#THE GAYS STAY LOSING :SOB:

[bbydoll18xx]

How Do I Get to Heaven?

'Without changing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?'

Paige Bueckers x reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Themes: angst, slurs, religious trauma, HAPPY ENDING i promise

A/N: hiii so this one is super angsty and sad. I've been going through a rough time, and this is my way of coping. I kinda touched on these subjects in 'She's Such a Good Girl' part 2, and this is similar. I was obsessed with 'Heaven' by Troye Sivan when I was like 15-16 and the lyrics hit a little too hard. If you're gay and were raised in a religious household, I suggest taking a listen.

~

“He’s a fuckin’ faggot!”

“Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

“Those kinds of people are going straight to hell.”

Your face remained neutral. It had to. But you had years of practice, and while you were internally sobbing at the bigoted remarks, there was nothing you could do to stop it. So you stayed quiet, and you maintained your usual look of disinterest. 

Running up the stairs, you finally make it into the safehaven of your bedroom. You shut the door quietly, trying to avoid seeming as if anything is wrong or out of the ordinary. Nothing could possibly be wrong. You were the perfect child; straight As, never in trouble, and you always were eager to help out around the house. But you were harboring a dirty little secret that threatened to rip you from the grips of being the golden girl of your family. 

Sobs wracked your body as you slid onto the carpeted floor of your room. What had started off as an innocent dinner had turned into a nightmare. Slurs were thrown around casually, and unbeknownst to your family, you were the unidentified target. Your sexuality was the reason you had become an empty shell of a person, riddled with fear of accidentally outting yourself. And the anxieties you felt were bubbling up, threatening to ruin the perfect image of yourself that you had crafted for your loved ones. 

This wasn’t the first time. And it surely would not be the last. 

Your family had always claimed to love you. Your childhood was a happy one, but you feared the truth would break everyone. And even if they found out and still claimed to love you, you knew they would always see you differently. Gone would be the girl they knew, and their eager touts would be replaced with hushed whispers. You’d forever be known as “the gay one.” And you fucking resented that.

So here you sat on the floor, trying to quiet your sobs as you mourned the loss of the life you once knew and the people who would eventually turn their backs to you. 

Summer was ending, and soon you would be fleeing back to college, where your guard could be let down just enough to show the world a glimpse of who you really were and who you really wanted to love. 

There was just one girl who you wanted to love you back.

Paige Bueckers was your best friend. And she was so very gay. 

Since meeting her at the beginning of freshman year, she had pulled you out of a darkness that had resided in you since you had realized your feelings towards girls. It did not take long for you to fall madly, head-over-heels in love with her, but you had vowed to ignore it. 

Even if there was any hope of reciprocated feelings, you knew deep down that being in love with a girl would mean having to come out to your family. And you were just not ready for that. You weren’t sure if you would ever be ready for that. 

The thought terrified you. You knew you were willingly inhibiting a possibility of incredible happiness and love, but because it was at the risk of losing your loved ones, you were shutting it all out. 

‘Fuck. I really need therapy,’ you think miserably. 

That was the understatement of the century.

~

The new school year starts, and Uconn’s campus is ablaze with excited students and the possibilities of what is to come. You are finally starting to feel like yourself again, and the second your parents leave your apartment, you don a t-shirt plastered with Diana Taurasi’s face on it. 

You could finally get your gay card back.

A loud knock rings through the empty apartment, and before you could get to the door to answer it, Paige is peeking her head through it, a huge grin covering her face. 

She wastes no time barreling through the room, sweeping you up in a hug and spinning you around. Your feet leave the ground, causing your stomach to flip, and your legs automatically wrap around her waist for leverage. 

“Someone missed me,” you giggle, feeling breathless from being back in Paige’s tight embrace. You had been dreaming of this since you last saw her, back in July. 

“Course I did,” she chuckles, voice muffled against your hair. “You glad to be back?”

You groan. “Fuck, yeah I am. Lookin’ forward to not hearing some slurs for a bit,” you say, fist-pumping the air with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “And I’m especially looking forward to not having to listen to Fox fuckin’ News,” you add, pretending to gag.

Paige’s eyes rake over you, and she pouts, already knowing how your family could be. She had listened to your endless rants and your pathetic cries for the past three years. 

“I think you should just move in with me after this year ends. That way you don’t have to put up with that shit. Then we can be together after graduation,” she says earnestly. 

This was not the first time she had proposed this idea. And while you were internally jumping at the idea, the fear of how it would look to your family made you shy away. Paige wasn’t exactly the most straight-looking girl. Living with her would make things complicated. Your covert feelings had no place in a situation like that. 

You sigh. “I’ll think about it, P,” you promise, linking your pinky with hers, as you always did. 

~

Christmas break quickly rolls around, and Paige’s words are still playing in the back of your mind. Your feelings for her had grown, as if that was even possible, and having to leave her and the safety and warmth that came with her, was agonizing. 

Sitting against the hard back of the pew in your family’s Catholic church, you look around, thinking about how these people would be okay with you burning in hell forevermore. The familiar feeling of shame creeps back into your chest, the flames licking at your wounds. 

You wanted to run and hide. You wanted Paige. 

The Christmas activities persist, and amongst the holiday cheer and piles of gifts, uncomfortable conversations emerge, and you shrink back to your room, desperate for respite.

You felt so fucking abandoned. This was supposed to be a time to enjoy with your family, and instead you were hiding.

There was one person, though, you knew would not abandon you, and that was Paige. Her presence was enough to lessen the sting of the inevitable rejection of your family, and in that moment, it was enough. 

Pulling out your phone, you dial her number, longing to hear her voice, all the way from Montana. Christmas break could not end quickly enough. 

Paige’s smiling face is soon on your phone screen, but it falls as soon as she sees the tears falling down your cheeks and your wobbling bottom lip.

“Oh, baby, what happened?” She asks in a hushed whisper, voice full of anger and concern. 

“They hate me,” you cry. “They fucking hate me, and they don’t even know it yet.”

Paige sighs, trying to find the right words. While she had always had acceptance from those around her, she knew how difficult it was for you to be at home, and she desperately wished to take away your anguish. 

“I love you,” she stresses. “And I know that doesnt fix your family treating you like shit, but soon you’ll be back and everything won’t seem as shitty, I promise.” 

You nod, wiping at your eyes with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. 

She loved you. And you knew that. But you wanted her to love you in the way you loved her. For now, you would take what you could get.

“Just a few more days,” she assures, and you feel the tiniest bit better.

Just a few more days. 

~

The start of the new year always engenders change, and you had promised yourself as the clock chimed to signify it was midnight that this would be the year you would hike up your big girl panties and figure out your shit with Paige. Your senior year had to slow down, and Paige’s proposal had been in the back of your mind since August. 

If you could get over your stupid crush on her, things would be all good and dandy, but your efforts to eradicate her place in your heart were futile. You had mused it over nearly a million times. Maybe you’d eventually get over her, and maybe she would have some bizarre habit that would inevitably give you the ick, ridding you of all romantic feelings toward her. 

You could only hope. 

You pump yourself up on the way over to Paige’s apartment, encouraging words forming on your lips, leaving a trail of fog from your warm breath against the cold air. 

You knock on her door, cheeks pink from the frigid temperatures of Connecticut in January, grateful that it hides your blush. Paige opens the door, eyes wide and hopeful. She always looked so damn alluring. 

Your words leave your mouth before your chary mind could overtake you. “I want to move in with you after school ends. I can’t go back to living like that.”

Paige’s features twist into a smile, and she pulls you in for a hug. “Gonna take such good care of you,” she whispers, and you believe her. Your arms wrap around her middle, anchoring you to the floor. 

“I should probably tell you, though,” she trails, her voice getting smaller as she takes a deep breath. 

You look up at her, confusedly. “Tell me what?”

“I love you. And not just like as a friend. So if you don’t want to live with me because of that, I get it,” she mumbles, eyes trained on the floor.

Your breath quickens at the realization. Paige loved you. And the thought of being a colossal disappointment to your family and potentially cast out did not seem to matter as much anymore. Because here was someone who loved every part of you and accepted the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

The look of shock swiftly morphs into one of unbridled euphoria, and without another thought, you pull Paige in for a kiss. It was filled with the pure longing and want of years of uncontrollable urges and repressed thoughts, and it nearly made all the shittiness worth it.

Pulling away, Paige links her pinky with yours again, just as she had back in August. It was an unspoken promise of love. And while you knew the journey would be inexorably difficult, Paige was worth it in the end. 

~

dang that was rough lol but thanks for reading as always:) I really hope this wasn't too triggering or anything for anyone. This has been such a nice outlet for my pain and anger, as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I am here for everyone who can relate. My inbox is open if you guys ever want/need to talk

xoxo katy

[starlight-lesbians]

lesbian dinah and lesbian greaseball is so important to me, and so is their relationship development

in my heart GB was Dinah’s gay awakening a lil bit and I end up writing that into a lot of my fics and aus because I think it’s adorable

Like Dinah’s maybe dated a couple guys, she wasn’t that interested in them. Then GB rolls into the station one day and she’s beside herself internally. She’s never felt like this about anyone before and it’s so intense.

GB knows she’s gay, her sexuality might be the one thing she’s really genuinely secure in, so she’s a little unsure of getting with someone just figuring themselves out like Dinah is.

They give it a shot though, and they’re like two puzzle pieces finally slotting together. Sure they have their moments, but they love each other deeply and they work it out.

To me what occurs in canon is like, super out of the ordinary for their relationship, and of course this is my headcanon. Dinah consistently seems shocked by Greaseball’s rejections of her affection, implying that doesn’t usually happen.

I think both of them are very insecure, and derive their security from different things. GB’s security comes from her champion status. She believes that if she isn’t the champion, she will lose everything, Dinah included. Dinah’s security comes from her relationship, why is why she absolutely crashes out when left in the dust. Her support and security has left her.

They both have to find their strength and security in other things before they can fully heal, because before there wasn’t a threat pulling them apart.

Dinah finds support in Belle and Tassita, and later, security in herself. She exerts her own autonomy in deciding she doesn’t want to race with Electra anymore, she decides she is going to forgive Greaseball, and that’s because she finally trusts herself.

Greaseball on the other hand, has to learn that she can rely on others. Her champion title is lost, but Dinah stays by her side, forgives her, and loves her anyway, and that allows her to find a new source of security. She is enough, without all of the glamour of being a champion.

anyway i sob over them every day of the week i teared up writing this SHHHH

[neurodivergent-gaypossum]

I lied. Put your clothes back on. We’re psychoanalyzing byler from both Mike and Will’s POV. First off, Will. I am SOBBING. Okay so, starting from the beginning of the series, we already know Lonnie as well as others gave him a hard time for seeming gay, and it’s my headcanon that around s1 he developed a tiny crush on Mike. Fast forward to season 2 I think he realizes that he has a crush on Mike, and he continues to lean into his protectiveness, seeking safety IN MIKE. this is especially noticed when he repeatedly calls out for Mike during an episode on Halloween. And with the SAME HAND that Mike grabbed, Will managed to snap out of possession enough to tap out “close gate” in Morse code, BECAUSE OF MIKE!! Anyways, summer of 1885, everyone has girlfriends, except for Will. Will has to watch as Mike is seemingly all over El. MIKE. The LOVE OF HIS LIFE. And he can’t say anything, because he doesn’t want Mike to judge him for being gay, so he has to just stand there and let his heart get shattered. And then Mike tells him that it’s not his fault he doesn’t like girls!!! Which, one, it is, and two, that must have literally broken Will in more ways that we couldn’t see. Now Will has to be not only convinced that he’s straight, but also convinced that he can never tell him how he feels because Mike will be disgusted by him. HELLO?? And then he has to move to CALIFORNIA and Mike never even *CALLS* But El has a whole MOUNTAIN of letters, and then Mike not only IGNORES Will on his birthday, but fights with him on his birthday

Anyways moving over to Mike in season one, I think he also had a tiny crush at this point, but imagine losing not only your best friend, but the guy you like and then seeing his BODY at a lake omg?? And that broke him so much that he just biked home and hug his mom while crying, and his face just looks so done. And then like the next day he jumps off a CLIFF?? The same spot WILL DIED AT?? IM SOBBING. And did you see how HAPPY HE LOOKED WHEN WILL WOKE UP? that was pure joy. Anywaysss fast forward to season 2, he’s literally protecting him from not only bullies, but a literal DEMON. He’s the only one that realizes something is wrong with him, he’s the only one to check on him when he’s not at school, he slept next to his bed in case he needed anything, he stayed by his side the entire time in an uncomfortable ass hospital chair to be there for them, he was literally the sweetest person ever, but then El comes back, and then they start dating, and then he realizes he can’t do that stuff anymore, because that’s too close. That’s pushing the line. And he has to be on the “right” side of the line, the straight side, because he can’t like boys like that. And since he can’t like boys like that, he projects that onto Will, and is an asshole to him, but then he goes to far and his entire act melts when sees that look in Will’s eyes, and immediately bikes after him in POURING RAIN, and then when Will moves he bikes home with that same exact “I’m done. I’m so lost” look on his face in season 1, and he tries to call Will all the time but the line is always busy, and now he’s having a hard time saying he loves El, and now it’s spring break and he gets to see both of them again, but he has to hang out with El more because Will is making him feel things he’s never felt before, and he’s confused and he can’t be confused and he has to love El because he has the perfect life and he needs to keep all this up and he can’t like boys, he just can’t

I’ll see myself out now, I swear to god I’m mentally stable

[playboysaleen]

Through Ash and Iron (8)

Jinx x Reader x Caitlyn

Summary: Through Ash and Iron plunges you into the heart of Piltover’s gritty streets, where you’ve always felt the weight of your family’s failures. Rejected from the Junior Enforcer Program, your anger burns brighter than ever—until one fateful punch changes everything. The eyes of Piltover’s elite may look down on you, but it’s the wild eyes of Jinx that truly see you. She’s chaos personified, and you’re drawn to the destruction she promises. But that’s not all. Caitlyn Kiramman, a poised enforcer with a soft spot for rebels like you, offers you a chance to rewrite your future—if you can control the rage you can’t seem to escape.Torn between the order Caitlyn represents and the dangerous freedom Jinx offers, you stand at the crossroads of two worlds. As your power grows, so does the tension between these two women. One promises a chance at belonging, while the other ignites a fire you didn’t know you had. But the choices you make will change everything—not just for you, but for both cities teetering on the edge of war. Who will you choose? And how much of yourself will you lose along the way?

