#i also have to decide if I am going to try to do an IUI next month if this one doesn’t work

[whentherewerebicycles]

ruthie slowly realizing I have the front camera turned on 😂 this dog hates being photographed!

we were up for a bit at 5 but it was too early and I was sleeepy so ended up dozing for another hour or two. rainy morning here. I’m trying to really savor the cozy snuggly days as life is about to get so hectic for me:

I’m in pittsburgh friday morning through monday night (YAYYY) attending two weekend games and hanging out with bec!!!

I have tuesday to run errands and do laundry before my mom arrives wednesday

we leave early thursday morning for 14 days in japan and korea, during which we are hitting tokyo, osaka, kyoto, nara, mt koya, hiroshima, miyajima island, fukuoka, busan, daegu, and /seoul… I’m soooo psyched but also 🫠 it’s gonna be a whirlwind and I still have to do quite a bit of prep to be ready

we get home on a wed, I have thurs to recover from jetlag slash finalize my job talk, and then friday is the all-day campus visit

THEN I leave sat morning for houston and get back late monday night

it’s gonna be a lot!!! so very okay to be slothful this weekend and for as much of next week as I can manage I think. I am building up my reserves of rest and solitude lol.

mmkay. tonight I am having dinner + watching tár with mary later (and maybe seeing my sister at some point in the afternoon tbd) but the morning is my own! no pressure to get anything done in particular but here are some options:

could do more campus visit research for fun! my first gen programming book is arriving sometime today so I could read that and take notes, or I could spend some more time working through these articles I pulled up on designing programming for transfer students. I was also thinking it might be fun to create some one-page idea/vision/notes docs by hand on various topics—I feel like writing by hand will reinforce my memory of key details, and then making decisions about how I want to visually organize/arrange content will be a good exercise in synthesizing what I’ve learned. lol even as I’m typing this out I’m like ‘OOOOH that sounds like fun!!!!’ so I guess I’ll probably do that.

my former student is calling me at some point today to talk about transfer students’ experiences. he’s around my age (went back to undergrad after serving in the military for a long time) and is fun to talk to because he’s super smart and just like… more of a fully formed person and professional than the college-age kids. so that will be fun and should give me some useful threads to follow in my research. 

pick up my CVS prescription

hmm maybe I’ll put my laundry in right now? I also want to change linens/towels. I cleaned most of the house yesterday so don’t have much else to do in the way of chores… and I have a bunch of leftovers to finish before I’m allowed to make anything else so no cooking to do today either.

if it clears up I’ll go for a shorter long walk (the hourlong loop?) unless it’s really nice and I feel like doing the 90+ min trek again. not gonna let myself run today though—I can tell I pushed it a bit yesterday with the long fast walk + running two days in a row at a quicker clip than usual. just a little bit of achiness!

I finished a novel yesterday and want to start the next one today so I don’t break stride, but that can wait till before bed unless I’m moved to read earlier.

mmkay I think that’s it! take it easy and do fun relaxing stuff today.

[landhoe-norris]

i’m back home! finally. iui story time.

so i was not expecting getting a smiley face yesterday. usually i can tell when i’m about to ovulate, it’s like a mini version of my period pains but there was nothing in the days leading up to it this time.

i took a test roughly 7 am yesterday and got a smiley face. sent an email to the clinic telling them what was going on and that I would have to make a special trip almost half across the country for them.

at 8:18 i get an email informing me that they tried to call me, and that they have scheduled an appointment at 14:15 that day for me (my phone keeps sending people busy signals while i don’t even get notified of a call. i think it’s the reception in my apartment). i basically say “oh fuck”, finish getting ready, put some things in a bag and book a hotel room cause i’m not driving back and forth again (did it for my first one and it was hell).

i drive out of town at about 8:40 and i just drive. i drive without stopping and I’m in reykjavík at about 13:00. i stop at kfc cause i haven’t had any food and contemplate if it’s a good idea cause you can’t pee 2 hours before the procedure and i already had to go. decide what the hell, get one of those twister thingies and then decide to go to the clinic.

i take the wrong turn which makes me lose my mind a bit but i get to my destination with time to spare.

i had a good talk with my doctor and she answered all my questions. this was my last straw of sperm so i asked her what my next step should be. she told me that considering i am still young there is no reason i shouldn’t keep going with the iui’s.

the next step would be ivf but boy is it a hassle. you have to inject hormones, and then when that’s all done you have to take a week where your eggs are harvested then inseminated and the put right back up.

i am going to keep on with the iui’s. she told me that in heterosexual couples an ivf isn’t really tried until after a year of trying. that’s 12 iui’s. i’ve done three.

so yeah. i’m at least gonna do three more.

anyways, this iui went well. 13 million sperms were pushed into my uterus. a great mental image. i bled a tiny bit which has never happened before but it’s not a bad sign. it was only one drop and it’s an invasive procedure.

all in all i spent about 200,000 isk in roughly 24 hours (€1339, £1147, $1466) so thumbs up for that.

also i stayed at a hotel and my charger didn’t work so i had to sit in my car for a couple of hours (i ended up driving aimlessly) to charge my phone so i could use it as an alarm. in the end i asked the insanely handsome guy at the front desk to call me at 8 am. he called me 15 minutes late (he was very apologetic when i checked out and i woke up at 7 am regardless so it was fine).

just got back home after a 5-hour journey where i, once again, didn’t stop to even pee.

i have a really good feeling about this time and i’m crossing everything in hopes that it worked 🤞🤞

[chaosslibrarian]

So like deciding to be a single mom of choice is one thing

Deciding to do it

Picking a timeframe

And it’s not that long from now?

It’s terrifying. Not in the way that I’ll change my mind but in the way that it makes it so much more real. Like I’m arranging my life and making plans to fit a child into it.

Now I’m at the stage where I’m seeing how I can accommodate a child in my apartment. I live in a studio & don’t plan on moving for another 5 years. I’m decluttering in stages & planning what needs to fit and how.

Also, figuring out finances and what things will cost. I’m definitely not good with money, so I’m really doing my best to be better. I’m not bad in the way that anyone would suffer for it, I just get carried away sometimes lol. It’s all about my autism and ADHD and the skill loss I’ve suffered from burnout.

That’s another thing that I need to be mindful of. It’s a risk I get burnt out again, but I also learnt a lot from my burnout and am much better at accepting help, seeing my limits, and knowing why there are limits. I’m less harsh on myself about preforming in specific ways and instead setting realistic goals and methods to get there.

My personal goal is to apply for the wait list at the start of next year or around this time next year.

It needs to be at least 6 months from my heart surgery, which I hope I will have this summer or early fall.

I expect the wait times to be: 3-4 months for first appointment, 6 months for appointment at the specialist clinic (bc AuDHD and previous burnout etc.), 1-2 months waiting for approval, and 3-5 months to get started. Basically 13-17 months from getting okay (so 14 months-18 months for first cycle?). Some have said wait times have reduced, some stages could go much faster.

I’d say 8 months is likely the fastest it could happen. So if I have my heart surgery in July I can apply in February, and if I’m lucky I’ll get started by November 2025. This would actually be the best possible scenario for me, and the one I hope for. Imagine I’d get pregnant in November and be due in August 2026, with mat leave that would also be fantastic.

The two scenarios I’d rather not be in: due in November, or be in my 1st trimester in early April 2026 (for reasons). But you get what you get. I would be thrilled to be pregnant by then, and if I am as lucky and fertile as the rest of my family I likely will be, lol. Doing IUI you just can’t be sure!! I’d do IVF but I’m not eligible for that until 3-4 failed IUI cycles (which I’d expect is about 6-8 months bc possible missed ovulations during weekends and holidays, plus needing rest between).

A part of me just wants to get started because once I’m there I wish I could just… start, but there’ll be a lot of waiting. There’s a big chance that my surgery is in the autumn, I’ll then have an 18 month wait, and after that struggle to get pregnant and need IVF. If the IVF would be successful first try that’d be like… 2+ years, so in 2028!! But, I have a sister who expected to take years to get pregnant because of this worst case scenario belief… and got pregnant first try before she was actually properly ready. So I would rather it take until I’m 36 than to be too premature.

Just waiting to hear back from the surgery team to find out when I get my heart surgery so I can recover properly and be ready.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

nov 6th - holy cow

today was a bit of a haze.. morning test today was slightly darker than yest but still SOOO SOO faint that k could barely acknowledge it was there. Testing on wondfo early result which i'm learning is rubbish for getting easy-to-see lines early on, though they are there if you're crazy like me.

my mindset all day - through a very busy busy day mind you - was thus: i am pretty sure this is a pregnancy (separate from the ovidrel trigger) but i am also about 50/50 on whether or not it will progress much - aka i had a pit in my stomach i just "knew" it would be a chemical pregnancy. "that's just more consistent with my type of luck, the kind of thing that would happen to me". i spent yesterday morning grief-rage crying.

and then after a 1.5hr long very dragged out bedtime routine with p just now involving TWO meltdowns.......... i decided to POAS one last time in the name of being able to sleep better tonight bc then i would be able to 'let it truly go'.

and then i got these (the last one in the row + i took an FRER)

which, after ahem ahem having spent the whole of the past 36 hours scouring the internet for reference pics/data, I feel are totally modest + comfortable lines for where i am, which is prob. 10.5-11 dpo

and definitely a progression from the last few days.

if i had to guess, this is prob 40-50 miu/mL. BANGIN'

so i feel that i'm back in the game.

i'm going nuts! allowing myself to feel some type of hope. and definitely trying to be better about letting myself wish my wish + let it be without pre-empting or protecting against it.

i even messaged the fertility clinic to see if they'd do a beta for me without insurance

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTFFFFFF IS THIS EVEN REAL

no matter what happens, i'm able to be grateful that we got this far. we got pregnant. it's the freaking ovidrel man. we didn't even do an IUI this time. take my $100. 2/2 pregnancy rate.

[singleroad]

Soooo

I’ve decided I’m going to try to go through the Swedish healthcare system to do IUI and… if those fails an IVF attempt… and if that fails go to Denmark. Lol

It could take a long time for it to go through even when I start, but it won’t cost as much.

Depending on how my debt situation looks at the start of 2025 I’ll start then. I think it’ll look decent figuring in a wait period for evaluation, to be approved, and then to get a time for inseminatio, and pregnancy. With that timeline, if I were to get pregnant on the first try it would still be a 2026 baby and I know things will look so great then.

There’s many fears though. Reading through the rules for inseminations for single people they highlight concerns for people with previous mental health problems. I am autistic, ADHD, have chronic depression and anxiety BUT I am reeeaaaally well medicated and it’s managed so well right now. Like I thought my ADHD meds would do nothing but it’s such a clear delineation from before and after I started them this year.

This is also a reason to wait. I have to prove that I can stay well enough to care for a baby. I did have a burnout just before the pandemic that was pretty bad, but I now know that it was my autism and being forced to mask 24/7 that was the issue + some ADHD things.

The biggest challenge and way to prove myself is through the job I’m starting in august. It is a job I’m so excited for and I have so many ideas, but it is a full time job with a fairly long commute until October. I have worked 80hr weeks at times since the pandemic, but this whole week in and week out of 40hrs and managing a whole library by myself is scary. How will I manage? I need to manage or I will need to accept that children can’t be in the cards for me… and that thought genuinely makes me want to sob. There’s a reason why I want to go through with this.

So many thoughts and ramblings.

I am also concerned about taking my IUD out. The plan was to take it out next week but I’m going to cancel that appointment and have it out in September or October. Next week is a 50hr work week at a physically demanding job, and then with the new job I don’t want to manage having a period for the first time in nearly 6 years during that transitioning. I’ve started to have “mini” periods as the hormone is basically gone soon, and the mini cramps makes me remember how awful the cramps were. But it’s part of the process. I’m going to get period panties because I hate tampons and pads are a textural nightmare, and cups are daunting. It also feels like a good bet when I have no clue about my flow in the beginning. When I removed the nexplanon it was such a wild ride the first months after trying to figure out what my body was doing.

After the first period I’m going to try out the easy@home ovulation strips with premom app for a few months just to see if I ovulate regularly or not. I should have a basal temp somewhere too.

I’m just so ready for this next chapter of my life to start so I can build the future of my life. 4 weeks and I’m at my new job. 11 weeks and I’m back in my apartment.

I can do this

I can show them

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

IUI - The Way I Love You

bear with me here folks

I know the Idiots are usually soft af. but my lovely spouse/fiance/soon-to-be-fiance and beta @dani-dandelino hit me with an idea and I added a dash handful of angst bc i couldn’t help it

Warnings: feelings of inadequacy, fear of breakup (no actual breakup I promise), miscommunication, drunk af Geralt, past shitty relationships, happy ending tho I promise, there’s tears but they’re happy I swear.

______________________________________

Geralt only ever got sloppy drunk when Jaskier was the DD. It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t trust anyone else, it was that he didn’t trust his drunk boyfriend not to goad him into something stupid. 

The last time they’d both gotten fucked up outside of their apartment they woke up with three traffic cones and a “Speed Hump” sign in their living room. When they asked Triss what happened she sent them a video of them giggling as they tried to fit the sign into her trunk.

After hanging the sign in their apartment, they decided it may be best to take turns. 

This particular instance, they’d dropped Triss and Yen off and were on their way home, Geralt’s head lolling against the window as he fought to stay awake. 

“I’m not carrying your perky ass upstairs,” Jaskier laughed, snapping his fingers near Geralt’s ear. 

Geralt grumbled but sat up straight and leaned into Jaskier’s outstretched hand, “Radio.”

Affectionately rolling his eyes, Jaskier pulled his hand away and flipped on the radio. Geralt immediately gasped and started singing along off key and slurred. The first time Jaskier heard Geralt scream along to Taylor Swift he’d been shocked, if extremely endeared. 

“BUT I MISS SCREAMIN’ AND FIGHTIN AND KISSIN IN THE RAIN! IT’S TWO AM AND I’M CURSIN’ YOUR NAME! SO IN LOVE THAT WE ACTED INSANE, AND THAT’S THE WAY I LOVED YOUUUUUUUUU!”

Jaskier turned the volume down to a reasonable level when Geralt cranked it so loud his ears might start ringing. He rolled his eyes when Geralt started singing it to him, taking the shortcut home and trying to ignore the little pit forming in his stomach. 

When the song ended Geralt turned the radio down and picked up his hand not gripping the steering wheel, “Jask?”

“Mhm?”

Even in the car, Geralt glanced around conspiratorially before whispering, “I have a secret.”

Fear flared in Jaskier’s chest but he took a deep, calming breath, reminding himself who he was talking to. His boyfriend thought secrets were fun. Mostly because Geralt’s version of a secret was keeping what he made for dinner a surprise until Jaskier got home. He’d even felt guilty not telling Jaskier he was seeing a therapist when they’d started dating. For all his gruff exterior and suspicion, Geralt really was an open book with those he loved and trusted. Jaskier had a very different idea of what secrets in a relationship meant. 

