#YELL OUT THEIR MOTIVES AND FEELINGS AT YOU??
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WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR AROACE SENKU HEADCANON ON MY GAY SENKU AND TRANS REI POST
Just finished Dr Stone Reboot
#sorry for yelling at you but i do think you should make your own post#if you want an aroace character ryusui is right there and hes literally aroace flag coloured hes my favourite character hes so awesome#i dont see senku as aroace but i do see him as incredibly pragmatic and amazing at compartmentalising. romance is so far off his list of#priorities that he had never even thought about sex or dating. Hes the kind of guy who is fully able to abstain from earthly pleasures just#because he has more important shit to be doing (science) but meeting tsukasa made him feel some shit for the first time in his life#a guy whos strong and smart and hot and can keep up with him. someone whos a challenge to go up against someone so fun and electric#and this great and awesome guy says the most pathetic things in the world sometimes. its very clear that tsukasa made a deep impression on#senku. outside of romantic affection. senku was gentle to tsuaksa is a way that you dont see with other characters. at hakodate he tells#taiju and yuzuriha they might have to kill tsukasa but after that ? absolutely 0 talk of killing. hearing tsukasa say he has no friends#literally did something to senkus brain i genuinely believe he wanted very badly to be tsukasas friend like outside the context of shipping#just as something that happened in canon its clear that senku was thinking a LOT about tsukasa trying to unpack his motivations and charact#yes tsukasa is a killer but senku insists hes still a good guy. he doesnt write him off as a villain and he does not want to be his enemy#seconds before snapping his neck tsukasa is like maybe you would have been my friend and senku instead of being like hell no/ur delusional#he was like maybe :3 senku also tends to be sarcastically flirty but his pre stone wars dialogue with tsukasa was pushing it (also worth#noting that he was responding in kind to something that tsukasa initiated. whether or not its romantic theres definitely chemistry) when#tsukasa falls senku literally ran to catch him so they could fall together (which could mean nothing) hes tender to tsukasa in a way that h#isnt with the others he literally insists on making small talk with tsukasa on his deathbed because they never got a chance to know each#other and it clearly ate at him. Senku doesnt pursue people unnecessarily. He already had tsukasa in his pocket and he still made the effor#to keep him company so he wouldnt have to die in a silent cave. the guy who wouldnt even let his oldest friends thank him decided that he#wanted to make small talk (MASSIVELY ooc unless you consider... maybe tsukasa matters a lot more to senku than hes openly said...)#i think tsukasa was someone that senku found extremely difficult to ignore. Hes a guy who wants to save everyone and that what makes him so#awesome. romance will Never Ever be his first priority but his vow of celibacy kind of wobbled a little when it came to tsukasa#I see him as arospec homosexual myself because i think he has a very nonstandard view of romance as a whole but i also think that tsukasa#was the first guy ever that he could see himself with and even then if tsuaksa didnt want a relationship then senku would have been happy#watching from a distance after all he put so much effort into keeping tsukasa safe (read vol 12 boichis authors note)#like i fucking get projecting on a character i also fell deeply in love with tksn because me and my best friend dearly wanted to have known#each other earlier and that was such a beautiful and romantic sentiment that i saw reflected in tsukasen thats why i became obsessed#but senku 'strange behaviour' wrt tsuaksa has always stuck out to me ... he never acts like this with anyone else its gotta mean something#i dont think they were ever mortal enemies even at worst. tsukasa still had to bite his tongue not to call senku his friend when they were#in the throes of war. they meant something to each other. romantic or not they meant something very precious to each other
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hello, i like your writing and was wondering if you could write some more guard dog! (character of your choice) with a little kitten reader?
Helloooo! I am terribly sorry for how long this took! College has me very busy and worn out, leaving me little to no motivation to work on fics. I really hope this makes up for the wait, as well as the other fic requests I'm working on!
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Kitty
Hybrid AU! TF141 Retired Guard Dog! Gaz x Kitten! GN! Reader Reader is addressed with either 'you' or 'kitty' !!No Romance for Obvious Reasons!!
SFW ~ Fluff Warnings: Kind of OOC Gaz at some points
𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴: "fish in the pool - yeule" 0:09 ━●────────── 2:47 ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷
───♡───────────── Beginning
It had been 6 years since Kyle’s spot among one of the highest-ranking K-9s had been replaced by another dog after his sniffer began to deteriorate due to a mission gone awry. Chemical warfare had been at play, leaving damage to his lungs, nose, and eyes. He was now left partially blind and developed asthma. After it was decided he could no longer work for the military, he was honorably discharged.
