#Suicide Idealation

[purplecatghostposts]

oh my god, i love your MH time travel idea. did you have any other ideas for it??

OH BOY DO I

(Referring to this!)

Warning, this may be… Incomprehensible. I just have a lot of ideas and they aren’t fully fleshed out so I’m just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Hope you like a wall full of spaghetti, Anon!

- While going back in time reverses the physical effects that Operator Sickness had, they all still carry the trauma of its effects and what happened during it, so while only Tim is experiencing symptoms (though currently managing them with his medication), they aren’t completely off scot-free.

- I imagine it takes them a minute to realize exactly how many people woke up with memories of the previous timeline. I feel like Brian would want to tell someone and that someone would end up being Tim and then they’d both realize they remembered and compare notes

- I HC Seth and Sarah as roommates so they immediately find out as well. Amy and Jessica too. Pretty much the only person that thinks they’re in this alone at first is Jay but fortunately that doesn’t last too long because maybe Brian starts trying to subtly figure out if anyone else has any memories by asking questions only someone who knew would know, and finally Tim, Jay, Brian, Seth, and Sarah all realize they’re on the same page.

- Imagine their shock and suspicion when they realize Alex is not. Further suspicion that only grows when Amy and Jessica show up meaning Alex is the only one who doesn’t remember. Maybe they try and test him to see if he’s faking it and if he’ll slip up.

- He doesn’t. Alex really doesn’t remember anything.

- There are… Lots of things to work out. Not just with where to go next but there’s still some animosity within the group and especially regarding the members of ToTheArk. Influenced by an otherworldly being or not, it’s still something they need to resolve. Not to mention, Amy points out that Alex was influenced too, an argument that keeps being brought up because nobody really knows what to think. Alex killed people, but how much of that was Alex and how much of it was something else entirely?

- Meanwhile, Alex just really wanted to work on his film but while he can location scout and work on the script all he wants, without actors, it’s not really gonna go anywhere, and his actors keep finding excuses to put it off.

- Alex has no idea what’s going on with everyone because Tim and Jay are polite at best and usually tense around him, Jessica keeps looking at him like she doesn’t know what to think, Brian can’t seem to make up his mind, Seth and Sarah flat out refuse to be in a room alone with him, even Amy is acting distant. He feels like he’s missing something but he doesn’t know what and nobody is telling him. All the conversations he catches sound like nonsense too so he’s pretty much completely in the dark too.

- Since Alex is out and about location scouting, he ends up catching the early stages of Operator Sickness. The next time he gets into a coughing fit in front of any of them, they freak out and Alex doesn’t get why.

- The arguments get worse. They can’t tell if Alex is doomed to repeat the cycle and if they need to take him out in order to prevent it, or if they can make sure he doesn’t turn out the same this time

- Being around Alex makes them all conflicted. Because this Alex is the Alex that they became friends with in the first place and they missed this version of him a lot but it’s one thing to miss it and another thing to get it back, especially considering a good chunk of them last remember dying because of him before waking up in the past. They don’t know if they can trust him, or if they’ll just get hurt all over again if they get attached

- Their distance from Alex causes a lot of internal issues for Alex himself. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out he’s the odd man out here, and the problem they have. He just doesn’t understand why and it’s frustrating but whenever he gets frustrated, it just drives them all further away and makes it worse. He doesn’t know what to do.

- Then maybe (still deciding on when), one day, Alex wakes up. And he remembers everything and understands better than ever. He doesn’t blame them. He didn’t help them at all in the end. But maybe he can now.

- In order to stop the sickness, it’s best to cut it off at the source. Alex doesn’t know what he can do against a monster like that but since it no longer has such a tight hold over him, he can do something this time. He has to do something. And if he dies trying? Then at the very least, it can’t use him against them anymore.

- While Alex does try to stand up to the Operator, it goes rather poorly. Fortunately, someone finds him unconscious somewhere (maybe Brian), drags him back to one of their apartments, and they have a talk when he wakes up. They’re still not the most comfortable around him but suffice to say, Alex regaining his memories and immediately choosing to attempt to fight the Operator proves that he’s not gonna repeat the same mistakes twice, solving that matter at the very least.

- Cue a whole lot of healing while attempting to figure out a way to get rid of a creature beyond their understanding

That’s about what I got! Again, just spitballed ideas, definitely needs some more fine tuning but it’s a start. Hope you enjoyed!

Also ty for the Ask, I love rambling about funny little AUs and it gives me all the more reason to :)

[foppish-twit-with-no-face]

WHAT IF...

What if, when a person commits suicide, it would bring back a person who died? (It HAS to be a person who died by accident or chance, NOT another person who killed themselves or somebody really old)

Would you do it?

