#its almost 2am. ive been at this for like 5 hours now. i have so so so many new bookmarks saved I Am Not Okay

[jupiter-reimagined]

i am. so weak

[melto]

sorry fellas this is just gonna be me bitching about some threatre major stuff

im like. so extremely fucking upset right now like we open tomorrow and this show will almost be over and its like. i LOVE theatre. i love being a stage manager i love it so bad and i know what i have signed myself up for but the treatment of workers in the industry is unethical most times and it really does show bad in reference to being a student. like im so truly frustrated with the way that specifically production students in my college are treated because yes. we understand how much work goes into theatre but you CANNOT talk about how it is unfair and unethical and then as professors not do anything on the level you can to combat the systems in which have been in place. like its insane. literally during our 10/12 they talked about how tired the actors and like deck crew/board ops must be which. of course they are 10/12 are just inherently bad in my opinion and we shouldnt be doing them but they are saying this while there are still students stuck in the theatre at this fucking production meeting who have been there/will be there for at least 14 hours at that point. which is more than scheduled and more than any of the staff have been. we all also have work and class on top of this but they make jokes about how overworked we are to the point where it makes me want to fucking tear my hair out. like literally i havent slept or ate or drank hardly for like 2 weeks now and i wont be any better off for like another two and they KNOW this. like fucks sake a professor like walked in on my stress puking in a backroom after the dress last night because i was so fustrated and ill. literally they acknowlage how awful we look and seem and then act concerned before being like oh well<3 cool if you will be in the theatre doing lights until 2am when we joked about how fucking terrible you look. cool if we laugh at the production meeting about how i  almost passed out after standing up that night. lets point out and talk about where exactly they all saw me get so upset and overtired that i started crying on fucking headset uncontrolably because no one would give me the fucking answers i needed and then everyone was getting mad at me because i didnt have them. lets have you literallyhave to talk a student designer off a ledge because some hired grown man is overstepping and youre putting him before your students. 

literally like wooo we’re so cool and hardworking for mangaing to get a show done without theschool getting shut down and during all this c*vid shit. we shuldnt even be doing shows right now literally like the only theatre not dark rn in myarea is us. we’ve had like 7 scares and cases and the whole case admits that they keep partying and we just lost someone on crew today because of all of it and i just have to sit here and keep going because what the fuck else am i supposed to do? i can barely stand up for more than 5 minutes without almost vomiting and passing out right now and i can barely do anything for my other classes or work so im just taking fucking points off everything and i usually dont have issues with keeping up with stuff during all of this. like JESUS i feel so truly suicidal and its literally the only way out of this whole fucking mess until we close in a week and i wouldnt do that to my crew because god. im just so fucking ANGRY. i wouldnt be this fucking angry if my professors werent being so tactless with their words and actions. its BARELY treated as a learning environment for production students which is a whole different conversation about my gripes with how my college choses shows and treats stuff that honestly i could bitch abut for hours but GOD. literally all i do is cry and almost pass out every time i try to do anything right now and im STILL expected to be like emotionally stable through all of these even with people outside my deparemnt even when ive expressed why this specific process has been so hard. like FUCK i cannot ask for even the smallest adacomadation at all without it being an ordeal.couldnt even get myself moved to the booth a day early to help out with my anxiety of not wanting to be calling from house during an invited dress right now. im so tired. Im so tired the unethical work standards for the theatre industry arent even funny like STOP. tech is over so at least the student lx designer whos getting the fuck kicked out of them will be done but me and my team are still stuck here and if that fucking scenic designer whos also doing the stupid fucking video shit who is so fucking demeaning and someone i want to fucking beat the shit out of attempts to change anything during our final dress when all he does is make everything so much harder and then critizie me in front of eveyrone even though he just added like 20 super stupid and fucked up cues that are hard to call and no one gave me fucking time to dry tech them before we go into a run well. Well im gonna start killing people im gonna start swinging im just so FUSTRATED AND MAD GOD WWWHDFJHSKGJLFJKJGKJKJGFS

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 17 -  “Bamboozle Me Faster So I Can Go To Sleep” - Sarah (FINALE)

Okay so Caeleb went out last round by a 4-3 vote against Sarah, in which, was surprised Sarah got that many votes, as I had thought Stoner was getting the votes over Sarah from the other side.  End of the day though, didn't really affect much, as target still went to jury, although was by far the toughest vote yet that I have had to make, as I really do personally like Caeleb, he was just too big a threat to be keeping around.   Now, I made the final 6, got a jigsaw immunity to try to win, or at least, one of myself, Stoner, Sarah or Tommy win this immunity, to keep the power on our side.  Then, my ideal this round would actually be Eve going over Kevin, but, I have a feeling my side will probably want to rather target Kevin.  So, will see what occurs, and go from there.   If anything, might even do a vote split if one of us 4 win immunity, but time will tell.   Anyways, it's surreal to believe that this game is almost over, and hoping to make final 5!

well........ y'all its a sad day, caeleb went home last night, 4-3 myself and eve in the minority with him, and its not looking too good for us. BUT WAIT RIGHT THERE.... i wake up and look in my bag and my CINNAMON APPLE CAELEB GAVE ME THE LEGACY ADVANTAGE !!!!! this acts as an idol at the final 6 which means I'm not going home !!!!! This is an incredible feeling but it still only gets me to the final 5, I have to play out from there until the end. I'm in a tricky situation with eve who I trust, but with this immunity being a puzzle i think if i really tried i could have a good shot at winning but do i risk winning 2 immunities in a row and THEN on top of that playing an advantage?? my threat level would increase SO MUCH, but it might be what i need, i dont see myself in the position to make any big flashy strategic moves in this end game, meaning i have to make a statement some other way to the jury. But do I risk losing the last 2 immunities?? It's an incredibly tough call that I have to make before i would like because i work through the challenge deadline and the first 2 hours of tribal, so i really need to get my shit together soon. I'm a lot of things but a quitter is not ones, im not in an ideal position but at least im in any position, better this than ponderosa. I just have to make the best move WHATEVER that is, and hope that it pays off in the longrun. Do i pitch a final 3 to tommy?? Would he take me to the end? Do i try and rekindle with sarah/stoner or do I bank on my relationship with darcy is enough to keep me in? So many factors, so little time, so many possibilities. Survivor gods please be on my side. Please. 

Eve I love you and you're great, but you pushed way too hard to know what my vote was, then tried to vote me out. Even if I'm a goat, I'm not THAT stupid 👀 Also. Even if I don't get individual immunity, I fuckin LOVE PUZZLES 

I can't believe I made it to the finale after this crazy season but it's no time to slow down I'm in the Final 6 and I need to keep playing hard because now I can be in a vulnerable position after flipping last tribal. I just need to make sure I don't go home tonight, or Darcy, or Stoner. Right now I think I can potentially win if I get to the end with the people I'm planning to so I just need to keep trying my hardest to stay afloat in this game, keep moving towards the goal and doing my best. Hopefully I end up on top! :) 

CHRIS IS VOTED OUT

Final 5 and I feel like I already lost the game, but as long as they keep me I'm going to keep fighting until the end and try to win at final tribal council if I''m able to survive. I think if I can survive tonight's Final 5 tribal I have a really good shot at making it to Final 3 so it's all about making it to Final 3 at this point because I need to be there to have a shot at winning. 

BAMBOOZLE ME FASTER SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP. But hey last tribal was spicy as hell idk how I keep being so stupid STONER YOU FOOL. I'm voting Darcy because I'm salty about being lied to, if I get voted out this round I'm ok with it because I made it this far anyways and I think I played an honest ass game. I'd rather go down with some dignity and no sense of moral turmoil and guilt (cough cough stoner) than go lying through my teeth to people I kinda like talking to. Also I watched tribal at 2am and never went to sleep again and am moderately delirious so catch me on no beauty sleep tonight only <3 

IM IN THE FINAL 5 BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I WON IMMUNITY AND IM IN THE FINAL 4, BY 1 FREAKING POINT!!!! god bless...... i didnt confess last round so lets jump back... actually i might've but not after that TRIBAL. So basically i won immunity and had the legacy advantage which meant me and eve were in the final 5, but not everyone knew that, when i did my talking it seemed as though the consensus was DARCY... or so i thought, but either way I didnt want darcy out which meant I had to do something, despite eve wanting darcy too with my legacy advantage being the key component to that whole round I knew stoner had to go home after our last conversation together, practically threatening me and telling me im a big threat and im gonna go home, all while cockily saying he's not going anywhere, and continuously talking about how keeping him is good because he's gonna do what's "convenient" but guess what stoner, you can't reason with convenience, so he had to go. so I told eve we should do stoner instead, the threat of him having an idol had been around since the final 7 and with next round the last time to play one and my legacy being good until 6 i was in a tricky spot, so I swapped mine and eves votes to stoner and luckily they split they're votes somehow for some reason and after eves 2 were cancelled the vote was 2-2 which could have ended up as a tie but with myself and eve both SAFE we had nothing to lose to campaign at tribal why stoner should go and how we aren't going to flip our votes, in the end it worked and 4-0. After tribal i approach sarah considering her allies just blindsided her to which i am presented with the idea that she wants DARCY gone, cracks were already forming which is JUST WHAT I WANTED, i knew stoner was the glue holding sarah and darcy together if at all considering each of their relationships to him, so cutting him out broke the ice on the darcy vs sarah fued. Fast forward to now, i win immunity after a STRESSFUL FUCKING DAY OF THIS CHALLENGE, but i won so im GRATEFUL. Anyways it seems like people still wanna do Darcy, tommy and eve included, HOWEVER, if i had it my way tommy would go home tonight, he's a big physical threat and if FIC is a pressure cooker I don't see myself beating him, and if i can use this to keep darcy on my side and potentially protect me if eve flips on me at four then thats great, if not that then darcy and sarah can continue to be at each others throats while me and eve go to the final 3. 

