#Kent was my mans back in the day. Some things indeed never change!

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

Man. Feelin' emotional after beating FE7 again. It was interesting just having memorized every line from when I was a kid. I definitely play a bit differently than I used to, but mainly that I'm trying to use units I didn't use as much before.

Some things never change though! Such as... Kent, Erk and Wil being my absolute MVPs before MVPs were a thing (thanks PoR!).

Even though this isn't in my top five FE games, I do think it had the most well written bittersweet ending of the bittersweet FE endings.

Eliwood best FE7 lord btw. Baby boy. I'm glad to be able to walk out of this playthrough loving him just like I used to!

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 2/?

Word Count: 2k

Author’s Note: Y/N - your name, A/N - any name (your best friend’s name)

Warnings: Swearing, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

Welcome Back! I have, once again, written more of Jason Todd because he’s a fucking teddy bear and I love him.

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Y/N and Jason both returned from that date feeling all giddy about each other, but trying their dammed-est to not let their hopes get too high about the other. However, that was extremely, extremely hard for Jason to do with family like Dick in his life. It’s like coming home to a hopeless romantic of a shipper as a nosey bitch. Lovingly, of course. No one’s like Dick.

“So, Y/N?” Dick asked Jason immediately as he entered the Manor.

“Yeah, what about her?”

“So, many questions: Was that a date? If no, will there be a date? Is there going to be a second date? Do you like her? Do you think we’ll like her? Does she know you’re Bruce Wayne’s son?” Dick rambled at his little brother.

“Okay hold on god damn, yes it was a date, yes there will be a second, yeah I think she’s cool and I like her, slow your roll Circus Boy, I don’t know when she’ll meet you lot, I don’t think she knows who I am, she’s from Metropolis, so I don’t think she knows the Waynes well.” Jason answered Dick with confidence.

“So you like her!” Steph mocked as she entered the hallway, probably heard her brothers talking about Y/N, so she wanted in on it. Somehow she had evaded Jason’s gaze though, so she startled him immensely.

“Jeez, how many of you will scare me today? And yeah, dumbass, I like her. But I’m doing this magical thing called ‘Not getting my god damn hopes up about her since it’s only the first date’ you hopeless romantic fucks.” Jason barked at them.

“Yeah, but you love us.” Dick said.

“That might be true, but your meddling is only going to cause chaos, Dick and Steph.”

“What about my meddling, Jay?” Bruce asked. Once again, he had heard the talking about Jason’s new crush and decided he’d parent the boy on his girl. Jason jumped out of his skin, because, he had once again, not seen Bruce enter the hallway despite his best efforts to not get startled again.

“You, are going to give me a heart attack.”

“Looks like this girl let your guard down.”

“Can we just go on patrol and stop badgering me?” Jason muttered under his breath.

“Nope!” Barbara exclaimed. Clearly, there’s a pattern with Waynes escaping Jason’s attempts to not get startled today, “We’re still going to badger you, Jay,” Barbara finished.

---------------------------------------

When Y/N made her way back to A/N, she couldn’t help but turn her radio as loud as she could and try to take the longer journey back home. Pieces of quiet and tranquility always surprised and drew her in. Like a good book on a Sunday morning before the rest of the bustling city of Gotham or Metropolis awoke itself. If New York never sleeps, she thought, then what the hell do Gotham and Metropolis call themselves. She laughed.

There were a few good things about Gotham, like the people you’d meet on the street at 4am were some of the weirdest but kindest people you’d ever know. It’s like the city radiated off of the energy of the people in it, and in spite of the villains constantly hitting the city with their worst, somehow everyone never let it get to them. It was admirable. Metropolis was the same in that avenue, but it didn’t feel like the cold Gotham streets.

Y/N thought Jason was one of the kinder people she had met in her travels and classes. And she never thought that she’d meet someone she liked this much in her criminal psychology class of all places, but hey, the universe had different pen strokes for her.

She went and parked her car in the driveway of the rental house she and A/N shared. Only the two of them shared it, but if either of them lost their jobs, they’d be looking for another roommate immediately. Pulling out her bag which was full of notes written by Jason, the original notes written by her, and binders upon binders of criminal cases she was looking into at the time, she would get out of her car and begin walking to her door.

Of course, like most people, she would kick off her heels the minute she walked through the doors of the house, to which, A/N paused her music and went to go question Y/N about Jason.

“So, you know how this works, babes, lay it on me, how’s hottie? Is he kind?” A/N pondered.

“He’s so kind, he paid the printing fees for my notes and rewrote all of them, I guess it’s a system for us now. I write the notes in class while he tries to take it all in, we meet up, and he rewrites them all and pays the printing fee.”

“He paid the fee?! At that college?” A/N said, completely shocked.

“Is that shocking?”

“Well, the printing fees are so fucking expensive, hun. Mans must have daddy’s money to do that.”

“Really? Well regardless money doesn’t matter, he’s kind and I can make a name for myself if I graduate at the top of my class.” She said, fully believing this. Smart woman. She knew she could do it.

“I believe in you, do you have homework tonight? I can make dinner for you so you can study.” A/N offered.

“Nah, I’m just going to go file my notes and shower, I’ll come join you and help after.”

“Well, don’t drown.” A/N joked.

“Do you know how much effort that would take?” She laughed as she walked towards her room, once she got there she pulled out her papers and began the slow filing process of them into her desk.

About 2 minutes into this, she got a text:

Hey stranger.

If someone had a heart monitor hooked up to her, they could have bet their last penny on her heart skipping a beat. 

Hey Jason. She sent back.

I had a fun time today with you, do you want to do the same thing tomorrow, I could use your fast writing skills to get by in classes. And I just like talking to you. What do you say?

She thought. Maybe something legit is here, hopefully I’m not just used for notes. She worried about that, since she was just a tad insecure about him. He was pretty. She knew she was a looker, sure. But he was something more.

I would love to go on another budget date with you.

Budget? Actually yeah, I guess it is budget lol. Maybe next time I’ll actually take you out to lunch like I said I would.

I, honestly, completely forgot you said you’d take me to lunch, I was just having fun as we were talking.

Me too. You’re a hoot.

A hoot? That’s a book nerd statement if I’ve ever heard one. She joked. She didn’t actually know if he was a book nerd at this time, but they had been joking the entire time when she was filing her notes. She was no where near done filing her notes, Jason was a distraction from that, it wasn’t that important, she would end up finishing it later. She just liked some semblance of organization so she didn’t have to put it off.

I’ll have you know I’ve probably read more books than you.

Well book nerds are cute.

Eventually the messages from Jason and Y/N started slowing, Y/N assumed he was tired or working so she took her chance to file her notes and start running her shower.

Sorry Y/N, this has been fun but I’m going to get really sparse with replies, I got work to do.

That’s fine! Where do you work, by the way?

And she got into the shower. Halfway through her shower her phone pinged, she assumed Jason was texting back, so when she finished her shower, before she even got her towel on, she decided to answer him:

I work at Wayne Enterprises with my dad. It’s quite fun.  He had said.

Oh! I’ve heard the owner of Wayne Enterprises is a lovely man, have you met him? She asked him back.

And within an instant, he answered.

He’s my dad, so yeah.

You’re the Jason Todd? Heir to the Wayne Manor and Wayne Enterprises? She started thinking back on what A/N had said. Yep, she thought, Daddy’s money indeed. She started to slip into her pajamas, which were literally a mess and not put together, because this is the real world, not every girl has matching sets, when he answered:

I hope that doesn’t change much, Y/N.

Explains the camera I saw but didn’t mention, and that’s about it.

You saw the cameras? Damn it. I tried to shield you, they may have pictured us together, sorry.

Worth it for a lovely date. I’ve seen worse, my mum works with Clark Kent, who I guess you probably know since he’s Bruce’s best friend, and the paparazzi loves to take Clark’s picture.

Oh yeah, Uncle Clark. Yeah, the pap love him. You get used to it. I guess you somewhat know my family lol.

Nah, that’s about all I know. Wasn’t really interested in drama about you lot because it’s just not my business. Probably not a shared ideal with the general public.

She finished getting dressed and went to go cook with A/N, and share the news.

----------------------------------

“Girl! You were right about daddy’s money oh my god,” Y/N said when she entered the kitchen.

“Go on,” A/N urged.

“You know Jason Todd? Guess what. That’s hottie from Crim Psych 101.”

“Are you serious? That’s insane. You’re probably plastered across the internet right now for that date,” A/N laughed, “are you scared to date a famous man?” She asked.

“No, he’s really sweet and if this gets serious, I can just block out the flashes.”

The two of them laughed and started cooking. A/N was Latina, so, of course, she was in charge to cook most nights. But Y/N made killer desserts and pizza. Tonight was fajitas, so Y/N kind of sat bat and let A/N do her thing. Trying to know more so one day A/N wouldn’t have to do all the work, Y/N went onto the internet and the first thing she saw?

Globally Revered Son of a Millionaire, Jason Todd, out on a DATE with a Mystery Girl?

Like clockwork, Jason answered:

I guess I have a lot to teach you, and I hope you haven’t been on the internet recently.

I have. Globally Revered Son of a Millionaire. She texted back.

Fuck those damn tabloids. He said, she couldn’t help but agree, the paparazzi seem like they’re very invested in stories that aren’t theirs to tell.

Can’t agree with you more. We should put on a show for them tomorrow, actually give them something to write about.

I like your thinking.

You’ve opened up a lot today.

Is it your turn now?

What do you want to know? You asked him before turning to A/N.

“Tabloids talk too much,” you sneered at her.

“Cat should get their tongue and choke on it,” she finished, “did you at least look cute in their pics?” she asked.

“Somehow. Wasn’t even posing,” Y/N finished.

“Well, food’s done, are you still hungry?”

“Always.”

--------------------------------------

Jason turned to his brother, Dick, Nightwing, and said, 

“She knows now.”

“That you’re rich?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess I have to be more wary of her now,” he sighed, “I hope she’s not in it for the Wayne fortune.”

“Doubt she is if she agreed the tabloids can suck it, Red Hood.”

“I pray you’re right.”

He then drew his guns and fired at the ground underneath their laest venture into crime-fighting. This was gonna be one hell of a ride Y/N embarked on, not even knowing what she was getting into.

[imagineclaireandjamie]

The High Road and the Low Road – Part Four

After learning the truth from Claire, a furious Brianna runs to Craig na Dun to prove her mother’s crazy only to fall through the stones herself. 

Part One, Part Two, Part Three

******************************************

Roger watched, speechless as the man scrambled down from his horse and awkwardly stumbled toward Claire, who rushed to meet him in a warm embrace.

“Wha– How? Claire, where have ye been these years? We despaired of ye and thought ye dead long ago,” Ian said as he pulled back from her, wiping a hand over his face. 

Roger finally noticed the man’s leg and the pieces slipped into place.

“The brother-in-law,” he said quietly.

Not quietly enough.

“Yes, Roger, this is Ian Murray. Jamie was his brother-in-law, married to his sister, Jenny. But how is Jenny?” Claire pressed on, ignoring Ian’s larger, more daunting questions. “Are she and the children well?”

Still too shocked by Claire’s appearing on the road, Ian blinked and fell into the habit of politeness. “Aye, Jenny’s well enough – and the bairns. We’ve a sight more’n when we last saw ye – grandbairns too. Claire… why? Why did ye no even write to tell us ye yet lived? Jamie never said… He must think ye dead.”

Roger saw Claire begin to sway where she stood and stepped forward, a steadying hand at her back. She leaned into him and nearly caused him to stumble.

“What do ye mean, Jamie thinks she’s dead?” Roger asked, Claire’s weight growing heavier and her breathing coming drawn and shaky.

“Who are you?” Ian asked rather than answer. “Claire, who is this lad?”

“Jamie’s alive?” Claire managed to ask, the reluctance and need to hope in each quiet word.

Ian’s face softened and the tears returned to his eyes. “Aye. Had a mind to die when he arrived, wounded in a wagon. But Jenny wouldna allow it. We thought… with the news of the battle and the army… and what they did after as they set upon the Highlands… We thought ye must be dead and Jamie… He didna say much but what little he did say was that ye were gone – lost.”

“He sent me away,” Claire murmured. She wasn’t leaning into Roger quite as heavily but he could feel her trembling with the shock. “He made me leave. He wanted to be sure we’d be safe.”

Ian looked to Roger with wide eyes but Roger shook his head and held out a hand. 

“Roger Wakefield. I’m a family friend.”

“Ian Murray, though ye kent that.”

“Claire’s mentioned ye, aye,” Roger confirmed. 

“Jamie’s alive,” Claire murmured again, this time with more conviction. “Where is he? Is he at Lallybroch? Do… do you think he would want to see me?”

“Oh, he’d want to see ye alright, though the shock of it might well stop him dead. He’s no at Lallybroch. Has a print shop in Edinburgh. I’m on my way there now, as it happens. My youngest lad – Ian – has up and left, scarin’ Jenny and me, though we ken that’s no his intent. I’d be more worrit did he no go to Jamie every time like a pup after its playmate. But Claire… If ye thought Jamie dead and ye didna write or come to us in the past twenty years… Why are ye here now? Did ye finally have a mind to tell us ye were safe?”

Claire blinked at Ian, awareness of the present returning to her slowly. She glanced at Roger and snapped the rest of the way back to herself.

“I’m looking for my daughter,” she admitted and, when she saw surprise and hope in Ian’s face, Claire confirmed, “She’s Jamie’s. He knew I carried a child and could see how hopeless it was by the time we reached Culloden. His name was on Prince Charles’ declaration – whatever happened he would be… So he decided it would be in battle, that he would go down fighting. But he made me go, knew I wouldn’t be safe at Lallybroch because I would be his widow. I got out and survived a journey to the colonies. I married a man there and he agreed to raise Brianna as his own–”

“Brianna?” Ian interrupted.

“I promised Jamie… It was the last thing he asked of me. All this time I thought he was…” Claire broke down and both men stepped forward to offer her comfort, inspiring a frustrated laugh instead. “The bloody man meant to die. If I’d thought…”

“Aye, Claire. I ken ye wouldna have gone and ye wouldna have kept yer distance,” Ian said. “But where’s the lass now? Now ye’re here and ken the truth, Jamie’ll want to see ye both.”

“I hadn’t told her growing up – the truth about her father. But my husband died and… He was the one who didn’t want her to know and once he was gone…”

“She didna take it well,” Roger added. “She ran off and we’ve come searchin’ for her.”

“Did ye tell her of Lallybroch? Would she be makin’ her way there?” Ian asked glancing back over his shoulder at the way he’d come.

“If you’d encountered her, you would have known her,” Clair assured him with a proud smile. “She looks too much like him.”

Ian chuckled and shook his head. “Well, I might as well help ye search for her. Young Ian will be safe enough wi’ Jamie in Edinburgh and I’d like to see Jamie’s face when I turn up wi’ his lost child for a change.”

Roger looked to Claire who had indeed somehow managed to turn paler.

“Ye’re sure she came this way?”

“We think she must be headed in tha’ direction,” Roger explained, distracting Ian from Claire till she could better collect herself. “More certain now ye’ve confirmed ye havana seen her already.”

Ian glanced back over his shoulder again, his brow furrowed.

“How long ago do ye expect she’d ha’ come through this way?” Ian asked.

“It would only have been sometime last night. We expected her to come back by morning on her own,” Roger said before catching himself – at least he hadn’t mentioned where they’d been when she went missing, Inverness being too far away for any of them to have gotten so far so fast.

But Ian led his horse over to the side of the road where the terrain began to dip again and a small, rundown cabin hid from view.

“My lad has a habit of restin’ there on his way through this stretch,” he told them. “Caught him up here once and tanned his hide by that tree. I’d guess he’d ha’ been here either last night or the day before if he’d managed to ride along wi’ someone passing through. There’s a chance… If yer lass truly has as much of Jamie’s looks as ye say…”

Claire started and Roger frowned.

“Ye cannae think… Brianna would never…” he objected. 

“I’m not so sure,” Claire said. “She is a Fraser, after all.”

Ian laughed. “Aye. They dinna always do what makes sense, especially if their hearts are muddled o’er something. And my lad’s a fair bit of the Mackenzie about him or he’d no have managed to sneak away and make it to Jamie in Edinburgh so many times. Actually, if he’s a companion, it just might slow him down enough to catch him up.” Ian turned to swing himself back up onto his horse. “I’ll ride ahead a ways and try to find ye horses, then swing back to meet ye as best I can.”

“Thank you, Ian,” Claire called.

“When we’ve more time I expect to hear more of yer travels and life in the colonies,” he told her. “And Jenny will have a fair few questions of her own.”

Claire watched him ride ahead, neither her nor Roger able to take a single step from their spont in the middle of the road.

“Jamie’s alive,” Roger said at last, his astonishment written across his face. 

Disbelief, hope and fear warred across Claire’s.

******************************************

Edinburgh was incredible. Brianna hadn’t been for more than a shopping trip with her mother early in their visit but that had only been a few weeks ago… for her. What would she make of Inverness? She’d spent more of the visit there and the surrounding area.

Ian had to take her hand and pull her along on several occasions so they wouldn’t be separated.

“Come along, cousin,” he said, causing her to frown. “Ye ken our uncle’s shop is this way.”

“When are you gonna stop doing that?” she hissed. It had been one thing when they were on the road and needed to project some sort of family relationship for their safety.

“Just a wee bit longer at least,” Ian teased. “There’s the sign.”

“A. Malcolm? What’s the ‘A’ for?”

“Alexander, but that’s no really his name – Malcolm either. They’re part of his given name but he couldna easily use his real name as he’s a bit notorious, ken?” Ian rambled excitedly, ushering Brianna forward through the shop door, a bell announcing their entrance.

“Geordie?” a voice called from the back room.

Brianna tried to move off to the side out of the way but Ian’s hand found its way to her back, gently guiding her closer to the counter.

“No, Uncle Jamie,” Ian answered. “It’s only me and I’ve someone I want ye to meet.”

Brianna had frozen at the name. Jamie. But there was no way… She hadn’t told Ian the name of the man her mother had claimed was her father and anyway, Jamie Fraser was dead. James must be as common a name as any and Jamie as well – look at all the Willies and Rabbies there were about.

But there was something in the way Ian was standing behind her, the energy of him, the teasing…

How could he possibly have guessed? How could Jamie Fraser be alive?

Footsteps approached and Brianna could hear the man speaking – scolding – as he made his way to the front of the store.

As soon as she saw him, she knew how Ian had known his uncle was her father. 

Her mother hadn’t lied when she said Brianna looked just like Jamie Fraser

[365days365movies]

May 10, 2021: Blade Runner 2049 (2017) (Recap: Part Two)

Said I’d talk about artificial humans in sci-fi, so...

There are a HELL of a lot of examples of artificial humans in science-fiction, as well as the ethical and philosophical concepts that their existence raises. Now, your definition of “artificial” may differ from medium to medium. At its base form, these are humans that are not born, but made. I’ll be talking fleshy organic humans, not robotic ones. The most common of these is, of course, clones.

A clone, strictly speaking, is a genetically identical copy of a pre-existing organism, in this case a human. While this isn’t technology we’ve applied to humans as of yet (due to the NUMEROUS ethical problems and questions), we have done so with animals, mostly sheep and cats. It’s actually a good way to de-extinct certain species, and we’ve already done experiments with that. Of course...that has its own concerns.

Keeping up the Jurassic Park reference streak! Anyway...

There are a FUCKTON of examples of clones in science-fiction, but since I’m a massive comic book nerd, I’ll use Superboy. The genetic combination of Superman and Lex Luthor, Conner Kent is one of the most prominent clone superheroes. He’s not the only clone of Superman, of course. He’s not even my favorite clone of Superman, to be honest...

Bizarro am the worst. ME WILL LIVE ON THAT HILL.

Oh, and let’s not forget THE most prominent artificial human in comic books PERIOD. I don’t care what her origin in the movies is, that’s never been my favorite version of Wonder Woman. Making her a demigod robs her of something important, in my opinion.

...Should I make a comic book blog? Shit, thinkin’ about it.

OK, before I do that, these are just my favorite examples. Fact is, there are FAR too many examples of artificial humans to go into, whether they’re built, grown, sculpted, conjured, or a chemical reaction with an extra ingredient in the concoction.

And look, I could go on all day about this, but we got a long-ass movie to get back to. SO, lets jump back in. Part One is here!

Recap (2/2)

Understandably exhausted, K returns home, confused and conflicted. However, he’s greeted with a surprise from Joi: a prostitute! Namely, this is Mariette (Mackenzie Davis), one of the girls who approached him earlier. Joi’s called her here in order to be “real” for K, the effect is impressive, if somewhat...off-putting. Still, while K obviously didn’t need this to be happy with their relationship, Joi might, and Mariette’s all on board.

And it doesn’t take K terrible long to get on board, either. As both Mariette and Joi strip, it makes me wonder...how much does this subscription service for Joi cost. There’s no goddamn way this is free, right? Like, how exclusive IS this AI? And they cut from that scene to a Joi commercial, where we hear that Joi becomes anything you want her to be, and does anything you want her to do. But something tells me that...well, that it’s not quite so simple.

Once the night is over, Joi tells Mariette to leave, and not nicely either. Mariette leaves, rebuking her on the way out as well. K, meanwhile, knows that the Blade Runners will soon be coming after him. He’ll be going on the run, and Joi wants to go with him. And so, they put her inside of a remote device, while deleting her information from the main apartment console. This gets the attention of Luv, who head over to the apartment to figure out what’s going on.

K goes to Doc Badger (Barkhad Adbi), who analyzes the horse for him. It’s discovered that old radiation can be found there, and that amount and kind of radiation can only be found in areas where a dirty bomb has been set off. This would be in the desolate and weird-ass ruins of Las Vegas. While nobody lives there at this point, K and Joi go to check it out.

An IMMENSELY frustrated Luv, unaware of K’s discovery about himself, goes to confront Joshi about K’s whereabouts. Luv berates her for being afraid of change, and tells her that she “can’t fend off the tide with a broom”. Which is a great line. However, as Joshi is no use to her at this point, Luv just straight up kills her. Which, I’m sure, will go over well with the whole “Replicants aren’t dangerous” thing.

Meanwhile, in Vegas...shit is WEIRD. First off all, the desolate wasteland is full of statues of giant sexy wimmin, and I mean GIANT statues. Beneath one of them is a series of beehives, which K goes into to get a hand of beeeees. After that, he goes into an abandoned hotel/casino, rigged with tripwires and booby traps. OK. What.

So, somebody’s using this place as a hideaway, despite the entire city being destroyed by a dirty bomb, and probably extremely radioactive. K searches around and finds it empty. He begins to play a piano, hoping to draw someone out. He ends up drawing out a dog, as well as the inhabitant of the hotel.

Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), baby! Quoting Stevenson’s Treasure Island and holding K up at gunpoint with dog at side is the original Blade Runner himself, Rick Fucking Deckard. God, I love this. Deckard hunts K down throughout the casino, where we see some trippy holograms, and the future of Vegas stageshows (probably).

The two fight, but eventually call a truce and decide to get a drink at the bar. K gets to it pretty quickly, and confronts Deckard on his potential child with Rachael. He confirms that Rachael was indeed pregnant by him, but he had never met his child. Which was the plan, to be fair. He wanted their child to be protected, not hunted down and eventually dissected.

Sometimes, to love someone...you gotta be a stranger.

To an old Frank Sinatra song, a forlorn K (now calling himself “Joe”) looks around, and sees carved wooden animals that resemble the horse that’s haunted his life and memories so much by this point. Which makes sense, considering the foil unicorn from the previous film. Neat little tie-in there.

But paradise is not all it’s cracked up to be, as someone soon comes to find both K and Deckard, despite the fact that K came alone. Although, now that I think about it, Joi may not be one that you can truly trust. Deckard and K try to escape their pursuers, but are caught pretty quickly. In the process, K is injured, but manages to get up in order to fight back. However, this is Luv with these people, and she beats K down EASILY. Turns out that Luv is actually an enforcer, rather than just a secretary. And when Joi awakens from K’s device to ask her to stop, well...she kills the device, and she kills K. In the process, she also takes Deckard away, leaving K behind. Fuck.

K wakes up, only to discover Mariette standing over him in the Las Vegas wasteland. She takes care of him as he wakes up, also stitching up with wounds from the explosion. She tells K to trust her, as well as her compatriots. One of them is the hooded woman from earlier, a Replicant named Freysa (Hiam Abbass). An old friend of Sapper’s she saw the delivery of the child, the “miracle”, and also hid the child away, as it was a symbol that the Replicants are more than just slave, that they are their own masters.

Freysa is building a revolution in order to free the Replicants once and for all. And I’m hard-pressed to disagree with their cause, not gonna lie. However, this comes at a price. In order to prevent Wallace from killing the cause, K must prevent Deckard from leading them to Freysa. They must do what they can until they can reveal the child to the world. For she will be their leader.

Fuck.

Understandably COMPLETELY crushed at this revelation, and more confused than ever, K collapses. Freysa tells him that they ALL wish they were the one, and they all believe. It’s at this point, that K realizes exactly who the Hybrid is: Dr. Ana Stelline. The horse from earlier, it turns out, did in fact belong to her, and she planted her childhood memory with the horse in K’s mind as a Replicant. Damn. DAMN! That’s why the memory moved her so: because it was hers.

Meanwhile, Deckard awakens to a separate nightmare: Jared Leto telling him how he feels about him. After all, Deckard helped to create the first Replicant-human hybrid. He asks him for his help in obtaining the child, so that the key of Replicant reproduction can be further unlocked. And he proceeds in convincing Deckard by playing audio of Rachael and his first meeting (from the first film, of course).

Niander fucks with him further, by suggesting Deckard was summoned all those years ago specifically to fall in love with Rachael in order to father a child with her. But despite all of this, Deckard refuses to give up any of his information. And so, Niander pulls out his ace-in-the-hole...and it’s a real shitty thing to do to a man in mourning. 

Damn. Dude rebuilt Rachael, tries to tempt Deckard with her, FAILS, then lets Luv shoot her in the head. Fucking power move, and fuck Niander for playing it. Dude is a DICK. Meanwhile. that one visual from every single ad of this movie is happening, and I can FINALLY use one of the 8000 GIFs of it, goddamn.

Not gonna lie, it’s an iconic appearance, so I get why it’s so famous. Anyway, K considers a suicidal option, now that he knows the truth. However, before we get to see the final decision, we get to see Deckard being taken back to LA for interrogation by Wallace. However, to prevent him from potentially leading Wallace to the secret of Ana Stelline, K suddenly appears, opening fire on their ship.

The craft is downed, and K exits the car to engage in a firefight with Luv. He appears to win, but Luv isn’t killed once she’s shot. The two have a fistfight out in the rain, and Deckard waits for water to slowly kill the craft that he’s still inside of.

As expected, Luv handles herself well, and despite a number of close calls, she JUST. WILL. NOT. DIE. Damn, she’s resilient. However, despite K, Luv, and Deckard all nearly drowning in an INTENSE fight between the Replicants, an enraged and crazed Luv finally eventually drowns, ending her threat for good. 

K saves Deckard from the sinking ship, and agrees to stage his death, allowing him to meet his daughter for the first time. Once at her facility, K returns Deckard’s horse to him, knowing that it was a gift from him. He tells Deckard that his best memories all come from her, implying that this makes him similar to Deckard’s son, which he picks up on when he asks if he’s OK.

Deckard goes to meet his daughter, and K hangs out on the stairs outside. He feels the snow fall on his hand, and he just...watches it all fall around him. He sits, and he watches it all. And meanwhile, Deckard meets his daughter for the first time.

...Can I just say...GODDAMN!

That movie was absolutely stellar, and it’s definitely landing in the high ‘90s for me, calling it now. I...wow. Seriously. Amazing.

See you in the Review!

[fandom-writer642]

Stone Skipping Final Part

Summary: The Batfamily has always been so crazy that no one notices the silent sister. She’s made her way through college with no one else realizing, sometimes forgetting about her completely. How many times can she bounce back before sinking?

Warnings: Angst?

Request: Part one wasn’t.

Pairing?: Family; Batfamily x Sister! Reader a small bit of Bart Allen x Reader at the end.

———

The CCPD was calmer than normal, no crimes from any of the rouges but it could not be said by some of the other cities in the country. Work was simple, a catch up day of reports for most. (Y/n) Wayne was looking through a few cases that were thought to be linked. She had been working for the CCPD for the past two years, starting the job in her last year of college.

It had been five years since Damian and her moved to Central City. Damian worked as a veterinarian not too far, though (Y/n) said he would’ve been a good asset to the Police Department as a detective. Both left the lives they lived in Gotham behind, not wanting to go back. They may be the biological heirs to the company but they knew Tim could handle it just fine. Neither (Y/n) or Damian ever made a move to talk to their dad or brothers. Alfred was the only one allowed to stay with them.

"(Y/n), there are two men asking to talk to you," an officer stated.

"What are their names? Because if it's my dad or brother's I don't want to speak with them."

The guy nodded and walked away to go talk to the pair that wanted to talk to her. Quickly she compared fingerprints and weapons from a recent case to one that happened a few months back. The crimes were very similar, too similar in the way they were planned, they had to be connected in some way or shape.

“(Y/n), they said their names were Bart Allen and Jon Kent. Do you still want them to come in?”

A smile graced the young woman’s face and she nodded, “Yes right away.”

Jon, Bart, Damian and (Y/n) were all close friends. They helped each other out and helped each other through school. More often than that they just hung out like normal people and lived normal lives. Inside jokes and random visits were a normalcy among the group, not one falter was possible between them. (Y/n) was going to guess that the man was new to the station since everyone knew who Jon and Bart were. Looking up as two figures she stood up sharply a glare in her eyes. Now she was certain the man was new or paid off, no one would let those two in to talk to her. It was common knowledge that the (Y/n) and Damian Wayne didn't talk to the rest of their family and everyone knew who was in the group.

She tapped her bracelet that went unnoticed at the sight of the two. Damian would come as soon as possible, as would Bart and Jon. She needed to get away from these two, now.

"Sit down sis, we just want to chat."

"There is nothing to chat about Timothy. Why did you and Richard come? You know I want nothing to do with Gotham or the rest of our family. So why are you two bothering me while I'm clearly working?"

Both men frowned at her, "Look we just wanted to apologize about-"

"About what?” (Y/n) cut off. She was well aware that her co-workers were getting ready to move the two young men if needed. “About forgetting my existence for all the time you’ve known me? Only showing you cared when I left for Central? Richard, Timothy, if you wanted anytime to apologize then it should have been soon after I left. It’s been five years, not five weeks, five years. I’ve made a life for myself and so has Damian, we don’t plan on leaving our new lives.

“If you wished to apologize then go ahead apologize, that doesn’t mean a I’ll be forgiving you for what you did. You can talk to Damian, that is if he doesn’t punch you first.” She nodded as she looked past the two and to her friends and little brother. None of them looked happy, in fact Damian looked ready to murder both of them, Tim mostly.

“Honestly, don’t you remember when we skipped stones?” Dick tried to get to her. All he got was a blank look and a nod. “We had fun and we were siblings.”

“The key words in that sentence are had and were. Dick, you have no right to come here and make sure she talks to you.”

Dick looked at Bart in surprise of what came out of the young speedster’s mouth. Jon nodded in agreement and Damian was faster than you could blink. One second he was next to Jon and the next he was in front of Tim. The only things holding back were his morals and Jon’s grip on his arm.

“(Y/n) we can remove them from the premises if you wish.”

“That won’t be necessary Captain. I’m sorry for the disruption, may I leave early?”

“Of course.”

The woman packed her things and grabbed Tim’s and Dick’s arms before dragging them out with her three boys behind her, all chuckling in amusement. Soon they reached a small diner where the six got a table.

“Why are you two here?” (Y/n) questioned. She looked Tim dead in the eye and he couldn’t help but remember the night she had left, the day right before Damian’s graduation. Dick couldn’t believe how much his sister had grown from when he last saw her on Christmas about six or seven years back.

“We wanted to talk,” Dick replied, he was trying hard to stay calm but couldn’t as Jon sat next to him, giving him pointed glares.

