#dark post

[furiousgoldfish]

I wrote a very pained, depressive and dark post, even maybe too dark for this blog, but I ultimately decided to publish it, just because this pain has always been invisible in me, and I want to be able to say something. If you're going to read it, there's a lot of mention of death and contemplation of suicide in it, and a lot of painful emotion. Maybe someone will resonate with it and find words to describe their own pain. I also want to note that even though every word of it is true, I am most of the time completely dissociated from this, I'm not actively thinking it, and it came out now because my parents are actively trying to find me and disrupting the life I've tried to make for myself.

What my parents did to me is worse than death, they erased me. When I escaped I didn't know who I was, I had no hope to survive, I didn't think I was worth anything, I felt ashamed to even exist. I was suicidal, i thought I'd be dead within a month even if I don't do it myself. I didn't think I had it in me to survive, to be alive, to be anything. I was a less than a ghost, I didn't even have memories to remember of who I once was because there was no warm memories, only violence, blame, guilt, shame, pain, terror. I was supposed to be a person, and they put me in a state where I knew nothing about being a person, only property and a target, it was my entire life. I was told I deserved this, I was a monster, there was never anything else that is correct to do to me, but hurt me. I thought it was my job to be endlessly harmed. They knew I was suicidal and didn't stop. The only reason I didn't kill myself was the dissociative disorder that functioned like a suicide prevention measure, I physically could not have done it because I have been split into pieces and one of the pieces prevented me from doing it. I would have died otherwise.

What would a quick violent death be compared to this? A fucking blessing. I was slowly tortured until I was willing to kill myself in order to end it. They didn't want to dirty their hands with my murder, they planned on torturing me until I did it to myself. I had an intense drive to survive despite everything, and even that was getting erased. My basic instincts were being erased by the amount of pain I was in. My personality was gone, I didn't even have a personality, it was all overwhelmed by pain and desperation to both survive and end it all, I walked trough life looking death in the face the entire time, it felt so close, so close to me, like it would claim me any second, but I had to stay stoic, calm, me staring down death had to be invisible, I couldn't let it show. It shouldn't have mattered to anyone what I was experiencing. I was torn between life and death, stuck in constant anticipation of it and it couldn't have mattered.

Take a person, any person, imagine them having a life, family, friends, interests, hobbies, desires, dreams, loved ones, support, community. Now imagine that same person isolated, everything stripped away from them, and them being hurt until they can no longer remember anything they wanted to live for. Even their basic instinct to survive is stripped frm them as pain is too large for them to be able to sustain themselves, there's no longer anything in this person's life worth living for, nothing they remember about who they were, no warm thought they can think about themselves, and they're repeatedly told they deserve this, they've wanted this. Until there's nothing of them left.

That was me, but from the start. I didn't get to experience having a life, family, loved ones, interests, dreams, community, or any of that first, I didn't get to know how it was to have any of that! From the very start it was pain and being told that this is all there is, and that I'm stupid for ever thinking there would be anything more to life, that it is in fact, only terror and death and I'm a weakling for not taking it better, everyone else is dealing with this just fine. Shame and guilt were the only traits I could have, I didn't know anything further about me. Nobody knew me because nobody saw me being abused. Nobody could know I was worthless, it had to be my private hell. I would have to live only to the point where it was decided that it was enough and I had to die, or until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and take my own life, even though I so strongly didn't want to, even that basic desire was tempered with and overwritten by pain.

