#Oscar worthy stuff

[dudja]

Classic Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson #Comedy #WeddingCrashers #Funny #Memes #legend #comédia

[wanderingpages]

Bf just looked at me and was like “Barbie was a comedy??”

[titathepixie]

@evilminji best comedy thriller sci-fi adventure movie in whatever year it was made

Looks like someone has the Oscar's all buttoned up for this year

[phas3d]

Fake Dating | Slytherin Boys

type :: fluff

tw/cw :: none

contains :: draco, tom, mattheo, theodore, lorenzo

notes :: fake dating is the FUEL TO MY LIFE AHHH slightly inspired by "please please please" by Sabrina Carpenter because ofc it is

DRACO MALFOY

He's bullied you for ages, literally making your high school years hell

But after his father and mother pressure him with questions about a girlfriend

He gets sick of it and wants to shut up for ONE NIGHT just one fucking night

So he gets you to pretend to be his partner, because you're the only girl willing to say yes (because ur scared of him)

Corners you and threatens you, "If you don't give me an Oscar worthy performance I will literally burn all of your uniforms and books"

Now you're at his house, eating expensive steak under 3 chandeliers

No one knows why he has 3 chandeliers,,, not even his parents

But instantly, his parents love you for your nerdiness and cuteness

They see you as a sweet and innocent little partner for Draco :)

But uh oh... you were TOO perfect for his parents

Now Draco is asking you to go with his parents to Germany for a "little trip"

Except their idea of a "little trip" is a week vacation in the most expensive hotel and meeting German celebrities

You can't speak German, but Draco can so he helps answer any questions asked towards you

But for some reason, he gets super agitated as you keep attending parties and people keep coming up to you

He gets so mad on the second-to-last-day of the week vacation to the point he grabs some random guys collar and shouts at him

You pull try to pull them apart but it's too late...

Draco gets his ass whooped... Badly... Embarrassingly bad...

You leave the party early, going back to the hotel alone as you patch his wounds

That's when you ask why he was so upset

But he refuses to answer, saying it's just that the guy was annoying

It's obvious that he's lying, so you keep pushing him and pushing him

So he angrily blurts out: "Because people keep fucking asking for your number!!! GOD!!! You're so dense!"

He says as he lightly flicks your forehead before staring deeply into your eyes: conveying everything he's been feeling for you for these past weeks of "fake dating"

TOM RIDDLE

Mattheo is Tom's worse enemy, despite being brothers

Yet again, Mattheo teases and mocks Tom for being a loser with zero "rizz" or whatever that means

He's sick of Mattheo's stupid ass slang, everyday he hears "you're a beta" "ur aura is so low" "zero rizz bruh"

He's literally going to kill him

But sadly he can't do that, so he comes up with a different solution

He chooses you, a random kid he did a project with once, to pretend to be his new partner

You were hesitant but he then threw in an extra bonus, he would do all your homework for two classes of your choice

So obviously you had to take it

He had to prepare you for the worse: Mattheo

Tom forced you to visit his dorm to study how to reply to Mattheo when you finally meet him

He also made you study how to act like a couple in public

Which he knew nothing about... He was technically right about hand holding and matching clothes

But his version of hand holding was very uncomfortable, the type where you don't interlock fingers

And the clothes he picked were ugly as hell, no way you'd ever wear that stuff

So you had to help him a lot with learning how to act natural in relationships

When he feels that you're finally prepared, he lets you meet Mattheo

Mattheo is super sus at first but is too dumb to question harshly

But now, you're stuck as pretending to be Tom's girlfriend for the rest of the year

He's painfully unaffectionate in public which makes you slightly embarrassed because he makes you look like a clingy girlfriend

But in private, when he's teaching you what to say and doing your homework: he's surprisingly sweet

He gets better at being a boyfriend over time and even takes you on full dates, not just fake photoshoots to post online

But he's still insisting to keep this relationship as just beneficial, no string attached

You can't help but start to fall for him, it's literally impossible to not

He gifts you everything you've ever wanted, takes you to fancy places, making him chuckle under his breathe feels more rewarding than any A+ ever, and those small private moments where you can feel a soul behind his eyes instead of the ice cold make you love him

So you cut it off with him, lying and saying you don't need the benefits and it's too hard to keep lying

He accepts this and lets you go

You end up being really popular once you're single

And that pisses him off ENDLESSLY

He found you first! He basically made you! You're still his, he can't let someone take all his hard work

And for some reason,,, he felt hollow after you left - as if he lost something dear to him

He's not sure how you brought out these emotions, but he wants it back ASAP

MATTHEO RIDDLE

Oh my god double trope: because Mattheo started dating you because he was dared to

You're seen as a kinda bitch in Hogwarts because a group of girls said so

But in reality, you're really chill and grounded, which surprised Mattheo when he went on your first date

You made him laugh a few times (a lot, he's too cocky to admit it)

And you also were really similar to Mattheo, you liked the same games and shows

As he kept pretending to date you, he started to actually like you and your presence

But he's still not too attached because he knows he needs to break up with you in about 2 months

As the weeks pass by, you accidentally read a message for Mattheo

It was from Theo, saying "Jesus dude, you two almost seem like a real couple. You should try acting haha"

You froze but started to plot your revenge on him

You kept acting like everything was fine and normal, and then broke up with HIM

Mattheo was shocked, because not only has he completely fallen for you but he's also never been broken up with

He unsure of what to do, but all he knows is he wants you back

THEODORE NOTT

Pulling girls has almost never been a problem for Theo his entire life

He even pulled grown women while being 14 years old (he's a victim...)

But his main problem is pulling a girl that would be approved by his parents

Theo surrounds himself with heavy drinkers, partiers, and dumb jocks: meaning there's not many partners that are "marriage material"

So he asks you, the Head Girl of your house, to pretend to be his girlfriend for family events

You agreed due to the large sum of money he was paying you, it's insane how rich he is

Every time Theo had a family event, he would just call you up and BOOM his family loves you

But as you keep coming to these family events, acting as a couple becomes less and less awkward for you both

You both agreed to not kiss each other due to this just being acting, plus kissing at family events is weird

But God, Theo really wants to break that rule when you and him are alone on the balcony at night while you ramble about the struggles of being Head Girl

He never thought he'd fall for the super nerdy, responsible, and awkward Head Girl - but he did, and he fell super hard

Theo wants to straight up ask you to be his real girlfriend, but he's so scared

He's scared of making you uncomfortable for catching feelings or making you think he planned this all along

LORENZO BERKSHIRE

Enzo's best friend is Blaise, almost everyone knows that

But what everyone also knows is that Blaise has the FATTEST crush on your best friend, Pansy Parkinson

And even more well known is that Pansy liked him back

There was literally no reason for these two to not get together, they were just too scared to confess

Which is odd since they're both so head-strong and confident, you guess it's just because they're scared of rejection

So Enzo reaches out to you, asking you to help come up with a plan to set them both up on a date

You two are complete strangers, only ever talking once or twice whilst in a group

So you both create a lie: that you and Enzo are going on a first date and need them to tag along to make it a "double date"

Obviously, this works on them because they're great friends

So now you and Enzo are on an awkward fake date while your best friends basically make out next to you

The original plan was just to tell Pansy and Blaise that there was no spark between you and Enzo

But due to you both spending an entire 12 hours together with Blaise and Pansy, you guys got comfortable with each others

He makes you laugh a ton and you do the same

You both love really niche topics and shows, even sharing the same favorite sports teams

Your bond only grows stronger after Blaise and Pansy ask for another double date

But you and Enzo take it slow, having the most sexual tension for months because you both were just claiming to be "friends only"

You finally broke that after about 4 months, thank God

[levenlike11]

a little lovesick satoru drabble after that horrible suna one, i really hope this is better.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

"oh god, here he comes." shoko sighs as gojo is nearing you, geto following close behind. you look over your shoulder and quickly turn back when you see the white haired, extremely annoying male.

"y/n-channn!!" gojo sings and throws himself on you, giving you not an inch of space to breathe with how he pushes his head and hair on your nose.

"hello satoru," you push him but fail to make him move so you pull his hair.

"OUCH! why would you do that to meee!?" gojo whines and stands up, turning around to look at geto who's grinning, amused by the situation.

"don't laugh at me! i'm suffering here." he pouts and shoko lets out the laugh she had been holding in.

"it couldn't have possibly hurt that much. stop overreacting." you say which only seems to make him sadder.

"now you announce me a drama queen, how will my heart ever recover?" he raises his hand to cover his face dramatically, contradicting himself. he never misses to give you an oscar worthy acting, so talented they would hire him to play in a shakespeare theater if he applied.

"you'll be fine." you mutter and open your book again, mumbling a curse under your breath when you realise you lost the page you were on.

"see, now i have to go through all the book to find my page." you sigh but gojo doesn't seem to care, still busy whining about how rude you are towards him.

"you never act this way with shoko, or geto. he's much less handsome than me- no offense bro." he turns at geto, who doesn't seem to mind the comment enough to argue back. it's just gojo and his usual dramatic-ness after all.

"because shoko is my best friend and geto is a really nice guy, who is definitely more handsome than you by the way." satoru quite literally throws himself on the ground after hearing those words come out of your mouth.

"i'd rather die than hear those words again coming from the love of my life." he closes his eyes. he looks like the people playing dead to fool a bear.

"i told you to stop calling me that, and it's the truth, he's much much more handsome, and cool, and strong.." you start counting but gojo cuts you off.

"i'm gojo satoru, mind you! the one with six eyes and stuff you know. i'm literally the coolest and the strongest."

"this is why they don't like you back." shoko chuckles and you sigh, putting your book down again. he doesn't look like he'll let you read at all.

"gojo-" "satoru, please. i want my love to call me by my name." "i am not your love, satoru, please leave me alone. i already told you i don't like you." he has called you a sadist multiple times. even 'the cruelest person on earth'.

"you do, actually." he smirks, "you looooove me. how could you not?"

"i currently do not feel anything positive towards you. i might start hating you if you don't get up soon." you'd be surprised how quickly he gets up after that.

"no, please don't! we still have to marry and buy a house with pets and raise kids together-" he gets on his knees and hugs your legs in front of him.

"slow down satoru, we don't even date yet." you laugh at this antics. he's the most stubborn person you've ever met, dedicated to get you to like him romantically. it's not like you really hate him, you sometimes even think you might like him back. just a little bit. but it's fun seeing him like this, so desperate for you. (it makes you feel nice.)