[shadowtraveled]

"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

[eddiethebrave]

secret admirer part twenty-two

759 words

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one

Eddie do you ever think about what you’re gonna do after high school? like how am i expected to know what i want to do with my life? i mean, i have another year to think about it but not that much can change in a year you probably wanna do something with music, right? make it big with your band and have people screaming your songs i’d go to every show if i could be your own personal groupie who knows? maybe that’s my calling p.s. have a good time at hellfire tonight i hope you win !!!!! -H

You’d think the win last night would put him in high spirits, and it did. At first. He celebrated with the guys, passed on the get together someone suggested, and drove home feeling proud. It was when he was laying in bed, though, that he started thinking. When he graduates, how often will he be able to ride a high like that? From pure accomplishment?

Steve puts on a brave face for morning practice. He doesn’t wanna drag anyone down with him. He goes through the motions of accepting congratulations and pats on the back from his peers and teachers alike all morning long. 

It only makes him think, though. 

Seriously, what comes after this? More school? Does he accept that internship at his father’s soul sucking company? Does he get a gob and jump right into adulthood?

What it really comes down to is the fact that Steve had never thought he’d have a future. Honestly. He’s getting closer and closer everyday to the next stage in his life, though. The years snuck up on him and now he has to deal with it. 

On a lesser scale, Steve doesn’t like thinking about what life will be like once Eddie graduates this coming May. How is Steve meant to tolerate this hellhole without him? Sure, he’d gone years without really noticing him, but now that he knows what it’s like to have a taste of him in his life, he doesn’t think he could go back. 

The whole thing makes his pulse quicken and sweat begin to bead at his hairline. By the time he makes it to art class, there’s a tension forming at his temples and he’s not looking forward to the headache. He doesn’t think he has it in him to act like everything’s normal. 

For once, Carol doesn’t acknowledge his foul mood. She’s too busy staring at Robin. For the portrait, of course. 

The teacher had informed them today the class is basically a free period and they can choose what to work on or what to not work on. 

Steve sits slumped over the table with his head resting on his folded arms. He kind of wishes Eddie hadn’t put the divider up and also that he had his sunglasses so he could stare at him without feeling weird about it. 

Instead, he rests his eyes and tunes into the sounds of pencil on paper surrounding him. He dozes for a while and has nearly fallen asleep when he’s awoken with a poke to his cheek. 

Steve peels his eyes open, but no one seems to be wanting his attention. There is, however, a piece of paper placed next to his left arm. 

It’s a drawing. 

A stick figure with tall swoopy hair and eerily realistic eyes. 

Steve looks to his left, only to find the culprit still hard at work with his face tucked behind the divider. 

Steve visually fills in the blank and surmises Eddie’s smile probably matches his own. 

Steve doesn’t dare fold the paper. He tucks it into the notebook he has to keep it safe. Throughout the rest of the day, he opens the book just to look at it. When he takes it home, he tapes it to a wall in his bedroom, somewhere he can always see it. 

Eddie did i ever tell you how sweet it is that your club has matching tees? i haven’t seen anyone who doesn’t do sports or the school band have a uniform but it makes sense that other clubs would, too you look good in black, don’t get me wrong, but GOD i thought i was gonna die the first time i saw yours so thanks for that also, while we’re on the subject of how hot you are,  you should wear your hair up more often p.s. sorry about the existential crisis on friday i wasn’t doing too good but i got a pick-me-up eventually <3 -H

twenty-three

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[conceptofjoy]

[braedenhales]

TEEN WOLF MEME [6/8] SCENES ⟹ "MOTEL CALIFORNIA" [3x06]

[lloydfrontera]

i don't buy that lloyd would get over his fear of the restoration of fate that quickly. he was doomed by the narrative for years and now he's supposed to shake it off in less than two weeks? absolutely not, he literally tried to kill himself in order to avoid it, ain't no fucking way he just stopped being scared about it in a couple days i don't believe it

anyway. this is my way of saying that lloyd refused to cross dimensions until he made javier swear that he would kill him with his own hands if there was even a hint of the restoration of fate starting up again. he wouldn't consider going back if it meant putting his family and home in danger again even if it meant being left behind in a place he would've rather died than stay at.

and they both know that javier would fall on his own sword before hurting lloyd but they also know lloyd would take his own life before allowing him to do that or to let his existence put his loved ones in danger again. they know lloyd doesn't really need javier to kill himself, not if he's really committed to it. he's done it before it after all.

him asking javier this is. a warning. of what he's planning to do if the restoration of fate starts again. it's his way of telling javier that he cannot promise things will be okay if he comes back. that he must be ready to lose lloyd again if necessary because lloyd won't allow anything else.

