#There's been a family hospital thing
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Page Delay!
Hi everyone, this week has been awful for me and I just can't get this weeks page finished. To avoid any more stress I've decided the best thing to do is to delay the page a slot.
The next Legacy page will be out Sunday the 26th Nov!
Sorry for the delay peeps, I think I'll implode if I have to try and force this page in for tomorrow
#Legacy#Sorry guys :/#There's been a family hospital thing#Work chaos#I'm not well and a recent Mental Health Diagnosis being really hard to deal with#Nearly lost one of my pets and yeah I need a little braek#The next page will definitely be up on the 26th#It's not a perm Hiatus or anything
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" just know that i'm always here for you, okay? "
i'm finally finishing up my s2 rewatch and getting to the 24th episode awoke a beast in me. so i wanted to make a fake screenshot based on some of their lore that takes place during that episode. i think they'd end up having a heart-to-heart moment since kuroba went through similar struggles after their grandfather's own hospitalization...
also have a bonus doodle bc i need to even out the balance between serious & goofy with these two.
#my urge to attempt writing a fic based on this is SO STRONG. even though i do not have a lot of experience w/ fic writing#buT GAAAA I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LAST TWO EPISODES AND KUROBA....#it's hard to put into words rn but god there's so much.....#like. kuroba trying to help out matsuyo behind the scenes since they sympathize with how hard things can be when i loved one ->#is in the hosptial due to something that could've been life threatening ( matsuzou's heart attack & chouji's hip + leg injury )#i also think they personally delivered some get-well flowers to matsuzou and checked up on him in the hospital#that's not even getting into everything that happens after the sextuplets die...#i won't go into it rn but there's a reason why matsuyo & matsuzou are very keen on kuroba marrying into the family#ALSO I FINALLY DREW A BACKGROUND AGAIN AFTER 50 YEARS#now ya'll have a lil insight on what the inside of kuroba's shop looks like hehe#hopefully my rambling is making sense rn. i hope it is 😭#osmt#yumematsu#osomatsu-san oc#karamatsu#mj ocs#oc : kuroba#ship : kurokara#mj draws
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all of those think-pieces and chapter predictions about an iz//cha confession, iz//cha floating in the sky together because of ochako's quirk (and that spirited away art), iz//cha kiss, i'll admit I was getting a bit scared despite the fact that none of that would've made any sense....only for nothing of the sort to take place
instead we got izuku + ochako comforting and uplifting each other in a way only they can given what they've gone through,, finally smiling,, being the best friends they are (also surrounded by their other friends!!)...oh I smiled and cheered. going to sleep tonight with a smile, horikoshi your mind, I knew I could trust you
#mind you bkdk still haven't had a formal talk yet...leaving things w the hospital room#which was more of a one-sided breakdown on kats' end#without unpacking izuku seeing katsuki die#they are the core of the series#leaving things at katsuki asking about the embers...oh that can't be it hori i'm onto you#saw some tweets saying bakudeku is finally dead#like....okay if you say so lmao!#no canon ship = bakudeku canon walk with me talk with me#mha 429#bnha 429#bakudeku#mha manga spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#bkdk#dkbk#trust that iz//cha couldve been developed so much more in an explicitly romantic sense if hori wanted to#class 2a storming in...oh that's family#im so glad my daughter ochako got her chance to talk to someone about toga#i love her sm#mmhp
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In b4 his heavy ass falls off the railings-
Video
#cereal's art#cece's art#law of talos#law of talos karl#castle of nations#unknown person#been quiet due to life shit#driving test- job hunting- family member in the hospital- same family member dying within a week#then mufasa va dying right after#it's...crazy to say the least#I'll get through it- things just suck rn and I'm taking things slow#sidenote; hands are so weird lmao i hate drawing them
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consider: mad genius who's also a very kind and lonely old man
actually adores children and connects with them better than most people because they are both openly candid, creative and curious
struggles with the asexual conundrum of wanting a spouse and offspring but ultimately Sucking So Much Ass at building intimacy with another person he skipped that part altogether and mad scienced his way into a family
#talking to the wall#wd gaster#gaster#thats him right there alright#sighs. thinking of him#might delete later?#just in case i get embarrassed of saying words shfjdfhdj#definitely illustration material though#college has just been taking a real toll on me in regards to art ⚰️#cannot wait to draw his date attempts#they all pretty much boil down to that one family guy clip#who the fuck starts a conversation like that I Just Sat Down#this is a very important man.#a very important smart man.#a very important creepy; inappropriately honest; forward to a fault; impossibly and intimidatingly smart old man.#who may or may not have made a few visits to the mental hospital in order to make sure he's not a danger to himself in his manic spikes#if there is such thing in the underground#“ok pops timeout yeah? you're very on fire. literally.”
