#We’re working on getting me disability so I can be on my mom’s insurance

[polyamoryprincess]

fuck it’s 3am and I can’t get my wheezing under control and I’m tempted to use my nebulizer but it’s loud af 🙃 I’m tempted to wait until my mom leaves for work but that’s in like 3 and a half hours

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to move back in with my family?

The lead up to this is a bit long, but I feel like the context is necessary. After my first year of college, my (then20, FTM) father (40s, M) was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and could not work anymore. He also could not be left to his own devices, so I had to take time off school and come home to watch him and my younger sibling (then 11NB) while my mother (40s F) would work. That sucked for multiple reasons, including being responsible for all the asshole bullshit he’s pulled (when I say asshole, I mean it. He used to fake - by his own admission - epileptic seizures to get out of doing the most minor chores or exercises recommended by his doctors), my mothers violent transphobia (to the point of driving me to a mental breakdown when I asked about starting HRT) and emotional abuse towards myself and my sib. She never believed my complaints about my father and was convinced I was being lazy and irresponsible with his care. In addition to that, they moved to this area after I started college, so I was in a completely unfamiliar (and not particularly queer friendly) place, socially isolated, and so on and so forth. This shit sucked. I was promised I’d be able to go back after one semester, but after a few months it has been made painfully clear to me that this is not an option. Then COVID happened, and next year my college was fully remote. This way I was able to complete my sophomore year online. I was finally released for junior year and have not come back home since with the exception of one short-term visit, when my mother went abroad to visit our extended family. (We’re immigrants.)

I graduated this year. When I started my job search, I was planning to stay in the area and applied to jobs accordingly, with the exception of one position advertised by my college. This one would be in a major city very close to my family, so I’d be able to live with them. I was idiot enough to mention that to my mother. The gig didn’t pan out, so I settled on staying where I am and continued to search for a job, a place to live, and so on. I secured a place to live recently and was again dumb enough to share that with my mother. (Yes, I have a pattern. I’m working on it. ) The next day, my sib contacts me and asks if I could come live with them. Sib got into a really good high school with a focus on a field of study they want to go into for a career and have a real knack for. It’s kinda far from where they live right now, but they found an apartment much closer to it. Rent is a lot higher than they can afford, though. My mother lost her job when she refused to get vaccinated nearly a year ago (she used to work in healthcare), and since then she hasn’t been officially employed. She’s been getting by with instacart and my father’s disability payments.

If I lived with them and found a job there, they’d definitely be able to afford rent. Moving there, while undesirable, is not out of the realm of possibility, and my mother has been a lot better about treating me like a person and not being transphobic. Not perfect, but better. They also would not be living with dad because mom is at the end of her rope with him and is looking into a nursing home his insurance would cover. I would also be saving up money by living with them, I’d definitely have reliable health insurance, a roof over my head and so on and so forth. My personal autonomy, personal space, and most likely mental health would be absolutely out the window. I’m still traumatized by these 2 years I spent with them. Not to mention nearly complete social isolation. I wouldn’t even be able to see my boyfriend properly, there would be about 8 hrs’ worth of a drive between us.

So. Will I be the asshole if I leave my family to struggle on their own? I already sacrificed a lot for their sake. I don’t know that I can keep doing that to myself.

What are these acronyms?

[mathsbian]

This country (the US) hates poor people so fucking much. Not even just the corporations and credit companies! The fucking government!

My partner got a ticket for something stupid like a parking violation years ago. Apparently, they had a court date for that ticket, but they didn’t know about it because the summons for the hearing got sent to an address they hadn’t lived at in five years. The court responded by suspending their driver’s license. And sent that notice to the same bad address. So they didn’t know still.

Two summers ago, we ran out of gas downtown outside the main bus terminal. We walked a mile down the road together to get a gallon of gas, and walked back. When we got back, there was a cop working on calling in a tow for what looked like an abandoned vehicle. When we walked up, he asked if the truck was ours and who had been driving. He ran the plates and my partner’s license even though we hadn’t done anything illegal afaik (maybe walking away from a car that’s out of gas that’s still in the road, even if there’s nowhere to push the car to get it out of the way, is illegal? I don’t know). He walked back over and asked my partner if they were aware their license was suspended. My partner said no. The cop let us go without writing a ticket or confiscating my partner’s license, but insisted I had to be the one to drive home on my expired driver’s license. I’m disabled and don’t feel safe driving a car so that drive home was pretty stressful.

A month or so later we were driving to their parents’ houses a couple counties away to visit their family. We realized on the way down that their truck’s taillights were out and hoped we’d make it before dark. We did not. Two different state troopers pulled us over less than five miles apart. The first one wrote a ticket, confiscated my partner’s license, and made me take over driving again. Part of the ticket was because my partner didn’t have car insurance, because car insurance is really expensive and we’re barely scraping by each month as it is. Driving in the dark is even more difficult for me, so I was already on my way to panicking when the second state trooper pulled us over. We showed him the ticket we had just gotten and he let us go, but that was the first time I have ever been pulled over while driving and my license was expired and I was sure we’d be getting arrested. So even more panicky as we pulled back onto the highway and got to my partner’s mom’s house.

After that ticket, my partner got summoned to court again. It wasn’t for months, and it was a couple of counties away, but not in the county their parents live in. They ended up driving us home, driving to work for the time til the court date, driving us to the store, and driving us back to their mom’s the day before court. We went well before dark this time so we wouldn’t get stopped for the taillights again. Their mom helped get their insurance renewed and took them to court. The court said they could go ahead and renew their license in their county of residence when they got home, and that as long as they kept paying their insurance, there wouldn’t be any more problems. A review of their case was set for January of this year.

In December, they got let go from their job because the company owner realized he was expanding too fast and started making cuts everywhere.

They went in for the review on the appointed date, and all that happened was they were informed they owe the court like SEVEN HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS, after adding up the amounts they were fined, the court fees, and the additional fine for missing court the first time even though there was no way for them to show up to that because they didn’t know they’d been summoned to court. It’s due by June 8. There’s no way we can save up for that by then.

Today? They got a letter saying their license is suspended again for driving while it was suspended two years ago. Even though they were told to renew their license at the last court date, and that there wouldn’t be any problems if they paid their insurance. They aren’t allowed to renew it now until July, with the stipulation that it will stay suspended if they don’t pay off their court dues. So, in this society that has been built to revolve around the personal car, my partner is license-less, has to somehow find a job within walking distance, and then somehow save more money than we’ve ever had saved just to get their license back. And then renewing it will cost another goddamn $40.

I have no clue what we’re supposed to do anymore. They tried applying for unemployment but now it uses ID.me to verify your identity and for whatever reason they couldn’t get their identity verified. Now I’m wondering if it’s because their license got suspended again and we didn’t find out til long after that attempt.

Fucking. FUCK!!! And this is all not even addressing my massive credit card debt that I can’t make payments on because I have no income whatsoever. I’m still fucking waiting on my SSDI decision from my hearing in December. It’s supposed to be arriving soon but who knows how long it will take to get through the mail.

Like how are we supposed to go to the store? My partner can walk there but I don’t know if I can even make it that far, and we get so many groceries at once that we often can’t bring them into the house in one trip, just coming from the trunk of my car. I can’t carry that much AND walk all that way, especially after walking to the store and around the store. Walking around the store often wipes me out on its own.

It’s so fucking expensive being poor already, and it doesn’t help when the government decides to fine you a bunch of money and take your license til you pay.

[saintbuffy]

✨ donation post ✨

Help your local disabled, bisexual power couple out!

Hi all. Asking for assistance because things have been really hard lately. My fiancé CJ and I were hit with two ER bills recently. He received chemical burns to both eyes, and I had an asthma attack that led to several expensive tests because I’m a high risk for blood clots. Thankfully, don’t have blood clots now but I do have a very expensive bill.

We also have a problem with the water/electricity in our mobile home that is causing our bill to be really high. Our landlord sucks of course so we’re trying to work it out, but we will probably still be hit with a high bill this month.

We are planning a honeymoon in July and have not been able to save for it due to bills, rent, groceries, gas for him because he commutes an hour to work and back every day, and prescriptions and therapy for my illnesses and disabilities that aren’t covered by insurance. My parents don’t help and his mom can’t afford to help.

