#THAT IVE BEEN IN SINCE FUCKING JULY
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i hate not being able to unpack like i NEED to get into a mf let agreement ASAP 😭😭
#stream#also i love bags#yea i used dirty socks to clean up spilled beer fuck u#it’s literally midnight.30 & i told myself i’d be in bed an hour ago#girl i’m just#STILL IN THAT LIMBO OF WANTING TO SETTLE BUT FUCKING CANT#THAT IVE BEEN IN SINCE FUCKING JULY#& IM STILL IN IT 😭😭😭#i just want classes to start so bad i just need a fucking schedule so bad#also mondays will be miserable but it’s fine#literally i’ve a 9am then my last class ends at 7pm 😭😭😭😭#BC OF THE FUCKINNG JAPANESE !!!!!!!!! maybe i should’ve just done welsh#i’ve been wearing those pants for 3 days ALSKALKSALKSALSKLAKSLA#also i’ve been chainsmoking but we know that#i’m soooo tempted to get a vape but i just listened to a vape podcast today & did u know that vapes are the same thing as smoke machines#ALSKALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSLQ#& some of the vape flavours literally … eat through the plastic petrie dishes#vaping episode of Science Vs#yes i’ve 2 water bottles bc they’re from tesco meal deals ALSKALSKALSLALSLALSKALSKALKSAL#that i haven’t even eaten literally all i’ve had since like 4 is 750ml of beer#& many cigarettes#girl i hate living in a ‘community’ like everyone ‘got a spare fag?’ like YES I DO :D then i give it away & go wait#i needed that#ALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSALSKQL#I JUST LIKE BEING NICE !!!!! like of course my darling i’ve a smoke for u ❤️#don’t ask for a joint bc u ain’t gettin that from me#that will be my own holy water#once i get my hands on some weed …#girl i’m probably not even going to smoke here like ALSKALSKALSKALSKALKSALKSALS#i feel like i can wait until i go home for christmas like 😭😭😭
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was it casual when i sat in your lap in public? was it casual when i said "recently my heart is crying because you're leaving"? was it casual when we decided how your last name would fit with mine? ("yuki tsunoda-gasly" / "no tsunoda, only gasly" / "yuki gasly?") was it casual when we sang adele's "someone like you" together at your going away party? was it casual when i knew it was you just by touching your ass? was it casual when i knew it was you by smell alone? was it casual when "will you miss me?" / "for 2-3 minutes maybe" / "i'll take that. even if it's just 2-3 minutes, i'll take that"? was it casual when that bus was completely empty and we still sat right next to each other, all the way in the back? was it casual when i picked you up multiple times so you could dunk a basketball? was it casual when i begged to come over to your house multiple time and then you finally let me and we cooked fried rice together? was it casual when we played christmas twister together and i said "your big eggplant is touching my ass"? was it casual when we were pressed up against each other on a scooter going two miles per hour? was it casual when-
#edit: tinytauris fact checked my post and they sang 'hello' not someone like you & it was 'your big monster' not eggplant#everyday i think about the fact that yukierre should've been what lestappen is now#i should be able to go on the yukierre tag on ao3 and it should say 'showing 1-20 of 6745'#they were genuinely so fuckingg weird about each otherrrrrr#im being so serious when i say that if they ever came out as gay/bi/whatever i really wouldnt be surprised#literally just 'okay?? fork spotted in kitchen cmon now' moment#anyway i think about that moment on the bus soooo often#will you miss me? / maybe for 2-3 minutes / ill take that then. even if it's just for 2-3 minutes ill take that#hwat the FUCK#i was going 'gay gay homosexual' everytime i saw them together#yukierre#yuki tsunoda#pierre gasly#also im like 90% sure that everyting i worte down actually happened but if i wrote smth down that didnt happen#and my yukierre infested brain just conjured up please let me know#also ive had this is in my drafts foreverrrr (re: since july) so if this has already been done im so sorry#i always feel like such a loser making posts about driver relationships lol#like 'oh look at that weirdo that got too invested in people she doesn't even know'#whatever im getting to introspective now#1k
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man i really do need to put in some more work on actually Making Things other than vaguely incomprehensible posts abt characters huh
