#She's hurting him and idk what to do abt it
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
akascow · 9 hours ago
Text
okay so
i think the viktor and mel hallucinations during jayce's whole Moment in 2x07, their eyes are just completely black. and its VERY faint but u can KIND OF see the outline of their irises if u look REALLY close (irl)
to show u what i mean:
first ones are just normal settings (tho my computer brightness is all the way up), i only messed with the exposure n highlights of the pictures and stuff in the middle ones, and outlined the eyes in the third ones
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
​which could make sense in terms of his mental state i think ? he maybe feels like he let them down, or betrayed them or couldnt help them in a way ??
they dont feel human to him anymore. or maybe hes created these images so theyre judging him as he can only reminisce on what happened and how he left things
mel’s vision looks maybe like either angry, stubborn, strong willed or annoyed lol... her chin is kinda turned down, with downturned eyebrows, and her lower lids are halfway closed implying that shes like glaring or narrowing her eyes at him, her lips almost look pursed together and i think ? her nostrils are flared but its so hard to tell lmao we only get like three frames of over exposure HAAH take these with a grain of salt lmfao
viktor (even tho i cannot for the life of me read his expression HAHA) to the best of my ability i think kinda looks hurt or confused, maybe innocent for lack of a better term or scared. ((which given how he left jayce it would kinda fit lmao)) BUT his brows are ever so slightly scrunched together, one is higher than the other which usually implies confusion or thinking or admiring. eyes are wide open, mouth is agape a teenie bit, these are usually seen with softer, positive or more admirable expressions, and his chin is tilted upward. im not trying to turn this into a jayvik thing i swear im just comparing to my facial recognition knowledge HAHA
and as he loses himself deeper in the hexcore, the more he starts losing and/or fearing the two ppl he loved most ? ... and worries how he’d get back to them (if at all) and how he would imagine they would react.
the two ppl who not only made and brought him to who he is today, but uplifted and supported and stood by him for ~10 years despite everything
anyway this theory would all pair nicely with the voices that start playing in the background during his lil Montage lmao it kind of culminates into a massive guilty conscious, that then outwardly presents itself in their hallucinations:
“i never asked for this” - jayce to viktor, after their conversation about him breaking their promise about destroying the hexcore, resulting in vik leaving him lmao. also jayce literally turned viktor into this metal husk so hes gotta have that sitting on his shoulders too lmfao
“[heimer] was my mentor, and i betrayed him” - jayce (to mel) abt voting heimer off the council despite heimer ending up being completely right about magic in the first place
“it corrupts” “you must destroy it” “ive seen nations destroyed” - heimer about the hexcore, jayce screams over this as those lines play, anguishing over the fact that he literally did this to himself and hes the reason Piltover is (or will be) no more bc he ignored the warnings
“its your time now jayce” “perhaps its time for the era of magic” - mel to jayce, context is in the quotes HAHA. jayce is screaming no! no! and please! during these lines, i think its just to hammer (pun intended) home on the fact that it all ties back to him for ‘creating’ magic. its on HIM (at least in his own mind) for the destruction of Piltover and all of its people
maybe im just thinking too hard about it idk (im not). or unless this was extremely obvious to the average viewer HAHA. in my defense i spent this whole montage pausing every .6 seconds to take a picture of seggsy and broken and whimpering jayce so i wasnt really paying that much attention to it all AHAHA
anyway do u think this was a hallucination or was it actually the mage standing here with him for a flash lmao
Tumblr media
okay sorry for that long ass post i would add a page break sooner but it would interrupt my flow of thoughts that i need u all to experience like i do HA
35 notes · View notes
user2718273 · 2 days ago
Text
Terrorheads r always dunking on goodsir for the moral absolutism & then having absolutely no nuance in their own conceptions of good & evil. Like when goodsir finally snaps & poisons the mutineers ppl are like "oh see hes a bad person cus he couldnt forgive them cus he only thinks in black & white!!!!" but like bro. If somebody kidnapped u and forced u to carve up your coworkers' bodies for consumption u would not feel too friendly toward them i think. Or just how ppl talk abt goodsir in general. Like yeah he believes in colonizer shit, he was raised by colonizers. Every1 on the ships believes in colonizer shit i fear. But he gets more shit abt it than anyone else bc theres this weird conception that its worse to try and do good and get it wrong than to just straight up act out of vanity or greed. Not that goodsir should be absolved of anything, but its weird how ppl have so little empathy for characters whose desire to do good is tainted by ideological conditioning. Like bro i hate to break it to u. We all have ideological conditioning. If u act like thats some inherent moral flaw and not the inevitable product of living in a society and absorbing that society's beliefs, u will have a very hard time recognizing it outside of tv shows where people are just characters.
