#PHEW introspection :'>>>

[hinamie]

hi hina! in terms of your art, what would say is your strength(s) and what is your weakness?

!!!! omg ily mariam you're always so good at asking rly thoughtful questions that make me take a step back n Ponder,, tbh im not sure if this is just a Me thing or if every artist experiences this but i feel like my main strengths/weaknesses in my art are just reflective of the strengths/weaknesses i have in all areas of my life .., i am not going to unpack that too much tho smile :)

strength(s)

a bitch is Persistent !!! when I decide to learn how to do something i put in 200% to learning it and learning it Well . ths how i got good at drawing a lot of the things im told i'm "good" at --i did it with hands i did it with torso anatomy i did it with clothing ,, i did it with yuuji's gd hair,, the list goes on !! also i think this is maybe related to why i love making character reference sheets ? granted they take forever and i hate it while i'm in it but at the end of the day i am a proud character sheet Advocate. if u ever want to really hammer something into ur brain .. character sheets.... angles......just sayin ! shit works.......

character design listen i dont want to sing my own praises too much but character design rly is one of my favourite kinds of art to do and i think . im maybe a bit good at it.,, idk,... :3 fr though I put so much time and effort in2 the research and ref compiling and it takes Hours on pinterest and 543254 open tabs but finally getting to put the pieces all together to make something cohesive makes all the pain worth it . whether it's for an oc or an existing character i love designing outfits or alternate forms that Tell u something abt the character i love translating personality into clothing choices and silhouettes and colours and hiding little defining Traits and !!! idk i just have so much fun :'> it reminds me why i love art

weakness(es)

kind of the dark side of persistence, a bitch is Stubborn and Resistant to Change (not just an Artist Flaw(tm) but also a recurring Character Flaw i need to work on gsfdhjfsgd) . I find i don't know how to easily break habits or push myself outside of what's Worked for me in the past, even if i know that other, better ways exist ,,. like I joke abt working harder not smarter and complaining about it but that's not even a joke that's just what I do because I'm too afraid of being Bad at something or trying something and having it not work so I just stick to what I know :( smh if comfort zones r meant to b left why r they comfortable.......

perspective/rooms/dynamic poses,, look ik im microdosing on these rn but a lot of it is still so HARD ,, improvement jail.... :( unique poses r starting to come easier with reference but rooms i hate u . how do u make objects look like they are in a scene and not on it . how to give objects Weight ????? i dont get it...

[seventeendeer]

I can't articulate this very well right now but. listen to me. rgu and pmmm, the tv series, are parallel stories. an echo. two versions of the same event. and their respective movies-

adolescence of utena is the happy ending, where the abandoned girl lays down her sword and finally leaves behind her flawed "hero" role so that she may go to the outside world and be with her beloved again. rebellion is the tragedy, where she is unable to let go and takes her old role to its logical conclusion, destroying herself and her relationship with her loved one in the process while convincing herself that she's doing what's best for the girl she loves, even if it means taking away her right to choose for herself.

do you see it. do you understand. there are layers to this !! different takes on the same subject !!! the contrasts also between the main pairs and how they're played !!!!! oh fuck and the deconstructive AU potential is off the chartsssss oh no

[denniisa]

dennis reynolds does not cry. at least that’s what he wants everyone to believe,  that’s what everyone  has  to believe.  how easy it was to fool everyone.  he had been doing it since he was a child,  after all.  years of practice.  it only takes a few slaps across the face from his mother to get the message across:  men are not emotional,  men do not show their true emotions.   ( was he even really a man,  anyway ??  who was …  what  was he,  really ?? )

dennis reynolds had perfected his mask at the age of ten.  he knew exactly what to say to make others happy,  to get his way,  to control the narrative.  what dennis  ( and dee )  wanted never really mattered,  it was always about their parents.  frank and barbara … what did they want ??  how could their children stop embarrassing them ??  

for dennis,  he needed to stop with that  ‘nancy boy nonsense’  as soon as possible.  tears suppressed, hobbies pushed aside.  men didn’t cry,  sing,  play with dolls,  paint their nails,  wash their face,  put on lipstick,  braid their sisters hair,  sleep with a stuffed elephant,  kiss other men.  men were strong,  charismatic,  smart,  watched football,  worked out,  drank beer,  smoked cigarettes,  kissed women. 

was he a man ??  is this what he really wanted ??  he knew the answer to that question.  it never mattered what dennis really wanted,  he just had to keep the mask on.  even after thirty seven years of practice there were still times that his mask slipped,  the cracks in the surface widening and leaving some of his true self exposed. 

no one could ever see that side of him.  no one.

which is why he always hid in his bedroom on days like this,  firing off a text to someone from the gang saying that he was working on something important and he’d fill them all in tomorrow.  he couldn’t fake sick after all,  not unless he wanted mac breaking down his door.  thankfully he was surrounded by idiots that believed whatever lie was spoon fed to them. 

dennis reynolds does not cry,  but he was crying right now.  not one piece of onion in sight.  sat on the corner of his bed facing his floor length mirror.  he’s not sure why,  but he always watches himself cry.  there’s something about how his eyes turn a little bit red,  how the mascara begins to trail down his cheeks,  how his foundation turns all splotchy. 

it reminds him that he  can  feel. 

but why did he want to feel so bad ??  it hurt,  it always hurt so goddamn much. 

as he makes eye contact with the reflection staring back at him he can’t help but let out a small laugh.  it’s garbled by the tears,  stifled by the sniffles,  but he laughs anyway.  he had thought for a moment what barbara would say if she could see him like this.  he knows what his father would say.  no,  what  frank would say.  not his father.  then he thinks for a moment what  bruce  might say.  that only makes the tears fall faster,  shaky hands move to cup his face,  hiding his face from himself as he continues to sob.  he stays like this for a few more minutes,  finally prying his hands from his face and staring down at mascara stained palms.  hands return to rest on bony thighs,  eyes lifting to meet his reflection once more. 

