#Self-Hate

[cacciocavalloblu]

Hello Neighbor Fanfiction:Lose your friends,lose your life

note:Random bullshit i wrote cause the ending of Season 2 made me depressed,i hope to write something better in the future but for now i wrote by my feelings,i am Sorry if this will make feel someone uncomfortable,free to Attack me in the comments honestly.This Fanfiction contains dark elements

Summary:all the members didn't took well the end of the club

Delroy

"stupid club,and stupid girl! I risked my Life for nothing" The boy groaned alone In the corner of the garden school.

When Bales for the first asked him to join the group,he was…happier than he thought.

It didn't make sense,he was one of the popular boys,he had a lot of people by his side…but for some reason…he was attracted by these weird kids…"I am just curious to know Crapface's real identity" he tried to convince himself,but it was a lie.somehow he liked the idea to be part of something…smaller…for once…a group of people that wasn't searching for popularity…a place where he could interact with real people…he thought wrong.

That club was Just a group of idiots that liked play dectetive.

He had been a idiot too,admited,he risked his Life for some random people after all.He slowly took his phone.

Gave a look at his wallpaper:himself,Dog and Finch years ago…when the things were easier…when there were people that truly cared for him…he moved to his contacts with a dark expression,and wrote "Ehy, Uncle Marvin.I am Sorry to had called you a creepy weirdo last time.Is offer of join your adult Friends group still possible to accept?"

Maritza

She knew that she would have regret what She was going to do… or maybe not,she wasn't so sure.

The only thing she was sure was that she was tired.

Tired to act tough and tired to lose who loves… the worse part was that she knew that was only her fault.

In a normal occasion she Would have blamed Someone else,but this time,this time she couldn't do it.

That only made her feel worse.

She continued to walk, her eyes now red for the too much tears,and she was tired… tired as she never been before… finally she arrived in front of the crowfaces.

"Well well well,look what we have here? The Tough girl and Little rat of her group.Are you here for trying to stop us? Take back the black book?" said one of them,while the others started to move around her.

"No." Maritza said honestly.

"No? Uh well what's your plan then? Why are you here? Taking a ride in one of the corasel?" Mocked another.

"Yes." Maritza said honestly.

The group of Crowfaces turned in silence for a moment,before one of them said "Excuse me what?"

Maritza ignored the last one.She couldn't believe she was scared of them once.

They are nothing more than some weirdos in costumes.

But in her heart she knew why she was no longer scared.

She had lost everything,they couldn't take her anything from her now.

Lucy died years ago, Aaron and Mya were missing and problably both of them were dead,she heard from the doctors that problably her mom and dad won't survive the bites of the animals, Nicky was now just a Shadow of her old dork friend and she had heard an ambulance was taking him away from the town,The inventors club had closed, Trinity hated her and she was going to leave tommorow,And her brother…her brother…she wasn't so sure he liked be her brother…Couldn't blame him thought,no one would have,everyone in the town hated her,and she couldn't blame any of them.

She took a breath.She went to the old roller coaster and She took Place.

"What are you thinking your doing?" asked another Crowface between the shock,the rage and the confusion

Maritza looked over the cult,she had a soulless smile,and…even some of the members were creeped out

"i am old enough to walk at home by myself,i am old enough to go in a roller coaster,i am old enough to see the angels and learn to fly like them"

Then she throw her old baseball bat against the lever and her cart started to move fast…too fast…

Enzo

He couldn't believe how much an idiot he was.Of all the girls he could fell in love… why of all the people Trinity? He couldn't deny…he felt guilty to have left her like that…but he started to think that She didn't saw him as boyfriend material…or friend material…no…he felt like for her he was just a stupid pawn in her hand…he have Always trusted her leadership…but she didn't look like she trusted him or even recognized his existence for something that wasn't an investigation.

he takes a deep breath,and he slowly start to remove every photo of her from his room…she looked so Happy in that photos…so different from the girl she was now…

After Trinity then looked at her sister photos,focusing especially in the ones where She was Little… when she was Happy to have him as Brother… before she became…became…THAT STUPID SELFISH BITCH.

Enzo take off all Maritza's photos with an unnatural rage he never felt before…"I did to protect you…" She had said and that only made him angrier…what does that even mean "protect you"? How give an important object to a cult is gonna keep someone safe? True,he didn't know the full story,but that wasn't his fault…she refused to talk to him about it like she Always does…now in a new stage of rage he destroy the last photo at the wall,one where a toddler Maritza was smiling,a true innocent smiling that slowly in the years had turned in a stupid sarcastic one.