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— But it's almost midnight. — Oh, that's the point! At the stroke of twelve, he turns into Dracula. C'mon, Vicki – he won't bite.
pose ref.
#dark shadows 1966#victoria winters#roger collins#➤ roger collins & victoria winters. ┊ pain sometimes precedes pleasure,miss winters.#vamp roger au tbt#➤ roger collins. ┊ I and my ghosts want a drink.#➤ victoria winters. ┊ because she’s lost and lonely. because she looks in shadows.#➤ edits & art. �� the evans cottage art gallery.#art.#i always feel a little apprehensive about putting r/v things in the general tags bc i know that's not everyone's cup of tea but.#if r/v squicks you out and you don't have me blocked idk why lmakldfgfg. that's what we do here.#well! did you know that the moonflower is a highly poisonous and psychoactive flower that belongs to the nightshade family#and can cause respiratory depression arrhythmias fever delirium hallucinations psychosis and death if taken internally.#and they are night-blooming and pollinated by sphinx moths. much to think about.#scenes from the vamp roger au that i've been plotting with tortie and have only posted like one thing about but. anyway.#should be making violent love to you behind a palm tree etc. but the moonflowers in liz's greenhouse will have to do.#yeah yeah yeah we've all heard about his more famous triangular cousin but what about the real collins vampire huh.#who was here in 1966 draining years off another man's life. who spent ten years in a coffin (augusta) and came back wrong.#who knows nothing but a habitual; driving; consuming thirst.#who feeds on the youth and innocence of his governess – of his sister's hospitality – of the shelter of the collins blood.#who prefers; instead of living; to bury himself in the collins tomb.#who creates not biological sons but makes other men into monsters just like him.#also lou was really hot as a vampire for 0.5 seconds in hods.
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it's weird how some families have so much physical history and documentation going back generations and memoirs written by their great-great-grandfather etc and like in my family. i dont even know my grandfather's name. nobody does lol we dont know his identity. like how can some families be so well documented and then in other cultures its basically impossible to find that history especially if it was destroyed by colonization or war
#it seems like this is a particularly american thing tho idk why they always have like the full name and history#of like their great great great great grandmother's second cousin or whatever#i tried looking into my family records once online and literally the only thing in existence is a record of my fathers birth in the 1960s#in a london newspaper#i guess its cool to know the exact hospital he was born at cuz i didnt before but like i wouldnt have even been able to find that#if i didnt know some extremely specific information already#its just weird hearing about other families and how much they know!!!!!#txt
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back on my bullshit: looking through and making edits to my doc full of Issues I Have That Haven't Ever Been Looked Into for the doctor. which may prove to be futile but i will not think to bring any of this up + will absolutely try and downplay it if i do not do this.
i still keep joking that i will hand them the papers and go "pick one and we can start there" as well as threatening to walk out if they so much as breathe the word "asthma" to me. hopefully i can actually do these things at the appointment.
and i know. i know that doctors hate it when you present possible diagnoses and that you should let them do it themselves but like. you don't understand. i have had 22 years of not having anything done when i had a health concern, to the point where i stopped even realizing that things were concerning until someone else pointed out to me that it may be a problem.
so im coming armed and prepared and if the doctor refuses to work with me like im an actual person, then i will leave and i will ask for a different doctor. rinse and repeat until i find someone who will actually help me.
#ik this is probably not the best way to do this i do i get that#but for my own sanity and the sake of actually getting things down as they ARE not as i fake#bc i am too anxious about seeming needy or useless or desperate for attention or whatever#then yeah. the doctor is getting my 8 page document of issues i have noticed i have#that have never actually been looked into by a medical professional bc military hospitals fucking suck ass#and i didn't have a choice before#(and then when i did i had too much anxiety to actually DO anything about it until now)#ough.#wish me luck for this appointment guys.#it's not for another 2 weeks or so but still#it's also a new patient appointment which. i assume means looking at current state and family history#more than any of this#but im bringing the doc anyway so they have an idea of whats going on#and again so they can choose a starting point.#breathing issues/gi issues/headaches/tinnitus/allergies#or any of the various mental health issues tho i figure those will be outsourced to someone else#since this is just general medicine lmao#but anyway. pick one and when we get somewhere with that we can do smth else#or if we get nowhere with that. whichever.#shh ac
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:(
#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it#i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it#like A MONTH#it should not be happening this long after#and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that#but it’s not fair#it’s never gonna be fair#why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this#and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me#and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am#IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!?#i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama#i literally want 2 die#tw death#i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world#did i not love her enough#should i have been better to get#*her#idk i just want her to know i adored her#and i need to hear her voice and get a hug#one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that#tw grief#i am never getting over losing her#please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk .#i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭#i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy
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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.
