#Work started back up again in April
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Low Battery
#Star Wars#Commander Cody#Work started back up again in April#And between that and various irl things I've been rather busy#Good! But busy and quite tired as a result Cx#Been tagged in a few things and might not get around to them given the energy deficit#But hi I see you and I love you
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Yk I wasn’t originally planning to talk abt my ao3 account on here but I don’t really gaf anymore. Embarrassment is a concept. Embrace joy and whimsy.
..anyways! If you want to read some of my works my ao3 account is bittersweet_serendipity ^_^ I love to write and am always aiming to improve. I state this a lot in authors notes, but if you ever spot any major weak points or mistakes in my writing, feel free to point them out to me! Constructive criticism helps a ton.
Do be aware that my older works (aka the first 2 I published) are literally filled to the brim w grammar mistakes like it’s actually baffling 😭 we should all collectively ignore those for the sake of my mental sanity actually! <3 I need to go back and edit them but I keep pushing it off ughh…someday.
#some of the works I’ve published I really like and had so much fun writing#and then others I look back on and start curling into a ball out of pure embarrassment#<- person who said embarrassment is a concept mere seconds ago#LMFAOO#I’ve considered deleting my earlier works so many times lmaoo but I figure I might as well just keep them up idk#I literally only have ten works posted idk why I’m acting like there’s a huge crazy amount rn 💀#do keep in mind that I only picked up writing again this year after a huge break#so 😓 ummm. yknow. idk. sorry!!!#HELPPP#YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE ME STARTING TO REGRET THIS AS I TAG#“my older works 👴’’ I literally published them like last April or something 💀💀#all I’ve written for so far is persona#uhmmm should I tag this….#persona#hi takajin fans#and jundori fans#and adajima fans#my ultimate favs I love them all dearly#I’m working on another Strega fic currently…I love writing for them#^_^#writing is so fun and I’m so glad I picked it back up this year <3#ALSO. I’d like to give another huge thank you to everyone who’s ever commented on my fics ever you guys are all so awesome
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my cats are so mad at me bc I keep not going to sleep at the Set Time bc I had been mad-dash crocheting every morning and im just. so sad for them. bc im about to fuck up the schedule even worse.
#by 'mad at me' i also mean that they've been forcibly cuddling me in an attempt to get me to go to bed#which I'm not opposed to aside from when i need to actively move my body#or my project#but also next week i start working on a day shift schedule which means starting tomorrow i have to try and stay doing a days sleep schedule#and they're gonna be So Upset#anka has never been on a days schedule and jj hasnt in 2 years#anka the banshee#sir jj the cat#hopefully i don't get put BACK on nights come april so that i don't have to mess up their routine AGAIN#shh ac
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I bought and read Don’t Shoot the Messenger last night and I loved it! Literally did not put it down until I was done lol I love your world building and how you develop characters, it feels so real, like every character is a fully fleshed out individual. I’m excited for what you might do with Dale, if you published that. Thanks for sharing your stories!!
@fleacollar999
thank you!! i've been slammed with work but this message made me so happy :)
i lov worldbuilding so much (which is why for so long i had issues with shorter stories like novellas and with actually writing stories down instead of just extensive lore lol) so i'm glad i comes through! the characters as well for this story in particular were floating around in my head before anything was written down so i'm thrilled that i was able to get them on the page well enough to do them justice.
Publishing Dale is very high on my list of priorities and its just gonna come down to timing for when that happens.
thanks for reading and sending in such a lovely message! :D
#asks#don't shoot the messenger#self-publishing#nothing's wrong with dale#work is kicking my butt so i might not escape the busy times in april like i expected#but we'll see when i can start having time to focus on writing again#i'm always coming up with new ideas and thinking about all my stories and characters so i'm looking forward to digging back in once i'm fre
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WIP Title Game
I was tagged by @riotstarruika!
Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.
(I had to censor the one because it's such a specific ship that when it gets anonymously posted for an exchange in a couple of days I don't want everyone to immediately know it's me.)
