#Kisame is the sane one

[dizzyspice717]

So I was looking at my fictional crushes and all save for one would raise their hand if I asked ‘who here has killed or threatened to kill someone’ and at least half of them are actually insane.

[nightlight-stardust-and-rain]

The absolute funniest thing about the Akatsuki is that the most normal one out of all of them is Kisame (closely followed by Itachi) and he's a whole-ass shark person.

[evilkitten3]

sick of konan being written as the only sane one in the akatsuki. the lady thinks her bestie is an actual deity and she somehow found the time and energy to make six hundred billion bombs for the purpose of killing a single guy who helped kickstart her terrorist organization bc she thinks he's a bit sus

the only sane one is kisame

[dolliestfairy]

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑈𝑛𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐹𝑎𝑤𝑛 ‌ིᨴּ ˒˒۪ 🦌ೀ

𔓘 Tw: Kidnapping, Noncon, Forced breeding, Pregnancy, Bondage, and a little of housewife kink ig? This fics is kinda suffocating tho. read at your own risk. Chubby reader fics with no skintone of reader mentioned.

𔓘 Authors note: this fanfic is kinda fcked up. this more like a Psychopath Hunter x Fawn fairy than a yandere. some may found this kind of disturbing so.. if this isnt your taste then please gtfo..

Minors do Not interact!

i'm thinking abt yandere hunter who is obsessed with chubby!fem!reader who is a fawn fairy.

yandere hunter who swears on his thumbs that he will kill anyone who tries to take away his wife from him who tries to hurt you.

yandere hunter who doesnt realize his obsessed nature over you. and called you "delusional" for calling him a crazy person.

yandere hunter who kidnapped you as soon as you placed one of your foot in his traps. shusing your cries while saying he would take care of you after.

yandere hunter who wants you to be his wife and bear his child. it doesnt matter if it was a mating season or not, he would try and no one could stop him.

yandere hunter who puts a rope above your chest and under your chubby belly just so you cant fly away.

yandere hunter who is almost dying from happiness because he just cant handle the cuteness of you with tears rolling down onto your tears.

yandere hunter who showed no mercy on you while his cock sliding into your pussy with an unexpected pace of speed. making you yelp.

yandere hunter whos one hand is on your mouth, covering you and muffling down your tears and cry, while his other hand plays with your nipple.

yandere hunter who suffocate you with affectionate after what all his done to you. shusing you and putting his plam hand on your cheeks and rubbing it while your body felt the cold air hitting every parts of your skin and wings, making you trembling.

yandere hunter who is 8 months later now is rubbing your swelled bellies, a bellies that now is filled with his unborn triplets. while he's thanking you for giving him this amount of happiness. which little did he know that he was far from a thing that was called "sane".

how can you even escape this madman when you're literally carrying his babies at the moment?

ᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊ࠢ࠘𐡏~♡ The MadMans are : DABI, MAHITO, Shigaraki, SUKUNA, GOJO, Itachi, OVERHAUL, DILUC, PANTALONE, Nanami, Geto, Kuroo, Suna, Tsukishima Kei, BACHIRA, OBITO, Sasuke, TOJI, Douma, Michael Kaiser, KAKUZU, KISAME, QIN SHI HUANG HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Alec, Hatake Kakashi, Horangi, Simon Ghost Riley, ALEJANDRO.

[ladyloveroll]

(These are my ACTUAL notes from my friends birthday party full of people who absolutely did not know who the fuck Itachi and Kisame were or how pairing names work or what a ship is.)

Writing kisaita (on and off) for 15 years

Never get tired of the ship

Excellent, friendly people in the fandom to keep making content (Cynni)

Presentation is less about the specific ship and more about the general qualities that make their ship S-tier. You may find this echoed in your own OTP, IDK.

Powerful, badass characters who can kick anyones asses no problem, as depicted where they are casually taking a stroll after Kisame (who still has his little fo-hawk) casually takes down the four-tails

Kisame is noted as the ‘tail-less jinchuuriki’

Itachi is clearly a fucking powerhouse, we don’t need to debate that

Working with strong characters means you are more easily able to portray their weakness and explore that side of them since that rarely gets screentime

Auxiliary, not main characters

Main characters are harder to write because they spend a lot of screen time accomplishing their goal and doing Plot

Auxiliary characters are more malleable, and morally gray ones especially so

Depicted here are Itachi and Kisame, separately, being ordered by their villages to kill their own people. They carry this order out, but do not particularly like it. Nor are they particularly loyal to their own villages, despite carrying this order out. It’s hard to say where their loyalities lie.

The answer is WITH EACH OTHER OBVIOUSLY

Any ship that has a timeskip has LOADS of canon-verse material you can work with, especially if it feels like the characters have changed or their dynamic has changed.

For Naruto especially, WTF are Kisame and Itachi doing for three years? Clearly neither of them are out capturing jinchuriki. They aren’t seen lounging around Amegakure or Akatsuki headquarters. They are just traveling the world. Probably doing hits. Probably hitting on EACH OTHER WOOOOOO

Long time skips mean a few thing: 1) Canon divergence, 2) Canon compliant, 3) pre-time skip, 4) during time skip, 5) post time-skip; and that’s not even the AU’s

They clearly haven’t made any other friends during this time either so lots of relationship to explore

The Naruto franchise is notorious for retconning. Probably because Kishimoto (the writer) was pushed to create at a pace that was impossible for any sane or healthy man to keep up with.

Fanficition writers can take advantage of this poor writing by interpreting the character in a lot more ways than if the character was solidly written.

There are a lot of different ways Kisame is written, and accepted as so

Itachi less so but we don’t have time for that

Retconning allows you to take a writers mistake and turn it into utter brainrot that ten other people (me) will reblog every 3 years

This one is kind of specific, but if you like angst then OH BOY this ship has a lot of potential for it

Any OTP that involves an angsty edgelord and a sadistic tagalong can indulge in either EXTRA ANGST and be able to balance out the angst with humor

The KisaIta ship has 4 great themes about it:

Redemption

Acceptance

Forgiveness

And Existentialism of course

Dynamic:

Sharkboy / lava girl

Edgelord / goof

Leader / follower

Maybe old? / a touch too young

Respect for each other

S-tier OTP because of strong themes and repeatable dynamics

Kinkfest here we come

S-tier OTPs must be able to withstand an intense variety of smut writing

Powerful level = able to handle pain and dish out pain

Body things? = more positions

The Shape of Water was one of the single best thing to happen to the KisaIta 18+ fics because (even though it existed before the movie came out) a lot more readers were into it now

Also, Kisame makes this ship work more than Itachi. He is fucking DEVOTED

at this point I was running out of my 10-minutes (THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT ME ON A TIMER) so i just backfilled the rest of the presentation with fanart and memes i like

Why do I like KisaIta?

I mostly write smut

They’re great at smut

I also like angst

They’re always great for angst, either character

Also look at them they are hot AF

Beefcake service-top vs. ‘shaped like a katana’ masochist

Healthy dose of hurt-comfort

They’re extremely flexible to write and so there’s a lot of stories you can create

thank you for not reporting me to the powerpoint police

[bh-52]

What are some of your favorite Akatsuki headcannons?

Deidara personally arranges New Year's fireworks displays while Konan and Sasori handle other decorations for their new year's party, and they all help setting up the Lunar New year's Eve festivities in Amegakure

Offscreen, Konan is the mum of the group.

Tobi has a crush on Konan, and he hates that he does because he thinks he's being disloyal to Rin.

Kakazu's idea of money laundering is literally cleaning his dirty money, especially his coins.

Itachi has a mug declaring himself one of the only two sane Akatsuki members, (Konan has the other), and nobody disputes it.

The Akatsuki has a betting pool about whether Nagato and Konan are directly a couple, or if the Deva path (Yahiko's corpse) is dating her.

Obito sometimes steals Kakashi's Icha Icha collections, and hides them in the Kamui dimension. He also reads them.

Nagato makes Wizard of Oz references when Akatsuki members meet the real him.

Sasori's favourite song is There are no strings on me.

Every Akatsuki member, except Zetsu, Kakazu and Orochimaru, has given Konan valentine's day cards.

In his early days as a member, Itachi would have nightmares, and Konan would take it upon herself to calm him down and comfort him.

Konan's extremely ticklish, and loves being tickled.

Hidan, Kakazu, Zetsu & Sasori make horror movies together.

Sasori, Orochimaru & Kakazu were the Akatsuki's official medics.

Hidan is a Jinchuriki for the spirit of Jashin, his immortality being why he was chosen.

