#THIS CONTINUES TO BE BENS WORLD AND WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING IN IT

[speedyowl152]

I can't believe that Ben actually manifested some minor frustration/disagreement between Sadam. This silly lil guy is too powerful he's gonna make them fall in a well never to be found amidst his victory parade Again!

[yanderetheumbrellaacademy]

Feel Your Insides

Summary: Ben tries so hard to control himself, but it's so hard when you let him in Pairings: Yandere! Sparrow! Ben Hargreeves x Fem! Reader Tw: Light Dubious Consent, NSFW, Alcohol, Mean! Jayme, Mentioned! Tentacle stuff, Flirty Ben

He needed to get out of the house. He didn't care where he went, he just needed to get away. So, why was he standing outside of a familiar girl's apartment as she struggled with getting the door open. It all started a few weeks ago-

---

He wanted to drink, so he went to a local pub and that's when he saw her. She was sitting by herself with a few glasses on the table infront of her. Maybe it was the drinks, but Ben was thinking she was looking awful pretty with the pink, blue, and yellow lights shinning on her face.

He was about to approach her, but then he realized that he was a fairly big dude and she's a smaller girl by herself and him approaching her would be totally creepy. Though, that thought quickly disappears when the alcohol hits. He orders a Martina before heading towards you.

He puts the Martina on the table, scooting it towards you, causing you to look up at him. You were nervous, obviously. You recognized him as one of those superhero academy kids- Well, they weren't kids, but you know... Was it Umbrella Academy; No, it was Sparrow. Why would it be Umbrella. The thought made you laugh, 'Umbrella. How stupid of a name that would be for an academy.'

"Hey," He awkwardly waved and you repeated the action. He sat next to you and watched all the club goers. It was a nice silence, between you two, something Ben wasn't used too.

It was awkward on your part, but you didn't want to get up and leave, because that would be rude. You also didn't want to tell him to move, because you didn't own the couch and he could sit wherever he wanted.

"Nice weather, huh?"

You couldn't help but laugh at his attempt at small talk. He must have been just as nervous as you. You looked over at him, "Yeah. I guess if you like the pouring rain."

He awkwardly rubs his neck, "Do you like the rain?"

"Yeah. When I don't have to drive."

He scoots closer to you and you copy. He picks up the Martina, handing it to you, "Want a drink?"

"Usually, I wouldn't take drinks from random strangers, but you seem trustable." You take the drink from his hand and down it like a shot. You shake your head from the sting, before looking at him, "You're part of that Sparrow Academy, right?"

"What gave it away?"

You look him up and down. "You guys are just... Different. You know?"

He groans, slouching before rubbing his face, "Yeah... I do."

"You have the tentacles right? What's that like?"

He smiles, shaking his head, "Well-"

---

"And it's like I'm the only one taking it seriously," Ben complains as you both continue to walk. He holds the umbrella for you both, but he was losing his temper.

"Have you tried talking to them about it? I mean you guys are like family right? You should talk about how you feel." You try suggesting, tilting your head.

He looks over at you, his eyes softening. You had no idea how cute you were, did you? It was sweet to him that you thought they could just 'talk'. "Sometimes it feels like we're strangers living in the same house."

You frown, as you turn into your apartment complex. He follows close behind and you think about what you're going to say next.

"That's sad. No one should have to face the world alone."

"You're alone." It comes out and Ben's eyes widened when it left his mouth. He felt bad and assumed you'd get mad, but you just giggled.

"Actually, I moved out here for school. My parents live in my hometown, but I get your point. Two alone people finding each other; Maybe we can be alone together."

"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being alone?"

"Yeah, that's the best part. You're no longer alone."

---

Ben wanted to kill everyone in the house. Why did they always get on his nerves? He wanted to just punch a wall, repeatedly. He knew he shouldn't have, but he went to the pub- The one he met you at. There was a tiny little voice in his head, hoping he'd see you again, even if he tried to deny it. Luck must have been on his side, because you were at the same table.

"Hey."

You looked over to see the male from before. You smiled seeing his familiar face, "Hi, Ben right?"

"Yeah, Y/n?"

"Yeah," You push some hair back, watching the dancers and the parties.

Ben looked down at his beer, before looking over at you. You looked good- Like really good. Maybe it was the alcohol, but god he wanted to feel your skin under his.

"I never took you for a beer guy."

You snapped him out of his thoughts, "Huh?"

You gesture towards his Bud Light. "Beer. You look more like a Rum guy. Hell, I thought you'd drink Vodka or Whiskey before beer."

"Well, you don't seem like a party club girl."

You laugh, running a hand through your hair, "I'm not. I was actually hoping to see you again." You look over at him, blushing.

Ben kept a straight face, but inside he was freaking out. Did you want to sleep with him too? God, you had such a pretty face. He scooted closer to you and your eyes widened. You watched as he slowly leaned towards you. You could smell the alcohol on his breath and usually, that would bother you, but when his lips touched yours, you couldn't even think.

--

You could feel his hands groping and feeling your skin. His lips were on your neck, sucking and licking you. You moaned, tangling your fingers into his hair.

You wrapped your leg around his waist, giving him access to rub his crotch onto yours. You moaned loudly into his neck. You could hear his heavy groans and huffs in your ear as he continued to thrust into you.

You were thrown onto a bed and you giggled as he practically jumped on you. He kissed your skin as his fingers go to unbutton your blouse. You fiddle with his shirt as he pulls your blouse off. He gets off of you and throws his shirt across his room. He pulls down your pants, nearly creaming when seeing you in some cute, lacy, red underwear.

Where you expecting this? A guy fucking you? Maybe not him specifically, but where you hoping to get laid? You probably were. He kisses your pussy between your panties, his breath causing a shiver to run up your spine. He could feel the heat radiating off of your pussy and he had to stop himself from creaming right there.

He pulled your panties aside and lightly kissed your pussy. As he pulled his lips back, he sucked on you. His hands squished your thighs and you were sure his fingernails were going to leave marks. You groaned as he worked his tongue inside of you, feeling your gummy walls.

Your hands find their way into his hair and you pull him closer to you. You hear him groan against you, sending vibrations throughout your body. You moaned loudly, bucking your hips into him. You could feel his nose brushing your clit, creating more pleasure to consume your body. You had never wanted a man inside you more in your life.

It was strange since you hadn't known this man very long. Yet here you were, on his bed in his room in his house. Usually, these things would intimate you, but this felt natural. You liked this.

You liked the way his mouth sucked on your skin. You liked the way his fingers felt hot against your thighs. You liked the way his breath felt on your vagina. You liked the way his nose rubbed your clit.

He pulls your waist up and you instinctively wrap your legs around his waist. He was ontop of you, his biceps squeezing you tightly. You could feel his abs pressed deeply against your stomach, and his chest pressed against your breast. You could feel his hard dick pressed against your crotch as he rubbed it against you.

You moaned loudly because of the stimulation, covering his own groans. You could feel his smirk against your neck, but you were to cock drunk to say something. He shimmed off his boxers, before grabbing his cock and leading it towards your pussy.

He pushes the tip against you, before slowly pushing it inside. He was girth and thick, his veins perturbing the sides, so he knew he had to be easy with you. Your nails dug into his shoulder blades, before scratching his back. He moaned in slight pain, before bottoming out inside of you.

He pulled out, before thrusting back in causing the headboard to Thump! against the wall. Usually, he'd care about the noise and waking one of the others, but now he didn't give a shit. Infact, he hoped they all heard him fucking you, because the power boost he'd get with everyone knowing he was having sex really gets him going. Though, he didn't need to thump the bed to get some noise, because you were moaning like you were being fucked by Zeus himself.

God, Ben felt good. Your eyes were rolled back, your hair was a mess, and your lips were parted to let the moans escape. Seeing you on cloud nine nearly made him cum, so he pushed his head into your neck, as to not lose himself too soon.

---

You groaned, your eyes adjusting to the sunlight peaking through the curtains. You stretched out your arms, before feeling another body- a very strong, athletic body- underneath your hands. You looked over to see Ben and you felt your face erupt in a heavy heat. Had he always been so muscular? You quickly sat up, and your blush deepened when you realized you were naked. You lifted up the sheets and much to your surprise [Not really], he was also naked.

You quickly got up, picking up your clothes and getting dressed. You looked around the room to see you were not in YOUR room. You groaned, trying not to trip over yourself as you slowly opened the door. You looked back at him when hearing it creak to see he was still knocked out. He must have been black out drunk, he had drunken a lot last night, since he didn't move an inch.

You lightly shut the door behind you as you sighed in relief.

"So, you're Ben's loud moaner."

You blushed, before turning towards a lean girl with black hair. She didn't look all to nice, in fact she looked very annoyed. She looked you up and down before walking past you.

"Sorry," You lightly whispered as she passed you.

She just rolled her eyes and the guilt in your stomach festered and you realized you had to get out. You went down the hallway only to curse when a door opens and you quickly hide behind it. It was a girl with curly brunette hair. She must not have realized you were there, because she quickly walked past you.

You rushed down a flight of stairs, before finally seeing your exit. As you go to open the door, a man opens it. He is surprised to see you and you want to die on the spot. Before he can ask you questions, you push past him and exit the house; Hoping to never see them again.

Marcus watched as you left, rather confused. He wanted to question what the hell was going on, but then he realized that you were probably taking a 'Walk of Shame' and he was not about to humiliate you more than necessary.

---

Ben awoke with his head banging like someone was playing the drums inside his skull. He felt around his bed, disappointed when he realised it was empty. He groaned, sitting up, and rubbing his head. He pulled off the blankets and cracked his back, before getting dressed and heading downstairs.

---

Ben shook his head, shaking himself of the past. You were together again, and this time he was at your house instead of his. It felt more... personal. He felt a warm bubbling feeling knowing you trusted him enough to let him into your home, but you were also drunk. Not drunk enough where you weren't coherent, but you were a little wobbly.

"Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting company."

He didn't think it was mess. It was lived in, something he didn't know much about. It was comfy and he wanted to immerse himself into your home. Yes, that's what it was, a home.

"It's nice. I like it."

You shrug, throwing your bag, "It's not much, but it's home."

"Yeah..." He follows behind you as you lead him to your room. It felt way to personal to see this space. Your room was just like you, calm and comfy. He sat on your bed, fiddling with the blankets.

"This may be a weird question," You remove your blouse, pulling it over your head, before turning to him. He had already seen you naked, so you didn't mind to much. Besides- he's pretty easy on the eyes.

He looked at you expectedly and your face turned a nice pink. You were starting to wonder if she should even be asking this question. You looked away from him, deciding to focus on a book.

"The tentacles thing, you know, have you ever...?"

You hear him laugh and you felt embarrassed. You were starting to feel stupid, until you heard him respond.

"What? Used my tentacles during sex? No. Do you want to be the first?"

You were taken aback. When did he get so flirty? He was watching you, waiting and you didn't know what to say. You go to your dresser pulling out a shirt, disappointing Ben. He was hoping the conversation would lead to the same situation as before.

"So, no tentacle sex?"

Your face was hot, you were sure you were running a fever, as you quickly turned towards him, "What? No-" You shake your head, "No way."

Ben frowned. "No way?"

You began to stutter over your words when you realize how they sounded. "I didn't mean it- You're great- Like all aspects of you, even in bed. I just meant like that would be weird right? It'd be like fucking a squid- Wouldn't it-"

"I don't know, I've never fucked a squid." He's very matter of fact and straight to the point.

"Right. I just meant- Well, I mean, you know..." You looked around your room trying to find a way out when you saw a book peaking from under your bed. You quickly grabbed it and showed it to Ben. You sit on the bed and he scoots towards you. "I remember when I first got this comic book on you and your siblings. I didn't believe you guys were real. You remember how I told you how I moved out here for school?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, that wasn't entirely true. I mean it was, but I was hoping I'd run into you guys. You know, see you in action in real time."

"Oh, you saw me in action."

You blushed, rubbing your face, "Yeah... Yeah I did, huh? I thought you guys were so cool."

"So what you plan on sleeping with us all?" He asked, a little upset.

"No?" You said, a little confused. You didn't know where he got that idea from, but you hoped to shut it down. "I'm not really good with my words."

"Who is?" He lays on your bed, messing with his hair, "Sorry. About what I just said. I don't know why I said that."

"It's fine, Ben."

"Hey Y/n?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like you."

"I really like you, too."

[ohquail]

SBG as Voltron AU

Friends that wanted to be tagged: @blue-eyed-moon-child @niredsw @random-gamer1942

The roles

Black Lion: Tyler He's very much leadership material and with Ashlyn as Allura, it gives Tyler the perfect opportunity to be leader when she's not around yet give her the ability to run things like she does in the comic and Allura does in the show.

Blue Lion: Taylor She's thoughtful, caring, puts others first, like Lance did with everyone (LANCE STOP GETTING HURT), and Allura did at the end of the show.

Red Lion: Aiden Very loose and fast, likes to live on edge, very much a second hand man and doesn't take leadership even when he could, allowing Tyler and Ashlyn to take over. But also protective of everyone, like Keith is of Shiro and King Alfor was of Allura.

Green Lion: Logan Probably the smartest in the group when it comes to school like things. I think that he would struggle in the same way Pidge did when connecting to nature, in the "I like being inside but if I have to connect to the tree I will"

Yellow Lion: Ben Big guy, smart, compassionate, thoughtful, just like Hunk and Gyrgan.

Ashlyn is Allura Ashlyn is Allura because she fits the role of Red as much as Aiden does. So when/if Aiden gets the Keith running off to galra arc, Ashlyn gets the red lion :D

Alex is Coran

Maverick is Zarkon

Ryan is Thace

Jasmine is Haggar (without the weird, being honerva bit? like no romantic feelings please)

Charlie is Sendak (Maybe I'll draw these later)

Continue for Chapter 1: (This will be a continuing series & I will be splitting episodes into one-two chapters depending on length)

“You come up here to rock out?” Aiden asked, removing Logan’s headphones slightly. Logan jumped, whipping around to see who was behind him. “Oh, Aiden, Ben.” Logan greeted with a sigh of relief, “No, um, just looking at the stars,”

Aiden and Ben exchanged a glance. "Stars?" Aiden echoed, lifting his gaze to the empty canvas of the sky. "It's a little cloudy tonight, don't you think?"

Logan shrugged, “So?” “Where'd you get this stuff? It doesn't look like Garrison tech.” Aiden frowned, giving Logan a confused look. “I built it,” Logan sat up proudly and grinned at Aiden and Ben. “You built all of this?” Aiden asked as Ben bent down to touch one of the pieces of equipment. Logan reached over and gently smacked Ben’s hand away, “Stop it!” He turned his attention back to Aiden, “With this thing, I can scan all the way to the edge of the solar system.” “That right?” Aiden asked, a smug grin on his face, “Would you say, all the way to Kerberos?” Logan froze, slightly glaring at Aiden. “You go ballistic every time the instructors bring it up.”

Logan glared at Aiden. The blonde continued, “What's your deal?”

Ben reached towards Logan’s equipment again. “Second warning Ben!” Logan turned and scolded.

“Look, Logan, if we're going to bond as a team, we can't have any secrets.” Aiden squatted down to Logan’s eye level. Logan sighed, “Fine. The world as you know it is about to change. The Kerberos Mission wasn't lost because of some malfunction or crew mistake.” Ben reached over to touch Logan’s computer. “Stop touching my equipment!” Logan demanded.

Ben made a face of disgust before sitting back and nodding that he’d listen this time. Logan continued, “So, I've been scanning the system and picking up alien radio chatter,” “I’m sorry what?” Aiden asked, blinking in disbelief. “Aliens? Really?” Logan nodded.

“So, you're insane. Got it.” Ben’s phone spoke out for him. “I'm serious.” Logan promised, “They keep repeating one word, ‘Voltron.’ And tonight, it's going crazier than I have ever heard it.”

“What is Voltron?” Aiden asked as if Logan had all the answers.

“I have no clue,” Logan gave a helpless shrug.

Suddenly the PA activated, “Attention, students. This is not a drill. We are on lockdown! Security situation Zulu Niner.” The gentleman on the comms instructed, “Repeat: all students are to remain in barracks until further notice.” “What's going on?” Aiden asked, a frown as he looked up at the PA system. “Is that a meteor?” Logan asked, squinting through his glasses. “A very, very big meteor?” Aiden asked, in disbelief as he turned back around. Logan grabbed his binoculars from his bag and held them up to his face. “No. It's a ship,” Logan looked slightly panicked. Aiden grabbed the binoculars and pointed them at the sky. “Holy crow! I can't believe what I'm seeing! That's not one of ours.” “No. It’s one of theirs,” Logan shook his head and started packing up his stuff. “Where are you going? We’re under lock down,” Aiden furrowed his brow in confusion and upset.

“I've got to see that ship,” Logan told Aiden, grabbing his binoculars back before dipping over the short edge of the building they were on. Aiden watched for a moment as Logan hit the ground and started running towards the airship that had now crashed into the ground. “Come on Ben,” Ben grabbed Aiden’s arm before the blonde jumped off the building after Logan. “This is the worst team-building exercise ever,” He had typed into his phone. It read the message out loud before Aiden laughed and turned to jump off the building.

The sound of multiple Garrison vehicles departing to the crash site erupted from the building just before Aiden landed with a thud on softened earth, a cloud of dust billowing around him. Ben touched down more gracefully, landing on the balls of his feet. His eyes remained focused on Logan's receding form.

——— As soon as they approached the crash site, Ben and Aiden noticed that Logan had set up his computer behind a rock formation. Aiden and Ben ran over and crouched down with Logan. “What are you doing?” Aiden asked, looking over Logan’s shoulder to see the computer. “Trying to hack into their security cameras,” Logan shushed Aiden with his finger. “You can do that?” Ben’s phone spoke out for him. “Yeah,” Logan answered without anymore explanation. Aiden and Ben glanced at each other with concerned emotions etched onto their faces. “They set up a camera in there and I grabbed its feed.” Logan moved the computer for Ben and Aiden to both see.

“Look!” Aiden pointed at the screen at a teenage boy struggling against restrains. A staticky voice came through the feed, “Hey! What are you doing?” The boy asked, continuing to struggle. The head of cadet training, Iverson, motioned for two people in hazmat suits to hold the boy down. “Calm down, Tyler. We just need to keep you quarantined until we run some tests,” Tyler continued to struggle against the people in hazmat suits, “You have to listen to me! They destroy worlds!” He grunted as one of the people threw his shoulder into the table, “Aliens are coming!” “That's Tyler! The pilot of the Kerberos Mission! That guy was in our class!” Aiden looked completely shocked.

Ben watched the video feed for a moment longer, his fingers quickly tapping on the screen of his phone. “Guess he's not dead in space, after all,” the robotic voice echoed around him.

“But where's the rest of the crew?” Logan asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he scanned the screen for the other crew members.

“Do you know how long you've been gone?” Iverson asked Tyler. Tyler shot Iverson a disgusted look, “I don't know. Months? Years? Look, there's no time. Aliens are coming here for a weapon.” Tyler continued to ramble, “They're probably on their way. They'll destroy us. We have to find Voltron!” “Voltron?” Logan asked, staring at the screen in disbelief.

“Put him under,” Iverson instructed, “Until we figure out more,” Tyler freaked out, “Don't put me under! No! There's no time!” He assured them but one of the hazmat suited people stuck a needle into his arm.

The trio outside the tent watched as Tyler drifted off to sleep. “They didn't ask about the rest of the crew.” Logan frowned. “Why didn’t they ask about the rest of the crew?” “What are they doing? He's a legend. They're not even gonna listen to him?” Aiden exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“We have to get him out.” Logan decided, shutting his computer and stashing it into his backpack. Before Aiden and Logan could jump the gun and rush into the tent to save Tyler, Ben held up a hand as he tried to quickly type out his thoughts. “I hate to be the voice of reason, always, but weren't we watching on Logan’s computer because there was no way to get past the guards?” “That was before we were properly motivated,” Logan assured Ben with a pat on the shoulder before a large explosion rang out on the opposite side of the canyon.

“Is that the aliens? Are they here? They got here so quick!” Ben’s phone rang out after a moment. “No, those explosions were a distraction, for him.” Aiden pointed at a hooded figure parking a hover bike before they rushed into the tent where the Garrison was keeping Tyler.

“The Garrison's headed toward the blast, and he's sneaking in from the other side.” Aiden frowned.

“Who is that?” Ben’s phone asked before Logan and Aiden both jumped over the wall. “Only one way to find out!” Logan called up to the tall boy before the blonde and brunette started to sprint towards the tent.

Ben hesitated, glanced toward the distant explosion once more, then sprinted after them, his phone clutched tight in one hand.

Inside the tent, Tyler was still unconscious, his face pale against the cold metal table. Two people in hazmat suit were examining the unconscious boy as the hooded person walked into the tent. “These readings are off the chart,” One man said before the other noticed the hooded figure. “HEY!” The man shouted, pointing a gloved finger at the intruder.

But the hooded figure moved with a speed that didn’t seem quite possible. They knocked the two men unconscious swiftly and efficiently before rushing over to the table and yanking off their hood. “Tyler?” Taylor asked, her eyes seemingly playing a trick on her. She unbuckled her twin brother from the table before wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “Nope.” Aiden walked in with Logan right on his tail. “No, you— No, no, no. No, you don't. I'm saving Tyler,” “Who are you?” Taylor asked, before looking at Logan. “Logan?” “Hi Taylor,” Logan waved before looking around the tent. “Where’s the rest of the crew?” “No time for that! We need to get out of here before the Garrison grumps come back,” Aiden insisted.

Text from Logan’s phone rang out in the silence. “They’re on their way back. Now.” Logan pointed at the entrance where they had left Ben on look out.

Taylor glared at them, her eyes flitting between Aiden and Logan. But she could feel Tyler sagging against her, his breaths ragged. “Come on,” Taylor sighed, motioning with her free hand for Aiden to walk with her.

Logan followed after them, casting a nervous glance over his shoulder. "We're coming out," Logan sent a message to Ben, who was still outside the tent. As soon as they got outside, all 5 of them loaded onto Taylor’s hover bike, “Can we catch a ride with you? Thanks!” Aiden smiled at the hispanic girl as he climbed up on the bike after her.

“Is this thing going to be big enough for all of us?” Logan asked, as Aiden handed him Tyler. “No,” Taylor started the bike and took off as the Garrison professors and admin started to approach the tent. “Why am I holding this guy?” Logan asked, adjusting Tyler’s weight on him but careful not to let the boy fall off the bike.

“Can't this thing go any faster?” Aiden questioned, with a judgmental tone.

“We could toss out some non-essential weight,” Taylor shot back with a smirk on her face.

“Oh, right!” Aiden looked around for something to toss off the bike, “Okay, so that was an insult.” “Big guy! Lean left!” Taylor instructed to Ben. Ben leaned as instructed. His silent compliance added a much-needed stability to their chaotic escape. Tyler groaned softly in Logan's arms, stirring but not waking.

“Aw, man! Mr. Harris just wiped out Professor Montgomery! No, no. He's fine,” Logan assured the rest of the group. Taylor rolled her eyes.

“Big guy, lean right!” Taylor instructed Ben again and he did as he was told. “Guys? Is that a cliff up ahead?” Logan asked with stammer in his voice.

“Oh, no, no, no!” Aiden protested. “Yup,” Taylor smirked and pressed on the gas pedal. “No, no, no!” Logan and Aiden screamed as the bike approached the edge of the cliff.

“What are you doing? You're going to kill us all!” Logan asked, regret of this adventure seeping into his voice. “Shut up and trust me!” Taylor commanded, her grip tightening on the handlebars. As their speed increased, the ground beneath them dropped away and for a moment they were suspended in air.

————— In the morning, Taylor walked out to where Tyler had been admiring the sunset. “Hey Ty,” She greeted her brother.

"Hey Tay," Tyler responded, not taking his eyes off the horizon. He was sitting on a rock, legs folded beneath him in criss cross applesauce.

“It's good to have you back,” Taylor moved and sat down next to Tyler.

Tyler turned and looked at her with a faint smile on his face. “It's good to be back,” Taylor smiled back before laying into the questions, “So, what happened out there? Where were you?”

“I wish I could tell you, Tay. My head is still pretty scrambled from the whole experience,” Tyler shook his head softly. “I was on an alien ship, but somehow I escaped. It's all a blur. But, how did you know to come save me when I crashed?” “You should come see this,” Taylor stood up and offered Tyler her hand.

——— “What have you been working on, Taylor?” Tyler asked as Taylor yanked a cloth off the cork board on the wall. Logan, Aiden and Ben paused what they were doing and looked over at the twins.

“I can't explain it, really,” Taylor looked at the bulletin board, “After getting booted from the Garrison, I was kind of lost and found myself drawn out to this place. It's like something some energy, was telling me to search,” “Search for what?” Aiden asked. “Well, I didn't really know at the time until I stumbled across this area,” Taylor pointed at a picture that was almost out of her reach, “It's an outcropping of giant boulders with caves covered in these ancient markings. Each tells a slightly different story about a blue lion, but they all share clues leading to some event, some arrival happening last night,” She turned to Tyler, “Then, you showed up.” A thought dawned on Tyler, “I probably should thank you all for helping Tay get me out of there,” He extended his hand towards Aiden. “Aiden, right?”

Aiden nodded and took Tyler’s hand in his. After a firm handshake, Tyler moved to Logan and Ben. “The quiet guy is Ben. I’m Logan. So, did anyone else from your crew make it out?” “Uh, I’m not sure. Everything is a bit of a daze still,” Tyler frowned, “Sorry,” “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Logan assured Tyler.

Ben typed up something on his phone, “Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but back to the aliens. Where are they now? Are they coming? Are they coming for us? Where are they at this very moment?” Everyone chuckled at the automated voice messing up a few words at the general repetitiveness of the message. “I can't really put it together. I remember the word ‘Voltron.’ It's some kind of weapon they're looking for, but I don't know why,” Tyler paused, “Whatever it is, I think we need to find it before they do.” Ben quickly typed up another message, “Well, last night, I was rummaging through Logan’s stuff, and-” “Why were you going through my stuff?” Logan asked, cutting off the automated voice. Ben rolled his eyes softly before typing out a new message and letting it play. “I watched a lady bug crawl in. But, then, I started reading his diary.” “What?” Logan asked, grabbing the book Ben pulled out of his pocket away from the taller boy. Ben’s message kept playing out of the phone, “I noticed the repeating series of numbers the aliens are searching for -looks a lot like a Fraunhofer line.” “Frown who?” Taylor asked with a frown on her face.

Ben typed a reply quickly, “It's a number describing the emission spectrum of an element, only, this element doesn't exist on Earth. I thought it might be this Voltron. I think can build a machine to look for it, like a Voltron finder,” Aiden stared at his cousin in shock as the tall boy pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. Ben typed up one more message before opening the paper up. “The wavelength looks like this.” “Give me that!” Taylor demanded before holding it up to the picture she had pointed to earlier. The two pictures, the graph and photograph, matched up perfectly.

———

“Okay, I admit it. This is super freaky.” Aiden mumbled under his breath as the group traversed the desert plateaus. “I'm getting a reading.” Taylor looked at the small device that Ben had put together and given her to read. “This way,” She pulled Logan, who’s bag was filled with the rest of the equipment and attached to the device in Taylor’s hand, in the direction of the reading.

After a while of walking, they came across a cave. Adorning the walls was several carvings, no, hundreds of carvings of a female lion.

“Whoa.” The group looked around and gasped simultaneously. Tyler turned towards Taylor, “What are these?” “These are the lion carvings I was telling you about,” Taylor assured Tyler, before dragging her hand over the dust on the wall. Immediately the carving lit up bright blue and shined in Taylor’s face. Taylor jumped back into Tyler’s arms as the ground crumbled beneath the small group. Everyone screamed as the floor collapsed and shot them down a slide like earth fixture. “TAYLOR!” Aiden complained as soon they landed. “Why do you and Ben feel the need to touch everything?” Ben turned and glared at Aiden, but remained quiet as usual. “I didn’t know that touching the wall would make the floor collapse,” Taylor told Aiden, everyone turned toward a large giant Lion with a force field. “Is this it? Is this the Voltron?” Tyler asked. “It must be,” Logan took the tracker device out of Taylor’s hand. “This is what's been causing all of this crazy energy out here.” “Looks like there's a force field around it.” Aiden point out as Taylor and he started to walk up to it.