“pathetic.”  he mumbles to himself,  sniffling as he tries to pull himself together.  as he stares into bloodshot eyes he remembers exactly why he can’t tell anymore about this.  not because of barbara,  not because of frank. 

because it was weak.  and whatever dennis reynolds was,  it wasn’t  weak.

so he stands from his spot on the bed to approach the mirror,  getting closer to the glass as he stares himself down.  hand moves to point at the shell that gazed back at him.  “pull yourself together,  man.”  he instructs,  repeating the order he had been given over and over again.  it takes a few more seconds,  a few more deep breaths,  but he’s able to slip the mask back on. 

he withdraws himself from the mirror and walks over to his beside table,  pulling a tissue out of the tissue box and wiping at his face.  “what a pain …”  once again he mumbles to himself,  “... i have to redo my makeup.”  the tissue is tossed into the small trash can on the side of his bed and as he leaves his bedroom to fix his face,  he can’t help but think how badly he wishes someone would be able to hand him a tissue.

[3416]

my aunt and cousins made everyone in the fam these little personalized terrariums and mine had this lil bo peep figurine in it and my aunt was like... that reminds me of you, she looks like she’s badass in charge and getting things done... and i forget how differently ppl’s perceptions of us can be and usually are

[pseudowho]

https://www.tumblr.com/pseudowho/760084294954893312/mr-haitch-is-nanami-and-you-are-the-absolute

Mrs Haitch if you wrote a book I would 100% read it. I want to know your story, how you think, and learn from you! You seem like you have such invaluable wisdom and kindness. I don’t KNOWWW much about you, but it seems like you are a testament to the effects & results of being courageous and kind. You seem to be a living, walking, champion who embodies what introspection, pure effort, strong morality, grit, and bravery can do.

- sincerely, an inarticulate, curious person who hopes this isn’t creepy

Take me off that pedestal, madam. Promptly. Now.

Okay so while this is all delightful, it would be really arrogant of me to accept it.

I say this not as a self-abuse thing, but as a genuine insight thing, but I am not all rainbows and sunshine. I have some really horrible personality traits, and while I try my best to make sure they're not the biggest part of me, they're still very much there.

I can be hypercritical, manipulative (both unintentionally and intentionally), I have a vicious bad temper that I try to keep under wraps. While I spend a lot of time helping people, the stress snapback is bad, and when I'm hyper stressed, I'll accuse people of being manipulative, users, or too weak to rely on themselves. I can be fatalistic and catastrophise normal daily events, especially when I'm anxious.

If I sense nastiness, arrogance, insincerity or cruelty in someone, I am so vicious to them that it hurts. I'm not one to give false compliments, and I'm not one to lie to someone if they've done something bad.

And like I said, this isn't just me being down on myself. I just recognise the negative traits I carry and try to work on them.

So thank you for thinking I'm wonderful,

But also please remember I am both an internet stranger, and a real person with undeniable flaws. I work on them daily.

Phew, it's always hard writing your flaws down, isn't it?

Like I said-- get me off that pedestal, madam!

Love as always,

-- Haitch xxx

[needle-noggins]

Sav's Author Highlight: ImberReader

For the entire week of @trigunfanfic appreciation week, I’m going to highlight my favorite authors and friends whose writing I adore and why. Right now I want to highlight the writing of @scoundrels-in-love, aka ImberReader on Ao3. Rainy is a dear friend of mine and one of the first fic friends I made when I started writing last year!

Rainy's writing is absolutely gorgeous, for starters. Their prose is incredibly vivid, with imaginative metaphors and a deep dive into POV characters' inner thoughts and feelings. Their writing is introspective, emotionally-driven, and full of yearning, with snippets of fun dynamics interspersed between. They can take a small scene, a small interaction, and expand it into something interesting and dynamic.

Rainy is also particularly skilled in writing smut. They have written so much, and they take as much care and consideration into it as they do everything else, and it really shows. I have them to thank for so many of the smut I have written, and they always have great ideas for adding more emotion and feeling into a scene (smut or not!). Mashwood is really their wheelhouse, and if there's anyone who can make Mashwood happen when it wouldn't otherwise (ie, canon-compliant Trimax), it's going to be Rainy. And you know what? With the depth with which they write emotions, they can make anything happen. Rainy has, time and time again, converted me to Mashwood when my original thought wasn't Mashwood. It's become an inside joke at this point, and a beloved one.

If you've ever wanted to hit me for my inclusion of Wolfwood grief in Bluebells, you can kindly direct your frustrations towards Rainy, who suggested the twist in chapter 4 that snowballed into so much delicious angst. :)

Without further ado, here are some of my favorite fics of theirs:

If this is communication, I disconnect (I need you, you want me, but I don't know how to connect) | Rating: | Ship: Vashmeryl | Yearning, all hurt no comfort | This fic inspired Bluebells and even has a podfic! It's wonderful and the angst is so good.

For you, I've been aching | For you, I've been blind | Rating: E | Ship: Vashmeryl (with Wolfwood flavor) | Ohhhhhhhhhh MAN. This fic was inspired by a chapter of Bluebells; it's the same scene but from Vash's POV, and my lord is it yummy. Rainy took our jokes about Ghostwood in Bluebells and made it completely canon. This fic was a wonderful little gift to me and to my fic universe and I adore it so much. The line "We're both so bad at wanting, aren't we?" still shrimps me to this day. AUGH.

I could drown myself in someone like you (Dive so deep, I'd never come out) | Rating: T | Ship: Vashmeryl | OH MY GOD. THE VASHMERYL ONE SHOT OF ALL TIME. The metaphors and prose of this are absolutely delicious and unique. This fic has inspired so much of Bluebells since it was published, and it's exactly what I like. It's catnip to me.

We could love (illumination), we could love you (elevation) | Rating: M | Ship: Mashwood | Roommate AU. they're all so so so stupid, and I love them so much. I'm rooting for these idiots so hard.

