or being excessively flirty, suggestive, sending you lots of things… i think the first step or indication that kafka’s getting emotionally involved is her need for attention from her s/o and the time dedicated to you. shes not clingy but she’ll take the time to check up on you even if she’s worlds away by calling or texting just to talk to you, she asks questions like “miss me?” and stuff because she wants you to say yes, buys stuff that make her think of you, etc etc. the feelings come after you’ve built a corner for yourself in her mind. i headcanon kafka as someone who intellectualizes her feelings more than she feels them, so she’s able to tell how shes feelings without necessarily feeling the emotions, so in consequence of that she realizes them a bit late. emotions that are instantaneous like anger or disgust don’t require much intellectualization, but love is slow to build and it would certainly silently creep up on her until it’s too late to remove herself from the situation. i hc that love/romantic feelings are the one thing that will always surprise her, at least from her part. she doesn’t ask herself “do i have a crush on them…?” like most people would do, that introspection about her feelings wouldn’t come naturally to her because she doesn’t expect them. so by the time she realizes that she loves someone it’s like “oh. shit.” cause things just got complicated very quickly

kafka prides herself on knowing people, it’s part of her power/advantage over them and she just likes observing human nature in general so once she’s curious about you she will want to know you. knowledge eliminates surprises and i just feel like if she’s intrigued she’s certainly gonna do something about it. she has no shame or anxiety like 😭 she’ll approach you no problem depending on the context, but she’ll also spend a lot of time observing you. she’s good at reading people and their body language so trust she notices the little things, they all contribute in painting a picture of you in her mind which will in turn make her feel more in control. the thing with kafka imo is that control is very important to her, and you can’t have intimacy and control in a relationship; intimacy requires risk and vulnerability and she’ll never fully expose herself, but what’s a little annoying is that she’ll probably expect that from you. she understands you but you don’t necessarily understand her. this is how she treats her relationships and it kinda sucks because u can never have complete intimacy if there’s a power imbalance in terms of vulnerability. at least in social psychology lmfao

but yeah falling in love is a slow process and it’s definitely obvious cause we know how she acts when she cares (with the tb) and it’s made painfully clear, so if you pay a little attention to her behavior towards you vs others you’ll be able to realize it maybe even before she does 😭 it’s endearing really. i can’t tell you how exactly she’d fall in love bc it depends on the context but once the train is in motion there’s no stopping it

[aihoshiino]

chapter 150 thoughts!

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Entirely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 7…. ttttttechnically? they don't actually mention that the kiss happened, so i'm counting it…

ladies, gentlemen and those who know better, our long national nightmare is finally over

after… literally I've lost count of how long it's been since we had some proper Aqua introspection, our landmark chapter 150 is almost entirely dedicated to putting us back in Aqua's head (quite literally!) and sort of catching up with him. Some things about Aqua that have been mostly only communicated through showing over telling are explicitly told in text and i'm ngl, there's one or two things where seeing textual confirmation of them got me barking like a fucking dog. Overall, while the pacing of the start of this arc has been bit clunky and this chapter itself isn't free of that either, it actually feels like things are moving and meaningful characterization is happening which after the Movie Arc is a bit of a luxury lol.

As usual, I want to gush about Mengo's art before I touch on anything else. Setting the majority of this chapter in a dream sequence allowed her to do some incredibly fun things with the staging and imagery here. Aqua in that eerie void with his feet drenched in blood… Aqua and Gorou still stuck in that hallway where Ai died, while Ruby has managed to take steps to leave… It's so fucking good.

There were some absolutely top tier Kanas this chapter, too… her little baby tantrum in flashback and that gorgeous final page of her… But I'm getting ahead of myself.

While I described this chapter up top as being communicating things about Aqua, it very much feels to me like it's also serving as closure for Gorou, both in the sense of him as a person and resolving the posthumous arc that he's been going on as part of Aqua. This chapter at last draws a clear and explicit distinction between the two, that Aqua is no longer Gorou, even if he might have been built on the foundation of his identity. Gorou is even described as a 'role' that Aqua has been compelled to play that Gorou himself is now urging him to step down from - he is offering to relinquish Aqua's future back to him… if that's what Aqua wants.

This was how I'd initially read the relationship back in my 143 review - that 'Aqua Hoshino' created from Gorou, his core values and driving ideals, but 18+ years of living a whole new life in a whole new social role, meeting people and having experiences Gorou would never have and literally having a different body and brain in the process have made him different and the sum total of those differences is the person we call Aqua Hoshino. This chapter seems to lean into this interpretation, casting them as a pair of briefly intersecting lines that once crossed but have now diverged onto their own paths.

