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wangxianficfinder · 5 months ago

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Fic Finder

June 20th

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1. Hi! I would really appreciate some help yo find two fics!

A) The first was a fic in which LZ is a concertist (maybe violin or cello?) And was going home after a concert when it starts to rain and he goes into a book store, where Wen Qing works, and behind the book store there is a coffee shop, LZ sits near the bar and interacts a little w a-yuan, then WY plays a song and LZ finds his passion for music again or something like that. I don't quite remember the rest

B) the second one was one in which, during seclusion(? LZ finds a book his mom wrote that had gardening tips inside, so he starts tending to the garden however he can without being able to leave his house. Eventually he discovers that the book isn't just about gardening but instead about a different kind of cultivation involving plants, and that with it he might be able to bring back WY. He works hard on it and is eventually able to do it. I don't quite remember the other details @katt-patt

1A)

FOUND! for you, andante by xuanxuanwo (ostentatiouslyrealistic) (T, 35k, WangXian, Modern AU, Music, Musicians, Pianist LWJ, Guitarist WWX, Kid Fic, Coffee Shops, Bookstores, Existential Crisis, Unrelated JGY & QS, Friendship, Romance, Light Angst, Happy Ending)

1B)

FOUND! From my heart's ground. by orange_crushed (E, 37k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Grief/Mourning, Corporal Punishment, Canon-Typical ViolenceVomiting, Injury Recovery, Trauma, Blood Magic, Elemental Magic, Gardens & Gardening, Resurrection, Dissociation, First Time, Oral Sex, Language of Flowers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cultivation......... Literally, Arson, Self-Harm, Self-Harm for Blood Magic Reasons, Suicidal Thoughts, Spiritual Coma, Brief Reference to Temporary Incontinence as a Result of Said Coma, Self-Esteem Issues)

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2. Ok I’ve been avoiding doing this bc it feels rude to ask for pwp (not rude at all! We take all types of asks ^^ - Mod C) so you can ignore this if you want, but I’ve been looking for this one fic that was dragon lwj and Fox wwx, in like a magical forest, and I specifically remember a scene where wwx is in heat and everyone knows but he’s just playing with children and messing around near a water source until lwj comes out and finds him and if you can find it for me I will love you forever thank you

FOUND? #2 it's "Budding Chrysanthemum" by Anonymous. Looks like its deleted from ao3 but i have a copy ~imstillthinkingaboutithmm

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3. Hello! I'm looking for this fic where modern!wwx gets sent to the world of mdzs and spends a year there before going back to the modern world. I remember that he was roommates with modern!wq and that during the year he was gone modern!wq and modern!jc put up missing posters for him

FOUND? Wrong Turn, Right Place by diamondbruise (E, 71k, WangXian, Time Travel, kind of, it’s more reality travel but there’s modern wwx and cultivator lwj, Mutual Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Misunderstandings, Cultural Differences)

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4. hi!! I love your blog, it has helped me massively in finding fics to read ❤️ This is my first time asking for a fic so I don't know if I'm doing something wrong okay? I'd like to request help in finding a fic...

It was like a time traveler fic with Wangxian where they were saying goodbye to each other as Wei Wuxian left the cloud recesses lectures. It was in Lan Xichen pov.

They were declaring their intent to court each other, LWJ said that he will come with a dizi as his first courting gift. WWX said that he would become a famous cultivator and court LWJ by 22 yrs but then LWJ said 22 yrs is too late and WWX should court him at 19.

Lan Xichen also remarked that WWX gave the Compass of Evil & some other inventions to the lan sect and they would be very fine courtship gifts with the proper presentation

Could you all help me in finding this fic? It was part of a series too

FOUND? Wait, What? by MarbleGlove (G, 1k, WangXian, Time Travel, POV Outsider)

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5. I'm trying to find a fanfic of alternative/time travel ghost Wei Wuxian taking care of Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, the story takes place after the siege and he somehow ended up in a time just after madam lan's death and finds Lan Wangji in the snow, only Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen can see him, later on he gets Qingheng-Jun out of seclusion (he can see him too it just isn't revealed until later. @samriajack

FOUND! Waiting by Morgana_avalon (G, 46k, WangXian, LXC & LWJ, Short Story, LWJ is five year old, LXC is eight year old, LWJ as a boy kneeling in the snow at the jingshi waiting for his mama to return, brothers looking out for each other, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, canon divergent but also canon compliant, Mystery, Mysticism, Chenqing, Bichen, happy endings, The Qilin, Based on the TV-series and not the novel)

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6. Hi I need your help again oh great master of finding fic so I don't remember the name obviously but I know it's a podfic so here's what I remember Madame Lan is alive she was released by uncle Lan and she travel to yiling

And meant little wei ying where he told her his parents' names and then she went and tried to find their bodies and she did find her bodies and then she took their swords for their son and then she traveled with wei ying and this is a serious but it's not complete yet and I'm kind of want to read it but if the podficer is going to pops it all I want to hear it so please help me find it

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7. Hii, okay so this one is kind of harder :(, I am looking for this fic where idek what is going on but what I really do remember is them sleeping together during the indocrination (sounds wrong lol) but what I mean is that everyone is all of a sudden closer and instead of sleeping in the beds the wens gave them and also not do anything, they separated the girls and put up privacy walls using their robes? to give them privacy. I can't remember anything else sorry. @thatperson0-0

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8. Also, for the next FF, I kind of remember reading a fic where WWX was desperate to get somewhere fast and I think they managed to get Li'l Apple to ride a sword? (Probably 2 or 3 swords tandem, a single sword would have to be an FF7 buster sword to fit a donkey.) maybe they carried her? @mreisse

FOUND? Menace by MnemonicMadness (T, 7k, LQR & WWX WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt WWX, BAMF WWX, Downplaying an Injury, awkward comforter LQR, reluctant matchmaker LQR, Humor, Pining WWX, Good Uncle LQR, Self-Sacrificing WWX, POV LQR, LQR is stressed, And also secretly a softie, Post-Canon)

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9. Hi! This is for fic finder. It's modern au where WWX was a chef i think? He worked in restaurant with wen chao. That restaurant was owned by wen ruohan i think. But wen chao did something that makes WWX gets fired. Then near the end of the story i think, LWJ invited WWX to his music performance (not sure about this part. Its either he invited WWX or WWX wants to tell LWJ something). But when WWX arrived, he noticed that the kitchen is a mess. He found out that LWJ hire Jin Zixun as chef because Jin Zixun bothered him too much. And then WWX takes over the kitchen. Thats all i think. Thank you! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

#9 is right! I can't open the link so i search for another website and i found it in SquidgeWorldArchive for registered user only

FOUND! i swim in hollow lakes carved from memories by spookykingdomstarlight (T, 154k, WangXian, XiYao, Modern AU, Coffee Shops & Cafés, Music, Baking, Social Media, Misunderstandings, Consequences of Fake Dating Schemes, Flashbacks, Vlogger WWX, Professional Musician LWJ, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mistakes, Pining, Matchmaking, Romance, Illnesses, Slow Burn, Background SangNing, POV Multiple, Second Chances) I think it was wc not jzx who was hired, otherwise matches

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10. hello!!! I'm looking for a fic where WWX falls into a underground cave and encounters a dragon in his disciple era and takes a sword that transform him into a dragon. I really can't remember what happens next, only that he goes on his rogue cultivator arc and later on find LWJ but believes that's his descendants and not LWJ himself. I'm going to keep looking but maybe you are luckier than me and find it first.

FOUND? Our Immortal Blood by Saori (M, 81k, WangXian, Alternate Universe, Temporary Character Death, Minor Character Death, Platonic Relationships, Family Feels, Blood and Injury, Night Hunts, Monsters, Immortality, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Slow Burn, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Marriage Proposal, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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11. For fic finder: It was a WangXian arranged marriage au. What I remember is that the two did not have sex on their wedding night and this caused a rift. For Wuxian who grew up in Yunmeng culture it was a huge offense that Wangji wouldn’t sleep with him, but Wangji didn’t know this because it was standard practice in the Lan clan not to sleep together (I think the Lans had a designated month or something where they had sex). Basically cultural differences in expectation caused the boys to be uncertain around each other. I think Yanli eventually pulls Xichen aside and scolds him for how the Lan have “slighted” Wuxian this way.

FOUND? In Love and War by Cataclysmic_Calamity (E, 68k, WangXian, A/B/O Dynamics, Canon Divergence, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Arranged Marriage, Kind of a slow burn, enemies to lovers ish, rampant sexual tension, Miscommunication, past emotional abuse, Dubious Consent, Consensual Non-Consent, Semi-Public Sex, Anal Fingering, Dom/sub, Anal Sex)

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12. Hiya! Looking for fic, I can’t remember much of it but I remember that the Jiang’s leave Wwx at the cloud recesses during the study arc because of there abuse being revealed(?) or something about mistreatment. @candyyii

FOUND? 💖 Hoards and treasuresby apathyinreverie (T, 21k, WangXian, Siblings, Family, not particularly Jiang friendly, YZY Bashing, slightly darker Gusu Lans, LXC being the best brother, Some manipulation, But with the best of intentions, and not between wangxian, Dragon LWJ, Fox WWX, Smitten LWJ, Fluff, perfect happiness, adorable WWX, Romance, Some worldbuilding, courting)

FOUND? 💙 Holding shreds by barisan (T, 5k, WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, No Sunshot Campaign, Body Swap, Not for sexy shenanigans, Chronic Pain, Hurt WWX, Hurt LWJ, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abusive YZY, Bad Parent YZY, Bad Parent JFM, Good Uncle LQR, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, POV WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, Not Jiāng Family Friendly, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Getting Together, Smart WWX)

FOUND? 🔒 in the shadow of moonlit flowers by Reverie (cl410) (T, 56k, wangxian, LXC/NMJ, cloud recesses, NHS & LWJ friendship, developing relationship, LWJ pov, minor injuries, autistic LWJ, implied/referenced child abuse, aka YZY warning, genius WWX, light angst, hurt/comfort, WWX protection squad)

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13. I’ve been looking for this one fic that I just can’t remember much about

I don’t remember how it happens but WWX and LWJ have an arranged marriage (I think or something along this premise) WWX doesn’t want to get married and fights it the entire time but LWJ is steadfast in getting married to WWX. Like WWX tries to come up with so many excuses and LWJ is in love with WWX. I know JC, JFM, JYL, and YZY are all in it.

I remember JFM asking WWX if he really thinks LWJ will mistreat him. WWX says no but still doesn’t want to get married.

It ends with them getting married but WWX still saying he doesn’t want to get married.

It’s a one shot but I think I remember being in a series and having a second part to it. I remember there being art at the end showing them getting married but WWX whining about it.

Im making this sounds kinda angst/non consensual but it’s a comedy pretty sure the whole is just WWX being in denial of his feelings @trashyjen

FOUND?🔒Another Kind of Marriage by Titans_R_Us (T, 1k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, supportive families, Fluff and Crack)

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14. Hi, thank you so much for your great work . For the next fic finder, can you please find me a fic. I don't remember much, just that Lan Zhan takes Wei Ying and the wens and hides them in a secret hidden village. That village is where Lan Wangji's mother's home . Lan Zhan has a maternal grandpa and a cousin, I think Lan Xichen finds out about the place eventually 🤔.

FOUND? pale shadows of forgotten names by Chrononautical (T, 56k, wangxian, Madam Lán Lives, Madam Lán Deserves Better, Good Sibling LXC, Badass LXC, He gets there in the end it just takes a while, Not particularly JGY friendly, Gūsū Lán Sect Rules, Canon-Typical Behavior, Unresolved Sexual Tension, the universal fear of growing up to become one of your parents, Canon Divergence, Everyone Lives AU, Except WN but he’s very polite, Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, Imprisonment, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, not between wangxian, Drunk LWJ, to lighten the mood, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Traumatized WWX, though he will not admit it, Taking time to heal, canon-typical communication skills)

FOUND? Arbitrary by devinokaze (T, 137k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Post-Sunshot Campaign, Burial Mounds Ensemble as Family, but live somewhere else, hidden society, Not Everyone Dies, POV Multiple)

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15. Hey first of all thank u for doing a great job. You found a lot of the fics I wanted. I'm searching for another fic. It's post canon and wei ying was traveling alone. He meets the juniors on a night hunt and saved them from a beast I think . He gets badly hurt on the stomach and lan Zhan gets there immediately to bring him back to cloud ressesive. Lan zhan nurses him back to health but uncle wants him to leave after he recovers. I hope i can find the fic and thanks in advance @smarti1997

FOUND? A Lot of Edges Called Perhaps by hansbekhart (E, 22k, WangXian, Semi-Public Sex, Public Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Anal Sex, Sex in the cold springs, Mutual Pining, Grief/Mourning, Injury Recovery, Ethical Dilemmas, Ethical Edging, and Boners for Justice, It takes a long time for them to bone but they get there, Risk Aware Consensual Patience, Edgeplay sort of, 20K words of sad horniness, Happy Ending, Just the tip but not the way you're thinking) This probably isn't the right one for 15 but A Lot of Edges Called Perhaps is nearly identical to the description but with the roles reversed (Lan Wangji is injured in the stomach and Wei Wuxian takes care of him during his recovery).

