#Tw mention of torture

[furiousgoldfish]

I wrote a very pained, depressive and dark post, even maybe too dark for this blog, but I ultimately decided to publish it, just because this pain has always been invisible in me, and I want to be able to say something. If you're going to read it, there's a lot of mention of death and contemplation of suicide in it, and a lot of painful emotion. Maybe someone will resonate with it and find words to describe their own pain. I also want to note that even though every word of it is true, I am most of the time completely dissociated from this, I'm not actively thinking it, and it came out now because my parents are actively trying to find me and disrupting the life I've tried to make for myself.

What my parents did to me is worse than death, they erased me. When I escaped I didn't know who I was, I had no hope to survive, I didn't think I was worth anything, I felt ashamed to even exist. I was suicidal, i thought I'd be dead within a month even if I don't do it myself. I didn't think I had it in me to survive, to be alive, to be anything. I was a less than a ghost, I didn't even have memories to remember of who I once was because there was no warm memories, only violence, blame, guilt, shame, pain, terror. I was supposed to be a person, and they put me in a state where I knew nothing about being a person, only property and a target, it was my entire life. I was told I deserved this, I was a monster, there was never anything else that is correct to do to me, but hurt me. I thought it was my job to be endlessly harmed. They knew I was suicidal and didn't stop. The only reason I didn't kill myself was the dissociative disorder that functioned like a suicide prevention measure, I physically could not have done it because I have been split into pieces and one of the pieces prevented me from doing it. I would have died otherwise.

What would a quick violent death be compared to this? A fucking blessing. I was slowly tortured until I was willing to kill myself in order to end it. They didn't want to dirty their hands with my murder, they planned on torturing me until I did it to myself. I had an intense drive to survive despite everything, and even that was getting erased. My basic instincts were being erased by the amount of pain I was in. My personality was gone, I didn't even have a personality, it was all overwhelmed by pain and desperation to both survive and end it all, I walked trough life looking death in the face the entire time, it felt so close, so close to me, like it would claim me any second, but I had to stay stoic, calm, me staring down death had to be invisible, I couldn't let it show. It shouldn't have mattered to anyone what I was experiencing. I was torn between life and death, stuck in constant anticipation of it and it couldn't have mattered.

Take a person, any person, imagine them having a life, family, friends, interests, hobbies, desires, dreams, loved ones, support, community. Now imagine that same person isolated, everything stripped away from them, and them being hurt until they can no longer remember anything they wanted to live for. Even their basic instinct to survive is stripped frm them as pain is too large for them to be able to sustain themselves, there's no longer anything in this person's life worth living for, nothing they remember about who they were, no warm thought they can think about themselves, and they're repeatedly told they deserve this, they've wanted this. Until there's nothing of them left.

That was me, but from the start. I didn't get to experience having a life, family, loved ones, interests, dreams, community, or any of that first, I didn't get to know how it was to have any of that! From the very start it was pain and being told that this is all there is, and that I'm stupid for ever thinking there would be anything more to life, that it is in fact, only terror and death and I'm a weakling for not taking it better, everyone else is dealing with this just fine. Shame and guilt were the only traits I could have, I didn't know anything further about me. Nobody knew me because nobody saw me being abused. Nobody could know I was worthless, it had to be my private hell. I would have to live only to the point where it was decided that it was enough and I had to die, or until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and take my own life, even though I so strongly didn't want to, even that basic desire was tempered with and overwritten by pain.

