#This is another point towards the fact that this man has autism

[frenchkanna1808]

So Hiya guys today is my shin's birthday so happy birthday to the most doomed by the narrative guys in existence. Also it's international autism day so like I drew this.

these boys are alll on the spectrum (at least autism)

[localcanadiancreature62]

Oh no i gave the shapes angst lolll. Behold,the Shape Human Swap au aka the An Eye for a Hand au. Lore under cut. Also this au is partially inspired by @starmilkman's In Your Shoes au with Bill's personality and Ford's appearance. Have some silly doodles and design refs.

Description: The Pines are all Euclidean shape demons while Bill and Steve are humans.

Ford Caesar - Ford is a square demon who's complex revolves around being a "freak" rather than being a "monster". His trigger words are "you're a freak/you're broken" rather than "you're a monster". He's a square on purpose,because the word "square" is another word for a boring,nerdy person which perfectly describes canon Ford. He wants to cause the Freakpocalypse,a dream world where no one is ridiculed or doubted for being weird. Ford tortures people but only to break them and thus make them broken like him. One notable example is when some poor soul made the mistake of calling him weird,he ended up breaking that person's spine. Ford's abnormality is his strange mind rather than his eye. His mind gave him visions of other worlds,omniscient knowledge,and various other abilities. Ford often has thoughts of the third dimension,so much to the point that his parents had brain surgery performed on him to make them go away. But they didn't go away,in fact they got worse over time. Filbrick and Caryn often told Ford that he had a strange imagination and that he was crazy for claiming that he saw the third dimension within his thoughts. But he WASN'T crazy and he felt misunderstood for no one ever knowing how he felt about his third dimension thoughts. Not even his brother Stan understood him. Ford's genius and ego is a pretty big deal to him,so to see Bill take his own smarts for granted greatly pissed him off which is why they didn't have a good impression of the other. He poses as a wise and knowledgeable master towards Bill and his pawns rather than a muse,which is why Bill calls him "Master" instead of "Muse". Ford acts as unstable as he does because he has fully accepted being "broken" and thus he acts like how a broken man should. The Freakpocalypse is living proof of the fact that Ford accepting that he's broken and that he will never be normal. Shape Ford is evil neurodivergent coded ngl with the abnormal mind thing and the fact that he wants other people to suffer with disabilities like he did,he's the result of an autistic/adhd person snapping (the autism allegory was NOT intentional. it just happened. i just realized that midway into making his backstory pfft).

Billiam "Bill" Cypress - He's more insane and chaotic than canon Ford,as he often injects a bajillion things into anomalies for fun or vivisects them once he gets ahold of them. Bill is a genius but since he's still a mischievous and chaotic lil shit,he doesn't really take his gift seriously. It's a miracle that Scalene and Euclid favor him over Steve despite his behavior. Bill's abnormality is his closed eye since birth,he only has one eye because of this which is why Steve often calls him "Cyclops" to mirror Stan calling Ford "Sixer" in canon. Bill is Will and Tad's Great Uncle Bill who came from the portal,he's also the Author of the Journals which has a closed eye on it.

Tad Cypress and William "Will" Cypress - Tad is a wild but friendly goth boy who's into scary,macabre stuff while Will is a perfectionistic and irritable preppy jerk who loves the rules (to mirror their canon personalities of being a law obsessed control freak and king of horror respectively). Tad is the mystery solver while Will is the sidekick as Tad is into the weird stuff since he's also a nerd along with his gothic disposition as Will hates getting dirty/wounded or doing any unpredictable dirty work. Tad wants to grow up faster because he wants his gothic interests to be taken seriously rather than just be seen as a "phase" while Will wants to enjoy childhood a bit more so that he can have fun in his perfect and predictable life (Will: Growing up is unpredictable. What if i end up like those rowdy punk leather jacket wearing delinquents? What if i grow horrible facial hair?. What if?- *starts hyperventilating*). Also it's pretty funny how Tad is the mystery solver yet he acts like canon Mabel while Will is the sidekick yet he acts like canon Dipper. And yes they still sound EXACTLY the same as canon,with Will having the Adrian graye voice while Tad has the regular human Tad strange voice.

Bill and Ford didn't have a good first impression on one another despite still going through with the deal otherwise. Because Bill immediately tried to vivisect Ford soon after they made the deal while Ford got pissed over Bill never taking his own genius seriously. So yeahhhh meet ugly lolll.

However despite their horrible meet ugly,they still managed to form a great partnership/friendship/relationship with one another. Ford found comfort in knowing someone that FINALLY understands him while Bill is just glad to have a friend that isn't Steve.

Steve Cypress - He's Tad and Will's Grunkle Steve and the guy who keeps selling weird magic stuff to people at the Mystery Shack (the magic stuff is a parallel to og Steve's interdimensional stuff selling). He's known as Mr. Mystery and he often goes around the Shack advertising his strange knick knacks. He is pretty cheery and fun in comparison to his insane older twin Bill but even the nicest people have their secrets.. (Steve is not what he seems~).

Names - Ford Caesar,Billiam "Bill" Cypress,Steve Cypress,Stan Caesar,Mabel Caesar,Dipper Caesar,William "Will" Cypress,and Tad Cypress. Also Octavius Ballman and Amaris Shapiro (8 ball and Amorphous shape but as bratty children instead of humanoid monsters).

The main difference between canon Bill and shape Ford is that Ford never killed his family. He along with Stan and the twins were the remaining survivors in the Euclidean Massacre (let's say that Filbrick Caryn Shermie and the twins' parents aren't.. there anymore :]). Stan and Ford are very close since they've only had each other throughout the years,although Ford doesn't actually treat Stan as his brother and he's more like a favorite lackey to him. The twins are ALSO lackeys to Ford,as the kids and his brother are part of the Henchmaniacs. The Henchmaniacs swap with the rest of the zodiac wheel members.

Wendy = Pyronica. Soos = Kryptos. 8 Ball = Gideon. Amorphous Shape = Pacifica. Hectorgon = Robbie. The Oracle/Jheselbraum the Unswerving = Fidds. The Oracle and Bill are friends in this au,hilariously enough considering that Jhesel canonically hates his ass to the point of her quitting as a Henchmaniac. Fidds is the Wise Hermit,the sagely but slightly insane former Henchmaniac/former lackey of Ford with no eyes (no eyes instead of seven eyes) who ends up helping Bill get the metal plate in his head by surgically putting it inside of him.

The Oracle has 5 birthmarks around her eyes in order to mirror her seven eyes in canon.

Bill and Steve have the same middle name,this is how i managed to make the whole identity theft thing work. Billiam "Bill" Stephen Cypress and Milan Stephen "Steve" Cypress. They're both called Steve,but Billiam prefers "Bill" more in order to be differentiated from his weird brother. They're also called the Steve twins. Also also,Bill and Steve have the same hair style and nose,plus Steve often covers his eye with an eyepatch in order to mimic his brother's closed eye abnormality aka pass off his covered eye as his twin's permanently closed eye by telling people that his other eye is permanently closed and gross which is why he often covers it.

Ford yells "STEPHEEEEN" in the death scene,since Steve often prefers to be called Stephen as a full name as he's been pretending to be his brother who's also called Stephen for years.

The Shape Pines' surname is Caesar as in Caesar Cipher,in order to mirror canon Bill's surname.

[the-force-awakens]

with it officially being disability pride month, I wanna talk about my favorite disabled headcanon, which is for the one and only, my most beloved Poe Dameron. Buckle up, because this is a long post.

I actually have a few different disability headcanons, most of which hold up to canon/are extrapolated from canon, so we'll keep that in mind as we go through. I expect this to have about...four parts total. Let's go!

Hard of Hearing

I think a good case can be made that Poe is hard of hearing, with a few instances that could point to this fact, primarily the very beginning of the Rise of Skywalker. Even though Chewie is sitting right beside Poe, Poe does not understand what Chewie has said, because his head is turned (at no other point does Poe have any problem understanding Chewbacca, so we know it is not a linguistics issue)

It's only when he turns towards Chewie and Chewie repeats what he said that Poe understands what was said. There's also the frankly adorable moment in The Last Jedi that's extremely easy to miss, because it's a far away shot and we just barely catch what Poe says:

BB-8 is beeping so fast trying to catch Poe up that Poe has to request that he slow down so Poe can understand him. Other possible evidence of him being HoH (beyond the comical amount of explosions he's constantly caught in) is that there are several shots where we see Poe carefully watching the lips of the person he's speaking to as they're talking, as if that might help him keep up.

And (I don't have a gif of this lmao I'm not giffing him getting hurt) when Poe gets shot in tros, @/dameronalone pointed out it could be evidence he didn't hear the approaching stormtroopers when he turned to look the other way. @/hermitmoss has also pointed to his line at the start of tfa while being snarky at Kylo as further possible evidence, about how it's hard to understand Ren with the voice modulator.

Essential Hand Tremor

Another fact pointed out to me by @/hermitmoss (thanks Braigwen) is that when Poe goes to cover Leia's hand with his own in the Last Jedi, we see that his hand is shaking:

I later noticed that this isn't the only time that we see Poe do this, we see it again in the Rise of Skywalker, where he cannot keep his blaster steady as Rey approaches the serpent at all.

These are the only two circumstances I can find of his hands trembling in the movies, though, and we know from plenty of other scenes that Poe ordinarily can keep a blaster extremely steady:

Autism & ADHD

Okay this one I don't consider to be a headcanon, lmfao. I genuinely believe that Poe was intentionally coded as autistic/ADHD by Oscar Isaac.

Oscar playing/coding Poe as something that is never explicitly confirmed by Disney is far from new: Poe is coded as a bisexual (or pansexual) man, because that's how Oscar Isaac saw Poe and chose to play him, and even if we weren't gifted with it being made explicit, it's still there in his performance.

If you happen to be a fan of Oscar Isaac, or just a Marvel and Star Wars fan both, you'll know he starred in the Disney+ series Moon Knight last year as the Moon Knight system (Steven Grant, Marc Spector, and Jake Lockley).

Shortly after the first episode premiered, Oscar Isaac revealed in an interview that while trying to figure out who Steven was as a person, he came up with the idea that the system be on the Autism Spectrum, and approached Marvel to see if he could include it into his performances, and it was green-lit.

The Lunar system is the best intentional autistic representation I've ever seen, there are so many things they do that are so minor that I doubt most people would ever consider to include, but they are things that me and my friends do.

And there's an overlap in how Oscar plays the various autistic habits and traits of the Lunar system in how he portrays Poe. Most notably, Poe and Marc have extremely similar meltdowns:

There's plenty more overlap (Poe does the same anxious stim Steven does, of rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb) but there's so much there I'm not sure where all to begin. I have gone more in depth on the various autistic traits Poe shows throughout the films in this gifset here, though.

I'll go ahead and include some of the moments we see him stimming, that I have evidence of:

(he also does this same hand thing when he starts to leave BB-8 and promises to come back.)

