#SOMETHING THAT WON'T BE LONGER THAN MY LIFE
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mofongomuncher · 21 hours ago
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𝘾𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚
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(Ekko X Reader)
❥ cast : ! Ekko and reader ¡
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Ekko leaned against one of the worn pillars, his arms loosely crossed over his chest. The soft hum of adults talking filled the space, punctuated by bursts of laughter from the kids playing in the main area of the base.
His gaze was locked on you.
You were crouched on the floor, one of the smaller Firelights perched on your knee as you adjusted the strap of their little homemade goggles. Another kid tugged at your arm, showing you a toy glider they'd crafted from scraps, while two more were busy trying to drag you into their game of tag.
"You're really trying to take me down huh?" you teased, laughing as one of them clung to your leg. "What is this, an ambush?"
"It's working!" one of the kids shouted, their voice high with excitement.
Ekko couldn't help but smirk. He'd seen you handle yourself in some of the most dangerous situations Zaun had to offer—but here you were, letting a bunch of kids "capture" you like it was the highlight of your day. You weren't just pretending to enjoy it, he could tell by the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed, the way your voice softened when you spoke to them.
He leaned further into the shadows, content to watch for a while longer.
One of the kids pointed at him. "Hey Ekko! Why're you just standing there?"
Your eyes flicked up to meet his, a playful glint in them. "Yeah big guy...What are you doing? Afraid you'll lose if you join in?"
He pushed off the pillar, his smirk deepening. "Nah, I'm just enjoying the show."
You raised an eyebrow, your grin widening. "Oh, really? You're that entertained watching me lose to a bunch of kids?"
"Looks like you've got it handled." he said, his tone light but teasing. "Why mess with perfection?"
"Perfection?" you repeated, rolling your eyes as you stood up, one of the kids still clinging to your arm. "You've got jokes now, huh?"
"Always." he said, stepping closer.
"But seriously... you're good with them."
His voice had softened just enough to make you pause. You tilted your head at him, a small, knowing smile playing on your lips. "They make it easy."
"Not everyone would think that.." he said, glancing at the kids now chasing each other around the room. "You've got a way with them."
You shrugged, brushing off the compliment as you crouched back down to tie a loose shoelace for one of the kids. "They just need someone to pay attention, that's all."
He watched you, his expression unreadable for a moment. "You make it look like more than that."
Before you could respond, one of the kids tugged at your sleeve. "Y/N, come play!"
You laughed, standing up again. "Alright, alright!"
A smile tugged at your lips as you turned your gaze to Ekko. "Are you coming, or are you just gonna stand there looking cool?"
He rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth quirking up. "Someone's gotta supervise. You look like you're about to trip over yourself."
"Right." you said, grinning as you backed into the chaos of the kids. "Supervise all you want Mr. But don't think I won't call you in when I need backup."
Ekko chuckled, shaking his head as he leaned back against the pillar. "I'll be here."
But his gaze never left you. Watching you laugh, watching the way the kids gravitated to you, he felt something shift in his chest. For all the weight he carried as the Firelights' leader, moments like this made him feel like maybe, just maybe, there was more to life than surviving.
He couldn't help but think that you were the best part of this little family they'd built together.
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Check out my Ekko one shots on Wattpad for more stories!! :3
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wlfchnlv3r · 2 days ago
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Hello! I would love a hyunjin vampire story 😏 him being really dominant and threatening readers life but ends up being obsessed by her. Lots of biting and blood drinking would be great! 💕
Crave
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vampire! Hyunjin x fem reader
Synopsis: in a word dominated by vampires, you are just a “little human” in the immortal life of Hyunjin
Word count:
Warnings: smut, kidnapping, blood, biting, foreplay, 🔞🔞, mdni.
Note: i liked writing about supernatural!stray kids so… get ready for more
3045
The world you live in is different from the one of your ancestors, the power is in the hand of vampires, and humans are not longer predators but prey.
With that, being kidnapped by a vampire was not in your 3045 bingo card, but there you are, the place is very dark, you can only see very little due to the few candles that give off some light.
• • •
You try hard not to cry, sitting on the floor of the room where you were carried.
You hear footsteps coming down the stairs and a few moments later the man from before, the one who kidnapped you, came into the room.
He looks at you for a few seconds and his gaze was rather cold.
Your eyes are now full of tears as you look up at him, is he here to kill you? Your mind is now racing with a million different scenarios.
The man slowly approaches you and kneel down, taking your chin and making you look up at him, "are you going to cry the whole time?”
“W-who are you?” you ask trembling.
"Don't ask questions" he says coldly and let go of your chin, standing up straight again.
He watched you for another moment before finally speaking again, "How old are you?".
“Y/age” you respond hoping that your young age let pity flow in him.
He raised an eyebrow, he didn't expect you to be so young, "That's a lot younger than I expected".
“What are you? Where am I- and…and please let me go…” you pray him pathetically.
"Did you even listen to me? I said no questions” he says coldly and approaches you before sitting on the chair, "And you won't be going home, not anytime soon".
Yes, that was your first memory of your kidnapper��a 300 years old vampire named Hyunjin, and yes, months have passed and you are still in his big mansion, like a prisoner.
Although you got used to him and his cold and scary behaviour, you feel like in captivity and especially you feel bored.
In the other hand, he was surprised that you got over your fear of him quickly and he even began to enjoy that you were always around him, and he would never admit that you somehow have a special place in his cold, stony heart.
• • •
One evening, you knock at his door, like usual.
Hyunjin looks up from his painting, put his brush down and crosses his arms "You can come in already, I know it's you".
“Such an ass”, you thought, and slowly enter the room, it was spacious, always tidy and with a king sized bed in the centre.
He was still sit with his chair now turned it around a little to be able to see you while he speaks "Did you want something or is it just because you're bored as always?".
You frown a little, “such an ass”, you thought for the second time in what? 5 minutes?, “yes…I’m a little bored” you admit.
Hyunjin chuckles quietly and let out a sigh, "I should have expected it, you're like a little puppy that's always seeking attention, aren't you?".
“I’m not a dog, Hyunjin.” You tell him for the millions time.
"But sometimes you act like one, constantly seeking my attention and always sticking to me." he leaned back on his chair and looked at you slightly from the side.
You decide to ignore him and take a look at his painting, a young girl with similar features to yours, but you immediately say to yourself that’s impossible.
The vampire watches you look at the painting, his eyes narrowing slightly, "What are you staring at that for? You like it or what?".
You nod, lost in the painting, “yes…just- who is she?”
Hyunjin looks at the painting for another moment himself, looking at the young girl, then he looks back at you, "It's- just some random girl I once saw in a dream..." he says, trying to hide the fact that the girl was you, but maybe he's not time for this conversation.
You look one last time at the girl, and take a step back walking to the king sized bed, “he changed the bedsheets” you thought to yourself, noticing the drastically change of color, not his usual dark shade of red but a candid white.