"yet?!" he springs up, grinning from ear to ear. "so we might date in the future?"

"not if you keep doing this."

"what if i take you out to dinner?" you act like you're thinking about it.

"maybe if you also take me to the bookstore later and buy me ice cream."

"GETO, DID YOU HEAR Y/N? we might go on a date!" he jumps on geto, hugging him tight. shoko and you are practically dying of laughter at this point.

"get off of me." geto pushes him away but also smiling, seeing how excited satoru is and happy since two of his close friends are finally about to get together. he's also glad he doesn't have to suffer while watching these moments on first row with shoko. (they don't know it'll be much worse and annoying after you start dating though.)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

☆ hope you enjoyed reading! please feel more than free to leave feedback and have a great day/night!🫶🏻

[hrrtshape]

FAME DR — random things i catch myself doing

⋆   checking my reflection in every reflective surface – not even trying to be vain; it just happens. windows, sunglasses, the back of my spoon in restaurants… gotta make sure the hair’s doing its thing!!!!!! can you blame me?? after scripting that im the most beautiful person in the galaxy world universe planet earth the extraterrestrial covering???

⋆  getting waay too into my own fan edits – i know, i know. i know !! but i can’t help it. cause why are some of these people lowkey bob ross’es…….. and god knows those iwishutalktalkwishutalktalkwishutalktalk edits slap!!!!!

⋆  making a mental list of all the celebrities i want to befriend – every awards show, it’s like, “ooooooooo, gotta chat with her next time. ye. ye,” or “could we handle being besties? or would she be too busy? would i be too busy??” 

⋆  doing my own mini-paparazzi test runs – i’ll walk down my hallway pretending it’s a red carpet, testing aaallll thé best angles and smiles for when the cameras flash. “which look is more it girl chic baddie mysterious diva core? do i give a little smile or keep it ice-cold? attitude?? fuck. what i do.”

⋆  googling my own name with random keywords – like “[…] + scandal” just to see what wild stories fans are spinning, or “[…] + best outfits” to remind myself that I AM…indeed.. that girl

⋆  pretending i’m on vogue’s “73 questions” while i do mundane stuff – loading the dishwasher or folding laundry, and all of a suddem i’m answering fake questions about my favourite ice cream flavour like the world is (definitelly….definitely…) watching.

⋆  using my awards as high-key decor – casually arranging grammy’s, oscars, tony’s and emmys’ on my living room shelf, so they’re visible for any.. unplanned photos. they might as well count as conversation starters.

⋆  accidentally stealing lip glosses from every makeup artist I work with – it’s not intentional! but I end up with an ever-growing collection of shades that accidentally find their way into my purse. oops ? the 11 year old kleptomaniac in me never left, i guess. 

⋆  tossing air-kisses to fans out the windows – dramatically waving out the window to invisible crowds like i’m on a royal tour. it’s mainly just for me, but I feel like the main character every single time.

⋆  practising my award speech in the shower – just in case, you know ? i’m running through all the thank yous and shoutouts, making sure the delivery is tear-worthy but not too dramatic.

⋆  catching myself using my best “signature” autograph – even when signing random receipts, i go full-on with my signature. i know it’ll end up on ebay one day, so i make it flawless every time.

⋆  overthinking my outfit to do something minor – even stepping out for two minutes has to look like it’s casual yet unbelievably chic. what if a fan spots me or a candid photo gets out? the pressure’s real.

⋆  choosing my airport outfits as if It’s a NYFW – the airport is a runway for the weary and jet-lagged, so i’m showing up in my finest oversized hoodie and designer shades, ready to be “spontaneously” photographed.

⋆  taking a nap between interview segments – there’s a tiny couch in my dressing room for a reason, and you better believe i’m getting that beauty sleep between each round of the press circuit. besides. it’s very convenient that i scripted i look angelic after waking up. so, yes! 

⋆  listening to my own songs on repeat (in private) – yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe it’s a little narcissistic, but when I’m alone, my music is basically my personal ‘bop-makker’ playlist. 

⋆  bringing little sweet treats to red carpets – you don’t know hunger until you’re in an all-day event in a tight dress with no food in sight, so yes, i stash some of those bombastic granola bars in my clutch.

⋆  updating my pinterest boards – 24/7 adding new aesthetics, vintage looks, moody photoshoots, and iconic glam shots for future eras. the grind never stops !! besides, it’s xtremely fun to find archival gowns that i could just be like… “yeah, i want it.” 

⋆  taking a pic every time i feel iconic !! – at the end of the day, it’s all about those little moments of mine. how could i not capture myself looking iconic with my hair blowing in the wind, or that one perfect winged eyeliner and i won an oscar. this is MY MOMENT. 

⋆  signing a signature with something xxxtra 4 fans – if i see a fan with my merch, i’ll randomly sign it and add hearts, sparkles, whatever i can just to make it extra special. just please don’t put it on ebay again with a doubled price 

⋆  giggling over my own wikipedia page – homemade margarita blender and a straw in it in hand, reading. yes. i do that. unemployed at heart. also sometimes raising an eyebrow when i encounter something false. like, no…i haven’t been dating dev patel. i mean, i wish ! 

⋆  humming my own lyrics while shopping — as if some people wouldn’t recognise them !! just a little “oopsy, did i just sing my grammy-winning chorus in the cereal aisle?”

⋆  leaving my phone on loud because it could be beyonce, for all intents and purposes — ready for all incoming calls. for interviews. for mysterious dinners. for my situationship to text me. for that movie role. but also probably just mom, calling to check on me.

⋆  breaking into runway walks — from the kitchen to the bathroom, because i !!!have!! to practice those killer strides. preferably in slippers.

⋆  complimenting my own acting in movies — like……“damn, i’m talented. i’m pretty good at this, huh..” lowkey shocking myelf during certain scenes, because yes, i went *THERE.*

⋆  collecting little trinkets from world tours — coasters, matchbooks, hotel room keys (should’ve probably given those back, now that i’m thinking about it), because each one is a time capsule from the adventure.

⋆  randomly testing my oscar acceptance expressions in the mirror — gotta know how much to cry, smile, or look truly humbled when the time comes !!!!

[jaeedraszaerysz]

JON SNOW ☆ DATING HCS

SFW 💕💕

It would probably take him a while to trust you if you hadn't known him very long.

If you grew up with or close to the Starks he tried to befriend you before Robb did

He would always be scared that he would steal your heart away

You would spend hours mocking the men and women of the courts

When Robert Baratheon came to visit you both sat outside taking the piss out of all the Lords and ladies and any twat who dared speak low of either of you.

Tyrion Lannister defos assumed u were a couple and when you told him otherwise, he just shook his head.

Catelyn would probably despise you for being so close to him.

Ned would love you though, thanking the gods silently that the boy had someone by his side.

He would probably have kissed you before he left for the nights watch and spent his nights wondering whether leaving you was worth it all.

When you eventually found your way back to him it was rather chaotic.

You were probably interrogated by tormund on arrival

Atleast until Jon saw you, never forgetting your face.

You probably punched him square in the face and then proceeded to have a huge, westeros equivalent of Oscar worthy, makeput session infront of everyone.

Ghost, when not growling at random twats, would act like a second protector when Jon wasn't by your side.

Arya either loves you or hates you

Sansa is, just like her father was, happy Jon has someone.

Bran doesn't care. He's too busy wheeling around doing seven eyes Sparrow shit or whatever he called it.

You and Davos defos spend ages tryna talk some sense into him.

He always seems to be holding you in some way

Whether it be your arm, hand, waist. He would probably play with your hands or you hair often.

Is always bloody staring

Like never stops

His eyes are for you and only you

Takes. You. Everywhere.

Like no debates. He goes, you follow. Or vice versa.

He took you with him to meet with ramsay and if he made any comment whatsoever it was straight up a routine by now.

Death stare, holds onto you twelve times tighter, kills the offender within 24 hours.

Loves it when you fall asleep on him because he's happy you feel safe with him.

Head kisses.

Need I say more?

Everywhere anytime.

Head. Fucking. Kisses.

Walking past. Head kiss.

Sat next to him at dinner. Head kiss.

In an extremely serious situation requiring your full attention. Head kiss.

Dying. Head kiss.

It's like his fucking bread and butter.

When you first met daenerys it was bad vibes.

Like very bad.

No clue why she just doesn't sit right with you.

Either grows to love you or ends up hating you with a passion.

No in-between.

He dreams of having a normal life.

He would want three kids, two boys and girl so they could protect their sister.

Maybe another direwolf or four. One for each and one for you.

Can't sleep when you aren't next to him.

Teaches you to sword fight extremely early on in your relationship.

If you were ill or pregnant he would never leave your side.

Never ever ever never.

He's convinced that you could have a hundred children and you would still be the person he loves most in the world.

Would do anything for you.

Minors DNI below this line.

NSFW ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 (implied female reader)

Worships you like no one else

Touching you always.

Passes it off for his hand on your back but in reality he's secretly caressing your ass, or will have his arms under your cloak, passing it off as a hug, and will gently squeeze your boobs.

Neck kisses.

His favourite thing in the world.

Loves to leave marks on you wherever he can.

Has definitely kissed every inch of your body

Gives no fucks about scars or hair or anything of the sort.

Boobs.

Lives laughs loves your boobs.

Will lay with his face buried in them at any time.

Minor inconvenience? Someone was being a twat? He's tired?

Boob pillow.

Will eat you out for hours.

Insatiable.

You have any problems at all? Sit on his face.

If he's had a bad day he will legit just stuff his face between your thighs.

His fave place.

Says that if you suffocated him it would be an amazing way to go.

Probably prefers giving but he will never say no to receiving.

His dick is probs like 6-7 inches.

Takes tormunds advice very seriously.

Loves to see how many fingers you can take before he stuffs you.

Will go for as many rounds as you need.

Always a gentleman, making sure your comfortable and that your satisfied.

Cockwarming he loves.

Cuddles afterwards.

He will slide out of you and pull you onto on him, pulling the blankets up and wrapping his body around yours.

Calls you love but with his gorgeous deep voice.

Has a sexy asf morning voice.

He's so whipped for you he can't function somedays.