We also see him fidgeting anxiously with his hands during the briefing in the last jedi:

Poe also has a habit of running his tongue along his bottom lip while he's stressed or thinking something through. Here's three examples from across the trilogy (there are plenty more):

We're leaning a little closer into ADHD territory now. I don't really know how to explain why I think Poe is ADHD, to be quite honest, besides the fact that he just radiates ADHD energy to me and I heavily relate. This is a man who cannot stay still, and frequently talks with his hands:

But there's also the fact that Poe oftentimes has a tendency to not be able to fully see the potential of negative outcomes to his decisions - he sees point a to point b, and sometimes becomes laser focused on that. It's something I understand perfectly, because it's hard for me to pull away from something I've already fully committed to doing, and it's even more difficult sometimes for me to truly understand what (and what kind of) consequences my actions will have.

Other evidence of him being extremely autistic (and adhd) is just....that he makes autistic expressions?

Like this...is an autistic expression, I've seen my best friend make this exact fucking face before, I don't know how else to explain it.

Misc Thoughts

Aside from the above, it's pretty much canon that Poe has anxiety and depression — at the very least, Poe Dameron: Free Fall by Alex Segura certainly does not shy away from the suggestion, and is one of the most implicit portrayals we have of it outside the films — it is a series of catastrophizing his circumstances that leads Poe to joining Zorii for a little while as a teenager, following a joyride that ended in a crash that Poe explicitly wishes he had not survived.

The movies themselves also points to Poe having PTSD, partially through the writing but mostly due to the nuanced and thoughtful performance Oscar Isaac gives as Poe (that goes....woefully underappreciated, seriously he adds so much depth to every single scene as Poe, including the thread of anxiety in Poe's voice when Rey mentions Ren's ship is over Kijimi, or constantly looking out to make sure they're not being followed in tros).

(Good expanded material follows through on this, such as Poe's reluctance to discuss anything about what happened aboard the Finalizer in the Poe Dameron: Flight Log, and becoming irate at the thought of having to. He's an extremely traumatized man, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be thrown out of an airlock jfc and he isn't as arrogant as the fascist regime he is fighting, tbh he's not arrogant at all).

Conclusion

I believe that sums up the majority of my Poe is disabled thoughts, or at least the ones that I think holds up very well within the canon framework. He's extremely disabled and - in the case of being neurodivergent - this is critical to understanding him as a character, especially considering his arc ends up being focused on interdependence.

I wish all fellow disabled folk a happy pride month, and I wish all very ableds a very "please do not be ableist on this post". You will be blocked otherwise.

[stardew-obsessed-ora]

How would Morris treat an autistic partner?

:OOO!! Hey there Anon! Thank you so much for asking! As someone autistic I've been waiting for the opportunity to write something like this! You've absolutely got the gears in my brain working.

Note - I'm going to be basing these primarily on mine and some friends experiences with Autism. These may not align with everyone, and that's alright.

Word count: 1,013 TWs/CWs: Small mention of gagging!

　˖　✵⭒Morris with an Autistic S/O

❅◞◟　˖⋆　✯　⋆˖　◞◟❅

For starters, this man would do absolutely amazingly with a neurodivergent partner. I'm partially saying this because I think he has a touch of neurodivergence himself, but also because he seems like he'd be willing to be accommodating once he's sat down and talked to about some of your issues. He'd be confused at first, but he'd realize the two of you have more of a common ground than he first assumed.

He'd do a significant bit of research once being told you're autistic. He doesn't want to seem ignorant, and he wants to better understand how to accommodate for your needs. Of course, he'd probably just ask you upfront since he understands everyone's different with different needs and whatnot.

For starters, he completely understand getting so interested in something it's all you talk about. He'd be more than willing to hear about your fixations and interests. In fact, he'd be the type of man to buy you things pertaining to some niche topic you brought up then be like "oh. I just happened to remember you liked this character! Consider it a lucky surprise?" He also enjoys casually bringing up things related to your interest and watching you go off about it.

If you're not a fan of large crowds, that's cool. He enjoys large gatherings, especially since they're good for business! But he can absolutely understand how easy it is to become burnt out by them. He can recall countless times at Joja Block Parties in which he had to step away due to the commotion. He'd be sure to keep track of short-cuts in busier parts of Zuzu City so that you don't have to deal with tons of people.

Loud noises absolutely overwhelm him, even if he doesn't want to admit it. It's a weak point of his. He much prefers the quieter things in life, and being somewhere too loud and boisterous can offset his thoughts, leaving him all disoriented and disgruntled. He completely understands having to walk away from somewhere due to it being too loud and will absolutely surprise you with noise cancelling headphones.

One thing I feel he'd have some difficulty getting used to is if you're clingy. I've mentioned this in a prior post, but he reminds me of a cat in terms of how he warms up to others. It'd take some time for him to get used to you wanting to be against him or wanting to cuddle him or anything like that. But once he's warmed up to your physical advances, he'd be more than happy to allow you to lounge against him while he does his work/while he reads. He'd also be more than happy to hold you against him while he does things, or carry you around if he's able to.

Once he's used to being physically affectionate with you, he'd be so down to laying on top of you if you like that sort of thing. Free weighted plush!

If you don't like affection? That's perfectly fine with him. He's more than capable of being affectionate in other ways, as his main love language pertains moreso toward gift-giving and quality time. Plus, it's hard for him to warm up to physical affection as well, he understands.

He is the world's loudest advocate for parallel play. He would love doing productive while you're doing something else and hearing your input/giving his own input on what you're doing. He finds it one of the nicest ways of bonding with you. Silent acknowledgement of one anothers presence...

He would 100000% understand not liking touching certain textures. Just looking at store-bought slime brings shivers up and down his spine and makes him break into a sweat. Hell, he couldn't even stock those towelettes Joja stocked back when he was a mere grunt due to how horrible they felt to him. He'd take careful note of what you do and don't like touching and then be sure to buy gifts and things that fall under positive textures for you only.

One thing I think would also confuse him would be food aversions. He's never experienced issues with any sort of food. He's had a few dislikes, but he isn't particularly picky. (Not to mention he's been desensitized by microwaveable joja meals) He doesn't quite understand the whole unable to eat something due to the texture thing, nor does he understand gagging due to the scent of something. But he'd try his best to accommodate to you. He'd start carrying your comfort foods in his home, and he'd try to eat food that set off your aversions away from you. That way, you both would be able to eat together and he'd still be able to eat what he wants.

He doesn't get stimming at first but he'll try his best to accommodate for your needs. Joja sells stim toys! Look at that cute clicky worm thing! He can get plenty! Once they end up breaking after barely any use, he buys ones from actually refutable brands. One benefit in you stimming is him realizing just how relaxing it is to sit down and do similar.

He can find himself getting a little easily irritated over things being said poorly, but once you explain to him that its hard for you to control your tone or the way you phrase things, he starts asking for clarification when he's confused.

He can be very passive aggressive or sarcastic toward others. But toward you, he'll keep himself and his mouth in check. Especially if you don't pick up on either well.

Schedule changes do not happen with this man. You never have to worry about being put off track unless it's something out of his hands. He is always on time, no sooner, no later. This man adores daily routines too, and knowing you like predictability leaves him the ability to continue following his usual routine without much issue. If and when he can't stick to the usual, however, he tries to give a heads up.

If and when you go mute, he entirely understands and tries not to force you to talk. Though, I imagine the first time it happened he was absolutely startled. He was worried he did something and that he was being given silent treatment. Or that something had happened to you. Once you explained it to him later, however, he understood. If you're able to, he often hands you a board to write with. If you're not able to, he just sits with you and does whatever you want to, or just does his work and lets you lean against him.

If he notices you're overwhelmed he does everything he can to take you out of the situation, even if you end up dejected over the fact he left for the sake of you. If the two of you are at a company wide party and you start to get noticeably burnt out he'll find an excuse to leave. If you two are at a restaurant or something and you're starting to get more jittery he'll ask if you'd like to make your meals take out and head out. If ever you voice you're worried you're ruining your outings together due to this, he'll cup your face with his hand (if you like physical touch) and reassure you otherwise.

He loves you to bits ultimately, and he wants the absolute best for you. He'd probably check in constantly to make sure you're alright.

[ceedaryaps]

Bridgerton Season 3 Spoilers!!!!!!!

So I finally had a day off and could wacth season 3 of Bridgerton and oh.my.god. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.So three things before I get into the meat of it. First of all, I sincerely hope that Violet and Lady Danburys brother get a chance to connect more MAMA VIOLET DESERVES LOVE TOO! Seecond the fact that Anthony cannottt keep his hands off Kate is so hilarious to me like get awf that lady and let her breathe. And third Francesa being a subtle autism rep is so amazing to me, as an autizzy person myself seeing someone with the same mannerisms as me within a romance setting is so refreshing like it truly puts joy in my heart. And also the sign language in the first episode???? love itttttt, they truly perfected diversity without shoehorning it.

Now to the meattttttt of it.

Now friends to lovers has never personally been my thing and in terms of each bridgerton show im gonna rank this leason my second least favorite but thats NOT to say I dont like it I very much enjoyed this season but i do have my critiques.

1

While I get a giggle out of Pen's sisters I cannot stand her family as a whole, for the simple fact that they treat her as if no one would EVER want her just because she plus sized and has "odd interest" in their words, it infuriated me how her mother wanted Pen to say yes not because she was happy for her but because she truly thought this would be Pen's only chance. Despite my disliking her family it was a good plot point for her to finally decide to make a change and put herself out there. I feel like in her previous two seaons for her she didnt put herself out there because, as weve seen, she has a huge lack of confidence that it was more than likely the work of her mothers and her sisters doing. I also loveeee the wardrobe change from bright gaudy colors and patterns to more Bridgerton esqe colors in her wardrobe. The wardrobe in Bridgerton has always amazed me but putting Pen in that light blue was amazinggg she was gorgeous and glowing. Even her sisters were eating this season like props to wardrobe and makeup bc they ate. Im so worried to see whats going to happen when Collin eventually finds out shes lady whistle down like omgggg.

2

I don't hate Eloise and Cressida NOW HEAR ME OUT OKAY. Cressida is still not a good person at all but I'm so glad we got to see more of her character bc it definitely shed light into why she acts that way. It would be completely ignorant to sit there and believe that the pressures of the ton to be perfect and find husbands quickly and avoid scandal WOULDNT make the girls get a little nasty with each other. The pressure from her parents specifically made me go "Oh girl I think id get nasty too if those were my folks." In no way does it excuse her treatment of Pen tho!! I also liked that it was Cressida who clocked Eloise's tea about her pointing fingers immediately at her when Pen got exsposed. Not to mention when the girlies came to Cressida for tea SISTA DID NOT FOLD!!!! She politely said naur and kept it pushing. Like I understand Cressida was neverrr the nicest and was a gossip but if Eloise decided to hang around her then she shoulda had faith in the girl. Like Eloise I love you but doooo betterrrr. Don't get me wrong at all yall Eloise is my fav but I'm glad people are clocking her for her shittt. I hope Cressida and Elosie stay friends but they constantly build off of each other to be better bc I loved how Eloise made her dislike of Cressida's treatment towards Pen known.

2.5

This is so unrelated but i love bennedict BAD hes sooooo idk yall I need him.

3

COLLIN BRIDGERTON IM HERE TO CLOCK YOUR TEA.

