#Richie's insecurities
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PRESSURE FOR RICHIE. SEASON 3 THE BEAR
One of the saddest things I saw this season was Richie wondering if he should back away from EVA.
I can see why he'd feel insecure
Uncle Frank loves Eva and Tiff
Frank has a beautiful house that he got through his own strength in a great neighborhood
Frank is gorgeous and gentlemanly and seems like a decent person.
Meanwhile Richie thinks his being alone (and not well off)
Might be a hindrance to Eva.
This made me tear up
Of course he shouldn't back away from his child!
#Richie's insecurities#frank the bear#frank#josh hartnett#the bear#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#carmy x syd#love#sydcarmy#slow burn#romance#relationship#richie jerimovich#natalie berzatto#eva jerimovich#Tiffany Jerimovich#season 3 the bear#the bear season 3#ebon moss bachrach#Abby Elliott
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yeah idk what to title this one we got a bit of everything bruv
+ shoutout to @ihavenoideamanokay for the wonderful idea that bailey & richie are related
richie has like 23.62 uncles now in my head & you can pry that from my cold dead hands
Those teenagers scare the living shit outta me
Putting the âfunâ in âdisfunctionalâ
#max was his secret boyfriend freshman year#before he dumped richie & started bullying him bc he was insecure#dw heâll get a redemption arc eventually#whether he likes it or not >:)#nerdy prudes must die#npmd incorrect quotes#starkid nerdy prudes must die#team starkid#starkid incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes#michie#jĂ€gerschitz#richie lipschitz#paul matthews#tgwdlm#incorrect hatchetfield#hatchetfield#hatchetverse#beanies#emma perkins#paulkins#officer bailey#lex foster#ethan green#lexthan#dikrats
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richie thinking he ate school picture day with his new haircut
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Thing im never gonna be finishingg!!!!!!!!
#doodles#my art#richie#my ocs#main insecurity is that i HEAVILY referenced someone else to get a grip on hte Background. i want to make another drawing like this but#without any references that are someones art
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the scene where carmy, stressed and at his worst, holds out his cut hand and says "blood! see! good! good! are you all happy now!" to the beef when no one is listening to him or letting him have his way is just. so...so donna. he is his mother's son unfortunately
#the bear#thinking a lot abt everything that's wrong with him i wanna make a list.#also on that note it's actually to me a sign of great love and sacrifice that richie had held back that comment for so long#i'm not being pithy i'm actually like. a lot of carmy's worst traits are also donna's#and i think richie who is very keen on things actually def picks up on that#and the only reason he doesn't bring it up sooner is probably the knowledge that it would wreck him#and he only brings it up in s2 from a place of desperation--nothing else is working#fixing the beef didn't also fix carmen#it's the reality check he probably never felt secure enough to give mikey#bc on THAT note i think richie's failure with mikey is his own insecurity; his fear of being kicked out or not belonging#he doesn't want to disagree with mikey and risk that closeness#and ultimately that anxiety hurts them both
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Hey, so they live on an island, right?
Obligatory beach/lake fic, whereâ OH, I just got another idea.
Orry, anyway: obligatory beach/lake fic where the nerds (include grace or don't, doesn't matter) go to the beach/lake, and maybe Max and his buddies are there if you want to include him/them.
#nerdy prudes must die#starkid#richie lipschitz#ruth fleming#ruth flemming#steph lauter#stephanie lauter#peter spankoffski#pete spankoffski#grace chasity#grace chastity#max jagerman#pfff#ruth and grace see max shirtless and they just stare#maybe richie too idk#richie in a half tank binder and swim trunks <3#peter would wear a full binder and swim trunks#ruth would wear a one piece out of insecurity#weve already seen graces swim suit#i cant decide on steph tbh
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Oh right Iâm supposed to post theto next part of my fic⊠Delaying it because I wanted to make art to accompany it. Silly artist, focus on one piece at a time!!!!!
The fic in question: Jawbreaker by TearyEyedShark (me).
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#im to embarassed to talk abt him but omg im gonna EXPLODE#cutest boy EVER in the world EVER EVER EVER#his cute glasses and his pretty eyes and his smile lines and crows feet and the way the hairs at the front curl into a heart shape#the way he sits and the way he stands and the way he talks to his family and the way the big t shirts he wears sits on his waistband and#hes insecure about his body and his acne but hes literally so gorgeous I have no idea why he is#goddddd cutest boy in the worldddd i like him so much it makes me feel sick#at prom (26th june) he tied some loose fabric around my wrist and its still there now#his jeans i see him wear all the time cus theyre his favourite like he has favourite jeans im Ă aaaaaaaaaa#the way he throws his head back when he laughs and the specific âha-HAAâ laugh he does when he isnt expecting it#his stupid chai latte that he really likes#how he always has to say goodnight 3 times before he stops talking#how he uses the purple heart emoji rather than the regular ones#i had a dream once that we were laying in my bed when everyone was asleep just whispering and giggling and he left in a hurry back to-#wherever he was staying and we were laughing and when the door clicked behind him i just felt so light#UGH HES SO CUTE#his big dramatic expressions and how everything becomes a story#the stupid facial expression he pulls where his tongue goes out and hos eye brows arch when he makes any kind of dance move#the way he giggles when hes about to make a joke#(richie tozier voice) CUTE CUTE CUTE#omg his VOICE. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god man. oh god. help me. god be with me. please.#hes playing troy bolton rn so he keeps singing HSM and im just AAAAAAA I CANT. I CANTICANTICANT#the way his instinct is to grab my wrist/lower arm/hand whenever anything happens#OAIAHAUAGAH GUYS. GUYS I WILL NOT SURVIVEEEEE#his eyes are like. slanted? idk how to describe it but theyre lower on the outside and theyre soooooo gorgeous#ughhh both his eyes and hair are like so-dark brown theyre nearly black and its so fucking pretty i cant do this#at prom i had to lean in to talk to him & vice versa and at some point we were sat towards eachother with his legs kinda like barricading-#mine yk. ugh. he was so sweet and so cute the whole time. like helping me walk in the heels and opening doors for me and following me around#UGHHHH I CANT. GUYS. HELP.#â#beverly says stuff
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HONESTLY in regards to "being able to pull my f/os or not" I actually have to admit that's part of why my ship with Bob is my most comforting, bc for some reason my brain just 100% accepts the idea that he would find me physically attractive kdkdklsld like with most of my other f/os I struggle with that idea but with Bob it's just never been a problem?? and I can't even describe why, there's nothing in canon to support this, it's just... something i inexplicably believe lol
#i kinda feel this way about richie too which i think is why i fell for him so hard so fast LOL#then theres the newest crush Finch who i'm literally fighting tooth and nail to convince myself hed find me physically attractive đđ#thankfully the episode i mentioned recently where he had a crush on the woman who wasn't his usual type helped a lot with that tbh#also ik the question isnt just about physical attraction but i have to believe ALL my f/os like my personality bc otherwise#i would literally transform into this emoji: đą for the rest of my life#plus compatible personalities is a big reason why i f/o characters in the first place. bc i can picture us enjoying each others company#but as an insecure person the other part is never quite as easy to believe lol so its SUCH a comfort when it is... <3#caitiechat#peanut butter and jelly donut
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#the bear spoilers#Loved that opening. Just a pure love letter to the service industry workers who keep the world spinning#the storm is here as i said đđđ#yall are gonna make my girl insane like actually insanr syd is so doneđđ#carmy wants non negotiables new menu w inexperienced chefs everyday đ”âđ« bros projecting his insecurities on his people again#richie and carmy fight....this IS a comedy
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Request: carmy/reader, jealousy
âyouâre so mean to me.â (c. berzatto x reader)
You friend sees you at the Beef while you were helping out at the counter. Carmy feels insecure. (mean!carmy, angst to fluff, just :(, sydney is such a sweetheart, protect carmen at all cost, not sure if there are spoilers, unedited.) - ACCEPTING REQUESTS!
He comes to the Beef with authority and an air of confidence. Richie noticed that he had a designer shirt on, the monogram of some brand littered on it. The shoes on his feet could cover some expenses at the Beef. You were helping out at the counter that day. Carmy has been telling you how stressful the Beef had been since day one and you decided that on your days off, youâd go down to the shop and help. Carmy wished you didnât come that dayâŠnot if he was there.
The first time you came, Carmy was bewildered. He was a blushing, babbling mess when his girlfriend came to help. âAyo, Jeff, stop staring and give the girl a job!â Tina teased, making Carmyâs ears turn red.Â
âAlright, Chef,â he said, looking at you, finally breaking out of his trance. âCome to the office and IâllâŠorient you,â he takes your hand and brings you to the back office before you could say hi to his coworkers. âSyd, cover for me!â
âYes, chef!âÂ
He locked the door behind him and kissed your head.Â
âHey, baby. What are you doing here?â he asked. His voice was soft, dripping with vanilla and honey.
âItâs my day-off and youâve been telling me how much you needed another person at the counter and I decided to come down and help out. Iâm sure Richie could help me,â you said. âBut if you think that I might disrupt the system, I can leave and stay in the area! We can go on a date after your shift,âÂ
Carmy could just melt. How were you so considerate and beautiful and kind to him? He was so sure that he didnât deserve you. He was almost certain that you were too good for him. Too good for everyone.
âI promise, I wonât mind whatever you choose, Carm.â you said, smiling softly at him. You could see the gears in his head turning.Â
âNo, no. I want you here,â said. âI want you here.â
âOkay. Iâll stay,â he hears, and you kiss him softly. âIâll go to Richie and ask him to teach me the basics, okay?â
âAlright,â he said, pecking your lips âJust come to the office if youâre not feeling it, okay?â
âYeah,â you nod, leaving the space and leaving a lovesick Carmy in the office.Â
âHey, guys! Sorry if Iâm here on short notice. Iâll just keep out of your way and help Richie out, okay?â you asked. The kitchen hums and releases a series of âsureâ, âokayâ, and âthank youâs.â
âChefs! Iâll take care of family today,â Carmy said a few moments later. He was watching you joke around with Richie. He was teaching you the basics and teaching you how to take orders.Â
The first time you helped out, Carmy was tense. He didnât want anything to happen to you. Nothing to touch you but soon, once you were well-integrated in their system, the kitchen found themselves looking forward to every Wednesday when Carmy was calmer, less annoying, and less rude. Itâs like you take out every bad thing in him.Â
-
Not today though. Not when Richie saw your eyes widen in recognition, an instantaneous sweet smile plastered on your face.