#im sorry ive been artblocked since early july its not my faultttttttt#head in hands. ive always been slowwwwww but i cant expect !!! ppl to Only Appreciate essays hidden under a readmore !!!#i need to actually make and post some shit . i donttttt want to fall into this trap again.#however. such is the curse of being the worlds fucking slowest artist#“your value is not measured in how other people percieve you'' YEAH BUT WHAT IF I WAS APPRECIATED THOUGH
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and now for something stupid
#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it#and i think i can make it look better now#AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines#anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three#phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE#he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho#but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies#and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her#theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak#i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track#as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality#except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life#but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead#i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity#but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig#this will never be cleared up by anyone ever#but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL#finn's ocs#finn's art
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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HEY MINECRAFT STORY MODERS.... posting this here so i can hype myself up to finish it. but. ive got a fic cooking in the works. centered around radar and his inner turmoil just after That Fucking Torture Scene in s2 e3. if youve read my previous analyses on him this might make more sense but its okay... i just mostly came here to see if anyone's interested. so far it's. pretty crazy. i plan on also posting an annotation/kind of author's notes on some hidden details and meanings and symbolism because it gets really crazy here.
here's a few snippets. not many because i want most of it to be a surprise but how are we feeling about this one.
^ also yes. in said fic they/them will be used for jesse and radar's heavily implied autistic.
i've thought a LOT about my characterization of him here and it will be kind of insane in a good way. yeah. so just interact with this post if it sounds interesting. can be a comment or a like or whatever...... but i Will post the ao3 link once it's done so keep an eye out for that !!!!!!
#mcsm#minecraft story mode#mcsm radar#ive been working on this since like. august i think?#maybe july. idk#the tone of this fic is really quite serious. bit angsty ig? idk how to describe it#but it's. in my analyses ive determined he really doesnt hold himself to the highest standard#and kinda puts the order on a pedastal#above himself#so that shows up a lot here. it's mostly going into his thoughts which. Yeah#plus it's right after that fucking literal torture scene which i will say was very likely traumatic#so Yeah. interesting thoughts!#i promise i will finish it LMAO#minecraft story mode radar#radar mcsm#trevor.txt
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It's the STUPIDEST reason in the world too like ???? Can we stop. Can we PLEASE stop.
like the amount of energy I put towards fucking. Mourning relationships is so bad. It's so fucking bad!! It's taking a physical toll on me to the point where I'll puke if I think about it too long and that's so bad!! And yet I do not think I'm capable of not submerging myself in what-ifs and impossible scenarios. bitches are so desperate for attention that they'll cling to the most bare bones interactions and hope to pray to God that miraculously things will be okay again and I'm bitches!! what is my DEAL! I hate me fr!!
#its the fucking... 'i dont want better i want what i had“ mentality that ive p much been wrestling w since i lost my best friend#truly. do not know how to cope with shit. all i can do is cry bc I'm too afraid to do anything damaging to my own body physical or otherwise#is this going to be the rest of my life. cycles of loss with shorter and shorter moments of reprieve in between#will my attachment to people ever not hurt me#i wish i felt nothing at all. hate feeling everything. why is heartbreak and envy my default state of being AGHHHHH#dude. im just. man. the feminine urge to stuck hot needles in my brain#summer of spirals fr goddamn i was miserable all of July and it doesnt look like itll improve soon! fuck my stupid little life!