Who would want a life like that? Life of not only being aware that nobody cares about you, but everyone around you is willing to inflict pain on you until you wish to die, but can't. Where crying and screaming is forbidden even when you can't breathe from the amount of pain you're in; you're not even allowed to cry out. You fight with yourself every day on how badly you want to die and why you can't, and it doesn't help, you get lost in magical thinking in order to escape from the hell you're in, but you're brutally reminded of it every time you interact with anyone, when they find you hiding under the bed and dreaming. You don't even know that you're supposed to have loved ones, be safe, be unharmed, that life is supposed to be different, that you're not alive only to be a target, that you're worth anything. You don't even know that you're supposed to have more freedom in life than to choose the manner and time of your death, this is all that's dealt to you. And now, live, see how far you can get before you die. Would anyone choose that? Would anyone decide to be born into a life like that? Wouldn't you choose not to exist at all rather than be put trough that? To be erased and then having to keep on living while thinking you in fact, deserve death, and should do it yourself, and you know if you do die, it won't matter, just like your life didn't? Because people around you regularly nearly kill you and then laugh about it like it was a funny joke? They humiliate you for how ugly you look close to death? You're scared that your last moment will be humiliation for how unseemly your corpse looks and you're hoping you'd be able to die alone, to not be berated as you're dying.

Death is nothing to me compared to this. Waiting to die is worse than death. Endless anticipation of pain is worse than death. Having everything about you erased by pain is worse. Not knowing anything about yourself except that you are incredibly shameful existence and that you need to feel guilty all of the time, is worse. Watching people around you receive care and warmth while you're stuck watching death in the face silently, pretending it's not happening, and trying to not have anyone's attention on yourself because someone noticing means more pain, more shame and guilt. It's worse. Kill me any fucking day. But this will always be worse. Every time I face the reality of my life I wish I had died in the womb, at childbirth, I wish I had died when I was 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, any time before I experienced all this. It would have been so much less pain. It would have been so much easier on me.

And I've already given up on ever having a place in anyone's heart, because at this point, I don't have it in me to make people love me. I have nothing about me that is other people find worth caring for, I made peace with it. There will be no loved ones, and thats fine. But at least then I should get to live my life alone the way I want it. I should find joy in being who I found I am, and doing what I want to do. I should get to do things that give me a little bit of pleasure and enjoyment, and I should be safe, and death should no longer come knocking at my door, staring me down like I owe it something. If I can't even have that, then to hell with everything. What is the fucking point of anything if all my life is a continued slow torture until I can no longer bear it. I have nobody to bear it for, nobody would be harmed by my death. But I also don't deserve to die, because I want to live, and this should be mine. Who the fuck dares to try and take this away from me again. I want to fucking explode. If I have to make my own justice then how do I do it. I literally just want to live. And I see other people having at least that much secured for them. Why can't I at least have that much. I am seriously asking for the bare fucking minimum.

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

Hello, are you the person who made the dca!sk au? If so, I hope you don't mind if I do a ask and say: Sun kinda reminds me of "The Dismemberment Song" a little bit, ngl. Especially in the "Rib Tickler" comic where he told the person that they were squirmy. Sorta reminded me of the song, lol. Also, speaking of the "Rib Tickler" comic, did Sun count shaking as not holding still? I noticed that while he was counting, the person had noticeable shake marks around them (I would be shaking a lot too if I were them!) And I guessed Sun counted that as moving (on second thought, this might be a dumb question) perhaps they were meant to loose? Because he knew they wouldn't be able to stop shaking due to the fear and pain? But then again, he said, "I swear you're doing this on purpose" did he mean the person was moving to agitate him? Also, do they have rules against Rulebreakers about swearing in the basement during their "sessions," or, can they say what they want? (I know Sun and Moon can swear while there). Do Sun and Moon have any rules for the Rulebreakers to follow in the basement, and if they don't follow said rules will that further add to their punishment? Has Sun or Moon ever talked to a Rulebreaker on the "outside" before their "basement session?" If so, what'd they say? What's Sun's other favorite "games" to play with Rulebreakers? Do kids of some of the parents they kill ever say to Sun (or Moon) that they miss thier parent because what they thought they were doing to them was how they "loved" them? Have they ever had kids whose parent was a Rulebreaker, and the kid looks just like them it's almost creepy? (Espically if the Rulebreaker parent is already dead). Have you ever had two Rulebreaker parents, and did a double sesssion, where Moon had one, Sun had the other? Or would they "share" them? What if a Rulebreaker keeps passing out because of injuries or something else? Do Sun and Moon do adrenalin needles, a bucket of cold water, a slap to the face, etc, to pull them out of unconsciousness, especially if the "session" wasn't over and one of them didn't get to go? Does Sun usually go first and Moon go second? Have they ever had a Rulebreaker that would need to take something at a certain time otherwise it'll be life threatening, before their session was over, so they gave it to them reluctantly to extend their time with them?

