#My thoughts and Feelings

[crazygingerwitch]

Honestly this is really big for me. I'm a current Mormon, and this encapsulates my feelings about church history so well.

The Mormon church has some of the most well documented religious discrimination in US history. I'm also one of the rare creatures who was not raised in Utah.

Being a history buff and a Weird Little GirlTM, means that I connected with the persecution of the church a lot. Part of this was being too weird for even other people in my congregation to like me. Another part was not knowing I was asexual, lol. Both of these wouldn't have been too bad, but then I was also one of ten people in my high school who was a member of my church, if I was lucky.

Thanks to things like the South show and that one musical, people thought they knew everything about me. As I've grown, that has changed. But I am still someone who struggles because I feel like I can't express my church feelings to non-church friends, and I'm not out to any of my church friends. It's tough.

I don't fully know what I'm saying here, but thank you for understanding a part of the religion so many people want to forget. There are bad things in our history. People have big emotions and make bad choices. I'm glad that your post made me feel seen and not just a caricature of one aspect of myself. Thank you.

EDIT: And another thought! I feel like even 20 years ago there was more of an identity around the beginnings of our religion and our roots. And we still emphasize that. But we talk about people's faith, and their strength. As a kid I felt like we talked about how awful some of the people were who did those things and were sad/angry about what happened.

Because of the media portrayal/the Americanization of our religion, we kind of just push that all down. We forget the hurt. We forget that pain and sacrifice is apart of our foundations. I am glad overall that people have more freedom to be happier and there is less weight on the sad, but I don't want us to forget it completely.

Would you mind sharing the psalm and why you felt that person was the most humanist Mormon? I'm not religious at all but I find these sort of things very interesting.

In exchange I could offer the reason for my url ?

I'm warning you, this is kind of a mega essay, and it's fucking unhinged. Click at your own risk.

(Alright. You clicked.)

Psalms 137

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept

when we remembered Zion.

There on the poplars

we hung our harps,

for there our captors asked us for songs,

our tormentors demanded songs of joy;

they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

How can we sing the songs of the Lord

while in a foreign land?

If I forget you, Jerusalem,

may my right hand forget its skill.

May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth

if I do not remember you,

if I do not consider Jerusalem

my highest joy.

Remember, Lord, what the Edomites did

on the day Jerusalem fell.

“Tear it down,” they cried,

“tear it down to its foundations!”

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,

happy is the one who repays you

according to what you have done to us.

Happy is the one who seizes your infants

and dashes them against the rocks.

———

Mormonism has layers. Different cores of believers, cultures within itself. The largest group of Mormons also dominate its image within the larger culture. You know them as the nerdy, cheerful, bubbly dorks on South Park, or the hopelessly naive childlike weirdos from the Book of Mormon musical. Strangely sanitized, "wholesome" people that are, clearly, unwhole. Missing some essential part of the human experience.

(Pain, maybe?)

I think that embracing this image is letting Mormonism view itself as what it wishes it was. A group with all its rough edges sanded off, all its raw and desperate humanity scrubbed away. A clean and godly and slightly unsettling image of joy.

That isn't how it started.

Now, most people know the story of Joseph Smith. Fourteen year old farm boy starts a cult because the whole world if full of idiots, I won't repeat it because you've probably already got it from South Park. But at some point that weirdo cult did become a religion, and I would point to that moment as the Mormon War of 1838.

I don't know how far after the founding that was. Enough that Joseph Smith was a grown man. Enough that the Mormons had around 15-25 thousand members. They'd moved to the Illinois-Missouri area and were establishing settlements.

(They creeped the locals out. Of course they creeped the locals out.)

Eventually, they got pushed out of the county they'd claimed. Jackson County, it was. The state couldn't actually take that county from the people that expelled them, so to try and make the Mormons "whole" for the land they'd bought (ignoring the houses and farms they'd already set up) it gave them a new county.

Next election that came around, that county was sieged. Voting was blocked. Now, the people of the state were terrified that this weirdo voting block was going to take them over. They probably weren't wrong. Some former Mormons had straggled in from the county revealing a frankly corrupt land dealthat the early church had used to transfer resources to itself, and that served as a tipping point. To prevent their state from becoming a religious basketcase, a mob sieged the Mormon county during the next election.

The state tried to return order by sending the militia in to break up the siege, but the militia mutinied. They joined the siegers. A ground of strange, extremist violent Mormons known as the Danites rode out and attacked local settlements that were known to house the families of the militia members.

The Governor at the time - Lilburn Boggs - sent out an executive decree. The Mormons were traitors, and were to be killed on sight. It is the only religion in the US to have ever had such an order made against it.