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16. hello! I’m looking for a fic that was a modern setting AU and it follows wei ying as a poor teacher I believe( I’m not 100% sure on that, but it’s essential to the plot that he has little money but continues to pay for lan zhan’s services) and one day he stumbles across a website or something and lan zhan is a dom and Wei Yang pays for his service. I’m a big fuzzy on the details but I’m pretty sure there was a spicy scene with the two of them in front of a mirror. And then they continue their sessions and one day they run into each other in a grocery store by wei ying house. Thank you so much for your hard work!!! @bittersweet-loveliness

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17. for the next ficfinder can you help me find this fic? im pretty sure it's called Brothers in Law, where Jiang Chen and Lan Zhan go back in the past, don´t remember much but i think Wen Xu was kinda obssessed with Wei Ying, didn't find it in ao3 but hopefully it wasn't deleted, thxx @omgnuttytale

FOUND! Brother-In-Law’s by Loveable_Psychopath (M, 332k, JYL/JZX, wangxian, JC/WQ, canon divergence, time travel fix-it, Memories, Butterfly Effect, Sexual assualt, Self Harm, Self Doubt, BAMF JC, Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Recovery, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Everyone Lives au, PTSD, good parent YZY, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Canon-Typical Violence, Warning: JGS, Emotional Manipulation, Manipulation, Second Chances, WIP)

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18. Help me find a fic pls! Wei wuxian is an omega in this one and when lan zhan (alpha) smells him he gets a strong reaction and gets into rut. Wei wuxian is basically outcastes by the lan sect and later on I think he becomes a spy?? lol pls help idk tbh 🙏🙏

FOUND?🔒Pendulum by ShippersList (M, 69k, WangXian, XiYao, Canon Divergence, Non-Traditional A/B/O Dynamics, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Misunderstandings, Canon-Typical Violence, Spies & Secret Agents, Fake Character Death, Slow Burn, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, BAMF WWX, Attempted Sexual Assault, Canonical Character Death, Mutual Pining, Good MY, Introspection, Self-Sacrificing WWX, Love Confessions, Protective LWJ, past child sexual abuse) from the series omegaverse murder gremlins

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19. Bby gurls I need help with a fic where the juniors saw lan zhan with a person in a dress and thought he was cheating when they were getting donuts at a sleep over (they were not allowed to be out that late). The juniors planned to steal his phone during a cookout, only to find searches of him planning a trip of bora bora. Apperantly he want cheating and it was just Wei wuxian dressing up (thx bby gurls I love u)

FOUND? Junior.exe has stopped working by Luminos07 (T, 4k, WangXian, Crack Treated Seriously, Attempt at Humor, Junior Quartet Dynamics, Junior Trio Shenanigans, Crack, Humor, Comedy, What’s the tag for the juniors going through LWJ's phone?, Protective JC, Modern, no actual infidelity, Established Relationship, LWJ's sugar daddy tendencies, WWX Protection Squad)

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20. hi! i'm looking for a particular fic in which there was a recurring anecdote/motif of a wife(?) who would touch the teapot to check the temperature for her husband so often in the same spot that she developed a burn scar on her hand from it. at some point in the fic wangxian had a conversation about whether or not that was romantic, and at another point the pov character (i think it was wwx?) realized that he or lwj had been doing the same thing (in a figurative way) through his actions. i think the fic was a canon era au but it could have been anything, and unfortunately i can't remember enough of the plot to find it. thank you! @ineskew

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#wangxian #mdzs #wangxianficfinder #the untamed #wangxian fic finder #wangxian fic search #long post

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mint-yooxgi · 1 year ago

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{13} - Paradise Gardens - Yandere!Demonic Entities!Ateez X Reader

Yandere AU & Demon AU - Book Two to Hotel California

Genre: Mature, Horror, Angst, Fluff, Slight Humour

Pairing: Ateez X Reader (Focus on Yeosang, Yunho, San, and Mingi)

Words: 10,500

Warnings: Mentions of past trauma and bullying: past suicidal thoughts mentioned, and mention of a lack of self worth, OC runs into an old 'friend' near the beginning, I think that's it honestly. This is a Yandere story, it will contain themes such as stalking, violence, obsession, possessive natures, and just general overall creepiness and swearing. You have been warned.

A/n: So, I decided to split this part into two since I feel it makes the story flow better. I'm happy where I ended it, and I really hope you all look forward to the next few parts! There's quite a lot of story coming your way hehehe As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! Enjoy~

Also, gentle reminder that I don’t do tag lists.

Mini Masterlist - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight - Part Nine - Part Ten - Part Eleven - Part Twelve

There’s a fond look in your eyes as you stand by yourself in front of the large window overlooking the newborns sleeping soundly before you. The hospital is quiet, given how early in the morning it is, a few staff walking behind you every now and then. Still, you cannot help but watch over little Elijah, even now, ensuring that nothing happens to him while his mother rests with his father in her hospital room.

Born a little over eight hours ago, well into the night, he sleeps soundly. A week late, weighing in at a healthy eight pounds, eleven ounces, they keep him wrapped up while Crystal recovers from giving birth the night before.

When you had gotten the call yesterday, you immediately rushed to the hospital with Seonghwa and the others. You met your parents here, waiting as long as you could before being sent home. Having wanted as natural a birth as possible, Crystal had been in for a long night.

Much to your content, you discovered Elijah had been born in the early hours of the morning, and had already been checked over for any ailments that might affect him after birth. He had none, and is perfectly healthy according to all of the doctors. A fact which makes you, and all of your family, happy beyond belief.

Currently, Vasco is with Crystal, staying with her after recovery while Elijah sleeps. San has went to grab you both coffees with Mingi, who you asked to stop by and check up on Crystal for you on the way to the café. You want to make sure that she’s fairing well while you check up on your baby nephew for the first time.

The other guys stayed home, per your request. Of course, a few of them had protested at that - Wooyoung, Seonghwa, and Hongjoong - considering you all don’t know what Malik or Dimitri’s next moves are. However, at your assurance, they backed off. Besides, you have both Mingi and San here with you, and you highly doubt you would be attacked in a hospital.

Still, you’re on high alert. Just in case.

Looking over little Elijah once more as he sleeps, you notice a figure come to stand beside you out of the corner of your eyes. He’s tall, but not as tall as Yunho, with dirty blond hair. He looks familiar, but you don’t pay him much mind. You just wish he’d stop glancing at you every few seconds.

The soft call of your name startles you, and you finally turn to get a good look at the man standing beside you. His blue eyes are hauntingly familiar.

“Hi, Jake.” You give him a small, albeit tight smile.

“I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure.” He smiles lightly back. “I haven’t seen you since elementary school. How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been well.” You reply softly. “Yourself?”

“Never better,” his eyes crinkle slightly as he turns back to observe the sleeping infants before you. “Is one of them yours?”

He holds a paper coffee cup in his hand, using it to motion before him along the line of babies.

“Oh. No.” You shake your head. “Just a proud aunt watching over her nephew.”

The corner of your lips twitches upwards as you motion to Elijah sleeping soundly before you.

A moment of silence as you cradle your elbows in your hands, almost to the point of curling in on yourself. You clear your throat. “You?”

A brilliant smile lights up his features, his eyes crinkling at the sides as his chest puffs out slightly in pride. He nods in the direction of two girls sleeping side by side. “My wife just had a twins.”

“Oh.” You meet his gaze briefly, offering him a small smile. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” He grins widely, ruffling his hair which already seems quite disheveled. “It would have been your sister, right?”

You blink, pulled out of your own thoughts for the moment. “I’m sorry?”

“Your sister who had the baby,” he motions lightly to Elijah with his cup again. “If I remember correctly.”

“Oh, uh, yeah.” You clear your throat once more. “It was her.”

“Tell her congratulations for me.” He nods.

You swallow the dryness in your throat, shifting from foot to foot. “I will. Thank you.”

You don’t think you’ve ever had an encounter where you’ve felt more awkward in your life. Sure, you could brush up against Mingi’s, or even San’s mental links right now, but it’s not like you’re in danger. You’re just more uncomfortable than anything at the moment, given everything he did to you when you were younger.

“Actually, it must be pure luck that we ran into each other today.” This time, Jake clears his throat, somewhat nervously.

You hum in response, shifting the slightest bit further from him without arousing suspicion.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the past lately, and it just reminded me that I never apologized to you.”

His statement catches you so off guard, that your hands end up falling to your sides.

“I was a huge asshole to you when we were younger, and I don’t know how much this will mean to you now, but I’m sorry. I wasn’t happy when I was a kid, and I felt you were an easy target to take that out on. I was always jealous of you, and I let that and my anger control my actions. That was not right.” He says, no longer looking towards you, but down at his hands with that coffee cup held in them for dear life. “I regret getting my friends involved to torment you, too. The feeling of them listening to me gave me a sense of power I felt I lacked in my life, and you were the unfortunate victim.”

You swear you’ve stopped breathing, whole body feeling numb as you refuse to so much as look in his direction. Jake was one of the ones who tormented you so much when you were younger, and gave you all of those self doubts, as well as an incredible amount of self hatred. One of the ones who made you believe you were worthless, ugly, and unlovable.

The worst part: he started out as one of your closest friends, too. A close friend who you had cherished above all else, just as you do with all the people you care about.

A worried call of your name greets your ears, and you turn to see San standing to your opposite side, a cup of coffee held in each of his hands. Mingi is nowhere in sight.

There is no hiding the narrowed eyed look San sends Jake’s way as the former comes to stand beside you. He places the cup of coffee in your hand gently before immediately wrapping his now free arm around your waist. Almost instantly, he pulls you into his side.

“You don’t have to forgive me.” Jake continues, and you feel San’s grip around your waist tighten. “It’s been years, and I would understand if you never did. What I did was vile, and inexcusable. Just know, that I am sorry, and I regret it all.” He swallows thickly. “I just thought you should know.”

With a firm nod in acknowledgement towards San, and without another word spoken, Jake takes his leave.

Your eyes follow after him down the hall, watching as he retreats around a corner and out of sight. You don’t even notice Mingi has come to join you until you hear his voice speaking to you.

“Who was that?” There’s a hint of a growl to his words, him taking note of the distressed state you seem to be in at the moment.

You inhale sharply, as if suddenly coming back to the reality before you.

“Starlight?” Immediately, worry takes over Mingi’s features as he looks at you.

Beside you, you can feel San physically trembling.

“Baby,” his voice is low in attempts to control his building anger, “What did he do to you?”

You shake your head, blinking a few times blankly. “Nothing.”

“Then, why was he apologizing to you?” Mingi’s brow furrows, stepping in front of you in order to gently grasp your hands still holding onto that cup in his own.

“That was Jake.” You blink, head still reeling at this turn of events. “He- he-“ You take a deep breath in to steady your nerves. “He was my friend. Once.”

The two males share a look.

“You don’t look like you’ve just been chatting up an old friend.” San glares off in the direction Jake had walked off in, as if he can still see the male behind the walls of the hospital.

“He was my friend,” you repeat, pursing your lips for only a moment, “before he started bullying me.”

You swear that were you not in a public place, both males would have let growls escape them.

“He made me feel worthless, and pathetic.” Your gaze is somewhat blank, as if recalling memories from your childhood that you have long since kept hidden. “I can’t count the amount of times he told me I was ugly.” You swallow. “And fat. And stupid. And that I would never amount to anything. That no one would ever care for me, so I should just runaway and die.”

You swear you see San’s eyes flash in the reflection of the glass beside Mingi’s head.

“He got his friends involved, and it was like a game to them who could berate me the most.” You don’t know how you’re still standing, or how you’ve managed to quell your building emotions for the time being, but you do. “He told me to kill myself more times than I can remember.”

You look down at that cup of coffee in your hands, finally taking note of Mingi still gently holding onto you. The way they both have trouble breathing, chests heaving with each breath, you just know that they’re both barely containing their anger for the moment.

“I told you once before how people would pretend to like me as a joke,” you exhale shakily, and you hear the faintest of growls come from the man still holding you to his side. “I wish I could say I saw through it every time, but sometimes having a crush can blind you.”

San nearly drops the cup of coffee in his hand. “You liked him?”

“I mentioned we started off as friends, no?” Your lips twitch upwards sadly. “I think that’s what made what he did worse. I let so many things slide because I just wanted his attention. It’s something I’ve always done. With him though, any attention was good attention to me. It didn’t take long for it to change. His younger brother always was rude to me from the start, but then he started in on the ‘fun’, too.”

This time, there’s no mistaking when Mingi’s eyes flash black right before you.

Quickly, you scan the hallway to ensure it’s still empty.

It is.

“He never apologized, or even acknowledged what he did to me before. He always denied it when confronted about it, too.” Your grip tightens slightly around that cup in your hands. “Until now.”

Raising a shaky hand to your cheek, Mingi cups your face tenderly in his palm. Gently, his thumb strokes over your skin, and you can feel the barely contained rage in his touch despite how delicately he holds onto you.

“We should tear him apart for what he did to you.” Mingi keeps his voice surprisingly low and steady. His Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows. “He doesn’t deserve to live.”

A low growl of agreement sounds from San.

Almost instantly, you’re shaking your head. “No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” San asks, pulling away from you in shock as he begins pacing in front of both you and Mingi in that little space between where you stand and the wall.

“He’s not worth it.” You reach out, and instantly San has his free hand in yours. “I never expected to run into him after all these years, least of all for him to apologize as soon as I did.”

“Are you-“ Mingi takes the time to study your features closely, gently guiding your gaze back to his. “Are you okay?”

“Shocked.” You blink a few times in response. “Attempting to process things for the moment, but I think I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” San steps in closer, nothing but worry etched into his brow.

“Yeah.” You meet his gaze. “I don’t know, it’s almost… freeing in a sense.” You swallow. “It’s almost like getting a sense of closure I never knew I needed.”