I also just really liked the dynamic that they were shown to have this chapter. Whenever we've seen this conflict externalized in the past, Gorou has always been this frightening, overwhelming presence whose existence actively prevents Aqua from having any kind of happiness or peace. Here, though, they have a much less adversarial energy, which is a really nice reflection of Aqua being able to gradually start pulling himself out of the shit he's been stuck in. Gorou almost feels fatherly or big brotherly here, not just in how he behaves in regards to Sarina-as-Ruby, but for Aqua, too.

But……….. okay, I'll stop dodging around the elephant in the room now lol

After over 25 chapters of very deliberately avoiding putting us in his headspace, 150 finally puts the ball in Aqua's court vis-a-vis the AquRuby tension and he answers in a way I think would be pretty hard to walk back: That Ruby is his precious sister and that's it. That her feelings for him are the result of her projecting Gorou onto him, chasing a ghost that is fading from this world and that she does not actually love him. Whoof.

This was another thing where seeing it in text felt pretty great. I'd caught pretty early on that there was a weird divide in the way the story was handling the AquRuby dynamic - namely, that there wasn't an AquRuby dynamic and all the supposed ship development of it was largely happening in retrospect, beefing up the intensity of the GRSR relationship and having Ruby express her feelings to Gorou-through-Aqua. When the idea of Aqua and Ruby romance was floated, by contrast, it was always treated like a gag. With the Movie arc being as much of a mess as it was, it was hard to work out what the intentionality of that was (if there was any to begin with) but this seems to make it about as clear as it can be: neither Gorou or Aqua have any had any feelings of that sort of Sarina-through-Ruby and neither of them want to pursue romance with them.

Once again tapping into my powers of Claire-voyance, I already know a lot of people are trying to insist that this is Aqua lying to himself or 'settling' and that he does secretly want a relationship with Ruby for reals! but that really isn't how it comes across to me in the art. He's calm, speaks straightforwardly and without hesitation and makes his point pretty clear. We know how it looks when OnK character lie to themselves and this isn't really it. It would also just be strange for that to be the case when this is a scene about Aqua starting to consider the idea of moving past the things that hurt him and live out his future with someone.

And who that someone is… seems to be coming into focus, but I don't think we'll be getting there quite yet.

I will say that for as much as I liked this as a chapter and as a goodbye for Gorou… it kind of doesn't really make a lot of sense as a resolution for his guilt lol. This chapter frames things in such a way that centers his guilt on Sarina and that seeing her live her life as Ruby has given him some catharsis over it. This is a sweet idea but… that's, uh, not how this was framed anytime prior! When we've seen Gorou intrude on Aqua's happiness before, his self hate and his guilt all center on Ai's death and his inability to save her. The last time we saw him in this capacity in 95, that's what he was saying with his whole chest: that he deserves to suffer as punishment for Ai's suffering, Ai's death. I'm sure that knowing Sarina is living on as Ruby was very cathartic but… it has nothing to do with Ai! Why is this being framed as narratively resolved in this way?

Like… if I chew on it a bit, I can make it make sense: since chapter 1, Gorou has been pretty open about projecting Sarina onto Ai, processing his grief that way and imagining her living vicariously through Ai's success. The idea of Ruby doing the same by continuing Ai's legacy and keeping her radiance alive being the thing that gives him release over Ai's death is interesting and I can understand it emotionally, it just feels like a weird unexplained leap for the narrative to make. I was talking to a friend about it, trying to work it out by externalizing it, and they theorized that this was always the intended endpoint of Gorou's posthumous arc but that the story had drifted in the middle section and Akasaka hadn't quite realigned them. This makes a lot of sense to me and I wouldn't be surprised if it was the case.

I will say that it really bugs me. I've already talked about the ways Ai's importance to the twins as their mother has been gradually downplayed and diluted as the Movie Arc has gone on. In my original post, I attributed this to Akasaka trying to amp up the intensity of the GRSR -> AQRB relationship in a soap opera-y sort of way, but given that this chapter seems to shut down AquRuby, I don't really know if that's the case. In general, Ai has been treated as sort of narratively 'resolved' as of 137, as if that chapter was the capstone to her posthumous character arc and while that might be the case for Ruby… I really don't think it is for Aqua!