He watches you again as you approach the bed, “Planning on sitting in my bed? I don't remember I said you're allowed to do that"
“Such an ass” pt3, but you just pout, “can I?”
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow at your expression and he thought to himself 'adorable' but of course he wouldn't say that "Why should I let you sit on my bed, give me a good reason".
You look at him with confusion, “…I’m fresh of shower, not a dirty dog on the trash” you calmly explain.
He hums slightly and look you up and down for a few moments, noticing how you were wearing a crop-top and very short shorts, "Hm... okay you're clean and not a dirty dog...you can sit down"
You take place in the centre of the bed, making yourself comfortable.
Hyunjin has a perfect view on you from here, your legs slightly parted, "So..do you always wear such tiny and revealing clothes when you've just come out of the shower? I mean..it leaves almost nothing to the imagination..”
You look at him with a neutral expression “mh..? I though you find me horrible or something like that, so- there is no problem…”.
He crosses his arms over his chest and raise an eyebrow, your question confused him a little, "What makes you think that I find you horrible? I never said that".
“But you act like that… all the time” you are about to mention every single time he acted in a bad way with you but he just rolls his eyes, “Just because I don't show my emotions and feelings in a way that you humans do doesn't mean I think you look awful".
Hyunjin gets up from his chair and slowly approaches the bed, “I can even find you quite attractive at times..but you don't need to know that, it would just boost your ego even more..”.
“Oh now we are talking about ego? Yours is as big as this mansion”.
He now stands right in front of the bed, looking down on you and putting one of his hands on the sheets, right next to your thighs, "Well my ego is probably as big as this mansion, but I have every right to have a big ego, I'm a powerful and dangerous being after all..”
You lean down on the bed, your head resting on his pillow, “yeah, whatever”
Hyunjin watches your movements with a slight smirk, noticing how you lean back onto the bed, causing your shirt to slightly rise up, exposing even more of your skin.
He continues to look down at you, seeing you in this position under him made his thoughts go a little darker than usual.
Hyunjin has to use all of his self-control not to just lay down on top of you and bury his face in the crook of your neck to inhale your scent.
Your legs are still slightly parted like your lips, he’s never been this close to you and that frustrates you.
He take a step closer now, standing directly between your legs, he slowly ran his fingers across the soft skin of your upper thigh, the smirk on his face slowly becoming wider
he leans a little closer, his hand now on your hip, gently gripping it, “You're fully aware of the effect you have on me, aren't you? Especially when you're in such… compromising positions.."
You look at him with nonchalant in the eyes and notice the bloody colour of his pupils, “your eyes…are red”.
Hyunjin isn’t really surprises that you noticed his eyes changing color, but he didn't even bother to hide it, instead he continues to look into your eyes, "And what about it? Does it make me look scary?".
“I…think they are beautiful, Hyunjin” you just say sincerely.
He is a little surprised by your answer, he didn't expect you to think his eyes are beautiful, but he quickly smirked again, "Is that so? You like the color of my eyes, huh?“.
You nod and his hand slowly moved from your hip to your waist, then slowly moved further up, his fingers gently tracing over your soft skin, "You're so soft and small, your skin feels like velvet" he praises.
Hyunjin kneel down in front of you, his face now directly at the same level as your bare thighs, he continues to gently caress your skin with his fingers as he spoke, “Are you even aware of how much you affect me, you sweet little thing? You have no idea what I'm thinking about when I'm alone with you like this...".
Seeing him between your legs make you lost your control and also your mind.
He chuckles quietly as he looks up at you, noticing how your breath got heavier "Just from kneeling between your legs I can already tell how fast your heart is pounding, you're so easy to read, my little human" he leaned even closer, his face now dangerously close to your exposed thighs, he was so tempted to just bury his face in them and inhale your sweet scent, "You're practically giving me free access..would you let me do something if I asked you right now? I bet you would..".
“What..?” You try to play the innocent card but he smirked again and moves even closer, his eyes still locked with yours "Oh don't play coy with me..I think you know exactly what I'm implying right now".
You stay silent for a moment, your mind racing so fast, “y-yeah…I would let you do it.” you say with a whisper.
Hyunjin looks down, his eyes slowly moving from your face to your thighs, looking at the exposed skin, he wanted to do so many things to you now, but he holds back, trying to gain control over his thoughts and feelings.
He looks back up at you, his eyes now darker and a little lustful, "Do you know how pretty you look like this? Looking up at me, all small and fragile… delicious" he slowly runs his hand up your thigh, stopping right above where it meets your hips and squeezing the skin gently, "I could have such a good time with you right now, but you know what I'm especially tempted to do to you at the moment?..".
You shake your head but in your mind you know at least a hundred ways he can fuck you till you are crying.
Hyunjin looks into your eyes, his hand moving between your thighs, his fingers gently caressing the wet spot between your legs, "I really want to taste you" he says in a low, quiet voice.
You respond immediately without hesitation “do it…”.
He raises an eyebrow, slightly surprised by how quickly you gave in, but he wasn't mad at it, "Oh you're so eager, my little thing”
he moves between your legs, his face now only inches away from your covered pussy.
Hyunjin gently grabbed your thighs with both hands, pulling you closer to the edge of the bed, his face now right in front of the source of your scent, "Let me have a taste, sweet thing".
He smirked and slowly presses a kiss on your inner thigh, his lips brushing against your skin while he continues to look up at you, “So soft and smooth..".
Meanwhile you choke a moan, feeling his soft lips on you is too much.
Hyunjin looks up directly into your eyes, noticing how you looked at his fangs, "You like how they feel, don't you? You like having my fangs pressed against your skin? Do you like the feeling they could pierce your skin at any moment? …” he teases.
You are already shaking with anticipation and not able to pronounce a word, just a nod.
While a wide smirk is still on his face, he leans closer, “Good girl..I knew you would like it".
He slowly starts to kiss your inner thigh again, this time a little closer to where you want him to be most, his lips and fangs still gently caressing your skin, leaving little marks and hickeys.
You gasp loudly as he slowly rip your shorts, exposing your cunt to him.
Hyunjin looks up at you again, an amused smirk on his face as he pulls on the now torn fabric "Oh, I ruined your clothes, I forgot I can get a little impatient sometimes..I hope you don't mind".
You swallow, your heartbeat is going crazy.
He chuckles at your reaction, noticing how you swallowed, "There's no need to be nervous, I'll make sure you feel good, I promise" he slowly moves again, his face even closer now, looking up at you while his hands gripped your thighs tighter, his tongue start to lick your folds, focusing on your clit.
He hasn’t started yet but you already know that this will be the best foreplay of your life.
Hyunjin slowly licks his lips, your taste on them as he looks up at you again, the smirk still on his face, "Mhm- you taste so good, you know that?..I feel like I could eat you whole".
You choke a moan, nobody ever made you feel like this.
He smirks as he hears you gasp and moan, "You're making such sweet little noises..you have no idea how it makes my want to make you scream for me, make you moan my name and hear your sweet voice beg for more...".