The Mormons surrendered their county and went to Nauvoo, Illinois. There were again expelled from that city in 1846, and traveled west.

They died in great numbers and they never forgot the homes they lost.

———

I tried to tell the story as sympathetically to the people of Missouri as I could. The Mormons made messes wherever they went, and they unsettled everyone they interacted with. But they were attacked as well, and had a history of violence against them. It should not be totally surprising that they became insular and strange.

Many (most?) Mormons that learn all of their history wind up leaving the religion. It has twists and turns and knots and it is incredibly, overwhelmingly human. I think that's where the facade of Mormon perfectionism comes from - the shame of that. The desire to be something else. But being human is all I've ever wanted. And occasionally, there are people faithful in the church - layers upon layers deep - that know their history.

And they are angry about it.

I think it's more common than people realize. Did you know that until 1930 Mormons swore literal religious oaths of vengeance against the US government for the deaths of Joseph and Hyrum Smith?

I always felt like these were, in some way, the real Mormons. They knew their history, and they loved their church, and they hated what it had suffered all those years ago.

They scared me, those people. But they seemed complete. More complete than the people that had carved out everything that didn't make them smile. They'd walked into the mirror, and touched their shadow, and danced with. Melded with it.

And I knew a few like that. I was taught by one. And he didn't convince me, but he interested me. Gave me some respect for the people I left behind.

———

In the game Fallout: New Vegas, there is a character named Joshua Graham. He's a Mormon. Not like the silly children in adult bodies that they always use on TV. He has gravitas. He has put away his moral compass before, to pursue the dream of one powerful man. Poured his soul into it, helped that man conquer the whole west in piecemeal. He's a somewhat on the nose analogy of the Mormon people themselves, following Joseph Smith. And when he finally failed, when he fought a battle he could not win on the gates of the Old World Hoover Dam, he was lit on fire and thrown into the Grand Canyon to die.

But he did not die.

He says he survived because the fire in him burned brighter than the fire around him. And it seems that way when you speak with him in game. There is something compellingly bright to him. Not shiny like a new toy, or a Utah teenager that hasn't seem just how grim the world can be. He's something blinding, compelling.

But that brightness casts shadows.

He is vicious. He was saved in the canyon by the family he left, the old Mormons of a new world. And he's trying to find that part of him again, regain the soul he lost pursuing someone else's vision. But that old vicious animal part of the covenant is with him. I see Joshua Graham and I see the animal that the Mormons became to survive the West.

And in the game, there is eventually a choice given.

You can lead the tribe Joshua has joined up with out of their Zion. Their Jackson County Missouri. Peacefully and perfectly and inhumnanly transcendant, the way the Mormons wish they actually were about everything. You can give him the chance to be what Mormonism has always wished it could be. Or you can fight with them and help them reclaim their paradise, but get your hands stuck deep in the muck of this world.

Joshua Graham knows his history. He knows all the homes his people lost. And whatever brightness he's trying to regain, whatever soul he's trying to win back from the world that takes and takes and takes and takes - he wants to give it all up again to let these people keep their home.

He knows his past and he is angry.

And as the player, you help him make peace with one of two things: Being human by being fallen, or keeping his soul at the cost of reliving the ancestral trauma of losing Zion yet again.

Both were pretty visceral decisions for a Mormon teenage Babylon to make.

(Tagging @boonebignaturals in this because I need a witness to my madness.)

[fromchaostocosmos]

To be honest I do not trust most people them because most of the people wearing them are not Palestinian themselves.

I find it to be hypocritical when I see all these leftists wear keffiyehs knowing that by doing so they are participating in cultural appropriation.

I also find myself scared because I do not know if I am safe because I know that to majority of those wearing it is not an article of clothing that is a way of expressing their culture, but rather it is a way that they can signify that they are not safe for Jews sorry not all Jews just the Bad Jews.

There is a very poignant quote in the article that really sums up my views and feelings pretty well:

“I don’t think a keffiyeh announces that its wearer wants Jews dead. At least the rational part of my brain doesn’t think this,” Phoebe Maltz Bovy, an editor at the Canadian Jewish News, wrote earlier this year. “That said, am I about to make social plans with someone who isn’t even Palestinian, whose reaction to this war is to buy a scarf in support of their preferred team? I think we all know the answer.”

To those who are not Palestinian and who wear it, they wear like they would merch for the sports team their in favor of. They treat it like a game and we, Jews and Palestinians, are just the players in it. They treat us like we are real people with real feelings, real communities, and real bodies that get hurt. And often do so as consequence of the actions and choices of these non-Palestinian keffiyeh wearers.