Imma be real I might be bitter bc I feel like Pen shoulda made that man grovel. After what he said about her to his friends in the previous season he should have been on his hands and knees BEGGING for her forgiveness she let him off too easy. Also I don't really appreciate that it took another man giving Pen attention for his stupid ass to finally be like "Oh shed kinda bad actually." I ALSO don't like how when he described how he liked Pen as a friend it wasn't because of her actual qualities it was how she made HIM feel. "You're always here to listen to me and give me a new perspective!" Sir you could have just said she was very insightful, you enjoy her company SOMETHING other than a service she has done for you. That why Im glad he was suffering so bad every time he saw them together he was SICK to his stomach and I'm here for it.

All in all I cant wait to see how things go down next bc I think everyine is gonna reap what they sow Pen, Collin, Eloise EVERYONE. bc the sneak peak looked crazyyyyyy.

Anyways the next thing I should post will be the Finnal Gambit the last book in the trilogy of the hawthorn legacy series.

See yall later!

[bitetherabbit]

loooong vent post cw for sh towards the end. im so tired, man been having some rough days and i just need to write it out instead of following through on other ideas

i literally don't know what to do i can't keep living like this anymore i feel so trapped and i don't know where to begin to help myself, im an adult but i feel like a fucking child especially when im regressed or even when my anxiety takes over and stops me from doing necessary things like make phone calls or make appointments, i don't like going outside alone or driving elsewhere because i don't want to be seen, (gender dysphoria, having to mask to interact with people). i stay inside this shithole of a house that i've been trying to clean up and make livable but it's a lot of stuff that doesn't belong to me so i can't just get rid of it, i can only sit in my bedroom and rot (can't afford to move out.) at least i was out of the house when i was working, but i had to quit my job recently because that specific company was sooo toxic and i couldn't take it anymore (story for another day), and now i get instantly stressed and anxious any time i try to job search and so i give up, and i can't just go out and get a basic 8hr standing around job because my body is in regular pain all the time now, moreso after having covid twice my joint pain has gotten noticeably worse (another thing i need to call a dr about and deal with but i haven't) and also now that i'm aware of the fact that i mask severely around others, mask behaviour, mask health, and have learned more about autism and had a fucking revelation about myself it's like my symptoms of everything is worse like the dam broke and there's nothing holding it back anymore, like i've forgotten how to be a person around others and how to talk to people, because my body and mind are so burnt out all over and it's probably been holding back all this shit my whole life including the trauma. like, what don't i remember from when i was a toddler??? because when im regressed that's the age i feel. what happened back then??? and i know some might say i shouldn't be complaining when there are solutions right there, call your doctor, find a therapist, apply to jobs, but at this point i'm so stuck and everything is overwhelming i just can't do it by myself i can't i can't i need someone to take care of me i need someone to help me do it. there's so much shit i don't know where to begin!!! and i don't know what set it off, but i've been feeling like a fucking child for 3 days now and i don't have anyone to talk to about it (my family asked me if i was "tired" and did i get enough sleep) because i don't want to bother them with it since they have their own problems too going on right now, mental health issues are a lovely generational thing in my family, and im struggling because i know they all love me to the moon but sometimes they can be so toxic to each other and i just take it all in and absorb it.

and i've been trying so so hard to learn more and educate myself on trauma and neurodivergence and i'm trying to break the cycle of passing your own trauma on to your children (good thing i don't want kids...) and everything i learn i see happening in my family and it explains why they behave this way. and this is the side of my family that doesn't include the narcissistic parent i don't speak to anymore! (another story for another day)

so lately i'm like, "huh maybe my trauma isn't just from this one asshole parent. looks like it's wayy worse on this side of my family than i realized", now that i'm an adult and can understand better. and while it's not behavior generally directed towards me like the narcissistic parenting was, this shit is like, they haven't sorted their shit out and so their trauma is traumatizing me (the kid/grandkid) as a result. because i'm close to my family. I love them. and it fucking hurts to see them react to each other when they're stressed, and then react unhealthily to me in other situations because of their lack of ability to self regulate.

and i just want to fucking rip my head off!!! my brain has been thinking about c*tting up my legs and i FUCKING HATE IT i don't want to do that i don't want to i don't want to it doesn't help anything and you only feel worse after!!! it's been a little over 2 years and im holding strong. don't give in now.

breathe

i can't blame them for not trying to heal and better themselves if i can't even contact a therapist to do the same for myself, right? i can only do so much on my own, but i feel like i have made some progress, even though some days are still so fucking hard. i've been researching and becoming aware of things, learning techniques to help myself. if i don't actively do the work then am i any better than them?

i can see now the reasons for their behavior and idk it allows me to forgive them? but is that the right thing to do if their behavior keeps continuing? is someone at fault for their toxic behavior if it stems from being untreated/undiagnosed and traumatized their whole life?

see these are questions for a therapist.

i feel worn out now, but less wound up, after writing. it really does help to release feelings this way. a thought for another time but it's like i can yell as much as i want to in writing and it feels so good. (i feel like i've lost my voice, my self, due to trauma. will write more about that at some point.)

[thedreadvampy]

Additionally

Being able to eloquently express what an issue is =/= usefully engaging with that issue

other than the class thing (which wasn't explicit in the conversation I had on Friday - the person I was talking to was like "why does this person act so rigid and unaware of other people's needs? is it ADHD? autism? trauma?" and I was sitting there mentally screaming IT'S BECAUSE THEY GREW UP RICH STEPHANIE. VERY OBVIOUSLY THAT.) the other gripe I'm stewing in from the conversations I've had recently is another really common one in anarchist circles (and one that super heavily crosses over with the class one) which isssss

hey man

it's great that you can clearly and specifically explain why you are acting the way you are, how it connects to your mental health, what you need and how you're feeling

that's grand

other people maybe can't though? and the fact that they're not expressing it as clearly as you doesn't mean that it's less real or potent????

like this is an issue I see a lot in interactions where one person is having a meltdown. and the other person is upset but still able to think and talk clearly. or where one person has spent a lot of time dissecting their needs and the other doesn't really know how to express theirs.

lpeople talk a big game about radical inclusion and anti-ableism and so on but ultimately. it often comes down to who can say the best words to express their need, not who needs things more.

and also. and this is a specific vaguepost about a specific handful of people but also kind of a wider issue. even if both of you can understand why something is the way it is, it doesn't mean you've fixed it or engaged with it or the job's done.

"I'm uncomfortable with how X behaves towards me." "Well X is aware of the issue and we've talked about it and it's because they have XY and Z issues with regulating their behaviour and it's just how they are." Okay???? I'm still uncomfortable????? They're still behaving inappropriately????? Something else needs to happen????? like we need to not be around each other, or set up a way to mitigate the discomfort, or someone needs to alert them when they're acting that way, or something. But over and over again in multiple social circles instead you get "well we've talked about it and uncovered the root of the issue." But this isn't an intellectual exercise! We need to also engage with the issue!

like idk not to sound like a reactionary but for real I have so many friends who pay themselves on the back for being so trauma-informed and consent-driven and mental-health-aware but whose attempts to actually engage with any access clash or conflict of needs begin and end with Explaining It. and sometimes that looks a lot like explaining away really shitty or dangerous behaviour with "they can't help it because X"

and sometimes that's true! Like I sometimes get so overwhelmed and exhausted by being around people that I snap and get really vile and malicious and angry. I don't want to be like that but when it hits I can't prevent it, I can only mitigate it.

but I can mitigate it and I'm responsible for mitigating it. That usually includes explaining it, but explaining it isn't the point. Like I have explained it to people in order to explain that "if I walk away suddenly or go very quiet or make an excuse to go to another room, that's because if I continue the interaction I'm going to be a bitch, and it's not because of anything you're doing wrong but I need you to leave me alone". and the explanation is important but so's the strategy. If I just say "sometimes I will be a bitch because I'm overwhelmed," I'm not dealing with the problem, I'm describing it. which can be somewhat helpful for the other person to draw their own conclusions and understand that it isn't about them. but in and of itself it doesn't fix much.

explaining or describing or talking about problems is important. and especially when you're struggling to express what the problem actually is, let alone why, it's a really vital step to get you to a place where you can come up with a solution and engage with the problem head on.

but often there's this kind of fetishisation of the Explaining The Problem phase, like that's the whole of the thing. and that leads to both these problems - a) that instead of coming up with strategies to fix the thing you just repeatedly talk about what it is, and b) that, because you think Explaining A Problem and Dealing With A Problem are the same thing, you respond as if the person who can most eloquently and convincingly describe why they act how they act has Dealt With Their Behaviour, and the person who can't make clear unambiguous sense of how they feel, how they act and what they need Isn't Offering Solutions. so the person who can explain themself is off the hook, and the person who can't is the problem.

so uhhhh you kind of tend to end up in a state where people who are eloquent and clear about their mental state (a thing that's hard to do when you're on psychological crisis) are able to excuse their bad behaviour, and their needs tend to take precedence over the needs of, say, Mad people or people in crisis or people with more messy and complicated problems, who are less able to clearly state their case.

and this obviously also ties into the class dynamics I mentioned above. when middle-class people are more able to assert ourselves and more confident in our knowledge and experience (and specifically in our communication abilities! this is a big thing with middle class people in general and people from an academic background in specific!) we are going to find it much easier to get priority in a space where Clearly Enunciating Your Feelings is the defining factor of how you're treated.

and that's pretty fucked I think 🤔

I had a conversation on Friday night that's really got me mad about some stuff but I have tried to gently bring this kind of thing up directly and it never goes well but I am gonna vent it here for when I start feeling like I'm going insane/being a bitch.

this is anarchist infighting babes xoxoxo

Why are people who grew up rich Like That?

Now I to some degree include myself in the category of People Who Grew Up Rich. I had some shit in my youth but one struggle I never had was being a child in a financially precarious home. I never worried about going hungry. I never was at any risk of homelessness. Have I been homeless, hungry and otherwise precarious since then? Yes, but I have a baseline of knowing what security feels like, and I have a network of people who do have money to fall back on. And I have the confidence and education and class-specific social knowledge that comes with that so even if I'm poor I'm still middle class socially.

Both based on observation and statistics, I think it's pretty clear that economic precarity in childhood is one of the most potent single things that impact your lifelong wellbeing. Being precarious as an adult is traumatic and miserable and awful but it isn't the same as having precarity as your baseline state.

However there's a certain ahhhhhh subset of Anarchists From Upper Middle Class Backgrounds who might recognise that intellectually but who act. As if being from a wealthy background is irrelevant to their current life. And it's not.

Like ok this is where I get bitchy. But moving in anarchist and activity circles see how there's often people who seem to be counting up traumas and operations they face specifically as a reason why you should listen to them? and they often seem to count "childhood trauma" and "childhood trauma and precarity" as the same single point? like "oh you had a bad childhood I had a bad childhood we've both been there."

but no! no we haven't both been there! they're not the same experience! childhood poverty is its own enormous and far-reaching trauma, and it not only doesn't lessen the impact of traumas that can happen to anyone (eg CSA, DV, parental addiction, loss of a loved one), it lessens the space people have to deal with those traumas, both emotionally and practically.