Tagging @saintmouthed @akallabeth-joie @opens-up-4-nobody @fremedon @everyonewasabird and @riotstarruika again, since it's been so long that you probably have entirely new WIPs by now. XD
#also I drafted this in April but apparently tagging people was too many spoons#so the fic (Favourite/Fantine) is now up#it's technically been written since before posting#but the pacing was annoying me#had a minor breakdown. got therapy. changed jobs. back babyyyyyyyyyyy.#and starting writing again in ... November XD (new job is great but now I have a social life idk man)#tag game#cannot overstate what an absolutely insane state this original tagged post found me in though#I had just driven five hours through the hot SE Asian summer to my old host family's village while listening to Yellowface#and also anxious about a workplace issue#I arrived at my grandma's house and deadass thought “oh no what if they find out I'm white”#y'all it's been seven years I LEARNED [language] with them I AM UNAMBIGUOUSLY WHITE#and then I saw this post and started doing screencaps#and then my brain said “but what if people realize I stole my work from someone else?”#again for SIX YEARS this is literally NOT something I have ever done I have always written my own work#Yellowface had me THAT fucked up#anyway it was a joy Ms Kuang hmu when your latest criticism of an academic institution releases <3#ask game#APPARENTLY
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am i feeling a little tingle of inspiration crawling back into my brain? sleep hasn't been great but for the past few naptimes i've been actually rotating bits of some neat stuff in my vacant husk of a brain. Please, I need more crumbs.
#maybe i'm just being too hopeful as I really don't feel good at all mentally rn and it still feels like its just getting worse#socializing and drawing would likely help but I've managed to alienate myself from it again hard enough that it's difficult to bounce back#I tried phoning for a doctors appointment bc I have started to suspect that maybe some of my meds aren't doing their job as well anymore#alas... “sorry we cannot say when there would be an opening for an appointment and you're already in the queue for psych eval dep.”#i've been in the queue since april i guess i'll just wither away faster then! good grief#could we please hire some doctors into this country from anywhere? pay them enough that they are willing to come work in this hellscape#shut up yoi#depression
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help i keep planning my move trip to thailand. like a delusional person
#the problem is that i'm convinced i'll go there???#because my brain is straight up like what's stopping you#MONEY??? MAYBE??????#TIME??? MAYBE??#and my brain goes yea but you're actually good at saving no matter how much you complain that you aren't :')#and granted i CAN work it out with my uni for a semester there#see??? i am completely delusional#i am BUDGETING#mentally i am packing my suitcase#ideally i'd go in winter but i have exams#i could do february (vacations) march and april though#then i come back i have may to study for exams again and it all works out#you know i don't think i was told no enough as a child#(that's a lie. i was told no enough. however my mother also raised me to believe that i can do anything (within reason) if i really want it)#tea's ramblings#ignore me i'm just the moves countries and immediately starts looking for a different country to move to person. clearly
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Guess who's spending Eid away from home again next year lol
#me bitch#i havent went home for eid for 2 years and if you count next year then make it 3#so fyi first day of eid is estimated to be on the 10 of april 2024 which is Wednesday#so my classmates estimate that the classes on monday and tuesday will be online so they started to buy the tickets on Friday (5/4)#or during the weekend basically because yknow festive season = expensive tickets#and i told it to my friend and she chekced the ticket to go to kl and its only 200+ (official app) or 100+ (travel company) on 6/4 at 5am#so she asked me if i want to buy it so we can share transport to airport together and be in the same flight#so i called mom just now but since i need to take the transit to ny hometown it racks up to rm800+ 💀#totalled with the flights back to uni on sunday (14/4) it will be up to rm1600+ 💀#mom sound sorry and even said she can pay if i really want to go back home#but yknow i dont want to burden my parents more (they are the one who usually pay for my flights anyway)#and my friend who lives in the same state as me also doesnt seem to be able to afford the expensive tickets too#so its just me and her in the perantauan again ig lol#but my friend who lives here said to just celebrate eid with her and we can sleep in her room 😂#tbh i dont really mind not going back because as i get older the excitement for eid lessen idk#but i kinda miss the bersalam on the morning of eid with my family so yeah#and if i were to graduate and start working which i cant imagine ngl then i wont be home much anyway#whatever at least i get to fast at home for a week so theres still some W to celebrate#personal.txt
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ruthie slowly realizing I have the front camera turned on 😂 this dog hates being photographed!
we were up for a bit at 5 but it was too early and I was sleeepy so ended up dozing for another hour or two. rainy morning here. I’m trying to really savor the cozy snuggly days as life is about to get so hectic for me:
I’m in pittsburgh friday morning through monday night (YAYYY) attending two weekend games and hanging out with bec!!!