Warnings: Violence duh, gay panic(lol), cursing, all that jazz (whatever you seen in Arcane is what you gon see here)This is also a slight AU.(She/her)

Word Count: 4.8k

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   Jinx’s tools clattered to the ground as she took a shaky step forward. “No… no, you don’t get to leave!” she shouted, her voice breaking. She grabbed at her hair, tugging it violently, her usual manic energy replaced with raw, unfiltered despair. “You promised! You said you’d stay! You’re not allowed to leave me!”

Caitlyn fell to her knees, her composure completely shattering. She pressed a hand against her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs that escaped anyway. “No… not like this. Not like this…” Her eyes, red and glistening, locked onto your lifeless form.

Heimerdinger shook his head gravely, his tiny frame trembling. “This… this was not supposed to happen. The Arcane energy… it—it must’ve been too much. I—”

Ekko staggered back, staring at his hands as though they had committed the gravest sin. “I was trying to save her… I—” His voice cracked, and he turned away, unable to look at what he had done.

       Jinx stood frozen, staring at your lifeless body. Her trembling hands reached for you, but she hesitated. Her lips quivered as her voice came out as a broken whisper. “You’re still here… right? Tell me you’re still here.” Her hand finally cupped your cheek, only to feel the coldness of your skin. Tears spilled freely down her face as she collapsed against your chest. “You’re supposed to save me, dummy… How am I supposed to—” Her words dissolved into incoherent sobs.

Caitlyn, shaking, crawled toward you. Her hand brushed against yours, her fingers curling around it tightly. “Please… come back,” she whispered. “You’ve fought through everything—don’t let this be the end.”

The monitors began to shift, erratic data flashing across the screen. Heimerdinger stepped forward, his large eyes narrowing. “Wait… something’s happening.” His tiny paw hovered over the console.

The Arcane stimulant began to pulse within you. The faintest glow ignited in your chest, spreading outward in faint threads of light. It wasn’t your gray, nor the feral purple—it was something else entirely.

Ekko straightened. “Is… is it working?”

Jinx pulled back, her tear-streaked face watching with desperate hope. Caitlyn held your hand tighter, leaning closer as if her presence could guide you back.

You opened your eyes, but there was no world around you. No ground beneath your feet, no horizon, no stars, no sky—just an endless void stretching infinitely in all directions. It wasn’t dark, nor was it light. It was an absence. The nothingness pressed against you like an unseen weight, heavy and disorienting.

You tried to speak, but your voice was swallowed by the void, your words dissipating into silence before they could form. A creeping unease settled in your chest. Were you… dead?

You looked down at yourself. Your body felt strange, foreign. It wasn’t physical, yet you could feel its shape. Your chest burned faintly with a golden glow, threads of light rippling outward like veins of molten energy, pulsating softly.

“Hello?” you called out, though it sounded less like your voice and more like a thought spilling out. There was no answer. Nothing. You took a tentative step forward, and though there was no ground, you moved.

Then you saw him.

A figure emerged from the abyss, his presence as sharp and striking as a blade cutting through the void. Viktor. His silhouette was lean, his form almost frail, yet there was an undeniable strength in the way he carried himself. His cane clicked softly against nothingness, echoing louder than it should have in the oppressive silence.

He stepped closer, his face illuminated by the faint glow of your chest. The lines of his gaunt features were as you remembered—angular, weary, but with a kind of brilliance that burned beneath his sunken eyes. His mechanical leg whirred softly with each step, the faint blue glow of Hextech circuitry tracing intricate patterns along the limb. His cane was a masterpiece of precision and design, gleaming with the same blue light.

When his amber eyes finally met yours, they seemed to cut through you, like they could see everything—your thoughts, your fears, your very soul.

“Lost, are we?” he asked, his voice calm, measured. There was a hint of amusement, but it was tempered with something deeper—curiosity, maybe even pity.

“Who are you?” you asked, your voice trembling slightly.

His lips twitched into a faint smile. “Who I am is of little importance. It is who you are that interests me.”

He stepped closer, his eyes never leaving you as they traced the golden glow emanating from your chest. His gaze flickered over you, and you could feel him peeling back layers of you with every passing second.

“You’ve been wandering through this story like a stray thread in a tapestry,” he said, his tone clinical yet strangely intimate. “Weaving yourself through the lives of others, pulling them together, unravelling yourself in the process. Fascinating.”

“I… I don’t understand,” you murmured, your voice shaky. “What’s happening? Why am I here?”

Viktor tilted his head, his expression thoughtful. “You have always been torn between two worlds, haven’t you? Piltover and Zaun. Light and shadow. Chaos and control. Even love—” His gaze sharpened as he continued. “You tether yourself to two anchors, yet you let the storm within you rage on. Jinx and Caitlyn. Opposing forces, yet both essential to you. You carry their marks like scars, unwilling to let go.”

His words hit like a blow to your chest. He was right. Every word.

“You think you’ve been the hero in this story,” he continued, his voice softening. “The savior. But you’ve been a mirror all along, haven’t you? Reflecting the best and worst of those around you. You push them to change, to grow, even as you lose pieces of yourself in the process. Admirable… but unsustainable.”

Viktor’s gaze dropped to the golden glow in your chest, his eyes narrowing with an almost predatory intensity. “And now look at you. A vessel for something greater than you can comprehend. It burns in you, doesn’t it? The Arcane. It calls to you.”

He reached out, his long, elegant fingers stopping just short of the glow. “Do you feel it? The weight of its importance? You are not merely a person. You are a key.”

“A key to what?” you demanded, fear creeping into your voice.

Viktor chuckled softly, a dry, humorless sound. “Ah, that is the question, isn’t it? To open doors, or to close them? That is for you to decide.”

As Viktor’s words sank in, flashes of memory began to ripple through the void. Faces, voices, moments.

You saw Jinx’s wild grin, the way her eyes softened when she looked at you. The way her hand trembled when she grabbed your face earlier, grounding you like no one else could.

You saw Caitlyn’s calm determination, the way she held your hand even as her world fell apart around her. The way she whispered promises to stay, no matter how broken you were.

And then you saw others—Ekko, Isha, even Sevika. The faces of people who had carved themselves into your soul.

“You care for them,” Viktor said, his voice cutting through the torrent of memories. “Deeply. They are your compass, your home. But you…” He gestured to the glow in your chest. “You are so much more. To them. To this world. To the Arcane itself.”

Tears stung your eyes as you whispered, “I don’t want to lose them.”

Viktor’s expression softened, a rare moment of humanity breaking through his analytical exterior. “Then hold onto them. They are your strength.”

Viktor turned, his cane clicking as he began to walk into the abyss. The void seemed to ripple and shift around him, shadows folding into themselves as he moved.

“Wait!” you called out, desperation rising in your chest. “Where are you going?”

He paused, glancing back at you with a small, enigmatic smile. “Come,” he said, his voice low and inviting. “We have so much to work on.”

And then, without another word, he disappeared into the darkness, leaving you with a choice—and a faint thread of hope.

The laboratory was still. Heimerdinger stood over your body, his small frame illuminated by the soft glow of the monitors surrounding him. His furry brows furrowed deeply as he scanned the readings, his normally bright demeanor dulled by an overwhelming sense of solemnity.

Jinx sat slumped against the wall, her knees drawn to her chest, staring blankly at the floor. The usual chaos in her eyes had dimmed, replaced with an uncharacteristic stillness. Caitlyn was standing by the far end of the room, one hand clutched over her mouth, the other gripping the edge of a table so tightly her knuckles had turned white. Ekko paced back and forth, his movements erratic, barely able to look at you for more than a few seconds before averting his gaze. Even Sevika stood frozen, leaning against the wall, uncharacteristically quiet.

Heimerdinger finally sighed, the weight of his years evident in the heaviness of the sound. He turned to face them all, his ears drooping as he shook his head. “They’re gone.”

The words shattered the room like glass.

“No…” Jinx’s voice was barely a whisper at first, but it grew louder, more desperate. “No, no, no!” She slammed her fists into the floor, her voice breaking as tears streamed down her face. “You’re lying! You don’t know what you’re talking about, you old furball! They can’t be gone!”

Caitlyn’s knees buckled, and she caught herself on the table, her breaths coming in shallow gasps as tears spilled over her cheeks. She turned away from the group, biting her lip so hard it nearly drew blood, but the sobs racking her body betrayed her.

Ekko stopped pacing, his hands trembling as he buried his face in them, muttering under his breath. “This isn’t right… it’s not supposed to end like this. They don’t deserve this.”

Sevika clenched her jaw, her mechanical arm twitching as she gripped the hilt of her blade. “Damn it,” she muttered, her voice thick with emotion. She turned away, trying to mask the tears glistening in her eye, but it was no use.

Heimerdinger, visibly shaken by the grief surrounding him, turned back to the monitors for a final glance. He didn’t want to believe it either. His ancient hands tapped at the keys, adjusting the parameters, searching for anything—anything.

And then, something caught his eye.

A flicker. Barely perceptible, but it was there. A faint, irregular blip on the monitor. Heimerdinger’s ears perked up, his eyes widening as he leaned closer. The blip grew steadier, stronger, and then it formed into a weak but distinct rhythm.

The monitor showed a heartbeat.

Heimerdinger turned back to the group, his voice trembling with urgency. “Wait! Everyone, come here! Quickly!”

Jinx scrambled to her feet, nearly tripping over herself as she ran to the monitor. Caitlyn pushed herself upright, wiping at her tears as she hurried over. Ekko and Sevika followed, their expressions shifting from despair to disbelief.

“What is it?” Caitlyn asked, her voice cracking.

Heimerdinger pointed at the screen. “It’s faint, but they’re still here. Their heartbeat—it’s weak, but it’s there!”

Jinx gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as she stared at the screen. “They’re alive? They’re alive?!” Her voice broke into 

a hysterical laugh, tears still streaming down her face. “I told you! I told you they weren’t gone!”

Caitlyn let out a shaky breath, her hand clutching her chest as relief washed over her. She closed her eyes, tears still falling, but this time they were tears of hope. “Thank the heavens…” she whispered.

Ekko exhaled sharply, his hands dropping to his sides as a wry smile tugged at his lips. “You scared the hell out of us, you stubborn idiot,” he muttered under his breath.

Sevika snorted, though her voice wavered. “They’ve got a hell of a survival instinct, I’ll give ‘em that.”

Jinx moved to your side, her hands trembling as she hovered them over your face, afraid to touch you but desperate to feel your warmth. “Hey… hey, you’re still with us, right?” she whispered, her voice soft and uncharacteristically tender. “Don’t you dare leave me, okay? I can’t… I won’t lose you.”

Caitlyn stepped closer, her hand finding yours as she gripped it tightly. “We’re here,” she said softly, her voice steady despite the tears streaking her face. “We’re not going anywhere. Stay with us.”

Heimerdinger glanced between the two women, his expression a mix of awe and contemplation. “It’s remarkable,” he murmured, almost to himself. “Even in such a weakened state, their body responds to you both. Your presence anchors them. Perhaps…”

He paused, his brilliant mind already working through possibilities, before nodding decisively. “Perhaps love truly is the strongest medicine.”

The abyss stretched endlessly around you, its emptiness so profound it felt like it could swallow you whole. Viktor’s voice was your only tether to reality, calm and deliberate, yet laced with a tone that carried a weight of inevitability.

“You are the key,” he repeated, his words echoing like a chant in the void.

“The key to what?” you demanded, frustration edging your tone as you trailed him. Each step felt weightless, as though you were walking on air, yet the path Viktor followed was clear and unwavering.

He didn’t answer directly. Instead, his head tilted slightly, and a small, almost wistful smile crossed his face. “Even keys do not know the doors they will unlock.”

As you followed him, the nothingness began to shift. First came faint glimmers, soft and golden, like sunlight breaking through clouds. Then the darkness gave way to vibrant hues—blues, purples, and greens swirling together, forming an ethereal landscape.

It was breathtaking.

You found yourself standing amidst crystalline formations that pulsed faintly with life, their surfaces reflecting galaxies within. Above, the sky was a tapestry of endless colors, each shimmering as though alive. The ground beneath you glowed faintly, translucent and soft, humming with energy.

“What… is this?” you whispered, awe evident in your voice.

