#WHY DID GRIAN SHOW UP FIRST

[s1llycilantro]

how do I explain to hermitblr that I've overly thought about everyones body types according to headcanons as well as work n such- IGNORE OLD ART GUYS i was new and figuring out designs LET ME LIVE 😞😞

[ghostyclay]

[Day 30]: TANUKI JOEL TANUKI JOEL TANUKI JOEL-

(Whenever i export animations, procreate sometimes messes up the colors a bit? It looks fine on my ipad, but the animation is desaturated on my phone, so here's what it should look like:)

Anyways, i thought it would be funny to draw Joel summoning Effo, inspired by Grian & Scar summoning mumbo during season 8. It turned out even sillier than i thought it would and i absolutely love it wkdhwjd

(explanation of the animation + sketch of the tail below!)

Also wanted to show off the sketch since it shows off the movement a lot better! I did end up changing a LOT (and even ended up adding some frames where i did lineart w/o a sketch inbetween... Oop-) but u can still kind of see the drag and offset?

So basically: since the tail isn't a stiff object like... A table or sth, it has multiple 'joints' (<-don't remember the proper term for it). Now, if u animated the tail just moving back and forth it would look v v stiff and wierd, since irl the tip of the tail would be "dragged along" with the bottom (<-aka the ACTUAL joint that the movement originates from). To create a more organic and realistic movement, you need to slightly delay the other parts of the tail. I usually use those lil circles to sketch this out at first, since its a lot easier to do without having to worry about shape and perspective and such.

(in theory i know wayyy too much about animation, but in practice im still struggling to do it bc i don't have much experience animating ekfhakdj- i do know the theory p well, which is why im hoping his lil explanation might help someone! Let me know if u guys want me to include some art theory lessons more often :D)

[theminecraftbee]

"Well hello there Secret Keeper!" Scar says, chipper. "It's a bea-ut-i-ful day today here on the Secret Life server, and I'm here for my daily hearts for winning! I have to say, it is gorgeous today. Really a lot easier to keep the rain away without other players, what with sleeping through the night not being a problem at all! Did you know, by the way, that sleeping and rain are connected? I didn't until recently, but by golly, they sure are! Can you imagine? The world is full of so many strange things."

The Secret Keeper, being a big dumb stone statue, doesn't reply. Scar's beginning to think it's just rude. It sure replies whenever he hits the button, which is the first step in his morning routine these days. He's gotten better at dodging damage, really, even with the nearly infinite hearts! He's just not so good at dodging skeletons and creepers and such that he shouldn't top off every day.

He hits the button. He feels his health return to him. He gets a new task: Win Secret Life.

He snorts, a little bitter, to himself as he reads it and folds it into his pocket. "You know, I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky that you're such a moron that you don't know what winning means. Your machine is broken."

No response, again, because the Secret Keeper is, as established, a big old dumb rock. Well, whatever. Besides, if he lingers on resentment and upset for too long, it might catch up with him! He's certainly let it catch up with him before. Why, a few days after he'd won, when he really had it sink in that he was for-real alone on a server covered in lightning burn marks and blood, he had a bit of a breakdown! There was sobbing, screaming, yelling at the world, the whole works! And when no one responded then, well--

"Did I just call you a moron? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that!" Scar says. "You know how I get sometimes. The world is beautiful and warm, but sometimes it gets a little hard to breathe around here! Now, where were we... oh, right! The trading post terraforming project! Now, we hit a bit of a snag the other day, what with the wandering traders I'd caught all sort of--dying--and all that, but luckily, more of them might show up any moment, and they really are vital to making the place feel alive and breathing. So today we're taking a break from that to build up some trees!"

He waves his arms like someone is listening. He'd like to imagine someone is. Grian told him he won--just because all the ghosts are quiet now doesn't mean they aren't there! And if that was a moment of temporary insanity, well, he probably--he needs to think it's not, is the thing! He absolutely needs to think it's not.

He hums and gathers more logs. His makeshift tree farms are pretty nice, if he does say so himself. He pauses as he hears distant howling and sighs. "I guess we will also be spending today cleaning up the wolf population! I swear, I have no idea what those people were thinking making a wolf spawner. A man takes a nap for a day and then the entire server is overrun with stupid white animals! And you know, I do hate having to cull the things, but, well, you know me. I've learned how to kill pretty well, I think, and really, dogs are easier to kill than people."

He grabs a sword from his chest and sharpens it. He keeps it perfectly clean so that there isn't too much blood on it. Good thing, too; most of the blood would probably be his. He's a bit clumsy, after all. He cuts his fingers on it all the time. No matter how well he bandages up his hands, he just keeps making them bleed, drip, drip, dripping blood on every path he walks down. No matter how hard he works to clean up his massive building projects, the little splatters of blood follow him, so he's sticking to dark colors where he can.

The flowers will probably show the blood, he thinks. The flowers and trees he's building. Hopefully, the blood doesn't stand out too much. It feels wrong, in a world where there are no bodies.

He stands up. He heads in the direction of today's pack of unwanted pests. He sighs. "You know, I know your question is, well gosh, Scar! All the previous winners died. When are you going to finish it off and kill yourself? And wow, that's a pretty dark question. You should be ashamed of yourself for asking, really." He laughs. It's not funny. Who cares.

Instead, he shakes his head.

"And, well, you have to understand. I'm not done building yet! I can make my base so much nicer looking! And besides, you're still handing me hearts. If I get hurt, I can just come back and get more from you! If you want to die, you have to kill me yourself. You fucking cowards!"

No response.

He sighs. "Well, that's enough of that for today. Sorry, I'm feeling kind of morose. It's all this sunshine! Can't be good for a man. Did you know populated servers rain more often than unpopulated ones? It's true! It's because people don't sleep enough. But here I am, getting all the sleep I need. Now, time to go kill some dogs and build some trees! I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon, can you?"

His hands hurt. He ignores it. He ignores a lot of hurt, these days. It's not like it's hard.

[krashlite]

Anyways my hot take abt the cheater’s arc is that all four of them were in the wrong but it was mostly Grian’s fault things went so horrendously since man was the reason why the actual Cheating part of the cheater’s arc happened (characters, obviously)

But yeah here’s how they were all wrong yes

Grian was being incredibly controlling because he didn’t trust Scar to keep them safe. Man was scared of his own damn shadow for a lot of this, but his way of ensuring his own safety was basically to tell Scar to stand in one place and not move. He pretty much disregarded the fact that Scar is a grown man capable of making his own decisions And capable of keeping himself, and the both of them, alive. The fact that they were last on green doesn’t reassure him, only confirms that he is in the right for being so controlling. He thinks his behavior kept them alive. He only loosens up once they hit their red life since at that point danger is assumed. Grian DOES NOT learn to respect Scar here, just puts his paranoia on hold for another day. His conclusion is that he was right and Scar was unreasonable

Scar was pushing back against said control since he knew it was unfounded. Again, he’s a grown man capable of making his own decisions. He has a tendency to mock people to show when they’re being ridiculous, something he does here through being purposefully careless. It’s both to point out how ridiculous Grian’s being and a way to punish him for being so obsessive. Instead of having the intended effect, Scar just pushes Grian further away. He later winds up just following everything Grian says, which doesn’t address the root of the problem here. Except he has no way of knowing what’s wrong because Grian doesn’t tell him. From his perspective, the only thing that got Grian back at his side was murder- since the only times they actually stood on equal footing was when there was a plan for a kill or when that plan went well. Scar’s conclusion here isn’t that he was unsafe, but that he was boring. So it reaffirms that he’s in the right and Grian was being unreasonable

BigB is not and never was the mistress in this situation. Had Grian never approached him, he would’ve never left Ren. He was using his Secret Soulmate as an escape from normal relationship problems he was too scared to address. BigB mainly felt overlooked because he has a quieter personality than Ren, meaning Ren wound up making most decisions for the two of them. BigB did a lot to mirror Ren and to be Ren’s other half, but didn’t give himself space to be his own person in the relationship. This is something that’s brought up in couple’s counseling and something they at least started to address before dying. BigB never intended to hurt either of them, since he did love and value both Ren and Grian- something that’s affirmed by how he talks to them after dying. BigB and Ren talk about how they stayed together until the end and B takes the time to forgive Grian for murdering both him and his soulmate

Ren was doing his best to keep Box afloat but failed to meet BigB’s needs. Since B wouldn’t communicate what was wrong, Ren kept trying to course correct in ways that inadvertently made the situation worse. Ren’s instinct is to be protective- to find an enemy to defend against. That enemy was first Pearl and then Clockduo when Bdubs inadvertently got BigB killed. He also reacted to news of B cheating by distancing himself from BigB. Which, reasonable!! Ren wasn’t obligated to save them if B was the one who left. However, this action only pushed BigB away since Ren was so quick to assume they were over. Ren has a habit of isolating himself when something’s wrong, assuming the worst of a situation when things can be fixed. It worked out between him and BigB in the end but goddamn was that rough

Anyways the four of them are very!! Very messy, I love them dearly

[funkyplantguy]

established relationship scarian where scar finds A Creature of some sort (dealer's choice) and starts in on the whole "Can we keep it?? 🥺🥺" routine to grian

i was originally going to go with a cat, then a baby warden (listen idk) then an ACTUAL baby...then landed on this (and giggled and kicked my feet the entire time as i wrote it). hope you enjoy :D

scar: g scar: grain scar: grian scar: light of my life scar: where are you? scar: i have gift grian: fishing dock scar: shoulda guessed scar: be there soon <3

grian stretched, quietly groaning to himself as his back (and wings) crackled in delight at the movement, tired of the endless hunching they’d endured over the past several hours. a gift from scar (especially an unexpected one) was sure to be…interesting. they’d been together long enough that scar knew what grian liked, of course…but sometimes…the “gifts” his partner would bring him would be more for scar’s own personal amusement than anything else.

not that he really minded, of course. not when that meant getting to see scar light up like a kid on christmas. scar was always so full of life - always giggling over something or other - and it just reminded grian of why he’d fallen in love with him in the first place. and honestly, that was gift enough for him.

despite all of that, he wasn’t quite expecting scar to bring him something...alive.

grian heard the chirping from the small bundle in scar’s arms before the man had even landed, and couldn’t help the inquisitive trill that forced its way out of him in response. and that, of course, set scar off - mimicking the noise with his own (very human) vocal cords (which only served to produce a melody akin to being strangled). he stared at grian with wide eyes as he touched down, and grian felt his cheeks burn under his gaze.

“g! i’ve never heard you make that noise before - that was so cute, do it again!”

“no,” grian chirped back, then pressed his hand against his mouth as scar laughed in delight. “scar - what is that?”

“it’s a baby!” scar responded, moving closer and tilting the bundle in his arms towards the avian. “look - it’s a little you!”

grian uncovered his mouth to retort - he very much doubted that scar had somehow found a baby avian wandering around hermitcraft - but another quiet chirp caught his attention, and he found himself leaning forward to peer over scar’s arms. and there, nestled in a pile of soft, brown blanket, was the ugliest baby parrot grian had ever seen in his life. and yet..and yet…

grian didn’t even realize that he was whistling until the baby returned his birdsong, eager little chirps and gurgles spilling out of its little fleshy beak. it tilted its head up at grian, blinking, and grian offered up a trembling finger into the makeshift nest. the chick nuzzled against it, purring softly, and something in grian’s heart felt like it might burst. he raised his face to his partner, and found scar’s gaze transfixed - but not on the parrot in his arms, but him. their eyes locked, and scar offered him a smile - something soft and warm, something that made grian want to kiss him more than anything in the world.

“can we keep it?” he whispered, and grian let out a short (wet) laugh.

“i…scar, where…where did you even find it? it’s so little…i can’t imagine its mama would have been far; she’s probably worried sick…do you really want to take the little guy from his mama?”

scar’s lower lip wobbled (and grian felt like he might be the worst person in the entire world for it).