[spnrocks2005]

First original post cuz I have FEELINGS that I need to share

I keep thinking about Oliver's interview and what bugs me the most is that Buck could and should fuck as much as he wants. He's a gorgeous man - inside and out - discovering and exploring this newly uncovered side of himself and should be enjoying it!

However, Let Buck Fuck WITH TOMMY!! They'd already established that Buck and Tommy were open to matching each other's freak with that kitchen scene at the end of season 7. I think Tommy would've been more than happy to help Buck explore and experience anything he wanted to with enthusiasm and they could've discovered things that worked for them or didn't together.

To have things end so abruptly after there was so much thought and care put into developing not only their relationship but Tommy's connection with the rest 118 just feels so out of nowhere. This isn't a curveball, this isn't an "oh shit" moment, this isn't a " woah, I did not see that coming" moment - none of that. This feels like we had someone writing that scene who hadn't watched any of season 8 at all (hell, even just the previous episode) come in that had seen the toxic discourse in part of the buddie fandom and was like "fuck it, here ya go quit whining" and ended it. And that it was after Josh's performance that truly was the speech to end all speeches like Bryan said.

If this truly is the last we'll see of Tommy, I'm so disappointed in the show I've taken comfort in over the years. Lou put so much thought and care into his portrayal of Tommy and I could see his emotions blurring with Tommy's in those final moments. When reading his interview, I don't blame him for wanting to go back to SWAT and channeling the "six-year-old boy that just wants to run into walls and shoot things" cuz he deserves that after this hurt.

I will take comfort in all the fix it fics and hopefully get back to the fluff at some point. It's still a little too raw right now. Thank you to all the fic writers who are helping us heal 💔🫂💙

[peregrinec811549176103122]

I Think when I sleep at nite i see thingsThat I've done in my unproud past my Mistakes of my past I'd do again I mistake my connections my love my Shameful Feelings I Need to run from the things Ive Done that I never rememember or forget and i regret it as long as I leave But mine think of it each night when I look up I glance iup and I see it all And I gotta go

[truffle-chocolate]

I don't want my birthday to end...

On this day you feel that everyone loves you: a stranger on the street, a neighbor’s dog and a stray cat, your colleagues and classmates. They are all treated with more kindness and care than usual. Because they feel from you this sparkling, airy feeling of happiness that makes them smile in response to your smile

But this day is gradually ending. Your family, already tired after a whole day of turmoil, gradually stops reacting to you as someone very important and significant, as it was in the morning.

There is no longer that feeling of fun and joy as it was in childhood. When you were tired of this holiday, but equally continued to feel full of this bright and delicious feeling of warmth. It's as if you have your own kingdom, where everyone loves you and is happy to see you, simply because you exist

Now you stand in today. On your birthday. You feel the cold from people with tired smiles. You are adjusting your bright holiday outfit. Although inside you have long been curled up in a ball and crying into your knees, smearing your tears and snot on your cheeks, sniffling loudly and sobbing

You continue to laugh back with your glassy smile as you go to your room with a piece of birthday cake. And standing on the threshold, knowing that no one else will come in, this fun gradually begins to fall from you. You sit on the floor next to the bed, leaning your back and stretching your legs. You take the first bite of the whipped cream on the strawberry pie, hoping that, like when you were a child, it will fill you with a sweet sense of magic. You eat bite after bite, but that feeling of the moment never comes

You eat the cake, but it no longer seems the same as it was in childhood. Wrong cake. You are not correct. You look tiredly at the ceiling and think: “why am I disappointed if it was so fun? Why do I feel lonely if so many strangers congratulated me today? Why do I feel unwanted?"

It's simple. The little kingdom fell. Now you need to earn that love and warmth that was free in childhood. That's why I don't want my birthday to end. Because there are still these light piece that give crumbs of warmth

[two-sides-samecoin]

Ngl I would love the concept of ronance + Steve on the side (Robin herself literally wanted to become one person with Steve so no you cannot take Steve out of Robin’s life even when it comes to her romantic life) so much more if people admitted that Nancy is actually the third wheel of Steve and robin’s friendship or if people allowed this entire situation to be a fucking mess. Like somehow people paint it out as Robin feels no guilt for getting with her bestie’s ex and Steve is just in a corner cheering them on and Nancy doesn’t somehow feel conflicted about anything (which is ironic cuz Nancy is often conflicted about something) … they just feel like self inserts at this point and they don’t even feel like the characters that I love that are in canon. They just don’t feel human to me anymore which is the beauty of writing that the characters feel like real people. So it just seems like these are characters going along with the narrative and plot while having no depth

[saiyef]

My family and I had a cat named Misty. After having him for 1 year, he left home and didn’t come back. I made a side blog of all my videos and photos of him here.