“My sanctuary,” Viktor replied simply, his tone calm yet reverent. His cane clicked softly against the crystalline floor as he walked, his movements fluid despite the wear of his body. “A fragment of what the Arcane can create when it flows freely—without greed, without ambition. Pure and uncorrupted.”

You stood frozen, trying to take it all in, but Viktor turned to face you, his amber eyes piercing as they met yours. “This is what lies within you. This, and so much more.”

“I don’t understand,” you said, your voice shaky. “You keep saying I’m a key, that I’m important. But why? What am I supposed to do?”

Viktor chuckled softly, a sound that was both amused and resigned. “If you survive this—if you truly unlock what lies within—you will not just wield shimmer’s strength. You will command the Arcane itself.”

His words hung in the air, their weight settling heavily on your shoulders. “Why me?” you asked, the question a quiet plea.

He approached you slowly, his gaze unreadable, until he stood directly before you. His eyes swept over your form before resting on your chest, where the faint golden glow pulsed steadily. He raised a thin, scarred hand and gently tapped the spot, his touch cold and deliberate.

The moment his fingers met your skin, your vision exploded with light.

You gasped as the sanctuary vanished, replaced by scenes that moved faster than you could comprehend. You saw yourself standing tall, a radiant figure cloaked in glowing energy. Around you, Piltover and the Undercity were no longer at war; they were united, thriving. Bridges no longer bore scars of destruction but connected two flourishing cities.

You saw yourself healing others—wounds mended with a touch, despair replaced with hope. Children laughed, families embraced, and the air was filled with joy.

Viktor’s voice narrated softly, almost as though he were reading a story from a book. “You will bring balance where none has existed. Heal where there has only been harm. Unite where there has only been division.”

The images shifted, showing Caitlyn and Jinx. Their faces were vivid, filled with admiration and love as they stood by your side. Caitlyn’s hand brushed yours, her gaze steady and full of trust. Jinx leaned against your shoulder, her wild grin tempered by a rare sense of peace.

“They are your anchors,” Viktor murmured. “Through them, you are grounded. Through you, they will find purpose.”

The visions faded, and you were once again standing in Viktor’s sanctuary. Your chest ached, the golden glow brighter now, pulsing with a rhythm that felt alive. Viktor was watching you intently, his expression unreadable.

You met his gaze, your breaths coming in shallow gasps as the enormity of what you’d seen settled over you. “Is that… what I’m meant to do?” you asked, your voice trembling.

“Not meant,” Viktor corrected. “Capable. What you do with this power will be yours to decide.” He stepped back into the shadows, his figure becoming harder to discern. “Come. We have so much to work on.”

You hesitated, the weight of the visions still pressing down on you, but then you straightened, resolve hardening in your chest. “I’m ready.”

Viktor paused, his head tilting as though he were smiling. “We shall see.”

The laboratory was a quiet sanctuary, filled with the hum of machines and the occasional soft shuffle of Ekko’s footsteps. Your body lay still, suspended in a fragile equilibrium between life and something else entirely. Wires and glowing tubes extended from the machines into your skin, pulsing faintly with energy. The golden hue in your chest would occasionally flicker, a subtle reminder of the Arcane’s persistent work within you.

Heimerdinger would often check the monitors, his furrowed brows and quiet muttering betraying his frustration. “Let the Arcane do its work,” he repeated like a mantra, though his tone carried doubt as if even he couldn’t comprehend the forces now governing your existence.

Ekko, on the other hand, was a constant presence. He moved between the monitors and your bedside, his expression oscillating between hope and guilt. He blamed himself for the stimulator—he’d acted in desperation. Now, all he could do was watch, his vibrant energy tempered by quiet prayers whispered under his breath.

Jinx had taken to the undercity with a vengeance, stepping into the role you left behind. Her manic energy was now focused, her weapons and inventions a means to protect the people who whispered your name in reverence. “They think you’re dead,” Sevika had said one day, her tone rough but her words deliberate. “But you’re not. Not while I’ve got anything to say about it.”

Jinx hadn’t responded, but her actions spoke volumes. She made sure the undercity thrived, even striking uneasy truces where necessary. The most unexpected of these alliances was with Caitlyn Kiramman.

Caitlyn, now Commander of Piltover, was navigating uncharted waters. Negotiating peace with the undercity had seemed impossible months ago, but with you absent, it became a shared goal between her and Jinx. Neither admitted it aloud, but both carried the weight of your absence like a heavy chain. And while their meetings were filled with tension, there was an unspoken understanding between them: they both loved you, and that love was enough to forge a fragile bond.

Jinx came often, though she never stayed long. She didn’t like Ekko seeing her vulnerable, and Heimerdinger’s endless observations annoyed her. But in the quiet moments when it was just you and her, she would sit by your side, her mismatched eyes scanning your face as though willing you to wake.

She’d hold your hand, her thumb brushing over your knuckles. Sometimes, she’d lean forward and press a kiss to your lips, the gesture tender but filled with frustration. “Wake up, you idiot,” she whispered once, her voice cracking. “I’ve got a whole city to run, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing without you.”

One day, Isha arrived, her small frame slipping silently into the lab. She didn’t say a word—she never did—but her wide, expressive eyes took in every detail of your still form. She climbed onto the bed, sitting cross-legged beside you, her little hands carefully smoothing out the blanket over your chest. Then, she pulled out a bundle of papers, her latest drawings.

There you were, crudely sketched in crayon, standing tall with her and Jinx at your sides. Another drawing showed you holding her hand as she smiled brightly. Isha placed the pictures carefully by your bedside, her lips pressed into a tight line as if willing you to notice her effort.

Caitlyn’s visits were different. They came late at night, long after the lab had emptied. She would arrive still in her Commander’s uniform, exhaustion clinging to her like a second skin. She sat beside you, her fingers running absentmindedly through your hair as she whispered about her day.

“I met with Jinx again today,” she murmured during one visit. “She’s… difficult. But I see what you see in her. She loves you in her own way. I suppose I can’t fault her for that.”

Sometimes, when her words failed her, she would just sit in silence, her hand resting on yours. The cool steel of her gloves felt stark against your warmth, a reminder of the distance between you even as she stayed close.

On rare nights, when the weight of her emotions became too much, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead. It was always brief, always gentle, as though she feared waking you. “I’ll be back soon,” she whispered once, her voice trembling. “You’ll wake up, and I’ll be here. I promise.”

The people who loved you waited in their own ways. Jinx fought for you, her love a wildfire that burned through every obstacle. Caitlyn mourned you, her love a quiet, steady beacon guiding her actions. And in the silence of the lab, surrounded by wires and machines, they all clung to hope.

It was Ekko who noticed first. A faint blip on the monitor, so faint he thought it was a glitch. But when he leaned closer, he saw it: a single, weak heartbeat.

“Guys,” he called out, his voice breaking the stillness. “Guys! She’s—she’s alive!”

Hope ignited like wildfire. Jinx froze in her tracks as the words sank in, while Caitlyn dropped the stack of reports she’d been reviewing. They all crowded around you, their faces a mix of disbelief and cautious optimism.

The golden glow in your chest flickered stronger, as if responding to their presence. Slowly, painfully, the pieces of you were starting to come back together.

The quiet in the lab was palpable, heavy with anticipation and unspoken fear. Everyone stood in the soft, dim light, their eyes fixed on you as you slowly stirred, the machines around you clicking and whirring in a steady rhythm. The golden glow in your chest had dulled but still pulsed faintly, an anchor to the reality of your existence.

You blinked, your gaze shifting around the room, taking in the familiar faces. There was no anger or ferocity in your expression anymore. No explosive energy. Instead, you were calm, almost serene, your features softening as you met their eyes. You looked different—not as the untamed force you once were, but as something gentler. Something with purpose.

Jinx was the first to step forward, her eyes wide and full of relief. The wild energy that typically radiated off of her had dimmed, replaced by a quiet awe as she watched you. Without a word, she moved toward you, her arms reaching for you instinctively. And you didn’t hesitate.

You stood, your body moving slowly but with certainty, and wrapped her in an embrace. The world seemed to fade away as you pulled her close, feeling the weight of the time that had passed between you two.

Jinx’s breath hitched as you pressed a kiss against her lips, soft and lingering, a kiss that spoke of the love and longing you had kept hidden, now spilling out like a dam breaking. She melted into you, her arms clinging tighter, as if she feared this moment would slip away.

You pulled back reluctantly, your gaze softening as you looked down at Isha, who had quietly moved to your side. You reached out and pulled her into a gentle hug, your arms wrapping around her small frame. The softness of her hair against your cheek grounded you, her silent presence speaking volumes.

When you finally released Isha, your attention shifted. You felt Caitlyn’s eyes on you from the edge of the room, her gaze filled with an intensity you hadn’t seen before. Slowly, you walked toward her, each step deliberate and filled with a newfound tranquility. You could feel her nervousness, the way she held herself back as if unsure of what to expect from you now. But you didn’t hesitate.

You wrapped your arms around Caitlyn in a quiet embrace, feeling her stiffen for just a moment before she melted into you, her warmth soothing against your skin. You pressed your cheek against her hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her. Then, in the silence between you, you whispered softly in her ear.

“I heard everything… I always have.”

The words lingered in the air, and you felt her body stiffen momentarily, her breath catching in her throat. Your heart ached at the raw emotion you could hear in her silence. You didn’t wait for her to speak. Instead, you pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead—your first true, intimate gesture towards her.

Caitlyn’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, and when she looked at you, there was a quiet tenderness in her gaze. She didn’t say anything, but the way she held you tightly, as if she never wanted to let go, was enough.

You pulled away, your eyes moving over to Sevika. The larger woman, who had been observing the scene quietly from the corner, gave you a sharp nod, but there was a softness in her eyes. She knew, perhaps better than anyone, what it had taken to get to this moment.

You nodded back, the connection between you two unspoken but understood. There was still so much unhealed, but the tension had shifted, if only slightly.

Your gaze shifted then, looking toward the machines that had once been connected to your body. The sight of the wires and monitors, the lifeless forms of the machines that had kept you tethered to this world of science and experimentation, didn’t stir the anger it once might have. Instead, it seemed distant.

It wasn’t the machinery that you cared about anymore. No, your focus now turned to the workbench where Ekko had been working tirelessly on the Hextech prototype.

A feeling of curiosity bubbled within you, the pull toward the device undeniable. Without a word, you walked across the room, the soft clicking of your shoes against the floor the only sound as the others watched you in a strange mix of hope and wariness.

The moment you reached the workbench, the energy in the room shifted. Everyone’s gaze snapped to you as your hand reached out and hovered over the device, its small form pulsing with a soft blue glow.

Without hesitation, you seized it, your fingers wrapping around the metal surface. A bright white light exploded from your body, your eyes lighting up with a ferocity that sent chills down everyone’s spine. Your pulse quickened, the glow within you building in intensity, and before anyone could react, the Hextech device disintegrated into ash in your grasp, crumbling to dust in the blink of an eye.

Everyone froze, their faces a mixture of awe and fear. But you simply stood there, your eyes still glowing bright white as you slowly turned toward them.

“Peace,” you spoke, your voice rich with both confidence and calm, “will not come from chains or control. It is born from understanding… and from destruction.”

The room held its breath as you gazed out at the faces before you, your expression enigmatic, as though you were seeing a future far beyond the present. Your eyes flickered with the faintest hint of a smile, but there was something darker behind it—an understanding of what it would take to mend the broken world you had come from.

“Shimmer, Arcane, machines—everything in its time will break and rebuild,” you continued, your words like riddles but dripping with a truth only you seemed to know. “This world has been divided by too many walls, but soon… there will be no walls at all.”

As you spoke, there was a certainty in your tone, and your eyes glowed even brighter, if that was possible. You weren’t just someone who had come back from the dead. You were something else now—a force. A conduit of change.

And as you stood there, speaking in riddles, it was clear: nothing would be the same again.

__________________

Let me cook, i aint forget about the dish-

[ghostlycod]

ghost and johnny “I swear to God I’m not gay” mactavish

MDNI ; NSFW

cw: lowkey kinda coercive and dubcon but not reallyyyyyy (ok yes kinda really)

this is not proofread like at all lol

————————————————————————

it’s been three weeks in this dilapidated house, half of it a rubble of concrete, and they haven’t gotten any new orders ever since “stay put and wait for evac” and without orders they can’t leave and it’s been months on this deploy, in the fucking desert, and that new assistant price has got back at the office was driving him mad just before they left and—

and ghost is there. it’s just the two of them together and it’s like one minute soap is easing that fever that’s been burning underneath his skin by talking to ghost about how bad he wants to fuck price’s new assistant and then the next he somehow finds himself with ghost’s fist wrapped around his cock, pumping soap furiously as his precum and ghost’s spit mingle together on his length. the sound is so wet and filthy and loud in the quiet hovel they’ve made into a base. it turns his ears bright red with how utterly debauched the sounds are, how completely wrecked it’s making him, and to make the embarrassment even worse it’s his lieutenant that’s doing this to him—

“I swear ‘m not gay or anything, I’m not-“ he chokes back a sob as ghost flicks his wrist on the next upstroke. “stop it, stop it,” he’s whining desperately, yet his hips thrust back into ghost’s firm hands and soap finds his own hands bunching on ghost’s massive biceps, squeezing them and pulling him closer, noses almost touching as they both huff the same air.