“he didn’t have a mama! i sat and watched and waited for hours, gri, and nobody came for him…he was just all alone, on a branch in the jungle, and i got worried that something was going to come along and eat him! and…well…i figured you’d know how to take care of him. given that you’re…y’know.”

he gestured toward grian’s colorful wings with one hand, and grian’s feathers rippled obediently in show for his lover. from scar’s arms, the tiny bird chirped again, raising its little head and struggling to flap its wings in the same way grian had fluttered his. scar looked down to the parrot, then up to grian, eyes wide and sparkling as he jutted out his lower lip.

“see! he agrees! he wants you to be his new mama!”

(and if grian’s heart fluttered in his chest at the suggestion of being a mother, that was no one's business but his own. that was a topic to be discussed later - much later, in the warmth of each other’s arms and the shield the darkness their room offered for grian's vulnerability)

“we could name him…um…jeffrey!”

“scar - we are not naming our son jeffrey.”

“our son???!??” scar parroted back, jerking his head up from where he had dipped it to stare down at the chick in his arms. “our son??? so…we can keep him? really? you mean it?”

“yes, scar. i mean it,” grian responded, smiling softly at the hopeful peep from the newest member of their little family. “we can keep him.”

(and the way scar pulled him into a kiss, then, was the greatest gift of all)

[whereispearlescentmoon]

For those who need a GGG recap on why the three of them seem to be pre-divorced (Warning, this is a Pearl blog. I will try to be as balanced as possible, but I may seem biased towards Pearl):

TLDR; They can’t stop betraying each other but the sticking point is what counted as the first betrayal.

Last Life: Scott and Pearl were teamed up (Scottage Duo/Galaxy Duo), and when Cleo was betrayed by BigB, Scott brought her in to their team, forming GGG. At the very end of the series, it was down to Scott and Pearl vs Ren and Martyn. When Scott killed Ren he said he had to because Ren killed Pearl. This is the healthiest they will ever be.

Double Life: The fault here is dependent on what you see as the first betrayal. If you haven’t seen this season, the gimmick is that they had soulmates who they shared a health bar with. If one took damage, the other did, and vice versa.

On day one, Pearl and Martyn decided to go to the nether together, something Martyn does every season he can, to gather supplies. Scott and Cleo ended up figuring out that those two had to be their soulmates because literally everyone else was teamed up and because they were taking damage constantly, which is typical of a nether trip. To Scott and Cleo, this is the first betrayal. Pearl and Martyn ditched them to go to the nether without caring about how their soulmate would also be taking damage.

When they got back, Pearl and Martyn went to look for their soulmates. Martyn set up a little game show at spawn that Scott and Cleo showed up to. When it was discovered that Scott and Pearl were soulmates, Scott announced that actually Cleo was already his soulmate and they didn’t want Pearl or Martyn, Martyn decided to pin the nether trip on Pearl, which was a lie btw, and he left her alone. To Pearl, this is the first betrayal. Pearl also, notably, has gotten a wolf on the first session that Martyn actually named Tilly, who she declares is her soulmate. It is at this point that Pearl starts to lean into the “Scarlet Pearl”/5AM Pearl persona which from her POV is very much a scorned, sad, lonely woman, but from everyone else’s POV is lowkey terrifying.

Cleo and Scott set up a “relationship ranch” to essentially be a couples counselor to other soulmate pairs. At some point they decide a good way to get back at their soulmates would be to axe crit each other, which does more damage than a sword strike. Cleo and Scott are also constantly talking about how much their soulmates suck all season, and are generally, by their own admission, the “mean girls” of the season.

Pearl at around the same time is approached by Scar, who felt cast aside by his soulmate and ally Grian, and Scar gives her the idea to use powdered snow, an item that does low but constant damage, so they can both annoy their soulmates. Pearl, after the axe crit, decides that two can play at the intentional damage game, and sits in the powdered snow with Scar. On multiple instances, both Pearl and Scott will stand in powdered snow while staring at each other, basically playing chicken with their health bars. Pearl also stands in powdered snow with Cleo at some point.

However, Pearl is 100% more reckless with their health than Scott. She lives a massive tower with only a ladder to get up and down that she constantly takes little bits of damage on, and she actually intentionally brings herself down to half a heart right in front of Scott by taking fall damage while taunting him. She is also responsible for their first death, having decided to try and steal a diamond chest plate from the Boat Boys (Joel and Etho) despite them being on red and thus allowed to kill.

There is also an incident in which Pearl decides to mess with Scott and Cleo by building a small hut on the bridge outside their home. Cleo responds by burning it, including doing damage to Tilly, who again Pearl has declared her soulmate. This seems to make Pearl really angry and upset and what started as playful teasing on both sides becomes actively malicious. It is worth noting that, rewatching DL, Pearl has no alliances that last more than maybe half a session. I haven’t watched Third Life, but as far as I can tell Pearl was the first person to ever have 0 allies all season, unless you count her occasional brushes with Scar where they were friendly enough or the time Ren and Martyn groveled to her out of desperation (After Ren had called her a demon with evil in her heart, but also gave her her second Tilly when the first one died. It’s complicated but not the point of this.)

At the end of the season, the last yellows were, ironically, the Divorce Quartet. Scott actually brings Pearl another wolf so she can breed up an entire dog army. The four of them hang out for part of the session, an event filled with snide comments on all sides, until Pearl goes off on her own again. Eventually Scott gets killed by Joel, bringing them down to red.

Pearl, by my own estimate, wins when she kills Impulse and BDubs and Martyn and Cleo on her own. This also starts the tradition of Pearl killing Cleo when she feels Cleo has betrayed her, as she only starts attacking after Martyn, who Cleo is now firmly allied with, shoots a firework at some of her dogs. The reason I say she won there is because the only person left is Scott. If they were any other soulmate pair, this may have been a double win, but unlike everyone else, these two weren’t allies. Scott blows himself up, killing himself and Pearl, but since he’s the one who actually died, Pearl is declared the victor.

Limited Life: This season actually starts relatively well for Cleo and Pearl, and Cleo and Scott. Cleo and Scott immediately make a side alliance, which is their default, and so do Cleo and Pearl. Scott and Cleo all season maintain their side alliance and generally are pretty friendly and willing to help each other out. Pearl teams up with BigB, who Cleo warns her about due to the fact that BigB has betrayed them before. Pearl both does not head this warning and is never betrayed by BigB.

Pearl and Scott get off to a rocky start immediately when she goes over to the island he has set up with Martyn. She immediately brings up last season, and it’s clear there’s still animosity between them, though it’s more playful this time.

Pearl and Cleo, by virtue of being neighbors, interact a lot more. The Clockers (Cleo, Scar, and Bdubs) set up by spawn on day one, mostly to watch the Bad Boys mansion burn after Cleo sets it on fire, and the Nosey Neighbors (Pearl and BigB) set up next to them so they can have a central point to watch everyone from (always watching).

Pearl and Cleo realize that they are going to go yellow at the same time, as they have the same amount of time left (the gimmick of limited life is that the players had 24 hours to live and could gain time by killing and lose time by dying). They decide to stand still and stare at each other while they turn yellow.

At some point, and I’m genuinely forgetting why, Scar decides to burn down some of the decorations on the Nosey Neighbor’s tower. I think it may have been that they promised the Clockers some TNT mine carts that they didn’t deliver on? Either way, Pearl takes this personally. Her and BigB both build a wall and dig a trench between them and the Clockers, showing that their tentative alliance is over.

Pearl, once yellow, decides to switch to her 5AM Pearl skin to mess with people and fails. Scott actually says at some point “Oh she thinks she can just put on a red skin and act crazy,” to mock her attempts at being scary. She does, however, successfully steal him and Martyn’s enchanting table, making them enemies.

The only person who does seem legit put off by her changing her skin is Cleo, who gets startled upon seeing her and says “Oh are we Scarlet Pearling this session?”

When Scott is on yellow and Cleo is on red, Scott lets Cleo kill him to gain more time, again solidifying their alliance. Scott ends up coming over at Pearl’s request in the final session and she tries to trap him to get BigB time. It doesn’t work. Scott ends up expressing that Pearl is a great ally to have, which BigB agrees with.

Cleo is the last of her alliance alive and is defending herself against Grian when Pearl comes in and decides to take the kill, the second time in a row that she has been Cleo’s final killer. Scott ends up killing BigB, Pearl’s ally, which puts him firmly on Pearl’s kill list as well.

Eventually the last people left are Scott and Martyn, who are allies, and Pearl and Impulse. Scott ends up chasing Pearl down and killing her, making this the second time he has been Pearl’s final killer.

Secret Life: On day one, Pearl and Scott end up coming across each other in the woods. Scott makes a joke about how it’s always the two of them. Pearl and Cleo also come across each other and end up splitting some bones that Cleo has so they can both tame a wolf. They make a side alliance called the “Puppo Alliance”, which is deeply millennial and hurt me to type. Cleo and Scott, as always, set up a side alliance.

Scott ends up teaming with Gem and Impulse, Cleo with Etho and eventually Grian, and Pearl with Mumbo, Bdubs, and Joel. The Joel thing is somewhat important because at this point it is evident that Joel’s #1 priority in any Life series is that Scott end up dead, though I don’t think Pearl took that into consideration when allying with him.

The gimmick of Secret Life was that they all had a secret task to do each session, which would give them hearts, a necessity as health did not regen so if you lost health you just lost it. One of Scott’s secret tasks was to say “I love you” to three people and have them say it back. When Scott tries this on Pearl, her only reaction is “Quite different from a certain series in the past, eh?” And she does not say “I love you” back, which Scott points out in the next session.

Pearl ends up apologizing the next session and says “I love you” to him. She is also forced into close proximity with him and helps his team build a zombie farmer, as her task is to be Impulse’s butler that session, who again is Scott’s ally.

At some point, Cleo’s dogs end up dying. To Cleo, this means the Puppo Alliance is over, though they neglect to inform Pearl of this. When Pearl gets hurt and offended at Cleo proceeding to kill some of her wolves, thinking they are still allies, Cleo laughs at her, implying that it’s obvious they can’t still be the Puppo Alliance if Cleo has no wolf. Pearl ends up taking Cleo’s yellow life, citing the wolf killing as her reason. Pearl also kills both of Cleo’s allies, Grian and Etho, this session, making her a firm enemy.

Generally speaking, Scott steers his alliance away from hurting Cleo and her alliance, and she does the same. However, after Cleo and Etho are both killed by Scar, Gem is free to kill Grian, the only remaining Roomie.

In the finale, Scott kills Pearl’s last remaining allies again, BDubs and Joel. She ends up teaming up with Scar, the second/third person to have no allies all season (Lizzie also had no allies this same season, unless you count Joel, her literal husband). The last four people are Pearl and Scar, and Scott and Gem. For the third time Pearl and Scott are in a final four of two alliance pairs, but this time on opposite sides. I’ve seen people talk about this as the two winners and their champions, and it really does feel that way.

Real Life: This was a one session April Fool’s special so you would think there isn’t much to say, but it’s shockingly chock full of GGG. One thing to note is that the players are far less “in character” due to this being an April Fool’s joke. The “gimmick” here was literally just that they were playing in Minecraft VR, which none of them knew how to play.

The first notable thing is that Cleo sets up a double chest and jokes that it will be her coffin for when Pearl inevitably kills her again. Pearl ends up giving her a flower which makes Cleo very happy.

While mining, Scott, Cleo, and Pearl meet up and, to quote,

“Is this the group? Oh, G-d we’ve done it again,”- Cleo

“Wait what?”-Pearl

“It’s Gatekeep, Girlboss, and Gaslight!”-Scott

“Oh Jeez. Alright, bring it in!”- Pearl

They group hug, they do the Macarena, Scott mines some blocks out from under Pearl because falling in VR is a weird experience, it’s all good.

Pearl, somehow, ends up with a dog again that she names Milly as a reference to Tilly. Milly ends up dying because dogs in Minecraft VR are even more janky than regular Minecraft. She, jokingly, lays down on the ground to cry. Since this is VR she genuinely lays down in real life to do this. Gem tries to reassure her by saying that at least she got to name it this time and Cleo says it’s worse when she names it, likely also referring to Pearl going off the deep end when Tilly died.