DARCY IS VOTED OUT

SARAH IS VOTED OUT

Tonight is final trial! I need all the luck I can get, tonight it the determining factor that will show who the winner of this long chaotic season will be, stay tuned!

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TAKES PLACE

Well tonight after final tribal council it feels like I have no chance, I was thrown off by nicole (Rightfully so) and didn't know how to recover. Ive learned how Egotistical and how much of a bully people see me as. I really dont see a point in winning a game if people think im those things. I really hope kevin gets his second win and joins the ranks of 2 time winners, he really deserves it, hes so kind and has been typing to me while i was crying after that all. To say the least, I dont know what else to say in this game, I had a lot of fun getting to know people. I played hard, but unfortunately I guess I need to do some self work from the sounds of it. Maybe I'm just taking Nicoles speech about me to hard, but i really thought me and her made up. Clearly, theres still some things that need to be discussed between the two of us. I never meant to hurt anyones feelings, put down anyone, or make people feel like they where beneath me, but I guess i did, and I have to own that now. This game really has reminded me of why 1) I am in this community because of the AMAZING PEOPLE ive met and 2) Why i need to take a break from them, because at the end of the day, I clearly have a lot to work on to make sure im not an egotistical bully, for some reason those words stuck with me more than anything else that was said tonight. Thank you monty and gage for the AMAZING season and the good times, sorry if my game was not as good as it could be. I feel like ive crawled my way up from the bottom so many times. And here I am sitting at FTC, feeling on the bottom again. 

[wandering-lounge]

health troubles (im ok!)

so, last week on thursday, i went into the hospital unexpectedly, I”ll kinda jsut vent about it below but TLDR: My appendix got me hecked up and I got it removed over Friday, and I’m absolutely fine right now. 

Just chillin, happy to be here, taking my time with things, And, just happy to be alive. and like. SUPER appreciative off everyone who follows me. and people who have been patient with me. 

So, On thursday, I woke up at the crack of 2AM with a pain in my stomach, it was large, and it was really uncomfortable. I spent my entire morning waking up and sleeping dry heaving into my toilet and sink. Until about 5:40 i was hating life, and i eventually got a bowl of cereal in me, and went to work. 

Before i had gone to work, I called my boss and left a voicemail at the office, and what i believed was their home phone. they didn't receive either of them. I told them, “I feel very bad right now, and i honestly dont want to work feeling like this. I’ve been throwing up since 2 am”. I told my boss the same thing to her face, and she said the thing she always says when its the busy time of year, “sorry we dont have any spare help, you HAVE to work today.” I did work anyways, but i figured it might just be some intestinal blockage or something minor. “it’ll go away,”, i thought.

As i drove my bus, i was about halfway through with it and i started feeling more and more nauseous. I threw up out of my window and my passengers freaked out a little.eventually i got back and talked witha  couple of other bus drivers, “what are you feeling?” they asked,

“well,” I said, “Ive been having this constant constipated like pain with nausea and what feels like a fever the entire morning.”

“that very much sounds like appendicitis. Have you had your appendix removed?”

“no” i shrugged, as i went back into the office to clock out.I then went to my boss and asked  if they could do something about getting someone to cover me for the afternoon, As well as mention what happened on route today, “sorry but we cant get anyone else, its just you, just go home and sleep”

I go home, I eat a rice cake, and sleep. I wake up about an hour later and throw up the food. and even some water that i drank with it. I feel even worse than this morning, I talk to my close friends on discord, and they tell me almost immediately, “GO TO THE HOSPITAL” I call my mom and dad to ask them what to do, as well as describe my morning. my mom JUST got off work and heads over to my place to do some personal checkups, and my dad is hours away from home and cant do a thing. they also tell me to call my doctor, i describe everything again.

“yeah, it very much sounds like appendicitis, but theres no way to know for sure unless you go to a hospital, but we do have a doctor appointment open in about an hour and a half.” 

I shrug off the appointment for now cause my mom was inbound. I just stare at my phone, “i know that i cant let them down but i’m REALLY nervous about this,” i talk to my friends and they helped me su up the will to talk to my boss one last time, 

I call her, she answers, and...”Boss, I cannot come in”

“what do you mean you cant come in?” 

“i dont feel comfortable coming into work this afternoon, I’m not going to risk this, i really dont feel good,”

“but i need you here, you need to come to work. Who’s going to pick up all of these passengers?”

“tell them were short staffed. its just how it is right now.”

“I cannot tell them that”

“im sorry but I cannot come in”

“fine, then stay home”

It felt awful. my boss was mad, and, well i honestly wasn't risking shit over this.

 And the moment we met up, I tell her aboutt he appointment, and we immediately go. my mom is almost speeding. I was more worried about her anxiety than my own well-being at that point. but eventually we made it to the meeting, My doctor told me the same thing as the nurse over the phone, “it is most likely appendicitis, if your appendix bursts, it could be very messy, very expensive, and... very potentially fatal if not treated soon enough, IF it bursts that is. so yes i highly reccomend the hospital. and so we went.

I get admitted, got my gown. got my room and bed, friend comes and visits, both my parents and half brother visit. its grand. all good and calm as i got prepped for the night and my cat scan. cause you cannot detect the appendix accurately enough on an Ultrasound (the more you know sound plays).

YEP its appendicitis. i sleep for the night. and got it removed the next day. they actually bumped up my surgery by about 3 hours or so cause i woke up in the morning with a 103 fever. (yikes) but they got me an ice bag and opened the door, 

That same day, I ate food, kept it down. felt SO, much better, and i walked out of the hospital. i was so happy to have that garbage out of me. apparently i was struggling with it. possibly for about a year. yeah... so yeah that happened.

also my boss fessed up a couple days later and said things are covered, told me not to worry about it, she felt very sorry about being a “heel”. and, I appreciate it. she told me if i need to i can take 2 weeks off, my doctor gave me a note for a week off.so. all well that ends well.

ok story time is over friends. thanks for reading.

[somehelplesssoul-ithink]

my 3am thoughts completely spilled out

well, its 2am and my boyfriend is sound asleep beside me. Isnt that exactly what us girls want? someone who treats you well and loves you literally sleeping like an angel right beside you?...-yes right? then why arnt i happy. ive been doing my own thing on my laptop for hours just trying to stay away because everything is frustrating me right now. hes a grown man but i dont feel like im dating one still. i love him with all my heart and hes so incredibly special to me but.. man i havent been myself at all recently. its like i can feel my body going through changes, my emotions changing, my reactions are different and i dont know why. i should be happy with no doubt in the world hes the one ... but i dont know how many more chances i should give him before i lose myself. or did that already happen?

im starting to worry about all the negative things ive heard, although we all have our haters right? but its soo weird, ive been having these visions into the future and all i see is myself looking deep into his eyes and holding back tears asking him how could he do this? but i dont get any farther then that and i dont know what this is really about but i have a very, very strong feeling im gonna get hurt. bad. he has my heart in his hands right now, but how do i trust someone i barely know? he has done absolutely nothing wrong but be himself and man, do i admire that and fall deeper everyday. looking at him get ready in the morning is breath taking and i definitely didnt have this feeling with my ex and i REALLY thought he was the one. so maybe this one is really something special

my mom always told me, and still does to this day that im going to go through 100,000 heart breaks before i truly found the one. Now at first i was very skeptical because my first boyfriend bradley was truly remarkable and i thought i was going to marry him, unfortunately i left him for personal reasons. then brandon came along... and he was very life changing. i spent years with him and felt things i never have before he was so different from my last relationship i thought i should try and hold onto this one forever, and yes i mean forever. well that recently changed and now im with my current one. so is it even worth it trying this young? because we clearly want different things right now. i just turned legal, i wanna party and be care free and he is 5 years older then me, totally finished his party stage and who is struggling to survive, he cant take care of himself and ive realized that fast. but im here now literally changing my life for someone elses sake.

that was my doubting coming out, it happens. but should it? i dont know anymore i love my boyfriend so much. it hurts not seeing him. yet, when im with him i get so upset. im so confused and frustrated i really need answers, although i already know what im gonna do. no matter what i have to stay with him and help him walk alittle longer, he deserves a fair chance.. we all do and i wanna be the one to take care of him in his hardest times. but theres only so long i can do it for too. i always took care of myself and did whats best for me but its different now, i dont do that much anymore. i do whats best for US and i want this relationship to succeed more then i want anything else in this entire world. im not kidding when i say hes special,  im honestly shocked even now, thinking how in the world did i score this one. i forgot to mention HES BEAUTIFUL .. like the most sexiest sweetest men ive ever met. hes incredible...  our bond and connection is whats really remarkable though, we are so alike maybe thats why he frustrates me so often.

i love him so much its hard to control myself sometimes. i just dont feel like i can talk to him about anything because i feel he plays the victim a lot. its always about his depression and how he feels but i dont think he has a single thought in his mind maybe im depressed too? i used to self harm in many ways and i still kind of do them to this day. i starting to be bulimic and he was alittle concerned when i told him but the next day, its like he totally forgot. he came to visit me at work, we ate sushi and immediately after i said “i felt sick” and what did i do? go to the bathroom to puke up my food. he still thinks nothing of it. unfortunately after that ive been craving anything that will alter my mind, well to prevent nights like this. alcohol, coke, molly, anything it is i will take it ... now that im writing this out im starting to understand the war im having with myself. maybe ill let him read this and he will understand what goes through my mind, or maybe ill delete the next day. whatever i do, i needed this and im gonna wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective.