“What’s that, love?” 

Geralt giggled as he traced the edges of a magnolia on the back of Jaskier’s wrist, “That is the way I love you.”

Luckily for Jaskier’s car, they were rolling up to a stop sign. He had time to loose his breath for a moment and fight back the initial feeling of shame and anger with himself before he pulled his hand away and gripped the steering wheel as he punched the gas. 

Through gritted teeth, he said the gentlest thing he could think of, “We don’t kiss in the rain.”

Geralt frowned, almost pouted at him, “I still love you.”

A part of Jaskier wanted to scream at Geralt, another part wanted to pull over and make him walk home, thankfully the loudest part reminded him the idiot was just drunk. He didn’t know what he was saying and he thought he was being sweet. There was also a good possibility he would cry himself to sleep in the passenger seat if Jaskier yelled at him and last time he tried to carry Geralt to bed his back hurt for a week. 

“I love you too,” Jaskier sighed as he pulled into their parking spot. 

He didn’t sleep well that night. Not because his sweaty, smelly, and fidgety boyfriend clung to him in his sleep, but because he couldn’t stop thinking about the ride home. 

Jaskier had lived in relationships like that for most of his adult life. Hell, even in his teens. They were nothing but all consuming passion with no connection to support it and left both parties jaded and lost. When he left his mentor he’d sat in Yen’s chair for hours and hours, until his arm had gone numb, and the only thing he could think was ‘never again’. 

And now Geralt thought he was being cute. The ridiculously meticulous and serious man was only ever sappy when he got drunk and now instead of reveling in it like he’d like, Jaskier was staring at the clock on his nightstand calculating how exhausted he’d be in the morning as the minutes ticked by. 

Turns out, he was at least in the land of the living by the time Geralt shuffled into the kitchen with his hands in his hair and a pained expression. 

“Feel like shit.”

Jaskier hummed in agreement as he sipped his morning tea and shifted in his seat to see better out the window. 

After popping a few anti-inflammatories and nibbling on a cracker before giving up on food, Geralt lumbered up behind Jaskier and draped his arms over his shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

“S’nothing. I’m just being… touchy.”

Geralt pressed a light kiss over the hellebore tattoo on Jaskier’s neck, “I doubt it.”

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as Jaskier laid his hand over Geralt’s arm across his chest, “I don’t want to lose this.”

“Why…? What makes you think you would?” Geralt was a little slower on the draw hungover, but he knelt next to Jaskier’s chair and rested a hand on his knee as he waited for a response. He only ever looked so worried when Roach had an abscess and it broke Jaskier’s heart. He didn’t want to say it and ruin everything. 

After a deep breath in, he mumbled out his answer, “Do you really love me like that song?”

“What song?” Geralt breathed, his thumb brushing back and forth over Jaskier’s knee.

“The uh, Way I Loved You one.”

Geralt searched his face for a beat, the crease between his eyebrows only deepening, “Of course I do.”

“Fuck,” Jaskier breathed, biting his lip to keep it from wobbling as he forced all the air from his lungs in the hopes it would do something to stop the tears from falling. When it was clear he would lose the battle he leaned forward with his elbows on the table, hiding his face in his hands.

“You… don’t want me to?” Geralt sounded close to tears himself, but he didn’t take his hand off Jaskier’s thigh. 

“No- yes! No?” Jaskier sniffed and wiped at his face but didn’t lean back to look at Geralt, “I- Geralt I can’t just fill a hollow relationship with lust. We ha- I thought we had more? But if you want the- the fights and the hate fucking- I don’t- Geralt I don’t want that. Not with anyone but not with you. Ne-”

“Hey, hey,” Geralt tugged at Jaskier’s arm, gathering him to his chest when the brunette melted into sobs, “I don’t want that. That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry I let you think that.” He cradled Jaskier’s head to his shoulder, pressing kisses into his hair between softly spoken apologies and reassurances. They stayed there until Jaskier’s tea went cold and his sobs were closer to little gasps. 

Eventually, Jaskier lifted his head and met Geralt’s eyes, “H-how do you love me?”

Geralt licked his lips, his voice barely above a whisper, “Not- It’s not hollow.”

Jaskier squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his forehead to Geralt’s, “Please?”

One of Geralt’s hands came up to cup Jaskier’s cheek as he took a deep breath, “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you… I never wanted to be romantic with anyone until you. You… You make me feel… safe. I’m never bored of you or numb or sick of you. This is the first relationship I’ve had where I bother to fight, Jask. I love you so much it makes me do things I never thought to do and I’m glad and I never want to change anything about us. Never.” 

A shiver ran down Jaskier’s spine as relief flooded his whole body. His throat ached from crying and his shoulders were sore from holding all that tension in a way they hadn’t for years, but he’d never felt so good. Geralt loved him. Him. Not some tumultuous relationship or the sex or the drama of it all. Someone finally loved him for him. 

It hadn’t really hit Jaskier till then. They’d said ‘I love you’, sure, but he hadn’t really believed Geralt, just like he’d stopped believing the string of selfish lovers before him. 

“Thank Mellitelle,” Jaskier laughed, just on this side of hysterical as he tightened his grip around Geralt’s shoulders, “I fucking love how boring we are. And you. Fuck I really really do love you.”

“Even when I smell like my regulars?” Geralt teased, intentionally huffing a little extra and dosing Jaskier in his horrendous hangover morning breath.

Jaskier wrinkled his nose but smiled and kissed him anyway, “Of course.”

“Mhh,” Geralt pulled away for a moment, brushing his thumb over Jaskier’s crows feet in a silent request for him to open his eyes, “Can we go back to bed?”

“The crying does it for you, huh?” Jaskier chuckled, his voice was still weak but his laugh was genuine.

“I’m so dizzy, Jask,” squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head ever so slightly, Geralt plopped back onto his heels. If Jaskier hadn’t witnessed just how much he drank he’d say he was lying, but Jaskier was truly surprised he’d even climbed out of bed this morning.

“Mkay, up. Back to bed then.”

They settled under the blankets and tangled themselves back together. Geralt hummed, closing his eyes and squeezing Jaskier a little tighter.

New, happier tears threatened at the corners of his eyes but he pushed them down, opting to trace the corner of Geralt’s buttercup tattoo peeking out of his shirt, “I love you.”

Geralt took a deep breath in before he sighed out a rumbling, “I know.”

“No, Geralt. Really,” Jaskier laid his hand over the yellow and green ink, “I’ve said these words more times than I can count but I don’t think I ever really understood them until you.”

“Jaski-”

“I love you,” Jaskier’s interruption was far smaller and far more fragile than he had intended. His words just continued to spill out, “You’re steady and calm and I’ve never had that. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like and I’m constantly scared I’m gonna fuck it up…”

Comforting fingers ran through his hair as Geralt murmured his reply, “Me too,” Jaskier just squeezed his shoulder in a bit of solidarity and a bit of selfish comfort, “But I think we’re doing alright…”

“Why’s that?”

“Well,” Geralt started, shifting so he was practically engulfing Jaskier, “we both still love each other, and...” his boyfriend pinched him when he trailed off, pretending to fall asleep in a way that always mad Jaskier giggle, “Ow- and you use the hooks by the front door.” 

“I do, don’t I?” Jaskier sniffled, “And you used your words.”

“I’d use all the words for you.”

“All of them?”

Geralt really was drifting away this time, his words coming slowly as his arms relaxed and Jaskier felt their full weight over him, “Not well, but I would...” 

[maybemamatobe]

Why I'm here.

Alright. So I actually I didn't want to do this blog, but I was so frustrated, upset and disappointed with the very little useful information I've been finding online about this journey that I felt I had to.

A little about me. I'm a 37 y.o. Black woman with a PhD in engineering. I'm married to the most amazing man who loves me for me (despite the crazy). I work in the tech industry and the nonprofit sector trying to build technology solutions that merge social justice interests and goals and teach people along the way. '

A lot of ish has been hard for me in my adult life. My kid life was pretty idyllic to be honest. Things got complicated and hard from college forward - ambition is pretty costly, but often the rewards are pretty good. I still have PTSD and anxiety from grad school and work challenges that were often influenced by race and sex - basically, being a Black woman is often a tough experience to live through. While I've figured out how to navigate with lots of different kinds of strategies and resources, I'm in a challenge now that I didn't anticipate and am struggling to figure out -infertility.

In May 2020, still early in the pandemic, my hubs and I were ready - IUD taken out, we're going to try to have a baby. For context, when we were dating and really up until then I was always an "eh if it happens great, if it doesn't no big deal" type of person about kids. My early adult life jaded me pretty quickly I guess. But we decided to try. At 36 I knew I was stepping into advanced maternal age, but I never had any reasons to worry as far as I knew.

By February of 2021 I had not a single late period, no hint of a positive test, just absolutely nothing. I called the office of my new doctor (we had just moved to TX in Feb 2020) and was hurried off the phone saying I needed to be trying a full year. Skkkrrttt!! - what? The ol' innanet says at 35+ six months. So, here I was a little not sure what to do because my new Black woman doctor's office wouldn't see me and it's a panorama out there, so getting a doctor's appointment is tough.

February 2021 through now have been a lot - pelvic physical therapy, getting a reproductive endocrinologist, new ob/gyn, hysteroscopic myomectomy, getting my hubs on board fully, 2.5 IUIs, and now recovery from an open myomectomy just a few days ago with 16 (!!!!!!) fibroids removed and at least a 3-month wait ahead to try to get pregnant I've figured out a bunch. I also have been disappointed, upset and frustrated with the lack of real or useful information out there about this experience, especially for Black women.

Yeah, I can read the scientific articles, but that doesn't tell you that you need to plan to not be able to do your hair for a few weeks. Checking out doctor's websites might help you get a sense of what is involved in fertility treatments, but don't explain how fibroids can be a silent enemy.

So, I'm here...I want to use this blog as a real, woman to woman, "here's what I've found out and learned on this journey" resource to share what I've newly learned and what I found out the hard way.

[shelbywanders]

Chapter 23: Infertile

So...let’s start from the beginning yeah?

February 2018, we found out the best news, we were expecting! With my past history, we thought for sure we would be trying for a while. So the fact that I was staring at a positive pregnancy test after just a mere two months trying to get pregnant was unreal. But 9 extremely long, tiring and definitely taken for granted months, out popped the greatest gift I’ve ever been given; my Adeline Mae! 

She was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, I know that sounds so cliche. She came out looking like her daddy’s clone (go figure) except for that sweet little button nose & I just couldn’t believe that we had made something so damn perfect. 

I won’t get into the details of being a new mum and all that jazz in this post, but of course, there’s a lot that goes on in the first year. But one thing that started to get on me and my husband’s minds pretty quickly was growing our family. When Addy was around 6 months, we decided it was time to start trying again. We always talked about having our kiddos close in age and at the time, we wanted lots of them. I had a hard pregnancy with Addy, but that didn’t change my feelings about wanting that big family I always dreamed of having with the person I loved. I have three younger brothers who are 10, 8, & 7. I’ve grown to love how close they are in age and wanted that for my kids too. Me and my older sister are 4 years apart and while we’re super close now, there came a time where we weren't. We’ve always envisioned ourselves with kids just a couple years apart, and get all of our baby making years out of the way so that we can then stop, relax and watch all our kids grow up together. Of course, plans don’t always exactly go as planned. 

I exclusively breastfed Adeline until she was 20 months. When we started trying, my periods had returned but weren’t regular at all anymore. So I started my TTC journey a bit different than I did back in 2018. OPK’s became my best friend and little did I know how many I would go through the next almost two years and counting. But they did help me learn more about my cycle and I grew accustomed over constantly peeing on things every day. 

We were super excited in the beginning, it always is. It’s fun, it’s sexy, it’s exhilarating. The two week wait is exciting as you anxiously wait to pee on some more sticks. The first few times of getting your period, of course it’s a let down, but you keep on keeping on because surely...it will happen soon! Until it doesn’t...

Around Addy’s first birthday which was around 6/7 months of trying I started to get that aching feeling that was new to me. Why isn’t it happening? Shouldn't I be pregnant by now? What are we doing wrong? In our grand plan of our life, I was wanting to be pregnant by Addy’s first birthday and that came and went. Sex wasn’t much fun anymore, I was tired of having to buy more ovulation tests and tired of squinting at clearly negative but also wait, is that a line? tests over and over again. But of course...we just kept trying, praying that next month will be our month. 

December came, month 7/8. I was so busy creating orders for my small shop and we weren’t hardcore tracking. We did the the deed once, the day before my birthday. Two weeks later, I realized I was late. Two days late actually. What?! This hasn’t happened before...grabbed the nearest test to me and finally. Finally. Two pink little lines. A faint line, but a line nonetheless! We were pregnant!!! I remember running to the store to get more tests because I have to see the progression, ya know, peace of mind. I stopped in the kids clothing section and spotted a cute “Big Sister” shirt and grabbed it. I wanted Addy to wear it out and see how long it took my hubby to notice what her shirt said. Unfortunately, she never got to wear that shirt and it’s stashed in the bottom of her dresser three sizes too small now. 

To keep it short and sweet, we lost our squishy baby that should’ve stuck around for 9 months and created a family of four just a couple of weeks after finding out. Instead, it started a whirlwind of emotions that I didn’t even know I could feel and a fight that we’re still battling to as I type this all out. Maybe one day I’ll make another blog about the miscarriage and all the feelings that came with it, just not in this post. 

At this point, here we are entering 2020 grieving the loss of what would’ve been. We picked ourselves up as much as we could and kept on going. Trying. Praying. Crying. Trying. Praying. Crying. We hit a year TTC in May 2020 and I felt a new level of hopelessness. Chapter 23: Infertile?... But how? I’ve gotten pregnant easily in the past, I’ve carried a baby, my body has done this before...what is wrong? 13 months TTC and we had the talk. The talk about trying to find answers and get some help. I set up a costly consultation with a fertility clinic in June. Our insurance doesn’t cover anything so of course, it was a big decision we had to make. While waiting for my cycle to start so that we could start fertility treatments, I had my first chemical pregnancy. So that was another heartache...moving on. 

August 2020, I have my first medicated cycle with my RE. I was on Clomid 50mg, triggered with Ovidrel and progesterone supplements after ovulation. The first cycle was perfect. Absolutely beautiful. I was ecstatic! My body responded so well to the meds and I ovulated at the perfect time and everything seemed great. Didn’t get pregnant, which sucked. $1200 in the hole, but hey! The meds worked. Let’s try again. Second cycle, same thing. My body didn’t respond at all. Nothing. Cycle cancelled...$1200 done the drain again. At this point the holidays were quickly approaching and our wallets were struggling so we put a hold on fertility treatments and we haven’t done any since. The month after we stopped, I had another chemical. That felt like a big ol’ screw you. 