Before Pearl can fully get up, Cleo kills her. Scott takes this as his cue to start killing and he kills Martyn while Cleo kills Gem, leaving them as the final two. Scott, ironically, dies to an actual zombie, meaning that Cleo wins Real Life.

[wren-kitchens]

this one actually makes sense as a standalone fic tbh but it's too short for me to be bothered with formatting

anyway mumscarian with touch averse scar finding other ways to show affection! more specifically, stiff's no touchy scar <3

scar smiles to himself as he watches mumbo and grian from across the room. it’s midwinter, and it’s been snowing so incessantly since last night that they haven’t been able to leave the house all day, so they’re all cozied up indoors. 

buried under a mountain of blankets, scar is half asleep on the sofa, occasionally commenting on mumbo’s prowess (or lack thereof) in the mariokart game he’s playing against grian. grian is on the floor next to the other sofa, and the two are swapping with increasingly creative insults whenever the other wins.

scar is deeply amused by the whole situation. both mumbo and grian are as bad as each other when it comes to mariokart, and scar enjoys the annoyed squawking that grian makes whenever he mentions jimmy being better. mumbo, it seems, shares that enjoyment—though he stops laughing when scar brings up how badly he lost against martyn last time they’d played.

“you absolute-!” grian shouts suddenly, startling scar for a moment. “this is why you had to program grumbot to like you!”

mumbo bursts out laughing.

“that’s your best one yet!” mumbo grins. “oh, i’m gonna have to write some of these down.”

“already on it!” scar tells him, waving his phone. “so far i’ve got ‘you’re like if jimmy didn’t have good looks’, ‘scar could play better than you and he doesn’t have a controller’ and ‘when beyoncé said ‘to the left to the left’ she did not mean right now’.”

grian cackles. “I think I got that one from scott, i’ve been talking to him more lately.”

“I am telling jimmy about the first one.” scar grins. 

“no- you can’t tell him that!” grian squawks. “i’ll never hear the end of it!”

“I know.” scar says mischievously.

“it’s okay g,” mumbo reaches down to pat him on the shoulder, mock-comforting. “joel will make more fun of you than we ever could.”

“oh no.” grian groans into his hands.

“I owe joel so much for making fun of you when I can’t.” scar says solemnly.

“and martyn.” mumbo nods. “if anyone knows how to commit to a bit, it’s them.”

“hear hear.” grian says miserably, but when he moves his hands, he’s smiling. “another round?”

“you’re on.” 

scar leans back on the sofa and begins to gaze at them again, a syrupy pleasure pooling in his stomach. his eyes trace their features with utter adoration; the mischievous light that dances in grian’s eyes as he teases mumbo, the soft smile as mumbo tries to pretend he’s offended, the comfortable warmth that fills the room.

he loves the way grian’s whole face lights up as he laughs, the way his eyes crinkle in the corners, the way his giggles ring through the room. he loves how mumbo can’t quite disguise how much he’s enjoying himself, how his grin is fond and warm, how he keeps laughing to himself like he can’t help it.

wow. he really loves them, huh?

mumbo glances over at scar and sees him looking. he goes a little pink, but smirks playfully. “see something you like?” he teases.

immediately, grian whoops, and the words ‘you win!’ flash on his side of the screen. scar bursts out laughing at mumbo’s outraged expression as he realises what just happened.

“what?!” he exclaims, voice pitching higher. “wh- no, that can’t be fair, scar distracted me!”

“hey, I was staring at you both equally.” scar teases, and something warm blooms in his chest as grian blushes. “you just happened to look at me.”

“scar, you’re just too pretty.” grian says solemnly. 

“oh.” scar pouts, mock-upset. “okay. i’ll just.. leave, I guess..”

he starts to stand up, and both mumbo and grian shout at once for him to stay.

“nuh uh, I didn’t mean that in a bad way.” grian says. “I will get one of those.. shepherd hook thingies and I will keep you in this room!” 

scar laughs, imagining it. “g, I love you, but do you really think you have the strength for that?”

grian squawks in protest and mumbo cackles. “it’s okay, i’ll help you.”

scar raises an eyebrow. “do you think you have the strength for that?”

“hey!” mumbo exclaims, and scar giggles at the twin outraged expressions on his partners’ faces. “neither do you!”

“I never said I did.” scar says cheerfully.

grian sticks his tongue out at scar, who copies him.

“one more game?” mumbo offers.

“whoever wins this one gets to eat the first cookie I decorate.” scar tells them. he has never seen two people look more determined in his life.

scar could never understand the people who would tell him that he ‘couldn’t really love someone’ because he refused to hug anyone, or that if he loved someone, he’d make an exception. even before he was old enough to know to what extent, he’d always known it was bullshit. 

but now..

gosh. scar doesn’t think it could be possible to be more in love than he is with mumbo and grian, and he still doesn’t hug them. in fact, he thinks he might have fallen deeper into love when he realised just how much they respect that about him—no strings attached.

as he watches mumbo whoop in sheer delight, getting to his feet and jumping on the spot to celebrate his victory, and grian struggling immensely to look truly upset as mumbo picks him up and spins him around, scar doesn’t think there could be any better partners in the world. 

so maybe they show love in different ways. if he had the chance, scar wouldn’t change a single thing.

[thecoolerliauditore]

I need your thoughts on Martyn.

Jesus Christ in heaven where to start.

I was planning to write massive essay posts about each of the winners sooner or later, I guess Martyn can skip the queue. As a treat.

BAD traffic series martyn analysis post don't read. LONG POST

note: rules I'm operating by are to keep the analysis primarily traffic-based (although this one's kind of an exception because. mr watcher lore) and I'm not rewatching entire POVs so stuff might be wrong so on so forth

Why is he... Like that?

So before I even start talking about 3L I feel the need to address Martyn's background first because, not unlike alot of the other members of the cast, Martyn's previously established relationships from series like Evo have a significant impact on how he behaves.

This is kind of difficult for me to talk about because it breaks my "no material outside of the traffic series" rule for these essays specifically, but I think it's honestly just more fun incorporating Martyn's off-series lore drops and such into his character instead of leaving them out.

So here's the basis I work from -- Martyn is the most unreliable narrator in a full cast of them. His lore is his character's version of events, not an unbiased retelling.

Whether the Watchers exist and whether they're the same entities present in Evo doesn't matter all that much, since all we know is that they are very real to Martyn, at least. Taking the lore as Martyn's POV also helps iron out some of the more awkward creases it creates when viewing the series as a whole (e.g. Grian's involvement with the Watchers surely means he would reference them himself, yet he doesn't) and lays the groundwork for some really interesting things about Martyn himself when you try to put the dots together on how he arrived at these conclusions. I'll be referencing these as they come up chronologically.

So, without over complicating things, here are the rules I'm playing by when it comes to pre-3L Martyn:

Evo did really happen with the same people, however the exact details are muddy.

Martyn knew Jimmy prior to the games and the two already had some sort of personal connection going in.

We're not trusting a word out of his mouth. Especially if he says them on stream. But we are going to acknowledge what those words are.

With those parameters set, let's move on:

Third Life, and the guy who gets a little too into it

Like Grian, Martyn immediately acclimates to the game's survival-based mechanics. Martyn spends a good chunk of the first session of 3L seemingly aimless, but he makes observations and choices throughout that show he has survival at the back of his mind (e.g. him quickly establishing an alliance with Grian and Bigb while sneakily putting them in his debt through the diamonds he finds early -- even if this doesn't end up paying off to anything).

Unlike Grian however, Martyn less desperately clings onto a need for an edge to survive and seems almost comfortable in playing the game. A running theme for him throughout all the seasons will be that he seems to feel most comfortable when he has some amount of unspoken power over others, whether that be something as silly as testing the waters with his creeper soundboard or later when he starts playing 4D chess with himself in regard to his loyalties.

"Power" might be not exactly the right word for what Martyn yearns for, but it's the best word I can find to really describe it. He's always the one with a card up his sleeve or a plan B or, arguably most importantly, the one with control over the situation and responsibility over his own and others' wellbeing.

In my mind, at least, I think it might be a consequence of Martyn actually being quite sensitive in terms of relationships and having this very deep-seeded need to protect his loved ones from harm but lacking the emotional intelligence necessary to allow himself to be vulnerable about those feelings and communicate properly. So instead he finds some way to protect himself emotionally (usually overdramatic and makes him way worse) and treats everyone including himself with a level of un-seriousness that alleviates the tension for him.

If I were to dig deeper into this specific point I must say Martyn seems to have chosen to perform a very specific breed of masculinity, with his constant agonizing need to protect and lead while not having to confront his own perceived weaknesses, and alot of his insecurities and frustrations come from being denied that husband-y role to play.

His interactions with Jimmy early on in 3L portray this side of him quite plainly. After seeing Scott hit him around at Renchanting, Martyn gets Jimmy alone and asks him if he's okay but after Jimmy dodges the question, Martyn quickly becomes frustrated and starts acting very overdramatic (e.g. threatening to cut Jimmy off, "I can't look at you", so on) even as Jimmy keeps insisting they keep talking.

In my humble opinion, it's clear to me from how he speaks to Jimmy in this scene and further on, and from his referencing of their Evo relationship, that this is these two's established dynamic - the way Martyn dramatizes everything feels almost as if he were making a joke of it, teasing Jimmy, almost akin to how an older sibling or very old friend would act. It's possible that Martyn didn't expect Jimmy to take any of his threats seriously (although he definitely was laying on the pressure to try and get him to agree in the moment) and that's why he's so taken aback when Jimmy does act almost afraid of him from this point forward.

Not once does Martyn ever verbalize his own feelings regarding the matter. He never says that he's scared or worried for Jimmy, or even makes any sort of subjective judgment on Scott's character for hitting Jimmy in the first place. He makes it all about Jimmy, never communicating *why* he is doing what he's doing which ends up giving off the impression he thinks he knows what's best for him, which of course never communicates to Jimmy that Martyn cares for or loves him and ends up pushing him away as a result.

Speaking of Scott, despite Martyn clearly not approving of the way he treats Jimmy (judging from the aforementioned conversation and his later lore streams where he essentially calls Scott and Jimmy's marriage a sham), he does not ever act antagonistically towards Scott. Which I think is indicative of another key trait of Martyn's - an almost uncanny ability to push aside his own feelings at least momentarily for the sake of the game.

Martyn does not speak badly to or about Scott. He even explores the nether with him very early on and the two literally joke about trapping the Flower Valley and killing Jimmy together.

I think there's an understanding and perhaps a level of respect, on Martyn's end, towards Scott. One of the first observations he makes about Scott's base, after all, is its defensive location and Scott, like Martyn, values his own competency and likes to pretend he's more emotionally unattached to his partner than he really is (the parallels between Martyn/Ren and Scott/Jimmy are even somewhat lampshaded by Martyn himself when he refers to them as "my red" (Ren) and "your red" (Jimmy) later).

It seems that Martyn doesn't dislike anything innate to Scott's nature, and even has love for his manipulative traits. If it were anyone other than Jimmy Scott was hitting, I'd argue, Martyn wouldn't have raised a fuss about it. Not to mention, there's also a sense of "keeping your enemies closer" when it comes to these two, as both seem acutely aware the other is useful on their side and a threat anywhere else.

I'd argue despite the fact he's able to push his dislike towards Scott aside, he definitely still feels spiteful towards him, as he ends up hunting him down pretty mercilessly come the end of the series (after Jimmy dies too - so perhaps there was also a level there of feeling the need to put up with Scott beforehand as he was Jimmy's only ally, but now that Jimmy's gone there isn't any need to be friendly with Scott anymore.)

Now onto the heavy-hitter Martyn 3L relationship - his dynamic with Ren.

I'll be honest I think most treebark shippers have summed up their relationship way better than I could. You could probably go into the tag and see thirty eight analysis posts more indepth and accurate than mine. However I will say that one thing I see rarely mentioned is this very obviously being Martyn's first time meeting Ren (I'm talking about characters here but here is your acknowledgement this is definitely a result of this literally being the case for the CCs).