Damian rolled his eyes from across Jon, “Well, we’re talking. You better say what you need to by the time this early dinner ends. We have places to be.”

“The winter festival,” Tim guessed. “We know what you four have been up to for the past few years. You all volunteer at homeless shelters, help out where ever your needed, only as your civil identities. You four are like everyday heroes that help with the small stuff.”

“While that is all correct, why have you been keeping tabs on us in the first place?” Damian questioned, his eyes zeroed in on the older men.

Dick shrugged, “Wanted to make sure our little siblings are well and safe.”

The two Waynes scoffed and rolled their eyes, glancing down at the menus. They both doubted that was the reason why they tried to corner (Y/n) at her job. The waitress took their drink orders and hurried off but the tension still stood.

“Look, why are you really here? What could you possibly know?”

“Enough,” Tim said causally. “Damian’s a veterinarian, not that I’m surprised by that. You’re a forensic sciencetist, that was a little startling seeing as you went to medical school. Jon’s a journalist like Clark, one of the best actually which is surprising, I always remembered you as a goof ball. Bart is also a scienctist that specializes in physics. All four of you live in Central City, right across the hall from each other in fact. (Y/n) and Damian live in the same apartment that the had moved into and Jon and Bart live as roommates right around the hall. However, Jon and Damian spend more time with each other while Bart and (Y/n) spend more time with each other. Should we be worried about that?”

“Should you even care?” Bart snapped. “These are our personal lives and no offense Drake, we don’t want you in it. You had your shot and you missed it.”

“Look, we just want to set a new play field,” Dick began. “We don’t have to be friends though we’d prefer it. We know being siblings is out of the question so friends?”

“Acquaintances,” Damian spoke up. “We’ll see about friends in the future but we’re acquaintances. I don’t forgive you for what you’ve done and by the look in (Y/n)’s not forgiving you guys either.”

“Damian’s correct, I don’t forgive you and nor will I be your friend at this time. We will only be acquaintances and nothing more. I have not intention on being your sister in any time.”

The six sat in silence, a little less tension than before. Soon after dinner was over they went their separate ways. Though Dick and Tim were not Damian and (Y/n)’s siblings and would never be, perhaps becoming friends would be better. The pair went back to Gotham and informed everyone of what had happened, no one was overly pleased. The group of four however enjoyed the rest of their evening laughing and talking all happy that the festival was taking place.

There were things that had changed over the past five years like stones being skipped.

First, Damian stopped being so serious and stiff. He would talk, laugh, and joke like most people his age would. He enjoyed his life as he lived it and didn’t insult people unless they deserved it. The press and media saw the change of the Past Gotham Prince and people saw him as he had truly become. A young man with a love for animals who was actually a truly caring person that would help anyone and everyone.

Second, (Y/n) had let her emotions take more control over her thoughts and actions than she normally had. She was able to help as many people as she could both in and out of her job. She was great at her job and people seemed to recognize her as more than just a silent and pretty face. She was a smart woman and was ready for most anything and to help those who needed it. She wasn’t Gotham City’s princess anymore but a Central City Hero.

Third, Jon had indeed moved to Central City and followed Clark’s footsteps as he became one of the best journalists known around the nation. He gave his adoptive parents a run for their money as he wrote and got his stories published. His powers helped him, especially his super hearing which could pick up most conversations that he wanted to hear. He was a favorite in Central City for his writing, it was something that surprised those closest to him but he had a natural talent for it.

Fourth, Bart gave up the superhero gig and started a normal life. He’d get called in about once every year for an extreme emergency and that was all he’d listen to. He didn’t have an easy job as a physicist as it was a complicated task but he enjoyed it none the less. He was one of the best in the city.

Fifth, Bart and (Y/n) had gotten together, but they didn’t go public. Last thing they wanted was for the press and media to find out so they just acted like good friends in front of people. It hasn’t changed the group’s dynamic at all, they were all great friends and that would never stop.

They had changed into people they never thought they would be. All four were happy, glad to have each other and glad to have left.

“Stone skipping?” Damian asked as they got hot chocolate.

“I was naive, thought it was fun. I liked to see how far I could get it to skip before sinking.”

The group smiled and joked around, teasing each other as the winter festival brought joy to everyone there. Even so, Damian couldn’t help but think that people themselves were like skipping stones, they could only go so far before they sunk to their lowest point. It was only a matter of time before someone went to pick them back up again and test how far they could go once again and doing better than before, perhaps even reaching the goal that was set. It was a never ending cycle and he couldn’t help but smile even more as he realized that his sister was like an embodiment of that cycle.

———

Note: I don’t know why, but writing the last part made me very emotional. When writing this chapter I realized what Damian had and I hope I’ve entertained you! You can message me request if you want me to write something but I hope you all have a good day and enjoyed what I wrote. Also shoutout to @lizlil for being so kind and writing what she had. But shoutout to everyone that liked the story or commented on them.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“I want a divorce” - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Well. The title is rather self-explanatory. Hope you’ll like it ;) : 

My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives

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                                                     ******

It wasn’t a rare occurrence for the youngest Wayne boy to barge uninvited in the Kent’s household. He’d come to play video games with Jon, or to just hang out with his friend. 

More often than not, he’d stay for lunch (and of course compare every single thing made with what his mom or Alfred make). And though he never called to say when he would come, apparently thinking it uncessary to do so, he was always welcomed. 

He was such a good friend to Jon, that neither Clark nor Lois minded. Both boys had a good influence on the other, as surprising as this might sound. Besides, Jon too, often went to Wayne Manor uninvited. 

Though unlike the Kents, Bruce grumbled about it all the time. 

Mainly because the kid always flew there using his powers. Your husband told Clark countless times to just ask and he would send a helicopter to fetch him…of course, only Bruce Wayne would think it reasonable to get a helicopter instead of his son flying discreetly there (he always made sure to land in the forrest next to Wayne Manor, so no one would notice him).

Yes, Damian was always welcomed in the Kents’ house, wether he was invited or not. Lately, Lois even managed to make him do the dishes, a feat that she was very proud of. 

Oh and if only she knew that you were the one responsible for that change in your son. One day Jon was visiting and helping Alfred to clean up after diner, and you were thanking him. That’s Superman’s son “betrayed” his friend and made a comment about Damian never helping out when he visited his house, which made you scold him and tell him that it was the polite thing to do to at least offer some help ! 

You’d never tell Lois of course. It was better that she thought she was the one convincing your son to do it. 

Today was one of those unplanned visit. 

Damian knocked on the door (which should have been the first sign that something was wrong, as usually he would directly climb through Jon’s bedroom window. What was it with those Wayne boys and not using doors ?). 

Clark was the one to open and was indeed more surprised that the boy knocked rather than him being here uninvited.

“Hello Mr. Kent, is Jon here ?”

“Mr Kent” ? Asking politely if his son was here and not just making himself at home by coming in ? Clark had no shadow of a doubt that this was your doing. You probably had a little conversation with him about the fact that climbing through people’s windows wasn’t very nice. 

Only you, could make your youngest son behave like that.

“Hi Damian. And yes, he’s upstairs doing his homework. Come on in.”

“His homework ? Maybe I should come back later, then ? I don’t want to bother him, or you.”

That genuinely rendered Clark speechless. Has his best friend’s son been replaced by someone else ? A form of alien body snatcher or something ? Since when did Damian care about wether Jon was busy or not ? Not that he would impose himself if he really was, but homework ? Damian would usually help him out with it so it would be done fast and then they could hang out. 

Clark was staring at the boy with his mouth open, not sure wether it was really Damian Wayne in front of him or not, when Lois walked past them and noticed the boy.

“Oh hey there Damian, coming to see Jon ?”

By saying that, she was expecting a sarcastic : “oh no, I came here to visit the neighborhood, I’m very interested in real estate” or something of the like, as obviously he was coming to see Jon. But she liked little snarky Damian, he made her laugh, which is why she asked him “dumb” questions on purpose sometimes. So she was very surprised when instead, he said : 

“I was, but he’s doing his homework so I should come back later when he’s not busy. I don’t want to be a nuisance or anything.”

Lois stopped in her track. For a few seconds, she wasn’t sure wether the boy was serious or just extremely sarcastic (just like you). But after observing him for a while, she could clearly see he was being genuine. She looked at Damian curiously. 

Which made the boy uncomfortable. Why were they staring at him like that ? What was their problem ? Were they having a brain aneurysm or something ?  Should he just…leave ? Or should he make sure they were ok first ?

But before Damian could do anything, Jon came downstairs and saw all of them bundled up at the front door.

“What’s going on here ? Mom ? Dad ? …Oh hey Damian !”

“Hi. Are you done with your homework ?”

“Oh yeah, it was easy peasy ! Hey come on, I just got to a new level in « Cheese Viking » and unlocked new weapons !!”

Jon ran back upstairs, not even noticing that his parents seemed to be frozen in their place, staring intently at Damian. Your son stared back for a few seconds, wondering what got into them, before following Jon up.

There was a few moments of silence, before Clark turned to his wife and said :

“Did he just…Was he just being…”

“Weirdly polite and considerate ?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah. Must be (Y/N)’s doing.”

“Must be.”

They both looked towards the stairs where their son and Damian disappeared just a few seconds before, and looked at each other again.

Damian was always more polite and nice when you were around. It seemed like you had this positive effect on your family, managing to get the best out of your children, out of Bruce. 

Around you, they always were more relaxed and happy, which made them act in a nicer way. Not because they were afraid of you and your wrath (well, maybe that a little, and it was well known that you highly disliked impolite people), but because you just had that soothing effect on them. 

They just felt better when around you, which made them behave in a lighter, more optimistic way.  To be honest, most of the time, you didn’t even make them behave in a nicer way on purpose, they just…became softer when you were around. 

Clark always saw a clear shift in Bruce’s mood, when he was out on long missions for the Justice League and wasn’t able to see you for days, even weeks at a time. It always made him more…More like when he first met Clark and you weren’t in the picture yet. 

He was moodier, less patient, more snappy and violent. 

More than once Clark asked “how is (Y/N) doing ?” to Bruce when the man was being particularly annoying and harsh, just so that he would lift up his mood (and by extension, get off his back a little). 

Bruce, as Batman or not, would always have a fond expression on his face, even a quick dumb smile before getting his emotions back in check, at the mere mention of you. 

The members of the Justice League often used your name to defuze delicate situation with the Batman. He could get so severe and unforgiving, they were very thanksful for your existence and the way you seemed to, even when you weren’t there, make him soften up. Make him more human, or rather, allowing this human side of him to surface without him wanting to immediately suppress his feelings so he would never get hurt again. 

Now of course he was still very much the intimidating and stoic Batman wether you were around or not, but he just had moments of...”weakness” (or strength, really), where his expression softened, and he let go of certain things he would usually not let go of. 

He’d still stare dagger into anyone mentioning that fact though. 

And this sort of soothing effect you had ? It worked on all your children too.

Dick got down from irattional anger more than once because someone said something like “what would your mom think of you right now ?”. 

Jason stopped killing because he saw how much it hurt you, and finally came to understand his father’s point of view thanks to you.

Tim would get out of his « focused » mode (the moments when he was so into something that he didn’t hear anything around him, and would forget to eat and sleep) if he heard your name, and talking about you and your worries for him would always be a sure way to get him to bed. 

Cassandra was less afraid to talk and show her emotions, when you were there. She felt safe and warm and minded less to show her true self. 

And Damian…Well Damian was overall just more agreable and polite when you were around. Because you made him want to be a better person. He wanted to show you he wasn’t the boy the Al’Ghuls raised, but your boy. 

One that was compassionate and that cared about others.

So yeah, he would be nicer when you were around. He was nicer overall, of course, compared to when he first came in your life…But he was also his father’s son, which meant that sometimes, he’d get arrogant, patronizing even. 

But oh well, you never wanted to change him per se, you just wanted to make him feel loved and safe. It was a bonus really, that thanks to that Damian showed his true color. 

He was never a ruthless warrior who killed without regret, and who wanted power. He was actually a very sensitive boy…but that of course, was a little secret between you, him, his siblings, father and Alfred. 

He couldn’t risk others to think he was a total softie, which is why sometimes he could be a bit…well, smug and annoying, really. 

Even with you, to be honest. There were times he thought he knew everything better than everyone else and drove you completely crazy. But he couldn’t be perfect. He was still a human. Of course sometimes he’d get on your nerve, especially as he was entering his teen years…

In any case, your presence made him want to be better, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t sometimes act all smug and all (he was his father’s son after all...Plus, you too could be highly sarcastic, petty and cynical, not letting anyone walk on your feet, and a bit too brutally honest at times). 

And with the Kents ? Especially with Clark and Jon (he always seemed to be a bit softer with Lois, and she was pretty sure it was because she somehow reminded him of you), he could be a little asshole. And he most definitely never cared about wether Jon was doing his homework or not. 

If he wanted to see him, then he’d just invite himself in the house without worries of inconveniencing them. 

So for Damian to act like he just did, unsure and worried he would bother them, both Lois and Clark were pretty sure you must have scolded him for some reasons…But oh, they were actually rather far from the truth.

************

“Are you okay Damian ?” 

“Huh ?”

Damian turned to Clark and looked at him blankly for a few seconds. They were around the kitchen table, eating dessert, and the boy was clearly someplace else, lost in his thoughts. Damian answered : 

“Yes, the pie is very good. Good job, Mrs. Kent.”

Ok. Definitely not the answer Clark and his family were expecting. It was clear that Damian didn’t hear a word of what Superman said, and just answered automatically to a question the man often asked him when it was dessert time.

“Um, Damian ?”

The boy looked up at Clark with a questioning look in his eyes, before the man continued : 

“Are you okay ?” 

There was a few more seconds of silence, where it seemed like Damian was pondering his answer, before he finally said : 

“...Yes ?” 

Which definitely didn’t sound convincing. And did not sound like something Damian would say. The boy was always so sure of himself...Lois exchanged a look with her husband and son, and they all stared at him. He didn’t even seem to really notice it, as he was once more deep in his thoughts. 

It wasn’t like Damian Wayne, to be daydreaming that much and answering questions half-heartedly like that. If a question annoyed him, he’d just get very snarky and be done with it. But here ? Right now ? He suddenly seemed like a little kid who lost his parents in a crowded mall. 

He was looking right through them, and a strange lingering sadness fell heavy in his eyes...Clark asked, once again : 

“Are you sure you’re okay, chum ?” 

The question seemed to surprise Damian, and he turned back to Clark. He just stared at the man for a little while, before answering in a low voice, almost a whisper :  

“I-I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean, you don’t know ?”

“I-I came here hoping it would take my mind off of something. Playing video games with Jon usually makes me forget some of my worries. But-But it’s not working today.” 

Touched by the fact that Damian came to his house when he felt a bit overwhelmed, Clark answered, his voice soft and reassuring : 

“What is the matter, champ ?” 

There was yet another silent. Damian was staring at his pie, refusing to raise his eyes because...Oh God. Clark, Lois and Jon quickly realized why Damian was averting their gaze, and they had no idea how to react to that.

He was crying. 

Damian was crying. 

His tears falling heavily on his piece of apple pie. Out of reflex, Clark reached for his shoulder and...And something very unexpected happened. It kind of freaked the mighty Superman out.

Damian jumped out of his chair and into Clark’s arms, burying his face in his shirt and sobbing slowly. What the hell happened, to put him in such a state ? Even during very difficult time, Clark never saw the boy shed a tear. Never. 

“My-I think my-I...My parents, I think they’re going to divorce !” 

He managed to finally say in between hiccups, and suddenly everything made sense to Clark and his family. 

Divorce ? You and Bruce ? How was it even possible ? Clark never saw anyone as deep in love as you two were...What happened ? 

************

The night before, Damian couldn’t sleep and whenever this happened, he would walk around the Manor until he would get tired. He would usually avoid going anywhere near his parents’ bedroom, for obvious reasons...But he was getting very sleepy and didn’t even realize his feet were directing him towards there. 

Once he realized, he made a face and was about to quickly turn around before hearing anything that would make him want to vomit...When he heard his mom yell angrily, which was definitely not a sound he was used to hear coming from this room.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, the saying went. And Damian would soon realize that he would have rather not being so curious that day...

“How could you do this to me Bruce ?!” 

He heard you yell, and you sounded so mad...Damian’s heart skipped a beat. What did his father do ?

“Come on (Y/N), you’re being unreasonable !” 

“I am not ! You’re just being such a jerk, why ? Why did you do this ?” 

What did his father do ?! Damian, ear against their bedroom door, was listening intently, his heart beating faster than ever. He never heard his parents fight, genuinely fight ! He saw them argue a few times, but they never yelled at each others like that ! 

This had to be serious. 

“I had to (Y/N), and you know it !” 

“You had to ? Does...Does any of this even matter to you, Bruce ? Do I matter to you ?”

“You know you do !”

“Then why did you betray me like that ? Why ?”

“Because that was my only option !”

“No it wasn’t ! You could’ve...you could’ve...You know what ? I’ve had enough !”

“You’ve had enough ?” 

Damian’s mind was running a hundred miles per hour, trying to figure out what his father could have done to anger you so much ! It must have been something terrible ! And the tone his father used when he said “you’ve had enough ?”, it sounded like he was almost desperate...

“Yes. This is the straw that broke the camel. I’m done. I’m so done.”

“What do you mean ? You can’t be done we-”

“Yes I can. And I am. You know what Bruce ? I always knew you’d break my heart one day. I just...” 

Damian’s heart stopped. What was happening ? 

“I just never thought it would be in such a way.”

“(Y/N) I-” 

“I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses. Any more of your lies. You said you would never do this, and yet...Yet here we are.” 

“I’m really-” 

“I said I didn’t want to hear you anymore. You went too far. You know you went too far. And I can’t find the strength in me to forgive you this time...I just can’t...” 

“So what ? You’re just gonna leave then ? Give up ?” 

“Yes Bruce. Yes. Exactly. That’s what I’m going to do. I gave you so many chances Bruce, so many. But you just never change, do you ? I hoped...I hoped I could convince you to...I...I was wrong.” 

“Clearly.” 

No ! No what was his dad doing ?! Damian wanted to burst into the room and yell that whatever Bruce did, he should apologies again and again, until you’d believe him. Why would he take such a cold tone now ? Why would he...Why ?! 

Oh but Damian knew his dad better than a lot of people. He knew that when cornered, his father could swallow up all his emotions and become a machine. He knew that if pushed far enough, his father would push back with triple the force. And so when Damian heard the coldness in his father’s voice, he understood that this was it. 

“I can’t believe I trusted you.” 

“It’s not my fault you were so naive. You can only be mad at yourself, (Y/N).” 

“How dare you say that to me ?! When I always supported you in everything you did ?!” 

“What do you want me to say, (Y/N) ?! You don’t want to hear my apologies, you don’t want to hear the truth, you-”

“The truth ? THE TRUTH ?! YOU MEAN THAT YOU’RE A TRAITOR THAT HOLDS NOTHING SACRED ?! NOT EVEN YOUR WIFE’S TRUST ?!” 

This was getting so out of hand. What did his father do ? What did his father do ?! Damian’s heart couldn’t stop from beating hard. What should he do ? Should he intervene ? But he never had the time to...

He had no idea what happened in there, but after a short silence, your voice raised again saying, lower than before, and clearly saddened : 

“So that’s it huh ? That’s all you have to say then ?” 

“Yes. You won’t listen to me anyway, no matter what. You’re done ? When I’m done too. I did what I had to. I’m sorry you got hurt in the process, but that needed to be done.” 

Another silence. A heavy one. A silence so deep that all Damian could hear was his rapid beating heart. When finally, you talked again : 

“Ok. So that’s how it is. Those are your last words ?”

“Yes.” 

“Ok then...Well, I want a divorce if that’s how it’s going to be !”

Damian’s blood froze in his veins, as he heard those words coming out of his parents’ room.

Wh…What ?

A divorce ? No. No this couldn’t be ! What was going to happen to the family, if you divorced ? And what did his father do to make you want to divorce ? It seemed like it was only the day before that he saw you two be grossly in love...And it was the day before ! 

What happened ? Or maybe...Maybe it was all just a facade ? 

Damian remembers reading somewhere that a lot of couples that want to divorce stay together just for the kids. Even if they can’t stand each others anymore, they won’t split up so they can raise their children in a “normal” household. 

And that definitely sounds like something you two would do,  if you fell out of love or something...Damian always thought you loved each others deeply, and that it would never end, but what if it did ? What if the love you both had for your children was the only thing holding you two together ? 

And what if whatever his father did, finally broke this bond ? Finally made you want to truly leave ? 

Divorce. 

The word sounded awful in his mind. And he felt like he was about to cry...What would happen, if you divorced ? With whom would he live ? He didn’t want to see less of you or of his father because you two weren’t together anymore ! 

Divorce. No. This wasn’t possible...And yet. Yet as Damian heard your footstep go to the bedroom door, he had to face the truth. 

Your son quickly hid in the shadows of the corridor so you wouldn’t see him as you exited the bedroom, as he was pretty sure he wasn't ready to face you just yet, after learning such an awful news...

You stopped at the door frame and turned around, saying : 

“I’m going to sleep in one of the guest room. The further from you I can.” 

“Fine.” 

“Fine.” 

And on that note, you slammed the door shut and walked, without looking back, towards the East wing of the Manor. Indeed, the opposite of where your room was...

When you slammed the door, it didn’t shut off properly as it bounced on the frame, and so the door was still slightly opened. Damian peaked in, and what he saw convinced him that you and his father were truly going to divorce. 

Bruce was sitting on the bed, facing the wall so that Damian could see his face. And he looked...broken. Sad. So sad. 

It could only mean one thing. If you did divorce, it wouldn’t be Bruce’s choice but yours. Which meant...You finally gave up. 

Damian had no idea what his father did, but he knew that he already hurt you many times. When he used to have his “dark days”. When he was unfairly harsh at times, too deep into his Batman persona. When...When...

Bruce wasn’t always easy and sweet on you. He could be a very difficult man to live with. But Damian always thought you could handle it, after all, you did for so many years...But he guessed that even the best snapped. 

Divorce. 

Damian hated that word. 

************

After witnessing you and Bruce fight, Damian definitely couldn’t fall asleep anymore. He couldn’t go to you, or to his father for comfort of course...so he went to the next best thing, his sibling.

He went to his sister first.

Cass opened her eyes groggily, and was met with a distressed Damian...Which instantly awoken her. She sat up in bed and said, tensed : 

“Damian, problem ?” 

But Damian wouldn’t tell her yet. He guided her through the Manor, and to Tim’s room before waking him up too (way more aggressively than how he woke Cass up). 

“Ah oh no I didn’t ask for licorice ice cream ! Please spare me !” 

Tim yelled, jumping out of his bed in a panic. For a few seconds, Damian forgot the awful thing he just witnessed to judge the hell out of his brother...But just for a few mere seconds, before his sadness crept once again in his bones. 

“What’s happening ? What is it ? Are we under attack ?!” 

Tim continued, rubbing his eyes and looking around the room haphazardly, grabbing his blanket as a “weapon”. Until he finally noticed Damian and Cassandra. He was about to get mad when he spotted his little brother’s expression. The hell happened, why did he look so heartbroken ?! 

An ancient “older bro” instinct grabbed his soul, and he grabbed Damian by the shoulders, looked at him right in the eye and asked : 

“What’s the matter Dam’ ?” 

************

“Don’t be ridiculous Damian, mom and dad would NEVER divorce, they’re much too in love for that !”

Tim said, wide awake now. Yes. This was just ridiculous. Everyone could see how in love his parents were. They always rubbed in in everyone’s nose, wether intentionally or not. 

“Well I thought so too ! But then I heard them arguing, father said that mom was being unreasonable, and mom said that she wasn’t, and talked about wanting a divorce !”

“You actually heard her say that ? Are you sure you didn’t just have a nightmare ? I get super vivid one sometimes too, especially about our family breaking up into pieces...” 

“No Tim ! It wasn’t a nightmare ! It was real ! A real nightmare !”

“So it was a nightmare ?” 

Cassandra rolled her eyes and said : 

“Not nightmare. But looks like nightmare, if really real.” 

“Oh...” 

It baffled Cass, that Tim could be the smartest of them all, and sometimes the most dense one. The girl turned to her little brother, and asked : 

“What happened ? From beginning to end ?” 

And so Damian said the entire story, of how he surprised their parents’ fight. When Tim still looked unconvinced, he dragged him all the way to the guest room you were deeply asleep in and...

Faced with the reality of what was happening, Tim almost had a full on panic attack there and there. 

No. No no no. His parents couldn’t divorce ! With whom would he live ? ...No, he couldn’t even think about having to chose ! No. No this couldn’t happen. 

Tim, when he was very young, already witnessed his biological parents’ divorce and...it was so destructive ! It ruined his chance to ever have a normal home ! Tim always been convinced that his biological parents’ divorce is what lead them to take all their bad decisions, what made them so bitter and dangerous, and what ultimately killed them.

Because they didn’t have that “other half” to rely on...And Tim was sure of all this, after he witnessed his “new” mom and dad being so damn in love with each others. Supporting each others every day, and helped each other walk on the path of life. 

Without you, Bruce was but a shadow of himself. And vice versa. So how could this be possible ?! Tim refused to believe it. He simply refused to. 

And yet, here, faced with you sleeping in the guest room, he had to admit the truth. You never slept elsewhere than in your shared bedroom. Never. Because neither you nor Bruce could sleep if the other one wasn’t there (you always repeated that to your children, kind of grossing them out at times). 

You needed to feel each others’ warmth to sleep and yet...yet here you were, deeply asleep in the guest room. Did that mean you didn’t love their dad anymore ? And that Damian was right, you two were really going to get a divorce ? 

Breathing heavily, Tim fell back first against the wall. His brother and sister rushed to him, mimicking what they saw you do with him whenever he had a panic attack. 

Helping him find a regular way to breathe again...But the more Tim thought about it, the more he panicked. Who was going to soothe him if you and Bruce divorced ? If you weren’t there anymore ? But would he stay with his dad ? What if he went with you ? No, Tim couldn’t quite ever forgive him if he left his father alone, as Bruce was more prompt to fall into darkness than you were...but then, who would soothe him during his panic attack ?! 

Cassandra laid her hand on her brother’s forehead, and breathed heavily. Slowly, Tim followed her breathing and calmed down. But he couldn’t move quite yet, so Cass sat next to him, and Damian sat on his other side. 

“What are we going to do ?” 

Damian asked, voice broken, tears slowly welling up in his eyes. Tim, still a bit winded, didn’t think twice before putting an arm around his little brother’s shoulders, and everyone knew this was a desperate situation when Damian curled up against him, as both of them were rarely affectionate. 

“Don’t know.” 

Cassandra said, curling up on Tim’s other side. 

“What are we going to become ?” 

“Don’t know.” 

“Is it our fault ? I read somewhere that 60% of divorce happened because of the kids.” 

“I read somewhere that 70% of couples stayed together because of the kids.” 

“So either way, they’re unhappy because of us ?” 

“Maybe.” 

Your three youngest children, curled up against each other in the dark corridor, didn’t manage to reassure each other this time. They usually always were able to...but this time, they got even more depressed. 

Divorce. 

What was going to happen, if you really got a divorce ?

Cass raised her eyes towards the door of the room in which you slept peacefully. Much too peacefully to her taste...You always said you couldn’t sleep, if Bruce wasn’t there. And he always said he couldn’t sleep properly without you. So why were you sleeping so deeply ? 

There was only one explanation to that. You fell out of love with him. Or something of the like. 

And the word “divorce” suddenly became very real. 

************

The next day, they found their father sitting alone at the breakfast table. When they came in the room, he left hurriedly, and went down the Batcave...this early ? This was odd. 

Damian decided to leave for the Kents’ household, in the hope that it would take his mind off of things...But it didn’t work. 

Instead, he found himself crying in Superman’s arms, about how his parents were going to divorce. And when he told the entire story to Clark, Lois and Jon ? Their faces said it all. 

It definitely didn't look good. 

Clark thought that if it was any other people, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Sometimes, your words could go further than what you really thought, you know ? Especially when angry. 

Only Clark knew you. Both of you. Very well. And he knew it was neither of your style to get that worked up over nothing, and it was most definitely not your thing to threaten to divorce lightly. 

And so, as Damian cried, all Clark could do was try to comfort him, knowing that if you and Bruce were really getting a divorce, that poor little boy would forever be heartbroken...

************

Damian came home a few hours after going to the Kents, heart even more shattered than before, as he didn’t find the solace he was looking for in his friend. 

On the contrary, he only found pity, which was the worst thing possible right now...

When he came back to the manor, Cass and Tim were still there.

But this time, Jason and Dick joined as well. Cass and Tim called them, in the hope that they would have some sort of idea of how to fix things. 

************

Neither Jason nor Dick had any idea how to fix things. 

They couldn’t quite believe their ears, when their little siblings told them about the fight their parents were in. 

“Well, couple fight all the time right ?”

Dick tried to say, hoping to find a positive light to put things in. 

“Not like that. And not our parents.” 

“I’ve seen them fight often.” 

“But it wouldn’t last long. While it has already been a night and half a day right now !” 

Damian said, anxious. The fact that he was counting down the hours since he last saw his mom and dad together was saying something. 

“But lately they haven’t had time to see each other often right ? They were very busy ? Maybe that’s why they fought ? Cause they missed each other and were frustrated that they couldn’t see each other ?”

Dick tried, but instantly regretted it as he saw a look of horror in his little brother’s eyes because...Oh but yes. Yes, Dick understood instantly what Damian, and all his siblings, were slowly understanding. 

They were putting two and two together. You and Bruce hadn’t seen much of each other lately, while you always made sure to spend time together...That could only mean that...that...

That morning,  you were nowhere to be seen, and Alfred said that you apparently went out early. You ? Out ? Early ? Without saying bye to your kids ? Or to Bruce ? Yeah. There definitely was a problem. 

Dick didn’t really know what else to say, to try and rationalize what Damian just told them. Because the kid seemed so serious and heartbroken, he couldn’t make it up ! 

Besides, what kind of sick joke would that be ? No. Neither him, nor Tim or Cass were that good of actors. They all seemed devastated. They were clearly not lying. 

And Dick had no idea how to deal with the news. No funny jokes came to his mind, no way of lightening up the atmosphere. Instead, a big ugly anger started to rise within him...because how could you guys do this to them ? 

Dick, when angry, lost all sense of what was rational and what wasn’t. And as he was trying to keep his fury in check, so that he wouldn’t make it worst for his precious siblings, he couldn't help but indeed forget the rational part of his mind...and forget about how this split up would hurt you and Bruce a lot too. All he could think about, was him, his brothers and sister, and how this would forever break their family ! 

And it made him so...so angry ! 

Jason hadn’t said a thing yet, lost in his thoughts. So..what, that was it ? His parents were going to divorce ? Just like that ? 

The role model, the relationship goals he set for himself would just like, vanish in the air ? Years of wanting something just like his parents had would shatter ? 

Did real love not exist ? According to what Damian said, you have had “enough”...but weren’t you suppose to be THE person who could deal the best with Bruce’s shit ? If even you gave up on him...Then who would ever take their chances on someone like Jason ? 

Jason had no illusion about who he was; He knew he was a difficult man to live with too, but he always found hope, solace, in the fact that even a VERY difficult man like his father found love. 

True love. 

And now...now they were getting a divorce ?! 

What could he believe in anymore ? If even the greatest couple he ever saw was breaking-up ?! Jason couldn’t let that happen : 

“Well, it’s not by staying there and lament our loss that anything will get fixed. Do you guys know where dad and mom are ?” 

“I think dad left an hour ago for the Justice League’s watchtower. And we haven’t seen mom since this morning...”

“Ok...Ok well let’s go up then !” 

“Up ?”

“Yeah, let’s go to the watchtower. Talk to dad. Find out what he did, and try to find a solution to make mom forgive him.” 

“Jason, she really sounded mad. And like it was the last straw. She slept in the guest room without problem !” 

“So ?” 