âAyo, cousin!â he calls, while you almost literally jumped over the counter to talk to this guy.Â
âLawrence!â you greeted, taking him in a hug. âHow are you? Richie, this is my childhood friend, Lawrence. Lawrence, this is Richie,â
Richie could only give a grimace and a half-assed wave. Where the fuck was Carmy?
âWait for a bit,â you asked. âSit down, okay? Your sandwich is on the house.â You looked at Richie to ask if he could cover for a few minutes and he nodded. He shouts at the order in the kitchen.
âWhoâs that asshole?â he asked, getting a glass of pop.Â
âMy childhood friend,â you said. âWe grew up in the same street together,â
âWhat does he do?â
âFinanceâŠI think? Itâs been a while since we last talked. I think last year?â you wondered. âI didnât even know that he was still in Chicago because we saw each other in New York,â
âCarmy knows him?âÂ
âNo, I donât think so. I donât talk about him alot. I think Carmy only knows him as a childhood friend,â you said. âTheyâve never met each other.â
Richie gives you the drink and the sandwich that Tina prepared. You uttered a thanks before walking to whereLawrence sat.Â
âI didnât know you worked here,â he said, taking the sandwich from the tray.Â
âI didnât know you still lived here,â you said. âThe last time that I saw you was in New York. I thought you were a big finance guy?â
âAh, I quit,â he shrugged. âDecided to start my own start-up here in Chicago. I had enough savings and well, you know,â
âOf course,â you nod. âI donât work here. I just help out once a week because everythingâs been so busy,â
âHm,â he hums. âMy employees have been raving about the sandwiches here since the new management took over. Decided to try it out and sure enough, you were there.â
âFuck! Where the fuck were you?â Richie asked Carmy when he finally came through the back door. Some rich asshole has been wooing your girl in the seating area. Says heâs her childhood friend or some shit,â
âWho?â Carmen asked, removing his jacket.Â
âYour girlfriend took a break to talk to a customer, Jeff.â Tina said. Carmy frowned, walking briskly to you. The staff huddled, intrigued at how this could unfold. Carmy has never felt jealousy before. Heâs never had to deal with girlfriends and their guy friends that definitely look at you too long. Heâd never have to deal with Lawrence who was so obviously flirting with you. Heâd never have to deal with you accepting it. The jealousy consumes him.
âCarmy! Come here,â you said when you finally noticed him. Heâs been standing there for minutes while you listened to this guy drone on about how bored he was with his money. How you were probably meant to see each other again.Â
âHey,â Carmy greets the guy in front of you. A chair scrapes loudly on the floor, reverberating in the whole restaurant. He sits down.Â
âCarmyâs the owner of this place,â you told Lawrence. âHeâs my boyfriend.â
âHe is?â Lawrence asked and Carmy could feel him sizing him up in his dirty white t-shirt. âIâm Lawrence. We grew up together,â
âOh,â Carmy said. âUh, babe, can I talk to you for a minute in the office?â
âSure,â you said. âI have to go,â you told Lawrence, who stood up as well. His sandwich was half-eaten and it annoyed Carmy. Had he no respect to at least finish the food in front of the chef who made it? Asshole.Â
âNo, itâs fine. Iâm leaving too,â Lawrence said. âI have a meeting around here. Iâll see you?â he asked.Â
âOf course,â You removed your hand from Carmen to hug Lawrence and it fucking hurt. Lawrence kisses the side of your head before sparing a glance to Carmy. What an asshole.Â
âWhat was it, Carm?â you asked, smiling. You were almost forgiven because of how sweet you looked but Carmy have always felt things too intensely. He couldnât stop what came from his mouth and it was too late. Too fucking late and the damage has been done.
âGo home,â he said, coldly. Your face fell and Carmen wanted to take it back. He felt you recoil yourself away from him, as if heâs hurt you. As if he burned you.
âBear?â you asked softly.
âGo home,â he repeated. You frowned, grief-stricken but you nodded.Â
âOkay,â you whispered. âIâllâŠIâll just get my stuff from the locker,â
Carmy looks away from you and you clear your throat. Walking away from him, you saw the staff pretend like they werenât listening.
âHey, guys. Iâm goingâŠgoing home,â you said, trying to stabilize your wavering voice. Tears were threatening to spill but you blink them away. âI donât feel well, and I realized I have thisâŠthing to attend to.â you lied.
âOf course, sweets,â Tina says. âGet home safely, okay?â she asked.Â
âYeah. Iâll let you know once Iâm home.â
âIâll come with you,â Sydney says, glaring at Carmen.Â
âNo, itâsâ â
âItâs just a few blocks away. Iâll take you.â she says, and you nodded, walking to the locker room with her.Â
âSorry for being such a bother,â you said while you waited for her to change into her outside shoes.Â
âYouâre not,â she reassured. âLetâs go?â
-
âI didnât know what I did wrong,â you said, walking away from The Beef. âI was just so excited to see my friend. We grew up together, you know? In the same street. Went to the same school and we havenât seen each other in a year. I didnât know what I did for Carmy to be so mean.â
âItâs okay,â Syd says, not wanting to get in the middle. âJust explain things to him, okay? Youâre the only person he listens to.â
âI guess,â you nodded, wiping the tears from your cheeks. âI justâŠheâs never been that way to me before. It feels new and I donât like it,â
Syd, whoâs been on the receiving end of Carmy Berzattoâs anger, wanted to protect you from him but it wasnât her place. She wanted so badly to tell you to let him cool off.
The remaining walk back to your apartment was quiet. You both didnât know what to say, where to start.Â
âDo you want to come in?â you asked Sydney. âRefresh a bit?â
âNo, Iâm fine. I might be needed at the restaurant,â Syd says. You nod, going in for a goodbye hug with your friend. âIâll see you?â
âYeah. Thanks for walking me home. Stay safe, okay?â
-
The kitchen hated Carmy that day. He was ruder, more annoying, moreâŠinsufferable. Tina said that he handled the situation wrong, Eibrahim and the others, except for Richie agreed. So, when Sydney comes back, the first thing she say was, âWhat the fuck, Carmen?â
âStay out of it, Sydney,â Richie warns but Sydney did not give a fuck. Seeing her friend so defeated, so sad stirred something in her. Maybe she was biased because she actually liked you
âShe was crying all the way from here,â she said. Carmy felt like he was going to throw up. âGrow up, Carmy. Just because you canât handle that she has other friends, doesnât mean you have to take it out on her.â
âFuck off, Sydney.â
Sydney stands, taken aback. She was just trying to help.
âFine,â she says, blinking. âBut if you come to an empty home, donât take it out on us.â
-
Sydneyâs warning rang in his ears as he drove home. He was anxious but his anger superseded every emotion that he was feeling. That was why, when he opened the door, he immediately looked for you.Â
âWho was that?â he demanded. Anxiety and anger had such a bad mix and he knew it. He couldnât stop. That friend of yours made him feel so insecure.Â
âCarmen,â you sighed. âHeâs my friend. Lawrence. I told you about him before,â
âCarmen?â he chuckled. Heâs just Carmen now? âI donât like him.â
âWhy?â you asked, exasperated. âHeâs nice. I was actually so excited for the two of you to meet until you ruined it. Heâs my friend that I havenât seen in over a year, Carmy. Wasnât it a natural reaction to be excited?â
âWhat? Youâre telling me that I ruined your little date in my restaurant?â he asked, voice raising. âThatâs nice. Sorry for bothering you,â
âWe werenât even doing anything wrong!â you said, walking away. You didnât want thisâyou just wanted to talk about things without screaming.Â
âHey! Get back here, Iâm talking to you!â
âTalk about what, Carmen?â you asked. âYouâre not listening to me. Okay? What is there to talk about?â
âYou let him all over you like that! Took a break just to spend time with him,â he sneered. âAnd-and he looked at you like you were his. You let him kiss you. You let him do things to you and you just fucking accepted it.â
âWhat?â you asked. âLawrence and I grew up like that Thereâs nothing wrong with it,â you tried. You were probably being too defensive, not letting Carmy explain his side but you were hurt when he dismissed you just like that. When he let you go without a kiss. He just looked away when you were pleading with him.Â
âSo, youâd rather defend your old fucking friend instead of trying to fix this bullshit,â Carmen spits. âHeard,â
âWhat?â your heart dropped. âBullshit?â The first tear falls like it was rehearsed. It broke your heart to hear Carmy call you relationship bullshit when youâve spent the best days of your life with him. When you helped him through the nightmaresâŠwhen he took care of you. âBullshit, huh, Carmen?â
You couldnât form a string of coherent sentences. Your mouth was agape, trying to process what he just said. Fix this bullshit. Fix this bullshit. You nod, pursing your lips to stop yourself from crying.Â
Bullshit. It was when you stayed up late to make sure that he slept peacefully, threading your fingers in his golden hair so he could feel your presence. Bullshit. It was when you picked him up from some bar downtown because he decided to drink with Richie. Bullshit. It was when you sacrificed your days-off just so you could spend more time together. Bullshit. It was when he showed up on your first date with flowers that you pressed in between the pages of your favorite book. Bullshit. It was when Carmen told you that he loved you because you made him a burnt grilled cheese sandwich. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit. It was ringing in your ear, breaking your heart in a million pieces.Â
âFuck, baby,â Carmen takes it back when you moved to walk towards the door. âIâm sorryâ â
âIs that all it was to you?â you asked. âBullshit? Is that why you dismissed me so coldly earlier? Because itâs bullshit?â Tears are on your face now and you wipe them away. âItâs bullshit, huh?â
âBabyâŠâ
âDonât,â you said. âFuck, youâre soâŠso mean,â you said, crouching on the floor to shield yourself away from him. âIâŠI donât know what I did wrong,â you whispered. âAnd Iâm sorry if my actions hurt you but thatâs how I grew up with Lawrence. I didnât know that I was hurting you but, fuck,â you sobbed. âYouâre so mean to me, Bear.â You didnât mean it as an endearment, and he knew that.