He's not used to Ren's mannerisms -- during their first meeting, Ren says his usual "ex-squeeze me" (instead of "excuse me") and Martyn responds "no thankyou, I'm married". Not to get too into it as this is The Martyn Post but Ren's POV would imply the same since he sees Martyn's name in chat and he immediately starts theorizing about what kind of player he is.

I think Ren essentially being a stranger to Martyn at the start of the series makes it easier for him to act manipulatively and keep him at arm's length, as well as be in denial about the whole emotional attachment thing. For so much of their alliance during 3L Martyn is acting, performing to match Ren's vibes, except he's not.

^this quote and the concept of freudian slips informs like 88% of my worldview, if anyone's wondering why I'm. like that.

"The Hand" is very much not how Martyn naturally acts or behaves, down to the change in speaking patterns. It's a persona that I think both Ren and Martyn never take too seriously or mistake for Martyn's authentic self, but it's also something Martyn uses to express his innermost feelings he disallows himself from usually. Yes it's all silly even in-universe but I think there's something special about how he constantly expresses his devotion as The Hand, even if he's doing it with a layer of irony. Plus, I think it says something that, jumping later in the timeline, his flashbacks in LimLife are much more true to the character of The Hand than Martyn himself.

This section is already long enough but I do have to mention Bigb, Grian and Scar or I'll explode.

Earlier on, I touched on Martyn giving Grian and Bigb diamond swords early and it being an attempt to leverage an alliance between them. This I admit might be a slight reach however the reason I say that is Martyn continues to pursue Bigb and Grian as allies throughout the season.

Bigb is cut and dry enough, he ends up floating around the outside of Dogwarts as a not-quite-member after the siege in which pretty much half the sever were antagonized by Grian and Scar. I'm probably not the person to thoroughly dissect Martyn/Bigb but there's something interesting there about how alot of people tend to have this general fondness towards Bigb and Martyn is no exception.

As for Grian, Martyn acknowledges that Grian is responsible for the siege, possible moreso than Scar, but keeps questioning how "gone" he is, worded as if he believes Scar is manipulating him. I've seen people compare this to how he acts towards Jimmy and Scott which I can definitely see the throughline. However, I think while both are an example of Martyn's protector/saviour complex, they are innately different due to Martyn's relationships with both the perceived victim and captor in each case.

Despite Grian also being an ex-Evo member, Martyn does not act towards him with the same familiarity he does with Jimmy. He also brings up Grian's welfare with Bigb and not Grian himself, with Bigb being the other person involved in their earlier established sword alliance. To me, it feels as if Martyn is more testing the waters for if he can still get Grian on his side than out of any genuine concern for Grian, although it is possible he's projecting some of those leftover feelings regarding Jimmy's situations onto Grian and Scar.

The other reason is, I think, Martyn might genuinely be afraid of Scar himself and villainizing him as a result. Everytime Scar shows up in Martyn's POV he's paired with tense music and sporadic editing that makes him appear more unhinged. Martyn has also said on tumblr he found Scar intimidating at the time, which is of course a dubiously canon source but I find it applicable enough.

It makes sense, too. When you compare Martyn's treatment of Scar vs his treatment of Scott. These are both people he has recognized as real threats and he assumes both are manipulating their respective partners, but while he remains friendly (at least outwardly) towards Scott he's constantly wary of Scar, drawing weapons on him pretty much on sight even before the siege.

I think Martyn fears Scar because he doesn't understand Scar. Scott is someone like him who he knows the inner workings of, or at least that's what he believes, so while he doesn't care for him he doesn't feel a need to keep him away. Martyn always assumes a level of coordinated malice from Scar that is more than often either completely unfounded or a result of something originating from Grian (my favourite example of this is, right before the siege, Scar wanders over with his bee on a lead and Martyn starts yelling "he's got a bee! what does that mean?!" as if expecting the bee has some pvp reason behind it. when scar just wanted to have a bee).

That isn't to say that Scar isn't malicious - Martyn is right like 90% of the time that Scar's not-so-subtle friendly hellos have some sinister plan behind them, but he doesn't ever truly get that Scar isn't the evil mastermind he thinks he is.

I'd argue this fear is what also makes Martyn not pick up on the fact that Grian is the more manipulative one out of the two - something that even Scott seems aware of - because he never spends enough time with them on friendly terms to be aware of that dynamic.

Last Life AKA big brother syndrome in full blast

Okay that was a long ass section sorry lmao have to establish everything there. Everything from here on is gonna be a lot cleaner I swear.

The Southlanders could honestly have their own ultra-long post about how they're the perfect disaster team-up lord of the flies esque situation the series has to offer.

Impulse, Grian and Martyn are all similar in that they understand they have to play the game a certain way through keeping their loyalties dubious while Mumbo, as a newcomer, is extremely naive and goes along with whatever the more assertive members of the group say. And Jimmy is Jimmy.

Martyn takes on a leadership role within the group, being the one to constantly spearhead their humour and come up with new often disruptive plans (usually targetting Scott because he totally isn't spiteful still, albeit in a very playful way). After Joel traps their base with tnt minecarts, Martyn is the one to keep everyone else back and disarm them, a huge contrast to 3L's siege.

Their group embraces the rules of the game - if you turn red, as Grian does early on, you are kicked out from the group as a threat. There's this sinking feeling throughout all their spyglass shenanigans and life-trade trust exercises that this is still an alliance in a death game and if you prove yourself to be a detriment, you will be kicked out.

It's no wonder than why Jimmy, who gets his usual bottom of the barrel treatment, tries to run away with Martyn's life during one of their trust exercises. He's been shown at this point he can't fully trust the Southlanders to protect him forever -- how could he, when Martyn, again, never slips in any sign of affection between the teasing?

To Martyn, however, this is a betrayal of his trust. His plea to Jimmy to return sounds a lot like their conversation back in 3L on the snowy mountain regarding Jimmy and Scott, except this time Jimmy accepts Martyn's offer and Martyn tells him he was lying, calling him an idiot for believing him in the first place. This is probably the harshest Martyn acts towards Jimmy in the series, but it's worth mentioning that to Martyn the timeline of events goes he offers Jimmy his protection and alliance--> Jimmy refuses--> Jimmy dies (which Martyn probably sees at least partially due to said refusal) --> he gets Jimmy back and does everything in his power to keep him safe --> Jimmy does the equivalent of *killing him* and tries to get away with it.

Martyn still obviously cares about Jimmy despite being upset at him, as after his usual dramatics and declaring a trial for Jimmy in which each of the Southlanders vote on his fate, Martyn still votes to keep Jimmy in the group (again, something Jimmy is never made aware of).

Possibly partially because of the Jimmy incident and the overall dog-eat-dog culture of the Southlanders, Martyn does to them what he never managed with Dogwarts - betrayal. At least, on some level.

Ironically, it's Ren he betrays them for, forming the Shadow Alliance and even giving the life Jimmy had attempted to steal from him to Ren instead. My read of this has always been that it supported Martyn truly being happy enough for Jimmy or someone else to have his extra life, but Jimmy's act of betraying him itself being what hurt him.

I think now's a good time to start mentioning the Watcher Lore, as here is where it starts kicking into gear. Martyn's claims of emotional bonds not carrying over from previous seasons is not only a very natural progression from his emotional distancing in a coping mechanism sense, but also enables him to betray Ren too later on and not have to confront the guilt that comes with that when he tries to lead him into a tnt trap in the final 1v1v1v1. However, he still cheers for Ren as a ghost and even says that he would be happy to see Ren win, indicating he really does not hold any malice towards him.

I've seen people make jokes about the watcher lore being Martyn schizoposting and I'm sure I've made similar jokes in the past but. Speaking very genuinely here Martyn's questionable sanity is a big part of his character to me.

His Episode 8 of LL literally begins with him acting out the usual running joke of him stealing Mumbo's intro, except Mumbo and Jimmy are dead at this point and he is doing their voices and talking to himself. When the illusion is broken, he panics and the video immediately cuts to him running around obviously distressed with a disembodied voice demanding things from him.

I'm obviously not authorized to diagnose every single one of Martyn's many mental illnesses, but I think mentally breaking down in a timeloop death game is a fairly average thing to happen to someone, and Martyn might be especially susceptible due to his aforementioned need for power and responsibility in every relationship (i.e. I'd like to think he feels some helplessness/guilt over Jimmy and Mumbo's deaths, leading to this sequence).

Not to mention, someone who is emotionally vulnerable coming up with a nebulous Group of Evil People who are the source of all the bad things in a helpless situation of violence is. Something that happens historically quite alot. To try and find reason in the madness is just a human instinct, I think.

One thing I feel like I should mention is his "marriage" with Mumbo which. I honestly don't see as anything more than a gag. Not that Martyn isn't a massive hypocrite but "marrying" Mumbo would be very much contradict what he has to say about Scott/Jimmy's situation. I do think he cares for Mumbo and potentially Mumbo's naivete served as incentive for Martyn to put on the usual assertive/provider role but I don't think there's much more than that (no hate to the shippers, tho, if they knew eachother for like a week longer they would've kissed)

Double Life. Oh no

Double Life Martyn is one of my favourite POVs in the series because it is. Hilarious. Unfortunately.

To start off, he is one of the players who almost immediately accepts the soulbound system as romantic and his views on Cleo/Scott's relationship are heavily based on that (I love that one clip where he mocks them in front of Jimmy).

Him acting flabbergasted at Cleo rejecting him despite pretty much having no relationship with her prior to this season is a really funny contrast to Scott and Pearl, especially when he continues pursuing her like they're recently divorced and Cleo's just like. rolling her eyes. It's all very performative on Martyn's end and why I mentioned his sense of masculinity at the start, because in theme with DL being The Feminism Season TM this is when it comes full throttle in display with the way he treats Cleo.

Martyn keeps referring to himself as a "provider" and refers to Cleo's relationship with Scott as "childish" -- Martyn trying to win over Scott's partner to his side, assuming he knows best for the partner and calling their relationship a sham? Does any of this sound familiar?

Cleo is not like Jimmy, however, and is very clear to Martyn in terms of what she wants from him - which is an apology, no diamond swords or heart-shaped houses, but Martyn in all his emotional denseness can't understand this and keeps assuming there must be some hidden strings attached.

I couldn't find the original meme I had in mind but these are within the same genre. The one I remember had captioned something like "dads don't say "i love you" but they will buy ten boxes worth of the fruit they overheard you say you liked once", which pretty much sums up Martyn's emotional intelligence to me. He would much rather give you way too much of something he thinks you need (e.g. with Jimmy the playful teasing, with Cleo the acts of service) than just say "I love you".

Cleo's blunt honesty serves as a stark contrast to Jimmy and brings something out of Martyn that we rarely ever see -- a genuine, vulnerable interaction in which he has to admit he's hurt. Cleo immediately denies him the role of rescuer he wants to play by telling him directly that she, not Scott, was the one who came up with the idea of teaming up and even gets Martyn to verbalize he's hurt by their actions and cares for her.

Once that illusion is shattered for Martyn and Cleo even admits she's acting manipulatively towards Scott, Martyn realises he and Cleo are more alike than he initially assumed and that he doesn't need to take care of her like he always tries to with his relationships. Ironically, the one relationship he has that is born almost entirely out of government mandated performative romance, is the one that gets him to examine how he views people especially his romantic interests the most.

This is, of course, all said with the fact that following this very heartfelt moment, the next time he speaks to Cleo he pushes her off a fucking cliff and kills her in mind. And the fact that he was very much beating the shit out of her and even called their relationship "toxic" himself early on in the season.

It's kind of hard to gauge Cleo and Martyn's relationship from this point forward but Martyn definitely chills on the namecalling and cooperates with Scott and Cleo for the main part going forward.