I really want to be able to have a decent honeymoon, especially since this is my second marriage. My first was with a man who emotionally and sexually abused me. He groomed me when I was 17 and he was 27/28. We married when I was barely 21. I was financially dependent on him but was finally able to get out with the help of friends at 23.

Now, over three years later, I want to marry the true love of my life, a person who has treated me with so much kindness and care. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and i want the rest of my life to be with him.

I am willing to give tarot readings for $5 or $10, I can help edit your writing, or if you have another small request that I can refill, I will. Literally any dollar helps.

My Venmo is @MaraDP. My PayPal is marapq. I can also give you my Honeyfund if you DM me.

All donations will go towards paying off our medical bills and saving for a decent honeymoon.

Thank you!!

[chromantlks]

UPDATE TO THIS: we were able to get a loan to hold us out until my mom gets paid, but money is still incredibly helpful, and until things are better for us these are still open and I’m willing to be even more lenient with prices because anything counts especially since we’re gonna have to pay this off now. Thanks for the current support guys.

———————

Hi guys, this is a little different than the posts I normally make. I wouldn’t ask for something like this unless it was absolutely necessary, but I’m doing some emergency commissions. Here’s the situation:

I live with my parents, and all three of us are disabled. My mom specifically relies on medical assistance at any given point of the day, and is often hooked up to machines here at home. We’ve always struggled with money due to my father being unable to work, my lack of identification (you guessed it, from having no money to purchase a public ID), and both of us were denied social security which we are currently reviewing and reapplying, but we’re talking another year here until we have even a GLIMPSE of if we’d MAYBE get accepted. So, we live on about $1300 a month. There’s more the the situation but I’m trying to name everything relevant, because here’s the problem.

My mom recently had three operations, resulting in two toe amputations on her foot affected by CRPS, so the fact she’s healthy and survived is already such a fucking relief. But to cover medical costs (lost insurance), we’ve lost the ability to pay for the electricity. It’s $400, but I think they’d accept a little over half for the rest of the month, and my mom gets her disability check around the beginning of the month. My dad and I can live without electricity for two weeks, this isn’t a new thing we’ve had to do, but my mom has a wound vacuum attached to her at all times from the amputations, and it has to be charged. I just. Don’t see how we could get through two weeks without electricity, it’s just not doable this time.

I’d need money upfront, but I’m willing to work with you, we just really need at least $250 by the end of Thursday. Anything helps, and even just reblogging or sharing support would be plenty and I’m already so grateful and feel shitty putting a post like this out. Best ways to contact me are discord (chromantiks) or here if you’re interested. Thanks if you’ve read this far.

[hashtag-anthems]

I hate living in late-stage capitalism as a disabled person.

[tepid-tea]

LIFE UPDATE!!!

Yes here we are, a life update. I don’t know if there are many of you who read these but I like to post these here to get shit off my chest. No one in my day to day follow me here  (If you do, I’m SO Fucking sorry LOL turn away while you can my tumblr is not meant for you guys) so I feel okay with posting here.  So for a recap, I have been battling my extended medical company since before Christmas of last year. They did not want to approve my paid short term leave claim due to mental health issues.... I mean my first rep was like “ Yeah I acknowledge that you are struggling but I don’t think it should be our problem, go make a workers comp claim” and declined it. I appealed it and it’s been taking so long that I had to go back to work before I even felt ready because I had burned through nearly all of my savings. Luckily my family has been super supportive so I was able to eat at their house and use nearly all of my money for utilities, bills and rent ( though my mom covered my rent one month without telling me and I cried extensively over it feeling like a failure when I found out). The health insurance people just made it feel like since I wasn’t physically harming myself yet that my issues were somehow not real or important. 

So after several Doctor evaluations, phone interviews with Appeals ( different department than the first one), evals from mental health support groups, medication trials and such I finally got my answer on Thursday. 

They Approved my Appeal! 

They appologized over how long it took to get approved and over how awful the first person I spoke too was.  They’re approving short term as well as Long term disability which means under the same claim I could in theory go back off work. I could focus on getting a therapist near by and try to get myself feeling back together.... to maybe feel less like I’m being held together by string and old glue. To address my depression and low moods along with getting a better handle on my anxiety which is fucking RAMPENT. 

I just have to talk with my new Case worker and HR (which their assholeary is a whole other fucking post in itself) to get my owed money sorted out (which is looking like roughly 4 months worth of back pay) then seeing if I can get off again. If I can’t go on long term leave then I’ll probably close the file and Quit my job since I can’t deal with it anymore. Since I’ve been back its awful.... I’ve been burning through my vacation and sick days because I just can’t handle it. 

Regardless though, its been an awful experience over all and now we’re seeing the end. Maybe I can finally catch a breath and a break.

[troglobite]

friend of mine of 16 years is.....really, truly testing my limits. 

we’ve been talking more lately which is nice

but the problem is

she lives in france and has this vibrant social life

and hasn’t been wearing masks. anywhere. at all. that i have seen.

meanwhile for the last week or 10 days or so, she’s been sick. like terribly sick. “hacking up a lung” as she put it, and it included a temporary eye infection. she also had bloodwork done that has a. Troubling value on it. that still hasn’t been addressed.

she had covid earlier this year. 

and she has, she said, tested negative for covid this time. so it could be an early flu. 

but. 

regardless.

here’s what she’s done while sick (i didn’t even know she WAS sick until she TOLD me)

gone for runs, gone out to MULTIPLE restaurants with MULTIPLE people, gone to cafes, museums, and gone to a concert.

without a mask.

i literally just told her last night to take care of herself bc esp w the concerning level she got on her bloodwork, covid can have wreaked havoc in her system--and this ~minor virus~ can be anything but minor. any sickness can cause permanent lifelong disability, but ESPECIALLY now that she’s had covid before. i told her she should get some rest and take it easy.

so today she went to a cafe, multiple museums, and a concert, and then also went shopping. 

meanwhile she told me “don’t worry, i’ll listen to you!”

and says she’ll have plenty of time to relax.......this week. 

i’m exhausted. and seriously losing patience.

i just. am struggling to stomach this kind of behavior. 

we literally talked on zoom a few times and i told her--i don’t have a life. I DON’T HAVE A LIFE. I DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

and she says

“don’t worry abt it, you’re not missing anything”

REALLY?

LIKE THE MUSEUMS, AND WALKS, AND INTERNATIONAL TRIPS (bc oh yeah she went to GREECE with a girl she’s dating!), AND CONCERTS, AND FANCY RESTAURANTS, AND FUN OUTINGS WITH FRIENDS???

I’M NOT MISSING ANYTHING????

fuck off SO HARD.

i’m just.

i’ve literally told her my new diagnoses. i’ve told her i’m struggling w meds. i’ve told her how sick w worry and stress i’ve been abt my mom having had covid (who also tested negative again yesterday w another pcr--which she only took bc now we’re vaguely worried abt the possibility that i have it--my test results still haven’t come back yet bc we had to do walgreens instead of health insurance which i just lost)

i just--when i said i was worried abt my mom and long covid, she tactlessly told me abt a friend of hers who’d had it and was asymptomatic, and now was having scary health problems bc of long covid.

i didn’t ask anything because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

and despite ALL OF THAT

she is GOING IN PUBLIC, WITHOUT A MASK, WHILE ACTIVELY SICK

i’m just. i can’t understand or deal with this. and it’s taking all of my patience and ability to disconnect to be able to continue talking with her. like at this point i’m going to ASK if she was masking, if she’s feeling better, if she got any meds, if everyone else has been able to avoid catching whatever she has

i just

HOW CAN YOU BE THIS FUCKING THOUGHTLESS?!

it’s not like she went to WORK sick (which she ALSO did) just bc she HAD to, right? like capitalism, i get it. (except france has better laws around that and better pay so i’m sure she could’ve missed ONE day....)

like she is CHOOSING. to GO OUT. NEEDLESSLY.