[freedomfireflies]

hi bestie, can i request smth where harry is filming dwd and olivia keeps trying to get at harry and hit on him but he denies her every time and one day where reader comes to set she and harry are both in harry’s trailer but olivia doesn’t know reader is there so she tries hitting on harry again and starts saying rlly inappropriate things and reader hears and puts her in her place and says that if she ever talks to harry in a way other than a precessional way she’ll expose her or something? idk if that made sense haha and harry gets all happy and is like you are my lord and savior 😭 can you make reader a really bad bitch 😭😭 💕

Hi! Yes, so, I’m changing things a bit because I’m personally not a super big fan of bringing Olivia herself into this kind of stuff but I’m absolutely keeping the premise!! Just changing the antagonist to someone fictional instead! Obviously you can still picture her if you’d like but I hope this will be okay and that whoever asked will still enjoy 😭💞

“‘I know exactly where you can stick that can of tuna, Jack-ass.’”

Harry smirks, eyes peering over the top of his script at you. “The line is, ‘Hi, honey, welcome home.’”

“Oh. Weird. I must have gotten a different script cause mine definitely says the other thing,” you reply innocently, batting your eyelashes as he exhales a soft laugh. “Yeah, see…right there. Jack. Ass.”

“Oh, it does, does it?”

“It does. Strange, huh?”

“Uh-huh. Very.”

You bite at your lip to refrain from grinning as you return your eyes to the page. “Okay, well…I think you’re good for tomorrow’s scene. I mean, it’s kind of all about her, anyway, so…no one will really be paying attention to you.”

“Gee, thanks,” he snorts as he straightens up on the small couch, tossing the script to the side.

“Hey, am I wrong?” You blink. “Hello. Florence fucking Pugh is in the same frame, I guarantee you nobody is looking at you.”

“Oh, well, I’m flattered,” he retorts, hand coming up to his chest in faux appreciation. “No, really. Give me another compliment. I think I’m blushing.”

Your eyes roll playfully as you gingerly chuck a water bottle at him. It flies across the tiny trailer and whacks him in the stomach as he flinches, laughing as it falls into his lap. “Hysterical. Truly,” you bite back. “Been a movie star for five minutes and think you’re the shit.”

He tosses his arms along the back of the couch, settling in a bit further as he nods at you. “S’been at least ten minutes, love.”

“Right, and to this day, iCarly is still your best work.”

“…you know what, I’m not even gonna argue with you on that one. I really did shine.”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“Sucked the shit out of that water bottle.”

“You really did.”

“Oscar-worthy, I’d say.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

He eyes you from his spot, sensing your teasing tone, and before you can clock his sneaky intentions, he’s lifting the water bottle into the air, twisting off the cap, and flinging the water at you.

You gasp as the water effectively drenches your hair, face, and chest. You attempt to shield yourself by throwing your arms up, but it’s too late, and Harry lets out a deep, guttural laugh. 

“Oh, you dick,” you squeal, immediately standing as you throw him a peeved look. “See, this is why I don’t take you home to my mother.”

He’s wearing a shit-eating grin as he watches you scramble to the bathroom. “Oops.”

“Oops my ass.” You attempt to wring some of the water out of your hair as you glance at your reflection in the tiny mirror. “I can’t go out there and let Chris Pine see me like this!”

Another laugh. “Why not?”

“Because I love him and I have mascara dripping down my face,” you huff, swiping a knuckle under your eye. “Oh, God, this is bad. Okay, gimme five, I gotta reset.”

“Babe,” he calls with another chuckle. “You look fine—”

“Bite me!” you retort quickly before slamming the door shut. “Shit! Where’s my setting powder?”

You hear him snort to himself from the other side but soon turn your attention back to the canvas that he so elegantly ruined.

It had taken you twenty minutes to get the eyeliner wing this sharp.

You frown as you get to work, and for the next couple of minutes, your focus remains on your own reflection as you hear Harry humming to himself on the couch.

And then…the humming stops.

“Hey…?”

“Hey, so sorry to bother you. I just wanted to check in before you leave, make sure you’re doing all right with the revisions.”

You pause, leaning a bit closer to the door as a second voice enters the trailer.

“Oh…yeah. Went over it this afternoon. I like it, it sounds good. I think it’ll be really impactful.”

“Oh, good. Good, yeah. Yeah, I’m really looking forward to watching you and Florence bring it to life. I’ve said it before, but we really are just so lucky to have you both on board.”

You finally recognize the voice, placing it to the face of the film’s director, Angela. And now that your curiosity is satisfied, you return to your task as the conversation continues to slip underneath the door.

“Hey, it’s all thanks to your vision,” Harry is humbly responding. “I just feel lucky to be a part of it.”

A bit of silence as you swipe your lipstick along your bottom lip before you hear the sound of footsteps climbing up the stairs and into the trailer.

“You’re such a doll. No, really, that’s such a kind to say,” Angela gushes. “You know…this whole casting process was really just…it was so stressful there for a minute but after I saw your audition tape, I just knew you’d be our Jack.”

“Listen, I’m just glad it worked out the way it did. It’s kind of nice to dip my toe into this side of the industry and I’ve got a lot of really great mentors to help me along.”

“Oh, absolutely. I mean, we just have such a fantastic cast. You’re in great hands.”

A beat.

“And, you know, I’ve said this before but…if you ever need anything at all, you just need to let me know,” Angela says. “You’re my top priority, and I want to make sure you feel taken care of.”

“Thanks, that’s really—”

Suddenly, it goes quiet. Far too quiet and for a moment, you wonder if they’ve left the trailer altogether.

You step out of the bathroom and glance both ways, just to check and make sure he didn’t leave you behind.

But instead of an empty trailer, you find Harry.

And Angela.

And her tongue.

Down his throat.

Your eyebrows just about fly off your forehead as you clear your throat and call, “I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

Terrified, and a bit pale, Harry leans back and catches your eye, expression frazzled like a deer caught in headlights.

Angela, however, is a bit slower to remove herself from his body, finally stepping back with a bit of a wounded smile. “Oh, my gosh…I’m so sorry. This…this isn’t how I wanted you to find out, I—”

“Find what out?” you ask just as Harry says, “I’m sorry, what?”

She quickly looks between you both, palm hovering over her mouth as if stunned. “Oh! I’m…I’m sorry, I thought you told her.”

“Told me what?” you repeat, stepping closer, and looking to Harry.

Poor thing looks like he’s about to keel over.

“About…our…arrangement,” she answers shyly, and your eyes narrow.

Harry blinks. “We…what? What arrangement, I—”

“Oh. That arrangement. Got it,” you cut in, nodding as you finally put the pieces together.

Both Harry and Angela turn to look at you, surprised. 

“Yeah,” you agree, taking another step as you meet her eye. “Yeah, no. Florence told me about this thing you do where you try to fuck your actors and exploit them for fame. Oh, and how your entire marriage is a sham, and you’re trying to get out of it by pretending you were the innocent, bad-ass feminist just trying to do her job when you were blackmailed into sleeping with your costar.”

She swallows as Harry’s jaw nearly drops.

“Oh, she also told me that if I were to find you…arranging yourself on my man, then I should remind you of section 15, paragraph 3 of the contract you signed,” you add, arms crossing over your chest. “Does that…ring any bells?”

Her cheeks flush. “Look, I wasn’t trying to—”

“I’m sure,” you hum. “But you did, and now you’re done. Thank you so much for stopping by. Buh-bye now.”

And with that, you gesture toward the door. 

A rather petrified Angela stands to her feet, knees a bit wobbly as she makes her way for the exit.

And just before she can close the door, you call, “Oh, and just a little tip…when you see the officers? Don’t run.”

The door slams shut before you have the chance to see her expression but something tells you…it was everything.

Now, you turn to Harry, still glued to the small sofa. “Anything you have to say for yourself?”

He straightens up, nearly tripping over his tongue as he begins to explain, “I promise, I don’t know what happened, she just put her hand on my thigh and suddenly it was, like, all the way up my thigh, and her mouth was like…right there, and I didn’t know what to do, and I wasn’t sure what was even happening, or if it was part of the script or something, and I—”

You close the gap between you and take his face between your palms. “Harry?”

He winds down to a stop. “…yeah?”

You grin. “I love you.”

Utter relief floods his features as he sighs and melts back into the cushions. “I love you, too. Thank you, by the way. Ironically, she tasted like canned tuna.”

You laugh as you flop down beside him, whacking at his chest on the way down. “Ew. Poor Nick.”

“Right? iCarly would never do this to me.”

For a moment, you can only chuckle, and despite the rather interesting turn of events…you can’t deny your joy.

“No,” you agree with a grin. “No, she would not.”

~ Full Masterlist

~ Other Harry Blurbs

[rhysdarbinizedarby]

Couch surfer in his 30s. Oscar winner in his 40s. Why the whole world wants Taika

**Notes: This is very long post!**

Good Weekend

In his 30s, he was sleeping on couches. By his 40s, he’d directed a Kiwi classic, taken a Marvel movie to billion-dollar success, and won an Oscar. Meet Taika Waititi, king of the oddball – and one of New Zealand’s most original creative exports.

Taika Waititi: “Be a nice person and live a good life. And just don’t be an arsehole.”

The good news? Taika Waititi is still alive. I wasn’t sure. The screen we were speaking through jolted savagely a few minutes ago, with a cacophonous bang and a confused yelp, then radio silence. Now the Kiwi ­ filmmaker is back, grinning like a loon: “I just broke the f---ing table, bro!”

Come again? “I just smashed this f---ing table and glass flew everywhere. It’s one of those old annoying colonial tables. It goes like this – see that?” Waititi says, holding up a folding furniture leg. “I hit the mechanism and it wasn’t locked. Anyway …”

I’m glad he’s fine. The stuff he’s been saying from his London hotel room could incur biblical wrath. We’re talking about his latest project, Next Goal Wins, a movie about the American Samoa soccer team’s quest to score a solitary goal, 10 years after suffering the worst loss in the game’s international history – a 31-0 ­ignominy to Australia – but our chat strays into ­spirituality, then faith, then religion.

“I don’t personally believe in a big guy sitting on a cloud judging everyone, but that’s just me,” Waititi says, deadpan. “Because I’m a grown-up.”

This is the way his interview answers often unfold. Waititi addresses your topic – dogma turns good people bad, he says, yet belief itself is worth lauding – but bookends every response with a conspiratorial nudge, wink, joke or poke. “Regardless of whether it’s some guy living on a cloud, or some other deity that you’ve made up – and they’re all made up – the message across the board is the same, and it’s important: Be a nice person, and live a good life. And just don’t be an arsehole!”