Apologies if you're not the person and I'm bombarding you with stuff you don't know the answers to. But either way, thank you for reading my post! And if you're the right person, thank you so much for taking the time to answer all this, I kind of went on a extended tangent there, and I hope to hear from you soon!

Hello, yes I am! :D

"The Dismemberment Song" certainly does fit Sun in a way. He likes to go into detail about how he intends to carry out his work X3

Just as he and Moon like to play games. And in regards to the comic, Sun knew his game would be unfair. Of course someone can't keep still if their bruised and broken ribcage is being touched, it's practically impossible. Sun knows this, but Rulebreakers don't deserve fairness. Sun and Moon have no respect for Rulebreakers and will openly mock them because they both know it's more than what they deserve.

Every game a Rulebreaker plays is a game they are always meant to lose.

Rulebreakers can swear all they want; but if Sun or Moon decide they've said enough, either of them can easily silence them.

That's about as much as I can answer, it's a little difficult reading the rest of the questions QwQ but thank you for asking and showing interest in this AU!

[redactedkin]

Late but idk

My GOOD friend [REDACTED] asked to draw him with a Friday the 13th theme without being Friday the 13th wtf /j (me)

With filter / Without filter (org)

I hope that drawing it every Friday the 13th becomes a tradition in the TMP/Jackbox fandom, the drawings are VERY great fr

[marylily-my-beloved]

HEADCANON OF THE DAY #21: (Bellatrix x Alice) (I literally just thought of this omg) (technically just Bellatrix but whatever) (sorry I missed yesterday)

Bellatrix was obsessed with Alice, wherever Alice went Bellatrix followed, she loved her so much she didn’t even know why. Alice was Narcissa’s girlfriend, Alice had muggleborn friends, Bellatrix was obsessed with her. Her obessetion finished when Alice got together with Frank, she has fun torturing the both of them. Especially since Alice has broken poor Narcissa’s heart and broken Bellatrix’s too.

[jaxxsoxxn]

literal sketch dump of Mimir because this old fucking undead won't leave my head <o> <o> how the hell am i supposed to live with that

Someone on tumblr mentioned that since he cannot drown, he could just be thrown into the sea and left there for how long would it take the fishes to eat him up or time itself. You ever wonder if you can scream underwater?

Yall know how birds sometimes use hair in their nest making? You know how satyr-like creatures/fae have usually very well-taken care of hair??

[dead-byte]

Literally what is wrong with children’s songs???

Like, I know we often joke about how dark some of them are, but holy shit, some of them contain subject matter that’s so fucking depressing.

Like, I’m labeling CSD right now, which is literally a dataset of a singer singing children’s songs in the public domain, and one song it will be like “You do the hokey-pokey and u turn urself around”, and then the next SEVERAL will be like “This girl literally drowned to death, let’s sing about the things she left behind and how sad everybody is”, “This little boy was out playing with the farm animals, before seeing several of them get stolen away and/or brutalized by various local predators”, and “There’s a happy little cockroach who literally just wants to dance, but everybody hates her so they tear her fucking limbs off”.

Like, who made these and thought “ahh yes, children will LOVE these”?????

[stemms]

It's really frustrating that Dream SMP, a story that carefully approached and evoked such a sensitive subject as child abuse, in the most realistic way possible, as well as gave the real-life abuse victims the representation they deserved, didn't get the proper finale that would be mindful of its impact on real life. Not to mention the poor decisions in character and narrative development that only grew worse as the story progressed.