“So she...she might...not...want to be with him any-”

“Shush. We don’t truly know what happened. I admit it’s odd they slept in different rooms, and that it sounded like a really bad fight. But maybe there’s a way we can still salvage their marriage ?”

None of his siblings looked convinced, but Jason wasn’t about to give up on his ideal of love. And so he dragged them to the zeta tube that would take them to the Justice League’s headquarter. 

************

As soon as they arrived, Jason’s convictions faltered. 

Because their dad wasn’t working at a computer, or doing anything...instead, he was eating ice cream at the kitchen table, looking like a sad puppy. 

Could it be that...Could it be that their mom really got enough of him, and was truly the one that was leaving ? What if when she left this morning, she decided she would never come back ?! 

This would be the end of their family. And their balance could be so fragile...Without you, or Bruce, who were the center pillars of it all, everything would shatter. 

Before your children could go to Bruce though, Clark reached him. He too, just came through a zeta tube, and he immediately spotted his gloomy friend. 

After hearing about everything from Damian, he had to go and try to lighten his friend’s mood...

“Hey Batman.” 

Bruce didn’t answer, not even looking up, continuing to eat his ice cream. When was the last time Clark saw Bruce eat something sugary like that ? Oh, right. Long ago. When you broke up for a short while, when Dick was still really young...Oh. Wow. Well this couldn’t be good. 

“Are you okay ?”

“Oh yeah. I’m great. I’m a big happy ray of sunshine.” 

Ooook. Sarcasm. That was...good, right ? 

“Listen, Bruce, I-”

“Clark, I’m really not in the mood. Leave me alone please.”

Wow, this was serious. He didn’t even budge when Clark used his real name instead of “Batman”, and he just called him “Clark” too. This had to be serious. 

Superman raised his head, and saw your children looking at them from afar. He smiled sympathetically to them, and turned back to Bruce, not ready to give up just yet. 

“Bruce, you know you can talk to me right ?”

Batman glared at Clark, and Superman got the shiver...wow, if a look could kill right ? But behind the annoyance in Bruce’s eyes, there was something else. And Clark was pretty sure it was sadness. So he persisted : 

“Listen, Damian told me what happened so-”

“What happened ?” 

Bruce had suddenly straighten back up, and looked at Clark suspiciously. So Clark continued : 

“Yes, yesterday night.” 

It was the first time in his entire life that Clark witnessed Bruce lose complete control of his emotions like that. The Bat’s face fell, and he averted his friend’s gaze before saying : 

“Ah. So you know.” 

This made Clark utterly sad. This confirmed that something indeed happened, and given Bruce’s reaction, it must have been bad... 

“Clark, I swear I didn’t mean to. But she forced me to...I didn’t...” 

What happened ? Did Bruce cheat on you ? But this didn’t sound like a thing he would ever do...But what he said just now made it sound like...And now that he was thinking about it, and according to what Damian said you two argued about, the way Bruce betrayed you...

Maybe ? Maybe Bruce did go too far ? Clark could imagine him cheating on you in only one way. If it was for a mission. If he “had” to to get intels. And even then, it really didn’t sound like him. But given the nature of the argument, and what he just said...

Maybe Bruce did really cheat on you. Even if he didn’t want to. And that would definitely be the last straw for you, the last time Bruce put his “mission” before you and his family. 

But wasn't this all “Dark Bruce who thinks his mission is more important than his family” a thing of the past ? Didn’t you already got into a big argument about it long ago ? 

“What happened, Bruce ?” 

But Bruce never had the chance to answer, as the zeta tube near your children started and...you appeared. 

You seemed completely surprised to be face with all your kids, and started to smile at them but...but then you saw Bruce, sitting not far away, and you frowned, looking elsewhere.

Something was most definitely up. Neither your kids nor Clark ever saw you two act this way...Or rather, they did saw you do that before, childishly not talk to each other after a stupid fight, only, the fight you had the day before wasn’t “stupid”. And you seemed more serious about it all than usually. 

Clark was about to try and pressure Bruce more so he would talk, when Jason exploded. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. He just couldn’t. 

His dream of having a perfect relationship like his parents one day went up in flame, and the salvation he found in his family was threatening to break. 

If his parents divorced, Jason just knew his family would never be the same again. That they would all go their own way. That...That...He couldn’t handle it. And so he exclaimed : 

“What the hell is up with you two ?!” 

This made you jump in the air, as you weren’t expecting such an outburst from Jason, and surprised Bruce too, who was already ready to ignore you and go back to his ice cream. 

You both stared at Jason for a few moments, when you finally said : 

“What ?” 

“Between you and dad. What’s up ? You’ve been acting weird since this morning, and yesterday you slept in different rooms ! And apparently you rarely saw each others lately ! So what is happening ?!”

“We were just...rather busy lately. As for yesterday we-”

“Don’t lie to us mom ! Tell us the truth ! No bullshit about being busy or whatever, tell us what is really up ! And why you’re divorcing !” 

You blinked once. Twice. And...You turn to Bruce. He looks back at you, and you can see he’s as lost as you are. You say :  

“Divorce ? Who talked about divorce ?” 

Damian comes forth and yells : 

“You, you did ! I heard you in your room. I didn’t mean to eveasdrop I promise, it was an accident. But I heard everything. And you’ve been acting so weird lately…You didn’t even kiss father in front of us in days ! You were so distant lately ! And yesterday you slept in different bedrooms ! And you fought ! You said Father betrayed you like never before, and that you wanted a divorce ! And this morning you left without a kiss for him or us, and when you came up here you...you were about to ignore him ! It was clear ! And you glared at him ! And father is eating ice cream ! He only does that when he’s sad !” 

Your children were now staring at all of you, and you could see on their faces that they were downright panicking. And sad. Utterly sad. And that’s when you realized that, this time...you might have went a little bit too far. 

To your defense, you had no idea Damian heard you and Bruce fight. Or you would have instantly went to him. You give him a guilt ridden smile and...

Damian is sure of it. You really are going to divorce. If not, why would you look at him like that. Why would you look to apologetic ? It was clear that you didn’t expect any of them to find out like that, maybe you and Bruce were preparing a big announcement, which is why you slowly-

“Your father and I are not going to divorce.” 

Your voice cut right through Damian’s thoughts, stopping them right in their tracks. He looks up at you and...he’s completely lost. What was happening ? 

You looked at Bruce, who was slowly walking towards you, and then you turned back to your children : 

“I’m um...sorry you misunderstood me.” 

“What is there to misunderstand mom ? You said you wanted a divorce. Don’t lie to us please, if you are getting one please tell us.” 

“I’m not lying Jason. Let me explain...First of all, we were really truly busy lately, and genuinely didn’t have time to see each others. Believe me, it was hard for both of us. Which is also probably why what happened yesterday was so...virulent. And oh my god I think you will all be very cross with us once you’ll find out the truth. Very cross with me. Um...uh...” 

But you weren’t saying anything. Why weren’t you saying anything ? Between you and Bruce, you were always the one that was able to express things the best to your children. So to see you speechless was worrying...Were you thinking of a way to explain that you and Bruce will stay together, not get a divorce, but simply didn’t love each other anymore ? 

Dick could only think of that, as he saw you struggle to find your words. Because if it wasn’t something important, then you wouldn’t find it that hard to say something. He never saw you having that much trouble to say something. This must mean that things were bad between you and Bruce...

Their father was next to you now, looking at you struggle, when he finally helped you out : 

“Your mother was mad because she lost seven times in a row at Uno.” 

Silence. 

None of your children move, and it seems that they all forgot how to breathe. 

Clark, who is also next to all of you (for support), feels like his brain just turned off. 

Wh-What ? 

Silence. 

No one moves, nor speak. 

What did Bruce just say ? 

Silence. Stretching. 

Minutes pass. And no one speaks. Nor move. 

Silence...Heavy, endless. 

It feels like years went by, when :

“What ?” 

Tim finally asks, utterly confused, breaking this odd haze that engulfed all of you for a few minutes, as everyone was trying to wrap their brains around what Bruce just said. 

“Your mother was mad at me because she lost seven times at Uno.” 

“Yeah ok they got it Bruce, you don’t need to repeat how many times I lost !” 

“Just get over it (Y/N) ok ? It’s just a game !”

“Oh ! So it’s conveniently just a game when YOU win huh ? But when I do, then we should have another game !” 

“Oh my God we’re not going to talk more about all that are we ?!”

“Well you know what ? Yes we are ! We are ! Because that was the greatest treason of them all !”

“(Y/N), you’re being ridiculous again, and-”

“YOU PROMISED NOT TO USE YOUR +4 CARDS AND YOU DID ! Worst, you had two of them ! And then you had a reverse card, and then a +2 yellow, and then...You didn’t even give me a chance ! While you said you would !” 

“You were always wining at that game, I had to win at least once !” 

“Oh, so then you proceeded to win SEVEN TIMES IN A ROW with low blow like those huh ? It was sheer dumb luck.” 

“Oh so when I win it’s dumb luck, but when the great (Y/N) Wayne wins it’s strategy ?!” 

“I won’t be called (Y/N) Wayne for long if you keep going on like this, you-”

“STOP !” 

Damian’s scream stopped you and Bruce right in your track, and made you turn to them. Somehow, as you both got fired up about a stupid Uno game, you completely forgot how serious the entire situation was. 

All of a sudden, you’re reminded of it, as your children stare at you, disbelief in their eyes. 

“You guys were...you guys were fighting that bad about a game of Uno ?”

You and Bruce exchange an ashamed look, and your husband says in a weak voice : 

“Not any game of Uno. The ultimate game to decide all game. If I won that last one, it meant I would win forever as we would stop playing Uno and move to another game, and your mother is a sore looser.” 

You don’t even glare at him as he says that, aware that this all situation goes beyond your stupid competitions. But you nonetheless store it in your mind, next time you win at a board game against him, then you’ll throw it back in his face for sure ! 

“Why would you stop pla...wh...HUH ?!” 

Tim was understandably confused. Of course all this would only makes sense to you and Bruce. It was an old tradition between you two, whenever you both couldn’t sleep and were yet too exhausted to make love, you’d play a bored game. Something easy that didn’t require too much brain power. 

It would usually tire you out to the end, and you’d fall asleep playing...however, both you and Bruce could get highly competitive, and more than once you spend entire nights playing and ended up fighting like children. 

Only this always happened very VERY late at night, and rather rarely still, so of course no one witnessed such fights, were you both would blow everything out of proportion (to be honest, it was also kind of part of the game...you both knew you were being ridiculous and extreme, this was part of the fun ! “The make-up sex was always brilliant”. Sometimes, you two had a funny idea of romantic). 

But of course, that, your kids didn’t know. And of course, when Damian heard you yesterday...OF COURSE he would fall on one of your worst fight, as Bruce really DESTROYED you at Uno (sheer dumb luck!). 

You admit you might have gone a bit overboard. But it was because this was suppose to be your last few games of Uno before you’d move on to the next board game ! Of course it would infuriate you that you’d lost all of them ! Even more so since Bruce totally did some jerk moves !

Damian looked at both of you, and all the emotions you read in his eyes made you feel even guiltier. Poor little one, you made him go through so much with your silliness...

“But father looked so sad when you went to sleep in one of the guest room...”

He says, and you can’t help but say : 

“Ah yes, well your father always gets sad when we don’t sleep in the same bed, cause he’s like an attention starved puppy and he-”

“Oh my God stop !”

Dick yells, and he’s clearly FURIOUS. 

“Can’t you see how serious all of this is ? Damian, Tim and Cass have been thinking that you two were going to divorce since last night ?! Do you have any idea how hard this thing has been for them ?! Why would you two put yourself in such a state after playing a damn game of Uno ?! This makes NO SENSE ! You’re ADULTS, why are you like this ?!” 

He rambled for a few more minutes, scolding both you and Bruce about how dumb it was that you’d fight that bad because of this, and you and your husband slowly realized how indeed serious this all was. 

Granted, they could have just come and talk to you, and things would have been cleared up but...no. This was you and Bruce trying to find excuses for yourselves. For acting like petty children. 

Because of course, in your children’s eyes it would seem like a serious real fight. After all, you rarely yelled at each others like that. And yes, you did really get carried away by saying you wanted a divorce, and by going to sleep in another room but...the bastard put a +4 cards while he promised he wouldn’t !  

However, this time all thoughts of this stupid game left your mind (every game you lost was “stupid”, every game you won was “awesome”), as you listened to your son yell at you and Bruce. 

When Dick finally ran out of breath, he fell in a nearby chair and grumbled some more about how ridiculous this all was, but he was also clearly relieved. 

His family wouldn’t break. 

The divorce was a false alarm. Ugh. Sometimes, he forgot that you and Bruce could be extremely petty and childish. Because you were always there, supporting your kids, and seeming so strong...That he forgot that you were also just humans, and had big flaws too. 

Especially when it came to you. He tended to forget your bad sides more than his father’s. After all, Bruce had some pretty obvious flaws. But you ? You were good at hiding them. It was easy to forget how extreme you could be about some things !

Out of breath after yelling so much, Dick just sat there for a bit, beyond relieved even if he was still mad. 

Cass called you both “morons”, which really meant a lot. She was definitely on the same level of anger than Dick was, as she would have never called you that if it wasn’t the case. 

She left the Watchtower hurriedly, and you made a mental note that you and Bruce needed to go see her when you’d get home, and apologies deeply. You hadn’t realized that such a silly thing could be so devastating to your children...

But if they genuinely thought you two were going to divorce, then you could totally understand them. 

Tim went to sit next to Dick, unable to say anything. He wasn’t mad, he was more...utterly stunned by how childish the mighty Batman and his wife could be. This would definitely require a long time to get over. 

But he was most definitely the smartest of them all, as he made a mental note to use this entire event against you one day, if he did something that would get him scolded by both of you. Oh yes. “That time you made all of us think you were gonna divorce” would surely get him out of ANY trouble. 

Damian stared at his parents for a bit, before screaming in rage, surprising everyone, and hitting his father in the guts to then proceed to hug you and him tightly. 

Bruce didn’t even dare to say “why did you only hit me ?!” as he was trying to catch his breath after such a punch, and held his son too, trying to convey his apologies. 

“My poor little baby...” 

You whispered while soothingly running your fingers through your son’s hair, knowing that he always found the gesture calming. Your “poor little baby” was crying softly in your arms, the stress of those past long endless hours of thinking his family was going to break pouring out all at once. 

When he finally calmed down, he tore away from you and said : “you guys are dumb !” before running through the same zeta tube Cassandra went in. You were pretty sure this two would sulk together, which was good...You didn’t particularly want any of them to be alone right now. 

Clark knew you and Bruce couldn’t even think about actually divorcing. You two ? Well he knew it was true love. And though he definitely had his doubts as Damian told him some pretty bad things that happened the night before, and as he saw his friend sad and eating ice cream...Deep down, he knew it wasn’t possible. 

Clark never saw two people as in love as you two were. Not even his love for Loisn which was deep and unconditional, could compare. He knew that. You and Bruce, it was truly meant to be, and it would just have broken his heart if you genuinely would have gotten a divorce ! 

He was so glad it wasn’t true. But was also utterly exasperated by the truth. Who the hell plays Uno in the middle of the night anyway ?! He walked away shaking his head, thinking that you and Bruce would never NEVER ceased to amaze him. 

For better or for worse, really. 

The last one to react was Jason. You and Bruce didn’t dare to leave and do what you had to do in the Watchtower, as you weren’t sure your son, the only one that didn’t react, was ok. 

He just stared at you blankly for long minutes, and you were about to ask him if was alright when he suddenly bursted out laughing. 

Which most definitely took you by surprise. Um...What ?

Jason was laughing out of relief. That the true love he imagined in his head was really existing, and that he could hope for it. But he was also laughing because all of this was just so ridiculous ! 

Him and his siblings had been worried sick, on the verge of breaking from the inside at the mere thought that their parents were going to divorce...And all along it was just them having a fight like five years old would ?

Oh that was just too damn funny ! And so he laughed. He laughed and laughed for a long time. When he finally calmed down, he said : 

“Oh I swear. You guys are too much.” 

You and Bruce weren’t sure how to take this, so you simply smiled at him. Jason, still chuckling a little bit asked : 

“So hey, when I was a kid, and you said I had to go to bed and leave you cause you were going to play monopoly, and I was too young to play such a complicated game...You guys were truly playing monopoly then ?” 

"Uh ? Oh. Monopoly. Yeah, no, we were having sex. Your mom hates monopoly.” 

There’s a few seconds of silence, where Jason stares at you. Dick and Tim, who were still here, give you a “are you fucking kidding me look ?” and Bruce realizes maybe now wasn’t the time to tease them...But you can’t help but smile, and try to muffle your laugh as best you can in front of your sons’ horrified expression. 

And of course, of course Bruce starts to laugh too. Now. IN the worst of moments...You two always laugh at the worst time possible ! Goddamnit ! Your kids were really going to get mad at you for a while, if you kept going like that ! And they would have every reason to ! 

Oh well, for now, you thought it was very funny, how they reacted to the discovery of the fact that “playing monopoly” meant you were having sex. You’d worry later about apologizing. After all, they were already super mad about this entire mess of an event. 

Oh, miscommunication. It was quite a thing really. And as both Bruce and you tried to muffle your laugh, but not very successfully, it was clear that you had made up. 

You hunched over your husband as your fit of laughter was playing around with your balance, and he caught you. And seeing both of you laughing together, and clearly as in love as ever reassured your sons for good. 

But for good measure, they still left and yelled an angry : 

“Ugh, you guys are the worst !” 

As they exited the Watchtower, leaving you and Bruce giggling like teenagers.  

Aaaah. Sometimes, rarely though, you two could be such children. And even if you’d take things MUCH TOO FAR, it was still always refreshing to see the both of you understand each other so fully...

Fin

__________________________________________________

I often talk about how petty and childish my main Batmom can be at times, but I never really wrote anything about it…well here we go. Like I said, there’s a reason why her and Bruce get along so well, they’re both so damn dramatic and reach such extremes at times XD. Anyway, hope you liked this ! (??) I wrote this very quickly, as usual with bonus stories. It was just a little bit of fun, a silly story not to be taken too seriously (she says, as to find an excuse as to why this is so shitty).  As usual, feedbacks and reblogs are very welcomed <3. 

By the way, this was loosely inspired of an ask I received from an anon’, but I didn’t put the ask at the beginning as I usually do because I didn’t want the “twist” to be spoiled. 

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

Iconic things about The Dick Van Dyke Show

-For the time The Dick Van Dyke Show was incredibly diverse. You got to remember this was the early 1960s, back in the day you were lucky to see African Americans in any capacity and when they were in shows or movies they were strictly in the service industry. That started to change in the late 50s to early 60s and TDVDS was kinda the start of that in Television. People of color were depicted in different capacities than usual. In the episode “That’s My Boy??” the actors Greg Morris and Mimi Dillard played a normal upper middle class family. In this episode Rob thinks that Laura and himself were sent home with the wrong baby from the hospital and he believes that their baby was taken by a family with the last name Peters. The Peters ended up being African American and they were depicted as well dressed and well spoken people who seemed to live in a similar area and walk of life as the Petries and in that episode the black couple is funny and completely sane whereas the white man (Rob) is depicted as the butt of the joke. Also at the end of the episode Rob subtly mentions how their son Richie is getting horrible grades and the Peters’ son is at the top of the class. It’s small things like that, that had never been seen on Television. In a episode named “The Man from My Uncle“ an actor by the name of Godfrey Campbell played an FBI agent. And that’s not counting the numerous POC in smaller roles or as extras in scenes. This was a time where you were lucky to see POC even as extras. -The feminism in TDVDS took amazing strides as well. There were times where Rob is shown to be very insecure, and I think that’s some of the most of it’s time aspects of the show. It’s not great, but it’s realistic. One of my favorite character choices for Laura Petrie is that we find out that she is proficient in self defense.... she learned self defense techniques when she was an entertainer for the troops. In the episode “My Mother Can Beat Up My Father,” a drunk at a bar harasses Laura and Rob tries to defend her and he gets laid out by the drunk. Laura then does a judo throw on the guy and lays him out. It becomes a big thing for Rob in that episode and he’s very insecure about the fact that Laura can take a guy that Rob can’t. But Laura does not apologize for that fact, and in one scene Rob is trying to prove that he’s all tough and so he challenges Laura to do the same throw with him. Laura doesn’t pretend she can’t do it to spare his fragile masculinity, she lays him out and if I remember correctly he broke a few bones. Also the character of Sally Rogers has been touted as one of the first women’s lib characters. She’s a Television writer alongside Rob and Buddy and she is treated with respect and is presumably paid the same as Buddy who is a writer on her same level. She is a proud career woman who is damn good at her job, and is an equal to the men in her workplace. Another big way that TDVDS broke ground was the fact that Laura wears capri pants. Believe it or not that caused a firestorm of controversy.... up to that point housewives had been shown as wearing dresses and skirts on TV and once the dust settled the fact that Mary Tyler Moore wore capri pants on TDVDS caused those pants to become a huge fashion craze in the 60s. -TDVDS became a huge hit starting with the second season against all odds. First off Carl Reiner had created the show a couple years prior and had actually shot a pilot with an entirely different cast and with himself in the lead, at that time it was called “Head Of The Family.” It aired and did not get picked up. Carl just gave up on it and it lay on a shelf collecting dust. A couple years later someone with the William Morris Agency tried to get Carl to retry it and he refused. That agent then went to the most successful producer at that time, Sheldon Leonard. Sheldon was known for having a perfect record for his pilots, absolutely all of them had been picked up to series, some of which were huge hit shows. Sheldon saw the show and immediately saw the potential. He approached Carl about the idea of retrying with an entirely different cast and name.... once a famous producer says they have faith in your show, how can you say no. So they set to the task of finding a cast. Dick Van Dyke was one of the first people to be cast in the show, and at that point Dick was in the middle of a successful run on Broadway in the show “Bye Bye Birdie” which he’d won a Tony Award for, but being successful on Broadway doesn’t usually translate to fame with the general public (up until Lin Manuel Miranda that was true). So not only did they cast an unknown in the lead role but they then turned around and named the show on the said unknown actor. That was an extremely ballsy and risky move. At the time there were a lot of shows named after actors but they were all famous stars like Doris Day etc. To name a show after an unknown actor was unheard of!! They then cast Mary Tyler Moore (who was an unknown), they cast Rose Marie (who was never hugely famous, but had a really good career on radio and in night clubs. But even if you consider her to have been famous, she was kind of a has been), Morey Amsterdam was cast (an unknown), Jerry Paris and Ann Morgan Guilbert were cast (also unknowns). It was really a cast full of unknowns in the leads. There were no big names. Which was really a disadvantage going in. The first season bombed, it was near the end of the Nielsen ratings and morale was severely low at the end of the season. Sheldon Leonard actually got word from a friend who was on the committee that decided which shows were cancelled and which her renewed, that the show had indeed been cancelled and it just hadn’t been announced yet. So Sheldon went into problem solving mode. He knew that going to the network wouldn’t get him anywhere. At that time sponsors were king and TDVDS had one of the biggest sponsors in the game, Proctor And Gamble. So Sheldon flew to Proctor And Gamble’s headquarters and in his own words he “sang mammy” in other words he begged and he charmed their pants off (figuratively) :) At the end of his pitch, they agreed to go to bat for the show... on one condition.... that he found a sponsor to sponsor the second half of the season. So he raced from sponsor to sponsor pitching his show and begging them to co sponsor them. He was in the middle of a pitch when he was alerted that Kent Cigarettes had decided to sponsor their second half. Proctor And Gamble and Kent Cigarettes went up against CBS and demanded that they renew TDVDS or else they would withdraw support from all their other popular shows. And CBS caved and renewed the show. With S2, TDVDS became a massive success and by the end of S5 the network was begging Carl Reiner to make another season but Carl wanted to end the show while they were still on top. TDVDS also became the darling of the awards shows. They continually swept the Emmys every year starting with S2. They won for writing, directing, and acting, it also won Best Comedy in 1966 with it’s final season.

-The scripts were largely based off of real life. Nowadays it’s more common for shows to take ideas from real life, but at the time Carl Reiner’s wish for authenticity was largely unheard of. Writers on the show described the writing sessions as therapy sessions because it would start with Carl probing into their life and them talking about embarrassing things that happened to them. Carl and the writers would take those ideas and make them bigger and crazier but there was always that nugget of truth in there.

-The marriage between Rob and Laura was also iconic. You gotta figure that I Love Lucy was a huge show of the past decade and it really shaped most future shows. In some ways TDVDS was the antithesis of that. Carl wanted to create a show where the main married couple was united... it was them against the world. He shied away from battle of the sexes storylines whenever possible. He wanted Rob and Laura to be clearly in love. And it’s a unique relationship where you can tell that those two have an active sex life... and that was really unique for the time.

-Carl Reiner made a decision at the beginning of the show that he would never use popular slang terms of the 60s. In fact if you watch beginning to end, only one slang term slipped in, in S5. Otherwise, he remarkably kept to that. Because of that crucial decision, TDVDS is not as dated as it could be and it has a very timeless feel to it.

-The cast was known to get along famously, there were only a few moments of tension, otherwise the set was known to be very light and there was little tension. They were all pranksters and the set was alive with hilarity, laughter, and pranks. They used to haze guest stars... most of the guest stars were fine with being hazed but there was one who did not take it so well. During the filming of one episode Robert Vaughn was the guest star and he was on the outskirts of the set waiting for his cue to come in. The actors led the entire cast and crew off the set and turned off the lights and left Robert waiting for his cue for about an hour, until he walked in to see what the holdup was only to find the entire cast and crew gone. It’s hilarious, but he wasn’t too happy. The cast was like a huge family, but most guest stars described them as being very welcoming as well.

Edit. Another iconic thing I almost forgot is the fact that certain episodes are used in film classes as examples of how to write comedy. It’s so funny and iconic that it is the textbook case of how to write comedy shows!!!! When will your favorite show ever... ;)

[gunterfan1992]

Episode Review: ‘BMO’ (Distant Lands, Ep. 1)

Airdate: June 25, 2020

Story by: Anthony Burch, Adam Muto, Hanna K. Nyström, Jack Pendarvis, and Kate Tsang

Storyboarded by: Hanna K Nyström, Iggy Craig, Laura Knetzger, Anna Syvertsson, & Adam Muto

Directed by: Miki Brewster (supervising), Sandra Lee (art)

I just watched a new episode of Adventure Time...

That, dear readers, is a sentence that—after the airing of “Come Along with Me”—I never thought I’d get to write again! And believe me, it feels great to be proved wrong in this instance.

In October of last year, we were all treated to the news that four new Adventure Time specials—collectively identified as Distant Lands—would be airing in the next year or so. For months, the Adventure Time fandom has waited with bated breath for these specials to drop. Would these episodes be good? Would they live up to the series that came before? Would they undo the emotional satisfaction of the Adventure Time finale? These were the questions. And now, the first special—entitled “BMO”—is here. Does it live up to expectations, proving that Adventure Time always bounces back? Or is it toast-bread for sure? Read on to hear my thoughts!

Beginning in media res, "BMO" opens with the titular character on its way to Mars to terraform Mars. After running into an errant service droid named Olive, BMO is transported to a fantastical space station known as the "Drift." It is here that BMO becomes acquainted with a humanoid rabbit named Y5, and together, the two help reveal the insidious plotting of the station's capitalist overlord, Hugo, and his henchman Mr. M (who, it must be noted, is almost certainly Finn’s father, Martin, up to one of his many schemes). After much mayhem, hilarity, and poignancy, the special ends with BMO traveling back to Earth and meeting up with Finn and Jake for the first time—revealing that this entire special was a prequel to the main series, explaining how BMO first met up with his good friends in Ooo.

The first thing I'd like to comment on is the fact that many of the show's former crew members returned to work on this special. In addition to Adam Muto (Adventure Time's hard-working executive producer), this special saw the return of: storyboard artists Hanna K Nyström, Laura Knetzger, and Anna Syvertsson; storyline writer Jack Pendarvis; character designers Andy Ristaino and Benjamin Anders; art director Sandra Lee; and composer Tim Kiefer. I was actually quite surprised (and delighted!) that so many of the show's old guard returned to help out. And while this special also saw several new creative voices helping out (including folks like former OK KO! storyboard artist Iggy Craig, former Steven Universe board artist Miki Brewster, and writer Kate Tsang), the overall product was recognizably Adventure Time. I must admit, this was my biggest worry going into Distant Lands; without folks like Tom Herpich, Kent Osborne, or Cole Sanchez, would this feel like the show I know and love? I’m happy to say that the answer is yes!

BMO really is in fine form in this episode—from their singing the "Potatoes (More Exciting Than Tomatoes)" ditty in space all the way to their hitching a ride to Earth on a space lard. (Indeed, the sheer number of humorous remarks the little robot gets makes me think that many of the shows writers were saving up goofy one-liners following the show’s cancellation, just in case.) I’m quite pleased with how the episode handled the character, and, in truth, somewhat relieved. Initially, I was worried whether the character would be able to coherently anchor an hour long special, given BMO’s unpredictable and somewhat unreliable nature (see: “Ketchup”). Would 45 minutes of BMO’s seemingly boundless goofiness work? Thankfully, the other characters in this special do an excellent job counterpoising the lovable robot’s more, shall we say, unorthodox personality features (Y5 perhaps said it best when she noted that BMO tends to “expend energy for no apparent purpose”). The end result feels remarkably balanced, with BMO’s chaotic, goofball energy complimenting the very real plight of the Drift’s residents.

Speaking of other characters, Y5 served as a workable straight man, whose half-heartedly pragmatic personality contrasts nicely with BMO’s boundless and wacky optimism. I must give the writers and producers credit: it was extremely risky for them to feature a brand new character as one of the main players (rather than one of the show’s many beloved side characters), but for the most part, they stuck the landing. I think much of this success is due to Y5’s voice actress, Glory Curda, whose performance really breathes live into the character, giving her an earnest believability. That said, the fast-paced nature of this special precluded me from developing the strongest emotional connection to the character, and as such, Y5′s “my parents don’t appreciate me” subplot did not resonate with me as strongly as, say, “It Came from the Nightosphere” did. (But then again, not every character can be Marceline!)

Strictly in terms of story structure, "BMO" is not exactly groundbreaking, and the special follows the standard "buddy movie" formula fairly closely (You know, the structure that goes: "Two individuals from different walks of life are forced to work together. Despite a rocky start, they begin to function as a team. Alas, they are split up, but reunite just in the nick of time to save the world"). But unlike Grace Z. Li of Vulture, who wrote that the special plays out "expectedly" and as such "is simply unimaginative in its structure," I cannot say that the standard plot structure torpedoes "BMO"—it simply gives the special a solid story frame that supports the characters while also providing an opportunity for the show to drop some timely social commentary.

Adventure Time has never been one to shy away from such commentary, but I do not know if it has ever been more overt than in “BMO.” As Alexander Sowa of CBR puts it, Hugo—the alien-human overlord of the Drift—is a “futurist reminiscent of Steve Jobs or Elon Musk” who long ago used a spaceship to escape Earth during the final days of the Mushroom War. After “biohacking” his DNA with the genetic material of the grey aliens who flit around the Oooniverse’s infinite cosmos, Hugo and his ilk founded an Amazon-esque empire in the Drift, inculcating its inhabitants with a love for rampant commercialism. As a villain, Hugo really is the wombo combo: a selfish capitalist hell-bent on stealing riches, colonizing new lands, exploiting conquered peoples, and then leaving when the situation looks bleak. It is not hard to see Hugo and his followers as stand-ins for the leaders of today, who refuse to acknowledge the reality of thinks like climate change or income inequality—problems that, if left unchecked, will lead to cataclysmic societal collapse. It is a bleak topic for Adventure Time to meditate on, but at least the episode ends on a positive note, with BMO's actions proving that with the right leader(s) and enough people working together, otherwise powerless individuals can topple oppressive regimes and begin to right the wrongs that have been made by the bourgeoisie (if you’ll allow me to invoke the ol’ Marxist term). Now, "BMO" admits that such reformation is one that will require many sacrifices, but nevertheless, the special does emphatically assert that it is possible. And in the hellscape that is 2020, this is a message of hope that so many need to hear.