“‘course you’re not.” ghost shushes him. “you just keep talkin’ ‘bout that pretty bird you wanna fuck when we get back.”

and he does, he does wanna fuck the pretty bird as soon as he gets back. pull her into the nearest supply closet or bathroom and stuff her full until she creams on his cock— only every time he thinks about his stupid cock he thinks about how good his lieutenant’s hand feels around it right now and how good the gravel in his voice sounds telling johnny, “there, just like that, that’s a good boy,” and he fucking keens.

“honestly, honestly I swear to god I’m not— stop it, ah, stop it! I’m gonna—“

the bottom of the mask comes up to reveal ghost’s scarred lips as he dips his head down, taking the tip of johnny into his warm, wet mouth.

he cums like an animal, grunting and huffing and clinging to his mate like a lifeline as the searing sensation of ghost’s hot tongue licking his tip hits him in a rush, pushing him over the edge and into pure heaven, out of him own body and floating above himself as he watches ghost suck every drop of his cum from him and swallow.

he floats back down into his body, eyes wild and breathing heavy, still clutching to ghost. he’s pulled the mask back down his face, hiding behind it once more.

“that— that was,” he can’t catch his breath.

“s’alrigh’.” ghost says quietly, rubbing his clean hand against soap’s back as he pulls him in.

“I didnae ask you to do that,” soap mumbles into ghost’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath. “I didnae ask for it. I’m not into that, I’m not.”

“Mhm,” ghost hums as soap huffs into his chest.

whatever you have to tell yourself. ghost thinks. but soap will come around. he knows he will. he’ll resist it now, but he won’t forget how it felt to cum into his mouth, to lose himself just from ghost’s hands. he’ll come back around at some point, begging for more. maybe in the showers when they get back, or in the barracks knocking on his door late at night, or in the gym after they’ve been sparring and ghost has got soap pinned beneath him, perfect for rutting their clothed cocks together until they both cum. yeah, he’ll be back like he’s addicted to it. and then ghost will make him beg for it and gag on it and take it deep. maybe he’ll even take that new, pretty little assistant too. just as a reward for his new pet’s good behavior. he’s seen her, he likes her, he wants her too. she could just become the perfect bait.

[starstruckbyacomet]

Why Are We Losing Buck's Loft NOW?

There's a speculation that Ryan Guzman's contract is under re-negotiation. Thus, his future in 9-1-1 OG is uncertain.

If that's so, why didn't they lease Eddie's house to a stranger? Thus, if Ryan stayed, Eddie could be back to his own house.

Letting Buck's loft go seems permanent, like burning Bathena's house down.

There are several possibilities floating around:

1)) It has been decided that Ryan is leaving the OG show.

Either he will join the Nashville spin-off or will cut ties off with 9-1-1 entirely.

If that's so, why didn't they wait until the end of the season to let Buck's loft go? They could sublet Eddie's house to a stranger until the end of the season before making Buck move into it. Why NOW? Letting the loft go NOW only fuels speculations about Eddie leaving permanently. This could upset Eddie's fans. Logically, the show wants to avoid that.

2)) As a leverage against Ryan in the contract re-negotiation.

Some people think it's a bluff from ABC in the contract negotiation. People in ABC are giving Ryan a signal that he would be let go if he didn't agree with their term.

I doubt it. That move is more likely to have the opposite effect. Since they HAVE let Buck's loft go, Eddie would be Buck's roommate if he returned to LA. It will perpetuate the Buddie stans' delusion that Eddie is gay. Ryan's work to portray a heterosexual man with a bisexual best friend would be undermined. Ryan's insistence that Eddie and himself are both straight (which he has said again and again in multiple interviews, lol) would be futile. If anything, the prospect of Eddie as Buck's roommate would push Ryan further from renewing his contract.

There's another thing that might dampen Ryan's willingness to stay: Tim Minear's apparent insistence to bait the Buddie fans. In ep. 8x05, Eddie's "I am stright" statement is countered with a talk about beard within the same conversation. In ep. 8x09, Buck said, "I didn’t mean to OUT YOU in front of Cap and everyone else." That sentence could be easily replaced with "I didn’t mean to tell everyone that you're leaving," which feels more natural to be said. Regardless what Tim has said in interviews, the baiting game is on, lmfao.

3)) To make Buddie canon.

If you put a pair of Buddie goggles on, you can see how it works: Eddie returns to LA with Christopher -> become Buck's roommate -> feelings realization -> Buddie canon.

Now, put the goggles off and consider these:

Buck's only male partner who has been proven to be liked by A BIG PART of the General Audience is Tommy. If they didn't reunite Bucktommy, it's most probably because they assume that the MAJORITY of GA doesn't like to see Buck with a man. If they chickened out from reuniting Bucktommy, despite the support from a part of the GA, how on earth they would have the gut to make Buddie, whom GA knows nothing about, canon?

There is almost no benefit for ABC to make Buddie canon. GA doesn't know about Buddie. Even if Buddie never canon, Buddie fans keep watching the show and Buddie writers keep bringing Buddie up in every article for clicks and engagements. Making Buddie canon might increase the exposure to the show for a while. However, if ABC and Tim Minear assumed that most of the GA didn't like to see Buck with a boyfriend (and they had broken Bucktommy up because of it), I don't think they would take the risk of losing their existing audience for online engagements.

Here's another prove that the GA doesn't care about Buddie. Ep. 8x09 "Sob Stories" is about Eddie leaving, possibly permanently (he put a down payment on a house in Texas!). Have you seen GA complained about Eddie's leaving the way they did when Tommy's leaving? No? That's how you know that Eddie is NOT a big draw for GA (no offense to Ryan Guzman). I'm sure people in ABC also notice that.

EDIT: Someone mentioned that GA might complain if Ryan did 'exit' interviews, like Lou did before. I don't think so. GA didn't read Lou's exit interview. While writing this edit, the Fangirlish interview only has 7 comments, while the Decider interview has an invitation to "Be the first to comment", lol. If GA read those exit interviews, there would be a lot of complaints on the articles, similar like the ones on the ABC's IG and FB accounts. ABC has known those interviewers are biased towards Buddie. Those interviews are directed to fans, not to GA.

4)) Budget constraint.

ABC knows that there will be a significant cost increase in the near future:

Season 8 is the time for Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Ryan Guzman's contracts renewal.

JLH's involvement in the second sequeal of I Know What You Did Last Summer proves that people in the industry still consider her as a big draw for audience worldwide. She could demand a significant raise based on it.

Ep. 8x09 has the highest rating of the season so far (5.3). It's even higher than the airplane disaster (5.1). Why? Because the Scream Queen was screaming, and the GA wanted to see that. JLH might add this fact to her ammo in her contract negotiation.

A significant raise for JLH could mean budget cut in other areas:

a) Ryan might not get a raise with the amount he expected.

This has happened in Grey's Anatomy. Renewing Ellen Pompeo's contract for $20 million a year allegedly has prompted Jessica Chapshaw and Sarah Drew to leave the show, because they didn't get their expected raise. It also happened in Inside Out 2. Amy Pohler's $5 million pay took a big portion of the budget. Thus, Pixar decided to cheap out the other cast members, prompting Bill Hader and Mindy Kalling's refusal to return.

b) They have to scale down the production.

There have been rumors that budget cut is the reason behind the reduced appearance of recurring characters in this season. There's also the fact that Bathena's house has been burnt down. So far, there is no sign of their new house, but I guess it would be a scale down. It's also probably why they decided to let Buck's loft go.

5)) To push Buck to live with Tommy if Eddie returns.

This is mostly a joke among Bucktommy nations. However, let's think about it seriously to cover all the bases. Is it possible? Very unlikely. Tommy has a car lift and a Muay Thai ring. That kind of place is not cheap. There's a reason why we never saw Tommy's house during Season 7. Assuming Buck and Tommy get back together, if the show had to let Bathena's house go for budget reason, I doubt Buck would move to Tommy's house anytime soon.

6)) To bait the Buddie fans

Although they don't have the gut to give Buck a permanent boyfriend, they could still drive online engagements by making Buck and Eddie roommates. Will they do that? We'll know when we see Bathena's new house. If it is an expensive house, then we know that budget is not an issue. Thus, there's no reason for the roommate situation other than Buddiebaiting. For the sake of non-toxic Buddie fans who still believe Buddie will be canon, I sincerely hope they won't go there. It'll be too cruel.

EDIT: Someone pointed out to me that Tim might have planned to bait Buddie fans with Buck's moving into Eddie's house, based on his interview with Decider:

DECIDER: Did it cross your mind when you were writing that twist that Buck also lived in Abby’s (Connie Britton) apartment when she left in Season 1?  TM: Yes! It did, and I had even made reference to it later, but that ended up falling out. I think it just got a little confusing for the network. But there was a reference to that fact. For Buck, it’s different, because he’s not Eddie’s lover, for one thing. He was pining for Abby when she left. But he didn’t think he was living in her place. He thought he was waiting for her to come back.

Apparently, Tim wanted to put a Buddie bait with Buck's moving, but ABC stopped him, lol. That's interesting. I thought ABC didn't mind with baiting because they allowed Tim did it with Bucktommy: hyping Bucktommy up then breaking them apart 🤔.

From all the above, I think Buddiebaiting budget constraint is the most possible reason why we are losing Buck's loft NOW, instead of at the end of this season. If the decision is permanent, regardless Eddie would return or not, having Buck move to Eddie's house NOW while Eddie is still in LA is more practical than having Buck fly to Texas to sign a sublease contract. If Eddie returns, he has to share his house with Buck. It might be good to drive online engagements anyway, regardless what Ryan feels about it.

[eldritch-bf]

The Terror // book v. show

A non-exhaustive list since there’s a lot. Some work better for the show being a visual medium or are understandable given the episode constraints. Some are definitely for the better. Others are for the worse.

Characters

A few roles and personalities are flipped around. In the book Sir John is less sympathetic and I was happy when he died. Crozier is also less sympathetic because he’s super racist like the rest of them to the Netsilik. More on that later. This nicer Crozier works better imo. FitzJames is wayyyy less of a blowhard in the book. Most of the time they just focus on how he’s the Handsomest Man in the Royal Navy. He’s pretty and a good listener to Crozier, who is much angrier all the time in the book.

Goodsir’s role as Silence’s friend/possible romantic interest/protector/interpreter is Irving’s role in the book. Goodsir in the book also annoys some of the men more, at least in the first half (he is physically weak and not Really a Doctor).

Irving in the show is very pray/work the gay away Mr Hickey but book Irving is more Uncomfy and Just Doesn’t Wanna Get Involved

But book Hickey also kills Irving because he’s concerned Irving is gonna snitch and he and his bf would be executed (either for being gay or for the suspected mutiny plotting). He doesn’t kill him for food.

Hickey isn’t with Gibson, he’s with Magnus, and he actually loves Magnus, who is later shot by Crozier, and Magnus is a much bigger deal (both literally and literarily) as he’s got the strength and size of like 5 or 10 strong men, is well-liked by the whole crew, is somewhat dumb, and will do anything Hickey tells him to. Magnus is Crozier’s biggest concern when it comes to the mutiny.

In fact, when Irving discovers them, Magnus initially takes a very threatening step toward Irving, and Hickey simply tells him ‘no’ and Magnus obeys. It’s also Crozier who threatens to send Magnus down to sit in the dead room with the ghosts he’s so afraid of, not Irving.

Hickey is distraught over Magnus getting shot. He threatens Goodsir violently if Magnus “gets so much as a stomach ache”. Magnus takes weeks to die of from sepsis or internal bleeding or something (injuries Goodsir intentionally mistreated). Hickey stayed with his body for days until he lets the Tuunbaq kill him. (Which refuses to eat his soul.) He also definitely lost is mind, thinking he was a god and could resurrect Magnus and all the men whenever he wanted.

Also in the book Hickey, Magnus, and Aylmore get their lashings for disrespecting the late Sir John at the carnivale. Magnus sobs like a child the whole time which the men find extremely upsetting considering he’s a big brawny somewhat stupid guy that they all love. Hickey receives his lashings last and iirc just takes them completely silently while staring down Crozier.

So in the book Hickey mostly wants to kidnap Crozier to torture and then execute him because he hates him for class reasons, for being a dick, or order him and Magnus lashed, maybe for threatening Magnus with the ghosts, etc.

Silence

In the book, Silence can’t speak from the beginning, but in the show she can. This works better avoiding the trope of having natives be incapable of communicating with colonizers, and also gives us the name of the Tuunbaq right away.

However in the book it works better with her not being able to speak as well as her personality being very different (she basically never reacts to anything) to the effect of making the men and reader uncertain if she’s helping the creature, afraid of it, or literally is the creature. We lose that sense of uncertainty as the viewer.

She’s also waaaaay more creepy in the book bc she shows almost no expression or emotion despite the fact that as Crozier later discovers even though she can’t really speak English she did understand what they were communicating. There’s a part where she and Crozier are walking alone in the snow between the two ships and she “runs off”, comes back. hands him the mitten or something of a crewmate who is later found cut in half and then disappears into the blizzard.

Her name reveal works better in the book bc it doesn’t make sense that she didn’t mention her name once to Goodsir in the months they spent together. Plus in the book we are given the context that Silna’s name is a combination of Sedna and Sila, described as the sea and air goddesses, respectively.