its now 3am and im feeling a little better but still confused. when i look over to my left, hes still sleeping there so quiet and peaceful and i still think nothing of it. i still want to listen to my music and spill my fucking heart out because i have lots more to say. but i find it really hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes thats a big reason why i listen to music so much.. it really speaks for me and takes so much off my mind. kind of like a high from music, almost the same high id get taking drugs to release myself. music is just another way of me doing that. but whats really awesome is he has a big interest for music too, and thats just another thing i love about him. we can sit for hours and just show each other music, now thats really special to me.

theres so many songs i found tonight that are really helping me connect with myself and the emotions im feelings right now. its almost like god wanted me to stay awake so i can learn about myself, find some cool songs and spill my heart and soul out so i can sit back and look at what the fuck im doing. thats the part im at right now, occasionally scrolling up and reading whatever the hell im writing. none of this is perfect and theres multiple errors but, my fingers are just typing whatever my mind is telling it to.. and i havent been able to write like this for a long time. so im taking for granted any time i have right now to just.. write 

as the night goes on i can finally start to feel my eyelids slowly shutting and my brain is wanting to turn off, but im still so hurt i dont know whats going on with me, althought i do get bad sometimes. i guess this is what you call me getting bad is :/ im trying to restrain myself from grabbing the bottle because i almost bkacked out last night. but writing is so therapeutic i dont ever want to stop. and plus, why am i doing this while with my boyfriend? shouldnt i be cherrishing every little moment we have? or is that just the first stage of any relationship? who fucking knows. who knows anything anymore? because i dont. i dont know whats with relationships but majority dont end well, so why as us humans constantly create and live in relationships? oh this is know, because we crave attention and love. thats something i really need to be careful with not growing up with a father, being in dyer need of attention and protection. i used to give everyone who looks at me a chance. but that kept leaving me broken and pieces of my heart and soul were shattered between my feet. even my relationships were destroyed by my decisions. thats why im asking should i even bother anymore? am i the common demoninator in all my past failed lovers.. who knows?

but i think my time here is almost done. the more i watch him the more i wish i was sleeping beside him. but i know what to do now, because i truly am in love, i need not to let myself go, not be controlled and just be Meghan. because so far, im really liking the woman ive become so far which means i must of done something right

[missingyou77]

12/10 11:52PM

today was very weird for me. i mean i get manic often but not like this. my eyes have never been so dilated from being manic. but when im manic i always try to take advantage of it and do what ive been putting off. i was on my phone til around 2am, then i started manic cleaning my room til 9am. my room wasnt very messy to begin with, but with my autism, cleaning is SO overwhelming. it could be the easiest job for someone to do but just the site of my messy room and knowing i was going to try to clean it would put me on the verge of tears. ffs i paced around my room for a good 5 minutes with a shoe almost crying not knowing where to put it. i tried on almost every article of clothing i own while cleaning my room, and i had to just try everything i found in my room. such as perfume, makeup, video games i lost, whatever. it took me hours to clean because my brain is so stupid. 

my mom called me and told me she had forgotten her vape at her house before leaving for work so she asked if i could bring it to her and she would give me some gas money. so i did that and my dad had also given me some money so i bought gas and a hair straightener, i cut my bangs yesterday so i need to straighten them to look good. on my way home from that i got that god complex and decided im over my ex.

my friend picked me up and i went out of town with her, her friend, and 2 of our guy friends. we went to the hotsprings and it was amazing. it was snowing but we were warm. i live in a v small town so theres no fast food so we also got some mcdonalds. her friend was very nice, she sat next to me the whole way i mean there was 5 of us in that tiny car so there wasnt much room but we were talking the whole way and shes rlly cool. 

then i got home and ate dinner with my family and my sister and her boyfriend came over so that was nice. 

my dad bought a fake christmas tree this year, its white and it has lights attached to it so i set that up on the table. its a small one. we have to have it up because we have 8 wiener dogs who r very annoying and they like to ruin everything. theyre so cute so its fine but jfc.

this time of year is sad for me, just like a lot of people. but its hard for me because i feel like nothing will ever be the same. im not wrong there, i mean last year i was probably wrapped up with my ex in his bed and feeling complete bliss. but now i am in my bed, writing about my day on tumblr. oh how the tables turn. nor will anyone read this im sure. this is mainly for me tbh, but it would be cool if someone gaf enough to read this shit. not like my lift is crazy, im just a alcoholic teenager going through a breakup. boohoo. 

now i am on the phone with this boy. hes nice, i met him back in 2020 but we stopped talking for a while. last night while we were on call, i asked if we could play fortnite but i said it in some sort of pouty voice so he said “heh. youre cute”. does that mean he likes me? i mean i cant get in a relationship or anything. i need to work  on myself or smth but i used to like him a lot and i like him now too. its just different now because of my trauma and im scared. but he is really nice. 

anyways if u read this far, i love you. 

[krebstar]

hey so like i feel absolutely silly doing this but it has been really rough and i’m not sure i can really Handle my mom anymore

this is mostly planning in advance but, i’m in a mentally abusive household and i really need out of it. however, i am a minor so i’m unable to for at least another year. i would really appreciate having the money to move out as soon as i can, which is why i’m making this post.

my paypal is here, and you can buy me a coffee here. i do commissions, too if you would prefer that.

more details about what’s going on are under the cut. it’s... really long but has like. everything i can remember, so.

so... this has been going on as long as i can remember (~10 years old or so). it used to be both of my parents, but my dad passed away and now it’s just my mom.

the earliest thing that i can remember is from the later years in elementary school (3-5th grade? around 8-10 years old?). my dad was terrifying when he was angry and was very loud, and my mom had a tendency of getting me in trouble, and then telling him how awful i was and she would have him yell at me for something he knew very little about (she would make him just jump into the conversation.) this was one of those times, and i was curled up on the floor with him yelling at me, and her standing over me. i remember afterward, i wrote something along the lines of “my happiness is ruined” or “i’ll never be happy” or something of the sort about.. not being happy, then i tore it to shreds.

around middle school (11-14 years) was where everything sort of picked up? my mom began to pick on me with constantly telling me i was breaking out, i looked bad, smelled bad, and so on and so forth. i asked her to stop numerous times and she refused to, laughing in my face whenever i asked. it started to make me feel bad about myself, and is the root of why i’m self conscious.

one day (7th grade) when she was telling at me for something i can’r remember, i told her “i hate myself because of you” and she replied “if you hate yourself because of me, you need to get a life.” thus, marking when i stopped telling her anything.

there was one time at a restaurant, where my mom wanted me to try and do the math for the bill. despite me refusing due to my math learning problems (possibly dyscalculia, but she refuses to get me tested), she continued to try and press it on me. when i continued to say no and got stressed and upset that she was trying to force me to do something i didn’t understand, she reacted badly. she told me that we were joking and laughing (we weren’t, she was very serious) and then told me that i had a “personal problem.”

my mom and i were at my grandma’s over the summer and she told me that she always jokes with me after arguments (meaning: she yelled at me a lot and made me have a panic attack) so i “get over it quicker” / “forget about it”

at one point laptop broke, and my mom called the people to send it in and get it fixed despite already taking her medicine (which wouldn’t have kicked in for another 30 minutes). I was grateful and thanked her, though i was still panicky and crying due to being so dependent on my laptop. i was yelled at for being in that state, and it was another instance when my dad yelled at me as i was curled up on the floor. he yelled at me for not being grateful when my mom called even though she took her medicine, and for some other stuff i can’t remember right. (i do remember pulling my hair hard and calling myself a horrible ungrateful daughter.)

one time when my dad and her were fighting (they were on a brink of a divorce before he passed away) she said that if i wasn’t around, that she would kill herself. she said that.. when i was right there in the other room with the door wide open.

(my dad was always neglectful of me, and never? really gave me the time of day to the point where i didn’t entrust that he could take care of me, and if he payed attention to me, he would just yell at me.)

in 8th grade, my dad passed away by drowning (i feel uncomfortable giving more details about that, if you need them you can PM me, but otherwise i won’t disclose the rest. i have a post about it in my archives somewhere as it was happening.) i grieved “weirdly” i suppose, i didn’t wish to hear the word “dad” or look at the river, let alone be around it. i didn’t want to talk about it with my mom, though i talked about it with my friends.

i continued to not to want to look at the river, and would refuse to, for a couple months. my mom didn’t like this at all and told me to “get over it” several times. and even though i asked her not to talk about him several times, she did anyway, constantly and always.

around freshman year things sort of.. escalated. the rest of this will be taking place from freshman year to current (14-16/almost 17). these might be out of chronological order, but ill try to keep them in order as much as possible. i started writing stuff down around here so im going to start off with the dated ones:

Saturday, January 9 2016: admitted to wanting to slap me Wednesday, January 20 2016: admitted to wanting to slap me Monday, February 22 2016: Oak Court mall in a dressing room: grabbed me by my shirt Wednesday, March 30 (6:00am): “You know one day in the morning you’re going to cop a little attitude and i’m just going to smack you.” (a minute afterward coming and saying she loved me) Monday, August 8th (5:36am) “if you give me a sarcastic attitude this early in the morning, I’ll end up smacking you in the face.” Wednesday, August 31st (9:41am) she was throwing an eraser at me, and when I was showing discomfort, she said “be glad I’m not throwing something bigger at you” and pretended to hit me with my tub of icing