Konan wanted to adopt baby Naruto & Fuu, so they could be raised by the Akatsuki. A sentiment a surprising number of members were all for doing.

Orochimaru's favourite Bleach characters are Mayuri Kurotsuchi & Sosuke Aizen.

The Akatsuki invited Zabuza to join, and he told them he'd consider it since he already had Haku to look after.

Hidan wanted to recruit Raiga, but the rest of the Akatsuki rejected the idea faster than Minato using the hiraishin.

Obito (as both Obito and Tobi) tried to win the Dango eating world championship, and lost to Anko Mitarashi both times.

When the group's all together, Itachi's in charge of breakfast, Konan's in charge of lunch and afternoon tea, Kisame's in charge of dinner, and Sasori's in charge of dessert.

Even though he doesn't have taste buds anymore, Sasori still bakes perfectly.

Deidara's favourite song is TNT

[13as07]

Object #3

(Akatsuki Smut)

[Art work is not mine! Credit to mick347]

Requested by: Myself

Word Count: 4,558

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Still no explanation, better luck next time. This is horrible, my apologies

Characters include: Hidan, Kisame, Itachi

Sadism (Hair pulling, death threat, biting, choking)

Nicknames/Name Calling: Angel, Sacrifice, Whore, Guppy, Kitten/Kitty, Object, Sweet Girl

Knife/Blood Play (sacrificial use of blood, cut marks, blood used as lube, licking)

Creampie

Domination (different levels)

Praising

Oral/Fingering

Exhibitionism (public sex)

Improper use of the sharingan (not like that, dirty minds)

Breeding Kink

———————————————————————

     "My little Angel!" Hidan's voice calls out, clawing me back out of my lazy sleepy state. One of these days I'll get to have a peaceful nap. Not today though.

     "Just ignore him," Deidara whispers into my skin, tightening his hold around me as he attempts to bury his head further into my neck.

     "Angel!" Hidan calls again, slamming the bedroom door open. "There you are my angel from Jashin," he coos, making quick work towards the bed.

     "Go away," Deidara bitches, tugging me closer as if that'll stop Hidan.

     It doesn't. Hidan's hands wrap around my arms, tugging me from Deidara's hold. "It's time to pray, Angel. We don't want to upset Jashin."

     "Wait your turn, Jashin dick rider," Deidara continues, trying to grab me back from the older member.

     "You've had her long enough," Hidan starts, placing me on his torso. "Besides, we pray to Jashin every day at six. It's almost six, it's time to pray." The younger member cuts his losses, blowing me a kiss and waving before he slumps back over in bed.

     "My pretty Angel," Hidan continues to praise, hands wondering my body as he carries me down the hallway. "Our God would have been angry if you slept through prayer time."

     "Your god," I correct, resting my head on his shoulder to enjoy the last few moments of peace I have.

     "Our God," Hidan barks, yanking my head up by my hair. His tongue clicks a few times, fingers still stiff as they cling to the roots of my hair. "We'll have to ask for your forgiveness. I don't want Jashin taking you back. If he must then it shall be, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't tempt him too."

     Hidan is the only member I think is truly insane. Everyone else is somewhat sane, but from the constant Jashin talk and the weird rituals I'm stuck doing for this 'God', I'm pretty sure Hidan just doesn't have any marbles left. If he had any, to begin with.

     "Alright, Angel," he hums out, releasing my hair to the door to his bedroom. Since the psycho is as close to immortal as possible, Hidan doesn't need to sleep, which leaves his room as a huge shrine to this Jashin entity. "You sit, and pray, and look pretty," he orders, placing me on the ground.

     A triangle trapped in a circle has been drawn out in black paint along the ground, with me slap-dab in the middle, like usual. At each point of the triangle is a bowl, one with dirt, one with water, and one that has a stick of incense burning in it.

     Candles line the circle, candles that Hidan is slowly collecting. My eyes trail after him, watching as he makes his way back to me. "Hello my little sacrifice," he coos, settling the candles down.

     Once they're lined up, Jashin symbol up, Hidan grabs my arms, pulling me towards him. He tugs a knife from his pocket, littering kisses over my wrists as he traces the symbols in the candle, deepening them and removing the wax that seeped into them yesterday.

     "Sit still, Angel," he orders, using his robe to wipe the wax off the knife. Hidan's eyes are dark as he grabs for my arms again, the tip of his knife gently dipping into my skin. Blood trickles out when my skin gives in, only making the psycho’s eyes darker.

     "That hurts," I hiss, trying to tug my arm back.

     "The pain will be minuscule compared to the blessings Jashin will offer you," Hidan answers, his focus on filling the candle carvings with the blood leaking from me. "All he asks for is your loyalty."

     I bite my tongue, keeping the disagreements stuck in my throat. "See? Minuscule," he mutters, setting down the last coated candle. Hidan's tongue slides out, crawling over my wrists, licking up the unneeded blood. His usual olive skin starts to shift, coating him in a dark black with his usual decorative white lines. "My pretty, perfect sacrifice."

     Once the praise is out, I'm left alone in the middle of the ritual circle. The dark room is filled with the soft flames of the candles, Hidan lighting them as he lays them back out. The dark reds of the room are brightened from the new light, but still barely counteract all the black of the space.

     Hands wrap around me from behind, tugging at my shirt. "Hidan," I whisper, squirming in his hold.

"Sit still," he huffs, his hold tightening as he shimmies my shirt off. "Well that’s disgusting," he grumbles, fingertips digging into the still sore wounds caused by Deidara. "That will not do," Hidan continues to grumble to himself. "Jashin will not be pleased."

My skin burns from the constant pressure to the cut marks, and back arches to try and escape the pain. "Please stop touching them," I whimper, tears already prickling my eyes.

"Jashin will not be happy," he repeats, shoving me forward so I fall on all fours. "We got to get rid of that... horrendous attempt at ownership. Jashin owns us, not that dumbass." As the word 'dumbass' spills out, Hidan traces Deidara's careful carving of his name. "We will fix it, stay put."

Hidan disappears, leaving me to ache from the leftover effect of his curious fingertips. Nagato was right, I need a break from the needy and rough Akatsuki members.

"I'm back." The short sentence is followed by my back erupting in pain again. Hidan chips away at Deidara's carvings, making new waves of pain slide out alongside new rivers of my blood.

"Please stop," I whimper, my arms already threatening to give out from the pain blooming down them. My blood coats down my sides, pooling under me. The life liquid is warm but sticky as it coats me.

"If you weren't disrespecting Jashin I wouldn't have to do this. But no, you're an object of service to the Akatsuki instead." Hidan's knife has dropped down to the bird cut into my back, the blade rough like the words of his hateful lecture. He chips at it as well, destroying the artwork left from my time with Deidara.

"See? That's so much better," Hidan says, kisses and his tongue sliding over the open gushing wounds. "Now let us pray." Clothing shifts behind me, his dick pressed to my thigh before my skirt is flipped up. "You need to ask for forgiveness," he adds, fingers dipping into my wounds again, scooping up some of the blood.

I let out a hiss from the pain, my mind scrambling to find a not sarcastic plea for forgiveness. "Jashin," I mutter, my breath heavy as Hidan's blood-coated fingers dip into me. "Please forgive me."

"That is a lousy prayer of forgiveness. Jashin should kill you for that mockery," Hidan grumbles, his fingers pumping slowly. "Maybe I should kill you for him."

"Please don't," I whimper, heart beating and pussy clenching from the mix of the threat and the stretching of my pussy.

"Why shouldn't I? You're mocking our God. Not to mention how much of a whore you've been today. Your cunt is all stretched out and used. You're not an object of choice for sacrificing. Jashin would be disappointed."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, mind going foggy from blood loss and lust. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. Please. Jashin, please?" The name slips out solely on accident, my thoughts getting difficult to keep straight.

Despite it being an accident, Hidan doesn't seem to notice. Quite the opposite. Kisses litter my back again, hands hooked around my hips, shoving me down. My arms and chest clash to the ground, ass still in the air as he shifts around. "Maybe I am wrong," he mutters, sinking his dick into me. "Maybe Jashin sent my Angel to me so I could show you his greatness."

Highly unlikely, but I don't have the strength nor the mental stability at the moment to fight him on it. "Keep praying, Angel. Let Jashin know what you wish for in return for your loyalty."

"A faster pace would be nice," I mutter, managing to piss off Hidan again.

His hand shoots forward, gripping my hair and snapping me upright. "You my dear Angel," he husks out, giving in to my request. "You are going to suffer at Jashin's hands if you keep acting up."