Instantly, the two males seem to relax the slightest bit from your words.

“He seemed genuine when he spoke to you.” San adds softly, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Besides, I’m sure our dear Sannie here would have torn him apart in an instant if he sensed any malicious or deceitful thoughts towards you.” Mingi finally drops his hands, turning to glance off in the direction Jake went off in. “I know I would have.”

“You’re damn right I would have.” San hums in agreement.

A soft laugh escapes you. “That I do know.”

They offer you small smiles in response, an affectionate gleam to their eyes.

“His wife just had twins.” You motion to the two baby girls wrapped up in blankets near Elijah with your chin.

They spare a brief look in their direction before shifting their focus onto Elijah. Almost instantaneously, Elijah stretches in his sleep, a tiny yawn escaping him as he shifts his position.

You coo lovingly down at your little nephew.

“He’s perfectly healthy, as far as we, and all of the doctors can tell.” San is beside you once more, his arm wrapped securely around your waist.

“And Crystal?” You spare a glance at Mingi.

“A little tired, but recovering just fine.” He smiles at you in response. “I checked her over like you asked.”

“Good.” A soft smile pulls at your lips. “I’m glad.”

Slowly, the three of you begin making your way back down the hallway and towards the room Crystal is in. You plan to spend some time with her before heading back for the day, and getting some more training done with Yunho and Yeosang.

You’re almost at a point where you can start learning the basics of a few weapons, and you’re getting quite excited. Wooyoung is more than ready to start teaching you about different poisons, and he’s often hinted at certain plants which have high toxicity levels. For now, he’s still letting you have some space, not wanting to give you any ‘ideas’ for the next time he gets overtly clingy.

Not that you would poison him.

Similarly, Yunho has been helping you hone your mind, strengthening it before the inevitable happens once you become like them.

Once you become like them.

There’s a thought that has been crossing your mind more often than not lately. You know that they mentioned that it would consist of the merging of souls in a way - you give them a piece of your soul while they give you a piece of theirs in exchange - but you’re still not entirely sure what that entails. You’ve been meaning to ask, only, you haven’t found the proper time to do so.

Perhaps you’ll bring it up again, soon.

For now, you’ll focus on joking around and making your sister smile as you sit beside her hospital bed. Vasco managed to pass out in the one chair in the time it took for Mingi to come find both you and San, but you don’t hold it against him. The man has been up all night with his wife.

After about an hour, you notice Crystal starting to drift off to sleep, too, so you bid her a fond farewell for now. With a big hug and a kiss from you, you tell her to get as much rest as she can, and that you’ll be around to visit again soon.

The whole car ride back home is quiet. Both Mingi and San attempt to engage you in conversation, only for you to reply with small, one word answers. That is, if you don’t just hum in response. Your mind is clearly elsewhere, and worry furrows their brows as they watch you almost subconsciously drive home.

You seem distracted, and it’s enough to have the others observing you carefully as you walk through the house. The quiet is unusual for you after visiting your sister, and though you don’t appear angry, or upset, it’s quite unsettling.

Of course, it takes no time for both Mingi and San to be sharing what happened with the others.

Why am I suddenly getting flashbacks to that worm we disposed of all those months ago? Wooyoung nearly growls out in all of their heads.

Believe me, Hongjoong sighs. You’re not the only one.

So, why aren’t we doing that to this one right now? Perhaps even something worse?Jongho quirks a brow while staring down at the pages of his book.

She told us not to. Mingi replies. Said he wasn’t worth it.

But he hurt her. This time, it’s Seonghwa who responds. None of his brothers need to see him to know that he wears a frown on his features currently.

An expression mirrored by more than just one male.

She said it happened a long time ago. San adds. We don’t know the full details, just what she’s told us.

And that should have been enough to at least torment the fellow. Yunho says, as if it should have been the most obvious thing in the world.

I don’t know, guys. Mingi sighs. She told us that she felt as if it was almost freeing in a sense for him to apologize after all these years. You know I’m all for eviscerating anyone that harms her, but if she says not to, I think we should listen to her.

We’re lucky she hasn’t found out about Calum, yet. Yeosang chimes in, an almost knowing hum to his words.

And she never will. Hongjoong confirms. Just like she doesn’t have to know about this ‘Jake’ guy.

His wife just had twins, Hongjoong. San states, rather firmly. Besides, do you really want to disobey Our Queen’s wishes like that so easily?

A moment of silence settles over all of them as San’s words sink in.

San’s right. Seonghwa finally breaks the building tension. We don’t purposely orphan children, or widow spouses. Nor should we go against her wishes.

Boo! You guys are no fun. They can all practically hear the pout in Wooyoung’s voice as he says this.

I suppose the circumstances were a lot different last time. Jongho sighs.

We could still torment him mentally. Yunho suggests casually.

Oh, I’m all for this! Wooyoung exclaims excitedly. I could mildly poison him. Make it a hindrance to his daily life for a week or so.

All fun ideas, Yeosang hums. But I think you’re all forgetting one important detail.

At his brother’s inquisitive silence, Yeosang is quick to continue.

She said, ‘no’.

“Is everything okay?” The sound of your voice, somewhat worried and soft, draws both Yunho and Yeosang out of their mental conversation with their brothers for the moment.

“Of course, Petal.” Yunho smiles at you. “We’re just worried about you, is all.”

“Me?” You quirk a brow in surprise.

“You seem distracted.” Yeosang tilts his head to the side slightly, almost curiously.

“You two have been standing to the side frowning like you can’t decide between cheddar or parmesan cheese for the past ten minutes.” You huff out a laugh. “If anyone’s distracted, it’s you.”

“We’re waiting for you to finish stretching.” Yeosang answers, attempting some form of causality.

“I finished stretching and doing some warm up exercises ten minutes ago.” You deadpan.

“Oh.”

That seems to shut them up for a good thirty seconds.

“So then, what would you like to work on today, Petal?” Yunho is quick to change the subject.

Immediately, you begin vibrating in excitement, grinning widely as your eyes shine.

“Let’s finalize your hand-to-hand combat training first before we pull out the knives.” Yunho chuckles.

A dramatic pout pulls onto your features and Yeosang elbows Yunho quite pointedly in the ribs.

“Don’t worry, My Dear, we’ll let you try some weapons later today.” Yeosang assures you.

Almost instantly, your mood perks up, and both of them are smiling fondly at you.

“I take it I won’t actually get any pointy objects to start.” You quirk a brow playfully.

The two males share a look before Yunho is shrugging. “If that’s what you want.”

“We may be overprotective, Dearest, but we’re not unreasonable.” Yeosang replies. “If any incidents occur, we can just heal you.”

“Or us.” Yunho adds at seeing your expression of disbelief.

A subtle nod of your head in amusement is all he gets in response.

“You’ve been working on building your strength with Mingi and San, correct?” Yunho is quick to ask, walking over to the sparring mats to your left.

A nod is all the confirmation he gets.

“Alright then, Dearest,” Yeosang smiles, moving over beside his brother before meeting your gaze. “Show us what you’ve got.”

“Are you suggesting I take the both of you at the same time?” You quirk a brow teasingly as you step onto the mats.

The low growls you receive in response are all the confirmation you get that they’ve taken the comment in a different way than what you originally insinuated.

“Keep thinking like that, I’ll easily distract the both of you.” You chuckle, a sultry pull to the corner of your lips.

“We can’t help it, Dearest,” Yeosang sighs, almost wistfully. “You have a habit of dropping the most interesting thoughts into our minds at the best of times.”

“Not the worst?” Your brows flick upwards suggestively.

“Sometimes.” Yunho chuckles, and at the way your mouth falls open in mock offence, he’s quick to add, “I never said it was a bad thing, Petal.”

“It’s just a little more difficult to…” Yeosang searches for the right word, “concentrate on the battlefield with certain additions to our physique.”

“Yes, I can quite imagine how painful it is to fight when you’re hard.” You grin, huffing out a small laugh.

“It’s certainly not the most comfortable thing.” Yeosang nods in agreement.

“You speak as if you have experience with this sort of thing,” Your eyebrows raise, amusement shining behind your eyes.

When both of them shrug, you cannot help the boisterous laugh that escapes you.

“I’d say Captain has the most, though.” Yunho adds, seemingly nonchalantly. “He can get intense on the battlefield. In more than one way.”

“Oh?” This piques your interest. “Then, I look forward to it.”

The way they both blink at you in mild shock has you giggling.

“What? Surprised it doesn’t phase me that much anymore?” You tilt your head curiously.

“A little bit,” Yunho blinks, loosening his stance in preparation to fight you.

“A girl has her fantasies.” This time, it’s your turn to shrug.

Two low growls greet your ears, the faintest tint of black darkening their eyes.

“Care to share, Dearest?” Yeosang begins stalking towards you slowly, like a predator would its prey.

You immediately begin countering his every move, watching Yunho carefully out of the corner of your eyes. “Perhaps I’ll just show you.”

His breath hitches, and you strike.

For the next forty minutes, the three of you spar together on the mats. A few times, you manage to pin one of them, only for the other to knock you right off your balance. You’ve only ever sparred with one partner before, besides last week when Jongho and Mingi decided to challenge you further. So, taking on multiple of them at a time requires even more quick maneuvers and thinking on your part, but you’re starting to recognize a pattern to their attacks.

You’re not sure if they’re doing it on purpose, or if they’re aware of it or not, but Yunho seems to be the one to observe the scene before moving, and only when it looks like Yeosang has created an opening for him to get through. That, or when you’ve managed to subdue Yeosang for the moment.

Yeosang, on the other hand, enjoys staying low to the ground, crouching as he goes in for the attack to throw off your balance. He’s nimble, and much more flexible than you thought he could be. A fact which intrigues you as much as impresses you.

Both never fail to praise you any opportunity they get.

During the second round, Yeosang accidentally manages to tear your shirt. The scraps of fabric hang limply off of your shoulders, exposing your torso and the sports bra you wear.

Luckily, for you, it seems to distract them for a moment. Out of shock or something else, you don’t quite know. Either way, you know an opportunity when you see one.

Using this to your advantage, you manage to land a solid roundhouse kick to the side of Yunho’s head, quickly subduing Yeosang in the next moment.

Your chest heaves as you pin Yeosang beneath you, a victorious grin pulling at your lips.

Just as you go to say something, a low groan from the male laying on his back to your left draws your attention.

“Oh shit, Universe!” You hop right off of Yeosang to inspect the damage you’ve done to Yunho’s cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he replies, somewhat in a daze. His hand comes up to cup his cheek, almost affectionately. “Never better.”

“I just kicked you in the face, and you’re acting like a schoolboy who’s just received a cheek kiss from his crush for the first time.” You chuckle, noticing how Yeosang now kneels beside you with an almost pout on his lips. You quirk a brow, “What, you want me to kick you, too?”

Yeosang shoots you an innocent side eyed look, hope shining behind his orbs.

“I can’t wait to tell Mingi,” Yunho chuckles, pushing himself into a sitting position.

“I think Wooyoung might be more jealous.” Yeosang comments casually.

“You guys want me to harm you when we spar?” The appal is clear on your features.

“We don’t get hurt that easily, Dearest, but when it’s you that manages to surprise us, it’s incredible.” Yeosang tells you honestly. “Not to mention how much pride that fills us when you hit us in this context.”

“Not to mention incredibly sexy.” Yunho breathes, still stuck in that daze as the tips of his fingers gently rub over his cheek.

A brief conversation with Hongjoong about that scar that still sits proudly on his chest flashes through your mind.

“It’s impressive.” Yeosang concludes with a firm nod.

“Oh.” You giggle, a heat rising to your cheeks at their praise. “I still worry, though.”

“We know.” Yunho smiles at you, noticing how you gently pull his hand away to place a tender kiss upon his cheek. His ears flare bright red. “The feeling is, and will always be, mutual, Petal.”

You simply smile in response, helping Yunho back to his feet. Still, you cannot hide the concern in your eyes.

“Don’t worry, Petal.” Yunho chuckles, wrapping his one arm around you briefly in order to place a gentle kiss onto your temple. “Believe me when I say we’ve all suffered much worse injuries at each other’s hands before.”

You blink at him in shock.

“Remember how we told that you we don’t hold back on each other when sparring?” Yeosang chimes in.

Realization floods your features, nodding along to his words slowly.

“The bets were the worst.” Yunho hums, clearly reminiscing some past memories. “We would never kill each other, but we’ve gotten close to it a few times.”

Your brow furrows immensely in worry.

“Heat of the moment, Dearest.” Yeosang is quick to explain at the way your lips seem to part with a response. “It’s why we always had at least one of us to moderate the fights when we made bets on each other.”

“I still want to watch you guys fight one another at some point.” You comment, moving off to the side to take a drink of water.

“We haven’t forgotten, Petal.” Yunho grins. “We’re just saving it for now.”

You pout, somewhat dramatically.

“All in due time, Dearest.” Yeosang chuckles. “All in due time.”

You sigh, “I suppose it might be better for when I know how to at least use some weapons. I can study how you guys all use them, then.”

“Exactly.” Yunho nods, before catching himself. “Wait, what?”

“I thought I mentioned that I’m somewhat of a visual learner?” You tilt your head slightly in inquiry at him.

A flash of your hands weaving together those flowers in that clearing all those months ago flits through his mind.

“I remember now.” He hums, a loving smile gracing his lips.

A smile which you return.

Yeosang clears his throat, looking pointedly at Yunho. “How’s your head?”

Yunho spares a brief look towards you, a smirk pulling subtly onto his features. He licks his lips. “No complaints.”