‘Honorably discharged my arse’ Kyle would find himself thinking whenever it was pouring rain, and there was no roof over his head to keep him dry and no walls to keep him warm. He was placed in a shelter when he retired, but that was short-lived as more and more hybrids were placed into the shelter, thus ending up in Kyle being one of many hybrids that were removed from the building – and kicked out onto the streets.
His dark eyes grew tired and full of hatred and disgust by the day. With each person that passed by, he could taste how his mouth grew more sour and his expression one of permanent bitterness. He had a home, warm food, a warm bed, everything. And these privileged little snotty hybrids didn’t know how not to take that for granted. He hated it, he hated them.
It was one of those evenings where the rain was heavy, and thunder was roaring somewhere far away. He found himself lurking around a petrol station for any kind of change or food. He was, yet again, unsuccessful in getting anything more than £4. But he had saved enough to get a sandwich to eat. He rested out back behind the building, hunched over his food so it wouldn’t grow soggy.
That’s when he felt a pair of small hands start tugging at his sandwich, making him let out a firm, loud growl. It was dark, and his shit-sight could only let him see silhouettes in the daytime. But he could sense the figure was small, a child probably. One that clearly hadn’t been taught manners. His chipped ears would twitch as they plucked out the sound of little sniffles and an angry churn of a hungry stomach.
“Go find your mummy, child. I ain’t sharin’.” He grunted. He was met with a small whine and felt the little hands grab at his meal again. He barked at them, “Fuck off, you greedy thing!” When he pulled back, he could feel a chunk of his sandwich missing that he hadn’t eaten, followed by the soft sounds of chewing. With a reluctant sigh, he went back to eating.
He could still feel your presence, though you were quiet. Just to make sure, he reached out and gave you a little push, confirming that you were, in fact, still standing there, probably wanting more. “Why don’t you go back to your parents? I’ve got nothing of use for you.”
He was met with silence, making him push more, “Don’t need to be scared. I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was hungry. But, you shouldn’t take people’s food like that.”
There was more silence. But he felt your presence move and sit next to him, and he felt you nearly sit on his tail. “Go, go away. I’ve nothing left for you.” He sighed, now giving up. He was tired and soaking wet from the rain. He sensed no movement; you were a stubborn little thing.
With that, he got up and began his way back to where he could sleep for the night. He used a cane that his previous shelter had provided him with, though, he mostly used it in the dark when his blurred surroundings became a cacophony of blues, greys, and blacks. Scraping it against the ground before him as he walked, he was so focused on the sound and finding a good place to sleep that he didn’t notice your small form following closely behind.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
The morning was bright, and the rain had since gone away, though the grass was still wet and had gathered morning dew. Kyle woke up with a small groan, a few of his bones cracking as he stretched. However, he immediately became aware of his surroundings when he felt another sleeping body that was a bit too close for comfort. Sitting up, he looked down at you, now getting a better chance to look at you.
You were a hybrid like him, a cat hybrid. Your fur was orange, but the color had rusted due to the dust, dirt, and grime that was stuck on you. Seems like you were in the same boat as him, on the streets. But you were so little, so young, why the hell were you here and not somewhere warm?
Kyle began to nudge you awake, wanting to interrogate you. “Hey, wakie-wakie.” You grunted and stretched your legs out before curling your spine as your dusty ears folded back for a second. “I’m not your pa, why’re you still here?” You stared up at him, letting out a soft grunt in response.
“You don’t talk, huh? Why’s that?” He asked as he folded his cane up, storing it away in his bag. You grunted again in response, blinking at him. “You just gonna follow me around like a little guttersnipe? Is that it?” He chuckled, standing up which resulted in you following suit. To his surprise, you nodded.
He sighed and began to walk to a street where he could try and make some cash with you following quickly behind him. “I suppose there’s no getting rid of you. That’s fine, just make your own money. No leeching off of me.” Kyle stated firmly.
A few minutes later, he found a spot on a sidewalk where he sat down and put his sign and hat out in front of him. You stayed by him, seated and now whimpering in hunger. “I know, the hunger sucks. You’ll get used to it, kitty.”