And that's not to say If You're Middle Class You Have No Problems because obviously you do. like. I didn't deal with financial precarity in my childhood and adolescence but I did deal with a lot of instability, violence and abuse throughout. and that's significant and worth giving space to. but like many of my friends were dealing with similar stuff at a similar age AND with the far-reaching trauma of poverty (and other systemic traumas like racism and xenophobia)

and like it's not productive or helpful imo to start the Who Suffered Most competition interpersonally. trauma-as-currency is a plague.

buuuut. with the types of person I'm thinking about THEY'LL be the ones implicitly or explicitly bringing it up, either in a "you have to be nice to me bc I've experienced XYZ" way or, even more obnoxiously, an "I own and know the most about X bc I experienced XYZ". Like this sense of ownership and this idea that your experience of X is everyone's experience of X seems to me to most often come from usually white but always upper middle class activists, who are maybe poor now but were very financially stable growing up.

It gives you. A certain confidence. Growing up rich or well-off. And that can be really useful - definitely sometimes the people most able to just bulldoze through beaurocracy and Get It Done in confronting authority are these folks bc a gift and a curse of being raised in classes higher up the ladder is a lessened fear of authority, an assumption of your own rights and knowledge, and a certain self-assurance. even if you're also a neurotic mess personally, idk how to describe it but I'm positive you've seen it - an upper class upbringing brings with it a type of confidence that's almost entirely separate from who you are as a person, it's like an aura, it's baked into you like your accent. it's a specific texture of entitlement and self-assurance and it can be REALLY USEFUL but it can also be. really really really damaging.

When you grow up rich, however bad shit is at home or in your life, you are taught to understand certain things as your right - you expect to be worth listening to (at least by anyone not more powerful than you), you expect to know what you're talking about, and you expect your life to be valued by others (if not by everyone or by yourself, but by strangers).

You can shake it consciously, and it can be knocked around and come into conflict with other trauma, but it sticks with you when you're born into power - when you're raised rich (or white, or a man, or not overtly disabled). It follows you through poverty and trauma - it's baked in early on. and that's not in and of itself a bad thing, it's just a Thing - class affects your behaviour and self-image, like most systemic social constructs. And again it doesn't mean your struggles are less real - your trauma is still traumatic, your anxiety and self-esteem are still fucked up - but it does affect power dynamics.

People who are raised rich are more sure of ourselves, and almost always more immediately able to assert ourselves, our ideas and our wants than we would be if we had grown up poor. And we kind of need to be aware of that because otherwise what happens a lot of the time is a domination of space, and a dismissal of other people's knowledge and experiences because they're less assertive about them than us.

and I'm so fucking sick of it because what it super often looks like is a combination of people going "I have to get what I want because praxis because radical self-care because I'm saaaaaad. You can't tell me no or tell me off because I'm struggling" and going "We have to do what I want because I'm right. Because I have the most knowledge and experience of this thing and I know you've experienced it too but you're wrong about what you experienced."

like (and here's where I've got SURE gone bitchy) there's this really common Type of anarchist who's super involved and super activisty and also their trauma is always the biggest trauma. their ideas are always the only ideas. anything they did that hurt others was justified by their mental illness or stress or lack of knowledge and anything others did that hurt them was twice as bad because of the fact they're So Marginalised. they need people to go easy out of their comfort zone to help them because things are So Hard but they can't offer help that's inconvenient to them because things are So Hard. They're in charge of every protest and they decide who's allowed to protest because they're allowed to Protect Their Boundaries. When someone crosses their unspoken boundaries it is unforgivable but when they repeatedly willfully ignore other people's boundaries it's because they weren't clearly stated enough.

and the thing I'm saying is. the thing I have noticed about this specific type of Anarchist Guy. is in my experience they're literally always from a wealthy background. they may be utterly fucked for cash and homeless now, and that's a real experience they have every right to be scared and vulnerable about and speak to, but they have always had a childhood and adolescence where money wasn't a concern.

poverty is always a traumatic and marginalising experience. but you don't forget the assurance and entitlement you learn if you're raised rich. becoming poor isn't the same as being raised poor. the default assumptions of what's possible and your own importance are different.

and a) I think we need to be really mindful and self-aware about the types of confidence and self-assurance that we might have got from childhood and adolescent privilege, even if we don't have it now. and also b) I fucking hate when people are That Guy and I have like 6 That Guys in my social circle right now and it drives me insane bc it's utterly impossible to get through to them about it bc ppl end up in such denial of the ways being financially stable as a child produces privilege over those who don't.

like I am thinking of a friend (private school, Oxbridge, academia, family own their home, clearly bad but financially well off childhood) who explicitly and repeatedly believes themselves to have meaningfully the same background (or maybe Worse Trauma) as people who were financially supporting their families from 14, people who spent their childhoods seriously housing insecure and spreading food out across the month, and people who grew up in social housing with a disabled single parent. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

I know it's not the same, and while we're both posh I'm WAY less posh than this friend, but that matters a LOT less than that I'm way MORE posh than any of the other people I mentioned and that does affect things! I don't have the experience of precarity! My mum was a very frugal and money-conscious parent but we had the money, even if we weren't spending it, in a crisis it was there! We were never going to become homeless as a family. We were never going to starve. If things were unsurvivable as they were - ceiling falls in, black mould, boiler broken - we could fix it! Our experiences of childhood instability, mine and this friend's, are of relational emotional and physical lack of safety - people around us cause us harm or can't be trusted or need looking after. But the other friends have that plus the emotional, physical and existential lack of safety that is poverty. That's not the same! It's not at all the same background!

and sometimes it's like. the flipside to class reductionism is class erasure. They think we're from the same background as the people who grew up poor bc we're white, we're queer, we're neurodivergent, we're trauma survivors, we're afab, we're whatever else. but stuff like poverty, lack of educational opportunity, social exclusion on the basis of class - those things just don't register. They're unknown knowns - they're the stuff that we take for granted, we tend to assume everyone who's like us in terms of race, gender and ability was basically financially stable in childhood, finished school and went to university, is treated as we're treated by police and authorities, etc.

Writ large, what this looks like is politicians claiming that £82k a year is basically poverty and genuinely making policy on the belief that when people say they're poor it means "can't afford to do everything I want" not "can't afford to live"

But writ small, what this means is that often the loudest voices leading communities of people who've Been Through It - the people who get their way - are people who think that their experience as raised-rich is exactly the same as the experience of the raised-poor. At worst we get Common People cosplayers who you never find out actually have a trust fund and an allowance but even before that. like.

Anarchist spaces, both organising and social spaces, are full of people who are legit struggling, who say at the good words and think all the good things, but who are fundamentally so entirely blind to the power that a middle class upbringing (particularly but not exclusively a white middle class upbringing) has given them that they just plough right through other people bc they assume they're on an even keel. The assumptions we make about people's confidence and assertion based on what's normal for us often takes a really familiar shape where one person's needs consistently take precedence over anyone else's.

and like. All of us deserve to have our needs met. Your needs aren't less important because you're middle class, or white, or straight, or cis, or male, or whatever else. The problem is when it's always one person's needs and never the people around them.

when somebody who's used to having a safety net falls down, people who are used to having to buckle down and do the impossible bc nobody else will pick them up, will pick them up. when somebody else falls down, people who are used to having a safety net see that picking them up is impossible and don't because they haven't got the experience of Having To Do The Impossible. when somebody who's comfortable asserting their needs assumes that all needs are vocally asserted, people who are used to subsuming their needs, not talking about them and dealing with them solo do not get their needs met. and when this carries on consistently across multiple relationships and multiple years, we got a problem.

And specifically part of the problem I think in anarchist circles is that born-wealthy anarchists are a lot more likely to be heavily socialising with born-poor friends, whereas if you buy into the class system you are likely to mostly hang out with other people who ARE actually from a similar economic background and so ARE likely to assert themselves in the same way you assert yourself.

This is why it's so important to not leave abolitionist relationships with power structures at rejecting or refusing them. As much as we should abolish class, racial, gender etc hierarchies, we have to engage with the world as it is. We can't just divest ourselves of hierarchies by wanting to - we have to actually engage and keep engaging with the ways that hierarchy continues to exist inside us. However poor I am, I still was raised middle class. However antiracist I am, I am still white. However aware of gender I am, I am still cis. That's going to affect the relationships I have with people who have different experiences.

but too many middle class anarchists imk talk a big game about class solidarity but ultimately consider themselves working class by choice. but you can't choose how you're raised. and ignoring the privilege of financial stability in childhood leaves you with enormous blind spots on how you treat others and how you recreate those power dynamics.

doesn't mean middle class people can't or shouldn't be anarchists. lots of us are. but for the love of fuck we need to make sure we're aware of the huge and lasting impact that different childhood economic experiences have on who we are as adults. even if we're down and out now, socially we remain middle class. and that gives us power beyond how we're seen - it's a power in how we act and how comfortable we are asserting ourselves over others.

and I'm so fucking sick of seeing it tbh. and I'm so sick of how shitty it makes a lot of friend group dynamics where a few culturally middle class people dominate every decision and take precedence in every discussion of need.

[felinedetached]

Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.

[my-darling-boy]

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

[celeste-clearwater-06]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please write something about how the Fellowship (+ Thorin?) Would help a s/o who's Disabled and Chronically ill. Like she has a lot of symptoms like chronic pain, chronic fatigue, difficulty sleeping, difficulty breathing at times, difficulty walking at times, higher sensitivity to the cold, difficulty talking at times, and anxiety, depression and executive dysfunction?

I've been really struggling with my chronic illnesses lately, namely my Autism, Anxiety, Sleep Apnea, a really bad Overbite, Raynaud's Syndrome, Asthma, etc, so I'd really appreciate an Imagine like this. I have a really weird disorder where one of my legs is longer than the other, and it's been causing me a lot of pain and difficulty walking lately, and people have been bullying me for it a lot too, so I could really use a Comfort Imagine right now. Thanks so much hun!!

It's no problem! I'm glad I can provide some comfort!! For each character, I'll use a specific struggling area, to make it a bit easier!! I hope I got these accurate enough, and of there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out!! You are strong, beautiful and so, so amazing!! Keep being you!! ❤❤

Help (The Fellowship// Thorin x Fem!Reader)

Aragorn (Autism)

Aragorn has known you for a long time, so helping with your autism is not new for him

He's particularly experienced in reading your emotions and meeting your needs, whether it's helping you out of stressful situations or calming you down, he's there 🥺

If there are large and boisterous gatherings in Rivendell, its almost guaranteed that you can become over-stimulated quickly, and Aragorn immediately senses this (spidey senses õoõ)

He's fast to find your hand and give it a gentle squeeze of reassurance

If that doesn't seem to help, he'll instantly stop what he's doing and take you out of the room

If you're someone who prefers lots of space and little physical contact, he is 100% respectful of this and asks if you'll let him touch or hug you (very much gentleman 😌)

If ever you're confronted by someone of importance, Aragorn is right by your side to ease some of the tension

Sometimes there are things you find difficult to say or get out of your system

The king seems to know exactly what it is and will help you out by saying it or asking you simple questions that you can easily answer

And he always reminds you, no matter WHAT

YOU ARE NOT STUPID 😤😡

You may struggle with some parts of your life, but every day, he's constantly telling you that you're very intelligent and kind

His patience is unending and he'll never let you think down on yourself

Overall, Aragorn is always someone and reminding you that it's all going to be okay ❤❤

Legolas (Anxiety)

Most nights, Legolas keeps watch (since elves don't require much sleep) and notices that you jolt awake out of the random

Now, most of the Fellowship notices that you're usually awake and ready to go before anyone else

But Legolas is really the one to address you first

You were a bit nervous to explain, since you didn't want to worry him or the great of the fellowship, amount the other disadvantages you have

He gently encouraged you, and finally, you explained to him your sleep apnea

Yeah, he was very concerned

I mean, his blue eyes widened with terror when you told him that you could basically die in your sleep if you weren't attentive enough 🙃

Legolas, from now on, sleeps directly next to you, or keeps extra careful watch over you at night

Because he could NEVER see his precious mortal friend become injured... Or worse 🥺🥺❤

The other members had noticed a change in his behaviors towards you as well...