Also theres a difference between having no empathy for franklins men bc ur pissed at them and having no empathy out of principle. I feel like theres some recognition of personhood that comes w putting someone on the receiving end of a human emotion like anger, whereas if ur just like "logically i know colonizer bad, so empathy for colonizer = bad," ur putting them on a subhuman level out of the reach of emotion. U dont feel anger or empathy for them. U never find out what u feel toward them bc without accepting the possibility that u might reach muddy, nuanced, morally frustrating conclusions, theres no wiggle room to feel what u feel. But then u never get to feel the anger either. U cant understand things from either side bc once u start trying to sort everything into concrete moral categories, then ur not understanding individuals, ur defining variables, and everything becomes theoretical. I feel like thats part of the reason why when ppl put the expedition on the level of the subhuman, they often elevate the netsilik to the superhuman. Like ppl have a weirdly hard time conceptualizing that silna has complex motivations & is capable of developing complex relationships w other characters? Theyre just like "oh wow shes being so nice to goodsir, she must have stockholm syndrome or be wayyy too forgiving." Cus if u imagine franklins men as having one pure and self-contained nature that opposes the pure and self-contained nature of the netsilik, then theres no way they can genuinely interact. They can only touch each other under the guise of something else. Silna must not adequately understand goodsir's role in the fuckery ripping up her world. Which is ridonkulous to me bc her first interaction w him was when his party shot her father & then goodsir prevented him from dying on the ice. Like. She is not under any illusions that this man isnt part of the hurt and destruction. She just finds a way to care abt him anyway. Not bc she's some fountain of forgiveness, but bc despite the things she must hate about him, there are also things she loves. Same w crozier. Idk if she feels affection for him in the same way she does goodsir, but she def doesnt just save him bc shes a saint. She feels anger and bitterness just like any other person, and if she wanted to, she couldve left crozier to die like des voeux. Personally i think she saved him bc he was the only one left who had seen what she'd seen and she didnt wanna have to bear it alone but idk. She had her reasons. Anyway goodsir is literally a butch buttom so the wokes cant even get her. #She positionality on my moral puritanism til i absolve
19 notes · View notes
httpshujii · 5 months ago
Text
Google history:
How do I bring back the laugh in my dad's eyes before he married again?
10 notes · View notes
yardsards · 13 days ago
Text
"they never dated but they ARE exes" is such a funny relationship for two characters to have. very awkward relationship to have irl tho
#eliot posts#it still IS a little funny irl tho#i visoted her last night cuz i was in town and the vibe was so weird#it's like. we had an EXPLOSIVE breakup years ago and we're on amicable terms now but there's just the past kinda hanging there in the air#im no longer upset about the stuff she did to me but i AM still a lil sore abt how she hurt our other friends#but sometimes i still talk to her out of... idk. nostalgia or something?#idk if it's the same thing driving her to keep talking to me or what#i don't think she holds any ill feelings towards me cuz she admitted she was totally in the wrong for pretty much everything#and the worst i did was be TOO loyal and enable her but at the same time she thinks she'd be worse off if i didn't do all that back then idk#sometimes i wonder if she wants our old relationship but but i've made it clear we'll never be able to go back there#sidenote: her actual ex boyfriend (who i am still besties with and love so much) is the one that started the joke that me and her are exes#he was like ''i think she's not just MY ex girlfriend she's OUR ex girlfriend'' when i was telling my roommate about her#(and then i told her about that and she laughed and agreed that yeah. we basically ARE exes)#her actual ex/my bestie won't talk to her at all anymore and he's totally within his rights to do that#i actually asked him a few years ago if he was okay with me talking to her before i messaged her cuz i didn't wanna risk hurting him#anyway yeah. it's weird#seeing her left me with a lot of feelings that aren't exactly bad just Weird. idk.