“Does anyone else get the feeling this is staring at them?” Taylor asked, moving slightly. “No,” Tyler followed his sister and the blonde up to the lion. “Hm, yeah no. It’s definitely following me,” Taylor decided. Aiden walked up and gently put his hands on the force field. “I wonder how we get through this,” Taylor smirked as a idea popped into her head, “Maybe you just have to knock,” She rapped her fingers against the cool energy field, it immediately fell away. “AH!” Taylor jumped back slightly. A vision of a large robotic man appeared in all five kids minds. “Woah,” Logan looked up at the lion.

“Uh, did everyone just see that?” Tyler asked, rubbing his head slightly. “Voltron is a robot.” Aiden muttered as if in a trance, “Voltron is a huge, huge, awesome robot.” “And this thing is only one part of it! I wonder where the rest of them are.” Taylor mused as she walked up to the lion. “This is what they're looking for,” Tyler whispered, mostly to himself. “Incredible.” The lion stood up as Taylor approached, and Ben and Logan screamed. “Come on babies! Let’s check it out!” “Hate to be a voice of reason, like ever, but Taylor stop touching things!” Aiden ran after the girl as she darted into the Lion.

Tyler motioned for Ben and Logan to follow him after the other two. Ben typed something up on his phone quickly, “Isn’t this a bad idea?” “Yeah but it’s a fun idea, live a little,” Tyler smirked before walking up into the lion as well. Ben and Logan glanced at each other once before following Tyler into the ship. As soon as they entered the lion, Aiden turned to them. “Okay, guys, I feel the need to point out, just so that we're all aware. We are in some kind of futuristic alien cat head right now.” “Yup,” Taylor smirked, moving to sit down. She put her hands on the controls.

As soon as she did, a deep purring spoke through her head. “Woah,” She turned to the rest of the group, “Did you guys just hear that?” “Hear what?” Logan asked, looking at Taylor. Taylor looked around the small cockpit, “I think it's talking to me.” She mumbled, before moving the controls around. The lion immediately took off, and the lion shot out of the cave.

Aiden, Logan and Ben grabbed each other and screamed. Tyler started at them in disbelief for a moment before turning his attention to Taylor. “Careful Tay,” He pointed out a rock formation. Taylor responded immediately, moving the controls around to avoid the obstacle. “You are the worst pilot ever!” Logan screamed as Taylor sent the Lion into a spiral.

With an eager grin, Taylor turned to the others and exclaimed, “Isn't this awesome?” Taylor asked. “Make it stop.” Logan begged, “Make it stop,” “I’m not doing anything.” Taylor promised, “It's like it's on autopilot.” The Lion steered itself towards the atmosphere, “Where are you going?” Aiden asked, stumbling as the lion rocked violently.

“I just said it's on autopilot!” Taylor insisted, “It says there's an alien ship approaching Earth. I think we're supposed to stop it.” “What did it say, exactly?” Tyler asked, leaning forward to look out the window.

“It's not like it's saying words.” Taylor felt the eyes of all 4 boys fall onto her in disgust and disbelief, “It's more like feeding ideas into my brain, kind of.”

“If this thing is the weapon they're coming for, why don't we just, I don't know, give it to them? Maybe they'll leave us alone.” Ben’s phone read out for him. Tyler turned, offended, “You don't understand,” He assured Ben, “These monsters spread like a plague throughout the galaxy, destroying everything in their path.” Ben gulped, clearly distressed but Tyler continued, “There's no bargaining with them. They won't stop until everything is dead.” “Okay, he gets it,” Aiden defending, “Don’t lay into him like that,” They all turned to see an alien ship entering the space around Earth’s atmosphere. Taylor interrupted the boys before a huge argument could erupt, “Okay, I think I know what to do.” She pushed the controls forward and the lion shot forward into the sky.

“Hey! This isn't a simulator,” Logan reminded Taylor as the Lion reached the exosphere. “That’s good. I always crashed the simulation when I was in school,” She smirked at Logan who gave her a panicked look. “That’s not calming!” Logan told Taylor as the girl moved the controls around. “Let’s try this!” She exclaimed as she pushed the controls forward. The jaw of the lion open and a beam of energy shot out towards the alien ship. The energy beam hit the side of the alien ship, causing a series of bright, violent explosions to ripple across its metallic hull. “Nice job, Tay,” “I think it's time to get these guys away from our planet.” Taylor said, piloting the lion away from Earth. They got a good distance before the alien ship started to follow them. “Oh no,” Tyler mumbled under his breath. “They're gaining on us!” Logan panicked, pushing the back of Taylor’s seat. “It's weird. They're not trying to shoot us. They're just chasing.” Taylor observed, her fingers nimbly adjusting the controls as she kept a steady eye on the pursuing ship. Aiden put his hands up to get everyone’s attention, “Okay, seriously, now we think having aliens follow us is good? I am not on board with this new direction, guys.” “Where are we?” Ben’s phone read out, the digital voice cutting through the noise in the cockpit.

“Edge of the solar system. There's Kerberos,” Logan pointed at the moon of Pluto. “That’s impossible, it took us months to get out here,” Tyler gasped in disbelief, “We got out here in five seconds.” A spherical opening, a distorted sphere with a glowing center opened up in front of the lion. It was a good distance away but the Lion seemed to be dead set on going through.

“A wormhole of sorts, where does it go?” Logan asked Taylor, who struggled and said she didn’t know.

“Tyler, you're the senior officer here. What should we do?” Taylor looked up at her brother.

Tyler looked at the other kids, “Whatever is happening, the lion knows more than we do.” Tyler looked at Aiden, who nodded, “I say we trust it, but we're a team now. We should decide together.” Taylor glanced around, all for boys nodded at her. “Alright, guess you’re all skipping class tomorrow,” She pushed the controls forward and the Lion shot into the wormhole.

———— As they exited the wormhole, an entirely new vista unfolded before their eyes. Kaleidoscopic patterns of nebulae painted the alien sky, with twinkling stars that seemed to breathe and pulse with life. “Where are we?” Ben’s phone read out again, its digital voice sounding even more surreal amidst this cosmic seascape.

“I have no clue,” Logan answered, “I don’t recognize any of these star patterns,” “Me neither,” Tyler looked out the window at the sky. “We must be a long, long way from Earth.” The lion approached a earth like planet, “The lion seems to want to go to this planet.” Taylor told the boys, “I think I think it's going home.” The lion soared into the planet’s atmosphere, plunging through plumes of vibrant, iridescent clouds. As they broke through the final layer, a sprawling cityscape came into view, nestled amidst a lush expanse of emerald-green forests and crystalline rivers.

"Doesn't look like anything from our textbooks," Aiden remarked, his eyes wide with awe.

“Um, is it just me or is anyone else having second thoughts about flying through a mysterious wormhole? Why are we listening to a robotic lion anyway?” Logan asked as the Lion approached a castle like building. “It got us away from that alien warship, didn't it?” Taylor shot back. “I don't know if you noticed, but we're in an alien warship.” Tyler pointed out, patting Taylor on the head.

“Oh, are you scared?” Taylor teased. “With you at the helm? Terrified,” Tyler poked the side of her face before turning his attention to the castle they were approaching.

The castle was enormous, a towering structure of gleaming spires and arching buttresses that seemed to shimmer with an ethereal light. As they landed, Tyler pulled everyone’s attention to him. “No one's happy to be in this situation, but we're here now. If we want to get through this, we've got to do it together.” “Yes sir,” Aiden gave a teasing salute.

“Don’t do that,” Tyler crossed his arms.

“Look at that castle though,” Taylor got out of the pilot seat and tried to book it out of the lion. Tyler grabbed her arm and stopped her, “Keep your guard up.” “Is something wrong Tyler?” Logan asked, cautiously prodding for information. Tyler turned to him, “My crew was captured by aliens once. I'm not going to let it happen again,” As soon as the kids were out of the lion and walking up to the castle, the lion moved. “No! I knew it was going to eat us! No!” Logan screeched, covering his head with his hands. The lion roared and the entrance to the castle opened. “No, it’s just opening the door for us,” Aiden pointed out, touching Logan’s shoulder. The slightly taller boy looked up and sighed in relief. Taylor ran into the castle, “Hello?” She called out into the pitch black foyer. “Taylor! Be careful!” Tyler scolded his sister as the boys walked in after her.

“I am!” Taylor promised, “Hello? Is anyone there?” “Please hold for identity scan,” A voice called out before a beam of light scanned over the five kids.

“What? Why are we here? What do you want with us?” Logan asked as the beam stopped scanning them. Lights leading down the hall flickered on, “Guess we’re going that way,” Aiden started walking down the hall. As they all walked down the hall, the lights continued to flick on, lighting and leading their way. Eventually, they were lead to a room with two cryo-pods. Ben typed up a quick message on his phone and played it out for everyone, “Where are we?” “It's some kind of control room,” Logan observed, scanning the unfamiliar technology around them with a hit of curiosity. “Are these guys dead?” Aiden asked, tapping onto one of the cryo-pods. The pod opened with a hiss of air and a red headed girl fell out, her knees buckling as she called out, “Dad!” Aiden leaped forward and caught her, “Hello there,”

“Who are you? Where am I?” The girl asked, looking up into Aiden’s eyes. Aiden smirked, “I’m Aiden, and you’re right here in my arms,”

"Quit the flirt, Aiden. We're not in a rom-com," Tyler grumbled, stepping forward and offering a hand to the girl. “Who are you people?” The girl asked, pushing Aiden to the ground as she took Tyler’s hand. Tyler helped her up. “Where is King Mike? What are you doing in my castle? “A blue lion brought us here,” Taylor butted in. “How do you have the Blue Lion? What happened to its paladin? What are you all doing here? Unless,” She paused, “How long has it been?” “We don’t know what your talking about,” Logan said as the girl pushed away from Tyler and walked over to a small panel sticking out of the floor and started typing on it. “Why don't you tell us who you are? Maybe we can help.” Tyler suggested, sticking his hands in his shorts pockets. “I am Princess Ashlyn of Planet Altea,” Ashlyn informed the earthlings, “I've got to find out where we are and how long we've been asleep.” Logan looked over her shoulder, “Okay, that's how that works. What is that language though?” A man groaned before Ashlyn could answer. He fell out of his pod before jumping up, “Enemy combatants!” “Nope! Nope!” Taylor assured him otherwise, “We’re friendly, I promise,” The man looked skeptical but stood at ease. “It can't be.” Ashlyn gasped, covering her mouth. “What is it?” The man asked, suddenly very worried for the princess. “We've been asleep for 10,000 years.” Ashlyn stared forward, “Planet Altea and all of the planets in our solar system have been destroyed. Alex, Father is gone. Our entire civilization,”

“Maverick,” Alex shook his head is disbelief. “Maverick?” Logan asked in confusion. “He was the King of the Galra. A vile creature and enemy to all free people.” Ashlyn started to sink onto the floor. “I remember now, I was his prisoner,” Tyler crossed his arms over his chest. “He's still alive? Impossible!” Alex stared at Tyler in disbelief and distrust. “I can't explain it, but it's true,” Tyler nodded, “He's searching for a super weapon called Voltron.” Ashlyn stood back up, “He's searching for it because he knows it's the only thing that can defeat him, and that's exactly why we must find it before he does,” “We?” Aiden interrupted, “Why us?

Word Count: 5,074

[the-conversation-pod]

Second Rate Second Chance: The Letdowns of Love is Better the Second Time Around and Living With Him

And we're back! We brought our good friend @twig-tea back to talk about how two Japanese BLs should have been 10s but absolutely flopped for us. This week we're talking about second chance romances, long-term pining, and their roles in queer narratives. Join us to break down what it's like to watch a show fall apart in real time.

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond with chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

00:00:00 - Welcome 00:01:15 - Intro 00:02:38 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: What Worked 00:13:31 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: What Didn’t Work 00:23:32 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: Final Thoughts and Ratings 00:26:54 - Living With Him: How it Started 00:36:33 - Living With Him: Where it Went Wrong 00:44:40 - Living With Him: Final Thoughts and Ratings 00:52:03 - Why The Queerness Matters

The Conversation Transcripts!

Thanks to the continued efforts of @ginnymoonbeam as transcriber, and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

00:00:00 - Welcome

NiNi

Welcome to The Conversation About BL, aka The Brown Liquor Podcast.

Ben

And there it is. I’m Ben.

NiNi

I’m NiNi.

Ben

And we’re you’re drunk Caribbean uncle and auntie here sitting on the porch in the rocking chairs.

NiNi

Four times a year we pop in to talk about what’s going on in the BL world.

Ben

We shoot the shit about stories and all the drama going into them. I review from a queer media lens.

NiNi

And I review from a romance and drama lens.

Ben

So if you like cracked-out takes and really intense emotional analysis…

NiNi

If you like talking about artistry, industry, and the discourse…

Ben

And if you generally just love simping…

NiNi

There is a lot of simping on this podcast…

Ben

We are the show for you!

00:01:15 - Intro

Ben 

And we're back. This week, we're gonna be unpacking two Japanese shows that really let us down this season in our Second Rate Second Chance episode. We've brought our friend twig-tea back to the podcast. 

Say hi, Twig. 

Twig 

Hi everyone. 

Ben 

We brought Twig back on because Twig and I have been watching Japanese BL and Japanese cinema for a long time. We have seen a lot of the good and bad of Japanese BL, and unfortunately both Love is Better the Second Time Around and Living with Him fall into the bad column for us. 

We both have a genuine fondness for the way that Japanese teams often execute queerness with a lot of approachable specificity that really lets both of us connect to the queer truth of these characters. 

That's personally important for me because, beyond these shows kind of fumbling the bag, they also undercut the queer narratives they're telling with some of the mistakes they've made. This is something that's becoming a burgeoning issue for me and Twig in our discussions about the state of global BL, and so we're going to also get into that towards the end. 

00:02:38 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: What Worked

NiNi 

Let's start with Love is Better the Second Time Around. Ben, what is Love is Better the Second Time Around about?

Ben 

Love is Better the Second Time Around is a second chance Japanese BL about two guys in their earlyish 30s who were very close in their teens when they were in school together, broke up, and are now running into each other again as a result of work. 

Our main character's name is Miyata Akihiro. He is an editor for some sort of business and economics magazine and he is assigned to work with this writer and professor, who happens to be his childhood boyfriend. They were supposed to be very serious, and then they had a really painful breakup at a crucial moment. Iwanaga Takashi has clearly still been in love with Miyata this whole time and is flirting relentlessly with this man. They work through some, but not all of their issues and are able to start going out together again before the show absolutely shits the bed. 

Before we get to that portion of it,Twig! Walk us through the early developments when we were initially responding positively to the show and what we were really dialed in on. 

Twig 

The first four episodes of this show were some of my favorite television this year. Which is why I’m so upset about the last two, but we'll get there.

When they meet each other as adults, the messiness of their past is established right away, and you can feel the tension between them. The grudge that Miyata holds is really fun to watch. Iwanaga is a real flirt. He leans into the sort of playboy personality that was also really fun to watch. 

It immediately felt adult. Iwanaga admitted to having casual sex with his assistant. Miyata made fun of him for it. They had a kiss in that first episode. It was so good. Miyata decided that he was an adult now, and he wasn't gonna be pushed around by his senpai from high school anymore. The assistant, Shiraishi, was a bitch. A really fun bitch to watch. [laughs]

Ben 

[laughs] He really was. He was a real bitch for like, the first four or five episodes. I loved it. 

NiNi 

I enjoyed that. 

Ben 

He was played by Takamatsu Aloha, who was in Tokyo in April Is… playing Ren there. It was really fun to see him again. 

NiNi 

He really nailed the whole bitchy, “Who is this new person? Why are they around this person that I am perceiving to be my man? I need to get rid of this person quick, fast. What is the fastest way that I can do that?” Mm, loved it. It was so, so bitchy. Perfect. 

Twig 

And it played so well to what felt like the point of the story, which was that the main characters are older now, and to have this younger person around acting younger really helped highlight the fact that these older characters are a little bit more mature and so they're making slightly more mature decisions. [laughs] I won't say very much more mature, but a little bit. He actually worked really well to help emphasize that part of the story. 

And we learned early on that Miyata was trying to get engaged; we also see him [laughs] fail at it so badly. That scene is one of my favorites, where he's opening the ring box and Fukuda-san, she won't let him propose. She keeps closing it in his face. 

Ben 

That was honestly one of the most enjoyable meta moments about BL, where the girl who doesn't deserve this sees a very bad proposal coming and physically restrains [laughs] restrains [NiNi laughs] the main character from opening the ring box so he can't propose. 

NiNi 

It was super funny. So good. She was just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 

Twig 

It was perfect. And then, of course Miyata then called Iwanaga to complain about not being allowed to propose, which was perfect and gave more opportunities for extreme flirting. 

I loved so much that these two characters started having sex again while Miyata was still mad and still unwilling to be in a relationship with Iwanaga. Miyata confirming that the sex did not mean anything. 

NiNi 

I loved that he was just like, “I wondered if you were good at this. I'm so mad at you right now.” [NiNi and Twig laugh] That was so funny!

Ben 

That was also kinda hot, let's be real. 

Twig 

Yes! Ben and I had a whole conversation about how finally a scene with tension in yukatas pays off and we see people actually have sex. 

Ben 

Let me tell you. The real sign that you've been in Japanese BL for a while is when you see two fuckin’ boys in yukata sharing a room together and you know no one's gonna fuck. 

Twig 

Right? [laugh]

Ben 

There's a fun one for the listeners. Sound off in the comments. List all of the Japanese BL that put those boys in yukata and then did not deliver. 

Twig 

But we got it in this one, finally. And we also got that iconic line, “If you love me, don't apologize.” Which is also, whoo. 

NiNi 

I did enjoy that. “Do not apologize for this because I'm ‘bout to have a good ass time.” 

Ben 

I wanna do a quick follow up on one of the comments you made about the maturity of these characters relative to Shiraishi in the story. This is a moment where Shiraishi intentionally doesn't deliver a message about an updated deadline to Iwanaga for the column he's writing for Miyata’s magazine. And it causes a real problem because now Miyata has to go rush to Iwanaga, who was away on a work trip, and get him to hurriedly write this article. It leads to an important sex scene, which is great for us and the yukata delivery that we were very happy about. But I really like that Miyata is so done with Shiraishi. When he finally confronts him about it, he's like, “I don't care if you don't like me, but you're fucking up other people’s lives when you do shit like this.” He wasn't angry at him, the just jaded disappointment cut that man to the fucking bone. He was not ready for it. 

Twig 

It both illustrated Miyata being more mature and also wasn't letting Shiraishi get to him, that you're not actually a threat, but you're now a problem, so you need to stop. It really highlighted how young and petty he was. 

Ben 

I really love the way you sum that up. “You're not a threat, you're a problem” is so succinct. And that's really what hurt him in that moment, he realized he had really fucked up. There's no winning at that point. There's only the huge loss of face on his part. 

Twig 

Exactly. 

And then we got Miyata jerking off to Iwanaga’s face in the shower. 

Ben 

It was really accessible sexuality in this show that was actually really surprising for us because we've been dealing with a lot of cutesy BL lately, it feels like, so it was really refreshing to have these guys have access to their own sexuality and be able to express that and act on it. 

Twig 

There are ways in which sex is handled in BL. Sometimes it's held back to add tension to a story, but it's often also done in a way that makes the story feel puritanical. From episode 1, we knew that they wanted to fuck. By episode 3 they were fucking. 

That just felt so refreshing. Yeah, these are grown ass adults who have had a previous relationship before. They know each other, so there's some level of familiarity there. They're attracted to each other. They want to bone down and so they do. That seems perfectly reasonable. It's actually ridiculous it doesn't happen more often. 

NiNi 

From the moment that Iwanaga sees Miyata again, it's game on. He's like, “Okay, this? This is happening. I don't care what it's going to take for this to happen, but this is absolutely happening.” 

Twig 

He bought that man cufflinks. 

NiNi 

He did what needed to be done, absolutely. He was not playing around. He decided that this is what they're doing and he made it happen. 

Ben

So I think what I really wanna highlight here about this particular show with the second chance component is we were actually super dialed in on how seriously the show was taking that part of the premise. Iwanaga comes from a very wealthy family and he was dealing with some shit and he was like, we're gonna run away. Normal, stupid kid shit. The two of them planned to meet at the train station and get out of there and go make it in Tokyo. A stupid character we'll talk about later complicates the situation by convincing Miyata that Iwanaga is just toying with him. Miyata is hurt and embarrassed by this, and does not show up to go on the train. The two of them end up separated by Iwanaga’s family circumstances, and that was their big break. 

So when they meet up again, Miyata has real beef with this man. And the show doesn't downplay the seriousness of Miyata’s hurt. That was such a real relief. If the characters have done real harm to each other, we do need to focus on the reconciliation that's critical for this relationship to work this time, and that was something that this show was handling so seriously. Even though Iwanaga wasn't actually giving Miyata all the things that we, the audience, were like, he needs to do these things if it's gonna work. His charm was enough that Miyata was wanting for them to complete the reconciliation. 

We don't get second chance like this where the breakup was actually the fault of one of the guys, even if it's complicated by familial homophobia stuff. They were serious about each other at the time, but Iwanaga was doing this playboy shit even then. And so Miyata can't feel secure with him because it's the same bullshit again. I like that their 30 year old selves were not fundamentally different from their younger selves. They were just more experienced. 

Twig

The last thing on my list of when I was still really vibing with the show is the “feelings-off,” as I like to call it. Miyata challenged Iwanaga, “You never felt as strongly about me as I felt about you” and Iwanaga said, “Try me.” And so Miyata challenges him, “Did you ever cry about me into your pillow? Did you think about me when I wasn't there? Do you jerk off to me, ‘cause I did.” He gives him four or five things to say, “Were you this embarrassing about me, because I haven't seen you be embarrassing about me.” And Iwanaga says, “Yes. I was.” And that's finally the thing that allows Miyata to give him another chance. 

00:13:31 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: What Didn’t Work

NiNi 

So we build all that up. We're having a great time. Everybody's vibing with the show. And then it all turns. 

From the time that the family started showing up, that was when the show went, to me, off the rails. I was just like, all of this is interesting, but not the same story that they were telling all the time. 

Ben 

It was confusing. We were in this really solid second chance romance arc where we were focused on the guys rebuilding their relationship with each other. And then it feels like they didn't know what to do with the guys once the “fuck you, don't touch me” barrier falls away. They immediately complicate that by trying to reintroduce Iwanaga's family trauma as this sudden barrier. 

This is the common theme with the two shows that we’re gonna talk about, introducing contrived bullshit barriers to keep the characters apart and fuck up their ability to talk to each other when the entire arc is built upon these guys improving the way they talk to each other. That's the real fundamentally unsatisfying aspect of all of this. I'm usually a defender for the way people interact in Japanese cinema. We talk about trying to bring a level of cultural competency to watching Asian media, having been raised in the west. Respect the way that these cultures handle some of their communication protocols when they're engaging with each other. We talk about respecting the way honorifics work in these languages and how that impacts the way these people talk about each other. Listening to some of the tones they use with each other, about how certain terms immediately signify things, and these things don't always translate well. You just have to be able to hear and understand these things. I don't really wanna give these two shows that we're gonna to continue talking about here a lot of credit for this. 

This show was in the middle of a really satisfying second chance romance arc of rebuilding a relationship and then completely throws that out the fuckin’ window. Iwanaga is now the male scion of a wealthy family that disowned him for being a homo, but now needs him to come back because his sister is like, “Yeah, fuck all this Japanese nonsense. I'm marrying a foreign man and we're gonna r-u-n-n-o-f-t. That's fine as an arc on its own, but I kinda wish we had like an extra episode or two for these guys to move further along their arc before we introduced that, and it was doubly frustrating because Iwanaga immediately regresses in a way that is not satisfying because he isn't our main character. If Miyata was the one who was suddenly regressing, we have been in that man's head. We were in the shower when he was beating his dick to this dude. We get it. We know what this man is going through. So if he were the one to regress, we would be down with it. We would understand the emotional complexities that he was facing. But the difficulty with Iwanaga being the one to suddenly back off in the middle of all this family nonsense is we never understood the family nonsense. So reintroducing that with this shit heel of a cousin who really wants to fuck Iwanaga was just so deeply unsatisfying, and honestly kind of offensive, because they don't even dwell on it. They're relying on the shorthand of us just going, “Well, they're gay, right? Homophobia. Whatchu gonna do?” 

NiNi 

[laughs] What I was gathering the story was leading up to the family coming in at that point in time, is that at this point in the story, maybe their romantic feelings had gotten ahead of their commitment. So they're feeling a lot of things, but they haven't talked about a lot of things. They haven't decided what they're gonna do or who they're going to be to each other. They're just sitting in the moment enjoying being together, enjoying having sex and all that kind of stuff. But they haven't really decided what they're gonna be. And then all this family shift comes in so you're just like, oh, okay, they're out over their skis. They don't know what they're doing. All this stuff is happening at exactly the wrong time because it's throwing them back into a history that they haven't really dealt with. Okay, this is good. 

But then instead of focusing on that, they focus it towards Iwanaga’s family and what actually happened back then and how it affects Iwanaga, and that doesn't really work? I don't care about that at this point in time. I want to know what's happening with Miyata and Iwanaga’s relationship. 

Twig 

I think there's room for where we could have cared about it, but we weren't given time or space. There's a story there of Iwanaga so alienated from his family that he wanted to run away with his boyfriend, and they found out about it, and he took all of the blame and didn't let anyone know who Miyata was so that he wouldn't get in trouble. And so his family disowned him. He was cut out of the family registry and cut out of his family’s life. There's a really tragic story there and we're given almost no time to sit with that or care about it. His hurt isn't given any time. 

Instead, we just find out that Iwanaga made the decision to let Miyata think he was the butt of a joke and stay heartbroken for years, decade, rather than admit that Iwanaga had family problems when they were kids. And then we see him be willing to let Miyata go again for the exact same reason as adults. And so all of the work we'd seen Miyata do to process what had happened in their relationship in the past and decide to trust Iwanaga again. Iwanaga betrayed that trust, frankly, by not allowing himself to be vulnerable with Miyata. We find out in the very last episode that Miyuata actually fell in love with Iwanaga in a vulnerable moment, he saw him crying alone on the pier, and that was where his feelings turned to love. So we know that Miyata cares about Iwanaga as a person who is not perfect, and he wants Iwanaga to be less cool. And Iwanaga has not learned the lesson. 

So, I left this series feeling like I can't trust this relationship to continue in any other way than exactly the way it's happened twice before. It's very frustrating. 

Ben 

There’s this moment in, like, episode 5 or 6 where Miyata goes and confronts Shiraishi, who decides to stop being a bitch at the final moment. Why? 

Twig 

I was disappointed. 

Ben 

He should have been a bitch the whole time. [laughs]

Twig 

I just needed to see this man be mean to Miyata one more time and they didn't give me that. 

Ben 

That's the point, because Iwanaga never has that important vulnerable moment with Miyata. The emotional reveal has to come from the not-rival, which is not satisfying.

You know what? I'm not done bitching. Let's talk about what the show thought it was doing with the cousin. I feel like the cousin is meant here to be the stand in for what trying to be queer and closeted inside of this family does to you. So we get this vile man in Sugimoto who is just so gross and playing these goofy, manipulative games trying to achieve some sort of position for himself or his branch of the family. Is what I think they thought they were doing? It did not land for me at all. 

Twig

Yeah. At some point, it seemed like we were supposed to believe that Sugimoto was secretly on Iwanaga and Miyata’s side the whole time. And he was, like, testing them and that test was supposed to be some sort of thing that they should be grateful for. I was like, no. 

Ben

I'm gonna do that the next time I get called on some bullshit. You passed the test!

[all laugh]

NiNi

I legit don't understand, like I actually don't narratively understand what happened there. Not just in terms of what they thought they were doing thematically, but narratively that whole part of the story is so confusing. 