Gimli teased him whenever he caught Legolas giving you some extra lembas bread or offered to carry you 👉👈

You really tried to assure Legolas that it wasn't a big deal when you were awake, since you're aware of your breathing situation

But still 😤

Legolas will always bring you comfort and take great care of you, and that will NEVER CHANGE

Because he loves you very much ❤🦋

Frodo (Anxiety)

Frodo is familiar with the feeling of great anxiety, seeing he had a stress-free life while living in the Shire and suddenly was forced to carry a piece of jewelry all the way to giant ass volcano

It's easy for you two to comfort each other and seek refuge in thoughts and feelings ❤

He's not super comfortable with the thought of you having a panic attack though...

Only because he's never had one

It starts to give him a panic attack whenever you have one around him the first time 😳-

Any time you begin to breathe heavy or hyperventilate, halfling boy is hot at your heels, rubbing your back and reminding you to breathe gently

(So many hugs, if you're up for it)

After you calm down, he's constantly checking on you, asking if you need anything etc.

Really, he just wants to know if he can help 🥺

And even with the weight and stress of carrying the ring, Frodo manages to cheer you up somehow

Samwise (Asthma)

Sam has never had to deal with asthma once in his life

He's very nervous when the subject is brought, afraid it might trigger something inside of you 🥺👉👈

But you just chuckle, assure him that it's alright, and you have ways of keeping it under control

And now, he wants to know everything about it, just to have the awareness in case something happens

Sam just wants to protect you forever, and this was a great way for him to start

He constantly reminds Aragorn that you'll need breathing breaks and will convince Gandalf to let you ride on his horse

He'll scold Pip and Merry if they are trying to drag you around and be silly, because as he says

"You'll rouse him/her/them up! We can't have Y/N gettin injured!" 🤨😠

Sam is MOM

As always, he's very kind and always makes sure your needs are met ❤🥺

Pippin and Merry (Raynaud's Syndrome)

Very confused halfings 🤔

Also extremely concerned!

You were eating one of the lesser pleasurable nights

It was cold and rainy, and a fire couldn't be started, not to mention the quiet arguments of Aragorn and Gandalf in the nearby woods

And Pip's eyes widened when he saw the tips of your petite fingers begin to pale upon hearing Aragorn mention Orcs

"What's wrong with your hands?!" He squeaked, pointing towards your now white-colored fingertips

You hadn't even noticed, nor felt, considering they were numb anyways

Merry looked over his cousin's shoulder and his eyes also widened, not with fright, but wonder

They were both fascinated with your condition, convinced that you were casting some spell Gandalf showed you

Although you reassured them it was just an extremely frustrating inconvenience that you had, among other things

So from then on, the disastrobus duo did their best to keep you out of the cold (and stressful situations!!)

As a distraction, the pair will tell you great stories of the shire, doing little dances and skits that always cheer you up 🥴

Sometimes, they can be a little rambunctious though...

Merry will pick up on this fact quickly, and nudge Pippin to get him to calm down

Even though it may not feel the best

They find your syndrome absolutely fascinating!! 🤔🤔

All in all, these two are always up for keeping your beautiful smile on your face and your spirits high!! ❤🌺

Boromir (Depression)

Throughout the journey, Boromir has always found an easy way to make you smile

After all, he himself has a fascinating way of brightening anyone's spirits

Yours included ❤

Boromir may not have great stories from The Shire, like Pip and Merry, but he sure has a lot of positive things to say

He'll often suggest sparring with the two troublemaking halflings, just so you can see him goof up and get knocked over 🥺

If the nights become cold and weary, he'll give you a warm hug or a nudge on the shoulder

And a few words of helpful encouragement along the lines of;

"Don't fret Y/N. You have more strength than you'll ever know."

"Let our spirits never dampen! We've come this far!" 😊

He's also an incredible listener

Boromir wants to hear what you have to say if you ever need to rant or get something off of your chest

And don't think for a second that he would ever judge you 😤

Son of Gondor sees past all of your insecurities and knows you for your beautiful, amazing self ❤❤

Gimli (Walking disadvantages)

As you travel across great plains and mountains, your limp doesn't go unnoticed by Gimli

It may take him a while to open up about it, since he's afraid he might offend you in some way

And once he asks you, you inform him that it's a difficulty that unfortunately cannot be changed any time soon

And where you come from, lots of people tease and bully you about it

He did NOT handle it well 😳

"wHAT BLUBBERING DULL-MINDED PIGNUTS-" 🤬

Although this Dwarf is short and a bit slow at times

He's fascinatingly strong 😳

And so, he makes it his duty to be your designated carrier 🥺

At first, your a tad skeptical...

I mean, he's only around 4 feet tall...

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIM THROW THAT HUGE AX AROUND?!

Gimli will happily carry you great distances when you need a break, and even longer

(Sometimes it's just to show off around the others-)

"Gimli, are you sure you don't want a break?"

"Aye lass! The strength of Dwarves is unending!" 😌

*struggling to breathe*

11/10, fantastic dwarf, will never let you down!!

Thorin (Executive Dysfunction)

Another Dwarf??

Absolutely

Thorin himself has trouble keeping composure with his time management (and sense of direction 🙄)

This means that he'll have an undying amount of patience for you and you only

There's just something about you that he fond of, and it fills in that little sassy, brooding place in his heart

Can also relate to you whenever you grow frustrated at the setback of your journey or lack of sleep

Is 100% willing to help you find your lost belongings (and once again, ONLY YOU)

Thorin will literally make the whole traveling party stop so that you can put something in your bag and make sure that you put it somewhere you'll remember

Always happy to give you extra gentle reminders of keeping your pack closed

The company is utterly SHOCKED with how he treats you

I mean, this man has always been extremely stubborn and hard headed

But when you show up, it's another person he can easily relate and share frustrations with

Also a master at organization?!? 🤔

The one thing he could do successfully was organizing the damn journey and traveling company, so ofc he's gonna be good at that 😂

Yeah, Thorin definitely has a soft spot for you

King under the mountain will never run out of patience and kindness for you 😌💙

Sorry these took so long!! I hope you like them!! ❤❤

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[www-artforoddballs]

Headcannon for Levi-

Autism Update!

The man meets a human with Autism and is like

"...huh"

So he asks Lucifer to get him tested, and Lucifer is like "Okay sure"

And the results come back that he is, indeed, autistic.

This former angel, this demon, who by human standards is an ancient being of yore...

He gets diagnosed with Autism. High-functioning Autism, but he's autistic regardless.

And it all makes sense.

Boy suddenly feels way less alone in the world because he knows there are other people out there who hyperfocus on things they love just like him, who can't socialize or easily relate to other people just like him.

I also feel like after having this revelation, his brothers would ease up a bit on the teasing.

Brothers react (quickest acceptance to slowest)

MAMMON:

-Surprisingly (other than Luci and Satan, because...c'mon, Satan loves knowledge and Luci is a Responsible Big Brother *tm*) Mammon is the first to learn more about autism. He may not be the smartest of the brothers, but (in my opinion) is probably the one that's most in touch with his feelings and his empathy, despite still having that selfish streak.

-He wants to know more about Autism so he can understand Levi better and help make his brother more comfortable during their interactions.

-He'd also start stealing things from Levi less, because he now knows that there's another level to that memorabilia from anime and games for Levi than just stuff he likes.

-Will 100% buy Levi a stim toy when he gets some extra cash but shhHHHHH it's not from the tsundere crow man

-Probably comes around to fully understanding everything the quickest, despite both Luci and Satan reading up on it n stuff.

LUCIFER:

-This one is tricky, because he understands what autism is from a logical standpoint, but he still has a bit of trouble really understanding how it effects Levi

-Will also get a stim toy for his brother, probably like an infinity cube or something

-Still not really getting it until Levi has a meltdown

-Lucifer has dealt with Levi's meltdowns before, but moreso in a "my brother who is the avatar of envy is just throwing a fit" way instead of a "my brother who is having a meltdown as a cry for help needs me" way

-Instantly goes to Levi with probably either a handheld game or one of his stim toys

-Uses nonverbal ways for his brother to communicate with him so he'll know how to help him through this

-Will 100% get his brother noise canceling headphones and also take rigorous notes on what is ok with Levi and what isn't when it comes to stimulus

BEEL:

-Autism??? What's that???

-Poor boy is a bit dense at times but we still love him

-Supportive but not really sure of what to do or what to say or how to react

-If Levi had a meltdown around him though you'd best be certain that he'll be the first to scoop his brother up and REMOVE HIM FROM WHATEVER SITUATION IS CAUSING HIM HARM

-Gradually starts to understand more and more about the condition

-After all, his brother is still his brother. This label doesn't change anything, Levi has always been autistic, this label just helps people better understand him

-Will be the first to deck someone if they make fun of Levi for his autism. Doesn't even care if he gets in trouble later, you don't make fun of anyone, especially his family, for something they can't control.

-8/10, overall good bro

SATAN:

-OK I know I put Beel higher than him and this is why

-Satan read up on what Autism is, yes.

-But the man is still TECHNICALLY the youngest. He is the only member of the family who was never an Angel, as he was born from Lucifer's wrath toward everything when Lilith "died", which was when Lucifer ceased to be an angel completely. Everyone else was an angel at some point, so even though Belphie is the "youngest" because he has the weakest power, Satan is far younger than everyone else when it comes to actual age. Okay? Okay.

-ANYWAYS IGNORE MY RANT

-As the youngest (and I am technically correct here on him being the youngest ok bye-) and because he was literally born from nothing but wrath and hatred, the man is still learning on all the other emotions. And this is a canonical fact, anyways.

-So like his brother-father, Luci, Satan understands what Autism is, but he also doesn't understand what it is at the same time.

-He read up on it, that's good enough for him.

-He still cares about Levi, and just like everyone else (even though I only listed it for Beel) he knows that this label doesn't change who Levi is at all

-Gradually he starts getting a better grasp on everything. Will 100% be next in line to deck someone if they make fun of Levi for being autistic.

-They both like TSL so it would be an activity where he could really relate to his big brother and learn more about how his brain works so he would be better equipped to help him and how to best be there for him and relate to him in the future.

