#Okay. im good it’s out of my system now

[buttercupart]

Ok not to be a #hater but I have to verbalize it or I’ll go cuckoo it’s INSANE to me that Kris as a name is very clearly derived from Frisk, and they have the exact same skin tone and hair color as Frisk down to the hex codes, and people will look at them and be like ………..“yep this is clearly Chara” ohhhh we aren’t making it out of this world alive I fear

[tunanoodlesoup]

the voices in my head told me to make this @ombiblombi

[dark-twist-fairytales]

Me? Accidentally making Torbek angst? It's more likely than you think! Anyways! it's almost 2 in the morning, but beloved Torbek is here! Honestly, I really enjoyed drawing the gangely limbs. Somehow felt more natural.

Yes, he is holding the ticket from Guys Night in his hand. Why? Well... Snippet of a story underneath >:)

[Warnings for story: Mentions of medical torture and related as such. Spoilers for Torbek's time between episode 8 to episode 19]

~~~~~

It had been... Years, since Torbek last saw the others. Since he had been thrown into the chaos that was the Feywild upon the command of the carnival. Curled up on himself, Torbek stayed in the corner. Nothing felt.. Right. Trapped in a little box, frantic huffs and whimpers left him.

Years, and Torbek hasn't known a day of rest, trapped and bound to beds, to walls, or anything just to keep him restrained. This time was no different, the fluid going through and hitting his veins uncomfortably with the fear. More whimpers left the bugbear as he curled up tighter.

His jacket, that someone had given him to keep warm, was torn at the sleeves, causing him to shiver. When that had happened? Torbek didn't know, other than the pain that followed. The medical shirt was too small for him, sticking and stretching uncomfortably on his fur and the tubes that stuck out of him.

Each time he went under, it only got worse. Grabbing something from his pocket, his hands shook with the mix of fear and the cold chill he felt from the vent blowing on him. A ticket to the Witchlight Carnival. A small smile managed to tug on Torbek's lips, remembering guys night, as he hugged the golden ticket to his chest. A hiss of pain left when he pressed on the fresh tube on his chest.

However, the pain was drowned out by a voice whispering in his head, his ears dropped to try and ignore it, but... He didn't find it easy to ignore. It didn't want to be ignored, and growled in time with Torbek's verbal whimpers: "I will get us out of here. I promise that. Those friends-"

Torbek hugged the ticket close, curling up tighter around it as tears, both pain and fear, stained at the lighter fur markings around his face. "-They can't help you here... I won't stop fighting."

Despite what the voice growled, -Torbek gulping out of worry for his friends- he found that the voice in his head was scared too. Who wouldn't be? It's been years since Torbek had come around.

With the approaching steps of someone walking towards his medical door, he could feel each pin-prick of pain arising on his body, places that had been previously poked at to the point of numbing and hypersensitivity. Today was another day of testing machines. Or worse, experimenting.

He heard a whimper in the back of his mind.

He wasn't alone in his fear.

Torbek wasn't alone at all.

Torbek just had to wait.

[fadeintolight]

pont pont vesszőcske

[soonhoonsol]

on today's episode of 'chey is so incredibly stupid', we have me apparently throwing away the lil battery holder in my svt lightstick 7 years ago when I put it in storage

edit: my friend has an extra holder!! LIFESAVER

[forgotten-daydreamer]

vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

[felixcosm]

The way people are responding to Taylor Swift's new album because they don't think she is tortured or mentally ill enough to call it that is fucking embarrassing.

God forbid an artist ever exaggerates for artistic purpose. God forbid a celebrity writes about pain or suffering if they haven't experienced the maximum amount of trauma in their life.

I mean, everyone knows the moment you become a celebrity all your human experience disappears and you elevate to a new level of existence where you cannot have relatable experiences anymore for the rest of your life.

[xcryinginguccix]

This will be a bit of a rant so buckle up kids.

Also English is not my first language so keep that in mind.

(Also slight spoilers from good omens, our flag means death and what we do in the shadows)

I think I realized why those 3 shows had such an impact on me. Those shows don't make fun of their own characters for being queer. Their queerness is not the butt of the joke.

The way the main characters interact with each other feels just so natural. It can be sweet, it can be tender, it can be heartbreaking sometimes. They face real relationship problems, and as a queer person myself, it feels so good to see that on screen.

I love those small yet so meaningful things Crowley and Aziraphale do for each other in good omens. Those small touches, being near each other, those looks they give each other, yet they are still afraid.