In addition to social depth, there's quite a bit of existential nuance to this episode, too. Perhaps the most striking scene in the entire special is the scene wherein BMO is torn apart and—for all intents and purposes—dies. It is a chilling scene made all the more haunting by the return of BMO's rainbow personae (last seen in season seven's "The More You Moe, the Moe You Know"), who urge BMO to accept death ("Now your job is to be dead") and recognize that the robot has failed in its mission to be a true hero. (As pointed out to me on Reddit, the scene stylistically echoes an eerie bit of dialogue from Portal 2, wherein GLaDOS tells you: “I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature: In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was ... forced ... to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever." Talk about horrific!) Thankfully—in the spirit of the hero's journey—BMO bounces back from the brink of oblivion, proving that even in the bleakest of moments, all of us can be heroes.

Or something like that.

All in all, “BMO” was an enjoyable romp that dropped us back into a magical world we all love. While I wouldn’t say that the special was mind-blowing, it succeeded in its mission of telling a new story in a new place, while focusing on a character whom Adventure Time fans care deeply about.

Here’s looking to “Obsidian!”

Mushroom War Evidence: When it comes to the Mushroom War mythos, this episode was full of a lot of little details. CGO’s monologue reveals that, indeed, Earth was ravage by numerous nuclear weapons; what is more, it seems that some sort of doomsday weapon vaporized part of the Earth, leaving that gaping scar in the planet that has for so long fascinated the show’s mythology-junkies. It is also explicitly state that Hugo and his ilk were humans who fled Earth during the Mushroom War to escape certain destruction.

Final Grade:

Also, while I have your attention: Book update! As some of you might already know, over the last year and a half, I’ve been working on a book all about the history and production of Adventure Time! It’s been an absolute blast, and I’ve been lucky enough to talk to quite a few of the folks who worked on the show (including people like Tom Herpich, Jack Pendarvis, Pat McHale, and Rebecca Sugar). I’m in the final stages of type-setting, and should hopefully have the book ready to go within the next few weeks. Here’s a sneak peek of cover (please ignore the faint InDesign lines; they won’t be in the finished product):

Originally, I was going to publish this work through McFarland and Company, but then Cartoon Network got all pissy (long story short: I reached out to Rebecca Sugar and Adam Muto, got in contact with both of ‘em, and asked some questions about Bubbline. Rebecca responded and and confirmed that Bubbline was intended to be canon when she boarded “What Was Missing” but structural homophobia prevented it from being explicitly declared as such. This revelation made CN PR reeeeeaaally uncomfortable and they threatened to sic the lawyers), so I’m now going to be publishing through the University of Kansas Libraries. The good news is that the work will be free to download, and easily accessible! Yay! That said, if you want a hard copy of the book, I’ll post details about that in a bit. Anyway, keep your eyes peeled!

[kyouxa]

Amnesia Later: Translation (Part 02)

This took awhile, but I'm happy I finally finished another part. If you want to suggest me a route to start with, just put it in the comments ☆=(ゝω･)/

August 11th

Place: Maid's sheep — Entrance

Orion: ...Eh, I guess I said that but ...

Ikki: That's why, we should go and see the fireflies together tomorrow night.

Orion: Suddenly, we’re getting invited to go with Ikki ...

Maybe you didn’t promise to see the fireflies with Toma? Was it Ikki?

Ikki: You're off the next day, right? If so, we can stay awake the entire night and watch them. So?

You won’t be alone with me though, because Kent is also coming along.

Kent said he‘d be okay to drive us out...

Kent: Ikkyu.

The store manager is calling you. It seems that there is something he’d like to confirm for the shift next month. Please go to the office.

Ikki: The manager? Hah... I was in the middle of something important. Whatever.

Well then, please think about our talk before. I am expecting a positive reply from you.

*Ikki leaves*

Kent: The talk Ikkyu mentioned earlier is probably about the firefly hunting. To play around with such a thing as a grown man.

It was only three minutes ago when I was told about his idea. I was forced to be "invited" to go out together without any intention.

Orion: Is that so... well, that means Kent isn’t the person who you promised to be with.

Kent: ...But honestly, I also wanted to show you a firefly. So I’ll try to cooperate as much as possible.

Orion: Eh. Wai- Who is it now!?

Kent: That's why I also hope for a positive reply. Then.

Orion: But, we need to figure out more... ! We need to talk more! We need to know who you promised it to last year... !

*Costumer enters*

Orion: Ugh... we don’t have time to pursue Kent...

Whatever! Welcome back, master!

???: Hello. Are you free right now?

Orion: What, Ukyo? This person is definitely a regular visitor at this shop.

This is Ukyo. He’s a more regular customer of this shop... I sadly don't know more than this information...

I just know that he’s a pretty famous and good photographer. Other things... uhm...

He’s actually a really kind person but sometimes he seems kinda lost, he’s also sometimes acting weird when it comes to you.

I'm pretty sure he’s not a bad person in general, but I think he’d be useless if you trust him.

Ukyo sometimes even says "Don't trust me!" by himself.

Ukyo: Well, my order would be the Kilimanjaro. Besides, is your manager here now?

I want to show this pictures to him, because I’m sure he wanted to see them...

Waka: Is this, Ukyo?

It seems like you really visited our store again. I‘m grateful to see you here once again.

Ukyo: Waka-san, hello. I wanted to talk to you so I asked for you just now.

Waka: Oh? What did you need from me?

Ukyo: It is a photograph. Waka-san, didn‘t you want to see a picture of the fireflies?

Orion: Eh, the fireflies!?

Ukyo: When I slept in Kawahara on that Friday evening , I thought that it was a bright night so I took some pictures.

Orion: ... why was he sleeping in Kawahara anyway?

Ukyo: So when I got up and heard that tick, it was a firefly.

I was pretty surprised. There was a firefly in such a small city.

Waka: There has been a series of reports that fireflies have been occurring abnormally for two consecutive years last year and this year.

I wonder if that’s why they showed up there...

Ukyo: Ah, that might be right. I didn’t know about the news, I should’ve listened to them...

That is probably the only interesting thing in this world for now. I have nothing to do otherwise...

Waka: This world?

Ukyo: Ah, no. Thats not what I meant.

I always wanted to take a picture of the fireflies in Japan, so I noticed them and immediately took a photograph.

This is the picture I took. Please, take a closer look at it if you want.

Waka: ...This is... !

Ukyo: The big one on the wall, the small was flying around the star sky.

I was taking the picture of the fireflies with the night sky in the background while lying on the riverbank.

So the light of the stars and the light of the fireflies are mixed up.

Waka: ... how wonderful ... !

It's a wonderful picture... it's a scene where I couldn’t think it's reality.

Ukyo: Hehe, but it is reality indeed. What if you really could see it with your own eyes?

You can go with me to the riverside right away from here next time. Should I guide you there?

Waka: ... So it was in Kawahara... That's right, but...

I’ll give you my word to go there. I'd like to see this scene with my own eyes. Would you mind?

Ukyo: Not at all. I'd like to go there anyway, so why not going together?

Waka: Please wait for a second. I will confirm it once I looked at the working schedule again.

Orion: ... why does he want to see the fireflies so badly? Is it something we should think about?

Ukyo: .....

Orion: Oh, he left Ukyo alone! Let‘s show him his table.

Choices

1)— Master, I’ll guide you to your seat

2)— Ukyo-san, please follow me

— Master, I‘ll guide you to your seat

Ukyo: Yes, thanks for the offer.

— Ukyo-san, please follow me

Ukyo: ...Uh?

...You, just... called me by my name?

Orion: Uhm, I guess that was wrong. Were we breaking the mood... ?

Ukyo: ...That’s right... yes. That was not a mistake from you, right?

... Is that so? You... really remembered my name...

...Ngh

Orion: Eh!?

Ukyo: Ah... ngh, sorry, I‘m okay. Thanks for guiding me, I will sit there.

...Well then

Orion: ...What just happened. Why was Ukyo acting so strange... ?

Somehow ... that expression ... he felt happy even if he was close to cry...

... I don’t know. I can’t imagine what he could‘ve thought at all.

end Choices

Ikki: Hey, so this is a firefly!? They are amazing... those really are good pictures with only the fireflies and starlight.

This one, in what kind of angle did you take this picture?

Ukyo: I took all of them from below. I was lying on the riverside, looked at the sky, and then I saw the fireflies.

It happened to be a night when the stars weren’t coming out neatly, so it became a good picture. I was pretty lucky.

Kent: However, even if we as amateurs took a picture under the same conditions, it wouldn‘t be able to be taken so beautifully.

I don’t know where to focus on first, the distant stars or the near firefly. We wouldn’t be able to make such photographs at all.

Ukyo: That’s because I’m a little more professional.

But, recent digital cameras have good performances, so even amateurs would take good photos.

Ikki: I wonder, where you took these? I wonder how you found a place with so many fireflies...

Waka: He said it was a nearby riverbank. I’ve never seen it though.

Kent: ... The range is way too wide to know the exact place. Where in the Kawahara did you take them, will you tell me a little more about it?

Ukyo: Then, let's go there together. I don't mind it, if Waka-san has nothing against it right, isn’t that right Waka-san?

Waka: Hm... If so, how about tomorrow night?

It’s a good opportunity. Let's gather all the employees of our shop. We could make a comfortable trip while hunting some fireflies.

How does that sound for the three of you?

Ikki: ...I don’t mind. I’m glad we finally found a place. We escaped much trouble.

Kent: I don’t mind either. This would be better than searching for fireflies, without knowing a good place. I learned that from the previous year.

Ikki: Like this all three of us can participate in watching the fireflies without changing our shifts. Right, (y/n)?

I definitely want to watch the fireflies, so this would be the perfect opportunity for the three of us to go there.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow then.

Waka: Ikki. It would be nice if you’d also give Rika a call. She is also another one of our regular visitors.

Ikki: Thank you very much. I think Rika would definitely want to join.

...Ah, another thing. Hey manager, speaking of fireflies, shouldn’t we all wear a yukata?

(Admin note: a yukita is like a kimono, but it’s more for summer events)

Ikki: If we call everyone, I think we could all gather in a yukata at the same time. I’m sure the girls would look gorgeous in them.

Waka: Wearing a Yukita... it would fit perfectly for the summer. Then let's notify everyone to come with wearing a yukata.

5 o'clock in the evening. I’ll send out an e-mail about our meeting later...

Ukyo: Wa-Wait a second!

Waka: Ukyo-sama?

Ukyo: Uhm, does that mean that (y/n) also participates in this trip!?

Waka: Of course. Is there any problem with that?

Ukyo: It's full of problems... !!

Exactly! A lot of accidents could happen while we‘re at a river.

She could slide her foot and hit her head with a stone, or fall into the river and clash together with drifting driftwood.

She could suddenly start freezing, accidentally burn herself while touching the fireflies, hitting her head on accidentally falling blocks.

A prevention fence could fall over and hurt her entire body, or after she took a bath the hairdryer she brought could suddenly explode in her face...

In my eyes she definitely can‘t come with us!!

Orion: What the hell!!!!

What!? Who is this person!? Drown, burn or even hurt ourself like that!? What is he imagining!?

... but it is true that a lot could happen to anyone on such a trip outside.

Seems like he’s way too worried about your health... I wonder if Ukyo just wants to be close to you.

Ikki: Ukyo-san, such things can‘t happen. I think you‘re just way too worried about this trip.

Kent: I‘m agreeing with Ikkyu on this. You already went there, so you shouldn‘t worry about anything happening there.

Ukyo: But, isn’t there a high rate that she could make a mistake with a firefly or a burning cigarette that has fallen to the side of the road!?

Orion: ...Ah, there he goes again.

Ukyo: If she touched a firefly, it would probably burn her fingerprints and might hurt hurt forever!

I don’t want to make her feel like that ...!

Orion: ...Hmm.

I understand that Ukyo is worried about you so seriously but he‘s kinda focusing too much on it...

While listening to Ukyo talking about you there was a cute laugh escaping from his lips at first, I wonder why that was?

Waka: Don‘t worry so much about that. There are going to be enough staff member to accompany her.

Like this it won‘t pose any danger for a woman's body.

Ukyo: ...Ngh...

...I understand. I‘ll also help to prepare this trip.

I promise with my life, to try to end this firefly hunting trip as safely as possible... !

Orion: ... Is that something that should make you feel safe... ?

Place: Maid‘s sheep — Outside

Orion: Thank you for your hard work today~!

We need to wear a Yukato for tomorrow. But seems like you don't have a yukata, huh?

I don’t think you should go without one, but what should we do?

Besides, we still don‘t know who you promised to watch the fireflies with after all.

It seems that everyone will come tomorrow, so I just hope that they‘ll also approach from the other side...

Toma: Good job today.

Orion: Huh? This voice is...

Toma: Good, I still caught you. I knew it was already time for you to go home.

Shin: Out of anyone, why do you remember her working schedule? That’s pretty weird.

Toma: Excuse me. At least I’m not someone who doesn’t care about university. You even picked her up after you returned from your exam.

Shin: That’s not the topic...

Toma: You also put in an extra schedule the day before one of your important tests. It was during your final exams though.

The store manager who found out about it later made me get in the way of your undergraduate and your work schedule.

That's why I’ll look over all your shifts from now on so my little brother shin will pass all his final exams.

(Y/n) also helped me a lot.

Shin: ...Recently, I already thought that the store manager gave me strange working shifts, so you were behind all of this, Toma... !

Toma: If you regret it, make sure to pass your university. After that, you may be allowed to push me around like you want.

Shin: ....Ngh

I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Let’s get going, (y/n).

Orion: Eh, Wa-Wait a second. We don’t know where we’re going... !

Toma: Hey, Shin. Don’t try to take her away just now. You’re confusing her.

Shin: ...This guy, he’s as annoying as always.

Toma: Shin. Just wait for a second.

We got an e-mail from the store manager a while ago, we were all set to go watching the fireflies tomorrow night, right?

But, we don't even own a yukata, so I thought about buying a new one with all of us being together.

That’s why Shin, I’m sure (y/n) doesn’t own one either so we’re here to pick one with her.

Shin: ...ngh... be quiet.

Toma: Well, because the two of you just finished “working", why don’t we going shopping?

Let's go to try on some yukata’s from now on. The place where we could try them is right there.

There is no time and money to make a special one from the fabric, so we should buy an already made one, right?

Orion: What did just happened... I’m surprised that they came over to go shopping.

But, it doesn’t seem too bad. We should accept the invitation, (y/n)

On the other side, I wouldn’t even know which one we should buy for you.

I’m sure the two of them are going to be great help to pick one, I’m glad!

Place: Outside  — Shopping center

Shin: That's why, I said I’m tired of seeing her in such boring pastel colors.

Toma: You may say it’s pastel colors, but this is definitely a cherry blossoms red . There’s a huge difference in it.

Shin: It is definitely too naughty to let you choose what she wears. You normally don’t care what she wears anyway.

Toma: What’s wrong with me caring what she wears tomorrow then? Did you even confirm how expensive yours is instead of mine?

Shin: ...I also have this blue one.

Toma: Looks good, now we just gotta look for a bank to fix it, right?

Shin: The colors wouldn’t balance if she’d wear a pink band on a blue one.

Toma: What color band would match with the blue ground then?

Shin: ...Yellow?

Toma: ...Yellow...

Shin: ...Are you saying you hate it?

Toma: Because her yukata colors are already warm. Wouldn’t it be strange if everything matches?

Shin: What, that’s such a selfish opinion.

Toma: Oh, Shin. You gotta get one for yourself, you should change into yours too.

I think that this one would be too huge on your arms. I wonder if we should go one size smaller.

Shin: ...Shut up already... !

Orion: ...I was relieved that the two of them came with us, that’s what I at least thought...

They really have an amazing ego when it comes to you.

I wonder if tomorrow’s trip will work out completely fine...?

Place: Apartment — Your room

Orion: We... We’re... home... ngh...good work...today... ngh

They’re completely insane! It took us three hours to choose a yukata!

You shouldn’t go shopping with those two people again! It would’ve been way easier like that!

...Yes, it was tiring but pretty interesting. Toma is a very nice person, but also Shin is pretty nice even if he acts rude sometimes.

Ikki and Kent, also Shin and Toma... as well as the girls, the store manager and Ukyo...

Everyone is indeed pretty nice to you... I really do like everyone of them a lot.

But... I can’t help but wonder, who did you promise to watch the fireflies with?

[bee-kathony]

McTavish & Beauchamp | Ch. 21 “Positions of Power” 

a/n: thank you @julesbeauchamp for the beautiful moodboard and encouraging my ideas and to @claryclark for approving of some ahem things in this. Very nsfw btw

Masterlist Here

March 1747 

Our journey to Leoch lasted several more days and when we arrived to the great stone castle, I wanted to weep from happiness. My thighs had been cramping and my bum was sore from the saddle.

“Let’s get ye down, Sassenach,” Jamie was off his horse first and came around to help me. He held out his arms to help me off, gentle placing me on my feet. “Someone will come and take care of the horses, I expect Colum will want to speak wi’ us before we get settled.”

With his arm around my waist, Jamie and I gathered our small bundle of belongings and walked inside the castle for the first time in nearly three years. It was odd — the feel of the place was similar, but something had changed.

It was almost as if the soul of the place had been wiped away, just as so many Highlanders lives had been taken at Culloden. I held Jamie close as we walked through the dimly lit stone hallways.

A feeling of nostalgia washed over me, however, when I remembered that this was where it all started for Jamie and me. We had ridden up to the castle, much like we had today and from that day… nothing had been the same.

“What are ye thinkin’ about sae hard, mo nighean donn?”

“Memories of this place,” I smiled and looked up at him. “Of us, of what we did here.” My cheeks blushed at the thought of what went on in that little dungeon of a surgery.

His arm tightened around my waist as we turned the corner, “Mmmm, tis verra fond memories we have here, Sassenach. And I intend to make a few more,” he kissed me briefly and then his hand was at my back, letting me walk up the stairs that led to Colum’s chambers.

When Jamie reached the top step, I paused, taking a deep breath, “Are you ready?”

“Aye, as ready as ever,” he nodded, his mouth set firm in a straight line and knocked gently on the door.

“Enter,” came a gentle voice from behind the wooden door. Jamie pressed forward, and I nearly jumped at the loud creak as the door opened. The room was dark, the curtains shut over the two windows in the room. I had only been here a few times on my last visit and already I sensed it was not the same.

I followed Jamie’s lead and stood beside him as we approached Colum. He was laying in bed, a few candles next to him on a side table — his face was white and sunken. I wasn’t sure how much time he had left, but he looked as if he was fading away rapidly.

“Colum,” Jamie greeted him, kneeling at the bed and kissing the top of his hand. He rose and joined me at the end of the bed. “Claire is here as well, uncle.”

“Tis a pleasure to see ye both,” Colum said softly, almost too quiet to even hear. That fire that I had seen in him before was nearly doused. “I must thank ye for makin’ the long journey, I ken ye have a family of yer own.”

Jamie’s chest rose beside me and he moved his hand over my stomach, “Aye, the two bairns at Lallybroch and then another on the way.”

“Great news indeed,” Colum smiled and then laid his head back against the pillow. “Jamie, lad. I do have a matter to discuss wi’ ye, but now isna the time. Settle in and we’ll speak tomorrow.”

“Aye, uncle. I’ll come back tomorrow after I have my parritch,” Jamie bowed his head and we made our way back to the door. I heard a quiet cough from the bed and turned back to face him.

“Colum?”

“Aye, lass?” He said weakly.

“If you need anything, I may be able to ease any pain you have,” I offered.

“That’s verra kind of ye,” I saw his lips curve into a genuine smile. “I’m fairing well just now, but I’ll be sure to let Jamie know if I’m in need of ye.”

Bowing my head just as Jamie had done, we said goodbye and walked back into the hallway.

“He doesn’t look good, Jamie,” I twisted my hands together, my fingers aching with the need to do something, to heal him or at least ease his discomfort.

“Nah, I’ve no seen him so mild mannered in all the time I’ve kent him, Sassenach.” Jamie led the way back towards our room, holding my hand through the halls. I was absolutely starving, but Jamie was dragging us along rather quickly — I supposed he had other ideas.

“Twas a verra kind thing of ye to offer him aid,” Jamie said as he shut the door to our room. I had heard Mrs. Fitz voice as we rounded the corner and wanted to say hello, but Jamie had pulled me in quick before I had a chance.

“I brought a few of my medicines, I’m sure something will help if he is in need,” I said and walked over to a small table near the window, placing my small bag down.

“I ken ye want to eat, mo nighean,” Jamie’s voice said from behind me and I turned to look at him. His hands were on his hips, his legs placed far apart. If I hadn’t seen that fiery look of desire in his eyes, I might have told him the story of Peter Pan — the boy that never grew up. (does that make sense? With his stance and all or do I need to explain more?)

“Yes, of course I want to eat,” I grinned and walked closer to the bed.

“I only thought we could,” he dipped his head, staring at the ground. Even though we made love regularly, at times my husband was still shy — something I found endearing.

“Do what, Jamie?” Smirking, I took a few steps towards him, my fingers at the laces of my bodice.

His eyes followed my fingers as they pulled the laces out of their loops, one slow movement at a time. “Ye ken what I have in mind, Sassenach.”

“I’m not sure what you mean…” I pulled at my bodice, tugging the sleeves off my arms and letting it drop to the ground. As indecent as it might have been, I hadn’t bothered with a corset for our journey.

Jamie’s breath hitched in his throat and he took a step forward, his arm rising. Slowly and tenderly he pressed the palm of his hand over my breast, cupping it over my shift. The scratchy material and the pressure from his touch made my nipples harden instantly.

“Sassenach,” Jamie whispered, sliding one hand to my waist where he attempted to undo my skirts. I laughed and reached behind me to assist him. It was times like this when I missed modern clothes — less strings and layers that got in the way.

“I always thought a man would prefer food over sex,” I chuckled, laying both my hands on his chest.

“When a man has a wife like ye, Claire…” Jamie lowered his gaze, “Food is of little consequence.” He bent his head and placed his lips on my neck, lightly biting my skin. “Besides, I might just take a bite out of ye.”

As his words landed in the pit of my stomach, my mouth parted and I reached for the fly on his breeks, undoing the laces in record time. Backing me up until my legs hit the bed, Jamie pulled his mouth from my neck and reached down, pulling my shift up and over my head. I did the same to him, pulling off his long shirt, letting it pile up with our other clothes.

“Would you like to try somethin’?” He grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Hmmm, depends what it is,” I smirked, taking my bottom lip between my teeth.

“I dinna imagine a proper English lass like yerself is familiar wi’ the term ‘soixante neuf’?” Jamie placed his hands on my shoulders, exerting gentle pressure and I sat down, coming face to face with his length.

“I know what sixty-nine means, Jamie,” I said, now breathless at his suggestion.

A sound like a laugh and a moan erupted from his mouth above me and I glanced up, “Then ye’ll ken ye need to make room for me on the bed if it’s to work properly.”

I put my hands beside me on the bed and scooted backwards until I was in the middle of the bed. While I knew what position Jamie had just described… I hadn’t exactly done it before.

“Jamie,” I said softly as he moved to lay on the bed, shifting so that his head was near my knees.

“Aye, Sassenach?” he kissed my thigh and a small shiver went down my body.

“Have you um… ever done this before?” I said nervously, not really wanting to know the answer.

He laughed then and kissed my thigh again. “Mo nighean, ye were the first lass I ever bedded — well, we lay together on a table that first time so I dinna think ye can call it beddin’—“

“Jamie!” I kicked my foot against his chest, “Answer the question please.”

“No, Sassenach. I heard about it during my time in Paris, but I never dreamed I would ever do it, let alone with someone as beautiful as ye.” His hand slid between my legs then and pulled me so I was on my side facing him.

“I ken we’ll be good at it though, mo ghraidh… ye wi’ yer sharp tongue,” he chuckled and his curls tickled my skin. I didn’t know how I was supposed to concentrate on anything but the feel of his hot breath between my thighs.

Jamie was hard and his cock was throbbing, that one vein begging to be licked. Gently I placed my hand around his length and he emitted a moan that vibrated through my whole body.  I pumped him twice before flicking my tongue on the tip. My own moan left my lips when I felt his tongue lick my crease.

His hand held my legs open and he moved his head closer between my legs. His breath was hot and as I took more of him in my mouth — swirling my tongue around, he started licking quicker. I slid my hand between his thighs, bobbing my head and tasting every inch of him. It was all I could do to keep sucking while his tongue lapped at my clit.

High pitched moans from me and deep moans from him echoed around the room. The sound of tongues on skin, that wet smacking sound nearly made me come right then. Jamie pushed his hand on my arse, pulling me closer and his cock came out of my mouth. Quickly adjusting, I took firm hold of him again and licked from his testicles to his head.

“Ah, Christ. Do that again,” he muttered and I repeated the same action. His belly rolled and I felt the muscles in his thighs tighten.

I gasped when I felt a finger enter me, aiming up while his tongue pressed flat on my slit. My hips began to gyrate against him, desperate. I slid my head off of him to catch my breath and looked down my body to see his head between my thighs, curls bouncing with every stroke.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I sighed and then returned my attention back to his cock before me. I flicked my tongue back and forth on his head, tasting the salty stickiness on my tongue. Hollowing my cheeks, I began to suck and just as I started a steady rhythm, I felt Jamie’s hand on my arse squeeze and then he was spilling himself down my throat. Drinking him down, I swallowed every last drop, and pulled off his cock with an audible ‘pop!’.

“Ifrinn,” he said between breaths and then Jamie pushed me to lie flat on my back. He moved his body so he lay down between my legs. I raised my head up to look at him and he flashed me a grin before diving down, swiping his tongue back and forth.

“Oh God,” I moaned as I watched the way his tongue flicked and nibbled. My hips bucked against him and he placed both hands on my waist to hold me still. It was too much — too overwhelming. Knowing the pleasure I had just given him and made him feel made my heart race and my pussy throb.

“Jamie!” My back arched off the bed, my legs squeezed around his head and I came with a low moan, letting my orgasm extend to every inch of my body.

My chest heaved and finally I unclenched my thighs, releasing Jamie from my hold. He rolled over on his side, spent and looked over at me.

“I quite liked that,” I smiled and he made his way up to kiss me. His lips lingered on mine and I cherished the quiet bliss, the peaceful moment of just us. No crying children or chores to do, just a moment between us — as if nothing else existed.

++++++

The rest of the day carried on normally, we ate and I said hello to old acquaintances, people that I had healed during my time here. Both tired after our long journey, Jamie and I retired early to our room and slept peacefully in each others arms.

The next morning I rose late, letting my body wake slowly to the day. Jamie wasn’t in bed next to me to my disappointment and I figured he would be talking with Colum about the reason he had invited us here. I pinned my hair up and dressed for the day, going in search of Mrs. Fitz.

“Hello, my dear!” She smiled when I walked into the kitchen. She greeted me with a kiss to both cheeks and a tight embrace. “I’ve missed ye sae much, and yer lad of course. How was yer journey?”

I took her offered bowl of porridge and leaned against the counter as she continued to knead the dough before her.

“It wasn’t all too bad, we made quite good time,” I smiled and took a bite, letting the warmth seep through me.

“Tis a good thing to hear, lass. I was so happy when we learned that The MacKenzie had invited ye back,” she grinned, her cheeks rosy. “It was my granddaughter — oh, ye’ll remember Laoghaire?”

I nearly choked on my spoonful, my eyes wide at the mention of the young girl who had informed me I’d taken Jamie away from her and tried to have me tried and killed as a witch! I had thought of Laoghaire on our journey here, but wasn’t sure if she would still be here three years later.

“Yes,” I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, tasting bile in my throat. “I do remember her.”

“She came runnin’ to me wi’ the news that wee Jamie would be returnin’ to us on orders of The Mackenzie,” her hands paused in the dough, “But she didna mention that he would be bringin’ ye wi’ him. I’m sae glad for it though,” she beamed. Mrs. Fitz was a kind woman who had shown me nothing but hospitality, but her granddaughter did not have a kind bone in her body.

“Is she around? Laoghaire?” I mused, trying to appear innocent in tone. I vowed that if I ever saw her again after what she tried to do to me, I would give her a piece of my mind.

“Aye, she is. She’ll be wi’ the other lassies sewin’ and mendin’ near the main room.”

I finished my bowl of porridge quickly and thanked Mrs. Fitz before rushing off to find Laoghaire. I wasn’t going to be too harsh on the young girl, but she couldn’t have me burned at the stake and get away with it!

Burning thoughts of just what I’d like to do to her face with my fist were rushing through my mind as I walked through the castle that I nearly bumped into Jamie. He was coming down from seeing Colum with a glazed expression on his face.

“Jamie,” I smiled and kissed him briefly. His face was frozen in shock, his eyes were a ghost of themselves and he was trembling slightly. “Jamie, what’s wrong?” What has Colum told you?”

He mumbled something incoherent and I reached for his hands to steady them in my own.

“Please, Jamie, you’re scaring me,” I cupped his cheek with my palm, turning his face to look down at me. “Whatever it is, we’ll work it out.”

“He told me that—“ he muttered under his breath and I feared that something terrible had happened. Jamie suddenly squeezed my hands tight and inhaled sharply, his eyes meeting mine for the first time.

“Claire,” he said with a shaky breath. “Colum told me that my father… is alive.”

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of DC: Week of May 29th, 2019

Best of this Week: Doomsday Clock #10 - Geoff Johns, Gary Frank, Brad Anderson and Rob Leigh

And yet another wrinkle is added to the DC Universe.

Or should I say, “Metaverse” now? Yes, after I think three months since the last issue, Doomsday Clock returns with yet another strong issue that expands upon the mythos of the DC Universe and just how Doctor Manhattan viewed and affected things at the many different positions of time that he has been able to inhabit.

The issue is framed around an actor by the name of Carver Colman, a very huge star in DCs 1954, who has been referenced or used in previous issues. This gives some kind of continuity in the context of the story as Johnny Thunder was seen watching his movie in the retirement home al the way back in issue two or three. Colman, unfortunately, has a secret that gets him killed soon after wrapping up the filming of his biggest hit, The Adjournment and as we make it through the issue and the back and forth of his life, we find the biggest change to Doctor Manhattan’s character and how he has to bend to the rules of this new universe.

Doctor Manhattan actually meets Colman in 1938 when he was a struggling actor who had just lost his job delivering mail to a movie studio after an unfortunate accident and things he saw. Manhattan takes Colman out for some food, attempting to use him as a rod to focus on to look towards the future as he can’t seem to do so on his own after arriving. He does so and is able to see a year into the future, then four and so on. His abilities work again, but then he hears something strange.

A radio report of a man lifting a car into the air. The first appearance of Superman on April 13th, 1938. Suddenly, it was gone, the crowds of people were gone as if they never existed. He follows the path where Superman existed in 1938 and finds the Justice Society, having formed and waiting for Superman to answer their summons. Jay Garrick “Flash”, “Green Lantern” Alan Scott, Hawkman, Doctor Fate and others, waiting for the Man of Steel to join their ranks and suddenly, they too have never heard of him.

Manhattan follows the many arrivals of Superman, from 1956, to 1986 and sees his arrival change again and again, noting the many deaths of Ma and Pa Kent and how this “Universe” seems to use Superman as a focal point, even going to a thousand years from now when Superman was briefly part of the Legion of Superheroes. So to test how things revolve around Superman, he changes the past by moving the Lantern away from Alan Scott, killing him, and drastically changes the future, creating the New 52 Timeline.

Everything is recontextualized as Manhattan sees that this action changes this universe and that it’s constant state of flux affects the wider multiverse. From the parallel worlds, to the anti-matter, to the Dark Multiverse, Earth Prime is a “Metaverse” in his words. The others change to match whatever is going on in the Prime World and once it realizes what he’s done, it begins to fight back. Manhattan sees Wally West trying to fight his way back to the Universe. This one action causes a chain reaction that will lead to his inevitable confrontation with Superman where Superman either kills him or he kills the Metaverse.