My spine tingles as my blood trickles down my back, shifting from the previous trails down my sides. "I'm sorry. That... that wasn't... please forgive me, Jashin." The words come out sluggish, my mind growing foggier by the second.

Hidan hums in approval, his teeth digging into my shoulder. He rips at the skin, tearing it with his mouth and making more wounds and fresh blood coat my body. "Hidan? Please? I can't," I whisper, my sight starting to go spotty with dark marks.

"You're fine," he mumbles, tilting my head in the other direction before he continues tearing at my shoulders. "Just be silent. Be a pretty sight for Jashin as I pray."

I do as I'm told, falling silent and enjoying Hidan's thrusts. They're sloppy with no rhythm as he prays. Mumbles for prosperity, wealth, and continual immortality spill from him as he uses me.

By the time he's done praying, I can barely keep my eyes open. "Don't go dying on me, Angel," he grumbles, releasing his grip on my hair. I fall forward, face buried into the ground again. Hiden doesn't seem to care though. His hands cling to my back, and dig into my wounds, forcing my blood to spill out faster.

"Thank Jashin." I try to do as I'm told, slurred unfinished words coming out instead. "Maybe I should sacrifice you. Leave you here to bleed to death when I'm done with you. At least then you'd be of some use to our God."

"Tha... thank... you... Jashin," I mutter, letting my eyelids win our battle. I can feel Hidan's smile as he licks the blood off my back, his tongue squirming against my skin as he continues thrusting into me.

I'm slowly shifted forward with each thrust, my pussy tingling in mellowed pain compared to the constant attack on my spine. If I wasn't so fuzzy-minded, I know my insides would be screaming from the lack of preparation and constant rough pumps into me.

Hidan's thrusts fall back to a patternless pace, his dick twitching in me as he starts another prayer. "Thank you, Jashin," he husks, stalling in me. He cums in me, his semen leaking out and mixing with my spilled blood on the ground. "Thank you. Thank you, my Lord. Thank you Jashin," Hidan mutters on repeat, his head resting between my shoulders as his hands continue to dig into my wounds.

The feeling of his weight pressing into me and his hot breath coating my skin only makes it harder not to slip into unconsciousness. Just as I'm about to give in, Hidan jerks me backward, shaking me out of it. "Let's patch you up, Angel. I can't have Jashin's favorite sacrifice dying quite yet."

"Ya... okay," I mutter, leaning back and resting against his chest. As my eyes sink shut again, the soft shifting of black soaking off of Hidan is the last thing I see.

"You'll be okay, Angel. Jashin will take care of you," he whispers into my ear, my limbs feeling light as my body is lifted.

————————————

"It's okay, you're okay," Pain says, the words coming out harsh from his inability to be gentle. "You're fine." It sounds pissy like Nagato is over my whines, but from his carefully placed hands and the way they cling to me, I know he's attempting to be gentle. "The water will help."

I know he's right, I know the water will help with the inflammation of my back, but the pond is so cold that it almost hurts more. Whines and whimpers of pain spill from me as Nagato slowly lowers me into the pond. The water coats me, stinging for a minute or two before I adjust and the pain starts to numb.

"See? You're fine," he mutters, settling on the bank as close to me as he can. His eyes trailing my muscles as they relax in the water, face as stone and unemotional as ever. "Stop being so whiney."

"You're one to talk," I mutter, settling my eyes closed.

"Don't do that," he hisses, leaning forward to grip the chain still hanging around my neck. "Look at me." I do as I'm told, eyes fluttering open to look at the attention-starved man. Pain's face scrunches up, hand drops his hold on me. "Don't... don't do that," he repeats, tone softer this time.

"Pain?" A voice calls out, tugging Nagato's sight away from me. I keep my sights set on him, knowing I'm not able to take the fit he'll throw if I piss him off again. "Konan was asking for you," Kisame continues, the shark-themed man falling into view as he approaches the pond.

"What does she want?" Pain asks, eyes fluttering back to me. The purple swirls of them seem tenser than usual as if I'll disappear if he blinks too slowly.

"I don't know," Kisame grumbles, his eyes flickering between me and the scenery. "Something about Hidan complaining about chains or something."

Nagato exhales through his nose, eyes repeatedly blinking as he looks at me. I have no clue what happened after prayer time with Hidan, but from the lack of the masochist, and me waking up in the med-bay, I assumed Pain wasn't too happy with Hidan. Or that Hidan would still be alive if he was mortal.

"Watch her while I'm away," Pain orders, eyes scanning over me.

"Yes, Sir," the shark man continues to grumble, eyes flickering over me again.

Pain reaches forward, his hand hovering for a second before he pats my head. "Relax. Behave." I nod yes, staring back at him. "I will be back."

"Okay." Pain walks away, continually looking over his shoulder at me.

     "You're bleeding," Kisame mutters, his eyes scanning the water once Nagato is inside the house.

     The watered-down red color of my blood coats a bit of the pond surface, a lot less than before but still present. "Ya, I know. Diedara and Hidan were... a little too much today," I mutter, sinking lower into the water so it settles above my shoulders. "Hence the ice bath."

     Kisame grumbles at my answer, his attention shifting away from me. I paddle around the pond, watching as he shifts out of his mission gear. "What are you doing?" I ask, working my way back to the edge of the water.

     "I'm going to get in with you. You haven't been of use to 'e yet today," he answers, tugging his shirt off.

My eyes jump over his green-tinted skin, taking in the way his muscles are stretched over the stone of his frame. Kisame is a big man, easily towering over almost everyone in the Akatsuki. My sights jump down, continuing to watch him strip. His penis matches the rest of his body, big, long, and a lot to take.

     Once he's nude, I back up so the shark man can slip into the water. He makes it wave as he sinks in. "Come here, Guppy," he husks out, hands wrapping around my arms, and tugging me forward.

     I'm settled against his chest before Kisame sinks, settling on one of the submerged rocks. "You weren't kidding," he says, fingers gentle as they skirt over my back. One of his hands jumps up, tilting my head so he can look at my bruised cheek better. "Is that from Hidan too?"

     "No, that's from Kakuzu," I murmur, shifting on Kisame's lap.

     His head dips down, pressing kisses into my neck, littering the gained bite marks and hickies with softness. "Stop squirming, Guppy," Kisame's calm voice says, the hand not running across my back shooting up to cling to my throat.

     "Sorry," I murmur, letting my eyes flutter shut. I soak in the gentleness of the giant under me, enjoying the way his lips coo and calm my wounds.

     "Sit up," he mutters, using his hold on my neck to lift me off his lap. Kisame shifts us around, settling me on the rock as he squirms out from under me. Kisses continue down my front, littering my breasts as his hands toy with my thighs. Fingers crawl up my legs chased by teeth sinking into my boob. Kisame's sharp teeth quickly make their way through me, coating me with the familiar stickiness of blood.

     "Kisame," I hiss, my hands shooting forward to grip his hair. "That hurts."

     "I know, Guppy. You're doing so well," he praises, his voice husky as his fingertips dip into my pussy. "You'll survive," he hums out, head tilting the other direction. Teeth sink into my other boob, new blood trickling out and being chased by Kisame's tongue.

     He continues kneading my titties with his teeth as his fingers pump in and out of me. Aches erupts from my chest as pleasure erupts from my cunt, the familiar mix of the two filling my body.

     Kisame tugs himself from my boobs, tearing more skin as he lifts his head. His teeth are coated in the red of my blood, the liquid slowly dribbling down his chin as it escapes his mouth. "Sit still and be good," he mutters, covering my face with blood-tinted kisses.

     Once the praise is out, Kisame sinks under the water, his fingers clumsy leaving me before being replaced by his tongue. My knees jerk, clasping around his head. His head tips back out of the water a bit, warning eyes shooting the order at me again before he dips back between my legs.

Kisame's tongue flicks at my clit a few times before sliding down to penetrate me. My hands tighten on his hair, knotting the dark locks around my fingers. My focus is split between not moving and the pleasure tingling in my pussy.

The poking and prodding doesn't last long though. When he's satisfied with my prep, I'm scooped back up and switched back to his lap. I'm settled on his tip, the head of his dick toying my hole as Kisame sits back down. "Are you going to be good at take all of me?"

No. I know I can't. His dick is massive, just like the rest of him. "Yes, Kisame."

He smiles at my answer, pointy teeth beaming as he looks down at me. "That's a good Guppy. Be a pretty object for me to use."

The praises are followed by me slowly lowering on Kisame's dick, the head bullying its way through me. I'm stretched, muscles strained the further I sink onto him. By the time I've settled on his lap again, my breaths come out as hisses.