Ben

NiNi is correct. The first four episodes we were like, “This is a banger. This is gonna be a 10. We gotta tell all the other girlies you need to watch this.” Episode 5 happens, we were like, “Whoa, what the fuck?” And then by the time episode 6 ends, we're like, “Never mind, girls. You don't need to follow us in this one.” 

Twig

Shiraishi and Sugimoto have the same role and arc in that final episode. 

Ben

Like, we already had a bitch. We didn't need another one!

Twig

Two bitches is too many bitches. [laughs]

Ben

And they didn't even team up and have, like, nasty sex or something. 

Twig

Oh my God, I could have forgiven everything if that had happened. 

NiNi

First of all, “Two bitches is too many bitches” is perfect, but the other thing is it feels like they thought they needed to have a bitch in the past and a bitch in the present. 

Twig

Do you want me to tell you my theory? 

Ben

Oh, bestie, I want to hear all of your theories. Go for it. 

NiNi

Tell us. Tell us. Spill the tea. 

Twig

So I tried really hard to find the manga for this because I needed to know what had gone wrong in the adaptation and I couldn't find it. If anyone out there has it, please send it to me. What I do know is that there are three volumes and that it's still ongoing. One of the things that Japan likes to do, usually one of its worst mistakes when they do an adaptation, is they try to squeeze together at least two volumes into what should be one volume series adaptation. And so we get one really good arc, and then an entire volume or two squeezed into the very end, feeling rushed because they are rushed. So that's my totally uneducated, but based on experience, guess about why this felt like two different shows and two different arcs. Because it probably was? 

00:23:32 - Love Is Better The Second Time Around: Final Thoughts and Ratings

Ben 

Unfortunately, that is gonna end it for this show. I really want you all, if you've taken the time to listen to us, to really understand that…end of episode 4, we were like 10s, 10s all around. This show is doing some great shit. There's some hot messes here that need to be resolved, but the way that we're being led through this with these characters, the way they're talking to each other, the way we're in it with them was so, so satisfying. Before this show shits the bed. 

I am a queer cinema critic who really loves BL and the role it fulfills in the global queer cinema landscape. My goal is to connect other queer people to meaningful stories that they can enjoy. And sometimes that means that we have to say a show really fucked up, guys. If you do watch it, please understand that we loved the show for four episodes and then it transitions in a way that is not satisfying at all. But the first four episodes were still some of the best shit we've seen in a long time. And with that in mind, let's rate this motherfucker! 

NiNi? 

NiNi 

I get to go first. Oh me, oh my. 

Ben 

We love J-BL, so you get to rate without us giving our ratings. [laugh]

NiNi 

I will give this a 6.5. Disappointing me at the end is always gonna hurt me more than something that was wobbly from the start. 

Ben 

Twig-tea? 

Twig 

I gave it a 7. After I first finished it I gave it an 8, but the longer it sat with me, the madder I got. So I’ve downgraded it. 

Ben 

It is also a 7 for me, because where this show goes wrong is very obvious. I think BL viewers would learn a lot about the genre from watching this and understanding where some of us have come from. With that in mind, I'm giving this show a 6.9 from The Conversation because the sex was good in this show. 

[NiNi and Twig laugh]

NiNi 

Producer privilege rearing its head, I see you, I see you. 

Twig 

We didn't talk about how pretty Iwanaga is. 

Ben 

You know, we have not simped over these men. Let's talk about how fuckin’ beautiful Furuya Robin and Hasegawa Makoto were. Holy shit! We have needed some older guys in J-BL—older being 30, for fucks sake. [NiNi laughs] But these guys are fucking beautiful. 

Twig 

He put on his reading glasses and I [goofy voice] swooned. 

NiNi 

Hasegawa Makoto was a delight to look at. 

Ben 

Holy shit! As we're recording this, it is Furuya Robin’s birthday. Happy birthday, sir. 

Twig 

Happy birthday! 

NiNi 

Happy birthday, indeed. Keep aging like fine wine. 

I'm so mad, though, this show was at 10 right up until, like episode 5, and then it went from a 10 to 6.5. 

Ben 

It really was. NiNi’s rating is not off. If I didn't think the show was useful to talk about for people, I would have given it probably a 6.

NiNi 

Love is Better the Second Time Around gets a 6.9 from The Conversation, recommended with severe caveats. 

00:26:54 - Living With Him: How it Started

NiNi

Let's move on to the next show that disappointed us: Living With Him. Ben, what is Living With Him about?

Ben

[deep sigh] Living With Him is about how we will never get the roommates BL that we deserve. [NiNi laughs] All of the energy that we were supposed to get out of roommates BL was lost to the Philippines during the quarantine period. We blew all of that energy on lockdown stories. Goddammit! 

Living With Him is about two college freshmen who are going to live together because they were once childhood friends, and their moms think it might be financially beneficial and emotionally beneficial for the two of them to reconnect, since they're both going away to start school away from home and they would like for them to have someone to live with that they also know. We're primarily following Natsukawa Ryota, who is so excited to be going to college. He has dyed his hair brown. He is no longer gonna be doing house chores and taking care of his little sisters. He is ready to spread his little wings and figure out who his actual personality is going to be. He is living with his childhood friend, Tanaka Kazuhito, who is obviously gay and obviously has had a huge crush on Natsukawa for a long time. Kazuhito is also dealing with some major changes in his life—he was a national competing level baseball player in high school who can no longer play baseball due to a shoulder injury. It's very clear that Kazuhito has feelings for Natsukawa, and Natsukawa picks up on this fairly quickly, particularly because all of Kazuhito's friends are being real shady about it. 

And I was really excited about what this show was going to be, because this was about two childhood friends reconciling and dealing with this major thing between them. What was really enjoyable about this show—now that we covered the premise of two childhood friends moving together, one of them has a crush, the other one picks up on it—is they talk about this crush in episode 3, and we were primed for the rest of the show to deal with this crush being in the open and reconciling what that change in your relationship is gonna look like. 

Where this show goes wrong. After episode 3, episode 4 is them being awkward around each other—a completely reasonable reaction. They come to some sort of agreement by the end of that, and decide they’re going to go on a trip together in episode 5, but they do nothing with that. Episode 6 is a useless fuckin’ flashback episode about shit we already knew to lead into the seventh episode where Kazuhito decides to preemptively reject himself for Natsukawa's benefit, who suddenly can't open his fuckin’ mouth. Into stupid forced separation nonsense for a whole fuckin’ episode and then Japanese track star run for no reason, don't link up with each other, and then pick up episode 8 not dealing with the failed Japanese track star BL run. And we end on this perfunctory note where they wanna suddenly get us back on track in the finale. 

Gone on an extensive ramble there. I apologize for you having to edit that, NiNi.

NiNi

I was just lettin’ you cook, fam.

Ben

I would like for you to unpack your experience coming behind us and catching up with our disappointment.

NiNi

As usual, when it comes to the shorter BLs, I like to binge, so I started Living With Him loving everything about it, loving the emotional core of what it is. One of the big things that really got to me is that they do, throughout the show, have flashbacks to their childhood, and there's a lot of good The Knowing content in there. I was just like, “Oh yes, this is so good. He's been feeling this way for such a long time. We're gonna delve into that. It's gonna be so good. It's gonna be so emotional.” [sigh]

And then they don't really do anything with that. For five episodes, the show had me. Kazuhito is teasing Ryota, saying-not-saying the thing. Ryota basically figures it out with the help of Kazuhito’s friends. He's now starting to think, “Okay, well, what is this?” To have a conversation about it. And then you're getting into episode 4 and episode 5, where they’re turning these things around in their heads, and then the last thing that happens in episode 5 that I really responded to, they have like a physical movement where he tells Kazuhito “You can hug me,” basically. And that moment was so heavy. It was so good. And I'm looking forward to having the outgrowth of that moment. And instead we get a fuckin’ flashback. [laughs] And then we get weird sort of casual-homophobia-not-homophobia from Kazuhito's mother.

Ben

Worse, we got compulsory heterosexuality.

NiNi

And then it's like that didn't happen in the end like, okay, that's a digression that we went on. We don't know why we did that. We're going back to the main story now. But now I've lost the emotional thread. They're doing all this stuff and it's cute or whatever, they decided they're going to be together, great, but it's not landing anymore. They've lost me. They've broken the tension. They've broken the emotional thread. I don't feel it anymore. 

Okay. So, Ben and I have both talked a lot. Twig you step in here. What are your thoughts about this? How did you feel that the show went wrong? What did you think the show did well?

Ben

Walk us through your process, Twig.

Twig

It’s so, so bad. [laughs]

Ben

Walk us through it, bestie.

Twig

All right. Okay. I was so invested in these two. We start with Natsukawa and the show sets up so well that he's excited to be on his own, and he's unsure about his childhood friend Kazuhito being there. Kazuhito is immediately weird in ways that throw Natsukawa off, and which the audience, or at least the gay audience, immediately clock as, “Oh, this man is gay and catty about it.” NiNi, you called it teasing. Oh, it’s more than that. I was having so much fun with Kazuhito and the way he was like, “Mmm. I wonder what it could be. Why would girls always be unhappy with me as their boyfriend? I wonder.” This man. [laughs]

NiNi

It was so good. He was basically like, “I am trying to tell you in every way possible that I am A) gay and B) into you, and you are just not picking this up, sir.”

Twig

And he was mean about it in a way that wasn't mean mean, but when they go on their adorable not-date, which was some of the best domesticity we've had in a while, Kazuhito says to Natsukawa, “It's all right, you wouldn't get it.” The way he was just calling him out for being obliviously heteronormative without actually calling him out, it was beautiful. And the best part about that was he was wrong. Natsukawa did figure it out, and so Kazuhito being so sure that Natsukawa was too straight to get it, actually blew up in his face in a way that I loved. 

The way that they were so honest with each other and the way that they cared about their relationship, this is one of the things that this show does really right about friends to lovers. Even though they're a little bit unsure with each other cause they haven't talked in a while, they still really care about this relationship between the two of them, and they don't wanna fuck that up. But rather than not fuck it up by holding it all in, they actually talk to each other about it ‘cause both of these men have an understanding that communication is actually important. Both of them say to each other at one point or another, “I think you've misunderstood something that I said. I'm gonna clarify that.” Or, “I said that that was a joke, but I was actually lying about that. I did mean it.” The fact that we got to a place where Kazuhito owned his feelings and said, “Listen, tell me if you're uncomfortable, but I'm happy to just keep things as they are” and Natsukawa immediately empathized with him and said, “Wow, this must have been so hard for you. Is there anything I can do to make this better for you?” That was beautiful. It was such a loving moment, even though it wasn't romantic yet? Their relationship was so good and then the show fucked it up so badly. [laughs]

The other thing I loved about this show, before I move on to why I'm so mad at it, was the way they used the friendship group to establish that Kazuhito had clearly talked about this man before, when he wasn't around, [laugh] to the point where his friends recognize who he was and how important he was to Kazuhito. So they met Natsukawa—they treated him like he was a minor celebrity. Like, “This is Natsukawa?”

NiNi

He reminded me of What Did You Eat Yesterday? When what's-her-name finally meets Kenji.

Twig 

Oh yes! Yes.

Ben

I would like for you to note that NiNi is the one who brought up What Did You Eat Yesterday? this time, not me. [Twig and Ben laugh]

NiNi

Duly noted. It's delightful. He doesn't even have to introduce himself. Yoshida is like, “Oh, you must be Natsukawa.” And he's like, “What?” and she's like, “Shhh shh shh shh shhhh. Don't worry about how I know that.”

Twig 

Kazuhito gets called away and he's like, “Come on, guys. Let's go there.” And they’re like, “No, we're good. We're gonna stay and talk to this man.” [Twig and NiNi laugh]

NiNi

The gossip is here! Why would you go where you are, this is where the good stuff is.

Twig

[sigh] And then.

00:36:33 - Living With Him: Where it Went Wrong

Ben

And then! Take us in, Twig.

Twig

Okay, so, episode 4 happened, and I did appreciate sitting with the awkwardness after the intensity of those emotional conversations and the uncertainty of what things were gonna be like now. That actually felt true. But the problem was it started to feel slow. This is where I think it started to drag. 

Episode 5 was clearly filler. We go camping. Okay, there shoulda been a kiss. I'm still mad about it. What it seemed like they were trying to do with the camping episode was establish some of Natsukawa's insecurities. He wants to seem a little more competent and cool in front of Kazuhito. That already felt a bit weird to me because in their apartment he's the one who cooks, so he already has established himself as someone who does things that Kazuhito can't. He also in the flashbacks, in the earlier episodes to their childhood, was established as the one in Kazuhito's life who didn't see him as perfect. Who liked him as he was and as not perfect. So for him to suddenly be caught up in Kazuhito as a perfect guy didn't feel true to the character we'd gotten to that point?

NiNi

I felt like this episode was really about Natsukawa trying to flirt. I feel like Natsukawa has certain confidences, but the insecurities that Natsukawa is dealing with here are about his romantic potential. It's not that he sees himself as smaller or less, but it's more like when it comes to romance and sex and all those things he doesn't feel as confident in that way.

Twig

I agree with you, which is why it was so weird that so much of the camping thing was about how Natsukawa learned all of these camping things so that he could give Kazuhito a good time and then couldn't get the lighter started and so they had to rely on these girls. It felt like they were focusing on the wrong parts of him that he didn't have confidence in.

NiNi

But if he's trying to flirt with Kazuhito in this way, then maybe it's more like, “I'm trying to flirt and I'm failing at it” kind of thing.

Ben

See and this is where things could have been really interesting. Here is the problem: Natsukawa wanting to take care of Kazuhito as his primary way to respond to their situation made total sense. The only skills he's really developed outside of studying are domestic chores. Being unable to deliver on that front when they went camping was totally reasonable and there was something potentially interesting there, but they don't really deal with that properly. There's this actually kind of satisfying moment at the end where he says plainly, “I want you to rely on me more,” that lands pretty smoothly from where we were in episode 3, where he was like, “You must have been holding this for a long time. How do I help you?” And ending on “rely on me more, dummy,” was absolutely fine. 

The big problem for me was episode 6. If the thematic point and the thrust of episode 5 is “rely on me more, dummy” the byproduct and answer to that in episode 6 should have been that man waking up and saying, “I've always relied on you.” But instead, the show backs off from them entirely by having Kazuhito break up in the next episode because they don't know what the fuck else to do. I guess. The natural response to that fucking long-ass flashback telling us that this man has always thought about this man, that he has defined a huge part of his adolescence, was for him to wake up and say it. And he doesn't. This leads to the finale episode where finally he says what he has to say and Kazuhito's like, “This is the happiest moment of my life. Let's dead fish kiss” and I'm like, absolutely not! This man has been horny for 10 years. I need to see that being released now. 

The thing about me with this is, like—Shan and I joke about this. We are real haters. But like a big part about being a hater is being a lover! You love these shows. You love what they do really well, and where they fuck up is so obvious sometimes. The obvious fuck up of this show is Ryota saying clearly “rely on me more” and then Natsukawa not talking to him for basically two episodes after that, the end of episode 5 is a very clear request from one of our romantic leads to the other that the other romantic lead does not respond to. The guy who has been in love with this man the whole fucking time receives a direct request from him. The guy who was apparently the reason why he was able to get his fucking life back together, and he does not respond to that clear stated request, and because he can't respond to that, it shuts down Natsukawa's arc for the rest of the show about who is he beyond caring for other people. It's so deeply unsatisfying.

NiNi

Twig, in terms of where it breaks down for you, is that similar to where Ben's talking about or do you have a different place where things start to break down?

Twig

Episode 6 is definitely the waste of an entire episode, just illustrating things that they'd already told us through conversation. Show, not tell, but there's no point in showing us what you already told us. That's a waste of time. Natsukawa, his arc got completely fucked up by all of the wasted space in this show. That's why it feels so confusing and unsatisfying, because the order of what he goes through internally no longer makes any sense. 

What we see him do in this show is he starts confused, uncertain about what's going on with Kazuhito. He has a realization about what's going on with Kazuhito, and they have the conversation about it. He has time to reflect on it and think about what his feelings are. He accepts his feelings. We see him realize that he likes Kazuhito, he wants to be with him. Then we see him hesitate about that, “Because I like you, it's actually really hard to tell you,” which is not how they've been communicating to date, but okay. And then he goes from that to concern about homophobia, which makes no sense to have as a thing to happen after you've already gone through acceptance and hesitation. And then it gets resolved. It was a confusing clusterfuck because it didn't make any sense, and the only reason why his arc happens that way is because they had those two filler episodes of his acceptance and hesitation in the middle that weren't in the manga. I did read it to figure out what the hell went wrong.

Ben

Twig, walk us through the experience you had reading the manga to get some clarity.

Twig

A lot of the things that I thought didn't necessarily work or I was confused by in the show, worked perfectly in the manga because of the order in which they happen and the lack of space between them. Natsukawa’s arc in the manga is, he reunites with Kazuhito, is confused by what's going on with Kazuhito, he has a realization and the conversation with Kazuhito about it. He's left to think about it. He immediately goes from that to his concerns about homophobia and then it's resolved. 

So all of the moments where he realizes he feels good with Kazuhito, he wants him in his life, he misses him when he's not there, those happen after the concern about homophobia. It made a complete difference. Things that I hated in the show worked perfectly well in the manga because they made sense in terms of an order of events and the emotional arcs that people went through. It was a really good illustration of understanding the overarching arc you're telling and not just the moments, because they kept all of the moments of the manga, they're all in the show, but by moving them around a little bit and adding so much in between them, it completely changed how they landed for the audience.

00:44:40 - Living With Him: Final Thoughts and Ratings

NiNi 

The show feels like it wanted to touch on a lot of things, but it also didn't want to touch on a lot of things, so we get some of Natsukawa’s arc regarding the way that he feels about having spent his teenage years looking after his sisters and some of the things that have come out of that. His family is a decently big part of the show. And there's some things there with his mom and how his mom may feel guilty and like she needs to make up for certain things. And then his sisters are still asking him for stuff even after he's moved out. They're still buggin’ him all the time. There's stuff in there that's swirling around, but it never really gets concretized. 

And then there's stuff around Kazuhito's mom that again, swirling around and never really gets concretized. And I just feel like the show wanted to do all of these things, but they weren't serious about any of them. And then they spend all this time in the middle, these two entire episodes, pulling in a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with any of this. 

Twig 

I wanna pick up what you said about the parents. The show spent time with both Kazuhito and Natsukawa’s moms. We Natsukawa’s mom clock immediately that there was something wrong with Natsukawa because he was making something deep fried, which is a sign that her son is going through it. And I thought that was a really beautiful way of showing that his mom understood him. And then we got the conversation with Kazuhito's mom when the comphet happens where Kazuhito's mom asks Natsukawa to let her know if Kazuhito meets anyone so that she can find out about his love life because he never tells her anything. 

And then the final episode, we get a moment with both moms where they clearly clock that something's going on with their sons and seem happy about it? And that was so unearned and made me so angry. Natsukawa’s mom at least seemed like she knew her son, but Kazuhito's mom was fully oblivious, and for her to get that moment of, “Oh good. My son is now happy with his boyfriend” to the point where—I took in these yukatas so that they can have this yukata moment—mmm, to bring that back. 

Ben 

There it is. Sorry, listeners, you won't get to count this show when you list them out. 

[all laugh]

Twig 

So they get these yukatas taken in so they can have them permanently. And nod to, “I know that you guys are gonna be a thing,” a quiet without having to say it aloud, “I'm cool with your relationship” and she makes an offhand comment that Kazuhito is so much happier now, like he was when he was younger, that indicates that she knows that Natsukawa is making a difference in Kazuhito’s life and she's happy about it. 

Where the hell was that energy when she was talking to him before, where did this come from? 

Ben 

You're right, man. After two episodes of angst in episode 6 and 7, they rushed the shit out of the resolution in episode 8. 

Twig 

This show had too little material to work with, was too cowardly to add very much at all. The little bit that they did add was not good, so maybe for the best that they [laughs] didn't try to do too much, but they wanted to keep the main beat in the same place, which meant that they shoved a bunch of filler in the middle that fucked up the entire emotional arc and then rushed the ending. They just shat the bed on it. The part that I was actually really interested in—which is, what is this relationship going to look like once it gets off the ground?—we didn't get any of that. 

Ben 

This show was good for like 30 percent of its run, tolerable for about 62 percent of its run. 

NiNi 

62 percent, that was so specific. 

Ben 

It’s what 5 divided by 8 is. [Twig laughs] It's just math.

NiNi 

Sir. Sir. Sir!

Ben 

Anyway, this is from the same team that brought us Old Fashion Cupcake, so we're trying to understand why the people who have made a five episode banger decided to take what should have been a five episode banger and make it an eight episode fart. 

Twig 

Talk that talk. 

Ben 

This show was so vacant. They clearly ran out of the great source material by the end of episode 3 and did not know what to do for the rest of the show. Spending this much time in one character having intense angst over another character not ending in a satisfying release of that tension is extremely disappointing. If Kazuhito was holding these feelings for 10 years, that perfunctory little dead fish kiss was so unsatisfying. I rebuke it. 

NiNi 

We shall not speak of it. 

Twig 

The one thing that did keep me going through that last episode were the performances specifically of Sato Ryuga and Sakai Sho. The performances in this show were good and I would like to see them in something else. 

Ben 

I would very much like them to try again. 

NiNi 

I absolutely agree, even through all the nonsense I think that the acting was solid and I would like to see these boys do something again. [sigh] I don't wanna talk about this show anymore. 

Ben

Let’s rate it!

NiNi

[laughs] Let's rate this sucker. 

Ben 

It's a 6. It's a 6. It was not exactly offensive, but this show made the egregious sin of being boring. How do you make a Japanese BL boring? That is the reign of Thailand, with its 50 to 100 fuckin’ minute episodes. 

[Twig laughs]

NiNi 

I'ma let you cook. For now. 

Twig 

The worst part about it is it's so close to being so good. You can almost fix it just by watching 1-4 and then 8. 

NiNi

No.

Ben 

No.

NiNi

No.

Ben

No.

NiNi

No.

Ben

No.

Twig

No?

Ben

[laughs] No. Absolutely not. 

Twig 

Ha! [Twig laughs]

NiNi

I would be right there with you normally, but 8 is not good. 

Ben 

I love you, Twig. [laugh] I will be back-to-back with you against anyone in this fandom. But I can't be with you on this, sis. Episode 8 fucking sucked because it doesn't complete either character’s actual character arc! Mm-mm.

NiNi 

It doesn't pick up on the stuff that was going on up to episode 5, and then it also doesn't pick up on the stuff that they were doing in 6 and 7. So it doesn't follow either of the arcs that they were going with. 

Twig 

This is my point. You have to cut out all the shit it didn't pick up on [laughs] and then it's fine. 

Ben 

[laughs] You're gonna make it the five episode BL it should have been.

Twig

That’s what I’m saying! 

NiNi 

No. I'm sorry, even if you wanted to do that, I'm sorry, those lame ass kisses at the end? Forget about it. 

Ben 

NiNi! Rating. 

NiNi 

It was a 7 until this conversation, now it's a 6. 

Ben 

Twig-tea! 

Twig 

Yeah, I'm with you all, it’s a 6. 

Ben 

It's a 6 from The Conversation. 

00:52:03 - Why The Queerness Matters

Ben 

Both of these shows got less than a 7 from The Conversation, and the conversation about them is different. Love is Better the Second Time Around was actually so fucking good for the bulk of its run and then clearly jettisoned to go be something else instead. With Living With Him, it's very clear that they didn't know what to do with the amount of runtime they had. You can see this show falling apart in real time. This show was not it and it should have been. The potential was sky high and the show really let me down. It went from being a 10 to a 6. That is a terrifying fall. I don't think I've ever had such a turn with a show in my experience in BL. 

NiNi 

So, the thing about these two shows, why we ended up placing them together, aside from the fact that they started strong and flopped. The flop happened for both of these shows in trying to go for a flashback. Trying to go to time prior to the show to tell us… what, exactly? And I think that's the thing that really I'm taking away from this. If you're gonna do a flashback in a story, the flashback has to give you something, it has to mean something, it has to illuminate something. And for both of these shows, I do not feel illuminated by the flashback. I didn't feel like the flashback gave me either new information narratively or new information thematically and emotionally. I just feel like the flashbacks were there because they wanted to flash back to a different time for whatever reason, but there's no real reason in either of these stories for the flashback to exist. 

Ben 

It's because they're making the mistake of not recognizing what western M/M romance understands, that if you're going to break the characters up in a meaningful way, do it at the 60% mark. 

Twig 

I want to pick up what NiNi said, too. The flashback has to accomplish something and we should learn something from it, but also the character should have learned something since, and it should set us up for them to move their arcs forward in a way that makes sense from what we had before the flashback. 

NiNi 

Absolutely, yes. 

Twig 

In both of these cases, the flashback did not fill in the information to allow us to follow that character arc in any way that was meaningful or satisfying. 

Ben 

I'm not always keen on flashbacks in romance. I gotta be honest. The problem with romance flashbacks a lot of the time is, unless you're contextualizing something that the audience has picked up on the whole time, you're just retconning your show. 

Twig 

Yeah, I agree. For the most part. I think sometimes shows seem like their goal is to trick the audience and that most of the time should not be your goal except in very specific genre circumstances. Most of the time, your audience should be able to at least anticipate sort of what's coming-ish and be excited about it. The how and the why is the part that's interesting, not the, “Oh, you did something that you didn't tell me you were doing for the last however many hours of my life.” It shouldn't be a surprise. 

NiNi 

For me, that's not entirely it. I have enjoyed before a midstream flashback that tells me something brand new that I have to go back to the beginning and be like, “Oh a twist!” Like, I've enjoyed a twist flashback before. It's not even a question of that. It's a question of, the flashback has to have a purpose. It has to have a reason, it has to give me something, sooomething that I did not already know. Like I said, whether that's narrative, whether that's thematic or emotional, but it has to illuminate something new for me. It has to have a reason for being there. And I just feel in both of these cases the flashback had no reason for being there. 

That said, I have enjoyed this episode. For many reasons. 

Ben 

It's because we dunked on Japan. That's it. [NiNi laughs] That's it. 

NiNi 

You can't even let me have the fun of saying it. 

Ben 

No, no, no. You don't get to have it. ‘Cause I love Japanese BL. This dunking is me trying to grab them by the shoulders, like James T Kirk grabbing people by the shoulders, and being like, “What are you doing? I need you to get it together. [laughs] 

NiNi 

I am enjoying this episode because sometimes I do feel sort of alone in my little “Eh, I'm not entirely feeling it” bubble on some of these Japanese shows, so it's nice to have company for a change, is what I was saying. I was not trying to shade you. 

Ben 

Here's the thing, let's unpack this. Japanese BL works for me the most often because their romance stories often track for something very specifically queer about them. All the Japanese BL that I constantly bring up on this show has romantic angst that also taps into my very specific concern as a queer critic. And that's particularly why I get frustrated when these shows fuck it up. 

As Twig pointed out, Living With Him introduces a compulsory heterosexuality moment after the character has made the big emotional turn and recognized that he does want to remain close to his friend after he learns an important queer detail about him. That is a huge queer fuck up! The big fuck up with Love is Better the Second Time Around is, these guys went through the task of getting back together and trying to be open with each other and being vulnerable and kind of embarrassing with each other. When the homophobia rears its head again and is gonna separate them, the show does not reward us or the characters for the growth that they've been trying to achieve by letting them have that moment together to become a battle couple. 

That's the real problem with it, ‘cause, like, in a normal fucking heterosexual romance, who gives a shit if the straights are gonna stay together? The whole world is going to help them stay together if they want to, or let them divorce if they don't. We're the only ones who're going to give a shit about each other when the boots come marching again. And so when I'm watching BL, I'm watching from the queer part, and when these shows fuck up on the queer part is when I turn against them so aggressively. That's why you’ve seen Japan not even catch strays this time. I'm sniping at them for these shows because this is not correct. [NiNi laughs]

This is the true fuck up. This is the crux of my disappointment here. They fucked up on the queer front, not on the romance part. I can take it or leave it on the romance part. Writing romance is not as easy as people think it is. People fuck that shit up all the time. But if you can do something that feels queer in a way that feels truly correct to me, I'll be very forgiving about some romance missteps. But both of these shows fucked up on the queer part of their romance arcs and I do not forgive that. 

