#Lesson learned I will not schedule things for the end of the month in the future LOL

[twistmusings]

Whew, sorry, Work got hectic at the end of the month! Following up on the raffle winner and polls now!

[slasherscream]

Crazy Ass Girls Gang ft. what type of yandere are they

warnings: yandere behavior - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Tiffany Valentine / clingy, obsessive, manipulative 

You'd better be damn sure you want to be with Tiffany before you ever bring up dating her because there is no escape once you've embarked on the exciting journey of being her romantic partner.

But if we're being honest you never really had a choice. You think you met organically? Became close by fate? No, Tiffany saw you and wanted you and decided to have you.

It was love at first sight on her part.

You'll be friends for a few months as she weaves the inescapable web around you. Best friends, actually. You'll tell her absolutely everything about yourself. Learn everything about her in turn. It's pure bliss to have a friend like Tiffany. Supportive, charming, affectionate.

You can tell she loves you more than anything. Loves you more than anyone else has ever loved you before, and she isn't afraid to show it.

You probably already had a partner when you met Tiffany. She was heartbroken when you first told her. The heartbreak didn't last long. Why cry over spilled milk? She wants to take it slow with you anyways, make sure that this time every aspect of the life you build together will be perfect.

She's come in too heavy before. You can't rush perfection, her mother always told her. For you, the lesson is finally worth learning.

Everything can be a tool. In the right hands. And Tiffany's hands? Why, they're incredibly skilled. She uses your soon-to-be-ex as a diving board for your upcoming relationship with her. Even if you'd been perfectly content with the relationship until you met Tiffany, suddenly everything is awful.

Tiffany points out every mistreatment. Every cancelled date. Every strange tone they used when talking to you. Every shitty, unoriginal gift. Every moment they weren't enthusiastic enough about good news you had to share.

It gets to the point where you can't even look at them half the time. You'll end dates with your partner early just to go spend more time with Tiffany: "What do you think they meant when they said that, Tiff?" / "I think they forgot who they were talking to, sweetheart! They're lucky I wasn't around or I would've cut out their tongue."

Tiffany has you so wrapped around her finger she's not even the one who suggests the break up. She was still going to wait a month or two before she began to truly push.

But when you show up at her doorstep in the middle of the night, holding flowers and her favorite takeout, rambling about how you've been so blind and it's always been Her...

Well, she has to smile as she pulls you in, savoring the last first kiss your lips will ever gift another soul.

She almost forgot how good she is at getting what she wants.

Jordan Li / protective, obsessive, lucid

You're so sweet. It was the first thought Jordan remembers having about you. The beginning of the end. They haven't been able to stop thinking about you since that one fatal moment.

Jordan has plenty of other things to think about. Things that should outclass you in importance easily. Their ranking, Brink's careful mentoring, their grades. They tell themselves that it all still matters more than you but they know they're lying to themselves.

It scares them a little, how much they actually think about you. Not a minute can go by without their thoughts drifting to you.

Did you eat today? / Your next class is in ten minutes, let me walk you, I've got the time. / You were running out of your favorite perfume. Got you a new bottle. / You look upset. Did someone fucking say something to you?

They can't help the way they hover around you during every spare moment they can find.

Jordan knows your schedule by heart to maximize the amount of time you can spend together. It's a balancing act they have to play with their brain for the simplest of tasks: you can spend the rest of the day with Y/N but you have to finish grading these essays first.

They can't function properly when they go too long without you. They swing on their sparring partners too hard. Stare at the clock during lectures instead of listening. They rip textbooks and snap pens by holding them too tight.

Sometimes they have to give up and call you. If they can't go and see you for whatever reason the sound of your voice makes it better. Hearing you talk, the sound of you breathing, laughing. It helps. Calms the buzz beneath Jordan's skin. They dial your contact, glaring into space as they wait for you to pick up. As soon as you do their body relaxes.

They recognize that their behavior isn't normal. Always needing to know where you are, who you're with. Feeling sick when they don't know.

You're like a drug for Jordan. They know you're an addiction, the way you've crawled under their skin. No high on earth compares, and Jordan has fucking compared them all. They pull you into their lap, as close as they can get you and it's never enough. Nothing is ever enough.

"Please don't fucking go anywhere, yeah?" Jordan will mumble into the skin of your neck. Their grip on you is too tight, face twisted at the desperation they feel. It's not pillow talk. They're begging. Genuinely. They'd do anything to keep you this close, always.

"Of course not, Jordie." You coo back. They close their eyes and pretend the words are enough. Nothing ever is.

Nancy Downs / delusional, possessive, obsessive

As soon as Nancy wants you there's no other option for you besides her. You can either choose to go along with it or you can fight it.

Fighting against her is like fighting against the tide, though. You can tread water for awhile. Keep your head afloat, sure. But eventually you'll get tired. Nature wins. Besides, fighting against Nancy becomes unpleasant fast. Being hers is so much nicer. She's gentler that way, kinder.

You're allowed to have friends, she doesn't isolate you completely.

It's just your old friends sucked. They didn't appreciate you. Didn't look out for you. Selfish users just like everyone else. Moths are always drawn to the light, and she'll kill every moth that strays a little too close to you, before it ever gets a chance to singe itself on your warmth. It's a mercy, really. Living a life in the darkness and having one brief moment in the sun is miserable. Nancy should know. It almost drives her crazy when you're not around. If you ever left she'd want to be put out of her misery too.

Her coven, though? They're perfect. Her coven is a family. And you were the last missing piece of it.

Anything about your old life, the life before her, can be viewed as a threat at a moment's notice. Family. Friends. Memories you speak of a little too fondly. Even a hobby could do it. She wants your focus to be her. It's only fair, her only focus is you.

Even when she's not around. Even when you're completely alone you swear you can feel her eyes on you. Her magic drifting against your skin as if she was sitting right beside you.

Nancy's intensity can be scary but she makes anyone else's love seem dull in comparison.

Who else could love you like she does? Who else would die for you? Nancy wouldn't even have to think about it first. All she asks in return is for you to do the same. Live for her. Dedicate every breathe in your lungs to her.

It's not so hard, she'll lead by example.

Jennifer Check / manipulative, possessive, clingy

She couldn't give a shit about anyone else but you. Somehow you managed to sneak your way into her heart and she can't let go of you. Won't let go of you. You're the only thing that's keeping that small, soft, human part of her alive. You dragged that bit of her back from the grave she put it in, actually. So it wouldn't be fair for you to try and leave, after you made her weak again. Human again.

Her world revolves around you. Her priorities are her next meal and you. Of course she gets pissed off if you don't reciprocate her energy. Look at her, how could you ever put anything above her?

Jennifer wants you to be everything to each other, though she won't say it out loud. It shows in her actions.

You belong to her. Every version of yourself that exists in the world should belong to her. The version of you that you are when you're someone's best friend. When you're someone's partner. It's all hers. She won't let anyone else take root in your life in a role that she can fill. She'll do a better job anyways.

The enormity of her ego and the way she clings might seem at odds. She thinks she's a God walking amongst fucking cattle. But she sticks to you like a second skin. A hand always at your waist. Her lips always chasing yours, whining when you don't give in fast enough, when you don't melt like she does. Her grip iron clad when you hold hands. If you pull away too soon from a hug, from a kiss, she bites, she holds on with claws.

She coos at the marks she leaves on your skin and kisses all the scratches and bruises she leaves better. / "I'm sorry baby, you know I hate letting you go."

Carrie White / idolizer, protective, selfless

Not in her wildest dreams did Carrie think anyone could be as kind as you. People are cruel. Their first instinct is to cause hurt before they'll ever reach out a hand to help, to shield, to love.

But you're not like that at all. You're something ripped straight from a fairy-tale. The rare ones that her Mother let her read, that weren't hiding devil worship between their poetic words.

You're so patient with her. So gentle. You treat her like glass. You hold her close, and kiss her soft, and cup her face in your hands that are always so warm.

You say you love her in a breathless way, every time. Like even expressing how much you care makes you dizzy. As if she overwhelms you. She feels dizzy herself as she hangs on your every honeyed word. Clings to you every time you reach out your hands to hold her.

Carrie doesn't know if she believes in God nowadays, but if she did you'd be an angel sent straight from heaven. A gift, maybe, to make up for all the years of torment she endured from everyone she'd ever known.

She'd think you were some kind of God yourself, if you had any sort of abilities like her. But you don't. You walk around doing what's right, being good down to the marrow of your very bones just because it's who you are. You greet the world with your fists raised and you're only human, and it scares Carrie so much.

You're the last decent person alive and you'll throw yourself onto any pyre you see if it means doing what's right. Carrie loves that about you. It terrifies her.

So Carrie throws herself into the ring with you. Your sweet, gentle Carrie who you're always trying to protect. But Carrie doesn't need your protection. She's not the helpless little girl she used to be. She won't let anything hurt either of you, from now on. For the rest of your lives you'll be safe, happy. Together. Carrie would burn the world to ash if it meant not a scratch would befall you.

"You're an angel, Y/N. The most wonderful angel God ever made."

Ginger Fitzgerald / possessive, impulsive, protective,

Sometimes Ginger wishes everyone else in the world would disappear, besides the two of you. They're a hindrance.

She feels insane when she watches you. She feels her claws come out and makes herself bleed as she fights against the instinct to rip out every tongue that speaks to you, and every pair of eyes that's ever looked into yours.

She shivers when you claim her. The only time she enjoys being around other people now is when you're introducing her: "This is Ginger, my girlfriend." "This is Ginger, my partner." "This is Ginger, my best friend." "This is Ginger, my everything."

She loves being yours. Relishes in the way you say the word mine. She wants to lick the words from your mouth, the weight of your total ownership over her sweet and poisonous.

She wonders if you get the same pleasure from belonging to her. She wants you to. She wants to carve her name into your skin with her claws and have you moan at the first sharp sting of the letter G.

It's primal, the way she wants you. Beyond anything humans have words for. She leaves her scent on your skin and wants to growl when you wash it away with artificial soaps and perfumes. She sucks bruises into every inch of you that anyone else could see.

She wants you to do the same. Wants to roll onto her back and expose her neck, and have you bite so hard you draw blood.

Ginger's wanting comes with teeth. What she is demands she sinks her teeth into things, that she draws blood. Even when she loves you. Because she loves you, maybe. She needs to leave a mark on you. She needs to always be there. She needs the same from you.

Needs you to leave scars on her that she can touch when you're not around. Proof that you were there. Proof that you're coming back. You don't carve your name into things and then abandon them. When you own things you keep them.

When you're gone the world goes dim and cold. She couldn't survive in a world without you. She wouldn't even attempt it. What would be the fucking point?

"We're a pair. We belong to each other. Always, yeah?"

[3uthym1c]

𓆩⚝𓆪 ☒ 𝐏𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐀 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐝! 𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘍𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳

𓏲 ๋࣭     ࣪ ˖    ⋆ ࣪.     ˖ ࣪⭑  ˖ ࣪ ٬     ุ๋ ⸱    ִֶָ . ָ࣪   ˑ ֗⭑  ˖ ࣪ ٬     ุ๋ ⸱    ִֶָ . ָ࣪   ˑ ֗ ˖    ⋆ ࣪.     ˖ ࣪⭑      ࣪ ˖    ⋆ ࣪. ⸱    ִֶָ . ָ࣪  

Ꮺ Read before getting into your group please! THERE IS A MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE AT THE END!!!

Hey y'all, it's me and I'm back. I told y'all I don't have a PAC uploading schedule 😭. I honestly just do it whenever I feel that I have the energy and then recharge. Perhaps when I'm in my "tarot reading hibernation" I'll take free requests so stay tuned (I'll have to figure out rules for requests first 😭).

Remember that you can pick more than one and to choose what resonates and STAY HYDRATED!!! I've never done a love reading before so feedback would be very appreciated.

⋆｡° ✮ ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴏɴᴇ

For physical features I see that they have brown hair (light or dark brown). For some, your partner might have dreads, locs, or very intricate braids. Their skin may be brown or tanned (or tan easily). They have such an infectious and bright smile, it's like their whole face lights up and it's so beautiful to everyone seeing it. They're muscular, but in skinny way? I don't know how to explain it. Kind of like runners? As for their clothes or clothing style, they might wear either all black or white with a few pops of color. Like an example would be a dark t-shirt with a bright red collar thing and a necklace with a big yellow crystal.

They carry so so so much enthusiasm. Right off the bat they just bring a light very few can bring. They bring so much to people just by existing. inspiration, hope, enlightenment even? They don't even have to be extroverted they just have and give so much energy. They have so many silly little thoughts they share every now and then that seem to come out of nowhere. Their biggest character strength is gratitude. They feel so thankful for everything and everyone and they'll let you know. Oh my god pile 1 you're so lucky this person is so in love with life and will make you in love with life even more than you currently do. They will make you love being human the and feeling and tasting and dancing and experiencing that come with it. It'll have you seeing beauty in the everyday things.

Right now they're going through some really intense spiritual transformation. They need to learn to ask for help when they need it. They'll do well though. They'll find a lot of things could've been solved by just asking for help. Both you and them are at the beginning of your journeys (that doesn't mean your journey is long though), so if you guys think things are already good then I'm thinking of the phrase "universe, show me how good it can get". They're such a good cook & baker by the way. They have a lot of earth and fire placements. Extremely romantic in both the loveydovey type and the artsy sense.

When you come into their life it's very much random and unexpected. My sister just unexpectedly found an item that cleans her flute so I'll take it as a sign that you guys meet at a music / dance event or concert. Perhaps in the same class taking music lessons. Also random message: this meeting is just unavoidable, no matter what you do they'll find their way to you so don't worry. Even if you guys meet, have a conversation, and leave, you guys will keep bumping into each other. Months into your relationship, both of you will look back at this meeting as something purely magical. If they don't believe in fate or magic or some higher power, this will change their mind.

I'm also hearing, "It's so beautiful how deeply you feel." You may have been looked down on for being "overly sensitive" and "caring too much" but they very much appreciate it. Also hearing "Whatever you say, beautiful." like if you told them to do something crazy they wouldn't even question it. Literally remembered this image:

🍈 ☒ Key Words / Items / Etc: The Chariot (representing them), Ruby, the word "baroque", Soprano, Clownfish, Horses, Bells, Lemons, roses, letter S.

⋆｡° ✮ ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ

Straight dark brown or black hair, they like wearing more simple outfits most of the time with neutral colors but there will be days where they're like "screw it I'm going to dress all fancy just to go to the library". Often carries a backpack or suitcase or purse everywhere. Worst case of RBF (resting bitch face) ever, but their face is so gentle and pretty too. Maybe wears black glasses (maybe prescription maybe not). A little random but you might find that they look so hot when they're focused? Really nice hands, they might like to wear rings or gloves. Would probably let you paint their nails.