WITH FRIENDS

WITHOUT A FUCKING MASK

and i’m worried abt her in addition to being so fucking EXHAUSTED. like do i even emotionally feel anger and fury? no. i’m tired.

i’m exhausted. i’m talking to someone who actively doesn’t care abt me and other people like me. who claims she loves me and is one of my best friends and has been for 16 years.

and that’s just impossible to reconcile.

and idek if it’s worth mentioning.

what’s super fucked up is that her dad just got done w cancer treatment. they caught it early, it sounds like he fared well, and he was declared cancer free last month. 

but when she was there in august to visit her parents...

she went to a massive family wedding.

where NO ONE wore a mask.

and i’m like

YOU ARE LITERALLY STAYING WITH YOUR DAD WHO IS STILL IN CHEMO

AND YOU DIDN’T WEAR A *FUCKING* MASK!??!?!?!

how can you say you’re worried abt him and want to protect him and make sure he’s okay AND THEN PUT HIM AT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY RISK LIKE THAT?!

like THAT could’ve KILLED HIM.

and i just can’t wrap my fucking head around it. 

i don’t want to completely cut this off but i’m just. having to put up these walls and barriers. 

i’m just. tired and frustrated. i’m just so fucking exhausted.

like.

the last time we talked on zoom she said she wanted me to be more open and honest abt shit that’s hard--bc part of masking and most of my longer friendships is that i don’t share anything. i’m not honest abt that stuff, i don’t like talking abt it.

well. i tried.

and she sucked at responding. 

and i don’t mean that she responded in a way i didn’t like.

i mean she just sucked at it.

as in

me trying to talk abt a thing that’s hard and i’m really struggling

her response?

“that sucks. well, i don’t know both sides. but if you need me i’m here!”

....that’s what. i--i’m literally. i need you. i’m talking to you. YOU ARE THERE, SO DO/SAY SOMETHING??? AND STOP INSINUATING THAT I’M WRONG OR MY FEELINGS ARE WRONG????

or the best

“lemme know if you want to talk!”

THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT I’M DOING???? RIGHT NOW???? WHAT THE FUCK???????

meanwhile w her situation w her ex gf (who i hate--met her once, she was overdramatic and fatphobic and honestly i’ve been side-eyeing her abt that, and also turns out she’s extremely emotionally manipulative, so thank god she’s fucking gone) i had been listening and replying in-depth for WEEKS.

listening as she cried. supporting and validating her. asking if she wanted my perspective. offering it couched in distant language and being understanding and offering like, perspective without telling her what to do. supporting and reiterating her own decisions.

we have to talk via instagram dm bc international shit, and i fucking typed all that shit on my phone in IG messages--hundreds of words. each time.

and she’s doing better! she listened and did what she needed to do, and she thanked me, and it didn’t fix anything, but it helped. as far as i can tell. and she sought me out for that. 

but i do the same w her and i can’t even get 10% of whatever her version of that would be. 

and i’m not saying

“wow i invested all this into your mental health, why can’t you invest in mine?”

i’m not expecting a miracle. i know i haven’t shared w her before. i know she’s having to figure it out.

but when someone reaches out to you. and is struggling. and you ASKED THEM TO DO THIS.

you cannot reply

“lemme know if you need to talk! i’m here for you!”

and then NOTHING ELSE

and expect that to be okay! 

i’m just really disappointed in her.

she’s always claimed i’m so important to her, like a sibling, a best friend. and it’s true insofar as--we can go a year without talking and then pick up and it’s like nothing ever changed. which is fine!

but i’m just. now thinking maybe it’s better like that. 

bc i can’t emotionally or mentally deal with the kind of person she is when she makes these choices that are directly contributing to a culture that means i literally cannot leave my fucking house.

i was talking to her abt my job difficulties and she gave me this boomer advice

i said the place i wanted to apply wasn’t hiring anymore--she said, send in your application anyway. 

i just LOOKED at her. like what fucking universe do you live in??? the 1960s??? what the FUCK?

it was just absolutely bizarre. 

idfk man. it’s weird and unpleasant and i don’t appreciate how she’s saying one thing to my face and then she and her friends are going out and playing russian roulette w their lives and ours and they don’t give a fucking shit

it’s exhausting

honestly this is how most ppl i’ve known irl are behaving lately. it just stings more when i’m actively trying to maintain a close relationship w someone i’ve known 16 years and talking abt how the pandemic is affecting me and my life--

and she directly makes choices that make it even harder for me.

it’s just. i’m fucking tired.

like she sent me all these msgs all excited abt the concert, the museum, the cafe date, the new art supplies that she went shopping for.

and i just.

i can’t be excited with you. bc you did all of those things and you might’ve ended up killing someone or disabling them for life. bc you went out while sick and contagious with an unknown virus. in the middle of a mass disabling pandemic. that has lowered everyone’s immunity and damaged countless organs, including the brain.

and i’m just. 

tired. i’m fucking tired. 

[dbnightingale24]

Make Me Better

Chapter 5

~~

Hi, it’s me! Sorry for the delay in posting, it’s just been a crazy few days/weeks/months. Anyway, a new chapter is finally here! I’m not even gonna try to give you all a timeline of when the new chapter for anything will be out, cause I probably won’t be able to keep up with it! Just know that I’ll try to have more chapters posted soon! I hope you all enjoy it!

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of abortion, Angst, Emotional Cheating, Arguing/Debating, Fluff...I think that’s it?

Word Count: 3543

I do not give consent to have my stories/works posted anywhere else. Also, I do not condone cheating, this is meant for entertainment only. 

~~

“Mom, just calm down. She’s fine,” Sarah sighed, as she repeated herself for what had to be the sixth time.

“If she’s fine, why is she taking secret trips?!”

“Because she wanted to see me. Leave it alone and don’t start bothering her.”

“She can’t just up and leave to see you whenever she wants, Sarah. What if the President-”

“She’s already met him. We’re all-”

“You let her meet him?! With THAT crazy hairstyle?! I’ve raised two crazy people! Sarah-”

“Oh my GOD! Would you just chill out?!” Sarah snapped, rubbing her temples. “She’s fine, she just needed a break. Her hair is great, she’s great, and she’ll be back home in time for school.”

“Fine.”

“Don’t start texting her and reprimanding her, or asking a ton of questions. I mean it.”

“I am the parent in this situation, ya know? Wait till your Father hears about this.”

“He’ll be fine. Both of you just need to relax. Did I send enough money?”

“Yeah, we were able to cover most of it on our own, so we bought groceries with what was left. Your father is on the phone now with the insurance company, asking about his disability checks. Hopefully, that will finally be cleared up,” her mother sighed.

“Everything will be fine, okay? Just take a deep breath, take a shot, and the both of you can enjoy having the house to yourself for a while, okay?”

“Yeah, I love you.”

“I love you too, mom. I gotta go,” Sarah smiled before hanging up.

“How angry is she with me?” Tara asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“She’ll get over it. You know how she is, it’s just the stress talking,” she yawned. “Order whatever you want to eat, I’ve gotta...who the hell keeps texting you?” Sarah questioned.

“Tyler. I broke up with him,” Tara shrugged as if it was no big deal.

“What?”

“He asked why mom was texting him about where I am and I told him I left to come and see you. He started going on about how I should’ve told him and he would’ve come with me, and so on. I told him that I didn’t want him to come  because he’s been a real dick lately, which just started another argument. Finally, I told him not to worry about it because we’re done. He can be with someone who isn’t so stressful.”

“Tara...are you sure you’re gonna be okay by yourself? I can tell them-”

“I’ll be fine, just come back at some point,” she laughed softly.

“If you can wait about 2 and a half hours, we’ll get dinner together. Sound good?”

“I can’t wait,” she beamed.

“Okay, I love you. Call or text me if you need me, okay?” Sarah asked before kissing her on her forehead. Tara simply nodded. “Okay, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Sarah raced down the hall to the elevator and went up two floors, before getting out and running to the Presidential Suite. When she finally got in, it looked like Super Tuesday all over again.

“President Rogers, for the millionth time, you don’t want to bring up-”

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want to bring up!” Steve snapped at Bruce.

“What the hell is going on?” Sarah whispered to Bucky, taking a seat next to him.

“Steve’s not hearing what he wants to hear,” Bucky sighed, running his hand through his hair. He was clearly exhausted. “How’s your sister? Why didn’t you bring her up with you?”

“She’s alright. Well, as well as can be expected. I didn’t think you all would be okay with it.”