Hyunjin starts to literally devour your pussy, worshipping every part of it, from your now swollen clit to your little hole and as you feel his tongue slipping inside of your hole, you arch your back and moan loudly.
He licks his lips again, your taste sending shivers down his spine, "i could get addicted to how good you taste, you're too tempting..".
Your brain was screaming one damn thing: “too much”, but your body wants more.
Hyunjin continues to use his tongue on you as you moan and whine at his touch, his hands holding your thighs in a tight grip and his nails gently digging into your skin, leaving behind small, red marks as he slowly loses himself in the taste of you, "I told you I could get addicted to how good you taste..I could spent hours down here, just like this, you're so perfect, so sweet and mine...all mine”.
As he nip at her inner thigh a little a few drops of blood paint your thigh, he continues to hold eye contact with you as he slowly licks the blood off you, his tongue gently tracing over the now slightly stinging patch of skin.
You instantly notice his eyes becoming of a deeper shade of red.
Hyunjin sees how you are looking at his eyes, after he finally got a taste of your blood, “It's your blood, the blood of the sweetest, most delightful human I've ever tasted... it just makes me want more".
You can’t think, all you want is his mouth on you, in every way possible, “bite me…”.
His eyes suddenly widen and he raises an eyebrow, "You want me to bite you, sweet thing? You want me to let go and pierce your beautiful skin with my fangs and drink some of your blood? Are you really sure about this?".
You can’t help but nod, as he starts to lick your inner thigh, he is still looking into your eyes, still a little surprised by how much you trust him not to go overboard and lose control of himself.
With a quick motion he gently holds your hips in place, "If it hurts too much or you don't feel good, tell me to stop, alright? Promise you'll do that."
“Yes… promise” you say starting to caress his hair, he never allowed you to get so close to him, even less passing your hand through his hair.
Hyunjin smiles slightly again, satisfied that you agree and don’t try to change your mind, he take one last glance at you before slowly moving his fangs to your skin and gently biting down; he pierces your skin, being careful to still being gentle enough to not hurt you too much.
You gasp a little, immediately feeling a warm, wet sensation from the blood.
He slowly starts to drink it, still keeping eye contact with you while the red liquid continues to flow out of the wound he has just made.
You tangle your fingers in his hair, slightly pulling them.
Hyunjin doesn't break eye contact either, his eyes locked with yours the entire time, the feeling of your blood on his tongue sending a rush of both arousal and pleasure through his body as he continues to drink the blood from the two small wounds in your skin, his hands still holding onto your hips, trying to control himself by holding onto you, not letting himself get lost in the sweet taste too much.
he slowly pulls away to look up at you, his eyes dark and his mouth still stained with your blood, he takes a moment to collect himself and wipe the blood off his mouth;
the taste of your blood is still present in his mouth, sending his senses into overdrive,
"You taste incredible, my sweet thing... I could spend hours just drinking your blood- it's so sweet and addictive, how do you taste this good?"
You don’t know what to say, you are speechless, lost on his beauty and in the desire to just kiss him.
He smirks before returning to lick your sensitive sensitive skin, your blood still on his tongue, but he didn't mind, he actually quite liked how his tongue was skilled and gentle, and he clearly knew exactly how to make you feel good, his lips and tongue moving with expert precision over your swollen clit.
Your moans filled the roam quickly and as his tongue moves with a little more speed and pressure your legs starts to shake before you come in his mouth.
Hyunjin smiles slightly when he felt your body shake and felt you come undone against his tongue, it was an incredible feeling to know that he was the one making you feel this good, he pulls away and wiped his mouth again before looking up at you, he loved seeing how good he made you feel and how much you enjoyed it.
You are probably a mess, trying to recover from your orgasm.
He looks down at you again, the sight of your skin still bleeding softly and the traces of your release on his tongue, staining his chin was an incredible view, one that only he gets to see, “Look at you, you're such a mess because of me, aren't you? All messy and bloody..all because of the way I touched you.. isn't that right, my sweet thing? Only I get to see you like this”.
You blush and look down between your legs “god- I messed up your sheets- I’m sorry…”
Hyunjin laugh at your concern for the sheets, finding it humorous that your mind was even thinking about something like that,
"Don't worry about the sheets, little one. I've seen them in a worse state than this, this is nothing compared to some of the other things that happened in here.. and besides, I wouldn't mind much anyway, especially if it's because of you”.
Your cheeks are even redder now, the way he laughs and the way he looks right now make you a little bolder than usuale, moving closer to him, caressing his cheek and placing a soft kiss on his lips.
He is surprised at first when you suddenly kiss him but he quickly reciprocates the kiss, pulling you closer to him and wrapping his arms around your body, gently grabbing your hips, he can still taste your blood on his tongue, and he gently pushes his tongue into your mouth, letting you taste yourself on him while kissing you before wispering, “you taste like mine”.
Taglist: @felixleftchickennugget @kiwininja35 @sweetpickledjins @slmnheart @elqivxstxr @catffeinexo-xx @multistancheck @justwonder113 @mylittleponeypinkrosieposie @hello-stranger24 @raptorbait529 @cocofia143 @minniesverse @eastjonowhere @sushiinmidnight @eastjonowhere
(Comment to be added to the master list🎐)
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mental69er · 2 days ago
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Yandere Victoria with kidnapped reader
content: yandere victoria neuman, fem reader, kidnapping, head popping, possessive and obsessive behavior, multi part series, might not be sfw, part one of ??
"Hey, how are you holding up?" Victoria asked as she sat down next to you on the couch, glass of bourbon in her hand. The apartment was sparse, consisting of plain white walls, a bathroom, bedroom and joint living room and kitchen, all barely decorated but containing the necessities. It would be your future for however long it was deemed.
A sour truth, and one you needed help swallowing down.
"Honestly," you said, gratefully taking the cup from her and holding it between slightly trembling hands. "Not the best."
It had only been a short 24 hours ago that you had witnessed the head of one of your coworkers being exploded right in front of you. You could still remember the blood and viscera splattering all over you as your mouth gaped open in silent shock.
You swore you could still feel the stick of it, the impact of the thud of the chunks flying onto you. You felt sick to your stomach recalling it, recalling his last cry.
You gulped down the beverage in one sip, wincing at it's burn. It helped with the memories, a bit.
"Hey, easy on that," she chided you softly, dark eyes searching your face as she took the glass back. "I don't want you overdoing it."
"It...why did it have to be him. He was my friend," you murmured, squeezing your eyes shut and missing out on seeing the dark look that passed through her eyes.
"Maybe the supe thought that he was more than that to you. Maybe he thought your friend was more than a simple friend and he wanted to hurt you that way."
"He was my friend and nothing else. He shouldn't have had that happen to him just because. If I had known, I never would have been friends with him." You plopped your hands into your face, rubbing your brows.
Victoria's hand was warm on your back.
"It's going to be alright. None of this is your fault."
"It is. Some wacko has been stalking me for months and now someone is dead because of me." A sob sat thick in your throat, but your eyes were dry. You had cried everything out.