âIâm sorry, baby,â he says, crouching down to your level. âI didnât mean to say that. Iâm so fucking sorry,â he whispers, taking you in his arms. You didnât want to fight back. âIâm sorry for-for doing that. For projecting my insecurities on you. I justâŠhe has life figured out and I could never give you what he could give. Iâm sorry, baby. Iâm so fucking sorry,â
âI donât want him,â you sniffled. âIâm with you, you know? PleaseâŠplease, donât call it bullshit. Because itâs notâŠfor me, at least.â
âItâs not bullshit. Iâm sorry, so fucking sorry for saying that. Iâm so sorry,â he rambles sincerely. âYouâre the best person that Iâve met. I love you. I love you so much that the thought of anyone else loving you drives me mad. Iâm sorry,â
âYou were mean to me,â
âI was, baby. I was,â he said. âI promise to stop myself from being mean. Iâm so sorry. I donât-donât want to lose you. Please-please donât leave me. Please, donât leave.â
âIâm not going to leave you, Carmen.â you cooed, and you felt his arms tighten around you.
âNot that name, please. Iâm just so fucking sorry for saying that and making you feel bad. Iâm sorry.â
âThank you,â you said. âIâm sorry too. I should have been more considerate. I love you so much, Bear.â
âItâs my fault. All my fault,âÂ
âItâs not.â
âCan we-can we go to bed?â he asked, pulling away from you. You nodded. That night, when you were half-asleep, you felt his calloused hand caress your cheek. Youâd never tell him, but you heard him. Loud and clear.
âI love you,â he whispers. âYou donât know how much I love you and Iâm sorry. I love you.â
A/N: No Carmen Berzatto taglist yet! Also, if youâre waiting for the Tommy Shelby fic, you might have a to wait a week more before I release it. I want to release a chapter every week and I havenât written the second chapter for this week yet. Thank you for reading! Donât forget to leave comments and reblogs :)
#carmen berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto x reader#carmen berzatto fanfiction#carmen berzatto#fanfiction#angst#fluff#the bear#carmy berzatto#carmen berzatto x you#carmen berzatto angst#carment berzatto fluff#carmy berzatto angst#the bear fx#ask
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INSECURE, SUCCESSION, THE BEAR CROSSOVER
If these girls met in grad school and became fast friends before Syd dropped out to go to culinary school....
Then SHIV (didn't want to because she knows how her family is), introduced her best friends to her brothers
OMG
Carmy would choke...
#the bear#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#carmy x syd#love#sydcarmy#slow burn#romance#relationship#carmy x claire#succession#insecure#richie jerimovich#jeremy allen white
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I can't explain how much I love that the nerds aren't insecure. They're not stammering and naive. They're confident and outspoken and honest. Peter is just as headstrong as Stephanie. Richie has the character to defy Max. Ruth and Grace are both open about their sexual desires to a certain extent (don't tell me that Grace ever denied that she was horny). The full-voiced performance by each singer adds to it and exemplifies it. The nerdy prudes are self-sure. That's why they're all so cool.
#nerdy prudes must die#starkid productions#starkid#grace chasity#richie lipschitz#pete spankoffski#ruth fleming#max jagerman#stephanie lauter
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Where To? | Delivery Fees
logline; Fix, after fix, after fix; at a point, you've gotta ask what you are.
[!!!] series history, this is the fifth; First, Second, Third, Fourth
portion; 8k+ (sorry, it's about to go down. Perfectly in time for your long Friday midnight read that you regret in the morning!)
possible allergies; birth/medical shenanigans (nothin' scary, tbh, unrealistic), Mikey heavy talks and thus, mentions of drug addiction, it's traumas, his death, and grieving! Tony makes a joke about being bisexual, and I simply can't apologize for this, I write the perspective I have, man.
pairing; Carmen âCarmyâ Berzatto & Fem Reader (aunt, mentions of bein' a mom, no pronouns? I think?)
this is by far, I think, the best (and longest) chapter so far, and if you don't leave me a paragraph (or several) detailing your thoughts and favourite moments, I will eat a lightbulb. And you will simply never hear from me again. Be warned,,,,,
Everyone works fast and efficient. Hospitality is used in two places for a goddamn reason. A well-oiled machine can switch gears on a dime.
Sydney gets a clean table cloth sample from a pile of off-whites theyâd been considering. She puts it down in the office, swiping it over the floor to cover up the grime. Does she close her eyes when she walks in, and trip over the chair on the ground? Yeah. But sheâs trying to be respectful of Natâs privacy, okay!?
Tina talks Nat through everything as she gets Nat to lay down, she finds your Carhartt jacket hanging the shelf, folds it, and tucks it under the small of Sugâs back for support.
Richie is in the front of house, yelling at Pete over the phone, both with disdain and love somehow? Thatâs fathers for you. Fak is respectfully standing in front of the office door with one pile of warm cloths and another pile dry. Was he yelled at when he initially tried to come in? Yes. Heâs handing them off to Sydney as needed now.
You scrub your hands clean, dry them, then start rolling on prep gloves at the sink. An apron is thrown around you, you turn your head just so, to see Carmen behind you, tying the neck and then waist of your apron for you.
Heâs focused on the knots, but he looks up at you for a split second, meeting your curious gaze, his only explanation is, âSâfaster.â You refocus on your gloves, because youâll go insane if you donât. Itâs a silent exchange.
When youâre both scrubbed and ready, Carmen takes the towels from Fak and you usher for him to switch places with Tina, who slips out along with Sydney.
Everyone else sits outside the office, hushed and worried, and it is just the three of you, in here. Technically four, if you think about it. He sits on his knees so Sugar can elevate her head on his lap. And on the other side of him, about to assist in the birth of his niece, between her legs, is you.
You situate yourself, hands at the ready to catch a baby, towel in your lap.
And if you can just pretend youâre wearing medical gloves instead of prep cook gloves, and scrubs instead of an old Beef apron, you can almost believe itâs three years ago and youâre riding in the back of an ambulance helping a new mom deliver a baby, and Mikey is still alive somewhere where you donât know him yet. You shake your head out of it. Thereâs not time for this.
âAlright, youâre doing a great job, just keep breathing, just keep pushingâ Sometimes talking helps, uh, with labour.â
âIâ What should I talk aboutâ?â
âOh, uhââ You look up at Carmen as if itâs gonna help you, and in a way, it does, âWhy donât you tell me baby names youâve been considering? You pick one out?â
âOh, oh Iâ Christâ I was thinking maybe, maybe Michaela? Is that stupid? Thatâs stupid, isnât it?â She warbles with a stinging level of insecurity.
âI donât think itâs stupid, Sug.â Carmenâs quick to jump in, swiping her hair out of her eyes. You nod in agreement, backing him up. âI donât think itâs stupid. Itâs a sweet sentimentâ Nobody gets to judge the way you mourn, Nat.â
She groans in pain, then groans more pitifully, like being struck with a sudden guilt, âTony!â
âYeah, yeah, Nat? Iâm here.â You take her hand.
âI was being a bitch before in the bathroom!â She whines this out like a drunk girlâs confession.
Youâre quick to lean forward to her, consoling her, as if she is in fact a drunk girl in the bathroom with you, âNononono, you were fineâ Hey, keep pushing, keep breathingâ You werenât beinâ any type a way, youâre good!â
âI was so judgy! I was just like my fucking momâ Oh my Godâ Am I gonna be my mom?!â
Carmen and you are lightning fast to usher and coo a myriad of denials and flat out âNoâs. When he gets the chance, he looks up and whispers to you, âWhat did she say to you?â
Heâs far too hung up on this, in this moment. You squint at him, whispering back, oozing with sarcasm, âShe can still hear you.â
âI saidâ I said âdidnât see you at the funeralâ! Like who says that!?â
Carmen should be looking at his sister, which makes his stare feels ten times more exposing, âYou didnât go to the funeral?â
You shrug, but you feel a mountain of guilt on that shrug, like fucking Atlas. âNeither did you.â
He squints back at you, head tilting just slightly, âYeah, butââ
âYou knew him so much better than we did and I justâ Youâre so intimidating!â
âIntimidating?â Looking at Carmenâs face, it doesnât look like he disagrees. Which only shocks you all the more.
âYes! You know, youâreâ Youâreââ
âYouâre like Mikey.â Carmen finishes for her. She nods, deliriously, trying to focus on her breathing.
âIn what way?â Youâre way too interested in this conversation, Goddamn it, look at the baby forehead, not the boy.
âYou donât talk like him or nothinâ, butââ
âItâs the air!â Sugar shrieks on âairâ, white knuckle gripping your hand. âYou just, you control the temperatureâ you make rooms easier to breathe in like he didâ And Iâ I wanted to push to see you make it harder to breathe like heâOh my God!â
âNat, youâre doing a fantastic job. The headâs a quarter way out, youâre doing âgreat.â You nod to Carmen, and wordlessly he knows to take your absolutely shattered hand out of her grasp and replace it with his. âAnd I try my best, but Iâ Yâknow what, this isnât the timeââ
âNo! Please, God, keep going!â She is clinging to your words like a telenovela. âThis is all I have to keep my mind off my vagina tearing open!â
You nod, you want to wring your hands together but youâre wearing latex gloves. âI justâ I didnât know your brother better than you did. I justâ I just knew him when he wasnât letting a lot of people know him.â
âHow didâ you become friends with Mikey?â
âDad was a fixerââ
âNo, I know how you met. How did you become friends?â
You pause. God, no oneâs ever called you on it. You've always been able to get away with a mere list of factors.
âI, uhâŠ. was a couple jobs in at the Beef, with my dad, and weâd spoken casually before, but I stepped out to get some air, and he was there, havinâ a smoke, and he offered to share, and when I said âOh, I donât smokeâ, heââ
You soften at the thought, eyes distant, smirking. âHe went âWhat, are you Amish?â And I guess, we just⊠Became friends over how detached and different I was, from everything else in his life. I didnât know anything about him before The Beef. I didnât come with expectations or social circles to rat on him to. I wasâ I was basically Amish, to him.â
You were his lock box. You had no way of using anything he ever said against him, and even if you could, you never would.
He could bitch about his successful baby brother in Denmark, and also rave over how excited he was about his successful baby brother in Denmark. He could do impressions of his little sister's cringey husband, and also show his relief in the fact that she will always be loved. He could tell you how scared he was, he could tell you what Uncle Lee saidâhe couldnât tell you he was using. No. He couldnât tell you. But you would find out, when you had to administer Narcan on him as he was passed out in the back alley of The Beef.
From there, there was nothing you didnât hear about, nothing he thought would be worth hiding, after that. A diary of confessions is carved into your heart. Your name is carved into your favourite booth at your second favourite diner, not two blocks from here. Itïżœïżœïżœs all the same handwriting.