The second that you spit out the water you’re drinking, Yeosang has jumped onto Yunho’s back, locking his arms around the elder male’s throat and choking him out. You begin coughing simultaneously as laughter attempts to escape you, Yunho thrashing around with Yeosang clinging like a koala to his back.

Finally, you manage to get your coughing under control as laughter takes over in full swing. Your eyes crinkle as you see the two of them continuing to play fight, Yunho soon tossing Yeosang over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and slamming the shorter male onto the mat below him.

The fact that they can hear how joyous you are in this moment makes each of their hearts swell. A sound neither will ever grow tired of. Knowing that they are the cause only serves to make them happy, pride swelling in their chests despite the circumstances that lead to this encounter. Well, at least for one of them.

You watch on with a fond look in your eyes as you lean against the side wall. That is, until a distant look crosses your features, and you seem to zone out for a minute or two.

“Is everything okay, Dearest?” It’s Yeosang’s voice that manages to pull you out of your thoughts.

You focus back in on your surroundings, noticing the worried tug of both his and Yunho’s brows, the two of them standing before you.

“Yeah,” you send them both a small smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Now, who’s the distracted one?” Yunho jokes, moving beside you in order to nudge your arm slightly with his elbow.

Yeosang sends him a pointed look before turning back to you. “Are you sure you’re okay, Dearest? San and Mingi told us what happened earlier at the hospital.“

You take a moment to think, brow furrowing slightly as you look down at the ground.

“I just-“ you sigh. “I had so much pent up anger and sadness when I was younger for what he did to me. I never understood why he did it, and now that this has happened, I don’t quite know how to feel.”

“How do you feel, Petal?” Yunho steps in closer, placing a comforting hand onto your shoulder.

“Relieved, in a way.” You reply honestly. “Confused. Maybe a little angry, and a slight bit resentful still. It happened so long ago, that I didn’t think too much of the situation anymore. At least, I tried not to, but seeing him today just brought everything back. I’m still attempting to figure out if I’m actually passed everything with him or not, or if I just wanted to scrub it from my memory. I don’t think I can forgive him, though. Not after what he did to me.”

A brief pause.

“You know, I contemplating running away from home because of him. Just disappearing off the map, and dying in a ditch, because I believed him when he said no one would care.” You swallow thickly. “I was only ten.”

The way you see Yeosang’s eyes flash before you out of the corner of your vision says it all. You don’t even need to look at Yunho to know he does the same.

“Yet, hearing him apologize for things today…” you trail off, finally lifting your gaze to glance at both males standing around you. “Well, it’s like I told San and Mingi earlier today. It did feel freeing. It felt like finally getting an acknowledgment of everything bad he did to me, and him owning up to it. It’s- it’s-” you blink, your lips parting as they twitch upwards, “gratifying.”

Gently, Yeosang takes your hands in his own, yet you still manage to feel the subtle way he cannot control them from shaking.

“Is there-“ he swallows thickly, keeping his voice low as he clears his throat, “Is there anything we can do?”

You take a moment to stare deeply into his eyes, thinking of your answer carefully.

You blink lightly once more.

“No.” You shake your head. “No. I don’t think there is.”

“Petal-“

“The past can’t be changed now, nor do I want it to be.” You cut Yunho’s worried tone off. “I’m not the same person I was back then, but it’s made me who I am today. Yes, he hurt me.” You take a breath. “Am I going to let those old memories control my life? No. Besides, I’ve got more important things to think about now.”

“As long as you’re okay, Petal,” Yunho squeezes your shoulder gently. “That’s all we care about.”

“I’m okay, Yun.” You offer him a small smile before squeezing Yeosang’s hands back. “I’ll be okay.”

A comfortable silence settles over the three of you as you all hold onto each other so tenderly. You know both males will do whatever they can to comfort you, should you ask them to, but right now, you also have other things on your mind. Mainly, moving passed this and getting on with your new life.

“So…” You spare a glance at each male surrounding you. “Weapons?”

Yeosang quirks a brow, “What would you like to start with?”

“You’re letting me choose?” Your eyes widen, and you cannot help the way you begin to bounce on your feet.

At their nods, a large grin pulls at your lips.

“Is there something you have in mind?” Yunho asks, an eager tone to his inquiry.

Multiple weapons flash through your mind at once, and you bring a hand up to your chest in hopes to quell your racing heart. That’s when you remember the state of your shirt, or rather, your now non-existent shirt.

Humming in thought to yourself, you pull the last few scraps of material off of your body. Gently, you tuck the fabric beside your water bottle, leaving you in just your sports bra for the time being. Not that any of you really mind.

That’s when you get an idea.

“Well, it’d be best to start with something at least somewhat familiar, no?” You look between the two males before you.

“That would probably be best.” Yeosang nods in confirmation.

“Well, since I haven’t seen any of you use any of your weapons yet, I’ll stick with something I’ve used before.” You reply, a knowing grin tugging onto your features. “Could one of you please get me a bat?”

You can see the surprise on both of their features the instant you say this. Regardless, Yeosang makes a wooden baseball bat appear in his hand, presenting it to you almost immediately.

“A bat, Petal?” Yunho’s brow quirks.

“Listen, I don’t want to be playing around with something I don’t understand yet. No matter how badly I want to throw an axe, or stab something with a sword, it’s not worth the risk for my first try.” You reply, grabbing the wooden object from Yeosang’s outstretched hand. “This,” you shake the bat lightly, “at least I’m somewhat familiar with. The worst it can really do is break a few bones at the present.”

“Is that why you were going to use it to bash San’s kneecaps in with?” Yeosang’s eyes shine with nothing but amusement.

“I had a lot of pent up rage as a teenager.” You shrug, stepping back onto the sparring mat while letting the bat spin loosely in your hand. A blink, and you’ve allowed it to fall in a circle, the tip nearly touching the ground before you’re holding it upright in the air. “Reina and I spent a lot of time in rec rooms, smashing shit. Especially when the whole thing happened with her ex first year of university.”

“You’ve mentioned.” Yunho nods, recalling that conversation briefly in his mind.

“There’s a reason he takes my threats seriously.” You grin, stepping up before a fighting dummy.

You eye the test dummy, flipping the bat almost absentmindedly in your one hand.

“Should we be worried?” Yeosang chuckles, a pleasant shiver caressing his spine as he watches you handle that bat for the moment.

“It’s been a while, so potentially.” You shrug, solidifying your hold on the base. “The first few times I ever swung seriously, I kept accidentally letting the bat go. It would go flying across the room and into the wall.”

“We’ll stand behind you, then.” Yunho grins, an eager gleam in his eyes as he sees you beginning to weigh the bat in each of your hands.

Continuously, you do more spins with the bat, tossing it from hand to hand to get a better feel of the wood beneath your grip.

“I wonder how much worse my swing has gotten.” You say, almost absentmindedly to yourself. “It’s been a while. My aim’s also never been particularly good.”

“Oh, come on, Baby,” San’s voice suddenly coming from behind you has you jumping before you’re spinning around to face him. “You can’t be that bad if you’re confident enough to threaten me with it.”

Your eyebrow quirks, noticing all eight of them now standing behind you.

“You think we’re going to pass up the opportunity of seeing you hit something with a weapon for the first time?” Wooyoung grins, almost maniacally. “Not likely, Angel.”

“Didn’t realize I’d have an audience.” You mutter, tightening your grip on the base of that bat in your hand once more.

“We’re only here to encourage you, Starlight.” Mingi smiles, a proud nod to his head.

“Yunho also wouldn’t stop bragging about getting kicked in the face by you.” San adds, somewhat bitterly. “We’re also here to kick his ass afterwards."

You shoot a pointed look at Yunho.

“What?” He raises his hands in his own defence. “I told you already, Petal. It makes us proud knowing what you’re capable of.”

“He’s just hoping you’ll do it again.” Hongjoong hums, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Says the one begging to be stabbed all the time,” Seonghwa rolls his eyes.

“Just say you’re jealous and be done with it.” Jongho snorts, leaning against one of the racks with weights on them.

“Okay,” you huff out a small laugh, turning back around to face the fighting dummy.

Lowly, you can hear them continuing to bicker behind you, and the fact that you can hardly feel their attention lingering on you causes you to relax. Inhaling deeply, you fill your lungs with as much air as you can before slowly exhaling. Shuffling from foot to foot, you gently tap the tip of the bat against the side of your foot in preparation for what you’re about to do.

Raising the wooden object, you let it spin once more in your hand before you’re gripping it tightly in your hold. Lining up your shot, a crazed look takes over your features as you swing the bat to strike at the head of the dummy, letting your adrenaline drive you. The resulting crack fills the room on impact, and the dummy goes tumbling to the floor with little resistance.

Silence surrounds you, and all you can register is a loud ringing in your ears as your chest heaves with each breath. Your body stands over that fighting dummy, now laying face down on the floor, the bat resting at your side with the tip balanced upon the floor.

That felt good. Probably better than it should have for the moment.

You turn to face them, a gleeful giggle falling from your lips, “How was that?”

However, you do not expect the scene that greets you as soon as you turn around.

San has fallen to his knees, his chest heaving as his mouth rests open in shock. Wooyoung is right beside him, both his and San’s chests heaving as the younger supports himself using his one arm on the ground. Seonghwa has a hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder, steadying himself while the elder can only stand there, stunned, with his eyes as black as night. To his left, Jongho stands, barely holding himself upright against that rack of weights for the moment as Mingi attempts to steady himself against the wall. Both Yunho and Yeosang are not fairing much better, appearing as if they’ve stopped breathing for the time being.

They all look about ready to pounce on you. In a good way, of course.

“Uh…” you blink at them in shock.

A loud crash is heard as Jongho finally loses his balance, a weight tumbling to the ground as it dislodges from the rack. It lands unceremoniously on his foot, of which he immediately grabs, hopping around as curses fall from his mouth.

“Oh shit, are you okay?” Immediately, you attempt to rush over to Jongho, only to get stopped by two males.

The breath escapes you as you go tumbling to the floor, the bat clattering onto the mat beside you. You hardly register anything for the moment except the sight of the ceiling above you, and the sound of low, pleased snarls filling the room and surrounding you from all angles.

A male rests on top of you, and you can feel yourself laying on top of another, both with their faces pressed into either side of your neck. Their pleased rumbles reverberate through your chest, every exhale they make tickling your skin. You swear they both begin nuzzling into you, too.

“Geez, if this is how you’re going to react every time I smack something, I think we’re going to need to put some rules in place.” You joke, an amused chuckle spilling from your lips as you see Hongjoong finally pull back from your neck to stare into your eyes.

“My Love, you cannot blame us.” There’s a hint of a growl to his words as his gaze swirls with that all too familiar darkness that you’ve become used to. “You must understand, we’ve been dreaming of this moment for a very long time.”

“What?” The corner of your lips quirks upwards. “Me smacking something with a bat?”

“You using any kind of weapon.” Seonghwa answers, his chest rumbling beneath you once more as his grip tightens against your hips.

He shifts beneath you, and you swear that you can feel something hard already pressing firmly into your ass.

Your breath hitches slightly, and you swear you feel him smirk against your skin.

“So, you really could have done some damage to San that day.” Yunho observes casually with a hum.

“Hey!” Said male whines, finally managing to stand back to his feet.

“I would have paid to see it.” Jongho says, replacing the fallen weight back onto the rack.

“You were the one who gave her the bat.” Mingi recalls.

“And I’d do it again!” The youngest replies, quite eagerly at that.

“Okay, so make sure there aren’t any bats around when we do anything to piss her off.” Wooyoung nods, somewhat to himself.

“More like, make sure you hide all the bats when you inevitably annoy her again.” Yunho teases, the others snickering along in agreement.

“Hey!” This time, it’s Wooyoung’s turn to whine.

“Woah, let’s not rule out the fact that I’m not gonna go around smacking you guys for the hell of it.” You chime in, gently guiding Hongjoong off of you for the moment, much to his displeasure.

“So, you don’t want to smack our asses?” Mingi quirks a knowing brow.

“If anyone wants to smack someone’s ass here, Min, it’s you.” You playfully roll your eyes, noticing how he suddenly averts his own gaze knowing damn well that you speak the truth.

“How did we go from baseball bats to smacking asses?” Seonghwa exhales a long sigh, helping you sit up beside him.

“It’s good for moral support.” San quips, Wooyoung immediately nodding along enthusiastically.

“You want me to spank you?” You look at them expectantly, noticing how red quite a few of them begin to get at your words.

Mingi begins to splutter.

“Well, if you’re offering,” Wooyoung smirks deviously, jutting out his hip slightly as if to put his ass on display.

This earns him a smack upside the head from Jongho, who suddenly cannot seem to meet your gaze.

“I mean, if you want me to,” you shrug, unaware of the commotion you’ve just started.

San and Wooyoung now appear to be wrestling on the ground, arguing about who’s going to get felt up first. Meanwhile, both Mingi and Jongho keep pushing each other back every time the other takes a step forward and towards you. Yunho laughs off to the side while both Seonghwa and Hongjoong begin bickering beside you. The only one you have yet to hear speak since this whole fiasco started is Yeosang.

Turning your head, you nearly jump when you see Yeosang crouched beside you. Silently, he presses a finger to his lips, helping you to your feet as you both slip away during the chaos erupting around you.

Carefully, Yeosang leads you to an area off to the side. It’s quite a long area, acting as a shooting range for target practice more than anything. Given how close it is to where you just were, you’re surprised none of the others have noticed your disappearance yet. Looks like they’re too busy bickering with one another to take note of your absence.

