#So like 6th most moral thing a person could possibly do

[thefaestolemyname]

Internet Archive just sent me an email reminding me they have tons of free audiobooks and uh I figured I should pass the message along.

The Internet Archive has tons of free audiobooks

Universal Access to All Knowledge for the win!

[qqueenofhades]

I understand how important it is to be able to criticize the President, and am not at all of the belief he should be beyond critique, but the critiquing of Biden makes me so nervous. (That's not to say I agree with every decision he's made - I absolutely do not). But I feel like people see things he's done wrong and decide they won't vote for him because of it. I'm not sure if enough people have the ability to see that he's done things wrong but also is our only hope of staving off literal fascism.

So many people talk about how sick they are of it constantly being a lesser of two evils situation, constantly having to vote for a candidate they hate because the other side is worse (I heard it in 2020, 2022, etc), and I guess I just- I don't really get it? We're here because they didn't do that in 2016. All of this could've been avoided had the result been different then. I just feel like people don't comprehend how different of a place we'd be in if Hillary won and engage in all this cognitive dissonance to make themselves feel better about being part of the reason she didn't.

Like.... this has been a long-running topic of discussion on my blog, not least because it is so inexplicable and maddening. It also shows how terribly shallow most people's understanding of the American political process is, and how toxic the "I can only vote for a candidate if every single personal belief/position of theirs matches mine" belief is, as well as how much damage it has done to American democracy even (and indeed, especially) by people who technically don't identify as right-wing. Yell at Republicans all you like (God knows I do, because they're the worst people on earth) but they vote. Every time. Every election. Every candidate. Whereas the Democratic electorate still holds out for Mister Perfect, and it very definitely is Mister Perfect. The amount of "evil HRC!!!" Republican-poisoned Kool-Aid that so-called progressives drank in 2016, and then afterward when they insisted they could have voted for someone like Elizabeth Warren and then didn't do that in 2020, is... baffing.

Frankly, I don't care if Hillary Clinton's personal positions on XYZ issue were the most Neoliberal Corporate Centrist Shill to Ever Shill (and Online Leftists' intellectual skills being what they are, I seriously doubt that they were using any of those words correctly and/or accurately). American policy is not made by "personal dictate of the ruler," or at least it shouldn't be, because we are not an absolute monarchy. We rely on the operation of a system with input from many people. As such, if Hillary had been elected, we would have 2-3 new liberal justices on SCOTUS and have secured civil and environmental rights for the next generation. Roe would be intact, and all the other terrible rulings that SCOTUS has recently handed down wouldn't have happened. We wouldn't have had January 6th, the attempt to stage a coup, all the tawdry scandals, our national security being at risk because of Trump stealing classified documents and probably selling them to Russia and/or Saudi Arabia, etc etc. If you think that's in any way an equivalent amount of evil to what would have happened if Hillary was elected, or if she was "still evil!!!," then I honestly don't know what to tell you. She could fucking murder puppies in her spare time if she had preserved SCOTUS for us, WHICH SHE WOULD HAVE, BECAUSE SHE WARNED US EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

(Hoo. Sorry. Still steamed. 2016 war flashbacks, again.)

In short, Hillary would have been a solid continuity Democrat and she would have signed whatever legislation a Democratic House and Senate passed, not to mention been hugely inspiring as the first female president. But because it's so important to the Online Leftists' moral sense of themselves that BOTH PARTIES ARE THE SAME!!!, they can't possibly acknowledge that ever being a factor, and/or admit that they have any culpability in not voting for her in 2016. It's like when you read the British press about any of the UK's equally numerous problems, and they BEND OVER BACKWARD to avoid mentioning that Brexit might be a factor. They just can't mention it, because then that means they might have made the wrong choice in pulling for it as hard as they did, and blah blah Sovereignty.

Basically, if HRC had been elected president, everything would be so much less terrible and terrifying all the time, we would be talking about her successor in 2024 as someone else who could be the "first," we could explore handing the reins over to Kamala as a Black/Asian woman, we could promote Buttigieg as the first gay president, etc etc. But because 2016 was so catastrophically fucked up, we are in damage control mode for the immediate future and every election is just as pivotal. And yet, because people think that the only thing that matters is a presidential candidate's personal views, we're stuck having the same old arguments and desperately begging people over and over to please vote against fascism, since that somehow isn't self-evident enough on its own. Yikes on Bikes.

[rythmicjea]

Can you write an Lody endgame analysis

This is a very interesting ask to me for many reasons. I have only ever watched the show, in its entirety, once. And I only did it to see how close I was to it after writing the majority of The Suite Adult Life. When I was a teenager, my grandmother said to me, "a good writer can take something they don't want to write about and turn it into something they do." I've kind of lived by that since. Did I want to write a Z&C fanfic? No, I did not. Did I want to write something that would aid me through the grief I was experiencing? Yes I did. And voila! TSAL was born.

So, I'm going to answer this, but it won't be in the way it is requested. This will be split into two parts. The first is addressing the characters directly and the second will be addressing the tropes the characters represent.

Lody...

The pairing of Cody and London within the Suite Life universe was never a possibility. This is for a multitude of reasons. The first, and the most important, is that Brenda Song, the actress of London is five years older than Dylan & Cole Sprouse. When the pilot aired it was just before Brenda's 17th birthday. The twins were thirteen but they played the ages of eleven (because they were so small). By the time the twins were of an age where any romantic storyline could be portrayed it would literally be breaking the law. The law of consent in California is 18. Disney, being the family oriented network that it is, would never cross that line.

Another example of this is Zack's crush on Maddie. Ashley Tisdale is seven years older than the twins. The show does a wonderful job addressing how such an age difference is inappropriate (even though they are only supposed to be three years apart - Maddie is in high school and the twins are in the 5/6th grade). Zack tries to flirt, she always turns him down.

Disney channel shows are not very complex and overall continuity in sitcoms were still a relatively new thing. Speaking of continuity, a little factoid that doesn't get mentioned is that London is twenty-one when she finally graduates high school. She and Maddie are the same age. Maddie, from what we can discern does graduate high school but London, due to her absences and lack of comprehension of the material continues to get held back. (In the series finale, London learning Spanish is an homage to the play The Miracle Worker about Helen Keller. "Aqua?" refers to Helen Keller learning how to speak and her first word is "Water?") So, with London being able to legally drink and the other students of her class being younger than the legal age of an adult definitely makes this problematic.

These legal issues are why actual teenagers are never (if rarely) cast in teen dramas like Riverdale. The actors being adults allows for the showrunners to explore situations and themes that teenagers get themselves involved in but without the legal consequences.

Because of this, London was never coded to be endgame with any of the other cast. It was morally, ethically, and legally wrong to even chance going down that path.

The Beauty and The Nerd...

However, if the characters were adults (during college for example) then this formula is time-tested and generally approved of. You have a character who is not very bright academically, but smart in their own way. They generally have a street smarts about them or they have been exposed to a social climate that the other has not. And then you have the quintessential "nerd". The person who is ranked first in the class, has hobbies that are considered "weird" and the like.

The reason why these two characters work is because on the surface they seem like opposites. The "dumb" one is attractive and the "nerd" is ugly (even though they never actually are). One is into what people consider "superficial" and the other is into "science" or academically challenging subjects. But that's about where it ends. Because when you look past these trivial issues, you see that the two characters are considered outsiders. They are either misunderstood by their peers or they are isolated from them for various reason. And because of that shared ostracization they are able to find common ground. They are able to change and grow to fit in with society better and expand their worldview thanks to the other has brought (an example of this is Penny and Leonard from The Big Bang Theory).

If we apply these two tropes to the characters of Cody and London we can see how, in other circumstances, the writers might have put them together and why. Cody and London basically grew up together so they have a history. London might have a mean streak she is not a mean girl and the same with Cody. Cody is kind of a dick when he gets older, leaning too much into his ego, but he still has a kind heart. He doesn't have the mass appeal that his twin does, but he does have an endearing quality about him. The same with London. London is portrayed as "very dumb". She does things that make no sense (because they are mostly written for comedic effect) but she has an affinity for animals and is incredibly sharp when it comes to them, fashion, and business. Overall, the pair compliment each other quite nicely. They would certainly have their conflicts but nothing that would be so detrimental to a relationship to end it.

Conclusion...

In conclusion, there's no evidence to support a "Lody" endgame theory. They were never written to be romantic interests to each other for many reasons. So, the writers never inserted any clues in the background or dialogue to support the pair. However, if you do what I did, which was age them up ten years, and put them on more equal footing, it's easier to create a narrative with the tropes they represent.

As for any other alternative pairings within the show, because of the age of the actors and the network it was on, the show was very straightforward with its intent. Best friends are best friends, romantic interests are stated at the beginning, etc.

[selormohene]

day 126 (monday, november 6th 2023)

On agency and having more options than you think. A large part of what it means to have high agency (or more agency than you might initially have been inclined to think) has always been, not quite to seek out or create more options for action (whether more possible objectives or more possible ways of achieving a given objective), but rather to realise that you “always already,” as the expression goes, have more options than you might initially be disposed to take yourself to have, and to be able to move past (or to dissolve, or simply not to have or see as inhibitions or barriers) the psychological or logistical barriers that you might initially have been inclined to have (or think you have). 

So a lot of this has to do with real options — very often we do find ourselves in binds not of our own making and not under our power to change, which is why the status of having high or low agency isn’t entirely a question of one’s changeable mindset. Someone who has fewer options and less freedom just by that very fact has less agency than someone else not so constrained. But then there’s also a question of imagination — where your mind goes when you’re deliberating about what to do, as well as saliency — what presents itself to your mind, without any concerted effort on your part, as a possibility for action in a given situation. (Side note, I’m borrowing the use of the terminology of imagination and practical deliberation in this context, as opposed to practical reasoning, from Bernard Williams, and I think the replacement here parallels his replacement of morality with ethics, and I think is part of a more general strategy of his of replacing overly philosophical or rationalistic psychological and ethical concepts with less loaded alternatives.) Then there’s also the extent to which your abstract knowledge about the possibilities available for action tends to convert itself into actual action. There’s a difference between the person who’s aware, and even the person who’s acutely and constantly aware, that the world is an open playing field and the person who, in his actions and dispositions, consistently realises the world as an open playing field. The difference is that the second person’s more general habits of mind and action are aligned with that vision of the world in a way that the first person’s aren’t, even if they take it as true. And this needn’t be explained (although it might be) in terms of the notion that the first person unconsciously believes the world is static although he consciously affirms or takes himself to believe that it isn’t. I think it’s more usually just explained in terms of a fundamental misalignment; a part of him, or his ingrained tendencies, is oriented towards the world as towards an immovable, given reality in a way that exerts an inertial force over his entire being.

Anyway, these abstract meditations are actually inspired by a realisation that although I’m in a philosophy program I have the opportunity to essentially study for a de facto math PhD, just by self-teaching math material, and/or taking some math classes, and/or talking to professors, and so on. And, of course, as far as research goes, I could kind of “play the game” in the sense of doing stuff which is adjacent to stuff which the people I’d be working with are interested in, but also look more into doing research in other areas, or whatever. It’s a bit daunting to realise that this is in fact a possibility, because it’s a high bar to meet, and I feel like it’s the sort of thing whose possibility I’d be inclined to start talking myself down from precisely because I don’t know if I’d be able to fulfil it, but still it’s something to keep in mind. I think it’s important to keep yourself in mind of what is possible, and face down what you’d like to achieve or wish to achieve, even if it turns out that you won’t actually achieve most of it, both because it makes you more human and because it increases the pressure on you to do what you want to do instead of giving in to your tendencies not to do what you’d ordinarily be inclined not to do because it’s too hard or whatever. There’s a thought that maybe “pressure” is the wrong way to think about acting according to a vision of what you’d like to do, because really action should be effortless and there’s always a deep reason why you’re not doing what you ought and it's bad to coerce yourself without considering those reasons. And yet, although that may be true, it’s not entirely obvious that the reason in question might not be something like inertia, that is, to be so far down in your physiological hierarchy that it doesn't correspond to a subagent that is meaningfully interpreted as having reasons any more than a thermostat; instead, you might say, all that is worth saying is that you're in a local optimum which you’re probably best off getting out of simply by giving your system a firm whack, as it were.

[creatorofchaos]

Dream SMP’s Pandora’s Vault - the Prison

I think it is important we theorize who could end up in the prison. We, of course are at a disadvantage as we do not know, even vaguely anymore, how the story will progress.

Notes:

Dream has said the prison is for someone capable on December 27, 2020.

He also said that it is NOT for Tommy.

It has been built in such a way that the prisoner would lose all three canon lives, as once again mentioned by Dream.

The last one is important because there would be no point in adding it if Dream did not want to put emphasis on the whole ‘three lives’ thing. If it was someone with less than three lives, then there is no point to mentioning this fact. Checkov’s Gun and all that fun stuff.

This eliminates a large swath of people just on the last point alone. Such names include: Tommy, Philza, Tubbo, Fundy, Quackity, Sapnap, and Schlatt (see Wilbur reaction to game theory video and him realizing that Schlatt still technically has one canon life left).

Another group can be quickly eliminated: the Badlands. They helped build the prison, have wanted to be allies with the Dream SMP, and will more than likely be the prison guards.

One other honorable mention is Dream himself. Although there was a chance he could have been tricked into being locked up in the prison by the angry L’Manbergians, Dream has eliminated such a threat.

So, who does that leave on Dream’s actual threat radar? Techno, Wilbur, Ranboo, Eret, George, and someone else (see below for possible individual)

1. Technoblade - Likely, but Predictable

He has been a fan favorite to be locked up since the prison started. He also fits the two actual requirements above. He’s capable in many aspects of the game and has all three of his canon lives left.

However! Dream and Techno have a oddly positive relationship. There has not been one hint of animosity between the two that wasn’t brushed over with new friendship in a near instant. We all thought Techno would protect Tommy from Dream but when Dream confronted Techno about housing Tommy, Techno said he and Tommy were business partners and he wouldn’t be handing Tommy over to Dream unless Dream wanted that favor turned in. Dream brushed it off and didn’t take Techno’s words as a threat.

Furthermore, why would Dream throw away an ally that shows every reason to side with Dream. Although Techno may be an immovable wall for Dream, Techno is a wall. If Dream leaves him alone, he won’t do anything to Dream. So Techno is no threat to Dream.