I think it's also worth mentioning that, despite Scott once again being the object of his spite, Martyn is once again friendly with Scott all season. When he catches Cleo and Scott mid-axe crit, it's Cleo he starts hitting and not Scott, despite them both being responsible. Behind his back, Martyn will claim Scott is "ruining" Cleo but to his face Martyn is always respectful. He actually even calls Scott "pretty"/"hot" in the last episode, which has some implications I'll talk about more in the Limlife section.

Martyn, like everyone else, is weird about Pearl. Uniquely in his case, Pearl isn't a witch nor demoness, but rather a non-factor he seems to have had written off and her triumph in the end comes as a shock to his system.

He dismisses her concerns over and over in the first episode as they are exploring together and, instead of seeing her as a natural source of allyship, doesn't value her enough to keep her around as an alliance even after Scott and Cleo dump them. In his heart to heart with Cleo, he even very randomly speaks badly of her, although he immediately seems to feel a bit of guilt over it.

He never seems to view Pearl through a sympathetic lens despite the two being in the same circumstance and, again in the same conversation with Cleo, they both agree that she could act as essentially a pawn (an "extra healthbar") for them like Cleo uses Scott.

I feel the need to clarify that while, yes I do believe Martyn is Weird About Women, I also do think he's honestly above average and sees them more as people than some other men in the series (note: my standards are not very high)

He sees most people as nothings that can be manipulated or competition that also can be manipulated, it just so happens that all the women in the series so far land squarely in the former and it took Cleo saying to his face "I'm taking advantage of Scott" for him to realise she wasn't a victim. However, even afterwards, he never treats her with the same competitiveness he has for people like Scott and Scar (albeit it makes enough sense in this season since she's attached to his healthbar, but this remains the same for future seasons). And as a reminder, he holds respect for those he deems as threats, which might have something to do with why he feels comfortable hitting Cleo but not Scott.

As for Ren and the Broken Hearts Club, they didn't get a lot of time together this season since both were preoccupied with their own soulmate dramas and being awful to Pearl but what we do see of them ranges from heartwarmingly nostalgic to a little bit hollow. Martyn saying to Pearl that they're the same at this point doesn't really read to me as him being truly sympathetic since this is post the "you should go use pearl as your second hp bar" conversation and Ren is way too busy to deal with the emotional turmoil of what's going on between himself and Bigb to really pay attention to Martyn.

Ren is still very kind to Martyn, especially considering the last time he saw him in LL Martyn was trying to kill him, but there's an emotional gap between the two that's very noticeable at least to me when compared to 3L and LL.

I think Martyn, at this point, convinced of his own "emotional bonds don't carry over seasons" logic, might be a bit too comfortable on relying on Ren. In both DL and LL he runs to Ren when his current alliance gets shaky and Ren is a source of definite comfort for him (as he said so himself on stream). Ren, as a source of comfort, is not a threat to Martyn aka not someone he needs to keep tabs so when said source of comfort falls through the gaps, you get:

Limited Life. The one where he compares himself to Joffrey from GOT

I don't think I have much to say about LimLife Martyn that hasn't already been said.

I will say I don't necessarily think Majorwood is purely his rebound relationship from Ren, the Mean Gills forming is very much not OOC for either Scott or Martyn (this is pretty much how they acted with eachother at the start of 3L) and their resulting give and take coworker-esque dynamic is a very natural place for them to end up from their previous interactions. Scott, like Martyn, tries to shed his emotional attachments with each new season so they are, in a very literal sense, making eachother worse by reinforcing that habit by normalizing it to eachother.

However, the parallels to their respective 3L partnerships I can't blame people for pointing out, right down to Martyn killing both Ren and Scott in the seaons he was teamed with them and the latter being happy about it.

I think it's time to say what I've been implying with Scott and Martyn throughout this whole thing and that is that they are eachother's ideal ally. They are both aware of the game, play the game, emotionally distant, manipulative and make themselves suffer more for that mindset. I don't think there was ever a moment in their allyship where either assumed the other wasn't going to stab them in the back later, despite the mutual respect they have being very real.

Martyn spends a lot of time this season just wandering around talking to various people, alot like how he acted in 3L before he and Ren became an official thing. It's almost as if, without Ren there, he loses his default go-to guy and is once again sizing up the competition around him.

The one exception I would say would be his interactions with Cleo, who he seems genuinely friendly with, even offering himself up as a "godfather" for the Clockers before the whole server became some form of extended family. You'd think this alliance would also have some basis in the ever present Scott/Cleo alliance but Scott's constant sacrifices for the Clockers are never discussed between him and Martyn, in fact the two of them rarely talk about anything ever past base-building and dolphin-wrangling, and the Clockers seem to treat them as two seperate entities rather than an alliance (e.g. Bdubs seems almost entitled to Scott's life after a certain point, but none of them ever even consider asking Martyn for time).

That, and of course the fact that Martyn kills Scott very unsympathetically towards the end, really point me in the "Martyn is still spiteful towards Scott" direction -- after all, alliance or no alliance, I don't think Martyn would want to be in the conversation with Scott where he tells him about his "love you back" exchange with Jimmy. Martyn certainly respects Scott, loves Scott I'd even say, but I don't know if he actually likes Scott.

I think it's also interesting that it's this season where Martyn's Watcher Lore interludes make a return, just in time for his source of comfort (Ren) to be missing.

Re: the watcher lore the comment Martyn makes about swapping out souls of players who are too "damaged" is very in line with his DL seeing women (and "weaker" men like Jimmy, Mumbo and, of course, Ren) as default victims as, knowingly or not, he implies through this that all the women in the series have souls too weak to withstand the horrors. This also in turn implies that he himself is not broken, which I think he'd like to believe.

Secret Life. It's happy again :D oh wait no

Secret Life starts with Martyn kissing Jimmy. I feel like we moved on from this way too fast in general I mean on the cheek or not he did kiss him he did literally kiss him.

I'll be honest I think the Big Dogs POV is the one I'm least familiar with out of all of these but from what I do remember it's very nice to see Martyn and Jimmy settling back into what seems like their Evo dynamic or even their pre-horrors LL dynamic.

Unfortunately Jimmy is not Cleo and thus cannot get Martyn to be the slightest bit vulnerable, so their dynamic remains stagnant and neither acknowledge the awkwardness that still resides between them.

Jimmy is at least very clearly holding onto some discomforts, judging by his behaviour late in the series when he acts aggressively towards Pearl and celebrates Lizzie dying. He even chases Scott down with a sword on horseback earlier on and, very early in one of Pearl's episodes, he quickly switches between sounding sad and angry.

It's clear to me at least SL Jimmy has reached some sort of breaking point, and this never gets acknowledged by Martyn (I like to think he just lacks the EQ to deal with it). This all cascades into Jimmy attempting to kill Martyn and running away before dying.

SL Martyn feels almost like, to me, the 3L Martyn who successfully convinced Jimmy to team with him and the disaster that comes with that. Martyn certainly has continued to be his survivalist self, not trusting outsiders to the point where when the Wither/Warden combo is unleashed, he immediately assumes they're picking off reds and goes to hide.

Weirdly enough, his protective tendencies towards Jimmy are pretty much gone. It's almost as if when he doesn't see an active threat (e.g. Scott) he assumes things must be good enough and leaves it at that, which also implies he can't comprehend that He might be detrimental to Jimmy himself.

Obligatory. Yes he still misses Ren. Him literally basing his alliance concept off of dogs is. hilarious. I'm so sorry babygirl.

Real Life is, again, non-canon to me but turns up the "dad who buys you 45 mandarins" energy to 11 with him being Ren and Skizz's pseudo-dad. I love Ren having a crisis about his own RP btw it's the funniest thing and he does it like. Everytime.

Uh yeah I hope that's long enough

[ivys-garden]

Here's a clearer version of the Hermit Falls Zodiac (+ the og Journal Page)

Here's everyone's roles in the au:

Sunbeam & Cresent Moon: Grian & Pearl (Dipper & Mabel) - twins of divorced parents who were sent to a Nowhere town for autumn break to reconnect after being separated. Currently living with their great uncle Scar. When Grian finds a strange journal in the woods he and Pearl become obsessed with uncovering the secrets of this town. Ps, Tilly is Waddles :3

Top Hat: Scar (Stan) - the twins Grunkle and the proprietor of Trader Scars: The House Of Wonders!, a local tourist trap. He seems to spend a lot of time in the basement.

Lowercase i: Impulse (Soos) - local handyman at Trader Scars, father figure for the twins.

Cool S: Skizz (Wendy) - cashier at Trader Scars, generally laid back but will deck you if you hurt his friends

Rocket Ship: Cub (Ford) - genius scientist who lived in Hermit Falls decades ago, Scar says he jumped towns and left the Trader Scars building to him, but no one's heard from him since

Fancy Mustache: Mumbo (McGucket) - local mad inventor living in the junkyard. Insists his name is "Big Ron" Cub always looked guilty when he saw him…

Gemstone: Gem (Pacifica) - daughter of a rich family staying in Hermit Falls on a business trip. gets bored and decides to have a rivalry with Pearl. Just cuz

Old Skull: Cleo (Robbie) - local artist and mortician. Sorta tried to kill Pearl on her first week in Hermit Falls. Tensions were high between them and Grian after that

@ Symbol: Joe Hills (Gidion) - owner of a rival tourist trap: Joe Hills’ Tent O’ Magic, where he puts on dazzling acts of poetry, music, Puppet shows and magic tricks. Everyone seems to like him, but Scar doesn't trust him

Joel (Bill) - interdimensional Demon watching over Gravity Falls. Burt his home dimension to the ground. Still hears her his friends in the back of his mind. Why did he do it?

Will I continue this? Maybe? I'm busy atm but I like the concept. I've sketched some designs but nothing I'm super happy with so far.

Ps If any of yall can come up with a surname that fits Pearl, Grian & Scar (maybe Cub two not devided if him and Scar are brothers yet) that would be cool ;)

Also, well done to @harley-the-pancake & @octopus-defence-squad at correctly decoding almost everything! I'd give you cookies if I could

[notsogoodangel]

Traffic Series: Who is the best player?

I was watching this video by Eddache in which he investigated who won the Wacky Races, in which he made a point to differentiate who won the most first places AND who is consistently the best player (such as who always came in second place), and I wanted to do the same.

This was very easy because, luckily, the Traffic SMP wiki (which I usually don't like to use) did give me the order of elimination for each season, so I didn't have to go through the last 2 to 3 episodes of every season just to do it. It was just a time saver.

Some disclaimers:

THIS IS NOT ABOUT KILLS, IS ABOUT POSITIONS ON WHO DIES FIRST. Kills require skill, but that is not as necessary as just surviving. Is a survival game after all. Plus there are plenty of graphs that show who has killed the most in a certain season across all seasons.

Originally I wanted to use the Nascar/F1/Mario Kart scoring system since it made the most sense, and is technically what inspired this investigation. The problem is that it doesn't give points after 10th-12th place, which wouldn't work for a game with 14-17 players.

Instead, what I did for the scoring system is that I put the number they placed (ex. Jimmy came in 14th), divided by the number of players in the season, and then divided those numbers by the number of seasons they have played. The reason why is because, for example, Mumbo placed 16th in a season but only played for 2 seasons, his number will be bigger than Jimmy, who has come in last every season and is, objectively, a worse player.

This is still not a perfect system because some players only have played once or twice, so I don't have enough data to truly reflect their average. Although the players who only played once or twice (Mumbo, Lizzie, and Gem), are about where you believe them to be.

Lastly, despite Double Life having pairs dying at the same time, I did give them individual scores. The reason is because there IS a real winner in that season, so I just used the positions they used in the wiki. I don't know why they gave them those positions, but I just used them for simplicity.

There are some ties, but what I did in those cases: I just chose who was on top based on another table I did, but didn't end up using because of the previous Mumbo-Jimmy problem. So, I will just use it as a tied break and fun facts!

ALRIGHT LET'S SEE THE RESULTS!!!!

PEARL IS THE BEST PLAYER!!!! SLAY QUEEN!!!