“It’s perfectly fine, let her know she can come up if she wants to. If she wants to see all the work it takes to make him presentable to the country,” he chuckled.

“I can fucking hear you,” Steve snapped, shooting a glare at Bucky.

“Okay, everyone just calm down and take a deep breath,” Sarah interjected, sending her sister a quick text to come to the room she was in, before putting her phone away. “The speech isn’t until tomorrow night. We have time to get this right.”

“It’s already right!”

“I give up!” Bruce huffed, throwing his papers in the air and walking to the other side of the room.

Steve was thoughtful for a beat before he finally spoke. “What do you think of it?” he asked Sarah, as her sister timidly made her way in, sitting at the elegant dinner table.

“You don’t want my opinion,” Sarah scoffed.

“Obviously I do, that’s why I asked.”

“The speech is trash, Steve.”

“What-”

“Stop talking like you’re running for re-election. You are the President. Speak like one. You’re recycling bits of your old campaign speeches and it’s not a good look. Stop asking the people what they want you to do and tell them what you’re doing,” she stated simply. When no one opened their mouth to say anything, she kept going. “Bruce’s speech is better and you know it. The American people don’t wanna hear about what your plan is, because you told them when you were running again. They want to know what you’ve accomplished already, they wanna hear what’s up next, and they want to feel happy they voted for you. You’re not some scared little politician, you’re Captain America. We already know that,” she said, gesturing to everyone in the room “now remind the rest of the country. The rest of the world. However, I’m just a personal aide, so feel free to ignore everything I just said,” she shrugged, leaning back into the sofa.

“You’re the only one around here making any damn sense,” Bruce muttered.

“Looks like you should’ve run for President, Doll,” Bucky smirked.

“Shut it,” Steve snapped. “You don’t think-”

“Throw the damn speech away and listen to Bruce!” she snapped.

“Fine!” Steve finally agreed, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat.

For the next two hours, they all worked (argued) on Steve’s speech. He and Sarah even debated over changing the name of it; ‘Hope For America’

“It sounds stupid,” she sighed.

“It’s positive!”

“It’s stupid.”

Meanwhile, Tara just watched in awe as her sister went back and forth between taking notes and reminding Steve about the other things he needed to accomplish, while giving feedback about how the revised speech should go. Everyone was so caught up in what was going on that they all jumped when Sarah’s phone went off.

“Shit! Sorry, I told Tara that we’d have dinner together,” Sarah mumbled, fumbling to turn off her alarm. “Is that okay?”

“Uh yeah,” Steve sighed “breakfast is at-”

“Is it okay if I stay?” Tara asked shyly. “This is all actually really interesting and I don’t think I ever actually imagined how much work goes into a speech,” she laughed.

“This much work shouldn’t have to go into a speech,” Bruce scowled.

“It’s fine with me,” Steve responded while glaring at Bruce.

“Order up dinner,” Sarah laughed, shaking her head at the two.

“Have you eaten today?”

“I honestly can’t remember,” Sarah laughed.

“What do you want?” Tara asked as she looked over the menu.

“She’ll have a large pizza with extra cheese. Heavy on the extra,” Steve said absentmindedly, his eyes still focused on the papers in front of him.

With all eyes on her, Sarah just nodded.

“Well...okay then,” Tara mumbled before calling it in.

Steve hadn’t even noticed what he had done, but it hadn’t escaped Sarah’s attention. In all honesty, it hadn’t escaped anyone’s attention. Everyone knew that they spent a lot of time together, but they always chalked it up to her being his personal aide. However, with Steve knowing what she wanted so easily (and responding like it was the most obvious question in the world), they all started to wonder just how much time they actually were spending together.

Well, everyone except Bucky. He just sat next to Sarah with an all-knowing, shit eating grin.

No one seemed to notice that except Sarah. And she didn’t like it.

However, work still needed to be done, so they all continued to work and argue together on how the new speech should go, until dinner finally arrived. That’s when Tara and Sarah went off into their own little world.

“So, you and Cap obviously spend a lot of time together,” Tara mused before taking in a fork full of pasta.

“Don’t start your shit,” Sarah chuckled, grabbing her third slice of pizza. “I’m his personal aide. I don’t go to bed until he does.”

“Clearly.”

“Seriously? Shut the fuck up,” Sarah laughed, shoving her sister playfully. “He’s just my boss.”

“Uh huh, is he the reason you broke up with Dominick? Which, I’m super happy about in the first place, he fucking sucked.”

“You know President Rogers can hear you, right?” Sarah snickered, as Tara’s eyes went wide. They both turned to look at Steve and he had a look of pure amusement on his face. “I’m gonna die,” Tara groaned.

“He won’t bother you, don’t worry. I’ve already gotten on his case about listening in on people’s conversations.”

“Does that include what we discussed earlier?”

“Unfortunately yes.”

“Fuckin’ great,” Tara huffed.

“Hey, stop it. It’s okay. They’re not gonna call mom and dad and tell them. They were just worried and they had good reason to be. You did show up out of nowhere.”

“I guess...wait...they?”

“Vice Pres knows too.”

“Oh for fucks sake!” Tara huffed, laying her head on the table.

“It’ll be alright. You’re safe here. The people in here won’t judge you. I won’t judge you. You have enough on your plate, don’t add this on to it. How are you feeling?”

“This helped. It’s nice to see what you actually do and I’m kind of amazed at how good you are at it.”

“Why’s that?”

“Cause you kinda suck at everything else.”

“Fuck you,” Sarah laughed, pushing her softly.

After they finished up their dinner, Sarah resumed her work and continued deescalate the arguments over the speech, while Tara continued to watch her sister and stifled her laughter when Bucky and Steve would start to go back and forth with each other. Soon enough, she fell asleep at the dinner table, to the sound of her sister yelling at Steve to go take a walk and calm down.

**

“You can’t yell at me like in front of the group,” Steve sighed as the last few members of his team walked out.

“No, you can’t yell at them like that. We’ve had this talk a million times. We’re all doing our best for you. You attacking everyone isn’t fair to them. It’s not like you’re even mad at them, you’re mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Steve sighed.

“You’re not happy with me.”

“What do you want me to say?!” he snapped.

“Quiet!” Sarah hissed quietly “She’s sleeping,” she motioned towards her sister.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I just...if this is all I can have, I’ll take it. However, I don’t see why I should have to pretend that I’m happy about it.”

“I can always quit.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Did I start laughing?”

“You can’t just leave, Sarah. I can’t do this without you. You’ve seen how much things have changed since you’ve been here. How much I’ve changed.”

“Steve, you can do that all on your own, you don’t need me.”

“It’s maddening how much you don’t understand how much you mean to me.”

“Until you fuck me.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t belittle how much you know you mean to me. Obviously I wanna fuck your brains out, but that doesn’t change my feelings for you.”

“You need to be working things out with Sharon, not trying to win me over.”

“Don’t start that shit again. I don’t know how many times I can tell you that I don’t love her before you actually believe me.”

“I can’t do this with you right now,” Sarah sighed, feeling herself getting flustered and tears gather in her eyes. “I need to get Tara to bed and I need sleep too.”

Steve saw her attempting to scoop up her sister bridal style and immediately stepped in. “I’ll take her.”

“Steve, I can’t ask you to-”

“You didn’t. I don’t mind, just lead the way,” he smiled softly, holding her sister bridal style.

Sarah ignored the fluttering in her heart and started the little trip to her hotel room. She avoided his longing gaze in the elevator, opting to just look at the doors in front of her. She was grateful to have her sister with her, even if she was unconscious, because Sarah had never been able to stand being alone with Steve. It always felt so heavy and it made her feel things in all the places she shouldn’t. Mainly, she felt her heart rate speed up whenever they were alone. He was different when it was just them. He was kind, funny, compassionate, flirty as all hell, and he was calm. So calm that it sometime unnerved her. He so was gentle when they were alone and it always made her fall harder for him.

“What side do you want her on?” Steve asked softly when they finally got to her room.

“Um, wherever is fine. She can have the bed, I’ll take the sofa.”

“Sarah-”

“She’s had a long day, it’s literally the least I can do. I’ve slept on worst things,” she chuckled, before grabbing her pajamas and going into the bathroom to change. She didn’t feel any need to say goodnight and she honestly didn’t want to. It would only add on to all the stress she was already feeling.