Hold tight, you’re almost caught up! We’re nearing the end of 2020, thank GOD. That hellish year needed to leave STAT. January 2021. New starts, new chances. I had an appt with my primary to talk about what I have been suspecting to be the problem of our infertility struggles. And that’s when a diagnosis came around. PCOS. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. it’s one of the most common reproductive conditions in women and one of the leading causes for infertility. It runs in my family, my symptoms matched, I just couldn’t see it being anything else. As for Addy? I truly think we just got lucky. Blessed. I will never question it. I’m beyond grateful because I cannot imagine not having her right now. I started on Metformin a couple of weeks ago, a drug that helps treat PCOS. I also started a diet and have lost about 15 lbs so far! My motivation is because after this we will probably start doing IUI’s and I want to make sure I’m in good health so that are chances are as good as they can be. But of course...we are praying and hoping that it doesn’t come to that and by some miracle, we get pregnant naturally again before we go down that road. 

So there it is! You’re caught up. I didn’t go into many details on individual experiences because I knew this post was already going to be long. I just felt like a little synopsis of our TTC & infertility journey was needed before I continue writing about my experiences! I’ve felt pretty alone, even though I have people around me who care and love for me but they just haven’t gone through this so it’s hard to relate to anyone. I find writing to help. Getting it out there even if no one reads it. I am absolutely determined to make 2021 beautiful and I believe in every inch of me that our rainbow baby is coming to us. This month. Next month. Maybe at the end of the year. But I know it will happen...I can’t lose hope even if I wanted to. I’m hoping by sharing our journey, we can all find hope within each other. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. Our wishes will come true. Our prayers will be answered. As they say...even miracles take a little time. 

xoxo shelby 

[queertisticmummy]

The Background

I am a queer, autistic woman. I have been out as gay since I was 17, and I was recently diagnosed as autistic, at the age of 29. 

Becoming a parent is something that I have always wanted, always felt deep within my body and soul. It is a core part of my identity. I think I was quite naive in my younger adulthood, and kind of thought that getting pregnant and having children would be quite easy. As I’ve discovered more about the process and the red tape that exists in this country around queer people having children, the more difficult I have found the process to be.

In 2020, during the Covid-19 Pandemic, I got married. The wedding was much smaller than we had intended, but it was perfect. We had two glorious days of sunshine, outdoors celebrations with the people closest to us. We saved a lot of money, which has been a real blessing, as each step of fertility treatment has cost quite a bit more than expected.

We started our fertility journey in January 2021, exploring different clinics in our area, working out the costs, and beginning to understanding the different paths we could take. We had vaguely looked at private sperm donation previously, but trying again this time, we weren’t able to find anyone suitable, and were a bit unsure about taking the risk of an unknown donor. We decided to go through official channels, to maximise our chances and ensure we remain safe both legally and in terms of my health. My first appointment with the fertility clinic was in January, with an internal scan to check my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were all in good shape. The nurse told me I had a textbook uterus, with great follicles and ovaries, and she could see which side I had ovulated from that month. I was ecstatic! We also had an online appointment with a consultant, who talked us through all our options. We settled on a medicated IUI cycle, which is quite non-invasive. It involves taking injections for about 10 days which help the follicles to grow, and then taking a trigger shot to stimulate ovulation. 36-40 hours after the ovulation induction, the sperm is inserted via a catheter directly into the uterus, by the fallopian tube on the side that ovulation has occurred that month.

We bought 3 straws of sperm intended for IUI (intrauterine insemination) at the end of January from the European Sperm Bank. There wasn’t a lot of choice with regards to the donors, but we found one who seemed very kind, with similarly personality traits to both my wife and to me.

When we first met, my wife was interested in the idea of carrying a child. She had always said with previous partners that she would want to go first. However, my wife is non-binary and the more we talked about me carrying (I have always wanted to!) and how happy and confident I was about doing so, the less my wife wanted to. We decided I would probably carry any and all children we have, but have left it open after we’ve had the first, in case she changes her mind.

There was a lot of waiting between everything we did in January, to finally being able to start treatment in May. I had to have virology blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis or HIV, a blood test to check my ovarian reserve, more consultations with the clinic about our consent to treatment, an online module to complete about using donor sperm, and training on how to administer the injections.

Each try for a baby is going to cost us around £2000, which includes the sperm, the blood tests, the medication, and the actual treatment itself. It feels like a lot of pressure, but knowing I have a healthy and strong reproductive system already makes me confident that it will all work out.

A few months in, I had a strange vision that we would have twins. Reading up on medicated IUI treatment afterwards, I found out there’s about a 1 in 3 chance of becoming pregnant with twins, which is much higher than both natural insemination/intercourse and IVF treatment. I feel quite hopeful that we will have twins, a boy and a girl, and I have started visualising this in an attempt to manifest this ideal outcome.

[whentherewerebicycles]

gotta be honest I felt real bad for most of the day yesterday but gosh it’s so nice to be able to swing by my bff’s house after work to eat thai leftovers together and go grocery shopping and cackle a lot. my overall quality of life is about to skyrocket and I just still can’t believe I got so lucky.

I feel a little better today, probably because I’ve switched into planning mode and feel a little more in control of my life again. I think I am going to move forward with IVF abroad (though in the meantime I might go through a couple more IUI cycles to use up the donor sperm I still have in storage). more thinking aloud under the cut… sorry I just have to process everything out loud.

I know many people do IUI or try to conceive naturally for a long time and there might be some wisdom in continuing to try the lower-tech option for a while longer. however, I feel like I need to consider the following things:

I only have one fallopian tube now. it’s still possible for me to get pregnant via IUI, but after reading a bunch of articles I’m not sure that the “having only one tube doesn’t affect your chances!” messaging online is true. I can still get pregnant, but it seems like my time to conception will almost certainly be extended by quite a bit.

I need to weigh the practical costs. if I try IUI for six more months, that’s at least $15k, which is almost twice what an IVF cycle abroad would cost me.

I need to weigh the emotional costs. the IUI failures were tough but I could weather them and I could’ve probably kept going if that last cycle had failed. but the ectopic pregnancy was just devastating and I still feel like I am in a place of lowgrade anguish about it. could I keep going with IUI? yes, if I had to. but I also don’t have to use “could I force myself to endure a very painful emotional experience if I had to” or “have other people endured this painful experience in the past” as my criteria for making this decision. I don’t have to compare myself to other people or make choices based on the level of despair I think I can endure. I can make the ‘selfish’ decision that prioritizes my needs right now, because it’s my money, my time, my life, my heart.

I just really, really, really want to give myself a good shot at being pregnant before my SIL gives birth in March. I would love for our kids to be the same age and I also think that would line me up better with liz & A’s timeline.

obviously I would just be over the moon to have even one baby!!!! but in my ideal world I’d be able to have two kids a couple years apart. and if that is my goal, the time pressure is real. if I got pregnant at 34 I’d give birth at 35 and probably wouldn’t begin the process again until 37, at which point it would be even harder than it is now. if I’m very lucky, IVF might also give me the chance to freeze embryos while my eggs are a little younger.

after a lot of research, I think finding a clinic in Mexico makes the most sense for me. it’s a little more expensive than some of the European clinics, but here are the benefits:

I can book direct flights on points

most flights are under 4 hours (compared to 14-15 hours to europe). so it’ll be easier to get there and back if I have to return for future transfers or egg retrievals—like, I could fly down over a long weekend instead of having to plan around major holiday breaks when I have more time off. I think this will put much less weight on each individual try, as opposed to doing it in Europe where a failed cycle would likely mean having to wait 6+ months until I could accrue enough PTO to go again.

I can arrange to work remotely some or all of the time I have to be in-country since I’ll be in the same timezone

no one is going to make this decision for me or give me permission to do it—I have to be the one to decide to move forward. so I’m deciding. this week I will reach out to 5-6 clinics to schedule initial consultations. I’m not sure how long the waiting period is but man it would be great to be able to schedule something for the fall. I think if I had a date on the calendar, even if it’s a ways out, I could focus my energy on diet/exercise/sleep/overall emotional well-being and just, idk, feel like I was moving towards a goal instead of drifting in time like I am now. if I want this I just gotta get moving. and if it doesn’t pan out I can grieve and shift my focus to other routes to parenthood, but I think I’m far enough down this road that I have to exhaust my options first before I’ll be able to let go of this dream and move on.

[bitoffairydust]

More Delays

So, it's been pretty quiet for the past month, and it's likely to continue being so for the weeks to come.

My day 1 finally came today - after an abnormal 36 day cycle. As luck would have it, we had planned a getaway for the weekend. Not very far out of course, but just a change of scenery, especially for my wife who's been stuck working from home since April. However, because of the cyst from last month, they needed to do a control ultrasound on day 2 or 3, which I am now not available for. The first day I'd be able to do it on is day 5, at which point it would be too late as it could apparently be confused with a follicle, according to the nurse. This is due to the letrozole, and I tried asking if they would just let me do unmedicated this month, but that's not an option.

She did find that they had an opening today at 3:50 which could have possibly worked as far as monitoring goes, but my coworker is off today, and my boss decided to leave at noon, which leaves me alone in the office. Mind you, it'd been very quiet and I'm not expecting much to happen that late in the day before a holiday weekend, but he was unwilling to let the phone be unmonitored for an hour.

It's so discouraging. I know I've hardly even had to deal with the IUI journey so far, and I'm probably just overly dramatic right now, but it doesn't feel like it should be this hard to even try to get it started. It makes me feel scared that it's happening for a reason, and that reason is that I shouldn't get pregnant. I was prepared to deal with the disappointments of negative tests but so far I'm hardly even getting that.

Of course, I should feel thankful that the reason I can't go forward this month is because we're lucky enough to plan a quick getaway weekend. And it will possibly be the same thing with next month, which means I may actually not have another IUI scheduled until November. I guess maybe I can try and hope for a Christmas positive. And if anything, I don't have to plan for the expense of more sperm until 2021.

I also need to stop making myself feel like there's a deadline on this project. I'm 31, I got perfectly normal test results during the preliminary steps (minus now this stupid cyst of course, but I guess those happen). I'm not in a rush, and feeling like I am is probably not gonna help the process. It'll just give us a bit more time to get extra ready to welcome a baby in our home.

My logical mind is gonna grasp all of that at some point. Maybe just not today.

- Marie

[jojosbizarreadventur]

Time’s Crusade: Prologue (00) and Chapter One (01)

also available on AO3 (under emih)

Summary: Yesterday in 2011, your husband Noriaki and close friend Jotaro were both murdered together just months before your university graduations. The day before yesterday, you discovered that your nerve-wracking IUI procedure was successful. Two months before that day, said close friend made a proposition to the both of you due to your husband’s recently-discovered infertility.

Today in 1988, you’re over 20 years into the past of an alternate universe, suddenly tasked with trailing after different versions of your late husband and close friend as they travel with unfamiliar faces to Egypt, determined to confront the man you now work for.

And in the following days, you discover how easy it was for your sentiments to change.

00

Prologue

1988 || Egypt

“My family back in America has a history of entering politics,” the man with the orange robing concluded after his spiel. His fingernails lightly tapped on the cold stem glass before him. “’S not for me, personally.”

Across from him was his blond, brooding boss— a man far beyond his actual age with an interesting penchant for sadistic activities… if it meant he’d get what he’d expressed a desire for. He was a very persistent man, and though he had only awakened less than five years ago, there was already plenty of time for him to outline his next endeavors. The man in the orange robing did not have much knowledge of his boss’s other deeds or requests, nor did he want to know them.

Except for this one, because he was reportedly going to play a prominent role in its execution. For a new hire, he knew of its impressiveness. It was too early to celebrate, however, as he later discovered that the parameters set for him were quite… particular, and this conversation was supposed to clear a few issues up. This was already confirming that today was going to be a relatively uneventful 24th of November.

His boss let out a hum in content.

“Quite the history your lineage has,” his boss observed, mildly intrigued. “Had I bothered to… ‘survive’ the boat trip to America, perhaps I would have encountered that amusing ancestor of yours someday.”

The man in the orange robing cheekily nodded.

Subsequently, his boss pivoted the conversation.

“Your Stand’s abilities,” his boss reaffirmed with a firm tone of voice. “Last time we conversed you only disclosed a brief overview of them, though I’d like to be enlightened even more.”

“What would you like to focus on?” the man with the orange robing asked in anticipation.

It wasn’t often that he’d have such a thorough conversation on his Stand, Take Five. For years he has benefited from anonymity as he learned and practiced the abilities he was born with and aware of— a slight surprise to his boss, nonetheless. To speak of it so freely is… well, it’s taking a bit of time for him to get used to.

His boss’s sharp golden eyes stayed on him.

“Its limitations.”

Yes, of course.

“…It doesn’t have many restrictions, as far as I know,” the man in the orange robing confessed, pursing his lips afterwards.

His boss let out another hum. “Elaborate.”

The man with the orange robing smirked. “Whatever or whoever travels to a different dimension must have the entirety of their body enclosed between the two objects or surfaces that I choose to use. As I am just about finished with the task you’ve assigned to me, uh… I recently had an encounter with Hollis… Haruo Joestar and his daughter in their home in the previous dimension I visited.”

“Hollis Joestar?” his boss repeated, raising a brow in curiosity. He initially showed no sign of recognition towards the name. That must’ve been that dimension’s one of many descendants of JoJo—  Jonathan… if that dimension’s Jonathan was anything like the one he currently owned the body of.

The alternate dimensions themselves show no restrictions in diversity, as he realized from the man in the orange robing’s accounts the other day. In another dimension, his counterpart was apparently living in modern suburbia with some bastard child of his, left behind by one of his feasts. Imagine him, Dio, being constrained to such a setting! He was connected to a Joestar even then, as a counterpart of Jonathan’s great-great-grandson lived right next door.

The man in the orange robing quickly got rid of that Joestar, per his request. That one didn’t even have a Stand, making the kill effortless. Needless to say, Dio slept soundly that day.

“His wife Sadako Kujo is a jazz pianist, away on tour… his teenage daughter Jitsuko attending school until she decided to ditch,” he sourly clarified, snapping Dio back to  this  account. “Haruo— as he calls himself— tried to fight me with his own Stand as Jitsuko aided in the effort. You know, I don’t think Ms. Sadako would be thrilled to find her decapitated husband and her dismembered daughter left to bleed and rot, upon returning. Haruo and Jitsuko were much too righteous, acting as if following after me would prove something of themselves…”

“As all Joestars are,” Dio mockingly moped, before backtracking. “By any chance, did Hollis have a father named Joseph?”

The name had suddenly clicked.