"Easy Guppy," Kisame coos, a finger falling to rub circles on my clit. His hands keep pace with each other, the circles on my clit matching the pace he forces my hip into.

Kisame's thrusts almost hurt as I'm dropped back down his length, the head of his dick still bullying my pussy into compliance to take him. His head falls back to my boobs, teeth sinking in to tear more skin, and his tongue sliding over the new bite marks to lick up the spilled blood.

My hips ache and my chest is more torn than intact skin by the time Kisame stills in me. "Look at that, Guppy," he coos, hand sliding up to cling to my throat again. "I can see myself," he teases, forcing me to look down as his free hand presses against my stomach

He's right. The faint outline of Kisame's dick is present on my lower stomach. The imprint twitches as he cums deep in me. The mix of his warmth and the evident proof of him in me makes me clench around him, only encouraging Kisame's semen to spill out. "What a good, Guppy," he coos again, littering my face in more blood-tinted kisses.

     "Princess?" Pain's voice echoes from the porch, making Kisame pale.

     "Well, I'm a goner," he mutters, quickly yanking me off of him.

————————————

I can feel eyes on me, the heat path of them jumping around my bare back. "You look terrible, Kitten," comes Itachi's soft noise, his equally soft paces filling the med-bay.

"I know," I whisper, the words getting jumbled up by the pillow my face is buried into.

After being torn from the pond, Pain settled me in the medical room again. Half-assed promises to be back soon and for a soothing night spilling from him as he rushed to go 'ran an errand' with Konan. In his rush, Nagato didn't give me any pain meds and I'd rather deal with the aches than another safety lecture from him if I chose to find medicine myself.

"Poor Kitty," Itachi coos, fingertips gentle as he runs them over my bandages. "Are you alright?"

"No."

My answer is followed by pale arms wrapping around me, gently shifting me so I'm sitting up. He slips onto the bed behind me, hooking my legs over his as I face away from him. "We can fix that, Kitten," Itachi murmurs, hands sliding under my bandages to pull them off.

"Your fingers hurt," I whine, back arching away from his touches.

"I know, I know, it's okay, Kitty," he continues to coo, a hand jumping up to tilt my head backward. The red of his sharingans snags in my sights, filling my mind with the glow of them. My mind goes fuzzy, the forced light in my mind shifts to softer colors. The pastel blues, yellows, and pinks swirl in my head, causing my pains to seep away.

"Better?" Itachi's voice rings out, the soft pitter-patter of fingers shifting a gentle sizzle across my body.

"Better," I mumble, leaning back to rest my head on his shoulder. "I don't know what you're doing though."

"It's a genjutsu."

"A what?"

"It's control of your senses. I'm controlling your sense of touch, so you can't feel your pain but can feel everything else, so your muscles will calm," Itachi softly explains, hands losing their sizzling feeling but still dancing over my body as his lips brush against my neck. "And I'm controlling your sight so you can see something calming and can't see your injuries."

"Why?" I whisper, his fingers sliding over my legs making it hard to focus.

"It'll help you calm down too. I can't enjoy you if you can't enjoy yourself." The words are hushed, buried into my skin by the kisses continually pressed into me.

Itachi's fingertips ghost through my folds, nimble fingers searching for my clit. "Though," he continues, kisses trailing across my jaw as the controlled images in my head start to filter away. "I would like you to watch."

As the scenery of the room filters back into my sight, his fingertips toy with me. They toy with my hole, massaging it in the same way my clit is rubbed. "Watch Kitten," he says, nuzzling my neck to encourage my head down.

I do what is asked of me, dropping my head down to take in the sight of my skirt balled up my legs and Itachi gently working me. My compliance is rewarded with his fingers thrusting into me. He continues to toy with me, testing curls and paces. "Tach," I moan, my orgasm quickly building up.

"Kitten?" He whispers into my war, nibbling on my earlobe. The gentle coo breaks the band in my stomach, coating Itachi's hand and the medical bed in my cum. "That's a pretty Kitty, ya?" He continues to coo, slipping out from behind me.

Itachi rounds the bed, settling on the floor, kneeling between my legs. His arms wrap under my legs, tugging me closer to the edge before he dips down. His hands slide up from the movement, hooking on my hips as my knees rest on his shoulders. "Keep mewling for me, Kitten," he mumbles, his hot breath coating my mess.

His tongue slides out, focused on cleaning my folds before it skirts over my clit. Once again I do as I'm told, not because of willingness though. Itachi's tongue stays busy, licking circles into my clit and thrusting into my cunt to tongue fuck me. The lack of a cool-down quickly pulls another orgasm from me, this time coating Itachi's face.

His head pops up from between my legs, sharingans glow as a soft smile coats his lips. Kisses lead Itachi's trail up my body, hands sliding down to cup my knees and lock them around his waist.

"Itachi," I whine when his bulge presses into me.

"Oh, I know, Kitty. You're so sensitive aren't you?" He gently mocks, kisses coating my lips as he works himself out of his pants. "You'll be okay. After all, this is what you're for right? A pretty object for me to use. I've been nice to you, haven't I? Be nice back, Kitty."

The soft mockery is followed by Itachi toying with me again, the glow of his eyes watching as I squirm from his tip teasing my hole. His eyes flicker around, catching every one of my movements. His smile is still soft as he sinks into me, eyes running a mile a minute to catch every micro-movement my body makes.

Itachi's pace is slow and gentle, just like everything else he's done today. The clan killer doesn't live up to his reputation, especially in moments like this. His hands are like feathers, costing my body like he's trying to burn the feeling of my skin into them. His mouth does the same to my lips.

My body sizzles on nerves, the constant stimulation almost being too much. "Pretty Kitty," he coos, his thrusts picking up their speed. "My pretty Kitty that's going to have my pretty litter."

Itachi's words make my spine tingle, causing my hips to thrust up. That seems to do it for the masochist, his thrusts jerking before his body is pressed into mine. "Kitty, Kitty, Kitty," he mutters against me, his nose buried into my cheek. The line of praise is paired with me being filled, not even the thought of pulling out rolling around Itachi's head as his semen fills my cunt.

"Princess?" Nagato's voice echoes in the hallway, causing Itachi's head to rise.

"He's on top of it tonight," Tachi mumbles, tucking himself away and tugging my skirt back into place.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, my focus on scanning my body. My deeper wounds have vanished curtsy of the man in front of me, leaving the simpler ones, my hickies, and bite marks.

"Last I knew Hidan was hanging in a tree," Itachi confuses, hand clinging to the back of my neck as he kisses my forehead. "That, and Kisame is in a bit of trouble."

"Oh," I whisper, eyes flickering to the door as the sound of Pain's footsteps creep closer.

"Goodnight, Kitten," he whispers, pecking my lips before vanishing. I don't know how Itachi does that and I'm not sure I want to know.

"Princess?" Pain grumbles again, pushing the door open. "How are you feeling?"

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[mixelation]

My first thought about Toxicity was that, hey Obito could be her jounin babysitter! And then I thought about it for like .001 seconds and realized that no sane person would allow Obito to babysit anyone let alone in some sort of pseudo diplomatic situation

this was also my exact thought process. it would be fun!! also no one would let this happen. although i guess he could secretly drop in to say hey anyway

obito: omg i'm so jealous, kisame-sempai~~ plesae don't steal my partner~~~

kisame: get out of my village or i will kill you :)

[themidnightguardian]

ItaSaku fic rec list

for @shyguywrites -- I didn't think I'd be able to fit a proper list of recs into the comment section, so I decided to make a whole post. This is not a comprehensive list, but these are a few of my favorites.

The Way of the Wind by just_enough -> completed fic, rated M, ~160k words, absolutely top-tier fic, one of my all time favs, non-massacre AU, Itachi is a little deranged/unhinged in this one but not evil, brilliantly well-written, I love their back-and-forth, push-and-pull dynamic here

never let 'em know your next move by MirrorImage003 -> oneshot, rated T, ~8k words, non-massacre AU wherein Sakura is a competent badass and Itachi is both sane and smitten, lots of cute interactions

Masked and other non-massacre au fics by smileysgoboing -> series, rated G, ~22k words, non-massacre AU every fic in this series is so wholesome and fluffy, just very soft and sweet, I love how accepted Sakura is by the Uchiha family

Epiphany by FM_White -> completed fic, rated G, ~6k words, non-massacre AU, cute with rom-com vibes a bit in the second chapter, Itachi is a disaster as he tries to figure out how to ask Sakura out and Shisui makes for a hilarious not-quite wingman

A Series of Sexy Occurrences With Which Sakura Makes the Most Of by Pleasedial123 -> series, rated M, ~59k words, follows many canon events, this one is a bit steamier but the plot is still really solid and despite the humor it takes itself seriously, the growth from just hooking up to actual feelings is nice and not dragged out too long, the series also includes Sakura x Kisame which I didn't really vibe with until this fic but honestly it works really well here

Sapling by B1uebeary -> WIP, rated M, ~37k words, you do have to be logged into Ao3 to read this one, featuring Sakura trying to better herself and get strong, missing-nin Itachi who is not awful but not a good person exactly either, deep dive into some of Konoha's social issues, less shippy and more focused on Sakura's character growth

There are so, so, so many more incredible fics out there, of course. Most of the longer ones I either haven't read yet or it's been so long that I don't really remember enough of them to really rec them--though I'll be doing some reading soon, and may have another rec list in the future.