I have tuesday to run errands and do laundry before my mom arrives wednesday
we leave early thursday morning for 14 days in japan and korea, during which we are hitting tokyo, osaka, kyoto, nara, mt koya, hiroshima, miyajima island, fukuoka, busan, daegu, and /seoul… I’m soooo psyched but also 🫠 it’s gonna be a whirlwind and I still have to do quite a bit of prep to be ready
we get home on a wed, I have thurs to recover from jetlag slash finalize my job talk, and then friday is the all-day campus visit
THEN I leave sat morning for houston and get back late monday night
it’s gonna be a lot!!! so very okay to be slothful this weekend and for as much of next week as I can manage I think. I am building up my reserves of rest and solitude lol.
mmkay. tonight I am having dinner + watching tár with mary later (and maybe seeing my sister at some point in the afternoon tbd) but the morning is my own! no pressure to get anything done in particular but here are some options:
could do more campus visit research for fun! my first gen programming book is arriving sometime today so I could read that and take notes, or I could spend some more time working through these articles I pulled up on designing programming for transfer students. I was also thinking it might be fun to create some one-page idea/vision/notes docs by hand on various topics—I feel like writing by hand will reinforce my memory of key details, and then making decisions about how I want to visually organize/arrange content will be a good exercise in synthesizing what I’ve learned. lol even as I’m typing this out I’m like ‘OOOOH that sounds like fun!!!!’ so I guess I’ll probably do that.
my former student is calling me at some point today to talk about transfer students’ experiences. he’s around my age (went back to undergrad after serving in the military for a long time) and is fun to talk to because he’s super smart and just like… more of a fully formed person and professional than the college-age kids. so that will be fun and should give me some useful threads to follow in my research. 
pick up my CVS prescription
hmm maybe I’ll put my laundry in right now? I also want to change linens/towels. I cleaned most of the house yesterday so don’t have much else to do in the way of chores… and I have a bunch of leftovers to finish before I’m allowed to make anything else so no cooking to do today either.
if it clears up I’ll go for a shorter long walk (the hourlong loop?) unless it’s really nice and I feel like doing the 90+ min trek again. not gonna let myself run today though—I can tell I pushed it a bit yesterday with the long fast walk + running two days in a row at a quicker clip than usual. just a little bit of achiness!
I finished a novel yesterday and want to start the next one today so I don’t break stride, but that can wait till before bed unless I’m moved to read earlier.
mmkay I think that’s it! take it easy and do fun relaxing stuff today.
#i also have to decide if I am going to try to do an IUI next month if this one doesn’t work#the timing is going to be so tight#and the chance of missing the window and wasting another $450 is semi-high#i think I’ve decided if my period starts on 4/6 it’s cutting it too fine and I don’t want to risk wasting the money#but I’ll take the meds with me and if it starts on 4/7 I can try it if I want#I’m just not sure how jetlag/time changes will affect things#so it might not be the worst thing to take april off and remove that stressor#then resume in may#i can’t start thinking ahead ahout this job because I’ll be too crushed if I let myself envision the future & don’t end up getting it#but getting pregnant in may/june/July wouldn’t be the worst thing as it would get me closer to a spring/almost summer maternity leave#more time in the job to get established plus I’d come back during the summer (chill relaxed time) instead of mid semester#idk we’ll see#I’m in a really good headspace re: IUI at the moment#not calendar watching except to plan future cycles not reading forums and don’t feel a lot of pressure to make This One work#i get 6 tries!#and then I was listening to a podcast the other day and feeling really moved/called again by the idea of fostering#so I think things are going to be just fine however it all shakes out#and if nothing else the IUI process has really gotten me into excellent routines around fitness and food
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this years SAD is really pissing me off!! I dont even feel like. sad. "just" unmotivated, picky and pedantic, like im wasting time, and generally feeling like i dont have anything worthy of contributing to my friends. i know this is Not True but oughhhhhh my brain!!!!!! and also feeling like any music made past 2014 is pointless ughhhhhhh
#going to the gym to stretch and build muscle has helped at least. gym soreness is some of my favorite pain. fuck cardio tho lol#a constant reminder that i have indeed done something good for myself#and my blood sugars have been excellent post holidays finally. shit was rough this year#gonna work on cutting back weed usage again too. weekends only hopefully (after work on friday is a weekend)#desperately hoping april will be nice enough to start riding my bike againnnn i need it (and a bike tune up. my gears need to be indexed)#talking
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one of the craziest feelings ever is picking a project back up that you started hardcore losing motivation for a while ago but then as soon as you get it back out and see how good it’s looking even just part of the way done you become obsessed with it again. like oh my god. I made this? I’m MAKING this. and imagining how awesome it’s gonna be all finished? better than drugs