How could it have escaped his mind? Upon ‘awakening’ near the Canary Islands, he spent the time travelling as he recuperated (gladly with the help of willing candidates). One of his first tasks was to find the outcome of the Joestar lineage— it had been nearly a hundred years since the events on that ship, and surely the country girl that Jonathan ended up marrying would’ve drowned while escaping.

In fact, she did not, much to his dismay. He didn’t know where she was found, but she was found and was pregnant, as she had given birth to a son some months after. That son had married and his wife had given birth to the now-old man that dares to constantly watch him. Of course Dio knew that Joseph was watching him— he had been for some time, now, with the help of his recently-acquired Stand. That old intrusive man had made a name for himself as a real-estate mogul and furthered the lineage with a daughter, who also had a son.

Anyhow, he had been keeping tabs.

Hollis Joestar must have been the counterpart of Joseph’s daughter— goodness, the names were even variations of one another. Likewise, Jitsuko would’ve been the counterpart of her son.

“Uh…” the man with the orange robing trailed off with a pensive expression. “I recall him having a mother named Josephine, if that’s what you mean.”

Of course, the only aspect that was different in that dimension was their sexes. If this holds true, however, Dio would have been a woman. If his counterpart still awakens after a century in the deep depths of the ocean and still feels the need to eliminate the rest of the Joestar family, then at least that dimension was staying relatively faithful to this one.

Though…

“I see,” his boss responded, body staying stiff. “What other limitations are you, at the very least, aware of? For example…you exist in the other dimensions as well, do you not? Your abilities are quite unique, after all…”

“Well, yes, of course, I exist in others too,” the man in the orange robing confirmed as a matter-of-fact. “But I’m the only one that has a Stand, thus I’m the only one who can travel.”

As a young teen, he had accidentally encountered a counterpart of himself while trying out his newly-discovered ability of dimension-hopping. Though, that one showed no sign of being a Stand user. Instead, he was far away, taking no notice of his counterpart’s Stand as he competed in a chess competition with another teen that suspiciously resembled his now-boss. Luckily, he had no interest in meeting that chess-playing counterpart.

He had an inkling that the outcome would’ve been disastrous.

—

[STAND NAME] and [STAND MASTER]

 ???

—

Dio hummed in vague interest now. The man in the orange robing definitely had a peculiar ability. Within a year of possessing his Stand and encountering users that now work for him, he had never seen anything like it before. He was just starting to realize the extent— the wide range of Stand abilities, even with his own recently-realized ability to stop time. Fortunately, the ability of dimension-hopping was being utilized by someone who had the wits to use it to his advantage as he dedicated himself to the mission assigned by his boss, Dio. It was as if the mission was perfectly crafted for a man of his caliber… because it was.

“The task that I’ve assigned to you, I believe, was executed wonderfully.”

Based on the very detailed accounts that the man in the orange robing had been graciously giving to him per day, he was well aware of the man’s success. He should expect to be paid handsomely; he definitely deserved it.

“You should be just about finished visiting the dimensions we’ve targeted, then,” Dio continued. Oh, how much he wanted to gloat! He was already feeling the need to assign him another task. If his dedication to this one was any indication of his loyalty to him, Dio, then surely he’d have the chance to milk him of his abilities. Besides, the man already had his bud of cells implanted in his head, so that chance was for certain.

The man in the orange robing tentatively exhaled, pursing his lips.

At this action, his boss suddenly raised a brow. His back straightened just a smidgen— why had the man exhaled in such a manner? Was he just about finished?

He was, wasn’t he?

Before the flesh bud, Dio had a sudden thought of what would happen if the man had never pledged loyalty to him. There could’ve been a chance that he’d encounter one of the Joestar descendants— Joseph and/or his grandson, maybe— and used his abilities to help them instead of him. He would’ve revealed his abilities to them… he would’ve shown them other dimensions containing their counterparts. The counterparts, after all, typically had similar self-interests amongst each other, as he now remembered another one of the accounts that the man in the orange robing had given him. He was also aware of another ability of his— the one where he’d be able to pull objects or even  people  out of another dimension. Thus, as one of the Joestars here already had intentions of seeking him, then perhaps…

That just wouldn’t do.

After the flesh bud, he made sure to prevent that from happening, let alone by a Joestar that wasn’t even from this damn dimension. He wasn’t really in the mood to personally take care of any other Joestar except the ones from this dimension, the ones he has familiarized himself with.

“I should be, but… um, I digress,” the man in the orange robing announced now, voice tight.

He was feeling guilty. His facial expression was giving those thoughts away— he swore that the dimension with the sex-switched Joestars was the last one— he himself had planned this, as well—  but… there was something about that…

Indeed, Dio was curious about what he was going to say next. At the very least, it would be a nice courtesy to know why he wasn’t finished yet. He was already getting a bit off schedule here.

“…Jonathan Joestar’s great-great-grandson will be having a child in another dimension, and he’s the first counterpart to do so. He served as a surrogate father for his friend’s wife, and only mere hours ago did she discover her pregnancy.”

01

A Promise, Part 1

2011 || Japan

November 25 was when it happened. It hasn’t even been a whole fucking week.

The fact that you were managing to get through studying for final exams with that going on— swimming and flying around your head and its thoughts— was a goddamn miracle. You remembered the few times when your eyes would focus on some nondescript item around you, causing your hand to absentmindedly let go of whatever it held. A few acquaintances innocently approached you, asking if you were alright as you crammed in the library or the dining hall (all on the same day, as after a few hours you desperately needed a change of environment).

Besides those places and the convenience store nearby, you didn’t plan to go out anywhere else in public since it happened. Actually, you didn’t even want to go out and show yourself to all of Tokyo. You didn’t bother to show up to any of your classes today, disrupting your perfect informally-kept record of attendance.

Oh, I understand! Finals’ season is just ridiculous.

Hey, we’re gonna graduate soon, aren’t we? Just need to plow through and the year will be up.

Nah, calm down, no worries.

You’re majoring in engineering! Of course it’s going to be overwhelming as hell.

Shouldn’t you be used to that feeling by now?

You should be used to that feeling.

Actually, you already are. Though, it wasn’t test anxiety or whatnot that was bothering the hell out of you. Well, besides the fact that apparently, you come off as someone ridiculously worried about exams, so much so that no one could really identify any other issues with you…

But it hasn’t even been a whole fucking week. Just yesterday, on November 25.

Friday.

You were barely given enough time to process everything.

You actually weren’t even there when it happened, as that day, you were, well… you were four hours away by plane from Tokyo. Even with the distance, you were still too far and too late.

In no way did you want to spend the hard-earned money you got as a research assistant— which wasn’t much to begin with, but hey, it’s money— on a plane trip. However, nausea was slowly starting to kick in during the days before that, so you had no choice unless you ultimately decided to vomit on the way to or on the train.

Iwami-chō was coastal, located in the western region of Japan, and was where your family home was located. No one was staying there at the moment, but it would be inhabited again if your father traveled home from America, or if you had decided to attend a local university instead. You would normally stop by every few months to tend to the plants around your house or see a few old faces. Your husband was fine with that; he sometimes accompanied you even, when he wasn’t busy.

Yeah...

Your husband.

The first thing you missed was Noriaki Kakyoin’s scent, along with his warmth— physical and/or emotional. Now, you know that probably sounds fucking weird, but you’re already finding it hard to abruptly adjust to the lacked presence after being surrounded by it for a few years. You wouldn’t forget how his embraces felt, how his well-defined arms clad in his usual long sleeves would wrap around you tightly.

Or even in other circumstances, where he’d snake a naked arm around you in bed after sex. He’d pull you to his chest as you both retired for the night, skin still slightly sticky with a thin sheet of sweat on your faces, or cum near your thighs and lower abdomens— both fluids you both tried to clean post-orgasm. Beforehand, though, he always liked to savor the sight of your naked body before he’d help clean everything up and drift off to sleep.

He never hesitated to act so lovingly and genuine to you, even while generally being more on the reserved side. Nor did you ever hesitate to reciprocate those feelings. You remembered when he (abashedly) admitted to you that you were one of the few people that he could genuinely be himself around— this occurred sometime during winter break of your first year at university. That list of trustworthy people to Noriaki wasn’t very long in the first place, he said, and you understood. His past, as he also disclosed to you, definitely had an influence on that. Your heart reached out to him— you knew he was a man that experienced a lot throughout his life. The least you could do was to make him look forward to his future.

Wait.

You’re… getting carried away.

—

What happened yesterday happened at around 4 PM. You were still at Iwami-chō, and… you think you were talking to an old classmate of yours who dropped by. Sitting at the heated low table drinking warm tea, reminiscing about high school before you had moved to Tokyo while she opted for the local university. A small part of you became jealous, nonetheless; you remembered the visits to the vast sand dunes and the coastal inlet a short drive away or the walks to and from school on the pavement near the ocean, whiffing the scent of brine almost daily. Your memories here before leaving for university all came back at once.

Though, you couldn’t remember the events of today so vividly anymore, because upon arriving back to Tokyo late at night, everything that happened earlier was immediately wiped from memory. All you started to remember was what happened the second you arrived. To be so innocent and naïve, speaking with a friend and expecting to return to the small apartment you and your husband both shared later that evening, while said man was getting murdered in said place during that time. There was no doubt that he, too, had the same thoughts on when you’d arrive home before he wasn’t capable of thinking any longer.

…You couldn’t believe it when you found out. There was no fucking way, and yet it still happened…

The neighbors had heard a loud commotion coming from your apartment around that time, first mistaking it as your husband and you having sex (which was strange to think about, but… if you were in a hell of a better mood now, you’d be snickering at that assumption— maybe Noriaki would too as he had a hidden knack for that type of humor). Initially, they were extremely—  and you mean extremely—  pissed off to hear such noises coming from the apartment next door/across the hall, especially as some had children they wanted to protect the ears of. They were just about ready to collectively write complaint letters for the building’s manager on you two.

Though their suspicions became gradually more gruesome as they heard objects break, men yelling, walls banging, floor thudding, and whatnot.

Suddenly, the sound died completely.

It became eerily quiet.

…they didn’t like that at all.

Anyway, it was almost 9 PM when you came home.

You remember collapsing to your knees upon arriving, your kneecaps bluntly coming into contact with the hard flooring. They stung— you remembered, somehow— and the skin covering them probably reddened, but that was the least of your worries.

One could imagine your face when you first saw fucking barricade tape in front of the route to yours and Noriaki’s apartment. At least a billion fucking questions swarmed through your mind, all variations of the same one…

What in the ever-loving fuck happened?

Turns out, your neighbors had been the one to call the police while you were away. Initially calling to complain about the noise coming from the apartment in hopes of some police intervention, there was another reason they decided to call.

The neighbors had reportedly heard three different male voices in the apartment, because maybe the walls were a bit thin in this building. Though, they were aware that a woman lived there too… but why weren’t they hearing her voice? Why were there two more men, also? As far as they knew, one man and one woman lived in the apartment, as they both usually left the building around the same time as the neighbors who were fellow university students, possibly-hungover salarymen, or the mothers taking their children out with her as she did errands.

You weren’t alerted of anything while you were in Iwami-chō, so everything became a nasty surprise for you, increasingly becoming more gruesome as the night went on… increasingly making you in denial. Your train of thought started to shut down, refusing to even acknowledge the circumstances. This wasn’t… this wasn’t what you wanted. Never in your life did you actually want this to happen to you— fuck, no one wanted this type of shit to happen to them— but of course, you were one of the unfortunate ones that night.

Why one of them?

Well…

“Let me see my husband!” you uncharacteristically shrieked, trying to advance to the apartment door and barge through it. Your arms were held back by a police officer who rushed over to you, locking your arms behind your back as you tried to use all the strength you developed over the years to get the  hell out of that strong officer’s hold and see the man you had only just seen this morning.

This morning, like every other morning, Noriaki had his bed-hair— red locks poking out here and there while the voluminous bang hung on the side of his face was unbelievably frizzy. He also had the cases of morning breath and morning wood, which always made you snicker.

This morning, which only happens if he has time, Noriaki offers to cook breakfast. He knows that like him, you usually leave the house at a designated early time for class, grabbing the most convenient food item for your commute from yogurt to pre-sliced fruit. Though, as you had no class today, and you were also traveling back to Iwami-chō for the day, you decided to squeeze in the rare luxury of sitting down to eat breakfast with your husband.

This morning, which he always loves to do, Noriaki plants kisses on your neck and collar bones, everywhere on your face, and on your knuckles. He nuzzles his face into your neck as he wraps his arms around your waist; though, as you’re a little shorter than him, you sort of feel bad by how he has to tilt his head in order for his chin to reach your shoulder. His embraces are usually warm, tight, though this time he’s a little cautious in his hug, knowing that there’s life starting to grow inside you.

This morning, and all mornings, afternoons, and evenings, he tells you he loves you. He can’t wait to be a father. He lightly rubs your lower abdomen; albeit, without any sign of a bump, but he knows there will be one at some point. He wishes you a safe trip to your hometown, wishing that he could go with you, but he can’t. He has class today. He never liked skipping class, despite his close friend opting to do so nearly every day back in high school, as Noriaki recounted.

You understood his wishes, but you knew that he’ll be back for you when you return later. He always was.

He always was, he always was…

But why wasn’t he coming back now?

“Let— me— see— my— husband!” You emphasized even more, now. You didn’t care anymore if anyone nearby found your shrieks jarring. You kept repeating this—  your voice was hoarse, your limbs were getting tired from trying and trying, just hoping you’d get to have even one last look at your husband. It didn’t matter about the state he was in; you barely even considered the chance that there may not even be enough of him left to actually see.

Of course, you fucking sobbed. Your cheeks were damp with tears that just settled on your skin after the rounds of sobs, but even as your eyes stung, you stared at the door. You stared at the door in longing, hoping— just hoping that your husband would be warm-blooded and well, opening the door and sauntering through and over to you. His lean body would be against yours as you both embraced one another, your head resting on his chest.

The front door of yours and Noriaki's apartment opened.

Two body bags were being carried— wait. Fuck, hold on. Why… why were there… two…

Your breath hitched in your throat, limbs freezing in place upon realization.

The other bag contained a body that was quite longer than the other one, as if… as if… no, no, no, fuck no… as if it was meant for a person of uncommonly tall stature.

You were, quite literally, going to have a massive fucking breakdown.

Noriaki wasn’t alone. He wasn’t alone— he wasn’t alone at all. Jotaro was with him— it had to be Jotaro, because who the fuck was as tall as Jotaro here. Jotaro was keeping him company while you were gone for the day… he doesn’t usually have class on this day, either—  oh my fucking God—

The sight of your husband— well, you didn’t really have to see what remained of him to know that it was Noriaki in the other bag— made you queasy. Normally, you could stomach this sort of stuff, but you could zip down that bag if you were permitted to and probably both cry and vomit at the sight.

You didn’t want to believe it.