14 notes · View notes
lovelyrotter · 2 months ago
Text
can ppl in this fandom like... stop... implying that transmasculinity in hcs or (especially) canon is shallow or misogynistic or even transmisogynistic on princible, like literally just by being prescent in someones mind or in the text. like that doesnt fuckin feel good. thats kind of really nasty to imply. if its not okay to say about other trans experiences, maybe dont say it about this one either. why is there a weird little exception here. yall KNOW how much that sucks to hear all day every day. what the fuck
#my t#idk how to tell the hs fandom that every piece of trans coding in roxy in hs1 can be read as transmasc too. like transfem and transmasc#at the same time from the EXACT same reasons. its almost like we all share experiences just by way of being trans. weird i know#its almost like being trans rlly truly highlights what it is to be human and how we are all in fact at the end of the day human together#i just want everyone to stop trying to 'poke holes' in other fans trans hcs FULL STOP across the board no matter who they are#or what the hc is. its needlessly hurtful and more often than not trips into real peoples dysphoria which then#makes the target more likely to lash out. so the person poking them abt it can do a ''SEE? THEYRE ALL MEAN ONE OF THEM#WAS MEAN TO ME JUST NOW'' routine. its so obviously a 'im not touching u!!!' playground maneuver like holy fuck grow up#if you wanna fight for transfem/me folks right to just exist random fans personal headcanons is not the fuckin time or place#the XY in roxys name could be read as her having been DMAB or it could be hussie having a long running giggle about him preordering#his own transmasculinity. roxys colour being pink could be bc shes a girl or it could be compcis!!!#roxys desperation for a bf is from loneliness in canon but its often read as her feeling like she needs one to be a real girl#it can ALSO be read as another aspect of him struggling with compcis and comphet esp w/ his fantasies abt being 'a mother'#yknow what i never fuckin see that rlly highlights the fact that this is just a shitty 'girls rule boys drool' thing? theres like. no#discussions on the potential of roxy being any kinda intersex. absolutely none. he could be mtftm for all you fuckin know#but oh yknow being mtftm is A Shallow Read so we cant have that. hs is only for girls didnt you know we need to terf- i mean turf#out every single instance of queer mascness bc its Evil in the text didnt you know#god help the fandoms word of god token trans boy dirk strider for 'choosing' his eternal misery while everyone else is enlightened#by way of transforming into a girl. bc we must place girlhood on an inhuman pedistal of perfection and niceness and joy and rainbows#like what IS this mahou shojo brand gender essentialism???? im fuckin sick of it#can we remember that girlhood isnt & wasnt safe or joyful for everyone & that that can translate into how we curate our fandom experiences
12 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 15 days ago
Text
...
#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
19 notes · View notes
ajdrawshq · 5 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#throné . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt 👍#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
11 notes · View notes
thegreatestheaver · 4 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
reblog to slap her bald head
#my art#my ocs#imach quality MIGHT be ass🔥 but whatevs#her weapon is a jjk refrance btw .. if anyone even cares …#toji’s epic sword thing that he used to [REDACTED] gojo is called the inverted spear of heaven :]#it nullifies cursed techniques yay so that’s why Adonai’s sword does the same 👍 but with just .. extra powers(tm)#like classpect powers u kno.. basically u would only have ur physical strength n shit left. all weapons you wield also loose their effect#if ur super weak then it’ll last one minute ! then up to six depending on how strong u are#it can also be re-inflicted as many times as they deem necessary#umm what other Adonai facts do I have#ouhg yes they like wing flight better than god tier flight cos their extra wings help them do CRAYZEE aerial moves😎#think of how a cheeta’s tail helps it make really sharp turns n stuff. like dat#I calculated his height based off how tall Mary is haha she’s 6’1 and I have a rlly old height comparison picture of them#her and Mary are moirails btw :D or at least they were until .. the incident#😁😁😁#they’ve always been a dersie (LAAAAAMEE!!!) since I created them but I was thinking of like how sollux dual dreams 🤨 liek#they r a little different since . it’s just one fucked up guy and idk how it would work LMAOOOO but . I decided. it doesn’t matter#like. At all. since the dreamself died LOOOONGGG before canon#Adonai might b my most well thought out oc tbh#I could yap forever abt him ok enough yapping. my head hurt