Twig 

After they were doing so well, that's the part that hurts. They started getting the queer part so right and then got it so wrong. 

Ben 

I truly get you, why you don't always vibe with these shows, NiNi, because they're not always satisfying in that way as romance stories. I totally get you on that. But what always works for me in the shows that I want to advocate for when we get together is that these shows have a real kernel of queer truth that is worth connecting to and worth advocating for for people who want to engage with queer stories. It's why you and I were able to bond so strongly over I Told Sunset About You, I Promised You the Moon, and Bad Buddy. Those shows are satisfying romantically and also as queer cinema. The shows that we both love the most on here are very good at both of those things. But the queer part of their storytelling is non-negotiable for me in a genre about boys kissing each other. 

NiNi 

I hear you. I'm with you. This episode is gonna air right at the end of June. I think this is a great way— 

Ben 

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

NiNi

—for us to—

Ben

Oh yeah.

NiNi

—end Pride month. 

Ben 

Happy pride, bitches!

[Ben and NiNi laugh] 

NiNi 

Because it is important to remember that among everything else, amongst all the love and romance in this genre, that this genre is a queer genre and the queerness matters. 

Ben 

Any final thoughts you'd like to share with the audience, Twig-tea? 

Twig 

I don't have anything to add. That was right. Correct! That's what I have to say to that. 

NiNi 

That is going to wrap us up on Second Rate Second Chance! Twig, thank you so much for being with us. 

Twig 

Thank you for having me. 

NiNi 

We will see you guys next time. Until then, we out. Say bye to the people, Twig. 

Twig 

Dispatch! 

Ben 

Dispatch! 

NiNi 

[laughs] Say bye to the people, Ben. 

Ben 

Peace. 

[humaudrey]

Descendants Scene Rewrite: Mal (& Uma) vs Audrey (& Melody)

"Hey, you two must be the daughters of Maleficent and Ursula, aren't you?"

Melody finally managed to take her attention off of the sea witch pirate captain she just moments ago learned was Uma, and her handsome lackeys, and turned toward Audrey. Everyone had, actually, just as Audrey intended. Despite the enthusiastic and friendly sounding tone, anyone who knew Audrey, knew this was anything but.

The interference of Mal and Uma's playfully snarky conversation with Ben caused him to step back. Audrey relinked her arm with Ben's while Melody slowly approached the couple.

"Yeah, you know what, I think I speak for Melody and Arietta when I say we totally don't blame you guys for your mothers trying to kill our parents and stuff," Audrey said, attempting to sound casual with a chuckle. Melody was agape, much like most of her peers.

"Audrey–" Melody warned.

Audrey continued anyway. "Oh, we're not sisters. Melody and Arietta's mom is Queen Ariel of Seaside, 'The Little Mermaid'. My mother is Queen Aurora, better known as 'Sleeping–"

"Beauty!" Mal absorbed Audrey's pep, as Audrey's smile slowly dropped. "Yeah, I've heard the name. And you know, I totally, do not, blame you for your grandparents inviting everyone in the whole world, but my mother, to their stupid christening."

Uma took a few steps forward, matching the forced smile Audrey had worn earlier and faced Melody. "Nor do I blame you for your grandfather, who wrongfully banished my mother from that pathetic, underwater sandcastle of a kingdom."

The diss hurt, but what really pissed Melody off were the snickers from Harry and Gil. Whatever smiles the two princesses tried to force on her their faces, they never developed.

Melody bit her tongue, and forced a chuckle. "Water under the bridge?" Melody asked Audrey.

"Totes!" Audrey replied, her fake smile returning.

"Definitely!" Mal reciprocated.

Audrey and Mal shared a rather insincere laugh simultaneously, before they both simultaneously trailed off with a sigh. Uma's smirk only grew bigger as Melody's lips stretched in a thin line.

"Well, while we're apologizing," Gil began, stepping forward to the rest of the group. "I guess I'm sorry for my dad trying to kill your dad even though your dad kidnapped your mom and took her hostage and held her against her wi–"

"No need," Ben said. "None of you have anything to be sorry for. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me. You're not your parents, and you shouldn't have to answer for the crimes they committed."

The seven villain kids all shared looks between one another. Uma snorted, and opened her mouth as if she were about to say something. Instead, she kept to herself and crossed her arms.

Ben paced back and forth, intentionally looking each of the new transfer students in the eyes. "You all deserve a chance to live here in Auradon. I wish things were different on the Isle for you, but I'll do everything in my power to ensure that everyone lives the lives they deserve. And today, I'll start by welcoming you to Auradon Prep."

A genuine smile had returned to Melody upon listening to her best friend. She nodded at Uma, who she caught staring at her rather quizzically.

"And on that beautiful note, I'll steal control of the tour and show you guys around!" Zephyr chimed in. "Right this way, please!"

Ben, Audrey, Melody, Zephyr, and Seth gestured toward the front of the school, allowing the seven villain kids to take the lead.

Mal and Uma decided to compete in a speed walking contest for a battle of dominance. Jay and Harry had rolled their eyes at the sight, then entered a staring contest of their own. Carlos caused Jay to lose as he passed both of them and dragged Jay along by his shirt collar. Evie and Gil, meanwhile, were once again distracted by their surroundings until Harry turned around and pushed Gil forward as Gil waved hello at everyone.

Evie curtsied as an apology, before strutting off and holding the rear and the group of five followed behind her.

Seth specifically broke out in a jog to catch up to Evie as everyone gathered around the copper statue of King Adam.

"So, we're good, right?" Seth asked.

Evie giggled, and rolled her eyes playfully as she went to stand beside Mal. Was that a yes?

[spurgie-cousin]

here's a ✨quick recap of the Jessa and Ben interview from the "Now That We're a Family" podcast✨for @undercoverduggarblog and anyone else who's curious if they spilled any tea.

I will say the couple who was interviewing them seemed to be the exact same flavor of fundamentalist as the Seewalds, so it was mostly the same cheesy fundie platitudes you hear in any "interview" the Duggars or similar fundies do. so this might be kind of short but there were a few interesting parts I'll highlight:

Jessa and Ben said that they were really focused on teaching catechism memorization to their kids, which I guess isn't super shocking information, I've just never heard anyone besides Catholics talk about catechisms lol. The Catholic Catechism for those who don't know is a separate thing from the Bible which kind of summarizes the principles of the religion, kind of like a cliff notes situation for all of Catholic theology. Other denominations usually focus more on individual stories from the Bible to summarize the principles of their faith, but according to Ben there is a Baptist Catechism too and the Seewald kids will be memorizing it. -

Ben says he was working for Jim Bob at the time he and Jessa got married doing lawn care, remodeling, and construction, idk if I knew that previously. He said he started tutoring Jessa's siblings after that, and now he's been a pastor for 4 years after doing an internship at his previous church. -

Jessa says some of the first conversations she had with Ben pre-relationship were about theology, and that she had been reading more about the Reformed tradition and practices at that time after talking to Ben. Ben says he got Jessa's phone number originally by asking Jim Bob if it was ok to talk to her about theology outside of church stuff. -

Both said even before marriage, they had a lot of disagreements theologically (obviously, bc Jessa was raised by Jim Bob and Michelle who basically made up their own version of Baptist). Ben says some of their biggest disagreements were on the topics of predestination (as we know, since he also got into it with JB over that), how God decides who should be saved, "The Atonement" which I assume just means Jesus dying for our sins (not sure what there is to argue about there), etc. He goes on to say he didn't see it as a deal breaker as far as courting Jessa because he was very into her, and also "a lot of Christians disagree on these topics", but he did want to try to eventually "figure it out". -

They say that they put the theological discussions on pause after Ben proposed. Jessa laughingly says "don't worry, we picked back up (after we were married)" and I guess for me personally I just don't understand how you can talk about these things SO much and never resolve them. Like how are you talking about predestination for MONTHS? and if you guys disagree about a subject to the point that your conversations end in anger and crying (i'll get to that soon) I don't understand not just agreeing to disagree. Honestly to me, it really sounds like Ben had a campaign from the beginning to change Jessa's mind about these things, which is good in some ways I guess bc he's slightly more progressive than she was raised, but still. It definitely feels like that was always the goal, to get Jessa to believe what Ben does, and I mean what other choice does she have in this world they live in but to give in? -

Ben says the theological differences really started bothering him after marriage (shocker). So they continued their arguments, Ben showed Jessa endless books and shit "proving" his points, and Jessa says she started to get pretty heated about their disagreements (at one point she says Ben was like "maybe we should just pray about this" to which she answered "you pray!!"). They both say they were never at the point of yelling, but Jessa would sometimes start crying out of frustration, as would Ben after seeing her cry, and they'd just end in the same place they started. Ben says he thought that if he just "presented a good argument" it would change Jessa's mind about these things they disagreed on and that he hadn't anticipated that they would struggle over this so much (have you met any Duggars, Ben??). -

Ben says that he realized these conversations weren't productive and that he wasn't "leading" Jessa well (🙄) so he started trying to diffuse hard conversations by being like "hey, let's drop this and go on a date", or doing something that would distract both of them before things got heated. -

Jessa says nowadays she agrees with Ben on more things and considers herself a four-point Calvinist. She says Ben used to have "hyper-Calvinist" tendencies and that he's chilled out a bit in that area (I don't know what she means by this lol). -

The couple who are interviewing them are also from big Christian families, and they ask Ben and Jessa if they ever get exhausted from trying to maintain so many relationships with both of their large groups of siblings, in addition to Ben's church members. Ben says yes, and that with Jessa's siblings (he specifically mentions hers and not his lol) there are just some that they see and have over a lot, and some they just "don't connect with as much" and don't see often. Jessa cuts him off here and says that her family does have weekly/monthly things they do where they see everyone. She also says there are certain family units that she and Ben try to connect with more than just at the big family gatherings (1. why'd she say it like that and 2. i wonder who 👀). Overall, Jessa says she always feels like she's not doing enough to maintain her relationships with all of her siblings and that it's a struggle. -

Ben and Jessa get asked about the time they take for just the two of them. Ben says they used to do a date night at least once a week, but that since having more kids there have been "seasons" where that hasn't happened (I'm so tired of hearing that word at this point in the interview). Nowadays they both say that they do maybe one or two date nights a month where they go out, and also a lot of at-home dates where they watch a movie or read together. The reading together sounds sweet don't get me wrong, but for me personally, I feel like I would be driven to insanity by taking turns reading aloud and not just getting to go at my own pace (I've got attention problems tho). -

The types of books they read together are also usually about theology (they just can't get enough). They say right now they're reading a book on prayer, and in the past they've read about things like Baptist Covenant Theology, which Jessa says "went over her head". The way Ben talks about it, I feel like the reading together thing is another attempt to sell Jessa on his beliefs (Ben seems super geeked about Calvinism). The interviewer husband says their reading together is good because it prevents them from developing separate world views from each other without the other one knowing (sounds threatening?). -

As far as the movies they watch for date night, Ben says "westerns, sci fi, something black and white". They say as far as morality and movies go, they're pretty similar on the things they "don't want to see" and they use those rating websites for parents to decide if a movie is "clean" enough for them to watch. Ben says he really loves fantasy, sci fi, and imaginative stuff whereas Jessa says jokingly that she prefers movies "with humans" or things like Dick van Dyke. Ben says he got Jessa to watch Star Wars once, which she describes as "everything I don't love", but she got into it a little bit by the end. They both like movies like Pride and Prejudice. -

The wife interviewer tells a weird story about how she and her sister got mad at their husbands for showing them Lord of the Rings because it's "creepy and weird"?? which I just included because of how egregious a statement that is lol. Ben defends Lord of the Rings and the interviewer husband says that he and Ben can appreciate fantasy bc they have the ability to think "deeper" than their wives (he's joking but it still made me mad). Jessa said she originally was worried that watching fantasy was dabbling in the occult and the other wife agrees. which isn't surprising but makes me sad.

[flutishly]

Before I begin: How had I forgotten the line "Relationships? FUCKING TERRIBLE"? As it was rolling, I suddenly realized that line was coming and managed to quote along, but ten minutes ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you that's a line in NMTD. Go figure!

(I also didn't remember the sloth part being quite so long.)

The past two weeks of videos have been about expanding NMTD's world. Yes, all of the pieces were already set in play, but now they start to move in a coordinated, plot-like manner. First we get closer introductions to characters like Claudio ("CLAUDIO"), Pedro ("A Special Announcement"), and Leo ("Introducing Leo"). Then we get a better sense of how this friend group extends, seeing Ben with Claudio and then with both Claudio and Pedro (and I do still love the casual dynamic of that group), as well as Beatrice with Pedro. The story widens further as we get the first hints of the romance ahead - Claudio's mystery crush follows Beatrice's teasing of Hero, but of course we know what's coming up, despite Ben actually not revealing anything on camera. We see Claudio as a bit abashed, uncertain, and heavily influenced by his friends. I'd forgotten how early it shows up.

On Beatrice's end, we still have slightly more structured videos. "Single Pringle" is one of those episodes that's lived in my brain for the past decade, where I can genuinely feel how she's shaped my life and voice. I can still remember almost every beat of the episode, even if I didn't remember the exact quotes. But I had the rhythm down. And it's this that continues to be NMTD's strongest side. "Single Pringle" maps (like the episodes before it) pretty neatly to Much Ado About Nothing, taking scenes from the play and reworking them to a modern context rather brilliantly. But at the same time, they feel real. Bea feels like a teenage girl complaining about something that's come up between her and her cousin. Nothing feels scripted or acted. The rant is performed, sure, but just like any vlog might be. Just like the boys fighting on camera in Ben's episodes feel like teenage boys scuffling, not like something overly scripted. (Huge credit goes to how these episodes are edited, seriously.) Do all of the translations from the play feel as seamless? No. But they integrate shockingly well, as I remembered.

The plot is ticking forward, but it still clearly feels like the beginning. But... we're starting to reach the point of no return with the plot. Hey, didn't someone mention a party...?

(Trivia note: I started watching NMTD full-time with the release of "Introducing Leo"! Nice to see just how much is still ahead.)

[scarisd3ad]

To the end and back | Daryl Dixon x f!reader

Chapter 12 - born to die

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Summary - after the world ended you were sure you’d never find love again but a certain archer catches your eyes and changes the entire trajectory of your life.

Warnings - death of a child, regular twd warnings

'Pretty much dead already'

S2 ep6

its early morning, and carol has cooked eggs for our group. we're all sitting around eating, mostly silently. Shane was fine unfortunately. after what happened last night, he was only left with a minor limp, a bruised-up face, a broken nose and the closest thing to a restraining order I can get these days. I'm sat in a fold out lawn chair next to Daryl with a plate of eggs in my lap. I didn't sleep much last night; I might have gotten an hour at most. I keep staring off into the distance, not at anything particularly just kind of zoning in and out, but I get woken out of it each time by Daryl who pats my knee and whispers "eat yer food." 

I stare down at my plate slowly spooning tiny amounts of eggs into my mouth. I look up to see Shane who is at glaring at me. his whole face is swollen, it almost looks like his entire face is just one large bruise. I kick Daryl's foot and look up at Shane to get Daryl's attention. it's not a problem to me, Shane is just staring but having the perks of one large man who will beat up any man who even tries messing with me was amazing. Daryl glares back at Shane, almost as if it's a threat. carol walks over to Daryl and scoops a little more eggs into his plate. "thanks" he mutters with a mouthful of eggs in his mouth. I watch as Glenn gets up and walks over so he's Infront of all of us. he's got his hands stuffed into his front pockets, and he just looks on edge, or maybe just nervous? "u-uhm guys..." he stutters out as he rubs at his jaw nervously. once he's got all of our attention he says "soo.." 

he lets out a long sigh before continuing "the barns full of walkers." 

we all look up at him brows furrowed. that's why he had been on edge the previous day. that's why he had been watching the barn all day. that's why Maggie wanted me to leave so they could talk. 

-

our group all ends up at the barn with Shane looking into it through a gap in the wood. now the growls, and groans of the walkers are way more apparent. I'm surprised Glenn was the first one to realize it, not Shane or rick it was Glenn. Shane normally was really cautious about new areas, he scoped out every area before letting anyone near it, I'm surprised he hadn't caught onto the barn sooner. Shane walks back towards up "you cannot tell me you're alright with this" Shane says to rick as Shane walks past rick. "No, I'm not, but we're guests here. this isn't our land." rick replies back. "This is our lives!" shouts Shane as he throws down his hat in frustration. "Lower your voices" Glenn warns. I can hear the walkers getting closer, they can hear us. if were not careful their going to try and break down the wall. "We can't just sweep this under the rug." Andrea says. I've got my arms crossed over my chest as I look at the barn. the doors are chained shut, which looks secure but how long will that hold up. just a few to many walkers pushing up against it could break it, and it would be just our luck if we were here when that happened. "It ain't right. not remotely."

Shane is pacing "okay, we either gotta go in there, make things right or we've just gotta go. now we have been talkin' about fort benning for a long time" Shane says stopping Infront of rick. "We can't go." rick hisses. we can't go because Lori's pregnant, if we go we're risking her life by not only not having a somewhat safe place to stay, but also were just throwing away the medical care we have through Hershel. he's got all types of medicines and experience in the field; we can't just throw all that away because of walkers in a sealed-up barn. "Why rick? why?" carol quickly cuts in "because my daughters still out there." Sophia was still out there too. we can't just leave her out there. no matter how much faith the others have in her, there is still a chance she's still alive. "okay" Shane scoffs as he cups his hands around his mouth "okay I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility."

"We're not leaving Sophia behind!" I say, Daryl marches forwards "I'm close to findin' this girl I just found her damn doll two days ago!" Shane laughs sarcastically like it was funny to him that we were all so concerned about the little girl. "You found her doll, Daryl. that's what you did. you found a doll!" Daryl's brows furrow angrily it's like he's really begun to care for the others in the group unlike he used to. before he only got food for us because he got to get away from everyone, now he really cares.

"You don't know what the hell you're talkin' about!" Daryl shouts, rick holds his arm out really just to keep Daryl and Shane away from each other because Shane's 2 words away from getting his shit rocked again. "Look I'm just sayin' what needs to be said! you get a good lead, it's in the first 48 hours!" 

"Stop Shane!" rick says raising his hands trying to start the more violent confrontation we knew was going to happen. Shane doesn't listen to anybody but himself though so Shane shouts "let me tell you something else man. if she was alive out there and saw you comin' all methed out with your buck knife and geek ears around your neck, she would run in the other direction!" Daryl immediately starts walking towards Shane with is pointer finger pointing angrily obviously trying to fight. good thing rick was already in the middle of the two, rick holds Daryl back but he still try's coming at Shane. "I'll beat your ass if you come at me again!" shouts Shane. it takes a few of us holds each man back to stop the fight. I'm holding onto Daryl's arm tightly while Andrea is in front of him. it's easier to hold back Daryl than it is to hold back Shane. "Back off!"

I guess Lori had grabbed Shane or something which prompts Shane to say "keep your hands off of me" with his finger in her face. Shane starts to stomp off with Lori following shortly behind. "Let me talk to Hershel" rick says which makes Shane turn around "let me figure it out!" rick adds. my hand is still tightly wrapped around the area between Daryl's upper and lower arm. "What are you going to figure out?!" Shane shouts as he charges at rick. Lori steps in between the two placing her hand on Shane's chest. "If we're gonna stay, if we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. this is his land!" shouts rick. "Hershel sees those things in there as people- sick people. his wife, h-his stepson." dale says kind of trying to explain why Hershel keeps them. they were people but not anymore, they've been dead since they turned, we learned that the CDC. maybe if one of us explains to him that scientists had proved they were dead since they turned maybe he'd understand. "You knew?" rick asks with his brows furrowed in confusion. "Yesterday I talked to Hershel." dale explains.

"And you waited the night?" Shane asks. what if those things got out overnight, waiting over night was a bad decision on his part, on Glenns too. "I thought we could survive on more night! we did." dale says defending his decision. yeah, we did but there was still the risk of something happening especially with all the noise we had made last night. "I was waiting till this morning to say something, but Glenn wanted to be the one." dale says gesturing towards Glenn. "The man is crazy rick, if Hershel thinks those things are alive or no!" Shane gets worked up again and starts stomping his way towards rick. someone really needs to get that man some type of drug to calm his ass down. everyone freezes when the door starts the rattle, and the walkers behind it start to groan and growl louder, and angrier. Shane really needs to calm his ass down; all his screaming and whining has riled them up. 

-

I'm leaned up against a tree reading a book I've read what feels like a million times. its feels like I could read it with my eyes closed if I really wanted to. I'm reading to try and get my mind off of the barn, but it doesn't help much. I want to leave now, I used to feel like it was safe here, but now I feel like I'd be safer out on the road. I flip the page and I'm about to start reading the first sentence when I spot Daryl lugging a saddle out towards the horse stables. I groan as I drop my book beside me and push myself up off of the ground. he's really doing this shit again going out by himself with a horse, while he's barely healed enough to walk, let alone ride a horse and go out by himself. he's stressing me out. he's barely able to carry the saddle I don't know why he thinks he'll be able to go out and look for Sophia. 

I follow him into the stables and watch as he's barely able to put the saddle onto its stand. he grunts as he throws the saddle on top of the stand. he's worrying me there's no need for him to go out right now because rick is going out later. "You can't" I say, he limps his way over to some of the horse equipment and says, "I'm fine."  I roll my eyes and say, "Hershel said you need to heal." he grabs something and begins to limp his way over towards one of the horses "yeah, I don't care" of course he doesn't care but I do, and I don't want him going out by himself anymore. if the same thing happens again, I wouldn't be able to live with myself because that would mean I knew the risks and still let him go. "Well, I do. ricks going out later to follow the trail." I say trying to convince him that he doesn't need to go. "Yeah well, I ain't gonna sit around and do nothing" I don't know what to say to convince him he's done more than enough already. I just don't want him to get hurt again, I don't want him to run into the same problem again and not make it out alive this time. it was a miracle he was able to do it last time, but his luck is going to run out one day. "Daryl, you're gonna go out there and get yourself hurt even worse" I say, he ignores me. I don't know what to say to him to get him out of this mindset, I don't know what to say to myself to get myself out of the same mindset that I'm not doing enough, that no matter what I do it's not enough. I've been trying to convince myself that were going to find her so is Daryl, but I think we need to understand that that might not happen. I love Sophia to death, and I hope she's out there surviving but I need to understand that there is a chance that she might not, and that scenario is way more realistic now a days. Daryl might have been able to survive in the woods when he was Sophia's age, but Sophia has so many more obstacles in her way. 

"Daryl, we don't know if we're going to find her."  Daryl slowly turns my way with his brows furrowed "we don't" I repeat. "I don't..." I whisper he starts to approach me brows furrowed "what?" he asks. "I don't want to lose you too" a tear falls down my cheek. I've lost my family, my friends I can't lose him too. I can't let him go out there and die for a little girl who is most likely dead by now. he walks away like he's disappointed in me "Daryl I've lost my brother; I've lost everyone I can't los-" he stops in front of the saddle stand and looks back at me before picking up the saddle and chunking it with a grunt. he quickly doubles over in pain though gripping at his abdomen. I quickly rush to his side "are you alright?" I ask placing my hand on his back trying to help him, but he shoos me away "just leave me be!" he stays as he stumbles away from me "stupid bitch" he grumbles which makes me stop trying to follow him. "asshole" I mutter as I wipe the stray tear that had fallen down my cheek. I go back to my tree reading because I didn't really want him to be any madder at me than he is right now. I can't tolerate Daryl while he's being stubborn. he'll never admit I'm right no matter how right I am. 

it feels like he doesn't understand that I can't lose any more people, I can't physically take it anymore. I've lost my brother, my grandparents, and my friends I can't lose him too. if I lost him that would be the thing that would push me overboard. that would be the final thing to push me over the edge and he doesn't understand that I know that he is strong, and he could push his feeling down into his ass if he really wanted to, but I can't. if I lost him, I wouldn't be able to handle life anymore. I feel like the only other person I feel like that with I Glenn. if a lost Glenn I wouldn't be able to live anymore as well. both of them don't understand that and they just keep putting themselves in danger and it stresses me out.

I don't know how long I sit there reading but I go chapter by chapter getting more and more engrossed with the book as time goes on. I don't really even put the book down until I hear someone cough. I look up to see Daryl "hey" I mumble as I put the book down next to me. I'm not mad at him, but I'm disappointed that he doesn't care more about himself. he takes a seat on the ground next to me, gasping a little once he's sat down. "Be careful" I whisper as he picks up the book on the ground. the dust jacket had been ripped off ages ago when the book was gifted to my mother just leaving the maroon-colored hard cover. he looks at the back and then the front before he says "whatcha readin'?" I shrug as I grab the book from his hands and placing it to my right. "Hey, I'm sorry about early alrigh?" he asks I nod "it's fine" I say leaning my back against the tree. "You were mad" I add "you're allowed to be mad" I say grabbing his hand and caressing the top of it with my thumb. he's still a little tense with physical affection like holding hands, kissing, and stuff. I look up at him and smiles "I forgive you Daryl" I whisper leaning myself into him. I'm assuming he's never really experienced this type of relationship with a person before which makes him a bit awkward about it but it's alright. the awkwardness and tenseness melts off of him soon enough though. "If you really want to go out and look for her, I'll go with you. I just don't want you going out by yourself right now." I say. I turn back towards him and cup his face in my hands. his brows furrow together in confusion before I press my lips against his. my arms fall around his neck as he places one of his hands on my cheek.

we end up going back towards Hershel's house because we've both really haven't seen any of the others in our group since early this morning and didn't want to worry them. when we make it to Hershel's front porch carl is sitting on the porch with some of Hershel's family and Glenn, and Maggie are sitting on the steps. t-dog and Andrea are also walking towards the house just like Daryl and I. I don't see Lori, rick, dale, or Shane though. I just assume dale is up on his rv, but I can't really guess what the others are doing. "Do you know what's goin on?" t-dog asks as Glenn gets up from his place next to Maggie. "Where is everyone?" Andrea asks. both of their questions aren't answered by anyone. Glenn only replies with another question "you haven't seen rick?" I haven't really seen rick since this morning "he went off with Hershel. we were supposed to leave a couple hours ago" Andrea says. I wouldn't expect rick to just go off like that without telling someone. he wasn't like Shane, Shane goes and leaves as he pleased if he went out for water, he wouldn't tell anyone, if he went out for a run he'd only tell the select few he took with him. 

"yeah, you were, what the hell" Daryl says which makes t-dog and Andrea turn their heads towards us. rick had told us he was going out earlier before we all split up after the barn incident, and rick wasn't the type of person to go back on his word without talking to us as a group. "Damn it. isn't anybody taking this seriously?" Daryl says as everyone just kind of stares at us. "We got us a damn trail." Daryl says turning around and pointing angrily. now we see Shane walking up towards the house. he's got the bag of gun over his shoulder "oh here we go" Daryl says as he begins walking towards the man. there's something off about Shane though...there's always been something off about Shane ever since I met him, but it just seems like he's done something he knows we won't like, or at least something ricks wouldn't like. 

"what's all this?" Daryl asks as Shane takes a shot gun out of the bag and holding it out for Daryl. "You with me man?" Shane asks and Daryl takes the gun with a breathy "yeah." 

"Time to grow up you already got yours" Shane says to Andrea. we all know what he's talking about. clearing out the barn. I know rick isn't going to like this, Hershel isn't going to like this either. we're going to get our asses kicked out and we have a pregnant lady who needs all the medical attention we can get. if we get kicked out were going to have to do this all on our own, and that means there's a bigger chance of not only the baby dying but Lori as well. "Yeah...but where's dale?" Andrea asks a little skeptically, "he's on his way" Shane is being very vague about where dale is, and it makes me nervous. "Thought we couldn't carry." t-dog say as Shane hands him a gun. "yeah, well we can, and we have to." the people that had been sitting up in chairs on the porch have now gotten up and look a bit stressed especially Hershel's people. 