Not being an arsehole seems to have served Waititi, 48, well. Once a national treasure and indie darling (through the quirky tenderness of his breakout New Zealand films Boy in 2010 and Hunt for the Wilderpeople in 2016), Waititi then became a star of both the global box office (through his 2017 entry into the Marvel Universe, Thor: Ragnarok, which grossed more than $1.3 billion worldwide) and then the Academy Awards (winning the 2020 best adapted screenplay Oscar for his subversive Holocaust dramedy JoJo Rabbit, in which he played an imaginary Hitler).

Waititi playing Adolf Hitler in the 2019 movie JoJo Rabbit. (Alamy)

A handsome devil with undeniable roguish charm, Waititi also slid seamlessly into style-icon status (attending this year’s Met Gala shirtless, in a floor-length gunmetal-grey Atelier Prabal Gurung wrap coat, with pendulous pearl necklaces), as well as becoming his own brand (releasing an eponymous line of canned ­coffee drinks) and bona fide Hollywood A-lister (he was introduced to his second wife, British singer Rita Ora, by actor Robert Pattinson at a barbecue).

Putting that platform to use, Waititi is an Indigenous pioneer and mentor, too, co-creating the critically acclaimed TV series Reservation Dogs, while co-founding the Piki Films production company, committed to promoting the next generation of storytellers – a mission that might sound all weighty and worthy, yet Waititi’s new wave of First Nations work is never earnest, always mixing hurt with heart and howling humour.

Waititi with wife Rita Ora at the 2023 Met Gala in May. (Getty Images)

Makes sense. Waititi is a byproduct of “the weirdest coupling ever” – his late Maori father from the Te Whanau-a-Apanui tribe was an artist, farmer and “Satan’s Slaves” bikie gang founder, while his Wellington schoolteacher mum descended from Russian Jews, although he’s not devout about her faith. (“No, I don’t practise,” he confirms. “I’m just good at everything, straight away.”)

He’s remained loyally tethered to his ­origin story, too – and to a cadre of creative Kiwi mates, including actors Jemaine Clement and Rhys Darby – never forgetting that not long before the actor/writer/producer/director was an industry maven, he was a penniless painter/photographer/ musician/comedian.

With no set title and no fixed address, he’s seemingly happy to be everything, everywhere (to everyone) all at once. “‘The universe’ is bandied around a lot these days, but I do believe in the kind of connective tissue of the universe, and the energy that – scientifically – we are made up of a bunch of atoms that are bouncing around off each other, and some of the atoms are just squished together a bit tighter than others,” he says, smiling. “We’re all made of the same stardust, and that’s pretty special.”

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We’ve caught Waititi in a somewhat relaxed moment, right before the screen actors’ and media artists’ strike ends. He’s ­sensitive to the struggle but doesn’t deny enjoying the break. “I spent a lot of time thinking about writing, and not writing, and having a nice ­holiday,” he tells Good Weekend. “Honestly, it was a good chance just to recombobulate.”

Waititi, at right, with Hunt for the Wilderpeople actors, from left, Sam Neill, Rhys Darby and Julian Dennison. (Getty Images)

It’s mid-October, and he’s just headed to Paris to watch his beloved All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup. He’s deeply obsessed with the game, and sport in general. “Humans spend all of our time knowing what’s going to happen with our day. There’s no surprises ­any more. We’ve become quite stagnant. And I think that’s why people love sport, because of the air of unpredictability,” he says. “It’s the last great arena entertainment.”

The main filmic touchstone for Next Goal Wins (which premieres in Australian cinemas on New Year’s Day) would be Cool Runnings (1993), the unlikely true story of a Jamaican bobsled team, but Waititi also draws from genre classics such as Any Given Sunday and Rocky, sampling trusted tropes like the musical training montage. (His best one is set to Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears.)

Filming in Hawaii was an uplifting experience for the self-­described Polynesian Jew. “It wasn’t about death, or people being cruel to each other. Thematically, it was this simple idea, of getting a small win, and winning the game wasn’t even their goal – their goal was to get a goal,” he says. “It was a really sweet backbone.”

Waititi understands this because, growing up, he was as much an athlete as a nerd, fooling around with softball and soccer before discovering rugby league, then union. “There’s something about doing exercise when you don’t know you’re doing exercise,” he enthuses. “It’s all about the fun of throwing a ball around and trying to achieve something together.” (Whenever Waititi is in Auckland he joins his mates in a long-running weekend game of touch rugby. “And then throughout the week I work out every day. Obviously. I mean, look at me.”)

Auckland is where his kids live, too, so he spends as much time there as possible. Waititi met his first wife, producer Chelsea Winstanley, on the set of Boy in 2010, and they had two daughters, Matewa Kiritapu, 8, and his firstborn, Te Kainga O’Te Hinekahu, 11. (The latter is a derivative of his grandmother’s name, but he jokes with American friends that it means “Resurrection of Tupac” or “Mazda RX7″) Waititi and Winstanley split in about 2018, and he married the pop star Ora in 2022.

He offers a novel method for balancing work with parenthood … “Look, you just abandon them, and know that the experience will make them harder individuals later on in life. And it’s their problem,” he says. “I’m going to give them all of the things that they need, and I’m going to leave behind a decent bank ­account for their therapy, and they will be just like me, and the cycle will continue.”

Jokes aside – I think he’s joking – school holidays are always his, and he brings the girls onto the set of every movie he makes. “They know enough not to get in the way or touch anything that looks like it could kill you, and they know to be respectful and quiet when they need to. But they’re just very comfortable around filmmakers, which I’m really happy about, because eventually I hope they will get into the ­industry. One more year,” he laughs, “then they can leave school and come work for Dad.”

Theirs is certainly a different childhood than his. Growing up, he was a product of two worlds. His given names, for instance, were based on his appearance at birth: “Taika David” if he looked Maori (after his Maori grandfather) and “David Taika” if he looked Pakeha (after his white grandfather). His parents split when he was five, so he bounced between his dad’s place in Waihau Bay, where he went by the surname Waititi, and his mum, eight hours drive away in Wellington, where he went by Cohen (the last name on his birth ­certificate and passport).

Waititi was precocious, even charismatic. His mother Robin once told Radio New Zealand that people always wanted to know him, even as an infant: “I’d be on a bus with him, and he was that kind of baby who smiled at people, and next thing you know they’re saying, ‘Can I hold your baby?’ He’s always been a charmer to the public eye.”

He describes himself as a cool, sporty, good-looking nerd, raised on whatever pop culture screened on the two TV channels New Zealand offered in the early 1980s, from M*A*S*H and Taxi to Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson. He was well-read, too. When punished by his mum, he would likely be forced to analyse a set of William Blake poems.

He puts on a whimpering voice to describe their finances – “We didn’t have much monneeey” – explaining how his mum spent her days in the classroom but also worked in pubs, where he would sit sipping a raspberry lemonade, doodling drawings and writing stories. She took in ­ironing and cleaned houses; he would help out, learning valuable lessons he imparts to his kids. “And to random people who come to my house,” he says. “I’ll say, ‘Here’s a novel idea, wash this dish,’ but people don’t know how to do anything these days.”

“Every single character I’ve ever written has been based on someone I’ve known or met or a story I’ve stolen from someone.” - Taika Waititi

He loved entertaining others, clearly, but also himself, recording little improvised radio plays on a tape deck – his own offbeat versions of ET and Indiana Jones and Star Wars. “Great free stuff where you don’t have any idea what the story is as you’re doing it,” he says. “You’re just sort of making it up and enjoying the ­freedom of playing god in this world where you can make people and characters do whatever you want.”

His other sphere of influence lay in Raukokore, the tiny town where his father lived. Although Boy is not autobiographical, it’s deeply personal insofar as it’s filmed in the house where he grew up, and where he lived a life similar to that portrayed in the story, surrounded by his recurring archetypes: warm grandmothers and worldly kids; staunch, stoic mums; and silly, stunted men. “Every single character I’ve ever written has been based on someone I’ve known or met,” he says, “or a story I’ve stolen from someone.”

He grew to love drawing and painting, obsessed early on with reproducing the Sistine Chapel. During a 2011 TED Talk on creativity, Waititi describes his odd subject matter, from swastikas and fawns to a picture of an old lady going for a walk … upon a sword … with Robocop. “My father was an outsider artist, even though he wouldn’t know what that meant,” Waititi told the audience in Doha. “I love the naive. I love people who can see things through an innocent viewpoint. It’s inspiring.”

After winning Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award for JoJo Rabbit in 2020. (Getty Images)

It was an interesting time in New Zealand, too – a coming-of-age decade in which the Maori were rediscovering their culture. His area was poor, “but only ­financially,” he says. “It’s very rich in terms of the ­people and the culture.” He learned kapa haka – the songs, dances and chants performed by competing tribes at cultural events, or to honour people at funerals and graduations – weddings, parties, ­anything. “Man, any excuse,” he explains. “A big part of doing them is to uplift your spirits.”

Photography was a passion, so I ask what he shot. “Just my penis. I sent them to people, but we didn’t have phones, so I would print them out, post them. One of the first dick pics,” he says. Actually, his lens was trained on regular people. He watches us still – in airports, ­restaurants. “Other times late at night, from a tree. Whatever it takes to get the story. You know that.”

He went to the Wellington state school Onslow College and did plays like Androcles and the Lion, A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Crucible. His crew of arty students eventually ended up on stage at Bats Theatre in the city, where they would perform haphazard comedy shows for years.

“Taika was always rebellious and wild in his comedy, which I loved,” says his high school mate Jackie van Beek, who became a longtime collaborator, including working with Waititi on a Tourism New Zealand campaign this year. “I remember he went through a phase of turning up in bars around town wearing wigs, and you’d try and sit down and have a drink with him but he’d be doing some weird character that would invariably turn up in some show down the track.”

He met more like-minded peers at Victoria University, including Jemaine Clement (who’d later become co-creator of Flight of the Conchords). During a 2019 chat with actor Elijah Wood, Waititi ­describes he and Clement clocking one another from opposite sides of the library one day: a pair of Maoris experiencing hate at first sight, based on a mutual suspicion of cultural appropriation. (Clement was wearing a traditional tapa cloth Samoan shirt, and Waititi was like: “This motherf---er’s not Samoan.” Meanwhile, Waititi was wearing a Rastafarian beanie, and Clement was like, “This ­motherf---er’s not Jamaican.”)