[madara-fate]

Look I don't at all give a crap about Naruto ships (since the fandom is very toxic about it and the only couple i care about is naruhina)

So i was rereading the manga trying to get cool panels for So6p Naruto and i found this pretty little thing

I think this is what intellectuals would call a Sasusaku moment, Sasuke basically called sakura useless and Nart boi here agreed , but he also added that it was one of the moments his (sasstraight Uchiha because imo he's not gay) body acts on its own to protect someone, also that thank you Naruto was also here realizing that Naruto meant her so both they realized that Sasuke was intending to protect her but he's a Tsunadere bitch who doesn't want to be soft

Me to the anti community of Naruto

Me if I catch you shipping Narukushi

Sns community be like:

They are literally attacking those who don't agree that Naruto (who peeped on hinata) and Sasuke (who almost throw up after kissing a man) are canonically gay, i mean cannibalism is because they are so toxic they make sane people like me leave the fandom (god this turned into a sns rant and why i hate them, ugh!)

Embrace the cinnamon bun!

Did i tell you how much i love Naruto Hinata Jiraiya Kisame Kakashi Minato and Kushina, No I didn't you dummy!

Even Yamato wanted to throw hands and mfers still think narusaku still had potential

Respect all Naruto women and embrace the cinnamon bun!

[senjutsunade]

~ANBU Detective Agency~

#Blind Incandescence - Head Cannons Content from the collective madness that is Narnia's 3 lunatics - penned by Crazy Insomniac (CI), Finger Seizure (FS) and Typo Queen (TQ).

ANBU Structure

♦ Mr Coffee maker is the most productive agent of ANBU.

♦ The board members are Shimura Danzo, Sarutobi Hiruzen, Utatane Koharu Mitokado Homura, Uchiha Madara and Senju Tobirama. They fund the ANBU and are the cause of endless migraines. Danzo's demands for random audits may some day end with Tsunade being charged for murder.

♦ Izumo and Kotetsu are the receptionists. Izumo is incharge of filing and Kotetsu is incharge of phone calls. Which is why almost no paper gets filed and barely any calls (especially from the board members) are ever picked up.

♦ Homicide and organized crime Unit - lead by Tsunade. Itachi and Kakashi are her personal headaches/ hand-selected team members. They deal with cases no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole. 

♦ Marital Affairs Unit - members are Kurenai, Asuma and Anko. This is the unit that brings in the most money.  

♦ Insurance Fraud Unit - Genma, Raido and Gai - Gai's youthfulness is what keeps the other two sane.  

♦ Missing persons Unit: Tsume and Shibi 

♦ Cult investigation: Hidan, Sasori, Kisame - the rest of the agency tends to stay away from them.

♦ Narcotics Unit: Inoichi and Shikaku...its kind of their expertise.

♦ Forensic team: Yamato, Hayate, Yugao, Kabuto, Deidara

♦ Ibiki is in charge of interrogation. Anko assists at times. 

♦ Kakazu is the accountant - no one ever gets paid on time.

♦ Orochimaru is the Medical Examiner / resident terror of the agency. Naruto loves him.

When ever Tsunade has a mad scientist moment (she misses holding a scalpel) she tries to go to Orochimaru's lab in desperate hopes he'll let her assist him - the bastard always slaps her hand away, pushes her out of the lab and shuts the door in her face with a smug smirk as if taunting her for not finishing med school.  Naruto is the only one who has complete access to the lab. If one would dare to venture down to Orochimaru's 'dungeons' they would often find the chibi babbling the ME's ear off about what happened in school that day with said ME responding to the babbling while dissecting dead bodies. Good thing his school teachers think Naruto is just a very creative child. 

Tsunade dislikes the favoritism Orochimaru shows. She was the first blond in his life after all. She should have more privileges.

♦ Akatsuki Law - a VERY successful Law agency run by Nagato, Yahiko and Konan. They provide FORCED free services to ANBU because Tsunade insists that’s what family does and Nagato wishes he was cousins with anyone but her. 

♦ Any press conferences that require ANBU presence are dealt with either from a member of the department in question. Itachi, Tsunade and Kakashi stay in the shadows since their roles require them to keep a low profile. 

♦ Social events that require their presence are Senju And Uchiha family related and Tsuande and Itachi attend them. Itachi with a poker face and Tsuande with endless whining. 

♦ Kakashi is incharge of attending all of Naruto’s Parent/Teacher conferences. There is always a bet ongoing regarding how many dates the Hatake will have by the time he returns the next day. 

Tsunade went to one of Naru's parent teacher conferences --  It's ironically the same elementary school that Tsunade herself attended with Orochimaru and Jiraiya since Jiraiya stayed in his family home while the other two moved away.  Unfortunately, the principal remembered Tsunade. She remembered the blonde menace for that one time she had snuck toads into the classroom during recess (she was good at bullying Jiraiya and Jiraiya was good at catching toads) and had left them in the desks of all the girls that had been giving her a hard time for liking to spend all her time with boys (Jira and Oro). The screams once the students had returned and had toads leap on them had shaken the school.  Then there was the time the blonde nightmare had snuck in Orochimaru's new pet snake (without his permission or knowledge at that) and had gone around telling girls it was her new designer scarf. Suffice to say - no one was amused with her prank. Orochimaru had actually not talked to her for a week.  The principal remembered all these things -- that should have been bad enough right? But this is Tsunade we are talking about. And as her luck would have it --  While trying to act like a responsible adult...she notices the janitor and...recalls that the man is actually a suspect in one of her ongoing investigations - only they hadn't been able to find him - until now. She runs after him, tackles him, breaks furniture, swears up a storm that leaves parents, teachers and students traumatized and stumbles out of the school premises with a bleeding split lip, torn clothing, a limp and a murder suspect.  She wants to sue the school for endangering students. They want to sue her for property damage. Nagato swears he has white hair since that week. Tsuande says his hair is still blinding enough and tells him to get out of her office.  Suffice to say, Tsunade is never allowed to come back to Konoha Elementary School. .

 @konohagakurekakashi & @uchihaa-itachi.

[animeyanderelover]

I’m still amused by the fact that in Naruto Classic Itachi and Kisame went into the village with their cloaks on and apparently thought that wearing some big hats would be enough to hide their identity.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, mentions of abduction, overprotective behavior, threats, intimidation, sexual harassment

S/o gets harassed in town

🍡 Itachi, despite having been the one who isolated you thanks to his paranoia and possessiveness getting the better of him, tries to keep his darling sane by still taking them outside. This mostly means somewhere outside in nature since it would be really dangerous if someone would recognize him and would see you with him together. Not only would you be put in the bingo book since people would assume that you're connected to him, it would also mean that some bounty hunters would look for you. He's dragged you into enough troubles already. He's aware that eventually the lack of social interaction gets to you though because he's the only one who you really have now. He's no substitute for you though, you still despise him for having taken you away from everyone and everything you loved.

🍡 Itachi can't just take you out to a town or village either or to be more specific, he doesn't want to. He might come up with logical reasons as much as he wants, part of him just doesn't trust you enough yet. If you try to run away and ask people for help, there will be a problem because his selfish side couldn't let you go. Not now that he has abducted you. There would have to be a level of trust between you two for him to even consider this and even then he thinks a bit too much about what might go all wrong. Seeing you withering away because you are so unhappy that you are stuck inside pulls painfully on his heartstrings until he caves in and asks you if you'd like to accompany him to a town not too far away but also not too close to where he keeps you. You haven't looked as happy as you do in that moment since he's taken you and i has his heart racing.