It seems that if it is Techno, it would be too predictable. The writing that has gone into this has largely been good at hiding the obvious by using Techno as a scapegoat. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’d do the same here.

2. Wilbur - Unlikely, but Interesting

Why Wilbur? Isn’t he dead? Well, on Doomsday, Ghostbur wanted to be resurrected, which is apparently happening on the 10th of January. As shown by Jack Manifold breaking down death’s door, and regaining his three lives, Wilbur could do the same. (This last bit is based on various posts I saw about jack’s January 6th stream).

So what? Wilbur’s back alive. What’s the big deal? Well, he’d have all three lives back, he’s very capable (and can be quite manipulative), and all of a sudden, has figured out a way to escape death. The three canon deaths rule is something that separates Dream from the peasants of the server. He would feel threatened by someone figuring out how to overcome death, so it would be in his best interest to lock said person up.

Furthermore, Wilbur has always been a threat to Dream, being able to rally people to his side in a way that Tommy can’t, while having the morals Dream himself lacks. A threat to Dream Dominance, if I’ve ever heard of one.

3. Ranboo - Possible, but Pointless

Ranboo has a major drawback that he only shares with Ghostbur: his short term, emotion-driven, memory loss.

He seems like a likely candidate. He’s well liked and could rally the server behind him in a way that echoes of Wilbur’s L’Manberg. He’s highly capable in defeating Dream with those abilities, already allying Techno and Phil to a point where Techno wouldn’t even harm him during Doomsday.

However, Ranboo’s memory loss is his major drawback. If his memory book is altered, he won’t know, and will move on without having been the wiser. Dream knows this and has already proven he is willing to do it, having stolen Ranboo’s book to show his traitorship to L’Manberg. Dream can simply just manipulate Ranboo without ever needing to lock him up. It would be pointless for Dream to use the prison on Ranboo.

4. Eret - Unlikely, and also Pointless

Eret, like Ranboo has a drawback that Dream can easily manipulate: his kingship. Eret, time and time again has proven that he will sacrifice everything else to keep the crown, and thus remain subject to Dream. If he gets too rebellious, Dream can just put another puppet on the throne and wait for the steam to blow over before gifting it back to Eret, restoring their uneasy alliance. Dream doesn’t need to build another prison for Eret because Eret already willingly goes to his prison: the castle.

5. George - Extremely Unlikely, but Extremely Heartwrenching

George is Dream’s one and only weakness. George rarely logs on in the server, which makes Dream appear invincible. However, whenever George is active, he is a constant liability to Dream. He is constantly in danger solely because of Dream’s attachment to him. Any time George is active, Dream’s plans are hindered and have to normally be adjusted accordingly to keep George happy.

What better way to cover a liability than locking it up so it can’t be harmed. Not only is the prison in breakable to escape from, but it is also impenetrable to those who are not familiar with its intricacies.

No one can harm George - and thus, Dream - if they can’t get to him.

6. The Random - CaptainSparklez - Nearly Impossible, but the Most Story Driven and World Building Possibility

Sparklez is very much so a fan favorite for the next YouTuber to join the Dream SMP. He is also highly respected and connected to the current members. He has accepted the canon of Tubbo being his son and Tubbo accepting Sparklez as his dad. The only people who didn’t grow up watching Sparklez play Minecraft are BBH (25) and Philza (32). Wilbur, possibly, would not have been largely influenced by Sparklez as he is 24. However, many of the others have said they grew up watching Sparklez; they were born in Revenge.

More importantly, they all, more than likely, grew up watching Sparklez play Mianite, a role playing server that has many parallels with Dream SMP.

Furthermore, Mianitian Isles just ended before Christmas, right when the prison was finished.

There have been rumblings about the mysterious red egg being connected to the Darkness from Mianite (forgot the AU name) and what better way to actually pull it off.

Dream has a motive to locking up Sparklez for two different scenarios:

1. If Dream is actually evil because of the red egg - the Darkness - he would want to lock up a world hopping Sparklez so that the Captain couldn’t foil the plans of the Darkness.

2. If Dream is not evil because of the Darkness but some other reason, he still wouldn’t want someone with a just moral compass unconditionally allying Tubbo, and thus Tommy, against him. What better way than locking up the Captain the moment he joins the world, never able to even contact his son of his arrival.

Sparklez, even without his Mianitian demigod status, is more than a capable adversary. The mans was built around puzzle maps, parkour challenges, and escapes. He even has done adventure maps where he has escaped prisons, on many more than one occasion.

He also, you know, has three lives upon entering.

I’m not saying I have a clear favorite, but I have a clear favorite.

Melt me know what you think down below!

[cashewally-sarcastic]

It is hku’s 6th month anniversary, and it’s been a growing theme (tradition?) that I tend to write essays for said occasion, most of them being jokes. But instead, today I present a different kind of essay, one that isn’t written as a joke for once. This is an essay focusing on the grey morality of hku, and focuses on Siv as the example of said grey morality. Because of this, I do have to warn that there are major story spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t read hku or aren’t caught up to current events, I would recommend not reading this! This essay isn’t going anywhere, and spoiling yourself isn’t a very fun experience!

With that disclaimer out of the way, the essay (as per usual) is under the cut! Enjoy!

~~~

The Grey Morality of HKU

We live in a world that is not purely black and white, but instead many different shades of grey. Writing greyness into stories is difficult, especially when trying to create morally ambiguous characters, which is why most character conflicts in fiction is black and white. Moral greyness in characters is a very thin tightrope to balance on, since such characters fall in between heroes and villains, and bring layers of depth and complexity into the world. Most humans are not purely good or evil, and morally grey characters showcase this well. These characters can be incredibly complicated, and thus, it's difficult for authors to commit and stay on their tightrope. Sometimes they lean too far to one side and their intended moral greyness gets destroyed. But in Hyrule Kingdom Updates, or HKU, Quill not only walks this tightrope with ease, but does backflips on it and performs a whole circus act with their characters mimicking the same routine. One of these talented tightrope-walkers that performs in such a circus act is Asivus Hartell, better known as Siv. 

Siv is one of the main examples of the grey morality of HKU. He’s the sarcastic, pessimistic orator that serves as the role of the narrator for the story.  Introduced as a psychological egoist, or someone who believes that everyone’s actions are derived out of personal interest, his personality, attitude, and actions all reek of the scent of “villain”. He’s cynical, hates almost everyone in the castle, and is also a criminal. Over time, his egoist beliefs are slowly challenged, and when his ties to the people who challenge his egoist morals are cut, his egoism goes even further downhill, leading him to become a utilitarian existentialist.

Utilitarian existentialism is hard to properly define, as there is no clear-cut definition. It is the combination of two different philosophies, utilitarianism and existentialism. Utilitarianism is the belief that actions are right if they are useful or for the benefit of a majority; if it provides the greatest amount of good for the greatest number of people, it’s the right thing to do. Existentialism is the belief that there are no set morals for life and no specific meaning to life— people are free to create their own meaning and define their own existence. Utilitarian existentialism is the combination of these two beliefs, and Siv falling into this moral belief can lead to its own opportunities, both for the plot and for himself.

Siv, by the dictionary definition, is a villain. One of the core beliefs he holds, mostly thanks to his egoism, is that everyone is a terrible, selfish person except for him and Ganon. This is not only harmful to the rest of the population because of the possibility of the Calamity being revived, but it’s harmful to Siv as well. Thinking everyone is bad except for the entity that’s weaponizing your malice, or manipulating your trauma, is not the most healthy thing. In addition, as the readers, we can see things from multiple perspectives, and therefore know that not everyone is a terrible or selfish person. By seeing these multiple perspectives and knowing these things, we root against Siv and his goal of resurrecting the Calamity, for his view of the world and the people in it is flawed. Siv succeeding in his objective wouldn’t be good for anyone, including himself. If this was Siv’s only belief, it would be more of a clear-cut black and white story, and Siv would just be a villain. However, that is not the case.

The other core belief Siv believes is one that Astor leads him to: Getting rid of all the terrible, selfish people in the world is the morally correct thing to do, as the kingdom would be a better place and he’d finally be happy. “Defeating the evil in the kingdom will make everything end up good” is a mindset that many stereotypical heroes share. This is the belief in the stories of many people’s childhoods, and people root for them because it’s usually correct in the context of said story. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with Siv’s belief; he does have a point and does deserve to be happy. Furthermore, most of the problem causers in Hyrule would be gone, preventing all the hurt and trauma all the characters have to cope with from happening again. For example, getting rid of Ligero is something the entire reader-base has been cheering for since the old man was first introduced. It would be satisfying to see people such as those face consequences for their actions, and as readers, we like satisfying endings. Unfortunately, the problem is that Siv believes everyone is bad except him and Ganon, so he’d be getting rid of everyone, and effectively resurrecting the Calamity, something that devastated the kingdom and brought a massive amount of death, in the process. Taking that into account, you wouldn’t want Siv to succeed. And as a bonus, killing anyone and everyone he could possibly care about in any capacity would not be good for his already crumbling mental state. All of this creates a mental tug-of-war  in the reader’s head, because they're rooting for Siv to succeed but also hoping that Siv will fail. Is he in the right? No, because not everyone is a bad person and killing everyone by raising the Calamity isn't ever the right thing to do. But is he in the wrong? Also no, because utilitarianism isn't inherently bad, neither is existentialism, and the moral principle itself can have good intentions. Quill writes Siv to be a very complex character with no absolute right or wrong mentality. There’s no surface answer to if Siv is correct in his thinking or not, as this moral greyness goes a lot deeper than the surface level you see within the dialogue.

Siv walks upon the same morally grey tightrope that we, the readers, fight ourselves over within our own mental game of tug-of-war. His moral ambiguity is a huge part of his characterization, as well as a major highlight on the plot of HKU as a whole. The picture Quill painted is not only in multiple shades of grey, but also full of color and life. And out of all the shades of grey Quill used in their masterpiece, one of the most interesting shades is Siv. Quill did an excellent job at exploring this moral greyness and it shows well; you can truly see the care that they put into Siv as a character through how he affects the world around him. The kingdom of Hyrule is not made of black and white, but instead, is painted in multiple shades of grey that reflect our own world within itself, since nothing is as simple as it seems. 