You didn’t want to believe that Noriaki wasn’t alive, but dead inside a bag and being carried out by gloved and protected individuals. You didn’t want to believe that Jotaro was dead, either. You didn’t want to believe that both of them were murdered at the same time, at the same place. You didn’t want to believe that you’d never see them again…

Your legs felt weak. Hushed conversations and worried whispers from your adult neighbors were all surrounding your ears, but none of their words were distinguishable. You could practically feel the irritation, grief, and impatience radiating off of them. Your eyes didn’t focus on anyone in particular anymore. Law enforcement workers were walking in and out with equipment, and every time you’d see that door open, you’d see varying-sized splatters of blood and broken or fallen furniture through that opening.

Your mind went blank as tears effortlessly flowed down your cheeks.

A lot happened afterwards, but you were pretty much on autopilot for the next few hours.

You wished it was just a mere nightmare.

Yet, you didn’t even sleep that night, rendering that wish useless.

Well, actually, the lack of sleep was common practice for you, as you already had the tendency to stay up late at night just studying or carrying out various projects. Though during these times, you were still able to fit about an hour or two of sleep— it was fine.

This night, however, you actually didn’t sleep.

At all.

Initially, the events you witnessed were replaying over and over again as tears continued to collect, sting, and flow down from your eyes, wetting your pillow and the futon.

Though, eventually, your mind kept rewinding to events that you weren’t bound to forget any time soon.

Fall to Winter, 2008

It was mid-September— the start of the second semester— when you met Noriaki for the first time.

As it was yours and his first year of college, you were both taking an introductory programming class, and by chance ended up sitting next to one another.

By now, you were just about getting used to typical university life— studying, exams, more studying, some use of office hours, more exams, even more studying— with some extra room for clubs, research, and trying not to bawl from stress in your bedroom. As an engineering major, your GEs had much more weight than other majors, so you were frantically trying to keep up with your studies as your high school friends— non-STEM majors now— were going out and not even giving any semblance of a shit about university.

It didn’t help that despite you and your high school friends all coming from Iwami-chō, most of you got into different universities throughout Tokyo. You wouldn’t be able to see everyone else as often due to the distance. Even while cramming, you couldn’t help but feel a bit lonely at times.

That is until Noriaki decided to sit next to you in that programming class. To be fair, he did admit to you later that there weren’t many seats left in the room that day.

Maybe that was a good thing. Whatever those superstitious blog posts you’ve occasionally come across in the past spewed about the existence of fate seemed to come back to memory.

He, too, had felt some inexplicable impulse to sit next to you. Initially, it piqued his interest— he played with the idea of you being like him, but he didn’t mind it any longer as you showed none of the signs.

Anyway, for the first month, neither of you spoke a word to each other. At the very least, you did acknowledge each other’s presence, such as making what-the-fuck side glances at each other when the professor says something out of both of your grasps. It was an oddly comforting coping mechanism to the rigor of the course.

You occasionally glance over at him— his quick hand as he writes notes, or when he puts on his black-framed reading glasses right before class begins. Early on, you did notice the little cherry earrings that he wears, which oddly worked for him. Green seemed to be his favorite color, as different hues of it were often incorporated into his outfits.

Likewise, he notices your fully-focused and pensive expression as you absorb all of the professor’s lecture. He remembered trying to think at one point of just how many oversized flannels you owned, as you wore variations of them a lot— you wearing flannel reminded him a bit of the old grunge fads he remembered seeing in American media as a kid (or, as Noriaki would later joke to you two or three years later, like the other earthy yama girls he’d see around campus), but he doubts you were intending to follow that style so religiously.

One day, however, Noriaki did something that surprised you.

He used some old scratch paper for outlining, but at the top in his  perfect handwriting:

This class is tough  、  right? — Noriaki

He discreetly passes it to you as the professor continues to drone on about the new functions you all had to learn. You’re taking a few notes when you see the paper in your peripheral view, eyes slowly widening. Pausing from writing the next bullet point, you slowly glance from the paper to its sender Noriaki. He was staring back at you with lavender-grey eyes— something you hadn’t really taken the time to notice until now due to his reading glasses, but they were gorgeous.

You wait for the professor to turn to face the screen, which in that case you efficiently take the paper from him. At the top, you saw his words in his handwriting, which frankly made your characters look like shit.

You  do  write back, though:

Definitely! So many functions to learn  。  Syntax is too wordy  。 Headache-inducing  。:( ~  You

You swiftly hand the paper back to him, attempting to make it as unsuspicious as possible. Fortunately, no one really notices, as everyone else around you two is hastily writing down the notes. Anyway, you knew the information would be in the textbook, and you were betting that he probably knew too.

He’s silently snickering at your written response— you see the outer corners of his eyes crinkle as he grins, which was actually really cute— and he’s already writing his own response before handing the paper back to you.

Seriously that man had some nice handwriting.

You were probably blushing already; you lifted the back of your hand to your face as you read his response, feeling the sudden warmth that arose in your cheeks— damnit.

I agree!  (╬ಠ益ಠ)  !!!!!

[LOL]  Anyway what degree are you studying for? — Noriaki

You stifled your giggle at his detailed drawing as you wrote:

Electrical and Electronic Engineering

Yeah I know I’m lame… ~ You

You swore that the professor looked in both yours and Noriaki’s direction right as you were about to give the paper back to him. Though it was merely the glare of light against the middle-aged man’s lenses, and he actually wasn’t looking at you two at all. Slowly exhaling in relief, you hand him the paper, knowing you both were thinking the same thing.

Noriaki’s eyes widened a bit as he wrote another response.

What??? It’s actually cool

I’m pursuing Computer Science  。  I want to do game development one day 。

That’s   lame!!  >:O  — Noriaki

And you both do this for the rest of class, definitely getting noticed by the professor who just decides that it’s really not worth his time to call you both out at that point.

that sounds super cool  、  what are you even talking about? ~ You

You think so?  — Noriaki

Yes!!! ~ You

。

。

。

Hey so I see your name already… my name is Noriaki Kakyoin

You wanna review each other’s code?  

Do you want to be ‘partners’ for the required peer review?

I think it will be really helpful  、  especially since we’re in related majors too

also since we sit next to each other ^_^

You snicker at the first question he wrote and crossed out— due to it sounding more like an innuendo— but you notice at the bottom… wait, oh—

It was his phone number.

Noriaki lets you keep the paper as the class comes to an end, the sound of everyone packing their utensils and whatnot filling the room. He’s going to head to his next class, he says aloud, as you were sliding your notebook inside your backpack, making you realize that that was the first time he had actually spoken to you aloud. His voice had a very warm timbre to it— it was really nice— and you glance up at him.

“Okay,” you responded, smiling at him. “What class?”

He’s lightly fixing the voluminous wavy bang on the side of his face as he answers you. You hadn’t really taken notice of that part of his hair either. Basically, there wasn’t much that you really took the time to observe about him. In the beginning, Noriaki was just the guy that chose to sit next to you in a class, and you didn’t think anymore would come from that.

Yet, it’s as if every feature of his was being thrown at you all at once— his slender body, his defined arms (his slim-fitted sweater was making it so obvious), his angular jawline, his… fuck, don’t look down there.

“Calculus,” he exaggeratedly groaned, snapping you out of your thoughts. Noriaki didn’t seem to notice you eyeing him— well, if he did, he’s definitely not saying anything.

Wait, was he blushing?

You did giggle at his tone of voice, though, as he continued to speak in a relatively calm manner. “I’m here on campus until dinner time. I’ll be exhausted by then.”

“Not doubting that at all,” you cheekily commented. “I wish you luck… Noriaki. Hopefully, you know, our Single Variable Calculus class next won’t kill us before the semester ends.”

You wanted to laugh at his surprise with your words.

—

You met Noriaki’s friend Jotaro Kujo about a month after befriending him.

He wasn’t the most talkative man— something you quickly learned— but you could tell that he and Noriaki were very close. This became more obvious as you realized that it was as if Noriaki could read Jotaro’s thoughts and possible responses to anything he liked or annoyed him, for example.

Of course, Jotaro didn’t like that. Though, as Noriaki explained, it was easy enough to see right through that attitude of his.

On a whim, Noriaki decided to invite both you and Jotaro out to get coffee when you three weren’t busy. You and Noriaki had recently finished working on some coding project together a few days ago— which you both aced— and he thought going out sometime would be a good way to celebrate.

No, not that kind of ‘going out’. Though, you occasionally did play with the idea of you dating him, despite its unlikeliness.

You were certain that he just viewed you as a friend, someone he could rely on while you two were bearing the brunt of heavy workloads. He text-messaged you on his new model of cellphone— a recent birthday gift from his parents— and oftentimes discussed school-related matters. Usually, it was among the lines of clarification for due dates or specific requirements for assignments and projects. Never about anything else. Your relationship with Noriaki was strictly platonic… which was exactly how you tried to convince yourself.

Of course, the ‘what-ifs’ returned when he text-messaged you about something other than… you don’t know, using Swing or complaining about generics. Embarrassment quickly swelled up once you noticed your almost-immediate responses— totally not from surprise because Noriaki asked you to go somewhere with him other than the library— but it slowly dissipated as the conversation went on.

Noriaki: Hey  、  do you want to head out to that café near Rinshinomori Park later?

[Delivered at 16:32]

You: Hi! So you mean the one like 10 mins away from campus?  

[Delivered at 16:32]

Noriaki: Yeah    

[Delivered at 16:32]

You: My friend’s sister runs that café ww but yes sure (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

[Delivered at 16:33]

Noriaki: That’s good!! Also, I didn’t know that ww

And if you don’t mind  、  I’d like to have a good friend of mine come too

He doesn’t like going out too often  Σ(-᷅_-᷄ ๑ )  wwww but I asked him and he actually said yes

Finally  

[Delivered at 16:35]

You: wwwww I don’t mind

Who is it?

[Delivered at 16:36]

“You said the sister of… your friend runs this place?” Noriaki remembered.

You nodded, silently thanking him as he chivalrously held the tempered glass door open for you. “Yeah— the one who swims for Hosei’s swim team.”

As you both had just finished taking an exam for your damned Calculus class today, you two decided to head to the café together. You waved at the owner, a woman only a few years your senior happily waving back as she held a canister of matcha powder.

Your friend, the sibling of the owner, was actually a friend of a friend; regardless, you all were treated the same by the owner as any other paying customer. There had been several occasions where you were invited to meet up with them and the rest of your friends here, though you had only gone about twice during the previous semester due to your cramped schedule.

On the other hand, were you feeling a bit guilty taking up the first chance of going here— by mere coincidence— with Noriaki, despite that? Was this the best time to start feeling conflicted about showing up in the first place?

“Oh, it looks like he showed up already.”

Noriaki tapped your shoulder, cocking his head a bit in the direction of his friend. Snapping out of your guilt-ridden thoughts, your gaze suddenly followed.

There— he was sitting at the back corner of the café with his shoulders hunched over. You could see the long, large white coat that he wore, along with the white cap that had its bill pulled down to cover the top half of his face. His long legs— clad with black slacks— were stretched out under the table, his feet already reaching the back legs of the chair right across from him. From what you could observe based on how his unruly hair stuck out, the back of his hat was ripped. Surely, it was on purpose.

The last time you’d seen that style was… a long time ago— as in, when you guys were barely born— and you couldn’t help but silently snicker to yourself.

He glanced up, smirking at the sight of Noriaki. However, the fact that his red-haired friend brought company finally registered in his mind, and his stare slowly landed on you— the shorter young woman with the oversized coat. You couldn’t tell what color eyes he had, but you swore that his eyes widened for just a moment before narrowing at the sight of you.

Hm.

You already didn’t know what his deal was, because he did not look anywhere near happy to see you.

Trailing behind Noriaki, you both approached the wooden table. You momentarily stood at a distance and snickered as you saw him and his friend do some handshake involving fist-bumps. It was pretty cute, to be honest. Then, glancing over his shoulder, Noriaki gestured over at you and introduced you to his friend. All that was received in response was some eye-blinking and a curt nod, yet you didn’t hesitate to give him a small wave with your hand.

“This is my friend from high-school, Jotaro Kujo,” the red-haired man introduced him as you both situated yourselves. Incidentally, you had to sit right across from Jotaro, while Noriaki sat on your right. “But he goes to Kaiyodai.”

“Oh, really? What’s your degree in?” you suddenly asked Jotaro in surprise, eyes widening.

Due to entrance exams and research for college prep last year, you were familiar with that school’s engineering departments, despite being geared towards marine technology. In fact, you probably would’ve considered going there if you didn’t pass the exam for your current school. Just your luck that Noriaki was friends with another engineer, though—!

“—Marine Biology.”

“…oh.”

That was how you replied after a moment, nodding slowly as you gave him a dumbfounded expression. You were trying your best to hide your disappointment, but you suppose that it was your fault for jumping to conclusions so quickly.

Jotaro grunted in response.

“You don’t sound too happy about that,” he observed, frowning. His voice was a rich baritone, but his tone wasn’t anywhere near warm like Noriaki’s.

You purse your lips, silently cursing to yourself.

Geez, you were really hoping he didn’t pick up on your underwhelmed thoughts, but you probably weren’t making much of an effort to conceal any corresponding emotions. Your thoughts were not connected to the fact that he was doing marine biology— you thought that stuff was pretty cool— but were, admittedly, teetering towards selfishness.

Jotaro’s impression of you, on the other hand, was quickly souring. Were you going to judge him for his choice of degree or something? People being haughty weren’t foreign to him; Noriaki himself displayed such traits on occasion, which usually just made Jotaro roll his eyes. Though, you probably met Noriaki during one of those occasions.

Suddenly, he’s wondering where the hell Noriaki even met you. He’s not in the mood to deal with some woman who looks down on people only because of their university degree. What else would you look down on?

“Um, no, sorry, that’s not— not what I meant to come off as,” you began cautiously, looking directly into his blue-green eyes this time. “I… I know about their engineering departments.”

Jotaro slowly blinks at you, broad shoulders relaxing all of a sudden.

Perhaps you weren’t regarding the wonderful scientific study of marine biology with disdain. Though, that alone didn’t convince Jotaro.

Your brows furrowed, however.

Did you already offend him to the point of being tense? You barely conversed with Noriaki’s friend for ten minutes, and there’s a high chance you’re already on his hit list. Although Noriaki was friends with the both of you, he had been friends with Jotaro for much, much longer than with you. You were sure that he’d prioritize Jotaro’s feelings before yours solely because of that.

Jotaro cleared his throat, ignoring his previous thoughts towards you. “Oh, yeah. Maritime Systems, Marine Electronics & Mechanical, and Logistics & Information. What they do is pretty interesting. I don’t know too much about it, though.”