You didnât know Mikey better than his siblings did, you just knew how he felt about the things they saw.
Natalieâs shrieking brings you back to earth, you re-cradle your hands for the very top of the babyâs head. Despite the pain sheâs in, she was right, your talking really is helping her keep the focus off her pain, âIsâIs that why you didnât go to the funeral?!â Sheâs not judgy or mad, she just canât say anything without full screaming it.
âI donâtâ I donât know if this exact moment is the best timeââ
âI decide what time it is!â
Carmen looks up at you, and for the first time, is wincing at the iron clad grip his sister has his hand inâ Ironically, the one with the stabbing tattoo. He wheezes, âSheâ She decides what time it is.â
âRight.â You nod at both of them, eyes wide. Your tone is hasty, youâd rather explain yourself well, but now you just have to explain yourself fast because the babyâs head is three quarters of the way out.
âWell, I, uh, yeahâ It was, it was tough. I didnâtâ I didnât want to watch a group of people Iâd heard so much about, good and bad, walk up on stage in front of a closed casketâ Nââ Nâ talk about like, cute childhood momentsâ When IâWhen I had seen, when I had only seen him at his worst. And Iâ I liked the Mikey I got, loved the Mikey I got, but I know those last two years were very different. And I guessâ I guess, I didnât wanna learn⊠What I missed.â
Thereâs a lot of reasons why you didnât go to the funeral, but thatâs the one you know sheâs going to find the most digestible and make some semblance of sense out of, right now.
She nods, repeatedly, deliriously, Carmen holds her head still. âIâmâ Iâm sorry, Tony.â
âI forgive you, Sug.â You nod back, reassuring, a soft smile for but a moment. âNow breathe, and one last big pushâ Headâs almost out! Smooth sailing from there, youâre doing so good!â
Just as frantic as Natalieâs screaming, thereâs doors slamming, yelling, and what sounds like tripping from outside the office, âNat! Iâm here! Iâm here! Iâm coming!â
âOh! Hold it in, Peteâs hereââ
âSugar, again, I hate to tell you this, not how that works!â
Itâs about an hour later, youâre sitting out in front of The Bear, on the curb, with Syd.
Tina headed home as soon as she could to get back to her family. Richie said heâs on âdaddy drop offâ for Eva tomorrow, so he had to head outâ And heâs Fakâs ride, so he left too.
Once the baby had been delivered, and youâd screamed at calmly communicated to Carmen to get the exact time for the birth certificate, and Pete had rushed in and almost slipped on the wet sheets and cracked his head openâ Everything was totally chill.
Peteâs driving his wife and daughter to Saint Anthony Hospital, where theyâll stay in holding for the next one to two days. Carmen refused to let you clean up on the basis of, âyou just delivered my niece, get the fuck outâ; and is inside, finishing that up. And so, you and Syd are perched up outside, getting some much-needed air, talking about nothing.
âThat was fuckingâ crazy.â
âI think I should start smoking.â Is all you can reply, laughing shakily, eyes on the starsâ Though thereâs not many. Shout out light pollution. You hug your arms, still in the same outfit, apron-less, jacket-less, cold as fuck.
Syd laughs, âYeah, thatâs the move. For sure.â She sighs, sipping water from a deli cup sheâd brought out. â...Iâm never fuckin' having kids.â
âNo, for sure.â You whistle, leaning back for dramatic effect, âI go back and forth on it a lot, and then I see a mom giving birth or dealing with her goblins and Iâm likeââ
You look to each other, speaking at the same time, âFree birth control!â
âGenuinely!â You snort, laughing through the words, âI leave cat food out on my fire escape for this one stray on my block, and I think that is as committal as Iâm willing to get with taking care of creatures.â
She sniffs, looking at you more peculiarly, still smiling, âI think youâd be a good mom, though.â
Your amused grin sobers into a wistful smile, âI think youâd be a good one, too. Both like taking care of people.â
She punches your shoulder, softly, obviously. âYou came through in an insane way, tonight.â When you try to wave it off, she doubles down, âI literally do not know what wouldâve happened without you. The Bear is literally in your debtâAndâAndâ You ditched your date, for us.â
You sigh, though smiling, âSyd, it wasnâtââ âIt was bad? It was so bad you were kinda wishing this would happen?â
The house lights of The Bear shut off and Carmen comes out as you respond, locking the door behind him.
âI cannot fathom a date so bad that I actively hope my friendâs sister goes into labour and needs me to deliver her kid.â
âSo it wasnât bad?â She leans forward onto her knees, like sheâs about to get the daily scoop.
âNot what I said, no, you keep cuttinââ
âYou cold?â Itâs Carmen who cuts you off this time, standing behind you both. You turn your head to him, still hugging your shoulders. He looks âŠstiffer than usual? Tense? You canât tell the adjective, he just looks⊠Different. Or maybe itâs just a default youâve never noticed. But you think you wouldâve noticed.
You stand up, as does Syd. âOh, yeah. I thought Iâd like⊠Rinse my Carhartt before I wear it again. Iâm good, though.â
He pauses where he is, like heâs computing, then shakes his head, âDonât act tough.â And takes off his jean-fleece jacket, holding it out for you. Who are you to refuse that?
When you reach for it, he pivots in time to put the sleeve over your arm for you, then the other. You quickly recall the walk-in, and suddenly this feels like divine retribution. God, itâs weird to be cared for in return. God, he cares for you? Donât start ruminating right now, holy shitâ
âThanks.â You cough, awkwardly, looking to Syd, pointing your fingers to both of them. âRide? Ride?â
Syd holds her bag over her shoulder, and you can already tell what sheâs gonna say. âIâll take theââ
âIf you say L instead of my fuckinâ car, itâs your ass, Adamu.â Itâs past twelve. No way.
ââŠIâll take the âyour fucking carâ, please.â She bows her head down, you throw your arm over her shoulder, dragging her with you. âThat's my girl!â
You turn your head over your shoulder to Carmy, his weird different demeanour has somewhat melted away, good enough. âYou comin? Iâm holding your jacket hostage this time, so you kinda have to.â
He follows close behind you two, sheepish. âYeah, yeah, Iâll take the ride.â
âWho wants to sit in the back?â
âIsnât the hot-seat sâposed to be shotgun?â Syd questions.
âYou know, people say that, but thatâs for when you wanna socialize, when itâs late you wanna sprawl in the back and pretend youâre the last person on earth.â
âYou make a compelling argument, my friend.â Syd taps her nose, grinning. She calls to Carmy behind her. âI call the back!â
âIs it bad if I donât check on my dad, while Iâm here?â You park in front of Sydâs place. You know it well, your dads live on the same block. âNo, right? Itâs twelve in the morning and no matter what you both say, I think I do still smell vaguely of afterbirth.â
âIf I were your dad, I think I would prefer to not be visited, right now, yeah.â Syd nods, taking her seat-belt off.
âWoww,â You eye her through the rear-view mirror, âYou donât love your daughter, Syd? Wouldnât get up at midnight for me?â Carmen laughs from the sidelines into his fist, leaned against the window.
âOf course I would, my sweet child!â She snickers, reaching forward to pinch and pull your cheek, you slap her hand away. âAlright, fuck off.â
When she pulls back and goes to grab her stuff, you remember. âOh! There should be a lilâ gift bag, somewhere on the ground back there?â
âYeah,â She procures the bag, lifting it up to her head for you to see. âThis thing?â
You nod, âOpen it.â
âOh what!?â She groans, before even opening it, âYou got me a present and have saved me twice? Did you kill a loved one of mine or something?â
You laugh, shrugging. âBloodlust is insatiable. But, yâknow, Iâm proud of you for opening and getting Head, I wanted to commemorate, or whatever.â You shove Carmenâs shoulder, getting his attention, âYours is coming, by the way, I just need a lilâ more time on it.â
He seems perplexed by the idea that youâre getting him a gift, even though you already told him you would, but he nods. Syd unbags her present, âWhatâŠ?â
In a small box, with a clear lid so she can see through, is a white Dickie peter pan style collar. Tacked onto both lapels are gold circular collar pins. On the left one, it has the initial S, and the other A; both in gold over a white background. A thin gold chain connects the two pins, across the neck. All fake gold, duh, youâre not rich. But itâs still gorgeous. And thoughtful.
ââYou lose all sense of identity, in a restaurant.ââ You repeat her own words back to her, looking at her through the rear-view mirror, smiling. âI thought maybe a little extra personal touch on the uniform would help with that. The collarâs really just to explain how the fuck it works, but I also sweat so much in your kitchen, so I thought it could be useââ Syd cuts into your ramblings, swinging her arm over your headrest to hug you, more like choke. But with love, so you hug her arm back. ââFull.â
âYouâre a great daughter, Tony.â She squeezes. âThank you.â You just squeeze her arm back.
She shows the gift off to Carmen, who seems genuinely impressed, he canât stop glancing between the gift and you. You remember things. âBeautiful, Chef.â
âOh, oh oh, before you goââ You snap your fingers, âIâm coming to the wedding gig, fuckinâ uh⊠Vickie and Merman? That canât be rightâŠâ
âYouâre coming to Vinnie and Miraâs wedding?â Ah, count on Carmen to know names. It's his family, after all. Or family adjacent? Unsure.
You nod, âBartending. Cicero got me. Youâre catering?â
He nods, â30k is 30k.â Syd backs him up. âItâd be fucking stupid, if we said no, especially since theyâre taking expenses.â
âWe should like, coordinate or somethingââ âWait!â
Syd interrupts, clutching the shoulders of your seat and Carmenâs. âWhen did you see Cicero?â
âUh, couple hours ago? When you were spamming?â
Syd squints, looking into the middle distance like sheâs just cracked a case wide open. Hot outfit. Denial of dates. Cicero. âOh my god... Ciceroâs your sugar daddy?â
âWhat?!â Lightning speed, both you and Carmen yell. Probably for entirely different reasons and confusions.
âNo! Syd, I was at workââ âWell, it is a type of jobââ âI am not doing any sort of code for Sugar Baby activities! I was at a real place of business and he was there, he asked me to bartend, he said yâall would be there.â You gesture with your hands wildly as a form of enunciation.
âRightâŠâ She opens the door behind her, eye contact un-breaking. âIâm gonna figure you outâŠâ
You roll your eyes, waving goodbye with one hand, flipping her off with the other. âText me your hotel plans for New York, loser. We can split a room.â
âOkay, loser! See you. See you tomorrow, Carm!â She waves you off, shutting the car door behind her. Carmen waves back to her. Once sheâs safely inside, he turns to you. You speak before he can.