With Jemaine Clement in 2014. (Getty Images)

But they eventually bonded over Blackadder and Fawlty Towers, and especially Kenny Everett, and did comedy shows together everywhere from Edinburgh to Melbourne. Waititi was almost itinerant, spending months at a time busking, or living in a commune in Berlin. He acted in a few small films, and then – while playing a stripper on a bad TV show – realised he wanted to try life behind the camera. “I became tired of being told what to do and ordered around,” he told Wellington’s Dominion Post in 2004. “I remember sitting around in the green room in my G-string ­thinking, ‘Why am I doing this? Just helping someone else to realise their dream.’ ”

He did two strong short films, then directed his first feature – Eagle vs Shark (2007) – when he was 32. He brought his mates along (Clement, starring with Waititi’s then-girlfriend Loren Horsley), setting something of a pattern in his career: hiring friends instead of constantly navigating new working relationships. “If you look at things I’m doing,” he tells me, “there’s ­always a few common denominators.”

Sam Neill says Waititi is the exemplar of a new New Zealand humour. “The basis of it is this: we’re just a little bit crap at things.”

This gang of collaborators shares a common Kiwi vibe, too, which his longtime friend, actor Rhys Darby, once coined “the comedy of the mundane”. Their new TV show, Our Flag Means Death, for example, leans heavily into the mundanity of pirate life – what happens on those long days at sea when the crew aren’t unsheathing swords from scabbards or burying treasure.

Waititi plays pirate captain Blackbeard, centre, in Our Flag Means Death, with Rhys Darby, left, and Rory Kinnear. (Google Images)

Sam Neill, who first met Waititi when starring in Hunt for the Wilderpeople, says Waititi is the exemplar of a new New Zealand humour. “And I think the basis of it is this,” says Neill. “We’re just a little bit crap at things, and that in itself is funny.” After all, Neill asks, what is What We Do in The Shadows (2014) if not a film (then later a TV show) about a bunch of vampires who are pretty crap at being vampires, ­living in a pretty crappy house, not quite getting busted by crappy local cops? “New Zealand often gets named as the least corrupt country in the world, and I think it’s just that we would be pretty crap at being corrupt,” Neill says. “We don’t have the capacity for it.”

Waititi’s whimsy also spurns the dominant on-screen oeuvre of his homeland – the so-called “cinema of ­unease” exemplified by the brutality of Once Were Warriors (1994) and the emotional peril of The Piano (1993). Waititi still explores pathos and pain, but through laughter and weirdness. “Taika feels to me like an ­antidote to that dark aspect, and a gift somehow,” Neill says. “And I’m grateful for that.”

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Something happened to Taika Waititi when he was about 11 – something he doesn’t go into with Good Weekend, but which he considered a betrayal by the adults in his life. He ­mentioned it only recently – not the ­moment itself, but the lesson he learnt: “That you cannot and must not rely on grown-ups to help you – you’re basically in the world alone, and you’re gonna die alone, and you’ve just gotta make it all for yourself,” he told Irish podcast host James Brown. “I basically never forgave people in positions of responsibility.”

What does that mean in his work? First, his finest films tend to reflect the clarity of mind possessed by children, and the unseen worlds they create – fantasies conjured up as a way to understand or overcome. (His mum once summed up the main ­message of Boy: “The ­unconditional love you get from your children, and how many of us waste that, and don’t know what we’ve got.”)

Second, he’s suited to movie-making – “Russian roulette with art” – because he’s drawn to disruptive force and chaos. And that in turn produces creative defiance: allowing him to reinvigorate the Marvel Universe by making superheroes fallible, or tell a Holocaust story by making fun of Hitler. “Whenever I have to deal with someone who’s a boss, or in charge, I challenge them,” he told Brown, “and I really do take whatever they say with a pinch of salt.”

It’s no surprise then that Waititi was comfortable leaping from independent films to the vast complexity of Hollywood blockbusters. He loves the challenge of coordinating a thousand interlocking parts, requiring an army of experts in vocations as diverse as construction, sound, art, performance and logistics. “I delegate a lot,” he says, “and share the load with a lot of people.”

“This is a cool concept, being able to ­afford whatever I want, as opposed to sleeping on couches until I was 35.” - Taika Waititi

But the buck stops with him. Time magazine named Waititi one of its Most Influential 100 People of 2022. “You can tell that a film was made by Taika Waititi the same way you can tell a piece was painted by Picasso,” wrote Sacha Baron Cohen. Compassionate but comic. Satirical but watchable. Rockstar but auteur. “Actually, sorry, but this guy’s really starting to piss me off,” Cohen concluded. “Can someone else write this piece?”

Directing Chris Hemsworth in 2017 in Thor: Ragnarok, which grossed more than $1.3 billion at the box office. (Alamy)

I’m curious to know how he stays grounded amid such adulation. Coming into the game late, he says, helped immensely. After all, Waititi was 40 by the time he left New Zealand to do Thor: Ragnarok. “If you let things go to your head, then it means you’ve struggled to find out who you are,” he says. “But I’ve always felt very comfortable with who I am.” Hollywood access and acclaim – and the pay cheques – don’t erase memories of poverty, either. “It’s more like, ‘Oh, this is a cool concept, being able to ­afford whatever I want, as opposed to sleeping on couches until I was 35.’ ” Small towns and strong tribes keep him in check, too. “You know you can’t piss around and be a fool, because you’re going to embarrass your family,” he says. “Hasn’t stopped me, though.”

Sam Neill says there was never any doubt Waititi would be able to steer a major movie with energy and imagination. “It’s no accident that the whole world wants Taika,” he says. “But his seductiveness comes with its own dangers. You can spread yourself a bit thin. The temptation will be to do more, more, more. That’ll be interesting to watch.”

Indeed, I find myself vicariously stressed out over the list of potential projects in Waititi’s future. A Roald Dahl animated series for Netflix. An Apple TV show based on the 1981 film Time Bandits. A sequel to What We Do In The Shadows. A reboot of Flash Gordon. A gonzo horror comedy, The Auteur, starring Jude Law. Adapting a cult graphic novel, The Incal, as a feature. A streaming series based on the novel Interior Chinatown. A film based on a Kazuo Ishiguro bestseller. Plus bringing to life the wildly popular Akira comic books. Oh, and for good measure, a new instalment of Star Wars, which he’s already warned the world will be … different.

“It’s going to change things,” he told Good Morning America. “It’s going to change what you guys know and expect.”

Did I say I was stressed for Waititi? I meant physically sick.

“Well…” he qualifies, “some of those things I’m just producing, so I come up with an idea or someone comes to me with an idea, and I shape how ‘it’s this kind of show’ and ‘here’s how we can get it made.’ It’s easier for me to have a part in those things and feel like I’ve had a meaningful role in the creative process, but also not having to do what I’ve always done, which is trying to control everything.”

In the 2014 mockumentary horror film What We Do in the Shadows, which he co-directed with Jemaine Clement. (Alamy)

What about moving away from the niche New Zealand settings he represented so well in his early work? How does he stay connected to his roots? “I think you just need to know where you’re from,” he says, “and just don’t forget that.”

They certainly haven’t forgotten him.

Jasmin McSweeney sits in her office at the New Zealand Film Commission in Wellington, surrounded by promotional posters Waititi signed for her two decades ago, when she was tasked with promoting his nascent talent. Now the organisation’s marketing chief, she talks to me after visiting the heart of thriving “Wellywood”, overseeing the traditional karakia prayer on the set of a new movie starring Geoffrey Rush.

Waititi isn’t the first great Kiwi filmmaker – dual Oscar-winner Jane Campion and blockbuster king Peter Jackson come to mind – yet his particular ascendance, she says, has spurred unparalleled enthusiasm. “Taika gave everyone here confidence. He always says, ‘Don’t sit around waiting for people to say, you can do this.’ Just do it, because he just did it. That’s the Taika effect.”

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Taika David Waititi is known for wearing everything from technicolour dreamcoats to pineapple print rompers, and today he’s wearing a roomy teal and white Isabel Marant jumper. The mohair garment has the same wispy frizz as his hair, which curls like a wave of grey steel wool, and connects with a shorn salty beard.

A stylish silver fox, it wouldn’t surprise anyone if he suddenly announced he was launching a fashion label. He’s definitely a commercial animal, to the point of directing television commercials for Coke and Amazon, along with a fabulous 2023 spot for Belvedere vodka starring Daniel Craig. He also joined forces with a beverage company in Finland (where “taika” means “magic”) to release his coffee drinks. Announcing the partnership on social media, he flagged that he would be doing more of this kind of stuff, too (“Soz not soz”).

Waititi has long been sick of reverent portrayals of Indigenous people talking to spirits.

There’s substance behind the swank. Fashion is a creative outlet but he’s also bought sewing machines in the past with the intention of designing and making clothes, and comes from a family of tailors. “I learnt how to sew a button on when I was very young,” he says. “I learnt how to fix holes or patches in your clothes, and darn things.”

And while he gallivants around the globe watching Wimbledon or modelling for Hermès at New York Fashion Week, all that glamour belies a depth of purpose, particularly when it comes to Indigenous representation.

There’s a moment in his new movie where a Samoan player realises that their Dutch coach, played by Michael Fassbender, is emotionally struggling, and he offers a lament for white people: “They need us.” I can’t help but think Waititi meant something more by that line – maybe that First Nations people have ­wisdom to offer if others will just listen?

“Weeelllll, a little bit …” he says – but from his intonation, and what he says next, I’m dead wrong. Waititi has long been sick of reverent ­portrayals of Indigenous people talking to kehua (spirits), or riding a ghost waka (phantom canoe), or playing a flute on a mountain. “Always the boring characters,” he says. “They’ve got no real contemporary relationship with the world, because they’re always living in the past in their spiritual ways.”

A scene from Next Goal Wins, filmed earlier this year. (Alamy)

He’s part of a vanguard consciously poking fun at those stereotypes. Another is the Navajo writer and director Billy Luther, who met Waititi at Sundance Film Festival back in 2003, along with Reservation Dogs co-creator Sterlin Harjo. “We were this group of outsiders trying to make films, when nobody was really biting,” says Luther. “It was a different time. The really cool thing about it now is we’re all working. We persevered. We didn’t give up. We slept on each other’s couches and hung out. It’s like family.”

Waititi has power now, and is known for using Indigenous interns wherever possible (“because there weren’t those opportunities when I was growing up”), making important introductions, offering feedback on scripts, and lending his name to projects through executive producer credits, too, which he did for Luther’s new feature film, Frybread Face and Me (2023).