I have a serious complaint about the duration of c!Dream's imprisonment, in terms of narrative development. Keeping c!Dream imprisoned for a whole year added nothing to the plot and only limited the possibilities for the subsequent lore. The first few months were crucial, indeed, as this is when the key events (such as c!Tommy's, c!Bad's, c!Ranboo's and c!Sapnap's visits, the lockdown, c!Tommy's death and revival, c!Dream's torture, and c!Techno's imprisonment) of the prison arc took place (besides his escape, but it could've been carried out earlier, and it wouldn't have changed anything). But I doubt we'd have lost anything if the rest of this arc had been erased. Obviously, the plot's stagnation was caused by the majority of the CCs losing interest in the lore, and as a result, creating lore solely for the views, rather than with passion, as it used to be in the beginning.

Unfortunately, this lack of interest in lore not only resulted in general disappointment due to the lack of complexity in lore, but it spread the victim blaming, that had been ingrained in this fandom nearly since the beginning.

c!Dream's vulnerable position in the prison arc, especially due to the torture, resulted in c!Dream apologists receiving more content with sympathetic c!Dream, infantilising him to the limit, and using it to shift the blame to c!Tommy in particular, as well as the rest of the server, for allowing this to happen. They completely ignored the fact that c!Dream's behaviour during anyone else's visits but c!Tommy's, was an act; after all, they could always say c!Tommy deserved it for being annoying, so why even try using critical thinking? The constant infantilisation of c!Dream was extremely uncomfortable and ableist, and the escalating portrayal of c!Tommy as the ultimate threat and cause of all problems, was harmful to the real-life abuse victims. We shouldn't forget that fiction greatly influences our beliefs and perception of life, and if one excuses blatant abuse in fiction, they may see no wrong in doing the same in real life, if the consequences allow them to. Obviously, it'd probably be a rare exception, but ignoring this possibility completely would certainly do no good.

[st4rkissedwebz]

What makes ols founder so especially horrible?

Murdered the original founder of showfall media to take over showfall

Turned her innocent idea of making a community where everyone could share ideas and create stuff in peace into a cult

manipulated younger people into joining the said cult and mentally,emotionally and physically tortured them when they didnt obey the cults rules

[chloristoflora]

"The ones who followed Dwalia and died deserved to die. On that, you can absolutely believe me."

"So you have said. Do you remain certain of that?"

"I speak of the ones who held and passed the tools of my misery. The ones who pushed the needles into my back to shoot the burning colors under my skin. The ones who so meticulously incised the slices in my face. The ones who cut the Skill from my fingertips." He took a shuddering breath. "Ones who chose to live free of inconvenience by tolerating the agony and degradation of others."

I had begun to tremble but not as badly as he did. He shook. I went to him, drew him to his feet, and held him tightly, as much to still my own shaking as his. We had both known the torturer's touch, and that creates a common ground that is hard for other to understand. "You killed them," he reminded me. "The ones who tormented you in Regal's dungeon. When you had the chance, you killed them."

"I did." My tongue stilled. I recalled a youngster, the last of his patrol, dying of poison. Did I regret him? Perhaps. But if I were in that situation again, I'd still do as I'd done. I squared my shoulders and renewed my promise. "And when I gain the chance, Fool, I will do the same to those who tormented you. And to those who gave you over to torture."

"Dwalia," he said and his voice went deep with hatred. "She was there. In the gallery, watching. Mimicking my screams."

"Gallery?" I asked, confused.

He set his palms against my chest and pushed me suddenly away. I took no offense. I knew that sudden need not to be touched. When he spoke, his voice had gone high and he sounded as if he would laugh, but he did not. "Oh, yes, they have a gallery. It's a much more sophisticated arena for torment than you Buckmen could ever imagine. There they might cut open the chest of a strapped-down child who shows no promise, to show the beating heart and swelling lungs to those who would later learn to be healers. Or torturers. Many come to witness torture, some to record every word that is spoken, and others to while away a tiresome afternoon. Fitz, when you can control the course of events, when you can precipitate a famine or bring wealth to a seaport and all who live near it, the suffering of one individual comes to mean less and less. We Whites are chattel to them, to be bred or slaughtered as they please. Yes, there is a gallery. And Dwalia looked down on me as I bled."