BELPHIE:

-Belphie is kind of a jerk toward everyone except Beel. But it is clear that he loves his family in his own weird way (even Lucifer, but he'll kill you if you even think of revealing this fact to Luci).

-Doesn't really get it, but the man isn't as self-absorbed as Asmo, which is one main reason I think he'd come around to it quicker than the lustful demon.

-Does want to understand it, but is also asleep like 70% of the time, so when anybody tries explaining it to him he ends up falling asleep.

-Eventually will probably get an audio book about the subject so if he falls asleep he can just resume from wherever he remembers it leaving off.

-Understands how Beel acts and reacts to situations where Levi is having a meltdown or is getting overwhelmed by noises or amounts of people and attention, so this does for sure help him better understand and accept the condition. Because Levi is still Levi, ultimately.

-Will probably let Levi rant to him about his favorite things. It would make Levi happy and seeing his brother happy would make him happy, even if he ends up falling asleep during Levi infodumping onto him.

ASMO:

-Man is self-absorbed.

-Not that he doesn't wanna get it, but he was barely paying attention when the results were shared with everybody because he was looking at a makeup tutorial on DevilGram.

-Like a month later he's pulled aside because he did something to really upset Levi, like bugging him repeatedly to take pictures for the gram with him and forcing him to livestream, and he's like

-"Yeah but I always do that?...he had a meltdown? What's a meltdown?"

-Will actually look up what a meltdown is after this

-Probably feels terrible but still doesn't really get it.

-"Why should I have to change myself for him?"

-Because you shouldn't be consciously making anyone uncomfortable, autistic or not, ASMO.

-Probably takes the two of them getting into a big fight and Levi to actually start crying for him to snap to his senses

-Will actually take time to do research and try to understand it better

-Still doesn't really fully get it, but he's doing his best to do this for his big bro

-6/10

[zosonils-art]

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Relationship: Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn

Characters: Ferb Fletcher, Phineas Flynn, Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Linda Flynn-Fletcher

Additional Tags: Autistic Ferb, Autistic Phineas, autistic phineas is more implied and could also be taken as adhd but he has both anyway so, Autistic Meltdown, Autism, Sensory Overload, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Illustrations, Canon Continuation, Fix-It of Sorts, i think????? i don't frequent this goddamn website i don't know, Brotherly Love, Crying, some of the crying is me

Summary: A stressful day pushes Ferb past his breaking point, and Phineas feels that he has a responsibility to set things right. Takes place immediately after Ready For The Bettys. Was supposed to be a simple continuation fic but got wildly out of hand. Ph*n*rb shippers fuck off this isn't for you.

---

as you’ve probably figured out if you’re following my main, i recently wrote my first fic since i was about 13! it’s available on ao3 at the link above, but you can also read it on tumblr by clicking the readmore on this post! i put a lot of effort into this and it took a lot of courage to post, so feedback is greatly appreciated!

"Mom! Guess what Ferb did!"

Phineas bursts into the kitchen energetically, still buzzing with adrenaline from the day's adventure. Ferb follows a step or two behind. Linda turns her attention from the freshly baked pie in her hands to her sons, although Phineas is too beside himself with excitement to consider whether or not she's paying attention. "He made a secret tunnel, and a spy headquarters, and a villain's lair, and a hover jet shaped like Perry- tell her, Ferb!"

Ferb doesn't match Phineas' enthusiasm. In fact, at the moment, he's sick to death of it. He prepares to launch into the explanation he's been trying all day to give. "Actually, I-"

"Wait a second," Linda interrupts, eyeing the boys with suspicion. "Why are you two soaking wet?"

The interruption is just too much for Ferb. He doesn't even process the question, just lets out a harsh shout of frustration. Phineas recoils - Ferb almost never shouts. "I give UP!" Ferb yells, his voice shaking on the last syllable, and before either of his surprised family members can respond, he turns around and storms off, his destination betrayed by the distinct clunking rhythm of stairs being stomped on too hard and the sound of a door slamming upstairs.

For a moment, the kitchen is silent. Linda recovers before Phineas does, her eyes narrowing in disapproval. "Young man, that is not how we talk to each other in this house!" she calls, setting the pie tin and her oven mitts down on the kitchen counter and following Ferb's path to his room. Before she can make it to the doorway, though, her progress is halted.

"Mom, wait!" Phineas pleads. He's finally caught onto what's been going on all day, and although he's still only half processed it, he knows he doesn't want Ferb to be in trouble for it. He frantically tugs on Linda's arm to draw her attention. Once he's sure that she's stopped, he withdraws his hand (he's still wet, after all, he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable), but sidesteps around her to put his tiny body firmly between her and the doorway to the living room. "Mom, please don't be mad at Ferb, it- it's not his fault! I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, he's just..." Phineas' voice trails off briefly, but he forces it back into action, complete with the most serious expression he can manage. "If you're gonna be mad at either of us, it should be me, okay?"

At first, Linda returns Phineas' gaze with suspicion, then her face softens with realisation. She crouches down to her son's eye level, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Phineas, did something else happen today?" she asks, the anger gone from her voice.

Phineas hesitates, dropping eye contact again. He's almost certain about the cause of Ferb's outburst, and he can't help but mentally beat himself up for it to a degree. "Well, Ferb's been trying to tell me something all day, but he kept getting interrupted by our spy mission, and I guess it must have been really frustrating because he hates being interrupted but I didn't realise and-" he pauses to breathe, and shudders as he inhales as if on the verge of tears - "and I should have asked at some point but I just kept getting distracted and I didn't even realise how upset it was making him but-"

"Phineas," Linda says gently, and he gladly accepts the invitation to cut his rambling short. His breathing is shaky, but he doesn't cry just yet, even though his emotional state has nosedived in barely a minute. After giving him a moment to snap back into focus, Linda continues. "Phineas, honey, it sounds like this has just been a misunderstanding. On my end, too," she adds, regretting having snapped at Ferb earlier. Phineas nods with a nondescript mumble of agreement. Although he still obviously isn't looking, Linda gives him a reassuring smile anyway, accompanied by a gentle squeeze of his shoulder. "Thank you for telling the truth, sweetheart," she praises him.

"Mmh," Phineas mumbles, tugging at his shirt collar. He tends to fiddle with his shirt when he's nervous or overexcited. It doesn't hold a candle to bouncing his leg or flapping his hands, as far as stimming goes, but it's a lot easier to do while someone is touching you. "I just should've realised what was up earlier, then he probably wouldn't have freaked out..."

He finally glances up again, and the look his mom is giving him tells him that he should drop the argument, so he stops. Linda ruffles his hair affectionately, leaning forward to reach all the way behind Phineas' oddly-shaped head, and flinches at the unpleasant reminder of how waterlogged he still is. She stands up, flicking her hand dry. "I'm sure he knows you didn't mean to hurt his feelings," she reassures Phineas. "Why don't you dry yourself off and then go talk to him? Which reminds me," Linda motions towards the puddles tracked all over the kitchen floor, "why are you two so wet?"

"Oh, we fell in Isabella's pool," Phineas answers matter-of-factly. He isn't quite back to his usual blindingly sunny disposition, but the panicky tremble in his voice has at least disappeared.

Linda smiles, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "Well, that I believe," she says. She'd tactfully decided not to comment on whatever that secret spy headquarters spiel was that Phineas had been getting worked up over, but she suspects his latest imaginary game took the boys to Isabella's backyard and ended up having some real-life consequences. "Oh, hi, Perry," she adds, as the platypus in question waddles into the kitchen.

Perry responds with his familiar chatter. Phineas leans down to pet Perry on the head. "At least you've had a stress-free day, huh," he says, then leaves for the bathroom. Perry stares at him blankly.

---

Ferb is having a meltdown.

He knows what this is, of course. He reads every textbook and blog post on the subject he can find, just in case it helps him make some more sense of himself. If he misses one, Phineas will no doubt have found and memorised it himself for the same reason, and will gladly rattle off anything new. Knowing why there's a raging storm beating at the inside of his head, however, is entirely different from quelling it. By the time he reaches his bedroom, he's trembling so violently that he can barely stand. He stumbles to his bed, pushing his hands down into the mattress to keep himself on his feet.

It's like feeling every feeling from every second of the day all in the same moment, and it hurts. So much is happening in his head that he can't even isolate a single thought, let alone process what it means. Is he angry? That'd make sense, sure, but his mental state isn't exactly conducive to deductive reasoning at the moment. Is he sad? Scared? Something else entirely?? He can't tell what emotion or mixture thereof it is, only that it's hurting his head, and he wants to get it out but he doesn't know how. He's struggling to breathe now, his arms shaking with the effort of keeping his body supported, and as he draws in a desperate shuddering breath Ferb feels something wet in his eye and then on his face, and he remembers that his entire body is wet and he hates it. It's cold, and his hair is sticking to his face and uncomfortably close to his eyes, and his clothes cling to his body oppressively and he wants to tear them off and stop feeling everything. Instead of doing that, he forces himself to breathe in again and looks around the room frantically, hoping to find something other than absolutely everything to concentrate on.

His eyes land on Phineas' bed, and although his vision is blurring as the panicky tears pour down his face, he recognises the shape instantly. Is he mad at Phineas? Should he be? He should be, right? If Phineas had just stopped to listen to him for once, he wouldn't be here with the world ending inside his brain. Another violent wave of emotion sends a shock through his whole body, and Ferb is still in no state to identify it, but he gets the message. He doesn't want to be angry. Not at Phineas. In fact, he doesn't want to feel anything he's feeling at the moment. Not the turbulent assault of everything inside his head, not the hammering rhythm of his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, not every tiny thing that touches his skin or the light from outside that still feels blinding through the curtains or the muffled sounds of conversation downstairs that he doesn't have room in his brain to translate into anything but more noise.

Sensory overload is another term Ferb knows, and it's another one that doesn't really help to know in the moment. The feeling of anxiety that's been growing in his chest since that morning finally becomes too much for his body to handle, and he collapses on his bed, weakly gripping the blanket for support. Burying his face in his covers blocks out most of the sunlight, at least, but it doesn't significantly improve his mood. He shivers, partly from cold thanks to still being uncomfortably wet, partly from the sobs making his whole body convulse. (When did those start? He doesn't remember.) He uses the last of his physical strength to pull himself fully onto his bed and curl into himself, trying desperately to calm himself down.

...

It's not working. Why isn't it working?? It's as if every effort to steady his breathing just makes him cry harder, every attempt at a calming thought being shattered into a thousand anxious ones by the merciless torrent of everything whirling around in his mind. Ferb is suddenly hyper-aware of how empty the room around him is, and it makes him feel helpless. It's the first feeling he's managed to connect a name to with absolute certainty this whole time, and it's terrifying.

If he was making any noise before in his attempts to control his breathing, he's stopped now. No sound escapes him as he lies in place, too preoccupied with the overwhelming barrage of thoughts in his brain to move. More than anything, Ferb wants his brain to just shut off. Everything in his mind blends into a horrible white noise that won't stop, threatening to drown him in static.

Through the raging mental cyclone, he just barely hears the knock at the door.

