#but I sucked it up (bc I’m doing this for him and for love and not for me) and dug it back out and held it up in front of a mirror to look a
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If you want to, could you somehow do something like Ian Hecox x daughter reader that is just fluff ?
Daddy Ian || Ian Hecox & daughter!reader
⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚ masterlist • smosh masterlist ⋆˚。⋆୨୧⋆
summary: ian introduces his daughter to the smosh cast
word count: 829
warnings: none
a/n: i absolutely can! dad!ian is so important to me 🥹 this is just pure fluff and smosh cast being smosh cast. i imagine the reader to be in high school just bc of like timing and stuff. enjoy 💌
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“Hooligans, my daughter. Daughter, hooligans.”
Your dad gestured between you and the group of people standing in front of you. You waved at them.
“Hey, I’m (Y/n), it’s nice to meet all of you,” you said politely.
Your dad had finally decided to give you a tour of the Smosh studios where he did his job and you had been more than eager to meet his coworkers and see how things worked.
“(Y/n), this is Damien, Angela, Chanse, Arasha, and Tommy,” Ian told you, pointing at everyone. “Oh, and that’s Trevor I guess.”
The guy who must’ve been Trevor threw up his arms in surrender. You giggled.
“So, you’re the famous (Y/n) Hecox that Ian never shuts up about,” Tommy said.
“My dad’s told me so many things about all of you,” you said. “Which one of you jumped over a car?”
“Oh I like her,” Chanse said, turning to Ian. “You’ve taught her well.”
“Well I had to,” your dad spoke to you, throwing an arm around your shoulder playfully. “Since she doesn’t watch our videos.”
“Don’t feel bad, I don’t either,” Angela said conspiratorially out of the side of her mouth.
“Dad, I watched that one, remember?” You said.
“Beef ‘n Go doesn’t count,” Ian corrected.
“What’s Beef ‘n Go?” Arasha asked.
“Tell you later,” Damien answered her.
“It’s so cool seeing where you guys film,” you said, looking around. “I’ve never been in a real studio before.”
“Hear that? She thinks I’m cool,” Ian mock whispered to his friends.
“Ok, that’s not what I said,” you corrected.
“Well that’s how I heard it.” Ian shrugged.
“Your hearing’s also probably not what it used to be, am I right?” Trevor said, the mischievous grin on his face melting as Ian raised an eyebrow at him. “I-I mean, you’re in your prime, Ian. Sir. Boss.”
“Suck up,” Tommy coughed into her shoulder, earning a laugh from Damien and Arasha.
“Suck up? Title of yo—” Angela started.
“Angela,” Chanse chided, glancing at you, stopping her from saying whatever she was about to say.
“Yeah dude, not in front of my daughter,” Ian said to Angela.
It was fun, seeing your dad and his friends all talk and banter like this. You had only known them outside of Ian’s stories for a few minutes but you could already tell how close they all were. You could see why Ian loved his job so much.
“And, hey, getting sucked up to is just one of the perks of being the president of the company,” Ian crossed his arms, taking on a cocky look. “I’m kind of a big deal.”
“Is he always this annoying at work?” You asked them.
“(Y/n),” Ian scolded, as his coworkers laughed. “I could ground you for that.”
The room was silent a moment, everyone sharing glances of disbelief.
“Yeah that didn’t sound right to me either,” Ian finally broke the silence. “I’m too cool of a dad for that.”
“Again with this?” You groaned.
“It’s an undeniable fact. Oh—I should tell them about the time I danced to Baby Got Back at your birthday party,” Ian elbowed you.
“I still have nightmares about it,” you shivered dramatically.
“Hey! Your old man’s still got some moves.”
Ian demonstrated this by dancing awkwardly as you rolled your eyes at him. He eventually stopped, clutching his side, muttering about pulling something.
You covered your mouth to hide your laughter. Ian put his hands on his hips.
“Ok, do you want me to give you the tour or not?” Ian asked. “Because I’ll take you home if—”
“Yes, yes I definitely do,” you said, making your face serious now.
“Let’s go,” Ian said, leading you away from the rest of the group. “First stop: my office. I wanna show you how big my desk is. Did I tell you that I run this whole company? ”
“This is why no one sits with him at lunch,” you heard Arasha tell the others as you walked away.
You waved at them, saying goodbye as Ian lead you deeper into the building.
“They all seem really nice,” you said when you and your dad were out of earshot.
“Yeah, wait until you work with them for years,” Ian joked, putting on an exaggerated British accent. “They’re terrible, really. Absolutely dreadful.”
“Ok, Simon Cowell,” you teased. “I can tell you love them.”