August 9th, 2016: i suggested we leave so we can go feed the cats [that i was catsitting]. she didnt get that, and got mad at me for “never listening to her” because she wanted to feed the cats afterwards. she said i always get what i want, and she wants to get what she wanted. started talking about how i “lived a charm life” and i always “get what i want” and asked me what i “didnt have” and “nothing? yeah”

told her i was upset because i felt like she was so mad at something that wasn’t that big of a deal. the conversation below happened (her voice was slightly raised)

my mom: you always say i get upset with you for nothing me: when was the last time i did that? my mom: the last time we fought me: and when was that?? my mom: my mom: it doesnt matter

she started talking about how it was a problem i think i “always get what i want” and if i didnt think it was a problem that i had a “serious problem” with her. i started to be unresponsive, just looking ahead and replying with “okay” and not being on my phone. she started to try to talk to me, and turned on the radio station i like to listen to. she started to tell me she loved me. she apologized afterwards, and its the only time i can ever remember her apologizing for anything.

there was a time we got into an argument, she said that we “dont have [my] dad to be peacemaker,” completely ignoring that it was NEVER his role to be peacemaker, and that she only ever made him yell at me more.

she talked a LOT about my dad and how awful he was, and about their marriage problems. she told me at one point that her bipolar is so bad because my dad never had sex with her enough.

she attempted to have .... something with one of my really close friend’s dad at one point in time, in the past couple years or so. i walked in on them making out sometime. she wanted to date him-- and lied about it-- and he didn’t because he was a bit weirded out because my dad had still somewhat recently passed away. she cried for a whole 24 HOURS, ignoring sleeping time, about him and about how much she missed my dad, but never let me grieve in my own way.

we were at perkins when the subject of dating was brought up and i told her i was uncomfortable with it (it hadnt even been a year, or had just been a year or something) and she told me, again, to “get over it”

and, then, she got her boytoy (who we’ll call larry) and successfully got (and still has) a friend with benefits. she lied to me a long time, and told me that they weren't together or anything despite them fucking while i was home, and NOT being silent about it, either. i eventually told her i knew and that it made me uncomfortable that they had sex while i was at home. she told me to get over it at first, that i always got everything i asked for, so on and so forth.

after a while, and me continuously asking her not to have sex while i was home because i already walked in on her once, she told me that it was her house and that her friends couldn’t “believe the audacity [i] had asking her not to fuck while im home” and she.. hasn’t stopped. ive actually found her bondage gear recently.

(sidenote on larry: hes... really disgusting. he watched one of my friends take a shower while she was over, and when i told my mom that she said “well not everyone is perfect.”)

and then... the night that prompted me to start this post, which happened october 8th. she left me home alone for ~30hours (and i only saw her for 2 of those), which... i had already told her numerous times that i dont like to be home alone at night because it causes my delusions to act up and makes me very paranoid. on the third night she was gone, i texted her a handful of times asking how she was because i hadn’t seen her, and i missed her (a novel concept) and.. that was apparently the wrong thing to do.

she came home at 2am that night and started to ask me why i could never be home alone and making it way deeper than it actually needed to be. she called me a coward for my delusions, selfish, and told me that she didn’t think i was going to be a functioning human being. she told me that im faking my mental illnesses because i want an excuse to be scared (which ill get into later*) and refused to acknowledge the research i had done on these mental illnesses. at one point she was guilt tripping me, and i gave in and admitted it was my fault... and then she..? guilt tripped me? for that. she said that i was just “saying that to make [her] feel bad.” she told me that i was making up my mental illness symptoms by telling me that they’re.... “in [my] head” and that i cant be mentally ill because ive stood up for myself twice. (the only reason that i’ve stood up for myself is because the things that were happening were very hazardous to my health and i was close to killing myself)

i had been sleeping in her room because my air conditioning upstairs wasnt working and it was too hot to exist up there at all, and so i packed the items i brought down with me, and was moving to go upstairs. she forced me to stay downstairs because i was “running away from the conversation” (which ill also get into later**) and forced me to stay the night downstairs. after the conversation was said and done, she returned and told me “do you ever think your delusions and hallucinations are overactive imagination because of your ocd and you think of the worse possible scenario when you hear a noise?” which is...not how anything works.

the following morning, she was EXTREMELY petty and wouldnt let me leave her side since “i missed her so much!!” and continued to force me to spend time with her and refused to let me on my laptop or phone. she started to yell at me again (which i cant really remember what she said, but she called me selfish for.. wanting her around?)

BONUS CONTENT :) aka stuff that i wasnt able to put in to keep it chronological

my mom has always threatened to ground me because of crying (though she said she would “never ground me because it would ground [her] too”) and im basically... not allowed to feel anything but happy, because if i express any other emotion it always results in her yelling at me for some reason.

*she gladly admits that i inherited OCD from my dad (who had an extreme case, as well as almost my dad’s whole entire family) but refuses to admit that i also inherited psychosis from her. ive brought up that im pretty sure i have DPDR, but she also refuses to even learn what it is and tells me that im just faking it. she won’t get me help, and says she won’t.

**my mom walks away whenever she doesnt get her way in an argument. she has left me in the middle of a museum in another state (not without shouting “fuck you” at me from across the room first), in the middle of a parking lot for at least 5 minutes, walked out of my grandma’s house twice, and then walked away from me another time downtown (thankfully i was with a friend.)

she shits on literally anything i enjoy. we go to the movies, i show her shows, i talk about things i like and she always has to find something she hated about it. even when she cant find anything specific, she replies with “eh it was okay” and doesn't fake it to ever let her child enjoy something. i always feel bad immediately after. the most recent example i can think with this is seeing moana with her.

if anything Major Happens(tm) ill probably reblog this and add it on, but until then.................. yeah

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn…��. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

[artwlw]

oh btw the long awaited Killer Moth story: so its like 1am right im goin to bed (shut up i kno) and its chill im kinda scrolling on my phone and i hear noises outside and i live in the country so im like k prolly just a coyote im fine but then the sound gETS CLOSER like is2g its iN MY ROOM and then out of nowhere a giant moth kinda attacks my phone screen and i try not scream and im like wtf and its 1am and im tired so my logic is screwy but i kinda decide if i leave it alone itll leave me [1/?]

alone so i turn off my phone bc ha no more light (me at 1am is smort) but i swear it gets anGRY and like it goes silent for 10 minutes then mAKES SM NOISE LIKE I KID U NOT IT SOUNDS LIKE A GIANT ANIMAL SCAVENGING IN. MY. ROOM. and like maybe after 30min of this im like screw it this means wAR so i turn on the lamp by my bed and grab my glasses and theres this almost empty tub of vaseline on my nightstand and i open it to trap the moth in (scREWY LOGIC OK) and then i wait. but like full [2/?]

disclosure im so so terrified like i have anxiety and im scared of the dark aND im scared of insects so this is doing all sorts of things to my mental health and for like maybe another 30min im like doin a lil stakeout safely hidden under my covers trying to breathe normally but the moTH IS GONE AND IM LIKE?? DID I MAKE IT UP?? WHY IS IT SCREWING WITH ME?????? ITS LIKE 2AM NOW and eventually i get fed up like no this eNDS so i stand up with my vaseline jar and walk around my room hitting [3/?]

objects trying to get it out of hiding its not working 2:30am now i give up and return to stakeout safe in my bed (still War tho bc lbr,,, i knew i wouldnt be able to sleep knowing it was there,, i was gonna be up all night) and eventually oUT OF NOWHERE IT FLIES STRAIGHT AT ME LIKE IM FLINGING MYSELF BACK AGAINST THE BED AND TRYING TO HIDE UNDER THE COVERS AGAIN THIS IS A STRAIGHT UP ASSAULT NOW. and once i get my bearings back its gOnE!??!?!? so anyway fuck this moth right [4/?]

it comes at me again but im Ready now i wait for him to settle down (he was oN MY PILLOW WTF) and then i like spring at him at trap him with my vaseline jar ive been cradling all night and i snap the lid on that thing so fast and for ten minutes i just,, sit there laughing at it,,,, like damn right ive defeated u dont mess with me (theres video i saved it to sc memories and sent it to my friend.. like it was a frickin war prize i aint messing around. and then i threw it in the trash [5/?]

in my kitchen and went to sleep,,, yup. and that kiddos is the story of time i almost died ~~~fin~~~~~~~ sa

omg this is WILD i’m just trying to imagine this 1.5 hour battle between you and a moth late at night... but  i’m proud of you for vanquishing the enemy

[thegeminisage]

more botw blogging, SUPER spoilery

this is a real long post sorry normally i break these up and this time i didn’t

and finally, off we go to a new province

this time im making its tower my first stop, since i can see it from here

i tried to paraglide across the river but i didn't have enough height so i landed on the cliffside and ITS RAINING!!!!! for fucks sake

i cant believe this game actually got me to hate rain..........

not only that but when i died in the water it didn't reload me back to where i started to glide from but a bit of cliff i stood on lol so #struggles right from the first minute

rain for the next 3 hours.......and i gotta climb it in the rain....jesus

i guess i could fast travel but i'd have to walk all the way back there :/

hmm. maybe the gae's throwing me the rain on purpose. an npc mentioned this river was notoriously difficult to cross :///

yep as soon as i turned away: it cleared. Great

well i see some bridge-like things further downstream i guess i'll check that out

lol jk i managed to glide across a different part and climb

like i saw my forecast change but then it changed back to sun so w/e i'll take it im up here now

aaaaah i can see so many cool things from here!!!!! i cant wait to explore them all!!!! that #new province feel

i hate like, feeling obligated to track down every last bit of stuff in the old ones when you're seeing new exciting stuff

but i love the feel of getting to a new one and not even knowing which cool thing to check out first

ohhh my god lol there's a big-ass bokoblin camp on the way to the tower i think i see a moblin but im not sure

aaaand im dead

at least there werernt any moblins!