“Yeo?” You blink at him curiously, noticing how he moves around quickly, gathering a few things before standing directly in front of you.

“I had to get you away before they noticed.” He smiles, resting a quiver of arrows against the bench closest to you.

A bow rests in his left hand. It’s simplistic in design, and quite slim, but even you can tell that it’s carved from wood despite the smooth, black paint that covers the entirety of it.

“Are you going to shoot for me?” You cannot hide the excitement in your eyes.

“Perhaps.” A teasing quirk to his lips upwards. “Or maybe I intend for us to shoot together.”

Your breath hitches, a large grin painting your features as you giggle gleefully.

“You know, I’ve always loved archery.” You comment, barely able to prevent yourself from bouncing on your toes as you watch him grab an arrow from the quiver.

“I remember.” He smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “Would you like to watch me-“

“Yes.” There is no hesitation in your response, even as you clasp your hands over your chest hopefully. “I mean…” You clear your throat, noticing how he blinks at you in mild shock. “Please. I would love to.”

With those final words, you motion for him to continue.

A kind smile and a nod are all you get in response as Yeosang takes his position on the little shooting platform. Still, he holds that bow in his one hand, placing the arrow into the little nook before taking a deep breath to steady himself. Then, with a smooth precision that you’ve become so accustomed to from him, he lifts his weapon, lining up his shot with the target at the end of the track.

Every movement he makes, every breath he takes, you observe carefully. Your eyes never leave him, noting how focused he looks in this very moment. The string of the bow is pressed against the corner of his lips as he draws the arrow back, arms not so much as wavering even in the slightest in their hold. The line from the tip of the arrow to the end of his elbow is steady, and if you didn’t know him, you’d swear he was a statue rather than a living person in this very moment.

A breath, and the arrow is loosed.

The tip spears through the air, landing in a dull thunk as it meets its target across the way. Naturally, it lands dead centre.

Nothing but awe paints your features as you see him turn to you. Adoration is clear in your eyes as you watch him step up to you, a shy smile tugging at his lips.

“You’re incredible, you know that?” You breathe, your hands still clasped in front of your chest.

“That truly means the world to me coming from you, Dearest.” Yeosang smiles softly, bringing his free hand up to gently cup your cheek. “I’m just glad I can finally share this with you.”

“I won’t lie, I’ve been looking forward to this since you mentioned teaching me that day at the mall.” Your lids flutter shut, leaning into his touch.

“Really?” He tilts his head slightly, thumb tenderly stroking along your cheek. At the way you hum in response, he steps in closer, breath ghosting the skin of your lips. “I’m glad.”

Softly, your eyes open to stare deeply into his own. He seems to be studying your every feature, nothing but fondness reflected in his gaze as he cannot help but keep sparing fleeting glances down at your lips.

Your tongue darts out to wet them, and you hear his breath hitch slightly in his throat.

“I always enjoy spending time with you, Yeo.” The admission is but a whisper on your lips, scared that if you speak any louder, you’ll disturb the moment between the two of you.

Faintly, in the background, you can still hear the other seven bickering about something or other. Not that you’re really paying attention to them at the moment.

“The feeling is, and always will be, mutual, My Queen.” He breathes out, leaning forward slightly to rest his forehead against your own.

Your heart flutters.

“Yeosang?”

He hums, tilting his head slightly forward so that his nose brushes against your own.

“Kiss me.”

Like every time before, you do not have to ask him twice.

How the press of his lips against your own always feels just like the very first time escapes you. Always, he holds you gently, pouring everything he is into the movement of his lips over your own. He cradles you close, loving how your own hands find purchase on his shoulders to steady yourself as he kisses your breath away.

It’s slow, and loving. Nothing more expected than what the other is willing to give. All the same, it makes your heart race, nothing but love flooding your veins as he holds you to him gently.

Slowly, he retracts, only for you to quickly press forward to peck his lips a few more times.

He chuckles, “Dearest.”

“You can’t blame me.” You hum, eyes fluttering open as you loop your arms around his neck. “You’re addictive, Yeosang.”

A pleasant shiver caresses his spine as he growls lowly. “I could say the same about you, My Queen.”

You giggle, and it’s still one of the most melodic sounds Yeosang has ever heard in his entire life.

“Now,” you hum, taking a minor step back while unlocking your arms from around his shoulders in order to stare at him eagerly. “Show me how to do that, please.”

Yeosang smiles, his heart thundering inside of his chest. “It would be my honour.”

A dull thud from behind you both draws your attention to see the other seven seemingly wrestling with each other for the moment. Yunho seems to have pinned Mingi on the mat, both Wooyoung and San going after Jongho at the same time. Hongjoong and Seonghwa seem to be attempting to choke the other out while standing on their feet, locked in a stalemate of sorts as chaos thrives around them.

A low chuckle escapes you as you shake your head. “I have a feeling they’ll be busy for a while.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Yeosang grins right along with you. Extending his free hand out to you, his eyes begin to shine, “Shall we?”

“We shall.” You immediately place your hand in his.

Gently, Yeosang guides you up onto that little platform with him, making sure to line you both up with a fresh target on the track.

Out of the corner of your eyes, you see his first arrow still sticking proudly out of that first target off to the side.

“How much do you know about archery?” He asks, nothing but curiosity in his gaze as he grabs another arrow from the quiver.

“Honestly?” You take moment to think. “Not much. Other than what you’ve already told me.”

He nods, stepping in beside you as he offers you the bow.

“The hardest part to begin with can be finding enough strength to draw back the string.” He explains, noting how you carefully observe the bow and all its intricate details as soon as you have it in your hands. Your wonder and awe makes his heart skip a beat. “We can practice that a few times before you attempt to knock an arrow.”

“Okay.” Your eyes dart back up to meet his gaze, and you hear his breath catch in his throat yet again.

With a little help from Yeosang, he’s able to guide you on how to properly hold a bow.

“Don’t be afraid of it, Dearest.” He instructs. “You can cause far more damage with a bow than it can ever do to you while wielding it.”

A nod from you is all he receives that you understand his words.

For a few minutes, he has you practice lifting the bow into a shooting stance, and drawing the string back as if you’re about to take a shot. Still, he holds that arrow in his hand, watching on with nothing but loving pride in his eyes as you follow his every instruction with the utmost care.

“You’re doing wonderful, Dearest.” He grins, his gaze dripping with affection as he watches you absolutely revel in his praise. “You’re picking up things very quickly, especially the basics.”

You giggle, a subtle heat rising to your cheeks. “Well, I did spend a lot of time pretending to be an archer when I was younger. I may not have known much, but some of my favourite characters are, so I wanted to be just like them.”

Yeosang quirks a brow, “Oh?”

“Yeah,” you avert your gaze, somewhat shyly. “Katniss, Kagome, Legolas. I always wanted a bow from the woodland realm when I was small. I thought the designs were beautiful, and like I said before, I’ve always had a fascination with archery.”

“Remind me to show you my collection soon, then.” He hums knowingly, a fond look dancing within his eyes.

Your whole demeanour perks up even further, “Okay!”

“For now, how about we shoot your first arrow?” There’s nothing but tender love in his gaze as he looks at you, seeing as you begin shaking lightly in excitement. “Deep breath, Dearest. You don’t want to be shooting with a shaky arm.”

You grin, nodding eagerly.

Following his instructions and taking a deep, steadying breath, you manage to calm your nerves slightly. Still, you cannot deny the excitement that courses through your veins as he hands you that singular arrow.

Gently, Yeosang instructs you on how to notch it before drawing it back.

“We can practice with you drawing from a quiver another time.” He says. “For now, let’s just keep it simple.”

“Sounds good.” You smile.

“Okay, Dearest,” he motions towards the target with his head. “Whenever you’re ready.”

A nod is all he receives in response as you take another deep breath.

Looking towards your feet, you take a moment to steady your nerves once more. Shifting your gaze, you study that target across the way, relaxing your shoulders just as Yeosang has instructed you to do. Raising the bow, you draw the string back, lining up your shot as best as you can.

The feeling of his eyes watching you is a little nerve wracking to say the least. You can feel your hands shaking as you attempt to steady your aim, holding your breath as your eyes focus in on the target at the end of the track. With each second that passes, you find it increasingly difficult to maintain the pull of the string, that thin band threatening to snap forward and through your grip at any moment.

There’s a furrow to your brow as you concentrate, but even you can tell how shaky you’ve suddenly become.

Softly, Yeosang moves behind you, placing his hands on your waist in comfort.

“Breathe, Dearest.” He whispers lowly into your ear, causing a shiver to caress your spine as his nose trails up the skin of your neck. “You’ve got this.”

Slowly, his hands begin to trail up your sides. Goosebumps erupt on your arms as you feel him cover your one hand holding onto the bow with his own, the other supporting your arm that’s drawing back the string. His chin rests on your shoulder, head leaning in the softest of touches against your own.

Suddenly, the string doesn’t become as difficult to hold onto anymore.

“Guide me.” His voice rumbles out. “We can make the shot together.”

The soothing timbre of his voice manages to calm you, and you find yourself taking another much needed deep breath. The heat of his body pressing against yours only adds to the moment, and you allow the familiar, comforting scent of sea island cotton to surround you.

You steady your hands.

The arrow is loosed in the blink of an eye, and you barely register the dull thunk of it sinking into the target across the way. All you can think about in this moment is how Yeosang’s hands feel settling back on your waist, the ghost of a smile on his lips as he buries his face into the side of your neck.

“See,” he hums lowly, squeezing your waist gently in his grip. “I knew you could do it."

Blinking to clear your vision, you allow your whole body to relax into his touch.

That’s when you see where your arrow has landed.

An involuntary excited squeal escapes you as you turn around in his hold.

“Sangie! Look!” You giggle, eyes crinkling at the sides with your joyous expression. “We hit bullseye!”

“You did that all by yourself, Dearest.” He grins, hands squeezing your hips gently once more. “I’m so proud of you.”

You begin wiggling happily in his hold, eyes falling shut as you smile wide.

“Leave it to Yeosang to steal everyone’s thunder.” Mingi grumbles from off to the side.

Turning your head, you see him standing with his arms crossed, a slight pout on his lips. The others don’t seem to be faring any better, but you’re too happy to care at the moment.

“Guys!” You bounce on your feet, pointing to the target at the end of the track. “Look!”

Several sets of eyes finally take note of the two targets side by side with arrows sticking out of the centre of each of them.

“Is one of those yours, My Love?” There’s a certain prideful gleam shining within Hongjoong’s eyes as he asks this.

At your vigorous nod, they have all the answers they need.

“That’s incredible, Baby!” San immediately rushes over to you, pulling you out of Yeosang’s embrace and into his own. He immediately lifts you in his arms, laughing along with you in your excitement, much to the elder’s annoyance.

“You did wonderful, Petal.” Yunho hums, being the next to walk over to you. Easily, he pulls San off of you, dragging him back in order for Yeosang to wrap you back into his arms once again.

A firm nod is sent to the taller male from Yeosang in thanks, to which Yunho simply smiles at in response.

A pout rests on San’s lips as he crosses his arms, only lessened by the fact that Wooyoung has to be held back by Jongho in the next second before the male tackles you to the ground in his excitement.

“It’s only because I have such a good teacher.” The way you turn and look back at Yeosang with nothing but fondness in your gaze says it all.

Soft rumbles shake their chests as they observe the scene before them, and they know for a fact that the loving look that resides on Yeosang’s features right this very instant is reflected on all of their own faces right now. Seeing you so happy, and so eager to learn even one of their chosen weapons has both a pride and love unlike ever before filling their chests. Emotions of which they will gladly indulge in when they’re with you, any and every time that they can.

“How was shooting an arrow for the first time, My Divine?” Seonghwa asks, an eager gleam to his eyes.

You smile, hands tightening subconsciously around that bow still held in your hands. You spare a glance down at the weapon. “Wonderful.”

“She’s a natural.” Yeosang hums, never tearing his eyes away from you for one second.

“I swear you’re just saying that.” You avert your gaze shyly, a vibrant heat rising to your cheeks.

“We’re not.” Wooyoung shakes his head almost instantly.

“You’re incredible, Starlight.” Mingi adds without a moment of hesitation.

“Our Perfect Queen.” Yunho’s voice rumble out, growls of agreement sounding around you immediately.

You allow for your eyes to flutter shut, revelling in this moment with all of them for as long as you can as you relax further into Yeosang’s embrace.

“My Lovely Kings.” The words are but a pleasant hum on your lips.

Again, eight low growls rumble out through the room. A smile pulls at your lips as the sound dissipates, allowing for a comfortable silence to settle over all of you.

“So,” Yeosang’s low voice by your ear has you blinking your eyes open, heart skipping a beat as you hear his next words, “Want to see my collection?”

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spnfanficpond · 3 months ago

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July 2024 Angel Fish Awards

(Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words. (Click here to learn more about how to nominate a fic for an award!)

Nominated by @heavenssexiestangel

A Stairway to Nowhere by all_the_kings_ham (AO3)

Everyone knows there is a lack of some good Ducifer fics out there, due to it being a rarepair. This one is still one of my faves and I love the humanity and trauma shown in some scenes. It's truly worth a read.

Apple Pie and the Apocalypse by @ladyknightskye

I'm still reading it but I've read quite a few new chapters and I'm absolutely loving it. There are some hilarious scenes and some more serious ones (sometimes they're together...) and I really can't wait to see how it ends

Like an Open Book by @butiaintgonnaloveem

I am trying to get into x Reader fics and there truly is a lack of Ketch oh my G-d. Anyway. Although here the reader is... Way too dominant to be me lol... I love Ketch showing his softer side and reader helping him to relax. I shall leave nsfw thoughts untold 😫

Nominated by @annahmiraculousmillenium

Let's pretend I'm dead by evitably (AO3)

I love possession fic.