"Hey look, it's one thing sitting around here picking daisies when we thought this place was supposed to be safe. but now we know it ain't." Shane begins to walk towards Glenn "how about you, man? you gonna protect yours?" Shane asks holding out a gun. Glenn looks to Maggie and then to the gun before letting out a sigh and grabbing it. Shane is satisfied with that answer so he turns to Maggie "can you shoot?" Shane asks. Maggie's brows are furrowed together angrily as she says, "can you stop? you do this, you hand out these guns, my dad will make you leave tonight." we need this Lori needs this we can't just go around shooting up a storm because there's some walkers locked up in a barn. "What about you y/n?" he asks standing in front of me with a small handgun i shake my head he rolls his eyes before forcing it into my hand "We have to stay, Shane" carl speaks up. Lori rounds the corner "what is this" she asks confused as ever. 

"We ain't goin' anywhere, okay? now look, Hershel, he's just gotta understand." Hershel isn't going to understand this though, Hershel is an old man who thinks those things are still people because they look human. he thinks they are people because they were people, they were friends, and family, but he needs to learn they aren't. we can't risk teaching him that though maybe in 9 months when Lori has given birth but not now. "Okay? he- well, he's gonna have to" my arms are folded over my chest. I can't believe so many of our people want to risk losing the safety of Hershel's farm. I know that most of them don't know about Lori, but Glenn does, and he still willingly took the gun. I know they are scared but we had lived out in the middle of nowhere with not shelter where walkers could get to use at any time, at least there isn't many over here and the majority are in Hershel's barn locked up. I'd rather stay here than go anywhere near a big city ever again. Shane takes his small handgun and begins to walk towards carl "now we need to find Sophia. am I right?" Shane says as he kneels in front of Carl, he's using Sophia to his advantage to get what he wants from Carl. he knows Carl cares for Sophia so he's using that to get Carl on his side.

"Now I want you to take this. you take it, carl, and you keep your mother safe. you do whatever it takes." Lori begins to rush towards her son because she doesn't need her 12-year-old son to protect her. when carl doesn't take the gun Shane says "you know how. go on, take the gun and do it" Lori pushes her son away from Shane and says "rick said no guns. this is not your call. this is not your decision to make." 

"Oh shit."

we all look over to see t-dog staring at rick and Hershel leading some walkers towards the barn with the help of one of ranch hands jimmy. Shane gets up from his kneeling position on the ground and begins to run towards rick and Hershel. we all follow after because they've got two walkers that they are leading towards us. "What the hell you doin!" shouts Shane as he pushes the metal fence door open and continues running towards rick. "Shane just back off!" rick warns as he pushes the walker away from Shane. "Why do your people have guns?" Hershel asks. Shane is kind of pacing as he shouts, "are you kiddin' me!? you, see?! you see what they're holdin onto!!" Shane rounds back around towards us as Hershel shouts "I see who I'm holding onto!" which angers Shane even more. "No man, you don't!" 

rick is trying to calm Shane down but there really isn't any use because when Shane's all riled up like this there is no getting him down. "Shane, just let us do this and then we can talk" rick tries reasoning with him. "Let me do this and then we'll talk" but Shane wants to do something now and the thing he wants now is the clear the barn. "What you want to talk about, rick!?" shouts Shane. Daryl has his gun pointing right at one of the walkers, it's kind of strange seeing him with a gun and not with his crossbow. I've got the gun Shane handed to me held tightly in my left hand. I'm just as scared as everyone else but I'm just as much scared of getting kicked out of here. "These things ain't sick. they're not people! they're dead! ain't gonna feel nothing for them 'cause all they do, is they kill!" Shane shouts. Shane paces back and forth angrily "these things right here, they're the things that killed Amy! they killed Otis! they killed your brother!" Shane shouts while pointing at me when he mentions my brother. I shouldn't have told him about that. it embarrasses me a bit because it feels like he's calling me out. "they're gonna kill all of us!" I look back to see Lori and carl walking up towards us. she has Carl's hand in hers and both their brows are furrowed up in confusion and concern.

 "Shane, shut up!' rick shouts which isn't really effective because Shane continues to talk. I look back at Lori pleading for her to save me, or at least save herself and her son before something bad happens. "Hey Hershel man, let me ask you something." Shane stops and pulls his gun out "could a living breathing person, could they walk away from this?" he loads the gun before pointing it at the walker.

POW POW POW.

"NOO!" 

he shoots the walker three times in the chest, and it basically just walks it. it has no reaction but the little jolts from its body when the bullet first hit the walker. "STOP IT!" shouts rick, again Shane doesn't listen and just continues shouting "that's three rounds in the chest! could someone who's alive, could they just take that?" he sounds crazy screaming and shouting. "Why is it still coming?!" shouts Shane before raising his gun again.

POW POW POW.

"that's its heart, its lungs! why is it still coming?!"

POW POW POW.

the walker groans as it gets pushed back a bit by the bullets. "Shane! enough!" rick defending Hershel pisses Shane off even more. "Yeah, you're right, man. that is enough" he says walking past them, and shooting the walker in the head right as he passes by. the walkers head jerks back before falling to the ground. were all dead silent, were still a little shocked by the confrontation that just took place before our eyes. Shane's not done yet though, so he turns back around "enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone!" Shane shouts as he stomps towards the barn. we all know what he's going to do, it's been his plan since he found out about the barn this morning. "Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! enough! rick it ain't like it was before!" he marches a bit forward before continuing shouting "now if yall want to live, if you want to survive you got to fight for it! I'm talking about fighting right here, right now!" Shane begins to run back towards the barn.

 rick holds out the snare pole in his hands "take the snare pole! Hershel! Hershel take the snare pole!"  Hershel is on his knees, he seems like he doesn't really know what's going on "Hershel, listen to me, man, please!" rick pleads "take it now. Hershel!" ricks desperately crying out for Hershel to just take it. Hershel is still in this dazed like state though. "Hershel! take it!" Shane takes a pickaxe to the lock on the barn doors. "No Shane! do not do this, brother! wait!" Shane keeps going at the lock, hitting it over and over again despite our desperate pleas for him to stop. after several failed attempts to break the lock, he just takes the tip of the pickaxes and breaks the lock off. once the lock is off, he grabs the wooden slab and throws it to the side. we're still screaming for him to stop, but he doesn't. Shane bangs on the door and shouts "come on. come on we're out here!" Shane backs up and pulls his gun out. the door creaks open and out comes the walkers. I've got the gun gripped tightly in my hands ready to shoot but only if I need to. 

there's so many in there I actually can't believe it. they just keep coming out and when I think there's no more out comes a few more. the people closer to the walkers are shooting at them. all I can hear is the sounds of gunshots. I don't know what to do, should I go up and help or just stay here. it looks like Shane, Andrea, t-dog, Glenn, and Daryl's got it covered. I'll only shoot if I really need to. there's so many I'm not sure I've ever seen so many walkers in one place, well other than in the city. Shane turns back towards rick before shooting the walker rick had. Lori has carl on the ground covering his ears. I'm frozen, I can't move and I'm terrified, I can't breathe it feels like I'm holding my breath but I'm not. there's a pile of corpses in front of the barn and I don't think I've smelt something this bad. once we think there's no more, and everyone lowers their guns the door creaks open, and a smaller very recognizable walker stumbles out. everything from the shoes to the hair cut is recognizable. the blue shirt with a rainbow she wore that day is all tattered and dirty now. 

she's recognizable but unrecognizable at the same time it's her we know it, but we never expected to see her like that. She's dead. even though I had said earlier that she could be dead I didn't want that to be the case. I wanted her to beat all the odds, I wanted to find her in some random home alive, I wanted to take her back to carol and witness the long-awaited reunion of the mother and daughter. carol runs up sobbing "Sophia! Sophia!" and Daryl has to hold her back. I actually can't breathe now. all the air is caught in my throat and tears are building up in my eyes. how long had she been in there? had she gotten bitten the same day she went missing? she died alone. all I can think about is that little girl died alone without her mom to help her. Sophia stumbles through the piles of corpses towards us. rick takes one for the team and begins to walk towards Sophia. he pulls out his guns pointing it at her before shooting her right in the head. carols sobbing as Daryl has his arms wrapped around her torso holding her down.

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[runningfrom2am]

achilles heel - III: getting a head start

summary:

Grace is the very opposite of her brother in every way. when she finally moves onto campus at UNC Chapel Hill, she feels like she gets to be her own person, make her own friends, and hopefully start a promising career in the museum industry, and maybe, one day, get married to her high school sweetheart and live the American dream for herself. Rafe Cameron however, upon their very first meeting, throws a wrench in her very perfect plan.

tags/warnings:

rafe cameron x fem!oc, rafe is giving very much homewrecker, fanon!rafe (kinda), college!au, friends to lovers, slow-burn (maybe?), minimal oc description, drug and alcohol use, mostly unedited, (these tags are not exhaustive, lmk if i should add anything!)

wc: 1.9k

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January 6th, 2019

Grace pulled herself out of bed three hours before her eight am class the next morning, giving herself ample time to have a shower and get ready to go eat breakfast with her brother before class. Today was a bit of a treat, because Nate had an eight-thirty class in the building next to hers, and had the chance to eat with her and walk her to class.

She knocked on his dorm door when she was all ready, holding onto her coffee mug and stepping back a little bit in anticipation of the door opening. It's only a few moments before it does, her boyfriend smiling down at her. "Good morning, my love." Nate smiles, leaning down to kiss her forehead as he closes the door behind him.

"Morning!" Grace smiles, admiring how his dark eyes compliment his messy brown hair.

"What's on the menu today?" Nate asks as they make their way to the elevator, hand placed low on her back.

"The usual." Grace shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee while they wait for the elevator.

They make their way down to the caf, hand in hand most of the time as Nate goes on and on about his classes, hardly letting Grace get a word in until Ben joins them at their table, internally cursing to himself over having to sit across from this guy that he's never liked.

"Hey, Ben, how are you, buddy?" Nate asks as her brother sits down.

"Fine," Ben replies, clearly already bored as he takes a bite of his cereal.

"What class do you have this morning? You never get up this early." Nate jokes.

"Uh, history 120? I'm in Grace's class. Figured you'd know that." Ben grumbles, looking down at his phone.

"Oh! Right. Yes." Nate nods, looking over at his girlfriend. "How's that one going?"

"It's good! We're talking about some really interesting stuff already, we've got this one book to read and I'm already on-" Grace starts explaining excitedly, reaching into her bag under the table to grab it out to show him.

"Oh, Ben, I heard engineering got invited to your frat's opener this weekend. I think it'll be fun." Nate interrupts her, and Ben freezes as he looks between the two of them. Grace looks disappointed, but like she wasn't going to finish anyways. She's used to this, her boyfriend just gets distracted so easily. Most times she finds it cute, but not so much as of late. She always just figured it was a symptom of his high IQ, which he does love to talk about as well. It drives Ben up the wall, and it always has.

"Dude- she was talking to you." Ben says, pointing his spoon at his sister. "But yeah, fuck it. I guess it'll be fun." He shakes his head as he speaks, hunched over with his elbows on the table as he continues to eat.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, Love. Continue." Nate smiles at her and watches her eyes light up again, holding the book out to him and he takes it, quickly skimming through it.

"So, yeah I'm already about halfway through it. It's incredibly fascinating, being able to look into one person's life on such a deep and analytical level when their world was so far removed from how we live today." Grace grins, and Ben rolls his eyes. Not because he's upset with her, but because he's frustrated that she doesn't see that this guy is a dick to her.

"Oh, yeah. I read this in high school. It's quite interesting." Nate agrees, handing the book back to her. "They're teaching this in university? Seems a little juvenile."

"Well, it is a first-year course." Grace shrugs, putting the book back in her bag. Ben is practically seething at this point. His sister is so smart- it frustrates him to no end that she doesn't, at least noticeably, understand that her boyfriend is talking down to her.

"Let's go, we're gonna be late," Ben grumbles, chugging the rest of his milk out of the bowl and standing up.

Nate looks at his watch, furrowing his brow. "Ben, we have like half an hour before your class starts and it's only a twelve-minute walk away." He says but Ben is already walking off to put his dirty bowl away.

"I'll just grab a refill on my coffee and we'll go." Grace smiles at him, standing up and kissing the side of his head. "I'll be right back."

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

They make their way to class, with Grace struggling to keep up with the two taller boys who just tend to walk a lot faster. She does notice, though, that Ben is moving quicker than normal.

"This is us," Grace says, stopping in front of the door while Ben just walks straight in, sitting in the back row that is almost empty since they still have fifteen minutes before class starts. He blocks off the two seats next to him with his bag and his coat, waiting for you to come in and for Rafe to show up.

It's a few minutes of Grace and Nate chatting in the hallway before Rafe shows up, brushing past them and saying a quick 'hi' to Grace before joining her brother in the back row.

"Morning." Rafe yawns, handing Ben his coat and sitting in the now empty seat.

"Morning," Ben mumbles back. "How'd you sleep? You sound tired."

"Alright." Rafe shrugs in response. "I was up late doing the readings." He explains, making his friend raise an eyebrow at him.

"You did those?"

"Well, yeah. I figured I'd at least try to keep up with the workload this semester." Rafe replies, digging his laptop and books out of his bag.

"Did you hear we invited the engineering guys to our party?" Ben asks, pushing his tongue against the inside of his cheek.

Rafe adjusts in his seat and shakes his head. "No, uh, I didn't know that." He clears his throat, grabs his water bottle, and quickly takes a sip.

"Yeah. Nate said he's coming. Which fucking sucks." Ben whispers, leaning closer so Grace or her boyfriend can't hear from the hall.

"Why?" Rafe asks. "I mean, I know you don't love that guy but I don't know shit about him so fill me in."

"He's fine." Ben sighs, shaking his head and glancing back towards the hallway. "He's just such a dick. I don't even think Grace can see it because he's like, brainwashed her into thinking he's a gift from God or some shit. It's annoying. He is like, only physically capable of talking and thinking about himself. It's actually impressive."

"Sounds like an asshole." Rafe looks back at the door as well, seeing Nate kiss Grace goodbye as she slips in the door. ‘Maybe he should ask Ben for her number after all, if he hates her boyfriend so much’ Rafe thinks to himself as she walks up, and he can’t help but admire the way her black jeans are hugging her thighs just right and her orange sweater drapes over her almost like a blanket. She looks comfortable.

"Hey!" Grace smiles at the two, way too cheery for eight am. Ben quickly moves his books and she sits down on the other side of him.

"Hey, Grace." Rafe smiles at her. "Was that Nate?" He asks, sharing a brief look with Ben as she pulls everything out of her bag and places her coffee on the desk.

"Yeah, he's got a class in E building at eight-thirty." She explains.

"He seems cool." Rafe says, nudging his friend who just rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, he's sweet." Grace agrees, nodding. "We've been together for... almost four years now. He's just my person, you know?"

He tries not to laugh as Ben rolls his eyes pretty much into the back of his head, deciding not to say anything. "That's crazy, that's a long time."

"Mhm." Grace nods, looking pleased with herself.

"So, he's coming to our party this weekend, hey?" Rafe asks.

"Yeah, he mentioned it." Grace says, turning to lock eyes with her brother. "You be nice to him, by the way! And I'll find out if you're not."

Ben raises his hands defensively. "When am I not nice to him?"

"You're not coming?" Rafe asks before she gets the chance to berate her brother about it anymore.

"No, no. Frat parties aren't really my thing, believe it or not." Grace says, smiling at him, at this point forgetting about lecturing Ben. "Besides, I've got way too much homework and stuff to do. Oh! Speaking of which, Rafe, did you end up doing the readings?" She asks, wanting to move on and not face any weird pause in the conversation.

"Uh, yeah, I did them." Rafe nods, avoiding Ben's eyes as he looks quickly between them, a confused look plastered over his face.

"I assume it went well since you didn't text me?" Grace smiles. "It wasn't anything complicated luckily, they tend to keep it pretty easy for the first couple weeks."

"Well, actually, I would have, but I didn't end up getting your number." He replies, shrugging.

"Oh, well, here, give me your phone." She holds her hand out, gesturing for him to pass it over.

Rafe opens his phone and opens a new contact, then passes the phone over.

Grace quickly types in her information, handing it back to him. "There. You're all set now."

"You gonna tutor his dumb ass or something? Good luck." Ben scoffs, shaking his head.

"At least he plans on doing the readings himself. You're the one who just asks me to relay everything for you."

"Yeah. At least I'm trying." Rafe laughs, shoving his friend's shoulder.

"Yeah, whatever man." Ben rolls his eyes, leaning into his elbows on the counter.

"Seriously, though, Grace, you should come this weekend," Rafe says, leaning back so he can see her over her brother's hunched shoulders.

"I'll think about it." She relents. "I don't know if Nate will like that, though. I'll talk to him."

"Woah, wait- why wouldn't he?" Rafe asks, raising an eyebrow at her. 

"Because he just worries about me, you know?" Grace says and Ben mouths the words along with her, rolling his eyes again. They're getting a workout in this morning, apparently.

Rafe rolls his eyes as well this time. "Respectfully, that's a load of shit."

Grace laughs as her jaw drops. "What? Why? It's sweet!"

"He doesn't think you'll be safe? At a party where him and your brother will be? Please." Rafe says, smiling at her, his eyes scanning over her shocked face. This is the first time he's seen her smile like that- he could sit and watch that all day. Not in a weird way, though. Definitely not. He just takes note of how pretty she looks when he makes her laugh. "Sounds to me like he doesn't want you there." He shrugs.

"No way," Grace shakes her head. "It's not like that- he actually likes it when I drink. It's just an environment he knows I'm not super comfortable in."

"Oh, he likes when you drink. Gotcha. Honestly, you're not making a strong argument. All boys love drunk girls." Rafe says, laughing as Ben punches his arm. "Which is another good reason you should come; because there's going to be sorority girls there and you'll need to keep an eye on him." 

"He's not going to cheat on me, Rafe. He would never do that. Especially with a drunk sorority girl- gross." Grace scrunched up her nose as she speaks, shaking her head fervently.

"Okay, fine. Just like, don't tell him you're coming! They're almost always packed- you probably won't even see him." Rafe suggests.

"You really want her to come, huh?" Ben chuckles, shaking his head at his friend. 

Rafe raises his hands defensively. "Listen- I'm just a fan of women doing what they want, not what their boyfriends say they can."

"Don't make this a feminist thing. You're so full of shit."

"Am not!"

"Well, we'll see if I get ahead on my homework. Then maybe I'll come." Grace interrupts their childish argument, opening her notebook as their prof pulls up the first of the slides. 

Rafe mentally applauds himself as Ben stares at his sister in shock, who is already getting a head start on writing down every last word on the screen.

taglist: @newbooksmell777, @tahliac11, @slut4drudy, @madelynie, @angelw33dz, @mutual-mendes (as always reply or message me to be added or removed!)

[lazyyogi]

Ben, I need spiritual help, and I’m not sure where to find it. If you could provide any wisdom on the most difficult of my spiritual issues, it would mean the world to me. I’ll try to be brief.

I have abandonment issues, most acutely around intimate relationship or deep friendship. This does not root back to my very stable and supported childhood, I don’t believe, but rather to spiritual abandonment I experienced. By this I mean, I discovered Spirit in an enormous amount of power 11 years ago this time. I was not really looking for it at the time but you could say almost overnight I entered a romantic union with God and the cosmos. This lasted for a couple months and then began to fade. A couple months after that it was gone completely, and depression beyond what I had ever felt entered my world. Think of it like, the sweetest lover you’ve ever loved lives with you, and one day you come home and she’s not there, and the house is empty and cold instead. I became suicidal. Eventually I recovered but this fear of abandonment, essentially abandonment from God lives on in me. It arises sometimes from small things. It arises with a monstrous panic and pain when someone I have a spiritual connection to rejects me or puts distance between us. Thank you for listening, I’ll leave it atthat.forfriendlovffor for you, friend 🙏

Hello, my existential accomplice.

If there were one question I could ask you right now, it would be this: What is your practice?

The sacred occurrence you have described from 11 years ago was an opening or awakening of sorts. Some call it stream-entry. It is the spiritual shift that marks the point of no return. There is no going back after having tasted the light of the divine. I have written about stream-entry here. After stream-entry, the terminology and teachings of the spiritual path are no longer the realm of poetry or philosophy but rather immediate experience.

For it to have happened spontaneously for you suggests that you have practiced in a past life, or many past lives. But if you have no understanding of what happened, why it happened, and how to move forward, then it can be a world-shaking traumatic experience.

The origins of the Indian greeting "namaste" has been suggested to mean "the light in me recognizes the light in you." The undivided, non-separate essence of awareness shines in and as all living phenomena. It may be that in the soul connections you feel with other beings, you experience a reflection of your original divine revelation. And you have the same fear of that loss.

Consider two metaphors.

A beautiful dualistic example is that of the sun when it is obscured by clouds. Even on a stormy day, the sun is still shining brightly. Even after you experienced the dissipation of your awakening-experience's bliss, God the Divine has not moved anywhere. Please understand that this is a fact and not simply a platitude. It is a teaching.

A non-dualistic example is that true enlightenment is like the sun discovering there is no such thing as night or day.

In the dualistic metaphor, it is all about the changeless and omnipresent nature of the divine regardless of your position relative to it. In the non-dualistic metaphor, it is the revelation that you are That (the divine as symbolized by the sun). It is a felt reality that is more real than the vicissitudes of day or night.

So from where I am standing, you had an apparent stream-entry 11 years ago but you haven't found the practical path forward since then. And the trauma of the "I found it--I lost it" experience now continues to cycle through you.

This brings us back to my first question: What is your practice? Because the only way out of this mess is through it. Just as it is for us all. I personally recommend meditation as a reliable method, but there are many vehicles.

"We're all just walking each other home." ~ Ram Dass

If you would like to message me privately to discuss this further, I'd be happy to delve into it with you.

Much love.

LY

[blogger360ncislarules]

The season 2 finale of The Gilded Age brought many of the show's central conflicts to a head, including whether or not The Academy or the Met would win the opera war, who the Duke of Buckingham (Ben Lamb) would choose, whether Armstrong (Debra Monk) would ever stop being a pill — and most importantly, if Larry Russell (Harry Richardson) and Marian Brook (Louisa Jacobson) would ever get together.

The moment finally arrived in the season's final scenes, and it wasn't a mere chaste brush of a gloved hand either. Standing on the doorstep of the Van Rhijn household, Larry walked Marian home from a night at the opera in the early light of dawn. She promised that even with a move on the horizon, she would keep in touch with Larry. Larry's response was to kiss her, drawing a shy, pleased smile from Marian.

Executive producer and writer Sonja Warfield tells EW that the romantic moment came after she directly solicited creator Julian Fellowes. "Julian had long game plans to get them together," she says. "Back then everything was very chaste. You didn't really kiss somebody; you shook hands or something like that. So, I really did want Marian and Larry to kiss and asked Julian if they could please kiss at the end of the season. He granted me my wish."

Though Warfield warns that if they do secure a season 3 (HBO has yet to order more of The Gilded Age), it won't just be smooth sailing through the tunnel of love. Even if Marian will now have a newly empowered Ada (Cynthia Nixon) on her side against what will no doubt be objections from Agnes (Christine Baranski). "Relationships had their challenges in 1884, and they do today," she says. "The modern challenges aren't that different from those challenges. Yes, we're rooting for them. But everything will be complicated."

EW got Warfield to break down more of the finale, including Peggy's (Denée Benton) decision to leave the paper, Ada's sudden new wealth and its implications, and the possibility that Bertha Russell (Carrie Coon) has sold her daughter, Gladys (Taissa Farmiga), to a duke solely to win a society war with Mrs. Astor (Donna Murphy).

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: You all brought Ada some romance this year, only to immediately kill off poor Luke (Robert Sean Leonard). So, I have to ask, why are you so mean?

SONJA WARFIELD: Because that's drama. And back then, most of the time when people had an ache or a pain, it did mean death. I wanted to disrupt the status quo with Ada. I just adore Cynthia Nixon, and her performance was mesmerizing to me, so I wanted her to be empowered to have a love. Agnes is oppressive, and so, I wanted for her to have love and to feel loved and to understand how that helped her in the world. The heart of the show, it's about the warring classes and Ada and Agnes represent that old money, and so, they need to remain intact. That's why he couldn't stay. 

Peggy decides to leave the Fortune (Sullivan Jones) paper. What will that mean for her future? She talks about a novel, but being a journalist seems like such a core part of her identity right now. 

In that time period, a lot of women were writing serialized stories for newspapers, so Peggy's done some of that too. There's versatility in her writing and in her work. Listen, Fortune is great, but he's a bad influence. He drinks a little bit; he's married. Peggy has a whole future ahead of her anywhere she wants to be. So I'm excited for her.

Will she be able to stay away though?

We shall see. He is pretty cute.

Watson (Michael Cerveris) gets this happy ending where he's going to actually go and have a life with his daughter. Will we continue to follow him and how that develops in the future? Or once he leaves the Russell household, will we not really check in with him?

Now, he's going to be living as a gentleman. We've already seen Turner (Kelley Curran) cross over. Anything's possible in America at that time.

Speaking of Turner, we learn in the climax of the finale that both Bertha and George did her dirty behind the scenes, both with the opera box and learning that Bertha wrote Mrs. Astor to get the new Mrs. Winterton kicked out of the Academy. If there is a season 3, how might that come back to bite them?

 Listen, she'll be conniving to take Bertha down. Turner, or Mrs. Winterton, will be in her orbit. There are crimes of opportunity that Turner will be looking out for wherever she can catch Bertha out. And remember, she was the maid and the maids know everything. 

One has to assume she already is blaming the Russells for everything.

Oh, absolutely. She's a smart cookie. She knows what's going on.

Season 1 ended with this very short-lived triumph for Bertha with her party coming off. But it wasn't enough. If there is a season 3, would that be similar? She won this battle. Are there more battles for her to win? 

The thing about power is that it's unquenchable. You get a taste of it, and you thirst for more. Bertha has her sights set on conquering American society.

There is a heavy implication that Bertha won the Duke of Buckingham by selling out her own daughter. Is that a fair reading of that scenario?

I think you're a smart woman and that's an astute reading. Sadly.

George also looks quite concerned with whatever might be happening with the Duke. And we did see him early in the season pledge that he was supportive of Gladys marrying someone she actually loves. So is he also suspicious? Is he still determined to stand firm to that promise?

That's something that will be tested, and we'll have to see where George and Bertha land. This season was great because we saw them, probably for the first time with their marriage, in some real jeopardy that they had not experienced before. What I loved about that is that they still emerged as this power couple, and so we'll see if they can sustain that and how much their marriage can take. Parents often want different things for their children and that can be challenging. 

We've really seen the servants branch out a lot more this season, whether that be going to the opera or this overarching plot line with the alarm clock. Are we trending toward a situation conceivably where servants are leaving their profession or their power dynamic is in flux?

That's the difference between America and the U.K. You're born into a position there, but in America it's supposedly the land of opportunity. Turner married up; we'll have to see what happens with Jack and how he fits into this new world, or if he gravitates back to his old world and what really happens with it. Businesses go bust, anything's possible. 

We've pretty much exclusively seen Larry interested in architecture to this point. So what would going into the alarm clock business potentially look like for him? 

Money. He's young and he gets to explore a lot of things because his father's a mogul.

In the final moment, Ada warns Agnes that things might be a little different. Historically, Ada is pretty good natured. So her being in charge, what do you conceive that looking like? I feel like we're gearing up for the battle of the century between these two sisters. 

Here's the thing, fighting with a sibling is so different than fighting with somebody else. You can go in and you can go deep and you can go back. It's so charged and it's so conflict ridden. At the same time, you can be at each other's throats and then the next minute, you can hug it out. What I love is that Ada didn't just get a lot of money. She was really empowered to be independent with Luke in that relationship. So the power dynamics, it'll be fun to watch what happens.

Does she hold any resentment toward Agnes for how domineering she was that we could see come out?

Listen, Agnes pushes people. Even if you were forgiving and didn't have resentment, she might stir it up again.

This cast is known for its stellar lineup of Broadway talent. Who would be your dream to join the cast next season?

Sutton Foster. That would be big fun.

[thepenguinclub]

just a normal boy, with a normal life

miraculous ladybug au, harry as ladybug, draco as chat noir, developing relationship, fluff, short and sweet, warning for brief misgendering (draco uses female nicknames for harry when he's in costume because of the ladybug thing)

Wordcount: 3,377

Summary:

When Harry arrived at the top of Big Ben, there was already a figure waiting for him.