It's possible that this is intentional. Aqua still has a shitton of work to do on unfucking his relationship with Ai and the ways his view of her, as implied by the Movie Arc, is warped by his grief. I could see this final stretch of the story being primarily about that - after all, this chapter is about confronting Aqua with the binary choice of revenge or love. In a lot of ways, this has always been what he's struggling with but putting the ball this firmly in his court establishes Ai's death entirely as his own trauma that he has to work through on his own. After all, Aqua might have confronted Gorou in this chapter, but there's a certain someone we also saw in chapter 95 that Aqua hasn't dealt with yet…

I'm talking about Kana, obviously! (ducks thrown tomatoes)

I don't have a ton to say about the AQKN romance setup in this chapter other than… yeah, I kinda saw this coming! It's interesting to see Gorou, the representation of Aqua's guilt and self destruction, be the one to so directly confront him and push him towards trying to find some happiness with her. Aqua quietly noting that he knows the things he likes about Kana and he knows that moving on with her makes a lot of sense - but what makes this especially interesting is the way it mirrors Kana's own reflection on her relationship with Aqua at the end of the chapter.

I like that a lot of the AQKN moments the two reflect on are just… mundane, everyday instances of the two of them stumbling through life together. I've seen a lot of people say AQKN is 'boring' or 'flat' because it lacks the drama of AQAK or AQRB but honestly, I feel like this is what makes it work (when it does work) - their relationship, whatever form it takes, is a safe and quiet space where they can just exist outside the drama and transactional utility of so many of their other relationships.

That said, while those montages mirror each other, what makes them interesting is their divergence point. Kana decides to commit to choosing 'love', with that absolutely gorgeous full page panel, but Gorou hands the knife - the symbol of the violence that blighted Aqua's life - back to him and makes it clear that love or revenge, the choice is now entirely in Aqua's hands. We don't see what he chooses, but… if Oshi no Ko really is a story with a happy ending, I think it's a foregone conclusion. And that makes me really happy.

Not that it's happening anytime soon, lol. I'll be very shocked if Kana's confession doesn't result in a rejection from Aqua, at least at this point in time - there's too much else going on in the story for this to be the right place for Aqua to commit to Kana. She's still an idol, after all and Kamiki is still around. The bets I'm placing right now are that AQKN are going to get their resolution, whatever form it takes, at the Dome concert during or after Kana's graduation.

As for their date… Call me cynical, but I also don't see it going particularly well. After all…

Aren't we forgetting somebody?

[x-for-a-y]

re: my last post (again) here are my thoughts on what kind of reasonable lasting or short-term effects being goners would have on the doatk cast in a post-canon revival setting:

jake: i already headcanon him as being disabled, something akin to chronic fatigue or insomnia or POTS. so getting all the wires out... either his preexisting conditions make recovery harder or the lasting effects themselves are mainly just exacerbating his old issues. but regardless. rollator jake real guptill: the main thing he'd have to deal with is just being fucking Out Of It. getting used to having direct, normal control over his body again. like in the long-term he'll be alright it's just going to be a rough first few days being back in his body edmund: this would be easier to determine if he were less ambiguously human from the get-go so. fuck it. heightened allergen sensitivity acquired star warriors: kirby bounces back fine, he just needs a few days to relax some, and his friends like bandana dee notice he's more tired & give him some help & kindness. meta knight also probably could use some time off but he's not going to give himself any, & his crew certainly can't get him to, so eventually dedede's the one who buckles down and makes sure all his buddies are feeling well again demo: she's fine. i don't have anything else to say hamood: now on one hand that's a fucked up transformation. on the other hand that's a lot more to clearly get reset back to normal. & on the other hand he's, what, 5? i think he does end up with slightly out-of-whack proportions from all this- his wings in particular turn out on the side of too large -but it'd probably take another 8 years for stuff like corrective surgery or just physical therapy & shit to be considered at: unfortunately i never watched this show so while the long-term effects are pretty up in the air i don't think the short-term effects are any worse than what can be covered in, like, a couple episode's time. like maybe jake needs a good pep talk or two from people to feel comfortable in his body again & finn has to learn to not run away from his issues. something like that kebian + will: will goes home and vents a little about the experience to his partner(s? i don't watch all his stuff). kebin, meanwhile, only turns to a bit of introspection out of competitiveness for what ian does, and thinks to himself that maybe the wall is a little fucked up then goes no further; ian takes up yoga/other mindfulness-focused athletics in order to feel more at home in his body. korone: probably spends the first few days aching like a motherfucker, the sort of full-body soreness you only get from like climbing a mountain or a way-too-intense workout. once it stops hurting to breathe she probably goes back to gaming just to keep her mind off stuff & maybe picks up streaming again not long after but it's at least a couple weeks before she's at base physical performance again. morty: dude i don't know. i think it makes the most sense for him to fuck off & resume a lifestyle of peaceful hedonism & self-care. no way he's going to start being introspective about stuff until he's like. 40. i don't watch the show dreem himself i have nothing to say about but, going with the assumption that the puppet, me, & you are all versions of the same person: physically i can just say they deal with generally reduced stamina, mentally meanwhile. for their own health & safety they log the fuck off most places and try to enjoy the music they like without getting bogged down in the awkwardly online social kinds of things and then. i don't know, some kingdom hearts shit happens to it- it spends time offline & otherwise with friends trying to figure out its own emotions -and it regrows a heart/soul. mozart: he got hit with the hypermobility beam! oh shit! knee braces wrist braces a brace for the spine, you name it he uses it. bonus roommate: two dimensional in the adam ruins everything animated insert way. yeah it's fucked up. yeah he'll never fully be, like, a regular human.