Love Like Moon Phases series | Rating: E | Ship: Mashwood | Werewolf AU. And oh my, the smut is so delicious crazy in this one. They're all so hot. I scream.

and darling, all my dreaming has only been given (your) name | Rating: E | Ship: Vashwood-about-Meryl | VASHWOOD ABOUT MERYL. OH MY GOD. God. It's so good. Rainy absolutely excels at the "two of them about the third" thing for Mashwood so much so that it's become a fun joke/trend. This one is. Phew. Good shit.

We'll brave out this storm together (Touch one another, Do what lovers do) | Rating: E | Ship: Stryfewood | Yom. Stryfewood in the midst of Mashwood. It's soft and horny at the same time.

If you have a moment, please try out one of Rainy's fics and give them some love. They're a wonderful writer and an even better friend!

[recovering-radqueers]

"Recovering Radqueer" using transabled and transharm

Anonymous sent: I'm a "recovering radqueer" but I still use transIDs, even the "harmful" ones like transabled and transharmed/ful. They're the only words that meaningfully describe my experience. The anti-transition stance of Dissomei just doesn't work for me when I fully intend to remove an eye and I know nobody in that community would approve. I want to get away from the radqueer community but they are the only ones who will accept me. Every anti-radqueer blog I talk to just spits slurs and tells me to kill myself over my identity. Do you have any advice? Other labels that aren't anti-transition? Blogs that are pro-transID but anti radqueer that I can interact with to separate myself from all the abusers in the RQC?

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear that you've been told to kill yourself. I don't believe anyone deserves that and that's not fair to you.

I can absolutely understand wanting to still use transIDs, and the reasons you gave definitely are common. It sounds like you have some serious intentions, and while obviously I don't want anyone to harm themselves in general, I do also acknowledge that serious dysphoria makes it feel unavoidable. It reminds me a lot, in fact, of people with BID who have performed self amputation. At the end of the day, everyone deserves a chance to be happy - so don't worry, no judgement on that end.

Whether or not your wants/needs are understood by others, it’s important to honor that you’re experiencing something very real that makes you feel connected to these identities. The language you use to describe your experience doesn’t have to come from a bigoted/harmful place. It does suck, though, when it feels like there aren't exactly the right words to describe your identity. :(

Identity-wise:

Some people do genuinely use "transabled" in a 100% good-faith, non-radqueer-associated way. As far as I'm aware, this originated in the BID community, so if it's possible you may fit that disorder's criteria, you could switch to identifying as that. A 100% good-faith, non-radqueer-associated way transabled person. There's even a pride flag for this by antiradqueer if you like.

I recently heard of the term "dysfirming" to be a substitute for "transitioning" that applies to some atypical dysphoria-influenced identities. I don't know if this would be a helpful term?

I would suggest looking into communities focused on body mods, body autonomy, trauma recovery, and identity exploration. Find forums, Discords, Subreddits, etc, and see if it's a space you can vibe with. I think you could potentially find some people who think similarly to you. If you want me to specifically look and link you to some places, feel free to send another ask.

Dissomei as a term actually isn't anti transition! You can see a couple of quotes from the creator on this page, and one mentions that even amputations are accepted. Of course, it'll always be up to you what term you want to use.

Desirdae (Coining post)

Sensus (Coining post)

If you can do some introspection and try to pin down why you identify as any transharmful labels, it might be helpful. For example, if you wanted people to see you as dangerous, maybe a presentation label related to danger/violence, or perspesque (coining post). If it's paraphila-related, maybe Paraphikitós/Paramenos (coining post).

Intenxper (Coining post)

-vior (Coining post)

Archetrope (Tag)

Neurowiry (Coining post)

Enviren (Coining post)

Also general tips:

Find a therapist if you haven't already. I know, you've probably heard "get therapy!!!" a lot, haha, but I don't mean "get into therapy so they can make you stop identifying the way that you do". A truly good therapist would be someone you can trust to talk about how you feel and that includes being transID. And they could also direct you to any local IRL groups that might be good places to hang out!

Phew, sorry my response was so long! Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck! Please feel free to send another ask for follow-ups, specific advice, or just to say hi, okay?

-Mod Ally🍄

[barbex]

Books of 2024 (2023 or close to it)

@hoochieblues tagged me to list books and in that moment I immediately forgot about any book I have ever read. Did I even read a single book in 2023? But thank you for tagging me, I'll do my best.

“the game is to share 9 of my favourite books from the last 12 months, or 9 books on my tbr list for this year”

I'm tagging: @mareebrittenford, @dyrewrites, @tryingtimi, @tsuraiwrites, @midnightprelude, @lesetoilesfous, @tarysande

Let me list nine books I liked, I don't know if I read them all in the last 12 months, I just went to my Kindle and picked what sparked a good memory.

Band Sinister by KJ Charles M/M romance, regency historical Lots of pining and repressed feelings in this one, until it leads to wonderful sex and love. Kj Charles knows how to do it.

A Game of Hearts and Heist by Ruby Roe F/F romance, fantasy Fast paced and very sexy fantasy heist. So much sex that even I, certified smut queen, sometimes thought "Now? Really? Don't you think you're kind of busy right now?" But I enjoyed it a lot and there's two more books in the series.

Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree cozy fantasy with a little F/F romance, fantasy This book has started a whole new trend of cozy fantasy. This is a story about what happens if the barbarian warrior lady hangs up her sword and opens a cafe. The romance is not the main story. I would have wished for a bit more introspection from the main character but I know how difficult it is to write a stoic character who doesn't want to think about feelings.

The Calyx Charm by May Peterson M/M romance, trans main character, fantasy, magic Beautiful prose! Sinister magic, darkness and families at war. Two characters so very much in love, the transwoman loved and accepted by her lover. This is the second or third book in a series but I read another book in the series and it didn't feel all that connected. And the prose was not as pretty as in this one.

Unmasked by the Marquess by Cat Sebastian NB/M romance, regency historical The main character uses she/her pronouns but I read in an interview with Cat Sebastian that, would she write the book today, they would probably use they/them pronouns. But it really doesn't matter much for either main character, the main male character already falls for the nb character when they dress and act like a man. A high stakes regency romance with the expected societal problems and lots of love.