âListen, thereâs something about being around your childhood friend, and also around your old neighbourhood, dropping her off at home like you used to in high school, that makes you completely age regress into a sixteen-year-old.â
He smiles, putting his hands up in defense. âI didnât say shit.â
âI could feel the judgment, radiating.â
âI, I wasnâtââ He chuckles awkwardly, scratching his nose to hide his eyes. âI thought it was cool. To uh, see, a different side toâto both of you.â
âAwe.â You pull off the curb, driving off. âWonder what you were like, as a teen.â
He laughs, âA fuckinâ loser, is what.â
âEh, I was too.â
âNo, you werenât.â
âOh? We go to the same fuckinâ high-school, Berzatto?â You flick your gaze from the road to him for a moment. âI think I wouldâve remembered.â
He rolls his eyes, though you donât see it, back on the road. âYou wouldnât have been a loser. Not like, like me level loser, at least.â
âYeah?â
âYeah. Too nice.â
âThatâs true. I was an angel.â You hum. âI was well known but not popular, I tended to hang out with the more fringe people. Also, I was fucking depressed, I missed like, half my junior year with fake sick days.â
âHm.â He crosses his arms, leaning against the head rest, tilting his vision to you. âI wouldâve thought you were cool.â
âI wouldâve thought you were cool, too.â You smile. âI bet we wouldâve been friends.â
He just hums in reply, not confirming or denying, lost in thought. He tilts his head back to look at the road. You speak up after a moment, âWhere are we headed, by the way?â
 He straightens up in his seat immediately, leaning forward. âOh, oh right, fuck, directionsââ
âThat, but also like, I can drop you somewhere elseâ Like, not home.â
âLike?â
Like your place. âLike uh, I dunno, if you wanted to go to the hospital? If youâre like⊠A hospital family?â
He snorts, âA hospital family?â
âLike, for my nephew, I didnât go to the hospital, I met him a week later. But you did already meet your nieceâ So maybe you get a pass?â
âYeah, I donât think weâre a hospital family, anymore, anyways.â Ah. The silent knowing. The glue that was there is gone. âYou have a nephew?â
âYeah, you wanna see photos?â
âOh, uh, yeahââ
âIâm fucking with you.â You chuckle, âNo one wants to see photos. But I do have a nephew.â You click your teeth. âYou have now joined me at Aunt and Uncle status, people will congratulate you despite the fact that you contribute nothing to becoming one. Congratulations.â
You reach a hand out, awkwardly shaking his hand for a second before right back to the wheel. Itâs hard to move one hand up and down and also drive. Carmen just shakes his head, chuckling. A win.
âWe could also go shopping.â You shrug. âBuy your niece some baby shit? Or, youâre tired, so I should probably just drop youââ
âLetâs go shopping, yeah.â Heâs quick to interrupt, pivoting to face you. Anything to keep the night going, with you. âIf uh, if you want.â
âThereâs always something I need to re-up on, Iâm down.â You nod to him, more specifically, his phone in his lap. âCan you find the nearest 24/7 department store, for me?â
âYeah, yeah.â He fiddles with his phone, getting directions, then balances it on the console so you can see. Thereâs a lull of comfortable silence as the adrenaline from you two delivering a fucking baby wears off. God, the trauma bond between you is as thick as a lead pipe at this point. You canât tell if thatâs a good thing. You donât want to find out.
Heâs first to break the silence. âLeft up here.â Just reading you the directions, and then tacks on, as you take the left. ââŠWhere were you, when we called?â
You groan, though smiling, âNot you fuckinâ too, Carmy!â
âIââ He laughs, disingenuous, you can tell. âI just wanna know, if, if we really did interrupt somethinâ for you.â
âYou wanna know if I went on a date.â Not a question, a statement.
His mouth opens, shuts, opens. He shrugs. âA little.â
âWhy, you wanna ask me out?â
What. What. What. What. Whyâ Whereâ WhoâHuh? Crash the car. Why did you say that? Why would you say that? Crash the car right now. Veer into that streetlamp. Kill both of you. Instantly. Those should be your last words. Do it. Do it!
You cough, clearing your throat after a solid one second of silenceâ Eons too long. âI wasâ I was actually at work. Not lying to make you feel better. Didn't ruin shit, for me.â Youâre certain youâre fumbling this, as you fake laughter at your cool joke, definitely a joke because he literally broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and that was an insane thing to say. Disrespectful, even. Â
Heâs silent, for a good few seconds, which again, centuries. If you were looking at him instead of the road, youâd see he looks like a deer in headlights, but like, a deer that is somewhat hoping he does get hit by that car.
ââŠWhatâs your work?â He flits between you and the GPS. âStraight through this intersection.â
âBartender.â
âWhat bar?â
âYou wouldnât know it.â
âThatâs why Iâm asking. Take a right up here.â
You turn your head to look right, and also at him. Heâs looking at you expectantly. You grimace, taking the turn. Heâs not gonna let this go. ââŠEdenâs.â
He squints. ââŠIsnât thatââ
âVIP bar and club, yes.â
He backs up in his seat, thinking. Prodding at his inner cheek. âYouâre aââ
âAlright, Iâm a fuckinâ bottle girl, Carm!â You groan, wanting to say the realization before he could. âI do bar tooâ And I have been a sommelier, but yes, I am a fuckinâ âthrow around bottles with flashlights strapped to themâ girl.â
âTurn into there, up left.â He crosses his arms, youâve raised your voice but he hasnât. âIs it⊠Good?â
You sigh, âTips are good. And I tend to get put on bar. Iâm only on-call, itâs just when theyâre down someone and Iâm down on services for the month.â
He nods, slow, pensive. You shrug, turning into the lot of the department store. A Target. The nice Target, too. âGotta make rent somehow, yâknow?â
He nods again, very clearly lost in thought. You park the car, in a relatively empty lot. Heâs still thinking; you turn to him. ââŠYou good, Carm?â
He turns his head up to you, at a molasses like speed. The gears are visibly turning in his head. âWhat if you worked at The Bear?â
ââŠHuh?â
âYou could, you could do bar.â
âYou donât have a bar.â
âYou could make drinks, in the back. We donât have a drinks guy.â
You take a deep breath, thinking. That is really, what you want. Youâd be at The Bear, every day. Itâd feel like home. Youâd spend time with your second family instead of an ever-turning roster of old male customers. Your coworkers at Eden arenât bad, but you never quite clicked as family. Not like you did at The Beef. Not like you did at The Bear. Youâre staring at Carmen, and his face is slowly morphing into a golden ticket.
Carmen wants you to quit. Carmenâs maybe never wished for the downfall of someoneâs career more than right now. Or maybe itâs an uptick? He wants your success, really. The Bear would be an upgrade. Youâd be at his restaurant, in his uniform. In the back, making drinks, where no oneâs going to look at you, whistling, turning heads. You could make him lavender coffee, every morning. He could put it on the menu. You could work on a cocktail menu together. An evening coffee menu, too, maybe. He could spend the rest of his miles to send you to Paris, have you visit wineries to learn about different types of grapes and shit. He could come with you, maybe, if he got the time off. Whoâs he kidding. Heâll never get the time off. But you could send him photos. An entire lifetime is rolling on in Carmenâs head, as he waits for your answer.
âYou can hire me.â
Thereâs a wreath of grapevines, cascading over your shoulders, but then you poke his shoulder, andâ âWhenââ they vanish. ââYou can afford to.â
He squints, heart stuttering. âWe-We can affordââ
âNo the fuck you canât.â You interrupt, shaking your head. âYou and Syd are unpaid, right now, Iâm not coming on until I see you cashing cheques.â
The coffee in his head hasnât gone cold just yet. âBut you will come work for us?â
You smile, nodding. You put your hand out for him to shake on it, he does. âYouâve got a promised bartender, Berzatto.â
Heâs beaming, heâs trying to hide it, but his eyes are too bright for one in the morning. Itâs impossible to not see it. But he keeps his cool persona, just nodding. âCool. That's cool. Letâs uh, letâsââ
You smack your thigh, opening your car door. âLetâs get fucking going!â
Itâs a ghost town in the store. Youâre pretty sure you could rob this place blind, and not a single worker would bat an eyeâ If thereâs even an employee here right now. You stroll through aisles relatively quicklyâ Carmen doesnât have to wake up insanely early tomorrow, since The Bear doesnât currently have a morning scheduleâ But he does have to get up at a decent time for Syd, whoâs coming over to rework the menu.
Yeah, he took your advice. Heâs working on being a better partner. Heâs even grabbing ingredients that spark something in him, mumbling cooking terms you couldnât utter back to him if you tried. Itâs a stunning sight, to watch him work in this way. In his element.
Which makes him, in the Childrenâs Department, completely out of his element, look so much funnier.
âWhat the fuck do you buy a baby?â He stares down the aisle, alarmed, confused, possibly a touch scared. He turns his head to you, expectant, as though youâre a prophet whoâll save him. âWhat the fuck did you get your nephew?â
You shrug, counting on your hand. âA Peter Rabbit book, a teething toy that doubles as a stuffy, and a onesieâOr I think theyâre called rompers? When they donât go all the way to the feet?â
He squints, scratching behind his ear. âDo they use any of that shit, when theyâre new?â
âNo.â You deadpan. âBut, my brother reads to him at night and baby switched from holding to teething pretty easy when the time came. Clothes are honestly the most useless. They outgrow that shit in two seconds.â
He nods, looking nowhere, thinking. âBear and book?â
âBear and book. Plus something for your sister.â
âLike what?â
âIâm not giving away my ideas.â
âYouâre getting her something?â
âHow havenât you gotten my love language is acts of service and gifts at this point?â
âYou could gift me with an idea.â
You cannot bite back the smile on your face. You shake your head and roll your eyes, walking ahead to get the bear and book. âIâm getting her a heating pad. You can get her bubble bath shit.â
The bear is cute. Itâs incredibly squishable, heâs got adorable heart shaped nose and blue instead of pink on his ears. Youâre holding the babe, since Carmenâs basket is full of groceries and you didnât want to get the sweet little gentleman dirty. Carmen does not like that you keep calling the bear a sweet little gentleman. You do it more.
You offer up the Berenstain Bears for a book, he simply walks away from you. Oh, suddenly itâs bad to make this childâs life entirely bear themed? What world do we live in? You agree on Frog and Toad.