[crysabie]

CG!Sam Cat!Bucky Petre fic!

This is my Petre Bucky fic I brought up a while ago! I decided to publish it here because I found it easier to find Petre fans here than on ao3. The title is "If you would just make one mistake (what a relief that would be)". The title is a reference to "The Only Heartbreaker" by Mitski. Fair warning: this is an introspective angst fic that references canon-typical violence. I hope you enjoy it!

-Sabie 🩷🤎🩶

P.S. - I don't think this fic needs any trigger warnings, but it does feature paranoia/anxiety and mentions flashbacks. It also has unfriendly attitudes towards petre, though they're not from any of our main characters. Let me know if you think I should warn you about anything else!

If you would just make one mistake (what a relief that would be)

-

There's a thing called "maladaptive daydreaming" where you spend your whole life thinking about what it would be like to have a better life. There's another thing called an "unhealthy coping mechanism" which is when you do something bad to try and stop other bad things from happening, like smoking to stop the shakes. His therapist calls him one and Sam calls him the other, but whatever- Bucky likes to be a cat. Sue him.

Bucky doesn't know if he's always wanted to be a cat, but now that Steve's out of the picture and can't give him those big doe eyes when he curls up on the couch or pushes his head against Sam's leg for pets, he does it a lot more often. Sam will sometimes give him a weird look and mutter under his breath, but cats don't care about what their owner says unless it's about food, so he lets it go. And even if he did care, he wouldn't let it bother him, because Sam is a very good owner. He shaves Bucky's face and gives him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and even buys Bucky a heat lamp so he can stretch out on the carpet in the winter months when the sun sets at five. Bucky thinks he likes Sam more than Steve, a little bit, but Sam gets mad whenever Bucky says that so he doesn't. Instead, he'll push his head against Sam's thigh because he can't curl his big body into his lap like a real cat would. That could be part of why it's maladaptive; that could be why it's not a good way to cope. Bucky shuts the thought down and lets his mind go quiet as Sam runs his fingers through Bucky's hair and pulls gently until the tangles are out. Bucky hardly ever has tangles these days because Sam is so good at doing his hair. Still, Sam makes a noise in the back of his throat.

"I'm thinking we should cut your hair a little. That okay?" Bucky just purrs.

Sometimes Sam wants him to be human. Bucky hates it, because when he's human he has to think Bad Thoughts about Bad People and then feel everything that comes with Bad Thoughts and Bad People, but Sam is his owner and he knows what's important. Bucky has to be human when he goes to the therapist, or when they talk about changes in the routine, or when Sam has his friends over. Sam tells him that all of his friends are Bucky's friends but Bucky doesn't believe that. If Sam's friends were Bucky's friends they would let him be a cat, right? But Bucky has to pack up his dishes, his nice brush, and the big nest of blankets Sam lets him have on the living room floor and move it all into Bucky's bedroom so they can shut the door on it. He tries not to panic when Sam takes the collar off and puts it away but it almost feels like a rejection, like taking the mask off after a mission without getting as much as a 'good boy' from his handlers. Sam always tells him he's been a good boy when he's a cat, even when all he did was brush his teeth without asking or put his hair up. Sam doesn't tell him that now, just looks at him all serious with his intense eyes and tells Bucky that he needs to be human. Bucky nods; he can't trust himself to speak.

Natasha arrives first. Ever since SHIELD went kaput Natasha has been doing a lot of "freelance spy work", which mostly means doing things illegally but being sneaky enough to not get caught. Bucky used to do freelance spy work for a while, back when he didn't know who he was but had gotten away from HYDRA. It was a bad time. He doesn't like to think about it; he likes to lick his paws and hide under the big chairs Sam bought just for him to crawl under instead, but he's human right now.

After Natasha - his mind still calls her Natalia, still remembers that room - Wanda comes. Wanda disturbs him more than Natasha because she joined HYDRA on purpose. Bucky didn't want to and for Natalia, it was an accident, but Wanda wanted it. She is good now, or so Sam tells him, but he still raises his hackles when he sees her. Sam taps his hand lightly to cut off the hissing noise beginning to emanate from his mouth.