🍡 You think he's overdoing it when he forces you to wear clothes to conceal yourself more as he does the same. He ties his hair up in a bun, takes off his headband and changes in a new set of clothes since his cloak would give him away instantly. You complain but have to comply with all of this since you know that otherwise you won't be able to go with him. It's a longer walk than you expected but that's because Itachi wants to make sure that no one will be easy to track you two down in case something happens. You call him out for being way too overprotective and that he's overthinking but he doesn't listen. On the way to the village he also lists a couple of things he wants you to do when you two arrive. You are to stay within his field of vision, you don't tell anyone your or his real name, are forbidden to try to ask for help and if you run, he will hunt you down. You reply bitterly that you know all of that already.

🍡 You're so giddy when you finally arrive since now the long walk and the pain in your feet is finally worth it. Itachi even offered you at one point that he can carry you on his back if your feet hurt so much but you obviously refused. You run around but stop when you hear Itachi calling for you to wait. He allows you to buy some items you want and food you desire with the money he has as he indulges you in your wants. He just can't reject that lively and joyful sparkle in your eyes as you act like you're on a festival. There's undeniably a little painful stinging in his heart though to see how happy you are by now simply because you're in a town. Something that is mundane for all the people around you because they have the freedom to do this whenever they feel like it. You don't though.

🍡 You run from one shop to the next whilst Itachi is trailing closely behind you, eyes checking his surrounding every few minutes to make sure that no one is suspecting anything. He's slightly stiff and you notice but just huff a bit annoyed. Itachi would normally be not that paranoid when in a town but now that he has his darling with him, this is a whole other story. At least your happy smile is soothing him a bit and he spends more money than he initially intended to do as he just wants to spoil you a bit more to make you a bit more happy. The day passes by without any hitches though, no one seems to pay you two too much mind. That is until you turn your attention to a stand where you can win prices by winning a game. You try a couple of times but fail, a pout on your lips. Something that has Itachi chuckling a bit before he offers to try for you.

🍡 It is when you step away from him a bit to watch him doing what you failed in previously that you notice some guy motioning you to get closer to you. You're hesitant at first, glance shortly at Itachi who is still focusing on the game and apparently tries to win more than one price. You can't help but think that it's adorable. You'd technically still be in his field of vision o it should be fine, right?Curiosity eventually gets the better of you, especially considering that you haven't talked with other people like Itachi for the last couple of months. Curiosity quickly turns into dread the moment you step to the man and he suddenly pulls you closer by your waist, his hand dangerously close to your ass. You're pressed flush against his chest, smell his bad breath when he leans way too close to your face. He asks you what someone as lovely as you is doing here and you feel your heart beating faster out of fear.

🍡 You try to excuse yourself with a stuttering voice, tell him that you're already here with someone and should return now. Instead his grip on you tightens as he gurrs at you to stay a bit longer with him. He'd love to get to know someone as adorable as you better. Your breath starts being cut short as you start to panic, start trembling. Why is this man doing this to you with such a sickening smile on his face? Is he having fun right now, scaring you like this? You turn your face away when you notice that he's closing the distance between you two, expect the feeling of disgusting lips on your cheek, or in worst case even lips. Instead suddenly he lets you go as you stumble back. You hear him letting out a painful yelp and when you open your eyes, you sag when you see Itachi. You're so relieved right now though to see him, the man on the other hand is terrified.

🍡 You don't pity him but can't blame him for nearly crying though. Itachi's onyx eyes stare at him with icy wrath inside them, one of his hands applying a painful amount of pressure on the guy's hand. He asks in a low voice what the guy is thinking, touching you and scaring you like this? The guy can only stumble out apologies, he didn't know that you were already taken. He cries for Itachi to let go or otherwise he'll break his arm. One look in his eyes and the man suddenly knows that Itachi actually plans to do this. It isn't until you stumble to Itachi and cling to his side, asking him in a shaking voice to stop. People are looking and you want to go back now, you've lost all desire to stay in this city any longer. Itachi listens to you, notices how some citizens have stopped to look at the scenario unfolding over here.

🍡 He gives the man one last glare, one that would make any man piss their pants, before he pushes him harshly back so that the guy lands painfully on his rear. He quickly scrambles away from Itachi, presses his hurt arm close to his body as he still stutters apologies before he runs away. Itachi on the other hand grabs your hand in a tight grip and drags you with him. He is aware of how people stare at the two of you, hides his face as good as he can in his clothes whilst you just stumble behind him. His steps are rash and you're barely able to keep up but he doesn't slow down a bit until both of you are out of the village and a little bit deeper in the forest. That's when he stops for a moment and turns his attention to you, checks over you with a worried look on his face. When he asks you how you're feeling and if that guy has hurt you, you can't look him into his eyes. Instead you manage to press out in a strained voice that you want to go back quickly.

🍡 This time you let yourself get carried on his back and both of you arrive significantly faster to the cottage where you have lived for the last few months. Once you two are inside, you just sit down on the couch and wrap your arms around yourself. The encounter with the man didn't even last 50 seconds yet you're shaken up to your core. You've heard of sexual harassment before but this is the first time it has happened to you. You can't help but start to overthink yourself now as you imagine what might have happened if Itachi wouldn't have been there to protect you. Itachi just stands next to you, unsure if he should touch you to comfort you since you've been touched without your permission in the town. He blames himself, he shouldn't have let himself get distracted like this and should have instead kept his eyes on you. You're visibly trembling, a wet shimmer over your eyes.

🍡 You're stuck in your own paranoid thoughts right now as you can't help but vividly recall the touch of that man's hand near your hand, the gleeful look in his eyes and his disgusting breath. You flinch when you suddenly feel something being wrapped around your shaking form before you hear Itachi's voice hushing you, murmuring that he won't do anything to you. That's when you snap out of your train of thoughts and realize that he's fetched his cloak and has used it almost as some sort of blanket to wrap you inside of it. You're aware what that cloak means but right now, in that moment, it's weirdly comforting with his scent etched into it. You huddle yourself into the material whilst Itachi sits down next to you. You feel his hand carefully rubbing your back in a comforting manner to make sure that you're fine with being touched by him. For a few moments both of you just sit there in silence before you say in a dejected and still trembling tone that you're sorry. You should have listened to him. If you would have just stayed with him, this wouldn't have happened.

🍡 Your trembles intensify and you sound like you're on the verge of crying. That's when you feel his arms carefully engulfing you and for the first time, you don't push him away. Instead you press your head against his chest, taking deep and jittery breaths to not break out in tears whilst he does his best to comfort you as good as he can right now. He tells you in his usual soft tone that it isn't your fault, whispers sweet nothings to you in hopes to stop your trembling. You don't want him to leave even after you've calmed down a bit, grow very clingy as you seek him out for his comfort and the feeling of protection. And Itachi indulges you in your needs.

[erimeows]

An Ideal Date

So, this is the second installment of my Akatsuki x Reader series. If you'd like context for this oneshot, read the first part here on AO3! Hope you guys enjoy- more chapters centered around the other Akatsuki members will be posted soon (:

Weeks pass. You get put on a team with Itachi and Kisame, and though it’s a little weird being in a three-man squad reminiscent of the one he was part of when he was young, Itachi finds that he doesn’t mind it. You balance the two men out, and for whatever reason, Samehada likes to feed off of your chakra, so you’ve been a welcome companion.

The few weeks that the three of you went on missions together were peaceful. Unfortunately, though, your team along with the rest of the Akatsuki minus Konan and Pain have been called to one of the Akatsuki’s many hideouts for a meeting. The eight of you are going to go on a mission together to assassinate a group of ninja from Kumogakure that have been sent out to hunt down the Akatsuki and- specifically, you. Apparently, the team that ambushed you came back for your body, only to find that you weren’t there. 

So, they know that you’re alive and- officially- a rogue ninja who is a part of a criminal organization according to the reported sightings of you, Itachi, and Kisame working together. Though Itachi mourns your former life for you, you seem unbothered, simply moving along and doing what you’re told even though the life of a criminal suits someone as kind as you terribly.

Of course, he understands your struggle more than anyone else. He just knows better than to tell you about his life and let you confide in him.

He doesn’t need to get attached to anyone else, not after what happened to Izumi.

The two of you sit together, perhaps a little too close, on the carpeted floor of the hideout. Kisame aimlessly paces around the room with Samehada on his back. Sasori sits alone at a desk tinkering with parts of his arm while Deidara stands behind him watching while fiddling with his clay. Black and White Zetsu linger together in the doorway, leaning against the side of it. Hidan hogs most of the couch in the common room with Kakuzu being forced to sit on the arm of it as the Jashinist does maintenance on his comically large scythe. 