I love the whole of season 2 of Our flag means death. How Stede and Ed are trying to figure out their relationship. I adore the scene when they kissed in the moonlight, how they then held each others hands. I cried out of happiness when Izzy started to sing "La via en rose".

Hells, even in what we do in the shadows there is so much good stuff. It's the most unserious, but it's so good when it comes to queer representation. Guillermo's family being supportive of him being gay. Guillermo at the pride parade. Nadja saying "everyone's gay". Nandor going to outer space JUST to impress Guillermo. The last 3 episodes of season 5, they hold me in a chokehold.

I love all of those things in those shows, and also so much more. As a queer person, I've been wanting to see those "natural" things in queer relationships on the big screen. Characters expressing their love for each other, and also struggling with some things in their relationship in a very real way. I needed this as a kid. Not just some weird queerbating stuff, but characters being authentically queer. I'm so full of so many emotions. It makes me happy that we are finally getting what we always wanted for so long.

I love how those unserious shows are so serious at the same time.

[kellystar321]

.

[jupiter-reimagined]

i am. so weak

[best-fnaf-song-competition]

Mechanisms fans!!!! Thats at least 3 here now :]!!! Hellfire is great and my personal favorite album is Once Upon A Time In Space (its the first one I heard) - [|87

HOLY SHIT

Allowing myself one (1) ask to just go fucking feral YOOOOO HOLY SHIT DUDE. THE MECHANISMS FUCK AND YOU ARE SO CORRECT ABOUT HELLFIRE I literally can't pick a favorite from high noon over camelot it changes every single time I listen to the album they all SLAP

Once Upon A Time In Space is SO fun but my favorite without a SHADOW of a doubt is The Bifrost Incident. It makes me go feral in ways no other albums have achieved before or since I get so excited I have to remind myself to breathe and it FUCKS LIKE HELL. Also lyfrassir edda my beloved I would do anything for this pathetic little detective

[fuzzyunicorn]

More on Pain: firstly, know everything the lil Satanists do is a direct inversion of everything the Divine does; so no shit the lil Satanists “created” a God (Pain) who was intended to be like god, the Creator-god (Creator-gods is something I will clarify later just know only 3 of them exist). I put created in quotations bc the lil Satanists can’t actually Create shit they can only splice shit together… did u all know the lore on Nephilm is total bs? Let me set the record straight: do they actually come from Fallen Angels? No. Do Fallen Angels exist? Yes and no. No in the sense actual full fledged ones are not permitted to Exist. At all. So the yes part of the answer is? Reference many months ago me mentioning the Divine doesn’t allow cracks in the system— Fallen Angels are only shall I say temporary. Meaning they only “exist” in the 1st Universe (the one we are currently in) which is crudely put the Learning Universe. The 1st Universe is for new souls to learn, grow & ascend. Which is where ascension into Anglehood & Godhood takes place. So the only Fallen Angels that actually do exist are ones who screwed the pooch during their training to become actualized Angels. That’s why I said temporary. But yes their DNA is spliced into the DNA cocktail made by the lil Satanists (but keep in mind it’s not actually Angel energy/power they just say that to make it seem better than it is stronger than it is) They needed weapons for their doomed wars & so very badly want to be just like god (just the evil version lol). Splicing shit together is not Creating it’s just mashing things together that have already been Created & seen before n Destroyed (remember the Spiral how the current lil Satanists are NOT the first original batch of Satanists). I’ll also have everyone reading this post realize here & now you are NOT a Creation from god… or any Divine Being…. Let that sink in.

Why would I say something like that? a) it’s true af & b) no human reading this post is an actual, legit human. This is not the planet for humans. We’re not supposed to be here. I’m not fucking w you when I say that. So how are we here? The origin planet for Humans is called Tara. The lil Satanists have abducted humans from Tara and spliced their DNA with a whole bunch of shit. This current planet we are all on, called Earth 🌍, is a legitimate experimentation planet, a fucking zoo planet if you will. I will confirm to you all here and now all species of Big Foot exist & the reason why we don’t see them out walking 24/7 is bc they are designed to be subterranean. They were definitely spliced w human DNA just like us. Lmao guess what we’re all spliced w (not me n my dearly beloved Soulmate btw)…?

[plexiglassonion]

.

[chisungie]

.

[our-inspire-verse]

God i fucking hate myself. I can't stop thinking it. My chest is hurting at ALL times again, i make nothing but mistakes and do nothing except forget. I can't fucking stand the person im turning out to be

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.