"Hey Nat, Wanda," Sam greets carelessly, "glad you could make it." Bucky is still tense, even with Sam's hand on his shoulder now. Bucky remembers hearing about these plans the last time he was human, and Sam had been insistent on inviting-

"Hey, Buck." Bucky wants to throw up. Steve is there, with his big doe eyes, his savior complex, and his tin container of apple pie. Steve always brings food to events even though he can't cook and it's never asked for. Sam makes better pie and Bucky knows that, knows because Sam gave him a little as a treat once with a bowl of milk like he really was a cat having something it shouldn't. Bucky had felt euphoric for days even if he never told Sam. Bucky told his therapist instead and he lets his therapist know every time that they can tell Sam anything, and even if his therapist says they won't he hopes they're lying. But Steve is here even though he tells his therapist and Sam that he makes him uncomfortable, standing there with a sealed pie tin from some artisan bakery and leaning in to hug Bucky. Bucky hunches his shoulders up by his ears, so far that it smushes Sam's hand into his face and he tries not to cry because this is the closest thing he'll get to a pet all day. Steve hugs him for what feels like forever before Sam distracts him and asks Steve to help set the table. Bucky feels relief before he realizes that both Natasha and Wanda are staring at him with their big eyes like they can see through him. He needs to get out of here. Sam is gone and he can't crawl under the big chairs Sam bought for him and he can't feel his collar on his neck and he feels like he's free falling, like he's spinning out of control.

"Are you alright, Yasha?" Natalia asks. She looks at him like she can see the word "maladaptive" written on his forehead. Like she somehow knows he's "unhealthy". Bucky nods tightly and takes little sucking breaths through his nose because he can't purr right now to try and calm down. He inches away from the redheads and scoots closer towards Sam. Sam is better even if he is with Steve.

"Buck," Steve greets kindly, "I was just telling Sam about that Red Sox game you took me to right before I got pneumonia." Steve looks at him expectantly and Bucky feels sick again. Bucky knows the game he's talking about and remembers the midday heat and the sudden storm that somehow didn't stop the game. He remembers little Stevie, wet as paper in a puddle but refusing to go home and getting sick as a dog the next day. He remembers how he coughed like he was drowning on dry land and how Bucky lost his job at the pizzeria because he stayed home to take care of him. It's the expectation on Steve's face, though - it's frightening. Just because Bucky can remember doesn't mean that it was him, not any more than his human is him. Bucky is a cat now, and whatever he is or whatever he pretends to be is dead. He's a zombie when Sam needs him to be and a corpse when Steve wants his old pal. He's not good enough. He'll never be good enough.

"I tried to get you to leave, punk," is what leaves his mouth instead. The words feel like dialing a rotary number based on muscle memory and not knowledge; the phrasing and accent are old tombs Bucky doesn't recall dusting off. And yet they're still there, pristine and pretty when he needs them, but held behind this invisible barrier of 'not his'. Steve breaks into the sunniest smile Bucky's ever seen and Sam runs his fingers over Bucky's knuckles as he sets down the forks. It's not a good job but it's the best he's going to get.

Bucky feels like he's out of his body for the entire conversation with Steve, like the ghost of James Buchanan Barnes possessed him and is having a grand old time speaking to his old friend Steven G. Rogers. Even Sam and Natasha look impressed, though Wanda's eyes bore into him with a unique blankness. They all take a seat at the table and Sam serves them all some fresh greens with a black dressing. Bucky leans down to lick at it like he always does with strange foods but jerks back up at a strange ringing. When Bucky eyes Sam he sees that he's hit his fork against his glass.

"Mmm, salad," Sam says. Everyone at the table laughs; is it funny? It must be, even if it was just a reminder to Bucky that he needs to use his fork. Bucky picks it up in his flesh hand even if it's his non-dominant one, afraid he might scratch the metal with his other one. Bad cats don't get treats and Bucky wants to be a good cat, even if the only reward is a bad imitation of Sam's pie.

The dressing is balsamic vinegar and lays in thin black strands all over Bucky's baby spinach like squid ink pasta. The flavor is strangely sweet and tastes nothing like squid ink pasta, but Bucky still tries very hard not to remember the first time he had it. His therapist said that when he's facing a bad or scary memory he should try and ground himself. He focuses on the sweet taste of the balsamic vinegar and feels the snap of arugula under his teeth while listening to Sam's idle chatter. It is not squid ink pasta. He can be a good cat for Sam.

The next course is pasta. Bucky can't make himself eat it, not even if that makes him the worst cat in the world, so he begs Sam quietly for some day-old soup and a piece of garlic bread instead. Sam gives it to him without comment and directs the group's inquisitive stares away from Bucky's bland and milky soup. Bucky nibbles at his garlic bread in tiny bites and pretends his fangs are sinking into it. It helps. Steve, however, will not be dissuaded.