“Took you long enough.” Chat Noir grinned at him, white teeth flashing. “I missed you, dame rouge.”

“The feeling was not mutual, kitty,” Harry replied, lips pursing. “What is it today?”

“Straight to business, how boring,” Chat pouted, his tail swishing behind him. He leaned on his baton, all lean muscle and black leather. His blonde hair ruffled itself in the wind. “Don’t you want to spend a few meow-ments with moi?”

Harry gave him a flat look.

---

The Drarry Miraculous Ladybug AU that no one asked for but everyone needed.

i created this document weeks ago with only the title and the sentence "Hp miraculous au idk". now my baby is all grown up and it took me sitting down and typing for two hours and thirty seven minutes. sometimes it happens so fast. it's a little fast-paced but honestly i dont think expanding on it would help so we're all just going to get through it together.

this is something that i feel like fits so well i dont know. i just. them yknow. also YES i know i keep saying i wont write more hp fics STOP HOLDING ME TO MY WORD i have no control over my actions i guess.

i have not finished s5 of miraculous so no spoilers in the comments please and thank you. this is jsut a little thing. just a little guy.

gifted to the fabulous fabledfrog because they're a good friend. i don't need more of a reason i just felt like writing something i thought they would like than thar she blows. go check out their stuff, the merlin oneshots are near and dear to me. love, hope you have a great day <3.

WARNINGS: vague descriptions of fantasy violence (talking vague vague, just a lot of falling and a little hitting nothing bad), swearing, eating, google translate french (if the french doesn't make sense let me know and i will fix it!!!), misgendering (mentioned in the tags but draco calls harry (a cis boy) female nicknames like chat calls ladybug in the show, it isn’t meant maliciously or in a negative way but i know it can make some people uncomfortable so be aware of that!!)

enjoy. :)

--------

Harry sighed for the fourth time in the last ten minutes. Ron shot him a look, and Harry gave him an embarrassed smile, cheeks pinking. Ron rolled his eyes, used to his antics.

He couldn’t help it though, really. He tried to pay attention in class, but he had made the mistake of sitting behind Theodore Nott, which meant he was sitting diagonally to the most beautiful boy in England. Possibly the world. Definitely in the UK. 

Draco Malfoy was just perfect. His hair was blonde and spun like weaved gold. His skin was smooth and clear. His eyes were gray and sharp and his mouth was just-

“Mate, really,” Ron whispered, nudging him. Harry must have sighed again. “We both know I’m not getting any of this, I’m really counting on you.”

“Just get the notes from Hermione later,” Harry whispered back, pointedly not looking at Draco Malfoy. He sat in the perfect position to ogle Draco, far enough behind him not to get caught but close enough to get a fraction of his fantastic side profile, his perfectly shaped nose- 

“She told me she wouldn’t help me anymore,” Ron told him sullenly, smiling politely at Professor McGonagall when she glared down her nose at him. He waited until she continued her lecture before continuing. “Said I need to ‘learn to do things on my own’ or something like that. Like I didn’t live fifteen years of my life just fine before meeting her.”

Harry could talk about Draco Malfoy for hours without interruption, sure, but at least he recognized the fact that he had a (massive) crush. Ron, on the other hand, could rant about all the things Hermione Granger had done for just as long, yet was still very unaware of his own crush.

Hermione was no better, Harry reflected. Everytime she had any emotion other than ‘smart’ she tended to just snark and smirk until it went away. They made a dreadful pair, the two of them.

Then again, Harry was equally as dreadfully gone on Draco Malfoy, a boy who only knew he existed because of the various sweets he brought into class. It was an awful existence he lead, truly.

Thankfully, McGonagall saved him from having to navigate Ron’s crush by assigning them an essay, to be started immediately. Harry bit his lip as he got his laptop out. He needed to focus. Pads and Moony were so proud of his good score on the last essay, and McGonagall was a harsh grader. He wasn’t very good at focusing on the right things at the right time, but he needed to try. Which meant no distractions.

Even if they were gorgeous, blonde models. With perfect ears and sharp cheekbones. And slender, sensual fingers.

Ron slapped his shoulder.

“Harry!” Sirius greeted loudly. The bell tingled above Harry as he walked into the bakery, the smell of fresh bread welcoming him home. “Come on, lad, Remus needs your help in the kitchen!”

“Oi, Black, lay off the poor boy,” a regular admonished teasingly from her seat at a table, her laptop in front of her. 

“Yeah, Pads, listen to Madame Vance,” Harry agreed, smiling at his godfather, who reached over the counter to ruffle his hair aggressively. 

“Being betrayed in my own business,” he ‘tsked’. “Go on, pup, get.”

Harry raised his hands in surrender as he made his way into the back of the bakery, the temperature immediately rising as he entered the kitchen. Remus was bent over a roll of dough, kneading it methodically. He looked up when Harry tapped his shoulder.

“Good afternoon, Harry.” Remus smiled at him, warm as the kitchen. Harry threw his bag up the stairs quickly before washing his hands and joining Remus with his own dough.

“Hey, Moony.” Harry rolled the dough under his hands, falling into the familiar action easily. “How’s your day been?”

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but was caught off guard by the shrill ringing of an alarm, blaring through the building. Harry jumped, looking around.

“Another akuma,” Remus sighed. “Suppose Hawk Moth doesn’t work a nine to five like the rest of us.”

“Haha, right,” Harry agreed through his smile. “Uh, Moony, I actually have some homework I need to do before I forget, can I-?”

“Go, go.” Remus mimed shooing him with flour-covered hands. “Have fun.”

“Not likely,” Harry yelled back, already sprinting up the stairs, grabbing his bag on the way. As soon as he got into his room and closed the hatch behind him, a little red figure was zooming out of his bag. 

“It’s sad you couldn’t finish those croissants,” Tikki said, little hands wringing together. “They smelled so good.”

“I’ll give you some later,” Harry promised, jumping up and down and shaking his hands out. “For now, we’ve got an akuma to take care of. Tikki, spots on!”

When Harry arrived at the top of Big Ben, there was already a figure waiting for him. 

“Took you long enough.” Chat Noir grinned at him, white teeth flashing. “I missed you, dame rouge.”

“The feeling was not mutual, kitty,” Harry replied, lips pursing. “What is it today?”

“Straight to business, how boring,” Chat pouted, his tail swishing behind him. He leaned on his baton, all lean muscle and black leather. His blonde hair ruffled itself in the wind. “Don’t you want to spend a few meow -ments with moi?”  

Harry gave him a flat look, and his partner groaned. 

“Yes, yes, fine. It’s a giant troll-thing today, because of course it is.”

“That’s more like it.” Harry looked out at London, and at the smoke rising across the Thames.  A roar shook the air, and Harry took a deep breath. “Make sure you keep up,” he said over his shoulder with a grin, before running and leaping off the tower. He heard Chat sputter over the air rushing in his ears.

Harry swung off Westminster Bridge and onto the roofs of various buildings, running and jumping his way towards the akuma of the week. Chat caught up quickly, keeping pace next to him. 

“I’m just saying,” he commented, and Harry groaned, “we should get together outside of akuma-fighting.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, kitty?” Harry asked, exasperated. “I’m not going on a date with you.”

“Why not?” Chat whinged. “I’m pretty, you’re fucking phenomenol, truly, just de toute beauté-”

Chat was, thankfully, interrupted by a car being flung their way by, yes, a troll-thing. It’s head peaked out over the buildings, beady eyes fixed on Harry and his partner. 

“We’re continuing this later!” Chat yelled at him. Harry ignored him in favor of swinging horizontally, coming at the troll's head from the side and landing a solid kick to its cheek. The force sent it stumbling, and it tripped over Chat’s waiting baton, stretched across the street, falling in a heap.

“Where’s its akuma?” Harry asked himself, looking over the troll. It roared and staggered to its feet, showing off its shirtless, un-accessorized body. There was nothing that stood out as something for the akuma to hide in. 

“Where is it?” Chat yelled at him, obviously thinking the same thing. 

“Just keep it contained until we can figure it out!” Harry yelled in response, already taking steps to wrap his yo-yo around the troll’s legs. He pulled, and it once again went down.

“Doesn’t seem very coordinated,” Harry noted. Chat came to stand next to him, hands on his hips. 

“Doesn’t seem able to do much of anything,” he corrected. “And there’s nowhere for the akuma to be hiding, it’s not wearing anything but a diaper. And there’s no way I’m destroying that.”

Harry scrutinized the troll for another second before a light went off in his head. He threw his yo-yo in the air and yelled out a quick ‘lucky charm!’

A giant, ladybug-spotted teddy bear falling out of the sky and almost crushing Chat Noir confirmed his theory. Tuning out Chat Noir’s spluttering and profanity, he looked around until he formed a plan.

“Chat, do you see the billboard right there?” he asked, pointing. Chat Noir grumbled something under his breath in French.

“You couldn’t have helped me out with the teddy, ma dame?” he asked snidely, arms crossed. Harry spared him a raised eyebrow, and smiled slightly at the flush that rose on the other boy’s pale cheeks. “Yes, I see it.”

“Wait for my signal,” Harry told him. Chat nodded and took off, just in time for the troll to let out a particularly loud roar and push itself up with its arms. Harry called his yo-yo back and allowed the troll to get up fully, then started shouting.

“Over here!” he yelled, waving his arms. “Look at me, Troll-y!” 

The large figure turned, eyes quickly fixating on the brightly-colored, massive teddy bear. Attention having been grabbed, it stumbled forward and roared. Harry wrapped the bear in his yo-yo a few times before running in the opposite direction, lugging the bear along with him. It bounced behind him as the troll fumbled its way towards it, roaring louder once it realized the bear was moving away from it. 

Harry ran until he came to an intersection in the street and stopped, panting. That bear had no business being that heavy. He turned around just in time to be covered by the troll’s shadow as it loomed above him, arms outreached for the bear.

“Now, Chat!” he yelled. 

“Cataclysm!” was his only response, and then a giant billboard with the Prime Minister’s face on it came crashing down onto the troll’s head. It crumbled, and something on its head must have broken, because a black butterfly fluttered out of the lump that was the troll and the broken billboard. Harry quickly captured it and de-evilized it.

“Bye bye, little butterfly.” He waved as the white butterfly made its way into the sky, and then stared at the giant teddy bear.

“How are you going to throw that?” Chat asked, and Harry jumped, looking over his shoulder at his partner, who grinned at him. “Don’t worry, coccinelle, I would never harm someone as purr- fect as you.”

“Ever get tired of saying that?” Harry asked in a sigh. Chat didn’t have a chance to answer before he was interrupted by the sound of a baby crying. Where the troll had been, a baby girl now sat, clad in only a diaper. Harry walked quickly over and picked her up carefully, rocking her and making comforting noises.

Chat picked up a broken tiara off the ground and raised his eyebrows. “Guess it didn’t grow with her.”

“It’s alright, love, you’re all right,” Harry said softly, wiggling a gloved finger in front of the baby’s face. “You’re going to be just fine, yes you are.”

“Carrie!” a woman’s voice yelled, and a moment later there was a frazzled mother in front of Harry. “Oh, thank God. Thank you so much, Ladybug, thank you, I saw her get akumatized but it was too late and I was afraid she would hurt my other children and I hoped you would come, but-”

“We’re happy to help, madam,” Chat assured her kindly, cheeks pink. Harry shot him a grateful look, unable to get a word in through the woman’s anxious rambling. Chat, uncharacteristically, ducked his head, cheeks reddening further. Harry held out Carrie, who looked happy to be back in her mom’s arms. 

“Thank you so much, Chat Noir, Ladybug,” she said once again, looking close to tears.

“It was our pleasure,” Harry replied with a smile. He and Chat walked away, letting her calm down with her daughter. They ended up at the teddy bear, bright red with black spots and twice their size. “How do we do this?”

“Don’t ask me,” Chat shrugged, hands back on his hips and his head cocked to the side. “So fur, you’re the one that comes up with the paw -some ideas, not me.”

“Please, stop.”

The sun was just beginning to set when Harry and his partner made it back to Big Ben, their meeting place. It cast London in a haze of purple and yellow, and Chat Noir’s eyes reflected white in the lighting.

“I do wish we could spend more time together, ma dame ,” he said, taking Harry’s hands and pressing a kiss to the back of it. He looked up at Harry through his lashes, lips warm through his glove.

Harry’s heart squeezed. Truly, Chat was a good friend. But he didn’t know Harry, didn’t know who he was underneath the mask. He seemed to have a habit of falling for boys who didn’t know Harry at all.

“I’ll see you next time, Kitten,” Harry said in reply, trying to put a small smile on his face. Chat’s face fell just slightly, but he nodded anyway and stepped back. 

“Next time,” he agreed. He turned and jumped off the clocktower, disappearing into the glow of the sunset. Harry sighed and made his own way home, slipping into his room and de-transforming. He collapsed on his bed and stared at his corkboard, full of pictures. 

His parents, just a few weeks before the car crash that killed them. Padfoot and Moony with a five year old Harry in front of the bakery, a few months after Sirius had been released from prison and they had decided to buy it in the first place. Ron, Harry, and all of Ron’s siblings, dressed in matching Christmas sweaters. Ron, Harry and Hermione, munching on cupcakes in the bakery while working on schoolwork. All kept with the theme Harry had clutched against his chest his whole life: family.

Only two pictures didn’t match. The first was Draco Malfoy, posing for a photoshoot. It was in Kensington Gardens, and he looked radiant in the lighting with the gardens in the background. The second was Chat Noir, a wild grin on his face with his tail whipping behind him as he fell through the air, right into Ladybug’s waiting arms.

“Why are you upset, Harry?” Tikki asked lightly. She was perched on the pillow next to his head, munching on a macron, and he turned to look at her.

“I suppose I wish I was noticed a bit more,” he confessed, oversimplifying significantly. Still, she seemed to understand, because she scooted towards him and pressed one of her small hands against his cheek.

“You’re noticed by the people that matter, Harry,” she told him firmly. “Anyone who doesn’t notice you isn’t worth your time.”

“I guess,” he acquiesced, aware that was exactly what Moony and Pads would tell him. He turned to look at the ceiling, only partially mollified. Tikki hummed and flew up to burrow in the space just above his collarbone and below his neck, and her warmth comforted him.

“I notice you,” she told him. He smiled and brought a hand up to lightly rest it against her.

“I know, Tikki,” he said. “I notice you, too.”

The next day it rained. Hard. 

Not very out of character for London, except they had been having a rare sunny patch, and Harry hadn’t brought an umbrella, and it was raining. Very hard.

Harry hiked his bag up higher on his shoulder, gritting his teeth and trying to mentally give himself enough motivation to start the walk home. He was failing.

“Harry? What are you doing here so late?” a smooth voice asked, and Harry just about died when he turned around to see Draco Malfoy looking at him with a neutrally curious face. A perfect neutrally curious face.

“I, um.” Harry swallowed and bit his lip aggressively. “Raining.”

“Do you not have an umbrella?” Draco asked, tilting his head. His blonde hair was styled perfectly in place. Harry was sure he was about to go into cardiovascular failure.

“No,” he said. “I mean, yes. I mean, no, no umbrella, yes, I do not have an umbrella. Um.”

Where was Ron when a mate needed help? Really? Harry held his breath, waiting for Draco to respond. Maybe, if he was lucky, Draco would take a while and Harry would pass out from lack of oxygen. 

“Oh,” Draco said, and Harry let his breath out all in one breath, just barely managing not to choke on it, only having to cough a bit. “Would you like to use mine?”

Only then did Harry notice the black umbrella Draco had in his hand (beautiful hand), just before he held it out in offering. Harry stared at it for longer than was probably socially acceptable.

“Sure! Uh, yeah. Wait, don’t you need it?” he rushed out. Draco’s mouth quirked up in a half-smile. Harry’s heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his skull.

“I get driven.” He nodded to a black car parked in front of the school. “It’s alright.”

“Oh, well, uh, I guess, yeah.” Harry smiled weakly. Draco handed him the umbrella, and he tried to open it, only to be unsuccessful. He tried again, pressing a button, but the umbrella stayed closed. 

“Do you need help?” Draco asked. His voice was clear and velvety and Harry really was going to die. He must have made some sort of assent, because Draco reached over and put his hand over Harry’s and oh fucking shit Harry was going to see the way their skin contrasted against each other in his dreams for the next twenty years. “Here, you have to push it down and then pull. Voila.”

The umbrella snapped open, and Harry jumped slightly. He laughed awkwardly.

“Thanks, er, thank you, Draco.” Harry tried his very best to give Draco a normal, totally-not-in-love-with-you smile. Draco gave him a perfect, amazing, gorgeous smile in return.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Draco said with a wave. Harry didn’t have enough time to formulate any sort of response before Draco was off, running to the car through the rain and sliding into the back seat. The car pulled away not even a second later, and Harry was left staring at where it disappeared in the rain. 

Tikki floated up to sit on Harry’s shoulder.

“That went well,” she told him brightly.

“I’m about to vomit,” Harry replied.

Tikki’s high, giggly laugh could just be heard over the sound of the rain.

“He’s perfect,” Draco whinged, flopping onto his bed. “He’s beautiful and perfect and je ne sais pas quoi faire, comment suis-je censé vivre comme ça.”

Plagg, the traitor, only laughed. 

“Ladybug isn’t interested in you, Draco,” he said, nested in a shoebox of soft fabrics and holding a slice of cheese. “It’s just sad at this point.”

“But he’s perfect!” Draco repeated, propping himself up on his elbows. “How do you not understand this?”

“Because I’m not as hopeless as you are,” Plagg replied easily, mid-chew. He swallowed. “Try and crush on someone more your league, maybe? What about that Harry kid? He’s cute.”

“He is cute,” Draco admitted. He sagged onto his mattress, resting his face on his hands. “He’s too nice for me, though. Too sweet. I’d ruin him.”

“You give yourself too much credit.” Plagg polished off his cheese and zipped over to sit on Draco’s head, pillowing into his hair. “Maybe sweet and nice would be good for you.”

“Maybe.” Draco stared at the pictures pinned above his bed, of Ladybug. Smiling, laughing, serious, mid-villain takedown. He was the most lovely human ever created.

“Forget about Ladybug,” Plagg instructed him. “Focus on Harry.”

Draco sighed, but did as he was told and got out his phone, scrolling to Harry’s Instagram where there were dozens of pictures of various baked goods and of his friends. Only when Draco went to what he was tagged in did he find pictures of Harry himself, of his pretty green eyes and dusky skin.

“He is cute,” Draco said again. Plagg made a triumphant noise and made himself comfortable on Draco’s head. Draco sighed and threw his phone onto his pillow, putting his head down carefully so as not to knock Plagg off.

Boys, Draco decided, needed to just stop being so pretty. It really wasn’t fair, especially when he had to choose between them.

Regardless, both Ladybug and Harry stayed on his mind for the rest of the night.

-----------

harry is something that can just be so personal you know. i love him. he is my baby boy (he is a grown man with ptsd but not in this version he isn't! either way he is my baby boy). hope you enjoyed. i tried to stay close to character but obviously circumstances would change things so i feel like i have a smidge of leeway.

i debated making up a new superhero name for harry but ultimately i didn't want to come up with a new one and also i thought it was fun to playa round with draco's female nicknames for harry! if i ever write something else in this universe (maybe i will maybe i wont who knows im a mystery (i will do anything for the commenters)) i might play around with how he feels about that in the beginning and hten how he grows to accept it and even like it, maybe even have some gender studies??? who knows. anyway.

draco is also my baby boy just fyi. they fit in my pockets.

i hope you liked this! fable i love you and i love having you as a friend.

all you readers, i love you too and i hope you have a fantastic rest of your week. bye!!

my ao3

[hitchell-mope]

Homecoming by bal, devie, jaynelos, gilonnie, numa and Hadie at Harry’s mock funeral.

Carlos: My heart is beating from me

Gil: I am standing all alone

Uma: Please call me only if you are coming home

Lonnie: Waste another year flies by

Jane: Waste a night or two

Mal: You taught me how to live

Hit it!

(Everyone takes off their mourning garb to reveal glittery, sequinned nightclub outfits and the couples start dancing together around Hadie)

Mal: In the streets of shame

Jay: Where you've lost your dreams in the rain

Evie: There's no signs of hope

Carlos: The stems and seeds of the last of the dope

Uma: There's a glow of light

Lonnie: The Saint Harry is the spark in the night

Gil: Bearing “gifts” and “trust”

Jane: A fixture in the city of lust

(The couples do a Greek dance in a circle around Hadie)

Ned: What the hell's your name?

Uma: What's your pleasure, what is your pain?

Ben: Do you dream too much?

Mal: Do you think what you need is a crutch?

(The circle dance continues)

Doug: In the crowd of pain

Evie: St. Harry comes without any shame

Jay: I say, We're fucked up, but we're not the same

Mal: And Mom and Dad are the ones you can blame

(Up on the stage a long line of Harry’s are kneeling, blindfolded execution style. The core four start exciting the Harry’s. Jay with a pistol, Mal with a sniper, Carlos with a crossbow and Evie with a machine gun. All in time to the music and much to Hadie’s increasing horror)

Jay: Harry died today

Mal: It blew its brains out into the bay

Carlos: In the state of mind

Evie: In its own private suicide

(Hadie rushes back to the door only to be cut off by Mal)

Mal: See, nobody cares

Cause, nobody cares

Hadie: Does anyone care?

Mal: No, nobody cares.

Cause, nobody cares

So, nobody cares

Hadie (on the verge of tears): Does anyone care?

Mal: No, nobody cares.

(She slowly turns Hadie back towards the stage and guides him over to a chair

Mal: Jesus filling out paperwork now

Jay: At the facility on East 12th Street

Evie: It’s not listening to a word now

Carlos: He's in his own world and he's daydreaming

Gil: He'd rather be doing something else now

Uma: Like cigarettes and coffee with the underbelly

Mal: Your life's on the line with anxiety now

Ben: 'Cause you had enough and it had plenty

(Hadie jumps up from his chair and runs off only to be wrestled to the ground by the boys

Hadie: Somebody get me out of here

Anybody get me out of here

Somebody get me out of here

Get me the fuck right out of here

(Ben, Jay, Carlos, Doug and Gil drag Hadie back to the stage)

Hadie: So far away, I don't want to stay

Get me outta here right now

I just want to be free, is there a possibility?

Get me out of here right now

Mal: Out,

Evie: out

Lonnie: Out,

Jane: out

Uma: right

(The boys force Hadie to his knees in an execution pose)

Hadie: This life like dream ain't for me

(Everybody goes into slow motion. They all gesture upwards as Gil descends from on high, lounging on a crescent moon and wearing nothing but a nude coloured leotard like he’s Bombalurina at the start of the “Macavity” song)

Gil: I fell asleep while watching Spike TV

After ten cups of coffee and you're still not here

Dreaming of a song, but something went wrong

But you can't tell anyone, 'cause no one's here

Left me here alone and I should've stayed home

After ten cups of coffee, I'm thinking

(The fire four circle menacingly around a distraught Hadie)

Hadie: Where'd he go?

Mal: Nobody liked him,

Jay: everyone left him

Evie: We’re all out without him,

Carlos: havin' fun

Hadie: Where'd he go?

Mal: Everyone left him,

Jay: nobody liked him

Hadie: Where'd he go?

Evie: We’re all out without him,

Carlos: havin' fun

Hadie: Where'd he go?

Mal (directing Evie towards the stage): go, go, go

Jeez

Ha

(Evie runs up to the stage, flashes into a go-go girl outfit and dances like it’s the sixties while Doug goes ham on the drums)

Doug: I got a rock 'n' roll band

I got a rock 'n' roll life

I got a rock 'n' roll girlfriend

Evie: But I’m not yet his wife

Doug: I got a rock 'n' roll house

Evie: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa

Doug: I got a rock 'n' roll car

Evie: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa

Doug: I play the shit out the drums

(He does a frantic drum solo)

Evie: And he can play the guitar

(Doug does a truly impressive electric guitar solo. Then Lonnie and Gil join them on stage)

Lonnie: YEEAAH!!!!

Gil: I got a kid in New York

Lonnie: oh-oh-oh-oh

Gil: I got a kid in the Bay

Lonnie: oh-oh-oh-oh

Carlos: I haven't drank or smoked nothin' in over 22 days

Mal: So get off my case,

off of my case

Off of my case

Ben: Hey!

(He turns Hadie around to look at the “pallbearers” who are just demons dragging Harry’s sea bloated corpse through the dirt and the mud)

Ben: Here they come marching down the street

Mal: ooh, ooh-ooh

Doug: Like a desperation murmur of a heartbeat

Evie: ooh, ooh-ooh

Gil: Coming back from the edge of town

Underneath their feets

Ned: Their time has come, and it's going nowhere

Uma: ooh, ooh-ooh

Jay and Carlos: Nobody ever said that life was fair now

Jane: ooh, ooh-ooh

Lonnie: Go-carts and guns are treasures it will bear

In the summer heat

(Ben turns Hadie to face Mal again)

Mal: The world is spinning 'round and 'round out of control again

Jay: From the 7-11 to the fear of breaking down

Evie: So send your love a letterbomb, and visit it in Hell

Carly’s: We're the ones going

(Mal starts dismantling the sequence in a whirlwind of pixels)

Everyone: Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

(Hadie is confronted with one last image of Harry’s true nature)

Carlos (his voice thick with trauma): I started fucking running as soon as my feet touched the ground

Mal: Way back in the barrio

But to you and me, that's Jingletown

(Ben, Doug, Lonnie, Jane, Gil, Ned and Uma match away into the darkness)

Core four: That's home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

(Mal frogmarches Hadie back through the door to the tune of army drums)

Core four: Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

Home

We're going home again

(Back in the kings residence)

Evie (neatly and poshly sitting in a nearby armchair): Nobody liked him

Jay (flopping down onto the couch): Everyone left him

Carlos (flopping down next to Jay): We’re all out without you

Mal (flopping down between Jay and Carlos with a hardened smile on her face): Havin' fun

[stocky2016]

"UNSTOPPABLE!"

My life is filled with endless possibilities,

there exists a spirit unyielding, unceasing.

A force beyond measure, a flame that burns bright,

I am unstoppable, an embodiment of might.

Like a raging river, carving its path,

I break through barriers, conquer with wrath.

No obstacle too great, no challenge too vast,

I traverse the rough terrain, steadfast.

With unwavering determination as my guide,

I soar to great heights, reaching the sky wide.

Fear and doubt may try to weigh me down,

but I rise above, wearing victory as my crown.

In the face of adversity, I find new strength,

pushing  boundaries, going to any length.

For each setback only fuels my fire,

propelling me forward, ever higher and higher.

I am a symphony of resilience and grit,

a testament to the human spirit.

Nothing can hinder my unwavering drive,

I am unstoppably me, and ready to thrive.

So let the doubters whisper, let them scorn,

their words are mere echoes, easily torn.

For I am a force that cannot be contained,

defying all odds, my success unconstrained.

In the realm of dreams, I am the king,

a conqueror of fate, an untamed thing.

No force on earth can hold me back,

for I'm unstoppably on the very right track.

So embrace the power that lies deep within,

unleash your potential, let your journey begin.

For you too possess the strength and will,

to rise above, to conquer, and fulfill.

Together we stand, united and strong,

bound by the belief that we truly belong.

For within our souls, the flame forever gleams,

whispering softly, "We're unstoppable beings.”

Unstoppable force,  waves breaking  on  the shore 

no matter what the odds, I'm pushing forward, evermore 

An unstoppable force, like a train tied to its track

every  step I take is forward,  I never ever look back.

I'm always forging  through life's labyrinth of roads

dealing with adversity and  untold woes

Never stopping believin', never letting folk control 

with hope in my heart, I protect  the dreams of my soul.

Steadfast I stand, no  runnin' away from fear 

triumphant  I am, courage remonstrating  loud and so clear 

Gonna tackle the unknown with all my strength and flair 

been workin' too hard to let my dreams disappear.

I'm overcoming  the strife, producing new light 

moving forwards through any potential trial  and fight

pressing on ahead, with  chance to shine 

don't  ever doubt i'll thrive,  it's now my time!