~~~

Want to read more about Siv’s morals? Quill wrote an in-depth explanation themselves, and does a much better job of explaining it than I do, so I recommend reading it if that peaks your interest! Click HERE to be sent to that post! (also major spoilers, so be warned)

~~~

Now, since you got to the bottom of this post, and because I might be a little too polite, I need to give some thank-yous to a handful of people.

The first thank-you is to Rev (@swordlesbianss) for giving me the push I needed to actually write this thing! You pretty much kept me accountable for getting this done by mentioning your essay (which I look forward to reading when it’s ready, take your time), so thank you, Rev! You definitely got me to actually start writing the original version of this essay, and caused me to write it to where it is now!

The second thank-you is to Aura (@auroraborealis1890) who beta read the first draft of this essay! You made sure it wasn’t completely incomprehensible, thank you so much Aura! By being able to read it at all, you were a huge help to what was essentially a crazy person’s ramblings. You’re a great friend and I’m very grateful you read my first draft of bullshit <3

The third thank-you is a huge one to Bunny (@bunnywabbit229) who polished up this essay! All of the tone, spell checks, and really beautiful analogies were proofread by Bunny, some invented by them! They took a good 5+ hours out of their day and made this little rock of an essay become the shining diamond it is! I could point out so many things that they made better, but I don’t want to gush for too long. Bunny, I know I already told you this but if I could buy you a large brownie pizza, I would because you helped so much and I appreciate it so much!

The final thank-you is to Quill, the author of @hyrule-kingdom-updates, who made the inspiration for this essay. You have made such a wonderful story that’s rich with so many amazing characters and astounding worldbuilding. You made a masterpiece that inspired an essay of over 1000 words and I’m in awe. You truly deserve to know how wonderful your writing is and all the effort you’ve put into your characters and story is not going unnoticed. So thank you so much for putting your story out into the world, Quill.

[astrolovecosmos]

Uranus in the Houses: Individualism

Uranus in the 1st: I’m sure you’d imagine quite the quirky and interesting person with this placement. While this certainly can be true, there is something about questioning identity. Uranus indicates a “higher mind”, innovation, moments of discovery. Identity is not fluid, not easily lost, and not obscure BUT they may fall into re-discovering themselves over and over again. Individuality is tightly connected to expression and intellect somehow. Seeking change in how they represent themselves may be something they crave or do naturally. There is something special about exploring all facets of the self. 

Uranus in the 2nd: Individuality in how they view self-worth or approach security may manifest. Being inventive and original in practical, sensual, physical ways is another way to look at this placement. “Unique ways to make money” is the trademark of this position but there is much more to this house than money and possessions. Uranus in this House may show their uniqueness in how they spend money or what they buy but they also show their individuality through the physical realm and this can mean many things. This is one to own a “conversation starter” whether it is in their fashion choices or home decor. Having an unconventional approach to what a society deems as “practical” may happen. There is something special about physically living, valuing, and really existing on a different level. 

Uranus in the 3rd: “Eccentric communicator” is the label many put on this placement. So yes, individuality is certainly seen in how they crack jokes, spur up debates, and bring up odd, political, or even taboo subjects. Here we see that “higher mind” showing social intuition and observation. They approach the realm of socialization, learning, and expressing differently. They are very eager to learn about others and about the world around them. The way they learn could show individuality and uniqueness. In their earlier years they may have stood out a lot among peers, especially in a classroom setting. There is something special about living in the realm of ideas and sharing for them. 

Uranus in the 4th: Unconventional family life or domestic life can pop up with this placement. In terms of individuality this comes from freedom to be themselves apart from a family or tight community. Deep-seeded Influence upon them, comfort, attachments, and roots - these things shape them into a sculpture different than others with their same upbringing. This doesn’t just mean the black sheep in the family, this can mean the odd one out in a school, church, or organization. Being “different” doesn’t always mean being an outcast or something negative. With the 4th being a house about safety and comfort, they may find their individuality or express it best when being disruptive towards that comfort/security. There is something special about constantly stepping out of their comfort zone. 

Uranus in the 5th: That individuality shines through the bright 5th House in expression and creativity. Unique fashion sense ✓, has combined quirkiness with flair ✓, unforgettable party goer ✓, original artist  ✓. Don’t forget being an “individualist” when it comes to romance. Uranus at times can make someone with this position highly independent and doesn’t want to be in any relationship that threatens their individuality or freedom. Uranus isn’t necessarily known for self-focus but it can be known for separation and a focus on what makes you, you. With that focus comes a theme of rushing into relationships with like-minded people but then still trying hard to protect their differences and freedom to express. There can be a tug-of-war in love. Really individuality sometimes shows the most or is solidified through how they are different from their lovers yet still find common ground. It shows through their art. It shows through their speeches. It shows through their big ideas. It shows through their celebrations. There is something special about never losing yourself while still connecting with another. 

Uranus in the 6th: Don’t sleep on this placement! Sure we could talk about unconventional healing and maybe being a healer is one way they stand out. Uncommon illnesses and accidents are tied to this but let’s talk about other areas of the 6th. Other environments that their uniqueness can show and breathe in. Here is someone who stands out in their everyday routine, in their work space, and in their habits. They can be innovative and original, breaking away from the normal humdrum of everyday life. Uranus in the 6th can be a strength for teamwork and altruism. They know how to change a negative or toxic environment or routine into something liberating. They may serve others by helping them break free, start anew, or giving them the knowledge they need to better their situation. Despite Uranus sometimes being looked at as a planet about disruption, chaos, “being apart” - in this house Uranus intelligently approaches inefficiency, which many times could be due to a lack of cooperation or understanding. There’s something special about how they can bring people together but also push them apart, whichever equals an improvement. 

Uranus in the 7th: Independence can be both a gift and a struggle in love for this individual. Sacrificing freedom and individuality will never, ever happen. On the surface many have pinned this placement as one showing commitment issues. But let’s look at this as individuality in how we connect with others on a whole. Throw out gender roles, societal expectations for marriage or even friendship, rework master and apprentice. Individuality comes in how they treat others. Their expectations and “roles” in their relationships. An enemy? A rival? They likely don’t think of them how you may typically think of an “enemy”. Respect, equality, and give and take are all approached in a way that allows them to not be bound by how you perceive them and even how you care for them. There is something special about their harmony, their connections, their vibrations with others. 

Uranus in the 8th: Individuality is a precious thing shared with others. There is a desire for absolute acceptance and understanding in their closest relationships or within intimacy. Sharing the mind may make them feel more vulnerable than sharing anything else. A great desire to understand the taboo, the occult, the mysterious, metaphysics, life and death exist here. Their individuality can be kept in a darker place only to be shared with a few. On some level this could make someone seem a conformist, basic, etc. But don’t confuse this with the secrets and hidden attributes of the 12th House. Sometimes this can be more literal in that what makes them special is a darkness in their past. How they deal with pain or negativity can stand out. Also the taboo or occult may be an area they feel most comfortable in expressing their true self. Sometimes  throw out the average cabbage picture - this may also be the occultist in your community, not afraid to show their spell books or rave about their love for true crime documentaries and podcasts (which honestly isn’t that unusual but I’m trying to give you a visual the best I can). The 8th House with its dark and heavy reputation, I don’t want anyone thinking the darkness in their life is the only thing that makes them “special”. Rather that trauma could have been uncommon. The way they understand the darkness and unpredictability of the world is more of the emphasis I want to make. 

Uranus in the 9th: They stand out in their beliefs, morals, or possibly education. Truth and lies play a role in what makes them “unique”. There could be a tendency of bolstering up their individuality, possibly at a young age or when feeling insecure. When secure, when fulfilled, when they have an open mind and are actively learning they show their uniqueness, especially the uniqueness in what they believe in truthfully, openly, proudly. Uranus drives this individual to make a statement in their beliefs or non-beliefs even. This can be presented in so many positive or negative ways. Finding meaning in one’s life is also part of this house. They may stand out the most in the lengths they go to find meaning. From the tamer backpacking across Europe to find themselves, to exploring different religions, to more erratic actions and choices of completely abandoning a long-standing career for something very different or even giving up everything they own to help others may happen. There is something special in how they see a different way to think, believe, and in a way be. 

Uranus in the 10th: We can’t ignore that they are going to seem “different” or “special” somehow in the public sphere. Before we talk about fame, know there is a lot about connecting with and belonging to society with this placement. The way they think about or approach society could be unique. The way they fit into society can be unconventional as well. They pay attention to the collective, can tap into it. That intellectual side of the planet can drive them to analyze and understand the collective, law, society, social issues. I would say that standing out in your career or having your individualism show here is a prominent manifestation, especially in parts of the world where career are everything to a society. There’s something special about standing out in the crowd, in the boardroom, in the industry.

Uranus in the 11th: This placement is known to hang around rebels and outliers. This is part of their individuality, befriending those on the fringe of society or the norm. The way they fit into groups and organizations is unique. They may stand out as a leader in a club or friend group. They may be the glue among friends too. The way they view fellowship and approach it is likely unconventional. When it comes to the collective, much like the 10th house position they too can tap into it. The 10th sees trends in what society values and within laws and reputation while the 11th taps into social trends, new ideas, sees where society is headed on a larger scale or with the big picture. They can have goals that are on a different wavelength than most. They dream big and originally. This house can be about extending the self to others. With Uranus we can see someone who does this in an humanitarian way, highly social way, or maybe  intellectually focused way. There is something special about giving and taking from the group. 

Uranus in the 12th: Known for hidden individuality that wants to bubble to the surface. “Associated with past revolution and upheaval” according to Judy Hall. Individuality is shown best when they have confidence and pride in their uniqueness. It is also shown best when they rebel against the norm. Here can be a powerful position for the “rebel”, “anarchist”, or “innovator”. Their individuality can also shine through by helping others in a large way, through humanitarian deeds. Eccentricities will be both their weakness and strength. At times the emotional heaviness of the house can make them feel unstable and insecure about their differences, other times they can tap into their inner genius, trendsetter, and visionary. There is something special about just being different. 

[eventidespirits]

Nicknames: Laur, Laurie Aliases: Jonathan Legerdemain, Jean Nuit Apparent Age: “30″ True Age: 51 Gender: Cis Man Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Demiromantic Gray-Ace Birthday: January 6th Occupation: Occultist, Bookstore Owner Species: Vampire (Nightingale) Residence: The Vista Rosa neighborhood in Santa Marta, CA.

𝔸𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖

Height: 5′10 Build: Average height, has a sort of stereotypical “scrawny nerd” sort of build with a soft layer of fat/soft belly and not a lot of muscular definition. He has long arms and legs in comparison to his torso which makes him look taller than he actually is. Face Shape: Somewhere between an oval and a diamond, his facial features are fine and delicate with a long straight nose. Eye Color/Shape: Vibrant, unnaturally bright ocean-blue with cat-like slitted pupils. Large but set deep within his face with heavy, tired looking lids and deep dark circles which gives him a sort of permanent “resting bitch face”.  Hair Color/Style: Slate Gray. Laurent’s hair is mostly straight with a slight wave to it (2A) and usually worn tied into a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck. he has long, messy bangs that usually hang in his face. Skin Color/Texture: Very pale and desaturated with a distinct yellow undertone. He has soft skin but has a lot of small scars and marks on his hands from various occult work he did while he was still a mortal. Distinguishing Features: First off, Laurent is prematurely gray. He also has a number of tattoos (a tattoo of a magical circle for protection on his back, another protection sigil on his chest over the heart, has a tattoo of an open eye on the back of his neck). He also wears glasses. Posture: Very “proper” posture -- stands straight up but there’s that slight hunch to his shoulders that comes from hours bent over books and papers. He moves very purposefully and a little bit stiffly with quiet footsteps.  Voice: Soft and understated, with the remnants of a Quebecois accent. Laurent rarely raises his voice and his speech is usually curt and clipped, possibly even seeming rude or sarcastic at times. Clothing Style: Lots of blacks and blues with some cream and charcoal. He tends to wear comfortable clothing that could pass for being formal in most situations -- black slacks, button-downs over v-necks, turtleneck sweaters and cardigans. A lot of his looks vaguely recall the 1980s when it comes to sweater choice.  Notable Mannerisms: Scrunches his nose when he’s thinking deeply about something  but otherwise seems to not have a lot of particularly unique or defining mannerisms (almost purposefully so)

𝕊𝕜𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕤

Physical: Lockpicking, breaking and entering Social: What Social Skills? Basic etiquette, subterfuge/lying, manipulation Talents: Calligraphy, Poetry, Prose, getting in over his head Knowledges: Greek, Latin, French, currently learning German, Masters in Psychology, Traditional Magic, Ritual Magic, Sigilcraft, Herbalism Hobbies: Reading, Writing, Gardening, Cooking Special: Basic Nightingale abilities, some natural magical talent (mostly lost after becoming a vampire), spirit sight, minor precognition 

ℙ𝕤𝕪𝕔𝕙𝕖

Strengths: Clever, quick witted, tenacious, detail-oriented, good concentration, inquisitive, intuitive, dedicated, loyal, strong sense of internal morals Weaknesses: overly curious, stubborn, too smart for his own good, overly self-reflective, can be cold and emotionally distant, closed off from his emotions, rude, irritable, afraid of intimacy, standoffish, shy, just generally bad at people. Goals: To gather all the knowledge there is to be had, especially where it concerns the occult; to learn proper spontaneous magic Fears: Loss of knowledge, loss of control, true death, what lurks beneath santa marta (but not enough to stop researching it) Ideals/Morals:  Laurent is willing to do almost anything to gain knowledge but there are a few things that disgust him and he finds morally abhorrent -- like hurting children or murder (notably -- he sees a difference between killing and murder but also tries to avoid killing people as a general rule unless it’s in self-defense) Guiding Philosphies: Knowledge is Power Sense of Humor: Very dry and sarcastic. He’s definitely the person to deliver a sarcastic quip with a totally straight face and it leaves people wondering if he even has  a sense of humor. Overall Personality: Laurent is kind of a prickly bastard. He’s introverted and introspective and has very little interest in being around or talking to people. He can pretend to be polite very well (and expects others to behave in a similar way). He prefers things to be well-structured and mostly predictable, he has trouble dealing with sudden intense changes. He seems very distant and cold to most people -- utterly focused on his work over anything else.

𝕃𝕚𝕗𝕖

Best Memory: Worst Memory: Biggest Accomplishment: Prized Possessions: Favorite Colors: Favorite Foods: Favorite Scents: Favorite Songs: Can't Leave Home Without:

ℍ𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪

Birthplace: Suburbs of Montreal, Quebec Childhood: Growing up, Laurent’s parents were usually very busy, both having careers that demanded a lot of their attention. He and Louis were often left to sort of fend for themselves (classic latch-key kids). Being the more shy of the twins, Laurent often relied on Louis to make friends -- having few friends that he could consider his specifically. At around the age of 11, while playing at his neighbor’s house after school with Louis, their friend Alex and his younger sister Madeline, the four of them found a oujia board and did what any group of pre-teens would do: they turned out the lights and used it. Unfortunately for the twins, the house was old and the board itself connected to a rather angry spirit that would attach itself to Louis and scare the hell out of the other three children. This is what would start Laurent’s interest in the occult but it was what would happen the next summer that would cement it as an obsession... While playing in a local park, something that Laurent could neither identify or describe beyond “a writhing mass of eyes, grasping tendrils and eyes” would pluck Alex from the face of existence -- not only taking the 12 year old but erasing any sign that he had ever existed to begin with from the minds of everyone but Laurent. 

Adolescence: At thirteen, Laurent’s family moved to Santa Marta, California. Highschool was difficult for Laurent, who had started to go prematurely gray by the time he was 14 and was shy and bookish. He had to deal with a lot of bullying and it cemented his irritability. 

He did, however, thanks to the unique nature of Santa Marta (attracting the supernatural) manage to make friends with a Witch by the name of Martin. They’d also date for about a year in secret before both decided that it just wasn’t working. However, the pair of them were obsessed with the occult and the presence of the “Old Gods” which were present in constant whispers in Santa Marta. This is where Laurent got into most of the trouble he would as a teenager -- breaking into abandoned buildings looking for ghosts and signs of the supernatural as well as getting 100% illegal tattoos in dangerous settings (most notably, he had his protection sigil done by Martin in his basement along with the eye on the back of his neck).

Somehow, probably just due to luck, Laurent never actually got in legal trouble for any of the crazy shit he did as a teen but that luck wouldn’t last.

Adulthood: In his desperate search for occult knowledge, Laurent would end up crossing paths with a woman named Claudine -- a Nightingale who was also an accomplished occultist and a powerful witch in her own right. He would end up stealing several of her important research journals and end up becoming her “assistant” at the age of twenty-one (she normally would’ve killed him for it but was impressed by his dedication and natural skill). She would keep him on as an assistant, teaching him about the occult and preparing him for life in the Nightingale Court before finally turning him in 2000.

Recent: In 2010, Claudine would disappear suddenly -- leaving behind only a note about her own research into the “thing that lurks beneath the streets of this blighted metropolis” and pointing Laurent in a similar direction. During his training with Claudine, Laurent would run into mentions of the “Myriad Eyes” multiple times, especially when researching the occult history of Santa Marta... A phrase that he quickly came to associate with the thing that had taken his childhood friend.

Currently, he’s running a bookstore in Vista Rosa called “Eigengrau Books” and living in an apartment located above the store. 

ℝ𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡𝕤

Family: Jean DeFantome (Father; deceased), Emily DeFantome (Mother), Louis DeFantome (twin brother; estranged) Lovers: Martin Schwartz (former), Camellia O’Friel (current) Friends: Isaac Nerezza (works at his bookstore), Claudine Legerdemain (Missing) Enemies: ??? Other: ???

ℝ𝕖𝕤𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕔𝕖𝕤

Income: Middle-class Residences: A two bedroom apartment above his bookstore. Vehicles: Black 2010 Ford Fiesta Van

[lailannajacobs]

Not About Angels

Pairing: bucky x fem!reader

Prompt: "I'm not human. I never was. So why are you expecting me to act like one?"

Warnings: Angsty with mentions of physical abuse

Word Count: 4.6k 

A/N: So this is my submission for @sourpatchkidsandacokecan​ mystery Au challenge, and like a complete idiot, my brain couldn’t find inspiration for an Au but came up with this instead. Who knows what happened, I sure don’t! Hope you enjoy it regardless! <3 

September 5th, 2020

The hallways were too clean. It was strange that, despite every single change that had happened in your life over the past year, minor and drastic alike, the one change you couldn’t get used to was the hallways. That, and the cheery faces. Everyone was so damned happy to be here; to be heroes. You’d wipe the smiles off their faces if you could. Deep down, they were no different than you or anyone else. Behind the supposed moral codes and the fancy suits, they were no different than you, hiding in the shadows from the pain of doing what no one else wanted to do.

You supposed it was the reason they decided to make you a part of the team instead of taking you to the Raft. You could do what no one else wanted to do. But that wasn’t what they told you. They told you that you were here because you were the victim; that you were forgiven. You doubted your own victims would see it that way.

Some days, especially the first month they’d kept you here, you would have preferred prison. They’d kept you in a room without electricity, and the first time he’d walked in you’d almost killed him just to feel that familiar buzz in your veins. By the time you realized who he was, you were so weak the only thing you could do was wish you had.

There had been too many people asking you questions, not only about intel on Hydra, but also about how you were feeling. No one had ever asked you that. They hadn’t needed to start either. Every day the suffocation made you want to scream. Now…now their questions no longer held as much weight. They gave you space, eventually letting you train and go on missions with them. You’d changed your alliances because you knew they weren’t going to let you go back, but you hadn’t expected not to miss it. You hadn’t expected to stop wanting to run away so quickly; for everything to feel almost normal again. Or at least, almost as normal as it had been when you were working as an assassin for Hydra. Almost. The hallways were too clean.

Everything was too clean - too perfect. Most nights you slept on the floor because it was the closest thing to your bedroom back home. Only the longer you stayed here, the more you realized that it wasn’t a home - it wasn’t even a bedroom. You had never noticed before. For as long as you could remember, you had stayed in that dungeon cell, only taken out for training and missions before being locked back in. You’d been told that to be exceptional at what you did that you had to forgo the weaknesses everyone else relied on. You became exceptional.

Steps coming down the hall caught your attention and you stilled, waiting to see who it was. Wanda Maximoff approached with sure and easy steps, not one to be afraid of you, your skills or your powers. None of the Avengers were, but this inhuman had every right not to be. You were powerful. She was something else.

“You’re needed in the briefing room,” She said, not coming any closer than she had to.

You appreciated the distance more than she would ever realize. Out of every extraordinary being in this place, she was the only one who had an inkling of understanding where you came from. It was probably the reason you didn’t completely distrust her like you did everyone else.  

Nodding, you followed behind.

“You’re not going to like this mission,” She began, her voice serious and free of any fake pleasantries others would have used to soften the blow, “There was no one else we could send with you.”

She didn’t have to tell you who you were being sent off with. There was only one person you despised enough in this place that it would merit a warning. Because a warning was all this was. You wouldn’t beg for a new partner or cause a scene, not when you might risk getting kicked off of the first mission you’d had in a month. You’d withstand his company for a moment of freedom; it was worth the price.

But as soon as you walked into the briefing room and saw that messy head of dark hair, you almost backed out on your promise and demanded to go with someone - anyone - else. He looked up at the sound of your approach, his piercing blue eyes following your every move as you took a seat at the far end of the table. He said nothing. He’d learned a long time ago, after a black eye and a broken nose, that you wanted nothing to do with him. He’d been lucky then that you hadn’t done worse. After taking you away from everything you’d known and having brought you to this place, there was nothing he could say or do that would ever make up for it.

“Is this going to be a problem?” Fury demanded, glancing between the two of you.

You and the Winter Soldier shook your heads.

“All right then. Let’s begin.”

Fury went on with the briefing, but you were only half listening. Most of your concentration was on the flow of electricity in the room, the constant hum calming your nerves. This room was surrounded on all sides by currents big and small, and every breath you took in was slower and longer than the last.

“YN!” Fury barked.

You reigned in your surprise too late, a bulb overhead shattering. You didn’t flinch or apologize.

“Yes, sir?”

“Were you even listening?”

You blinked slowly, “You want us to extract military files kept in a Hydra base off the coast of Maine. We leave tomorrow at 21h sharp. Should be a simple job. You want it done as efficiently as possible.”

Fury sighed, “Next time, there’s no need to blow apart another one of my bulbs. It’s getting ridiculous.”

“At least it was a bulb and not your hearts,” You replied, somewhat honestly and somewhat hoping to make them uncomfortable.

“You know,” He began, that one all-seeing eye dissecting you, “It gets a little hard to trust you when you say things like that.”

“I didn’t ask you to trust me,” You shrugged, “I didn’t even ask to be here and quite frankly, I’m still not sure why I am. But maybe you should ask the Soldier. He’s the reason I’m here, maybe he knows something we don’t.”

You stood and walked out of the room before either of them could respond. Everyone knew why you were here. Your skills and your knowledge were more useful than most of them would admit. That sure as hell didn’t mean you had to be friends with any of them.

March 4th 2020

When Bucky walked out of the emergency room hours later, he found Steve still waiting for him.

“How is she?” Steve asked.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair, exhausted, “Stable. Though they don’t know how much she’ll remember of the last 24 - 48 hours. Apparently she was dosed with a some drug that impaired her short term memory. The doctor said that with the amount she was dosed with, it’s impressive that her brain can function at all,” Bucky shuddered but continued on, “We might have an active Hydra agent on our hands when she wakes up.”

“Let her get through this and then we’ll see what happens.”

“I hope so,” Bucky sighed.

Steve didn’t need to see the look on his friend’s face to know that some part of Bucky would always be trying to atone for the things he did before. Saving this woman was just one of those ways. Sadly, Steve was pretty sure she wouldn’t want or appreciate their saving. He’d read her file. She’d been a part of Hydra from the moment she’d been handed over by the foster system, barely able to walk ye.t. That wasn’t something you just walked away from.

Steve put a hand on his best friend’s shoulder, “She might not make it out of this, Buck. And if she does, there’s no guarantee she wants our help.”

“She’ll get through this,” He affirmed.

Steve nodded, though he winced on the inside. Buck would do whatever it took to save this woman. They were tied by something Steve would never be able to fully understand. The only thing he could do was stand beside his friend and hope she didn’t tear Bucky apart.

September 6th 2020

The documents were nowhere to be found. You didn’t know if Fury had gotten false information or if they had seen you coming, but neither of you had found anything close to the documents you were looking for. You knew Hydra well enough to know that if you hadn’t found them by now, they weren’t here. Hydra was too arrogant to hide their information. They firmly believed they would prevail, regardless of how many hits they took. Cut off one head, two more will take its place.

“What do you think?” He asked, breaking the silence for the first time since you’d broken into the base.

You shook your head, “It’s not here.”

He nodded his agreement and motioned for you to follow him out.

Jolting the electric currant in the building, the buzz hid the sound of your steps as you snuck back out of the compound. It was so loud, you almost didn’t notice the familiar hum of a human body seconds before the man’s dagger came at you. You managed to turn at the last second, catching the man’s dagger in the sleeve of your combat suit. The blade didn’t pierce the skin and you flipped the man over, breaking his wrist to make him drop the dagger into your hand.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where the files we’re looking for are, would you? You asked, sending tiny shockwaves down his body.

He squirmed under your grip, eyes widening as he recognized you. All of Hydra knew who you were, even if you couldn’t recognize any of them to save your life. His eyes darted to Barnes for help, but quickly recognized him as well. You couldn’t help but see the irony in the pair of you, even if he was last person you wanted to be here with.

He was about to dislodge the pill they all kept in their fake tooth, the one the Avengers had taken from you the moment they’d brought you in, but you weren’t going to let him off that easily. Your current was faster than his movement, interrupting the signals going to his tongue and jaw. They’d made you do terrible things to perfect that kind of skill, it was only fitting that it be used against them.

“Please,” The man begged, the words garbled but clear enough for you to understand, “Have some humanity.”

“I’m not human,” You grinned, recognizing his badge as one of the many researchers and scientists, “I never was, remember? Don’t expect me to start acting like one now.”

You tried to plunge the dagger into the man’s chest, but Barnes grabbed your wrist before you could get close. He pulled you toward him so that he was the only thing you could see, those metal fingers a vice grip.

“You are human, YN,” He practically growled, “I don’t care what they’ve told you. You. Are. Human. But if you keep doing this, doing what they want you to do, you won’t be.”

“Who are you to judge?” You snarled.

“Someone who’s been there,” He murmured, loosening his grip, “You choose.”

You shook your head in disgust, “Stay out of my way, Soldier.”

You sent enough electric current through the man’s heart to knock him out cold, watching as he crumpled to the ground with a resounding thud. You didn’t know whether or not Barnes followed you out, but you didn’t care. He could do what he wanted. At least someone here could.

March 4th, 2020 - Hours before

“What’s going to happen to her?” Bucky demanded, trying not raise his voice.

He had no right to get angry at the doctors. They weren’t responsible for what had happened to her. A small part of him knew that neither was he, but it was hard to believe. If he’d gotten there sooner…If he’d been a little faster, more efficient, then she wouldn’t be in this mess.

“She’ll live, Sergeant Barnes,” The doctor replied, “But you need to get out the way and let us do our job.”

He was about to leave, but couldn’t help himself and blurted out, “She’s inhuman. I don’t know what her gifts are, but she’s inhuman.”

A nurse shoved him out of the room, “We know.”

Bucky ran a hand through his hair, pacing outside the double doors. He needed to do something else, focus on anything else, but he couldn’t. He knew what it was like to be at their mercy, flashes and glimpses of memories flickering through his mind, their seizing grip on his heart suffocating. He refused to let someone else die at their hands.

“Buck, I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Steve approached, a file in his hand, “You might want to take a look at this.”

Bucky sucked in a deep breath and took the file. The few sheets inside were about the woman they’d pulled out of that hell hole. An inhuman, gifted with the ability to control electrical currents and an active Hydra agent from the age of five, under their control from the age of three. There was no known family listed, nothing connecting her to the living other than the people who’d locked her up and used her. Bucky grit his teeth.

A shock blast blew out one of the doors, glass shattering everywhere. Bucky ducked to the side, shielding his face with his arm. He searched for Steve, only reassured when his friend turned up on the other side of the hallway, nodding that he was fine.

Shouting came from inside of the room, and Bucky was moving before he knew what he was doing. He burst into the room, only to find her convulsing on the table, an aura of yellow current surrounding her body.

“Rubber gloves,” He directed, weaving around the scrambling doctors to reach her, “Now!”

Recovering quickly, the followed his orders without hesitation. He stopped at the side of her table and took in a deep, steadying breath. He was about to reach for her hand some someone held him back.

“You’ll get electrocuted,” The nurse warned.

“I’m used to the pain.”

Bucky took her hand in his metal one.

The pain was excruciating but familiar and Bucky winced his way through it, trying to provide as much comfort as he could. Hydra had tried to make him weaker and compliant, but the constant pain had made him stronger, exactly for moments like this.

The pain began to ease when his breathing shallowed and hers evened out. With their rubber gloves, the doctors injected her with a clear liquid and moments later, the current vanished completely.

“You can leave now, Barnes,” The doctor stated, taking off his gloves and signalling something to the nurses.

“No,” He adjusted his grip, interlacing their fingers even tighter, “I won’t let her do this alone. Not after you’ve just taken her abilities.”

September 6th, 2020

“What do we tell Fury?” Barnes asked as you walked into the compound.

“Not my problem,” You grunted, shoving past him, “Tell him whatever you want.”

You left without another word, not caring that you wouldn’t be there for Fury’s debriefing. You hadn’t found anything. Did you really need to be two people to tell him that?