Taji from Beyond the Rings by R. Cooper M/M romance, science fiction This book is so good! Cultural differences between species making romance and connection dangerous, feelings, sex, and politics raising the stakes every minute. I read this book again right after I finished it, it was so good.

The Elf Tangent by Lindsay Buroker F/M romance, fantasy A fun story about a human princess who loves mathematics and an elven warrior, trying to stop a war from happening. Nerdy and clever heroes with a bit of enemies to lovers.

The Hidden Moon by Jeannie Lin F/M romance, set in historic China This is like book five of a series but that didn't hinder my enjoyment. A woman, too smart for her own good, trying to solve a crime in a time when women were not allowed to do anything, especially not investigate assassinations and talk to street scoundrels. Or fall in love with said scoundrel.

---

Phew. That was a lot. Happy reading.

[redshift-ao3]

First lines game

Tagged by @nadsdraws !

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway. From a winning hand [T], written for the Even Keel Steddyhands zine, 1.5k:

"Have you ever played cribbage?" Ed asks, when Stede settles down into his armchair and sets the brandy on the table between them.

From cursed [T], a pre-Steddyhands, playful Izzy fic written for the Canyon Writers' Workshop zine, 1.6k:

"Ed, I have something terrible to tell you."

From inside out [E], a t4t sub!Ed Blackhands PWP written for Our Flag Means Gifts 2023, 8k:

"You've been a proper twat recently," Izzy says, from his armchair.

From in a house by the sea [T], an Izzy-focused gen-to-pre-Steddyhands fic about grief, written for the Canyon Writers' Workshop Exchange 2023 (I swear I write fics not for zines or exchanges! sometimes!) 5k:

“How’re you doing, boss?”

From frivolous [T], silly Stizzy roleplay written for the Izzy Hands Festive Fix-It Fest, 1.5k:

"This is fucking ridiculous," Izzy says. He plucks at the fabric swathed over his legs with distaste, pulling the skirts into disarray. "Just so you know."

From cadenza [M], gen(ish), Izzy's torture at Ned Low's hands takes a different turn, 3k:

"What would be most humiliating for you, I wonder?" Low asks. He touches a finger to Izzy's chest, stroking over the collar of his waistcoat. 

From all falls away [E], Edizzy vampire sex 😈 2.7k:

"Shh." The fingers on Izzy's neck are gentle, almost soothing, like the cadence of Ed's low, quiet voice. There's something Izzy should be doing now, he's pretty sure, but it's hard to remember with the hush of Ed's voice in his ears. 

From this bridge we built won't last [E], Edizzy sad dubious dream sex, 3k:

The dream starts with the door swinging open. It usually does, though Izzy hasn't had this dream in a while, and the Ed who slides into his room this time looks more like the one Izzy sees trailing after Bonnet up on deck than the one who usually turns up in Izzy's dreams.

From opening [M], Ouizzy! 2.3k:

There's a box in Frenchie's head next to the box where he puts all the bad stuff. 

From the rock on which all else stands [T], Ed-centric gravy basket introspection, 2k:

"I'll take you to my thinking spot," Ben says.

Phew! It's interesting looking at these: I start in the middle of scenes pretty often, huh? Drop you right on in there. Thanks for the tag, nads! Tagging in @ewelinakl, @sweveris, @multishipperpirateking, @vexbatch, @bimbobrock, @thedarkcaustic, @boppinrobin if you wanna play 👀

[cookinguptales]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💙

You know... I put off answering this for a while because I just could not choose five. And I still can't?? I have so many fics I've written, many of them for fandoms of one, and I find that I actually love a lot of them.

So... if you'll forgive me, I think I'll just talk about a whole bunch of fics that I love for a whole bunch of reasons.

(cut because... I really do talk about a lot of fics lmao)

I think these days a lot of people follow me for WWDITS/nandermo fic. It's one of my current loves, and I've really enjoyed writing for this fandom. I do wonder if I'll keep writing after nandermo becomes canon (or gets sunk for good) but in the meantime... I guess I'll just keep having a good time?

I think my favorite fic I've ever written for WWDITS is Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow, Too. I was looking at a bunch of prompts for the Trick-or-Treat Exchange (more on that later) and I ended up smushing several of them together in my head. But then the story really got away from me, I guess, as I really started to delve deep into Nandor's mind (a WILD place to be, I'm telling you) and it ended up not being posted for another month. Whoops?

Either way, though, I feel like I was really able to get at some of the ideas I'd been juggling with the characters for a long time at that point, and I think the prose itself was very nice at times. I did complicated things with that fic that I haven't done before, and in the end... I think I did a good job! It's probably the fic I'm proudest of in this fandom.

That said, I'd like to give Honorable Mentions to both When We Sway (I Go Weak) and Five Times Guillermo Helped Nandor Collect Semen (And One Time He Didn't) just because both of those fics involved me getting wildly out of my comfort zone. I think both of them seem a bit... outdated, maybe, after s4 and s5, but I think they match the tone of s3 nicely.

Sway was heavy on pining, something I feel like I'm good at writing, but also very heavy on physical action. As many of you know, I'm disabled! I have never waltzed. The kind of movement I described in that fic is not easy for me to do myself, and action scenes have always been difficult for me to write fluidly. So the fact that I was able to write both dancing and fighting convincingly in that fic made me really relieved. I got several comments from dancers telling me how well I'd captured dancing with a partner and like. PHEW. I did a ton of research and bro I was RELIEVED. So I do feel very proud of that.

Even more outside of my wheelhouse was both 5+1 things fics. I'd written a little bit of porn before this, even some for nandermo, but not much and I was largely dissatisfied with it. But boy did I get a lot of practice with those fics. lmao. It was essentially 11 sex scenes of various levels of filth loosely strung together with longing, and like... honestly, I'm very pleased at how most of them turned out! And I think I'm a lot better at writing porn now, even if it always turns out very fucking weird and introspective.

Speaking of weird.