Here's the results in order:

PearlescentMoon

GeminiTay

Scott Smajor

Martyn Inthelittlewood

GoodTimesWithScar

Grian

impulseSV

RenDog

BdoubleO100

Ethoslab

Joel SmallishBeans

BigB/Bigbst4tz2

ZombieCleo

TangoTek

Skizzleman

Lizzie LDShadowLady

Mumbo Jumbo

Jimmy Solidarity

To be completely honest, I was surprised that Pearl is one of the best players. She is usually someone that people, players, and fans, don't tend to pay much attention to in this aspect. Like, THIS GIRL HAS NEVER BEING IN A PLACE LOWER THAN 4TH.

We know that Scott (3rd) is usually one of the last to survive and is almost a good luck charm for whoever he is allied with, or the players calling Martyn (4th) a survivalist and constantly considered a threat, and both know how to play the game VERY well, but people don't do that with Pearl.

What I was most interested was that middle section because we all knew that Jimmy, Lizzie, Mumbo, and Skizz are the worst players in the entire series. Everyone is very much aware of it, including themselves.

Who could have guessed that Grian is, statistically, a worse player than Scar. Grian and Scar have won once each, but Scar is consistently in 9th place aside from 3rd and Secret, while Grian is all over the place. He sometimes is on 4th, and sometimes he is 10th. Which is the same with Impulse, who he is tied with score-wise.

Fun fact: Etho and Joel, and BigB and Cleo, were tied in the other table that I didn't end up using, and that is reflected here in which all of them are VERY close to each other score-wise. So, if Etho is washed out/bad at PvP, Joel is, and BigB and Cleo are worse about it and shouldn't say anything about it.

Bdubs, Ren, and Tango are so interesting to me, because what do you mean Bdubs is better than half of the server???? How is Tango so bad he is under that big dip (He is 14th with 0.74, and Cleo the 13th is 0.56)!?! HOW DID I FORGET REN WAS 2ND PLACE IN LAST LIFE?!?!?! IS THAT REALLY MY WET PATHETIC DOG OF HERMITCRAFT SEASON 10?!?!

Also, here's the table with every place of every player and how many players were in any given season, for easier understanding:

PS: The winners of every season are the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th best players. It might help their overall average, but not fully because Impulse has the same score as Grian(6th), and has never won a game. As I mentioned, Pearl has never been a placed lower than 4th, and aside from Martyn and Scott hitting 10th and 11th, are always in the top half.

[ahllohehn]

Uh, here's the infodump of another hermitshipping AU I have no confidence I will finish. As another answer to Castor's ask

For all his life, Mumbo believed that he was difficult to love. Though, yes, he was quite tall, gentlemanly, and had a lovely mustache– features that would attract plenty of people, but that’s not enough to show the world how much of a mess he actually is.

He preferred work over playing, spectating over participating, making art instead of finding love… Yeah, Mumbo had long concluded that he wasn’t cut out for a married life at all.

So when someone as lovely as Grian came around saying; “I like you.” Mumbo found it hard to believe. 

At the time, Mumbo had thought that Grian approached him either out of pity or because some friend had dared him to. At least, the blonde man had <i> looked </i> like he was forced there, judging by the way he kept fidgeting on the spot and was so red in the face he couldn’t meet Mumbo’s eyes. So Mumbo, without even questioning anything else, had just agreed to go out with him in hopes that he would help out the man from whatever predicament he got himself in.

At the time, he thought the relief and surprise on Grian’s face had been a silent expression of gratefulness for Mumbo’s mercy- for just agreeing to date him to get things over with. The raven haired man thought that he was being a hero to the gentleman in distress.

Mumbo went through about 15 dates with the man, suppressing urges to actually fall in love, fully expecting Grian to eventually break up and fess up that he won the bet with his friends and that they could both finally go back to their individual boring lives.

Mumbo waited.

Waited even after he took Grian into his apartment after his family had kicked him out.

Waited even after the 5 cups of coffee he brewed for Grian when was having a particularly busy night for an architectural project.

Waited even after they were both able to get up on the stage and get their diplomas together.

Waited even after they celebrated getting their first jobs together.

Even after deciding to get a house together…

Even after deciding to sleep on the same bed…

Even after they exchanged vows…

And it was during dinner when Mumbo was zoning out did he realize; 

“Wait, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go,” he mumbled out in surprise, causing Grian beside him to raise an eyebrow at him in confusion.

“What wasn’t how it was supposed to go?”

Mumbo opened and closed his mouth, staring at his <i> husband </i> in disbelief. In disbelief that he isn’t in college anymore, that they weren’t just <i> “dating” </i> anymore. 

They’re literally both sitting here, eating warm dinner together, under the same house they both own, way past the newlywed stage, and not at all broken up like how Mumbo had expected since the start.

“When are you divorcing me?” he blurted out mid-thought.

A loud ‘CLANK’ rang out at the dinner table as Grian dropped his fork, causing Mumbo to flinch violently in reaction, before then proceeding to outright shiver in fear as Grian’s expression turned from confusion to something akin to incredulity.

It was then that Mumbo realized what he had just said.

“What did you just say?” Grian stared at him with widened eyes. Mumbo swallowed nervously and was failing to meet the other’s eyes. He needed to explain himself <i> quick.</i>

“I-it’s just, you know! Are you not unhappy with having to stick with me for this long? I would’ve thought–” Mumbo was cut off by a slam to the table. He would’ve gone on a tangent about how Grian must’ve made a mistake to stick with him for this long <i> 7 years </i> into their marriage, but he was at least smart enough to know not to continue that monologue. 

Not especially when Grian, who was rarely actually mad, was actually mad.

“Why on earth would you think that? What makes you <i> think </i> I think that?” Grian’s face was scrunched up in an offended manner, he kept an intense gaze on the taller’s figure, urging for an answer.

Mumbo’s shoulders were hiked up to his ears, “Didn’t you marry me out of pity?” His voice came out squeaky, almost as if even his lungs were scared to work under Grian’s scrutinizing gaze.

“Would I marry someone out of pity?!”

“M-Maybe?! Didn’t you just date me because you were forced to?”

Grian’s jaw dropped and he looked at Mumbo as if he grew a second head. He hunched over the table and buried his face into his hands, letting out an extremely tired sigh that made Mumbo hesitate on whether he should take back everything he said and go reach out to comfort the man.

Not that he was given a chance to, Grian didn’t even meet his eyes as he stood up snappily, the chair screeching against their floor, “Good heavens, I need a moment,” and so he left, stomping off to their shared bedroom and leaving a cold half-eaten plate of dinner on the table.

Mumbo stared at his own plate with dread.

It was when the loneliness he prepared himself to get used to long ago settled over the dining table did he realize his situation; he’s not as prepared as he thought he was for a lonely life and he pissed off Grian. Even worse, he probably hurt him.

Mumbo could’ve sworn his own wedding vows had said he promised he wouldn’t do that.

“Pants.”

<hr>

Mumbo was having a bad day, although that’s mainly his fault and his fault only.

He went to the studio earlier than usual. <i> 2 hours earlier </i> than usual, but that’s to be the case when you can’t really get any more proper sleep on a couch that’s smaller than your own person.

After spending a gruesome dinner alone (or rather sitting at the dinner table silently questioning your life before deciding to put the leftovers away and cleaning up), Grian had expectedly locked him out of their bedroom. Mumbo had to remind himself over and over again through an uncomfortable cold, blanket-less night that this was the consequence of his own actions so he has no right to complain. 

He found himself grateful for Grian who decided to unlock the bedroom door some time in the middle of the morning to let Mumbo have access to his clothes at least. Although it was uncomfortable to tip-toe around the bedroom to avoid awakening the sleeping monster on the bed while preparing for work.

The scariest part was actually finishing preparations and leaving the room, thinking you had completed the stealth mission successfully, only to find out you didn’t. He hadn’t known Grian was awake the entire time until he heard a soft call from the bed.

<i> “Aren’t you forgetting something?” the monster of the bed had said. </i> <i> Mumbo swallowed and lingered by the bedroom door, looking around nervously as if to truly put thought into his answer, “Um, g-g-good morning?” </i>

<i> “....” Grian pushed him out of the room and slammed the door on him. </i>

“I messed up even more,” Mumbo groaned in remembrance of the scene this morning and melted into his office chair, barely paying any attention to the emails on his monitor screen. He thought diving into work would distract him from reminding him of how he ruined his marriage, but the dullness of work just had him thinking even more than he did back at home.

Grian wasn’t around, so Mumbo’s brain finally had the space to worry more about the situation rather than worry about sneaking around his own house. It left him tired, adding to the fact that he barely has any sleep.

He was too tired to react even to the sound of someone knocking on his door frame before rudely stepping into his office anyway.

“Well, don’t you look horrible,” newly entered Iskall pointed out with a worried but amused grin, putting down a cup of coffee on Mumbo’s desk, right next to the other empty paper cups of coffee. 4 empty cups to signal just how much he’s been chugging since this morning.

Mumbo did look horrible, “I’m very aware,” His eyebags that had always been there looked a lot more prominent now. His usually styled hair was unruly, strands sticking out in all directions. He looked as if he was there working since 2 days ago, but really, he’s only been clocked in for almost 3 hours, “Just started the day wrong.”

“What? Woke up on the wrong side of bed or something?”

Mumbo winced and brushed his hair back, tugging at it in stress, “I didn’t even wake up on a bed.”

Iskall didn’t respond immediately, staring at Mumbo like he was trying to understand what he was getting at. When his brain did finally come to a conclusion with the small hints Mumbo presented, he put on a dramatic look of shock, “Have you finally reached that stage of marriage in which the wife punishes her unruly husband by making him sleep on the couch?”

The raven haired sent a deadpan stare over to Iskall’s direction, making the man backtrack and change his tone, “Serious situation? Alright, I’ll bite. What’s up with your oh-so-seemingly-perfect marriage?”

“I think I made Grian mad,” Mumbo wasn’t one to talk too much about his relationships, as it had no connection to his work whatsoever and he didn’t really want to attach himself to the relationship too much considering that he genuinely did think there was soon to be an ending to it.

But now, seeing that his <i> husband </i> was actually throwing an angry tantrum for a rare time of his life, his brain is suddenly throwing all other thoughts out the window. It was as if he’s just forgotten that he was <i> expecting </i> Grian to have an incentive to leave him, now just focused on making Grian feel better because some part of his brain went through an ick seeing the man so devastated.

“I-I was just… I questioned when he was filing for divorce because I thought he would’ve left me all those years ago already. I thought he was staying because he felt guilty enough to commit to the bit… or some sort.”

The way Iskall’s face scrunched up incredulity reminded Mumbo of how Grian did the same, “You went through college together, made your friends suffer your disgusting pining all throughout, graduated together, shared a kiss at the marriage altar, and you <i> still </i> actually think Grian has just been staying with you because he felt bad for you,” Mumbo nodded along.

“The entire decade he spent with you because you thought HE PITIED YOU?”

Mumbo hesitated before nodding again, but more sheepishly. Iskall looked as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, which made the raven haired even more embarrassed for some reason. Mapping it all out, he knows it’s all stupid, but he hardwired his brain to long expect the worst for himself already. Mumbo genuinely felt that there was no way someone as good as Grian was allowed in his life.

There should’ve been a better possible world where Grian is happier, only to be stopped by none other than himself.

“Geez, if I were your husband, I’d throw a fit over you bringing up divorce too. Even more when you seem like you’re encouraging me to do it after dedicating my entire life to you.”

“But you’re not my husband,” Mumbo said defensively.

Iskall raised his hands up in surrender, “Chill, dude. I’m no homewrecker. Grian would cut off a limb if I even begin to think you’re my type.”

Mumbo huffs, “You’re so unhelpful.”

“I just asked what’s up, not that I offered to give you actual advice.”

<i> Fair enough. He did say that. </i>

Seeing as the conversation was going nowhere, Mumbo rested his head on the table frustratingly, his brain continuing to work overtime on trying to find solutions or explanations to this situation. Iskall pitifully patted him on the back as he silently tried to get his life together again.