She took her time, brushing her teeth and her hair. As she applied her face cream, she forced herself not to think about that evening in the Oval. Where she almost gave herself to him. It would obviously be in her best interest to quit, but it was good money. Plus, for as much of a good person as she’d like to think she was, she didn’t think she could handle being away from Steve. She was already dreading what she would do when his presidency was up.

Taking a deep breath, she looked herself over in the mirror, and told herself to calm down. She didn’t need to add more stress onto an already stressful day, it would only make sleep harder for her.

She couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her lips when she came out of the bathroom and saw Steve situated on the sofa, flipping through channels. “What are you-”

“Come here,” he stated simply yet softly, eyes not leaving the screen.

“Steve, you can’t-”

“Come here,” he repeated in the same soft and gentle tone.

In no mood to argue, she slowly made her way over to him and sat the end of the sofa. “We can’t do this, Steve.”

“Don’t start that shit, we used to do this all the time. Come here,” he laughed softly.

“Steve-”

“Just let me do this for you. Let me be there for you,” he pleaded.

Sarah sighed but made her way over to him none the less. She cuddled up against him and instantly felt at home. “This isn’t right.”

“We’re not doing anything,” Steve mumbled, softly dropping a blanket over her, before draping his arm around here. “I’m just being a friend, cause that’s what you need right now.”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. Don’t shut me out.”

“It’s too painful to let you in.”

“That works both ways, doll.” He was thoughtful before he spoke again. “You’re helping support your parents and sister? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you didn’t need to know.”

“No wonder your apartment is so damn small,” he scoffed.

“Fuck you,” she laughed softly.

“I would’ve helped you.”

“No, I don’t want you doing that.”

“Why the hell not?”

“You know why the hell not! Steve, you can’t just...”

“Can’t what? Take care of you? Love you? It’s too late for that, doll. I loved you the moment I laid my eyes on you. I’ll love you till the day I die.”

“Steve,” Sarah croaked, fighting the tears in her eyes.

“There’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. There’s no too big of an ask. You are everything I have ever wanted and everything I’ve ever needed. I was just too impatient,” he mumbled, voice holding so much regret.

“Steve please, I-”

“Just sleep, darling. I’m sorry, just sleep,” he shushed, softly running his fingers through her hair before kissing the top of her head softly.

Sarah did her best to push her feelings aside and just fall asleep. She knew that he meant well and that he really did love her, but the end of the day he was married. Not only was he married, but he was the President of the United States. Nothing could happen between them. Despite how much of an asshole he could be, he worked hard and she didn’t want to see his reputation tarnished. Not because of her.

As she slowly fell asleep to the touch of Steve stroking her hair, she heard him faintly say ‘I love you’, and he pressed a soft kiss into her hair. How was she supposed to leave him, when he was the only thing in her life that felt right? The only thing that felt like home.

**

taglist: @whxre4cevans, @sweetflowerdreams

[goldenhour-s]

tomorrow, it's 2 months since my parents’ car accident.

aka an update on me and my family’s situation.

TW: car accidents, (physical) disability, trauma.

today, mom got home after numerous transfers between hospitals and rehab centres (all switches due to covid and whole wards being shut down and readjusted for the pandemic’s second wave in poland; it’s been fucking HELL). she’s probably gonna be transferred to yet another hospital next week, because it’s absolutely CRUCIAL mama is rehabilitated without a major break.

it’s the first time we’re seeing each other in over a month, and let’s be real, the 2 visits i managed to have in september were short and it feels like ages ago.

everything has been hectic as the situation changes from day to day, plans have to be adjusted or cancelled, and the house was simply not ready to welcome a patient who still cannot sit up on their own, NOW.

mom’s doing better, though. there are visible improvements thanks to the rehab, and it’s amazing to see how from no leg&hip movements at all back in september, mom can now straighten her right leg on her own, can move the leg to the sides, can even move her right hip. her left side is “stubborn and uncooperative” at times as she says, but it’s improving as well, just... visibly slower.

the rehab professionals keep saying mom has high chances of walking, one day. but, again, it’s crucial she’s in constant rehabilitation. first months after the post-accident surgery are of utmost importance for a patient to get better in the future.

it’s been so tough, so fucking tough for my whole family. mentally, we’re all kind of mess; physically, we’re a mess but getting by; financially, well. we’re trying to apply for various aids from the government, there’s of course some insurance money icoming, there are savings... but there are no endless purses, you know? i’ve already thought about setting up a gofundme, but i don’t wanna do it unless i’m sure i can’t do anything else.

it’s scary to admit that, at some point, you can only trust that there will be some good, able people out there to help you simply because they’re willing and capable.

i think i’ll be able to open build commissions soon-ish, probably before the end of this month. any money’s good money in times like these, you know? so, even though i won’t charge much, it’ll count.

if you’re reading this and would like to (and are able to!) help us out a bit, you can do so via my kofi - you just donate by buying a virtual coffee that’s 3 bucks. if you decide to do that, i’d be so grateful, honestly. among hospitalization & various medical expenses which revolve around mama’s rehabilitation, i’m still trying to see my therapist once a week... and of course it’s a cost that i feel guilty for. i don’t think my mental health could take a therapy loss now, though. i’m already struggling while being able to ease this post-traumatic mental shit once a week.

i’m not in the best shape mentally, that’s a fact; i know no one could blame me under these circumstances. despite that, i managed to prepare 7! lots for simblreen, additional one is coming, then i have 3 newly renovated evergreen harbor apartments, functional and cc-free/cc-light, aaand i wanna make another 2 glimmerbrook builds. soooo if you like my works in ts4 and you wanna send me a thank you coffee via kofi, damn i won’t be mad lmao

it’s not a post about donations, and again, please do not send me a singLE COIN! if you can’t afford that. this year took a toll on so many of us, it’s scary. but... we’re still here, aren’t we?

i think i’m gonna end it here; i’m EXHAUSTED after today’s reunion. the emotions, all these nerves, it got me mad tired. i’m impossibly grateful i could see mom again, though, and to have her show her improvements in person, and to see her reunions with our cats and dog, and to see my parents tear up at the sight of each other-- yeah. today’s been a lot.

mama is safe and sound at home for now, but we’re looking into yet another rehab centre option. until that - i’ll be busy tending to her, entertaining her and simply enjoying our time together. it’s been a while, and the time that passed has been impossibly difficult.

stay safe.

alka

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

The state of things in the world of Tasha - non BLM edition

So we’re all moved in to the new place. I have not paid our roommate rent ($575, all utilities included, it’s a fantastic deal tbh), but I’m working my butt off with DoorDash. Before I get into the nitty-gritty of everything, I want to affirm that we are safe, we are cared for, we are in a supportive environment, and we are no longer homeless. I know that this puts us in a much better spot than a lot of people and I am grateful I have had the help I had, from the Veteran’s Resource Center and my friends and family, to be safe and warm again. We even have some food! Of course, my mental health is suffering because of finances, because of my sister being in prison, and because of my worries about my mom.

We’re trying to clean and fix up the RV to sell - she served us well but there’s another family in need that needs her - but I’m selling it at a very steep discount because the family in question needs her on very little cash. If we can get the RV cleaned out today or tomorrow, which we’re working on, I’ll have some money to float me through this month, but it’s not guaranteed because my  back has been acting up. YAY WEATHER! D:

My mom is doing okay, but the loss of Ashley’s income (they live together when Ashley isn’t in fucking prison) is hitting her hard. She’s having issues keeping healthy, easy-to-prepare food in the house, which is important as she’s diabetic. She, our new roomie, and Raven all use medical marijuana for both physical and mental health. Keeping everyone in legal weed is difficult, but a lot of my DoorDash money is going to that because we’re still waiting on Raven’s disability. 

I need new brakes. BADLY. It’s affecting my DoorDashing and I’m worried. My friend Alex is a legit mechanic and quoted me $260 parts and labor to do my front brakes, which are the ones giving me issues. 

I need new contact lenses badly. My current ones have been used for...um. My optometrist is going to be SO ANGRY at me. They’re monthly lenses but I’ve been carefully cleaning them and going without as often as possible...but they’re about 8 months old. New contacts run... I wanna say $250? I could be wrong. Might be less, might be more. I am not legally allowed to drive while wearing glasses, as I have no peripheral vision that way (I’m a -11 in each eye. Please go look up how bad my sight is). Medicaid approved the contact lenses as a necessary medical prosthesis... Then they retroactively denied it. YAY!