The other fandom I love dearly these days is Sleep No More, which I've been writing for for several years. For a long time, I mostly just wrote this one for exchanges? Mostly ToT and Yuletide. I love writing for SNM, an interactive theater situation in NYC, because I can really fuck around with writing styles. I can play with ideas about religion and folklore and magic and blood and storytelling and tradition, and I can do it while writing some of the most fucked-up relationships that exist. I can play with a show that has very little spoken word, where a slap and a kiss might be in the same loosely choreographed dance, where I get to be a part of this haunted house, but only as a ghost...

While I'm sure the very few people who usually read my SNM fic might disagree, I think my favorite thing I've ever written for SNM is It's A Sin to Tell A Lie. It was my first time really trying to assemble a semi-coherent narrative from the show (largely inspired by some things that I realize now were not always common experiences in the show lmao) so I'm not sure it always aligns with how I see the characters now, but I feel like I wrote a really haunting fic that used the source material in interesting ways.

The Honorable Mention this time goes to The Consequence of Sounds, which is probably the strangest thing I've ever written. A friend of mine joked that she'd like it even if someone wrote like a haunted space hotel AU for the show and that apparently scratched something insane in my brain, so... I wrote a fic that combined space opera, Macbeth, Scottish folk magic, and the music of the spheres.

It's....... very weird. But it was also so fun to write, and I think it was fairly successful. I think the point of fanfiction is weaving together a familiar canon in a brand-new way, and I had fun bringing odd little allusions and old ideas into a new AU. I had to get really creative and that was so fun.

Speaking of weird AUs... I wrote a lot of them when I used to write karabita. haha. This is another one of those fandoms that I picked up a lot of followers with, though idk if any still follow me. Osomatsu-san was a weird comedy show that threw itself into surrealism and AUs very often, and that allowed me to do the same. I think... out of the many, many karabita fics I wrote, my favorite might be Love's Carriers, which is a flower shop AU I wrote out of spite after someone told me that all flower shop AUs are terrible. I worked really, really hard to make the AU suit the characters rather than the other way around while also incorporating flower language, one of my favorite stupid tropes. Again, I think this one came out surprisingly well, especially considering I wrote it in like... 24 hours in a fit of pique. lmao.

Other fics I remember being very proud of in that era... uh... The odd karabita KH AU that no one read because there is basically zero crossover between those fandoms... The soulmark AU because I am WEAK to those... The wingfic... ah... the wingfic... I don't know if I'd use words like "best" or "favorite" for that wingfic, but... I do think it's probably the most I've ever put of myself into a fic. The anxieties re: love and disability that I put into that fic were so real that I still cry every time I look at certain parts of it. I've grown as a person since writing it, but... yeah, those are still fears that haunt me. So I guess I could say it feels the most "me" of any of them I ever wrote.

Other than that... I guess we end up in my exchange fic era. I spent many years writing fic of extremely variable quality for exchanges lmao. I think the most successful was undoubtedly there's not a word yet (for old friends who just met), the muppets slash fic that launched... god, honestly. like. I know I did not create a fandom, but being in at the ground floor and being the one that everyone came to talk to when the pairing DID get off the ground was surreal. lmao. I created that tag on AO3! Everyone said I was crazy for writing that fic! Then they read it and they fell in love a little bit! Then the pairing became canon and everything went bananas! What a weird, surreal, delightful fandom experience.

That Muppets fic really came from the heart and really just came from me writing a fic during a very difficult time in my life and wanting to create a love letter to the characters that got me through it. I wanted to make other people feel the way The Muppets made me feel, and the fact that I succeeded in that (against all odds!) really does make that one special to me.

But... I wrote a ton of exchange fics for tiny, tiny fandoms that most people have never considered! Weird spooky crossover f/f ships, like my Crazy Rich Asians/Ready Or Not Astrid/Grace fic, or my Stoker/Sharp Objects India/Amma fic! Rarepairs like my Kimi no Na wa (Your Name) f/f Mitsuha/Miki fic! An unhinged lost episode of Puppet History! Character studies of dear little elderly murderers in Arsenic and Old Lace!

I also wrote sort of quasi-original fic, especially for the ToT exchange. Ghosts of dinosaurs falling in love with each other in a museum (inspired by a real historical case of the wrong skull being on a skeleton -- and god, that one has a hilarious IRL story attached to it) and a pet shop full of the ghosts of animals longing for companionship and grim reapers grappling with life and death and forbidden love. Mann I loved writing those.

And honestly??? I could write entire posts about any of the fics I'm talking about here. I love them, especially the ones that weren't really loved by anyone else. Hell, I'm turning that pet shop into an extended f/f origific right now.

Writing fic for tiny fandoms of one or two for an exchange feels so bittersweet because you can make that person really happy (and, not to toot my own horn, but I tend to make recipients really happy in exchanges) but it just kind of... fades away. Those stories sometimes have very short lifespans just because they're really just for one person. It's not a good or bad thing, just the nature of exchanges. I love designing a fic that's tailored to one person's likes, dislikes, and deepest desires. It's so fun for me. But it is kind of sad to see those fics fall by the wayside after. So I have to love them enough to make up for it. haha.

Finally... a fic I adored writing, that absolutely consumed me, and it's for a fandom that is basically nonexistent. I loved going to Meow Wolf's House of Eternal Return and experiencing the work of hundreds of artists all coming together to make something great. I wanted to add my art, too. No one is out here looking for HoER fic, especially not for the pairing I wrote, but like. BOY, if there's any fic I've ever written that's the definition of "I wrote this for me", it's Gnosis.

Anyway, yeah, I've been posting fic on AO3 for *checks* almost 15 years now, so I guess it makes sense that I can't narrow this down to just five, lmao. But I'm also trying not to go on too much.

But seriously, seriously, if anyone wants me to talk more about these fics or any other that I've written, I would be so incredibly happy to give you a play-by-play of what I was thinking, what I was trying to do, what I liked, what I disliked, what I'd change now, what changed me, etc. I think any author would be haha.

But I'll cut this short now!! As for who to tag... honestly, since I read so much fiction for a living these days, I don't really read fanfic anymore. I'm not sure who I follow writes it anymore. I have most fic tags filtered, being real with you. So... how about this. If you are a writer and you want me to tag you, just lmk!!! And I will send you the message.