On 28th December 2021, I woke up and went downstairs to the living room were kept hearing a high-pitched noise. I looked everywhere, even outside the house, for source of the noise; eventually I looked under the dining table and saw a kitten on one of the chairs mewling. My family bought a cat while I was asleep. A tabby cat with white-grey fur with black stripes and white fur on his paws and mouth. I fell in love with it instantly and left my fleece and scarf on the floor for him to smell and become familiar with my scent.

We named the cat Misty and thought it was a girl who was 10-weeks old at the time we bought him. It turns out we were given a boy who was 5-weeks old instead.

We let Misty out into out back garden where he would go over the fence into our neighbours’ gardens and explore. He usually did this every day before coming back either on his own or when we shook a bag of food, usually at around sundown or before it was about to rain. But, on 22 December 2022, we let him out at night and he never came back. My family and I searched for him, asking the neighbours whose gardens he roams into and putting up posters but we did not succeed. One of the neighbours supposed that because Misty was 1-years old and we didn’t fix him yet (I was thinking about whether we should but I didn’t bring it up to my family before then), he smelled a female cat and ran off to chase it. I kept hoping he’d come back but after months, I think it was safe to say Misty was gone.

My family has decided to get a new cat, which we’ll be getting next week. I think I’ll be happy to have a new cat but I’m also really sad because it feels like Misty is gone and the hope that he’ll come back will be gone with it. I just hope he’s still alive somewhere, either as someone else’s new pet thinking he was a stray or perhaps he turned feral and is living in the wild. Or, on a sadder note, consider that he might have been stolen, as I noticed a poster for a stolen reindeer while out so there were animals getting stolen around that time and someone kept tearing down our lost cat posters.

[grillcheesepoetry]

I got a tip recently about writing poetry, specifically with iambic parameters and, though that particular person was literally intolerable for the fact they got in my head and started mansplaining my ” “obvious insecurities” “ like who the hell?????

:/ anyway I didn’t think of it before, but writing out a blurb of thoughts, no matter what it is just getting everything down onto paper or notes, making sure to include a few key words and emotions as guidelines. Then, once you’re happy and satisfied and you’ve vented what you’re feeling going back over and highlighting phrases and words you like and putting them in an iambic parameter of your choosing. Works for haiku, diamanté, free verse, spoken word if you want, fuckin,, SONNETS!!! hell, your very own villainous monologue.

I know I’m basically preaching this to nobody but I’ll come back and look at this at some point when I feel like writing and probably re-apply this info, if I forget it which I probably will.

Usually when I write out something I’m proud of it’s literally spur of the moment like an alien beamed information into my head and I literally SCRAMBLE to get it into words the same way I thought it and that almost never turns out the way I want it to bc phrasing and rythem and formatting takes so much more thought and…etc etc… writing hard grrr 😡

[futuristic-koala]

[soul-from-another-era]

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[noodles-and-tea]

Our hextech dream….

[minimalist-quotes]

Don't make the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that you overlook the fact that you're being disrespected.

[echoesoftheinfinite]

[onefey]

you're going about your normal day when, suddenly, surprise! you've been pokémon mystery dungeon'd!

unfortunately, due to budget cuts, the pokémon assigning quiz has been canceled. instead, you must spin THE WHEEL, assigning you a random, unevolved, non-legendary and non-mythical pokémon. you must now go on some sort of world-saving adventure as this pokémon. good luck!

tell me in the tags what you rolled, and how you feel about it - for bonus points, you can spin the wheel again for (or just take your pick of) a pokémon to be your partner.

bonus rules:

you're not shiny unless the wheel tells you you're shiny

take your pick of regional forms and evolutions (for example, if you roll vulpix, it's up to you whether that means normal or alolan vulpix)

apply whatever logic you like with regards to gender

have fun and be yourself!

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[two-sides-samecoin]

Okay but now that I said that part about Steve and Dustin’s friendship: I’m so confused as to why Steve’s dating life ended up being a problem between the two of them. Because in season 3 Dustin wanted Steve to go out and find romance and have him be happy. Like it could make sense if it’s a ‘oh he still wants Steve to be happy but now things have changed’ or ‘oh he still thinks that Robin is good for Steve and he’s pissed that Steve isn’t with her cuz he doesn’t know that robin is a lesbian’. It could have perfectly worked out like that but instead canon literally doesn’t give us any sense of that at all. It’s just like a brief thing that happens in canon that Steve’s dating life is affecting their friendship but then it’s never brought up how exactly it’s affecting their friendship in any way