But when you get to know them they're actually goofy and sometimes they don't even know it. "Apartment complex? I find it quite simple actually." vibes. I think a lot of people don't like how confident they look and say stuff like "They think they're better than us." when they never even act like that. Warning they have so many haters and it isn't because they even did or said anything, people see them and their confident energy and assume so so SO much about them. They don't know that though, because to them it seems like they hate your S/O for no reason and they're so confused. In reality they're so soft and kind hearted.

Random thing - they might really like penguins? They have ungodly amounts of patience for everything and everyone it's mind boggling. They're either interested or uninterested in things, so if they're interested they will put their heart and soul into whatever it is. You can see it so well in their work and career, whatever it may be. Embodiment of the word "Meraki". Btw your S/O doesn't want me to "spoil any surprises" take it as you wish.

EDIT: Holy shit there was whole entire paragraph about what I'd guess is the "surprise" that somehow didn't end up in the reading when I copy / pasted it from Notion to tumblr?????

Going to add more to this, it seems that your partner is super shy and a little awkward if that makes sense? Like, if you ever have done readings about specific people, while you may not HEAR their voice, you can kind of feel the vibes of them talking? They kind of remind me of the smell after the rain (which if you're curious, no it was not raining at the time of me doing this reading).

🍈 ☒ Key Words / Items / Etc: Meraki (obviously), Cats, purple & blue, the letter R, birds visiting your backyard often, 777,

⋆｡° ✮ ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

Instead of starting with physical appearance I think I want to start off with what they're like. Right off the bat their energy is very easy to tap into (in a good way). In fact, after I was done with pile two, I kept on getting intuitive messages for two whole days on what they're like. This whole entire pile I didn't even have to draw a single card. at all. They're extremely talkative, and I wouldn't be surprised if you constantly recieved messages and signs from them. I'd imagine it would be like recieving a loud notification on your phone because honestly whatever chance they get, their higher self constantly is there checking in on you.

They have an incredible sense of humor first of all. They will never fail to make you laugh. I hope this makes sense, but they're almost like a walking four leaf clover or lucky charm. Wherever they go they just bring good luck to themselves and people around them. Perhaps their very existence is a miracle. Their birthday may be in May. This is going to sound weird and no shade to your S/O but they're the type of person you wouldn't expect to be so smart. Usually people think of smart people as like, these serious nerdy looking people, but this person is genuinely so so smart and good at talking to others.

I bet how you guys will meet is that you'll be struggling with something and they'll walk into your life and help you. They have the sort of magic of a teacher that can explain the hardest topics so easily. One of their weaknesses is that they're a little too afraid to ask help for themselves. This person isn't JUST good boy/girl/joyfriend material, but also a great spouse.

Wouldn't be surprised if they have light hair or are ginger. If they have dark hair it's probably dyed. Their hair is so fluffy and if it's long it's very nice to just run your hand in. A very comfortable style, I could imagine that they sometimes wear soft pastel colors (Blue, green, orange mostly) or neon. Hoodlies, loose clothing, handmade clothes.

🍈 ☒ Key Words / Items / Etc: Four leaf clovers, 444, cats with different colored eyes (kinda specific), spiders, random light colored yarm / wool.

⋆｡° ✮ ᴘɪʟᴇ ꜰᴏᴜʀ

Your partner is probably much taller than you. They probably have silver jewelry and long hair. They put in a LOT of effort into how they look, they always look so fashionable. They also take great care of their body too. I don't think it's to the point where they're vain though, they just take care of themselves and like dressing cool. They may have blue, green, or grey eyes.

First of all, this may come to a shock to you but your partner is very spiritual. When you meet them they'll probably have already spent years learning about and practicing their spirituality. Everyone that meets them thinks that they're mentally just wise beyond their years, and I don't mean when it comes to academics (though that might be the case). There's just something about them that makes them feel like they've been on this earth for a long long time and have witnessed many things and met many people.

They may actually be a historian, anthropologist, archivist, librarian, psychologist, or sociologist. Okay I've just been having this stuck in my head while doing this reading but I'm imagining like, a rock or statue with moss growing on it. Also I'm feeling strangely calm and warm right now. I don't know if "calm" would even describe it, it's like complete serenity.

When you meet them it might be in somewhere incredibly crowded, but it'll feel like it's just the two of you. You could maybe meet them through a friend and have a nice long night drive talking to each other. They genuinely love you. I mean obviously this is a future partner reading so of course they would, but this love runs so deep. There's not any way that I can get you to fully understand the depths of this love, so you'll just have to wait and see!

They're the type of person that makes people comfortable enough to be themselves without worrying about judgement, mostly because to be honest this person is seen as "weird" themselves. You make them love humanity, is another message I'm getting.

Also a note that I didn't even pull cards for this, it was all intuitive so usually I take it as a sign this person's energy / presence is strong and you probably receive messages and signs from their higher self a lot. Or maybe their 3d human self consciously sends positive energy your way, a sign of this is randomly feeling warm and cozy and calm for no reason. P.S. they probably think about you as much as you think about them.

ALSO!!!! PILE 4 don't stop reading it yet there's a message I got for you guys but I feel called to put it at the end separately for all of the piles!

🍈 ☒ Key Words / Items / Etc: 888, blueberry, lights that flicker for no reason, or maybe dreams where you see some sort of light floating around, rainbows, bees, Magician card, the word "arbiter"

𝕄𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝔼𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐 ℙ𝕀𝕃𝔼!!!

I know someone (not all of you) is thinking "Nahh this sounds too good to be true", well 1. that's the magic of soul connections and love & 2. Please stop lowering your standards because it's "unrealistic" because I swear you're not asking for much from a person. You deserve something "too good to be true" bestie (And also, remember, YOU are a dream come true for them too 😭).

"Why me what's so special about me 🫤 " on god you're the type of person who asks for signs from your spirit guides and then ignores them like they're tiiiireeedddd. Real talk though, you don't know how beautiful you are to a strangers eyes because you grow accustomed to your face. You don't know how smart and amazing you are (and yes knowing a lot about a random show or book or random subject counts as being smart shhh).

You are so perfectly human you just DON'T KNOWWW. I

f you think like this (or even if you don't because we should all do this), I'm giving you homework. Make a list of everything you are grateful for yourself for doing / being, what topics and interests you have, your favorite fashion style, achievements, color, animal, your favorite song, things you have around the house that you like and why, etc.

YOU ARE AN INTERESTING PERSON!!!! If you have a good relationship with your parents / guardians or grandparents or aunts or siblings, ask them what they love about you. Get to know yourself!!! A lot of things are cool and special about you!!!!!!!!!

-Eiki

[charmercharm3r]

Make Love, Not Porn

Play Time!

HHJ

Masterlist, Series Masterlist

18+ content — minors, do not interact.

wc: 3.8k

Synopsis: You crave a life of normalcy, he craves you. And he'd do anything to keep you, even if you're for the world to see.

warnings: barista!hyunjin x cam girl!reader, smut, explicit sexual content, masturbation (m, f), he's a little obsessed, easing into the smuttier smut if that's even a thing.

Live : Play Time!

Next Scheduled Broadcast : Heat Signature

☆ﾟ

Rule number one; everybody is temporary.

There is no love in this industry, no trust, no friends, only coworkers that all want the same thing. Sometimes you work with them more than once, other times– most times, it’s a one-and-done deal.

They never want to stay anyways, you learned that lesson the hard way. It’s why you set up such a tough wall to break through, there’s no point in befriending anyone on your side of the pond.

It’s scary, really, how quickly you can be moaning someone’s name, kissing them like you need them to breathe, touching and feeling them as intimately as someone who truly was in love. Then as soon as the livestream ends, you can’t remember what their lips feel like and everything smells like latex and sweat. You offer them some water, snacks, a shower. They usually decline. Minutes later, your front door is shutting and you’re alone once again.

No one ever intends on getting into porn, you don’t even remember the details on how you ended up here. Your follower count had risen overnight and before you knew it, that one video had gotten you more money in a week than a month’s worth of minimum wage ever did. The humiliation was nonexistent considering you hadn’t even posted yourself naked that first time, if anything you were excited to post again. Who knew a video of you just sitting in a chair, playing with yourself under your skirt with your knees pressed closed would take off so rapidly. That thirty second video changed your life.

– fuck, who is this?? are they new??

– thats so hot. face reveal?

– show us your tits

– god i wanna fuck u so bad

– suck my dick pls

Those comments didn’t bother you, it was a little flattering if you were being honest with yourself. People wanted you, they don’t even know your real name, have never seen your face or what you look like in the sunlight. They don’t know you and yet, you’re everything to them, so much so that they pay you for your time, and body. They fill your wallet just for you to read their comment out loud, attention whores for you. And you love it. For some reason, their praise is much more fulfilling than anyone you've guested on your livestreams.

Recently, though, you’ve stopped bringing people on, not much to your viewer’s disapproval. There was more interaction and less vulgarity, like they wanted you to actually speak to them rather than just stuff your pussy with whatever new dildo you’d been gifted in your PO box.

You hadn’t planned on having such a personal stream today, you honestly just wanted the relief and thought your viewers would have a good time. But for some reason, the comments were less about getting you to take your clothes off and more about why your voice was shaking.

“It’s okay, I’m okay. Really!” Even you could hear the subtle octave change. “If you wanted me to cry, you could’ve just said please. You know I’ll do anything for you.” 

Perhaps the forced sultriness of your voice worked its charm, the comments quickly switched back to their normal obscenities once you started to unbutton your top. Truthfully, you preferred when they asked you to get naked, it was a lot easier to do than to admit what it was you were really lacking. Honest companionship is the rarest thing.

Rule number two: no identifying features.

Even if you weren’t ashamed, your job is still taboo. No one and everyone knew what it was you did. Your best friend helped you pick lingerie and background mood lighting, your parents thought you were an office worker. Strangers have seen your most private parts, you only allow your grandma to give you a kiss on the cheek during Christmas. Safe to say your occupation was strictly need-to-know.

You’re glad you started live streaming before deciding to get any tattoos, running the risk of someone stopping you in the middle of the street was the most terrifying thing you could imagine happening. Naturally, you avoided getting anything at all once your streams started to really take off.

There was nothing you wore to accessorize unless a patron paid for it in advance, that was always done a week before streams and the contact with the patron was never more than a simple google form and an email from your business account to confirm. Other than that, you were a blank canvas, just a body with a voice that left more to the imagination than you would think. If your viewers were happy, you were happy.

“What do you think of my new nail color? A special someone picked it out for me,” you held out your hands to display the pretty shine, twiddling your fingers. The comments went crazy, “no, no, not anyone like that, c’mon! You know you’re my number one. But I think you should all give lovely user callingherdaddy a thank you for picking it out. Thank you, sir.”

You took the polish off the next morning.

Rule number three: be consistent.

Nothing kills a steady income more than ghosting the ones that put the money in your pocket. You stuck to a strict schedule of three streams every week and frequent posts on your socials. The stuff you posted on your social media wasn’t even related to your work on camming, but it doesn’t hurt when they leave a couple nice comments. 

With a schedule and job like yours, you need a little bit of normalcy. Self employed, you don’t have a real routine when you aren’t streaming. It was starting to make you feel lazy, a bit lethargic, and overall unmotivated.

It wasn’t until recently did you decide to start doing normal people things, like waking up at 7 a.m., doing a mini work out, grocery shopping in the morning, even getting yourself a coffee from the shop near your house as a treat. Doing this was nice, you felt good, your head was clearer. Hell, you even got excited when it came time to do your cams because you felt so full of energy.

You had only been to the coffee shop once or twice before, but to get yourself to keep the routine, you told yourself you’d go every day for the next two weeks. Afterall, it only takes 21 days to form a habit.

It was packed, as usual for a morning weekday. There were only about six baristas working, all scurrying about the bar to get through the morning rush. You liked watching them, mindlessly completing drinks in such a way that made you a little jealous. Most of them seemed your age, obviously you knew that they couldn’t have all had perfect lives, but at least this part of their day was something they could openly complain about.

Were you really jealous? Of normal people? You had to be insane.

Shaking your head, you walked further into the shop and waited in line. You thought nothing of it, placing your order, “iced chai with three blonde shots, please,” and handed the barista the card, “thank you.”

You barely looked up at him, only when he held onto your card a little longer as you tried to take it back did you make eye contact. A little awkward, the barista was staring at you with wide eyes. He was handsome, too handsome to be working behind the counter. Long black hair framed his face nicely, pretty plump lips, and an endearing little mole under his eye that made his siren stare only slightly less intimidating. Yeah, handsome.

He didn’t look away even after he let you take your card back.

“S– sorry. You look like–”

“It’s okay. Thanks again.” You hurried away as fast as you could. He couldn’t have known who you were, right? Not a chance, you have never shown your face. You were wearing too many clothes for any particular body part to be recognizable. It’s just a coincidence.

Either way, the minor interaction with the barista scared you into hiding again, forgetting going out for anything else you had planned and deciding to hole away at home.

You had a livestream to do later anyways, focus on that. There were a few hours left for you to kill before turning on the camera, now would be as good a time as any to set up.

It wasn’t much that you did, mostly just thinking of what it was you thought viewers would like to see for the day. An hour before the scheduled stream, you set up a waiting room on the website that hinted at what the day’s theme would be. Today you thought you’d go a little easy on the eyes; “live soon, hardcandysweetheart: play time! <3”

A typical stream would start off soft, greeting viewers like any other meeting. You’d ask how their day was, if there was anything in particular they wanted to do or talk about, some answered genuinely while others urged you to strip. You liked the ones that asked you how your day was, too, and enjoyed sharing your thoughts with them. Though, it was no secret what everyone was here for, even if sometimes– just sometimes, you liked what came before taking off your clothes more than anything.

“I have a few things in mind for play time today, I’d like to hear what you guys think. Would you prefer this,” in your hand, you held up your favorite vibrator, big and baby pink. “Or this?” in the other, a new grinder that resembled the shape of a tentacle with the sucker-side up.

Comment section didn’t slow down as soon as you showed the second toy. “I thought you might like this one. I got it just for you! I’m excited to try it out with you.”

– im so fucking hard

– i wanna see ur pussy

– thats so nice, ur sweet

“Slow down! Haha, we’re gonna take our time,” you laughed away the weird feeling in your chest as you read the fleeing comments. “You’re so impatient today, lovely. Did you have a hard day? I know I did,” you slowly peeled down the blouse you wore, letting it hang off your shoulders to expose your bare shoulders. It seemed redundant to wear a bra, but you kept the shirt covering your breasts for dramatic effect, hard nipples peaking through.

“I just wanna take it a little more… gentler, if that’s alright.” The camera was angled to cut off at your neck to avoid showing your face, but you bit your lip anyways as you held up the grinder. “It’s a little out of my comfort zone, honestly. I’ve never told you about this fantasy before.” You ran your finger down the rubber center, feeling the many little suction cups bend.

You giggled as you came to the swirled tip of the tentacle, playing with the way it curled and how pliable it was. “When I ordered this, they let me choose the color. I think pink suits me, don’t you? But I also thought, maybe blue? Or black… but then it would be too hard for you to see, right?”