When you made it to your room, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and stopped. That was another thing you hadn’t gotten used to yet; seeing yourself in the mirror. They hadn’t given you one in your room - your cell. It was almost as if you and the woman in the mirror weren’t the same person. The woman staring back at you looked tired. She didn’t look like she’d been eating three regular meals a day, exercised for hours each week and had a clean room with a bed and a bathroom all to herself. She had bags under her glossy eyes and looked like the only place she wanted to be was curled in bed until everything wrong in her world faded to black. She looked like someone who kept fighting but didn’t know what enemy she was fighting any more. She looked…sad.

You almost punched the mirror but held back. There was no reason to get sidelined from the next mission because you couldn’t control your anger. But you couldn’t stay here; not in this perfect room. You didn’t even bother with shoes and you walked out the door, your feet taking you to the one place on the compound you felt like you could actually breathe. You’d found it during one of your escape attempts the first month you were here. It had been the reason you’d turned around and come back.

When you pushed open the door to the small roof on the back section of some useless wing, you took in the first deep breath all day that didn’t feel like you were fighting against your lungs for more air. The leaves surrounding the immaculately kept lawn were brilliant shades of reds and oranges, set aflame by the setting sun. Here, you could pretend that you lived in some different world where the sharpest knife you’d ever used had only served to cut steak.

The door creaked open and you whipped around, combat ready even though they’d told you multiple times that you were safe here. Barnes stepped out and all that earlier peace turned to tension in your body.

His eyes widened when he saw you. You stared back.

“Sorry,” He ran a hand through his hair, “I didn’t think anyone else came up here. I’ll go.”

“No. I’ll leave.”

Your mood had already been ruined. You could use a shower and then your bed. Unlike the other Avengers who spent their nights chatting away like one big family, there was nothing left for you to do but sleep. He nodded and walked to the far end of the roof, giving you space.

Your hand was on the door handle when he spoke up, “I made a promise to you, do you remember?”

March 3rd, 2020

You shivered, the stone floor cold beneath your skin. You tried to lift your head, but your whole body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder. Even opening your eyes was a task, the blurry slit barely enough for you to know you were in your room. Everything was grey and cold. Nothing felt right.

You couldn’t remember how you’d gotten here. Where was your bed? Where were your clothes? All you could feel was a flimsy nightgown over your underwear. Even then, you weren’t sure. All you knew for sure was that your body was howling in pain, blocking out almost everything else. You tried to clear your mind, but it was like a fog was settling over and you could barely form a coherent thought. You’d just been on a mission…What the hell had happened? Something had gone wrong, very wrong.

Instinctively, you reached for the electric hum inside you, but you couldn’t find it. Panic set in and you desperately reached deep inside, looking for that energy that was a much a part of you as your arm or leg was. You almost blacked out, but finally you found a small kernel of current, its energy fading by the second.

With every inch of strength you had left, you sent a jolt of electricity through your body. The fog cleared, but the pain came in with a black haze of its own. You were aware enough to realize that you’d been dumped on the ground, your bed nowhere to be found. You had done something wrong. This was what happened when you messed up. The thought took you by surprise, memories that didn’t seem to belong to you flickering through your mind.

A resounding bang sent you scrambling to the corner, terrified by what was coming, but you didn’t get far. Your leg didn’t work, and your arm felt like it was on fire, the pain making it hard to breathe. What little you could see, blurred and spun.

“Shit. How the hell is she still conscious?” A deep voice asked.

You tried to get further away, knowing that even if you didn’t recognize the voice that you had to fear it. Odds always were that you did.

“Hey, it’s all right,” A different voice murmured, sounding much closer than the last one. You flinched at his proximity, but he continued on gently, “We’re here to help. I know you have no reason to believe us, but I’m going to need you to trust me. We don’t have much time and I really want to get you out of here.”

You couldn’t be sure that this wasn’t another one of their tricks, but the man’s voice was so soothing and kind that you let yourself believe him. There wasn’t much fight left in you anyways. Not even the sound of gunshots rattled you; not when you were losing a battle to stay conscious.

“I’m going to pick you up now, okay?” He asked as if you could answer.

He waited a moment then slid his hands behind your knees and around your back. The movement made you cry out, but all that came out was a pathetic whimper. He pulled you close, his comfort and warmth enveloping you tightly.

Unable to hold on much longer, you began to slip away, resting your head on his chest. The last you heard before you blacked out completely was his whisper, “I promise you’ll be safe now.”

September 6th, 2020

Despite how much you wanted to leave, you stopped anyways, but refused to turn around, “You never promised me anything, Soldier.”

“The doctors told me that you wouldn’t remember, and I understand that you don’t,” He paused as if he wasn’t sure he should continue, “I promised you that you were safe now. You should know that I did what I did today because I don’t intend on breaking that promise.”

Your breath caught on his words as if you remembered, but you never did. There were blank spots in your memory you’d never get back.

Not wanting him to see the effect of his words, you scoffed, “That’s hard to believe when I’ve put myself in danger multiple times on missions.”

“You can take care of yourself in the field,” He clarified.

You whirled around, “I can take care of myself. Always.”

“I know,” He stared at you, that look filled with more than you knew how to decipher, “But that doesn’t mean you have to.”

“And who put you in charge of me? Because it certainly wasn’t me,” You spat stomping over toward him, “You took me from my home and everything I knew.  I was fine before you came along. You had no right.”

He met you halfway, eyes an icy flame, “I did. I did what was right because I know you. I know you don’t actually want to go back. I see past that anger.”

“Shut up,” You whispered, heart dropping in fear of the direction he was going.

He didn’t back down, “The only reason you think you want to go back is because you don’t know how to live with the guilt of everything you’ve done - of everything you think you’ve become.”

“Shut up,” You snapped, louder this time.

“You hate me and blame me because it’s easier than blaming yourself,” He pushed on, “You hate me because it’s the only steady thing you can hold onto.”

“Shut up!” You felt the panic taking over, your control slipping.  

His voice dropped to a whisper, “I told you that I’d keep you safe, YN, so I’ll take the blame. I’ll let you hate me so that you don’t hate yourself.”

You reacted on instinct, sending electric currents through him like a taser that brought him to his knees. His head bowed between his shoulders, gritting through the pain. When he looked back up at you, he nodded slowly, almost as if to say it was okay and managed to choke out, “What’s a little bit more, right?”

His pathetic little laugh at the end shattered your anger and the current vanished. You’d seen the look in his eyes before - seen it in the mirror whenever you walked past one - that self-hatred for things you knew you’d done and for the ones you couldn’t remember but that you knew could only be worse. You’d known his story. Known he carried all the same things you did. Except you’d refused to believe it at the sight of his smile and the easy way he walked among the Avengers. You’d refused to see that he carried some of your weight for you, knowing perfectly well how crushing it could be.

His blue eyes never dimmed as he watched your intently. They never had. Not from the pain or from every burden he carried with you over the past six months because you couldn’t carry it alone. You didn’t know how to carry it if he wasn’t there helping you. This man…this man you thought of nothing more than your enemy had been the one person fighting for you when you didn’t think you could anymore. He’d gone through what you had and yet you punished him for making it out.

What the hell did that make you?

Your legs gave out, but he caught you before your knees could smash into the ground. He pulled your close, holding you tight in his arms, and for the first time in your life, you let yourself cry; cry for the people you’d hurt, for what you’d done to him and for the person you could have been.

You mumbled apologies over and over even though you knew it would never be enough. He stayed silent, listening, pulling you in even closer whenever he knew you were about to fall apart. A small part of you wanted to push him away, to stay strong, but the woman in the mirror was tired. There was no fight left in her. Not at the moment.

Eventually, when your mumbling was no longer coherent and you were utterly exhausted, you felt him stand, his grip on you never loosening.

You must have fallen asleep because he was placing you on your bed what seemed like seconds later pulling the cool sheets over you. The lack of warmth was jarring, and you curled into a smaller ball, your body shivering from all the crying and the hurt.

“Barnes?” You murmured, stopping him before he could leave your bedroom.

He turned, eyes scanning your body from head to toe as if he could physically see what was wrong, “YN?”

“Stay?” You whispered, your voice raw, “Please.”

He looked at you for a long time, a strange look on his face, “Are you sure?”

The only thing you could manage was, “I’m sorry.”

Barnes nodded and walked over to the bed easing himself onto it, staying far along the edge.

“Please,” You whispered again, unable to tell him exactly what you needed.  

But you didn’t have to. His chest pressed up against your back, his arm draping over your torso and pulling you in closer. Relieved, a shattered breath escaped your mouth at almost the exact moment one did his, and within moments you fell into the deepest sleep of your life.

[hakurasakura]

omg yash!! if ur still doing birth chart analysis 👐🏼 i offer you:

ok so since you already know your big three, i will not be diving into them. also, i am still learning about the degrees so please bear with me. i’ll try my best tho

mercury in leo: these people speak with authority, passion, and enthusiasm. some of them may come across as know-it-alls, but the more mature ones speak with style. they want others to know about their presence of mind and their know-how. these people can be very attached to their opinions, taking pride in their beliefs, which are often rather idealistic. they are capable people on an intellectual level, and have an especial desire for self-expression. people with leo mercury are adept to seeing the big picture. they are very creative and that is important to them.

with this planet position in the 7th house, your communication style shines in your relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, or even a business partnership. you tend to use your voice to establish equality among people, in all types of relationships, but especially in your interpersonal ones.

venus in cancer: these people show their love by caring for their loved ones. they give comfort and security. all they want a safe, solid relationship. they can get a little moody when in love. they are also not afraid of the emotional element of love (even if they have a sun sign where they appear to be flighy, like a gemini sun), but confrontations can be a little scary. still, these lovers are always worried they’ll be left high and dry. in general, people with their venus in cancer just want to be cared for, cuddled and feel secure.

with a cancerian venus in the 6th house, you show love to other by serving them. not necessarily being a servant, but doing the little things to help them along the way, such as washing the dishes when they didn't have the time to do it or run one of their errands. it's because of that sense of usefulness, you want to feel like you are being useful to the other person. you also show love towards yourself through health and fitness.

mars in virgo: these people are productive, goal-oriented, practical people. although they can be a little scattered at times, simply because they are doing so many things at any give time, mars in virgo natives get things done, and quite well! they have a knack for handling a wide variety of tasks at once, and a tendency to take on perhaps too much at the same time. these natives are not particularly aggressive by nature. although they can be a little hard-nosed and critical at times, they rarely resort to pushing others around. these people are protective of their "system" of how to get things done. there is a perfectionist at the heart of all people with this position.

with mars in the 7th house, you are adaptable in your personal relationships. you tend to pay attention to your partner in relationships to ensure their needs are being met. you want to be useful and satisfy their every need. and you are willing to learn new tricks and techniques to satisfy your lover/partner.

jupiter in virgo: this position magnifies a person's strong work ethic and stern moral code. they take things slow to get it right the first time. they don’t back down from anything until the job is done. jupiter in virgo likes to keep things as simple as possible. they like to cut down on any chaotic elements that could ruin their plan. and, they are willing to take on the tougher jobs to make sure they are done well. it’s that kind of can-do attitude paired with such high standards that attract good luck and good fortune. and they can maintain it with their practicality and persistence. they pride themselves on their rational thinking.

with jupiter in the 8th house, it is all about the finances, loans, assets, inheritances and the good luck you will be brought to this area in life. perhaps your personal finances will expand. in general, you are, and will be, fianacially secure. you also don't like to spend on lavish items.

saturn in cancer: these people are more reserved and keep their feelings bottled up inside. This has the potential to lead to anxiety or depression if they are unable to find a healthy way to articulate their thoughts. taking care of their family is of the utmost importance to them. saturn in cancer is very strict about adhering to certain guidelines that they’ve embodied their entire life. these people have to learn it’s okay to rely on others. It is okay to lean on the shoulders of those who have leaned on theirs for most of the time. Insecurity doesn’t have to be crippling, as long as they have a way to deal with it and get rid of it.

with saturn in the 6th house, you may have anxiety over your health, being fit. maybe over your work habits, how you work, how you are useful. you love structure, organization, and order.

(the planets below are transitional planets, meaning they travel around the sun for many years, spanning over a generation or two)

uranus in pisces: with this position, people are highly imaginative and creative, usually to fulfill their idealistic ideas/plans. they are dreamers, visionaries, people who work with the forces of spirituality backing them up. uranus in pisces can seem scatter-brained to some. but, those who know them realize they are simply off in their world. they enjoy fantasy more than reality. this can be a positive coping mechanism or a detrimental reaction to bad news.

with uranus in the first house, you are highly imaginative and creative when it comes to the self. you may also appear unique to others when it comes to first impressions. you also may be quirky

neptune in aquarius: people with neptune in aquarius are going to be relatively complicated people. these people may, for example, be promoters of revolutionary ideas based on unrealistic goals e.g. utopian socialism, or they may be people who want to bring novel direction into established religions and they have the same approaches toward new spiritual movements.

because you have your natal neptune in the first house, you are trying to be unique through your appearance, or your identity. you may even be unconventional in your approach to life.

pluto in sagittarius: plutonian sattigarians are understanding and philosophical. personal transformation can occur especially through philosophical searching. pluto in this position strengthens their innate (not learned) religious consciousness and feeling. one can expect them to create a new spiritual or mystical direction, and attempts to merge existing religions and churches.

your pluto is in the 11th house. Being socially aware, the humanities are a few areas in which you will be philosophical in. along with a group of friends, you will try to change the world. it may not be big, but it will be a small change that will lead to something bigger, such as the changes in technology or climate change.

[eujazmine]

⟨ RYAN DESTINY. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, JAZMINE HARPER is actually a descendent of H E C A T E. it’s still a question of whether or not the 23 year old BUSINESS MAJOR from HOUSTON, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite PASSIONATE & MISCHIEVOUS.

hi everyone it’s rae #2 again 😔 but allow me to introduce you all to my darling jazmine, who is a revamping of a couple muses i’ve played in the past. as always, like this post and i’ll hit your dms!

History (death tw)

claimed at birth in houston, texas since her father could see through the mist. her father started physically training around the age of three. it wasn’t anything too crazy at first, since she was only a toddler when they began, but her father wanted her to have a head-start athletically. on her 6th birthday, hecate gifted her a spell book and required that she started her magical training.

she started attended camp elektra in california during the summers when she was seven years old. at some point, her father got married and started having more children. when she was twelve, he announced that they would be moving to new york for her new step-mother’s job. that summer, she attended camp half-blood, and leaving for camp was the last time she had seen her texan home.

it was around that time that her and her father’s strong personalities truly began to clash. they had different visions for jazmine’s future, and she started to resent being under his control. it also frustrated her that she couldn’t alter his perception via mist, which led to even more complications whenever she was caught doing so to her step-mother.