Cutting back to 1954, Manhattan is at Carver Colman’s home on the night that he’s murdered. He doesn’t do anything to stop it.

There’s a saying that “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” In the Watchmen Universe, Doctor Manhattan was allowed to do or not do as he pleased because that world was a little bit more grounded or at worst cynical. Though, one might say that because he refused or didn’t care to use his power at a larger scale, Ozymandias’ “evil” won. Though Ozymandias thought what he did was the right thing, this series proved it it be disastrous in the wake of Rorschach’s journal being published, but initially Veidt’s plan did succeed. Doctor Manhattan escaping to the DC Universe put him into direct conflict with the Metaverse and its Hope. Its innate desire to have the good triumph over evil won’t let Doctor Manhattan get away with inaction and in his words, “To this universe of hope… I have become the villain.”

Words can’t describe how hype I was for this. With each and every issue, a new layer is added and brings us closer and closer to the epic conclusion that only Geoff Johns and Gary Frank can realize. I also love how they’ve expanded on the importance of Earth Prime, seeing as how it has indeed gone through many changes. It’s good to finally have an explanation that implies that even through the many reboots and retcons that if DC wanted to, they could tap into those timelines as main universes at any time. Everyone’s favorite time period matters or will matter again soon.

---------------------------------------------------

"One last adventure together…"

Runner Up: Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1 - Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Jonathan Glapion, FCO Plascencia and Tom Napolitano

Joker's words to describe his and Batman's last run together in the hell that is the world after some unexplained event killed numerous heroes, villains and just about anything else. It also describes what MAY be the last time we see Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo do a big Batman story together and I already feel like we're in for a BIG one.

After a curious case of large scale chalk drawings,  showing a dead Batman, leads the Dark Knight to the Crime Alley he inadvertently sets off a trap laid by an unknown assailant using the decomposing body of a ten year old child. He later wakes up in Arkham Asylum, apparently having been there since KILLING HIS FAMILY in Crime Alley all those years ago. Capullo does a great job of setting atmosphere and making things unsettling as even a small fly buzzing around and "Dr. Redd Hudd" looming over a straight jacketed Bruce Wayne looks creepy.

Arkham appears to be just a regular Asylum with Alfred showing up and trying to convince Bruce that Batman was all in his head, showing him a mock costume they made to keep him calm with a cowl stitched to a straight jacket. Bruce sees through it all and fights his way through Arkham until Alfred reveals the truth. He only wanted to keep his boy safe because half of Gotham was just gone. Years had passed and Batman has no idea what happened.

He later wakes up in a desert and coincidentally finds the head of The Joker. He wakes and immediately begins cracking jokes as Batman takes him and they begin to walk to Coast City. I don't know how much of this is real and that adds to the mystique of the story. We're never given an explanation as to how he got there from Arkham or how Joker is surviving.

They arrive at Coast City and the decayed corpse of Mogo looms over a giant crater and ruins. Joker says that all of the Lanterns fell and rings are just there for the taking. Suddenly the duo are attacked by projections of babies before being saved by Vixen and Poison Ivy. Ivy then knocks Bruce out just in case and he wakes up surrounded by the new Amazons; Vixen, Donna Troy, Poison Ivy, Supergirl and Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman explains that one day, Luthor just… convinced most that they should just take what they deserve. He told them that goodness was a lie and they just ate it up. It echoed the future that Luthor saw back in Justice League/Legion of Doom #5, but given that this is a Black Label book, one wouldn't be wrong if they didn't want to think of this as the explanation of that timeline because they're not in the same canon.

Wonder Woman also tells Batman that the one wielding the Anti-Life Equation may be one of the Boys and pleads with him to join the Amazons in Hades.

But Batman is Batman and he decides that he's going to put a stop to this.

Last Knight on Earth reads like an alternative ending for Scott Snyder's Justice League epic. Even though that story is far from over, not even close, there's this unsettling feeling that, if Scott didn't have to have the heroes win in the end, this should be the absolute endgame. A world, no UNIVERSE possibly, under siege by someone wielding the Anti-Life Equation, hope dead and dying and the ever creeping feeling of dread knowing that somehow life and death have lost enough meaning that Joker as a decapitated head still lives… this story is terrifying.

Honestly, this might be some of Capullos best art to date. With Glapion and Plascencia's help, this book feels so atmospheric and dark. Glapion accentuates Capullos lines and shading well with dark-dark inks, making Batman appear to be shrouded in it even in the sun. It's haunting, especially in the Arkham scenes where things are absolutely not as they seem and dark secrets hide behind and within the walls. Plascencia, on the other hand, can make even light and vibrant colors threatening. The red sand on Jokers jar is intense  and the Green Lantern babies are deadly. Hell, Coast City, Hall Jordan's crown jewel, looks unbelievably desolate, colored like a wasteland. Capullo pulls all of this together with as much detail as he possibly can and his work shows.

Faces are expressive, from Batmans fear, to Alfreds regret to Jokers madness. Body language is utilized greatly as Batman fights like a caged animal. He's taken aback by Jokers head, but still finds his resolve. Wonder Woman is still fierce, but even her edge has dulled with the sheer lack of hope that running away and going underground has given her.

This story is terrifying and I absolutely love it. From the creepy visuals of Capullos art, to the expression of thought because of the mature liberties Black Label books can take, it's all beautiful. This one is absolutely going to match my love for Batman: Damned and every one should go and read this. High recommend!

[joehasears]

The Top 50 Simpsons Episodes Ever Ever Of All Time Ever According To Some Guy

No preamble. You know what this is. Let’s go.

Homer’s Enemy Defining Quote Frank Grimes: I've had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? Everything! Eight seasons in, The Simpsons signed its own death-warrant by introducing Frank Grimes. Grimes is polite, professional and industrious, with a poetically tragic history ranging from parental abandonment to grain silo explosions. He’s the most real character in the show. His torture never ends and his pain is hilarious - “I live in one room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley”. Eventually, we witness the inevitable result of a reasonable and unlucky man spending time with Homer Simpson: a full-on nervous breakdown. The death of Frank Grimes is the show’s jump-the-shark moment. It might be one of the best episodes, but after showing this level of self-awareness and mean spirit, it was clear that the good times were on their way out. Still, the sight of Bart and Milhouse running rampant around a disused factory sure sugars the pill.

Realty Bites

Defining Quote Lionel Hutz: I’ll let you in on a little secret, Marge. ‘The right house’ is the house that’s for sale. ‘The right person’ is anyone.

Bending the truth is increasingly becoming an inseparable component of people’s livelihoods. As a result, this episode has aged very well indeed. Marge becomes an estate agent, only to find that she must resort to dishonesty in order to make a sale. It’s a smart little gem that skewers certain businesses’ perfectly legal day-to-day trickery. Largely though, this is on the list because it’s really funny. Aside from the ruthless and cheery Lionel Hutz making his final appearance, we get Snake trying to steal back his car “Lil Bandit” from Homer (“She needs premium, dude! Premium!”), the debut of endearingly pathetic salesman Gil Gunderson, and of course Kirk VanHouten appearing just long enough to get his arm sliced off with razor-wire.

Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken

Defining Quote Demon child: We know all your secrets.

Hey, look everyone! It's an episode from Season 10! That’s right, the most recent entry on the list and it came out two entire decades ago. Nonetheless, this one’s an underrated and quotable treat. After Homer and his friends get drunk and trash the elementary school, the local kids get the blame and a curfew is enforced by the adults. This is the kind of episode that captures some of the best parts of being a child: conspiring against grown-ups, secret societies, and discovering movies you’re definitely too young to watch. In this case, the kids collectively break curfew to watch ‘The Bloodening’ at the local drive-in, and are inspired to broadcast their parents’ embarrassing truths via radio until the curfew is lifted. It also pokes much-needed fun at the baggage that parents pass onto their offspring: “I had to talk to my mom all night. She’s got problems. Scary problems.” It’s consistently fun and funny, but its best moments revolve around ‘The Bloodening’. The film itself (a fond pastiche of The Village of the Damned), and Bart and Lisa imitating the demon children’s British accents are flat-out hilarious and make this episode (arguably) the show’s last true classic.

And Maggie Makes Three

Defining Quote Homer: Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay like this forever.

Rarely does TV walk the line between bleak and uplifting with such acrobatic skill. When looking through photo albums, Bart and Lisa wonder why there are no pictures of Maggie. This prompts Homer to recount her origin story, complete with a dramatic sperm impersonation. That being said, this isn’t really about Maggie at all. It’s about the happiness that Homer had to give up for her. Due to lack of funds, he leaves his dream job at the bowling alley to re-apply at the power plant, and in a moment of pure sadism, Mr Burns hangs a plaque in Homer’s workstation displaying the five most demotivating words in history: “Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever”. However, as is so often the case in TV and in life, love is the answer. On meeting Maggie for the first time, his perspective changes, and reveals to the kids where all the photos are: “I keep them where I need the most cheering up.” It’s a beautiful glance at the lives that parents abandon for the sake of parenthood, and it’s fully-loaded with great jokes as always. There’s Nightboat (“Ugh, every week there’s a canal!”), Homer polishing his head in the Shine-O-Ball-O, and Bart’s uncharacteristic fury at the lack of quality toilet paper.

The Simpsons’ Spin-off Showcase

Defining Quote Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop!

With 30 seasons and about 13 watchable ones, The Simpsons is now more bad than good. Its refusal to die a graceful death is an ironic tragedy, since they used to be so good at poking fun at desperate TV shows and networks that had run out of ideas. Speaking of which, to quote Troy McClure, “Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?” Leave your feelings at home - this one is pure relentless comedy. Chief Wiggum gets his own New Orleans detective show with Seymour “Skinny Boy” Skinner as his leg-man. Later on, the ghost of Grandpa Simpson teams up with Moe the Bartender to find love in a canned-laughter sitcom. Even when ‘The Love-Matic Grandpa’ sneaks in some very dark jokes (“I’ve suffered so long. Why can’t I die?”) it’s a gleeful and creative silliness that they never quite captured again. The final segment is a cynical lampoon on a very cynical format - squeaky clean everything’s-ok variety shows like Sonny & Cher and Laugh-In. ‘The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour’ replaces the bookish principled Lisa with a tall blonde cheerleader, and the gang work their way through dreadful sketches and songs about beavers and candy. The worse these segments get, the funnier they are. You can even see the show’s “Special Guest” Tim Conway fleeing the stage at the first opportunity. It’s a superb skewering of bad TV by a show that hasn’t been good for a very long time. “How do you keep The Simpsons fresh and funny after eight long years? Magic powers, wedding after wedding after wedding, and did somebody say “long lost triplets”?” They weren’t far off.

Two Bad Neighbors

Defining Quote George Bush [typing]: And since I'd achieved all my goals as President in one term, there was no need for a second. The end.

Never anger a writer with a public platform. On January 22nd 1992, President George Bush Sr. made a speech declaring his intentions to strengthen the American family - to make them “more like the Waltons and less like The Simpsons”. In response, the show released a promo clip of the family watching the speech, with Bart chipping in “Hey, we're just like the Waltons. We're praying for an end to the Depression too." That was a short-term response. A more lasting retaliation came sometime later in the form of this diamond of an episode - arguably the dominant image of George Bush Sr to an entire generation. Bush had been out of the White House for three years at this point, so there wasn’t much point in making him the subject of political satire. Instead, they sunk their efforts into a more worthy pursuit: being annoying. The writers cast him as the fusty Mr Wilson to Bart’s Dennis The Menace - a prim, proper and petty old fart whose suffering you can’t help but enjoy. Meanwhile, his wife Barbara is portrayed as a kindly and diplomatic grandmother figure who gels well with Marge. This, strangely enough, was also informed by real-life events. Barbara Bush said publicly that she thought that The Simpsons was “the dumbest thing [she] had ever seen”. However, the writers wrote her a letter posing as Marge, which moved Bush so much that she replied with an apology. So, to reiterate the moral of the story, be nice to comedy writers - they can make you a figure of fun for decades. And what fun this is.

Homer’s Barbershop Quartet

Defining Quote Principal Skinner: We need a name that’s witty at first, but gets less funny each time you hear it.

Matt Groening once curated the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival, arranging a line-up so shockingly good that they should have just given him majority control of the company. Either way, the bottom line is that he has a lot of time for music and so does the show. This episode is a muso’s dream, with Beatles references bouncing left right and centre, well-aimed snubs at the Grammy awards (“Hey! Don’t throw your garbage down here!”) and a final hurrah to the untainted joy of playing together. Homer forms a barbershop quartet called The Be Sharps with Principal Skinner, Apu and Chief Wiggum, who is soon replaced by Barney a la Pete Best and Ringo. Wiggum is one of the stars of the show here, and his dejection at being cast out is as endearing as his puppy-ish persona. Plus, we get our first glimpse at the beautiful soul hiding behind Barney’s tragic alcoholism. Nonetheless, we’re skating around the main attraction - a song written by Homer called ‘Baby On Board’ which makes The Be Sharps international stars and gives this episode its own irresistible theme tune. Oh, and George Harrison’s in it! What a nice fella.

Homer Badman

Defining Quote Kent Brockman: Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.

Boy oh boy has this one only gotten more relevant. Homer and Marge go to the Candy Industry Trade Show, during which he steals the highly valuable and delicious Gummy Venus de Milo. After driving the babysitter home, he notices said priceless work of confectionary stuck to her jeans as she exits the car. He peels it off and she mistakes his actions for sexual harassment. What follows is a funny, sharp and surprisingly even-handed dissection of trial-by-media, in which everything Homer does - from slipping over in the shower to looking for his keys - is further evidence of him being a dangerous pervert. It’s nice to have this episode in existence because this kind of subject (especially these days) is absolutely no fun to talk about. No one wants to be seen defending someone who might be a sexual predator, yet if you go too far the other way, you may be vilifying someone who’s done nothing wrong. It’s a thorny issue and this episode handles it very well indeed. The accusing babysitter isn’t the antagonist of the episode - after pointing the finger, she barely appears again. It’s the ensuing whirlwind of scandal propagated by the media for entertainment which is the actual monster. You really see Homer’s pain too - the shot of him watching TV in a reverie of depression is one of the show’s most resonant images. Nonetheless, laughs come thick and fast. Lest we forget, this is the episode that gave us the super-sour candy ball, Gentle Ben and ‘Under The Sea’.

Treehouse of Horror VI

Defining Quote Homer: Did anybody see the movie ‘Tron’?

There are now twenty-nine editions of The Simpsons’ Treehouse Of Horror. A non-canon cartoon horror-comedy showcase spoofing everything from Dracula to Harry Potter to The Omega Man, as well as dreaming up a few oddball ideas of its own - it’s an institution within an institution. So why is there only one of them on this list? Well, for a start, it’s a lot harder to make an impression or maintain consistent quality with three short stories rather than one 20-minute one. Segments are easier to remember than actual episodes. Treehouse of Horror VI is, however, a true standout. It starts out fun and silly, then gradually descends into something deeper, stranger and sadder. ‘Attack of the 50ft Eyesores’ is a nifty schlocky satire on advertising. ‘Nightmare On Evergreen Terrace’ recasts Groundskeeper Willy as Freddy Krueger with hilarious and surreal results. Dream sequences have always been one of the show’s many secret weapons, so to dedicate an entire Treehouse of Horror segment to them is very welcome - especially with Martin Prince as The Wizard of Latin, and Willy’s genuinely stomach-churning final incarnation as a giant bagpipe spider. These are both great shorts. That being said, nothing - not in this Halloween episode, nor in any other - compares to its finale: Homer3. Here, Homer finds a portal behind a bookcase and becomes trapped in a computerised vaporwave-esque 3D world full of grids, equations and geometric shapes. Speaking personally for a moment, this experimental, frightening and beautiful short changed my life. It’s definitely funny (I’m still waiting for the official classification of a Frinkahedron), but there’s a mystery and a loneliness to the world he finds. It was an entirely new feeling for me, a new concept, a new atmosphere, a new kind of fear  - of falling into hopeless unintelligible non-existence. It feels strange to say this about something as frivolous as Treehouse of Horror, especially when said segment ends with the line “Ooh! Erotic cakes!”. Nonetheless, Homer3 opened doors in my heart and mind that have never closed since.

Team Homer

Defining Quote Mr Burns: Look at that! All the way to the end with only one push!

You ever seen The Boat That Rocked? Is it good? I’ve seen it 6 or 7 times but I’m still not sure. On the one hand, it’s a dumb movie about a load of mates on a boat talking about how great music is while trying to stop “the man” from harshing their mellow. On the other hand, it’s a dumb movie about a load of mates on a boat talking about how great music is while trying to stop “the man” from harshing their mellow. That not-very-good film is surprisingly easy to love because it’s about a bunch of likeable schlubs being friends. It’s the same reason why ‘Team Homer’ is a great, rather than a “good” episode. (That and the jokes, obviously.) Homer, Apu, Moe and Otto form a bowling team called the Pin Pals, with Homer coercing the $500 start-up fee from Mr Burns during one of the latter’s ether trips. The team end up mopping the floor with the competition thanks to their camaraderie and it’s a real treat. Conflict has to come from somewhere though, and it does so in the form of a now-sober Burns who finds the cheque he wrote for “Bowling” (not to be confused with “Bowelling”) and insists on joining the team. The B-plot is well worth a mention too. After Bart’s Mad Magazine T-shirt causes a riot, Principal Skinner enforces school uniforms (“Alright, pick your size, extra small or extra large - we’ve got both! No pushing now, I… what? Oh, I’ve just been informed we’ve run out of extra large”). It doesn’t tackle any big concepts or break new ground. Nonetheless, Team Homer is a thoroughly sweet and memorable episode stuffed with great jokes and endearing character detail.

5 Brief Honourable Mentions

- A Milhouse Divided

Pour one out for Kirk VanHouten, one of TV’s great deadbeat dads. Rarely does a minor character’s ego get such a thorough kicking as his. He gets divorced, gets fired, watches his wife run off with a gladiator, buys a bed designed for a manchild and cuts a demo tape called ‘Can I Borrow a Feeling’. Tough break.

- Brush With Greatness

Homer finds Marge’s portraits of Ringo Starr in the attic, prompting her to rediscover her yen for painting. It’s always nice when we glimpse what talents and pursuits Marge gave up to be a mother - yours and my parents probably did something similar. Plus, y’know, Ringo Starr - “I hung it on me wall!”

- Kamp Krusty Bart and Lisa get sent to Krusty The Clown’s summer camp, only to discover it’s basically a gulag in the woods. A gulag with sweet, nourishing gruel.

- Grade School Confidential Principal Skinner and Mrs Krabappel kindle a secret romance, using a disgruntled Bart as a messenger and confidante. We almost never get to see such miserable characters being so radiantly happy.

- I Love Lisa Gross, gormless and good-natured Ralph Wiggum experiences his first unrequited crush. You can indeed pinpoint the second that his heart rips in half. Fun Fact: this was based on the experiences of showrunner Al Jean, who actually did receive a Valentine's card at school reading “I Choo-Choo-Choose You”.

Lisa’s First Word

Defining Quote Bart: I liked it when it was just me, Mom and Homer. You wrecked everything.

As with the last flashback episode seen here, this isn’t really about the person in the title. First and foremost, this is Bart’s story, specifically his transition from “only child” to “older brother” and hating every minute of it. You know the story - the family find out they’re expecting, they move to a bigger house, and Bart tries to get rid of Lisa until she says her first word “Bart”, thus proving that she’s loved him the entire time. Nonetheless, it’s not the plot that makes this episode brilliant so much as its sense of perspective. ‘Lisa’s First Word’ is one of TV and film’s very best attempts at capturing the mindset of a child. A great example of this is when Bart finds out he’s soon going to have a new brother and sister, and he fantasises about the benefits of having a baby around - having someone to blame for drawing on the wall, using them to prop up a ramp for his tricycle etc. I’d really recommend watching this scene again. Notice how bare the rooms are, that there are no buildings on the road he rides his trike on, and that the baby itself (who he refers to as “baby”) is a near-expressionless human lump. This is how kids dream. At that age, our imaginations are less developed and the imagery they project is very basic. Childhood memories are also portrayed perfectly, with the drifting montage of “From now on the baby sleeps in the crib… Iron helps us play!... Ahoohohooohoohohooohohooo!!!... Hello Joe!!” circling around his head. Everyone has childhood memories which are scary or unpleasant for reasons they can’t explain. Even “Hello Joe!” - one of the most quoted lines in the show (certainly when I’m in the room) - is said by a woman with dementia who never appears again, ever. Haunting indeed. Nonetheless, all’s well that ends well. Bart and Lisa have their ups and downs but this shows their first spark of sibling affection. What’s more, it ends with Maggie’s first word spoken by (I’m absolutely 100% serious) Elizabeth Taylor. In many ways, the story that happens in ‘Lisa’s First Word’ is pretty unremarkable, but when you’re a young child, every life-change feels earth-shaking. It’s really quite miraculous how well that feeling is bottled here. Also, there’s that bit where the Korean gymnast breaks his leg. Good times.

Lisa The Beauty Queen

Defining Quote Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk? Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

After a caricaturist draws a picture of Lisa chasing boys, she develops a complex about her appearance. In response, Homer sells his ride on the famous Duff blimp to enter her into the Little Miss Springfield beauty pageant. After some initial protests, Lisa agrees and throws herself into the role, eventually being awarded the title after the original winner gets struck by lightning. Pageant-material beauty isn’t something we associate with Lisa, but she uses her charm to rise to a position of power and influence, refusing to stick to the script provided by her sponsors, Laramie Cigarettes. Her independence proves irksome to her employers, who strip her of her title on a technicality. Not an awful lot to annotate about this episode but the rewards come from Lisa finding her voice. In more recent seasons (aka “the bad seasons”), she’s a preachy condescending bore, but here she’s full of righteous rage, gladly biting the hand that feeds her and risking her position for the sake of her moral compass. It brings out the best in her and her family. Lisa-centric episodes in the classic seasons are always reliable stand-outs, and this is so boringly great there’s really not much else to say. She’s as vital a role model now as she ever was, for children and adults. Standout jokes include Skinner going all green-beret on Disney’s lawyers, Amber Dempsey winning Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher, and the absolute worst show-tune in history (“L the losers in her wake, I the income she will make, T is for her tooth-filled mouth, T is for her tooth-filled mouth”).

Sideshow Bob Roberts

Defining Quote Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalise criminals and rule you like a king.

Oh boy… well, looks like The Simpsons accidentally satirised the future again, and it’s more uncomfortable than ever. Dangerous right-wing views? Check. Narcissistic crowd-pandering candidate? Check. Substantial accusations of electoral fraud? Check. Sure, these things were around long before Donald J Trump combined all-this-and-more into an all-powerful omnishambling fuckstorm. Nonetheless it’s still frightening and brilliant how right this episode had it, two decades before its peak relevance. Sideshow Bob, a man who had already framed one person for armed robbery and tried to kill two others, is released from jail with the help of a conservative talk-show host Birch Barlow (a deliberate dead-ringer for Rush Limbaugh). He then becomes the Republican candidate for Springfield mayor and soars in the polls thanks to his charisma, his skill as an entertainer and media smear campaigns… oh god… Well, it sure is great in all the ways satire should be. It’s a scary time in the Western world right now thanks to the same political corruption and voter complacency that this episode nails to the wall. Its subjects are just too exhausting to talk about right now, so frankly it’s a goddamn miracle that this episode is still so much fun to watch.

Colonel Homer

Defining Quote Lurleen: Oh, Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without, you know, wanting something in return.

Since creating the show, Matt Groening hasn’t actually had an awful lot to do with the creative direction of The Simpsons. In fact, how many episodes did he write on his own? Just this one, but that gives him one hell of a scoring average. After an argument with Marge, Homer drives a long way from home and, after winding up at a redneck bar, he’s captured by music of a singing waitress called Lurleen Lumpkin (based on country legend Loretta Lynn). He convinces her to record her songs and she becomes an overnight sensation. Lurleen falls head-over-heels in love with Homer and a gigantic emotional mess ensues. The Simpsons would try and re-run this plot-line in the future, each with another temptress trying to steal Homer away (see: ‘The Last Temptation of Homer’) but none of these come close to the heart and resonance of Colonel Homer. It boils down to this: everyone in this love triangle is vulnerable, none more so than Lurleen. She’s had a hard life, and when a man arrives who treats her with kindness and respect, she can’t bear the thought of losing him - a far more realistic and poignant dilemma than most. A huge amount of credit belongs to her voice actor Beverly D’Angelo - far more credit than most guest stars have earned, in fact. For a start, Lurleen sings four great songs throughout the episode, and not only does D’Angelo sing beautifully, but she also wrote them. Quite the feat considering I’ve never forgotten them. As well as being a sensitive and funny look at the temptation of extramarital attraction, it’s the episode’s portrayal of music that makes it soar. It brings people together, it comforts, it seduces, it apologises and it heals. There is so much affection in this episode - for music, and the people who are overpowered by it.

Lisa On Ice

Defining Quote Homer: Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Sibling rivalry, am I right? After Lisa is told she’s failing gym class (something that Homer seems to value a great deal because “Sports sports sports sports sports!”) she is coerced into joining a pee-wee hockey team. She suddenly finds out she has a God-given talent as a goalie and becomes a foul-mouthed net-guarding wunderkind. Unfortunately, hers and Bart’s hockey teams are soon due to play against each other, which makes reconciliation impossible - right up until the last moment. The ending single-handedly makes ‘Lisa On Ice’ one of the sweetest episodes, but it’s also one of the funniest. We’re treated to Homer being superbly unhelpful by encouraging the competition, Marge stealing Milhouse’s teeth to make a point, Bart’s remorse over the death of Mr HoneyBunny and of course the forever-quoted “Don’t make me run, I’m full of chocolate”. It’s just as much of a war between the parents as well as the kids. Nonetheless, Marge’s compassionate influence wins, resulting in a final scene that’ll make you want to call a family member and tell them you love them.

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Defining Quote Lindsey Nagle: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.

Maybe The Simpsons can last forever, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean that it should. Twenty years after its last good season, the show is still going. Still going and utterly utterly wretched. If you want to know how the writers feel about this, watch ‘The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show”. The beloved ultraviolent cat-and-mouse cartoon show Itchy and Scratchy is losing viewers, and in an act of desperation, the network decides to add a new character: Poochie The Dog. I once went to a talk by the memoirist David Sedaris, during which he said “You should choose only one thing to be offended by, and I choose cartoon animals in sunglasses. If Paddington 2 was made in America, he’d ride a skateboard and say “Awesome”.” That’s Poochie in a nutshell - a misguided, focus-grouped and joyless disaster. What’s more, Homer is roped into playing the doomed new character, so we get a front-row seat in watching his dreams get crushed. This is a real rarity in TV - a sharp and self-aware meta-commentary that never stops being funny. It’s an episode about the show itself, and the writers even take a few pot-shots at their fans. Otto: Woah, a talking dog! What were you guys smokin’ when you came up with that? Writer: We were eating rotisserie chicken. In a perfect world, this would have been the last episode of the show. Maybe two more seasons and then have this as the finale? Either way, it’s a sensitive and diplomatic demonstration about why good things must come to an end, or else they’re just not good any more. Ahem.

Marge vs The Monorail

Defining Quote Lyle Lanley: So then - “mono” means “one”, and “rail” means “rail”. And that concludes our intensive three-week course.

It’s hard to think of an episode that’s such a universal crowd-pleaser as this one. When Mr Burns is fined $3M for dumping toxic waste, a town meeting is called to decide what to do with the money. After numerous sensible suggestions, Lyle Lanley - a flashy salesman played by the irreplaceable Phil Hartman - appears from nowhere and whips the crowd into a frenzy over his pitch for the Springfield Monorail. Lanley proves to be a total crook and after Marge discovers his notebook featuring nothing but diagrams of him running away with suckers’ money, it’s up to her to prevent total disaster. This one was written by the most famous alumni of The Simpsons’ writers’ room - Conan O’Brien. It figures - this episode is enough of a CV to get you whatever job you want. It really feels like every line is somehow memorable and quotable, even… huffffffff - ok. Ok, there’s one thing I hate, HATE about this episode. For some reason they bring Lurleen Lumpkin back, just to show her in and out of rehab with a voice like a brillo-pad, and having spent the previous night in a ditch. Thanks to Kent Brockman’s reaction (“How about that, folks!”) it’s still funny, but goddamn is it mean-spirited. And thank goodness I got that out of the way, because every single other part of this episode is great. Everyone knows it, everyone loves it, no one needs to explain it. Anyway, I’m just gonna reel off some quotes because there’s nothing else to say. “The ring came off my pudding can!”; “I call the big one bitey”; “And two comely lasses of virtue true”; “I shouldn’t have stopped for that haircut. Sorry”; “All those bald children are arousing suspicion”; “I like the way Snrub thinks!”; “A solar eclipse - the cosmic ballet goes on”; “Mono- d’oh!”. Etc. Done.

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

Defining Quote Marge: I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.

This, right here, is where The Simpsons totally mastered the art of neutral satire. ‘Itchy & Scratchy & Marge’ puts censorship, media influence on children and puritanical pressure groups under even-handed scrutiny. After Maggie attacks Homer with a mallet, Marge levels the blame at the cartoon violence of Itchy and Scratchy - not without reason. To the annoyance of Bart, Lisa and a host of other fans of the show, she starts a protest movement, which catches fire quickly. The frequent hypocrisy of these “moral” crusaders also gets thoroughly lampooned when Itchy & Scratchy creator Roger Meyers reads his hate mail: “I will never watch your show, buy any of your products... or brake if I see you crossing the street? Wow, that’s cold.” For better or worse, the movement achieves everything Marge wanted, but despite “conveying a very nice message about sharing”, the “new and improved” Itchy and Scratchy is unwatchable and the children turn off the TV. The utterly beautiful Beethoven-soundtracked sequence showing all the kids playing outside on a sunny day has a sad ironic tinge to it. The prettier it gets, the less realistic it feels. It’s only when Michelangelo’s David comes to an exhibition in Springfield that Marge’s worldview is challenged. She thinks it’s a work of art and everyone should see it, but then her own pressure group wants it banned. “It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical though they may be, are evil.” In the end there are no winners or losers, but it illustrates a multi-faceted and ever-relevant conversation in rich detail. This is one of the most flat-out clever episodes from start to finish. Wisdom embraces doubt, and there’s doubt from every angle here, not to mention jokes for days. “Wasn’t that funny, boys and girls? Well?? Wasn’t it!?”

‘Round Springfield

Defining Quote Lisa: How come it won’t stop hurting?

Lisa’s hero, the local unlucky jazz musician Bleeding Gums Murphy, only appears as a speaking part in two episodes. This is the second, and most definitely the last. Look out, boys and girls - we’ve got a gut-wrenching story about grief on our hands. When Bart is hospitalised with an appendicitis, Lisa runs into her idol in the adjacent room and they have a spirited chat and jam. She continues to visit him, and he even gives her his sax. Overwhelmed with passion and gratitude, she brings the house down at her school band recital, but upon returning to tell him the good news, a nurse informs her that Bleeding Gums has passed away. What we’re left with is one of the most consistently heartbreaking and stirring episodes within the classic seasons. We witness Lisa trying to handle the demise of her hero, attending his otherwise deserted funeral, and realising how she may have been the only person whose life he truly touched. We should give extra credit to Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa, who gives one of her most moving performances ever. Even the score - which adds saxophone fills to its usual strings and woodwinds - adds to her haunted state of mind. Nonetheless, there are some flat-out hilarious set-pieces, such as Homer trying to improvise a jazz melody, and Bart imagining his reincarnation as a butterfly. Bart is a particular treat in this episode, coming through for his sister by spending a whopping $500 on Bleeding Gums’ album so Lisa can honour his memory. On a curiously positive note, it ends with a magical-realist jam session with a cloud-dwelling ghost (yep) and the knowledge that those who inspire and move us are never truly gone. ‘Round Springfield is a gigantic and worthy salute to the artists who make us feel less alone in the world.