He called Luther back from the set of Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) to offer advice on working with child actors – “Don’t box them into the characters you’ve ­created,” he said, “let them naturally figure it out on their own” – but it’s definitely harder to get Waititi on the phone these days. “He’s a little bitch,” Luther says, laughing. “Nah, there’s nothing like him. He’s a genius. You just knew he was going to be something. I just knew it. He’s my brother.“

I’ve been asked to explicitly avoid political questions in this interview, probably because Waititi tends to back so many causes, from child poverty and teenage suicide to a campaign protesting offshore gas and oil exploration near his tribal lands. But it’s hard to ignore his recent Instagram post, sharing a viral video about the Voice to Parliament referendum starring Indigenous Aussie rapper Adam Briggs. After all, we speak only two days after the proposal is defeated. “Yeah, sad to say but, Australia, you really shat the bed on that one,” Waititi says, pausing. “But go see my movie!”

About that movie – the early reviews aren’t great. IndieWire called it a misfire, too wrapped in its quirks to develop its arcs, with Waititi’s directorial voice drowning out his characters, while The Guardian called it “a shoddily made and strikingly unfunny attempt to tell an interesting story in an uninteresting way”. I want to know how he moves past that kind of criticism. “For a start, I never read reviews,” he says, concerned only with the opinion of people who paid for admission, never professional appraisals. “It’s not important to me. I know I’m good at what I do.”

Criticism that Indigenous concepts weren’t sufficiently explained in Next Goal Wins gets his back up a little, though. The film’s protagonist, Jaiyah Saelua, the first transgender football player in a FIFA World Cup qualifying match, is fa’afafine – an American Samoan identifier for someone with fluid genders – but there wasn’t much exposition of this concept in the film. “That’s not my job,” Waititi says. “It’s not a movie where I have to explain every facet of Samoan culture to an audience. Our job is to retain our culture, and present a story that’s inherently Polynesian, and if you don’t like it, you can go and watch any number of those other movies out there, 99 per cent of which are terrible.”

*notes: (there is video clip in the article)

Waititi sounds momentarily cranky, but he’s mostly unflappable and hilarious. He’s the kind of guy who prefers “Correctumundo bro!” to “Yes”. When our video connection is too laggy, he plays up to it by periodically pretending to be frozen, sitting perfectly still, mouth open, his big shifting eyeballs the only giveaway.

He’s at his best on set. Saelua sat next to him in Honolulu while filming the joyous soccer sequences. “He’s so chill. He just let the actors do their thing, giving them creative freedom, barely interjecting unless it was something important. His style matches the vibe of the Pacific people. We’re a very funny people. We like to laugh. He just fit perfectly.”

People do seem to love working alongside him, citing his ability to make productions fresh and unpredictable and funny. Chris Hemsworth once said that Waititi’s favourite gag is to “forget” that his microphone is switched on, so he can go on a pantomime rant for all to hear – usually about his disastrous Australian lead actor – only to “remember” that he’s wired and the whole crew is listening.

“I wouldn’t know about that, because I don’t listen to what other people say about anything – I’ve told you this,” Waititi says. “I just try to have fun when there’s time to have fun. And when you do that, and you bring people together, they’re more willing to go the extra mile for you, and they’re more willing to believe in the thing that you’re trying to do.”

Yes, he plays music between takes, and dances out of his director’s chair, but it’s really all about relaxing amid the immense pressure and intense privilege of making movies. “Do you know how hard it is just to get anything financed or green-lit, then getting a crew, ­getting producers to put all the pieces together, and then making it to set?” Waititi asks. “It’s a real gift, even to be working, and I feel like I have to remind ­people of that: enjoy this moment.”

Source: The Age

By: Konrad Marshall (December 1, 2023)

[hufflepuffwritingstuff2]

Bound by Blood- Part 2

Part 1

Hero thrashed in their abductor’s iron-grip as they took them far away from the crime scene.

“If you can’t behave, I’ll have to indulge myself now,” Supervillain’s voice drawled.

Hero glared up from their spot in Supervillain’s arms. They blew a puff of frost into their face, hoping to disorient them. Supervillain only chuckled.

“My darling, do you really think your feeble cold will faze me?”

Without warning, Supervillain bit down into Hero’s neck; Hero cried out in pain. Supervillain drank a generous amount of blood from their system. Hero’s vision slid in and out of focus, and their limbs quickly fell limp.

“Sleep now,” Supervillain’s voice rumbled distantly, “I’ll take care of everything.”

Despite their efforts to do otherwise, Hero was quickly lulled to sleep.

…

When Hero woke up, they felt the warm embrace of silk sheets and a plush comforter. They opened their eyes to a grand bedroom. They sat up, rubbing their eyes. They immediately started scanning the room for any escape routes. There was a large window on one wall, with the curtains drawn shut. Hero clambered out of bed and scrambled over to it. The window had been tinted to let in the least amount of sunlight, and worse, there were bars over it.

“Enjoying the scenery?”

Hero nearly jumped out of their skin, whipping around to face Supervillain.

“Are you frightened?” Supervillain asked with a smirk and a tilt of their head.

“No,” Hero lied.

Supervillain laughed, a chilling sound that sent an unnatural shiver down Hero’s spine.

“Little Hero,” they said, stalking forward, “I can hear your heart rate- it’s beating faster than I can run. You’re shaking- and I know that your cryogenic makeup prevents you from getting hypothermic.”

Supervillain now stood inches from Hero’s face. They tilted their chin up to meet their gaze.

“But most of all- your eyes. They give away your fear,” they said, “such pretty eyes, especially so when they’re glazed over from blood loss.”

“Y-you’ve made your point, I’m scared,” Hero admitted, “what do you want?”

Supervillain ran a hand through Hero’s hair.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” they hummed, “first I have to get you ready.”

“Ready?”

“For your appearance of course,” Supervillain said, “what good is an ultimatum without the leverage?”

In a blink of an eye, Supervillain had swept Hero up and had deposited them in a different room- a cell, to be exact.

“I do hate to put you in such deplorable conditions, but we have to make this believable.”

Supervillain quickly manhandled Hero into a chair and wrapped them tightly in thick, coarse ropes. They shoved a gag into their mouth and turned on a camera.

“Try to look frightened, my dear, your performance is important,” Supervillain said, “now, how do I work this thing-”

Supervillain fought with the camera for a little bit until it snapped a picture of Hero. Hero blinked against the flash.

“Ugh, human technology, our helper and our reckoning,” Supervillain said, looking at the picture.

Supervillain quickly untied Hero and removed their gag.

“You were wonderful, Hero,” Supervillain said, patting them on the head, “maybe not Oscar-worthy, but a bumbling fool like Detective should be convinced.”

“What are you going to do with that?” Hero asked, standing up.

“Oh, the typical things: ensure immunity, receive control of the city, maybe demand a nice bottle of wine for us to share, though I don’t touch the stuff personally… yes, I think all that would be quite nice.”

“The city isn’t going to hand over control just because you kidnapped me!” Hero said incredulously.

“Maybe,” Supervillain agreed, “but it would be a shame if Detective had your blood on their hands because they refused to comply.”

Hero froze in place. Supervillain laughed.

“Oh, my darling,” they said, “I’m not actually going to kill you, I would never even dream of such a thing, but the city doesn’t need to know that. And now with you out of the way, I can easily remove anyone who opposes me. When a city has had a hero to protect them for so long, they forget how to protect themselves, and I’m very much counting on that.”

Part 3

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Tags: @mythixmagic @infinityshadows @fishtale88 @thelazywitchphotographer @the-beasts-have-arrived @princessofonwardsworld @surplus-of-sarcasm

[i-am-church-the-cat]

Okay so sorry for this ask. I just had this random thought blurb and wanted to share with someone. But like imagine:

Lando decides to suggest to Oscar that it would be funny if they get married in Vegas. Cause like that would be hilarious. Except Oscar looks him dead in the eye and says “I can’t, I’m already married” before walking away.

So of course Lando has a major freak out trying to figure out who he married and ropes the whole grid in the search. There is a strong rumor it’s Daniel (which Daniel started cause it’s funny). There is also the rumor that is Taylor Swift (that’s Este trying to annoy Nando). And of course there are suggestions of Fred, Liam, and even Arthur (which Pierre and Charles’s shut down right away because they would have to kill him).

And everyone keeps asking Logan if he knows and he just keeps laughing it off. But he’s also it’s a sad laugh because he’s a little sad to thing that nobody thinks he could be worthy of Oscar, even if he agrees.

And of course this pisses Oscar off. Because his husband is the sweetest man around. Because who the fuck cares if he is having a bad season when he is always there to make sure Oscar does things like eat breakfast or makes sure he isn’t too hard on himself.

So when the grid decides to do a group breakfast the morning after in Vegas (to compare horror stories). Oscar marks the shit out of Logan as they show up with their wedding rings.

Anon, never apologize for being the smartest motherfucker in the room. As a secretly married loscar truther, I am in love with this. And you’re always welcome to come in my messages or my ask box with stuff like this.

I can imagine Oscar being so smug at that breakfast. It’s his ring around Logan’s finger, it’s his marks on Logan’s body, it’s him who gets to keep bringing waffles for Logan to devour in record speed.

And I think the reason no one suspected it could be Logan Oscar was married to is because they would’ve known, right? Surely they wouldn’t have been able to keep it a secret for 9 months?

(Well, Alex and George had known pretty quickly who it was but they weren’t going to spoil the surprise.)

But even now with them both declaring themselves to each other for all of them to see, they barely act any different. Small touches, leaned in whispers, pressed as close together as two people could in opposite chairs, but still completely level-headed.

And finally Lando snaps and is like “How? How are you two so calm around each other? If I had a partner on the grid, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of them.”

Oscar shrugs and Logan laughs awkwardly and even now they’re like twin planets - always together but never crashing.

“We’ve been together for a long time,” Oscar answers which, they would hope so for the youngest married couple on the grid. “And most of that time it’s had to be a secret. I guess we’re just used to it.”

“Plus, neither of us are big on PDA.” A rather ironic thing for Logan to say while covered in bite marks and red-purple hickies. “We like to keep our private life private.”

And suddenly Lando feels bad because maybe they had never planned on coming out to them, or at least not so soon, but Lando had practically forced their hand because of his little goose hunt. But Logan smiles understandingly at him and is quick to reassure.

“Don’t worry, we were planning to tell people on the grid sooner rather than later, probably when my contract extension was announced, if it’s ever decided.”

Oscar makes a face at that but doesn’t interrupt.