[madraleen]

Chainsaw Man - Tatsuki Fujimoto   Ch. 98-132: A Disappointed Commentary and Overall Impressions.

LISTEN. If you’re as sensitive about your faves as I am, don’t read this. I’m bummed with Part 2 and it shows. (But, hey, I’m looking forward to reading more?)

-This Asa has had more introspection in twenty pages than Denji has had in his entire lifetime (this is a neutral comment).

-Did she accidentally squash Chicken Devil omg

-Holy shit, this escalated. Mr Tanaka, really now?

-I kinda like Yoru. And Yoru alone.

-Your goal is to defeat Chainsaw Man and mine is to actually see him... I don’t care about Asa that much.

-Oh Denji, u in Asa’s manga too?

-I like Denji, give me more Denji, omg, this is my nightmare scenario of endless chapters focused on characters you’re not interested in, I’ve feared this for a while.

-Where is everyone? Why has everyone left Denji alone? Like, in life.

-I don’t like that Denji is a side-character!

-Pls, Nayuta, save the story :’(

-At anyone who might be reading this and is enjoying the story: I am very, very happy that you do, I’m jealous. I am so disappointed though. I’m disappointed that Denji is not the MC, yes, but also, Asa is not compelling to me, there’s no side-characters with spark and just life, the setting is underwhelming - a school after Public Safety, I don’t see any interesting dynamics right now. Basically, what compelled me in the first arc just isn’t here. I see people saying to wait, that things will peak and twist and turn, and, well, yes, of course they might, but that doesn’t make up for the things that haven’t worked for me so far. But yes, please reframe those things, please, make me eat my words and shock me into adoring the arc! I beg! I beg to be wrong!

-There’s a lot of bread crumbs for the future, I won’t deny that. Yoshida’s random organization, Nayuta herself, the prophecy, the contract with Power of course, but... give us something concrete :’(.

-In a weird way though, it has me wanting to read on and on and then some, just to see Denji and see where on earth this is going.

-Why drown it, bitch. Why drown the cat, bitch.

-”Solitude and companionship... I’m afraid of both!” I mean, same.

-The Falling Devil ala chef, great, I like that.

-And you would care if the Devil’s a thief... why exactly, Denji boy?

-Yes, bb, yes, bring up Denji’s trauma, bring up Power and Aki, finally. God, I miss them. But yay, finally, quality time with Denji!

-Chainsaw be like “I wanna have sex!” and Asa be like “yeah, nvm, just let me fall.”

-They are ON A PLATE, nice. See, I’m lots more ameliorable when Denji is around and denji-ing.

-Actually content now that Denji’s been around for a few chapters in a row, lmao.

-Looking forward to seeing who “fake Chainsaw” is. An actual other Chainsaw? Denji from the future? Who knows.

-War Devil might win in the prophesy and prevent the Age of Devils, got it. Yoru, you’re up.

-And now Nayuta has the spotlight, phew, I can breathe again. And more Denji! We’re ending the binge-read on a positive note.

Overall Impressions: Part 1: Love and adoration, fun, ridiculousness, excitement, pain and heartbreak, shock and respect. Sometimes the plot gets convoluted. Denji, Aki and Power are one of my favorite gangs. I love all the side-characters, I love Denji, I love the character development, I love to hate Makima, I love the panel composition. Part 2: I’m bummed and curious. Not enough Denji, but I’m delighted when Denji and Nayuta appear. For the moment weak side-characters. Lots of hints for potentially exciting things to come. Lacks the visual oomph of Part 1 because of lackluster setting. I don’t vibe with Asa.

[rivetgoth]

Genuinely cannot get over Lead Into Gold’s The Eternal Present. I’ve probably listened to it all the way through like more than a dozen times in the last month. It’s probably my album of the year. Genuinely so impressed by it not just technically, sonically, and lyrically but how it’s structured and presented thematically. Paul Barker said in an interview the name is kind of a pun and it has me thinking a lot about the different meanings of “present,” an eternal present being both the ever-present moment, the way the past and future don’t actually exist, now is the only thing that’s real etc, but also the idea of a gift that just keeps giving, you know? Like forever carrying with you what you’ve received from others. Which in and of itself is kind of an interesting contradiction, thinking about influence from the past versus the current moment being all that matters or all there is.

I’m particularly interested in the album being seemingly organized backwards (?) at points, telling a story of a failed relationship, and the aggression and anger at the opening of the album—“This is how crime begins” as the opening line in the opening title, the song ending in the death knell sounding. Followed immediately by describing a failing relationship where everything is completely falling apart in “The Final Blows”—“outside the world is burning now, inside your world is burning down”—but he’s trying to hold it together—“Even those are not the final blows.” The album mellows gradually as we get these songs that are more introspective, and finally we end on the last two tracks, where one describes this really intense, passionate, successful relationship that feels like it’ll just keep getting bigger and more intense and last forever (“who’s to say the fame can’t get much brighter as we balance on the stage, as though we watch the infinite”) and he specifically makes allusions to fire again, even in the name being “A Thousand Licks,” but this time he says “Who’s to say the flames can’t get much brighter as we stare into the blaze,” it feels like it posits itself as squarely MOMENTS before “The Final Blows.” It’s that same relationship and that same intensity and that flame is building but he’s already shared that the fire burned too bright and everything was charred to ash… He even says “Before we immolate” after the first chorus…

AND THEN he ends on “Tell Me Again,” where the final lyrics are “Tell me again, could it ever fail? Would it ever fail? Is it possible?” And then the album fades to 15 seconds of uninterrupted silence. I like legit get chills over that ending lmao 😭 I love the seeking reassurance from an unnamed other. And like. I think the use of the word “again” there (and “before” in the song prior) feels so pointed in suggesting this cyclical nature of the story and maybe even (as the album title suggests) time itself. Like the album creates almost a time loop in its structure. Or like, in the goofiest of comparisons it almost feels like the classic “This is me; you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation” trope. Or, a classier comparison, Gaspar Noe’s Irreversible. I’m not even sure if we’re actually supposed to interpret the story as this truly being the before and after of the same relationship or thinking more about repeating cycles (IMO it’s both), but either way a clear before and after—or, after and before, actually—is posited. And I think it makes the “Could it ever fail?” so poignant to have the album open with “This is how crime begins” and all the anger and disillusionment that comes with the death (or even, murder?) of something you really believed in and potentially even believed could last forever. And this cycle repeating over and over and over. “This glamour always seems eternal.” Phew.