All of you have gone over your mission, with you guiltily avoiding everyone’s eyes- as if Kumo’s assault is your fault. Kakuzu’s reassurance that your village would have come after you whether you were in the Akatsuki or not, and that they also would’ve come after the Akatsuki at some point, falls on deaf ears. You still feel terribly as you stare down at the floor. Suddenly, Deidara speaks.

“Sasori, my man,” He calls out to the redhead, who responds, but doesn’t bother to look back at him. 

“What do you want?”

“What’s your ideal date?” Deidara questions.

At that, everyone in the room turns to stare at Deidara, baffled.

Then, an argument breaks out- from Sasori telling Deidara that no one would be caught dating him, to Kakuzu spewing out cheap date ideas, to Black and White Zetsu arguing about what kind of date they’d like to go on, to Hidan yelling at them to tell them that any dates not promoting the word of Jashinism are blasphemous. Kisame, thank God for him, merely laughs at all of the other Akatsuki. The rest attempt to shout over each other to be heard- mostly Hidan and Deidara- to the point that Itachi’s ears start to ring. 

“Why do any of you care?” Itachi finally interrupts, raising his voice.

All of the arguing dies down until the room is completely silent

“Huh?” Hidan speaks first, stupidly cocking his head like a confused puppy. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

“For starters, we’re all international criminals. No sane person is going to want to date any of us. Our only options are other criminals like ourselves,” Itachi explains. “And even if any of us were to get into successful relationships, they would inevitably fall apart.”

“And how can you guarantee that, huh?” Deidara huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It’s a matter of probability… Considering what even the worst of people could handle, I don’t think anyone would willingly handle any of us.”

“Like we’re all that insufferable to be around,” Sasori laughs, seemingly shocked that Itachi would be so blunt, but also clearly in agreement. “How pitiful that you’re right...”

“Is it really fair to say that we’re all doomed to being alone for the rest of our lives?” White Zetsu hums. “That’s cruel, Itachi. Most of us at least have some good qualities.”

“That’s arguably true, but Hidan is a religious zealot with a psychopathic murderous rage-” Itachi starts, only for Hidan to slam his hands down on the coffee table and argue back.

“Hey! I am not a zealot, you fucker, I’m just trying to spread the good word of Jashin!”

Once Hidan stops, Itachi continues, looking towards the artistic duo. While Sasori is sitting there putting tools to his puppet-arm to fix his flamethrower installments, Deidara is making tiny swans out of clay.

“-Sasori and Deidara are too obsessed with themselves and their art to want to maintain a relationship, and even if they wanted to, Sasori doesn’t trust others and Deidara is far too emotionally immature.”

“The fuck do you mean emotionally immature?” Deidara demands, only for Sasori to roll his eyes and respond with-

“Oh, shut it, brat. You know he’s right.”

“Zetsu… You seem nice enough, but your physical circumstances are… Unfortunate, to say the least, and the fact that you seem to be two separate entities certainly doesn’t help your case,” Itachi clears his throat, not even meeting Zetsu’s eyes when he says this.

White Zetsu gasps, then says-

“Itachi! I never thought you could be so rude to me.”

-at the same time that Black Zetsu says-

“Itachi, you’re a fucking asshole.”

“All Kakuzu cares about is money, so he would throw any potential lover away in a millisecond for a good chunk of change-”

“That’s true,” Kakuzu nods.

“Kisame is prepared to kill people that are supposed to be close to him at a moment’s notice if he feels like that’s what needs to be done for the best result, and that principal would apply to any potential lovers,” Itachi looks to Kisame, who is at his right, and then at you. His heart skips a beat when he meets your eyes and he’s sure you’re waiting for him to say something about you, but he can’t. So, he rambles on about their leaders next. “And Konan and Pain are far too busy with this cause of theirs to bother.”

“What about (y/n)?” Kisame mocks, stopping and nudging Itachi’s shoulder with a bandaged Samehada. You inch closer to Itachi and blush. “No rude observations about her, huh?”

“...Not yet,” Itachi answers. “She hasn’t been here long enough.”

“And what about you?” Sasori follows as he finishes tinkering on his arms and starts to put his tools away. “You can’t possibly be unaware enough of yourself to think that there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“There’s plenty that’s wrong with me,” Itachi sighs. “But even if there weren’t, I couldn’t maintain a relationship because of our line of work.”

“Like you said, couldn’t you just find another rogue ninja to screw around with?” Hidan suggests while sharpening his scythe. He finishes and haphazardly swings the weapon towards Kakuzu, who catches it by the handle and throws it into the wall before standing up and firmly kicking Hidan in the shin. None of the others so much as flinch. “Ow, you old motherfucker! The fuck’s wrong with you!?”

“What’s wrong with you? You’re lucky you escaped with nothing but a bruised shin. If you would’ve destroyed one of my hearts with that, I’d take yours as a replacement,” Kakuzu threatens. 

“Like I wouldn’t like that?” Hidan snarks back, to which Kakuzu merely scoffs and turns away.

“You’re foul, Hidan. Itachi is right about all of us.”

Kakuzu storms off into the hallway with Hidan following close behind, nagging his ears off.

“Great, they’re fighting again,” Deidara rolls his eyes, only for Sasori to snap back at him.

“Like you’re any better than they are? Don’t lie to yourself.”

With that, Deidara and Sasori start bickering as well. Black Zetsu grumbles something about despising all of them before trailing off into his room with White Zetsu attached. Kisame laughs again.

Within minutes, it’s just you, Itachi, and Kisame alone in the room. A calm silence falls.

You look towards Itachi and offer a small smile. For what must be the millionth time that day, his heart skips a beat at the mere sight of you. Kisame takes your spot next to Itachi and offers a toothy grin.

“Well, Itachi, since poor Zetsu is alone, I’ll go ahead and let you keep (y/n) to yourself tonight!”

At that, Itachi blinks. In this hideout, there are only four rooms. Usually, Deidara and Sasori will share, Itachi and Kisame will share, Hidan and Kakuzu will share, and Zetsu will stay in a room by himself. With you in the equation, Itachi assumed it would go the same way, just with you staying in his and Kisame’s room.

He hadn’t considered the possibility… Of sharing a room with you.

“Zetsu isn’t alone, he’s two separate entities; two separate people with two separate personalities who happen to be attached at the hip,” Itachi pokes holes in Kisame’s words for the sake of doing it- in a terrible attempt to stay cool despite how his cheeks are bright red and how his heart is slamming against his chest. “But, that aside...What are you implying about (y/n) and I?”

“I saw you looking at her all day. You always do,” Kisame snickers, then pauses. An uncharacteristically serious expression takes over his face as he leans in and makes eye contact with Itachi, amber burning into dark charcoal. “I don’t think we’re terrible people, Itachi. At least not entirely.”

“What does that have to do with what you just said?” Itachi demands, raising an eyebrow. 

“You don’t seem like the type to enjoy things very much,” Kisame shrugs. “For once, you should let yourself enjoy a close bond with somebody else. It’s like you said- not everyone has the opportunity to do that.”

“Alas, I am a terrible person, Kisame, and so are the rest of us.”

“Is (y/n) a terrible person?” Kisame asks, to which Itachi falls silent. No, you’re not a terrible person- you’re flawed, but still the best of them all. You wound up in the Akatsuki entirely by accident, not because you’re a cold-blooded killer, which is the case for most of them. “That’s what I thought.”

With that, Kisame leaves.

Later that evening, Itachi retires to your shared bedroom in the hideout to find you already lying in one of the two beds with your eyes shut. Kisame isn’t anywhere to be seen, so Itachi assumes that he’s in Zetsu’s room just as he said he would be. The Uchiha walks quietly in case you’re asleep, but you make it apparent that you’re awake when you address him.

“Itachi, where’s Kisame?”

“He said he wanted to room with Zetsu tonight…” Itachi trails off. He’s sure you’re going to ask why, so he follows that up with- “For whatever reason.”

“Hm.”

You pause, staring at the wall. It appears as if you’re contemplating.

“What’s bothering you?”

“I was thinking about everything you said to the others,” You say, sitting up and pulling your knees to your chest. You wrap your arms around your legs and sigh. “Earlier, I mean. About the dating stuff.”

“Oh,” Itachi replies, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was rather cruel. My apologies if it bothered you.”

“No, it didn’t bother me. As mean as it feels to say, you weren’t wrong, for the most part.”

“Then why have you brought it up?”

“I think you could date… If you wanted to,” You murmur, bashful. Right then, everything clicks. You must return his feelings… The way you constantly cling to him, the kindness you display, the staring you do when you think he’s not paying attention. At first, Itachi assumed that you were merely grateful for how he saved your life last month, but now… Well, he’s not stupid. He can tell just by your body language that you’re attracted to him. “And I’m curious about what your ideal date would be.”