Phone bill and car insurance bill is due. Both T-Mo and Geico have been PHENOMENAL about working with me, but this is the result of the working with me: I owe them about $300 combined. I can usually, if I work a long shift, clear $60 to $100 a night with DoorDash, but I haven’t been doing that as often because, well. Brakes. 

In the meantime, here’s a few links to throw out there if you want to help me and mine out. If you can’t, I fully understand - I see so many gofundme’s and stuff and I wish I could contribute, but I can’t.

A post on how to send my sister, who is in prison, aid. She has $20 on her books right now, which considering the inflated rate at which they sell shit to prisoners, isn’t a whole lot. She can also use books and mail! You can send her ten pages per letter, and I’ve been sending crosswords, word-finds, coloring pages, funny memes, etc. -- anything to keep morale up! Please consider sending her a letter of funny stuff. Nothing involving guns, drugs, or other crimes (they apparently don’t give a fuck about sexual stuff). She almost didn’t get a letter from me because of this (for some reason sideways) image:

Mine and Raven’s needs list. I super-duper need some stuff for DoorDashing. Raven and I are in desperate need of shoes.

My wants list. If you wanna get a present for me. My birthday ain’t until September, but hey. 

My book wants list. This needed an entirely different list. 

My PayPal.me (tashabot at gmail if you have a PayPal).

My ko-fi.

My Venmo: @tashabot

My Cashapp: $tashabot

Thanks for reading. I hope that you, whoever you are that is reading this, have a good day, and that you can take a nice hot shower or bath to relax tonight. Mwah!

[ispyamoose]

I am overwhelmed.

I have lots of family on Facebook, so I generally don’t post stuff like this there. On my Twitter, I occasionally share short-form woes, but didn’t really want to put this there.

There is so much going on in the world. In addition, there’s so much going on in my life. So much feels like it’s piling on. And, before anyone might ask, YES, I’m seeking therapy. I’ve recently had to switch therapists and am still waiting on an appointment. But I AM seeking real help. I just need a place to shout into the void, and I’ve got some H E A V Y shit to share.

My mom has been in increasingly poor health. She has COPD, has had dozens of hospital trips in the past year, and has been on oxygen since September. That came out of nowhere. She hadn’t been hospitalized in something like 15 years for her COPD, and then WHAM, so much deterioration happened at once. 

She receives palliative care, which is basically a step below hospice care, for those who don’t know. Palliative care is when you have a serious medical illness, and a nurse comes by a few times a week to check vitals, give you a basic examination, and is able to advocate for you more easily. If they suspect an infection, they can call your doctor for you and get antibiotics ordered without needing to go to the doctor’s office. It is designed to save you hospital trips, because your immune system is at risk of ANYTHING you come across.

My mom was told, last week, that she is in the end stage of her COPD. We were preparing for this, it was suspected, but it was different to be told that for sure by the doctor. Home hospice care was recommended for her, despite her already having palliative care. This is probably because palliative care still has more hoops to jump through to gain access to higher strength pain management medication, etc. 

She also recently developed 4 compression fractures in her spine. T4, T5, T6, and T8. She has osteoporosis and RA. She has a brace for this so her spine can heal. She has a hunch now because of the fractures, and the hunch is permanent.

This hit me like a TON OF BRICKS. Anyone who knows me, knows my mom is my best friend on this entire planet. Yes, my dearly departed best friend Toni, and my Rachel Squared bestie are my best friends. But, I am SO incredibly close with my mom. I tell her everything, even the uncomfortable stuff that people often don’t share with their parents. Losing her would be unfathomable to me. And, yet, I have to start accepting that it may happen sooner, rather than later. Yes, she could live a very long time in the end stage. That doesn’t have to define her. Some people still live 10-20 years. But the vagueness of the situation is what eats at me. Could she live another 10 years? Of course. But would it be a surprise to any doctor if she passed in a few months? Not at all. And that’s what eats at me. I don’t want to live every day thinking that this is going to be the day I lose her, but my anxiety takes over and I do think that.

She just went back to the hospital the other day, for what we thought was a bowel obstruction. She hadn’t gone since she got home from the hospital last week. Nope. Not an obstruction. Good, right? Well...she had a HOLE in her INTESTINE. Part of her intestine is just paralyzed and not working, likely because of this perforation. So she had to have emergency surgery. It was successful, but recovery could take 6+ months, and she has an ostomy bag for at least a few months. 

I’m glad she’s okay. I talked to her this morning. But, of all people these things happen to, it shouldn’t be her. My poor mom has been through hell and back. And, somehow, she’s still positive and SUCH a trooper. And it makes me sob. I love her so much and would bear all the pain for her if I could.

Besides my mom’s struggles, my son has a developmental delay, isn’t saying words, (but makes noises and single syllable sounds) and will be 2 this month. He’s being referred for autism screening. I love my son, he’s ADORABLE and is such a good kid. But the hard times with him are HARD, and it’s becoming harder and harder to manage on my own. (COVID still has things closed, and his Early Intervention visits are all teletherapy currently) He’s also got partial hearing loss, that we’re unsure is permanent or not. COVID has prevented him from seeing ENT until the end of July. All we have to go on right now is from the audiologist. He doesn’t hear until 35 decibels, and that’s a whisper for him. He has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and seeks out sensory input he’s not getting. This results in him pushing over heavy furniture, which appears to be destructive behavior, but is him trying to participate in heavy play so his senses are stimulated. Reid is the light of my life, but it is exhausting. I will love him no less if he’s autistic, but I grew up with developmental delays myself, and it’s not a life I necessarily wanted for him. I don’t want things to always be harder for him. I want things to be easier for him than they were for me.

And, I’m filing bankruptcy due to massive medical bills from 2018. Basically, I worked at Cigna, and while I was pregnant, I had medical problems that didn’t affect Reid, but affected me, leaving me out of work. I had short-term disability from December through the middle of February. From February through May, I was supposed to have FMLA, and then from May-September was supposed to be maternity leave. I ended up leaving in September because I couldn’t afford to work and pay for childcare. Because I left, it caused a catalyst. FMLA retroactively denied, which caused my maternity leave to deny, because FMLA needs to be approved for maternity leave to approve. Because none of this approved, my health insurance from February-September essentially went retroactively unpaid. Because that happened, my insurance coverage terminated all the way back to February. Cigna recouped all the payments they made for ALL my health issues, and Reid’s birth, etc. So 6 months of insurance premiums AND every single doctor charge was on me. AND, to make matters worse, too much time had passed for Medicaid to pick up any of these bills. (You can only submit bills that are within 3 months.) So, I’ve been saddled with an insane amount of medical bills I just cannot pay.

I have multiple medical issues that require surgery. I require bladder surgery, and hip/pelvic surgery to correct dysplasia. My doctors won’t do it until I’m done having kids...all because I want one more in a few years. The pain and dysplasia with my hip/pelvis/low back prevent me from doing a lot of bending, walking, and lifting. This prevents me from doing much around the house. I feel miserable, like I’m useless and not enough of a person for my partner, because I’m not contributing as much as I feel like I should. If I clean the house, I can’t do anything else for the whole day. If I walk through a Sam’s Club, I’m done for a day or two. It’s a bad mental space to be in.

Sooooo, that’s my life right now. Then, add in touch deprivation because of the pandemic depriving me of the people I love. Add in my dread because of the state of the world. (#BlackLivesMatter, kiss my ass if you disagree) Aaaaand, I’m a million degrees of overwhelmed.

[athena1138]

Personal rambling/whining/venting to the void. Depression tw

We’ve lost three employees this month. That leaves me and my friend as the only two full time RAs. There’s 4 other people who can fill in, but 1 is in nursing school and 2 are on disability and both dumber than a bag of rocks and 1 is 65 years old and can only work 2-3 nights a week.

So me and my friend are working p much nonstop. We’re fine with it, we both need the money super bad. I’ve got 3 months’ worth of bills to pay and she has a kid. 