it's also maybe... an indulgence on lloyd's part. he's felt himself die so many times now. and so many of his deaths were painful or terrifying or surrounded by his enemies and sometimes all three at once.

but he remembers a sunset, a coat over his shoulders, shaky yet reliable hands holding a sword. a quick, peaceful death on his own terms, done by someone lloyd trusted with something far more important than his life.

and he knows it's selfish, he knows it's cruel, but if he has to die, for real this time, can't it be at the hands of his best friend? if he has to be killed, can't it be done by someone lloyd knows cares for him? if he has to close his eyes and never open them again, can't the last thing he ever sees be the face of the person he loves enough to die for as many times as necessary?

and javier agrees because. what else can he do. he spent so long hoping lloyd would finally trust him enough to tell him what he was planning so javier could help him in anyway he was able to and now. now lloyd is asking this of him.

he desperately doesn't want to say 'yes'. but he cannot say 'no'.

what else can he do.

what's the point of being the most powerful human on the world if he can't even protect the one person he swore to protect above all things. what's the point of him if the only thing he can do is promise to kill his best friend because he has no other way to protect everything they've worked for.

how can he promise lloyd that everything will be okay, that things will work out, that if needed javier will die for him before letting anything happen to him, when he already failed before.

what else can he do

anyway. i don't think any amount of end spoilers and confessions to the jewel of truth are enough to soothe the terrified, paranoid and utterly traumatized part inside lloyd's chest that goes tight any time anything goes even remotely wrong for a good while. it takes a couple months, maybe a few years even, before lloyd stops going cold every time there's even a hint of trouble around him. before he stops reflexively looking to javier's sword to calm himself down whenever things don't go perfectly right in every way.

it takes a while. but it does happen. and things aren't perfect, that's not how life works, but they're good and even when they aren't, lloyd can finally face them and believe they're not his fault. that his existence is not an obstacle for the happiness of the people he loves.

[bubblespalace]

Hiiii!! I hope ur day is going good !! („• ֊ •„) I really really hope I’m requesting in the right spot (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) Anyways, can you do how the Sakamaki brothers would react to falling deeply in love with someone who is dying and there is no way to prevent it? Take ur time ofc and if there is a character limit and I just didn’t see it you can just choose randomly if you’d like !! Hope u have a good week !! (⌒▽⌒)♡

Bubble: I absolutely love angsty asks so ofc!! Thank you for the love, know I am sending positive energy back! I wanted to make this accurate, so I do mention suicide. Please note, I am not trying to idealize anything. I have struggled with this. But this is how a select few boys would actually think.

Trigger Warning

"Even if it's not something I can prevent, I'll stay. Until your end, I promise. I have never, ever, felt as though I need someone so much... I'd be willing to go after you, if that's what you'd want."

"I refuse to believe there isn't a cure to this. I shall search day and night, no rest. You will not be leaving me... Not when I'm accustomed to you the way I am."

"I'm not allowing what's mine to leave me, chichinashi. I'll get that Tableware Otaku to come up with something!"

"I don't want you to ever leave. Why must I have the most unfortunate luck, to fall in love with the one dolly I can never keep. You must promise to not leave me entirely, please. I love you too much..."

"I'll spend as much time with you as I can, Bitc- ...Y/N. I won't let you have a single bad memory during this time. I'll give you everything, even during your last moments... Why do I have to lose you when I finally have you to care?"

"I don't... I won't be able to go on without you, you know. I'll be dead the moment you die anyway... Just hold on, for as long as possible. For me, please."

[starwrighter]

I have a cold and that’s scarier than anything I could write this October. Tw suicidal idealizations

So! 3/??? Halloween prompt.

Danny is in Gotham because his sister was invited to tour some prestigious school in Gotham because of how smart she is. Danny’s not resentful, truly he isn’t. He’s proud of her. He’s happier for her than he’s ever been for anyway. It’s just… Hard knowing the future his death stole from him.

Seeing his sister succeed while he still has to fight to keep what little remained of his life is bittersweet. He’d never say any of this out loud because he loves her and she’s one of the only people he can truly count on to support him.

After a few days in Gotham with all these bitter and depressing thoughts Danny start to believe that he needs to die. He doesn’t want to kill himself he just… Wants to not be Fenton or phantom anymore. He doesn’t want be the stupid failure of a kid in a family full of geniuses. He doesn’t want to be seen as a villain or hunted for trying to help people. He’s just so, so so so tired and just want’s to not deal with any of this anymore.