As you spoke, you laid the grinder between your legs but not quite touching it. With two fingers, you stroked it the same way you would your own pussy. Your other free hand was doing just that right behind the toy and beneath the length of your shirt, feeling your wetness building up with your hand down your panties. “Oh my, just talking to you– my underwear is soaked!” The giggle that left your lips was genuine, you didn’t expect to work yourself up so quickly.

You stole your fingers from your cunt and showed it to the camera, spreading them to let your viewers see the slick coating shine in the soft lighting. “Heh, told ya I was excited. You make me like this.”

When you started to really get going it was hard to pay attention to the comments, you tended to get a little lost until you finally came. Like now, you brought the toy closer to your core, lightly lifting yourself to sit on it. As soon as you did, you let out a whimper.

Hyunjin had never felt so embarrassed in his life. He doesn’t even know why, he couldn’t have been sure of anything.

Except he was. He was 100% sure, plus another 10% for good measure. He hadn’t even known about the site for long, you were just his favorite. He’d found hardcandysweetheart and never bothered to look anywhere else.

You were just another customer at first, a pretty one that caught his attention. He noticed you in line and had every intention of flirting and possibly asking for you to sign up for the rewards program with them just so he could use that as an excuse to get your number. Then you spoke.

All you fucking did was speak. “Please,” and “thank you,” and Hyunjin fucking crumbled.

Jesus, he must have looked like an idiot. He knows he did, but he was star struck. Fanboying, red in the face with embarrassment, about to fold at the knees, and hard as a fucking rock all at the same time. He had to excuse himself to the restroom as soon as you left just to get his boner to go away.

If it really was you– and he hoped to god it wasn’t– he’ll never forget such a pretty face.

Which is why he turned on notifications for your stream. He knew your schedule by heart but he needed to be sure that it was your voice he heard. As soon as he got home from his shift, clothes came off and he was sat in bed with his laptop nearby, just waiting for the ping notification from you.

God, it was you. As soon as he heard you through his headphones, it confirmed what he already knew.

What a kind voice, supple, soft, he could listen to you for hours– he has listened to you for hours. Sometimes he wished you could do live streams of just you talking, you never even had to take your clothes off. Now that he knew what you looked like, Hyunjin’s heartbeat faster than it ever did when you made conversation.

It was the way you did, as though you were speaking to him and only him. The image he created of you in his head looked like it was thought up by a child in comparison to seeing you in real life. He could put a face to the voice now, he wasn’t even thinking about your body. Just your voice.

“You make me like this,” you said in almost a whisper, tone cracking just a little the more you sat on the toy.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but palm at himself, not entirely stroking but moving at the same pace. This was a team effort, in his mind. You made him crazy, as he did to you. That was his fantasy. You always spoke with so much love in your voice, as though you truly cared for him and it got him harder than any other kind of porn ever could.

Was that really all it took? Was he that pathetic? Someone who didn’t even know who he was, talking to an ocean of people that all saw the same thing he did, and suddenly it’s the only thing that can make him cum.

He can’t even complain now, he’s seen you. That’s enough spank bank to last him a lifetime if you ever suddenly decided to stop camming. Shit– he hopes he didn’t just manifest that into existence.

The white button up top draped in front of your cunt to hide away from view. That’s alright, you said you were taking it slow today. Your hips slowly pushed forward and back, hands gripping tightly at the armrests of your uncomfortable looking desk chair. Hyunjin thought it was kind of cute how you would still cam in the same seat as you did when he found your first video. 

His laptop on his abdomen concealed the view of his cock leaking, but the way you were sat on screen, he could envision it was him you were sitting on instead. That’s exactly what he imagined as you rocked faster into the toy, lifting your shirt and balling it in your fist to show that your wetness had spread to the front of your panties. Hyunjin didn’t even mind that the bold pink tentacle blocking a bit of the view, you were getting so into it that he hardly noticed anymore.

Hyunjin fumbled to find his dick, slowly beginning to squeeze the head as you turned to shorter and quicker ruts towards the front of the toy where the tentacle curled up. You moaned loudly, making him do so as well in return. “Fuck, I ruined this pair, didn’t I?”

Your cute laugh had Hyunjin breaking out into a smirk, “that’s okay,” he whispered to no one but himself.

“I should take it off but,” you rolled your hips again with a whine, “I kinda want you to work for it.”

The tips in the corner of the page were pinging like crazy as soon as you said that. He himself tapped the button rapidly and paid no mind to how his account balance shot down.

“C’mon now, don’t be shy. It’s just one little word that I wanna hear. I’ll say it first, if that makes you feel better.” The speed of your hips picked up a little, in turn Hyunjin let his fist slowly work up and down, no faster than you, of course.

“Please. Please, is the word I’m looking for, lovely. Say it, just once.”

Fuck, he couldn’t help speeding up just a little. He loved the way you said it, even more the way you commanded him to say it as well. “Please,” the whimper came out breathy and uneven as the precum lubricated his cock more.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Hyunjin shook his head, no. 

“No, it wasn’t. Look what happens when you ask nicely,” you stood from your seat just to pull off the flimsy fabric, sitting fully back down on the toy and holding up the soaked pair with another chuckle. “You get nice things.”

Hyunjin could hear how wet you really were now, every lewd sound that came from you rubbing yourself back and forth on the grinder. You still didn’t let him– them– see you fully. He wasn’t even sure if you’d expose yourself at all this stream. Still, his fist picked up speed as you did, taking in every grunt you let out when you’d hit a particularly good spot. Hyunjin kept his eyes on you the whole time, memorizing the way you moved, what angle made you tick.

“C’mon lovely, I know you can do better than that.”

You were referring to the tip counter, but Hyunjin took it as he can do better than that. His other hand reached around the laptop, down to cup his balls as he worked his cock faster, occasionally running his fingers over the head for a break in stimulation. Somehow he managed to stop touching himself for a split second to rapid fire extra tips when they slowed down.

“Oh, someone wants a little extra attention today. What do I call you, lovely?” Hyunjin wasn’t sure if you were speaking to him, though he hoped and typed a nickname anyways. “Baby? That’s cute. Thank you, baby, you’re so sweet.”

His hand instantly returned to his dick, not caring about the speed anymore, instead wanting to cum to the sound of your voice. He quickly tapped the tip button a few more times and you giggled, “baby, you’re spoiling me. Here, since you’re being so nice,” you lifted the hem of your shirt to put your bare cunt on display, seemingly tucking the end of it into your mouth.

Hyunjin could see it so clearly, your pretty lips drooling onto the fabric, biting it to contain the moans that wanted to slip past. Fuck, he was going insane, wet, slick noises from his animalistic fisting on his cock almost surpassing the volume of your voice in his headphones. 

He just watched now, listened intently to how good you were making yourself feel and it made his body light a fire. You were clearly getting closer as well, forgetting the dirty talk and humping away at the toy with little to no regard for who was watching. Hyunjin loved this side of you the most, when you couldn’t think of anything other than the impending pleasure. He could imagine your eyes rolling back, the furrow in your brow and beads of sweat dripping down your temples as you came nearer to falling over the edge. Your hands moved to grip the edge of the seat, aiding in pushing your body forward and back harder against the grinder and Hyunjin was jerking himself with a hotter fervor. Your muffled cries echoed in his head– he was making you feel like this, he was the one you were using to please yourself, he was the one you thought of as you came all over his cock.

Hyunjin suddenly held his breath and let his release take over his body, squeezing and pumping the tip of his cock as he spurt his seed all over his stomach and back of his computer. By the time he’d come to, opened his eyes, and regained his breath, you were slumped back in your chair and panting heavily. He missed your grand finale, but that was okay with him, you came at the same time. Even in post nut clarity, he wanted to hear your voice. More than that, he wanted to hold you, run his fingers through your hair, kiss you until you were breathless all over again.

Hyunjin’s shaky hand found the tip button again and tapped.

“Thank you, baby.” He smiled.

You groaned and found the strength to steal the toy from your aching cunt, holding it up for the camera to see it glistening with your essence. Laughing, “this was fun, wasn’t it? I enjoyed myself, I might have to buy more of these.” You tossed it onto the desk and suddenly seemed shy, tugging your shirt as far down as you could without exposing more skin. “Until next time, lovely. I’ll miss you.” You waved your dainty fingers at the camera, doing your signature sign off, and the screen went black.

Hyunjin’s head fell back into his pillows, staring at the ceiling trying to understand all the emotions he just rushed through. 

He couldn’t compute them even if he tried. All he knew was that he was excited to go to work tomorrow morning, hoping that whatever god heard his plea, begging that you’ll come in.

When he went to shut his laptop, his fingers smeared the warm mess that was slowly dripping. “Fuck— ew,” and he hurried to clean up, alone once again.

☆ﾟ

tags: @sensitiveandhungry @babebatter @changbinluvr @epiphanynaffit @fawnpeaks @linovely @dumplinbokkieracha @finnydraws @naturules @djeniryuu @hamburgers101 @skzhomiehopper @yesv01 @hyunjinsamdl @dazzlingligth @alexis-reads-fics @linaliskz @0002linoskitten @chillichillicrabcrab23 @zerefdragn33l @straycrescent @binnies-donuts @soldierstangirl-blog @bakedlilgoonie @levanterlily @shelbyyy44 @yeetmehome @in2heartz @astroodledream @the-sweetest-rose @goblinracha @lilbugs-things @viviennenstan @staurdvst @alex--awesome--22 @imzenning @jeyelleohe @iadorethemskz @skyvastbunny @mamabymychem @katsukis1wife @woozarts @noellllslut

[kelseytheballerina]

a while back my brother asked me what was the biggest thing I’ve learned from motherhood and I told him it was how to give up control and just let things flow. if you have been following me probably anytime before baby, it’s not really a secret that I had a tendency towards being a workaholic and perfectionist, which has many benefits but also pitfalls. rigid routines, an unforgiving nature, a need for control and mastery. as I neared the end of my third trimester this intense feeling of uncertainty was overtaking me and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the fact that I didn’t know when my baby would be born. would it be on the expected date or 2 days earlier or 4 days later? would it be at 5am or 5pm? as someone who lived by a schedule, it was rough to not be able to make solid plans and to live in limbo. soooo I had a big brain moment and decided to schedule an induction. now *I* get to decide when baby comes. *I* pick the day, *I* pick the time, I can once again gain a sense of control. my doctor approved the induction for 3 weeks from that day and I happily left my appointment feeling satisfied. the next day…..baby decided to come early. her time, not mine. gods time, not mine. the universes time, not mine. 3 weeks earlier than expected. naturally I was completely frazzled and felt unprepared thinking I had plenty of time to finish the details for getting my hospital bag together, I still had packages that were shipping, I was not in control and it made me so frustrated that I wanted to cry. I had never not been in control like that before.

and it was freeing.

everything went super incredibly mega ultra well and the obviously the world didn’t end. I was forced to sit back and let things unfold in their own natural timing and it was a big lesson for me that I didn’t want to forget. so I kept at it. I didn’t set an alarm for like 6 or 7 months, giving up my former 5am routine and actually woke up at like 11am for a month straight (wouldn’t recommend that actually lol). I go with the flow and simply relax now, just embracing the big picture of life itself rather than hammering in the fine details. there’s nothing stiff or rigid about my life anymore. I focus more on if I’m enjoying myself and having a good time rather than forcing tasks to completion. I’ve learned the art of “I don’t feel like it” and how to use it in a balanced way without being too lazy or too irresponsible. I’m really grateful that I spent my most formative years learning how to stick to the plan no matter what adversity comes my way and always find a way to get things done through sheer discipline alone. that has been a huge blessing to my life and it’s set me up for so much success. but now I’m grateful to learn how to break those rules too. I think I’m evolving into a more well rounded person because of it :)

[hyperactively-me]

ask from @redzscare

(king!ghost x princess!reader au) -- anger

i just wanna say oh my god, thank you for your inbox message with those two amazing and well thought out ideas!!!! i would also love to know your other ideas if you still have any :) and i know its been over a month since you requested, but i wanted to do your ideas justice! i decided to split them up into two separate pieces so that it can flow better in the story, but i have your first request in my "to be written" notes, and it will be posted in the future!!!! i hope you like it! the angst is immaculate and heart-wrenching. anyway, here is #2!!!

word count: ~3.6k

warnings: fighting/yelling, angst lots of angst/hurt (like A LOT, A TON, he's so mean, you've been warned), hurt/comfort, happy ending!!!

The past few weeks have been nothing but stressful for Kastron. A southern kingdom, for no clear reason, has been trying to infiltrate the borders of Kastron. As the tension between the two realms escalated, King Simon found himself ensnared in the web of political turmoil and military strategies, his every waking moment consumed by the threat looming at the kingdom's doorstep.

As the southern kingdom persisted in its attempts to breach Kastron’s defenses, Simon’s frustration grew. Kastron’s forces have been able to hold off the enemy for the past few weeks, but the battle was proving to get more difficult by the day. His days were spent in council meetings, devising counterstrategies, and restless nights plagued by the knowledge of impending conflict.

Throughout the past few weeks as Simon was extremely busy, you had taken to caring for more things around the castle. By no means was it an easy task. Your already busy schedules were now packed with more mundane, tedious tasks. You had to step into a few roles that Simon usually took care of, thrown into uncharted territory that you now had to know like the back of your hand. 

To say you were stressed was an understatement. To say that you felt secure in this new position would be a lie. Hell, even with your lessons, you were still slightly insecure about helping run a whole kingdom. The lessons were truly helpful, and you really were learning useful information, but to actually put this knowledge into practice proved to be more difficult than you thought; a learning curve, if you will. 

Every evening before you went to bed, you watched Simon with a heavy heart. Stress etched lines on his face, and the once affectionate bond between you strained under the weight of your responsibilities. 

The command room now had countless maps, scrolls, and military reports scattered across the tables, and you found yourself poring over them, trying to decipher strategies that seemed more like cryptic codes than plans for defense. The language of war was harsh, and its intricacies were not easily grasped. You also had to take care of more civilian matters, tending to disputes and other technicalities that arose when handling such matters. Managing the palace as well proved to be more difficult, although it was not as prioritized as other duties you had to upkeep. 

Simon, in his stress and preoccupation, had not noticed the added weight on your shoulders. The castle, usually filled with warmth, now echoed with the sounds of strategizing military personnel and the tension that gripped every corner.

One day, as you were immersed in the endless paperwork, a knock on the chamber door interrupted your thoughts. Simon, looking more fatigued than ever, stood at the threshold.

“I need these reports on the southern borders done by tomorrow morning. Make sure they’re accurate,” he said, his voice clipped and devoid of the usual tenderness. It echoed the commanding voice he reserved for his soldiers.

You take a breath. “I’m not sure I can have those ready for you by tomorrow Simon. Can’t you ask someone else to do them for me? I’m sure Price can—”

“Price is extremely busy devising strategies. He doesn’t have time for paperwork.” 

Simon's curt response echoed through the room, leaving you with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The weight of the responsibilities, the unrelenting pressure, and now Simon's growing impatience were pushing you to the brink.