#eve's thoughts#i remembered the other day that my bf’s birthday is in about two weeks and I never finished his blanket before christmas#(that I started in late april 😭 and evidently got bored of)#so I wanted to try and get that done before his birthday but I was like mmm… I don’t really wanna work on that tho I’m tired of it…#but I sucked it up (bc I’m doing this for him and for love and not for me) and dug it back out and held it up in front of a mirror to look a#t#and it was like someone gave me smelling salts and a shot in the arm at the same time bro I was like OH. ???#my neural pathways started firing again lol
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Noooooooo it's returned :(
#cw/tmi for menstruation#idl if thats necessary but better safe than sorry. at least with the tmi warning#i havent had a period since april 2023!!#thats so long. and its been beautiful#i hate my period. painful and uncomfy abd dysphoric#so when it disappeared i was delighted#yeah it disappeared doctors arent sure why#but recently it started showing up a little when i go to the bathroom#and i went to the bathroom today and its really happening :(#saddest day of my life#its weird bcuz theres no cramping or anything like i remember#it feels like my first period again#idk why it left or why it's back. but im not happy about it#i should def see another doctor to tey and figure it out tbh#but that seems like a lot of work#and i cant take birth control to get rid of it forever for real so i was happy my body got rid of it on its own#but alas. all good things must come to an end
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I’m at the point with old friends from home where old songs just make me kinda sad now this is weird
#like I haven’t talked to this guy in. 14 months now#we haven’t talked regularly in way way longer and even before that it was ending#and my last friend from home just stopped replying to messages in the middle of summer after a day out#incredibly on brand for them! just disappeared completely bc they’re upset with me for a reason they won’t tell me and I don’t understand#but this time I think it’s it and I’m okay with that#gonna let that one slip away. I think it’s time.#god our relationship was always so messed up#we met up once near the start of summer once we were both home and it was like I was 18 again#(18 was not a good time!)#they treat me kinda like a pet and they think they know me way better than they do#I tried to make things better between us but it never worked. we do something to each other that’s not great I don’t think. and that’s fine#and I knew it was done with the guy way back in April 2021#which was a whoooole different time#idk! idk. it’s so weird bc half of my music is unlistenable now bc it’s all from those two. I didn’t find my own music mostly then#they recommended stuff and it’s less that it reminds me of them moooostly it’s more that it reminds me of Then. and not a fan#but there are some songs which I listen to and are so strongly one of them that I just can’t do it#endings! and the time after them. I wonder what I’ll think abt the music I’m listening to now in a few years#luke.txt
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congratulations to the newly wed couple
thank you to everyone who has not only purchased the comic, but also had kind words to say in tags and through asks!! I am away for holiday for most of this month, and I have been/will be largely offline on account of this*-- but please know that my heart is incredibly full to know people like this story!!
(*any posts that go up here have been scheduled before I left)
A few recurring questions I'll answer here real quick:
Will Sacred Bodies have a physical print? Yes! I would like to self-publish this book after the fair is concluded and sell it at conventions and through my online store.
What are the Ba'It based off of? Their body/limb plan is based on pteradons!! with some bat and bird anatomy thrown in. Garaang are semi-bipedal so that makes the silhouette even weirder, but you see some quadrupedal stances in the comic and it might make more sense then. I don't want to post or talk too much about some of the minutae of their design, as it is part of the story itself. :}
What medium did you use for the comic? It's all digital; I used Clip Studio Paint to draw the entire thing. I use the base watercolour and design pencil brushes that come with the programme. How long did it take you to make the comic? It's a little hard to estimate-- initial ideas, visdev and writing drafts were intermitent at the start of the year; once I landed on the story, finalising the script would've taken no longer than a week of recurring writing and editing. It's the actual drawing that takes forever, unfortunately. I started thumbnailing around April, and pencilling, colours and painting were a 10-11 hour work-day commitment for most of June and July. (I lost a lot of work-time in May cause I fell ill, womp womp). I'd probably say it was 4 - 5 months of labour. Are you going to write more stories in this world? I would really like to! I have a lot of ideas rattling in my head for the Valley of the World-- the place that the folk of the Spire have escaped. That being said, I have a whole graphic novel to finish first! It has been pushed back on account (but not exclusively because) of me working on my SBCF entries the last couple years, and I don't want to neglect it any further!! (it's 350+ full colour pages though so it was always going to be a huge undertaking)
Thank you again for the outpouring of enthusiasm and support; it means the world!