The day passed, and at some point, you had actually left Kyle alone. He had no idea where you went, but he paid no mind. That is until you came back around noon with a smile on your face. “What’s got you so perky, kitty?” His eyes widened when you suddenly pulled out wads of cash.
“What the- you shouldn’t steal…!” He scolded you with a hushed voice, not wanting to attract the authorities if they were nearby. “That’s wrong, kitty, you’ll get in massive trouble for that kind of stuff.” He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. You had a guilty look on your face, your slightly matted tail hanging low on the ground in shame.
Kyle sighed before motioning you to sit by him while he looked around for any onlookers. “...just put what you have in my bag, okay…?” He whispered, pushing his bag to you before you emptied the contents of your pockets into it. He was surprised by how much you’d been able to steal, from pickpocketing he assumed. “But still, no stealing. Got it?” You nodded, unable to hold back a small grin of pride from how mildly impressed he was.
A few moments passed before Kyle turned to you, “Do you know how to talk?” His voice was curious, laced with worry. His brows raised when you shook your head no, a small sound leaving your throat. “Your parents didn’t teach you or something?” You simply shrugged in response. “I suppose I’ll take that as a no.”
There was more silence between the two of you. Just the sound of people walking by, only glimpses of their conversations could be caught, the loud engines of the cars and buses that drove by, the rare instance someone would put a few quid into Kyle’s hat. “...how long are you gonna stick around?”
You shrugged again, another small sound leaving you. “You just gonna follow me forever? Till the end of time?” He cracked a smile at you. You smiled and nodded eagerly. “I made that much of an impression last night?” Kyle laughed a little. He stared at you, slightly leaning closer to get a better look at you. You were too young to be living like this.
He ruffled your hair as he leaned back, “I suppose I’ll have to teach you some vocabulary then, huh?” You squealed and laughed, pulling his hand off of you. That sound made him feel something, something that shifted. He’d never felt a paternal instinct before, but there was something about that feeling. Something that he welcomed with open arms.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
It had been a few months since you two met, and things were looking okay. You had learned a few words, memorized most of the alphabet, and were working on small sentences. Kyle had actually caught you whispering to yourself, his ears twitched as he focused on what you were saying. He had to hold back a smile when you were just repeating sentences over and over again, and trying to make up new ones.
Money was looking okay as well. Kyle had been saving before you came into his life, though he had managed to finally get close enough to having a home. Not a luxurious one, but enough for a trailer. He had more motivation than ever when you decided to stick around with him. He wanted to get you off the streets as soon as possible.
You were currently on the swings at a playground, chanting “Higher!” as Kyle pushed you. “Christ, I don’t think you can go any higher, kitty.” He chuckled. “Y’might wanna start coming down, it’s almost time for lunch.” “What’s lunch?” “Sandwiches.”
With that, you came down from the swing and went to the park benches, settling down for lunch. You munched on your lunch, a soft purr emanating from you. “Are you happy?” Kyle asked with a small smile, which grew as you nodded rapidly. “Is it the sandwich or the park that made you happy?”
“Two!” You exclaimed. “Two? You mean both of them make you happy?” Kyle smiled, “Yeah, both.” You replied. “And you.” You quickly added on. “Me? I make you happy?” He pointed to himself, his eyebrows raised. “Yeah!” You affirmed before taking another bite out of your meal.
Kyle smiled with a happy sigh, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you close. “Well, you make me happy too, kitty.”
───♡───────────── End
Thank you all so much for your patience! I hope you can forgive me for the wait :)
------ Taglist: @venavanup @draculauraspage @tf141gloryhole @obnoxiousbag @chanel-princess-world @ssc7514
If you would like to be added to the taglist so you can read my latest fics, let me know! Thank you :)
#:3#please enjoy#cod fic#cod x reader#hybrid!au#thank you for being patient#gaz cod#cod mw2#cod#cod modern warfare#call of duty#call of duty modern warfare#gaz garrick#kyle gaz garrick#gaz x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#kyle garrick x reader#kyle gaz x reader#kyle garrick#hybrid!reader#fluff
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[3:21 am]
"wait! n-no.."you let out a small whimper, your body were toss on the bed rough, almost make your head bump onto the bed headboard but heeseung don't care much about it. "heeseung! i said wait!"
you yelled out, he rolled his eyes, annoyed to hear your loud voice. "wait for what, y/n?"he grab both of your wrist before he pinned it on top of your head, getting on to of your body. you could feel his hot breath on your ear, "have i ever fucking mention that you can do as you want?"
you flinch slightly as you heard the harsh tone in his voice, usually you would kick or punch him if he try to do something like this to you. but you know better not to mess with heeseung when he's mad, he's dead mad after he found out about what you did today, and where you go.