“Simon, I'm doing my best,” you pleaded, looking up from the parchment strewn across the table. “I'm still learning, and there's just so much to handle.”

Simon's eyes flashed with frustration. “We don't have the luxury of time for you to ‘learn.’ We need results, and we need them now.”

The exhaustion etched on his face mirrored your own weariness. The kingdom's issues had taken its toll on both of you, driving a wedge between you.

“I’m just asking for your patience,” you implored, hoping for a flicker of understanding in his eyes.

His gaze remained unyielding. “I ask you to take care of things in my absence, to support me. And it seems even that is too much.”

“I'm sorry, but I'm trying my best,” you scoff.

Simon scoffs back, his expression a stern resolve. 

“I don't have time for apologies. I need solutions. Figure it out,” he said, turning on his heel and leaving the room without a backward glance.

Left alone, burdened by the weight of your responsibilities, an angry tear escapes the corner of your eye. The castle walls seem to close in on you, and with a swift motion, you brush the tear away, forcing your attention back to the task at hand.

. . .

It was an innocent mistake, a forgotten task that finally ignited Simon's brewing anger like a firecracker on the brink of explosion. 

As you stood before him, explaining the oversight, his eyes darkened with frustration.

“Are you even paying attention?" Simon's voice rose with frustration.

The storm within him erupted, and hurtful words spilled from his lips like daggers. "How could you be so careless?" he bellowed. "This is important, and you can't even handle the simplest tasks!"

"I'm sorry, Simon. I’ve been busy, but I'll fix it," you pleaded, trying to diffuse the growing storm.

"Fix it?" Simon scoffed, his anger unabated. "You're always making mistakes, aren't you? I don't know why I expected anything different from you. You’re just a fuckin’ spoiled little princess, just complaining about all the work she has to do. You’ve never seen a day of real work in your whole life, and the moment you have to do anything remotely helpful, you become useless.” 

You’re stunned into silence. It feels like your heart has fallen out of your chest, your throat constricting with anxiety. This isn’t the Simon you knew. 

"You can't possibly understand the pressure I'm under!” Simon's voice carried a harsh edge as he spoke, the strain evident in every word.

"I tried my best, Simon. I'm not used to this," you replied, hurt laced through your voice. The word useless echoes through your mind. How could he? 

"Your best isn't good enough. We can't afford mistakes," he snapped.

“We’re supposed to be a team," you responded gently, trying to bridge the growing chasm between you.

But Simon's patience had worn thin. “You can't even manage the affairs within the castle! How am I supposed to rely on you when you can't even handle the simplest tasks?”

"I'm sorry, Simon. I never wanted to let you down," you whispered, your voice barely audible amidst the tension.

"Let me down?" Simon laughed bitterly. "You were never lifting me up in the first place. Just a burden I have to carry alongside everythin’ else I have to worry about."

His words pierced through you like a million iron swords. The once warm and loving connection between you and Simon now felt frayed, hanging by the thinnest of threads. Your attempts to support him had become ammunition for his anger.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not cut out for this,” you admitted shortly, your shoulders slumping under the weight of defeat.

Simon's expression twisted with a mixture of frustration and exasperation. “That's the first sensible thing you've said.”

His cruel words struck a nerve, tearing down the foundations of trust and understanding that had defined your relationship. His words hung in the air like a bitter aftertaste. Hurt and frustration welled up within you, but you swallowed them and bottled them up, unwilling to add to Simon's burden.

The pain in your eyes did not escape Simon, but his frustration blinded him to the depth of his own words. In that moment, the man you loved seemed like a stranger, his anger, frustrations, and impatience casting a shadow over you.

With a heavy heart, you walk away, desperately holding back tears. It took everything within you to not let out an audible sob, clasping your hand over your mouth. You push open the door hastily, stumbling out into the hallway. You wipe your now falling tears off your cheeks with the back of your hand as you make your way to your old bedroom. 

The echoes of Simon's bitter words lingered in the corridor as you escaped into the dimly lit hallway. Desperation clawed at your chest, and with each step, the weight of his accusations pressed harder. Holding back sobs, you fumbled your way to the shared bedroom, seeking solace in the sanctuary you once knew.

Once inside, the room felt emptier than before, its warmth replaced by an icy chill. Closing the door behind you, you allowed a few silent tears to fall, the pain of Simon's harsh words cutting deep. As you glanced around the room, the memories of happier times haunted the corners. A sense of isolation settled in, and you felt like a stranger in the very place that used to bring comfort. Swallowing hard, you allow yourself to let it all out, crying into the empty bedroom. The resilient facade you had built over the weeks seemed to crumble in the face of his words.

The weight of the crown, both figuratively and literally, felt heavier than ever. With a shudder, you begin to remove the regalia that symbolized your responsibility as queen, a responsibility that had become increasingly difficult.

The empty now seemed like a cold, unwelcoming space. You curled up, hugging a pillow close to your chest, seeking any source of comfort. The room held a somber silence, a silence you haven’t heard since you were last in this room, before you had fallen in love with Simon. 

As sleep finally overcame you, the hope for a better tomorrow mingled with the ache of your strained relationship. 

. . .

Sleep had been elusive, and the echoes of Simon's bitter words reverberated in your mind. With a sigh, you rose from the solitude of your old bedroom, still haunted by the sense of isolation that clung to you.

He hadn’t even come looking for you. 

You had called a maid to help you get dressed in your room, but made her swear to not say anything about you being back in this room to the rest of the staff. You purposefully waited until after your usual breakfast time with Simon to get something to eat, strolling into the kitchen to request a small breakfast. 

After breakfast, you read through your schedule for the day. Today you were supposed to have defense lessons with Simon. Not going to happen. Taking a pen, you scratch it off your to-do list. 

With a sigh, you run through the rest of your plan for the day, mostly consisting of busy work and advising. 

The day unfolded in a haze of responsibilities, each task demanding your focus. Advising on matters of governance and managing the affairs of the kingdom became a refuge, a temporary escape from the emotional turmoil that threatened to swallow you whole.

Dinner that night came and went, and again you had refused to sit at the table with him. Instead, you chose to wait until after he was gone to eat. Sitting at the expansive table, you picked around at your food, taking small bites before you became nauseous with unease. 

This was the longest you’ve gone without Simon the whole time you’ve proclaimed your love for him, and it’s only been a day. After finishing your solitary meal, you made your way to your old bedroom yet again. The night pressed on, silent and unwavering, wrapping the castle in a cocoon of quiet melancholy. And so, you retired to your old bedroom, bracing yourself for another night of sleepless contemplation in the face of a relationship that seemed to be slipping through your fingers.

. . . 

Another agonizingly painful day had gone by of you avoiding Simon. The same evening, he had come to knock on your door.

He called your name from behind the door. His voice sounded gentle, yet strained. 

You stayed silent, unmoving from your curled up position on the bed. 

He persisted, knocking louder this time. 

“Go away,” you yell, fighting back more tears as your heartstrings were being tugged with every time he called your name. 

“‘M not going away until you come out,” his muffled voice filtered through from under the door.

“Yeah, well, I may as well rot away in here. Leave me alone, Ghost.” 

That shut him up immediately. You could hear his footsteps fade away in the distance. 

You sob into your pillow, burying your face in the fabric to muffle your cries. 

. . .

The next morning was rough. You were groggy, two nights of restless sleep taking a toll on you. Right before you entered the kitchen for breakfast you were stopped by Ghost. He had jumped in front of you out of nowhere, blocking you from entering the kitchen. 

“Dove, please—” he began. 

“Don’t call me that, get away from me–”

You try to sidestep him, looking at the ground as you attempt to move past him. 

“Just listen to me–” he grabs your shoulders firmly, forcing you to stay in place.

“Let go of me–” you shrug his hands off, yanking his wrists off your shoulders with a vice grip. He lets you shake him off you, but still moves to block you from entering the kitchen.

You sigh angrily, finally looking up at him with a death glare. 

“Oh, you finally need me for something, right? Is this what this is all about?” 

Simon's eyes held a mixture of concern and frustration. “I need to talk to you. Please, just listen to me.”

The coldness in your expression didn't waver. “Talk? Is this about another mistake I made, or perhaps you've found another fault in your ‘spoiled princess’?”

Simon winced at the reference to his hurtful words. “No, it's not about that. It's about us. I... I overreacted, and I said things I shouldn't have. I need you to understand the pressure I'm under.”

A bitter laugh escaped your lips. “Pressure? Yes, I understand. I've been picking up work and dealing with responsibilities I’m not prepared for. I understand pressure very well.”

Simon's jaw tightened, regret flashing in his eyes. "I know I've been distant, and I've let this problem consume me for the past few weeks. But, dove, we can work through this. I need you.”

Your anger flared. “Now you need me? When everything is falling apart? What about when I needed you? You were too busy berating me.” 

The word berating came out stressed, and a flare of emotions bubbled in your chest. You fought against tears threatening to spring from your eyes. 

Simon's expression softened, nothing but remorse in his eyes. "I fucked up. I should’ve never said those things to you. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. Please, let me make it right.”

You shake your head, taking a step back. 

“You can't just apologize and expect everything to go back to normal. Words have consequences.” A fat tear rolls down your cheek. “I’m not one of your soldiers you can order around.” 

The moment Simon sees the tear, knowing that he’s the cause of it, he comes crashing down. 

He drops to his knees in front of you, his eyes pleading with a desperate intensity. “I never meant to hurt you. I can't bear to see you cry, especially because of me. Please, give me a chance to make things right.”

You sniffle, wiping the tear away quickly. The raw vulnerability in his voice tugged at your heart, but you held onto the shards of your wounded pride. 

He reaches for you, holding your hips tightly in his grasp as he looks up at you from the floor. His hands on your hips sought reassurance, his eyes pleading for a chance at redemption. You fold your arms over your chest, hugging yourself tightly. 

“Please, love, please, I will do anything, I’ll prove to you every single day for the rest of my life that I can treat you the way you deserve. I don’t want to turn into my father.” 

His thumbs press into the flesh of your hips, his usual stoic demeanor crumbles, and in this moment of vulnerability, he’s laying bare his regrets. 

His father. His terrible, disgusting, abusive father. 

"You’re not turning into your father, Simon," you whispered, your voice carrying reassurance. "But you also can't treat me like that ever again. We're a team. But it's also not just about the words. It's about trust and understanding.”

He nods, swallowing thickly. 

"Please, dove," he implored, his voice choking with emotion. “I never meant to hurt you like this. I'm begging you, give me a chance to make things right. I can't stand to see you in pain.”

“I miss you,” he whispers, and you spot a few tears in the corners of his eyes. You’ve never seen him cry before. “I miss you, and I don’t deserve you. Not after what I did to you.” 

Your heart wavered, torn between the hurt he caused and the raw vulnerability he now displayed. The sight of Simon, a powerful and composed ruler, reduced to tears, spoke volumes about the depth of his regret.

As you looked down at him, a swirl of conflicting emotions clouded you. Part of you wanted to pull him into an embrace, to reassure him that things could get better. Yet, the wounds were still fresh, and trust can’t be easily mended. You swipe his tears away with the pad of your thumb. 

“Simon,” you began, your voice gentle but firm, "this isn't something that can be fixed overnight. It's going to take time."

He nodded vigorously, his tear-streaked face desperate for any glimmer of hope. "I'll do anything, dove. Anything to make it right.”

The sincerity in his voice resonated, and for a moment, you softened. “Simon, I need you to understand that we're in this together. We need to communicate and support each other.”

Simon nodded, a genuine determination in his eyes. "I promise you, I'll be there for you. No more takin’ out my frustrations on you, it will never happen again, so long as I live.” 

You sighed, the weight of the situation still heavy on your shoulders. “Actions speak louder than words.”

He nodded again, his gaze unwavering. "I'll prove it to you, every day."

Releasing your hips, Simon stood up, his eyes never leaving yours. The air between you held a mix of tension and tentative hope. 

“I love you, dove. I love you.”

He wipes his face clear of the tears, and you stand there, twisting your hands together. His hands brush over your upper arms, causing you to shiver slightly, but this time you don’t back away. You let him ever so slowly pull you in for a hug, and you reluctantly grasp on to his tunic. His arms pull you in tighter now, and he strokes your hair in reassurance. 

You breathe out the quietest, “I love you.”

. . .

A few weeks passed, and the castle, once shrouded in tension, began to regain its warmth. The scars of those horrendous three days were healing, and your relationship with Simon has strengthened more than ever. The air was lighter and you felt like a significant change had occurred between you and Simon. 

Simon had indeed lived up to his promise. He consistently showed effort in rebuilding trust. Small, thoughtful gestures became the norm—unexpected flowers, shared quiet moments, and the tenderness in his voice returned. The voice he has reserved only for you. You had moved back into his room after a while, sharing a bed again has never felt so good for you. Honestly, you were relieved. You didn’t have any doubt that Simon wouldn’t live up to his promises. 

The castle had transformed back into a sanctuary. The sounds of strategizing military personnel were replaced with the hum of everyday life. The warmth returned, and the tension that once gripped every corner dissipated like a distant memory.

The conflict in the south had been resolved after Kastron’s forces were successfully able to defend the border. Their motives were still unclear, but Simon had put it behind him. 

One evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon, you found yourself in the garden. The air was crisp, and the fragrance of blooming flowers filled the space. Simon joined you, and together you strolled through the gardens, hand in hand.

“I missed this,” you smile, leaning into Simon’s side. 

Simon tightened his grip around you, his eyes softening as he looked at the vibrant hues of the sunset. "I missed this too."

The weight that once burdened your relationship had lifted, replaced by a renewed sense of connection and trust. The garden echoed with the shared laughter and whispered promises of your love, and it always will. 

Simon glanced down at you, a hint of playfulness in his eyes. “Do you remember the first time we walked through these gardens together?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

You giggled, the memory surfacing in your mind. "How could I forget? You were trying to plant the most random assortment of seeds during the off-season.”

Simon laughed, a genuine sound that warmed your heart. “I was nervous. I wanted everything to be perfect.”

“And look at us now,” you said, gazing up at him. “Perfectly imperfect.”

He pressed a tender kiss to your forehead. “I love you, darlin.’”

The sincerity in his words made your heart flutter. “I promise to always be with you.”

The sun dipped lower, casting a warm glow over the castle and the garden. As you continued your leisurely stroll, the castle loomed in the distance, its turrets illuminated by the fading sunlight. 

The stars began to twinkle in the evening sky, and Simon pulled you closer. “Let's stay out a bit longer, yeah?”

“Mhm,” you nod, nuzzling against him. 

You take a beat.

“I love you, too,” you whisper. 

He strokes your waist, squeezing your flesh in his grip.

“I love you.”

- - - - -

(masterlist)

[emphasisonthehomo]

Twitch Streamer Tommy, because apparently I still have thoughts on him being one of those dudes who's into Flight Simulator.