Phineas waits a moment before entering his room. He wants to make sure Ferb has time to process that he's here. A few seconds pass, then he opens the door slowly so that it doesn't make any sound. A stab of guilt hits him when he sees Ferb curled up on his bed, visibly distressed. He's facing the opposite wall, but the way he shudders as he breathes makes it obvious that he's crying. Phineas feels his heart sink. He'd really hoped it wouldn't be this bad.

"Hey," he says softly. Ferb grips himself tighter. Just a minute ago, Phineas would have been the last person he wanted to see, but now his desperation for comfort outweighs any lingering hints of animosity. He doesn't object to his brother's presence, so Phineas gently closes the door and walks over to his side of the room. He sits on the bed, watching Ferb to see if he reacts negatively to the shift in weight distribution, and tenses up slightly at how damp the blanket is. Of course, Ferb wouldn't have stopped to dry off on his way up here. A closer look confirms that while a lot of the water on his body has run off and soaked into his bed, Ferb is still almost as wet as he was when he arrived home. Phineas frowns - that can't be comfortable, and it's probably making him feel even worse. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Ferb curls into himself even more instead of asking. The question is so frustratingly rhetorical that he almost reconsiders the possibility of being angry, but the idea still scares him, so the feeling passes. Fortunately, Phineas understands the unspoken 'obviously not' with no further input, and continues to talk. "I'm really sorry about today," he begins. "I know you don't like being interrupted, and I should've realised that it was making you feel bad but I just wasn't paying enough attention and- and I'm sorry, because it's kinda my fault you got so upset," he apologises, not realising that he's holding back tears until he stops to breathe. He wills himself not to cry. He's here to try and make Ferb feel better, not guilt him into forgiveness.

It takes a second or two for Ferb to process what Phineas is saying. It's a struggle to drag the words through the confusing whirlwind of everything still rampaging through his head. Eventually, after a great deal of mental effort, he shakes his head in response. Perhaps he was angry before, he still can't tell, but he definitely isn't now. He can't manage anything beyond the simple gesture, but it's not the first time he's been utterly uncommunicative, so Phineas understands the meaning as well as he needs to: it's not your fault.

"Th-thanks," he stutters, although Ferb's acceptance does little to settle the crushing feeling of responsibility. "Next time you can speak I'll let you tell me whatever it is you needed to, okay? I promise." He smiles a little. "No more secret agent business to interrupt you."

The last sentence sure prompts a reaction from Ferb - he rolls over so that his face is entirely buried in the blanket and makes a frustrated noise without opening his mouth, his body shaking with some mixture of anger and physical strain. Phineas inhales sharply and recoils, no more prepared for an audible outburst from Ferb than the first time. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, already speed-testing possible answers in his head. "Did you not have fun today? Of- of course you didn't, that's why you're upset, but I thought you did a great job on the spy mission! It was really cool." He's trying to be reassuring, but Ferb just shakes harder, seemingly becoming more aggravated rather than less.

Phineas tilts his head in confusion. "Ferb? Ferb, it's okay, I-I'm sorry. Did... did it not go the way you planned?" he guesses, searching increasingly frantically for any change in Ferb's body language. "Hmm... oh, were you not finished building it yet?" He thinks back to Ferb's numerous attempts at speaking to him throughout the day, hoping that he'll find some clue that makes everything fall into place - and something clicks in his brain. He deflates a little at how painfully obvious the realisation seems in retrospect, with a soft "Oh." Sighing at his own ignorance, he directs his voice to Ferb again as he says, "You didn't actually build all that, did you?"

Ferb sits up slowly and turns to Phineas with his signature deadpan glare, the silent, biting sarcasm undermined significantly by the tears still falling from his eyes. Phineas hums concernedly. "Is that what you were trying to tell me?" he asks. Ferb gets partway through rolling his eyes before giving up and returning to the fetal position.

Phineas sighs sadly. He hates seeing his brother cry. There's nothing he wants to do more than pull him into the tightest hug he can manage, but he knows Ferb won't appreciate being touched in this state, so he opts to fiddle with his shirt again to keep his hands busy. "Who do you think did build that stuff?" he asks. Ferb doesn't care. On any other day, a secret spy lair being hidden under his house would be cause for immeasurable excitement, but after the day's events he's thoroughly sick of thinking about the subject. Phineas picks up on Ferb's antipathy towards the question and, sensing that it might be a sore topic for some time, decides not to bring it up again for a while. He'll satisfy his curiosity sometime when it doesn't come at the expense of Ferb's comfort.

An uncomfortable silence falls over the boys. It's broken when Ferb suddenly sniffles loud enough to make Phineas jump, sits up again, and halfheartedly tries to wipe the tears from his face. "Oh geez, hold on," Phineas says, leaning over to rummage through his short pockets. He eventually pulls out a wad of tissues, somehow unaffected by the earlier impromptu dive into Isabella's pool. He offers them with a gentle "here you go" to Ferb, who takes a few silently and scrubs at his eyes.

While he still doesn't feel good by any stretch of the definition, Ferb at least doesn't feel completely awful anymore. What was once a violent hurricane in his mind has receded enough that he can focus on the world around him without breaking down, at least for the time being, and he's left feeling just drained. He balls up his handful of tissues and tosses them at the bin under his desk. The ball makes it to Phineas' leg before unceremoniously bouncing to a stop. Phineas picks it up and throws it the rest of the way to the trash, standing up to do so.

Rather than sit down again, he kneels down and pulls out one of the drawers conveniently built into the bed. Ferb watches inquisitively, still too out of it to immediately catch onto what's happening. Phineas rummages a little before finally pulling out a pair of pyjamas, suggesting, "You should dry off and change your clothes." He pauses to think. "Can you make it downstairs to the bathroom by yourself?" he asks. At any other time, it would be a silly question, but Ferb is always exhausted after a meltdown. The visible effort it's taking him just to stay upright isn't lost on Phineas. Ferb ponders the question, then gives a tentative nod. He's definitely shaky, but he really wants to change into something dry.

"Great!" Phineas smiles encouragingly. "Should I bring the usual stuff to the living room? Your bed's probably not gonna feel comfortable until it dries out." Ferb glances down at the unmistakable damp silhouette of where he had been lying earlier and nods again, more confidently. He slowly gets to his feet, first pushing against his bed for support, then grasping the hand Phineas offers him. He lets go once he's certain he's regained his balance, and only then does Phineas hand him his pyjamas. "I'll come meet you downstairs, okay?" Phineas says. Then, pulling at the bottom of his shirt, which is still a bit soggy despite his best efforts to towel it off, he adds, "I should probably change into something dry as well."

---

Ferb rubs his eyes as he comes out of the bathroom, his drenched clothes swapped out for his much more comfortable pyjamas. He's stopped crying, it seems, but he's still feeling sensitive enough that the light from outside bothers him. He's relieved to discover that it's much darker in the living room - Phineas must have been here already. The curtains are drawn so that the lamp on the end table is the only light source in the room, softly illuminating its surroundings with a pleasant warm glow. He doesn't have the energy to analyse the entire room, even in these far more bearable conditions, but his attention is drawn to his favourite weighted blanket folded neatly on the couch. He sits down and drags the blanket over him, struggling a bit with the weight, but relaxing once he feels its reassuring pressure on his legs.

It's as he's settling into his position on the couch that Phineas enters with an "Oh, there you are, Ferb!". Perry is firmly but comfortably wedged under one of his arms, like a fuzzy teal football or loaf of bread, and seems altogether unbothered by his position. Ferb gasps quietly at the sight of Perry, his eyes brightening momentarily, and reaches out for him with various soft noises of urgency. Phineas wastes no time in setting Perry down next to Ferb, and the platypus reacts with a gentle, almost soothing chatter. Ferb instinctively mimicks the sound under his breath, and Perry responds with a nearly identical noise. Ferb echoes it again, slightly louder this time, and his face lights up with a weak smile, the first one he's managed all day.

Taking this as a sign of progress, Phineas sighs with relief as he sits on the sofa. He makes sure to maintain a respectful distance from Ferb, who's running a hand through Perry's fur as they echo the same low growling noise back at each other. (It pains Phineas not to join in, but he senses the two have gotten themselves into a groove that would be rude to interrupt.) Ferb's smile fades almost as soon as it appears, but he seems much more relaxed after the change in clothes and scenery. His hair is sticking up in every direction from being towelled dry, and Phineas stifles a laugh at how silly it looks. The back-and-forth chattering eventually dies down, and it's only then that Phineas continues. "Mom's gonna make you some tea, and she says if you aren't feeling better by dinner you can eat in here if you want," he says. Ferb turns to him and raises a thumbs-up briefly before returning his hand and focus to Perry.

Phineas quietly watches his brother for a moment before speaking again. "Do you want me to stay?" he asks. Exactly how sociable Ferb is while he's coming out of a meltdown varies. He almost invariably needs some time on his own to mentally reset, but sometimes it helps if someone he trusts is there to reassure him for a while first. In Phineas' experience, asking is always the best way to tell.

Ferb hesitates for a second, then surprises both of them with his answer, which is to turn and collapse into Phineas' lap with one arm hooked over his legs in a sort of pseudo-hug. Phineas tenses up, not sure how to react. He cautiously puts an arm around Ferb, in a comforting gesture that doesn't fully subject him to the overwhelming sensory experience of a true hug. Ferb doesn't fight it, just repositions himself so that he's lying down with Phineas as a makeshift pillow and sinks further into the gentle embrace. Phineas laughs softly. "Okay, I guess you do."

This is nice, Ferb thinks. Definitely an improvement over violently sobbing alone in his room. Perry must be feeling relaxed too, because he climbs onto Ferb's stomach, circles a few times, lets out one more chatter, then flops down and goes to sleep, purring gently. Phineas giggles at the platypus' behaviour, and Ferb's shoulders shake in silent laughter - his blanket absorbs enough of the sensation that it just tickles. Watching Perry doze off reminds him that he's still exhausted, despite the positive change in environment, and his attempt to stifle a yawn fails. He's still on high alert, and he knows he won't be sleeping for longer than a few minutes until the emotional clutter completely drains from his mind. With that said, both the blanket and Perry weighing down on him make for a pretty cosy combination, and he finds himself fighting to keep his eyes open. Maybe just a moment of rest will be good for him.

Before he knows it, his eyes are closed, and he's powerless to prevent himself from drifting off. Phineas accepts his new career as a pillow without comment, simply adjusting his right hand so that both his arms are positioned protectively around his brother. Being trapped in place for the time being doesn't worry him. Ferb won't mind being stirred awake when their mom arrives with his tea, and until then Phineas can easily occupy himself with thoughts of what to do tomorrow. Besides, he can subject himself to a few minutes of quiet if that's what Ferb needs. What kind of a brother would he be if he couldn't, right?

Ferb half-consciously brings a hand to Phineas' wrist, as if it'll float off if he isn't holding on. He can feel his brain shutting down, and he welcomes the change. The last thing he's aware of before his consciousness finally leaves him in peace for a moment is the sound of Phineas' voice, promising him, "You're gonna be okay."