Nominated by @charliethealpaccaso

Woof by morrezela (AO3)

I tend to hunt down all sorts of transformation based fics of all kinds if it peaks my interest and this one caught my interest at the start. I want to make sure more people check out the tag or get some ideas. For this fic what if jensen got turned into a dalmatian. How is he going to deal with his new form and does he ever get back to his human self that is up to you to figure out

Like The Fairy Tales by Icefire149 (AO3)

As the one trying to seek out some great animal transformation fics we got this one where sam is turned into a frog. I thought this was a cute fic and worth a read if you like to check it out.

Regarding Sam by AllHallowsEve (AO3)

For me Regarding Dean was a great spn ep and when I found this I wanted to see what would happen for Sam. The story for the ep plays the same with some added bits more leaning on the Sam side of it all along with his relationship with Dean.

Home For a Stray by 3oclockrock (AO3)

This one was a hard read for me with the topics but it did peak my interest a bit in its concepts. If your interested in a strange read with more mature topics dealing with struggle and recovery check out this fic.

Faithful Companion by brokenlittleboy (AO3)

I'm still hunting down as much transformation fics that peak my interest and this was one I thought was a great read. Sam's powers go out of control causing him to change into a dog and Dean take a bit of an advantage on him giving him a pink collar.

Nominated by @glygriffe

Did You Hear? by cacholady (AO3)

This is a sweet outsider (mostly school related) POV on Dean. He might not be a dad, but he sure has a way with children! And I love that Bobby John Campbell was a part of this story.

Nominated by harrypotterfanatic1 (AO3)

amoralism by @artyandink

I'm nominating this because it's just caught my eye. It's an AU, based in the world of the FBI and the smut is just AAHH and the sexual tension and all of it is so damn GOOD! There's also a plot around a crime syndicate which includes as many major characters as possible and it's overall a read which I would recommend everyone to check out and leave their feedback on as there's so much to go. Aah, can't stop talking about it! It's the characterization as well, all the characters leap off the page and are so accurate. Definitely felt I should nominate this.

Nominated by @leatafandom

Wingman by cas---2y5 (AO3)

I love Sam's fascination with wings and Gabe helping him organize the bunker. I love how their relationship changes and the how Sam just can't help himself. Plus it's also just so steamy.

we sons of hell and heaven by @gay-destiel

This was such a great read! I love the word usage and descriptions so much! It was so enthralling and the relationships were amazing to watch bloom.

Nominated by @masoena

Living in a Haze by @girlsvmonsters

The story has well thought out plot, smoking hot smut, lots of Dean whump and a red thread of humor that compliments the trauma, angst and comfort perfectly. It is also polyamorous and A/B/O.

Nominated by @rainythursdaynight

Crashing In by @followyourenergy

I'm an angst girl through and through, but sometimes I just really need some fluff and comfort. That's what this fic is, hot chocolate on a (not 2024) cold winter's day, snowed in with a good book. Single parent Cas and kid Jack fics are always so lovely, as are the fics where Dean comes in when Cas needs it most. Even if in this fic it's a literal crash into them, it's fluffy and sweet and heart warming and cozy and everything you could ever want out of a read.

And This, Your Living Kiss by @asecretvice

I'm a sucker for well written stories about well written in-story works. Poet/Writer Dean has some beautiful works sprinkled throughout this fic that the author does so much justice to, his story is heart wrenching in the leave-your-chest-aching-despite-knowing-the-outcome-is-okay-kind-of-way, and I love me a fic about hidden identities. The tension, the prose, the energy: this fic is beautiful, if I only could describe it in one word it'd be that: Beautiful.

Heroes for Ghosts by @pantheonofdiscord

I think I haven't felt such deep yearning as I have felt conveyed through this fic. It reads so tense, like you're waiting for a small crack to let out some of the building up pressure and anxiety but still waiting, and waiting, and aching the way Cas does. And then when that pressure is finally relieved, god is it worth it. The waiting was worth it in the end. This fic is also a masterclass in writing interactions that aren't direct, none of TFW can speak to each other or see each other, but they still move and talk like they can, even if its out of desperation. It acknowledges the empty spaces in each of their lives during the fic, and reminds you in equal parts that they are connected even if the thread is invisible.

The Benjamin Franklin Key-and-Kite Experiment by @deanology101

I'm a sucker for not only time travel, but pre-season 4 deancas meetups. This one hit all the marks. It was tense with mystery, with energy, with passion and secrecy. It left the reader and the characters in equal levels of dark as to why things were happening in the way they were. And it kept characters alive that the show couldn't bother to, and gave the Winchesters some meaningful friendships to boot. This setting IS if Faith Healer had an extended cut, rainy and dreary and electric, but with occasional bouts of light peeking through the clouds. And Dean's Journal Entries? His little doodles? His analogies? Dean's voice was PHENOMENAL in this fic, I highly recommend it to any Dean fans, period.

The Sinking Ship by @crack--attack

I'll offer the note that I wrote down when I bookmarked this fic the first time. "Like bearing a part of my soul open and shining sunlight on it. I ache, but there are new flowers here. There are new flowers and a gentle breeze." This is a story about sacrifice, and love so intense it shakes the planes of the world. It's about story telling and eternity and history inundated by loss and a ticking clock and forgiveness and moving on and love. It's everything I could ever want in a piece of literature. Please, if you have even the slightest interest in Deancas, give this story a read. I read this not even acknowledging some of the ships in this fic but found myself pleasantly surprised by them. Even if you don't like or are impartial to deancas, or sam/rowena/gabe, or claire/maggie, please please PLEASE give this fic a shot. I'm so so glad I did.

The Neighboring Perspective by aileenrose (AO3)

A story about loss, grief, and healing. About loving unconventionally but loving fiercely and fully. About opening old closets and airing them out with hope. It's a shorty so I won't write much, just that if you're interested in moving on from loss, in finding new family, in learning how to love again, give this fic a shot. Plus baby!Ben Braedon is adorable throughout!

Out of the Deep by @riseofthefallenone

This is a behemoth of a fic, and popular if the hits are anything to go by. However, if you haven't read this yet and you're into heavy Mermaid lore, I highly recommend giving it a try! It's heavy at times. Cas is caged and sometimes no matter what they try to do, things don't work out for the protagonists. But they try again, and again, and again and the payoff is very much worth it in the end. Plus there's a whole lot of cathartic payback and BAMF Cas, Dean, Sam, and Jess that makes the high action points of this story edge-of-your-seat fun! And the calmer points much more magical, mystical, and hopeful. I loved it for its found family, for it's incredible lore, and it's fierceness. And when I have the time, I know I'll go back in for a second read.

Nominated by @samanddean76

My Brother's Keeper, My Father's Prisoner by @xpurdyglambertx

An Omegaverse story that starts dark with Dean being trapped by his duties and obligations. It follows him as he struggles to break away from those that are more intent on hurting him, than helping him to grow. With help, he does escape. And he goes on to find a relationship with an OC that you will love and adore. They grow together, while Dean works through all of the pain and trauma that was inflicted upon him by the one that should have protected him. It concludes with happy endings all around, and the possibility of hope for the rest of his days.

Nominated by @sardonic-the-writer

B-Clean by EliDeetz (AO3)

i'm nominating this story mostly because the descriptive nature had me hooked, as did the accurate characterization of gabriel, and the relationship between him and the reader was really enjoyable without feeling forced

Nominated by @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes

The Cherry Pie Club by zation (AO3)

>.< It’s so hard to explain. It’s a great story with angst, fluff, a bit of violence that is an after the fact type description so not too bad imo, and a hopeless romantic story. Zation does it again, ok? They’re an amazing writer and destiel is just *chef’s kiss* for them. I have yet to read a story of theirs that I haven’t enjoyed. I swear! Did I mention a bunch of well written kinky smut that also shows the developing relationship between the main characters and Dean coming to happy terms (with loving support) with his sexuality too. I highly recommend reading!

Stars in Your Eyes by Cigarettes_and_Valentines (AO3)

It is so, so good! It’s perfect. It’s perfect and I love it. Relaxed, Endverse-like Castiel is an amazing Alpha for Omega Dean Winchester, a career-focused man that loves his job. ❤️💙💚

Stars Above, Earth Below by @hellhoundsprey

It’s a love story that is technically a slow burn. It’s so sweet and well done. I love how the author gets Jensen and Jared finally together. It has a lot of A/O vibes imo, which might be why I love it so much. The secrets that come out and how it ends up actually helping in the long run, shows just how dedicated they are to each other. There is some angst but a good amount of smut that is actually necessary for the story. Pay attention to the details or you’ll miss it. 😊

For Appearances Only by @lotus820

It’s an amazing amalgam of urban fantasy, billionaire romance, one-sided enemy to lovers with a decent slow burn, and then everything gets fun, sexy, and dangerous. The love that Castiel has for Dean just keeps showing and showing so easily. Dean can’t help but falling for the being that is Castiel. I love this! This is a new comfort fic. It is amazing. You gotta read it. The title is half the story. 😊

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

The Fear That Remains by @stusbunker

This fic is nearly 4yrs old, and I've read it multiple times because the characterization is perfect (as Stu is wont to do) and it feels like I'm in the room, whether as a spectator or as the female reader. It's sumptuous and heartfelt, sexy and so, so Dean.

(Divider by @glygriffe)

THANK YOU ALL, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

- From your Admins and Manta Rays, @manawhaat, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mariekoukie6661, @thoughtslikeaminefield, @heavenssexiestangel, and @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes!

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fliflaflux · 6 months ago

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Sharess Caress with Astarion - a little analysis

CW: The following text deals with coping with the trauma of sexual and physical violence.

» When you met his eye for a moment, there's a look about him that reveals he's a milion realm away «

The scene with the Drow twins is often discussed - But what was astarion thinking in agreeing to the whole thing in the first place? I try to analyze a little what might be going on in the head of our favorite vampire. Might is important here, because of course I cannot know exactly.

First of all, what will I be referring to when I write about Astarion's trauma?

» "In the immediate aftermath of trauma, the victim's personality organization is disintegrated, and experiences of self and world are fragmented and chaotic. With the passage of time, the survivor's symptoms consolidate into recognizable patterns, such as intrusive memories, emotional numbness, and exaggerated startle responses." « (From: Herman, J. L. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.)

Or in short: it's a mess.

Trial-and-Error

Treating trauma is a complicated matter and in many cases requires the help of a therapist. However, I have not yet heard of any therapists in Faerûn - so Astarion is on his own (Or he and Tav.) So I theorize that he's trying the trial-and-error method to find his own boundaries after Cazador is defeated.

Trial-and-error methods in trauma therapy refer to the process by which therapists and patients try and adapt different treatment approaches and techniques to identify those that are most effective in addressing trauma sequelae and promoting healing. In this approach, therapy is viewed as an iterative process in which both therapists and patients experiment together to find the best treatment approaches that best meet the patient's individual needs, resources and responses.

It is important to note that trial-and-error methods in trauma therapy are typically not used in isolation but as part of a more wide-ranging therapeutic approach. Here's from the book "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk: » "The healing process often involves trial and error as therapists and clients explore different techniques and approaches to determine what works best for the individual." «

But the thing is that Astarion doesn't have a therapist. His approach of agreeing so quickly may be one to find his hard boundaries in order to be able to work with them. However, in this case he had no one to support him. No one to catch him when he started to disassociate (when he is miles away). Not to mention that jumping into bed with two strangers and his love might have been a bit too much of a jump from 0 to 100.

He certainly wants to have a 'normal' relationship with Tav, which includes sleeping together. Just because he is traumatized in this way doesn't mean that he doesn't want any more physical closeness. On the contrary: I even think that he really wants this unforced closeness out of his own desire. But he's not completely ready for it yet. But it's in character for him over the course of the game that he doesn't think long about the offer with the Drow twins, but agrees straight away. And completely overreaches himself.

Good or bad decision?

So is it a bad decision to suggest Astarion visit the brothel at all? No. I have and will always make it dependent on my player character and how it fits into the roleplay. Because Astarion agrees of his own free will. Part of his character arc is that he learns to make his own decisions and have his own experiences. This also means that he has the right to make wrong decisions. These can also be learned from in the process of healing. Every experience is important.