“Do you really think he cares enough?” Mumbo finally spoke, causing his co-worker to snap out of his own daze and looking at him questioningly. The mustached man rose up from his awkward position and reiterated his statement, “Does he actually care enough to cut off your limbs?”

Iskall took his arm back to his side and slowly backed out of the office, squinting his eyes at Mumbo suspiciously, “I don’t think you’re aware as to how much Grian truly cares…”

Mumbo raised an eyebrow, his eyes following Iskall backing away, “Wh- Where are you going? It’s not like he’d actually go and cut off your limbs. It was a hypothetical question!”

“You really aren’t aware,” and Mumbo wasn’t even given anymore time to react before Iskall ran out of his office like his life actually depended on it.

<hr>

[watarfallar]

Life Series Incorrect Quotes

Martyn: As top in this relationship, I think we should- Ren: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

Impulse: Are you sure Skizz's even gay? They barely even looked at me.

Skizz: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you? Impulse: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now. Impulse: Would you like me to tutor you? Tango: That was smooth.

Gem, in Impulse’s bed: Morning… how’d ya sleep last night? Impulse, knocking Gem off: WHAT THE HELL?! Gem: Ow— Impulse: What were you doing in my bed? You were supposed to sleep on the air mattress on the floor! Gem: I had a nightmare. Impulse: You had a nightmare? What are you, five years old? Gem: Listen, I needed to feel comfortable and I was getting this perverse power dynamic vibe from me sleeping on the floor and you sleeping up there- Impulse, in a royal accent: Why yes, how high and mighty I am up on my twin XL! Gem: That is not what I meant— Impulse: Silence in the presence of your king, who sleeps a lofty twelve and a half inches above the ground! Gem: Listen, I’m not ashamed. I slept comfortably when I got up on your bed and I’m sure you did too. Impulse: Yeah, okay- Gem: You know what? I wanna know. How’d you sleep last night? Impulse: …That was the best I’ve slept in a while. Gem, gasping: The king slept comfortably with a peasant in his bed! Impulse: I did not consent to this- Gem, dramatically: But my liege, our love is forbidden! Impulse, on the phone: Hi, is this the front desk? Yeah, there’s a bed bug in my room and she’s six-foot-one, he’s got red hair. Gem: Ask them if they have one of those “Do Not Disturb” signs. I’ll put it on the door next time we… do it. Impulse: Okay, I'ma go shower and wash all of the you off of me. Gem: Oh, maybe together we could— Impulse: NO. Gem: Just to save water— Impulse: No! You don’t even pay for the water! Gem: …Good point.

Bdubs: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along? Ren: What did you just say- Bdubs: Foetons! *Laughs* Ren: Wh-what?

Grian, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank Scar, the love of my life, for telling me Mumbo was going to win so don’t bother to prepare a speech.

Cleo: Bdubs, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason. Bdubs, wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky.

BigB: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you. Scott: Being a fish. BigB: Well, shit.

Grian: I am an expert at identifying birds. Bdubs: Okay, what about those ones flying over there? Grian: Yeah, they're all birds.

Ren: I’m gonna die alone. Pearl: Ren, you’re not gonna die alone. Ren: Bdubs, was my safety net, okay? They got married and now I have to get a snake. Scar: Uh-huh. Why is that? Ren: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face. Ren: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man. Ren: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN!

Cleo, holding out a cookie for Lizzie: Look! This ones a heart, that’s how I feel about you! Lizzie: *Ugly crying* Cleo, holding out another cookie for Pearl: This ones like Michigan, that’s how I feel about you! Pearl, throwing their hands in the air: What does that mean?!

Grian: Did you wash the dishes? Mumbo: I thought you wanted to do that... Grian: *chuckles* You were WRONG.

Bdubs: Ren, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor. Ren: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

BigB: Respect my trans homies or I’m gonna identify as a fucking problem.

Impulse: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking. Tango, patting them on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

Joel: What's with the new hat? Scott: Oh, this? It's nothing. Scar: It's the loudest nothing I ever saw. Cleo: Scott, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing a brand-new hat. Scott: Look, I'm trying something new, okay? Just take it easy. Etho: He's right, guys. Come on, let's not go down this path. It's ugly... Kinda like that hat– Scott: I got this from a nice store! Joel: What store? The one before you exit the Al Capone Museum? BigB, entering the room: What's up, Scott? Did you just finish Bling Ring-ing Bruno Mars' closet? Scott: I'm being brave, okay? You guys are sheep. You may want to take a long, hard look in the mirror. BigB: Better us than you. You look like a park ranger from a cartoon. Scott: Joel, do you think the hat looks bad? Joel: Oh, uh, me? Um, I... I wouldn't say it was bad. Like, I think it's just different, like something you would wear in Indiana... Jones and the Temple of Bad Hats.

BigB: Well Grian, I have to say, I'm really disappointed. Grian: Well, you didn't HAVE to say it. You could've just thought it.

[theminecraftbee]

Tango makes a terrible, terrible face as he walks into Grian's new creation. Bit rude, he thinks that is, but whatever. Grian waves his arms out, getting ready to show Tango more than he'd shown him when the practice room was still in-progress, when Tango says:

"What did you do to it?"

"Huh?"

Tango shudders. He folds his arms over himself and looks at Jellie the ravager. "What did you do to it. To this place. Why is it... warm?"

"I mean, it's not really warm, see it's all white so it actually doesn't retain heat very well, even with the froglamps, so I had to do some work to make sure the temperature was appropriate for heavy physical activity while not risking frostbite the way the actual dungeon does, and..."

Grian trails off.

"The point is that it's mostly just, I don't know, mild temperature? Unnoticeable temperature? The fact you commented on it is weird."

There's a strangely echoing quality to Tango's voice as he steps back again, against the door to the practice room. "It's clean."

"Yeah. I mean, that's the aesthetic, isn't it? Wiped clean of everything but the ravager, the water, and the drowned. None of the distractions. Good for practicing, you know?" Grian squints. "You should like it. You said you'd like it. Wanted people to be able to practice so they'd do better at the dungeon."

Tango shudders again. "You've wiped clean the ravagers, too. I can't... touch her."

"What?" Grian says, baffled.

"What have you done to this place," Tango says.

"Listen, I won't have you insulting my clean room," Grian says. "I cleaned it of all the dungeon bits. It's nice and easy and white and understandable. I won't have you corrupting it."

Hm. Not sure where that one came from, he realizes. Probably a bad sign. He'd certainly guess as much from Tango, who is staring at him with something akin to horror.

In a voice that echoes like a card readout, Tango says: "You won't do this in the dungeon. You'll feed us what's left from this. Or I'll have to ask you to move it."

Grian rolls his eyes. "Geez, yeah, I won't touch the actual dungeon! I already broke the sound test room, I'm not breaking any really important redstone. Now, do you want to see the drowned dodging room or not?"

"I'm horrified to find out what happened to the drowned, if this is your ravager."

Grian looks between Jellie's blank stare and Tango and throws up his hands. "Nothing! I did nothing to her! I have no idea what you're on about!"

"It's like you bleached their insides," mutters Tango. "Bleached everything. It's not natural."

"Not natural? Like you're one to talk!"

"I need to know. Show me," Tango says.

"Right then. Take off your armor first, I don't want Jellie getting thorned or something, then let's practice some dodging and get in there. Then you'll see this is a perfectly normal set of eerie white rooms and leave me alone, right?"

Tango makes a face.

"I don't know why I bother. Honestly. You'd think I'd done something weird," Grian says, and then neither of them talk much, on account of the ravager trying to chew their faces.

[convexicalcrow]

"Look, I know you're impatient, but just trust me, okay? We can't let them know ConCorp's behind this. Not yet, anyway," Cub said.

He was talking to Captain Jack, ConCorp CEO, who was currently sitting on the other end of the boardroom table, clutching a piece of melon in a claw that he was currently eating rather contentedly. The parrot seemed to pay no attention to him.

"What about Scar? Nah, nah, not Scar. He doesn't need to know. Besides, I told you before why we need Grian to front this. Not just because it was his idea, but because he's better at running things like this. And it keeps it all separate from me, so if it does end up failing, well, I can swoop in later to take over," Cub said.

The parrot chirped softly. Wandered across the table, gazing at things. Seeking more fruit. He caught Cub's gaze, and Cub laughed.

"Look, I promise I'll keep you updated, okay? Just let me work. I know what I'm doing," Cub said.

-

The meeting with Captain Jack had happened in Vexspace, of course, like all good ConCorp meetings, and it had happened just as the Hermetheus was arriving at their new home planet. Grian had been talking about running the shopping district on permits this season, something he'd been thinking about during stasis. Give each Hermit their own monopolies and see how that panned out. Cub had only gotten involved after Grian asked for help coming up with all the permits that might be needed.

Cub, of course, could see the potential. Monopolies for some resources could be very lucrative indeed. If this could infect the other Hermits with the same capitalist drive that ConCorp thrived on, well. They could go far indeed. And better have the Hermits in the arms of ConCorp than in the arms of GigaCorp. At least ConCorp was openly unethical. They wore their war crimes with pride.

And so it was that Cub spend much of the first day on the server, after they'd gotten geared up, locked in a dirt hole with Grian, figuring out permits, and how to sort them. Because, of course, if he rigged the distribution system well enough, perhaps he too could profit handsomely from it.

-

Hermit Time was a rather finicky thing. It happened when it happened. Once everyone had settled down in whatever space they wanted, it was easier to figure out where the shopping district would go. The permits were on their way, and Cub did not miss the hours spent crafting them all and sorting them into their iron, gold, and diamond tiers in the randomiser system he'd built. And then, once it was done, he stepped back, and let Grian run the show.

Grian sold it so well though. He was uniquely capable of ensuring the permit system was adopted by everyone. Unlike other Hermits, who didn't know exactly which permits were up for grabs, Cub knew which ones he wanted, and he would make sure he got them one way or another. Horns and fireworks, once he had those, he was set.

-

It's not that Cub was necessarily letting Grian fail, but the man's obsession with fishing up a mending book probably had wrecked his brain a little, so he wasn't at all surprised to find him rather reluctant to actually run the permit office once it had been set up. Hiring Scar and Skizz as Permit Office Enforcement agents definitely said a lot about Grian's care in selecting good people to help run the place. Cub had laughed when Grian told him he'd only hired them because they happened to be there at the time. Of course he did, that was the kind of slapdash Permit Office Grian seemed to like to run.

Cub didn't mind, though. If his Higher Ups wanted him to step in, he would, but they had other plans still. Give them a chance to fail on their own first. Patience. The time will come.

-

In some ways, Cub thought he was doing more permit office work than any of those three combined. He was fastidious about checking for permits being hung in shops, the presence of ender chests, making sure shops were kept in stock, all the work the Permit Office staff should be doing. He didn't keep his records out of spite, but perhaps he did send some anonymous mail to the Poe-Poe to tip them off if he found any egregious offences.

But of course, Grian would get lazy, the Poe-Poe would shirk their responsibilities, distracted by other crimes such as Doc's diamond ore thefts, and so the shopping district would lie neglected. And thus came the message from Captain Jack: It was time to step in.

-

Cub arranged a meeting once his ultimatums to Grian to step up his game went unanswered, which he knew they would be. He also sent summons to Scar and Skizz, just to get everyone together. Was calling it a disciplinary hearing a little strong? Well, perhaps, but it would get his attention. Set the stakes. Let them know he was serious. Well, the Higher Ups were serious. They wouldn't know it was him until he arrived.

Captain Jack was chattering in his ear as he floated down in front of the Poe Poe HQ where Grian, Scar, and Skizz were waiting for him. Cub wasn't always one for a dramatic entrance, but he felt this one mattered. Got himself a whole Permit Office uniform and a shiny gold badge, just to make it feel official. He was pleased they all showed up, and he definitely had to suppress a smile as he heard Scar reply, 'hello God' as he touched down in front of them, the slow falling having done its job.