7 notes · View notes
dungeons-and-dragon-age · 8 months ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
10 notes · View notes
alullinchaos · 8 months ago
Text
wait off topic if I change Cinder's semblance for my rwby canon-adjacent au.... would this be controversial editing to warn people that the tags are novel length but that i love them and also @graythegreyt pls read them when u have a chance
#wick lore#i have asked myself this question with almost every character but for cinder i was thinking abt her dustweave (?) clothing#dustweave. dust infused. something like that#her v1 outfit that has the design on the sleeves that lights up when she sends out fire. that's her using fire dust that's in the cloth#but as far as i know this is a detail that literally never comes up again like we never see anyone else with clothing like this#so i asked myself. what if that was her semblance instead. that she had the ability to sew dust into cloth#how hard would it be for the girl modelled after cinderella to know that her semblance required her to do domestic labor to be used#thus explaining why it doesn't show up in later volumes because once she gets the maiden powers she thinks she doesn't need it#idk i think making her semblance be 'she can heat stuff up' and thus making her semblance indistinguishable from maiden powers#for the entirety of the series. is a bit of a waste. bc semblances say a lot about characters right#i know there's a point to be made about like. it manifested as that at that time because cinder has always been angry etc etc#but wouldn't it hurt from a different narrative angle. to have her semblance be dustweaving. when she doesn't have any money#no money to buy dust with but a semblance that makes her a skilled and incredibly rare craftsperson but can she bear to sell her skills#when they've been used against her for so long? when all she's known is hard work and grit and sweat? when it's probably dangerous?#anyway i think im about to hit the limit for tags but. lmfao. the possibilities!!! also the association between handsewing and the HOME!#something she's always wanted but never had. a safe place to sit by a fire that she doesn't have to tend and do her work...#also like the possible tension with mercury bc she's wishing her semblance was more offensive + merc's like BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE ONE???#i headcanon that mercury has a semblance though. that he has silver eyes and his dad took those from him by making him hate the world#...anyway#goodnight
9 notes · View notes
before-i-forget-again-pod · 4 months ago
Text
PSA from Sophie!
Tumblr media
I was Definitely Not Threatened at Knifepoint by Sophie Herself To Make This Image! *aggressive blinking*
Seriously though, this picture would not leave my brain until I scribbled it out! What’s it about? Don’t worry about it! It’s applicable to nearly Every situation! <3333
2 notes · View notes
fandom-fae · 1 year ago
Text
honestly. on one hand. i really really really like the version of peter pan from once upon a time, in the way that the actor does a phenomenal job, the character has great dialogue and is just overall really really enjoyable to watch imo. but then i remember how he kept wendy in a cage for like 300 years and like
i stan him but that is so. AGSJDHJDHDJ. like i feel SO BAD for wendy there. this poor girl honestlyyy. like. that’s so disturbing honestly. like i can’t imagine much things that would mess with someone’s psyche more than that. like if he had just kept her on the island then fine, but constantly in that tiny hanging cage??? big OOF.
like i’m sure she’d need like permanent therapy afterwards and even then how would you even begin to unpack that in therapy???? like??????