#art#sbcf#scrb#monster#I'm basically on the first ever holiday I've gotten to take in my entire adult life#so these two things happening at the same time is supercharging me with happiness#I'm really sorry that I won't be able to address any of the lovely messages until I am back!
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I hate that you can't see a tweet thread anymore if you're not logged into Twitter (as a gesture of disrespect I refuse to call it by its rebranded name). Here is a copypasta of a thread from Dan Olson, a Canadian documentary filmmaker, expanding upon camera quality, the guilt trips Somerton used to goose his Patreon subscriptions, and how the best tools will never make up for lack of dedication or patience. I have added clarifications in [[double brackets]] where I feel it is necessary.
START OF THREAD
Okay, so, back in April I snapped at James in reply to a tweet that was linking to this video (which James has since delisted but not deleted) and I want to talk about the full context of that but I don't want to make a video, put your beatdown memes away. [[The video has since been deleted. I can see the title of the video is "Maybe the end (not an April Fool's Day thing".]]
The first bit of context is that I initially got keyed into James to fact-check his claims about indie filmmaking in Canada. As a filmmaker the entire Telos venture was immediately obvious as a juvenile fantasy dreamed up by someone with no idea how to make a movie.
Just wild claims about their plans that weren't worth debunking because they bordered Not Even Wrong. But in watching one of these pitch videos I noticed that he had a $4000 current-gen camera in the background as a prop, and that seemed both pretentious and weird.
You don't use your best camera as a prop, you use your second best camera as a prop. So being an obsessive weirdo I needed to know, and I watched his BTS stuff until I spotted his main rig, a $6000 camera with about $1000 in accessories.
Now, these in isolation are unremarkable because his Patreon at the time was bringing in ~$8000 per month, his channel was a full on Business business, and so investing in some professional equipment of that level is maybe a bit indulgent but justifiable.
What was weird is that he doesn't shoot multi-cam, doesn't shoot outdoors, doesn't shoot on location, and in a studio the two cameras kinda really step on each others' toes. Basically if you already have one and don't need a B cam there's no reason to get the other.
Again, on its own, this says nothing, it's just indicative of poor financial decisions, maybe impulsive purchasing, Gear Acquisition Syndrome. Biblical sins, but not crimes.
Paired with the constantly inflating fantasy scope of the Telos films it was clearly an expression of a very, very common bad filmmaker habit of "if I just get the right gear then my movie will basically make itself" Buying stuff because it feels like progress.
At the end of February he tweets "I want to start shooting anamorphic" and then three weeks later in March he posts the worst, out of focus, under-exposed "I just got a new lens!" video I've ever seen, showing off his trash-covered bedroom.
Based on what's available for his cameras and the lead time, that's enough time to get a Laowa Nanomorph or Sirui Saturn from B&H but not enough time to get a Great Joy from the UK or a Vazen from China. And with the flaring blah blah blah, $1300 lens.
Again, [gear acquisition syndrome] is not a crime and these lenses are budget options. Bit of a pointless impulse purchase since he only used it for the Showgirls video. But this is what he was doing just a few weeks before that above video came out: effortlessly impulse purchasing lenses.
James has (had?) a habit of regularly, aggressively driving viewers to Patreon by claiming that videos were getting demonetized. While tacky, it is something a lot of queer YouTubers have dealt with, so there's precedent there. But people were noticing he did it a lot.
Mid-March he humble brags about needing to work so hard to make 6 videos in April because he has over-booked sponsorships.
Then March 29th James posts this whole incel screed on Twitter about how sex work should be "subsidized as a mental health service."
[two image descriptions.
1. "For the majority of people sex (and human contact) can be imperative to a healthy state of mind. A kind and talented sex worker can make someone feel wanted for the first time in their life. I know sex workers who have pulled people back from suicide just by being there for them." 2. "Not only should (sex work) be legal, but it should be subsidized as a mental health service."]
He spends several days getting absolutely *roasted* for this, just dragged across the pavement and read for filth, and doubles down in the replies the whole way.