tbh it isnt a difficult camp i just wasnt vigilant about healing

me every time i see something new: what the Fuck is that!?

in this case it was an ice wizzrobe which made it snow EVERYWHERE oh my god

That Was Difficult

if i didn't have my fire arrows and lynel bow it would have taken way longer

i died again!!!

those weird pattern bokoblins have SO much attack power ):

come on i have to clear out the camp AGAIN? and kill the wizzrobe?

naw dude i am skipping this nonsense i am going straight up the fucking cliff

HA i sniped them from above >:3

w

there's a zora on top of this tower!!!!!!!

omg poor thing he can't get back down i wish i could carry him on my paraglider

man i love the tower cutscenes and music and the way they unfold it's so cool

BIG SHINY NEW PROVINCE YYYYEAH!!!!

oh hey i found another zora down near these bridges

they all want me to go see their prince haha noooo i have too much to explore!!!

oooh it's so easy to get all turned around on these bridge thingies

man i love this province it's SO pretty

ah i found a goron on a sandbar!! how did you get out here with all this water...

nooo the blood moon again i knew it was coming the music has been funny all night >:(

lol jk the music faked me out its 2am and i warped to the stable for nothing (i was trying to get that one dude's reaction)

i came back and did the shrine and found another zora!! lol they all really want me to go see that dude

there's a thing i need to climb but ugh rain

while i was bored i chopped grass and attached octo balloons to things

now i am in the wetlands which are AWFUL to walk through i can practically feel the mud squishing between my toes and i want to die lmao

there are horses here!! i miss mine ):

ive done enough shrines now to get another upgrade but i dont feel like doing all that backtracking blegh

oh noooo i see a guardian out here, a moving one ;_;

ah it's been awhile since i failed to fight the still ones on the plateau...i wonder what the start screen meant by "the right tools" ive got a lot of damn tools!! did they mean arrows??

lol yet another zora telling me to meet with the prince.........dude

this prince must be either desperate or spoiled

uh

okay maybe its a glitch but i think?? i see?? a flying island in the distance? What The Fuck

wait no it looks kind of like a ship or giant bird??

my pins don't stick to it, it's definitely moving around

jesus fuck

AHAHAH FUCK THE GUARDIAN SAW ME

HAD TO TAKE REFUSE IN THE FUCKING SHRINE

jesus christ i hate those things!!!! you can't kill them!!!!!!!

NO oh my god there's a hinox over here too

why this Why This

lol the hinox fighting music is giving me trauma flashbacks

actually that wasnt so bad with a defense elixir on

maybe it's just me but this province feels kinda small? i feel like i could finish exploring it p quickly, which is nice

not that i'm not having fun but i know i'm going so slowly ):

me every five seconds: i miss my hooorse i want one to ride around to go faaaaster

i guess...i could catch...one of these

and like. not register it bc the stable is 10000 miles away but

a temp ride. let's see if i can. need to use up some of my sneak potions anyways

i caught one and rode it awhile, but my heart's not in training it...i want My Horse

oh my god wait i hear town music!! is this a stable right here!! AAAAAH

so i did catch a pretty black one and named it luna - had to let the first one i caught go lol but it didn't have great stats and i only rode it once so it'll be happier in the wild probably

KASS IS AT THIS STABLE IM SO HAPPY SO IS HESTU

he's playing epona's song i'm gonna CRY

I MISS EPONA IM DYING

oh my god he had a story for me!! the same one that impa told!!!!! man

the music is still so good. fuck.

lmao i was talking to one dude and he was like well might as well head back inside ugh that place is so filthy and the women so free you might as well call it a manfill

UM?? NINTENDO??

i can see hyrule castle super close from where i am and it looks super scary and i super want nothing to do with it rn

i get the feeling you can like, go in there whenever? maybe even do the endgame stuff early? but oh my god i Dont wanna

OMG i just mounted a bear

i read that you could ride things other than horses but holy shit lmao

i mean

it killed me after i got off, but man

sadly i must now board my horse and continue with The Story see i explored the non-story bits of that province SUPER quickly dang

oh no

this shrine is called a minor test of strength

Oh No

Why, God

oh. that was actually like SUPER easy compared to the other two haha phew

this lady at the crossroads said the prince was creepy omg i knew there was something, ahaha, excuse me, "fishy"

whoa i love his music theme!!

lmao i always get so SHOCKED when they talk!!! even still!!!!!

voice acted cutscenes of this game are like fmvs of final fantasy games in generations 5-7 lol

oh my god...the wink/sparkle thing...he's such a HAM

he's flattering me TOO much omg dude what do you want.......

ok, ok, i like him

he doesn't seem very trustworthy but since his people are in trouble i'll cut him some slack on that one

oh nooo i gotta climb this in the rain......

ah, it's sunshowering tho! that's kinda neat

i just got attacked by octoroks and my heart wept a little because traveling up zora's river dodging octoroks to get to and save zora's domain...I've Been Here Before

listen, i could write a book on this

(lol i did write 300k on this but shhh that was a long time ago)

like...if link is actually a reincarnation does he get flashes of memory

oot happened in every timeline but i know wind waker didn't

but do you think assuming this is in the same timeline as wind waker something in him feels at home the first time he sails a raft again

or hears kass play epona's song at the ranch

or ducks an octorok on his way to zora's domain

people treat the incarnation thing as a kind of tragedy - the world will never be free of evil so long as ganon/ganondorf exists

but maybe there's happiness in it too

no matter what happens, no matter how sad the ending - i mean hell, in this very game, link and zelda LOST

no matter what though, it's guaranteed that they'll see each other again

over and over and over without end, link and zelda are gonna meet and be together for awhile while they defend hyrule again

frankly if that's not a soulmate idk what is

and frankly i'm perpetually offended that they don't develop ganondorf the man more like they did in wind waker...that was the Peak tbqh

i would kill for something like that again

anyway

i love how present the current here is, like with the stuff floating down the river, thats a NICE touch

tbh it's actually really nice that he keeps uselessly checking on me on the way up the river

like, i've been so lonely

even now i miss my companion going "what's WITH that guy" like they probably would if i had one

so this is nice. tbh.

i know it was probably a deliberate choice and makes the game stronger but a companion for this game, someone to share it with...that would've been cool

even just zelda as the protag, she could do some internal narration

but the whole thing is just so quiet.

this place is so pretty tho?? in the distance i see these like, pink coral looking plant things, and the blue columns and bridges are gorgeous

OH NO LIGHTNING GOD WHY

i think its an area thing too i cant just wait it out lmao im gonna Die

oh jk it's just rain now

idk why my entire forcecast changes to a particular type of weather and its only like that a few seconds...super weird and annoying

lol sidon all "you're almost halfway there i believe in you!!" and not helping fight and link's little "k" wave

i love link as a silent protag even if i did have him talk in my writing like it's so endearing

i wonder if link is like sgr like "i am 100 years old what is this zora kid even doing. what is he EVEN DOING."

lol just had to dodge some rocks rollin down a hill

you see this is what i mean. there's a weird sense of familiarity and nostalgia if you've played the games a lot. i wonder if the spirit of the hero feels that way with each new adventure, too

like if he's okay doomed to an eternity of fighting and parting with zelda over and over

because in the end he always gets to do this again

like i can see the spirit of the princess/goddess being high key miserable about those circumstances but i wonder if the spirit of the hero is maybe secretly glad

because part of him will always yearn for the next adventure

he never COULD be happy settling because this is what he was born for

WE love doing this again and again and again, maybe it's not such a stretch to think the spirit of the hero does too

or maybe i'm projecting so hard onto him because undertale has so successfully blurred the line between the player and the game for me LMAO

oh man i just noticed all the names on this map

lulu, mikau ;_;

i miss them!!!!

just once i wish zelda games would feature the same side characters in two or three titles

we never got to see saria or darunia or lulu again

we get to come back to the world but every friend we've ever made has been gone

like some narnia shit i swear to god

lol this is why i should never do story all i do is rant about My Zelda Feels, which are literally endless

oh NICE battle with a blue moblin on the bridge!!!!

ah i like the zora history here too please give me all the worldbuilding i wanna know everything about this world that i can bc rn all i know is "we got Fucked"

i guess i also know about the automans but i need More

i say, while procrastinating on getting to the story

in other news i have an ice and lightning rod which i havent bothered trying to use

bc when i tried to use the boomerang i failed utterly lol

but these? holy shit dude these are Powerful when you actually land a magic hit like Dang

i Love them im never avoiding another wizzrobe again (thats where they drop from)

oh wow

i finally made it, and

man. oh man. it's so beautiful

i wish i could see if better

jesus the zoras always had the prettiest parts of the games imo

OH NO THE MUSIC

OH NO!!! im gonna cry omg

it's the same melody from oot i think!! oh my god!!!!!!

omg there's a zora here named rivan who says he knows me?!?!

omg no he's listing some of link's old pals from Before im so sad why can't he remember

OOOH i shouldn't speak to the elderly bc apparently i am "guilty" of something?? i love this development PLEASE tell me more

i love that they all age so slowly #nice

am i walking into a fucking execution lmao sidon don't play me......

omg the little zora kids are adorable!!!