“Not as much as I love my daughter,” Ian said, placing a hand around your shoulder.
“Love you too dad,” you responded.
“No need to sound too enthusiastic,” Ian clutched his chest in mock offense.
“Too enthusiastic. Ways to describe your Sir Mix A Lot choreography.”
“Anthony said I could throw it back!” Ian protested.
You giggled. “Uncle Anthony’s your best friend so he has to say that. But I can be honest.”
Ian shook his head at you lovingly, ruffling your hair. “Oh yeah? And why’s that?”
You beamed up at him.
“Because I’m your daughter.”
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ˋ°•*⁀➷ hope u liked this love! more fics coming out soon xx
#ian hecox#ian hecox x reader#ian hecox x daughter!reader#smosh#smosh fanfiction#smosh imagine#fanfiction#fanfic#reader insert#x reader
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OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.
#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter.#he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point.#and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!!#hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do!#the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into-#one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT.#but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb.#I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time.#and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances.#and doesn’t want to hear any excuse.#but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment.#NOW. CHAPTER 17.#UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN#Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC.#IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!!#BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong’#WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM.#(NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.)#and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through.#despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up.#like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him.#that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying.#just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner.#IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD.#and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore.#he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had.#and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT.#<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but.#eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind.#I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags
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How did you first get into Nier? And who is your favorite character(s) in each game?
was over at a friend’s house early summer in 2016 and they asked “do you want to play a game about a hot single dad” and that’s how it all started.
my favs are dad nier, yonah, weiss, a2, and 6o :) here is a bad picture of my dad nier shrine on my bookshelf
#if you (reader of this post) make dad nier merch link it to me i’ll buy it#loneask#majorminer4567#post tags. i really have complicated feelings for nier series now unfortunately where i’m kind of divorced from it#because dad nier is my favorite character ever it really sucks to see him totally ignored. Especially bc i shilled hardcore for nier-#-pre automata. like my reward for liking nier for a long time is my favorite character being erased from the world#on top of other reasons i don’t want to get into. i still love the original nier though and that’ll never change#But my brain is permanently in like march 2017 right when automata came out. I dont think about the after#i really do love dad nier so very much. he will probably be my favorite character forever.#if you fansplain the situation behind dad nier’s creation youre just getting blocked like yeha i know. It doesnt change the fact that -#i love him and a LOT of other people who supported yt before he blew up did too. It really just hurts.
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More like rad-b-gone lol
#I love that you can see me back off to dodge his grab before I’m like oh wait I can just bonk him lol#thank you radagon for being the only boss I could see myself doing hitless#except my dodge rate for his stomp/poke combo is like 5%#so it’s only feasible if he doesn’t do that move…#oh and the “nothing personnel kid” teleport and fast smash can also suck it#him the crucible knights and the bell bearing hunter are the only enemies I’ve learned to consistently parry in ER 😮💨#I tried learning malenia’s parries but her damage is so overtuned it str8 up was not worth the risk and effort 🥴#radagon definitely isn’t the most fun boss in Elden ring but I think he’s like the most fair out of every single one#which is why it’s gr8 that all my goodwill gets toss out the window with Elden beast 🥴#I had one moment where he did Elden stars chase attack the triple closing rings and then sword swipes#and got absolutely annihilated bc I could not dodge all 3 attacks at once#like attack RNG has always been part of the difficulty in these games but with my limited knowledge this is the first one where#(( outside of gank fights ))#the RNG difficulty slider goes from manageable all the way to full health to death#had one round with malenia where she used waterfowl blade SIX TIMES and I only managed to survive bc I was playing around with a mage build#and was letting bby tiche do most of the damage while I pulled aggro from far away enough that I could dodge WFB comfortably#can you tell I’ve only ever done double godskins with both NPC summons and tears#I’ve heard enough about that fights bullshit that I straight up trivialize it every time I get it to it#Elden ring truly is the most difficult and easiest fromsoft game to date… dialectic 🥳#excited to see how they balance things in the DLC bc honestly outside of WFB malenia really is a fun boss#I don’t mind that her normal attacks are so punishing bc dodging around them or knocking her out of certain attacks feels gr8#so if bosses are malenia level TUNED without WFB level BULLSHIT I can see myself getting really into it 🥳#tsuchi plays games