“Ah, yeah…” You scratched the back of your neck, nervously chuckling. Maybe it was best to put that slip-up behind you. “I’m doing Electrical & Electronics at Tokodai, so I thought… you know, you’d be doing engineering too…”

Jotaro let out a curt hum in response.

He gestured to both you and Noriaki, though the latter was avoiding your eyes. Albeit, he was giving all of your orders to the server who just appeared— Noriaki knew that Jotaro liked espressos like he did, while you told him what you wanted on the train ride here— but he intermittently gave Jotaro a pointed look.

“So you two met at school…”

“Yes,” Noriaki interjected after ordering, hoping to dissipate the tension between you two. He noticed your surprise from being cut off, as you were going to respond initially, though he chose not to comment on it in the event that he’d worsen things. “Yes, we did. We’re partners for our programming class.”

Jotaro slowly nodded, refusing to take his hardened eyes off of you. You lightly tapped your fingers on the table surface, avoiding his stare.

The red-haired man sighed.

He could already tell that, yet again, Jotaro met someone that ruffled his feathers.

“Ah, anyway, um…” he began, eyes darting between you and Jotaro again. Both of you blinked at Noriaki, puzzled by the hesitant expression he suddenly wore. “Eh… Jotaro. You’re… wearing different pants than the ones you usually wear.”

Jotaro absentmindedly picked at the collar of his black turtleneck. He’s suddenly reminded of eating the tagliatelle al ragù that his mother made and dropped off for him earlier, along with the hissed swears he let out when he spilled some of the noodles onto his pants and the rug beneath him.

“I stained my white pants,” he commented with a sour expression, trying to drown out the sudden sound of Noriaki’s snickers. “I haven’t worn these pants in a while.”

“They look a little like the pants from our old school uniform,” Noriaki observed, quickly glancing under the table to take a look. Jotaro gave him a deadpanned look, though he was even less thrilled when you opted to look under too, noticing how he— for some reason— wore two belts patterned with tessellated triangles. “…they’re not from a school uniform set, right?”

He scoffed. “Of course not. My old man bought these pants for me as a gift for Christmas last year— some designer American brand… you know how he is. I’m only wearing them as a last resort… I had them shoved somewhere in the back of my closet.”

“How thoughtful of you,” the redhead sarcastically complimented.

What Jotaro said made you raise a brow, so you decided to speak up. “You celebrate Christmas?”

Now, the black-haired man’s gaze was directed at you once again. Blue-green eyes pierced into your own, staring for a moment as his face had an unreadable expression.

He sighed.

“Yes.”

And that was all he replied to you, though you expected more of an explanation.

You slowly blinked at him, waiting for said elaboration. It never arrived. Both of you were awkwardly staring at each other until Noriaki cleared his throat to speak in Jotaro’s place.

“Jotaro’s mother’s side of the family— including his grandfather— is American,” Noriaki explained to you softly, briefly giving Jotaro a pointed look yet again due to his taciturnity. “Or, well, eh, American, but natively British and Italian—“

While refusing to stop staring— no, he was glaring— at you (what the hell), Jotaro abruptly and monotonously interjected, “—I’m half White.”

Well, that explained a lot. Like how he seemed like he could tower over every male in Japan, or how his face had hints of Eurocentric features, or how he pretty much seemed like he had the genes of a family that could bench press a fucking airplane.

You blinked quickly at him.

“So you must’ve learned English too when you were younger, no?” you inquired curiously. While living in the old, rural part of Japan for the first few years of being in the country, you haven’t really met a lot of native English speakers— not that it bothered you. You suppose that as alumni of a high school in a major metropolitan area, Noriaki and Jotaro would have more exposure to the language.

“Eh… sure,” Jotaro replied, uncharacteristically offhanded. All of a sudden, his glare was nonexistent, nor was he directly focused on you anymore.

Noriaki rolled his eyes. “He basically never paid attention during English class in high school, nor did he actually do the homework.”

Jotaro irritatedly sighed, and you swore a blush crept on his cheeks. Though, if it did, he was lucky that the bill of his hat covered most of it now that he pulled it down lower. “I didn’t need to,” he gruffly insisted. “I can understand English.”

“We’re speaking Japanese right now and we still had to take classes for twelve years,” Noriaki reminded exasperatedly.

The black-haired man grunted, avoiding both Noriaki’s deadpanned face and your own amused one.

Eventually, the coffee meant for the three of you arrived, its aroma wafting in front of you. As time went on— really slowly, you add— you started to observe a pattern as you all drank.

Noriaki spoke the most as you came in a close second, while all that Jotaro offered in your conversations were nods, hums, grunts, or one-word responses. When you would speak, usually to contribute to whatever Noriaki said before, you could notice Jotaro staring you down like a hawk. As if there’d be a time when you’d slip-up again as you talked, Jotaro was looking for yet another reason to dislike you.

And each time he’d done so, Noriaki would be on the brink of glaring back at him in response.

“I’m heading to the toilet,” you told Noriaki later as you began to stand up from your chair. Your coffee mug was only half-full at this point. “It won’t take long.”

“Alright,” he replied, smiling at you. Jotaro’s brows furrowed as you stood up and walked away. You left your coat and small backpack on the seat of the chair.

Turning his head to see where you were headed, which was the hallway to the bathroom, Jotaro whipped his head back to Noriaki. The redhead blinked back at him. He had been meaning to check up on his friend ever since you and him both arrived, because he clearly looked unsettled by your presence. This wasn’t new to Noriaki, however. Jotaro would easily get irritated by meeting new people the second they spoke, though he’d calm down considerably once he became better acquainted with them. It was a long process, but it happened.

All of a sudden, Star Platinum was manifested behind him.

Noriaki gave Jotaro a look of disbelief. This was a first.

Just how much did he dislike you already? He had never gotten his Stand out while meeting people before— which was already a risk by itself— but today of all days, he decides to summon it in a fucking coffee shop. Who knows if they’d end up getting into a quarrel with anyone else like them here?

“Who is that?” Jotaro hissed, using the purple humanoid Stand to double-check, ensuring that you were actually no longer in their proximity. Luckily, no one else in the shop seemed to notice its presence besides him and Noriaki, so that was one less issue to worry about. Star Platinum didn’t go very far— only to the beginning of the hallway— and noticed your absence. You weren’t lying, after all.

The last thing he wanted was for you to return, however, having forgotten something like— he didn’t know, tampons or some shit— and hearing him talk about you. There was also the possibility of you seeing Star Platinum if you returned, though he knew that his and Noriaki’s abilities were rare. Even if you  were  like them— which you weren’t, as Jotaro has already inferred— you’d probably pretend like you weren’t.

That’s what all the others do, anyway.

Noriaki massaged his temples with one hand. “I already told you— it’s the girl from my Java class. We formally met last month, even though we’ve been sitting next to each other since the semester started  and put your fucking Stand away.”

“Yet you invited her to be… with us.” Star Platinum had already faded out of view, though Noriaki craned his neck a bit to make sure.

Jotaro really hadn’t changed one bit since high school. Granted, it hasn’t even been a year since graduation, and the memory of having to wear tailored suits for the event and celebrating afterwards was still fresh in Noriaki’s mind. He knew that Jotaro wasn’t exactly the type of person to completely change his attitude once he got to university.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” the redhead replied, brows creasing. “I like her and—“

Jotaro interjected with a raised brow, “—you like her?”

“I—“ Noriaki abruptly paused, suddenly realizing how that statement began. His face started to heat, color resembling his own hair. “That’s not what I— eh— um…“

His black-haired friend gave him a deadpanned look before rubbing his face with one hand, his hat being slightly pushed up in the process.

“Good grief.”

The redhead abashedly rubbed the back of his neck.

“Look, don’t ‘good grief’ me—“ Noriaki’s face scrunched up a bit, air exhaling through his nostrils as he silently fumed at his slip-up. “That’s… ugh, okay. I don’t want to, um… I don’t want to come off as some desperate loner to her.”

“Have you already?”

Noriaki rolled his eyes.

“No,” he boldly responded before backtracking. “…at least I hope not. I’d die if I already have.”

Another deadpanned look from Jotaro as he sipped his espresso.

“Jotaro, I’ve only known her for about two months,” Noriaki explained, gesturing with both hands on the table beside his now-empty cup. “This is the first time that I’ve done something with her that  isn’t programming-related. I’m surprised she even said ‘yes’.”

Jotaro merely grunted in response, cueing Noriaki to continue speaking.

“I don’t want her to think that I’m… I don’t know, using her or, eh… leading her on purely for the sake of our grades, or… I guess something like that, you know?” he expressed bitterly.

“Noriaki, you just said earlier that you don’t want to come off as some ‘desperate loner’, yet now you’re saying that you don’t want to seem like you’re leading her on,” Jotaro dryly pointed out. “Those two actions don’t sound mutually exclusive, especially since we’re talking about you— self-proclaimed ‘epic gamer’ here…”

He started to trail off as a smirk arose on his face. Noriaki couldn’t help but titter with an amused glint in his eyes, even while he kicked Jotaro in the ankle right under the table.

“Stop it,” he amusedly dismissed.

“I’m serious,” Jotaro continued, vague hints of amusement still in his tone as he reached down to rub his ankle. “I think you should be honest with yourself, particularly about your feelings.”

Noriaki narrowed his eyes at his friend. “You aren’t even honest with your own feelings.”

“We aren’t talking about me here.”

“I’m not the one who always insulted my mom when she gave her goodbye smoochy to you before going to school, even though she knew you really cared—”

“—shut up,” Jotaro interjected, another blush creeping on his cheeks, though he hid his surprise  and embarrassment with a glare. How he managed to forget that he used to walk to school with Noriaki nearly every day— when he didn’t ditch— was a mystery to him. “That’s different.”

“No, it’s not,” Noriaki simply denied. “But… you’re right, though, about being honest about my feelings because— I mean, eh, I… I do like her. I like her very much— I… she’s smart, funny, warm… she seems like the type of person to really care about everyone, and makes everyone feel at ease… you know?”

Jotaro quirked a brow.

Hearing his red-haired friend speak so… fondly about someone was so strange. That lovey-dovey language… who even was Noriaki? Who the hell was Jotaro speaking with? That same Noriaki, the one who bothered to truly befriend only him in high school because of their shared and shamed ability? The one who turned occasionally up his nose at anyone and anything that didn’t meet whatever standards he had? The one who also liked watching baseball games, jammed out to Sting, and played with fruit every time he’d eat it?

Perhaps.

“Huh… you really do like her.”

“…yeah.”

Noriaki was beyond flustered at this point. Though, he guesses he should’ve expected that he’d be the one to change first upon entering university, between the two of them.

“I mean…” the black-haired man continued, leaning back in his chair as he crossed his arms over his broad chest. “I personally don’t know if that’s how I’d describe her— I don’t know her that well. If you see her that way, considering you’ve known each other for a while, well… ah…”

“It’s not weird, is it?” Noriaki suddenly inquired, brows creasing in worry.

Jotaro was caught off guard by his words.

“What? N— no. It’s  not  weird. How the hell is that weird?”

Noriaki backtracked. “No— it’s just… you know. I’ve never… had feelings like this before. I’m not exactly an expert here.”

“Neither am I,” his friend gruffly confessed, absentmindedly playing with a nearby napkin sheet. At least Noriaki was self-aware about his situation, Jotaro thought. “But as I said, I do know you have to be honest with yourself about these kinds of things—“

Another kick in the ankle made Jotaro hiss in pain as he spoke. Noriaki subtly quirked his eyebrows in your direction. He conveniently ignored his friend’s glare and clenched jaw. You had just walked out of the hallway, seeing Jotaro’s head hung a little lower and Noriaki’s warm smile as he folded his arms over his chest.

“Sorry if I took too long,” you apologized as you got yourself seated again. “I was helping this tourist out in the restroom, you know how they are…”

Jotaro lifted his head to eye you yet again.

“No, no, you’re fine,” Noriaki calmly dismissed with a wave of a hand and a smirk. He glanced over at Jotaro again, who resorted to narrowing his eyes at him.

As you settled back into your wooden chair, your eyes slowly traveled from Noriaki to Jotaro, and vice versa. Pursing your lips, you couldn’t help but feel something off all of a sudden. Maybe they met someone they disliked while you were gone? A spilled order? Noriaki’s green utility parka nor Jotaro’s impeccable and long white coat showed any signs of stain. So…

“Ah… did something… happen while I was gone?” you asked cautiously, eyes now darting between the two.

Jotaro merely continued to stare, slowly using his foot to apply pressure on Noriaki’s brown boot. Noriaki pursed his lips, feeling the weight of his black-haired friend’s oxford-clad foot. He knew exactly what Jotaro was thinking… what he wanted him to say, to be specific.

“No— eh, nothing happened,” he hastily responded, quickly lifting a hand to fix his voluminous bang. His hand was starting to tremble; he hoped you didn’t notice his swelling nervousness. “We were just talking.”

After a moment of hesitation, you nodded in response.

You heard Jotaro grunt across from you.

Turning your head to him, you could see that he averted his eyes. He rested his chin on his palm as he propped his elbow up on the table, staring at some indistinct area on the hardwood floor. The indistinct sounds of chatter from the other café occupants filled all of your ears, as the three of you didn’t bother to comment on whatever happened any longer. ‘Just talking’ didn’t cut it for you, if you had to be honest, but you doubt you could figure out what was really going on without potentially making the situation worse. You were sure that it wasn’t any of your business, either.

All of a sudden, you felt as if a breeze had drifted past you. It wasn’t the entrance, however, as you three were all too far from that intermittently-opening door. Your back abruptly started to feel a lot colder, as if you sat directly in front of an open industrial freezer. Though, you didn’t mind it as you chose to speak up again.

“Ah, well…” you began, giving both Noriaki and Jotaro a small smile. “Anyway, uh, about the tourist I was helping out in the restroom. She was very nice— a tourist from Italy, she told me. She was telling me about wanting to bring her uncle Caesar here to Japan, but… he’s quite old, and he’s heard bad stories from his longtime best friend, apparently. So she decided to bring her nephew Bruno— yeah, I know, I see both of your faces. I don’t even know why she bothered to tell me such personal details, what a bizarre woman…”

As the time together went on, there was one thing you had no clue about. Jotaro had manifested Star Platinum with the sole purpose of glaring you down from behind when  he  wasn’t able to.

There was at least one thing you were able to figure out, however.

—

You were certain that Noriaki’s friend didn’t like you very much.

“I’m pretty sure your friend doesn’t like me very much,” you told Noriaki in verbatim afterwards.

You were both walking back to the train station together, where you’d then part ways. At this time, Noriaki already had his own apartment, though he apparently did the apartment-hunting with Jotaro and even took advice from Jotaro’s real-estate tycoon grandfather. On the other hand, you were currently rooming with your old high school friend as it was nearly impossible for you to rent property as a non-citizen. You were a bit embarrassed by your predicament, even if it would eventually be solved in less than two years.