Also, and this is really important, as it’s mentioned fucking over and over again, Silence isn’t like 30 or whatever age she appears to be in the show. She’s repeatedly mentioned as basically looking like she’s 15 or 20, no one can tell. But Goodsir does examine her for injuries and reports that she’s a virgin.

This fact is mentioned as unusual by the men who are familiar with the Inuit for what I assumed was their racist idea of indigenous women and girls as hypersexual. But we will unfortunately see that this detail was some kind of foreshadowing.

Also Sir John is disturbed by Silence because he met her like 30 years ago and she hasn’t aged or something. Something he realizes when he accidentally sees her naked and recognizes her nipples?

Tuunbaq

The design for the creature’s face in the show is dumb as fuck I’m so sorry it looks like the yeti from the seasons greetings meme also it canonically had black empty eyes like a polar bear not those uncomfortable uncanny valley human eyes

In the book the lore is that the Tuunbaq was created by Sedna to kill the spirit of the air and the spirit of the moon, who defeat it (but can’t kill it), causing it to return and attempt to kill its creator, who anticipated this as a likely scenario, and instead banished it to the human world. Shaman have to have children with other shaman who work to communicate and appease the Tuunbaq (offering it food, not invading its territory without permission cough cough Englishmen cough), as it cannot be killed, only appeased or angered.

Then in the show it chokes to death on Hickey’s body and Crozier’s chain…

However in the show the Tuunbaq’s role is closer to a protective guardian of the Inuit, or simply a spirit balancing nature. So by it being killed by Englishmen who obviously don’t stop colonizing, added with Crozier’s attempt to get the rescue teams to turn back and not look for the passage, it’s the beginning of the end for the world as the Netsilik knew it (and the environment which is mentioned in the book, as well as the poor bears dying, the ice melting, etc.) as more and more white men will keep coming and nothing can stop them, not even the Tuunbaq nor Crozier’s doomed attempt to trick/frighten them away.

But yeah, in the book the Tuunbaq does not die, which leads me to the last point:

Ending

The book ending is quite different and I think the tv show ending is better, even if I don’t love the tv show ending (just feels a bit rushed but what do you do) personally I would have preferred something like Crozier makes it back to the Terror and waits for the ship to sink in the summer thaw and dies with the ship. However Crozier IRL may have actually survived according to Inuit testimony.

In the book, Silence rescues Crozier after he’s shot with a pistol and a shotgun by Hickey during his attempted and unsuccessful kidnapping. The whole time she’s nursing him back to health I was thinking why the fuck is she doing this. And the whole time Crozier is still calling her a savage despite also being intrigued by her Arctic survival skills including hunting which his men were totally terrible at

Well she saved him because I forgot to mention this but in the book Crozier and Silence are both clairvoyants. They can see bits of the future and stuff happening far away though Crozier sucks at it. As they sleep next to each other they dream the other person’s dreams, which is the way we get exposition on some Inuit spiritual beliefs including lore and the name of the Tuunbaq, as Crozier is dreaming Silna’s dreams.

And we learn that uh. Since shamans are only supposed to have kids with other shamans to pass down their powers so. Yeah they’re supposed to get married. And Crozier wakes up in the middle of the night with her stroking his cock and they fuck.

Not to mention how at this point Crozier still can’t communicate with her. Was kinda gross of him focusing on how good deflowering a virgin feels, and also how before this he repeatedly mentioned how much prettier pink nipples and white skin were compared to the dark native girls.

He also does the ritual to become a shaman for the Tuunbaq which including Inuit throat singing which I would have liked to hear in the show but oh well.

And then it basically cuts to 2 years later and they have a family together and can communicate through touch telepathy and it’s repeatedly brought up that she’s his wife and will do anything he wants even move with him to America and live in the city and be miserable and die. (EDIT: they don’t go to America, they stay in the Arctic together, but Crozier considers it and knows she would do whatever he wanted even if it made her miserable, because she’s his wife and that’s what wives do I guess.)

Anyway so I was kinda happy the show changed that ending.

[maxdibert]

The Marauders fandom is one that someone could easily enter only to quickly lose interest, and that's exactly how I feel right now. I “joined” (or rather got dragged into) it around late September or early October of THIS YEAR, drawn in by the excitement of everyone creating their own stories for the characters. As someone who also loves to write, I found it fascinating and immediately felt a connection to the community.

The biggest mistake of my life has been getting involved in this fandom. The level of toxicity is almost shocking. It baffles me that many of the members are four years older than I am, able to pay taxes and even vote. I had hoped that their age would mean they could engage in meaningful discussions, conduct thorough research, analyze characters effectively, and write about them with depth. But I’ve been let down repeatedly.

First, it was Jegulus, a ship I couldn't understand because, I admit, I am someone who takes canon a little seriously even when I'm making fanon things, and these two do NOT seem like they'd work well together. Then, it was like characters that are known to be BAD PEOPLE were suddenly cool kids that were either gay, twinks or just given this sob story so people could like them (Regulus, Sirius, Barty Crouch Jr, Remus, James, hell, even Evan and Mulciber...). Next, the girls were thrown to the side and given WLW ships just so they could stay out of the way of MLM ships.

What finally pushed me over the edge was the overwhelming disdain for Severus Snape. The constant name-calling, the people who genuinely believed that being hung upside down for humiliation wasn't a form of sexual assault, and the accusations of him stalking or being obsessed with Lily—all while completely overlooking the fact that he represents one of the truest reflections of a guy clearly needing HELP and STABILITY. The idea that "he deserved to be bullied" really stung, and it feels like I’m constantly being pushed away for simply admitting that his character means everything to me. After all, he offers me something to delve into, to grasp and wrestle with in my thoughts. He's also realistic, because wouldn't you be miserable too if you had to grow up in a domestic abusive situation, go to school only to get bullied??

How can I come back to a fandom after so long, happy to finally become social again after being socially anxious, only for the fandom to be crap? How can I look up to anyone my age and think they know what they're doing when THIS is how they act? I understand it's fiction; I know that I shouldn't be pissed because it is a fanon-based community, BUT fiction and reality can cross over and over and over again. There's a point that some people need to realize that whatever they say or do with a fictional character will mirror how they'll react to people like that in the real world, even if they don't notice they're doing it.

(P.S. - I don't have good grammar, so this might be hard to read...sorry!)

Honestly, I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience. I guess for those who also enjoy Severus as a character or are his fans, being in that fandom must be a nightmare. I mean, I’ve literally seen them fangirl over absolutely EVERY character except him—I have no idea what their deal is. Some people say it’s because adult Severus is unpleasant, but, hello? Barty Crouch Jr.? Seriously? That man not only tortured a couple into insanity but also locked a man in a trunk for months and triggered the son of the couple he drove insane. To me, it all boils down to beauty privilege and classism. What I don’t understand is looking down on people who are in that fandom but also happen to be Snape fans. I mean, there are plenty of people within Snapedom who, for example, like the Marauders or are fans of Sirius or Lily, and I’ve never seen anyone give them crap for it. I wouldn’t give anyone crap for that.

In fact, my issue with the Marauders' fandom isn’t that they like the Marauders but how they try to justify the unjustifiable, whitewash their actions, or completely destroy their canon personalities.

Anyway, I feel really bad because, in the end, people use the internet to pass the time, have fun, vent, or escape the real world, and it’s such a shame that they’re met with rejection instead. But, honestly, what can you expect from people who minimize or whitewash bullying other than more bullying?

[snek-of-eden]

Star Trek AMV Masterpost (ongoing)

I feel like amvs are so often forgotten in fandom culture, so here's a list of my favourites! All are on YouTube, and all credit goes to the original creators. the links should take you straight there. (the majority of these are spirk, but there's definitely variety!!) some of these are pretty popular, others obscure, but they're all amazing and you should totally check them out. My all time fav ones are marked with a 💙.

Spirk:

Star Trek || A Thousand Years - [Kirk/Spock] -- this one is super well known, incredibly crafted, a beautiful homage to TOS Spirk and their journey that fades seamlessly into AOS through Spock Prime's memories 💙

Kirk/Spock - If I Were Gay -- absolutely hilarious TOS amv that feels like a parody, I laughed my ass off. all the suggestive scenes and hella funny lyrics to accompany it

Kirk & Spock │Renegades -- amazing x ambassadors song, the lyrics fit them so well and the colouring was spot on. TOS going through the original series and the movies!! 💙

Kirk & Spock │ Come right back to you -- exploration of TOS spirk's bond interspersed with show quotes and the most melancholic soundtrack. shed a tear at this one

Spock and Kirk Feel Again - A Star Trek Music Video -- absolute BANGER of a One Republic song, a TOS amv focusing on Spock and Kirk (with some stunning song parallels to Spock's emotions and the lyrics!)

Star Trek TOS | Two Slow Dancers - [Kirk + Spock] -- would you like to cry today? do you want to sob into your pillow? then this is the video for you. Mitski and TOS Spirk together is a gorgeous combo, and the editing is /on point/

Star Trek - Can't Help Falling In Love (Kirk/Spock) -- an oldie but a goodie, Jim and Spock's ballad of love all throughout TOS and the movies

Keep Holding On (Kirk/Spock) -- its the combo you never knew you needed! glee and Star Trek!! show tunes, glitter, and a completely TOS movie based amv about the events of Search For Spock and The Voyage Home

Running Up That Hill (Kirk/Spock) -- Kate Bush cover and Star Trek TOS? yes fucking please. don't diss the Kate Bush, people. ITS NOT CRINGE HERE. all your swoon-worthy, love-for-the-ages spirk content, some suggestive scenes spliced in the middle, a lot of amok time hehe

K/S (Kirk/Spock) - FUN -- adrenaline inducing AOS spirk fighting amv set to Troye Sivan!! some seriously talented editing and a very pretty AOS colouring

Spirk 'Blank Space' -- christ, this video was what got me to actually watch AOS. One of the only AOS amvs I cherish with my whole heart. the song is a cover of Taylor Swift's Blank Space - and imo it's even better than the original. I've ranted about the editing on a lot of these but this one just about takes the cake. fucking gorgeous 💙

Spock/Kirk - Blue (Star Trek TOS/AOS) -- angsty af and set to Halsey's 'Colors', this one'll get you sobbing. more slow-paced. also, both TOS and AOS!!

Spock / Kirk - Stay {TOS/AOS} -- Hurts is such an underrated artist but so many of their songs are spirk coded!! Very pretty edit, lots of parallels

Kirk/Spock - Landslide -- Fleetwood Mac and some lovely melancholic TOS movie reminiscing about Kirk and Spock's relationship as they're growing older and losing their youth

Kirk/Spock - Wait for It -- calling all Hamilton fans, this one'll be right up your alley. TOS fading into AOS and focusing primarily on Kirk and Spock's dynamic through Spock's perspective. fast paced and fucking wicked

Star Trek: Kirk/Spock || Hold on -- the obligatory Hold On amv (I feel like every fandom has one lol). AOS, spirk, some great angst here!

James T. Kirk:

James T. Kirk | I'll Be Good -- absolutely STUNNING exploration of AOS Kirk's character and psyche, done with gorgeous editing and colours and scene selection. I'm not a huge AOS fan but I played this on repeat for a week. Song is I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young, which is incredibly Jim Kirk coded. so so amazing 💙

Icarus | Jim Kirk [HD] -- snappy cuts and a great portrayal of AOS Kirk. Spirky undertones but nothing explicit. super poignant lyrics

Little Talks - Captain Kirk Tribute: A Star Trek Music Video -- captivating, beautifully edited amv by First Officer Nims (who make some of the best amvs I've watched), one of the most meaningful TOS Kirk videos I've had the pleasure of finding. It's constantly in my head, in my heart, in my soul. 10/10 💙

{James T. Kirk} BI BI BI -- all y'all bi Jim truthers, this one's for you. all of Jim's fruitiest moments from TOS (and behind the scenes) gathered into one camp edit and set to the glorious sounds of NSYNC!! featuring "are there men on this planet", "they seem to be bisexual" and Jim nearly kissing McCoy ;) 💙

jim kirk's babiest moments | fanvid -- not exactly an amv but it's close enough!! exactly what it says on the tin - TOS Jim being the most babygirl ever, pouting, flirting with spock and bones, fighting people by throwing himself at them, and much more. go watch it, you'll thank me

Spones:

What's On Your Mind | Spones || Star Trek [TOS] -- a masterfully put together and downright hilarious eighties-themed spock/bones TOS amv!! (featuring both Nimoy and Kelley's voices in the actual song recording)

Spock & Bones • Hopeless place -- two words: RIHANNA COVER. it's short, its AOS, it's fuckin Rihanna. what is there not to love? I have nothing more to say. go listen to Rihanna

The Night We Met || Spones -- Lord Huron and TOS Spones amv, it's just a general lovely video, great editing and the lyrics fit them so well. I felt Lots of Emotions watching this, and so will you

[Star Trek] Spock/McCoy - Please Don't Leave Me -- beautifully put-together video for TOS' Spock and Bones. It's giving so much 'we're divorced but still in love' energy. painful and funny and the bridge of the song is just *screams incoherently* 💙

You Had A Bad Day -Spock/McCoy *Slash* -- sobbing at this one, TOS and absolutely chefs kiss. scene selection is on point, it tells a full story. creator has found what I consider to be the holy grail of Bones' best angsty moments

Star Trek In General:

Star Trek - This Is Me -- I will be preaching about this video for the rest of my fucking life. think of every positive adjective you can; they all do nothing to describe how wonderful this amv is. Greatest Showman is good on its own... when you add Star Trek into the mix something beautiful happens. an absolute anthem of positivity and inclusivity and everything Star Trek is at its heart. Clips taken from every show, but especially DS9, Discovery and the AOS movies!!! probably my favourite on the whole list 💙

Star Trek || I'll keep coming -- very very well done HD AOS amv about the whole cast. feels like a movie. the creator has put so much effort into this and it pays off!! great homage to AOs as a whole

Star Trek | You Are Loved -- AOS tribute to the soundtrack of Lights by Sleeping At Last. Perfect cuts, great lyrics, big fan

[Star Trek: TOS] Party Rock Anthem -- the video for those who want to bust their ass laughing. superb chaos, you will have no idea what's happening and it will be fabulous

Star Trek DS9 - Last Friday Night -- the DS9 group bullshitting around and having a whale of a time for almost four minutes straight. ever wanna show a friend just how weird Star Trek really is? this'll do it. it's like if three hundred punch drunk aliens threw a queer party! wahoo!