Bart Gets an F

Defining Quote Bart: No, you don't understand! I tried this time, I really tried! This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!

Bart isn’t always an easy character to like. The “bad boy” rarely is, but the times in which he earns your love are worth treasuring. He’s Homer’s son through and through - not too bright, often short-sighted when it comes to emotional consequences, and a surprisingly big heart. The Simpsons’ second season brought a new polished look, sharper writing and slicker voice acting, and it kicked off with a glorious showcase for Bart’s vulnerability. He doesn’t enjoy failure, even though he courts that image as a defensive strategy. Academia, however basic, isn’t his strong suit, and he struggles to concentrate and apply himself. However, when he’s threatened with the possibility of having to repeat the fourth grade, he does his absolute best. He asks for help from Martin, the school brainiac, and works the whole way through a (gorgeously animated) snow day in order to pass a history test. His frustration is palpable - endearing as it is concerning. When he asks Mrs Krabappel to grade his paper there-and-then, he still gets an F, and bursts into hysterical tears in one of the most devastating moments in the entire show. How anyone can watch this episode and not immediately warm to Marge’s special little guy is a mystery. This also might be Nancy Cartwright’s finest example as a voice actor. Nonetheless, after demonstrating applied knowledge at the last minute, Bart is given a D-minus and passes by a hair’s breadth, so he can finally… stay in the fourth grade for the rest of his cartoon shelf-life. Okie dokie then!

5 More Honourable Mentions

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Marge Gets a Job

After some “creative” CV editing by Lisa, Marge lands a job at the power plant to pay for the house foundation repair. The biggest laughs come from when Mr Burns falls in love with her - “Why, Marge! Look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You’re a mess, woman!”

- Bart Gets Famous After a fateful accident as an extra on the Krusty the Clown Show, Bart becomes a media sensation with a silly catchphrase and discovers that fame is indeed a fickle bitch-goddess.

- Homer’s Phobia No it’s not in the countdown. Shock of shocks, gay jokes from the 90s haven’t aged all that well. That being said, not only are a decent chunk of them still very funny here, but it’s about as optimistic a portrayal as you could have hoped for at the time. Plus, he may be an “issue of the week” character but John fucking Waters is in it!! Zzzzzapp!!

- Bart’s Dog Gets an F Santa’s Little Helper is the star of the show for the first time since the pilot. He and Bart bond over their shared incompetence while desperately trying to get him a passing grade in obedience school. Bless.

- Marge on the Lam

Marge and her new neighbour take a road-trip in a stolen vehicle while Homer and Wiggum give chase. Not nearly as contrived as it sounds, this one is especially memorable for the portrayal of unlikely and impassioned adult friendships. Also, one of the most inexplicable moments in the entire show “My cans! My precious antique cans! Ohh, look what ya done to em.”

Scenes From a Class Struggle In Springfield

Defining Quote Homer: You kids should thank your mother. Now that she’s a better person we can see how awful we really are.

The whole “be yourself” narrative is common for a reason - it’s versatile, it’s easy to inject conflict, and it’s nearly always true. This here episode is a prime example, and tackles the ever-relevant topic of social class in the process. Marge finds a bargain-priced Chanel suit at a charity shop and, after a chance meeting with an old school friend, is invited to a swanky country club. Despite the fact that the group of socialites she’s landed with are a combination of clueless, malicious and boring, she desperately wants to earn their respect. She talks about recipes and the rewards of self-reliance; they talk about microwaving soup and getting the maid to clear up the resulting mess. She loves her chance-discovery of a Chanel suit; they have too much to be grateful for what they have. It’s a superb send-up of the hollow idealisation of wealth. Nonetheless, fitting in clearly means a great deal to Marge, to the extent that she begins to resent her family. The effort of trying to “fit in” is completely exhausting, and when she accidentally destroys her suit by altering it for the dozenth time, her irrational obsession with social status reaches breaking point. Meanwhile, Homer proves to be a natural golfer and wins a tournament against a far-too-proud Mr Burns laughs ensue. Not only are the jokes funny throughout, they often make sharp points. Who couldn’t be admire Lisa’s mischief when she declares “I’m going to ask people if they know their servants’ last names - or in the case of butlers, their first.” Marge does indeed learn to “be herself”, but most importantly, she realises that this isn’t a compromise. Extravagance made no one happy, not even the rich snobs, and in the modern era when extreme wealth is causing more problems than ever, that’s a worthy lesson to learn.

Homerpalooza

Defining Quote Abe Simpson: I used to be ‘with it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you.

There’s a bit in the David Lynch film ‘The Straight Story’ in which a group of polite young whipper-snappers ask the elderly protagonist “What’s the worst thing about being old?” He replies “Remembering when you were young.” Even though Homerpalooza guest stars a bunch of the very best and most influential musicians of the 90s (and Peter Frampton), this isn’t really about music. First and foremost, it’s about letting go of youth. The acknowledgement that you’re a fragile person-of-a-certain-age is a hard lesson to learn, and the pursuit of being cool is a giant obstacle to this. After being told by his kids that he has “the worst lamest taste in music ever” Homer buys them all tickets to the Hullabalooza music festival to prove that he is indeed “with it”. At some point he gets blasted in the stomach by a giant model pig (who hasn’t?), which prompts the on-site Freak Show to talent-scout him as “a big fatso we can shoot with a canon”. Despite the obvious and worrying dangers to his health, Homer perseveres because it wins him attention and respect, especially from Bart and Lisa. It’s something of an unhelpful cliche being told that you’re definitely going to become “lame” and “uncool”, but then again, being cool is not a substitute for being kind or interesting. That knowledge comes with age. Ok that’s the po-faced philosophising out of the way. No one watches this episode for that reason. They watch it because Cypress Hill attempt to play Insane In The Brain with the London Symphony Orchestra, Sonic Youth steal Peter Frampton’s watermelon and, dude, Otto’s shoes are talking to him! It’s also fitting that the episode is well and truly stolen by its least cool guest. Peter Frampton is one of the flat-out funniest non-actors to ever appear on the show. “Do you FEEL? Do… do you FEEL… Oh, come on, DO. YOU. FEEL…!”

Bart After Dark

Defining Quote Principal Skinner: I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

And today’s topic, boys and girls, is “shame”. After trying to retrieve a remote control aeroplane from the roof of a creepy posh house, Bart falls and damages a valuable stone gargoyle. Marge and Lisa are away scrubbing the oil off rocks (all the cute animals had been reserved for celebrities), so Homer tells him to do chores for the owner as a punishment. What Homer doesn’t know is that the house is a private gentlemen’s burlesque club and Bart proves to be an exceptionally useful member of staff. Bart After Dark is supreme comedy and pokes fun at uncomfortable truths that really needn’t be uncomfortable at all. We may be more permissive and unabashed about sexuality these days, but there is still an alarming proportion of “respectable” people hell-bent on denying a harmless facet of human nature. The people who work at the club enjoy their jobs and the clients certainly enjoy their time there. (Incidentally, it’s really nice to see Bart take pleasure and excel at tasks he’s actually been asked to do.) The obstacle arrives in the form of Marge, who becomes an emblem of so-called “moral outrage” for the duration. Like Roy Cohn punishing queers in the Lavender scare, everyone who rallies against the Maison Derriere is motivated by their own guilt and shame, until it all comes crashing down in perhaps the greatest single musical number The Simpsons ever laid down: ‘We Put The Spring In Springfield’. Oh to count the ways that this song is wonderful. It’s exactly as silly, harmless and joyful as sexuality should be portrayed, and when the whole town joins in and the song ends with a burp from Barney, the scandal has evaporated. As Homer so wisely observed “We could tear this house down, but we’d be tearing down a part of ourselves.”

22 Short Films About Springfield

Defining Quote Bart: There’s just not enough time to hear them all.

What you’re watching here is the start of a colossal missed opportunity. The legendary ‘22 Short Films About Springfield’ (which includes our generation’s Dead Parrot Sketch ‘Steamed Hams’) was such a success that the show-runners seriously considered using it as a template for a spin-off show called simply ‘Springfield’. It would have been great, right!? I’m serious! By drifting away from the core family in a more episodical character-of-the-week format, they might have been able to retire the original show in its prime and have more potential for non-stale jokes and storylines. How about that, folks? Well, here in the real world, this superb melting-pot of vignettes was as close as we got. True, Apu’s story ‘The Jolly Bengali’ is about as racially uncomfortable as the show ever got, and it’s the only episode in the classic seasons to play the threat of rape for laughs (it’s ok because they’re men…?). Nonetheless, ‘22 Short Films’ has so many classic moments it’s almost impossible to provide a fitting summary. Instead, here are some fun facts:

- Principal Skinner’s “steamed hams” story consists of thirteen interconnected lies.

- When shouting at Smithers, Mr Burns uses accurate 19th Century slang terms.

- This is the only episode in which Bumblebee man is seen out of costume. - A scene with Lionel Hutz was dropped and is lost to history.

- The very tall man is a caricature of staff writer Ian Maxtone-Graham who is 6 foot 8.

One last thing, I declare the “very tall man” the most victorious character in any show. He turns up out of nowhere, delivers a righteous and ritualistic act of vigilante justice to a character who’s deserved it since season one, all in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, and is never heard from again. Well done, sir.

Homer at the Bat

Defining Quote Mr Burns: Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen. Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance - but nine misfortunes? I'd like to see that.

It’s a real treat when we witness bumbling boob Homer actually excel at something. Here, that “something” is the power plant softball team, who ascend the ranks alarmingly fast thanks to Homer and his homemade “Wonderbat”. Unfortunately, their success attracts the attention of Mr Burns who puts a million-dollar bet on his team and decides to play dirty. He enlists nine pro-league baseball players, gives them token jobs at the plant and adds them to the line-up. It’s a real feat that the creative people behind the scenes managed to give a wide array of guest stars (none of whom we recognise in this country) such vivid personalities. These were actually based on the writers’ experiences interacting with them. For instance, they were very taken with Mike Scioscia, whose kind nature and enthusiasm for the show is reflected in his down-to-earth and endearingly funny persona. (Referring to the episode, Scioscia once said in an interview “Every year I get a residual cheque for $4. I cash them. I don’t want to mess up their accounting department.”) Meanwhile, a very intimidating and unpleasant Jose Canseco asked for his role to be “more heroic”, so they made him spend half his screen-time slavishly unloading a woman’s possessions from a burning building. (It’s hilarious and he didn’t like it - mission accomplished.) Baseball isn’t something we in England know much about, but in this case, as with all great sports stories, you don’t have to. It’s relentless genial knockabout fun from start to finish. It’s surprisingly detailed too. For example, every time someone is whistling or humming or playing in a band, the melody is a variation on either ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ or ‘We’re Talkin’ Baseball’. The long and the short of it is that Homer’s really good at something, everyone rallies around him, they hold him up when he becomes the underdog, he wins the game by accident and everyone loves him. Despite having nine separate guest stars (ten if you count the singer in the closing credits), ‘Homer at the Bat’ is one of the simplest episodes and the result is uncomplicated joy.

Bart The Lover

Defining Quote Edna Krabappel: Bart, you’re the closest thing to a man in my life - and that’s so depressing I think I’m gonna cry.

In its classic era, The Simpsons was a show beloved by kids and grown-ups for different reasons, but it never patronised either audience. In the case of this very-underrated-episode-indeed, we see Bart introduced to a raw, vulnerable slice of adult life and mistaking it for fun and games. After he smashes her fish tank with a yo-yo trick, Bart is given a long period of detention from Mrs Krabappel. However, when she leaves the room, he rummages in her desk to find that Edna has posted a personal ad in the Lonely Hearts section of the local paper. Adopting the pen-name “Woodrow” he begins an intimate correspondence with her as an act of combined boredom and revenge, taking inspiration from old colourised movies, a drunk postcard sent by his father and eavesdropping on her conversations. Eventually he schedules a date and, ready to laugh at her misfortune, Bart is instead confronted with the reality of adult loneliness - a sobbing desperate woman with no hope left. Bart is forced to acknowledge the cruelty of his mischief and the family bands together to write a final letter and set things straight. Aside from a gigglesome sub-plot involving a dog-house, a swear-jar and some “damn vegetables”, this is one of the most emotionally heavy episodes in the canon. ‘Bart The Lover’ won Marcia Wallace an Emmy for her portrayal of Edna and goddamn does she deserve it. The sound of her crying in the restaurant is overpowering all by itself. Not everyone gets exactly what they want by the end, but Bart gains a new sense of empathy with his teacher, as does every child watching the show. Nonetheless, it resonates loudest and truest for adult viewers. Anyone who’s ever woken in the night holding their own hand - this is yours.

Moaning Lisa

Defining Quote

Lisa: I'm just wondering what's the point? Would it make any difference at all if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering in the world?

Ay Caramba - it’s season one! Yes, this is absolutely the only entry from The Simpsons’ first lap around the track - a time when the actors all sounded like their mouths were full of felt, the animation was slightly grotty and the writers barely had any idea what they were doing. Seriously, can anyone watch ‘Homer’s Odyssey’ and explain to me what the hell that was actually about? That being said, amongst the muddled majority, a few episodes soar, none higher than this one. ‘Moaning Lisa’ is where The Simpsons hit a stride that would last for nine splendid years. Struck by an all-consuming existential depression, Lisa becomes a source of worry for her family. She sees no way out until the sound of a distant saxophone wafts through her bedroom window. She follows it and finds a musician called Bleeding Gums Murphy hanging out on a moonlit bridge. The pair jam and talk as equals until Marge comes to take her home. What’s really striking about this episode today is how optimistic it is about “the youth”. Marge’s advice to Lisa is to put on a big smile and disguise her feelings so people will like her, since that’s what she was taught by her own mother. “Before you go out that door, let’s put our happy face on - because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile!” Effectively, this is the writer staring down the lens and saying “Just because your parents said it, doesn’t mean it’s right”. Art is a method of breaking down a dishonest and stale way of life and it proves to be Lisa’s saving grace - well, that and Marge’s change of heart and she yanks her back into the car: “Lisa, I apologize to you, I was wrong, I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you and when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.” Emotions can be complicated and unmanageable to the point of death, literally. ‘Moaning Lisa’ doesn’t have any answers, per se, but answers don’t come from 20 minutes of TV. Instead we witness Lisa on the verge of developing an outlet, and a technique for surviving the world. These things are never perfected, but they have to start somewhere. For Lisa, they start here. An exceptionally soulful piece of work. Oh and Homer and Bart play a boxing video game which is also quite good.

$pringfield (or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Legalised Gambling)

Defining Quote Mr Burns: It’s got to have sex appeal and a catchy name…

Well, it’s right there in the title. Springfield legalizes gambling. This could have been an opportunity for some skewering satire about extravagance, casinos and exploitation of the gullible and vulnerable. Maybe it is a little, but… pfffft. Who cares. This is the episode with the boogeyman, Lisa’s “Floreda” costume, Homer’s photographic memory, Bart hijacking Robert Goulet, “Fresh’n yer drink guv’na”, Henry Kissinger’s glasses and Homer’s homemade breakfast. Having said that, absolutely none of this compares to Mr Burns’ Howard Hughes-style germaphobic breakdown. That’s the sort of thing that’s only funny if it’s done right, and on this episode, absolutely nothing is wrong.

Lisa vs Malibu Stacy

Defining Quote Lisa: Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! Bart: ...Just what I was gonna say.

Look, there are a lot of Lisa episodes on this list ok? She’s not the funniest character but she’s probably the best. I wanted to be her. I still want to be her. Her defining characteristic is her sense of moral principle, and while this would get very tiresome and ham-fisted in later seasons, that’s not the case here. On a visit to the toy store, she brings home the brand new talking Malibu Stacy, only to find that the doll’s pre-recorded phrases have a distinct sexist slant to them: “Let’s bake some cookies for the boys”; “Thinking too much gives you wrinkles”; “Don’t ask me, I’m just a girl”. After failing to make an impression with either her friends or the Malibu Stacy executives, she takes her complaint directly to the doll’s creator, played by the husky whiskey-matured voice of Kathleen Turner. She and Stacy Lavelle then develop their own talking doll, “Lisa Lionheart”. Their passion project is effortlessly squashed by the Malibu Stacy company, as big business does (“But she’s got a new hat!”). All seems lost until a little girl picks up a Lionheart doll and Lisa realises that she may still have made a difference. Once again, this saw The Simpsons addressing kids and adults without patronising either. I first became aware of the concept of casual sexism purely through watching this episode, and the value it places on small moral victories is refreshing even now. There will always be times when we see something wrong or missing within the world, and when complaining doesn’t work, the solution is to create an alternative. You won’t change everything, but you’ll change something. Also, gotta love Smithers’ screensaver.

You Only Move Twice

Defining Quote Hank Scorpio: Nice work, Homer! Boy, am I proud of you. When you get home, there’s gonna be a new storey on your house.

Look, I get it. It’s everyone’s favourite. And it’s a fine favourite to have. All 50 of the ones on this list are good favourites to have, as are about three dozen other episodes that aren’t here. Just because it’s number 21, doesn’t mean it’s not a ten. Regular guest star and future widowed clownfish Albert Brooks makes his finest appearance ever as genial boss and secret Supervillain Hank Scorpio. Apparently a lot of his dialogue was improvised for this so we can only dream of the gold that was left on the cutting room floor. What with Homer’s combined competence and obliviousness, circular discussions about hammocks and moccasins, Marge drinking a glass of wine(!) and - lest we forget - Hank’s cream and sugar, ‘You Only Move Twice’ is almost boringly perfect. It’s not like you need to think much about it. Everything’s been said. Any time spent reading or thinking about it is time you could have spent watching it. Now go away.

5 More Honourable Mentions

- Who Shot Mr Burns part 1 & 2 Perhaps the peak of the show as a cultural phenomenon. For a season finale and subsequent season premiere, The Simpsons turned itself into a great little murder-mystery with Mr Burns crossing a thoroughly unpleasant line - and betting shops giving odds on the killer’s true identity. Then they found out it was the baby. Okie dokie. And there’s a minute-long Twin Peaks-themed dream sequence! My greatest ever animated TV show referencing the greatest ever non-animated TV show? Christ, why wasn’t this on the list. Oh yeah, because it was the baby.

- The Boy Who Knew Too Much Bart is the only witness to a possible crime but can’t come forward without revealing that he skipped school. This one’s a laugh riot, especially spoilt socialite Freddy Quimby, and Skinner’s transformation from Terminator-esque “non-giving-up school guy” to Homer’s hen-pecked room-mate.

- Radioactive Man Comic book hero Radioactive Man is getting his own movie and Springfield has been chosen as the filming location. Arnold Schwarzenegger stand-in Ranier Wolfcastle is on top form, as is an extremely put-upon Milhouse in the role of Fallout Boy (and yes, the band name comes from this episode).

- Grampa vs Sexual Inadequacy Grampa comes up with a homemade and devastatingly effective aphrodisiac drink and goes into business with Homer. It’s always nice to see a show making sex as silly as it is, but the real payoff comes from Homer and Abe confronting a hailstorm of daddy-issues. Also, someone finally bought a copy of Al Gore’s book! This calls for a celebration!

- Natural Born Kissers Speaking of sex, Homer and Marge are losing their libido and find an unexpected thrill in the fear of getting caught. Like Homer’s Enemy, this is a great episode that also signalled a death-knell for the show. By confronting this risque issue, it was clear that they were running out of conflicts to invent, but as it stands, it’s a real treat, and refreshing in its brazenness.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song

Defining Quote Principal Skinner: I’d like one with two seats, I’ll be dining with a friend tonight.

The chalkboard gag for The Simpsons’ 100th episode was “I will not celebrate meaningless milestones”. To further underscore this, ‘Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baadasssss Song’ is one of the most low-key and subtle stories they ever turned in. Rather than produce a spectacle, they shone a much-needed spotlight on one of the show’s most interesting characters. Bart brings his dog into school for show-and-tell and gets an ecstatic reception from kids and staff alike. Unfortunately, Santa’s Little Helper finds his way into the air duct system which - combined with a greased-up Willy and an ill-timed visit from Superintendent Chalmers - ends up getting Principal Skinner fired. After a few chance meetings outside of school and a guilty sense of duty, Bart accepts Skinner’s invitation to his home. Much like his fake romance with Edna Krabappel, this episode sees Bart glimpsing the inner life of an adult, and though the result is a lot less dramatic, this ends up working in its favour. It takes a special lightness of touch to make these two believable companions. Neither Bart nor Skinner is pretending to enjoy themselves - they like hanging out and it’s just lovely to watch. Speaking of “lightness of touch”, replacement Principal Ned Flanders is causing total anarchy with his lack of discipline and over-optimism, and it becomes clear to Bart why the school needed an uncool law-enforcer. Despite every other character finding him boring, Skinner is one of the richest presences in the show, and this is where he really takes flight. We see him unselfconsciously air-conducting to Beethoven’s 5th, finding an uncomfortable self-awareness as a fusty square after rejoining the army, and even showing an intriguing streak of queerness.  Skinner: How do I get out of the army? Bart: No problemo - just make a pass at your commanding officer.  Skinner: Done and done. And I mean “done”.  When the pair reassume their roles as Principal and student, it’s exceptionally bittersweet. It’s hard to imagine Skinner having any friends at all, and it’s not like Bart is used to having such an even-handed relationship with an adult. In the end, their rivalry is unavoidable, but thanks to this episode, it has an indelible shadow of poignancy too. Hardly a meaningless milestone.

A Streetcar Named Marge

Defining Quote Llewellyn Sinclair: “I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care - I'm planning for a fourth.”

As long as there are amateur dramatic productions making a good-natured mess of classic literature, comedy will never die. To escape her unappreciated baby-focused home life, Marge auditions for a musical version of A Streetcar Named Desire and wins the female lead. For better or worse, the play becomes a magnifying glass into Marge’s relationship with Homer which is hitting something of a low-point. Fair play, too. Homer is an utter boob in this episode - impatient, demanding, selfish, annoying and deluded. Anyway, Homer sees the play, it goes really well and he finally understands that he needs to make more effort and that he loves her. The end. Lovely stuff. Anyway, let’s talk about Jon Lovitz, the voice of Artie Ziff, Jay Sherman, Professor Lombardo and, of course, Llewellyn Sinclair, the most passionate caftan-wearing am-dram director in the world. The improvement he makes to whatever episode he’s in is very noticeable. In this case, we’re treated to a 2-for-1, since he also plays Llewellyn’s sister, proprietor of Maggie’s day-care centre The Ayn Rand School For Tots. This might be Maggie’s finest hour - a Great Escape-esqe heist against a fascist nanny? Yes please. However, the real peak comes from the musical itself. “Can’t you hear me yell-ah, you’re puttin’ me through hell-ah, Stella”; “New Orleans!”; “Oh, what’s a paper boy to… dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?” Charming, silly, catchy and missing the point of the source material spectacularly - ‘Oh! Streetcar!’ is one of the finest musical moments in a show already chock full of them. Also! You WILL want sPEAK with the exACT intensity of Lllllewellyn Sinclaiirrr, for the REST of your LIFE.

Marge Be Not Proud

Defining Quote Marge: I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road his hand slipped away from mine.

Boy, did this one make a dent in our collective souls. An autobiographical episode from writer Mike Scully, Bart is caught shoplifting a video game and goes to great lengths to conceal his crime from his parents. All seems well until the family go to the same store to get their Christmas picture taken. The store detective shows them the CCTV tape and all illusions are gone. Ouch. Parents and children will break each other’s hearts hundreds of times over, some worse than others. Before this episode, we’d already had six and a half seasons of Bart being a cheeky menace, but this one-step-too-far shatters Marge’s perception of her son, causing her to withdraw her affection and become distant. No one cries in this episode, and it might be less powerful if they did. Instead Bart is left with a chilly ambivalence, and sorely missing the “mothering” which he was “too cool” or “too old” to put up with before. He even asks Milhouse’s mother if he can hang out with her while she does “mom stuff”, culminating in his almost-funny request: “Tell me I’m good?” Trust The Simpsons to take a story this sad and make it this funny. Milhouse (now known as “Thrillho”) is an splendid dweeb as always, Homer buys a fridgeful of eggnog (“We only get 30 sweet noggy days til the government takes it away again!”) and, of course, the towering chain-smoking store detective himself, Don Brodka. Easily one of the strangest one-off characters in the classic seasons, his off-the-wall intimidating personality can be attributed to his off-the-wall intimidating voice actor, Lawrence Tierney. A veteran film-star, Tierney turned up drunk, shouted at staff, tried to record lines in a Southern accent and refused to read anything if he “didn’t get the jokes”. Nonetheless, the end result is memorable as hell. Of course, Bart manages to save the day with a grand, dignified and sentimental gesture and there’s not a dry eye in the house. His best Christmas present is getting his mother back, and it certainly isn’t Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge. “You have selected ‘No’.”

Summer of 4 foot 2

Defining Quote Lisa [internally]: A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm… it’s clean!! Go!!

The family takes a trip to stay in the Flanders’ beach-house in Pwagmattasquarmsettport (thank you, copy & paste). Having recently developed a depressing awareness of her unpopularity at school, Lisa decides to “forget” to pack so she can pick out some new clothes. Now armed with a cool outfit and a new beach-bum persona, she decides to make friends with some skater kids, and ends up having the best summer of her life. Often, episodes like this get remembered for their rich emotional core, and while ‘Summer of 4 foot 2’ definitely earns that, it’s almost easy to overlook the sheer volume of great jokes. There’s Homer’s misadventures with illegal fireworks and Flanders’ “helpful notes around the house”, but these laughs are dwarfed by Milhouse who tags along for the trip. Whether he’s describing his favourite sprinkler systems or being “the dud” in the Mystery Date board game, there’s a good chance that he’s never been funnier. Nonetheless, this is Lisa’s story and it’s one of her most heartfelt. It also shows Bart at his nastiest. Overcome with jealousy, he takes Lisa’s yearbook - filled with evidence of her status as a Teacher’s Pet - and shows it to her new friends, effectively destroying her facade. Understandably, her self-esteem reaches crisis point: “Being myself didn’t work, being someone else didn’t work, maybe I just wasn’t meant to have friends”. However, just when all seems lost, she finds her beach pals decorating the family car with seashells, bearing the message “Lisa Rules”. It’s about as sincere a gesture as anyone could make (to the point that it counts as vandalism and the family get attacked by seagulls on the way home). Even Bart redeems himself by asking the kids to sign the yearbook, where they leave her messages she can keep. The notoriously geeky Simpsons’ writers (especially from this era) probably weren’t the most popular kids in school. It’s hard not to see this episode as an attempt to reassure the dorks of the world that there’s a place for them in the world, so long as they hang onto their curiosity and kind nature.

Cape Feare

Defining Quote Rake: *thwack*

In the first scene, Bart opens a letter bearing the phrase “I’m going to kill you” written in blood. If you’d never seen ‘Cape Feare’, you’d be forgiven for thinking that The Simpsons were about to go macabre - bringing the Treehouse of Horror out of the treehouse, if you will. Instead, this might be the most relentlessly silly episode in the classic canon. It’s a lot of people’s favourite and it’s very, very easy to see why. The jokes just don’t stop. Some you can file under “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it”, others go on forever and never wear out their welcome. Bart’s nemesis Sideshow Bob is released from jail and seeks revenge against the boy who got him locked away. Bob is clearly a smart man, but luck is not on his side. Despite managing to follow the family to their new home under the Witness Relocation Program, he falls foul of cacti, speed-bumps, elephants and - most memorably of all - rake after rake after rake. It’s strange to think that this legendary scene, beloved by everyone and their mum, was only added because the episode was running under the minimum length. It might be the greatest bit of last-minute padding in TV history. ‘Cape Feare’ ends with Bob singing the entirety of Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore - because that makes just about as much sense as everything else. It resists analysis and makes explanation pointless. Well, almost pointless. There is one thing about ‘Cape Feare’ that “makes a point”. Bob, this man who the writers torture over and over and over is a snobbish Conservative Republican and an avid defender of so-called “high culture”. These were the kind of people who embodied The Simpsons’ most vocal critics. It’s hard to know if you could call this episode “satirical” based on this, but it is safe to assume that the writers loved beating him up. It’s pure pleasure. Even singling out individual jokes is moot since by doing so you’re ignoring about eight dozen equally good ones.

Lemon of Troy

Defining Quote Marge: This town is a part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all. Sorry to repeat myself but it’ll help you remember.

Ok, I apologise but I really am about to bolt on some sincere armchair philosophy to this story about kids stealing a lemon tree. In an increasingly busy and international world, town pride is a neglected concept. We as human beings aren’t psychologically equipped to be burdened with this much information about what’s going on in Russia, Israel and Ethiopia etc. It makes us feel helpless when we see how little difference we can make. Meanwhile, there’s a lot to appreciate, improve and value on a more local scale. You can make a positive impact, whether it’s creating art, cleaning stuff up, volunteering, or getting back your beloved lemon tree from those cousin-marrying pricks next door. Springfield’s neighbours and rivals Shelbyville have stolen the fabled lemon tree, planted by Springfield’s founders because lemons were “the sweetest fruit available at the time”. Bart and his band of brothers set out to take it back, leading them on a treacherous trail of skateboard slopes, ravenous attack dogs, man-eating tigers, disguise kits and a lemon-shaped rock. It’s a bunch of kids rallying behind a noble cause, and when the adults catch up with them, they instantly join the team on principle. It’s one of the few episodes that qualifies as a legit “adventure story” and there’s no shortage of classic moments - the sour-faced man, the jet-pack graffiti paint and Milhouse getting ready to explode to name three. There’s a great sense of atmosphere in this one too. The tone of a golden summer’s day is baked right in, and Nelson even resists beating up Martin for the sake of the mission. Everyone’s a winner. Except Shelbyville. That turnip juice looks unpleasant.

The Way We Was

Defining Quote Homer: I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I’m gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I’ll never be able to let you go.

It’s really easy to be sentimental, but doing it well is another job entirely. Get it wrong and it’s manipulative; get it right and it might be as honest and heartening a slice of life as you can find. The story of Homer and Marge meeting falls into the latter category. In fact, it might be Exhibit A in why Homer is a sympathetic character in spite of his flaws. This episode shows him as a teenager, and quite possibly even dumber than usual. However, it’s meeting Marge that causes his heart to open, and we get to see just how much uncynical unpretentious good nature is in there. Meanwhile, Marge learns that while Homer is dim-witted, he respects her a lot more than her actual prom date. Let’s say another big friendly hello to Jon Lovitz starring as Artie Ziff - an intelligent but emotionally stunted narcissist who tries to undress Marge in the car. Artie is funny and loathsome in all the right ways. He’s a realistic respectable dork who sees women as a challenge to be conquered, despite praising Marge’s feminist attitudes. Needless to say, his downfall is very satisfying indeed. In this sense, Homer’s simple-mindedness is his greatest asset. He may have lied to her in order to spend time with her, but he was also willing to put every ounce of effort he had into becoming his best self. (If you want a very simple analogy for Homer and Marge in this episode, look at Fry and Leela from Futurama. Even Matt Groening, the man who created all four of those characters, said that the similarities are striking in retrospect.) ‘The Way We Was’ might not be a laugh-riot but it really doesn’t have to be. It’s also one of those rare instances in which a Simpsons episode plays like a self-contained short film. You don’t need any additional information about these characters in order to understand them in this moment. Homer’s pain and joy of being young and in love, and Marge’s yearning to be respected for her intelligence and kindness - you know how that feels. That line that Homer says to Marge in the car - the one at the top of this paragraph. Who wouldn’t want to hear that from someone who has earned it, and who wouldn’t want to say it back and mean it. You don’t have to be a teenager or a baby-boomer or yellow to feel it.

A Star Is Burns

Defining Quote Homer (internally): Hmmm… Barney’s movie had heart, but football in the groin had a football in the groin...