[double--cross-d]

As is fair exchange, I feel like I should make my own current Wick headcannon page for @plummyplums (holy crap they did accidentally delete their old blog)

In general

All died around the same time frame

They get more decayed depending on how pissed they are (no way out appearances anyone?)

Mary and John were highly abusive, there was nothing supernatural, But the priest didn't help. Mary was killed by the Ghost Tom immediately after she buried Caleb alive, but he left the body in the charred house so no one knew.

Every ghost is part of the Tom Protection Squad™️

The order of the shelf items were the order they died.

Twin general

Both had autism, Tim is higher functioning than Tom

Both were 10

Both died on the same night.

Their father kicked them out into the woods when they were 8 for a year. After he died their mom finally let them back inside, but was still neglectful of them

Due to how cold the woods got at night, the two got in the habit of cuddling each other in order to stay warm, it was purely platonic, don't worry.

This carried to inside because their mom never got them any blankets (though Caleb gave them several of his)

Lillian and Caleb thought it was fucked up how their parents treated the two and did everything they could to help

Tim

Died in the house fire, attempting to keep the already dead corpse of Tom company.

Stims usually include whittling and basically any woodwork.

Can and will stab a man for his brother.

Was the younger twin, but always threated people by saying he was the older twin.

The first one who took a liking to Sam, whenever they found something, he'd be the one to take it back to the shed.

Is surprisingly the less violent twin, but not by much.

Mom fully convinced him that he was a demon, believes that he never died in the fire, just managed to fall asleep in the flames

His face is coved in bandages under the mask due to it being heavily burned.

Tom

Died from polio before the fire started in his twin's arms.

The rattle is a big comfort object. The only person allowed to handle it is Tim. Sam's position on the matter is... questionable at best.

Nonverbal to the point that's he's practically mute.

When Sam's They/It ass came along, Tom was full on estatic that there weren't limitations on pronouns. He decided that he was one of those He/They's we keep hearing about

He was terrified that his mom was right about him being a demon. The first thing he did when he woke up after dying was jump of the bridge because, 'oh shit I am a demon', which did nothing but break more bones.

Tim quickly assured them that he was the only demon of the family, not Tom

The leg brace helps him walk better than not.

The more violent twin. You're human? You look at him? You hurt Tim? You fucking die, no questions asked.

Really likes being carried. Sam is the only one tall enough to do this, though Benny and Tim have both tried.

Caleb

Died by being buried alive by his mother, thinking that he had died in the fire.

Full on feral.

Seriously, he can't even talk that well, if he even can.

Doesn't even know the concept of gender, only hunt.

Has killed 3 moose and will kill another.

When he's not digging he's either killing something, chasing something on all fours, or chilling with Sam.

Oh yeah, Sam's his favorite person. You can tell from the fact that he not only uses them as a pillow, but they can hold him without their wrists being depleted.

He still chews on their legs

Was the one behind the camp being 'vacated'. He literally ate everyone there and fell asleep just as morning hit.

When he was alive he has ADHD, but was hella good at masking because his twin brother's got treated awfully for acting like your average autistic child.

His stims were running around, chewing on things, and crocheting.

No one questioned the fact that he liked to crochet, as it was productive and really good. He usually just did blankets but occasionally made clothes and toys for Lillian

Due to the fact he made so many blankets his bed was just a mound of blanket and they were often gifted to the rest of the family, especially the twins.

Had anorexia. Rarely ate, and mostly gave the food to the twins (out of both concern and I'm not eating this)

This is part of the reason that, in death, he will eat anything that he can get his hands on

Was bone thin when Benny got him and Lillian out of the fire and he had suffered several nasty burns, that's how his mom thought he died.

Lillian

Died by dropping her plush in the well and going after it

Loves bunnies so much

Tried her best to help her twin brothers, which mainly included sneaking food out to them

Really scared of her father, even though he died when she was 4.

Thought that Tom fell down the well before her

Enjoys giving hugs

Really Likes when Sam does her hair

Benny

Died from hypothermia in his sleep.

A less abusive apparition of his mother when awake. Caring towards his siblings, but highly cautious around the twins.

Had issues referring to Sam correctly, until they gave him the advice, 'Just refer to me like I'm a swarm of bees'

It actually worked

Dyslexic

Almost always sleeping because he died in his sleep

Sam

Fell on an axe at the beginning of hour 5 and didn't notice they were dying of blood loss until they blacked out, only to wake up on the bus and see their name.

Another abusive dad! This one actually was murdered by Tim somehow and nobody noticed but Sam.

Was actually rescued at 5 AM by the police, but, again, bled to death

A They/It Nonbinary, none of the kids but Benny had any issue referring to them by correct pronouns, and even then, Benny had a lot of help.

The Weaver kids just adopted them as an older sibling. They had no say in the matter.

When Duncan and co. Got out of jail and continued their shitty ways, they full on killed them all, even the next to be player

Loves their new family, even if they're all a little dead.

Surprised that Caleb was the one to get most attached, but then remembered that he killed a moose that was about to attack them, gave them some of the flesh to eat, and then just fell asleep on them.

Was in a house fire a few weeks before the game took place. Half of their face and their right hand are heavily burned.

Looks blind, but is only blind in one eye. The other doesn't fair much better though.

Despite getting top surgery, they're still aiming for confusion among the victims

Autism, and doesn't really speak too much because frequent nonverbal episodes

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?”  He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask  you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

[mellometal]

Here are the last few things I want to say about Dhar Mann. Because he's not a good person to support and I cannot believe people support him unironically.

I was misguided to an extent in my first response to him on the video he made about ASD. The whole complimenting him thing in my comments was only to ensure that my comments would not be deleted and that I wouldn't get blocked. That's why it sounded like I was sucking up to him in some parts of my comments. I actually WANT people to see them. I would hope at least SOMEONE would resonate with them in some way. I want people to see how videos about subjects he knows NOTHING about and probably will NEVER know about can and do affect people. I don't think he's a good person. At all.

Dhar Mann's videos reek of wannabe superiority. There are some things that people have brought up about him having a savior complex on Reddit, but I don't want to go into the entire psychological aspect of him...if such a thing exists. I may find psychology interesting, but he's not worth going into a whole psychological analysis over. I'm not licensed to do any kind of diagnoses on him anyway.

His morals are extremely watered down with quotes that even kids in preschool can understand. It honestly feels like he's talking down to his audience. (Why does he have an audience? The world may never know.) Dude, NOBODY appreciates being talked down to like they're stupid.

While sometimes, it's obvious that he's trying to come from a good place, it still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't go into WHY the events that happen in the videos are bad, what we can do to change it, nothing. I don't recall him putting down any reputable resources for anything he makes. If he has, it must be like finding Atlantis. For example, in his videos that are supposed to be tackling homelessness, he only goes into the whole narrative that we gotta be nice to homeless people. He never goes into the factors that cause homelessness. He never goes into any statistics. He doesn't share any reputable resources for the homeless population. Just goes into, "Be kind to homeless people!" and nothing else.

Another big example would have to be the videos he has made about disabilities. He seemed to KINDA tackle physical disabilities, but here's the thing. Physically disabled people aren't all helpless victims. Yes, some physically disabled people do require full support doing things. There are other physically disabled people who require moderate support, or even minimal support. Treating physically disabled people like they're just all helpless victims who you should feel bad for isn't helping them at all. They're not subhuman. They're human beings.

The video he made about Autism Spectrum Disorder is personally insulting. Treating ASD like it's a superpower harms autistic people and it honestly sounds like autistic people aren't being taken seriously. Calling ASD a "different ability" instead of calling it a disability (which is what ASD is) treats being autistic like it's a bad thing. (For anyone who found me through my first Dhar Mann post about his video on ASD, y'all already know my feelings about this. For anyone who's new here, doesn't know what's going on, and wants to know where I stand on that video in particular, please refer to that post.)

Like an anonymous person mentioned in the ask they sent earlier, Dhar Mann also made a video that was pro-cop. I knew about the video he made about a bunch of cops in training being sexist towards the only woman, which obviously ain't great either. I've seen that one and it made absolutely no sense to me. Dhar Mann, defeating sexism? *GASP!* We did it, feminists! We can go home now! Not.

Anyways, back to the pro-cop video. I didn't know that he made a video like that, so I searched for it. It was a pretty recent video too...and it's gross. The lady protesting in an alley really shouted in eight point font to "fire all cops". It took some guy stealing her purse for her to "change her mind" about cops.

The "cop" in the video really went into his whole life story about how he risks his life every day for people, fighting bad people (they even had a black man as the assailant trying to threaten a white woman, which is a disgusting racist stereotype and does nothing to help stop police brutality), and basically told this lady "Before you judge me, get to know ME!"

MOTHERFUCKER. FIREFIGHTERS, PARAMEDICS, AND THE ENTIRE MEDICAL FIELD, TO NAME A FEW, RISK THEIR LIVES EVERY DAY TOO. But you don't see a song that says "Fuck the fire department!" or "Fuck paramedics!", do you? (I have some choice words for parts of the medical field because of how some think it's okay to refuse to help people for being LGBT, not taking BIPOC seriously when they seek medical attention, refusing to help people for the religion they practice or lack thereof, the fatphobia, etc. I won't dive completely into it, but if you choose to be in the medical field and you refuse to help people for the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, their gender identity, their religious beliefs or lack thereof, their weight, or ANYTHING along those lines, FIND A DIFFERENT CAREER.)

Police brutality towards black people is the highest out of every race. Not to mention that black people are the number one target for the police. The amount of black people being killed by the police will only keep increasing unless we all do something to put an end to police brutality towards black people. Black lives matter, and they ALWAYS will.

Can we also talk about how the police aren't equipped to deal with anything related to mental health or disabilities? Because the way they handle people having mental health crises, disabled people, and mentally ill people as a whole is heartless and ableist. AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT ON THEIR VEHICLES THAT THEY'RE SAFE FOR DISABLED PEOPLE AND SHIT IN CERTAIN PLACES IN THE UNITED STATES.

Just because there are good cops, it doesn't make ALL cops good. It doesn't change the fact that ACAB. It doesn't change the fact that the police has way too much funding. It doesn't change the fact that the police need to be reformed. Honestly, in this day and age, there are way too many corrupt cops who want to be all superior and treat people like they're subhuman to see any good cops among them.

I did a little research on Dhar Mann's history before he decided to do all these fucking cringe videos. He was sentenced to five years of probation back in 2014 for five felony counts related to a scheme to defraud the City [Oakland, California] by submitting false claims and receipts in order to receive redevelopment grant money. He pleaded no contest to the five felony counts of fraud. Not a good look!

His voice is ear grating and crusty and he has a very punchable face. Every time I hear his voice, it triggers my fight or flight response.

HEEEEYYYY, DHAR MANN FAM! SO YOU SEE, HE MAKES ALL THESE CRINGE ASS VIDEOS WITH WATERED DOWN MORALS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOPICS OF ANY OF THE VIDEOS AND REEK OF WANNABE SUPERIORITY! I hope you learned something from this message! He's not telling stories. He's not changing lives. He's a cringe ass nae-nae baby who can't bother to do actual research on topics he knows NOTHING about. He's ruining lives! Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time!

TL;DR: Dhar Mann is a piece of shit human being. Please stop supporting him.