"Hope to not see that stupid smile on your stupid face ever again sister.I hate you"

He had no idea that in the next morning…he would have cried and cried after realizing he would have never see that smile ever again

Ivan

"Dear diary… 1°day of the inventors club.OH EVERYTHING IS SO AMAZING! Oh i have so much to write here.Lucy and I are excited,our dream finally became true,we have ressurect this old club and now we are ready to turn it into the best club ever"

"Dear Diary…15° day of the inventors club, finally new members had joined.Enzo and Maritza Esposito.Oh i can't wait to show them all my skills, finally i can find new Friends"

"Dear Diary…1461° day of the inventors club,A New member arrived,her name is Trinity,she looks very smart,even if i am worry Nicky could make her investigate with him….please Nicky be reasonable"

Ivan was Reading and listening his old diaries… He Always wrote this diaries since the first day of the club…and he continued to do it day by day…his diaries grown up with him…from the paper they turned digital but they were still there.

He never skipped a day of the club Just for Always have a diary to write,that led multiple times in him going to school sick, Maritza calling him an idiot and gave him a banklet.

he couldn't believe It really ended here…the inventors club had closed.

Forever this time.He couldn't believed that was happening.

The inventors club had been his second home…his second safe Place…his first group of Friends…

He Remember the day Lucy died and Enzo tried to made feel him better…

he Remembered the day he met Nicky for the first time and he had showed him every part of the club…

he Remembered every single day in the club…

His parents promised him that they Would have found an High level science group for make him feel better…but for the first time,the idea of learning new smart things and school didn't made him feel better…he just wanted his friends back.

"Ivan,honey.Dinner Is ready" called his mom

Before he joint his parents at the table he took his phone and start to recorder his voice

"Dear Diary…1521° day of the inventors club… the club closed,i think this is a goodbye…"

Nicky

"PLEASE!PLEASE!LET ME GO,PLEASE!HE IS COMING!"

he tried to willing out,cried,he prayed,he called for help… but nobody came…This was the end…he had no escape…he was coming…HE WAS COMING! The room turned dark and he started to hear it again…the breath…not his breath…but one much more sinister…one diabolical…and soon…The Shadow man arrived and looked at him with his hollow expression that didn't look fit at the tone of his voice

"Nicholas"

"PLEASE PLEASE STOP STOP STOP-" Nicky cried

The Shadow man however had other intentions,he shapeshifted into Aaron

"Why stop Nicky? Our game just started" said the fake version of his best friend,just for shapeshift in his grandmother.

"hope you realize this is all your fault boy.I had warned you,and look where you are now.No friends,no family,no one that Will save you.You cursed your soul,you did this to yourself"

"STOP PLEASE!STOP!LET HIM GO" continued to pray Nicky.He didn't want this as ending.HE WANTED A GOOD ENDING!HE WANTED AARON,HE WANTED HIS FRIENDS,HE WANTED HIS FAMILY! HE JUST WANTED HELP WITH MR PETERSON'S CASE? WHAT DID HE DO WRONG?

the Shadow man shapeshifted into Mr Peterson.

"you know what? You right.Our game would turned boring if we just stay here,i want Hunt you but i want have fun haunting you"

suddently…the ambulance crushed… and Nicky was free…he looked at himself to see if he had any bad injury but the Shadow man suddently started to shapeshift again…this time becoming bigger

"you are the prey here, Nicholas" he said with a corrupted voice.

Nicky went to panic,he started to run,and run,and run in a near wood,that unfortunately he could tell it wasn't a forest from Raven Brooks.He continued to run however,and he wasn't sure if he would have ever stopped

Trinity

"PLEASE SOMEONE! SOMEONE LET ME GO"

cried Trinity already knewing no one would have respond…she had no idea how much time had passed…her phone had fell out of her pocket before…she could just wait and hope that someone would have arrived…but she almost started to hope that no one will arrived.

This was the exactly punishment she deserved.

She had failed as a leader,she had failed as a daughter,she had failed as a person and most important… she had failed as a friend.

She Remembered that in her old town people called her "freak-nity"…she didn't know why she was thinking of that now but she felt the kids had right about her.She thought of all her friends… Now she has Lost all of them…

"guys…i am Sorry"

Then,in a desperate act,she took Nicky's mask… and she wore it… hoping that she would have feel better …

Hours later a police officer found her, laying on the floor with the mask.the mask didn't make her feel better.

Stay.Hide.Forever.Darkness.

Stay.Hide.Forever.Darkess.

Stay.Hide.Forever.Darkness.

[thekidyouforgot]

And so his whole life was an example that love of one's neighbour is not possible without love of oneself, and that self-hate is really the same thing as sheer egoism, and in the long run breeds the same cruel isolation and despair.

Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

[kadunud]

[crmsnmth]

Slight Of Hand

The pressure in my heart could crush a billionaire's vanity project submarine I give fair warning to anyone and anything that decides to try and take residence here A warning that says abandon all hope, because you can't find it here And as the muscles begin to burn and when all that arteries tear please love me in the dark as well as you do with the lights on

I can play pretend just as well as you Go ahead try me, watch me fucking stop time itself My fingers are magic tricks slight of hand The skin under my hair is bumpy and itching Paint me like you drew the illustration sofr Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark It's the only way we'll get an accurate depiction.

My heart is a violent black hole There is nothing to create when all you know is destrooy Squeezing every ounce of truth that I can get in noe god forsaken eoul Id you don't have a cheese cloth a coffee filter should work For small projecst

If you don't get it right the first time, just fucking quit. We've got too many for this table anyway you can try again tomorrow but I'm sure you;ll have the same luck Isn't that just the funniest coincident.?

[ribboned-hound]

[onlyposersdieyouidiot]

[batmanbeyondrocks]

Every Black child needs to see this Malcolm X clip…

Credit: MrCrim3@MrCrim3

[wisdomfish]

In my mind, to repent of sin was to hate yourself

In my mind, if I beat myself up hard enough for my sins and the ways I had fallen short, it would keep me from making that same mistake again. If I berated myself well-enough, I wouldn’t even dare look at the temptation. Not only that, but I also believed that self-hate showed God the depth of my repentance. If I lashed out against myself and saw myself as no better than the worst vermin that crawls across the ground, perhaps he’d accept my apologies in seeing how earnest they truly were.

Do you see the legalism growing in those thoughts? I didn’t notice the legalism taking root, until I sat down to truly reflect on my practices of self-hate. If you’re like me, and self-hate is the language of your inner life, perhaps you have some hidden legalism within your own heart too...

This legalism began with an incorrect understanding of repentance. In my mind, to repent of sin was to hate yourself. As I recognized the guilt of my sin, I had to punish myself with hateful words. You’re useless; stupid; the worst mother / wife / friend / daughter in the world—you never get anything right!

However, this didn’t lead to holiness because it wasn’t true repentance. To repent is to turn from sin to godliness; we recognize the wrongness and horrors of our actions and turn towards what is right and good.

~  Lara d’Entremont

[thatdamnokie]

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Artist: Graham Dean

* * * *

“Pride and self-hate belong inseparably together; they are two expressions of one process.”

“The central inner conflict is one between the constructive forces of the real self and the obstructive forces of the pride system, between healthy growth and the drive to prove in actuality the perfection of the idealized self.”

― Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization

[Centre of Applied Jungian Studies]

[renegadeurbanmediasource]

Trump-loving entertainer Diamond of ‘Diamond and Silk’ dead at 51

I am NOT Hollywood so don't hold your breath for an apology. I'm a grown ass man and if I SAID it I MEANT it!

[wikipedie]

The worst part about self-deprecating jokes is that once you start it's hard to stop. And you're just. Yikes internally. Because you know you should stop, they're not that funny, and then you get into a self-deprecating spirale and then it gets worse and then your body is hurting.

[sylvanfreckles]

No. 21: Self-Hate

Part 21 of Deck the Hells

Fandom: Critical Role Rating: T Warnings: body dysmorphia

Summary: Fresh Cut Grass has gotten used to avoiding their reflection. They never dreamed one of their friends would notice and call them out on it. (Read on AO3)

...

Fresh Cut Grass easily ducked their head as they passed the darkened shopfront window. It was easy now, almost natural, just a little slump and a turn of the shoulder, and no need to be distressed at the sight of themselves in the glass.

No worry that the face wouldn’t be one they recognized. That the eyes would be red instead of blue. That the faint scraps of memory would build to a crescendo. That they might see themselves the way Dancer remembered them—the one-eyed monster who’d torn through everyone they knew.

It was deceptively easy now. After all, they weren’t a vain automaton. They didn’t need to spend hours polishing and styling, and none of their current associates cared if they had a little dirt on their person. More times than not, Imogen could prestidigitate them clean, and Ashton had hung around with Milo long enough to help with any more complicated maintenance.

Which was why it wasn’t entirely a surprise a few days later when Ashton cornered them for a heart-to-blue-glowy-bit one night.

“You okay?” Ashton began. They were casual about it, sitting next to them on the poop deck of the Silver Sun to watch the clouds sail by.

“Of course! I’m great,” Fresh Cut Grass replied happily. They’d sorted their components, cleaned some specks of grit out of their bolt thrower, and had a long talk with Imogen about her fears of her awakening powers. “How are you, Ashton?”

“It’s just I’ve noticed you don’t look in in mirrors anymore.”