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FAVORITE GAME EVER :DDDDD
#6#Minecraft Story Mode#to celebrate I drew my favorite funny scene in the episode#With my two faves :))))#I finally got a good Jesse design down I think#Wanted something that was still kinda true to her but with a short hairstyle and a little gnc#Like it a lot hopefully I’ll draw them more#And Lukas I need to get better at him#Not used to not having his goggles cover up his hairline so he looks a little strange to me#But I’m glad the chest covered the top of his head bc idk how that would’ve looked#He looks cute tho#They both do#god nine years… of this game#I got into it in summer 2016 so for me it’s been like 8 years but still#I owe this game so much#It’s why I’m on tumblr why I draw why I like voice acting why I like writing like the list goes on forever#And it’s lost media now 🥲#A lot of my fave things have become lost media now it freaking sucks#But I’m still here appreciating them and many others are too so I have hope in that#ANYWAY NOT TO BE SAPPY um Jesse Petra Olivia Lukas Axel Ivor Reuben Isa Harper Ellegaard Gabriel fave S1 characters#Witherstorm Aiden Cassie PAMA and Hadrian/Mevia pls leave#Fave S1 track is honestly probably 103 credits 106 credits or Harper’s Lab#ANYWAY I’m rambling um FAVORITE GAME IN EXISTENCE I LOVE YOUUUUUU
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i don’t even know if we caught walrusman adventurezone’s name but i absolutely adore this concept for a villain and henchperson duo. walruses eat shrimp and im imagining like. that’s literally what was happening and then they both got transformed
#the adventure zone#like ‘i can’t eat him NOW. he’s half human! i do have morals’ but that predator dynamic is still there which is how he keeps his authority#hoping for kind of a dread pirate roberts vibe tbh#‘good night krilliam. sleep well. i’ll probably eat you in the morning’#the fandom wiki is no help lol because like. on one hand it did just come out today but on the other hand#that website has not been consistently updated since like. partway through ethersea#one of these days i tell myself i’m going to take notes while i relistening to old campaigns and try to fix it up#i genuinely don’t know if most people have moved to another site bc fandom.com sucks. or if the listenership has just dropped that harshly#i rly have been enjoying this so far. i feel like i’ve mostly just seen people knee-jerking and like. expecting the worst#it’s a pastiche. and they’re clearly having fun with it#i always love when they have guest VAs too#mine#taz
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i need to do exposure therapy with purgatory i think the fandom experience at the time instilled the unpleasant dread and despair i still feel whenever i think about the event
#though it was also . the event itself’s fault . lol#and the miserable experience it was to watch them play from 7 pm to 5 am every single day for two weeks my time#and yes a lot of my unpleasant feelings towards purg come from my own ass being hyperfixated on the serv/etoiles#to a point where i struggled to Not watch . which made the feelings worse yknow#also like it kinda sucked for everyone it also sucked as an etoiles viewer . man was constantly stuck between the#‘i can’t fight like i want to bc people will complain that im too strong and it’s unfair nor can i Not fight bc people will complain that#i’m going easy on people/not invested in the team’ . and he was right people shit on him either way#like the event marked him in the ‘damned if i do damned if i don’t’ department so much that he still uses purgatory as an example today#and then he joined purg2……. babey girl ur hyperfixation is hurting u….. i actually enjoyed purg2 more tho so idc as much LOL#purg2 was better bc it was an event u actually willingly joined and it included people not from the main server so it wasn’t stuck in#fucking ‘is this lore or a pvp competition’ limbo#anw yeah even though i dislike purgatory overall bc it rly did shitall other than make people angry for two weeks (on ur server thats#supposed to be about uniting cultures . they all spoke in primarily english for two weeks bc the competition model that purg was#was just not built for short distance discussions…. lord)#there’s still some cool stuff that came out of it . my fave highlights r bloodhounds and nice cogs i love them#when i feel stronger i will comb through the vods to write up the relevant stuff for the etoiles miraheze page i just . am still not strong#enough . the detox must be slow and steady#jay rambles#also i am going to bed now i should have been asleep ages ago
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Day off. Waiting for the vet to call back again. We might take Ollie in just to have them feel around his tummy, and also to discuss another medication that might help with discomfort, just until we can get a couple other issues under control. Then we’re going to make a plan for surgery.