Hey, here’s an interesting fun fact. Notice anything different about the opening titles of this particular episode? After the family sit down and the TV displays the name of the show’s developers, Matt Groening’s name is missing. He objected to this episode so much that he demanded they remove him from the credits. What was so objectionable about ‘A Star Is Burns’? Hilarious and quotable from start to finish, and other than a one-off blip of 90s homophobia, it’s aged well too. Well, the reason for Groening’s beef was that this is actually a crossover episode. Long before The Simpsons and Family Guy joined forces for the worst man-made thing since global warming, Springfield was visited by Jay Sherman the critic, from the animated TV show ‘The Critic’. The Critic was cancelled after three seasons but it certainly has its charms - you can watch it on Youtube somewhere. Despite Matt Groening dismissing ‘A Star Is Burns’ as “an advert”, it’s one of the best episodes and you don’t need to know diddly-squat about ‘The Critic’ to find it funny. Springfield hosts a film festival to attract tourism and the locals enter their own movies in the competition. Among the many moments which devoted fans have memorised by heart include ‘McBain: Let’s Get Silly’, Mr Burns making a hideous self-tribute epic with Steven Spielberg’s non-union Mexican equivalent, and of course ‘Hans Moleman Presents: Man Getting Hit By Football’. That being said, perhaps its most memorable moment is surprisingly deep. Boozehound Barney Gumble makes a film about his own alcoholism, and while it’s funny in its own way, this is the first time we see him being self-aware. It adds a soulful and tragic depth to his character that can’t be unseen. Oh, and Jay Sherman is played by Jon Lovitz, which is a substantial net-gain for everyone.

Homie The Clown

Defining Quote Legs: I’m seeing double here! Four Krustys!

This episode spent a long time cooking. Have you ever noticed that - aside from the hair, the nose and the skin colour - Homer and Krusty the Clown look identical? This was a deliberate choice. The writers initially planned to reveal that Homer was living a double-life as his kids’ favourite entertainer the whooooooole time. This was scrapped, as was the plotline of Marge secretly being a giant rabbit who hides her ears in her hair (I am 100% serious, that’s real - look it up). Instead, the Homer-is-Krusty idea birthed just one concentrated 20-minute burst of silliness. No unnecessary tacked-on pathos here - just consistent, merciless and relentless laughs. Krusty is hemorrhaging money thanks to his absurd extravagance (“Hire Kenny G to play in my elevator; my house is dirty, buy me a clean one”) and his only option is to license his name for a clown college. Homer sees the billboard for the college and - being the ultra-suggestible dimwit he is - experiences a slew of clown-based hallucinations until he signs up. He learns how to be a Krusty impersonator, does events and parties, the Mafia get involved - it’s all a rich tapestry, kids! There’s no faux-high-brow points to make or philosophy-wormholes to get sucked into here (although it is lovely to see Homer earn such pride from his kids). An episode like this is like a perfect sandwich. You know what a sandwich is, you’ve had hundreds of sandwiches before - but once in a blue-moon you bite into one and instinctively know it’s one of the best things you’ve ever tasted.

Mr Lisa Goes To Washington

Defining Quote Lisa [reading her essay]: The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now.

“Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning, they're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.” This line appears in the first few minutes, effectively disarming you in time for one of the most profound episodes. Lisa wins first prize in a patriotic essay contest and the family are sent to Washington DC for the national finals. During a nighttime visit to the statue of a niche feminist icon, she observes her congressman taking a bribe to allow the destruction of Springfield Forest. This leads her to rewrite her essay as a brazen critique of government corruption, shocking the audience and judges. Unwittingly, she also spurs action against the dodgy dealings of the congressman, who is arrested by the end of the episode. “I can’t believe it - the system works!” You could say that this portrayal is unrealistic, but a more apt word would be “optimistic”. Since the show was popular with kids and adults, this episode is both a warts-and-all portrayal of American politics, and a message to children that they have the power to change the world. If a kid tells you he or she wants to be an astronaut, you don’t say “That’s not how the world works”, you encourage them. They probably won’t become an astronaut, but if you tell them they can’t, they definitely won’t. There are people who say entertainment is purely a distraction from more important issues. That being said, entertainment isn’t going anywhere and it’s up to artists to make it useful as well as fun. ‘Mr Lisa Goes To Washington’ was engineered to be inspiring, and it is. It’s a system, and sometimes it does indeed work. (Plus, you know, it’s got jokes and stuff.) Without a shred of exaggeration, Lisa at her best is the icon the world deserves.

One last glut of honourable mentions in 6 words each

When Flanders Failed Homer’s a redeemable swine after all

Lisa’s Pony It’s the (eventual) thought that counts.

Radio Bart Polite victims are easier to help

H-O-M-R Homer boosts IQ with crayon removal

New Kid On The Block Bart gets his heart ripped out

Mr Plow That’s his name. That name again?

Selma’s Choice Breeding is not the answer, FFS.

Krusty Gets Kancelled I’ll get you for this, Midler!!!

Homer Goes To College Homer is dismayed by realistic university

Homer The Vigilante Idiocy, idiocy, idiocy, idiocy and idiocy.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage Say some gangsta’s dissin’ ya fly-girl...

Bart of Darkness Rear Window pastiche by the pool

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds Mr Burns really likes his vest.

The PTA Disbands The PTA disbands, purple monkey dishwasher

Bart On The Road The Knoxville World’s Fair was disappointing

Much Apu About Nothing Compassionate pro-immigration stance softens Apu controversy

The Homer They Fall Obligatory Rocky parody done very well

Hurricane Neddy Ned’s long overdue breakdown doesn’t disappoint

Brother From Another Series Frasier and Niles steal the show

Das Bus The silliest episode that’s still great.

Lisa The Simpson You are not your family, ok?

King of the Hill Grampa tried to eat someone! Yikes!

Bart vs Australia

Defining Quote Bruno: “Nine hundred dollarydoos?!”

This is how you make fun of other cultures - with as much absurdity as possible. The reaction to Bart Vs Australia was initially very negative but it’s become something of a national favourite in Australia itself - and why shouldn’t it be? If only The Simpsons’ visit to England in ‘The Regina Monologues’ was half as funny as this. (For the record I also wish Tony Blair wasn’t in it. Ugh.) In order to settle an argument with Lisa about which way the toilet water spins, Bart makes a collect-call to Australia and tricks a young boy into accepting the $900 charge. The family are then forced to take a trip there so Bart can make a public apology in front of their Parliament. That’s about it as far as plot goes. As for the jokes, they’re all winners, but it’s the style that makes Bart Vs Australia so memorable. Almost no other episode looks and sounds so distinct while being so consistently funny. The Australian accents, stereotypes and customs - from “chazwozzas” to “knifey-spoony” to “Just a lil’ kick in the bum” - are so profoundly stupid and inaccurate that it’s a miracle that it was taken so seriously. Fox received hundreds of angry letters after its initial broadcast. Fast forward to the 2010s and Australian newspaper The Age named it the funniest episode ever, and there was even a petition to change the official Australian currency to “Dollarydoos”. Time heals all wounds. That being said, I wonder what the Aussie Prime Minister thinks of this… Oi!! Mr Prime Minister!!!! ANDY!!!!!!!!

Homer The Smithers

Defining Quote Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car; you have 10 minutes; your car has been impounded; your car has been crushed into a cube; you have 30 minutes to move your cube.

Mr. Burns remains a very useful shorthand for illustrating extreme wealth. ‘Homer The Smithers’ captures him at his most unpleasant, ungrateful and feeble, which is part of the reason it’s comedy gold. Smithers takes a vacation due to stress, and chooses a replacement guaranteed to not outshine him. Obviously Homer is a perfect choice, but he tries extremely hard nonetheless, overworking himself into a state of permanent semi-conscious misery. Burns scolds him at every chance, culminating in Homer snapping and knocking his boss out cold. Burns gets some independence, Smithers gets fired, there are some scuffles, a prank phone call, some piano-moving, a grievous injury and then everything’s back to normal with a thank-you fruit basket on the table - The End. It’s a fairly straightforward plot, and these aren’t usually the ones that stick out in the mind. That being said, Homer’s good-nature combined with his magnified incompetence makes for one of the most joke-heavy episodes they ever put out. It’s breathless. It’s also a tough episode to write about. You definitely feel for Homer, but it’s not trying to make you cry or think too hard about politics or class. Any time you spend reading this could be spent watching him inserting fang-dentures or burning the cornflakes. You may as well try and right a geosocial critique of Laurel and Hardy - no one’s interested (and I don’t even know if geosocial critique is a thing that exists). However, it’s also the last “boringly perfect” entry on the list. Everything else to come is like nothing else that’s been on TV. In the meantime, watch this and make your day better.

Homer vs the Eighteenth Amendment

Defining Quote  Homer: To alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Vice will be an interesting subject forever. There will always be conflict when it comes to the likes of drugs, gambling, food, smoking and, of course - the inescapable daddy of them all - booze. Statistically, alcohol is the fifth most dangerous recreational drug to the human body (far higher than more demonised substances like ecstasy and marijuana), yet it’s so ingrained in modern Western culture that trying to get rid of it would be an impossible task, right? Well, they tried it once, and for one peerless episode, Springfield tried it again. After the annual St Patrick’s Day celebrations go awry, alcohol is banned from the town and the remaining stocks of beer are taken to the dump and buried. Thanks to organised crime, Moe’s Tavern turns into a secret speakeasy (I mean “pet shop”) right under the nose of new police chief Rex Banner. Banner is a real treat - a humourless brown-clad cop who speaks in early 20th Century slang. His lines zip from outdated incomprehensibles (“Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?”) to extremely square after-school-special advice (“Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet… but they grow up.”) That being said, the episode doesn’t fully take off until the mafia’s import routes are cut off and it’s up to Homer to keep the drinks flowing. He exhumes the beer from the dump and imports it into Moe’s using hollow bowling balls and a system of underground pipes. In the irresistible category of “Homer is really good at something” episodes, this is the best of the bunch. It’s actually exciting and you’re rooting for him all the way, even when he starts brewing explosive gin in forty-two bathtubs. Plus it’s straight-up lovely when Homer and Bart team up for some righteous rule-breaking. It’s one of the most ambitious concepts the show attempted and it succeeds as a cinematic parody, a light-hearted history lesson, a philosophical chin-stroke and a continuous laugh riot. Oh wait, I forgot one thing - he filled the bowling balls with a funnel.

Lisa’s Substitute

Defining Quote Mr Bergstrom: “Goodbye, Lisa honey! It’ll be ok! Just read the note!”

I’m gonna get personal for a moment because there aren’t any other ways of talking about this episode. When I was eight, my teacher was ill for a week or so and a substitute was called in. His name was Mr Platt - probably mid-50s at the time, stern gaze, bushy eyebrows but great sense of humour. At one point I was talking at the back of the class and he shouted “YOU!”. I was expecting a bollocking but he decided to throw a curveball and asked me what music I liked instead. I said I liked “60s music” and his eyes lit up. (I also liked the Backstreet Boys but I failed to mention that.) He kept me back after school, gave me questions to answer and bands to research. He had a big impact on me. He didn’t talk to me like a kid, and he encouraged me to be inquisitive about my interests. I really wish I knew where he was because I have a lot to thank him for. Being a child is a scary time. You need to know that there’ll be a place for you when you grow up, especially when you start noticing what makes you different. When Miss Hoover is sick, her class is taught by substitute teacher Mr Bergstrom. Openly sensitive, funny, and passionate about learning, Mr Bergstrom is the father-figure Lisa feels she needs to nurture her gifts, and with whom she shares a profound mutual bond.

Mr Bergstrom: You’re gonna miss your brother’s antics. Lisa: When? Mr Bergstrom: When? When your life takes you places the rest of us have only heard about. Lisa: Place where my intelligence will be an asset and not a liability? Mr Bergstrom: Yes! There is such a place!

He’s also a far-too-vivid contrast to her own father. Fitting in is hard work, whether it’s at school or at home, and neither of these are easy for Lisa. This is mostly her story, but Homer eventually earns the spotlight too, gaining new depth and empathy in the last few minutes of the story. That being said, there’s no overshadowing the goodbye scene at the train station. Nothing. Some people arrive from the outside world, reshape your life for the better, and then are gone forever. They exist. There’s a place in the world for everyone. If we stop believing that, then we stop trying. As Lisa finds out, there are reasons to keep trying.

Bart’s Comet

Defining Quote Moe: Hey Homer, wait up, I wanna die too!

I’m terrified of Armageddon. Constantly. Call it an unwelcome obsession. It’s the state of mind that makes me smoke cigarettes, lie awake all night and fail to concentrate at work (where do you think I write all of these?). Amazingly, The Simpsons found a way of covering it. ‘Bart’s Comet’ is dark existential comedy at its most accessible, complete with a weather balloon with a big bum on it. Bart is given an extended detention, sentenced to help Principal Skinner with his amateur astronomy. He ends up discovering a comet by accident, which appears to be heading towards Springfield at a fantastic speed. Professor Frink devises a way of destroying it with a rocket, but the missile sails off course and destroys the only bridge out of town. Mass hysteria ensues. This episode was penned by the show’s most respected, reclusive and prolific writer, John Swartzwelder. He’s such a confounding character that some people literally doubt his existence. The only thing resembling an interview is a DVD commentary, during which Mike Scully telephoned Swartzwelder and recorded him without his knowledge. Most accounts of him describe a cantankerous, angry, conservative-libertarian gun-nut who loathes environmentalism, but who knows how much of this is true. Either way, it’s bizarre to think that a man with such a cartoonishly prickly reputation could write something with so much heart. It’s also bizarre that anyone could make this subject so funny. The scene in the cramped bomb shelter is one of the best set-pieces in comedy. By the end, the townspeople’s cut-throat dog-eat-dog mentality gives way to graceful resignation, singing Que-Sera-Sera on a hillside as they wait for death. Even though all’s well in the end, it’s hard to think of a more troubling or a more beautiful moment within the show. The fear of “the end” is often more than I can cope with and I’m not all that brave. That being said, this episode offers some kind of grounding - the chance that there might be more songs to sing is a reason to stay for the time being. Hell, it might yet show me how to die. Also, it turns out that Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II sit on the couch together and secretly watch Lassie when everyone’s asleep! How charming is that!

Simpson and Delilah 

Defining Quote

Karl: A man’s suit should make him feel like a prince. It should cry out to the world “Here I am. Don’t judge me, love me!”

The way a TV show looks carries subliminal connotations. For instance, live TV uses a high frame-rate with a sharp picture because it’s easier to edit, but if you used this on Downton Abbey it would instantly appear cheap and disposable. This gets even easier to notice when you start talking about animation. From the start, The Simpsons didn’t look like a show for adults. It’s a cartoon, their skin is yellow, there’s a natural grotesqueness about it. Nonetheless, the writers were very ambitious and keen to challenge the audience’s expectations, whether through smart political satire, or a faithful re-telling of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven. In other words, they were adamant that it was not “just” a cartoon show. ‘Simpson and Delilah’ is one of the very best examples of this. It’s actually one of the most subtle episodes, but also one of the boldest, with an emotional core as pure as it is complex. Homer stumbles across Dimoxinil, a “Miracle baldness cure” that actually works. He charges the treatment to his workplace health insurance, and one sleep later, he wakes up with a full head of hair, more confident and happy than he’s been in his life. His new look and attitude is noticed by his boss Mr Burns, who promotes him to a well-paid executive position. He even gets to hire his own assistant, choosing a charismatic and confident man named Karl. And here we come to the heart and soul of the story. Played by the radiant and gravel-voiced Harvey Fierstein, Karl is hell-bent on making Homer’s life better - from hiring a singer for his and Marge’s anniversary, to providing him with a new suit to accentuate his professionalism and charm. There were some viewers who speculated, and still speculate, if Karl is gay and in love with Homer. In hindsight - DUH. Of course he is. That being said, he’s not an “issue of the week” like John Waters was in Homer’s Phobia; his sexuality isn’t hidden, nor is it a punchline. If anything, his queerness is part and parcel of what makes him so likable - a true rarity in 1990. He’s expressive of his feelings without ever overstepping his boundaries, is funny on his own terms, and is a happy, confident and dignified person who you’d love to have around. In order to make a point, he kisses Homer before a big speech, and if you remember this scene, you’ve witnessed the first man-on-man kiss on American TV. It would be 10 more years before this would happen in a non-animated form. Eventually, a suspicious (and reprehensible) Smithers finds the Demoxinil insurance forms, but Karl takes the blame before he has a chance to fire Homer. It’s not exactly a laugh-riot of an episode, and its pace is gentle, but the amount of craft and care that went into ‘Simpson and Delilah’ is both self-evident and extraordinary from start to finish. A love story with no losers, and most certainly “more than a cartoon”.

A Fish Called Selma

Defining Quote Troy: That’s right, boys! Troy’s back from the gutter, and he’s brought someone with him!

On the evening of May 27th 1998, Phil Hartman and his wife Brynn had a heated argument about her recent drug use, during which he threatened to leave her. Later that night, while under the influence of cocaine, she entered the bedroom where her husband slept and fatally shot him in the head. She killed herself some hours later. As a result of this, Hartman’s two recurring characters - crooked lawyer Lionel Hutz and washed-up film star Troy McClure - were permanently retired. Before his death, there was even talk of a full-length movie based around McClure, following his journey through rehab and subsequent career revival. Sadly, the closest we got was this. I say “sadly”. If you’re going to be the focus of only one solitary episode, it may as well be one of the best. ‘A Fish Called Selma’ is desperately funny. Troy McClure was always a memorable and distinctive character, but since he only ever appeared on TV shows within a TV show, there wasn’t room for much depth. Actually maybe “depth” is the wrong word - he’s as shallow and vain as you expect him to be and then some. In this case, he offers Marge’s sister Selma a date in exchange for allowing him to pass his eye test. However, when the paparazzi spot the pair together, he gets an unexpected career boost, culminating in a marriage. At this point we have to address the aquatic elephant in the room - the “romantic abnormality” which tanked his career and quite possibly the dirtiest joke in The Simpsons’ classic run. Troy McClure has sex with fish. In a nod to the likes of Tom Cruise, Michael Jackson and Kevin Spacey, strange rumours don’t seem all that strange when we’re talking about sinister weirdos. That being said, it’s so hard to dislike Troy as a character because he’s also a loser. Plenty of vulnerability, but not a shred of self-awareness. In his own way, he’s doomed, and the sincere affection that Selma gives him as she says goodbye is something he has no idea how to process. ‘A Fish Called Selma’ has so much to laugh at and talk about that there’s barely enough time to mention that Jeff Goldblum’s in it, and that this is the origin of the permanently quotable Planet of the Apes musical. In the meantime, pour one out for Phil Hartman, a great man who we can be fairly certain never slept with the fishes.

Mother Simpson

Defining Quote Homer: I thought I dreamed that kiss. 

Some questions aren’t worth pursuing. We didn’t need to know the origin of the Xenomorphs from Alien, or the childhood of that Darth Vader guy. On the other side of that argument, we have this. Who was Homer’s mother, and why isn’t she there? She has always been a conspicuous absence, portrayed only once in flashback from the waist down and almost never mentioned ever. Here, we get some welcome answers. Homer fakes his own death to get out of a working Saturday, and when his “demise” is reported in the paper, his mother comes looking for his grave. They meet and reunite in the cemetery after twenty-seven years, and the Simpson family gains a welcome new member. Homer is overjoyed to have his mother back, and Lisa finds an instant kindred spirit in her grandma. However, the secret of her disappearance is soon revealed. Mona Simpson was forced to go into hiding after she took part in the destruction of Mr Burns’ germ warfare lab in the 60s and is still technically a wanted criminal. By the end of the story, she has no choice but to return to the underground and leave Homer behind. Many point to ‘Lisa’s Substitute’ as the show’s emotional apex, but not only is ‘Mother Simpson’ just as bittersweet, resonant and sad, it’s also funny as hell. Among the many many highlights, we have a young Chief Wiggum curing his asthma, Homer tragically ruining a perfect meeting, Grampa claiming to be the Lindbergh baby to stall the police and Smithers taping over Burns’ Wagner collection. If anything, the jokes provide a contrast that makes the inevitable separation even more poignant.  Plus, Mona is an thoroughly loveable and memorable character. Played by the warm voice of Glenn Close, she’s affectionate, maternal, but fiercely self-reliant and intelligent. That being said, Dan Castellaneta as Homer might just take home the gold here.

Homer: She had a very good reason [to leave]. Marge: Which was?  Homer: ...I dunno... I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Marge: Oh Homie come on! You’re a sweet, kind loving man. I’m sure you were a wonderful son! Homer: Then why did she leave me?

In Homer’s voice, that last line is soul-shattering. To see him bask in so much overdue love from a missing parent, only to have it snatched away, is a real cruelty. But as he says to her on their parting “At least this time I’m awake for your goodbye”. All that’s left as she drives away is silence, with Homer sitting on his car, entirely still and watching the stars. Don’t watch this alone - you’ll need a hug afterwards.

Last Exit To Springfield

Defining Quote Lenny Leonard: ...Dental plan!

It’s very clever. Almost too clever. Almost. Instead, it’s probably the funniest thing that’s ever been on television.

Quick Fun Fact Roundup

- The voice of Sideshow Mel is Dan Castellanetta doing an impression of Kelsey Grammar, the voice of Sideshow Bob.

- The Blue-Haired Lawyer is based on Roy Cohn, the chief counsel of Sen. Joseph McCarthy’s witch-hunts.

- There were plans for Hank Scorpio to be the lead antagonist for The Simpsons Movie, but these were scrapped in favour of the very unmemorable Russ Cargill.

- Homer’s voice actor Dan Castellanetta also plays the Robot Devil in Futurama, and the mentally unstable ice cream man in Hey Arnold!

- Marge’s voice actor Julie Kavner had it written into her contract that she would never have to promote The Simpsons on video. She is a sitcom veteran and won an Emmy in 1978. Her distinctive voice is due to a “bump” on her vocal chords.

- Moe The Bartender was modelled after the comedian Rich Hall.

- Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, played the cartoon shoe who was murdered by Judge Doom in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’.

- The catchphrase “Eat my shorts” was improvised by Cartwright at a table-read. It came from a joke-chant started by her school marching band.

- Cartwright is a member of the Church of Scientology. Cultwatch, a charity dedicated to providing advice and support for those whose friends and relatives had been indoctrinated into cults, was sued out of existence by Scientology. After this occurrence, Nancy Cartwright provided the voice of the switchboard, effectively turning the helpline into another outlet for the church.

- While almost all other cast members play multiple parts, Yeardley Smith plays Lisa and no one else. She did, however, provide the voice for Lisa Bella in ‘The Last Tapdance In Springfield’ and Lisa Jr from ‘Missionary: Impossible’.

- Hank Azaria, who voices multiple characters including Chief Wiggum and Moe, has a semi-regular role as David the Scientist in America’s “other” most-popular-sitcom ‘Friends’.

- Azaria based his performance of Wiggum on Edward G Robinson, and Frank Grimes on William H Macy.

- Dr Julius Hibbert has two long-lost brothers. One is revealed to be Bleeding Gums Murphy, the other works at the Shelbyville Orphanage and is still trying to find his sibling. Hibbert was originally intended to be a woman named Julia.

- The oldest regular cast member is Harry Shearer, voice of Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Mr Burns and a host of others. He is one of a very small handful of people to have seen the infamous “buried” film ‘The Day The Clown Cried’. This film was made by comedian Jerry Lewis and is a comedy about a clown who entertains children at a Nazi concentration camp. Incidentally, Hank Azaria based his performance of Professor Frink on Jerry Lewis.

- Harry Shearer is a friend and colleague of Christopher Guest and co-starred in his films This Is Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind. In both of them, he plays the electric bass and double bass respectively. He and his wife own a record label called Courgette Records. His Spinal Tap bandmates guest-starred on ‘The Otto Show’.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)

Defining Quote Homer: “Just gimme some inner-peace or I’ll mop the floor with ya!”

There’s a spark of loneliness in all of us. It lives in single people; it lives in those with partners; it lives in the members of every tight-knit community, church, kibbutz, farm or sex-cult. It waits for that moment when you feel the interstellar coldness of the universe blow a breeze down your neck, and all your certainties are swallowed by doubt. Reality can be thrown off-balance by a significant life change, or by an ordinary working day - or, it seems, when you swallow a dozen Guatemalan insanity peppers. The Mysterious Voyage of Homer is The Simpsons’ greatest artistic achievement. It takes an intangible subject and makes it fun, beautiful and exploratory. Homer promises Marge that he won’t get drunk at the annual Chili Cook-off, and though he keeps that promise, he experiences a powerful hallucination brought on by Chief Wiggum’s extra-strong recipe. The trip sequence is brain-bending, from the liquid-skin movements to the Marge-mirage to the otherworldly sky textures. It’s the most visually spectacular the show ever got. It was also entirely animated by one person - director David Silverman who insisted on handling the project personally to ensure it was exactly what he wanted. And let’s not forget the space coyote, Homer’s spirit-guide played by (no joke) Johnny Cash. The show-runners originally asked Bob Dylan and thank goodness he turned it down, because Cash knocks it out of the park. (And seriously, can you imagine taking spiritual advice from Bob Dylan’s weedy shipwreck of a voice? Ugh.) For many (myself included), this sequence was their first crash-course in surrealism. There’s still nothing like it. Nonetheless, the episode’s emotional weight reveals itself when the trip ends, and an argument with Marge causes him to spiral down into an existential plughole. Homer’s desperate irrationale culminates in him smashing the bulb in a lighthouse (a less imaginative writer might have thrown in a straight-up suicide attempt). It’s only when Marge arrives to talk him back down to earth that he regains his perspective and love of life. For the record, this wouldn’t be at the top of the list if it wasn’t also hilarious. You’ve got Homer with his fabled chili-spoon, the extra-slow desert tortoise, Marge’s brief smoking habit, and - even though they’re pushed into the background - nearly every line from Bart and Lisa is a low-key classic. Comedy is seen as something of a “low” art form. If you’ve watched enough of The Simpsons at its best, you know that’s bullshit. Life is so often miserable. What makes it worthwhile is joy. This might come from the profound and mystical understandings we develop with others, or the unexpected sight of hundreds of pairs of hotpants falling into the ocean. Aye, the hotpants indeed. Silliness is art and seriousness is art - ‘The Mysterious Voyage of Homer’ is about as complete as art gets.

[davidmann95]

Thoughts on Calvin Ellis?

Calvin Ellis is fascinating, because while I’ve said before that Superman having “the American Way” tacked on after the fact to his list of virtues doesn’t really work when creators are on a number of fronts hard-pressed to center his stories around that in the same way as Captain America, this Superman is built explicitly to reckon with that. He’s built in the idealized image of an incoming President at a moment of transformative change, only to stick around for that President in question to become more visible as a human with massive successes and horrible flaws, and then not be President at all. He’s Superman Plus, Superman ascendant and triumphant, the guy whose civilian identity works to make things better across the world while also President of an organization that defends the multiverse when wearing the cape. At the same time, he’s a Superman who lies to the American people on a scale Clark Kent never remotely approaches, a Superman who literally automates the business of representing and making decisions on behalf of the American people via Brainiac when he’s busy, a Superman who has to make decisions that will determine who lives and who dies. He’s a figure with different priorities and principles than Clark Kent even as his triumph over Superdoomsday clearly marks him as a ‘true’ Superman, and there’s diamond in that coal just waiting to be squeezed out. I’ve never been able to track down the quote, but I’m certain I once read Morrison mention that if he ever did any long-form Superman work again after Action Comics it was going to be with this guy, and that’s something I’d be fascinated by.

With all that said, something special under the cut!

So when Multiversity was still coming out…wow, four years ago, a few friends and I were really into Morrison’s proposition that these books could continue as ongoings, so we thought we’d come up with solicits for the individual titles, that I imagined would themselves ultimately come back together into another big event. We never finished them, but I did complete solicits for a year of President Superman adventures. Reproduced entirely unchanged from when I wrote them at 19 below, I also left in the commentary I tacked on to them.

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #1

·        In thisoversized opening issue, 3 fantastic features!

·        First, TheOrigin of Superman! See how an orphan of the stars became Earth’s greatest hero,as both Superman, and United States President Calvin Ellis!

·        Bearwitness to the secrets of Fort Superman! From the Gates to the Underworld,where dwell the specters of Krypton’s greatest criminals, to First Dog Vathlo’sDen, to the varieties of Kryptonite–ranging from mind-bending Sapphire todeadly Emerald–all the secrets are revealed!

·        And in thedepths of the distant future, locked in battle with the Time Trapper, the 31stcenturies’ Super-Hero Squad look back on the formation of the mighty JusticeLeague International, and its greatest conflicts, crises and triumphs, for theclue to how to save their own history!

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #2

·        America’sgreatest threat is at hand, and with a heavy heart President Ellis must rallythe nation against…Superman?!

·        How has itcome to this? It’s the Son of Krypton versus the military might of the USA!

·        Could theWhite House Science Fair hold the key to it all?

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #3

·        CalvinEllis returns to his old hometown of Smallville to personally congratulate oldfriend of the family Professor Phineas Potter on his newly developed energysource, in order to raise national awareness of its possibilities.

·        But whenthe Professor is missing and his assistant lies dead, it’s up to the Man ofDiamond to solve the crime, the roots of which may stretch into Superman’s ownyouth!

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #4

·        Beforetaking his oath of office, Calvin Ellis first made his name defending theinnocent and the helpless as a lawyer in Metropolis.

·        He’ll haveto put his legal expertise to the test when the Har-ZǶl abduct him to try anddefend their own commander-in-chief at his trial, when not a single individualon their planet is willing to do so!

·        If hedoesn’t find a way to exonerate their leader in spite of the mass of evidence,then by the laws of the Har-ZǶl the defender of the guilty must share theirfate! As time and hope run out, will Superman compromise his principles, evento save his own life?

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #5

·        A bountyhas been placed on President Ellis’ head, and the supervillains of the worldare eager to claim the prize!

·        Even if hesurvives the attacks, how will Superman keep his other identity concealed inthe face of increasingly impossible escapes from doom?

·        He may havebigger things to worry about when Metallo enters the Kill-Race!

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #6

·        After yearsof the U.N. attempting outreach, the Anti-World Htrea sends out an ambassadorto Earth—their greatest champion, Bizarro.

·        But inspite of Superman’s best efforts, the communication gap is left unbridged, andwar is at hand.

·        CanSuperman save two worlds when both regard him as a traitor? Even if he does,there may be no way to salvage the situation.

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #7

·        Operatingin secret from the bowels of Fort Superman, Brainiac intends to utilize itsplanet-wide neural network to seize control of the entirety of human society!

·        Supermanmust battle against his own security systems in order to reprogram hisonce-faithful ally!

·        But whenBrainiac states it is merely acting to better the world as its master has, doesCal truly have a defense?

·        As Brainiacis offline, it’s up to Courtney to cover for the President in his absence!

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #8

·        Seekingadvice in the wake of Brainiac’s attack, Superman journeys into the Multiverse!

·        OnEarth-30, Kalel meets that worlds own President Superman, ruler of aplanet-wide U.S.S.R.!

·        Looking outonto an Earth perfected by Kal-L, what conclusions might Superman come toregarding his own role?

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #9

·        Underorders from the Guardians of Oa, Green Lantern John Stewart seizes control ofQurac!

·        Theirsuperhuman weapons program declared an unconscionable risk to Earth’sburgeoning meta population, Stewart is tasked with dismantling the nation andestablishing a new government to the Guardian’s specifications, even if itbrings him into conflict with his fellow J.L.I. members!

·        As the restof the team prepares for battle, Superman must wonder: is this wrong? And evenif so, can he challenge the authority of the Guardians of the Universe?

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #10

·        In the wakeof GL’s occupation, Qurac’s former state-sponsored super team Onslaughtterrorizes the nation in the name of its absentee leaders, while theprovisional government accuses the U.S. as culpable for the actions of itscitizen.

·        With afull-fledged war a possibility, President Ellis wonders if Superman can weighin in the public eye.

·        He may haveto, if he’s to counter the pernicious influence of lobbyist and arms industrydarling Steven Flashman!

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #11

·        Warbeckons.

·        Long ago,Superman swore never to take a life.

·        Must CalvinEllis break that vow in the face of his oath to serve as Commander-In-Chief,for what may be an unjust conflict?