Buck mostly starts out watching the streams because Christopher watches streams. Buck and Eddie have had discussions with Chris about how much info he should be sharing with strangers on the internet, it was a whole thing. Chris can watch them without being monitored, neither of them are helicopter parents, but Buck does in general keep tabs on them. Because he's constantly reading shit about someone w/ fame on the internet taking advantage of it.

There's a variety to the ones that Chris watches, but all of of them are for games that he already plays. Except one. Some guy called REMOVEB4FLIGHT and it's straight up just Flight Simulator content. There's not a ton of consistency to when the guy streams, it's all over the place schedule wise. Maybe once or twice a month, and he's clearly not a Professional Streamer™ so much as a guy with a hobby. His set up is crazy though.

And sometimes Christopher watches them when Buck is in eyesight, and yeah. Buck won't lie. He's interested. He became legitimately invested when REMOVEB4FLIGHT sat down and simulated a flight from JFK International Airport to Singapore Changi Airport, and it was just under 19 hours.

Buck didn't watch the entire thing, don't be stupid. But he did watch the last 4 hours which... Shut up. It should have been boring, but there was enough going on between the chat and REMOVEB4FLIGHT that it wasn't.

And it was also cute. The guy was cute. He was already obviously tired by the time Buck and Christopher started watching, and as he got more tired he got gigglier and gigglier. Explaining that "No. No pilots will ever fly 19 hours straight, I'm just doing it because I thought it'd be a fun challenge and oh nooooo do I regret it. My only goal is to be coherent enough to not crash land this A350."

The plane does not crash land and at the end, REMOVEB4FLIGHT runs his hands through his curly hair, laughs in exhaustion, and says "Great, I'm gonna go sleep for 12 hours because I've got a shift in 14. BYE."

And Buck keeps watching after that, when he can. There's something calming about it, in a weird way. It's both is and isn't ASMR. Any ASMR is absolutely on accident, but the guy has a really nice set up, a really nice mic. And a really nice voice. And a really nice face. He explains in detail what he's doing and why, like he's giving a casual lesson on How To Fly.

Buck learns that the his name is Tommy, and he is actually a pilot but he flies helicopters and that's "-the only other information you need about my day job."

Not all of Tommy's streams are 19 hours, though they're still long. A lot of them are him being like "What's the weirdest place I can land this thing?" or messing around in multiplayer. Maybe something where he tries to recreate relatively famous crash landings, like one day he goes "We're Gimli Gliding it today" and he does crash pretty badly the first time, but he gets it on the second.

It becomes a thing Buck and Christopher talk about, because they both keep up with it. Chris starts pestering Eddie to get him a joystick and pedals to play Flight Simulator, but those aren't exactly cheap so Eddie promises it for xmas. Buck is already stewing over how to potentially adjust settings and shit to make sure that the inclusion of foot pedals isn't an issue for Chris, etc etc.

Sometimes when Buck is part of the Chat Conglomerate Tommy comments on something he's said. It makes him giddy. It's difficult to describe. He just likes this guy. This guy's cool. Buck's getting attention from someone on the internet, sue him. He likes it.

And then the drama with the cruise ship. Buck doesn't think anything of it when Chimney reaches out to an old friend named Tommy, because why would he? It's a common enough name. But then Buck walks into Harbor Station and comes face to face with REMOVEB4FLIGHT and oh. Oh shit.

[vinelark]

khoa & tim fake uncle postfic

because i’m thinking about tim’s fake uncle again and because i’m also thinking about ghostbat: au (loosely inspired by this) set during tim’s early robin era where tim does a version of the Fake Uncle thing, which coincides with minhkhoa khan sneaking into town to spy on bruce.

the thing is, khoa has been off the grid for a while and just learned about jason--both that bruce got another kid, and that said kid had a fatal run-in with the joker. bruce had told khoa to stay out of gotham years ago, but khoa isn’t about to let that stop him once he catches up on the news and pieces together bruce’s grief spiral that only recent calmed down with the appearance of a new robin. a new robin who is, conveniently, posting a veiled job offer for an? uncle?? on the internet, and doing it entirely on his own.

so khoa fashions himself a fake struggling-but-not-too-struggling actor identity and lands himself the position of tim drake's uncle. it’s a perfect way to peek at bruce’s life while flying under the radar, because this tim kid is very eager to keep his fake uncle as separate from bruce as possible. khoa expects to be in and out of this job in a month, maybe two, as soon as he’s sure bruce is stable and not going to crumble because bruce cares so much and khoa knows it’ll be his undoing one day and—anyway. it’s a temporary gig. the kid’ll have to come up with a cover story when khoa inevitably disappears, but that’s not khoa’s problem. and tim probably shouldn’t be making up fake relatives anyway, so khoa will be teaching him a valuable lesson. (the lesson: always make sure you have collateral on someone before trusting them. you’re welcome for the parenting help, bruce!)

except. it’s not so easy to leave.

after just two weeks khoa starts realizing that:

tim is bonkers

like, off the wall bonkers

and brilliant

bad combo, khoa knows from experience

tim desperately cares about bruce and dick and alfred

but does not see himself as part of the family (hence the fake uncle thing)

khoa also realizes that tim keeps secretly patching himself up at home (because he’s downplaying any injuries after patrols) and eventually khoa is like. “okay. i don’t care what happened*, but you do have to stitch that up properly. my fake self can’t be in trouble for child endangerment.” and he patches up a surprised and wary tim. this becomes a routine.

*(khoa knows what happened, he was stalking batman on patrol that night. like most nights.)

ANYWAY. basically what i’m saying is: identity shenanigans where bruce’s ex is lurking around gotham pretending to be tim’s uncle and tim doesn’t know about the ex thing and bruce doesn’t know about the uncle being fake thing and everyone is keeping secrets from each other. and khoa goes from “this is a convenient way to spy on bruce” to “if anything happens to this unhinged baby robin i will kill everyone in this room and then myself” and ends up co-parenting tim without bruce realizing.

also in between having concerning realizations about tim’s self-preservation skills and spying on bruce, khoa finds time to have fun with it. like imagine a parent-teacher conference at tim’s school. the school calls bruce to schedule because his contact info is still on file from when tim was staying with him. but obviously khoa catches wind of this and decides to also turn up, in full uncle disguise, and spends the whole time fucking with bruce and having a blast.

like bruce was kind of checked out last year when the conferences happened and now he’s starting to claw out of his grief enough to be present and engaged. especially now that tim is staying with his “uncle” bruce is like wait. wait. and is trying to make more of an effort, so he shows up to the conference. and then at the conference khoa is just lounging in his chair like, “tim fell asleep in class? good for him, i’ve been telling him to get more sleep” and bruce is trying to be Even Better Dad to compensate while his eye is just constantly twitching.

[parent-teacher conference shenanigans with contributions from @cairoscene, @90kon, & @mammutblog:]

teacher: i won't sugar coat it, tim is very nearly failing literature

khoa: ah. a ridiculous subject anyway.

teacher: i notice tim is very... isolated. he doesn't seem to engage much with his peers, even when they try to initiate conversations with him

khoa: well children are idiots, i don't blame him

teacher: tim got in a fight—

khoa: did he win?

khoa: oh tim’s getting an A in science? we should celebrate. i’ll take him to get ice cream for dinner. we usually do that anyway but this time he can have extra sprinkles

bruce: that’s not— [deep breath] in my experience tim has trouble remembering to eat a balanced diet when left to his own devices, which is important to his growth at this age.

khoa: yeah of course. that’s why sometimes we get frozen yogurt instead

bruce: tim is lactose intolerant

khoa: [pulls out a packet of lactaid] i know

anyway!! after a bunch of shenanigans and awkward actually-taking-care-of-tim moments, something big happens where bruce and tim are in deep trouble and khoa breaks cover to burst in and rescue both batman & robin and all secrets come out. tim is shocked that he didn’t figure out who khoa was (in tim’s defense, he’s had a Lot going on) and bruce is soooo mad he didn’t see through the disguise, but also bruce is. grateful. that khoa has been there for tim, especially when khoa finally gets to do a full “get your head out of your ass” rant about the various ways tim has been pretending to be way more okay than he is.

khoa: if you’re going to CARE about people so much the least you can do is! pay attention to them!! this kid is your problem, act like it!

bruce: sounds like he might be Our problem now

khoa: only because i don’t trust you to get the job done 😤

(ALSO because khoa is literally there to lurk and observe he notices the league slipping into gotham and they end up rescuing a resurrected jason early.)

anyway i just think the concept of khoa being tim’s deus ex machina adult is so fun. like tim is on some international mission with young justice and it seems like all hope is lost and then freaking ghost-maker swans in and takes out all the enemies and gives tim a whole rant about How Is Bruce Letting You Run Around Like This, Does He Know What You’re Getting Up To In Your Spare Time, Where Even Is He. the vibe is ghost-maker dropping a (carefully patched up) robin on wayne manor doorstep with a sticky note on tim’s forehead reading TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR THINGS.

(bonus au of this au from aubrey where bruce DOES see through khoa’s disguise:

Tim: Bruce, this is my uncle--

Bruce: ANTON?!

Khoa: 😘

Tim: oh my god DID YOU FUCK MY FAKE UNCLE, BRUCE?)

also please look at this khoa and tim art again for the vibes

[lightofraye]

The Greatest Loss

I need to put a warning here, right now, for anyone that wants to read this. This isn't me being "woke" or "politically correct"; it's me being respectful that not everyone wants to read this kind of story. It's highly personal, and highly emotional.

It details loss. It details a lost pregnancy. Explanation of medical procedures. Biological mentions. Not everyone wants to read that and I am highly aware of it.

So consider this your first and only warning. If you are able to handle this, if you are able and willing, then by all means, read ahead.

But if not, I will not be upset. I understand not everyone wants to read about people's grief, of their loss.

For me... it's been 14 years of dealing with this grief, this pain, this loss. I will never get over it. My life has grown around this grief, has made room for it.

In such stories, there are lessons. Points we should all learn.

Because of length, because of details, I am using a cut.

October 6th is always a hard, painful day for me.

And yet, the events that led up to it began on the 5th, when I saw my social worker/therapist for our weekly meeting. She became very concerned at my state of mind, when I admitted my suicidal ideations were becoming worse, not better, despite the Zoloft and counseling and everything I was doing to stabilize my mind.

She decided that I should be hospitalized, but hesitant as to where I should go. Psych hospitals weren't really set up for pregnant women, especially one so close to the due date (I was due around the 15th or so). Regular hospitals weren't really set up for patients who had suicidal ideations. In the end, my social worker called my midwife and discussed it with her. In the end, they decided I would go to a regular hospital and be seen by a psychologist there.

Transportation became a bitch. My ex was at work at the time (the few times he had a job, I believe) and I was using my medical insurance's transportation. However, last minute scheduling was not their forte. I waited hours... and transportation never showed. In the end, my mother-in-law came and got me.

We went to the hospital and waited in the ER. I spoke to her about what was troubling me. For the last several months, my marriage was hell. The ex dropped the bomb on me: he wanted a divorce... and I was like 5 months pregnant at the time. It came out of the blue.

Then I found out my ex was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend who, when I snooped on his laptop, basically admitted she didn't care about "that thing in her belly". The ex also tried to throw me out of the house. It was one of the few times MIL came to my defense. Since she'd been paying rent, she made it clear that I wasn't leaving the apartment.

So yeah... my mental state wasn't great. My health during the pregnancy wasn't either. I had been in and out of the hospital since the baby had been conceived, really. Severe morning sickness--hyperemesis gravidarum--was extremely taxing. I had no energy, literally. I lost weight, that's how bad it was. The slightest thing made me throw up. I had the slightest hint of vaginal bleeding for months, but the midwife dismissed it, saying it was normal. (It wasn't, in the end.) My anemia got so bad, I had to have iron infusions.

The ex didn't believe me when I said it was this bad. (My MIL didn't believe me either, and so the ex believed her over what he saw in front of him. It was a disaster, I swear.) So... he took it personally, and decided to cheat on me. Yeah, I know.... ridiculous.

Anyway....

The pregnancy took its toll on me. Mentally, physically, emotionally. The suicidal ideations, in the end, weren't active. It was passive. The whole "Let a car hit me, let me end up being hospitalized for months with someone else taking care of me for a while." Not "I have a plan to slit my wrist." sort of thing. (Yes, there is a difference.)

However, the whole talking to my MIL that night of the 5th of October, 2010, helped. I cried, we talked, I got it out. I purged, My social worker was awful. I didn't connect with her. I felt.... judged. I couldn't get comfortable with her to purge what was in me. But that night I did. I got stable. When the psychologist in the ER finally came to see me... he asked if I could be trusted to go home. I said "Yes."

This is where I felt... I wished I didn't. I should've stayed. They would've connected me to a baby monitor and they could've seen the fetal distress. They could've seen something was wrong and saved the baby. They would've.... he would've been saved. But I said I was fine.

I felt fine.

But....

But I was fine. I said I was okay. So they discharged me. It was like... 10pm or so. I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch, if memory serves. My MIL offered a late dinner. Stopped to pick up the ex from home and went to this very nice little place nearby. I had a very hearty meal and for once there was no marital stress.

We ate well, then went home. I was exhausted. Normally, after eating so much, I'd have to wait a while so I don't throw up from laying down. Pregnancy and all. But I was so tired I just collapsed. The ex opted to stay up, the jerk, and watch TV. I was so tired though, I didn't care. Just crashed.

Now... for those who have been pregnant before, I'm sure you can empathize with this. Toward the end of pregnancy, there's frequent wake ups with a bladder feeling full and crushed. I, before this night, had woken up frequently and felt like I had to go often--even if it was just a teeny-tiny trinkle.

This night, however...

This night, I didn't wake up for several hours.

When I finally did wake up, I was startled. I felt like my bladder was going to burst. When I saw on a clock nearby how late it was, I was stunned. It had been at least four hours. When I shifted and moved, I felt a trinkle and thought "Oh gods, please don't pee in your underwear!" I waddled as quick as I could to the bathroom, my sleep-fogged brain not catching onto the "wrongness" that hadn't dawned.

When I sat down, I saw it. The sleep-fog banished instantly. There, on my clean white underwear, was the shock of bright red blood. I gasped, and knew. Just knew.

It wasn't my water breaking.

My baby was gone. I just knew he was.

I felt my breath catch in my throat. I began to sob. I cleaned myself, saw the blood, felt it trickle away, and sobbed some more. My ex, still awake, stopped by the open bathroom door and looked at me. "What's wrong?"

"I'm bleeding!"

He ran back to the bedroom, grabbed his cellphone and called the midwife for the on-call. She happened to have been the one to be the on-call emergency. I told her what happened. She was certain it was my water breaking. I insisted it wasn't. She advised us to call an ambulance and head to the hospital.

The ex did that and got me a fresh pair of underwear and a pair of sweat pants. (I really don't wear much for pajamas--often a loose cami tank and underwear.)

The ambulance was just down the road. They arrived immediately. I put in an hygiene pad in my underwear to catch further blood and was placed in a gurney. My MIL was called and told to meet us at the hospital. My blood pressure was checked and was normal. I had no pain.