So this is the context immediately surrounding James waking up on Friday, and posts the above video and the below tweet.
[image description: "We just got the lowest Patreon payout we've gotten in well over a year. Like, a "maybe we need to rethink things" kind of amount... NOT an April Fools Day thing btw. But I don't know if we'll be making videos much longer."]
Now, this unfolds in kinda two directions. The first is that I'm convinced he was just lying about this income shock in the first place.
There's a million theoretical edge cases about what maybe happened and if maybe he just misunderstood the data or saw a glitch and panicked, maybe one of those happened, I don't believe it, I think he just lied because he was salty about getting dragged and felt owed a win.
A big tell to me is that he doesn't blame Patreon. He says he doesn't know what happened, but let's be real, Patreon screws up all the time, they're the first people anyone blames if anything confusing happens, just as a reflex action, even if it's completely not their fault.
The only reason to not blame Patreon is if you already know that it's not their fault and that any investigation on their part might reveal embarrassing details.
Instead he indirectly blames his viewers for not watching enough, not sharing enough, and not turning on auto-renew.
So regardless of the unknowable truth, this segues into the second, far more offensive direction of the messaging itself. "I don't know if we'll be making videos much longer." "Maybe the end" He explicitly framed this as an immediate existential threat to his channel.
In the video he is vague about everything, leaves a ton of hazy room for plausible deniability on how long the channel can keep going, but the messaging is "I need more patrons right this minute or my YouTube channel is over."
He repeatedly evokes all the "fun stuff" they had planned that would never see the light of day if this didn't turn around right away.
And his audience received this message loud and clear. Tons of people making far, far, far less than him left very heartfelt messages about digging a little deeper to subscribe or up their pledge or unsubscribe from other channels to move their pledge to his.
1200 new patrons in one day.
Since I simply don't believe the income shock was real in the first place that would put his post-"Maybe the end" Patreon income at around $10,000 per month. US. Add YouTube income, he's spent the last seven months making around $18,000 per month.
I have seen creators scale back their capabilities to the bone purely to keep making videos for the love of just, like, making stuff even as their funding evaporated and they needed to go back to a desk job to cover their bills.
You'd have to be so outstandingly reckless with your finances as a channel that a one month spook leads immediately to "channel over, sorry about all the fun stuff we won't get to do with you, our patrons, specifically because you, our patrons, aren't giving us enough money"
And not a spook where you then spend a couple weeks crunching numbers. Oh no. A shock so violent where less than two hours later you're weeping on camera about the channel being over.
Three weeks later he brought a brand new Sony FX6v for $8000 CAD to add to his pile of cinema cameras despite the fact that he was, but scant moments earlier, in such a precarious position that a single bad month would kill his channel.
He stole your money, and for that I'm profoundly sad and angry. That's why I snapped at him in April. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the full context then, and I'm sorry if that anger upset you.
END OF THREAD
#james somerton#dan olson#hbomberguy#jesus christ tumblr#it won't let me format things the way i want#because this website is sometimes a piece of shit
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ughhhh….ahh…
#dadbots.txt#vent#delete l8r#I.. don’t feel good. yeah.#what a great start to my April. and I haven’t even done my detox yet…#but. I seriously don’t. feel good. just… literal shit LOL#i relapsed in getting better. no. I don’t detail what it is but. I did.#everything hurts and has been for weeks. my body is achey and hurts. and my teeth hurts too… I’m so fatigued I can’t stay up w/o naps again#and I haven’t felt like that for a while. but it’s coming back again and I seriously didn’t expect it..#I’m just achey. fatigued. and tired. all around drained.#im begging for everything to heal and renewed. to repair everything to the nerves in my system and im working on all of that removed#all the damage is repaired and not a single thing hurts. that im healed. that all of it is gone.#I believe that we can repair and heal anything. that you can permanently get rid of anything. such as mental illness.#I want to be at that point. from health to the mental. I’m not a good person believe when I say that. but I’m i tried.#i truly did. but now. I don’t know. i feel sick to my stomach and nauseous.#this is as personal as I will get. even now I don’t like that I am spilling so much here.. but I need to update. reflect. on my journey#a journey that I can reflect on every month w/o being too personal. but something I can hold on to.#rn is just a hard time for me and I feel really really sick. and bad.#idk if anyone reads this but if u do - thank you. ily and be safe.
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