"I'd rather you be safe. Who knows if you were their next target."
"But what did I do to deserve this?" you mumbled, feeling confused and lost. Victoria sat closer to you, pressing her side into yours.
"I won't stop until I find them," she swore, fire in her voice. "Until then, you can stay in my personal safe house. No one but me knows you're here."
You pulled your head out of your hands to smile at her, something warm and tender and tentative. "Thank you. You don't have to do this for me Vic. Seriously. I'm just an underling for you at work."
"Nonsense," she dismissed. "Our whole job is regulating supes and what kind of a boss would I be if I let another one of my employees get hurt?"
"Right." You nodded your head, linking your arms around her to hug her. "Thank you though."
She sunk into the hug, face melting into one of intense need as she felt your body against hers. Warm, soft, and scented of lilacs. How she dreamed of how you'd feel in her arms at night. Her hand crept up your back, feeling the knobs of your spine through your thin shirt.
You were delicate, you needed protection. How could she not want to keep you safe? Locked up and away from anyone else? Especially that 'friend' of yours. He had wanted more from you and for that reason he had been the perfect catalyst to ensuring you thought your life was in danger.
With you locked up under her lock and key, she had all the time in the world to worm her way into your heart. To make you love her unconditionally.
She bit her lower lip in anticipation of how it would taste to finally kiss you. She'd no longer have to sneak away half finished cups from your desk in an attempt to taste your lingering chapstick on it. She would no longer have to track down your every movement out of the office to make sure you weren't kissing anyone else. Not when you were all hers.
"No need to thank me," she murmured, inhaling your scent as subtly as she could, trying to memorize it for the road back when she could roll up the privacy divider in her car and fuck herself in the back seat thinking about you. "I just want to take care of you."
"I don't know how to repay you for this," you told her, leaning back. "Maybe once this is all over, I can."
It would never be over because by the time she finished you would never dream of leaving her.
She smiled at you, a practiced fake smile before she delivered bad news. "We'll think about it then. For now, let me know if you need me to bring you anything that will help comfort you. Favorite foods, drinks." She already knew everything you favored, but she couldn't quite say that.
"Maybe something to read? Or play? To keep my mind off of things." You shrugged. "Seriously though. I know you're busy. You don't have to bother with checking in on me."
She cupped your chin, placing a finger on it, teasingly grazing your bottom lip. "I'm taking this personally. Don't worry your pretty little head over me. Worry about yourself."
She smiled again, resisting the urge to kiss your pretty pink lips that were right there. How had she ever lasted this long not kissing them? It seemed like insanity that they weren't pressed against her mouth or wrapped around her clit.
There would be time later. She'd make sure of it.
"I'll bring some board games and we can play something," she assured, dragging her eyes from your mouth. "Sound good?"
"Yes."
Her mind filtered through the dirtiest board games she could find. Strip poker came to mind. But perhaps too on the nose, too out of character for the charade Victoria was maintaining.
"Until then," she promised, excited to have her own princess in the castle. She needed to retreat to think about how best she could play with you now.
To be continued...
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rieamena · 5 hours ago
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crystal teardrop
i. takuma
fantasy!au-ish ,, kind of??? idk dont quote me on anything
word count: 1.4k
riea's comments: slowly but surely coming out of my hiatus... idk what's with me and writing angst recently... especially since i love takuma so much
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the moonlight spilled through your bedroom window like liquid silver, bathing the room in a soft glow. it was here, in the quiet sanctuary of your chambers, that he had stolen countless moments with you. moments that no one else could ever know. he had always been someone whose eyes burned passionately, but tonight, that light in his eyes was clouded with turmoil as he stood before you
"how long have you known?" his voice trembled, low and raw with the weight of emotions he could no longer hide
your lips parted, but no words came. his gaze bore into yours, searching for answers, demanding the truth
"princess," he whispered, stepping closer, the warmth of his presence a stark contrast to the chill that had settled in your chest. his hand found your wrist, grounding you as his thumb brushed over your skin. "please, tell me how long it's been."
your mind raced, pulling you back to the nights spent in his arms, the stolen kisses behind the royal gardens, the laughter you shared as he snuck you out of the palace to explore the city incognito. the memory of his lips on your temple, murmuring, "you're more than a princess to me. you're everything."
"three weeks," you finally admitted, your voice barely above a whisper
the devastation in his eyes was immediate. "three—when do you meet him again?"
"tomorrow," you replied, heart hammering
"and the ceremony?"
"next week."
his jaw tightened, and he turned away, running a hand through his tousled hair. the sight of him—so vulnerable, so human—made your heart ache
"run away with me," he said suddenly, spinning back to face you
"what—? you know i—"
"you can't," he interrupted, his voice sharper now. "because of your parents, your family, the kingdom. whose life are you really living? is it impossible to live for yourself? doesn't being happy matter at all?"
"not when you're a royal," you countered, the words tasting bitter even as you spoke them
his hands cupped your face, his touch gentle yet urgent. "you're more than a crown. you're a person—a person i love. i don't care about titles or kingdoms. i care about you."
you reached for something—anything— to hold. the silk of your dress felt coarse and unpleasant between your fingers. you remember how his face beamed as he snuck into your bedroom, bag in hand. how he watched your eyes light up when giving you the present he diligently saved up for. how you scurried away to your bathroom to slip it on, deliberately leaving the zipper down so he could zip it up for you. how he did exactly that, kissing your cheek once he was done. and how he carried you to your bed with a flushed face, your giggles bouncing off the room as he continued to compliment you
"takuma, you know i didn't ask for this!" you snapped, dragging yourself back to the present. "i never wanted this!"
"then why won't you act like it? you won't even fight for us, for me."
"it's more complicated than that! what will people think of us? what will my family think of us?"
"for god's sake," his voice raised, "i love you."
you felt time stop for a bit. it was the first time you heard those three words slip from his lips. you'd be lying if you said you didn't want to hear them, you just wish it could've been under better circumstances
"you—you've plagued my mind and my heart, princess. do you not understand? i feel graced by the gods that everyday i live is a day i get to spend by your side. i don't care about status, i just care about you, about us."
"i—" your throat tightened, and tears welled in your eyes, "i'm sorry, sir ino, but—" 
"don't call me that." he said, his voice breaking, "it's takuma to you. i'm takuma."