“We just chose now because…” And suddenly Logan gets this look on his face, something pained and almost embarrassed. Oscar tangles their left hands together to stop him in his tracks, proudly displaying their matching rings before continuing.

“None of you thought I could have the honor of being married to Logan - hurtful, by the way, I’m obviously a catch - so I wanted to show everyone who I belonged to.”

Logan blushes a light pink, but he’s smiling. Oscar feels a bit of relief as Logan lays his head on his shoulder, allowing him to turn his nose into the gel-less waves of his blond hair.

The rest of their drivers start to clamor their excuses - you’re too good at hiding it, we thought Logan was dating that Instagram model, actually you’re right you aren’t good enough for my junior Williams driver but you make him happy so I guess it’s okay (this one is of course from George who is met with a lot of boos and biscuit throwing) - but it doesn’t really matter.

Who cares what any of them thought? At the end of the day, Oscar is the one sitting here with Logan Sargeant’s hand intertwined with his, he’s the one that will get to go back with him to their shared apartment, bundle his Florida boy up against the cruel English winter, and indulge in the domestic bliss of being with someone he truly loved.

When one had that, who cared about anything else?

[itsclydebitches]

I think I sent an ask like this along time ago? IDK though.

The weird thing about Oz is that it feels like there was stuff they could have brought up if they wanted us to view him in a darker light that they just...dont

Like, that whole thing with Oz conquering the world with Salem and tricking people into worshipping them as gods. Yeah he eventually saw what he was doing was wrong, but that was after he and Salem had 4 kids. So for a long-ass time he was an imperialist god-king

Or the part where he nearly attacked Ruby once she asked Jinn the question.

It just...feels like those are totally things that should be discussed more. But instead they focus on a bunch of other things that are really weird to hold against Oz.

Like why focus on this you have way better things to hold against Oz right there.

That's very possible, anon! I don't know how many unanswered asks are sitting in this inbox now, but it's not a small number...

Totally agree. I think Oz gets criticized to an unfair degree by the canon and fandom alike (no one is shocked to hear this lol) but part of my issue is what he's criticized for, not just the extent. The show tends to take incredibly weird perspectives like, "How dare you give our uncle cool bird powers with no downside" and "How dare you save group members from a deadly airship crash." The fandom takes stances with larger political implications like, "How dare an abused man 'steal' his daughters away from the mother who wants to use them for a magical form of genocide" or issues that fundamentally break the core concept of the show: "How dare you let teenagers fight dangerous battles / How dare you reincarnate - something you have no control over - into a 14yo boy." The show does engage with some of Ozpin's morally complex choices with no easy answers like, "Is it okay to keep secrets if history has shown severe downsides to revealing that information?"... but then the answer the story decides on - "No it's not" - immediately doesn't apply to half the cast, with no examination of how that changes our perception of Ozpin's choice. And, as you say, the show simultaneously introduces HUGE mistakes - "You positioned yourself as a god! Then a king!!"- that the characters could absolutely mistrust him for... but they don't. Because they're too busy focusing on all of the above.

The only thing I'd push back against here is anyone being mad at Ozpin for "nearly attacking" Ruby. I'd consider that a highly unfair criticism as well given that:

We don't know if he would have attacked. He just charges with his and out-stretched, so Ozpin could just as likely have been intending to snatch the Relic

All these characters have aura and train/hit for funsies on a regular basis. It feels like a stretch - one working to paint Ozpin in an unfair light - to act like Ruby taking a hit is suddenly some horrific event that's worthy getting up-in-arms about

In this same scene the girls pull their weapons on Qrow and Oscar - someone WITHOUT that training/fully unlocked aura - gets punched into a tree. Again, consistent morality. Why is Ozpin in the wrong for charging with an open hand (ambiguous) but the girls are justified in pulling their weapons (clear intent)? Why should Super Fighter Ruby be defended for taking a hit after forcibly stealing secrets from Ozpin, but we should shrug off the newbie farm kid taking a hit for the "sin" of being an unwitting, passive vessel?

Plus... as said above, "forcibly stealing secrets." I'm not saying Ozpin is 100% justified in attacking Ruby over this, but I think he's a HELL of a lot more justified compared to actions like threatening Qrow or attacking Oscar. Ruby ignored his requests to give the Relic back; she ignored how terrified he clearly was. She wasted a wish (which Ozpin knew would happen). She revealed his entire, traumatic history to the group PLUS a total stranger (Maria) which, again, Ozpin knew would happen. Of course he tried to stop her. We will never know what lengths he would have gone to, whether he would have truly fought Ruby or just made a last minute grab, but even if he had fought her... It think that's understandable. We can argue about whether it's right, but it's not the sort of thing the heroes should be holding against him once tempers have cooled, especially when he has stuff like playing God that they have hold as a long term grudge.

Out of everything Ozpin has done, maybe being willing to fight the prodigy fighter to keep her from making one of the stupidest decisions we've seen in the show to date is pretty low on the sin list.

[jmdbjk]

Fan service

Just going through my 5GBs/800 images and vids in (just) my Jikook folder and noticed a lot... A LOT of fan service type images and stuff. Staggering. The amount of thoughtfulness and preparation Jungkook and Jimin have done for us through the years, sacrificing themselves all in the name of fan service...

Like this obviously staged and scripted reaction from Jungkook, sitting there waiting for Jimin to show up in comments:

Actually, go look at almost any of JK's lives and see him performing flawlessly. The timing is impeccable, how he spots Jimin's comments is 🔥 level reflexes.

This ultimate fan service live when Jungkook set up an hour and a half of fan servicing about Jimin:

Of course the fan service has been going on for YEARS...

This fleeting moment that someone snapped for fan service:

Was it Tae or Hobi that snapped the pic? We'll never know, they didn't bother to take a pic of themselves during this gorgeous sunset with either of these guys because... it was only for fan service.

And this random Instragram person who was in on the fan service agenda, and JK with the eagle eyes finding it amongst the 100s of 1000s of questions/comments:

I wonder if maybe he telepathed some questions out to the universe so these people from all over the place would know what to ask/say, like secret code shit?

And H.E.R. doing her part in fan service, its great to have willing participants for your fan service agenda:

I bet she's done this before too.

And of course this ultimate, elaborate and expensive fan service weekend getaway... anything for the fans:

The best part about it is, Jungkook didn't tell Jimin he was filming all this for fan service. Made him stay in a hotel room with no privacy in the bathroom in a hotel that caters to couples... the lengths... the sacrifices... bless them.

And here they are again, the never ending fan service, so tiring:

I bet they staged the entire Jack in the Box listening party just for jikook fan service. I wouldn't be surprised. Rented out the top floor of the HYBE building, catered it, all for fan service.

The general public is in on the fan service too. A random person taking sneaky fan service pics, great timing and teamwork:

And this random person too in on the sneaky fan service agenda, everyone playing their part in the charade:

This was one of many photos from this particular dinner (fake) date with non-celeb friends.

The general public really are the stars of fan service:

Another (fake) restaurant date but this time with other celeb friends.

But the eyes on the back of JK's head seeing his cue for FS? 💀:

How can he see through his hair though? That's my question. Sheer talent! 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥

And JK's eyes on his face automatically performing fan service, must be muscle memory or something:

And his hands too, more muscle memory from all that fan service practice:

I can visualize it now... "Jimin, hold still, I need to practice feeling you up, stop squirming, I'm gonna have to use those handcuffs you brought home if you don't stop trying to get away..." um... wait... that went a little too far...

Anyway...

And this pre-planned-the-night-before fan service, they are such professionals always thinking of fan service, practicing, perfecting...I wonder how many times they had to do THIS to get it just right? :

I could say a lot here about "practice makes perfect" but I will refrain...

Hobi going off-script here taking Jimin by surprise... maybe it was something Jimin and Jungkook were practicing for fan service and Hobi almost spilled the beans?

And this ingeniously pre-programed mechanical ear reaction fan service...so clever:

This happy-as-shit-to-be-going-overseas fan service, JK and his fake bouncy happiness, Oscar-worthy. I wonder if they practiced in the car on the way to the airport:

The general public doing that fan service shit again... wonder how much they get paid for this? I want in on it:

Jungkook telling Jimin, "we have to go around a bunch of times to make sure that random person gets it right."

It's never ending, 24/7 fan service with these two. It must be very time consuming to come up with new fan service moments. I wonder what they will show us next?

[please read the tags for heavens sakes]

[incorrectbatfam]

Can I pls get some Tim and Steph hcs because I love them even though they broke up

I don't care what canon says they are the ultimate lovers to friends

They have to stay overnight at a motel for a mission and there's only one bed. Cue 2 hours of shoving each other off and being as annoying as possible until they both give up at the same time, Steph taking her things to the bathtub while Tim uses the wardrobe as a sarcophagus

"The stars are beautiful tonight"

"You know what else is beautiful?"

"Chris Hemsworth"

"Agreed"

Tim sets up hidden cameras and Steph uses her Oscar-worthy acting to convince Superboy and Impulse that cake has been outlawed

Steph sets her phone alarm for every five minutes between 6 and 8 AM. Tim turns them off, but joke's on him, she also has an iPad

They both have embarrassing dirt over each other. Steph knows Tim likes his coffee with salt and Tim knows that Steph pretends to be the Riddler when no one's around

"It's your turn to pick up Damian"

"No it's not, I did it yesterday"

"Alright, we'll get Jason to do it"

"..."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you gonna call him?"

"It's your turn"

"I called him last week"

They go as Sharkboy and Lavagirl for Halloween. Tim was a little hesitant about the pink wig but it turns out he genuinely rocks it

One year, they volunteer at a winter carnival. Tim scoots around the ice rink on his butt and Steph gets stuck to her ice cream cone

Tim's always wanted to do drag, but he'd rather try it on privately first and that can't happen if Bruce can see his credit card purchases. But since he and Steph are the same size, he borrows her stuff and in return, she gets to take one of his case files

When a Paramore concert comes to town, they set up camp for 72 hours to grab tickets and force the rest of the family to listen to all the songs for the next several months

They do mani-pedis and weave friendship bracelets

They also design their own scented candles called "Pre-Apocalyptic Existential Dread" and "Yaay Purple!"