PRESIDENT SUPERMAN #12

·        “Mybeautiful children…I’m sorry. Sorry for the compromises, the mistakes, the arrogance. So sorry for this world you have inheritedfrom me. You deserved better. All I have left to give is the truth.”

·        Somewhereamidst the ruined landscape of lost America, tarnished forever when the truthof its last President was revealed, the last hope for the future is dying.

·        Even if thefinal commanders of the Super-Society somehow manage to repeal time itself, canCal remain in his station, knowing what his mere presence may bring down on hisbeloved adopted world? Must Superman die to save the Earth? Or Calvin Ellis?

·        From thedepths of time…might the Super-Hero Squad offer another option?

Commentary

1: I figured if this was real, anorigin issue would be necessary, as Cal’s only shown up before a very smallhandful of times. Aside from the most obvious references (the only really evenslightly ‘off’ thing is the changes for the classification of Kryptonite), theSuper-Hero Squad are indeed E-23’s Legion. I figured by the 31stcentury the full extent of Superman’s role in the 21st is publicknowledge, and that the team that assembled in honor of him might be a touchmore regimented and formalized, hence the slightly more militaristic title. TheJLI has no connection to the bwa-ha-ha team, the title’s simply a reflection ofthe more multicultural makeup of the group here.

2: The culprit here is RubyKryptonite (Kalel’s equivalent to Red). I initially thought of having a newnecklace from Courtney be the source, but reconsidered having her one majorrole be as a source for jewelry and causer of problems—I think I gave her abetter role in issue 7, though if this were to continue on I’d try and give hermore to work with. So I recalibrated for the Science Fair, recalling an oldstory where some child amateur geologist shows Superman his mineral collection,including a Red K sample that causes problems. Really, this all just springsfrom the whole “Crazy Superman versus his sane, human other identity” conflicthaving much higher stakes here.

3: Based off the base of an ideafor Superman I’ve had for awhile of “Clark solves a murder in Smallville overthe course of several phases of his career”, tinkered with to fit here.

4: He didn’t just materialize inthe Oval Office one day. It’s certainly far from uncommon for politicians tocome from a career in law, something I could see Superman pursuing. I figuredthis would be a decent way of fitting that background into a story as a fittingcentral element. For the record, Superman doesn’t compromise his ethics, butthe punishments the Har-ZǶl turn out to be ridiculously lenient by ourstandards.

5: Like issue #2, a classic setup(Superman has to protect Clark), inherently ramped up.

6: The intermediary between theclassically influenced first half, and things getting quite dark indeed in thesecond.

7: As will be shown after I dofurther solicits, I’ve intended 7 and 8 to be significant issues in eachseries. 7 is both the ‘middle’ post-Multiversity issue for everything exceptPresident Superman, and a recurring digit of significance in Morrison’s work,so I’m trying to structure things to have the 7th issue be one ofsignificance in each series. Here, we see the start of Superman’s questioningof his role that defines the second half of my ‘run’.

8: Issue #8, meanwhile, is thecentral number of the Multiverse in Morrison’s conception of it, so each #8 inthese will be a Multiverse tale. I wanted to use Earths we’ve seen beforepresented in different contexts, and here we’ve got the universe of Red Son,with a Superman who has embraced his status as a ruler to the arguable publicgood, to contrast with the pushing-it but still mostly noninterventionistEllis.

9: Plunging into the big final arc,one I wanted to question some of the basic assumptions of Superman’s role inthe world, and of how Cal would have to work in particular. Here the big thingis that even though Superman has always refrained from using his powers on theworld stage, it’s always been an implicit concession that if he doesn’t, no oneelse will either. GL, working under the conniving and pragmatic Guardians andbeing on a cosmic level that they declare to be above any given planetsauthority, seemed a prime candidate for breaking that rule who couldn’t just bebrought down immediately.

10: Again, classic setup—willSuperman try to tell the public what he thinks they should do—shaken up by hisdirect role in the proceedings on both sides of the issue here. And yes, thatis “Funky”. He’ll be popping up again.

11: One of my first thoughts aboutSuperman as President is that, in that role, he is inevitably going to orderthe implementations of decisions that will end human lives, directlycontradicting the moral code it’s made clear he has in Action Comics #9. Hencehim working overtime to try and ensure peace. Here’s him faced with maybehaving no other option. Perhaps he intervenes covertly as Superman to preventcasualties, one interference that normally wouldn’t be abided on the part ofone identity to counteract the necessary actions of another? Even that’s adegree of deception in theory unbecoming of the Superman role. No matter what,there’s going to be a degree of moral compromise not present on the part of theclassic Superman. I figure it’s here Cal’s established as the utilitarian toClark’s socialist (relatively speaking).

12: Maybe my first thought of aPresident Superman book was of Calvin leaving a letter for his children in anation wrecked by the revelation of his double life. 50 to a hundred or soyears in the future, America’s place on the world stage has been decimated, theone meaningful seat of power being the collective of the Super-Society, agrouping of Calvin’s descendants, those of his worlds own Supergirl, and thoseof one or two Phantom Zone Prisoners having filled their sentences andgenuinely trying to repent such as Quex-Ul and Dev-Em. Eventually they manageto alter the timeline, with the Super-Hero Squad emerging from deep history totry and convince Cal to carry on. Obviously he does, as in theory this comiccontinues onwards (presumably at least on E-36 and E-41, since we know Cal’sadventures are published there), but the end of this issue itself leaves thingsup in the air regarding his final decision.

[hangjie]

hot damn, babygirl. [ richie tozier ]

summary: reader is beverly’s best friend and when they meet the losers at the convinence store, richie swoons at the reader.

warnings: watch yo profanity, female nature, creepy mr. keene, and dirty pick up lines

word count: 1815

author’s note: i changed some things and i loveeee writing about finn’s characters and i love finn so much. idk but this imagine sucks HAHAHAHAH sorryyy huhu. requests are open!!

─── • ° *｡✧ ───

people say that being a loner, being bullied, and having only one friend is lonely and miserable, but i got used to it because it’s basically my life.

i only have one friend and she’s beverly marsh. being friends with her is great and she’s a really good friend, despite being another target for gretta to humiliate. i don’t mind it actually because i got my best friend at my side and that’s all that matters.

but there was a much more bigger problem than gretta bullying the shit out of me.

i got my period and i’m out of pads.

i groaned out loud and clutched my stomach in pain. i hear a knock on the bathroom door and beverly’s worried voice asking, “(y/n)? are you okay?”.

beverly has been staying at my home for the past days since my parents are out of town working (again) and since her dad … that’s a long story.

“i’m fine, bev. it’s just that the fucking devil bashed me with a fucking bat and i’m bleeding everywhere and i’m damn out of pads.” i hear her chuckle from the other side of the door. “well, if you’re ‘damn out of pads’, then i suggest you hurry your little ass to change into new clothes and go to the drug store.” i groan out loud once again and scream, “fine” before changing into a new pair of jeans.

as me and beverly looked from left to right on the 'women’s necessities’ isle, i debated in my mind whether i should get tampons or pads.

“tampons or pads?” i mumbled to myself mostly. “tampons this time,” beverly says. “especially since you’ve been wearing your ripped jeans lately.” i nod and grab two boxs and hand the other one to beverly because you can never have too many in stock.

we move to pay for the box, but when we move to the other isle, we see gretta with her head down, bidding her dad goodbye.

“shit!” i whisper-shout, shoving beverly into the next isle before gretta could see any of us, but the next isle isn’t any better because there stood three boys who goes to derry who i recognized to be bill denbrough, stan uris, and eddie kaspbrak. we both immediately hide the box of tampons behind our backs in embarrassment.

“y-you guys okay?” bill asks. “we’re fine,” both me and beverly say simultaneously. “what’s wrong with you?” beverly asks. i hear footsteps behind us and the door open and close, indicating that gretta left the store. i sighed in relief and directed my full attention towards the three boys.

“none of your business.”

“there’s a kid outside , look like someone killed him,” eddie says as he cradles a bunch of medical supplies on his arms.

“we need some s-s-s-supplies, but we don’t have enough money.”

i nudge beverly on her side and i smirk mischievously, an idea popping into my head.

“i like your glasses, mr. keene,” beverly says, tilting her head to the side as if she was interested in anything related to him. “you look just like clark kent.” i smile, bringing my hand to my chin. he chuckles and adjusts his glasses. “i don’t know about that.”

“can i try them?” i ask, making mr. keene reluctantly take them off and give them to me. i put them on whilst looking directly at mr. keene. “what do you think?” he leans in on his elbows and sighs. “well how about that, you look just like lois lane.” i giggle, “really?” and he hums in return. i mentally barf in my mouth, knowing that clark kent and lois lane were a couple and not an inch in my body is attracted to him.

i take off the glasses and hand it to beverly. she looks at me, confused, but i motion for her to put it on. she puts it on and mr. keene sighs in awe. “would you look at that? you look just as beautiful as (y/n).” beverly smiles and giggles. “oh really?” she hands them back to me and i turn back to the smiling man who keeps on looking back and forth between me and beverly.

“well, who do you think looks best in your glasses?” i ask. “i couldn’t possibly answer that. you’re both as beautiful-”

before he could finish what he was saying, i 'accidentally’ push back a rack of cigarettes on the counter. beverly scolds me and i roll my eyes at myself for being clumsy.

“oh gosh. i’m so sorry, mr. keene.”

“it’s okay. not to worry, girls.” he puts his glasses back on before bending down to fix the mess. while mr. keene was busy, me and beverly look back at the boys who stumbled and walked out of the store with their supplies. we both smile at them and turned our attention back to mr. keene who was still fixing the rack.

after we got what we needed, i darted to the bathroom in the drug store and quickly changed. after doing so, we walked out of the store and saw bill, who froze at the sight of beverly as we walked towards him. as we reached him, he pulled out a dollar bill (a/n: heheheheheh ;)))) and thanked us. we didn’t take the money and beverly held up her pack of cigarettes, “even steven.”

i turned to the side and see a few boys freaking out and arguing as they huddle over someone. i look closely and see that it was a friend of beverly that she met the other day. i nudge beverly and point to the bunch. “bev, you might want to see this.” she looks over my shoulder and smiles, “ben from soc?”

we approach them and while beverly’s attention was focused on wounded ben hanscom, i was fixated on the boy with glasses and who wore a hawaiian shirt, richie tozier. he stared back at me, frozen with his mouth apart.

“hot damn, babygirl.” he exhales and looks at me from top to bottom. “are you a mirror? cause i see myself inside of you.”

“yeah, it’s me, tozier. don’t cream your pants.” ** (a/n: casually hears steve harrington cheering in the background)** i smirk as he falls silent with a smug look on his face. “well, that won’t be a problem if you’re around, sweet cheeks.”

richie and i never really talked much. we know each other’s existence, were in the same class once or twice and we would see each other at school, but we haven’t said a word to each other. this was the first time we personally meet each other.

i hear beverly say something and i catch ben at the corner of my eye and i shriek, “shit, are you okay?!”

“no, i’m good. i just fell,” ben says, smiling sweetly at beverly.

“yeah, right into henry bowers.”

“shut it, r-r-richie!” bill scolds. “why? it’s the truth.”

“you sure they got 'the right stuff’ to fix you up?” beverly asks, trying to hold back a smile, but fails. ben smiles back at her in return, looking away from her gaze. “you know w-w-w-w-we’ll take care of him.” bill looks away from beverly before saying, “uhm, thanks again, beverly.” i clear my throat and cross my arms whilst raising an eyebrow at him. “y-y-you too, (y/n).”

“no problem, denbrough.” i smile smugly and place my hand on my hip. i hear richie mutter a “thanks, indeed” while he continued to stare at me.

“sure, maybe we’ll see you around.”

“yeah, we were maybe thinking about going to the q-q-q-quarry tomorrow, if you both wanna to come?”

me and beverly smile and nod. “good to know. thanks,” beverly says, pulling my arm and we walked away from the group. before we were out of their sight, i looked back and said, “don’t forgot to put alcohol on that shit,” making eddie face palm and place some alcohol on ben’s wound. ben hissed in pain and i chuckled and winked at richie before walking away.

“nice ass, (y/n)!” richie shouts and i raise my middle finger, not looking back at them. “i can see your fucking boner, tozier! cover that shit!” i laugh and jogged towards a laughing beverly and we walked away.

while me and beverly were making our way back home, she kept looking at me with a smirk on her face. “what?”

“you like richie.”

“no, i don’t! what makes you think that?”

“you flirted with him.”

“because that’s what i do, bev. that’s why gretta calls me a 'slut’, even though i haven’t done anything more than flirting.” i roll my eyes and did quotation marks when i said 'slut’. beverly laughs and shrugs, “whatever you say, (y/n).”

RICHIE’S POV

“nice going, bringing up bowers in front of them,” stan scolds me. “yeah, dude. you heard what beverly did and what (y/n) can do?” eddie says and this seemed to spark up ben’s interest. “what’d she do?”

“more like, who’d she do. for what i hear the list is longer than my wang,” i exclaim, pointing to my dick. “that’s not saying much.” i glare at stan and flip him off. “they’re j-j-just rumors,” bill says, defending beverly.

“anyway, bill had her back in third grade. they kissed in the school play! the reviews said that you can’t fake that kind of passion.” ben looks down in disappointment. “well, what about (y/n)? you seem to be interested in her.”

i scoff and shrug. “i’m not interested in her!” everyone looked at me with an 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me’ look. “you were staring at her the entire time.”

“i wasn’t! plus, she was directly right in front of me. so, no shit that i was looking at her.”

“you drooled, richie.”

“no, i didn’t!” i denied because there is no way that 'trashmouth’ richie tozier is going all soft for (y/n) (y/l/n), even though she’s hot as fuck.

“but anyways, she can beat anyone’s ass in a fight. last year, she beat the shit out of gretta keene behind the school because gretta was pulling some shit on beverly and it pissed her off.”

“s-s-s-sounds like your type of g-g-girl,” bill says and without thinking, i say, “damn right, she’s my type,” making everyone look at me with their eyebrows raised.

"not interested!“

MASTERLIST

[justlookfrightened]

Building a life

I got this prompt from a random generator: “As he flicked through the letters, a small, handwritten envelope caught his attention and his heart began to thump.” Warning that it begins after Jack and Bitty have broken up. Hopeful ending.

As he flicked through the letters, a small, handwritten envelope caught his attention and his heart began to thump.

Jack would recognize that scrawl anywhere. It was the handwriting that covered dozens of sticky notes: on a bag of cookies tucked into his duffel bag, on hundreds of sandwiches he ate before games, on the bathroom mirror on days that Bitty -- that Eric -- had to leave before Jack got up.

It was the handwriting on the letter -- not on a sticky note this time -- Jack found after Bitty left.

The letter had been centered at the place at the head of the dining room table. It was a modern thing, all glass and steel, and it went well with the condo Jack bought in Vegas.

The paper had looked out of place, off-white linen stationery that Jack knew Bitty’s -- Eric’s -- mother had given him when he told her he wasn’t moving back to Georgia, not after graduation, not ever.

“She said she expects me to write her real letters every now and then,” Bitty -- he had been Bitty then in Jack’s mind, and he wasn’t here to argue about it, so Jack would remember him as Bitty if he wanted -- Bitty said. “She still wants to text and call and Skype, but she says sometimes it’s easier to share your real feelings by writing them down on paper.”

At the time, thinking of the way Bitty inscribed his love in each one of those sticky notes, Jack had agreed. He never saw that paper again, until the one sheet was centered at his place at the dining room table.

Most people thought the kiss at center ice after the Falconers won the cup was a big moment in their relationship. It was, in a way. That was the moment that he and Eric declared to the world that they were a couple. He’d braced himself for the backlash, told himself he could withstand anything for Eric.

The joke was on him. Sure, not everybody was happy. But the team and the league and his agent made it so he never had to see the worst of it. The refs even started calling the anti-gay slurs that they had let go before; he lived in a well-insulated, comfortable, well-paid bubble.

But that was the start. A month later, Eric was asked not to come back to the bakery where he’d talked himself into a job, half marketing and half baking. She loved him, the owner said, and he was doing great, but his status as the man who kissed Jack Zimmermann on TV was drawing too much of the wrong kind of attention. She offered to pay him for the rest of the summer, but asked him not to come in.

Eric had been sad, but Jack tried to comfort him by saying that they could spend more time together before school and their respective seasons started. Eric gave him a weak smile, and agreed, and Jack had tried to make sure he had a good time for the rest of the summer.

It had seemed a foregone conclusion that Eric would move in when he graduated. Jack didn’t remember them ever talking about it, beyond the logistics of how and when Eric would get his stuff to Providence.

When Eric took up residence, Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Now things were settled, and he could concentrate on hockey. Eric started attending games with the wives and girlfriends, started introducing himself as Eric instead of Bitty, made sure Jack’s life ran as smoothly as possible. Everyone loved him, Jack most of all.

But when they didn’t even make it to the playoffs that year, two years after winning it all, the organization started talking about making changes.

Jack had a year left on his contract, and he was costing the team a lot of money, and maybe he had just finished his third year, but 30 was looming. He wasn’t exactly expecting it, but he wasn’t exactly shocked, either, when he got the call saying he was traded.

Eric, though. Eric was devastated. He hadn’t been able to find what he called a “career track” job, but he babysat for Marty and Thirdy’s kids, he baked for special events (and did get paid for it), he was a fixture at Falconers charity events.

The year that followed was not good for either of them. St. Louis reminded Jack of nothing so much as purgatory, gray and unwelcoming and uncomfortable. Eric reached out to the team, to the WAGs, and … well, he said that he couldn’t fault them for civility. But over the months, he spent less time reaching out to people and more time on his vlog.

Jack poured his heart and soul into his hockey, hoping to attract interest from other teams as soon as he entered free agency so they could leave this godawful place.

Then came a year in LA, where Eric seemed to fit in a little better.The golden California sun loved him, Jack thought, and when they got dragged to a party with people from TV and movies, Bitty mixed and mingled with abandon.

The trade to Vegas surprised them both, but Jack figured it would be fine. How different could it be?

It turned out the difference between the shore and the desert was vast indeed. The sun that caressed Eric in Los Angeles glared at him in Vegas and exposed all his flaws. Or maybe it just showed the flaws in everything.

Eric complained about the heat, about the tourists, about the excess of everything. He didn’t like the condo, he didn’t like the furniture (the furniture he bought, because it went with the style of the condo), he didn’t like the showgirls that hung around the team. He didn’t like Kent, but he had never liked Kent.

“He just wants to be friends, Eric,” Jack explained. “And he’s the captain. I have to spend time with him, and it would be good if you did, too.”

“No, thank you, Mr. Zimmermann,” Eric said. “You suit yourself, but I’ll keep myself busy.”

That was the week before Jack found the letter at his place at the dining room table.

“Dear Jack,

“I love you. I know that’s a strange way to start a Dear John letter, but it’s true. I love you more than anything, and I know you love me.

“But it’s not enough. I used to think it would be, that we would get married and adopt babies and grow old together. But I kind of think I’ve stopped growing at all, and I can’t take root here.

“This isn’t my place, and it’s not going to be. It’s Kent Parson’s, and I guess it’s yours now. I’m putting this letter at the head of our dining room table, but I can count the number of times we’ve eaten here together on one hand.

“I guess it’s a good thing we never did get married. Not being legally bound together makes this so much easier.

“I’m not angry, and I don’t blame you. I always knew hockey was your first love, and hockey is a jealous lover.

“Please don’t worry about me. I’m going to try to disappear for a while, try to figure out what I want and what I need before I start over. Don’t try to find me.

“I know this will hurt you, and I’m sorry.

“Love, Eric.”

Jack had wanted to howl, wanted to collapse, when he read it. He called Kent, who shrugged, and said, “Is that the first  time someone cut you off like that? Doesn’t feel great, does it?”

He called Shitty, whom he hadn’t talked to in six months, and was advised to follow Eric’s instructions.

“Brah, how much time were even spending together?” Shitty asked. “I’m pretty sure Bits was lonely.”

“Do you know where he is?” Jack asked, point-blank.

“Yes,” Shitty said. “But he asked me not to tell you. He told me to be there for you -- he said you’ll need someone -- but not to say where he is.”

“Is he alright?” Jack asked.

“Brah, he’s wrecked,” Shitty said. “Says he doesn’t know who he is without being attached to you. But he doesn’t want to just be an appendage.”

“Okay,” Jack said. “But could you tell him something for me?”

“Maybe,” Shitty said.

“Tell him that I’ll always love him, and I’m sorry I didn’t see what he needed,” Jack said. “Tell him that he’s it for me, and when he finds what he needs, if he still wants me, I’ll be there. Will you tell him?”

Shitty shrugged.

“Depends,” he said. “I’m not gonna lay a guilt trip on him.”

Now, a year and another Stanley Cup later, there was a small off-white envelope, addressed to him in Bitty’s -- Eric’s -- handwriting. The return address was in Providence, the address of the bakery that had asked Eric to leave and not come back.

“Dear Jack,

“Congrats on the Cup. Now I know why everyone was so excited about you and Kent playing together. Including Kent.

“Shitty chose the night you won to pass on your message. I think he wanted to wait until I knew you were alright.

“I’m alright, too. I don’t know if you realized, but I managed to save a lot of money while we were together -- well, a lot for me. Probably not for you. But it was enough to buy myself into a partnership in this bakery. The plan is to take the whole thing over in a few years when my partner retires. Business partner, I mean.

“I have friends and a job and a life, and I guess I could say I’m happy, and it wouldn’t be a lie. Thank you for giving the space I needed to do that. But I do miss you.

“If you want to get back in touch, you have my address.”

“Love, Bitty”

Jack put the letter down, and thought about buying some stationery to write back. Then he decided to take the more direct route. He called his agent and asked her to book him on the next flight to Providence.

He didn’t know exactly how this would work. But it would, somehow. And in a few years when he retired, his partner -- his life partner -- would be in Providence, not waiting for him, but building a life they could share.

[xtruss]

Goodbye Ted Dexter, Free Spirit, Cricket Thinker, Renaissance Man

The England and Sussex captain had aura, flair, majestic batting, and impossible glamour - and that was just on the field

— Mark Nicholas | 27 August, 2021

Ted Dexter batting in a ring of close-in fielders in Sydney, January 1963 Getty Images

I don't know when the Ted Dexter affectation started but I can guess. The last thing my father did with me before he died so young was to take me to see the 1968 Gillette Cup final at Lord's. This was during Ted's short comeback and when the great man strode to the wicket, I leapt about in excitement, cheering his name for all I was worth. He didn't get many but no matter, I had seen him live. That evening Dad bowled to me in the garden as I imitated every Dexter mannerism and stroke I had seen just a few hours before.

"There is about Dexter, when he chooses to face fast bowling with determination, a sort of air of command that lifts him above ordinary players. He seems to find time to play the fastest bowling and still retain dignity, something near majesty, as he does it." — John Arlott

I fell for the aura, and for the flair in those back-foot assaults on fast bowlers. Not for a minute do I think I saw the 70 in 75 balls against Wes Hall and Charlie Griffith at Lord's in 1963 but I feel as if I did - the power, the poise, the sheer gall of it. Nothing, not even the Beatles, could drag me from the television screen when he walked to the wicket, seemingly changing the picture from black-and-white to glorious technicolor as he took guard. Frankly, much of the Test cricket of the time was pretty dull but there was a frisson, an expectation, with Ted, just as there is when Ben Stokes is on his way today. It was all too brief, he had retired for good before I started proper school.

The West Indians of the day - Conrad Hunte, Garry Sobers, Wes Hall - thought that innings the best played against them by anybody, though Dexter himself would modestly say it was just one of those days where everything came together and the bat swung freely in just about the right arc. He was well miffed to be given out lbw, however, insisting later that the DRS would have saved him. Who knows how many careers might have been changed by the sliding doors of the DRS.

The word majesty sits well with Dexter's batting, primarily because of the way in which he attacked through the off side off his back foot. This is a stroke so difficult to master that more prosaic batters choose to ignore it. It is no great surprise that Dexter thought Gordon Greenidge and Martin Crowe the two most technically correct right-hand players that he saw, citing their ability to stay sideways-on and to play the ball alongside their body as the prime reason for the accolade.

He was a huge fan of Joe Root and became near apoplectic during the England captain's relatively lean spell a while ago, when he became square-on to the bowler and was playing in front of his body. This niggled so much that he wrote to Root without mincing his words. Though at first put out, Root soon saw the kindness in a man of Dexter's age and knowledge who bothered to write, and therefore returned an email of thanks with the observation that he took the point. Who knows to what degree? It is enough to say that this year Root has batted about as well as any man could have done, and no one has enjoyed each of these innings in Sri Lanka, India, and now at home as much as Dexter.

One final appeal: Dexter (fourth from left) watches as umpire Charlie Elliot gives John Inverarity out off Derek Underwood, The Oval, 1968 Getty Images

For the best part of a year now, Ted has been banging on about Dawid Malan: simply couldn't understand why England didn't pick him to bat at three. He cited the hundred in Perth in 2017 and this year's big scores for Yorkshire before predicting near-certain success with the method that brought those runs. It is sad, indeed, that he didn't live to see the fulfillment of his prophecy in Malan's fine innings yesterday. He liked the look of James Vince and Zak Crawley too, cricketers who stand tall and play with freedom. He got a lot right, this man of Radley, Cambridge, Sussex and England.

Tall himself, strong, handsome and impossibly glamorous, Edward Ralph Dexter caught everyone's eye. With the golden Susan Longfield on his arm, they cut quite a dash and cared little for the sniping that came from those less blessed. The enigma in him - and how! - was often confused with indifference, and though cricket has remained his other great love, it was never the be-all and end-all for him - a fact that made his appearances all the more cherished and his company all the more engaging. It is remarkable to think that he first retired as far back as 1965, before returning briefly in 1968 to make a double-hundred at Hastings against Kent and be immediately recalled to the England team for the Ashes. In the brilliant photograph (above) of the moment when Derek Underwood claims the final wicket at The Oval, Ted is caught spinning to appeal for lbw with a face that smacks of a lifelong instinct for competition and achievement.

"Ted was a man of moods, often caught up in theories, keen when the action was hot, seemingly uninterested when the game was dull... a big-time player, one who responded to atmosphere, liked action and enjoyed the chase and gamble. Maybe this was the reason he was drawn to horse racing so that a dull day stalking the covers might be enlivened for him by thoughts of how his money was faring on the 3:15 at Ascot or Goodwood." — John Snow

Richie Benaud and Dexter in Sydney during the 1963-64 Ashes Frank Albert Charles Burke / Fairfax Media/Getty Images

And Snow would know for he was not the type to rise above those grey days of county cricket when the stakes were so low. Snow and Dexter, my first heroes, along with Jimmy Greaves and George Best, Muhammad Ali, the Beatles and the Stones - all of them important figures at 29 Queensdale Road, where the young Nicholas grew up with vinyl records and cared-for willow, narrow-grained and well-oiled for the garden Test matches that England forever won.

Much of the 1960s were about rebellion, revolution even, in response to the age of austerity. After the long and mainly drab post-war years, the young simply broke free and changed pretty much anything they could get their hands on. Music and fashion led the way, leaving sport's establishment to stutter in their wake. Only a few precious players could transcend the inertia, using both their talent and expression to delight the crowds and influence the young. Cricket was my thing, Dexter and Snow were the wind beneath my wings.

In Snow there truly was rebellion, against authority and the system it supported. This was not so in Dexter's case, though his free spirit and somewhat cavalier approach to responsibility gave the impression of one determined to ruffle feathers. From the outset he adored sport, worked harder than some might think at his books, and embraced diversions with the enthusiasm of a man who had more to do than could ever be done.

In many ways Ted was a contradiction: at once a conformist, as shaped by the early years of his life at home and school, and a modernist, whose lateral thinking did much to reform the structure of English cricket during his time as chairman of selectors. Richie Benaud observed that Ted's imagination and drive "will be of great benefit to English cricket in years to come. Equally, I'm in no doubt that others will take the credit for it." The rebellion in Ted was hardly radicalised but he loved to challenge conservative thinking, to take risks and to invest in his life as an adventure. Both on and off the field, this made for a terrific watch.

The best of Ted: Dexter on his way to 70 against Wes Hall and Charlie Griffith at Lord's, June 1963 PA Photos

He thought the Hundred a good wheeze and admitted he would rather like to have played it himself. He was, of course, the original thinker about one-day cricket, supporting its conception as early as the late 1950s and then leading Sussex to the first two 60-over titles at Lord's in the Gillette Cup. He paid close attention to the tactics and convinced his men that following them to the letter would do the trick. Which it did. He pushed for four-day county matches 27 years before they were incorporated and he founded the idea of central contracts for England players long before other teams caught the bug.

He was proud of his part in the development of the spirit of cricket, applying golf's moral high ground to the game that made his name. Through his own PR agency, he became a pioneer in cricket's digital-technology revolution by inventing the system of Test match rankings that first announced itself under the banner of Deloitte and is now the ICC international rankings.

On a Zoom call a couple of months back, with tongue firmly in cheek, he said, "Having a rather high opinion of myself, I can safely say that had the rankings been in place sometime around the mid part of the 1963 summer, I would have been the No. 1-rated batsman in the world." We had special guests on these calls - Mike Atherton, Michael Vaughan, Ed Smith, Robin Marlar, Sir Tim Rice and more - all keen to share a drink, chew the cud and have a laugh with the game's most original and forward-thinking mind.

Champagne days: (from left) Fred Trueman, Dexter, David Sheppard and Colin Cowdrey celebrate after winning the Melbourne Test, January 1963 PA Photos/Getty Images

We cannot jump past golf without mentioning the game at the Australian Golf Club in Sydney when Ted partnered Norman Von Nida against Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player. So enamoured of Ted's golf were they that Nicklaus suggested Ted follow him back to the USA for a crack at the tour. Player has long said that Ted was the best amateur ball-striker he ever saw and Von Nida just thanked him for securing the one-up triumph that day. Eighteen months ago Player told me that in their one head to head with each other, Ted beat him up the last at Sunningdale, receiving only four shots. "Little so-and-so," said Ted, "we played level!" They were due for a game last summer but Covid stood firmly between them. The last time I played with Ted, two summers ago now, he beat his age, shooting 83 round the Old Course at Sunningdale without breaking a sweat.

This was a man of Jaguar cars, Norton motorbikes, greyhounds, race horses and an Aztec light airplane that, in 1970, he piloted to Australia with his young family beside him, to cover the Ashes as a journalist. They flew 12,000 miles and made about two dozen stops at British military bases along the way.

Ted married the very beautiful Susan soon after returning from Australia and New Zealand in the spring of 1959. How she is hurting today. So too Genevieve, Tom and the grandchildren.

There was an eccentricity in him that was occasionally misunderstood but otherwise immensely appealing and it is with that in mind, that I turn to the man himself for the final word. It comes from his blog, which is a splendid read and will remain a platform for the family to share their thoughts about this husband, father and grandfather who brought us so much joy.

Dexter and Frank Worrell at a BBC interview with Peter West, August 1963 Harry Todd / Fox Photos/Getty Images

It was in my last term at Radley College when I had a hard game of rackets in the morning, scored 3 tries with two conversions for the 1st XV in the afternoon, was heard listening to operatic voices in the early evening, before repairing to the Grand Piano in the Mansion and knocking off a couple of Chopin preludes. "Quite the Renaissance man it seems" said my Social Tutor and I admit I liked the sound of it, if not quite knowing what it meant.

The Encyclopaedia Brittanica description of Renaissance man (or polymath) is as follows: one who seeks to develop skills in all areas of knowledge, in physical development and social accomplishment and in the arts. A point is made that you do not need to excel at any one activity. It is enough to tackle it seriously and see how far you get. I like the physical development bit obviously and I feel the social accomplishment bit is covered by my willingness to take on responsibilities all my life. Perhaps the arts bit is a bit shaky but a love for music, and particularly opera, and love of language - being fairly fluent in French, Italian, rudimentary German and Spanish - may be some modest qualifications."

Some different cat, huh. What a man. What a cricketer. Goodbye Ted, and thank you.