Since I had woken, I felt no pain.

We arrived at the ER and was sent to the labor and delivery floor. There, they took me to a room. My midwife met us there and she had a nurse try to use a doppler to find a heartbeat. No go. She tried to find it with a stethoscope. No go. Lastly, an ultrasound. No go.

Very calmly, gently, the midwife took my hand in hers and met my eyes with hers. "Raye, I'm very sorry. We can't find the baby's heartbeat. He's gone."

I broke. In that instant, I broke.

Letting me weep, she went to tell my ex and MIL. I heard the MIL weep. The ex came over to me a moment later and together, we held one another and cried. They gave us a few minutes to cry before informing us of the next step.

Ideally, the next step would be to induce. So that was the plan. They would give me pitocin to begin, and a cervical balloon to force my cervix to open up. However, when they insert that, a gush of blood came out. That worried my midwife immensely.

(Before I continue, I should add that my midwife was a certified midwife, supervised by a licensed ob-gyn. She worked out of a hospital. He too was there that day.)

Worried, she called the ob-gyn and spoke to him in a low voice. I overheard the words "blood" and him asking "Are you sure?" That's when I saw her lift the sheet from the ground to catch all the blood. It was soaked.

That's when he took over. I was to be given an emergency c-section. I was bleeding too much and they weren't sure why. Since they didn't want me to die while doing the induction, they were going to do the c-section and find what's causing the bleeding and stop it. He was going to do everything he could to preserve my uterus and ability to have more babies.

Then I was rushed to the operating room, given an epidural, and the procedure began. This is where it blurs in my memory, the epidural and exhaustion and grief graying out my mind.

Later, I was wheeled into a private room on the floor. I was granted a chance to see my lost baby. I was granted the right to have him with me the whole weekend. I held him, wept over his body, slept with him beside me. Beside my room number, there was a leaf with a water drop, a symbol to all who visited that this was a parent who lost a baby and to be respectful.

The ob-gyn told me once I was allowed to stay as long as I needed until I was ready to leave and face the world again. I had photographs of the baby taken. His footprints on a certificate. He was cremated. A memorial was held.

On the first year of his passing, my ex and I adopted a pair of kittens to help us grieve. We needed something living, babies, to help us. One of them is still alive. (Unfortunately, one of them passed while I was pregnant with my son; we're still not sure what happened to her. But her brother is still alive.)

It's been fourteen years now and I'm still shattered. One in four pregnancies result in a loss. Be a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or SIDs. We have pro-lifers/anti-choicers/forced-birthers worried over abortion instead of the losses of wanted babies... when medical science can't understand why this happens. It's frustrating as hell.

As near as any ob-gyn can tell, mine was over an undetected placenta abruption. I say "undetected" because my blood pressure was normal. There was no pain. None of the signs of a "usual" placenta abruption. Something that would've triggered a rush to the hospital. All except one, one that the midwife ignored: the spotting.

My son is my Rainbow Baby. A term intended for a surviving birth after a loss. Having him helped ease the loss somewhat.... but I will forever mourn the loss of my first.

I should've had two sons driving me crazy, day in day out.

[ros3ybabe]

October Language Goals 🎀

I was thinking of posting a more structured study schedule for studying Japanese, but right now, I don't think that's a good idea because I'm not actually following a strict study routine or schedule. My available time to study varies so much on the day to day so having flexibility in how I study is definitely going to be and has been helpful.

These goals do help give me some useful guidance in how I use my study time, especially when I have a longer amount of time to study.

I am going to add an updated list of resources at the end of this post as I have found a good set of resources that are/will be helping me along this language journey.

🩷 Goals for the Month of October -

complete Genki I lesson 1 + lesson 2

build a flashcard list of 50-75 vocab in AnkiApp (currently 32/75)

learn 10-15 most common phrases/greetings

make a list of common things I say and find their Japanese equivalent

keep a 30+ day streak in Duolingo

keep a 30+ day streak in Busuu

post a speaking exercise per "chapter" in Busuu

test out WaniKani and see if I would like to utilize it as a resource

buy 2 to 5 manga in japanese (for future learning)

finish season 4 of Bungou Stray Dogs (for fun)

begin using AnkiDroid Genki I flashcard set in correspondence with the textbook lessons

start a beginner langblr challenge (either my own or find one to join in on)

I think this is a very doable list of goals given how busy my months and weeks have been. I will have a decent amount of free time, especially if I schedule all of my stuff efficiently. Now, on to a list of current resources!

🩷 Updated Japanese Language Resources -

Duolingo - I know she gets hated on but I love duolingo right now just for some daily practice on days where I have low energy or less time for studying. I turned off the romanji so I'm forcing myself to get more familiar either hiragana and katakana and I just find this app useful for vocab and silly daily practice.

Busuu - ohh, she has my heart right now. I actually bought premium for busuu for one year to give me time to actually use the app and get the most out of it. The audio is a little robotic sounding, but the exercises are helpful. They have speaking exercises that you can post to the community page and get native speakers to correct you! I honestly just love this app, and it also has a streak feature like Duolingo to keep me motivated to do some daily practice.

Renshuu - I still love renshuu as a resource because it’s the only reason I re learned the hiragana and katakana so fast, although I have not being using it as often lately. I still highly recommend the app! I want to keep using it and see how helpful it continues to be!

Language Drops - I like using this one to practice and learn some vocab every now and then. The free version only really lets you do five minutes a day but for a quick vocabulary review, that’s all I really need!

Genki I + II Textbooks and Workbooks - I've looked through the first lesson in Genki I and I honestly am so excited to use it once I have the time to sit down and study from it. My plan is to take notes from the textbook in my own notebooks, practice the exercises in the textbook and workbook, listen to the dialogue, and lots of flashcards!

Writing workbooks - I want to start using the two I have because I think it'll help me retain my knowledge of hiragana and katakana and even Kanji, once I get to the point where I'm learning Kanji.

Ankidroid/AnkiApp - These are two different apps, but they are both for flashcards. Their functionality is a bit different from each other, but they're still incredibly useful! I make my own flashcards in AnkiApp, but I use decks made by others in Ankidroid. This way I can keep studying what I already know but also can learn other things, if that makes sense? I'm using the Genki I deck on Ankidroid currently as I am preparing to use the Genki I textbook.

Google Keep Notes - I use keep notes to keep a record of my goals, resources, routines, etc. it’s so easy and simple to use and access, so I thought I’d mention it here

YouTube - I love watching YouTube videos about learning languages, thought I’m not advanced enough to start watching native Japanese content. Some YouTubers I like for their language tips are Tanya Benavente, Lidie Botes, and Zoe.languages. There’s a couple random videos about languages from, oh no Nina and The Bliss Bean, too.

that is all my goals and main current resources for the month of October. I’m thinking of starting like a language bullet journal, like a bullet journal/language tracking journal for Japanese? But I don’t know if I should? Maybe you guys can vote and give me some motivation to make a decision?

thank you guys! I did manage to complete most of my September goals, so that is definitely keeping me motivated right now! I haven’t had the most energetic of days but I think even a little bit of studying can be beneficial!

til next time lovelies! 🩷🤍

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.169 Caught up

It's 5:19 a.m., and Desi is giggling, so I guess it's time to get up. Today is her birthday, and I am stoked about celebrating a new chapter of her life. But that joy in tandem with all these deaths, and watching everyone around me get older, has me feeling anxious. In the grand scheme of things, I'm still pretty young, not even a quarter of the way through my adult days. But time feels like it's zooming by. I can't recall exactly when it started, but these last few months have flown by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I moved in with Sophia, and now I'm grieving the loss of my parents. And I have a toddler now. Where has the time gone? What have I really done with my life? Even though I know I've grown a lot, sometimes I still feel like that scared young man who was afraid of his feelings.

Desiree isn't ready to eat yet, but I'm starving, so I put her in the high chair while I got food for me. I learned my lesson, and she will not scare me like that again. I think she enjoys keeping me company, sitting there, blowing raspberries and saying things to me. She's so chatty so early in the morning. Maybe she's recalling a wild dream she had, heh. I'll always encourage growing her skills, but hopefully she won't end up as chatty as Chi Chi and her daughter. Still, I kinda can't wait to have a real conversation with her. I tell her today is her birthday and about how she'll be a big girl and all the fun things we can do together like go to the park, play in the water, and make friends. She doesn't seem impressed, and I laughed at her unamused face. I guess she's not interested in life outside my arms yet, heh.

Sophia joined us a little later, and I ask for her thoughts about doing play dates with Yasmine's girls. I expected a little resistance, but I didn't expect the full on stone face.

"We made a promise to each other, Luca."

I had not forgotten how we promised to make time for each other no matter how hard or busy things got, but what did that have to do with this? Desi needs to socialize. We may as well do it with kids we already know vs. meeting strangers at the park or whatever. Sophia admits the recent busyness was beyond our control and expresses gratefulness for the pockets of time we made for ourselves. But she also senses me getting caught up. I shift in my chair and tense up because it sounds like she's accusing me of something, and I don't like it.

"You have a huge heart, and I love that about you," she says. "I don't ever want you to stop caring about people, but while you're out here trying to help everyone, I feel like you're gonna edge me out of your life."

I can't lie. Those felt like fighting words, and I couldn't keep it together anymore.

"Edge you out? How could you possibly think that? After all we've been through??"

"No, please, you misunderstood me. I'm just saying I don't want to be left out. You're already gone a lot to look after your niece and nephews. I'm not a babysitter or even your baby mama. I'm you're wife! And we're friends! I miss talking to you and laughing about stupid stuff!"

"I'm not saying I don't want to help Yasmine," she continued. "Just...watch yourself. You're so quick to say yes to everyone, but I don't want you spending all of our time being a hero. Remember to make time for us. Please."

I see what she means now. I guess I have been falling down on the job lately. Taking care of her, Desiree, and the house is noble—endearing, even—but it's no substitute for spending quality time together, not that my goal was to avoid quality time. She shouldn't have to loiter in the living room, waiting for me to come home to spend time with me. I need to be more intentional about it. I still haven't taken her to that restaurant by Dub's house. Maybe it's time to clear the proverbial schedule and do that.

"I'll remember."

[crowandmousewritingco]

The Shadows of Medellín

Paring: Javier Peña x ambassador's kid!reader

Words: 1.5k

Rating: R

Warnings: The reader gets misgendered, language, mentions of death, talk of weapons, mentions of physical assault, and insinuation of S.A.. If I missed anything please let me know!

Summary: You decide to take a spring trip to Parque Nacional Natural Tayrona in Magdalena, Columbia, despite your father's demands. On your way, you stop in Medellín for some drinks. There you meet a handsome DEA agent who offers you drinks, then a fun time. After turning him down however things went south. Fast.

Author: Mod Crow

Notes: This is the short opening to a series that I plan on starting, the translations for the Spanish sprinkled in is at the end. I'm also attempting to fix my writing schedule, so keep your peepers peeped 👀👀👀

“I’m going to be honest, I don’t normally offer to buy a drink for men, but…” You couldn’t help but look towards the voice. Your eyes rake over the man beside you, he was obviously fit, thanks to the little preview that he had on display. The next thing that caught your attention was how the sleeves of his black button up hugged his biceps. The last thing you noticed? The way his jawline perfectly flowed into the beautiful expanse that was his neck.

“Am I talking to a wall hermoso?” Hearing him talk again, you blink a few times, eyes refocusing on the taller male’s face. Clearing your throat you shake your head softly.

“Sorry, I’m not really used to men coming over, offering to buy me a drink. But, yeah, you can buy me a drink. I’m drinking a spiked limonada de coco, the liquor of choice is tequila.” Seeing the smirk play at his lips, you can’t help but take your bottom lip in between your teeth. 

“Nice choice.” You watched as the mystery man looked towards the bartender, “Disculpe, una limonada de coco y otra de bourbon con hielo.”

The laughs were falling from your lips like a waterfall. Maybe the man beside you was hilarious, or maybe it was the seven drinks that had made their way in your system. Though Mr. ‘Stash was just as drunk as you, you couldn’t help but stare at his alcohol-reddened face. As you finished the water he had made you drink, he was finishing his fifth bourbon. 

“I think the two of us deberia salir de aqui y go to my place.” Hearing him flow between the two languages caused you to take a shaky breath in. You weren’t actually sure of all the words that were in the sentence but you could still tell what he was asking. Nodding you grab his hand and enthusiastically pull him to the bar’s door. Pushing open the door you were hit with the humid night air of Medellín. Once outside, you stopped leading the way, turning to him you furrowed your brows together.

“You know, I still don’t know your name.” You steadied yourself with the help from the taller man. As the two of you stood there, you heard him chuckle, and then felt his free hand rest on your waist. Letting go of his hand, you rest your hand on arm. Feeling him pull you closer you couldn’t help but gasp.

“Mi nombre es Javier Peña, but you can call me papí hermo-”

The sound of the door slamming open ripped you from sleep, the only real sleep you’ve had in about a month or so.

“Despierta esa cosa, tenemos que movernos.” Sitting up on the mattress, you pulled the thin blanket closer to your chest. You watched as one of the other men made their way over to you. Squeezing your eyes shut you braced yourself for the handling. 

Feeling the rough dryness of a hand grip your bicep you fought yourself on pulling away. You had learned your lesson by now, the first time you fought back it was mostly yelling and a tightening grip. The second time wasn’t as pleasant, they had to “show you your place” and the result of showing you your place was an angry red split lip and a blackened eye, so swollen you couldn’t see from it.

Feeling the bigger man give your arm a tug, you scrambled to your feet, blanket still in your hands. The minute you opened your eyes, you dropped your gaze to the ground, not wanting to make eye contact with any of the men.

“¿Qué coño se supone que tenemos que hacer con eso? Si algo le pasa, ¡estamos muertos! ¡Yo no firmé para secuestrar a la hija del embajador!” Hearing the panicked tone, you look towards the source of the voice. The guy didn’t look much older than you, maybe twenty-five at the oldest. Dropping your gaze back to the floor, you continue to be pulled along the way. As you passed the men you listened to the whispered Spanish, then you heard muffled popping. Then the sound of chaos breaking loose, doors being slammed shut or being forced open, glass breaking then crunching under heavy feet, and the screaming. 

“Joder, ¡es la policía! Cógela y sal por detrás hacia los coches y muévete rápido.” Looking between the two men, you watched as the one holding your arm gave him a nod. Watching him turn around, you felt him pull you along. Stumbling over your feet you felt yourself start to trip, but because of the hand holding on to you, you didn’t fall. Instead you were practically dragged along until you were able to get your feet under you again. 

Once the two of you were outside, he let go of your arm and quickly wrapped his arm around your neck, gun pressed to your back. Feeling the cold gun being forced against your back, you took a sharp breath in, tears instantly blurring your vision. While he pushed you, gun against your back, you attempted to blink the tears away.  

“We are going to,” You heard him mutter under his breath, obviously trying to recall the English words. Swallowing dryly, you speak softly, “Those cars over there?” You shakily pointed at the cars that sat about twenty feet away.