As part of an inside joke, during holiday season Steph gets Tim a can opener and he gets her the same Teletubbies cookie sheet every year

They have sleepovers filled with cheesy movies, junk food, stolen alcohol, pillow battles, and pretending to be Bruce on Tinder

"We're seeing Black Panther 2. Yes, right now. I don't care that you're in the shower. Put a towel on and let's go, it starts in 5 minutes"

[impulsivebehaviornsfw]

How to Set Up a Longer-Term CNC Scene with Your Partner

Warning: This guide is for people who want to add a little consensual spice to their love life without crossing the line into anything creepy or harmful. The keyword here is CONSENSUAL. If you're not clear on what that means, go read up on it before you even think about starting. Let’s get into it!

Setting the Scene (Literally and Figuratively)

Step Zero: Communicate (Yes, Even for a “Surprise”) Before you dive into all the sneaky fun, you’ve gotta make sure your partner is on board for this kind of thing. A little mystery is great, but they need to at least know that something is coming. Try something like:

“I’ve got a little surprise planned for you… so stay on your toes.”

Or, “You’re in for it soon, and that’s all I’m saying!”

This keeps the vibe playful but still gives them enough of a heads-up that they won’t freak out when things start happening.

The Big Three Rules (aka How Not to Be a Jerk About This)

Safe Words Are Mandatory: Pick a word that either of you can use to slam the brakes if things go too far. If your plan includes mind games, they need to know how to stop the fun if they’re genuinely uncomfortable. Bonus tip: You can also add a “pause” word for when they just need a second to collect themselves but don’t want to end the whole thing.

Keep It Short and Sweet: This isn’t a Netflix mini-series. A day or two is the sweet spot. Stretch it out too long, and you’ll just stress them out or turn into the weirdo who accidentally makes their partner paranoid about life. Fun = good. Long-term trauma = bad.

Don’t Break the Law: Look, this should be obvious, but just in case: no illegal stuff! If you even think, “Huh, could I get arrested for this?” stop immediately.

The Fun Part: Planning the Shenanigans

Step 1: Build the Suspense Grab a burner number (Google Voice is your friend) and start sending mysterious texts. Snap some cheeky, staged photos that look like they were taken from a distance (nothing truly invasive here—keep it light and fun). Drop playful hints like:

“You looked so cute in that dress today. I couldn’t resist watching…”

Or, “I know where you’ll be tonight…”

Pro tip: Sprinkle in the safe word somewhere subtle so they can pick up on the fact that this is all part of the game.

Step 2: Leave Mysterious Clues This is your chance to channel your inner spy. Slip notes into places they’ll stumble across—like their car, purse, or even taped to the bathroom mirror. Make the notes cryptic but not outright terrifying. Think:

“Soon.”

“You won’t see it coming…” Then act completely normal when they find them, like you have no idea what’s going on. Bonus points for Oscar-worthy fake confusion.

Step 3: The Grand Finale Pick a night when the vibes are already in your favor. Maybe they’re out with friends, come home a little tipsy, and they usually get a bit frisky after. Surprise!

Here’s where you can pull out all the stops:

Restraints: Rope, cuffs, or tape (just make sure it’s safe for skin!).

Props: Masks, gloves, boots, and dark clothing for that mysterious vibe.

Scissors: Trauma shears are perfect for cutting clothing safely, but for the love of all that is holy, don’t cut anything they actually love unless you’ve got replacements lined up.

Make it intense, make it fun, but always keep a pulse on how they’re feeling. If they start to look nervous in the bad way, check in ASAP.

Wrapping It Up (Literally and Figuratively)

Step 4: Aftercare = Mandatory Once the scene is over, it’s time to switch gears. Cuddle, talk, and make sure they feel safe, loved, and cared for. This is where you remind them that the whole thing was about trust and fun, not actually scaring the daylights out of them.

Final Thoughts

This kind of play is all about walking the line between thrilling and safe—but CONSENT is what makes it all work. Know your partner, respect their limits, and keep the communication flowing. If you pull it off right, you’ll both walk away from the experience feeling closer, more connected, and maybe even a little breathless.

Now go forth, plan your playful ambush, and remember: If it’s not fun for both of you, it’s not worth doing!

[hrrtshape]

INTRO TO MY 𝓓ESIRED 𝓡EALITIES.

hi, hi!! i'm emma—your resident russian-lithuanian shifter. basically a little cheerleader, motivational whisperer, and your pinterest board come to life (hopefully??).

i’m (just) a girl who loves anything brushing the sofia coppola spectrum (pastel daydreams and melancholic nights), formula 1 (speed is chic), and, of course, shifting realities. i have borderline personality disorder—i’m normal. pinky promise.

i’m an all kind of girl. i love frothy tulle dresses and dried roses just as much as i love vintage antiques and poetry scribbled in the margins of old textbooks. give me anything rococo-inspired, and i’m weak (marie antoinette vibes forever).

some of my absolute favourites? let me name-drop. the bell jar (I AM indeed sylvia plath—she is me, i am her.) the virgin suicides (the book owns my heart, but the movie’s dreamy haze is perfection). fiona apple, lana del rey, mitski, cocteau twins, kafka ('n' his letters to felice), and david lynch (his whole brain, really).

i also love, love, LOVE coffee. fully obsessed. and croissants???......i’ve been eating them every morning for the past 7 months. fun fact: i’m also a certified yapper and have read 120 books this year (yes, I’m flexing) as well as watched 413 movies (also flexing. especially because most of 'em were b&w!!!)

shifting-wise, i started my journey back in 2020 during quarantine (cue hogwarts script era), and WOW, i’m relieved some of those early drs stayed in imagination. over the years, i’ve fallen in and out of love with shifting—life and people can be discouraging, and i took some much-needed breaks. i’m back, more with an entirely new perspective on it.

✶ SHIFTING CENTRAL.

⋆  things to remember when you're doubting shifting.

⋆  things to remember when you're doubting shifting AKA diving into the concept of souls.

⋆  things to remember when you're doubting shifting AKA reaffirming your mindset.

⋆  reintroducing shifting.

⋆  things i script into every dr...

⋆  things in my cr that reminds me of my dr.

✶ FAME DR — this is my reality of being the ultimate it-girl, a globally adored, award-winning musician, actress, and model, and also nepo royalty from my director-actor father and model-actress mother. my home is a parisian apartment near the opera, where every morning feels like an editorial spread. sundays mean café hopping near the seine, flea market browsing, and smiling for fans who spot me. gliding through nyc, paris, l.a and london. oscar speeches, sold-out miu-miu-clad performances, and paparazzi-worthy airport looks. basically? life, but in cinematic slow motion <3

⋆  moments in which i knew i made it.

⋆  little, weird problems.

⋆  anti-chill day edition.

⋆  chill day edition.

⋆  introduction.

⋆  things i'm doing.

⋆ things i catch myself doing.

⋆  stuff i'm always losin' !

⋆  scandals.

⋆  what's in my bag.

⋆  imperfections in my fame dr.

⋆  things i always have on set.

⋆  day in the life... on set !

⋆  trends i started.

⋆  things i love in my little dr.

✶ SPY DR — a ballerina turned assassin, working for an underground corporation. our secret base is beneath the paris opera house—a labyrinth of rehearsal studios hiding weapon vaults and strategy rooms. by day, i perfect my pliés; by night, carry out covert missions with elegance and deadly precision. and then i proceed to fall in love with a kingsman agent (definitely not tom blyth).

✶ F1 DR — the youngest driver to ever win a world drivers' championship, racing for scuderria ferrari and making history. the talk of the paddock, celebrated for both my skills on track and my glamorous lifestyle off it. from monaco parties to italian brunches to dangerous race tracks and cussing out the cunts of the paddock.

✶ 50's DR — a golden-era hollywood actress, a starlet who oozes both sex appeal and undeniable talent. the big break came with a lead role in gloria, a sultry, critically acclaimed drama that put yours truly on the map. soon after, i captivated audiences (and stole the spotlight) in all about eve, a performance so electrifying it became the talk of the town—and every awards show.

✶ SEX AND THE CITY (SATC) DR — the modern-day carrie bradshaw, writing my “sex and the city” blog about the love lives of my fabulous NYC crew (and my own). my days are filled with cosmopolitans, late-night talks, and walk-in closets full of vintage designer treasures. and shoes. especially shoes. picture rooftop brunches, "i wonder"s, and sassy one-liners.

✶ COWBOY DR — born into aristocracy and traded gowns for cowboy boots and joined the wild west. yeehaw, pals. now i ride alongside billy the kid, sharing in his outlaw adventures while navigating life as a renegade. it’s dusty trails, stolen kisses under starlit skies, and dangerous escapes.

✶ BETTER LIFE (and if you squint, succession ish) DR — rich-girl fantasy. living in a sprawling NYC penthouse, a socialite balancing high society drama and the 'cutthroat' world of dog eat dog. oh ! and dating a modern version of coriolanus snow, a descendant of a family with far too much money. expect to see me in paris, monaco and the rooftops of the upper west side !

✶ SLIGHT VAMPIRE DIARIES DR — turned in 14th-century paris by an ancient 3000 year old vampire, i became the first heretic—half witch, half vampire. eternally powerful and tragically romantic, i fell for the very being who turned me (definitely not coriolanus snow but vampire). cue centuries of passion, blood, and supernatural politics, all with a gothic flair as we walked through life unscathed.

✶ EVER AFTER HIGH DR — as the daughter of sleeping beauty, my destiny is to sleep for 100 years. but plot twist: i’m also the secret child of willy wonka (don’t ask, just observe the red-ish curl locks). bringing an almost whimsical sweetness to my legacy, torn between embracing my fate or rewriting my story entirely. expect enchanted desserts, dreamscapes, and lots of pastel magic.

✶ AUTHOR DR — penned the bell jar, my year of rest and relaxation, the secret history, and countless other literary classics. a generational voice, shaping culture with each page. a life with whirlwinds of book tours, cozy writing retreats, and existential musings over coffee.

✶ PRINCESS DR — a princess in 18th-century versailles, my life is opulence incarnate. betrothed to the prince of great britain (NOT tom blyth.....definitely...), navigating courtly intrigue and forbidden love stories while draped in silks and diamonds. every moment feels like a scene out of marie antoinette, with champagne fountains and masked balls galore.

✶ MARVEL COMICS DR — the daughter of agatha harkness, a force to be reckoned with in the multiverse. with powers that are unparalleled, thanks to a curse from the one-above-all.

✶ MARAUDERS DR — circa 1976, a pureblood gryffindor at hogwarts, cousin to james potter. a fox animagus and a seeker for the gryffindor quidditch team. also, most definitely, nr 1 apologist for history of magic.