"h-heeseung.."you voice soft calling for him, you clutch onto his shirt arm. "i'm s-sorry.. please don't take him away from me."you know very well than anyone else what's the sequence of this, you did wrong and the usual flirty and playful heeseung that you always saw around is just not there, his eyes are not the same.
he look like a whole different person with that deathly glare. you let out a small gasp when he grab a fistful of your hair and yank your head back. "what i told you about na jaemin, hm sweetheart?"heeseung ask, his voice sound stern, different than his usual playful banter. "speak y/n, i can't hear you."
you let out a whimper before you talk, "you said.. d-don't fall for his charm, don't talk to him and.. don't follow him anywhere."you list out everything that you could think of about his warning of na jaemin. heeseung went away for awhile just to get you some drink and when he comeback, jaemin already all over you.
"right?"heeseung let go of his grip on your hair, he take a deep breath like he's trying to calm himself down. "i need you to quit the job, no more working at that club."your eyes widen when he suddenly said that, you immediately grab his arm which make heeseung look down at it.
you shake your head immediately, "n-no.. the club is the last option, how do i pay for my debt now if i quit?"the construction office, the shitty restaurant and the night club.. you already did all the job choices he gave but it seems like none of it end up great. "please heeseung?"he rolled his eyes as he heard your small plead.
"oh sweetheart, you forgot about my offer aren't you?"
offer? right.. his offer, "i told you i would pay all of your debt if you become mine, aren't i?"
yoiiiii happy new yearrrrr ❤️ this just another part of that heeseung series?
but gurl i'm just too lazy to write for the whole things 😭 i've lost motivation ever since tumblr unsaved half of what i wrote huaaaaa but i love the idea so well.. i guess i will write again hmm
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I hate it when people encounter quieter or mellower characters and are like “erm, where personality?” idk girl. read the fucking book. look at their actions. infer. think.
#crazy too cuz I’ll see aspiring authors on here say that and it’s like BRO???#why would I buy your shit IF YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND CHARACTERS WHO DONT LIKE#YELL OUT THEIR MOTIVES AND FEELINGS AT YOU??
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Lol, here I am, another wife on Tumblr with a husband saying he would not have been pissed with me if we had been Penelope & Colin. Hubs also said she didn't write anything untrue, just that Colin didn't like being called on his bullshit.
I still maintain that Colin Bridgerton is a sweet sensitive overreacting drama llama, but I still love him. Pen really has far more patience than I. I am direct and will not let conflicts fester lol. We are talking until there isn't anything left to say and shit is settled.
I would have at least gotten his stupid stubborn butt back into bed for sleep, instead of him sulking dramatically on the settee for who knows how many nights. Which would have only led to him getting increasingly more recalcitrant and overwrought.
And like... maybe talking would have taken them at least 50% out of this conflict? Like if she could have told Colin why she did not directly say Marina was pregnant in some detail or why she called out Eloise like she did? He might have understood her better than her clipped defenses to his yelling in the middle if the street would have ever allowed. Also, how many times did the girl have to apologize? She got nothing for being truly penitent.
Anyways.... that went long. Lol
#polin#bridgerton#bridgerton season 3 spoilers#bridgerton spoilers#bridgerton season 3#bridgerton s3#bridgerton s3 spoilers#polin bridgerton#bridgerton 3#nicola coughlan#luke newton#lady whistledown#colin my wife bridgerton#drama llama#seriously so dramatic#like i dunno talk about your feelings instead of yell then shut down#penelope bridgerton#colin bridgerton#like did he even think to try to understand her motivations by asking real questions instead of interrogations in the street#penelope has the patience of a saint#also we missed out in angry sex#and we missed out oh no we are fighting but we still cuddle in our sleep awks#like you can be mad at someone and still have real conversations too
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ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".
like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!
on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.
returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body
literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence
#reblogs turned off because obviously i'm already bracing to be pilloried for saying one thing not quite correctly or whatever#and also bc i have zero interest in having this be boosted by trans dudes on their own transandrophobia agenda either#i'm just venting#but frankly the first time i got yelled at for saying that as an intersex person some of the immense violence i experienced as a child#was motivated by transmisogyny#i was a teenager and it was someone a fair bit older than me with more local clout so like. it's been a decade. how is it worse now.#intersex spaces have made SO much progress and yet#also yes i'm femme! i'm femme in a trans way! many dykes who aren't women are!#many of us got more comfortable w it as adults who had gender agency!#in literally the same way it took my wife ages after transitioning to work out she's also butch and doesn't actually want to do femme thing#bc that's a shared experience in how we've navigated the expectations of womanhood before opting out of the parts we don't want!#anyway the lawcomm shit was fucked bc honestl i don't give a shit if someone lost their gonads as an adult in an accident#they should be protected even if they don't consider themselves intersex#and we know that gender as an axis of oppression comes back to the reproduction of the nuclear family#and that cis women who can't have kids sometimes become the political football though ofc not as much by far and like#idk. y'all ever heard about solidarity? sometimes i feel like i'm back in the place where the loudest traumatised person at the party#is yelling at another young woman like “you'll never understand what it's like to be a victim”#when said young woman was assaulted the week before.#a politics that starts by defending and defining oneself w oppression kinda fucking sucks actually#and intersex people stopped policing intersexness by who got mutilated a long time ago#bc actually we want the generations ahead to not get that treatment#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am” i'm like. why! what!#anyway. tired.#may regret this. we shall see#tony muses
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showing up to anti-zionist community rosh hashanah services tonight like "hello i am ready to weep & maybe do some arson. does anybody want to burn anything down"
#i am tired i am sad i am terrified#i am also having some big feelings about online leftist tactics of guilt/shame/condescension when speaking to their own base/potential base#i am constantly overwhelmed constantly feeling helpless i do NOT actually need to be told i am not feeling guilty enough#or i'm never doing enough. that i owe everything always including relentless emotional attention to global atrocities#because traumatizing yourself with a 24/7 feed of death & disaster is activism and/or penance for the crime of living in the imperial core#please fucking learn how to motivate & engage people via shared empowerment#get the words mutual aid out of your fucking mouth unless you are ready to actually build supportive coalitions#if all you want to do is yell & shame people into donating to something that is not mutual aid. it's charity#it positions your audience as powerful & owing money out of pity/guilt to an underclass#which is whatever. people in crisis just need money to survive. but stop pretending you're doing revolutionary politics#if you can't be assed to treat people like comrades
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Tumblr, I am disappoint. A couple of years ago a sizeable chunk of you history nerds were nuts for The Longest Day in Chang'an and now, when I finally managed to finish it (it was AWESOME; one of the best shows I've ever seen, full stop) I come online and find
A) WHY DID NOBODY WARN ME ABOUT GENERAL GAN SHOUCHENG and
B) WHERE IS ALL THE THIRSTY GENERAL GAN CONTENT?! Now, I know that cdrama fandom is pretty chaste and that in much of Asia, perving is something you keep private and I can respect that. Ok. Cultural differences, I'm cool with that. I'll keep the lewdz to my Pillowfort.
But still! Look at him! A hot baddie with stupendous amounts of guyliner and a carefully coiffed Beard of Evil, he gets a scene like this, and there's no chaste and ladylike swooning or oohing or aahing, even?!?!
#grouse has a side crush#only about 10% of what i feel for connie bc it's a human and not a god i'm crushing on here#but it's still pretty ooooh#it's like someone put fadl and lau in a blender#and served me with kinda the same level of angry horn i have for baz#that kind of situation#i'm not even tagging this appropriately bc i fear i'll get yelled at by someone bc this is tumblr#and i'm keeping the pervy tags to pillowfort#but#uh#hi#i need help#so tell me if there's content#i'm fine with even gen fic if there's fic#the actor keeps changing his name too so this isn't making things any easier#i know he got into trouble some 10+ years ago or whatever but i understand dude reformed and made a comeback#but when china cancels you they want you to stay cancelled#which hardly motivates anyone to reform now does it?#so idk if this guy's even working anymore#also tan qi is so badass i can't even ship her with him#i mean normally i'm all about throwing a goodie to be glomped by the baddie and making them enjoy it despite themselves#but it's be too ooc for her#having said that if it exists in well-written form i may consider reading it#otherwise i want him back in s2 thanks#just so tan qi can rip his eyes out#as nice as his eyes look with all that guyliner#oh god i need to come up with a lady oc to pair him with bc he's too hot to leave without#so maybe lin jiu lang has a hot bored wife and she sees the handsome general pacing the courtyard#like an angry tiger ready to pounce#the longest day in chang'an
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Doing a games art course is crazy because you'll have a story idea for a character that lives in a dangerous, abandoned world that travels through the memories of someone presumably long-gone and watches the bright memories slowly being corrupted by the influence of the outside world as you discover more and more of their life complete with compelling design choices and horrific and threatening creatures and atmosphere, only to be told you have 6 weeks and have a tight brief.