omg there's a statue of the zora champion ;_;

man this is all so cool i wanna know EVERYTHING about what happened back then!!!!

lol the shrine here was SUPER nerve wracking god you had to like, roll the giant ball down a hill and stop time at JUST the right moment skjghf

oh my gosh ANOTHER zora who knows me (lol "linny")

im so ;w; they all know me!!!!!!

i slept on the blissful water bed at the inn and was mystified and alarmed by the sound effects but i got an extra stamina wheel and 3 extra hearts!!! god damn you can't beat that shit

im so amazed at how many people knew link and like, blame him? i wanna know so bad what happened, i wanna know more about mipha

ten bucks says she's still alive and like trapped in the divine beast but corrupted

or a ghost or something like the old man ;_;

aww zoras sleep in the water aw aw :3

i'm loving this theme of link sleeping for so long like at first i thought of sgr but i just realized it's also like oot (and i can't believe i didn't make that connection first...)

like in oot the people who knew him Before are so happy to see him again and are sure he can help them

but in this game it's a bit mixed

and in this game we don't know the details of 100 years ago yet ;_;

zora's domain here is like. so GLOWY. reminds me of waterfall from undertale tbh lol i wanna paint it

so i'm talking to the king and this one elderly zora goes "the hylians abused an ancient society's power to turn hyrule into what it is today" & like...tbh my dude you have a point. if they had never gotten those guardians out then they couldn't have turned on them

oh my GOD

i just got my first look at a divine beast and i can't believe i was calling them jaegers

my jaw dropped irl holy shit

like that thing truly looks both divine and beastly (this one is an elephant)

is mipha still in there as like a ghost ;_;

it's so clear how much everyone misses her

and she seemed so sweet in the one short memory i recovered

every time sidon does his sparkle smile i love him a little more

i didn't trust him at first bc he seemed a little too eager but now i see he's just doing his best!!!!

especially as someone who thinks radically and progressively in a society where elders stay around hundreds of years

YESSSSS I GOT ZORA ARMOR!!!! YES!!!!!!!!

SWIM SPEED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omfg and it's an engagement thing just like the sapphire

MADE BY MIPHA?

thats right that other lady said link was supposed to choose between her and mipha

listen mipha seems cool and all but i've been shipping zelink for 19 years, so

oh NO, mipha had feelings for link

oh no poor mipha...oh my god

WAIT AM I ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER MEMORY??? OH MY GOD!!!!!

duuuuuude

"no matter how bad the wound i will ALWAYS" heal you and then link wakes up in water

did she do that!!! did she save him ;_; oh my god im going to cry

"you are quivering like a hatchling" PLEASE protect my poor son

muzu is making me sad dude he misses her so much and he hates this so much

ooooh i have to fight another lynel for shock arrows...good Lord im not looking forward to that

I KNEW IT

"calamity ganon took control of the beasts and trapped the champions inside" yep either she's still alive like link and zelda or her body is in there and so is her fucking ghost

DUDE!! i just swam up my first waterfall and it was AWESOME!!!!!

so im at shatterback point now hwere lynel is just bc i wanted to swim up a waterfall but probably he will kill me quickly lmao

apparently you can mount him too which. sick.

but idk i dont have any good food or elixirs or weapons ready im just up here for science im probably gonna knock off soon i gotta Draw

Oh Fuck There He Is ):

it's super tedious to have top go back and delete every fucking picture i take for my copendium one by one those shouldn't save in my album automatically come on dude im trying to take a picture of this lion centaur thing here

aaah there's a rainbow here too #nice

ah well got him about a quarter pf the way down before i died :/ not bad for being completely unprepared

tbh i only had one defense food?? had i had more i could have whittled him down eventually

anyway thats all for tonight!! i doubt i'll play anymore tonight bc i have drawing to do

lol this is a long post but it's all in one bc i'm typing them in notepad now and don't have to worry about them getting too long

[alicedoessurveys]

131 Questions

1. On Saturdays, I like to… Depends what mood I’m in or how I’m feeling. If I’m in a tired, ’cba with anything’ mood I can easily lounge in my jammies at home watching telly and playing sims. If I’m in a more energetic ‘need to get out the house’ mood ill persuade my mom to go shopping, or take the dogs out or something

2. Where would you like to be a missionary to? Idk what that means

3. What’s better — toilet paper rolled over top or underneath? Over

4. Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?) Probably shaggy and scooby cause I’m scared of everything

5. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why? Idk, hurricane maybe? Id rather not be in any disaster tbh

6. What movie or TV show do you take guilty pleasure in watching? Not gonna lie, there are some shows on kids tv I actually enjoy watching

7. If you had to describe your day as a traffic sign, what would it be? Ive had a mental block and I can’t think of any traffic signs

8. What traditional stereotype would you classify yourself as? I don’t think I really fit into one stereotype. im kind of a nerd but not 100% nerd

9. What “group” did you belong to in high school? My group was a mishmash of people. we were branded as the weird, geeky, unpopular group by most people

10. If you wrote a book about yourself…what would it be about? Probably about my experience with mental health and how it affected my school/college years

11. If your house were burning down, what would you take and why? obviously first thing id do would be check my family and pets were safe. Then id grab my laptop, the teddy I’ve had since I was born and try to get the two boxes from under my bed that I keep my memories in.

12. Describe your favorite pair of PJ’s. My favourites at the moment are my Christmas ones I bought myself this year. They’re red and white, with a kind of Christmas jumper pattern on them. Its hard to describe them but they’re super cosy

13. How many handbags do you own? Like two, I’m not big on handbags. I buy one and keep it until its dies then get a new one

14. If this were your last day alive, what would you say to your friends? Thank them for sticking with me and giving me some great memories

15. What is your very favorite part of your day? getting into bed at the end of the day

16. What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it. I don’t consider any of my scars ‘best’.. the one that has the most meaning is the one on my stomach. Its from when my appendix burst when I was two years old and my parents said It was 50/50 wether I survived or not

17. You win a million dollars, but you have to give half to a charity. Which charity do you pick, and what do you do with the rest of the money? probably Birmingham dogs home, or dogs trust

18. Describe your dream wedding where money is no option. IF I every do get married, I would like a winter/christmas wedding cause Christmas is my favourite time of year and winter weather is a bit more predictable. Id want to get married in a church, then go to a big castle hall for the reception. Honeymoon in lapland!

19. What kind of deodorant do you use? I think its either dove or sure..? I can’t remember. its a spray deodrant though, can’t deal with those horrid wet stick ones  

20. If you were a spy what would your alias be? is alias like, spy name? I don’t know, I can’t think of anything cool haha

21. Do you have a birth mark? Where? Does it look like anything? Nope, don’t think so

22. You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list to keep the dinner talk interesting? Edie Redmayne because.. its eddie redmayne and he’s just adorable. kate mckinnon would be a freakin’ amazing dinner party guests I chose her and I can’t think who id chose for the third person.. maybe Walt Disney. NO WAIT, JOHNNY DEPP!! I choose Johnny Depp, I feel like he’d have a lot of great stories

23. What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for? None

24. Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug? Why? Hug

25. If you could be a pair of jeans what style would you be?  Why? Skinny jeans, so I could be skinny :’)

26. You have multiple personalities, describe some of them. too many to go into

27. What is the best thing you have done in your life? Probably passing my driving test. OR, when I was 17 I got certified as a Zumba instructor. even though I ended up having to give up Zumba, thats probably the thing I’m the most proud of in my life so far. As someone who suffers anxiety/panic attacks it was a massive achievement to travel to blackpool, go dance at Winter Gardens ballroom ON MY OWN in a room full of strangers for 6 hours, and come out with a certificate.

28. If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most? Everything. It would be awful. Id probably miss seeing my dogs faces the most

29. What household chore do you hate the most? Washing the dishes, or hanging my clothes up in the closet

30. What is your most disappointing moment in life? the whole college experience. dropping two of my a levels, failing the other two. Then dropping out of college course. And again, dropping out of another college course. Not a great 3 years for me.

31. When have you laughed the hardest? Cried? today. I realised my dog’s haircut made him look like Edna Mode from the incredibles.. easily amused. Last time I cried, Im not sure. The last time I remember crying was Christmas Eve

32. If you had a “theme song” that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be? My cellophane from Chicago? Haha idk

33. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? General appearance. Probably what they’re wearing, their hair, their face. If I’m up close face to face with someone the first thing I notice are eyes and mouth

34. What time period from the past would you most have liked to live in and why? 80s, I like the music

35. What is the best reward anyone can give you? support

36. If you had a band what would you name it? Idk, I used to have a name I said I would use but I can’t remember now

37. Do you like fruit? Vegetables? Not really. The only fruit I like is apples and bananas. The only veg I like are peas

38. What can someone do to encourage you? tell me they believe in me and be genuine about it

39. If you could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would you be? Why? What a bazaar question haha! Erm, the one from coco pops? The monkey

40. What was the best thing that happened to you this weekend? New Years day. i spent the day surrounded by family at my sisters house and we stayed they’re till almost 2am playing heads up and singing too loud

41. What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Ffs, I don’t know what an adjective is :’) favourite animal: dogs. Loyal, cuddly, goofballs

42. What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Again with the adjectives, gah! Fave colour, purple. I don’t know why, I just like it leave me alone

43. It’s a very hot and muggy day. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to quench your thirst and revitalize your body. What would you drink — either make your own or store-bought. Cold water obvs

44. You discover that the person you’re head-over-heels interested in loves a good homemade & handmade dessert. What will you concoct when you have this person over? Cookies, either salted caramel or Nutella filled

45. What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most? Idk, I don’t really have anything to leave :’)

46. What do you consider to the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now? Child: probably something stupid like dolls. Teenager: idk, laptop? Now: again probably laptop since I bought a new one yesterday. I would say dog but I don’t own the dog

47. What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done? Idk

48. If you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? Actress, or dancer. Or animal trainer for movies/tv

49. What are your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now? Best subjects: none. Worst subjects: all of them, but especially science.