Cheers! -Flux

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unwelcome-ozian · 3 months ago

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TREATMENT BOOKS (a few suggestions, listed alphabetically)

Rebuilding Shattered Lives, Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, 2nd ed, (2011), by James Chu. A valuable book for beginners and experienced clinicians, this text offers practical advice on therapeutic techniques and treatment, with information about early attachments and their effects, neurobiology, crisis management and psychopharmacology

Shelter from the Storm: Processing the Traumatic Memories of DID/DDNOS Patients with the Fractionated Abreaction Technique, (2013) by Richard Kluft. Integrates elements from psychoanalysis, psychodynamic psychotherapy, hypnosis, behavioral therapy, cognitive therapy, and EMDR to support a practical, empathic, and compassionate approach to treatment, taking care to avoid retraumatisation

The Haunted Self – Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatisation, (2006), by Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis & Kathy Steele. This key text draws attention to the substantial problems suffered by chronically traumatised individuals. It presents the theory of structural dissociation of the personality, a phase-oriented approach to treatment, and hope that recovery is achievable

Trauma Model Therapy: A Treatment Approach for Trauma Dissociation and Complex Comorbidity, (2009) by Colin Ross. A practical, well-structured manual, presenting theory, assessment and treatment strategies, techniques and interventions for severe dissociative disorders

Treating Complex Trauma and Dissociation – a practical guide to navigating therapeutic challenges, (2017) by Lynette Danylchuk & Kevin Connors. This highly readable book combines clinical experience and insight. It presents clear and practical information to support understanding and offers guidance for navigating a phased approach to treatment, handling foundational issues and potential challenges’ 2nd Edition due out July 2023, includes the latest research and treatment developments

Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach, (2017), by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon & Onno van der Hart. Written by leading experts, this comprehensive text extends the content of the skills training manual, (listed in the ‘Self-Help’ section). It offers a practical, thorough, and insightful approach to treatment based on the structural dissociation model

Treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder: Techniques and Strategies for Stabilisation, (2018), by Colin Ross. Practical, concise and informative, especially useful for practitioners new to working with DID

Working with Voices and Dissociative Parts – A Trauma-informed approach, (2nd edn, 2019) by Dolores Mosquera. A comprehensive, elaborative, and inspirational workbook, that is truly integrative, structured and collaborative, and informative for both the novice and the senior practitioner

#DID #Trauma #Trauma recovery #Dissociation #recovery books #resources

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pinkcreamypeach · 3 months ago

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Some headcanons of my Mario interpretations

(The Mario brothers this time)

Mario is a passionate person who wears his heart on his sleeve. He is not afraid to show his emotions and affection, and is able to form strong bonds with others through his openness and vulnerability. However, his desire for love and companionship can sometimes make him vulnerable to manipulation and disappointment.

Mario, as a teen, was a diligent young man who attended boxing classes to defend himself and his twin brother. His metabolism was considerably slower than that of his brother, and he often had difficulty staying in shape. Fortunately, he was able to avoid getting caught smoking weed by his brother, who served as a disciplinarian to the twins. His mother was often permissive, spoiling them with food and love, though their father believed this made them soft. He encouraged them to take self-defense seriously and did not support Mario's decision to become a plumber, a move that Luigi soon followed. Despite his reservations, he loved his sons and hoped for their success.Luigi, as a teen, was a shy and socially awkward teen who nevertheless loved playing soccer with his brother. He suffered a tragic "accident" when bullies caused him to break his knee, which shattered his confidence and forced him to give up sports completely. The trauma caused him to seek solace in books and withdraw from social interactions, making it difficult for him to make friends. He did, however, form meaningful relationships with girls, which made him feel grateful.

The Mario brothers have curly hair; Luigi's hair is wavy and curly, while Mario's hair type is curly and short. Mario used to straighten his hair because of his insecurities about his acne and slightly chubby build. He became obsessed with the handkerchief that Peach gave him after meeting her one night - a fascination that lasted for months as he continued to draw blonde-haired individuals in his sketchbooks. Mario's obsession became a topic of conversation for his uncle, who made light jokes about the teen's attachment to the blonde girl he had met only once.Luigi's "friends" were fake, as their true colors began to show in time. Luigi's mother constantly warned him about their negative influence. After they pranked Luigi and left him to clean up the mess, Luigi's trust in others gradually dissolved. He struggled to make new friends until his knee injury, when he met some supportive individuals at the hospital. These new connections helped him through the difficult months of recovery.

My Mario brothers are POC with tannish-brown, rich skin tone that's a shade of bronze. Mario's eyes gleam with a warm, brown hue, and Luigi's eyes have a cool shade of blue-gray. Both Mario and Luigi have dark brown hair that complement their features perfectly. As for their body types, Luigi has a slender build with a hint of chubbiness while Mario has a chubby, muscular physique. Mario's skin is slightly rough, with scars and small burn marks that serve as a reminder of his past endeavors. Luigi, on the other hand, has lightning scars on his skin. Luigi's hair reaches all the way down his back, making it the perfect length for braiding or putting up in a ponytail. Mario, on the other hand, prefers to keep his hair above his shoulders with sideburns framing his face.

Mario's aversion towards mushrooms is actually due to him being what one would call a "picky eater." His mother would frequently try to make him enjoy eating the fungi, but he would either reject or even vomit them. Mario would go to great lengths to avoid eating mushrooms, including hiding them from his twin brother. Luigi, on the other hand, wasn't fond of mushrooms because of their appearance, but a delicious filling inside a roasted mushroom changed his mind and now he loves eating them. In fact, mushrooms have become his favorite comfort food, second only to the cinnamon rolls that his father occasionally makes for him.

But Mario's body insecurity is not something he lets show. Underneath his overly confident attitude, he has body issues that he tries to hide with his positive attitude. However, Mario always hypes his brother up when he feels uncomfortable. Luigi wishes to do the same for him, but Mario never allows it, feeling that he would only be a burden. The twin brothers both have anxiety issues, although Luigi's are more obvious than Mario's. It takes a lot for Mario to feel comfortable wearing shorts, even in the summer. However, his confidence grows when Princess Peach compliments his appearance. On the other hand, Luigi prefers to wear comfortable clothing and has no problem showing some skin, but is more shy about exposing his chest.

Mario is a hopeless romantic at heart. He is easily swayed by his emotions and is prone to falling in love at first sight. When he does, he quickly embarks on relationships with the hope of finding true love. However, these relationships usually end in heartbreak after just a few weeks, leaving Mario feeling unworthy of real affection. Despite the constant cycle of failed relationships, Mario's deep desire for love and companionship remains undiminished. He is even willing to sing cheesy love songs and publicly display his affection for his partners.Mario is a passionate person who wears his heart on his sleeve. He is not afraid to show his emotions and affection, and is able to form strong bonds with others through his openness and vulnerability. However, his desire for love and companionship can sometimes make him vulnerable to manipulation and disappointment.Mario's romantic tendencies are quite different from those of his brother Luigi. Although Luigi does have a softer side, he is more focused on forming deep platonic friendships than on finding a romantic partner. However, he has even been known to develop crushes on fictional characters and occasionally in real life. When he does, Luigi is quite shy and awkward, often stuttering and struggling to communicate with the object of his affection.

They share a strong sibling bond, with Luigi always keeping Mario's secrets. Luigi sometimes protects Mario, even going against Mario's wishes to ensure his safety. Mario, being protective himself, is vigilant about Luigi's well-being, even becoming frantic if he spots a red mark on Luigi's face. Mario, despite being a teenager at the time, got in trouble for fighting in school, and this behavior didn't change much as he grew older. Mario has a strong protective instinct for his friends and becomes a different person when his loved ones are in harm's way. He is willing to risk his own body against his instincts to ensure their well-being, going so far as to ignore the pain and exhaustion. Luigi worries about losing his brother, as Mario's recklessness often puts him in dangerous situations, and he struggles to keep up with his brother's energy. Mario feels guilty seeing the scars on Luigi's body, even though Luigi tries to downplay their significance. The twins care for each other and understand they would both be lost without each other.

[That's it for now. Until I think of more]

@bberetd @peaches2217 @keylovesstuff @sykomuffinrulez @supergay-64

#mario #nintendo #super mario #smb mario #smb luigi #luigi nintendo #luigi #creamypeach writings #super mario bros #siblings #Mario & Luigi are the sweetest of brothers ❤️ 💚#Teen mario was a menace #Teen Luigi wanted to be a popular soccer player to be famous enough to make his family stop working for good #Wanted his brother and father to stop fighting over stuff #luigi is a Mama's boy #Mario was a daddy's boy #Mario has daddy issues 😞

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subsystems · 6 months ago

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Hello -

As a person with DID who has successfully fused alters/parts, do you have any information, resources, or advice for systems hoping to do the same?

My system is hoping to reach a point where we can act and function as one, but it’s been horrible trying to find resources on fusion. Nearly every article about fusion we could find places this second to functional multiplicity and seems to confuse fusion and integration. Or worse, claims that fusion is a way to kill alters!

Our therapist has been immensely helpful, but we find ourselves wanting to read more about this process or hear from others who have successfully managed a fusion. Any help would be greatly appreciated - thank you!

Hi, anon. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling to find resources on your desired recovery. I went through that struggle too, it's hard. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you out through all of this.

If you want, I've talked about my own experience with final fusion on this blog and I'm always open to talking about it more if there's anything in particular you want to hear about!

Definitely seek out other systems who have experience with partial/full fusion, too. Off the top of my head, there's @system-of-a-feather, @reimeichan, @hiiragi7, and @smokee78 (hope it's okay to tag you guys!). They haven't been active recently, but back when I was working towards final fusion, @puppydeathfarts made posts that I found really helpful. If there's anyone else who has experience with partial/full fusion, though, please leave a comment!

I also recommend checking out Rachel Downing's experience with final fusion/full integration and Jess's from Multiplicity & Me:

youtube

Their experiences helped me feel less alone when I was pursuing final fusion. There was also another person, but unfortunately they left the community due to harassment and deleted their posts. I will forever for grateful to all of them for being brave enough to share this vulnerable and personal part of their lives, they've certainly given me the strength to share my own.

As for articles, unfortunately I don't know of too many that don't stigmatize final fusion. DID-research offers a good summary of final fusion and a few interesting links to check out here.

You can find a bunch of free downloads for self-help books here. Out of all of them, I feel like Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation is a great self-help book for people who are a being supported by a therapist and interested in pursuing harmony and stronger integration within their dissociative system. I don't think it would've been possible for me to achieve final fusion or even functional multiplicity without the techniques I learned from this book. I cannot emphasize how useful it is!

Some extra things from me:

You have to work with your parts, first. You can't skip ahead to fusion. Aim to pave for understanding, acceptance, and harmony within your system. Fusion, if you want it, is the natural progression to that!

There are ways to test out fusion. Talk to your therapist about "blending" (it's also described in the coping book, but definitely mention it to your therapist). You can test out what it's like to be fused as many times as you want.

Fusion can feel weird at first. It shouldn't feel bad, but it can be strange. It took me time to get used to it. It can also feel differently depending on what stage of recovery you're in... ->

When I still had amnesia and less co-operation in my system, fusions slid under the radar and surprised the hell out of me! As I continued lowering those dissociative barriers, developing better communication and co-consciousness as a system, things become way clearer.

After you become fully fused for the first time, it's completely okay if you fall apart a few times before it really sticks! Final fusion is a process, not a destination.

You're allowed to choose whatever labels you want after final fusion. Call yourself a system or plural or say you've become a singlet or whatever you want. It's also okay to go unlabeled!

Your parts aren't gone after final fusion, but that separation is gone and it's okay if you need to mourn that. Sometimes I miss what it was like being fragmented. It's not because I want to be fragmented again, but because that was how I lived my entire life up until now, it was what was most natural to me, and it had its good and bad sides. I'm thankful for it because it was that separation which allowed me to survive! I view this similarly to how it was like to move recently. Sometimes I miss my old home, but that doesn't mean I want to go back or that I'm not happier where I am now. Things can be complicated like that!

After final fusion, you continue to learn new things about yourself and your system. It's a new journey in of itself -- a very, very wonderful one. 💚

I hope you find something helpful here. Either way, know that you are not alone on this journey. I support you whole-heartedly. Good luck with everything!

- Sunflower

#actuallydid #DIDrecovery #DID recovery #final fusion #integration #DID support #sunflower answers #personal experiences #apologies for how long it took to answer this ask

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youcouldmakealife · 10 months ago

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Books of 2023

I missed a year, but I’m back with my books of the year. This year there was a pretty big dip in reading from me (75% of my reading in 2022, and only 60% compared to 2021), partly because, well, eye recovery, but also, you know. Life.

I’m just going to do a top 10 this year — unfortunately I hit a bit of a slump in how many standouts I read as well as how much I read, but I do heartily recommend everything in that top 10. They’re in no real order, except for the first, which is a cheat in the form of a series.

The Thursday Murder Club, Richard Osman

So this is a weird thing where I rated the first 3 stars, but figured it was good enough to read the second, which got 4 stars, as did the third. Finally the fourth, which was my only 5 star novel of the year, and made me weep like a baby. So if you read the first and didn’t bother with the rest — this gets so much better as it goes.

The Trees - Percival Everett

This is actually the first book I finished in 2023, and it set a tone that the rest of the year sadly did not match. I mean, other than the tone of the book, which is razor sharp, over the top satire, which this year did, in fact, live up to. I just discovered Everett in 2022 with Telephone, which I also enjoyed, and am looking forward to going through his many works.

Time Shelter - Georgi Gospodinov

Really enjoyable literary fiction that reminds me of a lot of my favourite works to come out of Eastern Europe in the 70s and 80s.

How to Survive History: How to Outrun a Tyrannosaurus, Escape Pompeii, Get Off the Titanic, and Survive the Rest of History's Deadliest Catastrophes - Cody Cassidy

This is the kind of highly specific and irrelevant barring time travel information I need (not sarcasm).

Middlemarch - George Eliot

It took me like 5 months to read this monster and I enjoyed every minute of it. Eliot is so fucking good at characterisation. Absolute masterpiece of a book. Only thing that kept it from being 5 stars was, well, see; five months.

Doppelganger: a Trip into the Mirror World - Naomi Klein.

As surreal as it is fascinating.

Giovanni’s Room - James Baldwin

A reread. Still absolutely devastating. Still has some of the sharpest lines I’ve ever read.

Ultra-Processed People - Chris Van Tulleken

Should have changed my eating habits. Did not change my eating habits.

Strong Female Character - Fern Brady

Not much of a memoir gal, but this was an exception.