Assorted Others:

Garak x Bashir - Hooked -- sexy, dangerous, catchy garashir amv with perfect beat drops and lyrics to die for. fucking sweet, I have this on repeat

Undisclosed Desires | Deep Space Nine -- DS9 Bashir/Garak slash, amazing editing and a sick ass song. Really shows off their - again - dangerous dynamic and the 'I can make him better' 'I can accept his violence' aspects of their relationship

King of Shadow ★ Garashir -- a more intimate, kind-hearted look into Bashir/Garak's relationship, less fast-paced and on-edge. Superb and filled with lies and whispers. love this one!

ϟ twenty years || Jim|Spock|Bones [TOS] -- melancholic but still quick-paced TOS McSpirk exploration. goes through the original series and the movies

Scotty/Uhura- "Hey Soul Sister" -- sweet and utterly adorable lil scotty/uhura amv. fluff fluff and more fluff!! big fan, I am such a simp for the cuteness omg

Garak/Bashir | ST: DS9 | Some Boys -- back on the dangerous garashir shit, this is the stuff of my best nightmares. amazing editing and the song choice is spot on. I've had the single by Death Cab For Cutie on Spotify repeating for a week *heart eyes*

Kathryn Janeway || Soldier -- I'm a big Voyager fan, and this is the perfect tribute to Janeway. It shows exactly how her character works, getting right into her head, and the whole thing is action packed. Paced spectacularly and argh just amazing

Those are some of my favourites!! Please go check some of them out! There are so many more, and the list is growing every day. AMV creators are amazing and I'm kissing you all on the forehead. thank you for your service 💙. I'm in the process of making a public YouTube playlist with all of these on it, so if you want to have that I'll probably link it eventually!!

[uselessgay10101]

Summary || Lane spends her night taking Anna's mind off of...her mind

Warnings || nothing really. I'm running low on want for angst🤷🤷🤷

W/C || 2,985

Pairing || Anna and Lane. Consider this my joy before sadness for Anna after the update.

A/N || idk if it's the whole artist thing and seeing it from the very bad beginning but I don't... like it. Idk rate me I could use them

A03 Link || Right here bb <333

Disclaimer || ....idk. gay thoughts?

°•○●°•○●°•○●°•○●°•○●°•○●°•

"Only to people I like-"

---------------------------------------------------

The pillow was already damp against Anna's face, but she pressed it harder against her mouth anyway, desperate to swallow any sob that leaked from her throat.

The room in Roktov was dark, lit only by the thin candle casting everything in muted yellow light. Anna could hear Lane's steady breathing from the other bed—light, unbothered, constant.

That familiar rhythm, which had brought her comfort on other nights, only made her more aware of how alone she was with what was tearing her apart from the inside.

To be quite honest, Anna didn't know what exactly was bothering her. That being said, she wasn't exactly surprised at her state right now either. Who in their right mind would enjoy her life?

Anna bit down on the pillowcase, tasting salt and cotton, willing herself to be quiet.

No matter what, Lane needed her sleep.

Anna's thoughts spiraled—*The world is cruel... I need to shut up.*

Lane couldn't afford to be woken up by her mess of emotions. Not when the constant threat of death was always breathing down their necks. The abominations wouldn't wait for them to get good nights' sleep. Death didn't discriminate, and neither would they.

Lane had just fallen asleep after staying up late translating the book like always. She needed rest to stay sharp.

Anna couldn't lose Lane. Not her.

She couldn't lose her friend.

She— Lane, for all her flaws, had been... comforting. Even with that annoyingly calm expression she always wore—Anna found stability in it. Someone needed to keep a level head between them.

Lane always had a way of getting everyone in the squad to shut up when Anna was working or keeping them updated. It saved Anna from screaming at them to be quiet.

They didn't actually care—they never did... but at least they acted like they did.

Lane also had a... strange way of offering backup.

Even though it had only been a few weeks since they had found her, she'd already made it clear that anyone who made Anna upset would unfortunately have to bear the unease of her hollow stare for days.

Blinking back into her body, Anna found she wasn't crying anymore—or rather—not as much.

Just thinking of Lane calmed her like nothing else ever had.

And despite herself, Anna chuckled softly.

Lane was weird. Like her.

And maybe, just maybe, the creepy, expressionless Lane she was first annoyed by had come to matter more to her than Anna ever expected.

Funny how life works. Two lost souls finding each other in this godforsaken world...

Anna's smile evaporated when she heard the soft rustle of sheets from the other bed. That voice.

Lane.

"I'm guessing you're okay now, Anna?"

Lane's voice was soft, gentle... more emotional than it usually was. A shocking contrast to her usual deadpan tone.

Anna froze, holding her breath. Maybe if she didn't make a sound, Lane would think she had fallen asleep?

Instead, she heard bare feet touch the floor.

"Anna? I know you're awake." Lane's voice was quiet, careful. Not groggy like a normal person would be. No. She was alert, like she had been awake longer than she had let on.

Anna cursed her inability to stay quiet. Every small cry. Every broken sound that escaped her... damn them all.

Anna kept her face buried in the pillow, barely breathing through the wet cotton. She did not trust her voice to remain steady.

Despite the clawing sensation to bare her feelings and be understood, her fear of rejection was far greater. Anna was afraid, and that was more than enough.

Then, shockingly, the mattress dipped behind her. Lane sat on the edge of the bed. And for a long moment, neither of them moved or spoke.

Lane had never been good with words when emotions ran high—or low.

It was not that she didn't care... emotions were just not her thing... and Anna knew that.

Anna knew Lane was all action and solutions... that she was uneasy with feelings since they couldn't be solved with logic.

Lane didn't...

Lane wouldn't...

...

Lane would.

Because unbeknownst to Anna, Lane was actually silently panicking. Desperate even.

*Emotion +1 (+2?) for Lane.*

*...Yay?*

Lane bit her lip, looking at Anna's still, curled form.

She didn't know much about how debilitating some high emotions were, but Lane knew one thing clearly—Anna needed to be taken care of right now. Yet she couldn't do it. She didn't know how...

However unintelligent Lane was with emotions, she was genuinely trying. Her brows were furrowed in concentration, trying to find something—anything—to help Anna. She felt an inexplicable tightness in her chest as her eyes roamed that curled form beside her.

Anna was still hugging the cotton pillow tightly as if it were a lifeline.

Maybe...

Gentle fingers brushed Anna's bicep. Tentative at first, then more sure. Without a word, Lane laid behind Anna, arms curling around the rolled blanket that had her tucked in its warmth.

The embrace was cautious, awkward and slow. Lane had never done this, and it showed.

Still, Anna gasped softly at the feel of Lane's body cradling her own. The soft embrace was both cautious and desperate, almost like Lane was trying to shield the woman in her arms from everything she was feeling, even if she didn't know what it was or how to stop it.

Lane's arms trembled as she held Anna. Every breath was measured and careful, like she was trying to calm Anna with her breathing.

"Your hands are shaking," Anna whispered, still not trusting her voice to speak louder than a whisper.

"I know," Lane murmured. "I've never... I don't know how to do this. But I couldn't leave you alone."

*Wouldn't.* She wouldn't. Lane wouldn't have allowed herself to leave Anna.

Anna's lips pursed. She whispered, "You don't have to. It's not my first time. I'll be fine. Just go—"

To her surprise, Lane held her tighter, whispering in Anna's ear, "Then you'll have to try harder than that. I'm not leaving you."

Thanks to her emotional state, Anna's eyes immediately filled with tears. She looked off to the side, brows furrowed as she whispered, "You're annoying..."

Lane smirked. "Only to people I like, so you should feel honored."

As if forgetting momentarily her own sadness, Anna laughed. It was teary and barely existing... but it was there.

And Lane cherished every moment of it. She smiled unconsciously—

Actual normal human emotion graced her face.

Lane didn't stop... she was happy she made a friend laugh when they were sad. Now if that was not an accomplishment to be proud of, she didn't know what was.

After a few more minutes of Lane allowing Anna to collect herself, Anna turned in the embrace, turning to face her.

In the dim candlelight, Anna barely saw the uncertainty across Lane's face—the look she wore when she wasn't exactly sure of some code.

"Thank you," Anna said softly, reaching up to touch Lane's cheek.

Immediately, Lane leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering closed as if Anna's hand was the first gentle thing she'd felt in years.

Why did Lane's heart beat faster with her touch? And why did she feel... cautious? It wasn't like Anna would attack her...

Right?

Lane's features were blurry and barely visible in the candlelight. Maybe it was the tears. Or the lack of glasses that made Anna's heart beat faster.

Maybe Anna had developed a fear of the dark?

Whatever it was, Anna found she could imagine how Lane looked at her right now very clearly, even without her spectacles.

Lane's serious, soft eyes, the small crease in her brow when she concentrated, the subtle smile she wore when talking to Anna. Her quiet warmth.

Maybe she'd looked at Lane more than she had realized...

Lane whispered, humming contently, "Your hand is warm. I like it. I like that you're always warm." She smiled ever so slightly.

Maybe it really was all in her head, but Anna felt Lane's gaze looking softly at her...

And despite herself, Anna laughed softly, blushing. "And yours are cold."

Before Lane could respond, Anna cradled her hands in her own, blowing warm air on them.

Anna missed Lane's confused eyes blinking at her.

Lane's breath caught as Anna's warm hands enveloped her own... why?

The gentle puff of warm air against her fingertips was sending an unexpected jolt through her entire body...

Lane's heart—which had always been such a reliable, predictable thing—suddenly felt like it had been thrown into the pool without knowing how to swim!

*What are you doing to me, Anna?* Lane thought. She... Lane wasn't afraid. But she wasn't not afraid.

Lane was no stranger to fear. She had faced down death countless times, but it had always been without her pulse so much as stuttering. At her young age, she had decoded messages that would have broken lesser minds. She had maintained perfect composure through interrogations and close calls against death itself. She was no amateur to danger.

So why...

Why did Anna blowing warm air on her hands somehow reduce her to this—this mess—someone panicking, whose heart felt like it was a trapped bird in her chest?

Lane squinted at Anna's face in the flickering candlelight. What was happening to her? This wasn't normal for Lane... why did Anna invoke so much in her?

Lane genuinely tried to apply logic to what was happening to her body—

Elevated heart rate. Shortness of breath. That strange, fluttering sensation in her stomach that felt almost like fear but... wasn't. The way her skin seemed hyper-aware of every point where Anna's body touched hers.

*Adrenaline response,* Lane told herself.

She smirked. Of course. There was no need to panic—

...

Why was this happening—

Lane's brows furrowed deeper.

"I don't want to fight or flee..."

Lane's lips thinned as her expression stiffened.

What was happening... what was Anna doing to her...?

Lane didn't want to run... instead, she wanted to memorize the curve of Anna's smile, the way her eyes crinkled slightly when she laughed, the warmth radiating from her skin when she unexpectedly hugged Lane in moments of excitement...

Why?

Why did Lane want to hold Anna close? Why did she want to keep her safe? Why... just why was her heart beating so fast?

Lane had always prided herself on her analytical mind, her ability to deconstruct and understand anything through careful observation and deduction.

But this—whatever this was—defied every framework she had ever used to make sense of the world. It felt as if the ground under her feet had disappeared...

Shockingly, she wasn't afraid.

Even more shockingly, she wasn't mad either.

"Lane?" The woman's voice was soft, concerned.

Anna's eyes blinked half-blindly at Lane. "You're staring. Are you okay?"

"Sorry—"

"Are you cold?"

"I—"

Not giving Lane time to respond, Anna quickly draped the blanket over her.

Lane blinked back into true consciousness, realizing she was now in Anna's grasp and... that she had been studying Anna's face with the same intensity she usually reserved for encrypted pages.

*Whoops...*

Lane coughed, turning her blushed cheeks away. "I uh..."

...

How in the world could she suppose to explain that she didn't understand what was happening to her own body?

The very logical explanation she had constructed...

It felt inadequate...

Ok it felt bad.

Horrible even.

Especially faced with the simple reality of Anna's presence making her feel like she was coming apart and being rebuilt all at once—all with these new parts she had no idea how to use or what they even did?

Lane looked down, and before she could think of something to say, Anna laughed softly.