You split up for a couple minutes, heâs getting soaps on one end of the store, youâre getting a heating pad on the other. Plus the smallest bottle of bleach you can find.
It is a bizarre sight, you imagine, for the greeters watching you. Walking around, clutching a bear to your chest, holding a bottle of bleach in one hand, a boxed up electric heating pad in the other. Wearing a jean jacket thatâs both a little too big for you and yet too small to button over your chestâand if theyâre paying attention, underneath, a red leather corset. God, itâs one in the morning. Your makeup has probably melted off by now.
When you meet back up, heâs in the Hygiene aisle, relaxing bubble bath with Epsom salts already in his basket. Good Carm, he learns fast. Even better, heâs in the Menâs Hygiene section.
âŠStaring at Old Spice scents.
Your entire system completely reboots for no good reason. You blue screen mid-step. Thank God, his back is to you, so he doesnât catch this. You sidle up next to him, coolly, squatting down to look at the scents on the bottom shelf.
âEvery lesbian I know uses Wolfthorn.â
He turns his head to look down at you, flattening his lips in a line to not laugh. âYou want me to smell like a lesbian?â
You tilt your head to look up at him, shrugging. âYou currently smell like a bisexual.â
He still smells like you. Well, mostly he smells like seared meat and fish, but underneath that, he smells like your soap and shampoo.
He snorts, taken aback slightly by the subtle come out, covering the bottom half of his face with his free hand.
âYou should get the fuckinâŠâ You stand, finger waving over the bottles looking for the right one. âThe relaxing one. Get all the advantages you can.â
He hums, âYou like lavender?â
âIn doses.â You shrug, swallowing. He thinks youâre intimidating? You feel like youâre under a microscope, the way he looks to you. âI get a headache, when itâs too strong.â
He nods, grabs the Bearglove scented one, and starts walking. Not letting you question the choice. You hurriedly follow after, heading to the self-check-out with him. He walks and talks. âWhatâs with the bleach?â
You stare at him for a long while, squinting. He stops walking to face you. âWhat?â
âIâm debating whether or not I tell you.â
âAre you gonna poison me?â
You click your teeth and snap your fingers, âawe shucksâ. âYouâve foiled my plan.â
He smiles, but looks at you expectantly. You shrug, you must acquiesce. âItâs for your present.â
âYou said you hate the painting in The Bear, so Iâm making you a new one.â
Itâs his turn to blue screen. You add, âIf you end up hating it, you donât have to put it up, but I wanted to take a shot at making a piece thatâs you, like you wanted.â
All he can bring himself to do is nod, because if he doesnât, heâll spill his guts in the middle of this Target. Â âIâll hold off on getting a new one, then.â
He taps his card before you can, when you use self-checkout. He shrugs when you grumble about this. âI owe you gas money.â
âYou did not owe me thirty dollars of gas money.â
âThen Iâve got credit in advance.â
Itâs half past one in the morning, when you park in front of his place. Two nights in a row, this is gonna fuck with your schedule⊠Eh, when did you ever really have a schedule?
âThank you.â He turns to you with a striking certainty, swallowing. âLike. For everything. I think I couldâve died every single day for the past few days, if you werenât there.â
When you open your mouth to brush off the thank you, because he knows youâll brush off the thank you, he hovers a finger in front of your face, shushing you. âDonât give me that âno big dealâ shit, neither. Itâs been a big fuckinâ deal to me.â
You sigh, nodding, you take his hand where it hangs in the air, bringing it down. Youâre still holding it. Youâre hoping he forgets that you are. He absolutely won't. ââŠI just donât like it when people feel like they owe me. Other than, yâknow, doing actual handyman shit for money.â
He nods, âI donât feel like I owe you. I want to pay it back.â
You shrug, âYouâve fed me every day. So, thatâs kind of a huge return.â
âYou delivered a baby.â
âListen, Iâm just trying to make you feel better.â You lift your hands in defense, letting go of his hand. You regret it. âIâm very cool, we know.â
âYou are.â He chuckles, but his words are sincere. Why is he looking at you so hard?
âWhat?â You cross your arms, looking back at him.
âYou delivered a baby.â He repeats, wonderment in his voice.
You nod. âNot the first time. Which is lucky, not every paramedic has experienced a code O-B. I donât wanna give you an unrealistic expectation.â
âHow was that?â
âThe code O-B?â
He tilts his head back and forth, âkindaâ. âBeing a paramedic.â
âHard.â You nod, straightening up. âHard. Went to school for two years, straight out of high school. Spent three years as a first responder. It was⊠Fucked. I cut like...â
You chuckle when you say it, shaking your head, but the feeling isnât amusement, âEveryone out of my life. Not on purpose, just by design. The hours are insane, obviously, and my co-workers⊠Like, you expect to be the youngest in the room, and so, when youâre surrounded by kids your age, breaking some grandmaâs ribs, doing C-P-R in the back of a shrieking, speeding truckâŠâ You trail off, looking down.
âItâs uh⊠It was tough, yeah.â You sniff, not crying, just filling silence, looking back up at him.
He nods, ââŠThat sounds pretty fuckinâ tough, yeah.â Heâs thankful that you gift him with a laugh, however dry. âAnd you just switched to, to handiwork?â
You shrug, so-so. âI wouldâve kept doing it, is the thing. Which is kinda scary to say. But, basicallyâ In the free time I did have, my dad, who owned Chicagoâs Kindest, would ask me to come fix shit with himâ Which, would seem tiring, but he really just made me hold a flashlight and hand him shit, most of the time. It was more like⊠His dad way of asking to hang out.â
âAnd uh, itâs a old family business, right. Heâs been doinâ that shit since I was born. And uh, when he startedââ You flex your hands and fingers, cracking them, staring at them. âGettinâ arthritis and all the other fun old people weaknesses, I started working and he started holding the flashlight⊠It was kind of a no brainer, when he told me he had to retire. To make the switch, I mean.â
You click your teeth, looking back up at him after a moment, âSorry, Iâm fuckinâ talking too muchââ âNo, no.â
âIâ I, Itâs good when you talk too much.â You do not notice the way his jaw grinds, for just a second. Cursing himself out in his head for bowing out at the last minute there.
âYeah?â
âYeah.â
You lean your arm on the shoulder of your seat, then your head against your arm. âYeah, good bedtime story, at least.â You check the time on your phone. Almost two. âYouâve gotta fuckinâ go to bed. Youâre probably gonna need to meet with Uncle J, anyways.â
ââŠOh fuck.â He rubs his hand over his face when he realizes.
You continue, nodding, cringing for him. âMaternity leave, catering gigâ Youâre in for a fuckinâ day tomorrow, Berzatto. Need your beauty sleep.â
He swallows, nodding repeatedly, head in hands. âYeah, yeah, I do.â He laughs, halfheartedly. âThank you. Uh, for all the shit, again, and the ride. And the detour.â
You shrug, âWelcome. More fun with you, anyways.â
He nods, eyes going from straight at you to literally anywhere else. He fiddles with the door handle for a moment, though heâs turned towards you, not the door. It looks like heâs having a wrestling contest with his own brain. Youâre not sure who, but someone wins. âI, I uh, do want to, by the way.â
You furrow your brows, a little worried, honestly. âWant to do what?â
âAsk you out.â
âŠ
Itâs sort of like, all the facilities of your stupid brain shut off. You think the teenager tripped over an important wire and every thought and ability to contextualize feelings has left. The same has happened to him, of course, and now it just comes down to both of your now palaeolithic brains to rapid fire responses to each other.
He adds, âNot right now, but, eventually. After, y'know, weâ we know each other better.â
You nod. He continues, rambling. âAnd Iâveâ I canât split my time, right now. Iâve gotta-gotta focus on The Bear, right now, and- and Syd, right now.â
âThat should be priority, yeah.â
ââIâm not expecting you to waitâOr-Or even sayâ.â
âI will.â
Itâs his turn to go mum. You play with the stray baby hairs on the back of your neck, explaining.
âThe timing right now, like, could not be worse for you.â
âRight.â
âYou just started a new business,â ââYeahââ âThat youâre 800k in the hole for,â ââA little lessââ âYou just went through a break up.â
âNot a rebound.â Heâs quick to assure, with a certainty. âIf thatâsâIf thatâs a concern.â
You smile, shaking your head, âNot a concern for me, concerned for you. I just wanted to agree with you, that the time for it isnât right now.â
He laughs, softly, through an exhale. âYou donât wanna convince me otherwise?â
You laugh, shaking your head. You straighten up, putting your hands down. You feel bolder. Heâs sort of asked you out, heâs called you pretty, he smells like you, youâre wearing his jacket, heâs staring at your mouth. No risky half-joke is gonna get rid of you now. Probably.
âIâm not gonna lie to you, just so youâll fuck me, Carm.â
Itâs like, a sleeper agent activates, in his brain. Like youâve done the fucking Konami code. He goes from nerve wracked to nerve wracking. Reaching over the console, fast, hand on the back of your head, pulling you while also meeting you in the middleâ And heâs about to go for it, not give you a second to reject him, before he thinks better. Well, kind of.
Holding you there, âIâm going to kiss you.â Itâs not posed as a question, but itâs functioning as one.
You stare, wide eyed, taking in his features. Taking in his already waning confidence. ââŠSure.â
And he does. And heâs realizing, as he pushes you towards him, pressing his mouth to yours, that this is so so so different, from Claire. You are not going to distract himâ In a good way. You wouldnât let him. Youâre prioritizing him, even when that means you need to wait on him. You want to know him, first. He wants to know you. You were being funny, sure, when you said you wouldnât lie to fuck himâ But God, think of how much that means. He sure is. And now, that he knows you have so much respect for his work, his mind, his body, and are happy to just get to know him as a friend firstâto give him the space and time he needsâ He immediately wishes he'd never asked for said space.
He's holding your head to him, unyieldingâUnless you signalled otherwise, but you havenât yet. At the same time, heâs also pushing your shoulder back, pushing you back, leaning over the center console. He's realizing he's never really gotten the idea of wanting to give oneself and take another. Heâs taking in everything, taking everything youâre willing to give.
He knows your conviction well enough, at this point, when it comes to others. Heâs asked for time, and that essentially means, the second he stops, heâs going to be locked off from doing this again. He has to give everythingâthen take everything he can. Ration it out, over weeks. God, what if itâs months? You wouldnât hold this from him for months, surely?