“Sí, those cars.” The two of you were quiet for a moment, the silence that hung between the two of them was that of a stick of TNT sitting next to a raging fire. Closing the distance between you and the car, you heard the man’s thick accented voice as he spoke behind you, “Gracias, mí inglés es muy mal.” The small bit of gratitude given to you feeling so out of place given the situation.

Once at the car, the guy quickly pulled open the back passenger door, and forced you into the back of the dark vehicle. Scrambling to sit up, you watch as the door slams shut. Looking out the darkly tinted window, you watched as men rushed out the back door, they looked different than ones who had been in and out of your room. You had assumed the men coming from the back of the house were just another gang. Though as they drew closer you could start to see the details on their shirts and hats.

Hearing the -not as muffled pops- your eyes snapped from the house to where the guy who had dragged out was. Watching as he stumbled back, bumping into the vehicle, only to slide down the side to the ground. Eyes glued to the man, you see why he collapsed, he had been shot��in the chest. Once the realization that someone was shooting in your direction hit you, you slide yourself between the backseat and the front seat to hide yourself on the floor of the vehicle. Squeezing your eyes shut, you clamped your hands over your ears, trying your hardest to muffle the sounds of yelling and gunfire. As you laid there, you had started humming to yourself, anything to drown the outside world away.

You don’t know how long you had actually hid for you, but when you felt the car door being pulled open. Feeling an instant weight land on your chest, you took ragged breaths in and let shaky ones out.You could hear a voice but your brain wasn’t absorbing the words. Feeling an unknown hand land on your shoulder you screamed.

“Please no! I-I can give you whatever, please!” Feeling tears run down your face, you couldn’t stop the sobs that forced themselves from your body. Feeling a second hand on you, you sat up and forced yourself back to the other side of the vehicle. With eyes open, you blinked tears away. Looking to the open door, you locked eyes with the man who had touched you. Javier Peña. 

“What the fuck, you’re the ambassodor’s…? Carrillo, get over here! I found the kid!” As he holstered his gun, you watched him with hesitancy. Seeing a new guy look into the car, you held your breath, not knowing what he might do. With eyes glued to the new face, you could feel a set of eyes on you. 

“Hey hey hey, it’s going to be okay now.” You watched him reach a hand into the car. “Let’s get you somewhere safer.” Looking from Javier’s hand to his face, you watched as his once harsh cold eyes softened. Nodding softly, you shakily reach out and take his hand. Slowly climbing out of the vehicle, you gripped Javier’s hand tighter, scared that the man who was shot was going to reach out and grab your ankle.

Once outside of the car, you felt as Javier pulled you into him, shielding your line of sight. You knew he was doing just that, shielding you from the carnage that had occurred, but just for a moment you allowed yourself to believe that -just for a moment- he cared for you.

“Okay, this isn’t something we do but, this is the only thing we could arrange for the night. You can sleep in the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.” Javier gestured towards what you could only assume was towards his bedroom. Shaking your head slightly, you clear your throat. 

“I-I can’t take the bed, this is your house. I can sleep on the couch.” You weakly nodded towards the couch. You knew that if you had agreed to the bedroom, you wouldn’t be able to sleep. At least not for long. Your nights have become riddled with nightmares, most were things they could have done to you, most ending with you dying. However, some nightmares were just moments you were reliving. Most of those nightmares were the things that had happened since you had been taken.

“We aren’t going to argue about that right now. What you are going to do is have a shower while I throw together food. I’ll show you the way.” You watched as he started towards a hallway, stopping part of the way he looked over his shoulder. Without talking, he motioned for you to follow him. Swallowing dryly, you cautiously followed behind him. As you followed him, the two of you were silent, that was until he opened his bedroom door and walked in. Seeing the room, you felt your breath become ragged. You weren’t aware you were crying until you felt Javier’s rough hand gently wipe the tears from your cheeks. Eyes refocusing, you look at Javier's face. As you stood there you watched every little thing the man in front of you did. Watching him nod softly, you listened to his voice, he sounded tired, but there was something else laced in his voice, annoyance “Okay. No bedroom. Just, wait here.”

You watched as Javier turned around and disappeared into his room. You could hear him moving things, opening and closing drawers, and then he was in front of you once again. Looking at the items in his hands you scanned over them. When he noticed that you were staring at the things in his hands, he looked down to them as well before looking back to you.

“I don’t have any…women’s clothing?” Looking at Javier’s face, you shook your head softly, “No it’s fine. I prefer men’s clothing.” Your voice had become small again and you hated it, the time off of your HRT, was becoming more and more apparent as time went on. 

Nodding his head, Javier gently slipped past you, though he didn’t walk too far from you. Opening the door that sat several feet from the bedroom door, he motioned to the room. “It’s the bathroom, I’ll turn the shower on for you. If it’s too cold, turn the left knob towards the wall a bit. If it’s too hot, you can turn the left knob the other direction or you can turn the right knob towards the wall slightly. Okay?” 

Nodding, you walk closer to the door, watching Javier nod back. Turning away from you, you could hear the flip of the lightswitch. The silence was short lived as the sound of water soon filled the air. Watching Javier reappear, he stepped out of the bathroom, making room for you. 

“The uh, shower is ready. If you need any help, just holler for me I guess.” Nodding softly, you walk into the bathroom, the steam from the shower filling the small room. Peaking your head out of the bathroom, you saw him still standing there. Grabbing onto the door knob, you slowly start to close the door. Just before you pulled your head from the doorway, you dropped your gaze to the ground just in front of Javier. 

“Thanks Javi.” Pulling your head from the doorway you quietly pushed the door close. Once in the bathroom alone, you gently press your forehead to the door. Squeezing your eyes shut, you try to will the tears away, but you couldn’t. Feeling your legs turn to jelly, you allow yourself to slide down the door. Once you were on your knees in front of the door, you couldn’t stop the racing thoughts.

“Aye mami, no eres una cosita bonita. ¿Necesitas ayuda para lavarte la espalda?” Wrapping the towel around tighter, you stared at the man who had walked in. Shaking your head you tried to back away from the intruder. You want to scream, but you can't. Your mouth dries, your words stuck in your throat.

“Oh, no voy a hacerte daño, voy a hacerte sentir tan bien.” Watching him walk closer, you held your breath, trying to disappear into yourself.

Feeling the door open, you snapped open your eyes, hands catching yourself before you face planted on the floor. Lifting your head, you watched as Javier crouched in front of you, a groan escaping from his lips. Nodding his head he gently grabbed a hold of you and pulled you up off the floor. As the two of you stood there, staring at each other, you felt the tears start to fall again.

“Hey, shh shh shh. I-I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Okay? You’re safe now, those guys can’t come after you, the police took care of them. There are unmarked cars outside with DEA agents and police inside them. No one is coming in or leaving this place without being seen.” Javier’s voice was different then before, there was a softness that you haven't heard from him before. The calm quietness of his voice helps you relax slightly, the cries slowly turning into the occasional whimper. 