she spent nearly two years with her family in new york. after nearly getting expelled from school and having too many issues at home, her father sent her away to year-round camp in greece by the time she was 14.

due to extensive training, she was among the top-ranked during her time at camp athens. she devoted much of her free time, including summer breaks, to questing and rigorous training, and was often recruited through the school for selective quests.

once she graduated, she tried staying with her father in new york again to work and save money, but this only lasted about six months. she went back to europe to travel and she fulfilled quests for money to support this new lifestyle.

at 20, jazmine had another terrible fight with her father. she left and hasn’t seen him since. after this, she started to take questing seriously again. she went on more dangerous and complex quests, knowing there was no one really out there waiting for her safe return.

then came 2019: the zeus incident. she, celeste (daughter of zeus) and adelphie (daughter of apollo) teamed up to retrieve poseidon’s trident from zeus. these three had quested in the past, and were a notoriously powerful trio, but they had never gone against celeste’s own father.

by the time they had defeated the guard monsters and reached the trident, zeus had become aware of what they were up to. he killed adelphie on sight. as jazmine futilely tried to heal adelphie’s lifeless body, celeste used this moment to carry the trident back to the ocean via the wind. soon enough, zeus zapped celeste off the mountain. whether the god of thunder hadn’t seen her hiding in the darkness or he just didn’t care, she’ll never know, but he spared jazmine and left.

after carrying adelphie back down the mountain and presuming that celeste was also dead, she came across rostam, who had prophesied that something would happen at the mountain. he helped her bring her friends back to eonia, where she was allowed to rest and enroll for the following semester.

now, she’s at eonia studying business because 1) she has nowhere else to go and 2) she doesn’t think she wants to fight her whole life anymore. 

Personality

being able to manipulate mortals as a child has made her view people more as vessels of entertainment or stimulation, and it shows. her sense of humor primarily revolves around teasing others, such as mocking them or playing tricks on them, and her blunt remarks can often be perceived as quite insensitive. she is very observant and has no problem using this trait for blackmail or manipulation, but she uses this to provide frank judgment or advice when asked. “0 to 100″ is a pretty accurate way to describe jazmine -- meaning for the most part, she has a calm, cool vibe, but her hot-temperedness can quickly get her in trouble. she can be impatient, vengeful, and petty, refusing to be the bigger person or the “loser” when crossed. stubborn and prideful, she could hold a grudge forever until she serves her own sense of justice or receives external mediation.

her bluntness and outbursts might give off the impression of her being mean, which she kinda is sometimes, but she isn’t that mean. she’s a compassionate person, and she’ll often help others if she feels sorry for them, despite trying to brush off their problems as beneath her. this is especially true when it comes to her friends. although she can be particularly harsh with them, her fierceness also comes with extra love and protection.

Powers

her most powerful ability is mystiokinesis, but it didn’t come easily. like other children of hecate, her magic is strongest at nighttime and very limited during the day. she was given a spellbook once claimed and has been perfecting her craft since. her magic gives her a limited grasp of all kinds of abilities, but she is most skilled in the areas of magic that have helped her the most on quests, such as vitakinesis, offensive spells/curses, and magical tracking. she works hard to improve her mystiokinesis through camps and personal training, but she is prone to overdoing it and negatively affecting her own health.

mist control is her secondary ability. it was the first of her powers to develop. as a child, her suggestions seemed to be a little too convincing to mortals. although it wasn’t fool-proof, she found herself manipulating people’s perceptions in her favor, possibly to get herself out of trouble or solely for entertainment purposes. she mostly uses it to her advantage around mortals or on quests. at eonia, and hasn’t found much use for this skill at eonia.

umbrakinesis is definitely her weakest power, but she would love to be more skilled in it. it has been the most difficult for her to develop, so she can only sometimes use the shadows as a shield or as a method of travel during the night. however, she has been able to levitate since she was a kid, which has been pretty convenient ever since she learned how to control it.

Extras

tl;dr: retired adrenaline junkie prone to moodiness

she has been at eonia since summer/fall 2019. you can get some more details about that last quest on celeste’s intro and self-para, if you haven’t already! feel free to assume that your muse had heard something about it.

she’s very hard-working and puts 110% into the things she cares about. the number of hours she has devoted to magic and academics is endless. neither of these areas come super naturally to her, so she has to work extra hard to develop them to reach her standards.

those 2 years she spent traveling europe and questing for cash?? she was living her best life. she used mist control and mystiokinesis a lot during this time to do things like avoid getting arrested, sneak into fancy masquerade balls, crash weddings, and waive any extra fees she couldn’t afford. she’ll bring up a wild memory from time to time if the conversation calls for it, but it’s rare for her to give out too many other details.

character inspo: think michelle jones (1), jessica huang (1, 2), hotaru imai (1, 2), fallon carrington (1, 2, 3), mal (1), daoming si (meteor garden), jennifer pierce (1, 2, 3), sam puckett (1), rosa diaz (1, 2, 3, 4)

works at the dining hall. she doesn’t care about this job and therefore puts no effort into it, so don’t expect a smile or cheery tone from her when you walk in.

involvements: black student union, gamer’s guild, football (soccer)

a skilled fighter, she is well-versed in swordsmanship and hand-to-hand combat, but she prefers using magic since it comes from her godly lineage.

she’s been playing soccer since she was a child, a sport her dad forced encouraged all of her siblings to partake in. although her and her father had many other issues, this actually wasn’t one of them, seeing as they both shared a genuine love for the sport. she’s known for being overly aggressive and instigative on the field, so she's at risk of losing her position if she starts any more fights.

Potential Connections

ex: there was probably never any official title tbh so she might even claim that they weren’t exes. jazmine’s a very private person and finds this kind of stuff too vulnerable, so maybe your muse got tired of being treated like a secret.

quest mates: could’ve been for anything tbh, but if your muse was significantly weaker than jazmine, she would’ve for sure let them know.

tutor: she works hard to maintain her grades, but sometimes she needs the extra help. 

people she protects: for whatever reason, jazmine has a soft spot for your muse, so she’ll take care of them when they’re sick, bring them home from a party, put a curse on their ex, you name it.

past hookup: she never called. consider yourself blocked.

friends: self-explanatory! unlikely friends, friends who bond over mutual hatred, frenemies., etc.

enemies: her moral ambiguity and rude remarks probably rub some people the wrong way, so enemies wouldn’t be too surprising.

clients?: i’d imagine that some people have paid her in the past to bring misfortune to their enemies. they probably paid her some money to put a lil curse on them. it’s never anything permanent. if they paid her extra, maybe she did some research and brought them something to blackmail them with.

targets: the people that her clients have paid her to curse. she’s just a third party trying to chase the bag, so no hard feelings, really -- but if your muse somehow found out they got cursed by her, she’d be willing to reverse it for a price.

pawns: maybe she views them as weak. maybe she just finds them funny. either way, she has little respect for your muse and will mess with them for her own entertainment. it’s all in good fun!

people she met while exploring europe: she was up to a lot of shenanigans during those two years, so the possibilities are endless.

[belonglab]

Gaslighting: A Tool of Oppression and Exclusion

by Alisha Patel, Communications & Research Fellow at GenLead|BelongLab

February 2, 2021

“I don’t see color.” This is one of the most common phrases people will use to defend themselves against accusations of racism. It isn’t the best, but at least it’s not explicitly racist, right? In a culture where calling out institutional and systemic racism feels like an ongoing battle that’s fought tiny steps at a time, that phrase feels like an adequate place to start. However, this phrase is actually a form of racial gaslighting, and its acceptance only perpetuates stereotypes and the racism we are trying to fight.

Gaslighting in general is a form of manipulation and psychological abuse where the perpetrator convinces the victim that they are imagining or overreacting to abuse. Over time, this can solidify the perpetrator’s position of power over the victim, turning it into an ongoing cycle of abuse. The effects of gaslighting are extensive-- the victim will start to second guess themselves and their judgments. While this form of manipulation is often talked about with regard to personal relationships, it can additionally be used to to cloak bigotry like racism.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting often is used to excuse microaggressions in all forms. It can invalidate someone’s experience of perceived racism by subtly denying their feelings and emotions, excusing implicit comments meant to demean or discredit them, or even excusing explicit attacks on them. Its effects are grave; it subtly reinforces and sustains racial and social hierarchies that inevitably hurt minority groups. Not only does racial gaslighting allow stereotypes to continue, but it also degrades the victim’s sense of self and teaches them to invalidate their own instincts and judgments.

For example, imagine if someone had experienced racism in the workplace and attempted to tell a fellow coworker about the incident; instead of empathizing, the coworker reassured the victim “it couldn’t possibly be racism,” “it is all in your head,” or “you’re too sensitive.” Statements like this place the perpetrator in a position of power and control under the guise of morality, while undermining the victim’s experience as lesser-than. In turn, the victim can develop feelings of anxiety and depression as they start believing they cannot trust themselves and cannot express their emotions outwardly. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Roberta Babb, racial gaslighting also, “overtly and covertly erodes a person’s sense of self, self-worth, agency and confidence.” Thus, racial gaslighting feeds internalized oppression and Imposter Syndrome.

Racial gaslighting is so common that it is sometimes difficult to tell when it is happening, and it can even be unconscious or unintentional. Normalized phrases like “I don’t see color” seem to mean well at first glance, but in actuality serve to invalidate the struggles of a minority group while erasing the group’s lived history. It tells the listener, quite unequivocally, “I am not racist. What you are perceiving as racism on my part cannot possibly be racism.” Phrases like these are un-nuanced and oversimplified takes that may have been accepted in the past, but as we learn more about deep and entrenched racism, we see they are outdated, insensitive, and quite frankly, racist.

This type of manipulation often is used by mainstream media and people in power, ingraining its use in our culture and further highlighting the power dynamics underpinning racial gaslighting. Think of Donald Trump and his response to protest movements through the past year: On one hand, he refused to condemn Neo-Nazi protestors, saying there were “fine people on both sides.” But he mischaracterized Black Lives Matter protests calling for an end to police brutality as thugs and threatened them with the National Guard, warning “when the looting starts, the shooting starts.” He then mischaracterized the white supremacist, violent insurrection he incited on January 6th as a march, declaring his love for the insurrectionists. According to Trump, white supremacists are allowed the benefit of the doubt and could possibly be good people at heart. Yet, those in support of black lives are automatically dangerous and should be perceived as a threat. With these statements, Donald Trump at once validates the platform of white supremacists while invalidating black lives in the United States and negating the idea that racism is a problem; he normalizes the presence of white supremacy while revealing the inability of the country to acknowledge its inherent racism and bigotry. Anyone witnessing photos and images of how the BLM protesters were treated versus how the white supremacist insurrectionists were treated at our Capitol can see that racial gaslighting has deeply permeated our country systemically and is a problem that outlives the Trump presidency.

Gender Gaslighting

Also problematic is gender gaslighting, where a woman may not feel comfortable voicing concerns about sexism because her concerns are automatically dismissed. Consider a woman -- let’s call her Jana -- who has been working for a company for many years and is very qualified for a promotion. Yet every time Jana expects to be promoted, a man is given the promotion instead, even though he has had less time at the company and is not as qualified. Jana may attempt to discuss this with her boss, but he insists it has nothing to do with her gender; he tells her she is overanalyzing the situation and being over-sensitive. While it is possible that Jana’s boss could be telling the truth, it is more likely that her gender is in fact playing a role in not receiving a promotion, as this pattern has repeated multiple times. However, Jana has learned that she does not have a space to speak up about this sexism, will likely be negatively judged for speaking up and thus have an even harder time getting that promotion, and therefore most likely will not attempt to speak up again. This is the same situation that is seen with racial gaslighting-- the cycle will continue for Jana, and her emotions may inevitably turn inwards, convincing her that she is not qualified for any promotion and deserves to be limited to her current level.

COVID-19 Gaslighting

We even see gaslighting around COVID-19. As a college student at a very urban university, the pandemic has shaken up every single aspect of college life. Though my school has adjusted as best as possible (we are tested twice a week and receive our results within 24 hours; most classes are online and if they aren’t, there are usually less than five people in-person, all socially-distanced; so on and so forth), interacting with other students and people my age really reveals the mindset around the pandemic.

As the pandemic has raged on, it feels as though people have accepted its presence, or stopped caring altogether. It’s a stark difference from the first lockdown in March, where it felt (at least for the most part) that everyone was on the same page. But now, instead of staying inside and mitigating the impacts of the pandemic, it feels as though it’s now a matter of working around the pandemic to do things we used to do. Those who are still staying inside have become more of the minority than the majority, and are sometimes gaslighted to feel overly paranoid for continuing to take the pandemic seriously. This gaslighting is clearly very harmful to society as a whole, as it simultaneously perpetuates coronavirus while undermining common sense and the empathy to care about the collective nation.

COVID gaslighting can exist on a small interpersonal level. Consider a situation where two friends want to get together, but one is insisting on following social distancing regulations while the other is suggesting to abandon them altogether. The one wanting to abandon social distancing may claim that they have both been isolating themselves since the beginning of the pandemic, and it is unlikely that they could infect each other. They may go on to call their friend overly paranoid of the virus and accuse them of not wanting to get together. Though this is not actually the case, the friend who was attempting to follow COVID regulations is made to be the villain, which is a common gaslighting mechanism.

Even worse, COVID gaslighting has been perpetuated by some people in power, who can afford to preach a careless and selfish mentality around COVID-19 because, even when they contract the virus, they have the money, power, and resources to combat it. Meanwhile, they continue to manipulate the American public into believing that COVID is not something to be taken seriously.Their followers adopt the same invincible mindset, but it is clear that they -- and most other average Americans -- are not in the same situation and do not have the same money and resources to combat COVID if needed. The situation is even worse for identity groups that have been historically oppressed.

Many Black and brown communities are disproportionately affected by COVID-19: African-Americans deaths are two times higher than would be expected for their population, and it is the same for Hispanics and Latinos. On the other hand, white deaths from COVID are “lower than their share of the population in 37 states.” These disparities result from institutionalized and systemic racism (fed by racial gaslighting) that has been snowballing since our country’s inception.

Combatting Racism by Contending with Gaslighting

It is in no way, shape, or form the victim’s responsibility to attempt to change their gaslighter’s behavior. Instead, it is important for us to create safe spaces for these victims to be heard and validated. Thus, putting a stop to gaslighting begins by looking inwardly at our own behavior and preconceived biases; particularly, if you find yourself recognizing some of the behaviors symptomatic of gaslighting, it may be wise to engage in self-introspection and attempt to accept some responsibility. Though some gaslighting may be done unintentionally or what you believed to be well-meaning, it clearly is still harmful and must be mitigated. To confront the biases that may underlie your possible gaslighting of others, you can also take this online test that examines and assesses internal biases that you may not have even noticed (it takes about 10-15 minutes). Attempt to challenge these internal biases, and pay attention to how they affect your interactions with others.