#mine#personal#brief storytime in the tags#one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy#her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me#i was happy to share that moment with them#we cried and laughed together#and my friends#their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous#it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together#BUT#im a pastor's kid#and my dad loves weddings#he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year#he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do#so i was happy to see him happy too#it just all felt so bittersweet to me#because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves#there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that#and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that#this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this#i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon#i would never marry a man in my generation#if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend#my happiest day would be another funeral for you#it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians#so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day#and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church#but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left#there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children
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i like how the american dad fandom collectively headcanons that roger had terrible, ab//sive parents back on his home planet
like take a look at this goofy alien guy: hes an alc//h//lic, he has traits of a multiple personality disorder, hes an addict, he has very clear abandonment issues and went on a family bender, he smokes; all those things right there are DEFINITELY trauma responses like he clearly has LOTS of trauma he isnt properly dealing with
he even keeps his dad in the smiths freezer and takes a bite of it every year on his bday for gods sake like he aint right in the head
#ik ik rog is an asshole a lot of the times and you shouldnt use trauma as an excuse for your actions-#and the whole ‘his species needs to be mean to survive’ thing-#but CLEARLY hes dealing with some serious issues here#like what has my babey boy been through?!???#istg if they dont make a decent roger backstory in the near future i am going to loose it#i need his backstory so badly 😭😭😭#i am happy though with the tidbits of his life here and there in the series#i like to think that the smiths have tried to get roger the help he needs multiple times like in family affair-#but he dismisses it says hes too ‘superior’ for it or goes once and thinks everything is fixed#i also like to think that when rog first came to the smiths and they treated him like the rest of the family-#he was taken aback at first bcuz he wasnt used to such kindness and hospitality from caregivers#i could go on and on with this but i wont lol#i could write a freaking novel based on hcs and theories i have regarding this show#ive officially got ad brainrot yall#american dad#roger smith#ad talk
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#for the first time im genuinely considering changing my major#n by considering i mean 'rlly want to but know deep down i cant'#cause like... i have NO IDEA what else i would do#like not a damn clue#so its either my current career path (which i have reason to believe im genuinely not cut out for) or... idk nothing???#well i'd hafta do something#but idk what#its jus that after a LOT of thought ive come to the conclusion that me being a nurse will do so much more harm than good for other ppl#i made the most careless mistake last week that cost me a rlly valuable clinical experience at a SUPER reputable hospital#im the only one in my class who made that mistake#the only one stupid enough#like... gosh what am i DOING here?#im literally the least qualified person to be a nurse#im cold#im standoffish#i HATE being around people#when i told my friends n family i was going to nursing school they were shocked n WHY SHOULDNT THEY HAVE BEEN?#when you think of a nurse you think a someone whos kind. whos reliable. whos hardworking... im not any a those things#n its not even me being self depracating its an honest to gosh fact#oh also my grades fuckin suck lmao#like i literally know for a fact i got lower grades than every single other nursing major last semester#plus i was never going into nursing to help ppl#i went into it so i could sleep at night knowing ive done a 'good thing'#so yeah#ive put myself on a career path im not in any way cut out for#n i cant quit cause i have literally no plan b!!!#yay#idk what i was made for but its not this
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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I had an Isaac run where it was so stressful my heartrate was at a 145bpm and it persisted for 6 hours. After that, like every day that followed, my heart would just suddenly shoot up to 120-140bpm for an hour if I so much as thought about something I've been stressing over recently. Everybody encouraging me to go to the ER. And I'm just like "Oh please I've actually always been like this, I'm fine." Had to chop down my Adderall dosage. But I swear I've felt like this since high school, but I guess the medicine enhances the feeling and that feeling was ANXIETY.
So, suffice to say, playing The Binding of Isaac™️ almost gave me a heart attack.