I’m just so tired, man. I’m back on midnights which are a large part of what threw me back into my depression, I think. I’m medicated now so it isn’t as bad, but I’m worried about it getting worse despite the meds. It’s a bit better because I’m still able to work a day shift here and there, though, so fingers crossed. 

But like. I’m already slipping. It’s been like two weeks since I had to go back to midnights and I’m already so messed up. I had 3 days off before today and I got completely flipped around so I’m here on this shift having just started with only 1 hour of sleep and I don’t get off for 10 more hours. 

I’m so tired that I haven’t managed to watch last week’s episode of Critical Role because I can’t focus long enough to finish it, so that means that I can’t watch this week’s. I’m disappointed about that because I hadn’t missed an episode since quarantine before last week. Thankfully there won’t be an episode next week so I have time to catch up, I’m just bummed because I love watching live. I love seeing everybody else freak out at the same time as me and it’s vain but I love when I make a post in the moment and it blows up. 

I’m so tired that even though I have 10 hours in this shift, I know I won’t be able to watch last week’s episode because, again, I can’t focus long enough. I’ll be lucky if I don’t fall asleep like I have been since getting put back on this shift. 

And I have creativity for the first time in months. I have ideas, things I want to write, things I want to explore. But I don’t have the energy. I’ve managed to crank out 2 things this month, and 1 of them is the start of a whole new multi-chapter fic which I’m excited about, but again. No fucking energy. 

And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how I did it so long before. I got so burnt out last time I had to do this that I didn’t recover until I had my gallbladder out and was forced to stay home for 2 weeks because I was in so much pain. God knows how long it’ll take me to recover from this now as I’m fairly certain the rest of my organs are moderately healthy and likely won’t need to be removed anytime soon. 

It’s hard on my friendships, too. I get to see my friend for about half an hour in the mornings when she comes in, but then I go home and after a few hours I have to go to sleep and by the time I get up, there’s only a few hours I can talk to her before she has to go to bed. My other friend who lives in town, I’m lucky if I can see her once a week because she has to fill in for an evening shift. The other two friends I have live out of town/state so we rely solely on social media to keep in touch, but the one goes to bed about the time I wake up for the night, and the other usually goes to bed halfway through my shift. 

It’s lonely, man. It’s lonely and stressful and I don’t know how long I can hold on before we get people hired. 

I also still haven’t gotten my fucking raise yet. 6 months after asking and 2 months after almost getting fired for bitching about it on facebook and I still don’t fucking have it. 

This is all just made worse by the fact that it’s the holidays. I fucking hate the holidays. My mamaw is basically forcing me to go to Thanksgiving even though I specifically took shifts on the day before and day of so I wouldn’t have to. This year she decided to give a shit and ask what times I work so they can plan around me for a change which I guess is touching but also I really don’t fucking want to go. And xmas music is already playing on the radio which is annoying in itself but also upsetting because I know I can’t get people presents this year because I’m paying my mom’s bills still. 

I can’t even fucking start therapy because my mom may lose her insurance any moment because she’s been trying to get on disability since January and thus hasn’t been working, so I can’t risk starting something and then losing insurance halfway through. My only saving grace is this fucking zoloft that’s too low dose but I keep forgetting to call my doctor to talk to him about it because I’M ON FUCKING MIDNIGHTS NOW. 

I’m losing it, guys. I’m slipping so bad. But I can’t just not work this shift. It’s guaranteed 5 nights a week and someone has to work it but I’m the only RA trained on it and the other woman who works it is, again, 65 fucking years old and can’t do it every night. I know if I really wanted to, I could tell my boss I can’t do it anymore and make it his problem like it should be, but I don’t want to risk my job because I know he’s still considering me to be on probation for the social media slip (which didn’t even violate hipaa but whatever.) And when my boss is mad, he makes life hell for the rest of us. Me and my friends are actively afraid of him. He, a 45 year old tall, muscular man, has yelled at us 21 and 25 year old girls, 2 of whom have experienced abuse at the hands of men before. I’ve heard that he’s thrown things in manager meetings. He almost threw something in our last RA meeting because of my social media slip. But we can’t get him fired because he’s chummy with the regional manager. 

So I’m stuck here. I can’t just find another job because there’s a pandemic on, this job is 2 blocks from my house which will be good when our car gets repoed, and it pays $10/hour which is higher than most everything else in town. Plus when I’m not depressed and can work other shifts, I really do enjoy it. 

I’m just so tired. 

[brieannakeogh]

Bernie Sanders

Yes this is the man I’ll vote for. It’s the man I’ll tell everyone in my family to vote for. Most of them are republicans but I don’t think I’ll have to argue about it. I’ll be able to convince them with a very realistic, easy statement. Health care for free. 

Both of my parents died from cancer. They both were diagnosed at 50 years old. My father survived for 2 years, and worked for the state before then for years. He had over 6 months of sick days, which was a miracle since he wouldn’t be put on disability for 6 months by the government. The medical bills and pills, chemo, etc. that they put him on, ate away at his 401k, all of savings, literally everything they had saved for retirement. Luckily my mom was able to care for him. The company she worked for was a very successful local business. The owners worked with her, and had her work at odd hours from home. Paid for the computer and all the things that needed to be changed on their software so it can be released via the internet instead of just closed circulation. They were the only reason we didn’t go bankrupt. 

I still removed myself from college since I knew they wouldn’t be able to pay for it. I started working side jobs and taking over all the payments they were helping me with. I was 19 when his first seizure happened and 21 when he died. After he passed my boyfriend and I moved in with my mother, instead of living in the home we were paying mortgage on. My mom at least found a renter for us, who only would go late sometimes. 

All of us were living paycheck to paycheck, but my mom still had her own 401k from her company. So she could still retire on her own. Then the system crashed. Stocks went down, the housing market went down. We could never sell our house because we could never make the amount we owed. Mom was worried about the 401k being good for her own retirement. I told her “don’t worry, you’ll still work for 10-15 years and stocks will go back up.” That is happening, but she got cancer a few years after dad died. 

She turned 50 as well and was diagnosed a few months after my boyfriend turned into husband. I couldn’t work so all the bills were paid by my husband’s paycheck and the amazing company she worked for. They still sent her a check every 2 weeks like normal. They took her and paid for sick trips so she could travel to places she wanted to be. They took her to a lawyer to fill out an appropriate death will. I’m very grateful to them. 

She ended up dying in 6 months. Everything she had, had to be sold. All the lower stocks, all her investments. Everything that went down. I had no job, very little money and the renter for the house I personally owned stopped paying their bill. My small inheritance was running out paying a mortgage, normal bills and having to buy a car so I could get a job. It only took a little while to go back to nothing. Owning the 1994 single wide trailer that my parents bought that year. 

Another big chunk was taken when we sold the house we were paying mortgage on still. Losing money instead of gaining it. We should have rented when we moved in together originally. 

Now it’s 10 years later and I have cancer too. Of course mine started earlier than theirs. I had already planned to up my life insurance to a large amount when I turned 49, but it started early. 

My insurance is the AHCA Blue Cross, which is ok but I have to have bronze to be able to pay for it. They said I would survive for 6-8 years and I’m sure my bills for hospitals will go up in flames. I can’t retire early, I can’t take vacations, I can’t quit my job. I’ll be here until I feel the effects of when I’m going to die. It’s the same as my dad had, but I’m a little lower stage. When I die my husband will be poor, jobless and I already heard he’s moving north. He wants more cold weather. I made sure he could afford it by doubling my life insurance policy. Hopefully the hospital doesn’t eat it away. 

We’re drowning again for the third time in my life and my family knows health care should be free. Those republicans will vote as liberal as possible so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else in the USA. 

This is me. I know I write fiction all the time, but this is my soul. I know there are many lies and the fact he’s an old white dude can come out as negative, but please please go out to vote if you are young and you live in USA. Hell, you should vote in your own country too. Seems like we don’t think that our vote does anything, but when there is enough we can take over. 