You tap his neck, gently, and he swears he hearsâ Feels a gasp. A moan? Donât think about it. He pulls away, just a few centimetres. He smells like you. He still smells like you. Staring. Soft, scary, eye contact. Itâs two in the morning, your makeup has melted, your lip gloss has evaporated, but it doesnât look like it. No. Theyâre perfectly wet, blush pink bottom lip. Donât think about it. He thinks about it; he doesnât think about his next sentence. You speak at the same time, and for the first time, donât say the same thing.
âDo you wanna come up?â
âYouâve gotta go, Carmy.â
He shakes his head; you canât be serious. Youâre so sweet, and now youâd be so cruel? You laugh at him, incredulous. He swallows, correcting himself, âCome up andâAnd sleepover, just that. Make you breakfast, again.â He kisses you, again, selfish. He knows that. Heâs at peace with it.
âCarmy,â Good start, that deserves a kiss. ââas much as Iâd love to see your apartmentââ
âYouâd hate it.â He cuts you off, God, it looks like youâre gonna keep talking, and heâs going to have to respect that. He switches to your jawline. âI donât have a bookshelf.â
âYouâ Hold on, you donât have a bookshelf, Carmen?â
âDonât say my name like that.â
âDonât bite! How many books do you have?â
âNinety-one. Cookbooks. I narrowed down for the move.â
âWhere do youâ Christâ Keep ninety-one books?â
âFloor.â
âFloor?!â
âI told you youâd hate it.â
âI donât hate it, I justâ You deserve to have nice things.â
He pulls back again, staring at you, practically wheezing heâs breathing so heavy. He thinks on it for a second, this time. He wants nice things, too. You make him believe he deserves nice things. You're why he took a chance, took a risk, and told you he wanted to see if more could happen. He believes he deserves nice things. Nice you.âCome up.â
This motherfucker is evil, you think. Heâs asked you to hold a conviction, asked you to hold a level of patience, for him. And youâre trying so hard to hold that convictionâ While heâs actively trying to make you break it the second heâs decreed it. Youâre hanging by a thread here. You cradle his face in both hands, kissing him on your own accord, this time. He takes this as meaning heâs supposed to go insane again. You laugh, and that makes it hard for him to not laugh too, which makes it hard to kiss you.
âCarmy.â You hold him back by his shoulders, just slightly. Giggling. Youâre smiling, he can get you to fold, if he puts his mind to it. âYouâve got Syd coming over in the morning, all weekââ
âNot until noon.â
âBaby, not the point.â Oh, pet names. Good. You called him Sweetheart when he was locked in the freezer, and that was all his brain had to work with until now. God, why did he say he wanted to get to know you first? You can do two things at the same time. You're multi-faceted.
âThe soonerââ You wheeze, looking at him, he looks insane. âThe sooner you go get sleep, the sooner the morning will come, the week will go by, youâll start being able to pay yourself, soon enough. Iâll become your barback, youâll be able to take time for yourself, and youâll ask me out.â
He stares at you, thinking. ââŠI donât think itâd go any fasterââ âCarmen!â You squeeze his face with one hand. âBedtime!â
He nods, finally, escaping his fugue state. âOkay.â He reaches into the back to grab his grocery bags. Christ, donât look at the midriff, motherfucker, lock in! Lock it in!
You start to peel off his jean jacket to return it, heâs quick to stop you.
âKeep it. Wear it to work. Til you quit.â He looks at you, considering something once again, groceries in hand. ââŠWear this too.â
After he finally gets out, and you wave to him from your window, waiting for him to get inside safely. You drive off, heading home. You take a long fucking breath. Slowly, your motor skills and cognitive abilities return to you.
You take one hand off the steering wheel, fishing out your rope chord necklace from your pocket. You rub your thumb over the plastic pendant, a year-old self-soothing method, by now.
You think about something Mikey said off-handedly, quite often, you squint, staring at the road ahead, perplexed, driving home with the first hickey youâve had in a minute. You shout out in your car, pleading for an answer from beyond the grave here.
âMikey, are you sure heâs a virgin?!â
Before we even, start here-- Number one, I'm sure you've forgotten at this point, but I will eat that lightbulb, motherfucker-- I just wrote 8k, I need my k of thoughts in return!! What'd you like! What stuck out to you! Favourite lines/moments!
What even happened in this chapter, deadass, I can't remember it all. Let's try to summarize.
Birth (woah!)
Mikey talks, a lil more of their friendship revealed, cute
Syd and Tony being cute as hell. Speaking of, I'm Desi, so I write Tony like a WOC-- I don't think it makes a huge difference to their dynamic, but I felt like noting it. Oh, Tony's gift!! Collar pins!!
Jacket exchange program, fr.
We would've been friends in highschool.
Why!!! You wanna ask me out!!!??? (crashes car)
Haha, what if you worked for me? (imagines a full perfect life together) I'm so normal.
(buys the brand of body wash you like) (specifically doesn't get the one that could give you a headache after a prolonged period of time) (even if it's the relaxing one) This is what normal people do.
Paramedic/Chicago's Kindest backstory!
(pseudo) ASKS OUT!! TENATIVELY!! REALLY JUST GOT SO FUCKING SCARED BY THE IDEA OF YOU GOING ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT THAT HE HAD TO TAKE THE PLUNGE.
kith.
That was the coin flip, btw. Hehehe. Heads he goes full smooch, Tails you go 'alright, sick, see u later', and he leaves. I could see it going either way. Carmen's a reserved guy. I knew I was going to make him state his interest, because I wanted to try out a lil something new. In the past, I've had the climax of a romance be 'omg we like each other how nice', and I wanted to try out the idea of these two knowing they like each other, and basically trying to maintain that. Thought it'd be fun.
Oh, this one's serious. I gotta know-- Good kiss? God I feel like someone's first boyfriend. I do not write sequences of intimacy. I go 'they fucking kiss, hurray, next scene'. And so, I really gave it my all here. I hope it turned out. I think Carm and Tony had so much tension piled on top of so much trauma that it simply couldn't have not been so feral.
Anyways, I expect an essay on my desk tomorrow. Thesis statements with supporting evidence, motherfucker. I love u. I hope u liked it <3
I start my job next week so I'm trying to write as much as possible before then, lmao.
Next Part
#carmen berzatto#carmen berzatto imagine#carmen berzatto x reader#carmen berzatto x you#carmen x reader#carmy berzatto#carmy x reader#the bear fanfiction#the bear x reader#carmy the bear#the bear fx#the bear#carmen berzatto x female reader
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Vienna. One.
Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same.
pairing - carmen berzatto x reader
warnings - cursing. references to mikeyâs death.
word count - 2k
authors note - strap in, this oneâs gonna be a rollercoaster!! canât wait to get into this a little more. I love this show, and weâre gonna have so much fun getting lost in that world. this series is going to make you laugh, cry, scream, and want to throw your phone at my head. get ready <3
as always, reblogs, comments and feedback (even anonymous feedback!!) are immensely appreciated!! your reblogs are the only way to circulate my fics, which keeps me going <3
part two. series masterlist. inbox. masterlist.
home (hĆm) - the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
â” â”  ·ă â” ăă * · â”
Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same.
Youâve been staring at the outside of the building for fifteen minutes.
It looks so different that you had to check the street sign, ensuring you are where you thought you were.
The Bear.
It was The Beef, the last time you were here. Stood in this very spot, tears dripping down your face, you bid farewell to the life you once knew.
Now youâre back.
It looks slick, professional, high end. Itâs all polished glass and sharp edges, a drastic contrast from what once stood here.
You wonder what Michael would think.
The thought sends a pang of sadness through your heart, which you shake off as quickly as possible. Today should be a happy day, you remind yourself. Emphasis on should.
You take a deep breath and try the door of the restaurant, surprised when you find it unlocked. Walking inside, you have to stop and take in whatâs in front of you.
No more sticky floors or peeling paint or arcade machines. No more flickering lights or red pleather booths or plastic cutlery.
The restaurant youâre currently stood in is slick, spotlessly clean, perfectly laid out. Itâs like something out of a magazine. Youâre in shock, bewildered by the transformation.
âHoly shit.â
The kitchen door has swung open, and across from you stands Richie Jerimovich.
âAm I hallucinating, or what?â
You laugh, and before you know it, heâs striding towards you, throwing his arms out for you to jump into. He wraps you in a bear hug, spinning you in circles like when you were a kid. Youâre dizzy when he puts you down, his hand grabbing your shoulder to steady you on your feet.
âYou hallucinate often these days, old man?â
âOld man,â he scoffs. âYeah fuckinâ right. Do I look old to you?â
âYou want me to answer that?â
He shoves you playfully, shaking his head.
âThought I was seeing ghosts when I saw you stood in here.â
âIf anyoneâs hallucinating, itâs me. How⊠how did you do this? Itâs like a whole new restaurant, Cousin.â
âPretty cool, huh?â
âReally cool. I think I stood and stared at the sign outside for like twenty minutes. Seriously.â
He throws an arm around your shoulders, pulling you in.
âHeâd have liked it, right?â
You can hear the slight waver in his voice, well disguised insecurity peeking through.
âHeâd have fucking loved it, Richie.â
He presses a kiss into your hair, bumping your hip with his affectionately.
âSo what, youâre like, a big boss here now?â
âIâm in charge of front of house, actually. Iâve been professionally trained and shit. Oh, guess what?â
âWhat?â
âI wear suits now. Every night.â
âYouâre kidding. Bet you wear them well, too,â you tease, laughing when he kicks your foot with his. âYou always scrubbed up well.â
âYou gotta see it for yourself. Weâll make you up a table tonight, get you to try everything.â
âOh, no, itâs okay. Iâm not gonna put you guys out like that.â
âVi, youâre not putting us out. And you and I both know Carmen isnât going to take no for an answer.â
Your heart skips a beat at the very mention of his name.
âI just donât want to be an inconvenience.â
âBabe,â he practically whines, pulling you into him, âyou are never an inconvenience. For any of us.â
âOkay, okay,â you relent, resting your head on his arm. âI canât wait.â
Richie grins, excitement vibrating off him.
âOkay, let me look at you. You look good, Vi!â
You mock a twirl, spinning with a curtsy for good measure.