Additionally, be prepared and open to truly listen to and learn from other people and their experiences, and focus on increasing your awareness of others’ circumstances. These steps can begin the process of acknowledging gaslighter responsibility. By first starting on a personal scale, we can expand this introspection to a larger scale and begin holding the racist systems in our country accountable.

If you find yourself a victim of gaslighting, it is important to safeguard your mental health. This can be done by taking a step back from the situation and removing yourself from the environment to consider the hurtful behavior and resulting emotions. You can write down your thoughts to affirm your judgement as valid and for reference if necessary. It also can be helpful to talk with other members of your identity group and share experiences like this. Affirmation from others with similar circumstances can validate your experience of harmful gaslighting and remind you that you are not alone. This can help you to trust yourself more as well as recognize the gaslighting as it is happening.

In the moment gaslighting is occurring, it is important to call out the behavior publicly (when possible and safe to do so), showing the perpetrator and others in proximity that the behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Further (again, to the extent safe and not harmful), you can talk one-on-one with the perpetrator to discuss the behavior, making sure to describe the behavior and why it is harmful. Setting boundaries (e.g., taking a step back, removing yourself from the situation, as described above) will help to loosen any grip the negative environment or perpetrator may have on you.

As an ally, it is important to help support victims of racial gaslighting by helping to call out the unacceptable behavior, as well as creating a safe space for victims to express themselves and be heard and respected. Make sure that what you are doing is not self-indulgent or performative, but rather is truly helpful to the victim and in their self interest.

Combatting racism in a present day context is not an easy task -- it is extremely complicated and has far-reaching and entrenched roots in the United States. That said, the task should begin with dismantling the practices that perpetuate racism on interpersonal and societal scales. By recognizing racial gaslighting, it is possible to disrupt stereotypes and racial hierarchies, while also offering the historically oppressed, excluded, and marginalized a safe space to speak and be heard, which uncloaks hard truths from underneath imposed false narratives. Those who insist they don’t see color are not seeing people of color and their lived experiences.

Without seeing the hard truths, we are unable to address them.

[iheartsunset]

Taylor headcanons?

Taylor Papa Louie HCs

(Aaaaaaaa I love this boy so much like gosh darn he’s amazing and beautiful and second only to W A L L Y in my heart)

-Taylor Morales (sorry I love into the spiderverse too much) is a 20 year old professional dancer, baseball player, and Hotdoggeria worker who lives with his foster brother, Chuck, in their Tastyville apartment. One of the sweetest guys you could ever meet, he’s become a real pillar in his community, especially after starting a foundation helping at risk children and families everywhere. He spends most of his days lovingly daydreaming about his boyfriend and girlfriend, serving sports fanatics at the stadium, and doing stupid stuff with Chuck. He’s also studying to become a graphic designer for video games.

-He’s a generous person who is always seen with a huge dorky smile on his face. Taylor loves sports and has so much energy, he can hardly sit still sometimes. He’s also very chill and is not easy to anger or sadden at all, all qualities making him very popular around most of the people he meets. Secretly, he’s a hopeless romantic (or uh, just very romantic i guess since he did end up getting the guy and the girl?) that is practically obsessed with fairytales, rom coms, and Asian drama’s happy endings. He gets very flustered with actual romance though, and is one of the worst people in the world at flirting. A disaster bi is what you could describe him as. The only thing that keeps him calm while thinking of love is his extensive musical playlists, ones he has for every emotion he could possibly have.

-Taylor grew up in Flipline’s foster care system, periodically living with multiple families until finally staying with Chuck and his mother, Alessia. Having been raised by several indifferent strangers after his struggling parents, Taylor immediately grew close with his newfound family, even though Chuck was initially cold to him out of jealousy. The two have become the closest of friends, even calling each other brothers. After Alessia passed away in an accident during work, Chuck and Taylor have opted to stay together in the meantime. Chuck is thinking of moving to Calypso Island to be with Utah, much to Taylor’s dismay, but he’s still happy for his brother.

-After moving in with the Ferrara’s, Taylor met Cooper, an older boy who lived a few apartments down from them, and fell in love. He however didn’t have the guts to say anything until 6 years later, although he had been crushing on a certain blonde attending the same night college as him (Prudence, I should’ve just said Prudence). Chuck hyped him up one night to confess his love, only for Cooper to introduce his new coworker, Prudence, to him, causing Taylor to have a huge crisis since he fell in love with them both. Well it turns out everyone was in love with each other, so now they’re all together and they’re very happy.

-He competed on Flipline’s Got Talent as a solo act singer and a dance group member on two different seasons: the 23rd season when he was 15 and the 26th season when he was 18. Even though he’s talented in both song and dance, his acts have never gotten far in the competition, even though he is one of the more well known competitors. He doesn’t really care about winning, he just wants to show off his skills somewhere that wasn’t the street or on Tik Tok. He even made friends with lots of the other contestants (Scarlett and the Shakers, Timm, Cecelia, etc.) but not Bill and Booosy, absolutely not, just no.

-I think his voice would either be like Labrinth or The Weeknd. Maybe a mix of both?

-He watched reality shows and game shows all the time, mostly The Masked Singer, Jeopardy, Flipline’s Got Talent, and Dancing With The Stars. He also enjoys shows like Lovecraft Country, Once Upon A Time, Gossio Girl, and Friends. He just has certain media bookmarked depending on his mood and what type of season it is.

-Taylor loves to dance, but he will still sing I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2 on the baseball field whenever he can. He’s memorized all of the choreography, lyrics, and even has the dang costumes.

-He actually doesn’t have many close friends. He gets along with lots of people and all the other workers, but he pretty much hangs out all the time with his besties Koilee and Willow as they bond over their family issues. Peggy’s another one of his besties and he’s also bro’s with Utah since she’s Chuck’s girlfriend, it Drakson and Carlo are sorta cold to him cause they’re kinda jerks. Anyways, he, Willow, and Koilee are an iconic trio with such different interests, but they’ll always do stupid shit and vibe with each other. Their outfits all clash due to their different styles (Koilee’s harajuku/decora kei/delinquent style, Willow’s gothic Lolita, and Taylor’s own athletic and baggy clothes), making them quite a spectacle walking down the street.

-He can’t hear anything most of the time cause he’s always listening to music or something on his phone, so he always almost dies in accidents he doesn’t notice or gets yelled at for not paying attention.

-All of his romantic gestures often go bad, like his heart shaped pancakes nearly burning down the kitchen. To make up for this, he writes Prudence and Cooper poems with Koilee’s help and leaves them in their bags. He’ll also do a my cosplay Cooper wants and will endure 15 hour shopping trips with Prudence. They’re just a wholesome couple I 🥺

-He and Chuck use each other as both weapons and human shields. Just imagine Soul Eater except instead of turning into a weapon, they just stay the way they are. Yeah Chuck hitting you with Taylor is not an ideal situation cause I bet it hurts.

-He often streams with Tohru. He’s into any game genre really, but he’s the best at retro games and sports games. He’s fine with playing Wadanohara, Among Us, Final Fantasy 7, Welcome To The Game, and other types of games too. He’s just the perfect gaming partner and he might even start his own channel since he’s so popular with Tohru’s fan base.

-When Chuck moves out, he’ll probably get a pet rabbit since Prudence and Cooper have pets and he won’t be left out. He might name it Batter and he’s very excited at the idea of having a floppy eared rabbit. He doesn’t realize that Chuck doesn’t mind having a rabbit around, but Taylor doesn’t inconveniencing anyone really.

-He mostly lacks common sense and has little ability to read the room, often getting him into sticky situations, which isn’t bad, but it’s inconvenient. Scooter crudely calls him a himbo and he knows what that means, so he’s started studying random trivia in order to seem smarter. Little does he know, we all love him either way.

-In a Papa’s Workers poll, he ranked 6th in popularity, after all 4 members of Scarlett and the Shakers and Carlo Romano.

-His pick up lines are really bad puns. Just go on tinder and wait for people to tell you pick up lines. Find the one that makes you want to cry the most and there’s Taylor.

-I simp over Taylor and I’m kinda ashamed of that, but yeah I do and can you blame me? He’s perfection Mr. Tony and Mr. Matt did an amazing job on him I am looking I am paying attention always have been ever since 2nd grade 👀

[shinygoku]

Top 10 CSatM Episodes (1/2)

Ahhh, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons...! Probably only Second to Thunderbirds when it comes to the most popular and beloved Supermarination programme, with only Stingray able to compete for that coveted Silver Medal. But for me, it’s my Favourite!

I could go on and on about it, but for now I’ll go over my personal picks for a Top 10, which may give some insight into what about the way the series ticks makes it so enthralling.

Without further ado, let’s jump in! I’m not ordering them by preference, but rather the Episode order as I watched them on my DVDs (tediously the ep listings never seem to be consistent :T) Spoilers for all eps covered! ✂

Winged Assassin

Starting off my Favourites is the 2nd episode of the whole show, featuring a good condensed version of the events of Ep 1 if ya missed it and probably the best explanation on the workings of Retrometabolism that canon media is ever gonna grant us. The plot is fairly straightforward, but what elevates this is the aforementioned Exposition, which feels more organic than it did last episode, the interactions between Scarlet and Blue, and even the shocking twist at the ending, where the mission that had been going so well falls at the very last hurdle, in spite of Spectrum’s best efforts.

One of the most chilling visuals in the series is a surfaced shard of a downed passenger plane floating up from the sea, before the camera pans out to show the duplicated plane flying through the air, and another dark shot later on, of Scarlet’s limp hand with blood running down after he died in the effort to prevent the massive explosion that occurs regardless.

Winged Assassin sets a lot of standards of things to follow; traits like massive collateral damage just as part of the Mysteron’s grander scheme, the close partnership of Scarlet and Blue, Scarlet’s seldom used Sixth Sense and even the occasional downer ending, where the Mysterons manage to sneak a victory in and actually kill or destroy their stated target.

White as Snow

This episode shines a very interesting light on the dynamics between Col. White and Scarlet. It’s obviously one of a superior giving orders most of the time, but in a twist from the somewhat strict nature of Jeff Tracy over his sons who show respect to their father by not arguing back, with these two there’s actually the occassional spark of friction, that Scarlet will voice when he doesn’t like the commands and will only reluctantly go through the motions in the situation. I’m referring mostly to the first Mysteron attack, where a satellite is on a collision course with Cloudbase, but Scarlet unsubtly opposes the plan as there’s the possibility of innocent people on board who would get killed if Spectrum shot it down first. However, he’s overruled... and it turns out that it was indeed a trap, the people on board had been exploded hours ago and what was shot down was a Replicant copy. And that’s just the first half of the episode! But I find it interesting that again, back in Thunderbirds, the call to not remotely destroy something like that on the offchance it was populated would be the Correct course of action, but in this show pragmatism is needed, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Anyway, the episode has another Mysteron attack aboard a submarine, with plenty of tension... but yet, there’s something of a comedic bend to the episode, such as a furious White shouting at the currently dead Scarlet, much to the Naval crew’s confusion, and the scene at the end which I’ve taken the picture from. The weakest part of the episode is probably Blue in charge of Cloudbase, as he doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing and I feel they coulda done more with him. Oh well! At least we got the fantastic music insert, which is also titled White as Snow.

Operation Time

Probably ranking in my Top 3, Operation Time is pretty remarkably both one of the most tension filled... yet an extremely funny episode. I guess some of that’s just due to my own odd sense of humour, though some moments are clearly intentional. Both the operation scenes, the Mysteron’s pursuit of the Doctor, and finally Spectrum chasing the Mysteron!Doctor are all played very suspensefully, and I find myself holding my breath. But then the funny scenes, like everything with Magenta and how hilariously pissy and unsubtle the Fake!Doctor gets leave me in stitches! [pun unintended lol]

I dunno, maybe some of the amusement effect is enhanced by the strong contrast between the scenes. Also we get a very grisly death for the Fake!Doctor and this episode establishes weaknesses for the Mysterons that will come up in future instalments. There’s a lot this ep has to offer, even something of an insight into 60′s medicine (though the series is set in 2068). While an extremely minor point, both the scenes with operations have the pssssshh.....fsssssshhhh sound that I associate with ventilators even though they ain’t being used, what’s up with that? But it’s another thing to add to the Atmosphere so s’all good, man.

Odd that I can’t think of much else to put here, I love it so much but maybe it’s so solid in the couple of things it does that’s all there really is to say? I’m feeling frustrated at how I don’t seem to have written enough for it, but trust me when I say it’s excellent and that it’s absolutely a Must Watch if you’re giving the series a look. (Though again, I’m spoiling each ep covered so uhh... read at your own risk if you’re using this to judge it!)

The Heart of New York

An interesting tale that I’ve actually Heard more than I’ve watched, as the audio adaptation is a free sample on the official Gerry Anderson site! [At least at the time of writing lmao, it’s worth a look anyway. This message was not paid for.]

This story is somewhat unique in that the Mysterons’ plan is pretty tame by their standards. They want to blow up... a Bank. Sure, it contributes to the long game they play, causing disruption and destruction, but compared to the casual massive collateral damage they inflict as part of a more focused murder attempt (again, see Winged Assassin and the passenger plane) this is small potatoes. But still, they end up feeling more moral in this episode than the actual ne’er do wells, a trio of would-be Robbers. These guys are pretty assholish, deliberately using the horrible cosmic war that’s already taken lives in the triple digits to hide behind while they take their pickings from a vault. Captain Black locking these morons in with the explosives feels like poetic justice, that they really did get what they wanted and are punished in kind.

Maybe this feeds the Mysteron’s point, that humans are aggressive, corrupt and selfish... though Colonel White challenges this view at the end of the episode, stating the robbers aren’t indicative of humanity as a whole. The whole shebang is a lot like The Twilight Zone, honestly. All we need is Rod Serling to open and close the episode...

Point 783

This episode is a bit harder to go into depth on, to be honest, it’s not one with a particular gimmic that makes it more memorable, but it’s a very solid ep all the same. There’s still a fair few layers that keep me thinking, like how it seems one of the Methane Trunk drivers had seemingly been Mysterionised offscreen to enable the Mysteron’s main pawns to me made. Then the first attempt to kill the Supreme Commander is thwarted by Scarlet’s (somewhat inconsistant) Mysteron Sense and perspex tubes that take their sweet time to descend and don’t even prioritise the actual target lol

Anyway, the meat of the episode is focused on the guest vehicle, the Unitron implacable unmanned Tank that can be controlled remotely by human operator or programmed to destroy something particular, and it will not stop or slow down no matter what’s thrown at it. Something something Proto-Drone Warfare commentary. The Mysterons’ last big attempt to assassinate today’s dude has one of their Mysterionised guys from earlier become the target, unknown to everyone else until he draws his gun inside the SPV (who even points out the 6th sense didn’t activate!). Scarlet gets shot 3 times but manages to eject himself and the Supreme Commander, which leads to the above scene, which offers a nice, human response.

Mr Supreme Commander later chews Blue out as it emerges instead of Scarlet going to a Hospital within 10 minutes, Spectrum insisted on waiting for one of their Helicopters to pick him up, which took 3 hours. Poor Blue has to try reassuring the army guys that Scarlet will be fine, truuuuust hiiiim. It makes me wonder if Spectrum is making things easier or harder overall by keeping his Retrometabolism under their hats, though I can understand they’d have reservations, but just trying to gloss over it with a ‘no no, it’s fine, he’ll get better.’ type answer doesn’t seem all that convincing. But I enjoy that it’s semi challenged here. And this episode summary ended up longer than expected cause all the Thinking I’ve done, haha!