Who would want a life like that? Life of not only being aware that nobody cares about you, but everyone around you is willing to inflict pain on you until you wish to die, but can't. Where crying and screaming is forbidden even when you can't breathe from the amount of pain you're in; you're not even allowed to cry out. You fight with yourself every day on how badly you want to die and why you can't, and it doesn't help, you get lost in magical thinking in order to escape from the hell you're in, but you're brutally reminded of it every time you interact with anyone, when they find you hiding under the bed and dreaming. You don't even know that you're supposed to have loved ones, be safe, be unharmed, that life is supposed to be different, that you're not alive only to be a target, that you're worth anything. You don't even know that you're supposed to have more freedom in life than to choose the manner and time of your death, this is all that's dealt to you. And now, live, see how far you can get before you die. Would anyone choose that? Would anyone decide to be born into a life like that? Wouldn't you choose not to exist at all rather than be put trough that? To be erased and then having to keep on living while thinking you in fact, deserve death, and should do it yourself, and you know if you do die, it won't matter, just like your life didn't? Because people around you regularly nearly kill you and then laugh about it like it was a funny joke? They humiliate you for how ugly you look close to death? You're scared that your last moment will be humiliation for how unseemly your corpse looks and you're hoping you'd be able to die alone, to not be berated as you're dying.

Death is nothing to me compared to this. Waiting to die is worse than death. Endless anticipation of pain is worse than death. Having everything about you erased by pain is worse. Not knowing anything about yourself except that you are incredibly shameful existence and that you need to feel guilty all of the time, is worse. Watching people around you receive care and warmth while you're stuck watching death in the face silently, pretending it's not happening, and trying to not have anyone's attention on yourself because someone noticing means more pain, more shame and guilt. It's worse. Kill me any fucking day. But this will always be worse. Every time I face the reality of my life I wish I had died in the womb, at childbirth, I wish I had died when I was 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, any time before I experienced all this. It would have been so much less pain. It would have been so much easier on me.

And I've already given up on ever having a place in anyone's heart, because at this point, I don't have it in me to make people love me. I have nothing about me that is other people find worth caring for, I made peace with it. There will be no loved ones, and thats fine. But at least then I should get to live my life alone the way I want it. I should find joy in being who I found I am, and doing what I want to do. I should get to do things that give me a little bit of pleasure and enjoyment, and I should be safe, and death should no longer come knocking at my door, staring me down like I owe it something. If I can't even have that, then to hell with everything. What is the fucking point of anything if all my life is a continued slow torture until I can no longer bear it. I have nobody to bear it for, nobody would be harmed by my death. But I also don't deserve to die, because I want to live, and this should be mine. Who the fuck dares to try and take this away from me again. I want to fucking explode. If I have to make my own justice then how do I do it. I literally just want to live. And I see other people having at least that much secured for them. Why can't I at least have that much. I am seriously asking for the bare fucking minimum.

[parachutingkitten]

Dragons Rising gives us evil Jay, but it's not that he's the bad guy, it's that he's just an awful person.

He breaks free of Ras's whole cohort, even joins the ninja in their fight. Everyone's excited, cuz you know, Jay's back! He still doesn't have his memories, and maybe we're back to square one on everyone's relationships with him, but he's here, fighting by their side once again, and everyone's glad to have him.

But things feel different. He's got even less of a filter than he used to, and things tend to get uncomfortable around him fast. All the underlying entitlement, and self serving tendencies he had before are on full display. He complains a LOT. Was he always this much of a buzz kill? And after they've spent some time trying to get him acclimated back into the group, the friction grows even more. All his sexist, unrepentant, self pitying mental manipulation boils to the surface, and the team has stopped trying to actively engage with him.

And Nya. Boy do they regret ever telling him about Nya. After finding out they used to be together, he's oddly pushy about it. He thinks he's discovered a short cut to getting a girlfriend. He already won her over once, it's as if he's earned her already. Why is she being so resistant about them?

She gives a definitive no to this version of Jay, several times, and he simply can not process it. He's caught on this stalker-like obsession with getting her to love him again, even though he knows almost nothing about her. Eventually he takes it a step too far. Crosses some physical boundary, or gets into some obscenely misogynist argument, and that's it. Nya doesn't even have to do anything, the team runs him off for her, Kai nearly kills him.