The redhead shook his head, tittering. It seemed like he’s heard those words before.

“No, no, it’s just… give him time to warm up to you. He’s like that to everybody, don’t worry.”

You raised a brow at him.

“Everybody? Even you?” you repeated incredulously. When he merely nodded, your brows creased in confusion. “You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, no, I am,” Noriaki replied as a matter-of-fact. “We didn’t start off on the right foot— he was a bit of an ass in high school, but not so much anymore.”

“How so?” you inquired, before backtracking. “I mean… how was he an ass in high school? I wasn’t, ah… sorry, I didn’t mean that as if I thought he was an ass  now  because he’s not— um, yeah.”

Noriaki chuckled at the sight of you awkwardly rubbing the back of your neck.

You wanted to waste away at this moment. The last thing you wanted was for him to think that you were blatantly insulting his friend, because you weren’t intending to at all. Though, to be fair, he did seem rather unfriendly to you. Maybe he was just shy or something? You couldn’t blame him for something like that. But if he  wasn’t  shy and  was  intentionally acting like that to you, well…

“No, it’s alright,” he calmly dismissed, throwing you off guard. “Jotaro just… has a hard time communicating with people about how he feels. Instead, he sort of just assumes that everyone can easily read his emotions, so he doesn’t feel like he has to make an effort to be expressive… you know?”

Oh.

Nodding slowly, you replied with an ounce of hesitation. This time, you were really trying to be cautious of your words. “So… is that why he acted so… cold?”

He sighed, quickly rubbing his bare hands together. “Yes— but like I said, just, ah… give him time to warm up to you. Jotaro tends to be pretty paranoid about meeting new people— like when he met me— but after spending time together, we’ve become used to each other’s company and became good friends. He’s a really nice person once you get to know him.”

“…I see.”

Maybe he was right, you were thinking. He had been friends with him for a long time so it made sense that he’d know most— if not all— of Jotaro’s idiosyncrasies. Jotaro managed to warm up to Noriaki, and though you didn’t actually know how long that took, it happened regardless. If the redhead was true to his word— which you couldn’t really doubt— you better be prepared for a friendship with the quiet, buff marine biologist-to-be. He’d better be prepared for one with you too: the currently-broke, immigrant engineer-to-be.

You sighed, shoving your hands into your pockets. It was a long day, and after that godawful calculus test and the coffee break with Noriaki and Jotaro, all you wanted now was to return to yours and your friend’s apartment. Maybe your friend was already home, preparing dinner. You practically had the smell of the same food he constantly liked to grill implanted in your senses.

Noriaki, on the other hand, wished that he’d be able to walk with you for longer. He liked your presence. Your perfume smelled quite nice— that was a weird thought— and he enjoyed seeing how expressive your face was when you would talk. Every furrow of the brow when something confused you, how your eyes seemed to gleam like stardust when you spoke of something that you were passionate about, or the pleasing sound of your laugh as you told him weird and/or funny stories.

At some point, he wondered if you noticed how physically close you both had gotten while walking, elbows nearly bumping one another. In fact, you did notice, and it was making you blush.

That time, you avoided meeting Noriaki’s eyes for a moment.

Little did you two know, however, these walks would be happening much more often, to the point where he’d go the opposite route just to walk you back to yours and your friend’s apartment. Most of the time, your friend would already be home and calmly welcomed you back. He and Noriaki would give awkward but courteous nods to one another.

You recalled the time that Noriaki asked what your friend’s deal was, which made you more amused than offended. It occurred to Noriaki that you were, in fact, aware of the subtle awkwardness between him and your friend/roommate.

“I don’t know… he might just not be used to the sight of me being ‘mushy’ with anyone, ‘tis all,” you casually explained during another one of your walks back home with him. “I mean, I was close to him and my other friends in high school, but not close-close like I am with you now, you know?”

Close like you are with him, now.

Hearing you say that only made Noriaki yearn for a future with you even more.

Gradually, you and Noriaki even got physically closer, as you’d frequently bump elbows when walking or knees when sitting or, in your case, hug his arm if a breeze drifted by. Though you questioned his motives for accompanying you a few times, he’d just brush it off and say it wasn’t a big deal.

The man was lucky he got a free train pass as a university student— he’d easily be reserving over half of his expenses over train passes to where you stayed. If that didn’t show any sort of commitment already, you didn’t know what will. All for the sake of accompanying you home.

During one of your all-nighters at home, you leaned back in your desk chair, blankly staring at the ceiling. Your A818 Walkman had long been done playing the playlist you set up. An obscenely long and unfinished block of code was currently on your laptop screen, the cursor continuing to blink next to the string you recently typed. Yet again, you were distracted. With the same thoughts, no less.

It was a no-brainer, but you also knew better than to quickly jump to conclusions. There was a lot of evidence to prove that Noriaki liked you— beyond your initially-planned arrangement of being reviewers for each other’s programs. Though perhaps, you didn’t know, maybe he was just accompanying you home out of courtesy? To be nice? You two were already friends, after all. Best to look out for one another, right? You’d treat him the same too.

However, in less than two months, you came to realize that you were correct in jumping to such a conclusion.

One of the lightly snowy days in December was when Noriaki first kissed you on the apartment’s doorstep after you almost slipped on the station floor earlier… which you were still incredibly embarrassed about. The onlookers, the sadness knowing that your rubber soles weren’t as sturdy as you thought, the fact that you nearly face-planted in front of a man you liked.

Of course, he did have some help from Hierophant Green while catching you, ultimately preventing you from falling face-first. You were practically holding onto his arm for dear life, feeling a firm hold around your own arm and waist. You knew it was from Noriaki, but… was he really that strong? Were his arms longer than you thought, being able to catch and pull you from that distance?

That no longer mattered to you as you kissed him back now, letting your hands gently cup his warm and flushed cheeks. You were melting into his kiss— his lips were really soft— and as insane as it sounded, you were quite ready to lose oxygen if it meant being able to kiss him for an eternity…

The front door opened.

Noriaki’s hold on you tightened just a smidgen. You were equally frozen in your spots, eyes slowly opening and averting to the perpetrator. Both of your lips had already unlocked.

Your friend held the door open, keys in his pocket and a white garbage bag in his other hand. He merely blinked at the two of you, seemingly unsurprised by what he had just walked in on.

“...we live in front of a park. I believe this is the time all the kids go home; it’s a lot quieter outside now. Also, it’s nice with… the trees. Go there.”

As he sauntered towards the stairwell with the rustling bag, you and Noriaki were silent for a few seconds until you both started to laugh.

Hysterically.

Never in a millennium did you two expect to be caught nearly making out in front of your front door, but it happened. At some point you wheezed out an apology as your friend casually returned to the apartment’s door, scolding you specifically for the growing laughter between you two. Hearing him laugh this hard was completely foreign to you, if you had to be honest, but the way he did it was making yours even more unrestrained. You and Noriaki had already resorted to tightly gripping the railing to prevent yourselves from rolling around on the floor.

Written complaints from your neighbors were certainly going to come in within the next few days.

Eventually, you two did calm down, and Noriaki had his arm wrapped around you due to the cold. You rested your head against his chest, feeling his chin on top of your head. Holding the railing was proven redundant, as you both ended up sliding down to sit loosely cross-legged and rest your backs against the railing. Sure, the thought of going back inside to avoid the dropping temperatures sounded nice, but neither of you couldn’t bear to let go of one another within the next few minutes.

At that moment, as he asked you to be his girlfriend— eventually, wife, a few years later— you knew things were going to look up for the both of you.

November 26, 2011

“[Motherfucker],” you grumbled quietly in English.

Your hand was patting around on the floor next to your futon, hoping to find your phone.

The living room you were sleeping in was pitch black due to the blackout curtains that were installed on the windows, so the chances of you grabbing the familiar device were rather low at the moment. You weren’t even in your own living room, which the layout of was drastically different from the one you were currently on the floor of. To think that yours was currently being investigated because of… that.

You felt yourself wanting to heave at the mere thought of it, but like any sensible person, you realize that this isn’t a situation that you can easily avoid. As of yesterday, you became a widow. The circumstances leading up to that were unclear to you— there were at least a trillion questions that continued to swim around your mind, from the why's, to the how's, and to the what’s and yet none of them had connections to anything resembling an answer. You had no idea, and the problem-solver in you was becoming desperate.

…anyway, where the hell was that goddamn phone? You’re pretty sure you’ve already stretched your arm out an entire meter…

Right now you should be back at yours and your husband’s (clean) apartment. You should be on top of the mattress, sleeping in the arms of your (alive) husband. His bodily warmth should be radiating off onto your back. His fingers should be lightly drumming on your abdomen as he starts to enter that next stage of NREM.

You should be in Noriaki’s arms, having your deep conversations about your futures before you both fall asleep like you usually do. Where you both wanted to travel to next, where you both might end up working, and the recent addition of where you both liked to raise a family one day. However, you two never got the chance to decide. You had an inkling of what Noriaki would’ve suggested— a place with many opportunities for you two and your future family, but probably also a place with many attractions to visit. You knew he developed a love for travelling because of his parents, who would bring him to places like Hong Kong or Egypt when he was younger. There’s no doubt that he, too, would’ve passed the love on to the one inside you— the one who currently couldn’t be bigger than a vanilla bean seed.

The universe worked in ways that seemed unfair, and not to mention morbid.

02:16  

It was about time you found your phone.

You silently cursed upon seeing the time, as in a few hours you were going to be preoccupied with tasks you wished you didn’t ever have to do in your lifetime. Lightly drumming your fingers on the device, which now sat on your abdomen, you continued to stare at the white ceiling. You haven’t moved at all since you landed right on the futon. The sight of this ceiling might as well be something you get used to.

Rapidly blinking, you started to take heavy breaths. You felt tears starting to build up again— perhaps this was going to be a new normal for you too.

Your phone continued to sit on your abdomen as you glared at the ceiling.

Before a tear could fall and slide past the outer corners of your eyes, you gripped it tightly. Suddenly, you felt the urge to dial a familiar number and speak with someone, but you doubt anyone was awake right now. You actually had your chance to be on the phone with someone— several people, in fact— as you were bombarded with calls checking up on you earlier. You didn’t have any willpower to phone any of them back until now.

Unlocking your phone, you headed to the Contacts app with the intention to find a specific person. It suddenly dawned on you that you were just thinking of the wrong friends to call— people who wouldn’t bother to stay up late for any other reason besides hanging out at bars or each other’s apartments. That one person; you remembered that they’ve experienced something like this. Granted, it happened to them nearly four years ago outside of Japan, but he was open to speaking about it if asked.

Hopefully he’d sympathize with you, especially at such an early time in the morning here.

You left one hand to gently rest on your lower abdomen as you dialed.

He picked up almost immediately, and your features softened. Preparation for graduate school must’ve been killing him recently, you had no doubt about it. You didn’t see him as often anymore because of his preoccupation with that. Honestly, you weren’t even sure if his exchange program was still ongoing anymore— it’s been that long since you two spoke with one another.

“[Hey! You’re still up? It has to be, like, some time after midnight where you are…]” he greeted you cheerfully in his accented English, though you knew he must’ve been tired out of his mind. His phone must’ve been next to him the entire time as he worked.

Plus, he must’ve been back in Rome, if his response would indicate anything.

So much for visiting him.

Your breath hitched as soon as you heard his voice, however. Maybe this was a bad idea… were you really going to call someone at two in the morning to relate about dead family? Shit, it was too late now. He already picked up the phone and acknowledged you. You weren’t just going to hang up on the guy after phoning him due to your impulsiveness, and not give any sort of explanation. Surely he’d think you’re a dick for being that way to him after a period of no communication with one another.

“…hello?” he innocently trailed off. “Ah…”

Moving your phone’s speaker away from you, you exhaled heavily before moving it back. You had no choice but to dive in.

How bad could this be, anyway?

“[—Doppio… hey, I know this is really abrupt, and you don’t have to answer anything at all, but I just… I wanna ask you something…]”

—

Dimension #16

2011年11月25日

November 25, 2011

花京院典明死去、16：13

1989年8月2日生まれ、22歳

Noriaki Kakyoin died at 4:13 PM   22 years old,  born on August 2, 1989

空条承太郎死去、16：22

1990年1月20日生まれ、21歳

Jotaro Kujo died at 4:22 PM   21 years old,  born on January 20, 1990

--> To Be Continued -->

Link to the Table of Contents

[singleroad]

Hello! SMBC journey starts here

This is my introduction post because... this will be a long journey that will take a few years, but it involves a lot of introspection, choices, and stops along the way.

Short facts:

I'm 30 years old (1992)

Chronically single and queer

A librarian

Planning on TTC in 2026

Primarily want to do IUI but might do IVF

Doing ID-release donor

Longer story

My name is Rebecca, and I'm a 30 year old Swede who realized a long time ago that the only way I wanted to have a child was doing it on my own. There's a lot of reasons why I came to this conclusion was that I never came across anyone that I both felt that I wanted to spend my life with and shared my central ideologies and thoughts on child rearing.

Then, a few years later, I realized that I'm aromantic and asexual (closer to demisexual but not quite)... and that put a damper on things. I realized that the partner I would want was a unicorn! There's a laundry list of things in a partner that would make me feel comfortable with them, and then to have some form of attraction to (which is complicated as an aroace person bc once in a blue moon it kind of happens?) plus all these other things. Through so many dating apps and trying, and introspection of the fact that I am probably not an ideal partner for anyone either. If it happens, it happens, I just doubt it.

After this I spent a few years working with myself. I wanted to be sure I wanted children, if I would be okay with a life without children, how to bring a child to the world in the most ethical way, and how to go about it realistically. I had doubts, because I developed chronic migraines, I had a severe burnout, and was diagnosed with ADHD and autism earlier this year. At first when I was diagnosed I thought becoming a mom was off the table, but after working on myself and finding resources that will work for me, I know I can do it, and I can make these thinsg my strengths. Except the chronic migraines, but I have a very good treatment for that right now and am down to 2-4 migraines a month which is amazing, and I'm trying new medications to get the best combo.

Finally, I decided that this is what I want to do. I had this idea that when I was 33 I would go through it, because 33 seemed like this perfect age. As I'm nearing 31, though, this timeline seems a bit tight. I'm just now graduating, with my second degree, as a librarian, and I'm starting my career in august with severe debt and a horrible credit score. So, you know, need to work on that to provide a stable home for a child. I also need to move to a bigger place.

There's quite a few things I can do prior to all this. I'm building financial and housing security, I'm working on myself and creating healthy and mind boosting routines which will enable me to provide a good mom to my child. There's a lot to work on here, because there always is.

I'm listening to donor concieved children and adopted children and their experiences and desires in all of this. I am aware that there are plenty of donor concieved children who are against what I'm doing, and I do appreciate them, I cannot assume what my future child will/would think about it. I am doing this research because I want to meet the needs my child may have.