It wasn't necessarily in Cub's nature to be dominant and bossy, but sometimes, it was just how things were gonna be, and it was vital to make it clear to them that he was in charge now and his orders would be obeyed. And, look, if he laced in a little Vex magic to sway the non-Vex, well, that wasn't a bad thing, right? The thunderstorm was a bonus, and honestly, he didn't mind the ominous evil atmosphere it created as he very calmly said things would be fine. And they would be fine, in time. All he had to do was make sure Grian didn't get in the way too much, and when the time was right, well. Perhaps Captain Jack would come to visit, and the server would once again belong to the ConVex.

[good-chimes]

Cub takes over the Permit Office

A short textual recap of the Succession-style coup Cub just carried out (Timestamp: Grian s10 e21 14:40-29:30)

Grian, Scar and Skizz all receive a mysterious summons to a disciplinary hearing to discuss ‘restructuring’ at the Permit Office.

Scar and Skizz turn up thinking they’re in trouble with Grian. Grian, who has received two warnings for completely unfair reasons like ‘not doing his job’, knows he’s in trouble with Mysterious HQ Person (Grian, terrified but curious: Is it Doc??).

Waiting nervously, all three of them agree that their collective efforts are a shambles, a mild blame game ensues, also a horse is here and they can’t kill it because Judge Bdubs would object.

A flying figure approaches.

To Grian and Skizz’s surprise and Scar’s delight, it’s Cub.

Cub times his slow-falling potions to sink slowly and dramatically to the ground in a completely horizontal position. (Cub: Hello, boys) (Scar: Hello, God!)

Cub has a red tie and a gold name tag and performs an immediate show of dominance by taming the horse and handing out golden apples.

Scar: yeah that horse was—

Cub: it’s my horse now

Grian, eating the apple: He’s trying to butter us up. Skizz, don’t eat the apples.

Cub: Grian, I have some excellent news for you, my friend. You’re fired.

Grian: I’m what—

Cub: And also rehired! To a lesser position.

Grian: So I’m, what, assistant permit manager?

Cub: assistant TO the permit manager.

Cub: that’s me.

Cub: I’m sorry you had to find out this way

Grian: [into his hands] I’m so relieved I hate this job so much

Grian: IT’S NOT FUN AND I CAN’T CONTROL IT. LOOK AT THE SHOPPING DISTRICT. THERE’S POP UP SHOPS EVERYWHERE.

Grian: even I’ve got a pop up shop!!

Cub: Grian and I share a similar sentiment, which is that the permits shouldn’t exist

Cub: which is why we both have these jobs

Scar: But… but it was you two who came up with the idea of permits in the first place!

Cub: yeah

Cub: but you were supposed to enforce it

At this point it should be noted Cub has variously a) claimed he's been sent by the higher ups and he didn't want to do this but, boys, he has to, b) claimed he is one of the higher ups, c) claimed he's 'quite high up but not so much' d) vehemently denied that there exists anyone who has a fancier name tag than he does

Cub forces them into an immediate tour of the shopping district

There really are pop up shops everywhere

Cub: Alright, here's some TNT.

Grian: er! wait! I dunno—!

Cub: What.

Grian: Maybe we should give people some warning?

Cub: Hm

Scar: We did! We have a thing! I built a redstone countdown clock! [waves at the contraption of stacked red-yellow-white pillars he spent several weeks on]

Grian: Scar, that HASN'T MOVED SINCE YOU BUILT IT

Scar: It does move! It's just going slowly!

Cub: We need to move faster.

Scar: I can adjust it. This is 2024 advanced redstone. I can change it. [flies off]

Skizz: Can he really—

Grian, resigned: He's just going to mine it. [Scar mines it]

Skizz: Can I take a shot at him?

Cub: Fire away, Skizz

Grian: I'm not sure about this new management!

Meanwhile Cub has been contemplating the nearest popups in a critical way.

Cub: I'm going to be honest, I'm part of this glass collective, and even I want to see this one blown up.

Grian: Look, boss, what if we put a big billboard up that says 'Pop up purge'... certain date.

Cub: Hm.

Cub: That's very reasonable. I was just going to blow stuff up, but if you want to do that, I think it's a good choice.

Grian: How much time are you giving them, boss?

Skizz: Well, that's what the timer was—

Scar: I HAVE A TIMER! IT'S COUNTING DOWN!

Cub: We want to do this lickety-split. Let's go two weeks.

Grian: [repeating to himself under his breath] Two weeks!

Scar: I'll program the redstone!

Cub: You program it in, Scar. Grian, you make the billboard. Skizz…

Skizz: Yeah?

Cub: …you keep on keeping on, baby.

Cub: You've been the background of this whole operation, Skizz.

Skizz now dramatically attempts to get them to a high point so they can look at the layout of the shopping district, a simple task stymied only by the fact Scar and Grian both refuse to take any instructions unless they come from Cub

Cub then orders that pop up shops will be confiscated to Scar and Skizz's enforcement office. Grian very curious about the punishment for permit violations. Scar suggests banishing violators to the far reaches by Doc's 'shooty-offy cannon'. Cub approves this exile penalty enthusiastically.

Cub: Alright.

Grian: There's a storm comin'.

Scar: [looks up at the blue sky] Really?

Skizz: Us. He means us.

Grian: It's more like a moderate breeze.

Skizz: Well, that's official, we're under new management! And the tone I’m getting is that Rub-a-Dub-Cub is not messin’ around.

Cub: You guys gotta get to it.

[Actual in-game storm starts]

Grian: There is a storm coming.

Scar: A storm of pain!

Grian: [to Cub] I'm so relieved. I couldn’t keep control of any of this.

Cub: It's alright, Grian. [PEAL OF IN-GAME THUNDER] We'll keep people in line.

Grian: It feels like the permit office has taken a really dark turn

Cub: Nah, it'll be fine. People will care about their permits! [MORE THUNDER] People will comply :)

[blueishspace]

The Watchers court p2

BigB: Defendant, who will be your defence?

Punz: I will.

Grian: Defendant, do you accept...

Punz: Punz.

Grian: Punz as your defence.

Dream: I do.

Pearl: Then so it will be, defence do you have an opening statement?

Punz: I do. May I?

BigB: Go ahead.

Punz: Thank you. I'm going to be quick, this court is all a sham based on the whining of a delinquent desperate for attention.

Tommy: Oh I'll show you delinquent you bitch! Come here you-

Grian: Order! Order in the court!

Tommy: But-

Grian: 👁️👁️👁️ORDER👁️👁️👁️

Tommy: ...

Punz: ...

Grian: My apologies, go on.

Punz: Y-yes, the defendant just did his job as an admin and the prosecution was just punished for breaking the server rules.

Pearl: ... Is that all?

Punz: ... Yes?

BigB: Ok then, It's time to bring the first witness to the stand.

*in the jury*

E1!Jimmy: Oh wow, you look so cool!

Kristin: Why, thank you dear.

Knight!Grian: Pay attention people. This is important.

Martyn: Bring the first witness.

Tommy: Wait...

Ranboo: U-uh... hi?

Tommy: Boob boy!?

Ranboo: Hi Tommy!

Tubbo: You're alive?

Tommy: How is he alive?

Pearl: Magic.

Grian: We needed him for the court so we took him.

Tommy: You can do that!?!?

BigB: Ehm ...can we go on?

Pearl: Right. Can you state your name, pronoums and occupation for the court mate.

Ranboo: Right! U-uh... Ranboo and uh... what are pronoums.

Pearl: How should we refer to you?

Ranboo: ... Ranboo?

Tubbo: Psttt, they mean if you use he/she/they or something else.

Ranboo: Oooh! Phil was trying to teach it to me! Uh, He/They ... I think?

Jimmy: Writing that down!

Grian: And occupation?

Ranboo: I don't really- uh... I worked at the burger stand for a while? I guess?

Grian: That works. Now you can begin with the examination.

Punz: Objection your honors, this isn't a valid witness.

BigB: Why?

Punz: Ranboo here is famously known to have a terrible memory.

Pearl: Is this true?

Ranboo: Y-yes m'am... but I... I have my memory book with me!

*He holds up a leather book*

Grian: I think it might still be helpful to hear from this witness, objection denied.

Tommy: Hello boob boy.

Ranboo: It's not... *sigh* nevermind.

Tubbo: Sooo... What can you tell the court about Dream?

Ranboo: He's evil! H-he destroyed the community house and put Tommy in exile.

Tommy: Damn right he is!

Ranboo: And he stole the disks right? I don't really remember why they are important but I know they are!

Grian: Anything else.

Ranboo: He ... Killed Tommy, I think I remember it! In prison!

Tubbo: And the book, you haven't made additions to it recently have you?

Ranboo: No! I... I didn't really use it after I died.

Grian: Can we take a look at this book of yours?

Ranboo: O-oh sure!

Pearl: Well... this is actually pretty small. How do you keep all your menories here?

Ranboo: I don't, I had another book before this but it got lost.

Pearl: Oh, that sucks... we'll copy it and put it in the evidence if you consent.

Ranboo: I ...sure?

BigB: Taurtis? Could you bring the book to be copied?

Taurtis: On it!

Grian: Now, is that all you have to say about Dream?

Ranboo: Y-yeah.

Grian: Defence, you can begin your cross examination now.

*in the jury*

Knight!Grian: Not exactly a strong start for the prosecution, all of these acts are hardly illegal.

Voice of The Star: Maybe so, but based on the testimony we may still look at a case of abuse of admin powers.

Kristin: Indeed, and we still have more witnesses after this one.

Punz: Ranboo, you have stated that Dream is evil, why?

Ranboo: What? I-I just said he destroyed the community house... And exiled Tommy.

Punz: Well that's untrue.

Ranboo: Uh?

Punz: Dream did not exile Tommy, that was Tubbo.

Ranboo: W-well, yeah... but Dream was behind it!

Punz: As the one who caught Tommy committing arson and the one who put him on trial, yes. Are either of these crimes, your honurs?

Pearl: ...no?

Punz: Exactly. As for the community house, there is no proof he was the culprit.

Tommy: Bullshit! He admitted it!

Grian: Order! ... Punz, is this true? Did ge admit it?

Punz: ...

Grian: Well?

Punz: He did. However, it was at axe point under threat of violence, his confession is therefore invalid as it was coerced out of him.

Ranboo: W-what about the disks?

Punz: Ah yes, did you forget that Tommy gave those disks over willingly as part of a trade?

Ranboo: I-

Punz: Cleary the witness doesn't know what he's talking about-

Tubbo: Objection!

Grian: ... To what?

Tubbo: All of it!

Jimmy: ...pstt...Can he do that?

Pearl: I don't know, but it sounds interesting.

BigB: Uh...go ahead.

Tubbo: Thank you bossman! First of all, Dream threatened L'Manberg and me into exiling Tommy. He promised the death of every citizien should we not exile Tommy, if his admission is invalid then so was the exile which he should have known as an admin!

Grian: It's true, when I was admin of Evo I had to learn a lot of laws so yes, he should have known.

Tubbo: More then that, he personally curated Tommy's exile! Nowhere in my decision did I ever say that Dream should have done anything more then bringing Tommy outside the country which means all actions Dream took during exile were done illegally!

Ranboo: wow...

Tommy: ... Holy shit.

Tubbo: Second of all, the disks were first stolen by Dream as punishment for Tommy not listening to Dream, what do the admin laws say about stealing players valuable as punishment?

Grian: ... Taurtis, please bring a copy of the admin codex?

Taurtis: Here you go G!

*Grian reads a bit*

Grian: It seems that you shouldn't have had the authority to do so ... however this is a minor offence...

Punz: Ah!

Grian: However you have hidden a lot of information, I suggest you do not do so again.

Pearl: You cunt.

*a lady in the back shouts*

Ianite: That's my son! Wooo!

Tubbo: Mom? Why are you here???

Ianite: To cheer you on! You're doing so good!

Tubbo: Mom...

Pearl: Lady Ianite???

Ianite: Oh greetings saintess.

Grian: Right, Ranboo you may leave the stand.

Ranboo: Y-yes sir!

Martyn: Alright, now there is going to be a 20 minute break before we go to the next witnesses.

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