Gentle Writing Advice - Chuck Wendig

My favourite book of writing advice from a horror author. Genuinely a lot of shit that I needed to hear.

Speaking of advice, I read a whack ton of self-help adjacent books for various reasons this year, and these are a few standouts:

How to Keep House While Drowning, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity, Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong.

#taylor recs

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femmefatalevibe · 2 years ago

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What are your favorite self help books? :)

Hi love! Sharing some of my favorite self-help books below:

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz

Atomic Habits by James Clear

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen

The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest

Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole

The Confidence Formula: May Cause: Lower Self-Doubt, Higher Self-Esteem, and Comfort In Your Own Skin by Patrick King

The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson

Choose Your Story, Change Your Life: Silence Your Inner Critic and Rewrite Your Life from the Inside Out by Kindra Hall

When You’re Ready, This Is How To Heal by Brianna Wiest

Hunting Discomfort: How to Get Breakthrough Results in Life and Business No Matter What by Sterling Hawkins

The Four Pivots: Reimagining Justice, Reimagining Ourselves by Shawn Ginwright

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Unbound: A Woman’s Guide To Power by Kasia Urbaniak

Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer

Becoming The One by Sheleana Aiyana

Attached by Amir Levine

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns

Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie

Take Your Lunch Break by Massoma Alam Chohan

Stop Overthinking by Nick Trenton

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Designing the Mind: The Principles of Psychitecture by Ryan A. Bush

Radical Acceptance: Awakening The Love That Heals Fear and Shame by Tara Brach

Recovery from Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency & Complex PTSD by Don Barlow

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Inner Child Recovery Work with Radical Self-Compassion by Don Barlow

What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey

Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Hope this helps xx

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co-mixed · 4 months ago

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Daredevil by Chip Zdarsky Pt.1

It's not easy to sum up a run like this. Nah, it's actually pretty impossible. It's a long road with so much going on with so many faces, you have to record every single one of your thoughts. So I’m gonna go character by character, taking every arc and dissecting it.

I have, in fact done it a while ago, right after I finished the run, but it took me some time to post it. And I wanted to make it feel more like a review but that didn't quite work out, so here it is, my essay or analysis of some of the character arcs in this run. Spoilers ahead too!

Zdarsky’s run finds Matt right after the short rehab series. And I have to talk about that a little: the truck that kicked Daredevil out of the game, poetically replaying his childhood accident, left him dealing with all the old injuries. In DD’s line of work, those tend to pile up. So the few issues were a short detour into Matt’s identity crisis as he was about to give up and had to seek help from his fellow Defenders. It was a very recovery-focused story with flashbacks and the fears that haunted him. For a man without fear, he sure has plenty of nightmare scenarios so questioning and reevaluating this status is a constant process for him. This idea circles philosophy but to me, it just reminds again and again of how much Matt Murdock depends on the way people see him.

When Zdarsky’s run starts, Matt is already going out at night and throwing his clubs around. But he’s not exactly living his previous life anymore. Here, the status quo is fully restored after Waid’s detour and the brooding hero on the roofs in the rain is back. Well, almost back. He can’t fully heal his body or his mind so he ends up accidentally killing a man. And then Zdarsky finally pushes Daredevil into the trap that's been sprung for him ever since he killed Bullseye. At the time, I was a bit disappointed that Waid allowed Matt to walk away into a new life, never having to deal with emotional repercussions. It felt to me like he was repressing that event so hard, his entire personality had changed. While the run was good, it felt like a bizarrely loud cry for help. I felt like that was not Matt, at least not the ever-guilty martyr we all know.

But now, here, he gets a chance to live through this hell. The beautiful part, in terms of narrative, is that Daredevil right away becomes erratic and paranoid: he goes digging through his enemy list, convinced that someone had set him up. And he fools you easily. Despite him being off his game I truly thought there was a Fisk handprint or just The Hand behind it. But you know what? No. It was just an accident. Probably caused by Matt's lack of trust in Daredevil or his not being at 100%.

DD gets so bad, he actually ends up getting a talking to from none other than Spider-Man. Aside from the usual suspects that is. Which, think about it, all heroes have gone through trauma at one point. But compared to a spiraling Daredevil they still seem very together. Granted it's his book so the main drama has to come from him.

There’s a moment when he’s in a room with Jessica, Luke, and Danny, and he calls them all murderers, quickly correcting the ‘you’ to ‘we’. It’s like a new light in which he sees the whole superhero game: like he thought they were truly above the law because they made no mistakes. So yeah, after all these years he saw for the first time how flawed each one of them truly is.

What he refuses to see is that they are all working through that, not dividing the world into the good and bad. Meanwhile, Matt has Daredevil on a pedestal as someone who must never allow the line to become blurry.

Matt's disturbing as hell. And yeah, have to admit I like him more when everything is awful, simply because he always knows how to make things worse.

For a brief time, Matt hides the costume in his closet and works as a parole officer. But it turns out he is actually terrible at compartmentalizing and he's even worse at self-inflicted penance.

I believe the culmination of his incompetence in life is an affair with a married woman. Married to a mob boss’s son. It's truly classic Matt Murdock at this point - got no one to cheat on, well, at least she does. He is Exupery’s drunkard and he's brilliant at that. He wakes up next to Mindy thinking about the terrible sin he’s committing. Gotta give her credit though, she gave him a piece of hell for making it about himself.

And then his circle of violence as he calls it (courtesy of late Vanessa Fisk), pulls him back in again.

He has doubts and fears about putting on the costume again and we'll, it's hard to blame him. But he still lives in Fisk’s city and the city is getting worse every day.

When Matt came face to face with The Purple Man, he said that the thing he fears the most is hearing all the tragedy and doing nothing. Zdarsky just puts him in this reality and Matt's got no other choice than to put on the mask. Before he fully embraces it, he trains with Elektra. Did he break up with Mindy? No, of course not. He just ghosted her until she needed help. The good ol' Matt.

But with Elektra, this time it's different (not really - she has her own plan as she always does.) I have to admit, the more they get together the more I realize one thing - Matt really can't break up with women. They have to die, otherwise he’ll be hung up on them for years. Elektra is the love of his life no less than Karen was. She just came back from the dead, unlike Karen, and I’m pretty sure deep inside Matt thinks it's for him. Plus, she knows his identity which makes it so much easier. And she's deadly which makes her so less killable.

But most importantly Matt’s obsessed with Elektra because she's from his past and he’s notoriously bad at moving on from his past (see Exupery's drunkard again). Here’s why I kind of root for them: I do like the adversary/lover connection they have and they exist in the same world. Can they make it work? I doubt it.

Before I get too deep into more of Matt's disastrous relationships (and believe me you, there is more) I should refocus on the arc.

We got Matt running from the law while making adjustments so he could represent that same law. And he has an interesting new addition to the cast in the form of detective Cole North. I’m gonna talk about him later since he's one of the narrators in the run. But North is hell-bent on holding vigilantes accountable and Daredevil is his idée fixe just as he is for Fisk.

Daredevil manages to sway North by saving his life as corrupted cops attempt to kill him and that leads to three interesting events.

One - his parolee learns that he is Daredevil. And his parolee is none other than the brother of the man he accidentally killed.

Two - North starts seeing him as a protector rather than a criminal. But he still wants to hold him accountable.

Three - it sets the tone for the rest of the run, showing the cracks and imperfections of the US criminal justice system.

Either way, that day Matt goes free. And when he puts on a costume again, he is convinced that now he's gonna act smart (because Elektra told him to gather information before leaping into action, duh. All that education and you couldn't figure it out on your own…) It's also a different costume and Matt even convinces everyone who’d listen and a couple people who won't, that he is now a new and improved hero who is not Daredevil at all. Yes, he actually believes it and I think it's still his desire to wash his hands off of everything connected to the accident. He thinks he sees things clearly now but it feels like he's never been more blind. Yet somehow, he will be.

This repetitiveness becomes very noticeable when you read through run after run. It’s a very clear pattern that Matt goes through: every time something changes he makes the decision. This time… this time… this time… and it always comes back to the same conclusion.

He immediately gets duped by Elektra into stealing money from the bad guys, of which she pocketed some. And then the bad guys rain Inferno upon Hell’s Kitchen.

That's a fun little event during which another one of Matt's exes, Typhoid Mary, reappears: prior to that she's been therapied into a nice nun who's been helping Matt whenever he ended up in church. The first time I saw her I thought “Oh no, he's not gonna sleep with a nun…” but then, he already had. Uhm, anyway, the nice uplifting moment was the people of the neighborhood dressing up as Daredevil, turning him into a symbol. They'd been doing it for a while and some had been moderately successful too. But when the battle was won, one of them died in Matt's arms, so he turned himself in as Daredevil.

Now that's the thing, that's where the main idea of this run starts really growing. And not because Daredevil goes to prison or refuses to fight for his freedom, but because of what's awaiting him there. It's not the superpowered villains, it's all the people he’s been sending there for years. It's such a simple thing - to take these “street level” bad guys, put them face to face with Daredevil, and tell their stories.

Daredevil in jail is a stupid idea. Smart from the narrative point of view yet stupid for him as a person on many levels. First of all, he is doing it out of misguided loyalty to the law. He's still a lawyer after all. He's also religious but he kind of sorted that out for himself already. He says he wants to show everyone how even superheroes have to be held accountable if they step out of line.

He wants to feel good about himself and again, a part of me thinks he wants to feel like he's better than the others: he loves that moral high ground, and whenever it shakes underneath his feet, everything around him falls apart. Mostly because he destroys it, but he doesn't focus on that.

Cole, Kirsten (yeah, she's back too), and Foggy, they all tell him he's wrong. And they are absolutely correct too. He wants to be an example, sure, but he really needs people to see him the way they did before. It's not about his guilt, he's been forgiven in fact.

The one big regret I have is that this run and this prison time didn't give him more therapy. Because the therapist calling him out on his usual BS was incredible. And she, along with another inmate reminded him that he's fooling himself and trying to fool others. All that makes more sense considering he still hides his identity, so whenever he chooses to leave, his crime and his time won't affect anything. None of that will ruin his life.

The way the story leads to this social or rather political issue, it's very organic. It's something he’s been dealing with for years as both his personas: the revolving door between a police station and the streets, the poverty and desire for a better life that lead to crime, the mean streets. He's the perfect hero for this story and his flaws are most vivid here. He had both put people in jail and kept them out of it, he'd been a mayor, and he’d been accused and stood trial. But all of that he had been doing from his high horse.

The truth in that story is grim and realistic - prison isn't helping reform anyone and only serves billionaires in their quest for more wealth.

As Daredevil discovers that and makes a deal with the FBI, he gets released. And once again, he wants to go for that one big win. He always falls into that same trap, he always attempts to stand alone or with friends and win everything, save everyone at once. He’ll keep trying to, all the way to The Fist saga.

But to get there, he needs to step over one considerable obstacle.

Wilson Fisk

Like I said, Daredevil and the rest live in Fisk’s city. He is still the mayor and he is going after all vigilantes and I mean all, including the Avengers. But that’s just a part of it. Fisk has an interesting story as he decides to move from the underworld politics to the real thing. He makes a decision, he retires the title of Kingpin of crime, but he forgets the one crucial part – he can’t retire his persona. He will go on to the next level with his hands still soaked in blood. And that’s something he shares with Matt: where Matt needs to be absolved, all Fisk needs is to just turn around and pretend he’s done nothing wrong.

The ironic detail is, he’s so used to doing his dirty work himself, he finds it impossible to fit in with polished high-class criminals. Politics seems like a natural next step for him but somehow the shadow games turn out to be more than he can chew. Thus the Big Bads of this run are Stromwyns - the richest people in New York. They pull the strings and even Fisk struggles with that idea.

In all this, he has a few defining moments:

He wages war on superheroes, including mutants, which leads to X-Men Devil’s Reign

He goes to fight on the ground during Inferno (which was organized as you might have guessed or known already, by the Stromyns).

He kills Mike Murdock thinking he’s Matt Murdock.

Oh, right I forgot to mention that Mike’s back. And he is seemingly real now, has his own arc, although still can’t escape the title of a spare Matt Murdock.

Anyway, back to Fisk. Of course, when the time comes for reelection, Fisk wants not just to run but to guarantee his victory, which is not surprising at all. I mean take a criminal who gets a fraction of power, would they ever let go of it? In this regard, Fisk is your classic villain. And just like every other villain, he decides to cheat and use The Purple Man’s power to sway the voters. All of that leads to his ruin and retirement.

But not before he marries Typhoid Mary. Can’t call the ceremony lovely really because they both creep me out and I’d like them or at least Fisk to pay for his crimes. It’s not just the fact that he never does or it never sticks, it’s that later he’s received diplomatic immunity from Krakoa, and sure, he helped them during Fall of X and the drama with Orchis. But it’s still the same damn Kingpin. That hasn’t changed and he will return to make everybody’s life hell again.

Why? He’s absolutely evil and we see that in a panel during Devil’s Reign. There’s no non-evil or non self-serving for him.

Yeah, Fisk and Mary rowed off into the sunset but not before Fisk killed Mike. And really, that’s another opportunity missed by Matt. Could’ve played around scaring him in both his personas instead of going after him right away and revealing his existence. But I get it, he had other engagements including his actual engagement to a woman we all know all too well.

I ran out of the images limit, so there is a Part Two.

#marvel #marvel comics #comics #comic books #long reads #comics reviews #marvel universe #daredevil #matt murdock #wilson fisk #kingpin #typhoid mary

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