I'm doing research on evidence based child rearing, child psychology/physiology and how to best support them through different developmental phases. At some point I will also decide on media policy, which is the thing I'm most undecided on (I'm leaning towards yes pictures on closed social media with curated and known followers and pictures that take the child's current and future dignity in mind, and maybe non-face pictures on open social media after 8 weeks - before 8 weeks all babies basically look the same). So much to think about!

Then finally, financial and housing, as I've touched on before. I have a plan to get mostly debt free before I start the process. My current apartment is small, and I could live in it until the child reaches about 3, but ideally I'd already be living in a bigger place by this point.

The practical

So uh... what am I doing?

I'm planning on doing an IUI with a donor where the ID will be released when the child is 18 (and I'm going to offer to pay for all the DNA services available if that is what my child would want).

There's a few questions I have prior to this about my fertility. This month I'm going to be removing my IUD (if all goes well) and test to see how I do without it. In the autumn I'm going to take a few months to track my cycles with ovulation strips to see if I'm ovulating regularly or not. Then I'm booking an appointment to check my ovarian ducts and to see about my fertility levels like ovarian reserves etc.

I want to know that an IUI is a good choice for me because the pregnancy rate isn't very high, and I have endometriosis. IUI is cheaper, but if I have to spend many cycles going through it... it will get more expensive than IVF. So, I want to go through this as soon as possible so if I need to I can do an egg retrieval before I get "too old". There are more complications as you age, as everyone knows, and doing an egg retrieval earlier may mitigate things like chromosomal abnormalities.

While I know my family is very fertile, this is not a guarantee that I am. Prior gynecological exams have shown that I do have healthy ovaries so... but information is good, IMO.

IUI for my profile, as I know it, has a success rate of up to 15-20% (and after about 3 tries you go to IVF anyway where I'm looking), the higher end being assisted cycles with hormones. IUI does have an increased risk of twins/multiples and this... is not what I'd want. If it happens it does, but there's so many risks and it's way more difficult. IVF has a roughly 50% success rate if you have no known problems, so getting pregnant within 3 tries is highly likely.

3 cyles of IVF excluding donor sperm and medication is €6400

3 cycles of IUI excluding donor sperm and potential medication is €2400

The bonus of IVF: one retrieval round and one donor sample, but each IUI you have to buy donor sperm which can range from €800 to €3000 (highest I've seen), and with IUI you need the more expensive sample (higher sperm count and better motility) whereas with IVF you can get the lower rated. However, there's more medications that can increase the costs of IVF, and possible complications to both me and the fetus (IVF conception for some reason increases risks like heart defects).

This is why you have to take time to decide.

Long story short: this is the start of a multi year process, and this is my journey there

[ladywithoutababy]

Starting Over

I got the call today with the PGS results. The nurse left a voicemail without any information, which seemed weird to me, and when she didn’t answer my return call I texted my husband and told him I was worried she didn’t leave details because it was bad news.

She called me back a half hour later, which was good because I was just sitting there feeling queasy, and told me the following:

We have one mosaic embryo

We have one embryo without any results

We have four abnormal embryos

“Wait, 4 abnormal?” I asked, because I thought I must have heard her wrong – this was not a result that either of us had expected at all. She said “Yeah, I’m sorry” in the genuinely sympathetic tone people reserve mostly for funerals, and I think it was her tone that made me understand. I asked her to repeat everything more slowly so I could write it down, and she said:

Mosaic embryos have some normal cells and some abnormal. They sometimes can implant successfully, but the kind we have has a very low chance. I didn’t write down what was wrong with this one, but the abnormality was on chromosome 16.

We could re-biopsy the embryo that didn’t have any results, but there’s no reason to think it’s genetically normal.

Of the abnormal embryos, 2 have monosomy 16, 1 has monosomy 22, and 1 has both monosomy 17 and trisomy 15.

She didn’t explain what any of this meant (she said that usually the doctor likes to make these calls, but she was busy), so I googled it, and here is what I got based on my very poor understanding of how biology works.

When you make a human, each parent is supposed to give it 23 chromosomes. Sometimes, one of those is missing (resulting in a monosomy on that embryo), and sometimes there’s an extra one (a trisomy). Chromosomal abnormalities can cause birth defects, but more commonly they result in an inability to implant, or a miscarriage after implantation.

According to this chart, somewhere between 60-70% of my embryos should be genetically normal (I am 34). But instead, none of them were.

My emotions when this all sank in:

Vindication that I was not crazy when I was saying we should have gotten pregnant at least once during those 3 years we were trying (I was 31 when we started, mind you! That’s so young it’s barely on the chart!)

Depression and the absolute certainty that I will never be able to have a baby

Rage at everyone who’s ever been able to get pregnant

Rage at my husband for not proposing to me when I was younger

Fear that my husband and I have genes that can’t make a baby together

I immediately started trying to decide if we’d be willing to try an egg donor or a sperm donor, if it turned out that one of us was the cause of the abnormalities. I got really sad about raising a baby that isn’t mine, or isn’t his. (I don’t mean to say something negative about people who get pregnant in this way. It’s just something I haven’t had to think about before.)

I left work early after sitting through a few meetings somehow not crying or yelling at anyone, and came home and we sat on the couch and talked about it. We both agreed we felt like crying but didn’t really want to start crying. We took turns saying what feelings we’re having. He didn’t give me a straight answer when I asked if he would be willing to use a sperm donor. He gave me a big hug. Our dog took turns comforting each of us. My sister called. I texted some women who’ve been through IVF, who made me feel slightly better. But it was really hard not to sink into the dark place I was during IUI, where everything felt so pointless.

I think I mostly felt stupid for being so optimistic about IVF, like I should have known it wouldn’t work for us. I told my husband that I feel like my greatest fear came true. (I’ve always felt, since I was a teenager, that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. I’ve since realized that most girls feel this way. But most don’t turn out to be right!)

My doctor just called and was very nice. I told her it was good timing because we’d been crying for a couple hours but had decided to try to be optimistic (because what else can you do??), and she said “That’s ok, we’re crying over here too.” She said that we got fewer eggs than she was hoping from the retrieval, but then when everything was so great after that (All the eggs were fertilized! Almost all of those became blastocysts! You usually lose 50% of them at that stage!), she was surprised and disappointed by the results. She very patiently answered all of my questions. Here’s what she said:

Most chromosomal abnormalities (90%) are egg-related, not sperm-related.

It is not the case that my husband and I have genes that can’t make a baby together.

It’s a little weird that 3 of our embryos had an abnormality on chromosome 16. This could be a sign that one or both of us are a carrier for something. She thinks it’s unlikely, but thinks it’s a good idea for us to get our blood tested just in case.

The % of abnormal embryos you get in a cycle is “totally random”. She feels confident that this was just a “bad batch” and that there’s a good chance we get totally different results next time.

It’s all a numbers game, and even if I have more abnormal eggs than the average woman my age, the more times we do IVF, the higher chance we have of ending up with the one or two good embryos we need.

So. We will go in this weekend and get our blood tested. Then, a week before I get my next period (in ~3 weeks), I will go get an estrogen patch. (She said that like so many other things, this hasn’t been proven to do anything, but it might. I am pretty tired of hearing that, but I’m also not going to turn it down.) 

And then. We will do IVF again. We are going to get through it like we got through the first one. We’ve gotten good at doing shots. I know I won’t have any crazy reactions to the hormones, and I know I can survive the anesthesia for the transfer. We will continue not making any big plans (no house hunting, no second dog, no vacations). We will focus on this, and maybe it will work. If it doesn’t work, we will do it again.

But let’s stay optimistic.

[diaryofchristinet-blog]

Struggling To Conceive.

5 years. That’s how long my husband Austin and I have been trying to conceive. 5 years of unprotected sex. 5 fricken years. We knew early on we wanted to be parents. We so desperately want to hear the laughter filling the house, the tiny footsteps running down the hallway, and the sweet I love you’s. We knew we were made for this. To raise a little tiny human to one day change the world and make it a better place. As time went on these sweet dreams were replaced with sadness and disappointment.

A human can only take so much,but how do you know when enough is enough. About a year or two into our journey I began to think something was not right. I would often think “Why isn’t this happening? Why am I not pregnant?” These thoughts were reoccurring, however I just brushed it off as “maybe it’s just not our time”. I let another 6 months go by before I finally convinced myself to go to the doctor and search for my “why”. Looking back now I feel so sad for how blind and unprepared I was.

My first few visits with my OBGYN I learned a lot about my body. Things I never would have even known. I quickly learn that I have PCOS,which looking back explains so much. I have never had a normal period. They would be long and would drag on for 3-4 weeks. I also learned that I do not ovulate correctly, which I NEVER would have known if it wasn’t for my doctor educating me. It’s amazing how unknowingly blind you can be. The biggest thing I learned in those first few appointments though was a word I wish I would have never heard. INFERTILITY.

Infertility is a scary word. Some people are lucky to have a meaning behind it while others have no explanation as to why. So, with our new found term Austin and I set out on the next steps to start our dream. Our first stop being Clomid. Clomid is a lovely drug to help woman ovulate, however the toll it can take on your body can be rough. Mood swings, heat flashes, burst of anger. I was lucky enough just have mild mood swings and not much else. Was on clomid for awhile and during this time I would go in for vaginal ultrasounds (which was beyond uncomfortable) to measure my follicles. I did this two-three times. Things took a turn though when Provera was introduced to our journey.

First and foremost let me be completely clear about our friend Provera. PROVERA IS THE DEVIL’S DRUG. I absolutely HATE everything about this drug. Ive been lucky enough to not have cramps with my normal period, but when my doctor put me in Provera to “regulate” me that change. I experienced the worst cramps I have ever had in my life. The “stick a fork in my utures and twist as hard as you can” type of pain. And the bleeding was horrific. It got to the point where I would bleed through 10 pads an hour. It would have been beneficial for me just to sit in the bathtub at that point. The only thing it did do for me was shorten my period. My doctor had me take this devils drug for 2-4 months along with the Clomid and unfortunately no luck. So. We moved on to our next step.

Austin and I knew right away that we did not want to pursue IVF. Its unbelievably expensive and all the shots and hormones is insane. So at this point out option was an IUI. Still expensive but not as bad I suppose as IVF. For us the IUI would be 700-800 a month (they typically have you plan for 6 months I believe?). Now I learned if it doesn’t take the first time your chances of conception goes up by 20%. We talked to our doctor and decided to move forward. We got the IUI scheduled and I want in for yet another vaginal ultrasound to prepare. About three days or so my husband decided this may not be the best route so we canceled. And we were back at square one.

We took a break at this time. The disappointment was getting to be a lot. Month after month I would feel defeated when I would see the little bit of red on the toliet paper. It reached a point where for whatever reason I didn’t get a period at all. So I go to my doctor and she decided to send me to get a D&C done. Essentially this means I had to go and get my utures scrapped. One benefit to doing this was when they inject dye into your utures it also “blows out” your tubes of anything that may be blocking. It will also show if your tubes are blocked. But let me tell you what an uncomfortable experience this was. Your in a hospital gown on this bed where they will do an X-ray, the insert a catheter in to your utures and inflate it like a balloon. Then they tell you to shimmy your ass to the end of the table while this thing is in you causing uncomfortable pressure. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS!? The then go in and scrapped. And let me tell you how fricken painful that was. When all is said and done they send you home and wait for the results.

My tubes we not blocked. I feel like I take two steps forward and a hundred back. We still have no real explanation as to why I can not get pregnant. We decided to take a break yet again and reevaluate our situation. Time passes and I decided to go on birth control to regulate my period. I stayed on it for 6 months as my doctor recommended, and then stopped taking it. We decided it was time to try again.

This bring us to present day. A week ago i took three pregnancy test. I was 18 days past on my period and I wasn’t feeling any symptoms of it coming. So I decided why the hell not. So I got a test. I figured it’d be a long shot, but when I looked at it there were two line. Positive. “There is no way in hell”. So. I go and get two more. I take one the next morning and then one that night. Positive. To say I was in shock was an understatement. The joy I felt seeing those positive test was a joy I have never felt. I call my doctor the next day and go and take a blood test. A day later I get the call. There were false positives. I was not in any way pregnant. The catastrophic disappointment I felt was unbearable. I was done. I can’t do this anymore. I have given up.

My infertility sister I see you. I feel your pain. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[0nein8]

IUI Day

IUI day was on 08-17-19 and the procedure happened around ~9 am with complications 😔

A little background:

1. I used to work in an OBGYN office and I know the surgical tools they used to assist with procedures.

2. My cervix/uterus was perforated last December because my cervix is unusually long, curved like a “V” and it was my usual RE that performed my surgery. Her statistics stand as 2 perforations out of 500 hysteroscopy cases- so I am apart or that VERY small statistic thanks to my abnormal anatomy. 😒

3. Last IUI was done by a covering doctor. Actually, the initial appointment was with my regular RE. The ultrasound follow up was done by the covering doctor. And the actual IUI procedure was also done by the covering same doctor— more about this as you read...

So my regular RE asked if the covering doctor had any issues doing the IUI since my cervix is irregular. I said no... and well. It turns out that the covering doctor PROBABLY didn’t do an IUI. She probably did a ICI- intracervical inseminarion. I definitely felt the difference- when she pushed the syringe, I felt a cold sensation on my Fallopian tubes- similar to what I felt during the HSG tear. After the IUI this time, nothing came out. (Sorry TMI).

So at first attempt, my RE tried to put the catheter in and ended up telling the medial assistant to run out and get an abdominal probe to do an ultrasound. She could not get through my cervix! She says, “I need the ‘tenac’” and this the tenaculum. An instrument that holds the cervix open... 😖😖😖 An instrument I used to cringe handing over to the OBGYN years ago... so when she asked for this, I thought, MUTHER F@*KER this is going to SUCK!!! It hurt so much trying to get the catheter through, I started bleeding, crying, shaking, and I felt light headed. So they decided to give me a break and have me drink my bladder to fill it so they can visualize better.

So after 20 mins, they came back in the room and my RE explained to us what she was seeing in the ultrasound. She says, “Here is where I am, this is the cervix, as you can see it’s a V... instead of a straight line. So I have to bend it down and push it up to get to the uterus.” She apologized for the pain; but really wanted to do it right otherwise we prepped for nothing! She finally got the catheter to go through the second time around. And no tenaculum was needed... *phew.

I can tell the sensations I felt were different compared to last time and even I could tell she was in my uterus. I think all the cramping I documented last time was just from the covering doctor trying to get in my cervix.

I wish the covering doctor would’ve told me she did an ICI instead of an IUI. 😑 I imagine in all of her experience she HAD to know she was NOT in the uterus!!!

Oh well. At least it was done right this time. Now on to the two week wait.