[ninjasmart]

Hi! Could you do a reading for FG? Thank you ☺️

A general reading with 3 cards - The Hermit, Ace of Swords, Strength and the hidden card - 3 of cups reversed.

A gathering, a meeting, a celebration, a short vacation did not happen - the 3 of cups.

She's staying a bit more at home at the moment - the Hermit, or she's taking time to think through how her life has been so far, what the challenges or hardships have been.

More specifically, there are a few cards for introspection and meditation, and retreat. This one, specifically, is talking about being a hermit by choice.

So, FG might be looking at the hardships in her life and think how she contributed to them, how she chose this life. Thr good thing about the hermit card is that it sometimes means - asking for external councel. If I could offer my advice: with the mindset that she had she made the choices that she did and this lead to the life she has now. Once she decides to change, shift her mindset she may have a different life.

The good part is that she has the Ace of Swords on her side - options, choices. The different path in life, script and play if you must, is there, waiting for her, she just jas to choose it.

The gathering or vacation may have been on snowy mountains. Maybe a ski resort or other place up in the snowy mountains. The imagery of the Ace also has mountains - these are mountains, and rivers, maybe a see. A beautiful place like Jordan for example. A different lifepath is waiting for her on that place.

I pulled a clarifier for the Ace - the 5 of cups recersed talks about not giving in to sorrows, to hardships. Looking for a way to move on.

The last card is the Strength. Sometimes this is a card for sexual attraction, so I pulled a clarifier. The 3 of pentacles is about making plans, working on building something. May be from a business, to a career, to a backyard gardening project or even literal building of a house. It is a passion project and it is the time to do it.

The 3 of cups - just to be on the save side I asked the cards for a clarifier. The queen of Swords together with the 3 of cups reversed is a" Phew, thank God it did not happen" type of situation. It may have looked like the perfect vacation, perfect getaway, perfect way to relax or have a filled with emotions vacation but if she had gone to those mountains she would have had a hard time and be irritable all the time. She didn't miss by not going, if that makes sense.

Love life - one card: 7 of swords reversed. With the Knight of Wands reversed. So - crosswired communication or a communication that should have and did not happen.

7 of swords reversed is coming as an advise. She is stuggling. She doesn't have to do it all on her own. Instead of playing games (for lack of better word) she should just come out and say it, whatever that is. Also, it's ok to ask for help.

[actingaliped]

im working on a few trolls for this timeline too (specifically a hope and rage player based off of daffy and bugs bunny) and its making me be like PHEW. oh thank god. some fucking internal aspects. i was going to freak out if this timeline was literally internal aspectless. these bitches are NOT introspecting

[goetzjpvis]

phew, there's a bit too much to unpack here.....

I watched Eva twice, once in middle school (mistake lol), and once during early college. I'll try to disallow my knowledge of the series from affecting my review for just these episodes but I'm sorry if that bleeds through.

Anyways, at it's core, I can see Eva being a story of not only emotional dependence, but human relationships and the struggle between acceptance in society and personal conviction. (While writing this I realized there is soooo much to talk about with Eva...)

Right off the bat, in episode one, we are given a detailed account of Shinji's personal life. He has no identifiable mother (yet), to whom the stand in becomes his somewhat emotionally incestuous relationship with Misato... But wait, Misato also has a somwhat complicated relationship with Kaji! Is she a harlot? No! Kaji himself rejects love from Asuka (I wouldn't necessarily say that asuke is vying for his romantic attention because she genuinely likes him, but rather because he is a stand in for her mother), who feels complicated about Shinji, who feels complicated about his dad, to whom Rei feels complicated about.... See a pattern? Anyways, the show showcases this little tidbit about something called the "Hedgehog's dilemma", which boils down to the idea that humans want to be close with eachother... they want to be comforted and intimate with eachohter, but they simultaneously cannot achieve the intimacy they desire because that requires themselves getting "hurt" (by their quills). Many of the characters we see in the show desire a form of intimacy (whether that be romantic or familial, or just plain old approval) but they find themselves hurting themselves to achieve those feelings and then end up retreating into their own hedgehog ball once again. So what is this dilemma trying to teach us exactly? This is why we pull away. Misato actually never really intentionally explores her complicated relationship with her employment at NERV and I fully believe she uses her escapades with Kaji, and sometimes even Shinji to fill that hole.

A large part of Eva is what I felt was facing yourself, and the strength required for personal introspection. Aside from the large cast who frankly.... refuses to think about their past trauma and examine it, I believe the show is telling the reader to do that themselves. For fuck's sake, even the NERV HQ faces inward towards the world! It asks them if this is what they want for the future, in a sense.

[knowlessman]

doo doo DOO dooo, doo doo dootdoot doo, doo doo DOO doo, doo doo DOOTDOOTDOO dootdoo (bnha s2e21-25)(it's the FI-NAL EX-AM…)

(excuses re quirks and skimpy costumes, midnight and mt lady catfight) why

okay this OP might slap actually, the higher voice gives some idfk contrast or whatnot, makes it interesting. that and the generally more… introspective (?) tone of voice of the main singer? idfk I like this one

I hear tell we start getting less mineta at some point, when's that? ( :

bakugo studies?