"i don't love you." the words left your mouth with a fight. you knew you didn't mean it, and you knew you weren't convincing him
"prove it to me." he said, stepping closer, "prove to me that you've never felt something towards me. look at me. [name], look at mmph—"
it was a confession in and of itself. your true feelings, all of them. your soft lips on his, melting into each other, yearning for the same thing: a world in which a princess could be with her knight. his hand slipped to the small of your back, subtly pushing you into him. you caressed the nape of his neck, kissing him harder
"thank you…" you whispered, pulling away from the kiss, ignoring the string of pleas falling from his lips, "for everything takuma, my valiant knight,"
"no," he choked out, tears streaming down his face. "don't say goodbye. don't—"
"i love you," you said, the words slipping out before you could stop them. "i love you."
his head fell to your shoulder, his sound of his sobs mixing with yours. and all that could be done was to hold each other tightly, as if it was all a nightmare
a knock on your door didn't stir you, you were already awake. "princess?" a sweet voice belonging to one of your maids called out, "won't you please get ready? your soon-to-be husband will be arriving shortly."
a groan escaped from you as your feet thumped against the floor towards the bathroom
"oh, and one more thing." the maid added. "that knight of yours, grand knight ino? he was placed on leave. his mother has fallen ill. not to worry, your parents will be putting another knight in his stead but i doubt you'll like him."
"takuma's mother…?" you whispered, stopping in your tracks, your heart clenching. "make sure to send them the best care package we have" you said softly. "and come back later to deliver a letter for him as well."
"yes, princess."
the days leading up to your wedding were a blur of decisions that didn’t feel like your own. the lace of your gown, the jewels on your crown, and even the words you were to speak at the altar were all chosen for you. but behind the veneer of perfection, your heart throbbed for takuma
you had thought the ache would fade with time. that the whispered words he'd left you with—"run away with me"—would become nothing more than an echo. instead, the memories of him consumed you
your fiancé, was everything the kingdom could want: kind, loyal, attentive. he spoke softly of your future together, of the peace your marriage would bring. one evening, as you walked the castle gardens together, he pointed to the stars. "do you see that constellation there? it's called the lovers. legend says the stars only align when two souls are destined for one another."
you smiled, though it felt hollow. "it's beautiful."
he glanced at you, his expression warm. "i hope you'll look at the stars with me after we're wed."
you left him unanswered.
the castle halls became suffocating. everywhere you turned, preparations for the wedding surrounded you. your fiancé's attendants showered you with affection, yet it only magnified the emptiness within you. in quiet moments, your mind would wander to takuma—his smile, the rough timbre of his voice when he teased you, the way his touch lingered just a moment too long. you clutched your engagement bracelet tightly as if it could anchor you
it didn't.
you escaped to the gardens alone. the magnolias were in bloom, their scent a bittersweet reminder of the times you'd spent there with takuma. you sank to the bench where he had first spoken of running away. his words haunted you
"we could leave all of this behind. find a quiet place by the sea. you'd never have to wear a crown again."
tears slipped down your cheeks. "takuma," you whispered to the wind, praying that it would carry your words, "i wish you were here."
the day of the wedding dawned, and you felt like a prisoner in your own life. the cathedral was packed with nobles, their faces glowing with anticipation. your soon-to-be husband stood at the altar, his expression serene
but as the doors opened and you began your walk down the aisle, your eyes scanned the crowd—and there he was. that familiar head of brown hair. those kind eyes that were now red-rimmed. and a bittersweet smile full of unspoken words
the world seemed to fade. there was only him, the one you couldn't love anymore.
a tear escaped from your eye, and shattered onto the marble floor.
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jjk taglist
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caliluvsthe2000z · 2 days ago
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“tutoring”
You're known for being intelligent at your school. You're usually picked to answer questions. You think you're pretty decent in academics, but not that good.
Because of your intelligence you were chosen to be a tutor for an after school study hall session that students with bad grades were supposed to attend. The instructor told you to go help Christopher Sturniolo. He was told to study for a test but didn't want to.
You went and took a seat at a desk beside Chris. He was running his fingers through his messy brown hair. You could tell that he was frustrated then he finally gave up and sat back in his chair.
"Y'know I'm not gonna do this, right?"
“You have to Christopher.”
"No I don't, actually. I can ditch if I want."
He closed his textbook and sat back in his chair, stretching, making himself comfortable.
“Yeah you can if you wanna repeat being a freshman.”
"It's the end of the year anyway and I'm passing a few of my classes with a C or better. If I fail a class it doesn't make me flunk."
“Christopher. the principal gave me a paper with your grades on it and you’re failing almost everything. Don’t say you have a C or better.”
Chris looked off to the side, a little embarrassed. It was true, he was failing all his classes. It wasn't his fault, he was having a hard time coping with his own life. He didn't want to admit that though.
"It doesn't matter, I'll just go to summer school, or something."
“You wont get anything done there Christopher.”
Chris shrugged. He was too stubborn to admit he needed the help. He didn't want to deal with this right now.
"Fine. Let's get it over with, I guess."
He grumbled, opening the textbook back up to a page you told him to look at. He was obviously still annoyed.
Cali pointed to the text where he left off.
“Read that one.”
she was talking in a soft tone because she knew that he was just gonna get frustrated and give up again.
Chris groaned, rolling his eyes before reading out loud. Reading wasn't his strong suit, but he wasn't a terrible reader. He read the text in a lazy, uninterested tone.
“Hey I know you don’t wanna be here but if you wanna get better you have to try. Please?”
Christopher sighed, annoyed. He sat up fully in his chair, dropping his casual, laid-back demeanor from before.
He looked straight at you, clearly frustrated.
"Why do you care anyway? You don't even know me that well. I won't be in any of your classes next year. We'll probably never see each other again once the year ends."
“Because i don’t want you to end up homeless or being nothing in life or worse.”
Christopher’s annoyed expression faded. He looked down, no longer making eye contact with you. He was a little surprised at your response. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what would happened if he didn’t try in school. Would he even be able to improve? He didn't know, but it was too scary for him to give any effort.
“So please try Christopher.”
Chris was quiet, contemplating the choice he was being given. He didn't want to do this but it was either this or fail. He let out a small huff before looking back at the text.
"Fine. I'll try. But I can't promise it will go well."
“Thank you so much.”
At that moment she smiled for the first time. she had a beautiful smile and her dimple went out when she smiled.
Despite the whole studying thing, Chris took a moment to look at your smile, noticing your dimple. He felt a little flutter in his stomach, something he hadn't felt before. He quickly looked down at the textbook, shaking himself out of it. He was supposed to be focused on studying, not paying attention to how pretty you were. He told himself to push that thought out of his mind.
"Just... just tell me what to do."
“Read this text please.”
Chris quickly shoved his thoughts out of his head and focused on the task at hand. He tried to keep his tone neutral, but his voice was a touch softer than before.
"Okay. Fine. Whatever you say"
He picked up the textbook, looking for the text you asked him to read. He found the page, reading it aloud.
“Good!”
She said it in a soft easy tone. She knew this was hard for him so she had to go easy on him.
Christopher found himself wanting you to say the word "good" again. He wanted to get praised and have you tell him he was doing a good job. He liked your voice.
He shook that thought away, telling himself to focus on the studying. Even though it had only been little while, his attitude had completely changed. He wasn't as annoyed at having to study, at least he was when he heard you praising him. He was putting an effort into the work.
"Okay, now what?"
“Write down what i say okay?”
Chris grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. He was actually willing to do this for once, not just half-heartedly going through the motions.