Take control of the reins, steer confidently your life 

make positive moves even maybe  ignoring the wife...

Make each step count, pull away from the strife 

the future's still yours, go out and live, a fulfilled  life.

Whatever the world throws at me, I'm  ready for more 

with courage and tenacity, I never close any door 

I'm gonna rise  up, and no matter what I have to face 

I'll stand tall and proud, protecting my place.

I'm gonna keep the throttle on and continue on my way

through tedious winding roads I'll journey, every day 

persevering through darkness, no matter the sky 

I'm setting my own course, i'm ready to fly!

Prepared for anything,  but in life's game I'll  win 

It doesn't matter what they say, or how they block my sins

i'll  take every step of courage, because no grief can defeat

nor anyone contain me, I'm an unstoppable feat.

My spirit is free, I'll never ever fall

I walk through fire and brimstone, I won't ever stall

I'm just so ready  to take on any challenge, whatever I face 

there's  no limiting  me now, I have unstoppable pace.

https://youtu.be/h3h035Eyz5A?si=

© Geoff Stockton  in close collaboration with his co-writing Muse and poetess

© Myriam Ghezaïl Ben Brahim 

(Graphics courtesy of Google Images)

[the-conversation-pod]

GMMTV Breakfast Club: On 23.5 and Only Boo!

AND WE'RE BACK!

School's in at GMMTV, but we gotta put two series in detention for not fulfilling the assignment. The actors were charming, but the finishes were...rough. Ben, NiNi and Ginny talk 23.5 and Only Boo, the merits of high school stories, and the specific challenges of telling stories about queer high schoolers.

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond with chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

00:01:15 - Introduction: Two High School Shows from GMMTV 00:02:18 - 23.5: Early Reactions 00:14:18 - 23.5: Supporting Characters 00:21:27 - 23.5: Frustration with the Writing and Execution 00:33:42 - 23.5: Final Arc and Ratings 00:38:42 - Only Boo! 00:48:06 - Only Boo: Popping the Bubble 00:58:42 - Only Boo: If You're Gonna Do An Idol Story, Commit 01:05:06 - Only Boo: Final Thoughts and Ratings 01:08:45 - Outro: High School Blues

The Conversation Transcripts!

Thanks to the continued efforts of @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

00:00:00 - Welcome

NiNi

Welcome to The Conversation About BL, aka The Brown Liquor Podcast.

Ben

And there it is. I’m Ben.

NiNi

I’m NiNi.

Ben

And we’re you’re drunk Caribbean uncle and auntie here sitting on the porch in the rocking chairs.

NiNi

Four times a year we pop in to talk about what’s going on in the BL world.

Ben

We shoot the shit about stories and all the drama going into them. I review from a queer media lens.

NiNi

And I review from a romance and drama lens.

Ben

So if you like cracked-out takes and really intense emotional analysis…

NiNi

If you like talking about artistry, industry, and the discourse…

Ben

And if you generally just love simping…

NiNi

There is a lot of simping on this podcast…

Ben

We are the show for you!

00:01:15 Introduction: Two High School Shows from GMMTV

Ben 

And we're back. This week we're going to be discussing 23.5 and Only Boo. We brought our friend Ginny along as usual. Say hi, Ginny.

Ginny 

Hey folks!

NiNi 

We are talking high school from GMMTV. Ben and I, in the VIIB Awards, we discussed that it might feel like GMMTV does high school a lot, but they don't actually. So it was really interesting to see them delve into these high school stories with, let's say, mixed results.

Ben 

It's kind of weird that GMMTV went from, like, not really doing high school to having two shows running simultaneously. It's kind of surprising from them, honestly.

NiNi 

Lest we forget to point it out, 23.5 is also GMMTV's first GL. I think in terms of that, that they handled it pretty well as a GL.

00:02:18 23.5: Early Reactions

NiNi

Ben, what is 23.5 about?

Ben 

23.5 is a high school GL about a young woman named Ongsa who is moving from Phuket to Bangkok. She's a fan of this girl on Instagram and happens to run into her very early in her new time at the school, develops a crush on her, accidentally befriends her through her IG, but gets presumed to be a guy, and then proceeds to high key catfish this girl [laughs] sorting out her feelings about whether or not she, could possibly like her.

She lives with her parents, her older sister, and their cousin who's the same age as her. Her cousin's very much an easy autism read who ends up in her own romance with her big cousin's friend. We end up in this show dealing with Ongsa's complicated feelings of self-worth and how in her tendency to put her own self down, she kind of lets down the people around her. At least I think that's what the show's trying to do.

Ginny, why don't you walk us through how you felt in anticipation of the show after it got announced a very long time ago.

Ginny 

So long ago. So Milk and Love, the two lead actresses, were, of course, the side couple in Bad Buddy. So it was no surprise that they were announced as the lead couple of the first GMMTV GL. I was very excited just to see GMMTV finally moving into this space. It's been good to see more studios open to producing GLs and GMMTV being one of the biggest, definitely wanted to see them do it. So, without really caring much about what the story was going to be, I just wanted to see them do a GL and do a decent job. I was not super invested in, oh, is this going to be a plot or a premise that really appeals to me? I was just like, let's have some girls fall in love and make a good story. 

It was a longer run up than I think a lot of people wanted. There was a lot of disgruntlement, some conspiracy theory feelings about it that I don't really hold to. I do think they were giving as much to this show as they do to their big flagship BL stories. Was very excited and also nervous tuning into the first episode because this clearly was going to be a weathervane for them to decide how much to invest in the GL side going forward.

NiNi 

It was over a year that we've waited and waited and waited for this. They had a really long shoot schedule. They were shooting this thing for an inordinate amount of time, and I think that for me, added to the anticipation. Because it felt like they were taking their time with it, so I was very excited about that. I like Milk, I like Love, I like June, I like View. I was really looking forward to watching all of them really get into this with a director and a team that I had enjoyed. This is from Fon Kanittha, and Fon did 10 Years Ticket, which is one of my favorite things that GMMTV has done. 

Ben, what about you? How were you anticipating this? What were you looking forward to about it? What were some of your concerns coming into it?

Ben 

I was admittedly really nervous about this show going into it. We had drama in the reactions to this show in just the original casting choices.Fourth and Gemini were originally announced as part of the cast for this, and then, looks like GMMTV shuffled some stuff because they wanted to prioritize the boys' availability for a different project because My School President was received apparently really well, at least enough for GMMTV to make some different decisions.

But there was a lot of drama in the English language reactions about not wanting BL paired boys in this at all. So I was worried from the get go that we were already having fights about the market that they were trying to pull in. And I was really nervous about what GMMTV was gonna do with this. I've bitched on this podcast quite a few times about when I think BL doesn't necessarily care that much about how queer their boys read and sometimes ship is more important than some sort of queer coming of age beat that they really wanna hit. I was really nervous about what that might look like for a GL because we don't have a framework for what that looks like. there's actually not a great deal of lesbian coming of age romance internationally, even, to pull from, and even within Thailand there's only a couple of projects that I can really refer to from like a lesbian film history. And most of those are for college girls. So there were a lot of big question marks for me going into this, so I actually went in with not a whole lot of expectation from this. I'm admittedly not familiar with Fon's work. I did not watch 10 Years Ticket. But I knew that folks like NiNi were really excited and wanted to see what Fon doing a GL would look like. 

So, there was a lot of anticipation and hope about what it could be, but I actually went in with very few expectations about what it might look like as a result.

NiNi 

So, Ginny, having those expectations and coming into the show, what were your first impressions of 23.5? What are some of the first things that you picked up on and maybe really enjoyed about it?

Ginny 

I loved the beginning. There were a couple different ways I was afraid that it might go wrong. One was that it would just feel like a gender flipped BL. Another was that it would be like overly softened and pastel in, especially what is usually labeled sapphic romance these days, frequently things are all very soft and delicate.

NiNi 

[laughs] Vaseline all over the lens and, like, nobody's talking too loud, yeah.

Ginny

Yeah, and I like to see women in stories, and especially women falling in love in stories feel as much like real people with all of the edges that real people have as boys get to do. So a thing that just thrilled me from episode 1 was what a mess Ongsa is. Ongsa played by Milk, incredible performance. Whatever criticisms, and we have many of the show, I think we can all agree that Milk was wonderful in this role and really did a phenomenal job of playing this tense and awkward and intensely self-conscious teenage lesbian that I saw so many people I know in. The way that she falls on the floor after having a phone message with her crush that's a little bit awkward but also positive and the way she would just flail around. The way it felt like she didn't quite know what to do with her body, like she's still growing and gangly and awkward, was just so beautifully done and I really enjoyed it. And it really did feel distinctly like girls as opposed to just, we're gonna do a BL but with wigs on.

I can't even put a finger on it, but there were so many little details that I was like, yes, this feels like young girls falling in love. The way that you feel about a pretty girl in school that you can barely even stand to talk to, and you feel like this giant gangly monster and she's this otherworldly gorgeous creature. So many of those nuances, especially in the earlier episodes, were just beautifully done and I loved them so much.

NiNi 

I feel like one of the things that helped contribute to that feel was the wardrobe. From the time I saw all the ways they were dressed, I was just like, this is what tropical girls in high school dressed like. There's a lot of t-shirts and shorts.

Ginny 

Yes!

NiNi 

It's not fancy, it's not done up. You're at home and you're chilling and you're wearing a t -shirt and some running shorts and maybe you've got socks on because your feet are cold for some reason. It made me think of growing up back in Trinidad because this is how it is. It felt really real. It felt like, okay, they understand girls.

Ginny 

Yes. There's one scene where they're running around the school at night for reasons—they shouldn't be there—but they're all in their little t-shirts. And it's like this slumber party feeling of excitement. And you're close to this person that you have a crush on. And somehow the wardrobe just made it all feel so much more like, yes, I've been there. I know what that feels like.

NiNi 

Ben, what about you? What are some of the things that you enjoyed when you started watching the show?

Ben

I was relieved that Ongsa already seemed to know that she liked girls. And so we get to enjoy Milk playing this human disaster of a lesbian in the early episodes. I often feel like there's a tension with some of the actors about their image. And some of them seem to struggle with having to be cringy or kind of gross. And Milk is not one of them. It's why I think a lot of her characters have such a believable quality to them. The way they move, they feel like they're present in the space. They don't feel necessarily like they're aware of the camera. They're just so focused on what they're trying to feel in the moment. 

I rarely have trouble accessing Milk's characters across the various performances we've been lucky enough to have from her. And I really liked her in the early stages. I liked how she played the absolute mess that was her character. The way she was struggling with same-sex attraction and the idea that reciprocity was not something that was accessible to her. That's a very common queer feeling that I think was captured really well. So I really understood Ongsa's early hesitancy when it came to clearing things up with Sun. And I thought that was really well done.

NiNi 

I feel like I always end up with the 'I as well!' But I too am here to praise Milk. I have enjoyed Milk as an actor. She hasn't had a lot to do yet, but with this role, I feel like she nailed it on from minute one, the very first frame that she's in, I a hundred percent believe her. I believe everything about her character. I believe the feelings that her character has. I believe that she believes that she is this awkward loser who's never gonna have friends or anybody. And I also believe when she stops believing that. 

There's some quality to Milk and her acting—maybe it's the ability to go for the cringy without being too worried about how she looks—she nailed on that character. A hundred percent believable from beginning to end, even through some of the wobbles that we're gonna talk about later on in terms of the story. There was never a point in time where I did not believe Milk as Ongsa and that this is how Ongsa would react to these things happening in her life.

00:14:18 23.5: Supporting Characters

NiNi

Let's talk a little bit about some of the other characters. We've got Milk playing Ongsa, and then we've got Love playing Sun. I struggled a little bit with Sun? I think that it was good casting to have Love play Sun, because this idea of this girl who is so sweet and cute and gorgeous, this girl that Ongsa would absolutely fall in love with, I totally bought that from Love. But I feel like the story didn't expect much more of her? I truly enjoyed Love's performance when she was given stuff to do.

Ginny 

Yeah, I agree. There were moments later in the series where we got to see her dig in and give us something more than this very sweet, kind, and pretty love interest character. I was like, “See, she can do it. Why didn't you give her more to do earlier?” It's hard to talk about her performance because they didn't give her very much to do and the writing was pretty shaky on her character, I think. 

View—playing Aylin the cousin—I've always been a huge fan of View's acting. She's never not nailed a role as far as I've seen and she was also a delight in this.

Ciize, I thought was great. Also sadly underused, but where she was, she really shone. Even though she's smaller than everybody else, she is the alpha. She's the class president and the older sister. Very tired and keeping everybody in shape. Enjoyed her role a lot.

I don't have a lot to say about June.

Ben

Oop! [all laugh] 

Ginny

Sorry, June!

Ben 

What do you have to say about June? Well, she was there. [laughs] Damn.

NiNi 

I find June as an actor quite accessible a lot of the time, but in this I wasn't sure what she was supposed to be? I feel like her characterization wasn't clear and because of that I didn't know where to land on her performance. I feel like I enjoyed it, but then also it felt, not wobbly exactly, but more confused.

Ginny 

I think there was a similar issue as with Love's character, Sun, where they were both there to be the love interest for the awkward, weird character, and they weren't given anything else to do except to be sweet and accepting towards the awkward, weird character. That's a shame. I haven't seen June in anything else, so that's why I don't have anything to say about her. 

Ben 

Oh, did you not watch Dangerous Romance?

Ginny 

I did not. 

NiNi 

Stop it right now. 

Ben 

Did you know?

NiNi

Stop it right [laughs] that a windmill—

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

Ginny 

Somehow, I do know that. [laughs]

NiNi 

That's never gonna get old.

Ben 

I will always make time for windmill jokes on this podcast.

[NiNi and Ginny laugh]

NiNi 

June was also in 10 Years Ticket. View and June were together in 10 Years Ticket and that's why I think they were also cast for this, because their characters in 10 Years Ticket were shipped together and I completely understand why. Even though they were not an actual couple in 10 Years Ticket, the energy was there. So I understand how they ended up paired together. So it was very strange that they went from a really solid, I thought, pairing in 10 Years Ticket to something here that felt so, to me in the end, wobbly.

Ginny 

Well, the problem is it was one-sided. Aylin was a great character and Luna, June's character, was just kind of there and they had a weird moment late in the series that kinda soured me on their whole story. But earlier they were very fun and good together. It was just that Luna was kind of just a pleasing backdrop to Aylin's whole situation.

Ben 

I don't think the casting team knows why most of the cast is even in this show. ‘Cause you have a lot of really talented people who are doing the best with the direction that they're being given on the day that they were filming. But just like every one of these episodes, as we'll get into, felt like it was internally fine, but not part of what came before or after it in a really consistent or coherent way, I think Love and June suffer the most for that. 

I think Love's actually really funny and really talented, but I don't think she knew what she was supposed to be doing for most of the show. She felt like she was lost in a lot of her scenes, it just does not feel very grounded. I don't think Love understood Sun, and I don't know that that's necessarily her fault either.

I think June is fine in terms of her ability to work with View but it was kind of a weird set of performances to watch. 

Let me talk bout the rest of these fucking side characters. This show had t4t teacher yuri.

NiNi 

The show had teachers in the school. Two of those teachers are being played by Golf and Godji. And these two teachers are supposed to be having a little side romance. I love a teacher side romance in a school show. However. Dot dot dot.

Ben

It's really frustrating because there was a real opportunity for these two women to sort of model what these younger characters could have. There's the whole hapless quality that Golf's character BamBam has that is probably meant to mirror what Ongsa has kinda going on. But I don't really know that they ever figured out something useful to do with them. It just feels like another beat happening. It doesn't feel like it's in sync with any sort of storytelling that's going on here.

Ginny 

It felt to me like it was just there to be there. There's t4t, yuri, or transbians as my friend likes to say— 

Ben 

TRANSBIANS!

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

NiNi 

I love that! Transbians! That is awesome.

Ginny 

[laughs] It felt like they're saying, “Oh, there's transbians, and that's enough. We don't have to actually make them have, like, a coherent story or more than a few cute moments here and there. I remember distinctly the episode where I realized what was supposed to be happening is this modeling thing. And it was in episode, like, 10 or something. It was so far into the series. But it just didn't come through early enough to have any kind of an impact.

I do like that they gave us those two teachers. I'm glad I would like us to get more transbians. [laughs] But I wish they'd done a better job.

00:21:27 23.5: Frustration with the Writing and Execution

NiNi 

I feel like we're dancing around a little bit like where we think that some of the criticisms of the story are coming from, so let's dive into that. I feel like the beginning of the story, that first arc of Ongsa basically catfishing Sun, I felt like that arc was really strong. Like, I understood what was happening there. And then it gets squishy in the middle once it's obvious to Sun that Ongsa is this person that she's been talking to the whole time that she thought was a guy. 

I feel like once that happens, the show starts getting interested in other things that had nothing to do with what had gone before. It wasn't following on from that first arc. And then somehow at the end they kinda try to dovetail back to that first arc in certain ways while also doing a third arc that doesn't really work? 

It feels disjointed and disconnected. It feels like in each episode they knew what they wanted to accomplish, but the episodes themselves don't link together into a coherent story.

Ginny 

For me, it felt like right up through the reveal that Ongsa was Earth, it felt coherent and I was with it, and at that point, I was feeling like this is a really solid show. And then it felt like they did about four or five episodes that, each one of them belonged to a different story. Each episode was a coherent story in itself, but did not feel very connected to what came before or what came afterward or much of the established characterization. And then at the end they did kind of tie some of the emotional impact of that big deception and reveal in, and Love got to actually do some good acting as Sun talked to Ongsa about her frustrations about how Ongsa kept holding back in this relationship. Which was great, but I was already so spun around like, what ride am I on anymore, because of the four or five filler feeling episodes, that it just really marred the impact.

Ben 

I agree with you there, especially when it comes to Love getting to act later on. I find myself very frustrated with this show's unwillingness to let Sun be mad for more than half an episode. I need, like, a really good boil for a character. I need somebody to be irritated as fuck. I really like when somebody's just fucking pissed about some shit that somebody did. A lot of these shows, I have found from GMMTV, really struggle with that. They're constantly worried about selling ship. So they don't want the characters to be upset with each other for very long. 

But it means that Sun doesn't really feel very human for me. She has such a super delayed reaction to Ongsa's big lie that I was just not exactly feeling her shift. I was just kinda like, okay, I guess. We shoulda done this a couple of weeks ago, but whatever, at least we're sorta getting it now.

I don't, also, understand—why is everyone here? What is the point of AJ's character, Ton? Why is Euro in this if he's not gonna score with one of the twins? Why is Ford here? What was the point of this little gay boy subplot that they put in this? I don't know what they were going for here.

NiNi 

Going back to the Sun thing, I think that the idea they were trying to get across was that Sun was burying a lot of things that then came out in this well of frustration. Part of her character is to be this nice, sweet girl. And nice, sweet girls, they let things go. I feel like that's what they wanted to do with her character, but I don't feel like they wrote her character in that way. The character doesn't feel like a character who is burying things. The character feels like a character who has let things go.

And then with all the other stuff that was happening, because there was so much coming at us. There was this whole idea of Alpha being the big sister and the pressures that that put on her. There was this idea of the teachers feeling pressured to do the best that they could by these students. There was whatever was going on with AJ's character. I have no idea what that was about. And that little runner with AJ's character and Earn's character, Charoen and Ton, I still have no idea what any of that was about.

Ginny 

No idea.

Ben 

I don't like it! That's for damn sure.

[Ginny laughs]

NiNi 

Did not like it. No clue what it was about. AJ, you need to call your agent because they're not doing well by you this year.

There's just all this churn happening in the middle of the story that has nothing to do with what happened before, nothing to do with what's happening after, all is coming out of the blue. But in another show would have really worked, like the Alpha stuff, the big sister stressed out stuff. 

There is a way in which that could have worked, but they didn't really put any emphasis on that sisterly relationship between Ongsa, Aylin, and Alpha and how that might have been altered by the fact that Ongsa and Alpha have been living apart because Ongsa has been living in Phuket with their dad and Alpha has been living in Bangkok with their mom and now the family's back together. What does that look like, now having to take care of your little sister again when you had gotten unaccustomed to doing that? The whole fact that Alyn is their cousin who's living with them. Why is she living with them? What does this mean? How is she integrating into the family? None of that stuff is really touched on. It's a little bit touched on, but not really. It feels like they wanted to tackle Alpha as a character and all these stresses that she feels, but they're not actually showing us the stresses. So it feels like it comes out of nowhere. 

And then everything that happens with Euro's character and Ford's character—just excise that from the show. Why is it even there? Why are they there? Why did they get out of bed and come to set? Somebody explain that to me.

Ben 

Every single week I was like, “Here's how Euro can still win.”

[Ben and Ginny laugh]

Ginny 

To be clear, because this confused me for a while, for Ben, Euro winning is not Euro getting a love interest. Euro winning is Euro being with AJ, specifically.

Ben 

He just needs to kiss one of the twins and I'll be satisfied.

NiNi 

We are big Euro lovers on this podcast. We think he's a great actor who has been overlooked and underutilized and we want to see him win in every way possible. Every way, including getting to kiss whoever he wants—boys, girls, whatever. Let him have it.

Ben 

It always feels like it comes back to ship when it comes to GMMTV. If we wanted to do an Alpha focus episode, we need to open with her as the viewpoint character and narrator for an episode, and focus on Alpha and how she's seeing all of this going on with everything else she's juggling. Alpha is struggling with not being able to understand how to help her sister or her cousin when she can see they're both having big trouble, even as she's trying to make sure they get fed, go to school on time. And she's also trying to get ready for college and she's just freaking the fuck out, like this has the potential to be really good. But it just ends up not feeling that way. 

It doesn't feel like they weren't planning this show it just feels maybe over planned? I'm not really certain. It's a weird experience watching the show and trying to talk about it. You feel like you're being tickled at the back of your head the whole time, trying to follow what the fuck is going on and where this shit is building to.

Ginny 

It feels like they had a really powerful brainstorming phase and then did not carry on to the pruning and organizing. They were like, yeah, and Ciize’s character is gonna have this stress arc, and the teachers are gonna have a romance, and Euro’s gonna have a romance, and AJ is gonna be there.

NiNi

I'm just so mad at you saying AJ's gonna be there. Like, there’s nothing else going on with AJ. He’s just gonna be present. 

Ginny 

You cannot deny that he was there. He was in this show.

NiNi 

He was very there. He was present.

Ben

It very much feels like there were some really powerful single statements they put on the board. Somebody wrote, like, “Big boys need love, too.” And everybody was like, “Hell yeah!” And then they didn't know what to do with it. [Ben laughs]

Ginny 

Right, exactly! It's frustrating!

Ben 

That is the adjective for this show. Frustrating.

NiNi 

I feel like this show had some really clear-eyed ideas at the start, though, and that's the thing that really stresses me out about it. At the start, I feel like they're connecting Mawin's feelings of not feeling good enough and isolation to Ongsa's feelings of not feeling good enough. I feel like that was where they wanted to go with it, but in the end they don't actually go anywhere with it. And I feel like they thought that they were making that parallel all the way to the end with that one and I just didn't see it. There's just so much that the show feels like it really thought it was nailing, like all the Aylin stuff. 

I really enjoyed that idea of Aylin feeling alienated from everybody and not because necessarily of any lack of love or anything from them, just feeling like she doesn't understand them and she needs them to work to be more understood by her rather than her necessarily having to do certain kinds of work to be more understood by them. That give and take. I feel like the show had that idea in the beginning, but then by the end, Luna is pushing Alyin to be more social. And I'm like, but I thought that we understood at the beginning when you were on the rooftop telling her you're not a human, you're a moon, that you understood what needed to happen here. But now you're pushing her to be more social? Like, why? It didn't feel like it connected.

Ginny 

That frustrated me a lot about them because I was really loving what they were doing with Aylin and that kind of acceptance between her and Luna. There's a way to do a, “Now let me help you do some of the social things that you felt unable to do. Let me work with you.” But they simply did not frame it so that it felt like something Aylin wanted. So it comes off just feeling like Luna says, “Well, now we're a couple, so I'm gonna make you be normal.” That's what that sequence felt like to me and that's the thing that soured me on their story. I really hated that.

Ben 

I think my favorite Aylin moment was her taking her own advice and then sending the little letter to Luna.

NiNi 

I liked any moment where it felt like Aylin had a revelation by watching somebody else or the way that other people were interacting doing something, whether or not she agreed with it, and then internalizing that and deciding how she would tackle something like that and then doing it. I like to watch that thought process work with Aylin. But I think at some point, Aylin went from somebody that the narrative was trying to understand to somebody that the narrative was trying to change. And I did not like that.

I love View, I think View is a phenomenal actress. Towards the end of the story, to me, it felt a little bit like she had checked out from the character.

00:33:42 23.5: Final Arc and Ratings

Ben 

I think that's the show. There were a lot of ideas that we were like, hey, this is a good idea. Ope, and it's gone.

NiNi 

We didn't even talk about the final arc with Sun going abroad. The final arc of this show did not connect to anything else, and it tried to tell me things about Sun as a character that had not been laid out in any way before. I feel like they tried to give Love something to do, but they also didn't really trust her with it. And I don't know why, because Love is a good actress. The bits that we see from her where they actually give her something to do in the show, she really nails it on. So why don't they trust her? 

The show just. it's kind of messy, that's not to say that I did not enjoy a great deal of it. The first major arc, maybe up to episode six or seven I feel like that is pretty solid.

Ben 

An evergreen comment about Thai BL.

[Ben and Ginny laugh]

NiNi

Not just Thai BL lately, boo boo. It feels like all of it. We've had some of these problems in Japan lately, too. And I think we've been talking about Korea in this way, as well. Instead of just writing the story from beginning to end, I feel like these writers are getting very excited and trying to do a lot and trying to be like, “Ooh, what can we do that's new and interesting?” How about you just write the story from beginning to the end? That would be fantastic. Thailand is, yes, guilty, but it's been a consistent critique that we've been having across shows, across countries this year. 

All of that said, let's rate this. Ginny, let's start with you. What did you rate 23.5?

Ginny 

I gave it a 7.5. There were some things that I really did like a lot, so I didn't wanna take it too low, but it just really failed to cohere into a good overall show.

NiNi 

Ben?

Ben 

Before I give my rating. Normally when I'm giving you all ratings it's on the scale of, is this worth your time to watch? I will say politically, you should stream 23.5. It is very important that the juice makers know that we want GL. You don't have to watch it. You should stream it. This is not the show that I wanted, but we do need to support this one. 

That being said, I gave the show a 6.5. I don't think this show is genuinely worth putting a shit ton of engagement into. This is not an experience I will be returning to. I don't think the show was very good. The positive things we felt on the front end about how well Milk captured young queer disaster, these are the good things to take with you. But please, please do better.

NiNi 

I slot in right between the two of you. I gave the show a 7. I do think the front end of this was really good. I liked all of the performances, even the ones that I felt that weren't entirely up there, that was more a function of the writing not being there to support what the actor or actress could do. I enjoyed Milk as Ongsa so much, all the way from beginning to end. All that together for me adds up to a 7. It's good enough, but I have some serious reservations about some of the writing.

So, I think that makes me as the person in the middle the actual score for 23.5. So it gets a 7 from The Conversation by the law of averages. It is worth your time from the standpoint of being the first GMMTV GL. It's worth your time from the standpoint of just watching Milk kill this character. Just be aware that the writing falls apart right after the midpoint.

Ben 

It may be GMMTV's first GL, but let's be clear, it's not GMMTV's first lesbians.

GMMTV has had lesbians since they started fucking around with gay people. There were lesbians in SOTUS. There were lesbians in Friendzone and Friendzone: Dangerous Area.

NiNi 

There were lesbians in Dangerous Romance, technically.

Ben 

Wait, what? Were there?

NiNI

We just talked about this!

Ben

Oh man, I blocked that out. [Ginny laughs] I forgot about the teacher plot! Because I was distracted about the knowledge that a windmill—

[all laugh]

NiNi 

And, moving on.

00:38:42 Only Boo

NiNi 

Alright, let's move on to the next show that we're gonna talk about, which is Only Boo. 