Danny goes ghost for the first time since entering this city. Sitting on a roof with his head tucked in between his legs. When he hears someone drop behind him going on this whole spiel on “Not jumping,” it strikes him as odd because the usual response to seeing phantom is anything but compassion. Danny waves the guy off with a mournful smile and a reassurance of “I think you’re a bit too late to save my life, most that’d happen now is me phasing through the core of the earth”

The guy sits next to him, shocked when his attempts of patting Danny’s shoulder passes right through. Danny can’t help but snicker. “Don’t worry about me I’m still new to the whole ghost thing,” he looks disturbed at Danny’s response but not in the way people usually did when they saw phantom. He introduces himself as nightwing and Danny finally recognizes him as one of Gotham’s vigilantes.

“How do you do it?” The question spills out of his mouth bitterness leaking into his words. Nightwing looks confused.

“Everyone loves you guys, everyone trust’s you,” his eyes water as he speaks

“No matter how many people I save, how many buildings I stop from collapsing and criminals I stop, they still paint me as this monstrous villain,”

“I can’t believe I died for this shit,” Danny scowls, Nightwing is speechless. Danny then decides that he doesn’t want to be turned in to the GIW by a vigilante and dips.

Dick and the entire fam who were listening to the entire encounter are horrified because apparently there is a child who fucking died being a vigilante and people are attacking for it?! They make the connection with the ghost dick talked to and phantom but not the connection between phantom and Danny Fenton. Danny is very confused when the entire justice league comes down on amity park the moment they get home.

[tubborucho]

Tubbo and Badboyhalo – I look in the mirror and remember when I saw/know that I will see you as a reflection

taglist: @pastelvangelion @smallz-o @salineroses @dynamicworms @cindersnows @deadfishisyeq @snyland @missstrawberry @frubbotoxicyuri @haloberry @thecardboardbutterfly @avianchorus @qtubbo @an-egghead @kadextra

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credits:

1. https://pin.it/1nZjUdS

2. N/A

3. @.dvoyd

4. “So Far So Good: Final Poems” Ursula K. Le Guin

5. “Broken Hierarchies: Poems” Geoffrey Hill

6. “House of Earth and Blood” Sarah J. Maas

7. @.warpromised

8. “How to Cure a Ghost” Fariha Róisín

9. “Dance Dance Dance (The Rat, #4) Haruki Murakami

10. @.aesterismos

11. https://pin.it/1afKWH0

12. https://pin.it/23agLaj

13. https://pin.it/1Bdwsi6

14. “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” Ottessa Moshfegh

15. @.ostolero and @.charlotteinfinityxx

16. darkoceans, the washed up collection

17. https://pin.it/3jictRn

18. twt: @.yuriando

19. “English Song” Fernando Pessoa

20. “Prayer for the Newly Damned” Ocean Vuong

21. @.mjalti

[khaopybara]

❝My wife.❞

LEE SOOHYUK as PARK JOONGGIL and KIM HEESUN as KOO RYEON episode 14 of TOMORROW

[goldenrodchef]

What will you do if you can't get everything you want, and you have to choose? You can't ignore that possibility forever.

I'm going to be human again. Stop saying that I won't be!

I'd rather die than be stuck like this for the rest of my life.

[infinitexmuses-archive]

@kitxkatrp from here

She didn't think too much about the fact that she had been pulled away from anything, she didn't even realize she had nearly gotten hit. Hell, even if she did notice, she likely wouldn't have cared. No one should be driving in this weather anyways.

Her clothes and body felt cold as if she had been in this weather for hours. Her gaze managed to focus on the other, eventually. Even if she wasn't able to look at him properly at the moment. She was just focusing in on the voice, too mentally exhausted to properly focus. But the realization that someone was talking to her was kicking in, and she barely managed to comprehend what he was saying. ". . . I'm sorry."

She wouldn't want to die with other people around if it actually worked for once.

[ceriseo]

the only change i'll actually be mad about is still just nettles sorry. cut daeron? lowkey a boring flop anyway. replaceable! alicole sex scene? okayy lets bring on the catholic guilt and hypocrisy. no maelor? whatever i trust them. but my daughter... my beautiful daughter nettles who disproved valyrian blood purity and used nothing but cunning and wit to take a power held exclusively by ennobled dynastical tyrants, crumbling their whole egotistical worldview with one move. screaming crying throwing up. wheres my giiiirl where is she...

[conceptofjoy]

yeahhh so if rose was raised by bro she would be this 🤏 close to ending jt all at any given moment if how her relationship to doc scratch is anything to go by. in a no game scenario, she’d try to stubbornly stick through bro’s abuse until convinced otherwise by her friends and leave home before 18. while bro and rose are an interesting pair thematically, it wouldnt be any good for her.

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)