"Right, got it. I'll write it down."
He looked at you, waiting for you to start speaking.
When she starts reading the passage Chris tried to listen to what she was saying but her voice was just so beautiful he just couldn’t focus on what he was supposed to be writing down.
Chris tried to focus on the words, but they faded out, replaced by the sound of your voice. It was pretty. Soft. Soft and sweet, like honey. He had to focus himself back on the task at hand every few sentences.
He quickly jotted down the words you said, trying to keep up. It was difficult because he found himself listening to you instead.
“Got all that?”
Chris snapped himself out of his trance. He looked down at the paper in front of him, a little embarrassed at himself for zoning out so much.
"Uh, right, yeah. Got it."
He said, looking down at his notes, his face a tiny bit red from embarrassment at spacing out like that. The whole time he was taking notes, he had to remind himself to pay attention to what you were saying and not your voice.
“i’m so proud of you getting stuff done!”
When she said that she gave him a rub on the back. Chris’s heart gave a little flutter again when he felt your hand on his back. Nobody had given him praise like this or said they were proud of him in a long time. It felt good, even if it was just over something small like actually studying.
He took a moment to let the feeling sink in before responding. His head was still down, looking at the notes he had written.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, I've actually gotten stuff done today..."
“And that’s not all.”
Chris looked up, curious. He had been doing surprisingly well so far. It had gone better than he thought. He didn't expect something else.
He looked directly at you, waiting to hear what he needed to do next.
“Now you’re gonna look me in the eyes and tell me what you learned from this text right here.”
Christopher felt a pang of nervousness when you said to look you in the eyes. That would be hard because of how pretty your eyes were, as well as looking you in the eye is already nerve-wracking.
He took a quick deep breath, mustering the courage to do as you said. He looked into your eyes, trying to keep a calm focus. He suddenly couldn't remember what he had written down at all. He tried to keep it together.
"Uh... well, what I learned is..."
“Go on.”
Chris tried his hardest to focus on answering the question, but it was hard when looking into your eyes. They were just so beautiful, so pretty. He could just stare into them all day. He tried to collect his thoughts.
"Uh, right, right... well, I learned that..."
He tried to remember what he had written down, but he was so distracted by just looking at you. It was impossible to focus on what he had written down.
“Here read it again.”
Chris let out a quiet sigh, trying not to seem like he was frustrated. He knew he should be able to tell you what he had written down but he still couldn't focus. Your sweet eyes and soft voice were making it so difficult.
He looked back down at his notes. They were messy, written in a hurry. He took a moment to read through the words.
“Hey hey don’t be frustrated take deep breath’s! When she said that she moved his hair out of his face.
Christopher almost shivered slightly when he felt your fingers brush his forehead, gently moving his hair. He took a deep breath like you said, letting it out through his nose. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to calm himself.
"Okay. Okay. I'm good, I'm okay now."
“Okay now read this one.”
He took another deep breath, feeling a little more in control now. He slowly started reading, trying to keep a steady tone. He spoke clearly and slowly, putting a lot of effort into it. He wanted to impress you.
She saw that he was having trouble with pronouncing the word equivalent so she tried to help him.
“Do you need some help?”
Chris stopped reading, taking his time before answering. He was getting a little frustrated with himself, having so much trouble. He let out a quiet groan, looking at the word.
"Ugh, yeah. Equiv- equivolent."
It was getting harder to even spit out the word now. He was never good at reading. He dreaded whenever he had to read aloud, even though he just heard your voice reading perfectly. It wasn't fair, he was supposed to be the popular and good looking kid, not the one with bad study skills.
“Its okay here i’ll help you”
She said that with the most beautiful smile on her face. Chris felt like he was going to melt if he looks at you for one more second.
Chris went quiet for a moment as you help him pronounce the word. You slowly helped him say it slowly, sounding it out carefully while he repeated it multiple times.
He mumbled it under his breath as he finally said it correctly, a little frustrated he couldn't say it easily. "Equivalent... got it."
“Im so proud of you You’re doing great.”
Chris was proud that he was finally able to say the damn word. He had a small smile on his face, not realizing that it mirrored your smile from before.
He looked up at you, feeling more confident. He still didn't like studying, but he was actually getting better at it. The fact that you were complimenting him and telling him he was doing good felt good. He wasn't used to hearing that from people.
"You really think I'm doing good?"
“Yes i do you’re doing way better than before!”
Chris was surprised at how much it made him smile to hear you say that. He actually was doing well. He was not only passing the subject, he was actually getting a good understanding. He never had that happen.
He sat up straighter in his chair, no longer leaning back as he had been before. He felt motivated now. Studying was becoming less of a chore and more of something he wanted to try.
"Yeah, okay. Maybe this isn't that bad after all."
“Well study time is over see you tomorrow!”
The words "study time is over" immediately brought back that annoyed feeling in Chris’s stomach. He was doing so well, he didn't want to stop.
But then, he realised that meant he was free. He didn't have to sit and study anymore. He was kind of sad though. He wouldn't get to see you until the next day. It wasn't ideal.
"Right... uh, okay. Um, see you tomorrow then."
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Alright alright, this might be about someone I know, who knows? So I know I should be writing other things than typing out what kind of ex Sephiroth would be, but here I am. With nobody to stop me. Not that they could.
This was supposed to be longer than this, but somewhere along the lines I began accidentally writing a Yandere!Sephiroth and I didn't want that...not right now at least.
He probably won't talk to you for a couple of weeks following the break up. If he can even stay away that long(I give him a week at most). The “I can’t sleep without you ex.” and he means it to the core. Knocking at your door in the middle of the night, his eyes unable to focus on you. Sephiroth’s eyes locking onto the floor as he expresses the lack of sleep since you’ve separated, he needs you nearby to feel the slightest bit of comfort. There’s no way you can say no when Sephiroth asks to stay the night with you. Of course this starts a routine and it’s like the two of you never broke up. On the rarest occasion he’ll try sleeping at his own place. Not that he’s successful at all, instead Sephiroth calls only to fall asleep on the phone with you. 
Spends his off days with you. It’s what he would typically do. Why stop just because of some pesky title? He’s yours still, forever in dire need of your presence. Did you expect him to find something to replace all of that time spent with you? You’re the crazy one if you thought that. Seeing how you’ve been the center of his universe, constantly making sure your needs were put above his own, it’s impossible for Seph to shift focus. 
Gifts? He’s always been a giver. Partially due to Genesis teaching Sephiroth how they’re a great display of affection without being verbal. Considering Sephiroth is not great at vocalizing emotions at all, it’s the easiest route to take to express himself. Still sends you the weekly bouquet of flowers with a cute note attached and his beautiful signature attached to it. Usually a few words of appreciation along with an “I love you.” He’s going to keep soiling you, taking you out on dates, there isn’t anything Sephiroth changes after breaking up. He’d much rather keep the pretence that you’re his baby. With what’s already been stated, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when Sephiroth was at your door, dressed for your usual date night. Of course he has questions upon realizing you’re not ready to go. It’s just so cute, Sephiroth would seem hurt by it in my opinion. All you can do is shake your head, telling him “You really don’t get how this works do you?” Inviting him in while you get dolled up. Of course you’re going out with him, don’t be silly.