Ben, what is Only Boo about?

Ben 

How a gay boy inside of the bubble must remain trapped there, else he'd be forced to face the realities of the cruel homophobic world we live in.

Only Boo is a high school BL from GMMTV about a plucky kid whose mom is a member of the entertainment industry, who has huge aspirations of becoming an idol. He wants to become an idol so bad that he's bailing on classes and exams so he can go to auditions and his mom has had enough of that little kid's shit. So she sends his ass to the countryside to the school she went to so he can get his shit together and graduate from high school. Once he gets there, the very first thing this boy does is spend 500 goddamn dollars on a bike and has no fucking money and gets a—

[Ginny laughs]

NiNi 

I just knew that you were going up—that you were gonna go there in the very beginning. [all laugh] It is actually an important plot point, people, but it is still ridiculous.

Ben 

He has no money and basically gets adopted by the son of the restaurant near his hotel, who also serves food at their school. He's having a little bit of difficulty adjusting but ends up being very fond of the son of the restaurant owner and eventually befriends two other boys who also want to become idols. He is an incredibly fun character to watch, his name is Moo. He's clearly never once thought that people might not like him for being queer and is just so unabashedly joyous about what he loves in his life. He spends the bulk of the first two thirds of the show pursuing Kang, the boy who is helping him, before transitioning to Bangkok to become an idol. 

Complications ensue! Book is there. 

[all laugh]

NiNi 

All right, Ben let me come to you first with this one. What were some of your initial thoughts coming into this show?

Ben 

I gotta be honest, I had, like, my similar reaction to My School President on the front end. [laughs] I was like, I don't know who these boys are and I don't care. No new friends. [Ginny and NiNi laugh] It took me a while to warm up to Keen and Sea and that's not their fault. I'm just older and struggle with new actors. 

But I actually ended up really liking Moo a lot really early. It was interesting watching, like, a modern queer kid. Modern queer youth is really fascinating to me. I've talked about this before, like nobody teaches queer people their history. They have to go find other queer people who teach them their history. And so you end up with this thing a lot where a lot of the baby gays, they know fucking nothing. And Moo is a good example of that in a lot of ways. And it feels like his family has sheltered him because they probably clocked who he was really early and they don't want to talk about that sort of stuff with him. So he feels no shame about being queer. He feels no, like, maybe I should dial it back because people don't like or understand that shit. He's like, nah, I like that boy. And I know he liked me, too! 

I really enjoyed that. I enjoyed the performances with the sides ‘cause they got—what's his name—they paired him with Aun. 

NiNi 

Ashi?

Ben

Yeah. He's pretty solid. I actually like him. And I really thought he did a good job with gay yearning in the early parts of this show. I had a good time. I really also like the teachers in this. I was a teacher for about four years. And I thought that the way they presented the educators in the show was really well done. They were not cool at all, but they were really committed to their jobs. And they treated these kids with stern respect. They weren't like up these kids' asses all the time about unnecessary shit. But Moo was a half step away from being a delinquent for most of the show. And they were very big on applying foot to ass for that boy to make sure he got his shit together. 

I really enjoyed a lot of the early parts of the show. I thought the baseline cast chemistry across the board was really solid. I thought the actors worked really well together in almost every scene—whether I thought those scenes were the right call from a writing standpoint is another thing, but everybody seemed to understand why they were there

NiNi 

Ginny, how about you?

Ginny 

I don't like fluff in general, I won't seek it out. So I went into this one like, well, we'll see how I feel. Because it was clearly a very cute, fluffy kind of premise and cutesy high energy vibe. And I ended up so charmed by especially Keen's performance as Moo, but really both of them together, Sea and Keen, worked really well together and were written really nicely. 

We noted that it's the same writing team as Cooking Crush had. It did feel similar to Cooking Crush that we've started getting a little bit more sincerity and kindness from characters in how they have their kind of awkward first encounters and back and forth where they're trying to figure out, “Do I like you, do you like me, how do we navigate that?” There was so much sweetness and honesty in how they each approached each other and, like, genuine decency that I found really refreshing. So I was so charmed by this show, beyond my expectations, and really very into it for two thirds of its run.

NiNi 

I love Moo so much as a character. I was not planning on watching this show. As with a lot of the shows that I've ended up watching lately, I have had to eat my words. I started watching it sort of on a whim. I didn't have anything else to do, and by the end of the first episode I was entirely charmed by Moo.

He's just so alive as a character. Keen plays him really, really well. That sense of, not Devil May Care exactly, but boundless optimism. There is no indication anywhere in his affect that he has ever heard the word no despite the fact that he hears it all the time. [laughs] And I find that truly delightful. I find characters who are able to get a no, keep it moving and be like, “I am going to turn this no into a yes, but you don't know that yet.” I like that kind of energy and optimism, particularly in a character who is so young, because that's the kind of character who should have that energy and optimism. The kind of character who hasn't had their heart broken before.

I enjoyed Moo and Kang and how the attraction, the interest was instantaneous and mutual. Because one of the things that I was scared of going into this show was that it would be all about Moo being pushy and harassing Kang, but it was clear from the very beginning that whatever was going on here was entirely a hundred percent mutual and they were both very into what was happening.

I enjoyed Aun and Ashi as Payos and Potae despite me having major reservations about their storyline, but we'll get into that. I enjoyed the first, two thirds of this show immensely. Everything that happened with the high school story. And when I say enjoyed, not just from a standpoint of delight, but enjoyed from the standpoint of this writing makes sense. And these characters make sense and everything that is happening here makes sense. And then, it stopped making sense but before we get there…

Is there a before we get there? What else are we talking about before we get to the turn?

Ginny 

We've given Milk a lot of love and I do want to give her a bit more because she was also in this as a side character playing a completely different person from Ongsa, and also was just so fun to watch in every scene. Give Milk more work. I wanna see her in everything.

Ben 

I will give Milk a compliment as a backhand to the other people. [Ginny laughs] I understand why Milk was here. Why was everyone else?

NiNi (50:46)

Oh my god. [laughs] I also liked Milk as Neth. I enjoyed her characterization. I liked the kind of friend that Neth was to Kang. I enjoyed everything about her right up until a weird thing that happened in the last episode. I think she was delightful. 

Ben 

I'll say this about the Neth character. Neth is always timed well for whenever Kang's caution makes him back off of Moo, and she's very good about making him confront his own feelings so that he can take a step forward. She's used extremely well for that so that the development of the boys’ romance never feels stilted

00:48:06 Only Boo: Popping the Bubble

NiNi 

I guess now it's time to flip the script. Ginny, what did you not like here? How did the trajectory of the show go for you?

Ginny 

So around episode 9, we switch from high school to where Moo is starting to get to live his idol dreams. And Kang has overcome some of his own stuckness that he was in before Moo showed up to go to art school in Bangkok. Very exciting.

Then… they made so many choices around the idol storyline. You know that there's gonna be an issue of him being an idol and dating. That's gotta be part of it with a show like this and with the story set up like this. And I was excited to see that. And every choice they made made me less and less excited. I was feeling real shaky by the end of episode 10. Episode 11, I thought was abysmal, I hated everything they did. And episode 12 was like, now I understand what you were trying to do, but you did it so badly. The final arc simply collapsed on itself.

NiNi 

Some of the seeds of the final arc were sown early on, particularly the Shone character. That character from the very beginning just did not sit right, but the final arc actively offended me. The whole idol arc for me, it was not the wave. They should not have done it. And the reason that they should not have done it is that they weren't intending to do anything meaningful with it. 

There are so many ways that you can do an idol story. It's not even that there had to be any one way that the story went. Idols and relationships, there are so many ways to do that story. The way that they chose was quite possibly the most offensive to me, first of all because it didn't make any sense, and then secondly in the end because it didn't matter and it didn't have anything to say about the idol system at all.

It happened. Moo was sad for a year. And then he got back together with Kang and he went and he said, “I don't wanna sign this stupid no dating anybody contract anymore.” And they just went, “Okay.” What was the point of the last four episodes if it was gonna be this easy? One thing I don't like is you spend a lot of narrative and thematic time on something that in the end is solved easily.

Ben, I know you've been holding back.

Ben 

This show is the end of my ability to tolerate bubble shows from GMMTV. I have an appreciation for the bubble, because I grew up in queer cinema. A lot of queer creators are dealing with a lot of grief and a lot of pain, and this comes through in a lot of the art. And so, this fictional space where homophobia is not an issue and boys can just moon after each other and everyone giggles and tee-hees until they get together can be a nice emotional break from that reality. But the problem I'm having with the GMMTV shows at this point is they are not just staying in the bubble. They keep alluding to the real world where homophobia is a real problem and then intentionally not dealing with that.

This thing they did in the show where Moo doesn't even know, like, the word gay exists or whatever, but Kang feels like he's had to deal with some internalized homophobia. But no he hasn't, his mom's totally cool. But then why is he like this? There was this interesting bit with Kang when they moved to Bangkok, where they're gonna be sharing an apartment together and Moo wanted to be intimate with him, and you could feel like Kang wanted to be intimate with him too, but was shy or nervous about it and didn't want to proceed with it. When you've been in the closet for a long time, actually doing something with someone is awkward and kind of nerve wracking, particularly when they're so confident the way Moo is. And I don't feel like we ever really got any resolution on that. And it feels like the show was only having him be shy because they wanted to time certain things out. 

That's one of the many gay frustrations I have with this show, where there's this interesting thing that feels very gay that the show then does absolutely nothing with, or tells us we were wrong about. Like, I sensed early on that some of Kang's reticence about being queer may have come from his mom. Apparently I misread that, whatever. It also bugs me that they won't tell Moo, like, you can't be an out idol, bro. But then fangirls are shipping Louis's character, Jang, with Pyos later on. Like, you can't have shipping culture and then not address where queer people slot into that. 

The very worst gay offense that this show created was having Moo bond with Payos, particularly over clocking Payos's crush on Potae, and then later on, for whatever reason, Moo decides to make Potae his confidant when he has to go into the closet, and not Payos. I don't understand how Payos, being the first other queer he bonded with that he wasn't trying to fuck, is not the person that he trusts with something important. And this was particularly hurtful for me, because Moo lets Payos think that he's gotten over Kang and has broken up with him after this huge “I'm gonna be with this man” arc. Like how lonely must have Payos felt at that moment? He was already struggling with his feelings that he might never get to be with Potae and then Moo, the strongest gay he knows, is like, I guess I gotta get over Kang, ‘cause you know, we gotta make that paper, bro. It is what it is.

I'm just so disappointed in that. And then there's the whole shit with Shone. Why make your cousin's boyfriend break up with him and then hit on your cousin's boyfriend that you made break up with him that you know he still loves? I was so disgusted with those last two things that it has forever soured the show for me.

NiNi 

The Shone stuff for me was particularly heinous. I am an elder sibling and I'm also a big cousin. To betray that big cousin trust, I couldn't fathom doing that to any of my little cousins.

I felt like Shone had no rights at that point. It's one thing when he initially develops this crush on Kang. He didn't know. Fine. Once you know, how do you do that? To me that breaks all the codes, you just don't do that, that's not a thing that you do. It's wicked, it's cruel, it's mean, absolutely unacceptable. And that was where the show really truly offended me.

The Potae and Payos stuff, Payos somehow going from being Moo's confidant to being on the outside while Potae gets to be on the inside, that didn't sit right with me, but the Shone stuff was really just egregious. I could not stomach it.

Ben 

And they made Moo apologize to him. I will never forgive them for that. I will never forgive them for making Moo apologize.

Ginny 

What the fuck was that with Shone? They had this moment earlier where I thought, okay, this is how we're resolving this. We're leading up to a big issue, but then we're gonna have them settle it by being kind and decent to each other and this cousin loyalty thing. Well, it's a little weird that you felt the need to do that at all, but okay, I like where we landed on this. And then they just have him so fully backstab. 

Purely from a narrative construction perspective, what we said we all love about Moo is he's so confident and so sure that, kind of, the world can't touch him. He's gonna get what he wants, and he makes it work and he makes it charming. He's very lovable in this kind of bullheaded determination mixed with sunny optimism. There were ways to then have him have a rude awakening that would have made sense in the story. Instead, what they did was they have, like, three people talk to Kang behind his back, and guilt trip the kid into breaking up with his boyfriend, And then do the no contact one year time skip, because God forbid we ever do anything different. 

If you want to give me an idol story and talk to me about the problems of idols dating, what if you have them actually deal with any of those challenges? I would not have minded if the story was leading to the company saying, “You know what, this is a bad outdated rule for XYZ reasons. We've seen this”. I wouldn't have even minded if it took them a year to get there. That's fine. But the way they did it was just much too easy, no conflict. Moo was just like, “I'm gonna talk to them.” And then he talked to them and it turned out they were already going to do the right thing. And I'm like, why? Make it interesting. Give me a story about that. Don't just do weird convoluted chasing and pining and this cousin backstabbing situation for an episode and a half. It didn't work on any level.

00:58:42 Only Boo: If You're Gonna Do An Idol Story, Commit

Ben 

This is the umpteenth GMMTV show where the poor kid has to upend their whole life for the benefit of the rich kid. And I'm over it. Kang must suffer so that Moo can succeed at being an idol. This is a very weird, specific thematic beat that this company's shows always go to. And I really, truly do not like it.

NiNi 

That was part of the issue, but the thing that really stuck out for me is that this is GMMTV that did this show. GMMTV is an idol house. That's what they are. Let's just be real. They create idols, they teach them to act and sing and dance and they put them out there in concerts and they sell fan meetings and they sell merch. They are an idol house. And what this show feels like, is that they did not want to catch any blowback from being an idol house. They were in a unique position as an idol house to have something, anything to say about this system. Whether they were trying to defend the system, whether they wanted to upend the system, whether they wanted to make a statement of any kind about the system that they participate in.

And they did none of those things. They gave some wishy-washy idea of, yes, we know that this is maybe probably bad, but we don't do this. It feels so disingenuous. It feels like they are trying to be like, oh, don't look over here. I'm not saying that they needed to take a moralistic position on this. I'm just saying that they needed to take a position, period. They could have taken a cynical position on this. They could have been like, this is where the money is. They could have taken an apologetic position on this, they could have taken so many different directions on a story like this depending on what it is that they wanted to say. And I might have been pissed with some of those directions but I, in the end would have been like, okay that's their position.

Ginny 

I will give, like, half a thimble full of credit for the end line being, “Oh yeah, this idols can't date rule is bullshit and we should get rid of it.” I was gonna feel even madder if it ended with Moo ending his contract because you can't be an idol and be in love and the story being fine with that.

At least they gave a momentary lip service to the, yeah, we don't do that. The other half of my half a thimble full of credit is that we have seen one of their BL actors go very public with a girlfriend and it seems like he was supported by the company in that. So, okay, presumably a little bit of their money is where the tiniest whisper of their mouth is, I guess. But yes, they should have said something. They're in the position to really tell a story about this. They should have said something. If they're gonna do this. they should have done it.

Ben 

Bestie, I respect your ability to give them half of a thimble of credit, I will be giving them nothing because they made the show. They put this in front of us. They're the ones who spent the whole fuckin’ show making us question whether or not Moo as he is could be an idol. I'm not giving them credit.

NiNi 

I feel like I slot in somewhere in the middle. More maybe towards the side of being pissed and it really comes down to the whole Payos story. After the one year time skip he's being shipped with Jang. At the end of the story there's a Potae/Payos ship that they're talking about. And at no point is there any indication that Moo is suffering because this is not quote unquote allowed but somehow whatever is going on with the Payos stuff, we're gonna lean into that. For me, if you make a statement on that, then yes, I give you the credit, but you just put it there and you don't say anything about it. 

Television as a medium exists at the nexus of art and commerce. Television doesn't exist without commerce. It's not like film, where people do it for the love. Television doesn't get put out if there's no money in it. Let's just be real about what TV is. The fact that this show is so mealy-mouthed about saying that, about accepting that that is where it sits. I just don't like it. The art commerce thing for me, I sit with it, I'm usually fine. I can usually look at a show and be like, okay, I can see where they did this for the love and where they did this for the money.

It's why I don't have a whole bunch of trouble with the branded pairing thing. My trouble with the branded pairing thing is always when it doesn't align with what the show is trying to do. But the whole act of casting branded pairs in things, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And I prefer to look at the branded pair thing, as, okay, well, in which way did this pair work for this set of rules and in which way did it not? As opposed to being pissed at the branded pair thing, because that's just, the price of the ride. 

But this one, it just bugged me, man. I felt like if you're gonna be so self-referential about the industry that you are in, that you have to make some kind of statement on it [laughs] one way or another. This show just didn't, and I didn't like that.

01:05:06 Only Boo: Final Thoughts and Ratings

Ben 

As I said in the Japan episode, telling stories about queer experiences in a respectful way is non-negotiable for me in a genre profiting off of people's titillation about seeing boys kiss each other. I don't think that's an unreasonable position to hold. So, as much as I love Moo as a character, and as much as I liked all of the bits we got to talk about early on in this show, this show fails as a queer narrative in a way that is unsettling, often annoying, and in some ways kinda harmful. And I can't pretend like that's okay.

NiNi

Let's rate. Ginny, what are we rating Only Boo?

Ginny 

Oh, I think I'm coming in a lot higher than you two, probably. I did really like the first two thirds and I think I was not as offended by the end. So I gave it a 7.

NiNi 

Ben, how about you?

Ben 

One of the downsides of me having basically a bad time with global BL since Cooking Crush and Cherry Magic Thailand ended, is I'm now starting to weight endings higher. This is not fun. It is making the ability to watch these shows week to week with other people unfun. The shows start fun and we're like, hell yeah, this is a fun show. And then by around episode eight or nine, we're in various stages of grief [NiNi laughs] and they don't finish strong. We don't get to feel triumphant at the end. We don't get to lift that fish out of the stream and be like, we got dinner tonight, boys! And I'm over pretending that the idea of the show is better than the reality of the show. 

As a result, Only Boo gets a 5.

NiNi 

I am, I think once again, splitting the difference. Because I did have a good time for the first eight episodes of this show. I was offended by the last two. A bad ending can ruin a show for me. It does not always, but it can ruin a show for me.

But throughout the entire show from end to end, I have to say, that throughline of Moo and Kang and their relationship. I just believed them so much. Even when the show is crashing down around them, they are somehow holding together that love story, and making me believe in it.

I want to give it a 6 but I think I'm going to end up at a 6.5 just for that. Moo and Kang and the Moo and Kang love story and Sea and Keen as Moo and Kang are so good.

So what does that leave us? 5, 6.5, 7, what does that one go to? Like a 6.25. I don't know. What is maths? 

Ginny 

We can call it a 6.

NiNi

I'm a whole engineer and I can't do maths.

Ben 

We can call it a 6. I'm calling producer privilege. This show pissed me off for gay reasons and I'm not gonna pretend that the romance makes up for pissing me off for gay reasons.

NiNi

Okay, it's a 6 from The Conversation.

01:08:45 Outro: High School Blues

NiNi 

I wanna talk a little bit about these two shows just from the sense of both of them as high school shows, but also in the sense of them being shows that started out well and did pretty well through maybe half to two thirds of their run and then faltered at the end. When it comes to high school shows, as we have indicated before, we don't actually get as many of them as we think from Thailand.

Ginny

For me, the high school of it all is not the core of either show's problem. That's sort of incidental to just not having a clear understanding of the story it was telling. Did some very charming work with some very charming actors and scenes, but simply got lost at some point along the way.

NiNi 

My overall thinking about these two shows and where they landed for me is I don't know what Thailand wanted to say about high school in these shows or if they wanted to say anything about high school or if high school is just an incidental setting for these shows. What do they want to say about people on the cusp of growing up? What is it they want to say about the high school experience? I feel like that's not something that either of these shows was particularly interested in. Maybe to some extent more 23.5 was interested in it than Only Boo.

Ginny 

23.5 was a high school show and I think one of the big ideas that they wrote on the board was some stuff about high school social dynamics that they occasionally highlighted and then completely forgot about for episodes at a time.

Ben 

The big problem both of these shows have is they don't understand that the crux of a high school show is about growing up, and about how you can't go backwards anymore. The kids have to recognize that properly for the first time. I think both shows are trying to get there, but I think in almost every case, they get lost in the shipping of it all and not in the story that they need to tell. 

Almost all of these characters have broken arcs about growing up. Their energy is not focused on the proper culmination of the individual character arcs. They're focused exclusively on the romance arcs, and they believe that the resolution of these romance arcs is a good substitute for the resolution of their individual arcs. And it really frustrates me watching both of these shows not really landing on a good place about what it means to grow up. Which is for me, what is at the core of high school stories. Let's go back to The Breakfast Club and start over.

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

NiNi 

Not The Breakfast Club!

Ben 

I do not feel positively about either of these shows and I'm not righteous about it. I am disappointed and really frustrated. This is not a great place to be with the genre.

I don't know what's going on, everybody. I think we all need to take a good six month sabbatical. Let's have a beach episode as a whole genre, go plant some trees [NiNi laughs] and go to the beach and hang out for a bit and then come back and work on some stuff. We all need a break. It feels like people are stretched really thin. I don't know what's going on, but this is feeling like a global issue at this point. The initial ideas are good, but the execution is not. And then it ends on a flat note or an unsatisfying note.

I am a critic. Talking about stuff with people is more than half of the fun. Watching the show alone by myself is not the bulk of my enjoyment with a piece of media. My real fun with a piece of media is when I finish something and I'm gonna go annoy the nearest person to me. It's like, “Hey, it's time for you to watch something.” [NiNi laughs] That's what's fun for me.

These shows are not giving me that outlet. I don't get to share that with people who aren't BL fanatics like us. Sharing art with people is how I connect to people. And I can't share most of our shows [laughs] with normies because they're like, “This is bad. Why did you show this to me?”

NiNi 

See, that's the difference between you and me. I gave up on the normies a long time ago.

Ben 

I really want the people who watch Young Royals and Heartstopper to connect with BL. So when they finish those shows, be like, what else is there? I'm like, we got the list, girl. It's right here! But like, that list is not growing this year! We need fresh content for the list!

NiNi 

I mean, there is quite a backlog, so I feel like, if they need to take a break, I will understand. 

Ben 

They should take a break. It is summer. Everybody go to a beach. Get some sun.Go have an encounter with a hot stranger. Get your mind right, and then come back. 

We gotta take a break ‘cause this is not working. I haven't been this grumpy since 2018.

NiNi

You are grumpy right now, bestie. 

Ben 

It's not good! We can split hairs and talk about what these shows did good or bad, but in the end, are we saying people should go out and watch these shows earnestly? No. Okay.

NiNi 

We gotta wrap this up. So, that is going to do it for us on the GMMTV School Days episode. We out. Say bye to the people, Ginny.

Ginny

Bye!

NiNi

Say bye to the people, Ben.

Ben 

Peace!

[rurpleplaysmuttingtonac]

Over the next few years, as Michael grew up, Sophie and Jordan continued their plans to sail the world, bringing their son along so he could see the world for himself.

When they returned to Muttington after his second birthday, Sophie learnt that she was pregnant once again.

Upon telling Jordan, he smiled with delight and pulled her close.

"We've all come so far on this journey" he mused.

She nodded "We all have. I mean, we were all eight strangers who didn't know each other and now look at us. Most of us have either got married and had children as well."

"Do you think Fleur can give Nigel a robot baby?" Jordan joked.

She playfully smacked his shoulder "Jord!"

"Well, they married, didn't they? Whose to say they can't have a baby?"

"Nigel draws the line there. Why else do you think he said that Ezra would inherit his house and fortune?"

Jordan shook his head in disbelief "The kid is four years old!"

"And Nigel isn't dying anytime soon" Sophie said with a grin at his antics. "Besides, even if something happened to him, Fleur, Romulus and Kirstie are joint trustees until Ezra is old enough, and then would restrict how and when he uses that money."

"Also hard to believe that even Lucy had a kid, although less surprising that it was with Ricky. I always wondered if they'd had a thing going on when back in the Manor" Jordan mused as he wound his hands around his wife's waist, sliding his finger around the edge of her jumper to feel her soft skin of her waist. Conscious that their son was on the floor next to them, she gave him a look of combined "I'd love to, but the baby is right there."

"Lucy's defiantly come a long way" she said instead. "She's less strained and more inclined to laugh at herself now, and admit past mistakes. Both she Martin get on well, and their kids are getting along too. They go to the same school now."

"Have Ben and Bea given up on having more kids?"

"Yes, Bea doesn't want to risk it, not after what nearly happened when she had Eleanor and Henry. She'd rather preserve her life for the sake of them and Benedict."

"I remember how we couldn't stand Benedict when we all moved in" Jordan mused. "He was the person effectively holding us together, in that damn manor."

"And he's the one whose kept us together, to keep us from breaking apart, despite two of his number dying during that time" Sophie reasoned.

Jordan winched at the reminder of his wife's death and pulled her to him securely.

"No, I'm glad of how far we've come" Sophie decided. "And I think we're all the better for it. The lessons we learnt, the struggles we've been through and the rewards at the end of it."

"I agree babe, totally agree."

And that *drum roll* is the end of this "little" series! 😇

Just to recap, here are the characters in their happily ever after endings:

Benedict married Beatrice (on the second wedding attempt!) and had three children with her. Their children (oldest to youngest) are Oliver, Eleanor and Henry. Beatrice has topped the Law career after she was saved from death by Benedict. Due to her almost death when giving birth to the twins, they've made arrangements so Benedict cannot get Beatrice pregnant, and so has she, just in case.

Nigel married his robot creation Fleur. They do not have any offspring of their own (science hasn't got that far yet!) but he has declared Romulus and Kirstie's son Ezra (and any later children) his heirs to his estate and fortune. Fleur is always updating her knowledge of the world around her and is very literate and far better at expressing her emotions and making her own choices in life now. Other than the robot appearance, you wouldn't realise she was a robot.

Sophie married Jordan (after she died and came back to life) and they live on his houseboat. They have one son called Michael and she's pregnant with another baby. Sophie is professional art appraiser and is a celebrated artist in her own right. Jordan works from his ship as a computer programmer.

Ricky (died and then came back to life and now) is with Lucy. They had a son, Daniel. They're not fussed on marrying but are devoted to each other and their son. Lucy has lightened up and isn't so serious. She regrets her phase when she was sleeping around with various men but understand she cannot undo her past. They are both at the top of their respective careers.

Martin married Mattie (after his disastrous relationship with Lucy fell apart) and they have twins but are now trying to have more, both desiring a large family. Mattie was once sacked a chef but has since gone back to top her respective career after becoming a mother. Martin is at the top of the Education career. Their two twins are called Peter and Paige.

Abigail (Benedict's sister) has moved into her own house downtown and is currently dating a townie called Liam. She's progressing in her career but not at the top yet. She and Beatrice get on very well as she now appreciates her own attitude was piss poor. She is now seeing a therapist every week.

Romulus married Kirstie (who got over her crush on Benedict) and they have a previously mentioned son called Ezra. Kirstie has just fallen pregnant again but none of this lot know it yet. Romulus is a teacher at the school that Martin is the headteacher of, which is also the school where most of the kids in the series go to. None of them get bullied thanks to knowing that the big bodybuilder teacher used to be in the army. Kirsite works part time and doesn't desire the tedium of politics like she once did.

Gary is still Nigel's butler and happy to keep serving in the household and is the sign of a (sometimes boring but) stable person to have around. Some people don't cause a lot of drama and you need a breather from it at times.

I didn't initially think it was going to take this long to write it all out, but seeing as I've had a mini hiatus the past two months (and then did a mega session to draft/write up the last 60 posts!) I don't think I've done too badly! Also, the first story I've actually ever finished, which is also a milestone for my writing career. I only hope that I can have the same pride when I look back at Campbell Quay...whenever I get back to writing that series!😂⏱ But the main aim was to complete this one so that when I do get bored of playing Skyrim, I can devote all my energy and creativity towards that.

Thank you to everyone who has read along and continues to like the story. 😘🥰 Thank you for your loyalty and feedback, it means a lot to me.😇📝

As previously mentioned, I am currently playing Skyrim and roleplaying with a new follower mod. If you want to see my screenshot story then I am posting them back on my main blog and you can read that from the start here.