#not cool#rant#but unironically if i had the motivation do do something with this myself#i would#;(#at least it exists on my tumblr page lmao#games art#also small vent right here:#id use it as a metaphor for growing up and slowly losing the kind of joy and innocence you get out of childhood#trying to think of a way i could use this premise to depict how it feels (for me) growing up seeing my dad yell at my mother#because it can feel very weird when you grow up seeing things like that and thinking its normal#and still trusting and loving them to the point of doubting what you saw#idk art is trickyyyy#ignore my venting
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I had a bout of inspiration to just ~*paint*~ literally anything and just make something for the first time in ages, then I went upstairs to make tea and now I'm laying on my bed with nothing but guilt that I haven't made anything
#Yelling at brain#WHY WON'T YOU DO THINGS#Also my cat might be sick or stressed because we have a second cat in our house for the next few months#And I'm very worried about her#I think it's just stress but she's been throwing up and not as cuddly with me and my heart is breaking#I love that we can watch this cat but also I don't want her here if she's just going to stress out my cat#Also our cat and the new cat don't like other cats so it's adding to the stress#I just want my kitty to be comfortable and well#I just want to make art again#I miss feeling motivation and inspiration
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just finished aftg and was anyone going to tell me that it's a comedy
#ari shouts into the void#aftg#i'm sorry but every progressive event is just so off the walls funny#really appreciate that the whole book is just. the opposite of the modern therapy speak plague#no character is out here having politically cotrrect healing conversations!!!!!#they r just yelling at each other for nothing and ignoring their feelings#i will say that my utter lack of interest in sports makes the character motivations soooo incomprehensible#like this is all for stickball game. have you considered stuickball game is not that deep#and thats why andrew minyard is Right actually#also evermore stadium is soooo funny also. could not take the ravens seriously#they live in Cave world. where everything is the color black.#like would i even feel the pain with all the insults id be sending at that interior designer??#anyway. wild book series truly
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BTS for your fave passage from your new nate/jo por favor?
IDK if I have 1 passage that's my favorite for it tbh? the part I'm proudest of is the part after Nate presses pause, mostly because I worked really hard on it- how to get Jo to be just a little nervous about it, but mostly proud of Nate speaking up and not trying to talk over his feelings, but wanting to explain what he was trying to do. I think I threw away the original notes, but I think i just, cut out a whole section, had Nate say "I didn't like that, it felt icky." and then had Jo be like "oh. thanks for stopping that, i don't want you to feel like that. can i explain what i was going for?" while they're BOTH giving so much physical reassurance that they're both like. good and here and want to be there.
it's probably one of those scenes that reads like "he would not fucking say that" but idk, sometimes you just gotta write the healthy(ish) relationships you wanna see in the world.
also, one of the things i also enjoyed was like. Getting Nate to take naps. Even though he doesn't do it before games, he does take several naps in this fic. Because I looked at his face before the VGK game and went "this is a skeleton, this is bones. I want to feed him a sandwich and smother him to death with a pillow (force him to rest)" and yeah. sometimes you also have to write the naps you want to see in the world.