…idk what I think about momo tbh. mid, I guess. kind of a Captain Carrot almost, except not OP; she doesn't even get to, like, win. the competence and likability are there, but Carrot's acknowledged overpoweredness and impossibly-perfect benevolence give him a compelling weirdness that momo doesn't have. momo doesn't stand out any more than kyoka does, but kyoka has a "cool teenager" personality and a rad costume.

don't try to make me relate to laserguts (he apparently got the 18th-highest score out of 20, also tho who in the entire fuck grades midterms by ranking the students what the shit is that)

…this blonde guy from B is the most forgettable little shit who ever lived, is he the guy with the Ditto ability from the horseplay event, that I wanted to not have to hate? : / -- k, Ninja Misty's name is Kendo and also she does have a name, she could turn out cool even if she doesn't seem to get a lot of screentime outside of hitting whatshisname

yaoyorozu. yaoyorozu. is it just because they're less common letters? is that why that one's harder to remember than uraraka? idfk

"I'm gonna do better than you, deku, whether you like it or not! you too, guy who only lost to me because he couldn't decide whether to tie one arm behind his back and was eminently unbothered about the result anyway!" vegeta gonna vegeet

"this time, you'll be fighting against the teachers!" … fun? this show has too many fun bits wtf it's almost just jojo but with a plot, no, more than one plot at a time, that actually have enjoyable writing in them -- curious if we'll see what Tonka Tough and… I can't even think of a joke for this one, but like, new surprises, this show is a neverending fucking birthday it's unreal

"deku and vegeta are a te my fucking gawd this is gonna be hell on a stick icanteven -- "oh and they're fighting jesus" vince mcmahon with laser eyes

obviously they would put the pervert against the other pervert smh

…wanna figure out whether they meant "if one escapes you win" or "if BOTH escape you win" but trying to understand what the rules are in this show has not proven fruitful so far so wever

so sato is basically choji from naruto then. meh -- 'XD almost surprised they could get the rights for the oraora but then I forgot Japan is a bit less Scrooge McDuck about copyright

(froppy and tokoyami) ah k so mr grin does clones… of some kind -- …I was not expecting Team Ice Climbers to be a thing, but I'm not NOT here for it -- (froppy doing...?) uh. -- 0_0 oh! oh, she can just regurgitate stuff, phew 'XD I misremembered what she said her other power was and thought the bird was gonna throw her stomach across the finish line

(iida and ojiro) "FUSION!" facepalm -- "you're going to have to toss me" counter is at 2. not complaining, I just think it's funny that that might end up being a common tactic here -- facepalm while looking back over the notes again iida is yoshi

(yaoyorozu and todoroki) "unless you've got a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice…" at least they paired her with another professional -- if we could just stop putting the 15-yo's chest in center screen that'd be great -- more to the point tho she Got To Do Things and had them work so good on that. and even when she wasn't sure of her own plan, she made the matryoshkas as flashbangs to begin with. you love to see it

(uraraka and laserguts) "do you like deku?" "WAAAA :O" lets go and flies backward then turns into a flying kick on sheer instinct mission failed successfully 'XD

(mina and kaminari) "I wonder how the principal will fight" this is gonna be REAL stupid, can't wait -- eh. 's good. no notes.

fuck yeah, been wondering what Korg's quirk is. also jiro's here too, happy bout that too -- oh, animals -- aye, mic's a hard counter to both. hm -- "these puny little ants outnumber him a hundred to" I mean yeah you get it -- 'XD koda doesn't like them either tho. Gonta Gokuhara, he is not

(hagukure and shoji) hagukure continues to mostly only be there for perv jokes -_-

(worst character and the tape guy) yeah this one's gonna be annoying. maybe they'll just skip it and do a cutaway thing saying they lost because mineta's worthless -- goddammit this fucker gets half a whole episode -- whoop de doo. she isn't attached to her whip tho… -- why'd that work? she fucking let him go for no reason. she wasn't even stuck to the ground herself, I don't think.

…I don't think I have anything going on tomorrow and my sleep pattern's already fucked, hell with it, might as well finish out the season here

"god explosion murder: origins" we know his origins, he has an inferiority complex because he was the king bully in a small town and thought he was the only kid who was gonna get into a big-name school, and he's just now being confronted with the fact that bluster and ego stop getting you anywhere past a point (when you aren't born a zillionaire) -- gonna be hard to talk vegeta out of flunking himself; best-case for deku is all might knocks him out and deku somehow pulls a win out of nowhere. I just really don't see bakugo getting nearly enough character development in nearly enough time to pass this, he's solidified too dense -- "you've been saying the greatest hero always wins since we were kids." yeah and he just stopped forming memories after that -- toss counter at 3 'XD -- JEEZUS, all might pulling the pro Smash player moves with that recoil tackle

-- well, I was sort of right about bakugo being knocked out. tbh tho I'm amazed that he let deku even touch one of his gauntlets, let alone fire one. he makes it hard not to underestimate and think the worst of him, but he keeps being scarily capable of cramming tactics into his head along with the piles and piles and piles of violence and hatred and self-hype

does it count as bakugo learning something from deku if what he learned was how to break himself in a bloodyminded grasp, not even for the moon, just to pass an exam, so that somebody has to fix him?

"some moved toward a new goal…" (shows uraraka) some got through on pure and unadulterated luck you mean

oh yeah, Handface and The Darkness are things. forgot about them. -- THE DANCING BOY HE'S HERE -- and, uh, Stab-Girl

I guess this one sets up the next season? we'll see

okay so I was understanding right that handface still doesn't like anything about stain and his "ideals," at least we're right side up on that. -- The Darkness is a good manager. spookily good.

uh. so. mr everything-i-touch-i-break has an arm around deku. did he just, like, win? -- …tea. frankly I dint know he wanted anyth - I'm sorry?

-- i -- …um. moving on? I think?

stain masks. freedom of merch, I guess : / getting weird with it this episode, I guess

"he yammered on about why he was doing what he was doing and got all over the news. I attacked a school for no explicit reason at all and everybody forgot about me. what's his secret, why are his ratings so much better than mine?"

uraraka could have wandered in from, it feels like, 60% of all the anime in existence. however, she does sometimes - well… the one time she really had her own plan was against bakugo and it didn't work, I dunno whether I can confidently say that she Gets To Do Things significantly more often than Sakura so far. : /

huh. not even an outro, then. but, uh, yeah, plot and things. quarter to five.