"No pasta, Buck?" He asks. Bucky shakes his head.

"No."

"Aww, why not? You love pasta?"

"Bucky loved pasta." He mutters vindictively. Even in his anger, he's not loud. He wants to hiss and scratch but he's still too fragile, too human.

"Come again?" Steve asks, the edges of his smile beginning to melt off his face like cherry popsicles off their little wooden sticks.

"Said I wasn't hungry," he repeats louder. "What, you hit a hundred and your ears broke?" Steve starts up a peel of raucous laughter. Wanda is not amused.

"It's not very good manners to eat before a dinner party," she says snidely. Bucky shrugs and pulls his hair out of its bun; he had put his bun up today so he doesn't feel bad about taking it down. Instead, he mostly feels relieved about being able to hide his face.

"What can I say? Sam finished dinner early and it was too good to resist." This is a lie, but he pairs it with his old smile and that twinkle in his eyes and watches Steve settle into "protect Bucky" mode. He has successfully turned the enemy against each other. He feels nauseous.

"Alright, knock it off you two." Even in his scolding Sam is amicable. Then, "Steve, come and help me cut this pie." Bucky excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

Bucky uses his metal hand to tie his hair up because his flesh one is shaking too badly. Bucky had tied his hair up this morning and Sam had been proud of him. He had been doing a good job of being human, but now he's started three problems and Sam has had to fix all of them. The least he can do is try to be a good cat and keep up with his grooming. The bun isn't as neat or as high up as it was before, betraying his anxiety and lack of coordination, but neither humans nor cats are very good at doing their hair. Sam says he keeps his short because he doesn't like the hassle. Sam wants to cut his because of the same reason. A messy bun will be okay. When he sits back down at the table there's a slice of pie and a scoop of vanilla ice cream in his spot. The ice cream is melted on the edges like whoever scooped it used a hot implement and the pie is still warm. Bucky wants to be a cat and give the pie-filling little kitten licks.

"I've always hated pie crust," he says as Steve comments "You always hated pie crust." They look at each other and share a laugh while Bucky's heart beats like a jackrabbit. What does he do now? Eat around the crust? Suck out the filling? Bucky eats the soggy, store-bought crust and the eggy ice cream Sam owns that he claims goes good with brownies. Bucky doesn't know because cats can't eat chocolate. Chocolate isn't a treat like pie; for him, it's deadly. Bucky shakes through the rest of the dinner and sweats through the movie and makes himself not cry while he hugs Steve and then finally, finally, they're all gone. Sam pats his face and goes to take a shower.

Most nights, Bucky sleeps in his blanket nest, but today he curls his body over Sam's feet. He wants to be the small, cuddly kind of cat that sleeps on its owner's feet today, the kind of cat that deserves to. Sam winces.

"You're too heavy for that man." Bucky doesn't mean to start crying but he does, long, plaintive mewls that are only broken by coughs or tears. Sam tutts at him gently and pats the space on the bed next to his torso.

"Aw, did you have a tough day Kitty? Why don't you come up here and I'll give you some pats." Bucky crawls upwards with his large, sinuous body, more like a jungle cat than a domestic breed, but Sam pets him all the same. "Like this, I can pet you all night," Sam says. "Isn't that better than laying on my feet?" Bucky is a cat, and he may not know much, but he knows the closer he is to Sam, the better.

Sam has a job. Bucky thinks that if Sam was different Bucky might not like the job very much, but Sam always leaves right after Bucky gets in sunning position and comes back after his second nap of the day. Sam always leaves food that can be eaten hot or cold too, so if Bucky doesn't feel like using the microwave it will be okay. Today Sam left him a turkey and Swiss sandwich with some apple juice. Bucky rips up the sandwich with his claws and licks at the apple juice until he isn't thirsty, then he washes his hands and lays down in the sun. There are a lot of different ways to stretch, Bucky has discovered, and none of them remind him of HYDRA. Nothing here reminds him of HYDRA anymore unless he's human, not even the bumps that the upstairs people make sometimes while Sam is gone. Before Sam, Bucky couldn't sleep at all because of the bumps. He was so afraid, all the time, and he couldn't sleep or eat or take care of himself. And then Sam started taking care of him, and Bucky eventually slept enough and ate enough that he started taking care of himself. Sam always calls him a good boy for eating all of his food and then washing his hands. Bucky used to not wash them, but then his hands would be sticky and he would cry without understanding why. Now it's better. Things are easier with Sam, and the way it's going, it may be easy without him too. Sam opens the door right as Bucky wakes up and Bucky watches with slit eyes as Sam sheds the stress of the day. The way Bucky was used to stress Sam, but now Bucky sees the way lines of tension fall away as Sam idly rubs his foot on Bucky's stomach. Bucky pantomimes biting him as playing cats often do and Sam laughs.