#like pan ily but was that necessary?????#the worst part abt liking villains is when they do stuff like that ahdkndkfnfkf#(that part is a joke. just to be clear)#like idk he’s so cool but that makes me side eye him anyway. also cuz like? what was that like?? like was she just kinda there or did he/the#lost boys actually interact with her? on a regular basis i mean. other than giving her like food and whatever. and like if yes. then how did#they interact? was it taunting her? more civil? maybe with some of the lost boys even friendly? or just plain threatening??#like there are things that are way more outright and obviously cruel but this is like probably the worst thing he’s done bc its so prolonged#like abandoning rumple was bad already. but he couldn’t have known that that pain would last for hundreds of years instead of a few decades#and the thing with killian’s brother liam was also not great (i don’t remember the details of that scene so idk rn if he told them about how#the water works exactly or not so idk if he was being a total bitch or if they just didn’t listen) but either way liam’s pain was also not#that long yk? like he died and that was that. sure- killian’s grief was v v long but idk if i’m counting that bc he’s not the one that was#directly hurt yk? anyway yeah. AND THEN THE THING W WENDY. like taking her as a hostage is one thing but doing that for iirc THREE fucking#centuries in such a tiny ass uncomfortable looking cage???????? that’s ridiculous#like i can’t even fathom how much her psyche would be messed up by that irl#moi#fandoms#ouat peter pan#ouat wendy darling#peter pan ouat#wendy darling ouat#once upon a time#ouat#hajshdifjjdjd#sorry for the rant but it was fun and will happen again <3
18 notes · View notes
cannibalismyuri · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
(song added by me)
#i am so Unwell rn what the fuck.#/pos So Fucking /pos#so the art ask was from u as well....elijah ur so secretive and suave this is Too Much for a girl to handle#willelmax in the arcade and byler valentine cards ur too sweet to me i actually cant Take This :')#you're right our friendship IS on another level esp now because i've never felt So Connected to someone its insane#im a little surprised but it makes sense that its you yk#like you're so naturally sweet and kind and amazing at ur core so OFC it was u#and good job i can never listen to (you) on my arm without thinking of you /pos /pos /pos /pos#this is at the TOP of on the list of the pretty little things i've been given#ik i sound like a broken record but its so insane how much i love you. i didnt know i could bond w someone over anon sm and i JUST. idk#its something abt me never getting something like this and idk never ever feeling so cared for....#you deserve all the pretty things and someone who never lies to you and someone who wants to be on your arm so bad that they write a song#about it and someone who cares about you so deeply that they think about you at night and smile so big that it hurts and someone who loves#you so much that it hurts physically and someone who thinks of you now when he listens to songs sometimes and someone who cares#about you so intensely that when he's reading messages from you she feels comforted and your words are smtg that's on repeat in her head no#and someone who wants to mail you flowers so bad because you made him feel so amazing and someone who recognises how much you deserve#and wants to give it all to you so bad and someone who loves you as much as you deserve.#and i wanna do all that and be that person so bad and i'm gonna send you a daily ask now because you mean so much to me#and you deserve someone who makes pretty things for you too and someone who tries so hard to show it#and im GONNA. im gonna try So Hard.#you'll probably get so sick of me but believe me i'm gonna make you feel as special and amazing as you made me feel. believe me.#anyway yeah. i care about you a totally normal amount#if you read all of this just know i love you so much it hurts sometimes 💗💗#my feelings towards this are : 💖💝💓💞💘💕💗⚡☀️✨⭐💫🌟#elijah my heart my love letter my special and awesome best friend my heart anon elijah#<- better tag for u because you deserve it so fucking much#elijah <33#<- ur old tag too so u can look thru my blog and see this whenever u want#heart anon#<- for me. so i can look at this for hours and find it easily so that i could complete loving elijah hours daily
11 notes · View notes
zemnarihah · 1 year ago
Text
man
#i went to go see my dad bc his mom died this morning. and he was like clearly having a hard time with it i think more so than he was really#letting on. and its weird bc i was telling erik how it feels like nowadays this is like. a different version of my dad like it really doesn#feel like the same person who traumatized me and my siblings growing up. that feels like a ghost almost idk. but he was talking to me abt#his mom who from the little bits ive gathered here and there i can assume she was pretty emotionally abusive to him. but he said.#'my mom definitely made a few mistakes with me. but i have to try to move on and live my life as best as i can'. god i felt like i was#looking in a mirror. he seemed so sad it was like he was trying to convince himself. and trying so hard not to be mad even though he has#every right to. but i guess at a certain point you do have to let it go. idk. i guess i never really see him be very vulnerable except when#it comes to the church. he did talk about the church as well he said that as much as she mistreated him hes grateful she gave him faith in#god and that he thinks thats the most important thing a parent can give their child. and i didnt rlly know what to say ig mostly i was just#letting him talk. but god. it was hard. i hope maybe this is like.his chance to let go of all the hurt from his childhood. that he gets to#finally grieve it along with her. idk.#i feel like my view of my father gets more complicated every year i get older. i just dont always know how to reckon with it.
3 notes · View notes
myownprivatcidaho · 2 years ago
Text
whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
10 notes · View notes
nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
Text
uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
2 notes · View notes