[paraphernaliawagon]

ok so i while back i went to my parents and i was like “i’m sick of this shit. i want to get an Actual Paid Employment so i don’t have to deal with the fucking dvr (department of vocational rehabilitation) and social security anymore or with sitting around being useless and wasting time all day every day and self-medicating and binge-eating and doing all sorts of psychologically unhealthy habits like that. let me try to become a postal worker” and mom was like “i don’t think you’re ready yet. how about, instead of doing something that actually pays you (the social holy grail that you’re more than halfway to 30 not yet having achieved) you get another volunteer gig that has a regular weekly schedule (that makes it ALMOST a real job)”and i was like “i don’t wanna but ok fine” and i found a posting from Small Local History Museum in Nearby Town looking for collections volunteers. so i went and met their collections manager and i was thinking the whole time like “please for the love of god don’t reject me i know i’m visibly genderweird but i can’t help it and i’m trying really hard to speak fluently despite my intense anxiety and to make eye contact and stuff but oh no i already told you i was autistic so NOW if i make eye contact will you think i was lying” but she literally can’t reject me cuz i’m just a volunteer so she’s like “we’re gonna be closed because of the coronavirus but you can start on april 7th which is after we open again” and of course they’re still closed and all the staff is working from home and they don’t really know yet when they’ll be able to reopen. and i’m very frustrated that this is happening right now. i lied when i said my day to day life was not really affected by the quarantine and i was like “i’m totally fine why is mom worried about me” and ALSO my dad’s job fired him because old people are more expensive to insure so bye bye health insurance and sense of financial security that i used to have. now we gotta figure out how to sign up me for the government one that i qualify for and also mom thinks i need to sign up for food stamps. and the idea of that makes me feel anxious and also ashamed.

“hi i’m the economic effects of the virus. FUCK YOU DISABLED PEOPLE even the ones that are relatively well off like you lewis. haha you thought this wasn’t going to personally affect you haha fuck you”

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

I fell in the shower today.

I’m okay.  Got a solid grip on the grab bar and it softened the landing.  Husband is getting a shower/bathing chair for me because this isn’t the first, nor shall it be the last, time it’s happened.  As for the why...

I’ve mentioned before I have an old back injury that has flared the fuck up recently.  Been going on for months. 

I acquired this injury from sledding when I was 14.  My mother forbade me from going sledding with friends.  I was 14, the hill was fantastic and so many kids were sledding.  Why the fuck would I wanna miss out on something like that?  I was on a disc sled, hit a rock, flew a good distance, and landed on another rock less than two inches from my spine.  Wind was knocked outta me, and it took almost ten minutes for me get my legs moving.  Cell phones weren’t common then; they were huge and often had to be carried in bags.  No one thought to call for an ambulance.  One of the friends I was sledding with suggested I sleep over because I didn’t want to get in trouble.  Not even 12 hours later her dad drove me home (because I could barely walk due to pain) and told my mom to take me to the hospital.  She said no, that I deserved this, it’ll be a reminder of what disobedience costs.  That’s when I learned no matter how much I get hurt, she won’t care. 

A large portion of my back was black and purple.  Massive bruise and all kinds of ugly.  Moving hurt, breathing hurt, I couldn’t lay down or sit up.  My mom insisted I do chores because I went sledding when she said not to go, that this is a lesson I need to remember.

I fucking remember.  Every fucking day for 22 years.  Blowing on that spot causes spasms and pain so severe I can’t even breathe.  There are clothes I can’t wear because they touch that spot in such a way that I’m damn near unable to move.  When I was 16 I threw my back out carrying all my school books because two minutes isn’t enough time to get to my locker and then to class.  The specialist I saw did an exam that hurt like fuck, had me crying and my mother calling me a wimp.  He told her this is a nerve cluster that’s like a scar but rather than being visible it causes me pain.  He told her I need surgery, that getting it done while I’m younger is safer and better for me because recovering is easier when young.  She said no because I’m just being wimpy.  I was given muscle relaxants, a board to lay on, a note saying I can’t go to school for at least a week, and another note telling my teachers I need more time between classes and need to use a wheelie bag (those were forbidden back then and really expensive). 

The pain has gotten worse every year.  My mother still thinks I deserve it, that I’m just wimpy.  My father had no say because he was in another country at the time the injury happened.  Military thing called TDY.

I’m seeing my doctor on the 27th; it’s the earliest appointment I could get.  I’ll be requesting a referral to a physical therapy clinic that also has a massage therapist (the only way my insurance will cover this at all), a muscle relaxant, and a referral to a specialist to get this taken care of. 

When the pain spikes, so does my vertigo.  I have constant vertigo, frequent dizzy spells, and recently both have gotten worse.  Hence falling in the shower.  We have all furniture corners cover with baby-safe cushioning because I bump into things a lot.  While looking at apartments (we’re moving in July) I’m looking for places without stairs.  A few years ago I fell down the two steps we had in our home and gave myself a concussion.  No idea how long I was out, but stairs are not good for me.  Especially now. 

Sitting at my computer for more than half an hour hurts like hell.  My recliner is the only place I get any relief, however minor it is.  Quilting is slower because various movements make the pain shoot up.  Normally the pain is sitting at a constant 6; I’m used to it, no big deal.  It’s now sitting at an 8 and spikes to a 9.5.  I pass out at a 10, and have experienced that 10 when my IUD broke in 2010.  That’s another story for another day.

The only thing my mother taught me is that no matter how much pain I’m in, no matter the severity of my injuries, telling her won’t mean a damn thing.  My pain tolerance is insanely high, but she calls me a wimp anyway.  I fell asleep when I got my tattoos, one of which covers the majority of my left ankle and goes up to my knee.  The endorphins release had me really sleepy and I napped for the three hours of the tattoo work.  I fall asleep during most dental appointments because the pain and discomfort release endorphins and make me sleepy.  I have injured myself during seizures, been hit by three cars, suffered a concussion, tore a ligament in my wrist after a bad fall down a set of stairs (and suffered it for 5 years before proper diagnosis and surgery), and a whole hell of a lot of other injuries.  Not to mention the self-harm I inflicted on my legs (no one questions small cuts when I shaved my legs) for over a decade. 

I’m dealing with severe vertigo, extreme pain that has actually made me cry, and I’m pissed the fuck off.  It’s taken me THIS FUCKING LONG to realize my parents weren’t only neglectful of me but also abusive.  It was little and big things, and only with the help of my current counselor have I been able to face what has happened to me.  My sisters were pampered and given all the positive love and affection.  I’m the eldest and “should be setting an example”.  Constantly asked “why can’t you be more like your sisters” and punished when I got anything lower than a B.  Though the neglect they threw at me when I got a B certainly fucking qualifies. 

I don’t know how I can ever bring this up with my parents.  They will never believe they did anything wrong.  I will never get an apology.  Nothing will change other than a massive rift in the family for which I’ll be blamed.

For those who are unaware of a small detail, I rarely cry.  I was shamed for crying, for being emotional, wimpy, too sensitive, etc.  I learned how to cry silently.  Having severe allergies made my sniffling nose easy to mask.  When something makes me cry, it’s an event.  I’m getting better at crying, but when it’s pain that’s setting it off, it’s bad.  My husband is mad with worry because he’s seeing me cry from pain that I’ve been masking for years.  He hates that I hold all this in. He cries openly, he’s sensitive, sympathetic, empathetic, and has none of the toxic masculinity (he claims it’s due to being raised in a house of women).  I’ve been enjoying edibles for several weeks now to help deal with the pain, but I can’t have them daily for many reasons.  I’m allergic to nearly every pain medication, and the one I’m not allergic to (aleve) has no effect on this.  It helps with migraines, fevers, and my wrist, but not my back. 

I know my doctor will help me.  She’s an amazing doctor, she listens to me, hears me, asks the right questions and never shames me for the ones I ask.  She’ll likely insist on me seeing a specialist because this isn’t something I ought to be forced to live with for the rest of my life.  She’ll also mark the massage therapy as medically necessary, which is the only way Medicare will cover it (I’m disabled and on SSDI).

Please don’t reblog this, but you can reply.  I’m full of pain and anger and hurt right now.  JFC I’m gonna cry again.  The more sugar coating I remove from my past, the more I really look at my childhood and growing up, the more I realize how horrible things were for me.  Like many victims of childhood abuse and neglect, I’ve pushed a vast amount of it away.  Don’t want to look at it, don’t want to think about it, but 2019 was the year I began to heal.  Now the ugly part is finally coming around.  The worst part of moving in July will be losing my counselor and doctor.