"Hey, buddy. Did you like lunch?" Bucky purrs happily.

[scavengerssuccotash]

What does aftercare look like for Clint and Nat?

Depends on what kind of aftercare you’re looking for, my dear.

Was it a rough mission that left their bodies sore and aching?

If that’s the case they soothe each other’s sore muscles away in a variety of ways. For Natasha the bulk of her sore muscles rests in her thighs and legs. Clint with usually draw her a nice hot bath with some soaking salts (lavender scented) and let her decompress. Sometimes he’ll join her, especially if his back is hurting, but most times he just lets her rest in the bath and play errand boy if she needs something. Afterwards, Natasha will curl up with him on the couch with her feet in his lap so he can rub them. And oh god! His hands? If Natasha were religious his hands is the closest thing to making her believe in a god. About the time he works his way up her calves, she’s limp against the arm of the couch and almost asleep.

Clint on the other hand carries most of his stress in his shoulders and arms. (Clint often jokes that if you put the two of them together, her legs and his upper body, they could qualify for a retirement community by the state of their joints alone.) With that said, baths hardly touch the ache in his shoulders. Showers are his go-to, along with icy-hot and Natasha’s own bone melting masseuse skills. Repetition with the draw weight he’s got might’ve given him great definition but it also aged his rotator cuffs and shoulder blade ten years. After a long hot shower, you can find him sitting on the floor between Natasha’s legs with an ice pack on each shoulder as she rubs his neck.

Or are you looking for the tumble between the sheets kind of aftercare?

In which case this came to them with much more difficulty than it did with the other kind. Particularly for Natasha. Any wonder why? The first few times they slide between the sheets, Natasha would jump out of bed, quickly throw on her clothes and leave while Clint just laid in bed still coming down from his post coital high, dazed and ultimately confused. In hindsight, Natasha’s sudden departure after taught Clint a lot about himself. Namely: how much he really did like and need the after romp cuddling. Be it some internalized misogyny, or a lack of self introspection Clint had just assumed that is what you did with your partner, so…he did it and didn’t look into it any deeper than the surface level. Turns out it just took Natasha leaving him high and dry (wet?) for him to realize that, “actually no, I think I like the cuddling!?”

Conversely Natasha dipped because she had wanted to stay, which was in of itself a terrifying epiphany to have after what she’ll testify to is the best sex ever. It was all too much too fast and god she can’t do this?! Can she? She wants to, but…

In the end it took three months, a couple of drunken blurt out your feelings kind of nights, and a close call in Mumbai for them to get on the same page.

For Clint to say, “I need to a place to land after soaring that high, Nat. I drop like a fucking stone, and it’s not a good feeling!”

And for Nat to say, “I don’t know what to do with all this, I wasn’t trained on what to do if I actually fell!”

“No one gets a manual, Tasha. You just do what feels right.”

“Us. That feels right.”

Natasha relaxes into their after sex cuddle sessions a little bit better after this. She still leaves after, only spending the nights when they drink and she doesn’t want to drive or bother with a taxi or public transport, but she stops leaving right away. She lingers long enough for Clint to be on the precipice of sleep, before slipping out of bed. Which is fine by Clint, he’s admittedly a bit of a bed hog.

About a year and two months into their relationship, the aftercare is superb. Clint gets his cuddles, and Natasha, well Natasha gets breakfast in bed now. And sometimes, when Clint’s feeling a bit cheeky he will wake her up in the most delicious of ways.

Thanks for asking, hope you enjoy! 🥰

[phanfictioncatalogue]

2009 Phan (7) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

a decent chap (ao3) - calvinahobbes, yikesola

Summary: “The fabled danisnotonfire.” Martyn can’t help a smirk when the poor boy’s eyes flicker quickly away from his at the mention of his Twitter handle. “Welcome. You boys want a nightcap?”

a matched set (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: “Mum,” he says, and his voice sounds like a balloon about to burst from happiness. “Mum, would you do me a favor.”

(a mother's view of the christmas adventure)

afterglow (ao3) - catboyhowell (bloodyscarab)

Summary: now our hearts are racing

baby let me know what you're tasting

afterglow by flores

came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form (ao3) - templeofshame

Summary: Dan considers safety, the internet, and rules he wants to break.