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ouepwjefpnjw i wanna post the first chapter of my fic but im reading it and second guessing every single line i wrote ............. one thing about me im gonna spend forever editing and re-doing something because i need it to be perfect and it never will be. this is why i cannot write serious/longer-form fic lmao i cant bear to release it because i will spend my entire life working on it and then i'll kms if nobody likes it. i need to watch cj the x's 7 deadly art sins video again im going to art hell fr
#also the seasonal depression is cooking me rn i cannot form a single coherent thought#ive been trying to read more lately bc imo that's crucial to becoming a better writer#but there's baked beans where my brain is supposed to be#ive been working on this shit since july i think. it's never gonna see the fucking light of day#i want to write it completely before i post it bc posting 1 chapter at a time would not work for me the way i jump around#and work on all chapters at once. and realize oh i should have foreshadowed xyz more or whatever#but im trying to force myself to post just 1 chapter so i can convince myself it's not that scary... alas i fear this one will die with me
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"hes so mobile out there, has such a good stick and smooth skater and obviously its nice to have a swede as your partner 😀" another dman has come tottling in with good things to say about forsy while standing in front of his stall
in other news water is wet
nashville predators @ florida panthers doubleheader game 2 postgame interview | 9.22.24 (x)
#adam boqvist#gustav forsling#florida panthers#2425#preseason#do you know how much ive been dying for adam to finally bring up forsy#DO YOU KNOW#SINCE FUCKING JULY IS THE ANSWER#because jesper brought up forsy in early intro pressers to fl media and he said he met him a couple summer agos#and i was like theres such a likely chance adam has at least done the same#and ive WAITED SO LONG JUST FOR HIM TO GO its nice to have a swede as a partner WHILST IN FRONT OF HIS STALL#THE PAYOFF HAS BEEN GREAT#“unreal player and even better person” ADAM PLEASE ELABORATE#countrymen... i see i see
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.
#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation#saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me.#im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am#my friend? asleep.#now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST#like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen#because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message#saying that im going out for croissants and coffee#because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july#ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea)#i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!!#so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed)#im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning#hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed)#i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey#google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right.#so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place#as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction#i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame#and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out#somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo#he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did#and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way.#i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better#i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat#and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him#so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel#and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us#AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts!#and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story
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Art summaries by month are hard for me because I tend to do most my drawing in one month as opposed to around the year
#art summary#oops I forgot to draw in December. a lot has happened#i had finals so i was stressing over that and a day before my first final i had a death in the family#so i had to go in the next day after that lmao. I don’t know if it affected me much but#I recently told my friend about it and about another incident that happened in july and I got choked up about it.#but i hadnt talked to him since February so maybe i was just happy to talk to him#anyway i failed that final. it was so fucking funny. i failed another final because I missed some important test material#so it was just two hours of me going what the fuck I didn’t study for this???#in a crazy turn of events I got 100% on my discrete math final#absolutely fucking incredible. i failed 4 quizzes because i was playing re4 and i aced the final#THE MATH FINAL. FOR THE MATH CLASS IVE BEEN CRYING ABOUT FOR 4 YEARS#anyways i started playing monhun world and totk again and i decided to plat re4 on the ps4#thats why i haven’t been drawing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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the code vein struggle continues. so i actually activated the mistle near that second boss. the poison flower thing. and i've been just dashing past that group of enemies to avoid having to fight them and potentially use healing or lose health and that has been working so far. but i continue to struggle with the boss itself. i'm pretty good at getting it down to like 25% or so, i've gotten it down to like 10% a few times, but just in that final stretch i end up using the last of my healing, my partner dies, and ugh. i spent an hour fucking around in there and did not get any progress so i decided to just call it a night before i wanted to break something. i am glad i'm making progress though at least with like. how much of the boss i can wear down quickly so that's something at least
#shay speaks#julie plays: code vein#<- i realize i havent been using this tag i'll try and add it to the old posts#but anyway i spent 4 days downloading this game im not about to give up over a skill issue#i love the atmosphere of it though and i'm super curious about the story so im really trying to stick with it#but augh im just. not that great of a gamer especially since my mouse isnt always responsive to clicks#so its really hit or miss if i can actually swing my weapon. uuuuu ive been having a fucking time with that#i should just get a mouse pad and see if that helps
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hi i think im finally gonna get my voe letter . in an act of desperation i called my hr number again knowing it'd be pointless bc its all automated and when it asked what i wanted i sarcastically said "real person -_-" not expecting it to fucking say "request agent?" and i was like ugh no and did a double take and went YEAH REQUEST AGENT and like after months of no one being able to help i finally got in contact with a real person and now im finally getting one written up omg. all it fucking took was for me to keep being a sarcastic cunt i hate it here
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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