"I wish I had been able to kill her for you, then, Fool. And for me as well."

Fool's Quest, by Robin Hobb (Fitz and the Fool Trilogy #2)

[furiousgoldfish]

for the abused children life is just being tortured and broken for most inane things like being sad or needing attention or making a face someone doesn't like, and then when you despite all efforts grow up, you're supposed to suddenly know how to stand up for yourself?? you're supposed to negotiate your salary?? tell people OFF?? without feeling like you will be crushed to the inch of your life if you even look at someone wrong?? what on the gods good earth

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

I-

Oh unhinged Sun I love you so so so MUCH

2 questions,

In that picture on bottom left Sun, does he have red spirals in his eyes? Im just making sure my eyes arent playing tricks on me again

Also, regarding Sun's phobia of rats. The reason it started being that there were rats nibbling on his internal wires. Was that inspired by the rat torture method used in medieval times?

Heehee ^w^ he’s lots of fun!

As for the spirals, they are just visual representation of his rage and insanity. They’re not actually there.

And the musophobia was reslly just pulled from thin air. I just decided “this guy really hates rats” and built the reason as to why >w<

[liliallowed]

some actually disturbing stuff below

the next reset crimson will fucking make sans's life hell... and by that I mean they'll give him a nice permanent scar on the chest as payback and it'd glow red like their soul scarring HIM in return.

oh that's adorable. do you think you could scare me with that stunt? YOU'RE SO FRIKING CUTE!

they'd pinch his cheek as they crave deep into his ribcage muffling his screams with their arm.

this vessel was their favorite and he ruined it... oh well. they can just discard it like they did with frisk and manifest a new one =)

you misunderstood. everything you do to hurt me gives my existence more meaning. your determination... your sweet hatred... I will gladly take all of it.

and then they make out

[kibouhero]

Izuku was covered head to toe in blood and viscera. There was a hacksaw in one hand and a dismembered body on a table beside him. Entrails were spilling over onto the floor and more blood was splashed on the walls and at the villain’s feet. 

Okay, so maybe he went a little overboard with this one... 

Feeling a set of eyes on him, he glanced towards the entrance of his lab and raised an eyebrow. “What...?” he asked as if he weren’t looking like some mad scientist who stepped out of a horror movie. 

[redactedkin]

I think [REDACTED] would love this slime.. because it really reminds him of something specific..

and I'm sure that in some way or another he will make it a weapon of torture

No mine! is from pilotslime on Instagram!

[pleinsdemuses]

“I broke the lock. You were screaming.” (Sin/Steve ❤️) @walkitoffrogers

Sinthea had nightmares before, ones that have made her wake up in cold sweats, keeping her up all night and for the following days. Her history with Hydra wasn't as it seemed. Being the Red Skull's daughter didn't make her any less tormented... Maybe if she had been a boy then her father would have favored her, cared for her and not let his scientists do whatever they pleased. Caged, tested on, tortured either it was for bad conduct or just test her pain sensibility until she got used to it. There were nights were the nightmares were "bearable" but tonight? Tonight her screams teared through the apartment.

“Stop! Please!” Her vocal cords ripped and teared with every scream, her body trashing violently on the bed while she was being tied up and tortured on a lab table back at Hydra's base in her head. A bang, loud and heavy coming from the door brought her back to reality and She sat up in bed, a cold sweat soaking her tank top and pajama shorts. Her breath came in ragged, random gulps. Tears soaked her cheeks and leaked from her nose as she looked at Steve who looked a mess and confused. She quickly ran her hand across her chest, right where the Nazi scientist was cutting her with his scalpel. Nothing there. She sighed in relief, a hiccups taking her breath away when she realized it wasn't real, but it did once, her body simply didn't let it scar. “I.. I'm okay.” she lied, avoiding his gaze, looking at her shaky hands.