#it sucks#i am trying to make sure that i’m being realistic and not being selfish#he’s 18-ish and i don’t really want to have to do it#like obviously that’s a lot for an older cat#but i also can’t justify giving up#bc he’s such a happy grumpy little guy and he has so much life left in him#and when he’s not having the issues#he’s got things that make him happy#it’s not like he’s just sitting there miserable#he loves to watch the birdies and squirrelies and buggies#and he loves to eat#especially treat time#and he loves me and cuddling#ugh this just is really fucking hard
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it’s actually so fucked up and evil that random white npcs from bg3 that show up twice got more dedicated fans than Wyll
#racist fans will do anything to avoid actually engaging with a black character#like. no offense to normal people who like some of the fun npcs#there’s a lot of them! I love all the detail put into the npcs!#but.#HUGE but#it’s weird right that there was more fandom about background guys than one of the major characters#and then people would go ‘ohhh but wyll doesn’t rly have any content :/‘#like guy who’s there for like 3 scenes max could possibly ever have more depth than A MAJOR CHARACTER#I’m not even excusing it as oohhhh but people want hot tiefling characters bc WYLL#I will defend Wyll to the death#if there’s no Wyll defenders I have died#if Wyll has a million fans I’m one of them. if Wyll has 5 fans I’m one of them. if Wyll has 1 fan that 1 is me.#like yeahhhhg Larian did him dirty with his storyline and fucked up that he was hours less content than other origin characters#I’m not excusing that that’s awful too#but like. idk if you say Wyll is boring while hyping up white npc no.324 I’ll kill you#he’s funnyyyy and cool and kind and I like him#.doc#what everrrrr#I’m hoping the bg3 has calmed down a little I don’t wish to be crucified for this but it shouldn’t be a controversial opinion#boring bg3 fans would throw up if they’d see the shit I think about these characters#Larian let me have a go I’ve got good ideas for his story#sucks that Wylls arc revolves so much around other people#I still think it would have been soo interesting to explore his ideals/alignment leading him astray like his misconceptions about karlach#like a whole if he belives what he’s doing is for good but it’s not where does that leave him how would he feel about that#whateverrrrrr#wyll my best friend wyll#my beloved
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You actually aren’t allowed to use the Tim Drake Has Issues or Tim Drake Needs A Hug or Tim Drake Is Not Okay or the Bad Parents Jack & Janet Drake tags until you read my 270 issue reading list. Sorry
#212 is Robin I + Robin II + Robin III + Robin 1993 + Yost Red Robin btw#And then 55 is young justice. and then 1 more is to the father i never knew <- necessary so people actually understand what tim’s#relationship with his dad is.#And then two more is the batgirl half of fresh blood.#I don’t even think u need to read all of this to get him like the miniseries give u the same deal as the Dixon run minus steph#And like some of the Robin run sucks (Willingham 🩷)#And if you understand you understand you know. however some people do not understand#but SERIOUSLY. i need everyone to be normal about Janet. and I need everyone to be correct about how jack sucks instead of making things up#and I need everyone to understand what his ACTUAL issues are bc i do love his issues#and I need everyone to read Red Robin w the full knowledge that he’s the most unreliable narrator of all time#Like seriously read the dick and tim argument okay. Tim is lashing out!!!! Dick did not say that (u know what I’m talking abt.)#ALSO BE NORMAL ABOUT DAMIAN!!!! and Steph!!! and cass!!!!#I’m so sorry my annoyed factor has gone up exponentially since getting into dc.#esha.txt#tim#dc#shut up about tim. what about KON EL HAS ISSUES. HUH. WHAT ABOUT THAT.
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I’m out of town for a couple of days for my brother’s chess tournament and the internet in this hotel sucks butts and I only brought one book with me 😓
#sucks butts IN A BAD WAY#this is the same hotel that held the last couple of big chess tournaments my brother entered#so I’ve been here a few times but this is the first time I’m actually renting a room instead of driving back and forth each day#so positive: got a room and don’t have to drive a bunch. negative: no continental breakfast 😒#they have a little tiny starbucks but no free breakfast which is bullshit!#also all of my books are stilled packed up from moving bc I’m lazy so I couldn’t grabbed any one I really wanted to read#but I did get a free copy of Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ the other day so I brought that#and yeah I am kinda pumped to peruse that. Mr King is a pretty cool dude and I def want his writing tips#but also… I just kinda would rather read something about a fucked up wizard or something ya know?#anyway I always feel weird or annoying saying this but if you want to send me any asks or anything to help pass my time then by all means#or not. it’s cool. really. I hate bugging people and I hate coming off as desperate & needy outside of the bedroom#im going to be mushy and say im kind of excited to spend the night sleepover style with my little bro here#he’s getting older and it���s getting harder to convince him to hang out with me#love this little dude so gosh darn much#oh man what if we get a pizza and watch a movie together? would that be cool? is that something teenagers like to do with their older bros?#i’m so lame#being like 18 years older than your younger brother means you get to fulfill your cool uncle/dad vibes without actually having kids#ok I have to stop myself from filling this with tags about wishing I was a dad or being whatever#what was I saying before?… did I even have a point?#oh yeah… bad internet… only one book… I’m hungry… yeah…#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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do u ever speak too soon & immediately regret it.