âI like your hair like this,â he compliments, plucking at a strand. âSuits you.â
âThanks, Casanova,â you laugh. âHowâs Eva?â
âOh, sheâs good. So good. Did you see all the pictures I posted from the Taylor Swift concert? Iâm officially the best dad in the world.â
âI did, and they were the cutest thing Iâve ever seen. Sheâs so big, now. Canât wait to see her soon.â
âIâm sure sheâll be excited to see you. Cousin tells her stories about you all the time.â
ââŠhe does?â
âAre you kidding? Of course he does. Sugar does too.â
A cool sense of relief washes over you. Itâs nice to know that they havenât forgotten about you, as stupid as it sounds. Thereâs something comforting about knowing they still talk about you, even when youâre gone.
He plants a kiss on the crown of your head as the kitchen door flies open once again. Marcus, Tina and Ebra file in, along with a girl youâve never met before. Theyâre looking at you with curious expressions on their faces when you hear it.
âDoes anyone know where the fuck I put my good knife?â
When he doesnât get an answer, he strides into the restaurant, stopping in his tracks at the sight of you at Richieâs side.
He tries to speak, but he canât.
Instead, he practically runs across the room, wrapping his arms around you as your feet leave the floor.
You bury your head into the crook of his neck, breathing in the smell of home that youâve missed so much. Heâs murmuring into your ear, but you canât for the life of you work out what heâs saying. Itâs all low and slow, careful to not be overheard. You tangle your fingers into the hair at the back of his head, nudging his face back into your shoulder. He presses a gentle kiss to your skin, which sends a shiver down your spine that youâre praying he doesnât notice.
Eventually, after what feels like hours, he pulls away to look at you. His hands are on your waist as if they belong there, as yours cradle his face.
âYouâre home.â
He breathes it, as if he canât quite catch a lungful of air.
âIâm home,â you say, sweeping your thumbs across his cheekbones. âYouâre home.â
âIâm home.â
Youâre completely unaware of the group of people watching you. They all know they should tear their eyes away, but they canât seem to. Itâs new, seeing Carmy like this with someone. Theyâre all wondering what the hell has happened.
âFuck, I missed you.â
âI missed you,â he laughs, pulling you back in for another hug.
Pressing a kiss into your hair, he rocks you slightly, as if youâre both completely thrown off balance by the presence of the other.
You step back, giving him a once over.
âI like your tattoos, Carmen. Very hipster.â
âShut up,â he chuckles, shoving you lightly. You shove him right back, both of you grinning like idiots.
His eyes flicker up, catching Sydneyâs gaze. She looks completely bewildered, and a little uncomfortable. Carmy tugs you into his side, turning to face the crowd.
âSyd, this is Vienna. Vienna, Sydney. The rest of you guys know her.â
They all smile, meeting you in the middle for hugs and hellos. You hold your arms out to Sydney, who steps into them somewhat apprehensively, giving you a quick squeeze.
âMy name isnât actually Vienna, but itâs been a nickname for as long as I can remember. So you can call me Vienna, or Vi, or Enna. I get them all.â
She nods, visibly still a little confused. The door swings open one last time, and out walks Natalie.
âOh my God!â
You give her a careful hug, on account of the bump sheâs sporting.
âOh, you look so beautiful, Sugar. Youâre glowing!â
âItâs sweat from the kitchen babe, I swear.â
The blonde sits down at a table, and you join her, eager to catch up with one of your oldest girl friends. As you do, Sydney and Carmy reconvene a distance away.
âSheâs pretty.â
âYeah, she is.â
Carmenâs watching you as you talk to his sister, as if heâs worried youâll bolt out the door at any given moment.
âYour⊠girlfriend?â
âOh, no,â heâs suddenly a little flustered, hand scratching the back of his neck. âBest friend. Weâve known each other forever. Literally. Our momâs had us a day apart. We were neighbours, grew up on the same street.â
âAh. And sheâs been away?â
âFor a long time. Think itâs about five years, maybe more. I went to culinary school, she went to art school, both ended up living in different places.â
âDid you know she was coming back?â
âJesus, Syd, is this twenty fuckinâ questions?â
âSorry,â she says sheepishly, fiddling with the end of her braid. âYou just seemed surprised to see her.â
âYeah. I was. Had no idea she was back in town.â
âDid you guys keep in touch?â
He gives a look that says really?, but answers the question anyway.
âNot as much as we should have. Itâs hard, being so far apart. We saw each other a few times, texted and called when we could. But itâs not the same.â
He glances in your direction to find you laughing with Natalie, a delicate hand placed on her growing stomach. Nat looks happy, carefree, like the young girl she once was. You seem to have that effect on people.
Richie pulls out a chair next to the pair, knocking into Carmyâs shoulder as he sits down.
âTold Vi weâd give her a table here tonight, so she can try everything. You should join her, catch up.â
Carmy reacts as if itâs the stupidest idea heâs ever heard, so Richie continues quickly.
âWe need to be able to run this shit without you. One evening with you dining instead of cookinâ wonât hurt.â
âWeâve done it before,â Sydney adds, alluding to that fateful opening night. Richie snickers. Carmy doesnât.
âAnd youâll be here, itâs not like youâre a thousand miles away. Weâll come out and get you if we need help, Cousin.â
Carmyâs known his answer since the very first second Richie asked the question, but heâs trying to play it cool. He doesnât want to give away just quite how excited the thought of an entire evening with you makes him.
âFine.â
â” â”  ·ă â” ăă * · â”
You and Sugar have ended up practically on each others laps at your table, whispering and giggling like old times. Sheâs telling you a story about something funny Pete said when you look over at Carmy, to find him already staring at you.
Your heart skips a beat as you catch his eyes, smiling gently at the fact he refuses to look away. Heâs so timid with everyone else, so worried about what people think of him. Heâs never as bold as when heâs with you.
You wink at him, quick and cheeky, and heat blooms across his cheeks instantly. He winks right back, stifling a grin by biting at his lip.
âYou never told him, did you?â
Natâs watching the two of you intently, gaze flicking back and forth between her brother and his childhood best friend.
You take a deep breath. And then another.
âNo.â
âVienna.â
Her tone is stern, almost scolding, and you suddenly feel sorry for the child whoâs going to be on the receiving end of it one day soon.
âI couldnât do it.â
She grabs your hand, resting them both in her lap.
âSecrets like that eat people alive, Vi.â
You squeeze her hand before dropping it, desperate for the conversation to be over.
âItâs fine. Iâm fine. Iâll tell him when the time is right.â
âThe time is never right when it comes to Carmen. You and I both know this.â
You refuse to admit sheâs right, even though deep down, you know she is absolutely is.
âYou havenât told him? Richie hasnât either?â
âItâs not our place to tell him. You have to be the one to do it.â
You inhale carefully, risking a look over to where Carmy is stood up, pointing at a table in the corner of the restaurant. Heâs clearly in Chef Mode, both him and Sydney speaking in a language you canât even begin to understand.
He catches your eye and smiles, all bright and bashful, before resuming what he was saying.
You donât want to hurt him.
You think it might be inevitable.
Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same.
@agirlcandream84 @diorrfairy @raging-panda @melancholicmelanin @nolita-fairytale @jacxx2 @huang-the-geek @2guysonascooter @stxxllaaa @an0nym1ss @thereisnoowl @dreamingofleon
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Ok, so I got to (and past) ep. 26 of Witchlight, where Gideon is hit with a fey love curse which has him be head over heels in love with Kremy. And it just has me thinking about how vastly different the two of them reacted to being fey cursed to be in love with the other (though we all know they are in love without the fey curse) and what that says about them as people, as well as the way that they view relationships.
When Kremy was under the effects of the fey curse, he was dead set on making sure Gideon (or anybody really) did not find out about him being in love. He, for all intents and purposes, did not act all that differently that he would have other than being more outwardly jealous of the fact that Gideon was marrying other people. (Richie saying "I know" with that smug look in his face will live rent free in my mind forever). This says a lot about Kremy, and the way he views romantic (or even just more intimate) relationships. He is so full of shame and insecurity at the prospect of being in love of Gideon that it all has to be done through a false lens of irony. And I think that is because Kremy, at the end of the day, is a conniving conman. He views relationships as advantageous. He is so clearly afraid of vulnerably that, even when under the effect of a love curse, is still trying his best to not let on that he is in love. (I also think this points to him actually being in love with Gideon, as it does not completely alter his behavior). He needs to maintain control on his feelings in order to be in control of every situation he is in, so that he can exploit the people he needs to, as well as make himself as un-exploitable as possible. Obviously he is friends with Gideon, Gricko, and Frost, but I can't help but believe that the trust we see him have in them was built slowly over years. Just look at the way he views Torbek earlier on. And as such, admitting that the relationship he has with Gideon goes deeper, and is more intimate that just friends and business partners, is a (nearly) impossible task for Kremy, as he does not want to feel or be viewed as vulnerable.
With Gideon, the second he gets cursed, he immediately goes all in. He says that he loves Kremy, that he is happy they are married, and goes out of his way to touch him, be close to him, compliment him. Now, this is more distinctly different from how Gideon usually behaves around Kremy, but I don't necessarily think that means that his love is completely fake. I do think, however, that it means that Gideon is unaware of the full extent of his feelings when it comes to Kremy. Because, while it was said in a joking manner, I believe that there is some truth to the claim that Gideon has commitment issues. Not in the sense that he is or ever would be unfaithful in a more committed relationship, but rather that some wires got crossed in his head (thanks to the years and years of trauma from the fucking train) and that he now views being 'tied down' to one individual in a romantic sense in a similar way as being imprisoned. He wants freedom, he doesn't want to feel beholden to a single person. And obviously this is an unhealthy way to view relationships, as a healthy one will not make you feel like you are being caged. But this does not seem to be based off of experience for Gideon, as all of his 'romantic' exploits seem to have been causal hookups that may end in him getting shotgun married and then immediately cutting town, but nothing more. It is the concept of romantic commitment that Gideon does not like, not the actual act of commitment itself. Because he IS committed to Kremy, and he has no qualms with being 'tied down' to Kremy in this way. As such, he doesn't view his feelings as being anything other than platonic, as he expects romance to feel like a cage. Until he gets slapped with fey magic, and those feelings about commitment temporarily go away.
Basically this is a really long way of saying that I LOVE how Richie and Mace both decided to play their characters being (explicitly) in love with the other. It makes for beautiful (and very funny) character work and gives us, the audience, a bit more insight into the dumbass minds (affectionate) of Kremy and Gideon.
#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#kremy lecroux#gideon coal#coalecroux#character analysis#the way these to act with each other has me gnawing at the bars of my enclosure
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