Emotional Fiber (ao3) - indistinct_echo

Summary: Phil's been told he’s lucky for it, having so much love to give, but it really does fucking suck to give all that he has and is to the world and never feel it received nor returned.

every ounce of me (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Dan and Phil being (mostly) soft on October 19th, 2009—with a bit of introspective Dan (and also him trying to avoid it)

fireworks (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Twelve years of New Year’s Eves - or, the first and the most recent.

greedy for that feeling (ao3) - JudeAraya

Summary: Learning to love Phil was like a trust fall: terrifying but necessary and ultimately, exhilarating. Together, they’re learning how to talk, how to give each other what they need, and how to ask for and share desires they’ve never shared or experienced before.

I Think I've Loved You Before (ao3) - milfbilvy

Summary: There is nothing Phil is more sure of than the fact that he and Dan were meant to find each other in every life.

I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Dan is tired of the Halloween party he's been forced to attend. He wanders off, straight into a pretty little cafe with an even prettier barista.

Investigations (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Obliviousness runs in the family

just you (ao3) - Rawritsamehh

Summary: snippets from 2009 but reversed- Phil is a fanboy for his favorite YouTuber, Dan.

kissing gif (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Meeting Dan is the luckiest he’s ever been. Having him here, on his bed, is a dream come true whether it looks like a sexy Internet gif or not. (A pinof tag about expectations and reality.)

kiss me just to kiss me (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Phil knows it’s serious. He knows he’s serious about Dan in that way he gets about people because he is so painfully afraid of messing things up. Dan came all this way just to see him, but he didn’t come all this way just to see him, and the least Phil can do is show him a good time.

lie with me (sew your heart to my sleeve) (ao3) - trademarkblue

Summary: You make me feel safe, Phil. I've never felt like that before. Safe like this. Not for a long time, at least.

A ficlet about comfort and new love.

Look How Warm You Are (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: It snowed during the night after Dan's first day back in Rosendale, so Phil brings him out on a bit of an adventure to explore in the snow.

meeting the parents (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Dan is ready to meet Phil's parents.

Right?

oh, he's got me going (ao3) - loveslabourlost

Summary: Everything in Phil's body is thicker than in Dan's.

real and different (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Phil is different than Dan imagined. Different than his videos.

But he likes it.

secret dan folder (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: There are photos of him out there, of course, a hundred embarrassing ones on Facebook and in Nana’s family albums. But it’s always felt to him like people took them more because they had to or ought to than because they really wanted to. And here Phil is, feeling some incomprehensible mixture of shame and pride because he has a truly impressive collection of ugly stalker photos of Dan on his laptop.

Sixty Nine Nook (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: Dan and Phil get locked in the nook under the staircase of Phil's family home, so they make the most of it.

Somebody to Love (ao3) - counting2fifteen

Summary: Dan and Phil’s first meeting in 2009, loosely inspired by the song Somebody to Love by Queen

The Christmas Sweater (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan is on his way to Phil's to spend Christmas with the Lesters for the first time.

Thinking of You (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: Dan and Phil have been flirtatious during their late-night conversations. One night, they find themselves wanting so badly that they give into both their bodies and eventually their secrets.

Up the Hill, Making Memories (ao3) - husbants

Summary: It's the night of October 19th, 2009. The bus has just dropped Dan and Phil off after their day in Manchester together. This doesn't mean the night is over, though: they've got one long hill to climb before they're getting to Phil's house.

(And maybe they are a little excited to get to Phil's house.)

warm (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Phil likes Dan.

And Phil really, really likes Dan's hat.

we freak on the cam (ao3) - freelydopefun

Summary: “I wanna touch on you

You see me in my room

Wish you were here right now

All of the things I'd do”

Two Boys. Late Night Webcalls. Cords getting tangled up in unusual places.

(we were in) screaming color (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Phil thinks he could be jealous. He turns the idea over in his mind, weighing it. He could be more jealous, angry for Dan’s lack of attention.

Weight on my Shoulders (ao3) - ByTheFire

Summary: When Phil starts getting some unexpected gifts from his dad he starts to worry if he knows something he is not ready to share. Thankfully Dan is there to make it all a bit less scary. All Phil can hope is his dad doesn't want to change who he truly is.

What if (he's the one?) (ao3) - Archive (Curlylinguist)

Summary: It's 19th October 2009, and Dan has a whole lot of thoughts as he travels up to meet Phil for the first time.

yellow (ao3) - awrfdnp

Summary: “You’re my yellow, Phil.”

yes, I know (ao3) - moonanonymous

Summary: It's October 19th, and Phil is anxiously awaiting a train.

You're Perfect To Me (ao3) - ticklishraspberries

Summary: Dan is feeling insecure about his body, and Phil can’t have that.