#and its not the adderall thats just inducing the heartrate#cause i only got prescribed adderall this year#dad got diagnosed with afib when i was still in school. he rushed himself to the hospital with mom while i was taking a test#i was like what the heck where did you guys go and mom said oh dad was having a heart attack or something and we didnt want to bother you#like WOULDNT YOU TELL YOUR CHILD OH MAYBE YOU WONT SEE YOUR FATHER AFTER WE GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT FINISH YOUR EXAM BABY#that was like 2020 and we have a couple of those oxygen readers for your fingers and it measures your heartbeat#i out one on for fun im just sitting there at the dinner table and my heartrate was at 120#like i didnt do anything we been stuck at home because pandemic and we just having a nice dinner#and my heartbeat was just thats my resting heartrate. they told me to try the blood pressure thing#average blood pressure but truly my heartbeat was just vibing at 120. mis padres were like oh no maybe you have afib too#babes youre too young to have that. and i jsut said oh is that what it means when im nauseous and have to lie down#i havent been diagnosed with anything. i suspect is tachycardia but no official thing#although i havent seen a cardiologist. what if we pay to get a screening and its nothing#i dont want to go thru all that and let it be nothing. lets wait until its a real problem#when my brother and his family visited just like what two weeks ago he was like#he was sitting on moms exercise bike and said it reads your heartrate#and it did you put your hands on the handle and it reads yer pulse#i told him like oooh let me try. hey brother my resting heartrate is 120 a lot. and hes like. what. get on this thing#and i get off the couch literally resting and lay my hands on the handles#and we see it go up. from 80 to 90 to 100 to 110 to 120 and hes a nurse and my moms a nurse and he says go upstairs and rest#dont hang out here with the kids. and im like ha i already told mom#he said sit there for ten minutes dont do anythingg and were trying again#he got mom to call our doctor and my doctor said to stop taking the adderall which is NOT IDEAL theres worse repurcussions to stop cold#so i cut mine in half. cause i had a dosage of 20mg and i almost fainted at work. we died the dosage down to 15#but after all that i cut my 15 down to 7.5 cause hey i cant stop cold but i can ween myself#brother said i shouldnt be taking adderall if im not doing anything that requires focus. but im like i need focus to live man#look at how much ive been drawing...i mean its only in like hour long intervals but its productive#so theres that. i can feel my heartrate already up but i guess its just a thing with me...anywho#doodles#the binding of isaac
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Going to keep an eye on things while on a newly prescribed medicine for my heart, but occasionally I've been feeling like crying from joy/relief. I didn't know it was possible to live with little to zero chest pain and other issues on a daily basis.
I started feeling its improvements on day 2, and then all day yesterday has been like a literal weight off my chest. Slept a bit for the night, woke up around 4am and I'm just... Breathing so comfortably. I feel relaxed. That feeling of pressure in my chest is hardly there anymore.
This cardiologist said I'd notice changes after just a day or two if it helps. And it's happening!!
Guess it's very much confirming I've had pericarditis for who-knows-how-long. Could've been overlooked since having my cardiac ablation in 2019. Been so freaking rough living with this stuff. All my symptoms were assumed to be part of my WPW Syndrome ('cause the ablation didn't get all of the accessory pathways.) This sort of inflammation can be caused by heart procedures though. -sigh- Why didn't anyone watch out for that or suspect it earlier?
I'll be having a new echo done in a month or two (forgot which appointment date it is among other tests coming up). Crossing my fingers I don't have the pericardia effusion there anymore too if the pericarditis is getting tackled by this new med! 🤞
#for some reason no one could confirm the pericarditis part with all these test and checkups I've done since-#-the WPW diagnosis and emergency procedure in my 2019 hospital stay#everyone assumed my symptoms were from WPW syndrome and that this random bit of fluid around my heart sac was just idiopathic#but this cardiologist I went to on Tuesday questioned me on a few things and got VERY suspicious about my condition#so she took a huuuuge guess of confidence in letting me try a safe dose of some med for pericarditis and other heart diseases#I let myself test that theory too... 'Cause something about my symptoms haven't felt all the fault of my WPW#it's been frustrating for so long man#if this relief and recovery keeps up I might actually get to feel safe exercising again and keeping my heart healthy without pain#I NEED to do physical activity and cardio especially with all the heart diseases that run in the family#but also I genuinely like exercise and wanna do strength training... I've felt so empty and dead inside without my fitness lifestyle I had-#-before my heart problems got so bad at the end of high school#that's how long it's been dude#that in itself is a long story uuughhh#wk speaks#feelings#personal#medicine#physical health#cardiology
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The dynamic between Horace, Alan, and Oliver actually eats me alive
#they hate each other#they love each other#they have absolutely no sense of boundaries#imagine being oliver and finding out your boss is marrying your mother#your boss who honestly is sort of the only actual father figure in your life because your parents are divorced and your dad lives in london#your boss who cries when you try to ask for a raise but is suddenly doing way too much and now you have to act like you want this#even though you don't#and his nephew who hates your guts#even though at this point you're maybe kind of friends#you don't even know#is suddenly going to be YOUR STEP BROTHER#and oh look it's the wedding day#and maybe your not happy#but you've come to terms with everything#and suddenly#YOUR MOM IS EVIL#and has been using everyone to get what she wanted#and is using you as her sole justification for everything#even though it's honestly harming you the most#and now horace doesn't have any caduceo powers left#alan is going through it because of his dad#the hospital has been attacked#MIGHTY MED IS DESTROYED#and now the only thing you even had maybe resembling a family#is ripped away from you#AUGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHH#they. make. me. violently. ill.#mighty med#oliver mm#horace diaz
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