#!!! thank you for asking#i feel kinda bad bc like even tho this fic took me like a week to write it really did just. mostly line itself out#once i'd gotten the major beats It was pretty smooth sailing it was a) having the internet AND motivation to write it#and b) fucking writing it#there was also a part where my beta laughed at me for saying “sad news” instead of bad news and i was like ... it's SAD news#and they were like “don't you fucking change it. it's so funny. it's perfect”#a brief excerpt of me and my beta yelling at each other: beta: get loved idiot. me: GET CARED FOR
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,
#there are nicer weys to tell someone the need to go take a shower that you know yelling at them that they stink and it is unpleasant to be#around them#like just yelling at me that i need to go shower literally doesn't motivate me to#especially bc i was planning on doing it on Monday bc i had already showered yesterday#maybe she could have sed to me : hey you took a shower yesterday but still smell like sweat ( is everything okay)#the answer is no#i am on vacation but i am so fucking stressed i keep sweating bc of it#but she just wanted to yell at me so i guess it doesn't matter#she is angry and as always i am her punching bag#i told her that the magnifying glass made no difference since i can already see the flowers clearly i get yelled at#i tell her that i prefer to stey home and do hw i get yelled at#i didn't do my hw bc she made me go out i get yelled at#and after all that i get out of the shower and she asked me if i want to let her blowdry my hair like nothing happened#no ofc i don't want#to#i just had a breakdown on the shower that she triggerd i h*rt myself and i am now in pain bc of that#i don't want you anywhere near me#i honestly feel like i am going insane#how can she do that to me#and i literally ahave no proof except that i go on record mode anytime she speaks but it's always her word against mine#i am pretty sure in a few hours i will be blaming myself for everything#one moment she screams at me and the other she pretends that nothing happened#but yeah i am sure i am just making it up#/s
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wonderful, one of those times where everything i’ve pushed down just bubbles up. great.
#one of my teachers today started comparing me and my older brother and i straight up felt like i wanted to cry#it’s mortifying being the dumb one#because everyone expects you to be great when i’m just…average.#i don’t know where i fit in#not online or offline#like i just feel like i don’t belong anywhere#and i never know how to be vocal about my problems because everyone always assumes i want attention and i don’t#i went to the school psychologist today who’s the closest thing i have to therapy but she isn’t required to be tight lipped#and i wish i could vocalize this#i don’t even think id be able to tell a therapist this because im a weak piece of shit#another thing that bugs me is how when my brother came out my parents were soooo proud of him and my aunts were so proud too#which good dor him#but when i came out as bi i was yelled at and told i was too young to know and that i was just making it up#everything just hurts right now#i hate school#i don’t have the motivation to go to clubs i enjoy#i don’t have the motivation to engage in activities i enjoy#and i know i can’t tell my doctor any of this when i elf checked up because my moms gonna interject with “BuT YoU NevEr ToLd Me!”#and it’s gonna be another “you want attention” thing#i still remember when i used to journal and my mom went through it and screamed at me for two hours because i mentioned being suicidal#never journaled again#idk how to copd honestly#and then i feel like a brat because they do nice things jit then they use it against me#i hate it#i’m just going through a lot this week#sorry#o know you guys are getting tired of my dumb ass bitching
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You know, when I was 21-22, my writing was...okay. It was serviceable enough for what I needed it to do, but it wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination. But I remember thinking it was just THE best thing ever, and I gotta say I was a lot happier with that outlook.
#like this is a hobby. to do for fun. it literally doesn't matter. might as well think it's awesome and feel good about myself.#sadly I cannot magically make myself do this#god if you told me I would miss aspects of being a senior in college I would have yelled at you lmao#*sigh* but we press on. I am going to finish a project if it's the shittiest thing on earth#(granted that's a subjective evaluation anyway. see: every opinion on art I've ever had.)#idk it's like...the most embarrassing thing people can think of is someone who thinks what they made is good when it's (according to#whatever “measurement”) not. instead of being cruel or willfully unsympathetic or something. being needlessly mean and refusing to see any#situation with nuance will always be the definition of “cringe” behavior to me.#and I'm not doing that while writing. so theoretically what's the harm in thinking it might be (or is) good?#...wait.#shit.#oh I just realized something.#that's. that's another internal compulsion GODDAMMIT.#(tldr is that sometimes compulsions can involve things like repeating words or phrases to yourself. internally or externally.)#(and me going 'nothing I do is good' over and over is. that.)#(what is the REASON for that? well you see if I think I am better at something than I actually am I will turn into the most#horrible selfish monstrous insufferable dangerous person. why? idk I just will.)#I HATE THIS DISORDERRRRR#at least I Figured Something Out.#and at least now I can have a motivation of 'continuing this means mental illness brain doesn't win'
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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................
Well, it's only half related.
We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.
I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...
I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.
Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?
Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.
November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?
There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.
I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.
...push it back down.
Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.
It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.
I don't know you.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?
Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.
It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.
I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.
... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.
I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.
...
I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.
I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.
Will someone just let me say that?
Will someone just fucking help for once?
#sh tw#(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#im cursed with being a bit too self aware so#i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things#(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER#BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM#back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat#[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything#so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend#so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice#i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together#(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING
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