#yes this is about the trade that just happened three minutes ago#clown shoes of prophecy in the tumblr tags#no i am not Doing Well#I THOUGHT I WAS GODDAMN SAFE FROM THE BRUINS#to be deleted but i am literally resisting the urge to screech like a feral animal in the gym right now i am being soooooo normal#WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME PERSONALLY SPECIFICALLY I’M GOING TO CRY INTO A HOLE I CAN’T DO THIS NARRATIVE IT’S ONLY DYLAN LEFT YOU TOOK HIM#i have to pretend to be normal :) i have to take an exam :) and function as a human being :) instead of crouching like a bug on the floor#and then i will come home and open up the notes app i made two (?) years ago that says ‘if tyler bertuzzi ever gets traded it’s-’#& everyone will be suffering with me. sorry not sorry for the influx of sad bertuzzi posts that are coming like i have Such a relationship#with him as a player &i know he’s the worst but also it really sucks to watch every guy you thought was the core of ur team get traded away#purely narratively speaking in all bemoaning etc etc etc except for the part where we don’t have a gritty net front presence now &#who’s gonna be larks & lucas’ winger & i just cried about tyler in a fight the other day because mickey said ‘i’m sure he wants to protect#those hands but sometimes you can’t you gotta do it for the boys’ & i think mickey said ‘they’ as in the team wants him to not hurt his hand#again but he has to fight & if that isn’t also v much a part of the old gods detroit it was always tyler champion of blood & guts & giving#& regardless of hockey (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT WAS FOR DRAFT PICKS I HATE DRAFT PICKS WHAT ARE U GONNA DO WITH THOSE like at least if#it’s for a guy i could maybe learn to love him but you never remember who you traded to get those draft picks unless it’s narratively r#relevant later but right now it feels like it’s for nothing & i don’t want to learn to love some new guy in five years i miss tyler already)#anyway. ik full well this won’t cause me to actually finish tyler borzoituzzi bc i haven’t even properly started it but i can dream of spite
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one of the craziest feelings ever is picking a project back up that you started hardcore losing motivation for a while ago but then as soon as you get it back out and see how good it’s looking even just part of the way done you become obsessed with it again. like oh my god. I made this? I’m MAKING this. and imagining how awesome it’s gonna be all finished? better than drugs
#eve's thoughts#i remembered the other day that my bf’s birthday is in about two weeks and I never finished his blanket before christmas#(that I started in late april 😭 and evidently got bored of)#so I wanted to try and get that done before his birthday but I was like mmm… I don’t really wanna work on that tho I’m tired of it…#but I sucked it up (bc I’m doing this for him and for love and not for me) and dug it back out and held it up in front of a mirror to look a#t#and it was like someone gave me smelling salts and a shot in the arm at the same time bro I was like OH. ???#my neural pathways started firing again lol
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logging back in just bc this is my only private diary
#random rant#tw for everything#god I think there is something deeply wrong with me worse than ever now I’m questioning my own self and worth and sometimes morals#I’m on a break from the guy I’m seeing#and I told a mutual friend about it#he’s the one who asked for the break even tho I don’t so that shit#deep down I kind of wanted it so why am I so wrecked over it#I hate airing my dirty laundry out to people uninvolved in said relationship#hate talking about trouble in paradise kind of shit but I told her the bad things he does to me#and I felt so guilty bc I got this weird intrusive thought#that as if im planning this sabotage tactic ? when I’m not all this isn’t my intention whatsoever#I just said the truth. and the thought was like ‘ok at least now I have established with a third party a reason if I need to abandon him in#the future’ what the fuck?? I’m not like this. I’m not apathetic I’m not using him why did I get that thought#he’s said some of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard fo me#ends up regretting it and says he didn’t mean it.#in reality I feel like I’m just trying to protect myself#I felt so pathetic having her listen to me tear up while talking#god put us on this earth to punish each other I’m having my Normal People arc#is this a form of self harm why do I do this to myself and to him too#I love him? I’m even thinking about relapsing into using and drinking but it’s not stemming from a coping need I just miss feeling carefree#and numb and momentarily happy almost#I only told him a few issues I have but not the bigger ones and I’m already feeling like as if he uses them against me in arguments#I want to get back into therapy but I can’t I have no access or resources this sucks ass#thinking of asking my pharmacist if I can get my antidepressants otc but I went off them bc the side effects were unbearable and I just#genuinely felt better for once as if I progressed but this is undoing so much of my hard hard work#and what’s funny he doesn’t even realise or see any of these things affecting me so horribly#I feel so insane I feel like a socio I want to be normal I want to be healthy I want to be happy and actually have it last#can’t sleep
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ‘reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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