Mr. “Why didn’t you tell me you wouldn’t be home?” Like, I beg your finest pardon? Didn’t know this was a requirement, especially when you’re single, but Sephiroth expects you to still keep him filled in in regards to your life and whereabouts, down to your dental appointments. It’s not in a toxic manner per say, he just needs to know where you are and that you’re safe. If he’s your usual form of transportation around Midgar, he expects this to stay the same. Will get very pouty because you caught a ride to work or wherever else you need to go. Please don’t do that again, he’ll pout for another two days over it. 
How’s this man just gonna move on so easily? He’s not. He is fucking not. You literally taught him how to kiss, you thought that was going to smooth over well? So sleeping with new people won’t be an option nor is it something he’d be comfortable doing. But you, his oh so beloved significant other(purposefully without the ex part in mind) will still absolutely be railing this man. There’s not a chance in the world he’ll create a bond with someone to the point of singing songs together or randomly shouting military cadences. 
I know what we usually say about SOLDIERS not getting drunk. This one will make sure to drink himself into thinking calling you during a night out with Angeal and Genesis despite their protest telling him to give you some space. Imagine the distaste on the other SOLDIER's face as Sephiroth rolls his eyes, whines at you, and insults them in the process “I miss you, these guys are lame.” 
Any new friendships are met with a side eye and questioning on who your new companion is. Would be insecure about it til he’s green in the face. That being said, fully expect him to be even more clingy. If that’s even possible. You’ll be spending quite a bit of time reassuring him that nobody can come remotely close to replacing him. Getting any texts? Calls? Shall be met with “Who is that?” Probably won’t go through your phone, but will get increasingly paranoid if he senses any sort of deceit in your answer. Don’t even give a pause in between answering his questions, Sephiroth is instantly going to overthink and watch you like a hawk. 
Will I do more with this? Maybe, not anytime soon though.
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jojo-ker06 · 1 day ago
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The people have spoken and they want:
✨️ORION LORE✨️
(WARNING: Might be longer than the Wishmas lore)
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Normal Form Human Form
Introduction and Family:
Orion is an 17 year old prince from the star kingdom Estrellania.
Despite his parents ruleing over the kingdom of the deceased star-king Galaxius, they are not related to him. When King Galaxius was defeated in war with Rosas, the kingdom went to them since they had been friends and Galaxius had no wife or children.
Orions parents are King Aster and Queen Luminara.
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(Family picture from when Orion was 7)
They once had a happy family life until the queen left them. She told her family that she would go down to earth to "settle things" there and promised the then seven year old Orion that she would return soon. But she never did and this caused his father to become very over-protective of Orion. King Aster stopped believing that his wife would ever return, but Orion didn't. He just knew that she couldn't be gone forever. Even though he wants to go to earth to search for his mother (and to maybe explore the earth after finding her), his father won't let him leave his home because he's too worried that he'll loose his only son and another person he loves. So call it luck for Orion (or bad luck for his dad) when Asha's wish knocks the star prince out of the sky.
Powers and other things:
All stars share the same abilities: Flight, the power to take on a human form and the form of a round little star, talking to animals and making things fly with stardust. But Stars who come from royalty have a bonus power: healing wounds with their tears.
What's also special about the stars is that they're born with a special power. It can be: controlling light or making animals actually talk, to name a few options. But royal stars are born with two special powers. Those can be common ones (from which I've mentioned two), but it could also be rare ones like: viewing things trough mirrors made by stars, shape-shifting into other people, to change constellations, and other things.
Stars don't unlock their full power potential until they are 18. So while they're not 18 yet, they can't use their powers too long because it exhausts them too much. Orion will turn 18 later in the story, but I'm sure THAT'S totally not plot relevant or anything😅.
Orions two special powers are:
-being able to change sizes while in round star form.
- Something else I won't reveal yet because it's super plot relevant (and I still want you to be interested in my rewrite and not get bored lol)
A little fun fact about his plushie-form: While he's in it, he can't really communicate with humans. The thing that humans hear when he's talking while in that form is little squeaks (like a squeaky-toy lol)
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It is also this form that Morado (the pet cat of the royals) loves to hunt. Morado really loves shiny objects and that's what Plushie-form Orion basically is to him. There will be little chase scenes between the two, where Morado wants to grab the little plush and Orion has to escape. Too bad his dust makes things fly lol.
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Emotions and reactions:
When feeling different emotions, Orions light changes according to his feelings.
When in his normal mood, his light is and warm bright, but still not eye-hurtingly bright.
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When extremly happy, he shines VERY, VERY bright. You would probably need sunglasses if you meet him like this lol.
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When sad, his light dims down.
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But if you somehow managed to get him super angry, and I mean, smoke-coming-out-of-his-ears-angry, then his hair turns into fire and he becomes filled with cartoonish rage.
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Orion actually rarely gets angry in any way. Not just because he's a peaceful and optimistic person but also because he himself thinks that he'd be useless without his happy mood. He made himself believe that he can only be usefull if he's always helping others and is constantly happy, because wishing stars are always supposed to be helping those in need and don't require help themselfs. He puts himself under pressure and is always talking himself down for the tiniest flaws he made or makes. Instead of talking about it, he puts a smile on and continues to offer his help to others but never wants help for himself because he made himself think that that makes him weak. He knows that it isn't true, but still, it scares him.
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He also dosen't cry infront of others and does it when he's completly alone. I plan to add a scene where Asha, not being able to sleep, accidently finds Orion crying. Before that point it was always Orion who comforted her and listened to her, but now Orion is the one talking and Asha is the one listening.
And that's it for the lore about Orion! I hope you enjoyed it, didn't get too bored while reading and liked the little sketches I made✨️. Have a great day/afternoon/evening/night! 👋
(Tagging Time: @starss-artss @spectator-zee @rascalentertainments @your-ne1ghbor @dangerousflowerpanda )
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kaiser1ns · 5 months ago
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maybe i am cooking another wind breaker fic and the word count right now is above 7 thousand words? and i am not at the interesting part yet someone kill me, this is about to be a whole ass movie😶‍🌫️
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blackswallowtailbutterfly · 5 months ago
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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nutria--oscura · 2 years ago
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Ronnie, you are enough just as you are. Samantha
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chaddicus · 9 months ago
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see the longer I play with my understanding of my transmasc experience and dysphoria, the more I grapple with the conflict between mocking fragile masculinity for refusing to allow the use of 'feminine' things vs knowing more and more keenly how much dysphoria I would and do get whenever someone associates something I do or use or wear with femininity. and no amount of people insisting that using "feminine" things doesn't invalidate someone's gender, man or otherwise, seems to have any impact on that dysphoria
we do need to untangle cultural perceptions of masculine vs feminine and respect for a person's gender, manhood in particular in this discussion, but I almost feel like knowing that means it's my responsibility to refuse to engage with those ideas for my own gender — and the problem is that knowing this is not the common understanding means knowing that other people *will* associate my use of feminine things as some sort of contradiction with any masculinity I may wish to express or identify with, and no amount of understanding the concepts and holding the principles can erase the revulsion and pain and fear I feel at the thought of people associating me with some concept of womanhood that I adamantly *do not experience or identify with.* fuck.