“Oh.” Fresh Cut Grass hesitated for a moment. “Well, I guess I don’t really need to. It’s not like I’ll look any different.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

Ashton propped their head up with a fist, elbow resting on one knee. “Something’s wrong.”

“Well, a lot of things are wrong. There’s the moon, for one thing. Otohan Thull nearly killed us and did kill Eshteross. Did kill Laudna, too, but she got better.”

“I don’t mean in general,” Ashton waved a hand to dismiss that argument. “I mean specific. With you. Something’s wrong with you,” they added, poking Fresh Cut Grass in the chest with one finger.

“I’m fine,” they replied. Deep inside, the stress started to coil in the center of their being. They hated lying to their friends like this, but they really weren’t worth the trouble. Even if they had a soul, they were still just a machine. Not worth it.

Ashton stared at them for a long moment, then sighed. “This took a lot of getting used to,” they finally said, tapping the glass in their head. “Still doesn’t always feel like me. It’s different, and it’s weird, and it makes me a freak.”

“No, you’re not a freak, Ashton. Don’t say that.”

“What do you think they say about me?” they asked, making a wide gesture at the ship around them.

Fresh Cut Grass considered that for a moment. “Well, they think you’re dependable in combat. And maybe you don’t have the greatest social skills, but they can count on you to stand up for what you believe them.”

“Not the rest of the team, man. The rest of the world.”

“Oh.” Fresh Cut Grass was silent, processing Ashton’s question. “Well…I guess they might think you’re a little different,” they finished softly, not wanting to say something harsh to their friend.

“They think it’s weird,” he countered. “Trust me, I’ve heard it all.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. But it’s not everybody, right? Ishir likes you, and Milo and Anni and everyone else at the Krook House.”

“People who know me, yeah. So who the fuck cares what some stranger thinks, right?”

“I suppose, but I’m not really concerned about what a stranger thinks of me.”

“So it’s about us?” Ashton asked. They leaned closer, mismatched eyes boring into Fresh Cut Grass’s optical units. “Or is it about you?”

They blinked and looked down. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Are you afraid of seeing something else in the mirror?”

Their shoulders slumped. Ashton, as always, had seen right to the center of the matter. “I just don’t want to see a monster.”

“And I don’t want to see a corpse.” They looked up, confused, and Ashton tapped the glass in their head. “I don’t always see this. I see a dead face and a lot of blood.”

Fresh Cut Grass stared at his friend in horror. “Ashton, that’s awful.”

“I know it’s not real, so I tell it to fuck off. Doesn’t keep it from coming back sometimes.”

“But still, you should talk to somebody about that!”

Ashton stared at them, eyes flat. “I’m talking now.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

They grunted and leaned back, resting both hands on the deck of the ship.

“It’s just,” Fresh Cut Grass continued, “you’ve never told me any of that stuff before.”

“Yeah, well,” Ashton shrugged. “Seems like everyone’s gonna hang around, you know? Maybe…maybe I need to work some shit out to make us better as a team, right?”

“Anything you want,” Fresh Cut Grass promised, practically beaming. If Ashton wanted help, they’d be the first in line. Probably the second, too. “You know I’m always here for you.”

Ashton leveled another look at them. “That means you gotta talk to, you got it?”

“What?”

“Don’t keep this crap bottled up. You need something, you say something, got it?”

“What if…what if I look in the mirror and I don’t see me?”

“Then you tell it to fuck off and stare until you recognize something.”

“Oh…I’m not sure that’s the way to handle that,” Fresh Cut Grass fretted. Ashton was always so direct, and the direct approach wasn’t always the right thing.

“Then you get drunk.”

“Ashton, I don’t know…”

“And if that doesn’t work, you punch something.”

“Well…maybe we could just talk?”

Ashton grinned at them and sat forward to pat them on the shoulder. “Now there’s an idea. You first.”

[nic-ole99]

A new blog to help me recover this time. Life is overwhelmingly unbearable.

[crmsnmth]

From the Mirror

And now it's over There's so much that I'm waiting for There's so much I'll never know There's so much that I'll never feel

I guess it's true, I stepped over my clover The last time you saw me I was far from sober I tried heard to not have any excuses but I swear by the end everything is fucking useless

I don't make a good crutch, I'll just join you See how nothing budged, Let me amuse here I always had a hunch, the you would leave We can call it love, but we both know it's just fear

Fear of dying all alone

Remember when we did shots, with no chaser how could we ever foresee the danger? Once said I love you, now we're strangers All we over do is try to save face

I thought we had a chance, but what do I know We'll call this quiet hiccup, a small form of growth I feel nothing anymore, everything seems so cold left them there to rot, it doesn't grow old

Find me in the bathroom, just staring at the mirror

[yoursghouly]