50. What are you most talented at? Nothing :’)

51. What is your worst nightmare today? Still being the way I am now this time next year

52. How often do you clean between your toes? Idk, like almost every day I think

53. What is your favorite way to waste time at work without getting caught? I don’t have a job so idk

54. If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick? Tina in Fantastic Beasts.. being part of that amazing film AND getting to spend all that time with Eddie Redmayne <3

55. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? I don’t want to be apart of a circus

56. If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be? Having to go to the bathroom <- yup, that

57. You were just given a yacht. What would you name it? the mad hatter

58. If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard? ‘Dont expect everything to get better in college. It only gets worse’

59. You’ve just been hired to a promotions position at Kellog Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick? These questions are hard man

60. Just like “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”, what action would your name be if it were a verb? wtf

61. Name your favorite song. At the moment, I’m loving Todrick Hall ‘no place like home’

62. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be? I have a tattoo. I have 3 musical notes behind my ear. I want another tattoo, i want a lighthouse on the side of my foot under my ankle

63. If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be and why? If you already play an instrument(s), what do you play and why? ive just started playing the ukulele, my dad bought me one for Christmas

64. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get? I never went trick or treating

65. Why do you live in the Washington DC area? I dont :’)

66. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past? Just Christmas in general

67. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? I haven’t done anything outrageous.. the most ‘unlike me’ thing I did was stand up in front of my church and give a testimony. It was terrifying and I cried with relief when it was over haha

68. If a movie was being made of your life and you could choose the actor/actress to play you, who would you choose and why? Jennifer Lawrence

69. Paper or plastic? Paper I guess idk

70. What was the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten? I don’t eat anything weird, I’m a very boring eater

71. What do you keep in the trunk of your car? I have a basket which I keep de-icer, ice scraper, washer liquid, a torch, gloves, hat, tennis balls and dog poop bags

72. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why? I wanted to be someone who looked after peoples cats when they went on holiday.. don’t ask why

73. If you owned a CB radio what would your “handle” be? I dont know what that means

74. If you were given 24 hrs to live, what would you do? I can’t even, questions like this stress me out

75. If you were in the “Miss America” talent competition, what would your talent be? (Note: both guys & gals have to answer this question) i dont know, probably bring the dog on stage and dance with him or something haha

76. What do you think the most ultimate gift of the world is? Uh.. idk. I feel like this survey is gonna be really boring cause most my answers are ‘idk’

77. What is your earliest childhood memory? Earliest memory is mom dropping me off at preschool and my crying my eyes out being carried off by the teacher

78. What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up? I had many. I had a lot of veggitales videos

79. If you had one extra hour of free time a day, how would you use it? Either sleep, or just more time sitting on the sofa wasting my life

79. What CD is in your CD player right now? Rend Collective, Campfire II

80. The great theologian Andy Warhol stated that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame.  What happened during your 15 minutes? Still waiting for mine

81. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with. I met the wanted, Andy Jordan and literally bumped into laurence llewelyn-bowen in hobby craft last year

82. Name your favorite children’s story. Anything by road Dahl, the whole chronicles of Narnia or the grufflo

83. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why? hmm.. I haven’t mentioned eddie redmayne enough in this survey so ill say him :’) or Kate McKinnon.. love her

84. What person in the Bible do you most closely identify with? Esther was my favourite growing up, and now I’m older I identify with her a lot

85. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A hoodie because you can pull the hood over your head and hide away just like I’ve been doing for a long time <-this

86. If you were to write a book what would it be about? Im sure I answered this question earlier..?

87. How many rings before you answer the phone? I don’t really do that. I see who’s ringing and I either answer it or I don’t

88. What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning? Lie there contemplating wether to wake up or go back to sleep

89. If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it? Pay off they money I owe. Pay off parents debts, and sisters debts. Give them money. Buy a house in Bournemouth. Set up a doggy day care business.

90. If you had to, what part of your body would you get pierced? No thanks

91. Who was your favorite teacher and why? My English/drama teacher in the first year of senior school. She found out I was having difficulties and became like a mentor to be. She helped me out a lot.  

92. What makes you feel the most secure? My family

93. Who do you admire the most? Mom

94. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? What was it? I’ve had dreams about my teeth falling out a few times. Recently I keep having dreams about being in bed with spiders and snakes crawling on me and wake up hitting my duvet and generally freakin the f out

95. What was your nickname growing up? Bong

96. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them? My dad. I would try to play his guitars and would tag along with him when he went to his evening jobs

97. Peanut or plain? Peanut or plain what..?

98. What is your favorite cartoon character & why? I don’t actually know

99. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? all I remember is my dad took me to the park and held on to the bike while I cycled, then let me go and I rode into a tree

100. Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? The ability to jump to the worst conclusion in the quickest time

101. What’s the closest you’ve come to becoming a pop star/winning an Oscar? No where near

102. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it? I honestly can’t think of anything

103. What is your concept of a fruitful day? I dont know what that means..

104. What was your favorite thing to play with as a child? Why? I was quite an active child, I spent a lot of time climbing trees and running around outdoors. When I wasn’t doing that, my favourite toys were bratz dolls

105. If you could be any animal in the world for 24 hours, which animal would you be? Why? a bird, I would love to experience flying

106. Have you ever jumped out of a plane? Nope, im not adventurous enough for that

107. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be? Hate/war/terror

108. What is your best personal characteristic? Ughhhh I hate questions like this, I’m not good at saying nice stuff about myself

109. What is your favorite quote? “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those you don’t believe in magic will never find it.” - Roald Dahl

110. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Sneak onto a film set and see what its like

111. What is your favorite weird food combination? Im not into any weird food combinations. Like I said earlier, I’m not adventurous enough

112. If you had to be a flower, which one would you like to be and why? Maybe a rose, cause they’re pretty but they have thorns so they fight back again people who try to pick them :’)

113. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three books and three people would you take with you? 3 books: Fantastic beasts and where to find them, Harry Potter and the cursed child (cause its the one I’m reading atm) and a bible. 3 people: my mom, my dad and my sis
 114. My biggest pet peeve is… People in general

115. What is your favorite commercial? What commercial annoys you the most? I don’t really have a favourite. they all tend to annoy me after a while. OH WAIT! One advert I will never get fed up of is the Coca Cola Christmas one, ‘Holidays are Coming’

116. What’s the most interesting “Ice Breaker” Question you have ever been asked? I avoid situations that require ice breaker questions.

117. If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would it be? Why? Salted caramel, cause its my fave idk

118. Name a turning point in your life that makes you smile/cry. Makes me cry: probably the year I dropped out of college for the third time, got dianosed with depression then got ill with thyroid shit Makes me smile: maybe, going back to church this year because its changed my life for the better and set our family on an exciting journey thats just beginning :)  

119. If there were a holiday in your honor what would it celebrate? everyone who isn’t perfect, who is awkward, and fails at stuff a lot

120. What clubs were you a member of in High School? Are you still interested in any of the same things? I joined a drama club for like a week before it got shut down because there wasn’t enough members

121. If you were to be on a reality TV show which one would you be on and why? Probably big brother, I have no talents so I couldn’t go on anything else :’)

122. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why? Someone with talent. preferably someone who could sing, dance and act and was in musicals  

123. If someone rented a billboard for you, what would you put on it? ‘Make the effort to make someone smile today’

124. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? The ability to get animals to like me

125. If you were a Smurf, what would your name be? Awkward smurf, talentless smurf, failure smurf

126. What is your worst personality characteristic? Please refer to previous answer

127. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach? well I completed a night course in canine behaviour so I guess I could teach how to care for and train dogs

128. How would you like to be remembered? Someone who made people smile

129. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)? Whether I’m doing the right thing or not. what I should be doing with my life.

130. What do you like best about your hometown? I don’t know, I guess the fact that its got a nice reputation

131. Something interesting you might not know about me is… Im not very interesting..

[for-the-brokenhearted]

Survey

Bolded answer is the one from this year. Italics is last years, plain is the year before.

I feel like this would be something fun to do every year. 3/25/15

well its that time of the year again.. 4/19/16- im a little late

Super late on this annual survey shit..9/24/17

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? boyfriend 

boyfriend boyfriend 

2.When did your last hug take place?

this afternoon when i was leaving craigs place at keith lane during half time when the Giants were playing this afternoon with craig in the UTC before the smile meeting last night before i walked down my alley with alex brown

3.Are you a jealous person?

i think we all are it depends I can be

4.Are you tired right now?

tired but i know ill have trouble sleeping yeah just a little exhausted

5.Do you chew on your straws?

not really but sometimes yes sometimes sometimes

6.Have you ever been called a tease?

yeah yup YES

7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? no

absolutely not nope

8.Do you cry easily?

i used to but not anymore

yes i dont think so

9.What should you be doing right now?

sleeping studying sleeping

10.Are you a heavy sleeper?

nope no noooooo

11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

yeah, going on two and a half years now yup, its almost been a year :) absolutely, it just depends on the other person

12.Are you mad at someone right now?

no just myself not really no

13.Do you believe in love?

yes. yeah i do yeah just not for me right now

14.What makes you laugh no matter what?

clumsiness people falling down people falling down

15.Who was the last person you talked to?

the last person I talked to was Craig, over text, Craig, over snapchat text, Derek Elena Penedo (same as last year) or if texting counts then Craig Elena Penedo

16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

yes still do :) yup :)

17.Will you get married?