"I never... I never thought you of all people would be my favorite, you know?" Anna smirked, hiding just how much the reality hurt her. "I never had any girlfriends to comfort me like this. It was always me and my stuffed cat, Mr. Nibbles."

Lane blinked, slightly surprised. "Mr. Nipples?"

Anna sputtered a loud laugh but quickly covered her mouth. But she still giggled.

"Mr. Nibbles! Not nipples!" Anna yell-whispered.

Lane blinked. "Oh."

Anna leaned her cheek on Lane's shoulder, her leg now resting on Lane's hip as she continued softly, "Yeah... I always wanted a real one. Like those big house cats, you know? Either an Oriental Shorthair or a Maine Coon..."

"Maybe a Bombay..."

Lane shamelessly looked at Anna as she bit her lip thoughtfully.

Lane hummed and licked her own lips unconsciously, pulling Anna ever so slightly closer as she talked. "You sure know your cats... I didn't even know those existed."

Anna shrugged and laughed. "My parents never let me have one, though."

Anna rolled her eyes. "Dmitry is allergic to them."

"He is?"

Anna looked up at Lane before shifting closer, laughing. "He likes to act all tough, but even the unshakable strong-man is toppled by his hypersensitivity to cats."

Lane smirked, leaning into Anna, whispering, "You do realize I could use this information for my own selfish desires, right?"

Anna laughed, grabbing Lane's chin as she leaned in closer, whispering in turn, "We both know you won't, Lane."

Lane's mouth immediately went dry as she felt Anna's warm breath just an impulse away.

Lane shivered and chuckled gruffly, whispering, "You have—"

Whisper-screaming, Anna interrupted her. "Why didn't you tell me you're still cold?!"

"No, I—"

Before Lane could correct her, Anna tugged her closer—or rather squished Lane even more against her—

and Lane found herself covered completely from head to toe.

Lane blinked in confusion as she found herself wrapped in blankets.

Anna muffled her laughter against Lane's shoulder.

There it goes again...

To say the beating in her chest felt bad would be lying.

It was pleasant. But why?

Of course, Lane wasn't an idiot. She knew it could very well be attraction.

But why?

Why for Anna?

Sure, Anna was beautiful, but...

Well, that was basically it.

Sure, Anna was nice... enough... but she never showed interest in Lane. Why would Lane feel anything for her?

And Lane only knew of feeling any type of attraction to a male...

Anna... wouldn't accept her feelings...

...Right?

Anna's whisper interrupted Lane's thoughts.

"Thank you."

Lane chuckled. "You should probably raise your head."

Grumbling, Anna did as she was told.

"I said, Thank you..."

Lane's lips tingled as Anna's breath brushed her closely. Anna was very close... she had been. Was this normal? Is that what close friends do? Was she crazy, or—

Before her thoughts could spin once more, Anna continued, glancing away embarrassed.

"I didn't realize how much I needed a friend. Thank you for not ignoring me..."

Despite her shock and racing heart, Lane took Anna into her arms, tightly hugging her.

Anna gasped audibly but soon hugged Lane back tentatively, her own heart beating faster than it should with contact from a friend.

"I would've never ignored you." Lane mumbled. "I've never been able to do that either way. Not to you, anyway."

Anna laughed. "Are you saying I'm special?"

Even with the fluttering in her chest, Lane pulled away. She rolled her eyes and smirked. "If that makes you feel better."

Anna giggled, tugging Lane against her once more in a tight hug as if wanting to fuse with Lane's very essence.

For science, of course...

Anna giggled like a little girl.

Lane blinked, surprised, questioning just why that noise meant so much to her.

...why did she want to hear it again?

Before she found her answer, she laughed quietly as well.

"You're weird you know that, Anna?"

Lane laughed.

Anna looked up at her, surprised, but soon she grinned, knowing she would do just about anything to hear that sound from her friend again.

The turnaround of her emotions tonight... Anna expected herself to cry herself to sleep, but now she was laughing like a child with her best friend. Her eyes shimmered with tears.

Happy ones now.

Anna didn't know what she was doing. She was drunk with happiness—happiness of finally having someone, that she didn't cry herself to sleep, and that... she wasn't alone.

Anna grabbed Lane's head and kissed her forehead, laughing.

Lane immediately froze.

Anna pulled back. "I am so sorry, I didn't—!"

Lane unexpectedly nuzzled her face onto Anna's warm neck. She held Anna against her, tangling her legs securely into Anna's, forbidding her from leaving.

Anna gasped.

Not because of extra contact with Lane or the intimacy of it all... okay, fine, a bit because of that—

But Anna gasped at Lane's content murmurs. If Anna didn't know it wasn't exactly possible for Lane to magically turn into a cat, she would have definitely believed she was being hugged by a strange human-cat thing.

Laughing softly, Anna laid her chin on the head tucked at her neck.

With a content sigh, Anna and Lane fell asleep, bodies pressed tightly together and limbs intertwined as two twin souls finally together after a hard journey.

At the end of the day, Anna was grateful for having woken up Lane. She was beyond grateful she finally had someone. A friend who she could count on...

And Lane was... confused—but she didn't want to stop being confused for Anna.

Lane figured she was ready to make a fool of herself to her own mind if it meant keeping Anna close.

---

**The Next Morning**

Dmitry knocked loudly on the door. "Anna!"

Grumbling, Anna groggily poked her head out into the merciless cold of the Siberian morning.

"Whaaaat?"

Dmitry answered, "You're late. It's your turn to scout the city limits with Greg, remember? Be out in 5."

This made Anna grumble again.

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, Anna began to sit up.

"Fine—"

Lane sleepily tugged Anna's waist tighter in a hug. "Mm, no. Five more minutes..." Lane closed her eyes again as Anna looked down at her.

A second later, a scream pierced the Roktov manor.

[writerformanymuses]

so.... yeah.... pinning this and heading out on an internet break. read for context if you want otherwise queue is full. see you boobs in a bit.

i feel like i want to turn on a vlog cam shane dawson style and just do a deep youtuber sigh. that seems to be the palpable vibe on this side of the mental break down, but whatever.

okay, the scoop and context. uh, mass deleted my ao3 work, right? douche move. i know. i was completely and utterly manic. few dozen terrible things happened at once, i don't currently and can't afford a therapist, and i just spiralled. i'm gonna bullet point some reasons, but there isn't a logical path to get you to understand my brain. but i'll try?

uh, got approved for life changing surgery that i desperately need after losing 150lb+ pounds. insurance won't cover it, yey american healthcare, and i have to find 20,000 us dollars. high key want to die from that one alone, but ya know, when it rains.

i'm an educator in the american south who teaches history. i'm queer, gender nonconforming, and surrounded by people who openly applaud the current coup happening in my country. my students are unsafe, i'm unsafe, and yet as the adult i'm having to fake for eight hours a day mental stablity despite the fact i want to hysterically sob in front of them. the current regime want to dissolve the DOE which will effect millions of students from k through 12 which is where i am. they want to install fascist mandates into our curriculum and eliminate truth to actively limit or destroy the perspective of people of color, indigenous communities, and LGBTQIA+ people. it's black history month, i teach in a majority t1 district, and we've been told to 'pipe down' if we have any concerns. kill me right now, please.

it just was my grandmother's birthday, who was my only healthy example of a parent, and she passed away over a year ago now. that triggered a horrific depressive episode because i am essentially alone with no family and no irl friends. the two people i do have have lives, one is leaving the fucking country to go play missionary in israel for months (including when i have to have said major surgery), and the other lives her own life with her own family thirty minutes away so i'm not a priority (nor should i be)

i have POTS, and the stress of all of the above is causing a flare up, and i keep actively blacking out when i stand up. i still have to be an adult and work, so i have to hide how bad this is getting so i don't lose said job and can afford to live in increasingly expensive and ridiculously unappealing conditions.

i'm autistic and have borderline, so i have very bad processing abilities when being vulnerable so that's how we get this vomit no emotion version here and then me hysterically crying everytime i dare to post a chapter of a fic i care about. the thing i loved most i essentially began associating with hurting me the most to the point where in the mental of an epic crash out last weekend i just blacked out and deleted it. oops. i seem to recall telling my best friend someting to the effect of i'm tired of begging for someone to love me. ????? HUh??? me @ me: dude what?

so yeah, no, all of the above considered, my best friend is coming to spend the weekend with me. i'm going to try and get myself back together, process some things, and try to form a game plan moving forward. i should note i genuinely do feel guilty for the way i handled things last weekend, but the returning logical side of my brain thinks that maybe crash out me was onto something. so for now, i'm staying off AO3 and not returning the series. i have 100k words drafted for part 2, i'm not abandoning it altogether, but i need to have a serious think over it.

i also genuinely don't think that series works in this fandom. even if it has origins in this fandom, the makeup of the fandom is primarily not really interested in what i was starting to lean into. i've been on tumblr since 2010, so i know very well ao3/tumblr want gay sex and the same au's retold in different supernatural or modern settings. and guess what? that's fine! i am a rabid consumer of said content. i just can't write it. i don't want to write it. what i want to write is not want the average audience member wants to read, and so i think i need to pull that material and find a way to turn it into something original. i have ideas how to do so, and so we'll see where that goes.

i am sorry if you did love the series. i do see you and love you and my heart is forever grateful for you. i somehow saved every comment and found the folder on my computer where i did. apparently manic blacked out me did that much to hold onto what mattered, so you can know that much. i have the series all on a google drive folder, and you are more than welcome to view it just message me. i'll happily give you the link. i may come back to it. who knows, maybe when i get my life together, maybe when season 3 comes out, idk. but i think i see something more coming out of it, and i would like to explore that once i take a long lengthy break.

i'm addicted to the internet and have no other outlet, so i will be back sooner than later i think, but i imagine i will be making some changes. i will fill the queue for now, and i'm available on discord @ mathairarrachtaigh if anyone wants it.

thanks again, and if you read this, idk man that's kind of wild and nice and confuses my ass, but thank you anyway.... and i'ma go play witcher 3 and dissociate.

xo, ash

[tiredistic]

"Her Voice Had never sounded so cold" p.2

P.1 | Part one

Pairing: Regina George x Janis imi'ike, Gretchen Wieners x Karen Shetty

Words: 1,195!

Content warning: Slight 18+ Adult themes, Angst, Depictions of mental illness ( depression, anxiety), Alcoholism, Suicidal thoughts and almost attempt? Mention of abusive parents, Crash, suggestive language.

Summary: The Events after the fight.

A/n: Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter, I kinda made like plot twists that were surprises for me as well so.. Actually might just make this a series. Would you like to see Regina and Janis get back together..? idk their relationship seems kinda in the rocks rn >:o

Not proof read <3

It was cold. So fucking cold. Regina drove home in a fuelled rage. Gosh what a bad day it was to rain. The windows of her car started to fog as her breaths got erratic, her grip of the steering wheel doubling as her mind spiralled. Curses spilled out her mouth as she drove, her eyes getting cloudy. 

“SHIT!” She slapped the steering wheel. “Cady Fucking Heron I’m Going to kill you” she seethed. Regina was utterly taken by hatred and sadness. She screamed and yelled her lungs out. Her voice was raw, the rain covered her sobs, the thunder screaming for her. 

She didn't want to go home. She didn't want her mother to see her so weak. Why is she so weak? Why did jeopardize her relationship? Was Janis even anything to her? 

Was she anything to Janis?

She tried to scream. Her throat roared in pain. Her eyes squeezed, her hands shook. Her mind was so fucked up, that she didnt notice how she was going a 95, in a 60mph zone. Regina knew she shouldn't even be driving right now, but she didn't care. What else was there to lose? She loved Janis. And just like that she was taken from her, why should she worry about her own life? 

As the lightning struck, so did another car. It happened so fast, Regina didn’t even get a chance to react.

Her car was hit. The slippery roads made it hard, but Her emotions made it harder. The car slipped across the highway, down by the trees. She tried to make it stop swerving, but it only made it worse, throwing her body around; making the blond gain all sorts of bruises and cuts from her car. She would have screamed. She wanted to, but she couldn't. She couldn't even ask for help. 

Her Jeep almost hit a displaced branch that would have jacked up her car, taking her life. But it didn’t. Her car stopped just in time for it to only slightly puncture her windshield. A part of her wished it would have. She wished it would have gone all the way through.

She stayed staring at it briefly before reality came down like the rain. How could she drive home like this? Even face her mother? Fuck, she was so scared. She didn't want to go to her father. That.. man. She knew her mother would send her. She couldn't go home.

She grabbed her phone, her bag, and tried to open her door. After a while, she got it open. Falling on to the forest ground, the sound from the heavy storm and the highway consuming her. Mud all over her sweats, blood from the crash, and rain. 

“Why did this have to happen to me..” she sobbed, her blonde hair sticking to her face, she stood up, her socks drenched in water. She walked along the highway before meeting an exit and a gas station. She stopped and called a cab. She noticed a car watching her from a distance, some lady with confusion on her face. Regina had no choice but to wait, in the rain, as the wind hit her body.

Gosh it was cold. 

—

Janis sat on her couch watching the local news. A bottle of Regina’s favorite wine, slipping from her hand. Her mind dazed. Why does everything keep getting ruined? It sucked. Couldn't she have something nice for once? It was just starting to work between them, gosh why was she in the wrong. Wasn’t this all Regina's fault anyway? Or was it hers.. Everything is so confusing.