Everyone tries to comfort her by assuring her "it's not your fault, we should have dropped him sooner, he's clearly not who he used to be" and Nya is just left sitting there in terror like... "isn't he?"

She's seen this all before. His blatant disregard for her feelings and opinions, the refusal to apologize, his entitlement complex around her specifically, none of it is new. It's just so much more obvious coming from a mind that doesn't know her. He had done all of it, and she had still loved him.

Had she always been living with such a monster?

[tailsdoll-exe]

xD

[punk360]

Happy Thanksgiving!(?)

[cosmicbirch8]

I recline into silence

The beats of my gentle heart

Cast in shadow

Wither like my mind

A flower without sunshine

A soul frozen in time

A song devoid of rhyme

I cling to memories

Grasping at splinters

Only to bleed pain

I am a stormcloud

Overflowing with rain

I pour endless melancholy

Unable to cease the torrent

Plagued by the abhorrent

Tortured by the night

Unable to breathe with ease

Unable to find the light

Cosmic Birch

[ttpdlulo]

｡ﾟ･❊斘[..]❔ 𓆇 സᦕᩨ𝘄 𝕻𝕠$ ꫬ𖤝 ³³³₊｡ﾟ🧸🍪𖤓ܮ 𔓘 🇱ꚤ𝗄 𝗲ᩥ / 𝕽ᦕᩚ𝖻𝗹ᵒᦋ̊ 🎧 ⟢៸៸꩟ 𖡎𓋼🕰✥～('▽^人)🍦🩹 ५彡ˎˊ𞤯✺ꦮᩚ'ᵗ ʳᵉᵖᵒˢᵗ 𓍼✫哈 ︿︿◞♡°⊰🧾☕️👜

[voyagetv67]

Runs away from Peppa Pig 💀🐷

[ninjastormhawkkat]

Another Becky Boxleitner AU Headcanon

Steven lied to Becky as to why she had to keep her powers a secret. It wasn't to protect others from villains. No he seen how villains acted and behaved around heroes. They were never a true threat to a hero's secret identity. The real reason why Steven wanted Becky to keep her powers a secret, was to protect her from people. From those who would only see her as a weapon or a source of power for them.Those who would never see her for the actual little girl she was.

[unev3rwould]

:* ⛓️🖤

[goldenpoet1]

It was a thought that spoke reality, a secret that overflowed; drowning the skeletons in my closet. Flowing out with pain like water in a clogged facet. Nothing turns off in his head. Voices, laughter, screams, cries, and life. It seems to never end. The wise speaks sober thoughts from the lips of a drunken mind. Thus, he dances with his demons. Feelings withers away pulled by numbness that once felt; sleep with nightmares. Woe the sleeplessness he faces; to awake to the horrid nightmares of his own reality. Thus, he repeats it, like thrashing to his back. Waiting for it to end. He smiles until then. Simply spare me......

[skankhunt44]

You know what's great? The fact Canada has universal healthcare.

Makes me wonder why people think private Healthcare is better... because like... this 👇

Here be the article

[madmanwonder]

(Prompt) (Angst) (MHA) Nejire's heart gives out from overusing her Wave Motion quirk and Mirio or Tamaki (your pick) attempts to revive her.

Nejire felt hot and cold. It was a strange and funny feeling for her. How could she feel hot and cold at the same time?

"—ire!"

It was a weird thing to be hot but cold. Like, what kind of clothes do she wear to ward off the heat and coldness?

"—tay wi—th m—e!"

Thinking about the contradictory feeling of hot and cold made her feel quite tired. It was odd for her, but she didn't think much about it as she took it to close her eyes and take a well-deserved nap.

"—O! St—ay with m—e"

Maybe she will ask Tamaki-kun later on when she wakes up from her nap? He always been smart and knowledgeable on stuff like this?

[tailsdoll-exe]

😮

[punk360]

[gophersdomain]

something something despite the all horrors and tragedies of the world, love was there and that's all that matters