Dropping your gaze from Javier’s face, your eyes stop at his chest. Without thinking, you let your needs take over. Wrapping your arms around his waist you pulled his warm body to you so that you could bury yourself in his being. With the collision of bodies, you wrap yourself in Javier and just hold yourself there. Feeling his unsure arms wrap around you, you allow yourself to break, and that’s exactly what you do.

```````

All Works Taglist

@for-a-longlongtime @romanarose

Pedro Character Taglist

@littlemisspascal @burntheedges

@carusolikey @thebeldroramscal

@morallyinept @lady-bess

@pedrostories @rivnedell

@pascalsanctuary @readingiskeepingmegoing

Translations:

Disculpe, una limonada de coco y otra de bourbon con hielo: Excuse me, one limonada de coco (coconut limonada) and a bourbon on ice

Mi nombre es...call me papí: My name is... call me daddy

Despierta esa cosa, tenemos que movernos: Wake that thing up, we have gotta move

¿Qué diablos se supone que debemos hacer con eso? Si algo le pasa, ¡estamos muertos! ¡No me inscribí para secuestrar a la hija del embajador!: What the hell are we supposed to do with that? If something happens to her, we're dead! I didn't sign up to kidnap the ambassador's daughter!

Joder, ¡es la policía! Cógela y sal por detrás hacia los coches y muévete rápido.: Damn, it's the police! Grab it and go out from behind towards the cars and move quickly.

Gracias, mí inglés es muy mal.: Thanks, my English is very bad.

Ay mami, ¿no eres una cosita bonita. ¿Necesitas ayuda para lavarte la espalda?: Ay mami, aren't you a cute little thing? Do you need help washing your back?

Oh, no voy a hacerte daño, voy a hacerte sentir tan bien.: Oh, I'm not going to hurt you, I'm going to make you feel so good.

Thanks to the lovely @samspenandsword for the cloudy moon divider. I also ended using @animatedglittergraphics-n-more. They were both really nice how could I use only one?

[dksw0rld]

Things I’ve Learned As A Young Woman

I’m in my (almost) mid 20s, I turn 25 in a few weeks. Since my birthday is coming up I’ve been reflecting on things I’ve learned as I always do in the weeks leading up. I want this blog to be a safe space for women to learn and grow in community so I wanted to share some of the lessons and pass them on to others. 

Health 

1. Consult with your doctor(s) before starting any sort of diet, no matter how good you may think it will be for you

At the end of the day, the internet is not a doctors office. You don’t know how a diet could personally affect you, as a woman and / or as a human. You don’t know if trying a certain diet will deprive you of a vitamin you’re already deficient in. You don’t know if that diet is good for your reproductive health in the long run.

2. Tying into point 1, always get your yearly check ups (blood panel, obgyn checkups, yearly physical, dental cleanings, etc.)

A lot can change in a year. You don’t know what could have developed, what you could have become deficient in, what you need less of, etc. if you don’t get your yearly checkups done. Staying informed and up to date is one of the best ways to combat anything that could come up, benign or not. Keeping up with your health is the highest form of self care!!

3. Speak to your doctor(s) extensively AND do your own medically backed research before choosing to go on birth control (and seriously consider other options first)

I know this can be a bit of a taboo topic but quite frankly I don’t care. Doctors nowadays are VERY quick to push birth control onto women without educating them on all the side effect, ways it can affect our bodies with long term use AND what can happen when you get off of the pill. I understand a lot of you want to partake in sex without having to worry (more on that in another point...) or you want to take it for other reasons not pertaining to sex but the healthiest way is to naturally keep track of your cycle and ovulation schedule. No one told me the issues I would have taking birth control for years and then getting off. I didn’t even start taking it to have safe sex, I started taking it when I as 16 because of the bad period symptoms I was having and to help control my acne. When I finally got off of it, my hormones were a wreck and I was diagnosed with PMDD thanks to the birth control wrecking my hormones. It took me literal months of research and trial and error to naturally re-balance my hormones. 9.5 times out of 10 taking birth control is just not worth it. Before you decide, please make sure you weigh all of the pros and cons and look into other options. 

4. Please be careful what you are putting in AND on your body

We are in a day and age where there are chemicals in and on everything. As women, a lot of these things mess with our hormones, our reproductive health and overall health. You have to do the work of reading labels on food products, researching if anything in your household products are harmful, purchasing all natural products when possible (makeup, cleaning products, candles, air sprays, etc.), and making as many things at home as you can (air sprays, cleaning solution, food, etc.). The companies making these harmful products are not going to tell us the risks. They’re just not. The detergent company you’re using to wash your intimates is not going to tell you how the chemicals they’re putting in their detergent is going to make your hormones unbalanced when you wear the underwear you washed with it. It is up to you as a woman to watch out for anything that can be harmful to your health. I wish it wasn’t that way but it is.

Mental Health

1. Stress and Anxiety are real and can really affect your body negatively

The affects of anxiety and stress are real. They can wreck havoc on the body. Find activities that help channel it. Journal. Speak to a therapist. Let go of what you cannot control. Research if what you’re consuming is helping contribute to the issue. 

2. Therapy does not make you weak

There is literally no shame in speaking to a therapist and anyone who thinks so needs to grow up. It’s actually extremely responsible and mature to make the decision to speak to someone to become a better you. You don’t even need to have gone through a traumatic experience to speak to someone. Therapy guides you in digging deep about every “why”. Why you respond the way you do, why you think the way you do, why you love that thing so much, what made you who you are today.  Everyone can benefit from therapy in some way. 

3. Your diet plays a part in your mental health

The mind-gut connection is real. What you put into your body has an affect on your mental health, especially as a woman. Yet another reason why it’s so crucial to know what you are putting into and on your body. Take it from someone who spent months and months naturally balancing her hormones. It matters.

Relationships

1. Stop sleeping with just anyone. That’s not being “liberated”.

I’m going to tell you right now. Stop. Your flower is extremely sacred. Letting anyone and everyone have access to it is not being a liberated woman. It’s actually trapping you into the mindset that being treated with the bare minimum (aka how you should always be treated by a man or woman) equals sex. If a man takes you out and doesn’t ask to split the bill you’re about ready to give it all to him on the first date because “he’s rare”. No. Number one, men like that are not rare, you’re just looking in the wrong places and / or entertaining low value men. Number two, men automatically see that as “oh so all I have to do is treat her with the bare minimum, she’ll eat it up and I can smash her”. Sorry, but it’s true. That type of treatment I just named is the BARE minimum. How a man or woman should treat you every single time of every single day. You have no idea how that man actually is from one or two dates. He could be putting on a show hoping to get in your pants. Honestly, that’s most likely what he is doing. And if he’s not, why give one of the most important part of yourself so soon? You’re just that easy to impress? Stop! A man worth giving time to knows how to control his sexual urges and will not ask you to have sex on the first few dates. Honestly, the men worth giving time to will wait for you to feel comfortable enough to bring it up, they won’t even mention it! Or on the other hand, if you’re sleeping with just anyone because you want to be a “liberated woman” who wants to express her sexuality freely, true liberation comes from being picky about who you choose to share yourself with and feeling safe and seen enough to share it with them. How do you feel after you have sex with someone in the name of being “liberated”? Once the hormones settle I bet you feel like crap. Let’s also mention that you don’t know who else they’ve slept with. You don’t know what someone else they slept with has. You’re genuinely putting your health at risk every time you choose to share yourself with someone you barely know. Not to mention you’re risking making another human with a man you don’t even know would be a good father, if he chooses to acknowledge he’s the father at all (harsh, I know, but unfortunately very true). And if you do know them, you should feel comfortable enough to ask them about their sexual history, when the last time they got checked was AND to show you proof they are free of any STIs. If not, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with them. If they refuse or make excuses, you definitely shouldn’t be sleeping with them!

2. Stop looking for love, let it find you 

I won’t lie to you, this one took me a while to learn.  But I’ve mastered it now. Love is not something you find. I truly believe that. Love finds you when you are ready for it. Whether that be forever love or a love that’s meant to teach you and prepare you for the next level of life and eventually the next love. I was on dating apps on and off for years. I believe dating apps can help you gain experience and help you meet new people but in my opinion I don’t think they’re conducive to finding your forever love. There are exceptions to that just like there are to everything but I believe letting love find you when it’s meant to is the best way to do it. Now if you genuinely feel like you’re being called to use dating apps to find love than by all means do so, but do the work first and make sure it’s not just because you feel lonely, left out, impatient to find your person, or are afraid to be alone. I had to be honest with myself and say that I was on dating apps because I was being impatient. And after digging deeper into that I realized it was one of the reasons I was still single. I wasn’t letting love unfold when it was supposed to, I was looking for it and forcing it. You can’t force love no matter how hard you try. Since being honest with myself, I found that I would much rather find my love interests organically. Not having to force it by swiping right solely based on how the person looks and a shallow glance into their interests. If I meet someone with potential at a bookstore, I already know we have something in common, a love of reading. Plus, there is so much more to life than a romantic relationship. Focus on you and creating your ideal life. Date yourself. Treat yourself how you want someone to treat you one day. I know we’ve all heard those so much but there’s a reason for it, they’re true! Love will find you when it’s supposed to. What’s for you will never pass you.

These are some of the many lessons I’ve learned on my journey. I truly hope at least some of these taught you something or rang true for you. If so, send me a message I’d love to hear. Or if you have any questions on any of the topics I touched on, send me a message and I’ll expand on it!

With love,

DK

[thatmarvelobsessedteen]

Not planned...at all

Cassian x reader

Azriel x OC!reader'scousin

Short Summary: Two girls, cousins, somehow find themselves inside a slightly modified version of their favorite book saga ACOTAR. What will happen to them, things have changed and not just their situation but themselves...are those pointy ears they now have?

Long Summary: Leonor and Roxanne had only planned their usual afternoon, reading fanfics on the floor of Nell's room and chatting about their favorite love interests. Doing weird hairstyles and screaming the lyrics to various Nickelback songs was on the schedule but nighttime they both learn a very valuable lesson. Don't go looking too deep into the internet!

Roxy and Nell both pay the price when finding themselves in the middle of...nowhere? That is until they walk through the snow for a bit and notice that they are now direct spectators of the very scene they'd been about to read!

Chapter 1

Growing up and moving out had never stopped two good cousins from acting like kids and sharing a flat for their studies certainly wasn't gonna stop Roxanne or Leonor from having sleepovers in each other's room.

Tonight was Nell's turn. The plan was simple! Celebrate the ending of second term globals with weird ass skincare products they'd never even touched before, blast music low enough for no neighbors to come complaining, and mix up sweets and energy drinks while devouring sour candy and Takis.

Nothing new or out of the ordinary, most time these sleepovers didn't involve as much food but today was special. Roxanne had gotten second place in a large judo tournament that took place in their city, the black long haired girl was almost vibrating with excitement at the news so of course her older cousin and roommate had taken it upon herself to make tonight specially fun.

"We could've got drinks?!"

Nell was snapped out of her intense focus by Roxy's words, it's true Roxanne's 18 and she's 19 going on 20 in less than two months. Feeling up to a teasing mood Nell pulled unnecessary hard on Roxanne's pitch black long straight hair with a smirk as she continued the intricate hairstyle she'd been working on for the past hour, this was their second attempt at perfecting.

"What's up with the comment? Are you feeling alcoholic young lady?! Meh didn't feel like buying that, energy drinks are more of a rush and it did feel kind of depressing to think of us both having a pijama party just to drink wine like old widowed wives."

Roxanne didn't really react to hair pulling, I mean the woman could put down a fully grown man without any weapons it was to be expected that she didn't feel bothered by Nell's petty hair pulling. She did hum in agreement with Leonor when hearing her reasoning and chugged another drink at her glass.

"How much left? Not that you're pulling too harshly but my neck feels sore in this position"

"Give me five more minutes, I like your hair, this type of stuff can't really be done on my hair! Or at least I can't manage on myself unless I spend a full hour untangling this bird nest"

Nell complained referring to her thick brown curls that were struggling to pull out under their containment from the hair claw she had on.

It wouldn't usually click to people, that she and Roxy were actually cousins at least not until they saw them interact with one another.

Roxanne was the absolute definition of a black cat type of girl, with her straight black hair and resting bitch face no one would expect to see her running into Leonor's arms for a hug to celebrate her victory. She loved dressing in black and wouldn't think twice before pulverizing someone's ego if she deemed it necessary. Standing on 1'64 meters she could somehow still manage to look down on anyone twice her size with her icy blue eyes.

Leonor on the other hand was usually all smiles and apologies, almost like a reflex at this point.

[z0mbiekisses]

I’m back with another request queen! Loved Video tape btw!! And it’s another Josh one bc all my requests rn are Tyler so I NEED some Josh fics. Here’s the request: reader is Tyler’s twin and hasn’t seen Tyler in months as she’s just moved back to Columbus after college. She attends a gig with her friends and sees Josh there. They get to talking and after weeks of them dating he introduces her to Tyler. Obviously they fight over this and Josh feels awful about causing tensions between the siblings. End it however u want!

hiii bff!!! i’m sooo happy you liked it 🙌🙌!! it means sooo much.

there is a shortage in josh fics.. gotta give bae some more attention 😽😽. this is such an interesting idea i was so excited to write this!!

i hope you & anyone else that reads this enjoys!!(: i love writing these & meeting new people this is the most active ive been on tumblr in YEARS lol. so thank you guys!!!!

COMING HOME !

coming home was definitely weird. i’ve been away at school for 3 years, and things are so different now. my friends were still back in virginia. my old friends from ohio all had moved on with their lives. hell, one of my good friends from highschool is married with a baby. the hardest part though, my family and i weren’t as close anymore. more specifically my twin brother, tyler. sure, i saw him during the holidays or the random times i came home. but he was occupied with his own life. starting a band, meeting his now fiancé jenna. we were so close growing up. time changes things, it was hard to be so close when we were so far away.

some of my old friends were attending this halloween party. i decided to tag along, meet some new people. see my friends again. i was dressed up as draculara from monster high, i had the wig and all. the party was fun at first, me and my friends all took cute silly pictures and danced around to whatever pop song was blasting on the speakers. we probably looked like goofballs, but it was so much fun. eventually, my friends & i parted ways. they all found different places at the party. leaving me awkwardly standing by the drink table. as i was about to leave a guy came up to me.

“why’d you copy my costume?”, the guy spoke. he was dressed up as a vampire. i could tell he was joking by the grin that grew on his face once he saw my shocked expression.

“i don’t know man.. you just inspired me.”, i laughed softly. the guy looked relieved i went on with the joke rather than cursing him out.

“it’s okay you look 10 times better than me.”, he chuckled slightly. i learned his name was josh. and who knew josh would change my life. we eventually left the party & ate at some random diner and talked forEVER. i learned he plays drums in a band, he really likes aliens and rock music. we had so much in common. and we continued talking for a few weeks. to which led to our relationship. josh was so amazing. he’d let me wear his t-shirts all the time, take me out on random fun adventures. if we weren’t sleeping over, he’d call me every night. and text in the morning. josh would even try to give me drum lessons. which would only end in us making out. josh was the most amazing guy on the planet.

however, josh would disagree with my opinion. to him, the best guy on the planet was his best friend, tyler. josh ADORED tyler. and from what josh told me, he seemed pretty cool. our schedules finally lined up, and josh was taking me to finally meet tyler for lunch. and he was ecstatic.

“i can’t believe my two favorite people are going to be in the same room!”, josh smiled, opening the car door for me to get out.

“you’re so cute.”, i gave him a quick hug. resting my head on his chest for a second. then we walked in the restaurant. it was a cute little place with rustic farm decor surrounding it. i was admiring the decor before josh spoke,

“tyler, this is my girlfriend y/n.”, my face dropped when i saw tyler. it was MY twin brother tyler. i know we weren’t identical twins but did josh never notice the similarities? we were both unsure how to approach the situation.

“uh.. do you guys know each other. is she like your ex or something?”, josh asked picking up on the tension.

“worse, she’s my sister.”, tyler finally spoke. i let out a breathy exhale. the mood instantly dropped. the whole table was quiet the rest of the afternoon. josh would try his best to make conversation. and i engaged, but tyler was silent. i had no idea why he was so tense. sure, it’s awkward. but i didn’t understand why he seemed so upset.

finally, we finished up but as we were walking out, tyler pulled me aside.

“are you seriously dating him y/n?”, tyler asked. the most he’s said all afternoon.

“yeah..?”, i said hesitantly, unsure what he was getting at. tyler scoffed and looked away before speaking again.

“you could’ve picked ANYONE ELSE Y/N.. instead you pick MY best friend.”

“it wasn’t intentional.”, i was shocked by tyler’s behavior. i didn’t expect him to react to everything like this.

“right yeah you didn’t know, because YOU can never do no wrong. perfect y/-“

“shut the hell up tyler!”, i shouted. i had enough of his behavior. this was all coming out of no where, and it was unjustified.

“you’re the one who had to take away MY best friend. i haven’t seen him in weeks thanks to you!”, tyler yelled right back. i chuckled dryly.

“you know, you can be such an asshole tyler. grow. up.”, and with that i walked back to the car, not even bothering to wait for josh to open up the door for me like he normally does. i was so frustrated, i didn’t understand why tyler was so mad about the situation. it was all emotionally draining. the ride back was silent, as josh pulled into my apartment complex he finally broke the silence.

“i’m really sorry y/n.”, josh said sincerely. i took a deep breath. it wasn’t josh’s fault for tyler’s actions. i was still angry, and a little upset josh never put two and two together.

“how did you not know josh?”, i snapped. it wasn’t intentional. but i was feeling so many different emotions right now, none of them good. as josh scrambled up an answer, i was already slamming the car door.

of course, the next day i was having dinner with my parents.. and tyler. josh texted me per usual. he felt really guilty about everything. i know it was never his intentions to hurt anyone. if anything, he was so happy for his two favorite people to see each other. he really was clueless. i was going to go over to his place.. right after i survive this dinner date. it was fine at first. my parents and i making small talk. tyler was quiet. only shooting daggers my way every so often. but those were easy to ignore.

“so what have you been up to this week?”, my mom asked cheerfully.

“yeah besides sleeping with my best friend.”, tyler chimed in. i rolled my eyes.

“i didn’t know my boyfriend was your best friend.”, i replied. before i could finish replying to our mom, tyler spoke up again.

“why couldn’t you date anyone else?”

“why do you care so much?”

“because you’re ruining things y/n!”, tyler raised his voice. which earned parental glares from both of our parents.

“maybe josh doesn’t like you as much as you think tyler!”, i yelled back. tyler’s face dropped. even i was surprised by what i said. i know that was a messed up thing to say. i guess it hurt more than i realized because tyler stormed up and out of the house. i didn’t even bother to listen to my parents lectures, i ran out of the house to apologize to tyler.

“tyler listen i-“

“break up with him.”, tyler cut me off.

“what?”, i exclaimed. now this was crazy.

“things have been so different since you guys got together.. and especially since now i know he’s dating MY sister. it makes things complicated.”, tyler looked at me. my eyes were filled with tears. josh was so amazing, he has such a good heart. and he treated me so well. i couldn’t imagine hurting him. but tyler was my brother. i didn’t want to let him down.

“i’m sorry y/n.”, i walked away and got in my car. this wasn’t fair. i didn’t understand why’d i have to sacrifice my boyfriend to get my brother back. none of this made sense. nonetheless, i drove to josh’s house. unsure on what i was going to say to him.

(p.s i don’t plan on making a part two, you can kind of use your imagination 😇 HOWEVERRR if you guys really want one, i will make one just lmk:3)

[beforeiread-studies]

Korean Learning - month 6 update (July 2024)

This was a great month! I'm proud of myself and my progress.

I read 2 more books in the Easy Korean Reading series. In my last post I had said something like "I'm sure I'll be able to finish the whole series this month" but nope, they got much harder after the first 4. So now I have 2 books left. At one point the characters re-introduced themselves and it's crazy to compare that to the introductions in very chapter of the first book and see how they are using much more complex expressions now and I understand them!

I kept it up with Anki and added around 250 new cards. Not 500 like I had hoped, but adding cards is so dull ㅠ I miss my pre-made deck for German. In other news, I finally got the mobile app so I've been studying on the bus (and at work) or even while watching videos rather than having 1 big session a day, which is more relaxing.

I bought an Italian Korean workbook. I've completed 6 lessons out of 25. This book is used at Italian unis to study Korean so it makes me feel v accomplished. So far it's mostly been stuff I already know but it's nice to put dots on is and lines on ts (does that make sense in English?).

I watched some random super beginner Korean podcasts. Choi Susu I will get to your level someday but until then akapinn and koreant (on YouTube) are solid alternatives. Highly recommended for super beginners.

I spontaneously enrolled in a King Sejong Institute (KSI) online course. The one with 1 online live lecture a week. The first one is this weekend but I will have to miss it ㅠ (already alerted the teacher, it's fine). From what I can see you need to do 1 unit of registered videos a week and then there is the live lecture. I thought I'd enroll in the Level 2/6 course, but the KSI level test told me to enroll in level 3 (2A)! I decided to up the stakes even more by choosing a course taught entirely in Korean, no English. Cause, you know, I'm moving there in a month, I should get used to not understanding anything that's going on. But now that I've watched the videos for the first week they are kinda easy? Am I actually getting good at Korean?

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I started taking lessons on Italki! So far I've taken 6 lessons with 2 teachers and I have another one scheduled for Friday. One of the teachers focuses more on speaking-speaking and the other on speaking-grammar, which I think is a great combo. I've spent about 100€ on lessons (yikes) but I put money aside for this so it's fine. Being forced to speak to someone in Korean is definitely helping. I can now have simple chats with my teachers, using English vocabulary for the words I don't know yet. And this week I'm going from 30-minute lessons to 45-minute lessons. Wish me luck!

Things that didn't work

I deleted TikTok. Last month I uploaded it to only follow Korean accounts and get bite-sized practice, but I ended up skipping those videos and stopping on the English-subtitled ones. I'm not there yet.

I didn't complete a single new lesson on the King Sejong online no-lectures course. I suppose they are just not appealing to me anymore, which is fine. I won't put pressure on myself for it anymore. The new course should provide me with the same content anyway.

The fill-it-out cards on Anki failed miserably. I created them wrong and they asked me to fill out the English word. Yikes. I don't think I'll try again for a bit.

Month 7 plan (August 2024)

Less than 1 month to my move to Korea, gah.

Vocabulary. Keep it up with Italki + add however many cards I like

Reading. Finish at least the 4.1 book of Easy Korean Reading.

Listening. Keep listening to random podcasts on YouTube until I find one that fits my level. No pressure.

Conversation. 2 Italki lessons per week. I will have to decide whether to keep them up after I leave for Korea too.

Grammar. Attend the KSI lectures + complete the exercises on my book.

Writing. I'm now realizing that I've been sorely neglecting this aspect of language learning and I'm desolate to inform you that I will continue to do so during the next month too.