The door was banged a couple of times before it was opened. Damian rushed in to see what Janis meant over text, “gays n gals stick together.” which was their code phrase for “some extreme shit just happened, come over.” Uppon seeing the girl, he knew.

“Oh my gosh.” Damian muttered before giving aid to the obviously not okay queer on the couch. He took the bottle out of her hand, placing it down before taking the short girl to her bedroom. He picked her up with ease, her body limp from the wine.

“She's gone.” Janis murmured quietly, hugging him.

“I know.” He added softly.

Damian gave Janis a soft knowing look. He covered her with the covers and turned off the lights, going back into the main room. The TV was still on the local news. As he went to turn it off, he froze because of the irony.

“A Hot Pink Jeep Wrangler was just caught swerving off the I-88 highway, at 9:46 today. Severity of the crash was notable, and the driver is currently not at the scene.”

“Witness, Kaitie Gordon saw it all, she says, ‘It's so sad to see these things happen especially to such a pretty car, and such a pretty girl.’”

“So you saw the owner of the car?” The news reporter asked, “Yeah, I saw her walking down the highway down to the gas station maybe? Then got into some car. Blonde, distraught, she was young too. I would have said something, I didn't connect the dots in time, sorry.”

Damian shut off the TV, “Oh my gosh, Janis what the fuck happened..” he wondered to himself. He decided to finish tidying up the apartment before taking his leave, his mind spiraling over what could have happened between the two “girlfriends.”

 –

Gretchen pulled Karen in, they were making out on Gretchen’s bed. Their mouths barely disconnecting, Karen pulling at Gretchen’s clothing, the room was hot, and the attitude was intense. They briefly pulled away for air, but was quickly drained back into kisses, Karen's breath catching in her throat. They moaned into eachothers mouths, their bodies grinding and rubbing each other, their night garments threatening to lift ever so slightly.

The door-bell rang frantically, the banging on the door was aggressive. They slowly pulled away from each other, annoyed slightly, but also confused.

The knocking had to be Regina, it's how Regina always did it. But at 11:34 PM? 

“Stay here, I’ll get it,” Karen giggled, tapping Gretchen's nose. Karen went to open the door and behold it was Regina. But definitely not the Regina they knew.

Regina’s bag was soaked, so was her whole outfit, her white shirt wasn't a good idea. Her blond hair stuck to her head, an aggressive frown plastered on her face, her breathing was shallow, her eyes were dead, and most of all.. She smelt like the forest, terrain and plants. Gosh this wasn't Regina George.

“Holy fuck you look like shit.” Karen added without a thought, as usual.

Regina just scoffed and pushed her way in, Not paying any attention to Karen's concern. 

Gretchen came out, her face distorting as she looked at Regina. “Oh my lord! What happened!?”

Regina just walked past Gretchen going into the bathroom to fix herself.

After about two hours, she came out, her hair looked better, she smelt like lavender rose, and a pink robe covering her.

She joined Karen and Gretchen in the bedroom, their ears ready for the gossip.

“Cady Heron is going to regret ever living.”

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 24

chapter 41: (over halfway through!)

1. 😐 um, i’m actually giving a death glare right now. wdym marlene has to go back to that arena????

2. okay, fuck that bitch dumbledore. he’s worse than coin. i hope he rots

3. i- all these victors going in are sirius’ friends. or his absolute worst enemies to begin with. OR his own fucking family! and his brother! and there’s a MARRIED COUPLE going in having to fight each other. i- this is the most devastating thing i will ever read

4. “James holds his gaze and hopes with everything in him that Regulus sees the truth in James' eyes when he coldly announces, "I hate him."” 😧

5. it hurts that sirius has ALWAYS tried to protect regulus. like, tried burying him like dogs bones once 😭😭

6. oh. oh shit. remus doesn’t know that sirius is a tribute yet

7. 😐 sobbing actually. wolfstar wasn’t supposed to go through this much pain. yet here we are. my babies being hurt.

chapter 42:

1. i like how once again, it’s pointed out that in this fic and canon, dumbledore has never seemed to care about the individual people if it meant winning a war

2. 👁️👄👁️ wide eyes. what is alberforth about to ask albus to do

3. the ring dorcas is handing marlene is eerily similar to the canon 75th hunger games with the token finnick is given

4. “A war could break out right on the other side of the door, and Dorcas would let it wage on to stay right here, just like this, with Marlene.” GAYYYYYYYYYY

5. “Without any fuss, she starts frantically plucking the rings off of one hand, each clink of them hitting the counter making Marlene groan” 😳😳😳 oh my god i am so gay holy shit

6. god i’m so angry. marlene got help with her drinking, then the night the quarterly memorial was announced, she’s right back at it. i’m not angry at marlene btw. i’m pissed at dumbledore and riddle

7. “"You'll be the last thought I have, you know," Marlene whispers. "Before I die, it'll be you. I just know it."” 😟

8. THE ORDER IS GETTING EFFIE AND MONTY POTTER OUT OF DISTRICT SIX!! FUCK YEAH

9. god i love lily in this fic. she is wonderful, beautiful, kind, caring, and most of all: human. she has faults. she won’t get close to people because last time she did, she lost remus. she smokes. she breaks the rules. she doesn’t always make the perfect move. she makes the human move. i love her so much

10. alberforth >>>>>>>>>> albus

11. god. lily just killed a person. this too is going to haunt her forever

12. 👀 marylily i smell?

13. 😭😭 mary is sprinting in heels

14. god i love that effie is willing to fight everyone for the people (district) she loves

15. CHEERS! barty just shot his father point blank in the chest

16. 😧 i- they just released the disease into the air. i-

17. if ted, tonks, and andy don’t make it out i’m gonna lose my mind

18. 😐 ted’s dead.

[bluecounter]

noah and mirage is making me go crazy.. i have an elaborate fic idea where noah dates mirage’s holoform but didn’t find out till later. im not much of a writer so this is the best i could do

it would be amazing if someone else could rewrite/cleanup this idea because im honestly not doing it justice

————————

Noah is a closeted gay man living in the 90’s and yearns to be with someone romantically. Mirage could tell by the way Noah looks at loving couples in public, especially during their leisure rides. A part of Mirage wishes he could be that for Noah but its hard especially since he is an alien robot much much bigger than Noah. He isn’t too sure how Noah would feel if he knew how he felt.

One day, mirage was looking through some magazine Noah brought and had an idea of creating the ideal holoform that could be with Noah. That could share comfort and love with.

It was all going so well. it started with a little meet cute and it became more, they started dating and sharing secret kisses in public. Mirage thought it was what he wanted. He thought he would be satisfied, but he never felt more lonely. the more time Noah spent with the holoform, the lesser time he did with mirage.

But he pushed through. he knew he couldn’t experience normal human dates with Noah in his alt form, so he took advantage of what he could.

.

He slipped up. He mentioned Peru during one of their human dates in his holoform and a sudden realization just hit Noah. Everything came crashing down. He left, trying to find mirage.

He was questioning everything they had went through together. Was what they had ever real? Was this some joke? Was he fated to never fall in love?

His head was spiraling into confusion and anger and he marched up to Mirage, eyes puffy and red as tears dripped down his cheeks He screamed and cried, begging mirage to explain why he did so. He wanted to know why. he wanted to know if this prank was funny to mirage. He wanted to know if it was all worth it, especially after breaking his heart.

After his rage has calmed, Mirage admits that he created the holoform with be with Noah, but it was not to play with his heart. He wanted to be with Noah, he yearned having Noah by his side and creating a holoform was the closest he could get. he admitted everything and assured Noah that what he said and did through his holoform was 100% genuine.

Noah’s sobs were calmer as he looked at Mirage with his tired eyes. He didn’t know what to say. Deep down he knew he had some feelings for the alien robot but it was already hard to process his feelings as a gay man, so he pushed those feelings away. Being with Mirages’s holoform, which he didn’t know before, made it easier for him to move on because it felt normal. But now knowing it was mirage all along..he felt a little confused.

Noah admits to himself that being with ‘him’ was the best thing that ever happened to his life. He wanted to experience that again. He wanted to love and feel loved, with someone real this time.

Someone who was already right under his nose. or perhaps above his head in this sense.

Meanwhile, Mirage waits for an answer. Despite what Noah will say, Mirage chooses to respect it. He understands and doesn’t want to push any more boundaries. He doesn’t want to lose his friend. his friend which made his life on earth more exciting than it has ever been during his 7 years being stuck on this planet.

Noah finally speaks. He asks mirage to lean closer with his meekly voice, quiet and dry after sobbing his heart out.

Mirage complies and waits for Noah’s rejection. Instead he received a soft peck on his lips, which made his engine fan whir loudly. Noah smiles earnestly as he places his hand on mirage’s cheek.

Noah rested his forehead on mirage’s and they both stayed silent as they embrace each other’s presence.

No words were said but everything felt right when they were together.

[nauticalreads]

“The Only Safe Place Left Is The Dark” Review

Summary

An HIV positive gay man must leave the relative safety of his cabin in the woods to brave the zombie apocalypse and find the medication he needs to stay alive.

Review

I have no words, I am heartbroken. This was so good but so so painful. It was a quick and easy read, but you get sucked it because it's real and raw. (As real as the zombie apocalypse can be).

To have a "old" gay man having to outrun and fight two deadly viruses (Zombie and HIV) only to lose a lover to each one is tragically beautiful and will break your heart.

I could write all day about the symbolism and how it mirrors the pain queer people feel. But the entire time, there is the need for community looming over them, which is sobering. We all need community and I sobbed when Quinton found it in the end.

“They lived for those they lost. Until they could live for themselves again.”

[post-modern-prometheus]

STRANGER THINGS CHARACTERS RANKED BY HOW ANGRY I'D BE IF THEY DIED

from less angry to most

first of all disclaimer: i... like angst. like i'm gonna kind of be giving some hot takes and most of what i'm gonna be doing isn't like "i'll be so sad" it's: narratively that's a stupid move and it diminishes my respect for u as a writer (@ duffers, fic writers do whatever u want)

i'm gonna ignore like. vecna and random villains bc like yeah i'll be happy when u die.

and pls don't bring eddie back, even if my dad would love that. he just likes guitars.

but my first hot take: max mayfield bbg if u don't freaking stay dead i'm gonna lose my MIND. bc i'm still angry they are even hinting at her survival but i've written so much ab this so i'll limit it to: stakes!!! like why does everyone come back!!! it really is cool that they lost and that scene was done SO WELL i was sobbing!!! STOP PLEAASE!!! buuuut i will mention i want her soul whatever to be some guiding force in the upside down and itd be cool n horrific if she "woke up" but it was rlly just the mind flayer and she rlly was gone and they had to kill her!!

murray idc

i'm gonna try not to delve into side characters but i hope ted wheeler is BONES for funsies. like i want the wheelers to be orphaned...

which leads me to karen wheeler my bestie... if anyone has followed me ever u know what she means to me. if we can get the wheeler arc awesome!!! but if she dies, it NEEDS to be as a consequence for not breaking the cycle and staying with ted. PHYSICALLY!!!

steve: im sorry i wouldnt gaf but also we would not hear the FREAKING END OF IT EVERRRR

jonathan: if stancy happens he shld kill himself in front of them changing the trajectories of their lives forever bc wtf. i like him n nancy but also i think if possessed will killed him early on a la jean grey then i would be so happy and be able to say ive called it since like s2. OH AND IVE ALSO ALWAYS SAID THIS JOYCE FOCUSING ON PROTECTING ONE SON SO HARD SHE LOSES THE OTHER <333

do i start the mike paragraph now? bc there are multiple different facets of this take. but i'll keep it simple and i'm happy to elaborate: if he's straight kill him. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH. like give him smth to dooooooo. except u literally won't have earned that so idk but i want smth to happen with him if hes not gay bc he's me and I'LL WANT TO DIE. im actually having a hard time writing ab the possibility of mike being straight bc it's so unfathomable to me LMAO. whatever. i like angst and itd be fun. except i rlly think he's surviving bc of that one leak with hop.

dustin, i also feel like ppl are annoying af ab and infantilize him so let him go thru some shit this is the interdimensional eldritch horrors show.

nancy: i kind of want all the wheelers to die and kind of like be that one family that just. went away. like literally embodiment of forced conformity gone. but as for nancy, i feel like they'd need to write the hell out of it for it to feel right. thats true of anyone tbh.

im kinda in to killing the kids just bc like woo horror show and stakes whatevs but erica is not dying.

robin is like not dying, neither is vickie.

i'd be pissed if hopper died only bc he alr had the fake out death. which SUCK ANYWAY.

if lucas dies im OUT WTF DID HE EVER DO TO ANY OF U

will and honestly it's bc of the fake out death but MORE SO bc it would undermine ALL the stakes of every season bc what do u mean bob died and will still dies. what do u mean hop gave up el for will and he just dies later. lameeeeeee. give the boy some peace.

im putting joyce higher than will and some of u will crucify me for that but tell me u think they would kill her for her own character/narrative/arc reasons and not to further the development of a man (hopper, will, etc). like she STARTED this show.

if el dies i think that would make me more mad than byler not being canon genuinely, FUCK OFF. the idea of her dying started this whole post bc i saw a tiktok of mbb reacting to el's "ending" and i'm HOPING she was just mad bc mlvn is over. PLEASE (like esp if byler is canon bc WDYM SHE WOULD DIE AFTER HER AND HER BF BREAK DIEEEEE)