Im not really sure, i hope but im scared i hope so with the person im with i sure hope so, as long as im happy doing it

18.When was the last time you smiled?

about an hour ago i think right now watching gossip girl right now reading question 14

19.Does anyone like you?

yes, he loves me a lot yes very much :) maybe, but I dont think they want anything serious (derek) i never really ever know

20.Do you secretly like someone?

yes. yeah but its not a secret not necessarily, kind of

21.Who was the first person you talked to today?

Craig in bed this morning my friend Natalie in class today Madison Westbrook my roommate

22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my mom, alex or craig Craig Boland my mom or alex

23.What are you NOT looking forward to?

Work tomorrow  working on my finance project tomorrow a spanish presentation in the next week

24.What ARE you looking forward to?

hoping the feeling i have now goes away seeing craig tomorrow round up this weekend and the acacia mixer tonight

25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

yes yes yeah

26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do/

leave it leave it alone, they’re my ex for a reason confront them and talk it out

27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

no, im already out and living alone. i like my living situation yes, im gonna live with alex im already out, but not from where i live now

28.Are you a forgiving person?

Yes its healthy yeah, my downfall very much so

29.How many TRUE friends do you have?

4 2 3 tops

30.Do you fall for people easily?

i dont think so not really kind of

31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

no no. nope

32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

food

food my camelbak

33.Who was the last person you drove with?

Craig boland craig boland alex brown

34.How late did you stay up last night and why?

2am picking up dudney and smoking and drinking and messaging 1:30 watching tv 330 bc i was studying

35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?

not at this time no nope

36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Craig boland and nick san roman  Craig Boland Johnny Jones

37.Can you live a day without TV?

yeah yes absolutely

38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

like two days ago a couple days ago a couple weeks ago

39.Three names you go by…

Kendall, Kendy which trina calls me  Craig calls me lady m, little whacky, berry, globsta Kendall and Craig calls me little jackson/johnson and jimmy jop Kendall thats it

40.Are you currently in a relationship?

yes yeah :) nope

41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

500 days of summer probably endless love still endless love

42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

no nah no

43.What’s your current problem?

anxiety and depression, adjusting to promotion, figuring out my feelings anxiety/depression, finding a job, graduation anxiety

44.Have you ever had your heart broken?

oh yes yeah yes

45.Your thoughts of long distance relationship?

don’t do it but if i must, then sure for the right person hell no, unless you know its real dont do it

46.How many kids do you want to have?

2-3 3-4 4 tops

47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like theM?

no of course but not lately yeah its been a while since ive had to do that

[kaylainbloom]

An IUD-- what to “expect”

So I am a 20 year old female who has never had children before and I wanted to get on birth control. I did a whole lot of research, went to various GYNs, and weighed my options. I get horrible cramps, like keep you in bed, sweating, light headed, blackout, throw up cramps. In 2016, for the first time ever, my cramps were getting better (but that might also be because I was pumping myself full of tylenol and aleve). I was sick and tired of taking medication that I knew we killing my liver and kidneys, I also wised up and realized a 20-year-old sexually active woman should be on birth control.

After my search for birth control, I realized that an IUD would be my best option. I know I’m forgetful so the pill was out, I also have problems with fibroadenomas and hormones, so anything with estrogen was out. My doctors and I came to the decision that an IUD was best for me. I just had to choose between Mirena, Paraguard or Skyla.

All IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child. as stated before I DO NOT.

Mirena is a small, flexible, T-shaped device that is implanted in the uterus. Mirena uses levonorgesterel– a progestin birth control hormone–and slowly releases a small amount into the uterus over time. Because it releases hormones directly into the uterus, it releases a lower level of hormones into the body than oral contraceptive pills. The IUD slows or stops the movement of the sperm and egg by changing cervical mucus, fallopian tubes and the uterine lining. It takes about 7 days for the hormonal IUD to start working, and it remains effective for 5 to 7 years. Mirena is known to lessen periods to the point that it could completely go away.

My other option was a Paraguard. Paragard is also a type of IUD but it is copper and does not have any hormones. It works because it cuts off sperms access to your eggs. Periods tend to worsen with a Paraguard IUD.

My last choice was Skyla. Like Mirena, Skyla releases progestin into the body. Unlike Mirena it is only good for 3 years. As with Mirena, you might experience some changes in your period, including having no period at all but unlike Mirena, some women experience increased menstrual bleeding and discomfort.

*all of the IUD come with side effects such as ovarian cysts, acne, or breast tenderness, or have abdominal or pelvic pain, allergic reaction and a depressed mood that I encourage you to look upon your own*

Because of my already pre-existing cramps, I decided to go with Mirena. As I stated before IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child, this is due to the fact that the device is implanted in the uterus. If you’ve never had a child before your cervix is pretty much completely shut, there are instances of doctors not being able to insert the IUD because they cannot get the cervix open which is an extremely painful process.

I searched the deeps corners of the internet at 2am the day before my procedure and found all these horror stories of terrible pain and cramping for months at a time (you can look these up on your own but I don’t recommend it). I almost backed out. I asked my friends about their experiences because I figured people only went on the internet to tell the horrible ones, and the anxious person I am I just had to know if the procedure and the recovery was as bad as everyone was saying. This is what they had to say:

“Lmao no lie it was shitty afterwards I was spotting like brown stuff for legit 2 months and was crampy, I lived on aleeve. But now? Bitch. Whos a period? I DONT know her. Cramps? Mood swings? Can’t relate. It’s not bad it hurts a little but it’ll be over really quickly” (mirena)

“The insertion was rough honestly, make sure you have a ride back cuz I thought I could walk back from the health center but I couldnt, it feels like intense period cramping. Then for a while afterwards your body goes through trying to reject it since its a foreign object in your body. So your first period after getting it is going to be terrible Im not gonna lie, i deadass thought I needed an ambulance lol and you're gonna spot on and off for a while until the IUD makes a home in your uterus. I wont lie its rough for the first few months until your body gets used to it so be prepared but honestly its the best thing I did. I got the paraguard so its hormone free. I was on birth control pills for so long and i really didnt react well to the hormones. When it comes to contraception I can 100% say the IUD is your best bet. 7-10 years baby free, you can get it taken out whenever you want. Although I will say, your partners may feel the strings that hang from the IUD from certain angels, but its a minor inconvenience compared to a baby LOL” (paraguard)

“so this is actually funny because I’ve unfortunately had nothing but problems since i’ve gotten the IUD. i first got it in December 2015 and i had the worst cramps of my life for a few weeks after and my period of super long lasting like 2-3 weeks. then i went for my 3 month check up and found out my body was rejecting the IUD so i got another put in and it just got worse. i started having ridiculously heavy periods and there were blood clots coming out. i thought i had uterine fibroids or cysts so i went to get an ultrasound and it turns out my body is rejecting the IUD again so i’m getting it removed monday because i’m just not eligible for it, unfortunately, i’m so upset about it because i really wanted it to work and i have friends that love it and have no complaints and it’s just so convenient cause you literally never worry about being pregnant”

“DONT WORRY! getting an IUD was literally the best decision i’ve made. Tthe forums will totally freak you out. and it’s definitely painful, but it just feels like a really bad period cramp that lasts like 30 seconds. i had cramps for at most two weeks after. and they weren’t constant just occasional. and i had like blood spotting for a little more than a month. of course it’s different for everyone! the forums scared me too but i personally feel it was worth it and i’ve had it for a little over 6 months now.”

Admittedly, even though there was some horror mixed in, this felt REAL. So I decided to go to my appointment. If you asked me now, id say it was a quick process, two sharp burst of pain then you’re done. Im on day 3 and I only had cramps for the first half an hour after but I took a tylenol-codiene leftover from a previous surgery before hand and Ive been taking aleve ever since. But when I got out of the procedure heres what I texted my boyfriend: That was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. So first they had to measure and dilate my cervix and apparently my cervix is small and short so when they opened it i like yelled cuz that shit hurt and that was the first pain and there was blood so she couldn’t see so it took longer then they went to put it in and before it was like cramping then it ended. But when they put this other thing idk what it was I think it was a way for them to slide the IUD in? That hurt so bad I screamed and tears came to my eyes. She said that should be the worst of it because putting in the IUD shouldn’t hurt more because everything was in place so if I could handle that I could handle the IUD. Then she put it in… I screamed and that shit felt like cramping mixed with a fucking knife and there was bleeding so they had to apply pressure and that shit hurt. So like once they were done it was like a dull constant pain. I laid there for a second and then i got dressed. After i got dressed i started shaking and sweating and i fell on the floor and they had to put me in the chair and took my blood pressure and it spiked. Apparently I went into shock. Im in the car rn the codeine finally kicked in but I’m still nauseous and shaky.”

I can’t remember pain, but I dealt with it, the whole procedure was less than 5 minutes and within a half an hour I was feeling better. My vagina was swollen that night but today its fine. I honestly think it was worth it. If the healing process goes well I’ll be ecstatic. Its only day 3 so I don’t want to get ahead of myself but everyone said that this would be the worst time, for me it feels fine. It might be because Im on pain killers but I didnt expect to be this good. I have little to no pain, some spotting but thats to be expected this first month. Im already happy with my decision and I will keep you updated (obviously much shorter lol) on how the healing process is going! Lemme know if y’all have any questions!