=======

This has gotten a lot longer than expected and will be Two Parts! Find the second half here~

[muffinapologist]

Birthday Cake

On A03

warnings: moralitwins, platonic demus, platonic logicality, platonic loceit, graphic depictions of baking cakes, mental breakdowns. angst and fluff.

When it comes to ‘birthdays’ Janus is more inclined to agree with Logan. As sides of one personality they don’t truly have birthdays. Their birthdays, like the rest of them, were constructs. Closer to anniversaries than actual birthdays. No real reason to celebrate.

No reason to get all depressed and angsty when one spends it alone.

February 3rd, the anniversary of when Janus started appearing in Thomas’s videos. The anniversary of when the man first became aware of the deceitful side.

This would be his third year celebrating such a date as his ‘birthday’. So, really, it isn’t too much of a shock to the system for it to also be the first year since then that he’s spending February 3rd alone. Two years in a row is hardly a tradition make.

Not like before, celebrating June 6, as close to a real birthday as anything could be for a side. The day he first formed. He remembers it more clearly than a side like Logan, or Virgil would. Because he wasn’t formed over months and years. It had happened rather suddenly, actually.

But there was no need to reminisce over lost childhood. It has been decades (nearly plural). And Janus isn’t about to spend his day sentimental over spilled batter and the sound of bubbling laughter.

Nor will he spend it mourning the loss of hands over his eyes--scratchy material of long sleeves against his nails--that warm and familiar obnoxiously flamboyant voice declaring “happy birthday Janny”. Over the reveal of some monstrous cake that absolutely did not taste delicious anyway.

So what if he and Patton didn’t celebrate the same birthday anymore?

So what if the ‘light’ sides abhorred his existence? (well, with the exception of Logan who insisted he was neutral)

So what if Remus was a bit sour over being used for Janus’s plans?

It is what it is. Janus does not feel sorry, he does not regret anything. He got what he wanted. He got his seat at the table.

Today is a day like any other. Not a birthday. His birthday is June 6th . He doesn’t have a birthday.

He doesn’t need to be on good terms with his brother; Patton is willing to work with him and that’s all Janus needs to gain a foothold. He doesn’t need the friendship of the lightsides. Remus will forgive him eventually.

Lies come easily to Janus, always have. He lies to the others, he lies to Thomas, and he lies to himself. He tells himself these lies on a loop the moment he realizes Remus isn’t going to even say ‘hi’ let alone his usual insistent celebration.

(and Janus has always wondered, how the others had so easily forgotten that aspect to Remus; the loyalty, the love. Perhaps his way of showing it was a tad… disgusting. But he had somehow found a way to love Janus for all his faults.)

Janus lies to himself and insists that it is not at all significant that he’d done something bad enough to drive even Remus away.

At some point he convinces himself he needs cake. That's what’s missing. All this birthday nonsense has given him a craving , that’s all. So what if Remus wasn’t here to make one? Janus could do it on his own. He was an adult, perfectly capable of baking a simple pastry.

He lands on the page in their old cookbook for a ‘funfetti’ cake (a plain vanilla cake recipe with additional instructions scribbled over it in blue crayon) and tells himself he selects it for its simplicity.

It absolutely does not fill him with a hollow longing feeling.

“Don’t stir so fast it’s going to--”

The warning does not come nearly soon enough to stop the enthusiastic over-stirring that causes cake batter to splash everywhere.

Patton halts, gives him a lopsided sheepish smile “sorry Jan”

“S’okay Patt. You know what they say; no use in crying over spilt batter.”

“Isn’t it spilt milk?”

“No, i’m certain the saying is batter.”

When Janus feels his eyes sting he tells himself it’s the sun in his eyes, and he closes the kitchen’s blinds to block out some of the light.

Cakes are simple, really. Straightforward. Eggs, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder.

Rainbow sprinkles.

Sometimes Janus wonders if that’s why he struggles so much with baking, straightforward is against his nature. The batter looks wrong, he can already tell it won’t turn out. But he pours it into a greased cake tin regardless. Because the longer he spends on this endeavor the longer he can pretend that his problem is a lack of cake.

“What is that monstrosity?” Janus asks, with exasperated fondness.

“Cake!” Remus declares proudly, as if not sensing the disgust in the other’s tone (or possibly simply preening at it)

“It looks like something’s already eaten it”

“Aww, thank you Janny!”

“Do I have to eat this?”

“Yes” a pause and an eyeroll “Don’t be dramatic snakey, it’s all decoration. It’s a real cake underneath.”

“Thank you Remus”

“Happy birthday Jan”

Janus decides it’s a bit too pathetic, even in his current state, to watch the cake baking in the oven. So he preoccupies himself with cleaning up the preparations. Slowly, because the sooner he finishes the sooner he has nothing to do and he cannot be left with his thoughts right now.

It doesn’t matter, no matter how he stretches it out, he can’t possibly clean for the entire duration of the cake’s cooking time. So he makes frosting. Something he wasn’t originally planning on bothering doing. But you know what they say about idle hands...well, something or other about the devil.

Mixing frosting is also straightforward. Softened butter, milk, vanilla, confectioner's sugar.

Rainbow sprinkles.

“The sprinkles go on the frosting, not in it.”

“But there’s even more sprinkles if we do it both ways. Besides, it’s our recipe. We can make it however we want right?”

“Careful Patt, you’re turning into a rebel.”

Patton sputters and Janus laughs.

The frosting turns out better than the cake, slightly lumpy but speckled with color. Janus covers the bowl with cling wrap and sets it in the fridge while the cake cools on the counter.

Baked, the cake doesn’t look so bad. Although it does fall apart as Janus removes it from the tin. Distantly, he remembers some baking show Thomas watched-while extremely bored and procrastinating- had mentioned to wait for the cake to cool before removing it from the tin. But it’s too late now. He can always plaster the pieces together with frosting later.

No one other than Janus himself is going to see the cake anyway, who cares if it’s ugly as sin?

Janus does have enough sense, however, not to attempt any frosting related reconstruction while the cake is still hot. Cleaning up the mess from making the frosting doesn’t take very long, especially since he can’t clean out the bowl just yet. (he is able to clean out the cake tin but due to the baking spray there’s not much to scrub and he’s done in minutes)

“Happy birthday,” Logan-still called Curiosity rather than Logic at that time-holds out a poorly wrapped gift, one for each of the twins. One with yellow paper and the other with blue.

Janus briefly considers not opening his at all, even with the lack of skill it’s probably the prettiest gift he’s ever seen.

But Patton rips into his and soon Janus gives in as well.

“Thank you Lo,” Patton jumps with excitement and wraps his arms around the Curious side. Janus repeats the sentiment, with only marginally less enthusiasm.

It’s just the three of them for right now. A happy little family on June 6th.

Patton would have celebrated his birthday on January 15th this year, Janus’s mind supplies without permission and without warning, just as he had for the past five years. He wonders, before he can stop himself from doing so, if Patton ever feels the same sense of wrongness on January 15th as Janus feels on February 3rd.

Unlikely. Patton seemed perfectly content to forget that he has a twin.

That was their long standing lie. One that still joined them together as equal participants. Patton was morality and Janus was deceit and that was that. Nothing more to see here folks. Move right along.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, and the cake on the counter is still warm to the touch, but Janus figures that not losing his sanity further is worth some melted frosting; so he starts piling it on anyway. When it melts and slides off he just layers more on.

The benefit to this-objectively awful-approach is that it requires three times the amount of time than frosting a cake like a competent person would. As far as Janus is concerned, the more wasted time the better. The closer the clock ticks to February 4th the closer he is to being relieved from his not-birthday.

No amount of decorations can save the cake at this point, but Janus tops it with more rainbow sprinkles anyway. Because it’s what Patton would have done. Because it’s something to do to take up a little more time.

When it’s finished, though; when Janus has cut himself a piece, setting it on the counter; it doesn’t get tasted. Ofcourse, Janus had known from the beginning that he wasn’t really craving cake. That he didn’t even particularly like sweets, and the only reason he associated cake with birthdays was because people always insisted he partake.

And it wasn’t cake that made those moments sweet.

It’s a good thing he’s alone, Janus tells himself, when he stares at the drooping, crumbling cake and thinks ‘well isn’t that just a metaphor for my entire existence’ and can no longer hold back tears.

So much for Patton being the cry baby.

“Oh”

The sudden sound of someone else’s voice most certainly does not make Janus jump.

Patton looks a bit awkward, clutching a plate with an equally disastrous looking cake on top. White with rainbow sprinkles. Funfetti. Janus has just enough awareness to flush with embarrassment and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

He clears his throat and straightens his cape slightly. “Can I help you?”

Patton opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again. He appears to be thinking really hard about something and Janus is about to say something about not needing pity when Patton finally speaks;

“I miss spending our birthday together.”

“It’s not our birthday,” comes Janus’s immediate reply.

“I know.” Patton replies.

They stare at each other a moment longer before Janus motions for Patton to take a seat at the counter. The father figure does, and the reptilian side slides his untouched piece of cake towards the other. Patton gives him a slice of his own cake, and both twins eat in silence for a moment.

Janus cuts through the silence this time, with a sly grin “Patt, this is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted.”

“Really? Because I think yours is pretty good,” Patton replies. “In fact, I think it’s maybe the best cake i’ve ever had.”

Janus gives him a skeptical look, but digs his fork into the remains of the cake he baked to taste it. The frosting is grainy and off-putting and the cake is crumbly and dry and he barely avoids coughing afterwards. “You’re getting better at lying.”

“I learned from the best,” Patton jokes back. “But I mean it. I think it’s the best cake i’ve ever had. It tastes like...not being alone anymore.”

“That’s a lot to put on a cake.” Janus retorts. He’s never been especially good with sentimentality.

Patton just shrugs in response.

“Hey Patt?”

“Yeah Jan?”

“On June 6th let’s just order a cake.”

Patton gives a snort-laugh hybrid. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

-----

When Janus knocks he’s somewhat surprised he even gets an answer. He supposes it shouldn’t be surprising, Remus may be mad at him but he’s not cruel. Still, the creative side glares at him.

“What?”

Janus holds the road-kill esque funfetti cake out to Remus. His best friend. “I’m sorry, Re. I…”

He’s not good with apologies, either, but apparently, that’s enough; because he’s pulled into an immediate-sticky-hug.

“Happy birthday Janny.”

[elisaenglish]

Simone de Beauvoir on How Chance and Choice Converge to Make Us Who We Are

My life … runs back through time and space to the very beginnings of the world and to its utmost limits. In my being I sum up the earthly inheritance and the state of the world at this moment.

To be alive is to marvel — at least occasionally, at least with glimmers of some deep intuitive wonderment — at the Rube Goldberg machine of chance and choice that makes us who we are as we half-stride, half-stumble down the improbable paths that lead us back to ourselves. My own life was shaped by one largely impulsive choice at age thirteen, and most of us can identify points at which we could’ve pivoted into a wholly different direction — to move across the continent or build a home here, to leave the tempestuous lover or to stay, to wait for another promotion or quit the corporate day job and make art. Even the seemingly trivial choices can butterfly enormous ripples of which we may remain wholly unwitting — we’ll never know the exact misfortunes we’ve avoided by going down this street and not that, nor the exact magnitude of our unbidden graces.

Perhaps our most acute awareness of the lacuna between the one life we do have and all the lives we could have had comes in the grips of our fear of missing out — those sudden and disorienting illuminations in which we recognise that parallel possibilities exist alongside our present choices. “Our lived lives might become a protracted mourning for, or an endless tantrum about, the lives we were unable to live,” wrote the psychoanalyst Adam Phillips in his elegant case for the value of our unlived lives. “But the exemptions we suffer, whether forced or chosen, make us who we are.”

The garland of those exemptions strews our sense of self — our constellating experience of personal identity which, as the poet and philosopher John O’Donohue so incisively observed, “is not merely an empirical process of appropriating or digesting blocks of life.”

No one has captured that ultimate existential awareness more beautifully, nor with greater nuance, than the trailblazing French existentialist philosopher and feminist Simone de Beauvoir (January 9, 1908–April 14, 1986) in her autobiography, All Said and Done (public library).

From the fortunate rostrum of her own long life, De Beauvoir reflects on this constellation of chance and choice:

“Every morning, even before I open my eyes, I know I am in my bedroom and my bed. But if I go to sleep after lunch in the room where I work, sometimes I wake up with a feeling of childish amazement — why am I myself? What astonishes me, just as it astonishes a child when he becomes aware of his own identity, is the fact of finding myself here, and at this moment, deep in this life and not in any other. What stroke of chance has brought this about?”

With an eye to the element of chance and its myriad manifestations, she adds:

“The penetration of that particular ovum by that particular spermatozoon, with its implications of the meeting of my parents and before that of their birth and the births of all their forebears, had not one chance in hundreds of millions of coming about. And it was chance, a chance quite unpredictable in the present state of science, that caused me to be born a woman. From that point on, it seems to me that a thousand different futures might have stemmed from every single movement of my past: I might have fallen ill and broken off my studies; I might not have met Sartre; anything at all might have happened.”

But the most curious part of this perplexity, De Beauvoir notes, is that despite the larger cosmic accident of all life and the chance nature of our particular lives within it, we experience ourselves and our existence as non-accidental — a disconnect that fringes on the free will paradox. She writes:

“Tossed into the world, I have been subjected to its laws and its contingencies, ruled by wills other than my own, by circumstance and by history: it is therefore reasonable for me to feel that I am myself contingent. What staggers me is that at the same time I am not contingent. If I had not been born no question would have arisen: I have to take the fact that I do exist as my starting point. To be sure, the future of the woman I have been may turn me into someone other than myself. But in that case it would be this other woman who would be asking herself who she was. For the person who says “Here am I” there is no other coexisting possibility. Yet this necessary coincidence of the subject and his history is not enough to do away with my perplexity. My life: it is both intimately known and remote; it defines me and yet I stand outside it.”

Considering the precise nature of this “curious object,” De Beauvoir draws on the physics that revolutionised the human understanding of life and reality in her lifetime, and writes:

“Like Einstein’s universe, it is both boundless and finite. Boundless: it runs back through time and space to the very beginnings of the world and to its utmost limits. In my being I sum up the earthly inheritance and the state of the world at this moment.

[…]

And yet life is also a finite reality. It possesses an inner heart, a centre of interiorisation, a me which asserts that it is always the same throughout the whole course. A life is set within a given space of time; it has a beginning and an end; it evolves in given places, always retaining the same roots and spinning itself an unchangeable past whose opening toward the future is limited. It is impossible to grasp and define a life as one can grasp and define a thing, since a life is “an unsummed whole,” as Sartre puts it, a detotalised totality, and therefore it has no being. But one can ask certain questions about it.”

Of course, as De Beauvoir’s American peer and contemporary Susanne Langer has memorably pointed out, our questions invariably shape our answers. But to this central question of whether and to what degree we are contingent upon chance, De Beauvoir offers an answer that radiates the ultimate antidote to regret:

“Chance... has a distinct meaning for me. I do not know where I might have been led by the paths that, as I look back, I think I might have taken but that in fact I did not take. What is certain is that I am satisfied with my fate and that I should not want it changed in any way at all. So I look upon these factors that helped me to fulfill it as so many fortunate strokes of chance.”

Complement this particular fragment of the wholly magnificent All Said and Done with philosopher Rebecca Goldstein on what makes you and your childhood self the same person despite a lifetime of change, then revisit De Beauvoir on freedom, busyness, and why happiness is our moral obligation, vitality and the measure of intelligence, and her daily routine.

Source: Maria Popova, brainpickings.org (6th January 2017)