#I don't think I can be free of the trappings of fragile masculinity#until such a time that flouting them *won't* directly result in my transmasc identity & experience being disrespected#and especially as I cannot medically transition the way I want to#my expression and presentation is the *only* way to give people any impression of masculinity about me#and so choosing to incorporate things consider unmasculine into those just. fucks me up I guess#all this brought about bc I've decided I want some sort of bag to carry a notebook +pencils etc around in#but I am not willing to carry a purse. and so the thought occurred to me to look up masculine messenger bags or something#immediately triggering a mocking thought about fragile masculinity#followed by. all of this.#this sucks. I hate it here.#can we fix masculinity so I don't have to be afraid of people misgendering me more for carrying a purse or something#tbh making it alt has allowed me to feel comfortable with stuff like makeup & jewelry bc alt fashion is often tied to gender nonconformity#but for the life of me I can't figure out how to make a purse definitively alt. so I want to look up stupid masculine bags#the thing is I don't *want* a huge backpack! a mid-sized purse type would suit the practical need!#I just will throw up if people see me carrying a purse and form any sort of association with nonmasculinity because of it!! fuck!!!#x: axel talks#I'm sorry y'all I just keep having more and more feelings about this and I have no fucking clue where else to go with it#well I guess I have my queer support group this week actually that might be the perfect place for it#I just. need to excise it sooner than that. I will burst if I have to suppress it much longer
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prismatoxic · 9 months ago
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guy with "scared people will leave me" disease: hmmm this person i'm fond of hasn't spoken to me in several days. what if they hate me and are trying to leave me
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fragmentedblade · 10 months ago
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Not to be a jingfu on main, but it's so cute that Jing Yuan thought of Fu Xuan with those jelly beans
#me: the Xianzhou characters are all just coworkers#also me whenever anyone is shown to be fond and have intimate knowledge of some other character: awwww#Like Fu Xuan and Jing Yuan playing starchess and teasing each other or making a reference to things they like#or Jing Yuan talking about young Yukong#Quingque apparently disliking Fu Xuan but obviously that not being the case‚ knowing what she likes and how she thinks#Fu Xuan hiding that she has a sweet tooth but Jing Yuan and Quingque knowing it and teasing her for it#I don't know. There are a lot of instances of these small intimate details in the middle of what looks like a coworker relationship#Good coworkers‚ but coworkers nonetheless#And ironically it moves me so much? Even more so than Belobog. I've been told several times that Belobog seemed more tight. And I agree#In Belobog people were friends or family or companions but linked by something closer than mere coworkers with Wildfire#Even Sampo in the Underworld was strangely 'theirs'. He had the magenta colour of Wildfire and he was trusted to some extent#The Luofu characters don't have that. And yet the fragments of intimacy scattered through their interactions move me a lot#These are people who have known each other for centuries. Jing Yuan knows of Yukong's youth‚ its joy and grief#He knows Fu Xuan has a sweet tooth and teases her about her height. Quingque does too#Fu Xuan chastises both of them for being lazy but she knows they're smart and good at their job. She plays starchess with Jing Yuan#Quingque mocks Fu Xuan for being a workaholic but is very aware of the weight she carries both in her position and ideas about destiny#I won't mention Yanqing and Bailu because there is obviously more than a coworker bound when it comes to them#But yes I love the moments of intimate knowledge scattered through the Xianzhou‚ so telling of the fact that these people have known#each other for longer than several human lifetimes‚ and that perhaps they don't necessarily regard each other as more than their coworker#But perhaps that's enough in order for them to care. Perhaps in a lifetime over one thousand years the intimacy gained with a coworker#through several centuries is something beyond what we could understand in our decades lifespan#But also‚ perhaps‚ I don't know. Also‚ perhaps‚ the do care beyond coworkers in that strange line between work and friendship#Perhaps it's strange for Xianzhou natives to tell apart that kind of relationship after so much intimacy and knowledge through the years#And perhaps‚ once again‚ as it often happens for them‚ they think they'll always have enough time to tell; until they run out of it#They play chess together. Quingque can lose time because Fu Xuan can't stay mad if she brings her sweets. Are they just coworkers?#We play chess. I know what tea and sweets you like best. I brought them today since you would indulge me and play starchess with me#Thanks for playing with me‚ I'm running out of book puzzles. You keep divining my moves but I'll invent a fake story to distract you#Are we coworkers or something more like friends? Where is the line after so many years?#I talk too much but I love this charged nothingness haha I find it ironically so true to how many relationships in real life develop#And I find it so moving‚ that representation of this endearing smallness of everyday life. Of these small things is life made
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jorvikzelda · 1 year ago
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the note in the jorvikpov masterdoc next to the prompt/summary for the next one saying July 19th vs. the date on my computer saying 2023-08-06: fight
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neverendingford · 3 months ago
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#tag talk#said out loud “I've felt drunk for the past week” and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them#so we vibe in that regard.#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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pigaletta · 1 year ago
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#Being in vet med is so damn bleak all the time because whenever you get hope there's always some drawback that basically nullifies it.#looking for a clinical pg with rank 183 in the country but whoops can't go to your own state#and other states universities will put you in a college in buttfuck nowhere rather than their best ones#like...I am so fucking tired. Every time I try to fight my depression something comes back and reinforces it harder.#it's things like this that make me want to leave the field and do something less heavy even if the hours are longer#whenever. WHENEVER I talk to a vet it's just bleak. Everything sucks everywhere. It's a matter of choosing your hell.#EVEN THE HAPPIER VETS#And there's no promise that if I try to go abroad I won't get crippling depression there too.#like. why do I try? why didn't I choose to go to NISER when I had the chance?#Why didn't I pick a job where I can just sit at a computer all day and not have to talk to anyone#how much do airport ground staff earn? maybe I could be a tug driver. Maybe I could have done some degree to become a flight mechanic.#why didn't I know when I finished school that my mental health is fragile as fuck and I need a job that doesn't make it this much worse#I'll run a photostat shop. I'll learn to fix laptops. Anything.#People raise families with that kind of income. Surely I can look after myself with it.#Why is everything bleak all over the world all the time in veterinary medicine? why is there no silver lining anywhere?#I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being decent at my job but not being able to handle the reality of how stressful it is.#I'll do any manual labour job day in and day out six and a half days a week for my whole life but this is just killing me#rant#I'm unrealistic and ungrateful and addicted to quick dopamine#but god I wish I wasn't suffering from depression of varying degrees since 2015.#vent#personal
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