“My ideal date…” Itachi starts, against his better judgment. He knows he shouldn’t do this with you. You’re a good person, and he’s… Well, his quality of character is debatable. You deserve better- anyone who gets close to him ends up dead. Still, the selfish part of him can’t help but want to travel this road with you. “Mayhaps this is more practical than romantic, but I’ve always enjoyed going to stay at hot springs. Soaking in the water helps with my chronic pain, and the food is usually quite decent.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” You nod and absentmindedly play with your hair. Your gaze flickers to the window. “We should go sometime… Together.”

Itachi swallows.

“Yes… I would enjoy that.”

With that, Itachi retreats into the bathroom to change into his pajamas before climbing into the other bed and falling asleep for the night. For once, he turns his back to his partner and falls asleep easily, knowing that you would never think of hurting him.

Later in the night, Itachi is woken up by the sound of his bed creaking. He jerks up, Sharingan activated without a second thought. His eyes glow bright red against the darkness of your shared room as he stares into your soul. You’re sitting on the edge of the bed with your hand on his shoulder. 

“U-Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” You apologize, tears in your pretty (e/c) eyes. You appear utterly exhausted. “I just… Had a nightmare.”

At the explanation, Itachi deactivates his Sharingan and allows the tension to leave his body. His thin frame relaxes as he settles back down into the bed. 

“You must be tired,” Itachi murmurs. “Did you want to join me?”

“Yeah, if it’s okay.”

Itachi blushes. He hasn’t slept with anyone in a bed before… Still, he wants you to feel better and get some rest before the big mission tomorrow- and a selfish part of him most certainly doesn’t hate the idea of holding you- so he scoots over to make room and lifts his blanket, gesturing for you to crawl underneath.

“Are you alright?”

You climb into the bed and under the covers, laying on your side to face Itachi. He slips an arm under your body to pull you closer despite being so unfamiliar with physical touch… It feels as if both his heart and his skin are on fire from merely holding you.

“I will be,” You answer, snuggling into Itachi’s chest. “I just… It’s been weeks, but I can still feel those needles in my neck, and the blood on my skin… I can’t forget it.”

“I understand, but believe me, nothing else will happen to you- not while I’m here,” Itachi reassures you, holding you close and pressing a kiss into the top of your head. “You’re my partner, after all. It’s my job to protect you now.”

“...Thank you, Itachi,” You hum. Your eyes fall shut and your lashes flutter against your cheekbones. “Let’s get some rest… We have a long day ahead of us.”

“(y/n)?” Itachi starts.

“Yes?”

“I changed my mind,” He says, then clarifies- “About your question… Regarding what my ideal date would be.”

“What’s your new answer, then?”

“My ideal date… Would be anything, as long as it’s with you.”

Much to Itachi’s surprise, you lean up and kiss his lips.

“I agree… I really like you,” You grin. “That being said, though, we still need to go to the hot springs together like you said. Don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Itachi smiles back. “I would love to, (y/n).”

[chaosnojutsu]

Ship ask game: Neji and Tenten

ami this is obvious bait

….that said, channeling my inner Adele. We could have had it all.

SHIP IT!

1. What made you ship it?

I’ve said it before in a million different ways, but it kind of boils down to me watching and WAITING for them to be canon. Every little interaction felt like a hint— Tenten being Neji’s personal trainer and hype man for the chunin exams, the two of them having so much alone time while Lee was on medical leave, Neji saving Tenten’s life in the fight against Kisame, the fact that they were the “sane” half of Team Gai and endured that together… honestly, especially because it was a Big Deal that Team Gai was older than everyone else, I fully expected for Shippuden to start with them being a Couple™️. Like they’d kind of pave the way for all the other romance plots. They’re older, so of course they’d get into romantic relationships first.

2. Favorite things?

The evidence is Right There. Like, trust me, I have ships that I have to REACH for— Nejiten is not one of those ships, despite not being in the foreground or being canon. Literally every time I rewatch any scene of theirs, a new detail stands out to me. “If you’re looking for a red car you’ll find a red car” okay, true, but the writers stuck Nejiten in a bright red car and put them in the background. They really had something going on from the EARLY days. Even just the way they talk about each other is so askdkskskdl.

Also, them being together would have been the perfect resolution to the Hyuga clan storyline— Neji being a free bird, choosing his own path including his own spouse, whomever he wants regardless of their lineage… and he’d pick Tenten a thousand times over, a girl with no clan or secret jutsu to speak of, a girl who has been there for him since the beginning, a girl who everyone else consistently overlooks… Neji’s power has always been in his eyes. Of course he wouldn’t overlook Tenten.

3. Unpopular opinion?

Re: my opinion that Lee and Gaara should have been rivals… Nejiten should have been rivals.

Maybe it’s more of a joke between them than anything else. There’s Gai and Kakashi, Lee obsessing over his (one-sided) rivalry with Gaara Thee Kazekage… I’m picturing Tenten getting sick of listening to Gai and Lee ramble on, like “would you two shove it, there are more important things in life than rivalries, can we please focus on training now” and Neji, ever the antagonist, is like “idk Tenten, it kind of sounds like you’re jealous that you don’t have a rival.” And she’d turn on him so fast like “oh are you offering?” And he’d get all snooty like “oh PLEASE, as if you could EVER be on my level.” And she’s like “we’ll see about that.”

Tenten’s arc could easily mirror Lee’s canon one (very “I know this goal is unattainable but that doesn’t mean I won’t get as close as I can”) and would give her and Neji more alone time to train etc., or at least leave room to expand upon what could have possibly occurred in their (canon implied) interactions.

[tsukinobherzhoka12]

Adventures with Itachi +Kisame + Ino AU is just them roasting Uchiha Itachi's terrible choices and being a bro-con, Ino and her sociopathic tendencies and Kisame's justification why Gai is the villain all along and his love for samehada.

[wuxianxkexing]

So here are my heart breaker/cursed head canons for the Akatsuki. None of us would actually want to be in a relationship with any of the Akatsuki in real life.

Pein- Despite being covered in hella piercings himself he would not like a S/O with piercings. The only exception would be if he pierced his S/O himself, and he would only do it for safety reasons so he could locate them no matter where they went (like the little piercing Konan has). Otherwise he doesn't understand why anyone would want to do that to themselves because his piercings are a source of never ending pain.

Konan- So she may seem like a submissive type, because she takes care of Nagato and goes along with whatever he wants, but that is only because she feels guilty and obligated to take care of him. If she is in a relationship she is 100% a quiet dom. Like people don't expect her to be but she calls the shots in her relationships and is incompatible with other dominant personalities. There can only be one queen and it's her.

Kakazu- His trust issues are too strong for any sort of romantic relationship. He doesn't even do one night stands because he isn't fully convinced that his random partner won't try to sell his kidney on the black market.

Hidan- It seems to be that celibacy is such a common part of ultra religious lifestyles that Jashinism (at least at his level) probably requires it. He probably gets bonus points for sacrificing anyone who tries to seduce him or who he finds attractive. Sorry.

Deidara- Is he pretty? Yes. Is he also annoying as fuck to the point where any halfway sane person wouldn't get to the point of being in a relationship with him, let alone sleeping with him? Also yes. Also you will always get his saliva on any part of your body his hand touches and it will smell like whatever he ate recently, even if he didn't eat it with his mouth hands. It's gross and weird.

Sasori- Really what are all of us fans thinking? We would 100% get splinters in places we do not want to get splinters and the ER doctors would eventually end up featuring us in an ask reddit thread about people fucking things they shouldn't fuck.

Kisame- He probably has a very unconventional eye for beauty. He doesn't find traditionally attractive people attractive at all. (I guess this one isn't much of a heart breaker, only to the conventially attractive part of the fandom RIP)

Itachi- If you are unfilial to your family he ain't into you. He only accepts partners with a good relationship with their entire family, so if you've got daddy issues Itachi won't even tap it. Does he recognize the hypocrisy of being the poster child of family issues but refusing to accept a partner who also has family issues? No. Lmfao

Zetsu- He might be dtf, but he is a plant so he'll just release spores in the air or try to convince a bee to give you his seed. He doesn't understand why this turns people off and why he is unsuccessful at reproducing sexually. Also he doesn't understand why everyone says sex feels so good.

Obito- He firmly believes that he is so fucked up that if he got fucked even once something terribly bad would happen. I don't know if he is asexual or just has tremendous amounts of self hatred and trauma, but he is impervious to all attempts of seduction, regardless of who they are or what they look like.